Family Guy – S20E16 – Prescription Heroine | Transcript

Lois becomes addicted to painkillers prescribed for Brian after he gets hurt. Peter's ping pong table becomes the hot spot in the neighborhood.
Family Guy - S20E16 - Prescription Heroine

Original air date: March 27, 2022

Brian breaks his arm on his way to the door to bark at the delivery man. Lois soon becomes addicted to the painkillers he is prescribed, but can’t get her next fix after Brain finishes the bottle. She makes several attempts to nab more drugs, but after one attempt almost hurts Stewie, Brian intervenes by locking her inside his crate until she can sober up. Following one last hallucination, Lois decides to quit drugs and instead get high by listening to music that sounds like a drug trip. Meanwhile, Peter prepares to throw away his old ping-pong table, before Cleveland offers to take it and repairs it instead. The table quickly becomes a hit among the neighbors, but this leaves Peter annoyed and jealous. After Brick Baker states that he cannot simply take the table back, Peter and Cleveland have a match to decide who keeps it, but end up breaking it in the process. Cleveland states that now it’s no one’s table, and Peter admits that’s just what he wanted.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

Oh, good. Kids, you’re just in time for breakfast.

No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00. I love a red-cheeked barbarian.

How about you, Meg?

Can’t. I’m weirdly the girl he’s stalking. God help me, I love the attention.

Well, it’s just you and me, Stewie. What should we do today?

I don’t know, maybe forget everything that just happened?

All right, there he is. Do you have his lunch ready?

Lunch?

This big boy has his first whole day of preschool today.

Oh, my God, is it September already? Wow. So I have the whole day to myself. Let’s see. I… I guess I’ve got nothing to do except create an excuse to touch the Target cashier lady I want to run away with.

That’ll be $6.11.

Oh, perfect. I have a dime and a penny. They’re right here, in my hand, for you to take.

♪ ♪

(quietly) We could go to Montana.

I want to, but I can’t.

(whirring)

Esperanza, it’s time to get back to work.

Lady! Wait!

♪ ♪

(whirring)

No! Cinnamon-skinned Target lady! No!

ANNOUNCER: Target. Due to lesbian fantasies, we no longer accept change.

Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I’m still alive.

(knocking)

JOE: Hey, Lois, is everything okay? Uh, our Netflix says your Netflix is worried about you.

BRIAN: Is that the delivery guy? Ooh, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

(barking)

(grunting)

(groaning)

Oh, my God. Oh, Brian, are you okay?! Oh, crap. I-I can’t remember if doggy arms are supposed to bend that way.

(Brian groans)

Okay, Bonnie might know if doggy arms are supposed to bend that way.

(groans loudly)

Hang on. She’s responding. I can see the little dots in the bubble. Oh, no, wait, she stopped. Oh, now she’s typing again.

(weakly) Take me…

Typing. Typing. Typing.

…to a hospital.

Oh, Bonnie doesn’t have a dog.

(grunting)

I spy with my handicapable eye something for bulk trash day!

Yeah, you know what? This thing’s a piece of junk. Worked one time.

Peter, you’re throwing this Ping-Pong table out? Can I have it?

Sure, it’s all yours.

Mattress? Mattress? Anyone throwing away a mattress?

Eh, what size?

I don’t know. Van size? Whatever size that is.

Hello! Broken arm, huh? (clicks tongue) That’s no fun.

Hey! Get out of here! Uh, you didn’t give him the combination to the lock on your garbage shed, did you?

No.

Good. Anyhorse, that arm looks broken. We’ll have to get you some painkillers. I’m just gonna open this drawer that doesn’t have the mechanism that stops it from pulling all the way out. Ah! Darn it.

Hey, I heard a crash in here. I, uh… I’m gonna need that shed password to throw everything away, though.

Four, two…

Isn’t that the same raccoon?

No. (chuckles) This one actually works here.

Guys, there’s something going on across the street.

Did that cocky jogger finally get hit by a car?

Nope. I outran them.

SINGERS: ♪ Cocky jogger. ♪

Mile 13!

(Ping-Pong ball bouncing)

Dad, isn’t that our Ping-Pong table?

(cheering)

I don’t know. Let me imagine it with lots of paint cans on top of it. … Hey, that’s ours!

(cheering)

Wow, Cleveland, looks like you got the most popular place on the block. You really fixed this thing up. Can I play winner?

Uh, yeah, there’s a line, bub.

The line starts all the way back in that burning barn.

Hey, no cuts!

Aw, poor Brian. Have your pain meds kicked in yet?

Ho, yeah.

How does it feel?

Ho, yeah.

Where are you going?

Ho, yeah.

Huh. I want to “ho, yeah.”

(rattling)

Maybe just a half of a half, huh?

♪ ♪

(sighs contentedly)

What? Wh-Where am I?

You’re on my head, Lois.

(gasps) Chris Daughtry?

That’s right, Lois. Would you like to glide around on my head like an air hockey puck?

Forever?

Just until I have to do a smoke-inside concert at an Indian casino.

Oh, that must be soon.

Every 45 minutes.

Oh!

(giggling)

Ah… A thousand bucks a show split six ways.

(humming softly)

Hey, Peter’s underwear. You’ve been through a lot, huh? I’m gonna fold you nice.

(humming)

(humming)

(satisfied) Ah.

(humming)

(vocalizing softly)

Hello. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. What Lois just did isn’t possible. Or is it? Let’s spend an hour of Fox’s money to find out. Well, it’s 3:50. That’s basically 4:00. I mean, in some cultures, it’s polite to do things ten minutes early. You know, if it’s good with water, it’d be even better with wine, huh? Just like Jesus says.

(gasps)

B-B-Brian, Brian, was that the last pill?

(slurps loudly)

Yes. But that’s fine, ’cause my arm’s all better.

Oh, so now you’re a doctor?

Of letters, from Hofstra, yes.

Yeah, well-well-well-well, there’s nothing I love more than my dog Brian and I’m not gonna take the chance that he doesn’t have enough pills just in case.

Lois, I’m good. I don’t want to get hooked on those things.

Who wants to go for a ride in the car?

(tires screech)

(tires screech)

(horn honks)

Hey! Dr. Griffin!

Yeah, Hofstra!

ANNOUNCER: Hofstra. Pets need safety schools, too.

(sighs)

Okay. Time to play another round of expiration date roulette with this salami.

(Ping-Pong ball bouncing)

God, that’s annoying.

(bouncing stops)

(bouncing resumes)

No problem. I can turn on that one radio station that’s just religious Spanish shouting.

MINISTER: ¡Jesucristo es el Señor del mundo!

It’s okay. I’m sure that noise won’t make me go insane.

♪ ♪

Peter? How’s your new novel coming along?

♪ ♪

(yelps)

Don’t read that. It’s still very rough.

Okay, if anyone has drugs, it’s high school kids under the bleachers.

Hey, daddy-os. Anyone want to blast off to Mars?

Uh, what?

Well, what I’m saying is, I’m Lucy. Where’s the sky with diamonds?

Excuse me, ma’am, are you lost?

No, I want pills! Give me pills! Aren’t you kids doing drugs under here?

No, we’re picking up trash and organizing a Black Lives Matter rally.

Ugh! How could you be so selfish?!

Hey, daddy-os…

They don’t have drugs!

Later, alligators.

(cheering)

Oh, Ping-Pong, huh? That’s cute. Me, I like American games.

Okay, I’ll bite.

No, I’m just saying Ping-Pong’s not bad, but I’ll tell you what’s better– foosball.

Isn’t it generally agreed that foosball, much like soccer, originated in Western Europe?

Isn’t it generally agreed a sphincter says, “What?”

No, it’s not.

What? Damn it!

Hey, y’all! Come and get your A&W cream soda floats!

(cheering)

(chuckles) Holy crap! That’s a huge frickin’ brand!

Long spoon? Long spoon? Long spoon to keep your knuckles dry?

(scraping)

Okay. Thank you so much, Cleveland, for taking care of my Ping-Pong table for the last few days. I’ll be taking it back now.

(crowd murmuring)

Now, Peter, just because Cleveland had the vision to see the potential in your Ping-Pong table you didn’t, that doesn’t mean you have the right to take it back.

Yeah? Says who?

Says the landmark case One Man’s Trash v. Another Man’s Treasure.

Hard-shell tacos, y’all.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s the brand on those shells?

Old El Paso.

Oh, baby. Huge brand.

Damn it, there’s got to be one more pill in here somewhere. I mean, maybe there’s one that got stuck in a drawer or something. Okay. Here, Stewie. Time to get nice and clean in your bath while Mommy gets on her knees and Tara Reids around the bathroom.

Uh, there’s no water in here.

All right, let’s see. (gasps) Here it is. (laughs) How’s the temperature, sweetie?

Of what? The air?

Okay, I just need some water.

Yeah, me, too.

(gasps) Oh, my God. That’s the last pill.

(grunts)

Oh, damn it, my hand’s too big. It won’t fit.

Oh, Stewie, you know how you missed your last swim lesson? Yeah, we could do a little makeup class, huh?

Wait, what’s happening? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Well, you know how Teacher Amy has you dive for rings? Well, this is like that, except it’s a pill and it’s not okay if you don’t get it.

Aah! Damn you!

Come on, come on, you just touched it!

What’s all the yelling…? Oh, my God, Lois, what are you doing?

(grunts)

(coughing)

First there wasn’t enough water, then there was too much.

(crying) I just wanted the pill.

Lois, you need help. I’m sorry, but there’s only one thing to do. I have one pill left. It’s in my crate and you may have it.

(exhales) Brian, I don’t see it.

(door closes)

What are you doing? Let me out of here, Brian. Help! Somebody help me!

I’d stop, but my VO2 max rate is 70.

I-Is that good?

(chuckles) “Is that good?”

SINGERS: ♪ Cocky jogger. ♪

See you at the finish line.

Brian, unlock this cage.

I’m sorry, I can’t do that, Lois. You’re an addict, and I’m the reason those pills were in the house to begin with. So I’m gonna get you through this. The most important thing is you getting better.

Stewie? Stewie. Help Mommy out and just open the latch, huh? Stewie. Stewie? Stewie? Stewie? Stewie? Stew? Stew? Stew? Stewie? Stewie? Stewie? Sweetie? Stewie? Stewie? Stewie. Stewie. Stewie? Stew? Stewart? Stew? Stewie? Stewie? Stewie? Stewie. Stewie. Stewie. Stewie…

HEADPHONES: Noise canceling on.

NARRATOR: Audible presents Times We’ve Been Nude by all three Hemsworths.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH: G’day, Liam. I’m about to take me trousers off.

NARRATOR: Said Chris Hemsworth. Liam Hemsworth replied…

LIAM HEMSWORTH: Oh, Chris, you startled me. I was in the process of taking my trousers off.

MAN: I’m the third one, and I’m trouserless, too.

NARRATOR: Said the third one, holding the trousers that the other two bought for him.

(whimpering softly)

(grunting)

I have some coupons for these.

This coupon is expired.

Well, try another one.

(beeping)

(distorted) All of these coupons are expired.

(echoing) Expired. Expired. Expired.

But, but…

Looks like someone didn’t study for groceries.

(giggling)

No, I-I studied.

Also, you’re naked and you’re falling and you’re falling and you’re falling and your teeth are coming out, too.

(screams)

♪ ♪

Daddy, will you come to my recital?

Can’t you see I’m busy? God, so needy. She’ll probably end up with the first fat slob she meets.

(piano keys striking)

(screams)

Let’s start a life together. I have 42 VHS tapes. They’re movies taped off the TV, so they all have commercials.

(shouts)

MAN: Lois, you stand on trial for drug use prompted by mom-related boredom. This council has no hesitation in pronouncing you…

Guilty.

Guilty.

(speaks inaudibly)

Y-You’re on mute, Jor-El.

Jor-El, y-you have to unmute yourself.

(clicks)

Dur, sorry. Can you hear me now?

Yeah, yeah, o-okay, we got you.

Okay. Guilty.

(screams) I don’t know this reference! Is this from a Spider-Man?

CLEVELAND: What took you so long?

You dragged all that stuff out to your lawn just waiting for this moment?

Nah, I’m getting a jump on the next big trash day. So, what, you’re mad ’cause people have been enjoying my Ping-Pong table?

No, I’m mad they’ve been enjoying my Ping-Pong table.

Peter, you’re acting like a child.

No, I’m not.

So let’s solve this like children. A game of Ping-Pong for the table. Whoever wins keeps it.

You’re on.

Oh, wait, if we want to have a fair match, we’re gonna need a referee.

What took you so long?

CHRIS: It’s my third time tonight so it’s taking longer.

Not you, Chris.

(“I Still Believe” by Tim Cappello playing)

♪ I been in a cave ♪

♪ 40 days ♪

♪ Only a spark ♪

♪ To light my way ♪

♪ I want to give out ♪

♪ I want to give in ♪

♪ This is our crime ♪

♪ This is our sin ♪

♪ But I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ Through the pain ♪

♪ And through the grief ♪

♪ Through the lies, through the storms ♪

♪ Through the cries ♪

♪ And through the wars ♪

♪ Oh, I still believe ♪

♪ I still believe. ♪

(cheering, applause)

(panting)

All right, Peter, game point.

(exhales)

♪ ♪

(snarling)

CLEVELAND: I gave Peter the biggest softball tee you could possibly give to an opponent, giving him the advantage. The truth is, after the first day, Ping-Pong was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. But by day five, I was so sick of playing Ping-Pong and having people at my house, I was ready to shove that bitch into the Fargo wood chipper.

(spectators gasping)

(groaning, whimpering)

I’m sorry about the table, Cleveland. And I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk.

It’s okay. I can’t believe we let a silly table come between our friendship.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, well, it was a waste of time.

So, who gets the Ping-Pong table?

I guess it’s no one’s table now.

That’s all I wanted.

(grunts) My head. Brian, you stayed by my side all night long?

I did. It’s kind of what dogs do.

Paw. Good dog, Brian. Very good dog.

♪ ♪

Alexa, play music that sounds like I’m on drugs.

ALEXA: Playing the last 45 quavery seconds of “Crimson and Clover.”

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

♪ Over and over. ♪

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