Elle – S01E02 – No Silly, I Go Here – Transcript

Elle
Season 1 – Episode 2
Episode title: No Silly, I Go Here
Original release date: July 1, 2026

Plot: Elle must clean up the mess she’s made by bringing justice to the only friend she’s made in her new city. But when Elle learns this could lead to unintended consequences, she questions what’s more important.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[♪ R.E.M. plays “Shiny Happy People”]

♪ Whoa, here we go ♪

[singer vocalizing]

♪ Shiny, happy people holding hands ♪

♪ Shiny, happy people ♪

Hi, Elle.

♪ holding hands ♪

♪ Shiny, happy…

Oh, I love your boots, Elle.

[Elle] Thanks. They’re waterproof. Not that we have to worry about that here.

[Amber] Oh, my God, Elle.

You look so tan.

[Elle] It is L.A. after all.

[girl] Hi, Elle!

[clears throat]

[Elle] Hot Josh. You’re looking very…

Hot?

[Elle] Precisely.

There she is. Oh, Elle, you make high school look so easy.

[students shouting “Elle!”]

[Donna] Elle Woods!

[fading] ♪ Shiny, happy people holding hands ♪♪

[ominous music playing]

[Elle] Donna? What are you doing in Bel Air?

[panting] [rain falling]

[Elle] Oh.

[thunder rumbling]

[Elle] Seattle?

[Bruiser whimpering]

[Elle] I wish we could wake up from this nightmare, Bruiser.

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

[♪ Garbage sings “I’m Only Happy When It Rains”]

♪ I’m only happy when it’s complicated ♪

♪ And though I know you can’t ♪

♪ appreciate it ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour your ♪

♪ misery down ♪ ♪ Pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down on me ♪ ♪ down, pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down ♪ ♪ down, pour ♪

♪ You can keep me company as long as ♪

♪ you don’t care ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ You wanna hear about my new obsession? ♪

♪ I’m riding high upon ♪

♪ a deep depression ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down on me ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down on me ♪♪

[growls softly] [Wyatt] Don’t you…

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, baby, wait!

And that would be the third chair this week.

[barks]

I’ll have to toss it with the others.

I’m sorry, we’re throwing out our furniture? Our furniture that we rented?

Honey, you’re, you’re shaming him.

[whimpering]

If anything, Bruiser’s given us a perfect excuse to redecorate.

[sighs]

Didn’t he, Daddy?

[barking]

Grandfather? Where did we land with that?

I-I’m not sure. But thanks, buddy. Aw.

If our little baby won’t tinkle outside in Seattle, I’ll just have to bring L.A. to him like I did for Mama Elle’s room. I’m thinking real grass, doggy pool, heat lamp.

I think they sell soil at the farmers market co-op.

How many of those words are made-up?

[Wyatt] A co-op. It’s like a Bristol Farms under a tent.

[Elle] Dad, you’re home. [gasps] People in Seattle don’t want nose jobs?

Turns out, people in Seattle like all kinds of noses. Even their own.

[Elle] Wow.

Things’ll pick up once grunge runs its course.

[Eva] You sleep okay, sweetie? You have a slight case of the Birkins. Are you still upset about that secretary getting let go?

[Elle] Of course. It’s awful. Donna was such a kind person. She didn’t deserve this.

Well, wasn’t she caught embezzling funds and forging documents? I mean, Al Capone was arrested for less.

[Elle] But her heart was in the right place.

[Wyatt] The court of public opinion wanted to hang your old man not too long ago. If you want to throw her a bone, I’d be happy to put a call in to our crisis manager.

[Elle] The one that convinced you to move to the city God and Gucci forgot?

[hopeful music playing]

[school bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, we’ll be there. [chuckles]

[Elle] Good morning, Kimberly.

Happy Monday, Pink Slip.

[Elle] Oh, this isn’t a slip. It’s more of an alpaca tweed.

She doesn’t get it.

Of course she doesn’t.

[Elle] Anyway, per Donna’s unjust termination, I thought maybe we could rally the student body and do something nice in her honor. For example, when the Oscars snubbed Anjelica Huston for The Addams Family Values, my friends and I collected money for a chimp sanctuary.

I don’t think she’s kidding.

Elle, I’m sure Anjelica Huston loved knowing that you and your friends found a way to make her awards season all about you.

[Elle] Oh. [stammers]

But wouldn’t the best way to honor Donna have been not getting her fired in the first place?

[Katie] Basically, no one wants to be seen with you. Yeah, she gets it, Katie. Anyway, I’m gonna go honor Donna by being really bummed, and you can go do whatever you need to do to make this all about you.

[wistful music playing]

[rain falling]

[line ringing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Madison] Elle? I just got your emergency page. One-eight-seven? Does that mean bad haircut, or are you being held at gunpoint?

[Elle] I don’t make everything about me, do I?

Of course not. You’re notoriously bad at accepting a compliment. It’s one of your most endearing qualities.

[Elle] Stop. Wait, why aren’t you at school?

Oh, there was an earthquake this morning.

[Elle] Oh, my God. You should’ve 187’d me.

It wasn’t bad. It just… It messed with our collective chi.

[Elle] I miss earthquakes.

My dad’s new girlfriend is using it as an excuse to have me chauffeur her around all day. So now I’m waiting outside the Polo Lounge like some kind of… Pause. I just found a way to get you home. Cosmo‘s doing a semester-long internship in L.A.

[Elle] Oh, my God. My parents would have to let me move back for something like that.

[chuckles]

[Elle] I’d be a shoo-in at CULA.

You could live in our pool house. You know that singer that my dad thinks is gonna be the next big thing? She just moved out. Christina… Aguachile or something.

[Elle] Okay. Tell me how to win immediately.

Okay, I think you just need to choose from a few of these essay prompts. Um… Mm. Oh. Here.

“Cosmo girls get knocked down, but they get up again. When things get bad, how would you stage your comeback?”

[Elle] How do you stage a comeback?

I think you just have kids or go on SNL.

[Elle] But I’m a virgin, and I can’t wait until Saturday. I could write about Donna’s comeback. I can help her get rehired. She really deserves a second chance here. Wait, but isn’t that kind of hard?

You’re Elle Woods. I’ve seen you open six cans of Fanta without breaking one acrylic nail.

[Elle] I did do that. [sighs] Okay, I can do this. I’ll get Donna her job back, crush this essay, and put Seattle in my rearview.

Let’s get you home, Elle.

[soft chatter]

No. I miss CarpetMart being uncool. Once Layne Staley rolled through, it was game over.

I’m sorry, Liz. If I hear of anybody selling tickets, I’ll let you know.

[Elle] I’d ask you what CarpetMart is, but I assume you’re mad at me, too.

I actually didn’t even notice you. Which, I don’t know, is that worse?

[Elle] Under normal circumstances, yes. But with everyone hating me ’cause of the whole Donna thing, invisibility is a welcome change.

The Donna “thing”?

[Elle] Getting her fired. But worry not. This is just the origin story of Donna’s epic comeback. I have ideas to get Donna rehired.

Not number three. She hates bowling.

[Elle] Weird that she hates fun for the whole family, but good to know.

And who is Judge Judy Sheindlin?

[Elle] [gasps] Only the most brilliant family court judge in Manhattan. She just needs a better platform to showcase her talents. [gasps] But you’re right.

[school bell rings]

[Elle] She’s probably busy.

[door shuts]

[Nichols] Okay. People, today we are talking mice and we’re talking men. We are talking… Of Mice and Men.

[student] The book is boring. Can we read something more… not boring?

[Nichols] Well, this… “boring” book was deemed a critical part of your junior year curriculum by the Washington State Board of Education. So if you really have an issue with it, I don’t know, start a petition or something.

[Elle] That’s perfect. Mr. Nichols. You’re brilliant. [light snickering]

Thank you. Okay. Of Mice and Men. Yet another example of why California sucks.

You’re supposed to be learning things here. When did you have time to do this?

[Elle] Well, technically I didn’t do it. I gave one of the cheerleaders all my liquid black eyeliner to collect signatures from our classmates because I needed a proxy as a result of no one liking me here.

Okay. And you think a few signatures are gonna get Donna her job back?

[Elle] These 117 signatures embody our unified voice, a testament to our unwavering resolve that injustice will not be tolerated. Sure… Donna broke a few rules. But it was all in the interest of helping people.

She was caught stealing money.

[Elle] Well, she bought a starving kid lunch with petty cash.

Caleb i-is not starving. His parents are going through a divorce, and sometimes things like lunch money get lost in the shuffle.

[Elle] Well, thank goodness for Donna, then.

You recognize I’m an adult, right? Did your last school have any sense of authority? [chuckles]

All sparkly clean. I left your car in your spot. And the detailing guy found this jacket under your passenger seat.

Ah. Uh, thank you, Ms. Martindale.

[Elle] Principal Anderson, while I do love a bold citrus, I’m not sure orange suede maximizes the potential of your complexion.

It’s my wife’s.

[Elle] Oh. You mean that stone-cold fox pretending to like sports?

Not pretending. Born and raised Mariners junkie. And flattery is not gonna get Donna her job back. Get to class.

[Elle] Well, Principal Anderson, Donna deserves a second chance here.

Even if I agreed with you, it’s too late. She’s working at Pike Place Market now.

[Elle] Donna already found a new job?

She’s not coming back, Elle. Get to class.

[intriguing music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[woman over P.A.] Half-off special for shellfish at the fish counter.

[bell clangs]

Order! Salmon!

Hey-ya!

[gasping, laughter]

[bell clangs]

Hey-ya!

[woman] Whoo!

[overlapping chatter]

[Elle] Donna? I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to and that you have easy access to a boning knife, but I’m really, really sorry you got fired.

Aw. Thanks, Elle, but there is nothing to be sorry about.

[bell clangs]

Do I wish you hadn’t shared my tricks of the trade with the entire student body? Yes. But they are my tricks, and I got to own ’em.

[Elle] This is exactly why I started a petition in your honor arguing you were a victim of injustice and deserve your job back.

You started a petition?

[Elle] Mm-hmm. 117 signatures strong.

[bell clangs]

[Elle] But Principal Anderson was aggressively unmoved. He’s such a stickler.

Elle, you shouldn’t be trying to fix this with him.

[Elle] [gasps] You’re right. We need to go higher, like the school superintendent. I have a Jackie O suit skirt I have been dying to mobilize.

No. Elle, stop trying to help me with anybody.

[Elle] You don’t want to keep working here, do you?

Of course not. I hate this place. A raccoon followed me home last night.

[man shouts]

[bell clangs]

But I will be fine. And you got enough going on without worrying about me, so take care of yourself. Like, seriously. Now. Duck. Duck!

[man] Order! Salmon!

[Elle] [sighs]

[somber music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Woods comma Elle? Hi, I’m Shannon Walker. Chair of the social committee. Well, the only member of the social committee. Are you okay?

[Elle] Sorry. I forgot what it was like to receive eye contact.

[chuckles] Well, I’m here to officially welcome you to Rainier West High with this gift basket. I would have given it to you last week, but I was in the city visiting FIT.

[Elle] As in the Fashion Institute of Technology?

Finally someone’s heard of it. I love Seattle, but our style’s kind of… lacking. Uh, anyway, I’m applying for early admission. Being a senior is so stressful.

[Elle] [whispers] Are you real?

[giggles] You’ll find some super cute spirit wear, some local beans, and a book from a Seattle-based author.

[Elle] I didn’t even know this school had spirit to wear. I couldn’t have curated this better myself.

Full disclosure: the Seattle-based author is my mom. Zero presh to read. Anyway, well–

[Elle] I got Donna fired. Oh, my God. I don’t know why I said that. I, I think I’m coming down with a case of the Marlenas.

I love Days, too!

[Elle] Oh, my God, twinsies. [chuckles] But you should have all the facts about me before you decide how you feel.

I’ve actually already heard. Donna was the best, but I don’t blame you.

[Elle] You don’t?

No. I’m a feminist, which means I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs.

[school bell rings]

Oh. Anyway, got to head. But the sun’s never gone, Elle. She’s just pumping herself up behind a cloud. Byes!

[Elle] Byes!

[optimistic music playing]

Hey. Let me help you with that.

[Elle] Miles. Hi.

Hey.

[Elle] Thanks.

Yeah.

[Elle] So you don’t hate me either?

Should I hate you?

[Elle] Preferably not.

Okay, settled. I will continue not hating you.

[Elle] Thank you.

Next.

[Elle] Uh, the vegetarian option, please.

[chuckles]

[Elle] Right. I know what you’re thinking. Of course the L.A. girl’s a vegetarian. But factory farming’s a major contributor to global warming. Plus baby cows are really cute.

Agreed. Uh, unfortunately, my cross-country coach does not.

[Elle] My last school didn’t have a cross-country team, I don’t think. Is that the one where you ski and then shoot a gun?

Uh… it-it’s running. You just run.

[Elle] [chuckles softly] Well, I don’t run, but I do walk with conviction.

Huh. [chuckles softly]

[chuckles]

[Elle] What?

Uh, nothing. Uh… Hey, are you going to CarpetMart on Saturday?

[Elle] Okay, what is CarpetMart?

[stammers] It’s not actually about carpet. Uh, I mean, it is, but it’s not.

[Elle] Okay, that-that really clears things up.

[student] Yo, Miles. Over here.

Uh…

[Elle] Anyway, you were saying about Saturday and inquiring about my potential availability?

I’m sorry. I… I got to run.

[Elle] Uh… do it with conviction.

Enjoy your bun.

[Elle] I will.

[energetic music playing]

[laughter]

[Elle] [gasps] Shannon.

[chuckles softly]

[Elle] And Kimberly.

[laughter]

Hey, guys.

[indistinct chatter]

Why, yes, you are more than welcome to sit here. Thanks for asking.

[Elle] I don’t understand. Did I misread Shannon Walker’s celestial aura?

I didn’t get a gift basket when I started here.

[Elle] She’s kind, nonjudgmental, fashion-forward. She’s everything I thought was missing from this high school.

Thanks?

[Elle] How could she be friends with someone like Kimberly?

[all laugh]

[Elle] Who is obviously relishing my fall from grace.

I think you’re overestimating how much people liked you before this. Besides, Kimberly’s not mean around Shannon. She’s the Picasso of being two-faced. She’s also Shannon’s guard dog, so good luck getting past her.

[all laugh]

[Elle] [sighs]

See, now you’re just staring.

[Elle] Give me my book back. Hmm.

[Eva] You got this. Yes. Just look right there. Right there. Two steps over.

[sighs]

I don’t get it. He just stands there.

[Elle] Come on, Bruiser. [gasps] Glam-ma modeled this after the Beverly Wilshire. It’s like you’re in Pretty Woman.

Except you kiss on the lips.

[Bruiser whines]

[kissing]

[chuckles]

Oh. The upstairs guest room with the warmer daylight. Thank you.

[Elle] Wait, are you refurnishing the entire house?

Well, at first I resisted because it felt so permanent. But isn’t it already feeling more us? And get this. As I was power walking, I spotted a fabulous gay couple driving a Corvette and a woman walking a border collie. And you know what that means.

[Elle] What?

Our neighborhood is the perfect combination of socially liberal and fiscally conservative.

[Elle] So we basically moved to cloudy Brentwood.

Yeah. I’m thinking of hosting a little housewarming party to get to know the community.

[Elle] Speaking of community-building, my classmate’s mom wrote a book and she’s having an event tonight.

Oh, wow.

[Elle] Yeah. Shannon’s the first person I’ve connected with here. She basically radiates positivity. And you’ve always told me optimism, like bone structure, is genetic.

Is genetic.

[Elle] We should go.

Oh. I don’t know, Elle. I don’t love the color story of that book cover.

[Elle] But… you know who likes to go to book readings?

People who can’t afford TVs?

[Elle] People who like being invited… [singsongy] to housewarmings.

[chuckles]

[Robin] “And then it hit me. I couldn’t run from my past. Instead, like the mountains before me, I had to traverse it. Because sometimes the route to the top isn’t the most direct. It zigs and it zags, but the struggle made me who I am.” Thank you.

[Elle] She has such a way with words.

Very evocative. I felt like I was being wrongfully evicted right alongside her.

[Elle] Yes.

Wow. Let’s go get our copies. So nice to meet you, Sierra.

You, too.

[champagne cork pops]

And there’s bubbles? Elle, we should really have books read to us more often.

[Elle] I know.

[Shannon] Elle.

[Elle] Shannon.

Hi. Come here.

[Elle] Hi.

Oh.

[Elle] That was amazing. Your mom rocks. And climbs them, too, apparently.

I can’t believe you came. Nobody at school ever comes to these kinds of things. I mean, it’s a book reading, not CarpetMart, but still. Are you going tomorrow?

[Elle] Totally. I definitely know what that is. I love carpet. I always thought rugs were phoning it in.

[laughs] Elle, you’re so funny. And so stylish.

[Elle] Aw.

I wouldn’t wear those cute suede boots outside, though.

[Elle] Oh, these are Ultrasuede. Faux suede that is animaland cruelty-free. And waterproof.

Oh, thank God. Because Seattle women don’t wear suede.

[Elle] Everyone knows you can’t wear soft leather in a city that rains 160 days a year. Even I know that. I’m not even from… Seattle. [gasps] Principal Anderson’s having an affair. This way, this way.

Oh, my God. Ew. How do you know this?

[Elle] So, yesterday I was in his office and I commented on an orange suede jacket he claimed was his wife’s. And I thought, “That’s a bad color match for a redhead, but who am I to judge?” And then he said she had gone to every Mariners game since she was a toddler, which means she was born and raised in Seattle, and… Seattle women don’t wear suede.

Seattle women don’t wear suede.

The jacket must belong to some other woman. Why else would he lie?

[Elle] Mm-hmm. Exactly. Oh, this is perfect. I can use this as leverage to get Donna out of that job that she hates.

[chuckles] Oh, my God, I love the way you talk. You have to let me help.

[Elle] Seriously? It won’t be easy, though. To be honest… I’ve never used the word “leverage” before in my life.

Marlena and John went up against a literal demon. How hard could it be to get Donna’s job back?

[Elle] True. Ah, you’re so smart.

[both laugh]

“Live, laugh, love.” Oh. That’s profound. Thank you. And speaking of profound, this is my Elle.

Oh.

[Elle] Hi. It is so nice of you both to come. L.A. women are so friendly.

You and Shannon must come over for drinks sometime. I make a killer cocktail. And mocktail.

[Elle] Oh, it’s true. Her Heavy Petting on the Beach is to die for.

We would love that.

[Elle] Oh, mind if we head out? I need your advice on how to handle a juicy piece of intel.

Sure, I just wanted to tell Robin, your book reminded me so much of my husband’s botched nose job.

My book on systemic discrimination?

I’m sure you read about it. The coverage was awful. The Post headline was clever, but the article itself lacked all journalistic integrity. Anyway, there we were, at rock bottom, faced with a choice. We could crawl into a hole and die, or… we could zig and zag our way to a new city with a fresh start, and here we are. Surviving.

That sounds harrowing.

Robin, it was.

Hmm. Well, I’m glad you enjoyed the book, Eva.

I loved it.

[man clears throat]

[Eva chuckles]

[Elle] Mom, there’s-there’s a line forming behind us.

Thanks.

Bye, ladies.

Bye.

[Elle] Bye. Byes.

[door opens]

[entry bell jingles]

[Elle groaning]

[knock on door]

[Wyatt] Hey.

[Elle] I want to suffocate myself.

Oh. I mean, the book was rough, but that last third was so uplifting.

[Elle] [sighs]

Mom compared your botched surgery to Robin getting kicked out of her house.

Ah. Well, in her defense, I don’t think your mom’s known many activists turned adventurers turned spoken-word artists.

[Elle] Wow. You really did read the book.

Again, a lot of free time here.

[Elle] I love Mom, but I wish I brought you instead. So embarrassing. I mean, everyone already thinks I’m the self-centered L.A. girl, and now the one person who was open to getting to know me thinks it, too.

Well, it’s not the first time your mom’s over-involved herself. I think she’s just looking to connect with people.

[Elle] Yeah, well, it’s hereditary. And not in the “good cheekbones” way. If I hadn’t over-involved myself by trying to connect with people in that school auction, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

Perhaps, but maybe there’s some good news for you about this terrible hereditary condition.

[Elle] Doubtful.

Your mom never stays down for long, and she has more friends than anyone I’ve ever met. And so do you.

[Elle] Yeah. Actually, I need your help with something.

[♪ X-Ray Spex plays “I Am a Poseur”]

[door opens]

[entry bell jingles]

[Elle] Hi.

Okay, are you stalking me? ‘Cause this is starting to feel like stalking.

[Elle] You don’t exactly make it hard to find you when the only clothing you own is Bad Vibrations paraphernalia.

That’s called victim-blaming, and it’s not the only clothing I own.

♪ Voyeurism is the game ♪

♪ Stereoscopic…

Whatever.

♪ Viewing time makes it grow…

[Elle] Is this you? I didn’t know you were a musician.

[Todd] She’s not. Shut up, Todd.

She’s only sold one copy.

Please shut up, Todd.

I sing. Sometimes.

My mom says it looks good on a college application.

What are your top choices?

Oberlin?

Juilliard?

Berklee with an “E”?

Uh, Seattle Community College?

[gasps] That’s great.

You know, Teri Hatcher went to community college.

Okay, why are you here?

Um, so I actually found out that CarpetMart is a carpet store that inexplicably turns into a music venue at night.

The carpets help with acoustics. Obviously.

Because the idea of using a venue originally designed for music is a poser move. [gasps]

See? I’m getting this.

Anyway, I thought maybe we could go together.

Okay, um… [clears throat]

So, tonight is the kickoff show for Bob’s Your Uncle’s Pacific Northwest tour.

They’re like the next big thing in grunge. It’s totally sold out.

Oh, nothing’s ever really sold out.

Seriously.

I asked my dad to get us tickets. He can do anything.

300 square feet of cut-and-loop Berber, and that is my final offer. Hello? Hello?

[recorded message] If you’d like to make a call…

Honey?

Our floors are perfect now.

My rug guy took us on that full texture journey.

I remember, and I agree, it looks great. I’m on a different mission.

Elle’s asked me to help her get into some sold-out concert.

Elle asked you to get her tickets?

She probably saw how busy you were with the house and didn’t want to bother you.

You’re being sweet.

I embarrassed her.

Well, all I got her was a VIP pass to a carpet convention in Tukwila.

Okay.

For music-related inquiries, including tickets and events, we call Simon LeDoux.

Got it. Simon LeDoux.

Madison’s dad. Mm-hmm.

He’s produced more albums than Rick Rubin.

I may have been a little checked out back at home, huh? A little.

Please bring me my Rolodex and a dry martini.

Thank you. [clears throat]

[bouncer] Next.

So, just to be clear, once we’re inside, I will be ditching you.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I appreciate your cut-to-itiveness.

I’ll just huddle with Shannon and figure out how to get Donna her job back.

[bouncer] Next.

[♪ The Halo Benders play “Don’t Touch My Bikini”] ♪ Heavy breathing, hunting season ♪

♪ There’s no reason we can’t form a plan ♪

♪ Don’t touch my graffiti ♪

♪ Smile if you dare, oily oinkers…

A trust system.

I’m sure this is fine.

[Liz] Uh, I thought Donna asked you to stop pestering Anderson.

Oh, she was just looking out for me.

But once she sees the terrifying blackmail note

I crafted using letters from old Us Weeklies, she’s gonna…

Wait, how’d you know Donna asked me to stop pestering Anderson?

Shannon, hi.

Oh, I can’t talk. Boyfriend’s at will call.

Oh.

[Kimberly] What’s up, Pink Slip?

Why are you here with the chick who got your mom fired?

Wait, what?

I’m not.

What’s wrong, Elle? You look like you’ve seen a chipped manicure.

[chuckles] Burn.

Liz?

Excuse me, sorry. Liz?

Liz?

Hang on.

Hey, s-since when is Donna your mom?

Since birth.

Why didn’t you tell me?

Because you never asked.

Well, that’s not fair.

I haven’t asked anyone who their parents are in Seattle.

In L.A., I only know ’cause of E! News.

We live out of district, okay?

My mom just told me that me going to our school hinges on her working there, which means I should have gotten kicked out when she did, but Anderson was willing to fudge the paperwork to keep me enrolled.

He can, he can do that?

He did do that.

So if you start accusing him of cheating via what I assume is a sparkly pink ransom note on my mom’s behalf, I’m pretty sure I’d get kicked out, too.

I-I don’t want you to get kicked out.

Then please, just… give up.

[feedback whines]

[♪ “All Ages Show”]

[crowd cheering]

♪ Knee-highs to the sky ♪

♪ Gliding down the street with the sun in her eye-eye-eyes ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Eye-eye-eye-eyes ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Eye-eye-eye-eyes…

You look like you’re having fun.

Everything just feels backwards here.

You are from a city that pays TV doctors more than real ones.

I mean, I try to be charitable, but I just get people fired.

I try to get Donna her job back, but that’s just making things worse.

But Principal Anderson fudges paperwork and cheats on his wife, and he’s a freaking hero.

Wait, what do you mean, fudges paperwork?

[sighs] I don’t know. I didn’t exactly catch the details amidst my existential crisis.

But he’s doing something shady?

[sighs] ‘Cause I always thought there was something deeper going on with the underpaid support staff–

I want to give up!

I’ve never said that before.

Those words have never entered my mind.

What?

No. No, this place will not change me.

Cosmo girls are down but not out.

Elle Woods doesn’t give up.

She doesn’t.

Okay.

What-what are you doing?

Getting you out of your head.

I’m in wedges!

[singer] One, two, three, go!

♪ Knee-highs to the sky, gliding down the street…

This doesn’t seem sanitary.

♪ Hair of gold, remote-controlled…

Wait, Dustin. Where are you going?

Rage, Elle!

♪ Walking all around ♪

♪ On a merry-go-round…

I dare you to have fun!

♪ What you do to me ♪

♪ It might be better than watching TV ♪

♪ Drinking chai, oversized…

Sorry, was that too aggressive?

♪ And I’m polarized ♪

♪ Take it slow unless you’re gonna go ♪

♪ and then I’ll see you later at the all-ages show ♪

♪ Walking all around ♪

♪ On a merry-go-round ♪

♪ Don’t you wanna know where to go? ♪

♪ I’m on the list for the ♪♪

[disorienting music playing]

[muffled rock music playing]

[echoing] Elle, are you okay?

[music plays clearly]

[siren whoops]

Okay, uh, height?

Five-three.

In kitten heels.

Miles, this is so nice, but you can go.

Like seriously, please go. I can’t, actually.

You could be concussed.

I’m fine.

On the drive over here, you claimed your favorite color was “charcoal.”

I did not say that. Did I say that?

[chuckles]

Just testing your short-term memory. You passed.

Ow.

Let me see.

[Eva] Elle Woods. W-OODS.

Buttery blonde– Mom, Mom, I’m here.

I’m here.

Oh, my God. Oh.

[whispers] I’m sorry.

I am fine.

Are you okay? Do you know who I am?

Yes, yes. What’s your middle name?

I am fine. It’s just a bump.

Honey, what were you thinking?

Sweetie, people die in mosh pits every day.

Well, here I am. Alive.

And who is that handsome young gentleman who seems very concerned about your well-being?

He’s just a friend.

She’s gonna make it.

Thanks.

And thank you for helping.

Oh, yeah. [stammers] See you later.

See you.

[Eva sighs]

The minute I heard the venue was called CarpetMart, I knew the night would end in the ER.

Wait, you got me the tickets?

Oh, sweetie.

Your dad may be spending more time in the kitchen, but that doesn’t mean he suddenly knows how to cook.

I’m glad you’re here.

[contemplative music playing]

So, about my performance at Robin’s the other night, I… you know, I probably should’ve just said I liked the book instead of… you know.

Comparing discrimination to a bad nose job?

I get it. You’re just trying to connect with people.

[sighs] It’s been really hard here.

I mean, I’ve never not been liked before.

I hate it.

Okay, let me let you in on a little something.

High school is hard.

For everyone, no matter where you live.

But you are going to win over this entire city before you know it.

[indistinct chatter nearby]

[nurse] Let me grab those charts.

Ten percent off any procedure at my husband’s plastic surgery practice if you can get my daughter seen ASAP.

We don’t take bribes here.

Of course not. And you shouldn’t.

Just in case you change your mind.

He can do anything.

Was that necessary?

Yeah.

Long line, sweetie.

And she’s gonna be back.

[typing]

I set out to help an underserved community member with her comeback and discovered I was in need of my own.

But comebacks don’t happen overnight.

They’re hard.

There will be times where it will feel like everything’s against you and you’ll be tempted to give up, but… you just can’t.

Because Cosmo girls are strong, and strong people fight.

[knock on door]

How’s the noggin?

Oh, I’ll live.

Wish I could say the same for my family with dysentery.

I should’ve never forded the river.

Hmm. Did you ever find that friend you were looking for?

[Bruiser whines]

I didn’t.

But I may have potentially made a new one in the process.

See? Seattle can’t keep Elle Woods down for long.

Oh, someone named Shannon’s

on the phone. Dad.

What?

Lead with that.

Oh.

[gasps]

Shannon. Hi.

Elle, I heard you took a major one to the head. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I did.

It was pretty… major.

But I’ll survive.

Of course you will. They make ’em tough in L.A.

Oh, um, so that Principal Anderson thing?

Turns out I got a bad tip. I’m dropping it.

I think Donna prefers it that way, too.

Uh, probably for the best.

I will continue to picture Anderson as a sexless Ken doll with no parts.

[Kimberly] Shannon, let’s go! Anyway, we’re leaving.

Glad you’re okay, Elle.

Byes!

Byes. [dial tone]

[ominous music playing]

[typing]

[dramatic music playing]

[♪ The Juliana Hatfield Three plays “Spin the Bottle”]

[singer vocalizing]

♪ He’s a movie star ♪

♪ Only drives rented cars ♪ [urinating]

♪ Met him in a bar…

[sighs] Bruiser, you did it. Outside.

Look who’s getting the hang of Seattle after all.

♪ Bottle’s on the ground ♪ [Bruiser grunts]

♪ Are you ready now? ♪

♪ When it comes to me, I’m gonna be ready ♪

♪ It’s my turn in a minute ♪

[both giggling] ♪ Gonna put my message in it ♪

♪ Five minutes ♪

♪ in the closet with you ♪

♪ He’s in a bunch of movies, really stupid movies ♪

♪ It’s not entirely his fault, he can’t control it all ♪

♪ I am not afraid, I can hardly wait ♪

♪ Truth or dare, I don’t care ♪

♪ Tell the truth, I dare you ♪

♪ Five minutes ♪

♪ in the closet with you ♪

♪ Oh, five minutes ♪

♪ in the closet ♪

♪ with you ♪

♪ Spin it round again, spin it round again ♪

♪ Spin it round again ♪

♪ Spin it round again, spin it round again ♪♪