Elle – S01E03 – You’re Not the Girl I Thought You Were – Transcript

Elle
Season 1 – Episode 3
Episode title: You’re Not The Girl I Thought You Were
Original release date: July 1, 2026

Plot: When the school bully threatens to spread a rumor about Elle’s crush, Elle pretends to like someone else to hide her true feelings. However, her attempt is thwarted by an embarrassing fashion faux pas.

* * *

Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[mischievous music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[suspenseful music playing]

[barista] Esther, you had an apple cider?

[whispering] Hi.

Could I get a medium iced–

[Donna] Elle?

Hey. [Elle] Donna?

What happened to the fish market?

[exhales] This is my weekend gig.

Why are you dressed for a sting operation?

Oh. I’m trying to hide from a boy who might go here.

One time I saw him drinking what I think was a coffee, but what am I supposed to do?

This is the only coffee shop I don’t need my mom to drive me to.

You are so brave. Ow! Gosh.

Okay, so, this boy that you are avoiding, is he dangerous somehow?

Only emotionally.

He’s dating a girl I’ve been desperate to befriend.

I didn’t realize it until too late.

Oh, honey.

[barista] Uh, Donna? You made another decapitated swan.

[Donna] I’m terrible at this. I’ll be right back.

Elle?

Shannon. You’re here.

Boo. [screams]

[chuckles] You’re both here.

Together.

Because you’re a couple.

Looking super strong and committed this morning, I might add.

Go us.

Oh, actually, you can settle an argument for us.

We’re splitting a bagel. Which one’s better?

Blueberry or everything?

You want me to choose?

Between the-the two of you?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[laughs softly] Sorry, Miles.

Got to go blueberry. Girl code.

Ah, I see. So, you two are teaming up against me.

Always.

[barista] What can I get you?

[Shannon] One blueberry bagel with blueberry cream cheese.

Goodie, a threesome, with Carmen Sandiego.

Uh, can I get a croissant?

Oh, that actually sounds good. Can you make that two croissants?

Got a blueberry bagel here.

Uh, you guys can have it.

Let’s grab a table.

And to think we could’ve had everything together.

[chuckles] [Elle scoffs] That’s…

I don’t know about “everything.”

Oh, you meant the-the bagel.

Ignore me.

Think I might have a hairline concussion from that mosh pit.

Oh. I-I think you got a…

Mm.

Here, I’ll– No! Don’t.

[quirky music playing]

[clears throat]

I mean, I want it there. It’s mine.

Okay, well, suit yourself.

I have my own.

[laughs]

[Madison over phone] I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.

We were practically rounding second base in front of his girlfriend.

Pause. Can we please discuss how epic it is you have a genuine Seattle prospect?

He’s not a prospect, Madison.

That’s the point. I can’t like him.

Miles is with Shannon, and Shannon’s basically the coolest senior at Rainier West.

They’re the Brad and Gwyneth of this dumb school.

If they’re so perfect, then why was Miles totally flirting with you?

Whatever. I refuse to make another fatal mistake and turn my school against me again.

Just go for it. Who cares?

This will all be a distant memory when you win the Cosmo contest anyway.

Yeah, you’re right.

I just need to move back to L.A. and get myself out of this mess.

So we agree. Great.

I got to dip. Uh, later. Bye.

Okay, Bruiser, no more boy talk. [whimpers]

We need to focus so we can get ourselves out of this mess.

[barks]

Essay number two.

“Cosmo Girls are like cake: sweet, layered and a little bit naughty.

[barks]

But making a good first impression is everything.

If someone were to meet you for the very first time, what’s one word they would use to describe you?”

[chuckles] Well, that’s easy.

It’s obviously…

Well, there are so many words.

[♪ The Psychedelic Furs play “Pretty in Pink”]

Elle Woods is stylish.

Charitable.

♪ Caroline laughs ♪ Confident.

♪ And it’s raining all day ♪

♪ She loves to be one of the girls ♪

♪ She lives in the place in the side of our lives ♪

Respectful.

♪ where nothing is ever put straight…

[whistle blows] [school bell ringing]

This is actually kind of impossible.

If I say I’m glamorous, are they gonna think I’m not down-to-earth?

If I pick “smart,” will they know I’m also fun?

Should I say “motivated”? “Kind”?

“Gemini”?

[gasps] “Vegetarian”?

How could anyone possibly narrow down Elle Woods to one single word?

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

[♪ Garbage sings “I’m Only Happy When It Rains”]

♪ I’m only happy when it’s complicated ♪

♪ And though I know you can’t ♪

♪ appreciate it ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour your ♪

♪ misery down ♪ ♪ Pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down on me ♪ ♪ down, pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down ♪ ♪ down, pour ♪

♪ You can keep me company as long as ♪

♪ you don’t care ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ You wanna hear about my new obsession? ♪

♪ I’m riding high upon ♪

♪ a deep depression ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down on me ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪♪

[laughter]

[Elle] I have no idea what this could be in reference to.

Someone must have been trying to write the word “SCOT.”

You know, a lot of people think I’m fully Scottish…

[laughs]

…but I’m mostly Irish.

[laughs]

[Dustin] Hey. Way to ditch me at CarpetMart.

[laughs softly]

[panting] I ditched you?

I nearly suffered a head injury as a result of that unsanctioned mosh pit you dragged me into.

It’s a miracle I’m still alive.

Well, then… let’s not waste your one wild and precious life.

Know how you told me Principal Anderson fudges facts on official paperwork?

Dude left his last school under “mysterious circumstances.”

It says “unknown,” not “mysterious.”

You can’t just change the word to make your point more scandalous.

Oh. Speaking of words, if you could describe me in one, what would it be?

Yeah, I’m not doing that. Anyway, this article implies Anderson was fired.

I knew that guy was shady.

Not interested.

Elle, come on. Drop it.

Seriously.

[Jacob] Yo, Dustin.

I got ideas for the flyers.

[Dustin] Okay, let’s see what you got.

[gentle music playing]

[sighs]

[thunder rumbles]

[Eva grunts softly] All right.

How do I look?

Religious.

Well, I was actually going for “nice,” but “religious” works, too.

Where did your neck go?

The neck is the pedestal to the face.

Well, I know turtlenecks haven’t traditionally been a part of my aesthetic, but maybe that was the wrong instinct.

Maybe I’m a turtleneck person now.

[softly] Turtleneck pers…

Wyatt? Hmm?

I, um… inexplicably saw my Rolodex in your study.

Mm. Can you go?

Can you go? [mutters]

I will retrieve that for you.

[footsteps receding]

Honey. What’s going on?

Nothing.

I just…

Do you remember when we were walking Bruiser in the park and some lady compared him to a dachshund?

Of course. He was devastated.

Yeah, well, now I know how he felt–

Oh!

[chuckles]

Your housewarming invitations feature a jump scare.

Well, first impressions are everything.

Your dad’s mishap ran our family out of L.A. and could have totally destroyed us.

Thank goodness we have our second chance in Seattle.

But Elle, we can’t afford another embarrassment.

Yeah, that would be so bad.

Well, fortunately, I’ve figured out that those two gay men that I’ve been seeing on my twice-daily power walks live down the street.

A well-dressed same-sex couple really increases your party’s social stock.

And that just reminds me, I need to give your father a few invites for his clients.

[quietly] The post-ops, obviously.

[footsteps approaching] And no judgment, but…

Appearance is everything.

You’re back already. [Wyatt] Mm.

What’s that doing there?

What?

“Mike McCready”?

Oh, a nice guy I met at a coffee shop, said he’d be open for a little jam sesh sometime.

[Eva chuckles]

That’s just what the world needs: more men with guitars.

Well, I think it’s great, Dad.

Could I get a ride to school?

Yes. Let’s do this. Oh.

[gentle music playing]

Yes, sh… you, no, you should take her.

I have envelopes to stuff. Great.

Bye, Mom. [Eva] I love you.

I love you.

[door opens]

[rain pattering]

[door closes]

Bruiser?

Honey, where are you? Come to Glam-ma.

[indistinct chatter]

How’s the brain injury?

Did it turn you Amish?

Modesty is nondenominational.

I, um, I got your message on our answering machine.

I really appreciate you dropping the Anderson stuff.

Well, I meant it.

I get that there are consequences, and I’d like to think of myself as a loyal person.

[whispers] Loyal.

Adding that as a maybe. What?

Hello, compatriots.

Elle, I printed you a copy of this. I don’t think you read it fully.

[whispers] Drop it. What is that?

[school bell rings] Oh, just Dustin being Dustin.

[Burke] Okay, everyone.

Today, we are learning about catalyzed reactions.

You know what that means.

Interactive science.

Now, I have hydrogen peroxide and different-colored soaps.

When I add our catalyst, oxygen gets rapidly released, which aerates the soap, causing…

[students oohing] [laughter]

[Burke] Yes. Dustin.

So, what you’re saying is, you needed a catalyst for that incredible feat of science to go down.

[Burke] Well, I-I don’t know if I would call, uh, elephant toothpaste an incredible feat of science, but I do think that… Yeah. But, but with a little help, the oxygen came to light.

Like all truth does eventually, don’t you think?

[Burke] Huh. Well, uh…

Uh, yes, Elle? Ms. Burke, did I misremember the assigned reading that says that hydrogen peroxide decomposes naturally, without interference?

[Burke] Very good, Elle. Yes, it will decompose, just slower, without a catalyst.

[Elle] But that catalyst ultimately made a giant mess all over your desk.

Maybe we should think twice before meddling with hydrogen peroxide, and be grateful for its mild and noncontroversial antiseptic uses.

First of all, I think you’re drastically overestimating–

How dare you? How dare you? [Burke] Okay. Yeah… All right.

Christopher, would you like to help me pass out beakers so we can all try it ourselves?

Super normal behavior from you, per usual.

I told you. I’m a–

…slut.

[tense music playing]

[heavy breathing] [footsteps approaching]

I knew you were capable of lies, Kimberly, but I cannot believe you would scrawl that vile insult on my locker.

[door opens] [Kimberly] Am I supposed to know what you’re talking about or is this a side effect of your fake concussion?

I was studying the four-letter epithet, which I will not repeat in public, when I thought, “That curly S looks awfully familiar.

Where have I seen it before?”

Hmm, I wonder.

Yeah, sorry if the truth hurts.

What truth? I’ve never even kissed a guy.

If anything, I’m a prude.

But I would not like that to be a word that defines me, either.

Please, you…

Wait, are you serious?

How have you never kissed a guy before?

I have very specific criteria when it comes to creating the perfect first kiss.

But my point is, I could kiss a zillion guys.

You do not write S-LUT on someone’s locker.

Hmm, what if the S-LUT is swooning over her wannabe bestie’s B-OY?

Miles? That’s-that’s not even a thing–

I’ve been friends with Shannon since kindergarten, so I think it’s time she knew that she’s friends with a slut in sheep’s clothing.

Well, first of all, this is faux cashmere, so, theoretically, it would be goat’s clothing.

And second, you have absolutely no proof whatsoever of this alleged crush.

Then maybe I need to find proof.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Okay, first order of business when I come visit you over fall break: kill Kimberly.

I refuse to spend our precious week together burying a body.

Well, forget Kimberly.

She’s a classic mean girl bully who wouldn’t survive 24 hours in L.A.

[clicking over phone]

I hear clicking. Are our phones being tapped?

Should we change the subject?

Oh, those are my hazards.

I just saw Seven, and I’m scared to drive home.

But on the plus side, I can very easily imagine Kimberly’s head in a box.

Madison, ew.

You know you have to go to her pool party, right?

You can’t let her ice you out of the social scene.

Fall functions lead to holiday ho-downs which lead to spring flings.

Do you want to spend Easter alone?

No, but I can’t go.

My mom’s housewarming’s that day.

Plus, Miles is gonna be there. The way I see it, you only have one logical response.

Get a boyfriend who isn’t Miles and throw Kimberly off the scent.

That’s… genius.

But who, though? I don’t like anyone.

You don’t have to like them, you just have to be convincing.

[contemplative music playing]

“Whirled peas.”

“World peace.” Cute.

Yeah, just with everything going on–

Bosnia, Tonya Harding– the world just really needs to be brought together.

[chuckles]

Wait, no, you– [gasps]

[chuckles] It’s fine. It’s totally fine.

It’s disgusting. Who did that?

The school said they’d remove it.

Eventually.

I am so sorry. Oh.

Thank you.

Is this why you were wearing a cashmere turtleneck under a mid-length dress yesterday?

You noticed, too?

You can’t change because someone feels threatened by you, Elle.

We all know this isn’t who you are.

I have to go to class.

Burn the turtleneck?

Definitely. Byes.

Thank you.

[hopeful music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Yo, Lizbian.

Sick zine this month.

[whispering] He just called you “Lizbian.”

As in “lesbian.”

[whispers] I heard.

That doesn’t bother you? He complimented my zine.

I mean, if I’m being honest, I’m more surprised he knows how to read.

Puns are for greeting cards and multicams, not bigotry.

I’m sorry, you think that guy came up with “Lizbian”?

That’s a Liz Miller original.

Why would you start a rumor about yourself that would cause people to think that you’re gay?

[gasps softly]

[whispers] Are you in witness protection?

Oh, no, um, I am gay.

Obviously.

I’m sorry for not knowing sooner.

Oh, don’t be.

If everyone had your gaydar, the world would be a safer place.

I have always considered myself to be sexual-preference blind.

I had a crush on Freddie Mercury till sixth grade.

Post-Live Aid.

Anyway, I love that you’re gay.

[gasps] What are you doing for Pride?

Are you just feeling guilty about getting my mom fired?

No. I genuinely like you.

Why?

Why do I like you?

Yeah.

We have nothing in common, you know almost nothing about me, so why do you like me?

Name one reason.

I mean, I don’t know, I just do.

Well, um… when you figure it out, you let me know.

Hey, if you don’t want to sit by your lonesome, you can sit with me and Shannon.

Oh, don’t worry, Miles should be joining, too.

Maybe you guys can Lady and the Tramp the same spaghetti noodle or something.

No, thank you.

I’m waiting for my boyfriend.

Dustin.

Huh? I saved you a seat, babe.

Oh, please.

[soft thud] [laughs softly]

Mind if I have some alone time with my significant other, or do you want to watch as we create pet names for each other?

Barf.

[laughs] Oh, you’re so funny.

Thanks for that.

Yeah.

You’re not gonna ask?

Usually, with you, that leads to more questions than answers.

[scoffs] Besides, I already know how you’re gonna repay me.

Help me expose Anderson. No, thank you.

I shouldn’t have told you about him. I just need you to get one of your parents to go to the school board meeting tonight and snag one of the school budgets so I can see if Anderson’s actually providing the school with what he’s getting money for.

Why can’t you ask one of your parents to go?

My mom lives out of district, and my dad would know I’m up to something.

Just like how Kimberly would know you’re up to something if I came out as your fake boyfriend.

You wouldn’t do that to us. We’re committed.

What’s your deal with Anderson anyway?

Why do you want to take him down so badly?

Do you know our mascot used to be the Chiefs?

Which, you know, didn’t exactly fill some of our student body with school spirit.

Because it perpetuates negative stereotypes.

Anderson fought me on changing the mascot all last year.

Basically said it was cheaper for the school to stay racist.

Yeah, not exactly his biggest fan.

Well, obviously, Anderson stinks and deserves to be taken down.

But if I agree to this, we get adults and lawyers involved, okay?

We do not go public.

It’s the only way to avoid collateral damage.

Can you do it or not?

My mom thrives at a good old-fashioned school board meeting.

But only if you like live entertainment and vegan options. [chuckles]

Ooh, don’t open it over here.

Open it by the trash.

I look forward to your RSVP.

[Martindale] Mrs. Woods.

This isn’t a personal networking forum.

Please take your seat. The board meeting’s about to begin.

Of course.

It’s so good of you to remind me.

Again.

The dress code is “upscale terrace.”

I know you got that, Andrew.

“Dean Wilson.”

Hello, there. Eva Woods.

Which you would know if I put adhesive on bouclé.

You’re a new face.

My husband and I are new to Medina.

Uh, what neighborhood did you move into?

You know, I don’t know.

It’s walking distance from that bakery with the mini quiches.

Beaucoup Bake Shop? Yes.

Yes. Why aren’t all quiches mini?

That is what my husband said.

Mm. I don’t know. [chuckles]

I do love your little elbow patches.

Now, do you teach English or are your elbows just prone to friction?

Uh, neither, actually. I am– [Eric] Dean?

Ah. If you’ll excuse me?

Eva, it was lovely to meet you.

Lovely to meet you, too.

Oh… [tongue clicks]

[Eric] Parents and teachers, before we start the meeting, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce Medina’s new mayoral candidate: current superintendent Dean Wilson.

[applause and cheering]

Thank you, Eric, Principal Shane Anderson and the Rainier West School Board for their political endorsement.

Mayoral candidate in Converse?

[shushes]

[Dean] …and I intend to stay committed to providing quality education as mayor.

When I began serving as your district superintendent…

Just remind people to RSVP.

…that I would improve academic…

[insects chirping]

[Elle] Hey. How’d it go in there?

Still don’t understand how this will get you extra credit in Econ.

Oh, you know, number stuff. [chuckles]

Uh, were you able to unload some invites in there?

Yes, but I now am completely rethinking my dress code.

[whistling] The man running for mayor looked like an extra from Dead Poets Society.

Nobody blinked an eye.

Oh, God–

Wait.

Is that that skater?

Um…

Hi. Hi.

Why are you on my car?

You know, your Benz is pretty cozy when it’s not mowing me down.

Uh, Mom, this is Dustin… my-my Econ partner.

[whispering] Hey, as previously discussed, the contents of this stays between us till we commit to a plan.

This is yours.

Now I understand why you need that extra credit.

[Dustin] Oh, well, see you, Elle.

Do let me know if you want to try any more heroin.

I really worry about you lowering your standards to fit in.

Are you kidding me?

Dustin’s done a lot for this school. If anything, I don’t meet his standards.

Oh, that’s not a bad thing. You don’t even know him.

I know enough based on my limited interactions with him.

Well, there’s more to a person than a first impression.

I’m just trying to make sure that my daughter doesn’t make a mistake–

Well, your daughter’s a slut.

That is absolutely not true.

You’ve never even kissed a boy before. You have your criteria.

Well, someone wrote it on my locker.

What? In Sharpie. And I wanted to tell you about it, but you’ve been so obsessed with rehabbing our family’s reputation with gay men and exploding confetti, I was scared it would give you a heart attack.

Oh, honey.

These children are pale on purpose.

They don’t know anything. You’re gonna find your friends.

You just have to audition a few new faces before committing to anyone.

That’s the whole reason we’re having our garden party.

You know what, Mom? I’m not going to your party.

What are you talking about?

I’m going to Kimberly’s pool party with Dustin the heroin junkie who likes sluts.

[laughs] So, don’t worry, your slutty daughter won’t ruin your perfect party with her slutty face.

Get in the car before TCBY closes.

[♪ Bratmobile sings “Bitch Theme”] [car door opens]

[car door closes]

♪ ♪

♪ Do you really think so? ♪

♪ Do you really think so? ♪

[doorbell rings] [distant chatter]

We should probably discuss some ground rules while we’re here.

No extended eye contact, no innuendo.

You can call me “Elle” or “babe,” but I’m open to a more unique pet name if you have one.

[gasps] Maybe “Elle of the Ball”?

“H-elle”?

[sighs] You came.

In a bikini.

Oh, I see we’re still committing to this fake relationship.

Has she let you kiss her yet?

Apparently, she has very specific conditions.

Let’s go, Dust Bunny.

Lead the way, uh, Elle-A.

That actually wasn’t bad.

Uh, what conditions was she talking about?

For you, the apocalypse.

Now, I’ll let you go change and I’ll wait for you by the pool.

Change into what? Your bathing–

[♪ Soundgarden plays “Black Hole Sun”] ♪ Black hole sun ♪

♪ won’t you come ♪

[speaking inaudibly] ♪ and wash away the rain? ♪

♪ Black hole sun ♪

♪ won’t you come? ♪

♪ Won’t you come? ♪

♪ Black hole sun, won’t you come…

I thought this was a pool party.

Yeah, I think that means something different here in Seattle.

I would’ve told you, but I didn’t actually invite you.

♪ Won’t you come? ♪

♪ Won’t you come…

Why didn’t you tell me I was dressed crazy?

I thought it was an L.A. thing.

♪ Won’t you come? ♪♪

[gentle music playing] [indistinct chatter]

[Eva] Hi. [chuckles]

Hi.

Armand, darling, reach me a few of these, will you?

Hi. I don’t think the guests realize the champagne is real.

I’ve had several requests for beer.

Ah. Thank you.

[gasps]

Is that Mary from the dog park?

Ha-cha-cha.

Yeah. Probably didn’t recognize me without a poop bag in my hand, am I right?

Let’s put this in your hand instead.

It’s from Côte des Blancs.

No, thank you. Uh, actually, I was just on the hunt for some carbs.

Uh, the radish canapés are… boy, are they refreshing, but, uh, it’s not exactly soaking up my buzz, if you know what I mean.

Well, isn’t that the whole idea, though?

To just buzz off into oblivion? [chuckles]

‘Cause the real world? Blech.

Ugh. [spits]

I hate the world.

Um, but seriously, do you have any bread rolls or anything?

Because… you don’t actually want to buzz off into oblivion, because you have to wake up tomorrow and do things.

Oh, God, it didn’t even occur to me to provide bread.

Hey, no, it’s okay. It’s fine.

It’s fine. Uh, I will grab some blinis from the caviar.

I don’t know how I dropped the ball like that.

Um, we have oatmeal.

So, just stay put and I will have the chef prepare you some.

Okay. Ugh, gross.

I don’t… Thanks.

[sighs]

Please tell the chef to boil some water, stat.

Oh, mayoral hopeful Dean Wilson, you came.

What a pleasure.

Uh, November 7, get out and vote.

Join the Dean Team.

I just coined that, but you can have it.

I appreciate the plug.

Well, if you hadn’t come, I would have had to declare a state of emergency.

Mayors do that, right?

Yes.

I think.

Honestly, something I should get confirmation on.

Um, I wanted to get out and get some face time

with the voters. Mm-hmm.

You know, let them know that there’s a candidate out there who doesn’t just serve the elite.

Well, if you are looking for salt of the earth, you came to the right place.

Honey, the chef accidentally seared the foie gras on both sides.

Do you want them to toss it?

Excuse us for just one sec. Mm-hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

[Elle panting]

[sighs] Okay.

[inhales sharply]

[sighs] Okay, Elle…

[moans] Okay. Stay positive.

Everything is great.

[suspenseful music playing] What?

Oh, no.

[whispers] I’m in the belly of the beast.

Um…

This is Kimberly’s room?

[gasps]

Oh, okay.

Okay, just move this… put this away.

Okay.

Liz.

[drawer closes]

[line ringing]

[Donna over phone] Hi, it’s Donna… [Liz] And Liz.

[Donna] …and we’re out getting matching tattoos.

[Liz] Mom, stop. [Donna] All right, fine, we’re boring.

Leave a message anyway. [beeps]

Liz? Hi.

I’m at Kimberly’s party, in a bikini.

[over machine] So, obviously I hid myself in her room because I was scared what people would think.

Then it dawned on me why I like you so much.

You don’t care.

Like, about anything.

How you dress, how you act.

You write a zine that almost no one reads and you totally rock the whole Lizbian thing… which I’m realizing now I probably shouldn’t be saying on your answering machine.

So, I need you to teach me how to not care.

And also, please bring me my emergency party outfit.

My mom can show you the one.

Preferably now.

And at Kimberly’s.

Oh, this is Elle, by the way.

Elle Woods. From English class.

Oh, and tell your mom I said– [beeps]

[machine clicks]

I don’t know why you won’t give that girl a chance.

This is her leaving a message.

Imagine her in person. I know her in person.

I have worked at Rainier West High for 20 years.

I know the names of all my students, and their allergies.

You know, Elle was the only one who called to check on me when I got fired.

She had known me a week.

Imagine her as an actual friend.

[indistinct chatter]

[Craig] …’cause it’s grown exponentially, month over month.

We have definitely proven that it works.

I mean, all of which to say that we’re waiting for our series B funding.

The CEO is really stressed… Right.

…about the valuation, so now he’s riding everyone’s ass.

He sounds like my trainer. His name’s not Billy Blanks, is it?

[chuckles]

It’s John.

Right.

Well, computer stuff is so important, Craig. I–

Well, it’s more like an online classifieds section–

Do you have any pictures of your children?

Uh, actually, I-I just realized I left my wallet in my car.

Which I handed over to a total stranger.

Oh… Do you know where they parked it?

I will have the valet bring it out front.

What kind of car do you drive?

II can grab my own keys. No, no, no.

That’s the valet’s job, Craig.

[laughs] Your job is to enjoy yourself.

Eat.

Drink.

Mingle. [gasps]

Hi. Can you give us a minute, please?

Thanks.

What are you doing? I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

In L.A., my prowess as a hostess put Kathy Hilton to shame, and now I’m completely out of my element.

They want bread, they want beer, they can park themselves.

You talk about them like they’re from another planet.

I want them to like me.

Well, they will like you, because you’re you, not because of all this.

Fine. You host.

I have to go see if Beaucoup delivers baguettes.

[rock music playing]

Have you seen Elle?

She probably left.

Oh, and you can drop the ruse now.

What do you mean? Oh, come on, she’s obviously not your girlfriend.

I mean, if you’re trying to get in on that, good luck.

She’s never even kissed a guy.

Well, that’s-that’s not what her locker says.

Hey, look, Elle is a social climber who thinks she can skip a few rungs, and you’re the one she’s currently standing on, FYI.

I don’t know what you’re digging for here.

She’s cute, she’s funny, we get each other.

I don’t know what’s so complicated about that.

Wait, you don’t actually like her, do you?

You know, maybe if you were a little less mean, you’d have a boyfriend, too.

[indistinct chatter]

Elle?

Elle? Where are you?

[door opens] [Elle] Liz?

[whispers] I’m over here.

[door closes] [Elle sighs]

Okay.

Wait, where’s my-my vinyl mini and pastel Guess sweater?

I didn’t bring them. [chuckles]

Very funny. Where are they?

I’m serious.

Okay. It’s fine.

It’s fine. Plan B.

I’ll just borrow something of Kim–

[clears throat]

What is this?

Where are Kimberly’s clothes?

These are her clothes.

What?

She changes at school.

If her parents saw what she actually wears, they’d send her to military school.

Well, now who’s the poser?

It actually makes me kind of sad.

Okay, well, I’ve never worn a gingham jumper before, but desperate times…

All right, stop touching her shit, okay?

I came empty-handed on purpose.

You said you didn’t want to care, so don’t care.

Wear that.

I can’t wear this.

There’s already a floating rumor that I’m an S-LUtah.

Okay, who said that?

Who do you think?

[sighs] Okay.

Here are the facts.

At one point in your life, you saw that bikini on a shelf.

Right? You bought that bikini.

You wore that bikini today. Why?

Because one-pieces leave weird tan lines.

Because you think you look good.

The key to not caring about what other people think is to own what you think.

Be your own self.

Flaunt it if you want.

[♪ “Stay” instrumental playing] [girls] ♪ You say ♪

♪ I only hear what I want to ♪♪

[whispers] Go.

[scattered applause]

[woman] Good job, girls.

That sounded really good, you guys.

Mind if I go next?

[♪ “Just a Girl” instrumental playing]

♪ Take this pink ribbon off my eyes ♪

♪ I’m exposed, and it’s no big surprise ♪

♪ Don’t you think I know exactly where I stand? ♪

♪ This world is forcing me to hold your hand ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m just a girl ♪

♪ oh, little old me ♪

♪ Well, don’t let me out of your sight ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m just a girl ♪ [laughs] ♪ I’m just a girl ♪

♪ all pretty and petite ♪

[all singing] ♪ so don’t let me have any rights ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I’ve had it up to here ♪

They’re so cute together.

I didn’t realize they were together.

I think it’s new.

♪ I’m just a girl ♪

Dustin doesn’t really seem like her type, does he?

♪ I’m just a girl in the world ♪

♪ That’s all that you’ll ♪

♪ let me be ♪

♪ Oh, I’m just a girl ♪

♪ what’s my destiny? ♪

♪ What I’ve succumbed to is making me numb ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I’ve had it up to ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I’ve had it up to ♪

♪ Oh ♪♪ [Wyatt] ♪ All ♪

[all singing] ♪ You’re my wonderwall ♪

♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ You’re gonna be the one that saves me ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ And after all ♪

[whooping]

♪ you’re my wonderwall… [cheering]

[Wyatt] One more time. ♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ Said maybe ♪ Yeah.

♪ You’re gonna be the one that saves me ♪

♪ That saves me ♪ Yeah.

♪ And after all ♪

[Wyatt] Bring it home.

♪ You’re my wonderwall ♪♪

[cheering]

[kids chanting] Elle! Elle! Elle!

Elle! Elle! Elle! [mouths]

[rapidly] Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle, Elle… [cheering]

I’m glad you stayed.

Sorry for running away.

But you could have warned me about my outfit fail.

[chuckles] Sorry.

But to be fair, I’m never gonna tell a girl to look less hot.

[stammers softly]

Thanks.

That’s, uh, Dustin, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it’s new. [chuckles]

I guess I didn’t really know about you and Shannon, right?

Yeah, not so new. Two years.

Um… Uh, could I ask you something? Uh…

It’s-it’s stupid.

Did I, like, do something wrong?

Uh…

No.

No, I mean, it’s fine.

I mean, how could you?

We barely know each other, right?

We both just found out we have romantic counterparts.

Right.

Uh, speaking of, I should probably go…

Yeah. Mm-hmm. …find mine.

Uh…

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, my God. [Dustin] Genuine criminality.

Stealing from every single one of us. Seriously, guys.

[Dustin continues indistinctly]

Fantastic. Yeah. There you go.

Dusty? [Dustin] Talking about it on Friday.

[Elle] Honey, what are you doing?

[Dustin] Taking money from the school, and this is just the stuff we know about. Dustin, stop.

Everything that’s going on– I said stop.

What the hell, Elle-A?

You lied to me.

[boy] She is pissed at you, bro.

What are you doing?

I thought we agreed to lawyers.

[sighs] No.

You agreed to lawyers.

And, uh, maybe in L.A., they do the hard work for you, but not here.

Doesn’t work like that here.

If we want to get anything done, we’ll have to stand up for ourselves.

But you don’t even know what you’re doing.

Really? The school budget claims to employ three maintenance workers on staff.

Didn’t Martindale tell you they only had one?

Yes, which is why my locker couldn’t get de-slutted.

The school budget is full of bogus expenses, like $5,000 for tater tots?

I’ve been at that school three years, and not once have I seen a tater tot at Rainier West High.

You want to blow the whistle on a tater tot conspiracy?

Did you know that Donna’s salary is still listed on the budget?

The temp presumably makes a fraction of what she earned.

Where’s that money going? Why was she even fired?

Donna was fired because of me. Maybe she wasn’t.

Maybe it was an easy way to free up some excess cash.

Look, if we’re sitting on a huge scandal, we need to mobilize the whole school right now.

Wait, is that why you were so willing to come with me to this party?

To use me as access to an audience.

Unlike how you used me?

To, uh, what?

Prove you don’t have a crush on your friend’s boyfriend?

I didn’t even know they were dating.

So, why am I here? As an additional measure of security in case I got awkward and some of my crush leaked out.

So, you do like him.

Look, I do care about this school, okay?

And I’m not trying to get in your way, but this isn’t about me.

[Liz] It’s about me.

I live just outside the Rainier West school district, but Anderson lets me go there anyway.

My mom’s worried about anyone digging up dirt on him, because if he goes, I might get kicked out.

Elle’s trying to protect me.

Thank you.

[wistful music playing]

Duh.

You want a ride?

Yes, please. [laughs softly]

[car door opens]

[car door closes] [engine starts]

[insects chirping] [exhales]

How was the pool party?

Terrible.

There wasn’t even water in the pool.

And you were wearing– Yep.

After they called you– Yep.

It’s just so gauche.

I bet no one even uses that word in 20 years.

Like that dinky little online bookstore

Craig’s friend kept going on and on about.

Skater Boy didn’t walk you to the door?

Dustin and I aren’t moving forward.

He broke my trust.

Honey, I’m sorry.

[whispers] But you can do better.

Come meet the neighbors.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, look who I found.

[chuckles] Oh. You must be Elle.

Hi. I’m Chad Cohen.

Charlie. Elle. Woods.

Sorry again for being so late. [Eva] Are you kidding me?

The main reason to throw a party is to get to the after-party.

Uh, Chad and Charlie live with their son down the street.

Oh. That’s nice.

[Miles] Hey.

[whispers] Hi.

Uh, do the adults want to open this in the back?

Or do people want beer?

Beer? Wow. I didn’t realize you were running a frat house, Eva.

[soft laughter] Wyatt, we have found our people!

[Wyatt] Come on. Nice to meet you.

What do you all feel about the Hugh Grant scandal?

‘Cause I… but I don’t think he’s coming back from it.

[overlapping chatter]

[Eva in distance] Well, now, I just thought he was British.

So, the gay couple across the street my mom’s obsessed with?

It’s my dads. Yeah.

Which makes you my neighbor. [chuckles]

I can leave if you want me to– No, no. You can stay.

I’m sorry about earlier.

You were right. I was being a little weird.

No. [Wyatt] Cheers.

[distant laughter] [Eva] Cheers.

Welcome to the neighborhood. Thank you so much.

I guess it’s gonna be harder to avoid me now, though.

[quiet, exciting music playing]

[keyboard clicking]

“If Cosmo Girls are like cake, then cake, by definition, is made up of many ingredients.

So shouldn’t what makes us ‘us’ consist of many words?

Xena isn’t just a warrior or just a princess.

And for all we know, Buffy could be slaying kittens without the appropriate qualifier.

Sorry, Cosmo, but I refuse to write this essay on your terms.

I am a constant work in progress.

And I am not about to brand Elle Woods as any one word.”

[♪ 4 Non Blondes play “What’s Up?”]

[both laugh]

♪ ♪

♪ Twenty-five years and my life is still ♪

♪ trying to get up that great big hill of hope ♪

♪ for a destination ♪

♪ I realized quickly when I knew I should ♪

♪ that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man ♪

♪ For whatever that means ♪

♪ And so, I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed ♪

♪ just to get it all out, what’s in my head ♪♪