Elle – S01E01 – Pilot – Transcript

Elle
Season 1 – Episode 1
Episode title: Pilot
Original release date: July 1, 2026

Plot: In 1995, Elle Woods is living a 16-year-old’s dream with the perfect plan to dominate her junior year in Bel-Air. But her world turns upside down when her parents move her to a new city far away from anything that feels comfortable.

* * *

Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[♪ Mariah Carey sings “Fantasy”]

[woman] Oh, my gosh.

♪ Oh, when you walk by every night ♪

♪ Talking sweet and looking fine ♪ Thank you very much.

♪ I get kind of hectic inside… Thank you.

[pager beeping]

[Madison] Hi, Mrs. Woods. Hi.

You look beautiful.

♪ Darling, if you only knew all the things…

[Madison] Hi, Mr. Woods. [chuckles] Hey.

♪ But it’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby ♪

♪ When I close my eyes…

[gasps] Happy birthday, Elle.

[laughs]

[DJ] Let’s give it up one more time for the birthday girl… Elle Woods. [crowd cheering]

♪ It’s just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby ♪

♪ When I close my eyes ♪ [chuckles]

♪ you come and take me ♪

♪ On and on and on ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet fantasy, baby ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet fantasy ♪ [sighs]

♪ baby ♪♪

[Elle] Thank you, DJ Jonathan.

I know today is supposed to be my day, but… [sighs] but really, it’s about you.

Because, as I look out at all your faces… I see so many people who made me into the woman I am today.

I know everyone sees me and thinks, “Eh, she knows exactly who she is and what she wants,” and they’re right. [laughter]

But you all played a huge part in that.

Tiffany, you helped me find my signature scent.

[laughs] Mrs. Campbell, you showed me the importance of an SPF.

And Madison, my best friend of 12.5 years, I can’t even count the number of times you saved me from overplucking my eyebrows.

I know. If it weren’t for you, I would look like the Mona Lisa in my yearbook photo.

[laughter]

She’s not done yet, honey. She’s landing the plane.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you.

So, I would just like to raise a glass to all of you.

My friends, my world.

I’m so lucky to have this life.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

Aww.

Cheers. [whooping]

We love you!

[microphone feedback squeals] Maybe something like Madonna but not exactly Madonna.

[whispers] Madonna two years ago, not Madonna now.

[♪ Annie Lennox sings “Walking on Broken Glass”]

[lively chatter]

♪ Walking on, walking on…

[gasps]

[both laugh] [Madison] Amazing speech.

Thank you. Although we had that falling-out in third grade, when you got your ears pierced without me.

So, technically, it’s only been 12 years of friendship.

I thought we swore never to speak of that again.

[both laugh] Okay.

Let’s talk junior year.

I’m assuming that you’ve put together some five-point plan to allow us to dominate 11th grade. Uh, no.

It’s a three-point plan. [gasps]

More concise, that’s better. Mm-hmm.

Step one… Mm-hmm?

…solidify our friendships with the coolest senior girls so our reputations are firmly in place when they graduate.

Obviously. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Step two, become group leaders on the cheer squad.

Mm, that’s inevitable. [laughs]

And step three, and this is probably the most important step of all…

Mm-hmm.

…have the most perfect first kiss with the most perfect guy.

[squeals] Let me guess.

Hot Josh? [stammers]

Do you want me to talk to him for you?

No. I have a better idea. Okay.

I’m gonna start a rumor that he has a crush on me.

And then he’ll hear the rumor, and he’ll start to wonder… [gasps]

“Do I have a crush on her?”

And then we’ll be in the most perfect location together.

A Bryan Adams song will start to play, and then he’ll kiss me.

Or you could just talk to him now. [chuckles]

That’s not really part of the plan– Oh, Josh!

Come here! Come here, come here. [Elle] M-Madison. Madison.

Plan. The plan. I will get right on that.

Yes. Mm. [Elle panting]

Oh.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, Hot…

Josh. You are so sweet.

Uh, well, I’m-I’m really glad Madison called me over.

There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.

Really?

[♪ Bryan Adams sings “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?”]

♪ To really ♪

♪ love a woman ♪

♪ To understand… So, I’ve been thinking about you, actually. Yeah?

And…

[crowd] ♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪ Sorry.

It’s okay.

♪ to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Elle ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

[cheering]

[Wyatt laughs]

Happy birthday, sweetie.

[cheering continues]

[whooping]

[upbeat music playing]

[confetti pops]

[laughs]

[Eva] Hi, honey. Uh, just one second.

I’m almost done learning about women who can’t experience intimacy.

[Eva] Oh.

Uh, Elle.

We have something important we want to talk to you about.

Oh, God.

[sighs] Is this about Marlena?

[laughs softly] Wh… [sighs]

Which one’s Marlena? S… It’s Days of Our Lives.

Oh. She’s been possessed by pure evil, so John performed an exorcism on her, but then she went into cardiac arrest and died.

So, this is, um… it’s about your dad.

[Wyatt sighs]

You remember that nose job I did on… you know?

[gasps] Oh, of course.

It didn’t set.

What do you mean, it didn’t set?

Um…

It kind of… [grunts softly]

Dad, that’s social suicide.

I know. She had to drop out of her next movie. It’s a mess.

And word’s starting to spread that it’s my fault, there might be a lawsuit– So, so… we are gonna have to lay low for a little bit.

Of course.

I didn’t know you were carrying all of this, Dad.

Oh, I’m so glad you feel that way, because I’ve had to look for other work.

People in smaller markets that need someone with my background.

That’s exactly what you should be doing.

Way to be proactive.

I found a place.

Uh, it’s a private practice. Only one other doctor.

I can’t afford to be choosy right now.

That’s great. What’s it called?

Seattle’s Elite. [clears throat]

Because the other doctor’s from Seattle?

Because the practice is in Seattle.

And they’re opening an office here?

No, the office is in Seattle. And you’ll commute to Seattle–

Elle, we’re moving to Seattle.

[chuckles]

No.

It doesn’t sound right.

Just until people forget about this whole situation.

How long will that be?

Couple years.

[exhales] That’s my whole life.

Hey. Hey.

The Woods family is adaptable. [chuckles]

Mm-hmm. Do you remember when those coyotes wandered over during my Night Before the Night Before Party?

Yes. I told everyone, “Uh, we imported them for ambiance.”

And guess what? We all had a great time.

[crying] We did. This is just like that.

Except for longer.

[crying]

[crying, squealing]

[exhales]

[crying]

[gentle music playing]

[sighs] [Madison] Hey.

It’s nothing a little grief shopping can’t fix.

Okay, okay. Here’s what you have to do.

You know your dad feels guilty, right?

Yeah, yeah. So, you prey on that guilt, and then you lock it away.

And then you start to collect interest on it until one day you need something from him, and he owes you big-time. Mm-hmm.

Wh… that works? Oh, yeah.

My dad forgot my birthday, like, five years ago, and now I can have boys over with the door closed.

But that doesn’t help me now.

I still have to move to…

I can’t even say it.

Seattle.

Aww. Hey, we’ll talk all the time.

And we’ll come visit you.

I’ve never been to Seattle.

It sounds…

North. Yeah?

Yeah. Your life is not over.

It’s just different.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Elle. I’m coming.

[Eva] Honey, the movers are almost here.

I see where all my Ferrero Rocher went.

[Elle] I’m not leaving. [grunts]

Elle. [sighs]

[Elle] I’m faking my own death.

Look how dead I look. [Eva] That’s too bad.

I had a gift for you, but I guess I’ll have to give it to someone who’s alive.

Does it rhyme with “Mersace”?

Even better.

[whimpers softly]

[barking]

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

Oh, is he mine? He’s yours.

Oh! Ah!

[laughs] I know.

He’s so cute.

[whimpers] [gasps]

Aww… Wait.

Did you adopt or did you shop?

The Spellings just redecorated, and earth tones don’t match their new color palette, so I rescued this little blondie from them.

Aww.

My God, you are just a baby.

[gasps] I bet you’re a Gemini like me.

[barks] Oh! And such a tough guy.

[low growl] Oh, you need a tough guy name.

I know.

Bruiser.

[chuckles]

[both laugh]

[gentle music playing]

I am gonna miss her. Of course.

Honey, you’ll talk every single day on the phone. Like you do now.

We can do this. [trunk closes]

[Madison] Get in here.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

[gasps] Who is this?

This is Bruiser. [gasps]

Bruiser, you’re so cute. Hi, little guy.

[Bruiser yips]

I didn’t realize I’d been replaced already.

[scoffs] [chuckles]

I could never replace you.

You can do this.

[sighs]

[car door closes]

[car door opens]

[engine starts]

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

[♪ Garbage sings “I’m Only Happy When It Rains”]

♪ I’m only happy when it’s complicated ♪

♪ And though I know you can’t ♪

♪ appreciate it ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour your ♪

♪ misery down ♪ ♪ Pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down on me ♪ ♪ down, pour your misery ♪

♪ Pour your misery down ♪ ♪ down, pour ♪

♪ You can keep me company as long as ♪

♪ you don’t care ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ You wanna hear about my new obsession? ♪

♪ I’m riding high upon ♪

♪ a deep depression ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down on me ♪

♪ I’m only happy when it rains ♪

♪ Pour some misery down ♪♪

[Wyatt] Oh, this is us.

[speaking indistinctly]

[Bruiser whimpers]

[sighs] I know, it’s scary.

But this is just gonna be our new home for a little while.

[door closes]

Was a funeral home using this place as storage?

It came furnished.

Isn’t that convenient?

Nope. Okay.

[Bruiser whimpers]

[door creaks]

[exhales]

[Elle] Bruiser. [Bruiser whimpers]

We have to give Seattle a shot.

[♪ The B-52s play “Roam”]

♪ Roam if you want to ♪

♪ Roam around the world ♪

♪ Roam if you want to ♪

♪ Without wings, without wheels ♪

♪ Roam if you want to ♪

♪ Roam around the world…

Bruiser?

Wish me luck.

[barking]

[sighs]

♪ Without anything but the love we feel ♪♪

[Eva] Do you have your beeper? Yes.

Lunch money? Yes.

Your armor?

My what?

It is my armor.

I know.

Whoa! [gasps]

[all oohing]

[Eva] Oh, my God!

Oh.

Where are the manners?

[scoffs]

Boo! Boo. Boo.

Hey.

It’s gonna be fine.

Feeling very blond.

There’s another one.

[Elle gasps]

Mom, her roots. I know.

Yeah, I hope that’s a choice.

[car door opens] Hey.

You got this.

[indistinct chatter]

[car door closes]

[♪ L7 plays “Shove”]

[sighs]

♪ Get out of my way ♪

♪ or I might shove… Nice umbrella.

Thanks. It’s an heirloom.

[girl] She’s joking. You look like an idiot.

♪ or I’m gonna shove ♪

♪ Landlord doesn’t like my dog ♪

♪ Shove ♪

♪ My eyes are burning from the smog ♪

[Elle] Hi. Ew.

♪ Shove ♪

♪ My neighbors ♪

♪ say I jam too loud…

Ooh. Chess.

I love smart people.

[girl 2] So you hate yourself.

♪ Get out of my way ♪

[school bell ringing]

♪ or I might shove ♪

♪ Get out of my way ♪

♪ or I’m gonna shove ♪♪

It’s a total straw man argument.

No one actually thinks that Eddie Vedder

is better than Kurt Cobain.

[student] Thank you.

Now if you were to say Chris Cornell…

[student 2] No way, dude.

[overlapping chatter]

Did you do anything fun over the summer?

[muffled music playing]

[mouths]

Mm-hmm.

What?

This summer. Did you do anything fun?

What do you mean?

W-What’s that?

A zine.

[gasps] Oh, like, a magazine?

I have two subscriptions to Cosmo, one for my archives and one I can crease.

No, like, a zine.

Cool. What else are you into?

Did-did someone put you up to this?

I’m Elle. I like iced coffee, the month of July, and when people dress kind of tennisy, even if they don’t play tennis.

Was it Kimberly?

[door closes]

Uh, welcome to first period.

I am Mr. Nichols, and this is… English. Okay.

Let’s just dive right into it.

Much Ado About Nothing.

It was the shortest thing on your summer reading list, so it’s kind of a gimme. Ah, yes?

First of all, nice to meet you.

Second of all, I never received a summer reading list.

It was mailed out in May.

[chuckles] Yeah, I, uh… I actually didn’t know

I’d be going to this school until kind of recently.

There was this whole thing with my dad.

Don’t ask.

Like, seriously don’t ask. I can’t talk about it.

[whispering] NDA.

Well, you’ll have to read the play this week, because you will each be writing a paper on its themes this weekend. [students groaning]

Hi.

Hi. At my old school, we were given the option to have our own take on the assignment.

Is that an option here?

Uh, your own take?

Yeah. Like, we could create a song based on the reading or a short film.

I went to middle school with Tim Burton’s nephew, and you have not experienced Tuck Everlasting until you’ve seen it in stop-motion.

[scattered chuckles] [murmuring]

I’m sure I haven’t, but I would say “no.”

That’s not an option.

A paper is a paper.

Oh.

[groaning] [murmuring]

Just try to keep up. Okay?

So, Much Ado About Nothing. What is it? It is a play.

And what do we know about it?

It was written by William Shakespeare, the great bard himself.

We’re still accepting donations for the auction.

Still accepting donations for the auction.

We’re still accepting donations for the auction.

[gasps] Holy Pierce Brosnan.

[Dustin] We’re accepting donations. A kindred spirit.

So nice to meet a fellow stranger in a strange land.

Did I see you this morning?

You’re the guy who almost hit my mom’s car with your skateboard.

I thought you were a jerk, but you’re just British.

You’re used to driving on the wrong side of the road, which I totally get.

Not the driving thing. I’m not from here, either.

Wow.

Is this place different, right?

Right.

Have you noticed how many hoodies they wear?

What is that about?

I’m Elle Woo– Oh.

Dustin. And I’ve lived here for, like, nine years, so that’s most of my life.

Cool.

I’ll just go to my locker.

Which is right by yours. Great.

Oh.

Uh, you can’t really open both at the same time.

Okay. I’ll just go after you, then.

Look, I just need to get my lunch money from here.

Okay.

What even are those?

I don’t know if it’s really your thing.

What’s happening with the support staff?

Not getting paid a living wage.

It’s been all over the news.

Okay. The news is a nonfictional TV show that connects real people to real issues.

Hmm? [scoffs] I know what the news is.

Great. She’s all yours.

[gentle music playing]

Thank you.

Mmm.

Hi. Could you help me with something? Come on, man.

Sorry. I’m just trying to get the lay of the land.

Like, what cliques are where, who sits with who.

Yeah. I still feel like you’re messing with me.

What’s the, uh, agenda here?

[scoffs] I’m not messing with you.

I just have this whole three-point plan, and the first step is to let–

Band geeks.

Jocks.

D&D nerds.

Stoners.

Kids of parents with Microsoft money.

And kids of parents with Boeing money.

Hi, again. [chuckles]

Which ones are the stoners?

Crazy. No way.

And the Microsoft kids?

[laughing] Seriously?

Hmm.

Could you just point me in the direction of the senior girls?

And if one of them could have won

Homecoming Queen or one of the top-tier superlatives, even better.

Oh, okay. So, you’re not looking for just any old person.

You want a cool senior who can totally boost your popularity?

Yes, exactly.

You should be friends with that girl over there.

The one with the curly hair.

Do you want to come with, or–? Oh, no, I’m good.

[lively chatter]

Hi, ladies.

I was told this is where the coolest of the cool seniors sit.

Well, technically, I’m a junior, but, spiritually, I’m a senior.

[sets tray on table]

Oh. [chuckles]

You’re… sitting.

Wait. I thought we were going to the Bikini Kill show that weekend.

[gasps] So fun.

You know Bikini Kill?

Oh.

I know bikinis.

That kill.

Okay. Whose car are we taking? Or are we seriously taking a bus to Olympia?

[Katie] What about Miles’s?

We can’t take a guy’s car to a Bikini Kill show.

I mean, think of how that would look.

Oh, I totally feel your struggle. All of my friends at home have cars.

It’s impossible not to have one if you live in L.A.

But instead of getting me a car, my parents moved me to Seattle. Hmm.

L.A.

Yeah, that explains it.

You must be so happy to have escaped.

[chuckling]

What’s wrong with L.A.?

Nothing. I-I think we just value different things here, like the planet and social justice.

And not being totally entitled and sitting wherever we want in the cafeteria on our first day when some of us have spent four years earning this table.

Have you ever actually been to L.A.?

[laughing]

Uh, no. No, you couldn’t pay any of us to set foot in California.

And this little exchange is not changing my mind.

Okay, before L.A. Barbie interrupted us, the jackets.

Right, the jackets. Yeah.

[Kimberly] You know the ones? [laughter]

[indistinct chatter continues]

[upbeat music playing]

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. I’ll have him get back to you.

All right, sweetie. Well, good to hear

she’s doing well. Bye. Hi.

Hi.

Love the bobbleheads. Très chic.

Could I see the school nurse? I’m not, um… [clearing throat]

feeling well. Hang on a second. Caleb.

Cafeteria’s that way.

Yeah, I think I’m just gonna skip it today.

Not gonna happen.

Come here.

I’m serious. Thank you, Donna.

Why is he skipping lunch?

His parents haven’t paid for school lunch, but the boy’s got to eat, and I have petty cash, so…

That’s so nice.

No one at my old school would’ve done that.

Well, the way I see it is that it is my job to look out for all of you.

And if that means sneaking into the cafeteria to get someone a piece of cake for their birthday, or signing a permission slip that their parents forgot to sign, you know, some rules are made to be broken.

[chuckles]

[gasps]

Is that a Cosmo?

You can tell by the corner?

Of course.

All right. I know this may not seem like my thing, but, oh, those little quizzes are so addictive.

I know!

And their horoscopes have been right on several occasions.

It’s kind of my bible. Oh, my God. Me, too.

I-I just moved here, so I’m waiting for my subscription to get forwarded here.

Mm.

Could I just…?

[gasps] Thank you.

[sniffs]

[sighs]

Hmm.

Hi, Donna. Um, just give me five, and then I’m gonna make a few phone calls.

[Donna] Yeah. Absolutely.

Now, there is just one more form I need you to fill out.

We kind of have a “no chitchat” policy here in the office.

I totally understand.

Now, I could call your parents and tell them you have a 24-hour bug or something.

Or you could spend your lunch in here, doing that very important paperwork, of course.

Mm-hmm. And you could give this place a chance.

What kind of chance?

Well, if this was your first day at your old school, how would you be spending it?

Hmm.

[gasps] L-ETSGO, that’s the way we spell “Let’s go.”

Let’s go. Hey, hey, let’s go.

And I don’t know your mascot, so go, team, go.

[noisemaker rattling]

Thank you.

I mean, wack.

It’s fine. You’re in.

Oh. Really?

Don’t you need to take a few days and put up a list or something?

Nah, you’re in.

Great. Thank you so much, ladies.

I won’t let you down.

Next.

[upbeat music playing]

Good luck.

[slowly] L-ETSGO, that’s the way we spell “Let’s go.”

Let’s go. Hey, hey, let’s go.

Great, you’re in.

Sweet. [gasps]

[grunts] [gasps] Oh!

Oh. Oh. [stammers]

Sorry. It’s okay. Whew. [chuckles]

Are you okay?

Yeah. I’m great. [chuckles]

So great. Okay.

Okay. [sighs]

[sighs]

Are you sure you’re all right?

Does this school not have a football team?

If so, I can’t imagine they’re very highly motivated since…

Yeah, football’s not really a thing here.

So who do they root for?

I think girls here think cheering for boys is lame.

[scoffs]

So they just… cheer for themselves?

[gentle music playing]

You got a name?

Elle Woods.

Elle… Woods.

Yeah.

Okay. Ooh.

Mm-hmm.

I have to say, I love my office.

Aw.

I knew you would. Yeah, and the nice thing about the slower pace is that I-I feel like I can really spend time with my patients, like I might actually make a difference.

Me, too.

[Wyatt] Yeah?

[Eva] Can you believe

they didn’t have Tae Bo here yet? [scoffs]

Such an interesting place, Eva. Yes.

What about you?

How’s the new school? Yeah, you said you tried out for cheer. How was it?

I don’t think I’m gonna join.

The girls here just kind of cheer for themselves.

I don’t get it. Hmm.

I think it’s feminism.

Yeah, that’s very in right now.

[Wyatt] Hmm.

[Eva] It’s probably why Marlena came back to life.

Can you believe she’s not even possessed anymore?

She did?

Honey. Oh, no. I-I left the tape in your room.

I thought you’d watched it already.

Well, I was saving it for a pre-dinner treat.

[sighs] I can’t believe we moved here.

[distorted female voice] This will do you no more good than your bothersome prayers and your irksome holy water.

[dramatic TV music playing] Oh, all right, all right, all right!

[sighs] I’ll play your game.

I’ve been playing right along.

[sighs] It’s not even worth it.

[Bruiser barks] What should be my next move?

Marlena’s possession was all I had.

[Bruiser whines]

Hmm.

[phone rings] [gasps]

Elle Woods’ residence. You’ve reached Elle Woods.

[Madison distorted] Elle!

Madison?

[distorted] Elle, I just got a car phone.

What?

Madison? I can’t hear you.

I got a car phone!

Oh! That’s so cool.

[chuckles] I know, right?

Tiffany and Amber are here, too. [both] Hi, Elle.

We don’t have time for hellos. Sorry, Elle.

I only have two minutes on this thing before I start getting charged a gazillion dollars and my parents kill me.

[laughs softly] But the headline is… school was crazy today. So crazy.

[laughing]

That-that sounds really fun, you guys.

It was.

Jeff got a really unfortunate earring. Oh.

And Susie got even more unfortunate highlights, and I think that Chad and Becca are a thing even though they’re still pretending like they’re not.

No, it was literally, like, a hall of fame first day.

[Tiffany] That’s exactly what I was going to say.

Hall of fame. Yeah. Right?

Wow. [laughing]

Um… has Hot Josh asked about me?

Not so much in his words, but in his actions, absolutely. Mm-hmm.

[Madison] But enough about us. How was your first day?

Did you make any friends?

Does the school secretary count?

That’s a great jumping-off point. Mm-hmm.

I just…

I don’t feel like I really speak the same language as anyone here.

Well, have you tried learning their language?

What do you mean?

Get fluent in Seattle. Mm.

[laughs] I don’t know if that’s possible.

[phone beeps] Oh, I’m sorry, Elle. Two minutes are up.

We-we miss you. [both] We love you!

Well, I miss you guys.

[dial tone]

Bye.

Get fluent in Seattle.

[barks]

[gasps]

[♪ INXS sings “New Sensation”]

♪ Live, baby, live ♪

♪ now that the day is over ♪

♪ I got a new sensation ♪

♪ In perfect moments ♪

♪ that’s impossible to refuse ♪

♪ Sleep, baby, sleep ♪

♪ now that the night is over ♪

[sighs]

[murmuring]

♪ And the sun comes like a god ♪

Hey.

♪ into our room ♪ Hey, girl.

♪ All perfect light and promises ♪

♪ got a hold on you ♪

♪ A new sensation ♪♪

Elle, right?

Yes. Elle Woods.

And you are Kimberly. Mm.

From yesterday.

There’s a rumor going around that I feel like I should make you aware of.

Out of love.

Oh, my God, what is it?

Well, people are saying that you wearing that shirt is the second worst thing to ever happen to Nirvana.

Wait. I’m sorry. Did you replace the eyes with little hearts?

I leaned into its innate smiley-ness.

Did no one ever tell you that we don’t do posers here?

Seattle isn’t a costume, and pink isn’t a personality.

[laughter]

[somber music playing]

♪ ♪

[thunder rumbling]

[rain falling]

[sighs]

[squishing]

Mom?

Bruiser?

Anyone?

[sighs]

[beeps]

[autodialing]

[line ringing]

Hi! You’ve reached Madison LeDoux’s car. [sighs]

I’ve run out of minutes for this month, but leave a message and I’ll listen to it in 27 days.

[beeps]

[sighs]

[optimistic music playing]

Mom?

In here.

[clears throat]

What is this?

No one could be expected to succeed in that much gray.

Wait. [grunts]

You hate it?

No. W- I got the wrong shade? You wanted Spring Watermelon?

[sighs]

What?

I love it.

Does your face know you love it?

I do. That’s the problem.

I’m-I’m shallow.

What kind of person has the worst day of her life solved by… pink drapery?

A nice one.

What if I really am the vapid L.A. girl they all think I am?

Well, I don’t know if you should be putting so much stock in the opinions of people who wear leather jewelry.

You don’t understand.

They fight for things like social justice and hold student auctions and they write their own… zines.

What’s a zine?

Exactly.

You know who you are?

You’re a Gemini.

I bet they hate astrology, too. [cries]

That means you are funny and smart and adaptable.

And you find a way to make all types of friends.

You say they have depth? They care?

Well, so do you.

[sighs]

You’re right.

I do care.

You just have to show them that.

[gentle music playing]

[soft chatter]

Oh, hi, Donna. Hey.

Have you seen Dustin? Uh, yeah, he’s right over there.

[Elle] I want to see if he needs help with his auction.

Does this mean you’ve made a friend?

Way to fit in.

Sort of. All right.

Go get ’em, tiger. Thanks, Donna.

[Dustin] Okay then.

If, uh, pasta’s not your thing.

Yeah, but what about…

[grunts] this basketball?

Is there anything special about this basketball? It’s–

Oh, okay, it’s just a basketball.

It’s just a basketball, but it… it’s a nice basketball.

[student] This is embarrassing.

[giggling]

I guess I will just keep it for myself.

All right, what’s next? [Jacob] Uh, a-a vase from my mom.

A… vase from Jake’s mum.

Any starting bids?

[chuckling] Nah.

I have something I’d like to say.

[student] This should be good. This isn’t just any vase.

It is a… multiuse art piece.

[light chuckling] It can hold flowers.

It can serve as an organizer for your school supplies.

Or it can just look nice.

[both chuckle]

[quietly] What are you doing?

I am helping the support staff of this school, who are being vastly underpaid.

[English accent] Don’t you watch the news?

[normal voice] The first rule of fundraising is you have to be a salesperson.

Watch.

This vase is also an investment piece.

Let’s say Justin’s mom– Jacob.

Jacob’s mom blows up as an artist in the next few years.

Do you know how much money you could make off of this?

Potentially thousands of dollars.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [murmuring]

[Miles] Twenty bucks. [gasping]

[students exclaiming, murmuring]

We have 20 bucks. That’s a steal.

[student] Twenty-five.

[gasping, chuckling]

Ooh! Not bad!

But can anyone beat that?

Thirty. [gasping]

[applause]

Going once, going twice.

Sold to…

Miles.

Miles. [student] Yeah!

[laughing, applause]

I got it.

[Dustin] Okay, what’s next?

Here you go. Oh.

It’s, uh… it’s really something.

I have to come clean.

Jacob’s mom’s never going to make it in the art world.

I am so sorry.

Well, you could’ve convinced me.

Actually, you did convince me. That’s why I bought it.

[clears throat] Are we doing this? [gasps]

Yes.

Thanks again.

What’s next?

Ooh, a jersey.

A Ken Griffey Jr. jersey.

A Ken Griffey Jr. jersey.

[students exclaiming, chuckling]

Let’s start the bidding at 20.

How about 15?

Okay, look.

Who cares about Ken Griffey Jr.?

[protesting]

What-what I mean is, we all obviously care about Ken Griffey Jr.

[agreeing]

But who we care about more are the people who care about us.

The support staff of the school.

Like Donna.

[agreeing]

Donna’s let me eat lunch in her office every day since I’ve been here, even when she wasn’t supposed to.

You guys, she pays for some students’ lunches using petty cash.

Alison, she’s turned a blind eye to your tardies.

She knows it’s not your fault when your mom’s been late.

And that’s not even mentioning the permission slips she’s signed, the unexcused absences she doesn’t mark.

And I’ve only been at this school a couple days.

This is money going directly into Donna’s pocket.

And into the pocket of dozens of other Donnas at this school.

So I’ll ask you again.

Who wants this Ken Griffey Jr. jersey?

Twenty bucks.

[cheering] Yay!

[cheer captain] Thirty.

[gasping, cheering]

Thirty-five! [gasping]

Okay, Alison!

[quietly] Not bad. Yeah, well, looks like

I’m not as shallow as you thought.

I never said you were shallow.

Out loud.

Going once.

Going twice.

Sold to Alison!

[chuckles] [cheering]

[chuckling]

Donna. Donna. Donna.

[students] Donna! Donna!

Donna! Donna! Donna! Donna!

Donna! Donna! Donna!

Donna! Donna!

Donna! Donna! Donna!

Donna! Donna!

Donna! [indistinct chatter]

Oh. Donna!

Take care, girls. Bye, Donna.

[stammers]

[door closes]

Hey, 90210.

Get anyone fired lately?

What?

Oh, you didn’t hear?

Your little stunt yesterday got Donna fired.

Turns out, when you announce every single rule someone’s broken to the entire school, they get punished for it.

Who knew?

Oh, well, maybe except everyone.

[stammers] That’s n…

[sighs] I was just trying to help.

Oh, yeah?

How’d that go?

[♪ Radiohead plays “Creep”]

♪ But I’m a creep ♪

♪ I’m a weirdo ♪

♪ What the hell am I doing here? ♪♪

[sighs] Okay, I can do this.

[upbeat music playing]

Everything just feels backwards here.

This doesn’t seem sanitary.

Happy Monday, Pink Slip.

Oh, this isn’t a slip.

It’s more of an alpaca tweed.

I assume you’re mad at me, too.

I actually didn’t even notice you.

Which, I don’t know, is that worse?

[groaning]

[Eva] High school is hard for everyone, no matter where you live.

[Elle] Kimberly’s obviously relishing my fall from grace.

I think you’re overestimating how much people liked you before this.

[Eva] But you are going to win over this entire city before you know it.

[high-pitched ringing]

[cheering]

You could be concussed. I’m fine.

On the drive over here, you claimed your favorite color was charcoal.

I did not say that.

Just testing your short-term memory. You passed.

[Elle] I kind of like someone here who I really can’t like.

Is it unrequited?

[scoffs]

How could it be unrequited? You’re Elle Woods.

I’m sorry I said that.

[lively music playing]

[Donna] I don’t know why you won’t give that girl a chance.

[Elle] And maybe there are other sides to me.

Maybe I’m not the rule-abiding

Gemini I always thought.

When did detention get so uncool?

I have this petition.

It’s for the greater good.

Why won’t you fight this with me?

Because neither of us have a law degree.

[Elle] I have a Jackie O suit skirt

I have been dying to mobilize.

[Eva] God, I miss L.A.

At least there we could keep Elle safe from the criminal element.

She trick-or-treated at the Menendez house.

[cheering]

[Madison] I feel like I don’t even know you.

When you’re ready to be Elle Woods again, give me a call.

[gasps]

I think you got to ask yourself who you’d rather disappoint, your mom or yourself.

[Anderson] Officer, can we arrest her?

Absolutely not.

She’s in Chanel.

[cheering] ELLE!

That’s how we spell “victory”! [barks]

Yes.

♪ ♪

[♪ Radiohead plays “Creep”]

♪ But I’m a creep ♪

♪ I’m a weirdo ♪

♪ What the hell am I doing here? ♪

♪ I don’t belong here ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ She’s running out ♪

♪ the door ♪

♪ She’s running out ♪

♪ She run, run, run ♪

♪ run… ♪♪