Original air date: March 6, 2022
Teddy is forced to face his past when Linda encourages him to attend a farewell ceremony for the ship on which he served in the Navy.
* * *
Everything okay, Teddy? You keep looking at that letter and making that noise.
Mm. It’s an invitation from the navy.
What, the navy doesn’t have Evite?
Are you shipping out, sailor?
Are we talking new navy or old navy?
Uh, the frigate I served on is getting decommissioned.
They’re gonna scuttle the old girl.
Buy her dinner first, right?
I think I understood three of those words, Teddy.
Oh, sorry. A frigate’s a ship, and scuttling is sinking it on purpose.
Wait, why are they sinking it on purpose?
Is it because if they can’t have it, no one else can?
It’s getting decommissioned.
Once a navy ship gets too old to be useful, a lot of times, they’ll torpedo it.
And then it sinks to the bottom of the ocean and becomes an artificial reef for fish and sea monsters, I assume.
Gene, don’t say “frigate.”
It’s not a bad word.
I want to hear more about the torpedoing part.
Where are they doing it? When are they doing it?
Can we buy tickets to watch?
And can I be the one to push the button?
And if I’m the one pushing the button, do I really need to buy a ticket?
Yeah, it’s happening next week out at sea.
No one’s invited to that.
But, uh, those of us who served on the maiden voyage are invited to a ceremony tomorrow.
It’s in Bog Harbor because they built part of the ship there.
The toilets, I think.
That’s fun. That’s exciting.
So why are you being all mopey about it?
Well, I’m probably not gonna go.
What? You have to go. It’s a ceremony.
Ah, I don’t know. I’m just not sure I want to run into any of my old shipmates.
Why not? Don’t you want to reminisce about the good ol’ days?
Put on your little sailor suits and dance around the town?
I mean, I loved being in the navy, but, uh, it wasn’t all great.
There was this one incident.
Wha…? What happened?
Just a silly little mistake.
Did you launch the nukes accidentally on purpose, wink-wink?
Did you fall in love with a mermaid, and then she became human for you, then she missed the ocean, and she returned to the sea, and you never got over it?
No, not that.
Teddy, just tell us the story!
(groans) All right, fine.
We were in the middle of a deployment in the middle of the Pacific, and it was the middle of the night.
LOUISE: Lot of middles, Malcolm.
TEDDY: I was scrubbing the deck when an officer came by.
You always have to salute an officer, so I did.
But he was a ghost.
No, he was really there.
But what wasn’t there was a railing, so I kind of fell into the ocean.
Which happens sometimes but almost never.
They rang the bell and stopped the ship and fished me out.
And everyone woke up and saw it. It was not great.
So, hey, you fell off your ship one time and had to get rescued. Big deal.
Yeah. I-I fell off a second time, on the same night.
Yeah, I was showing some guys how easy it is to fall in.
And then I fell in again.
I mean, that’s not that bad.
It was bad. I got a nickname.
Admiral Belly Flop?
Double-Dip? Oh, that’s good.
For the rest of the deployment, everyone called me Double-Dip.
Then that’s all I was to everybody.
So that’s why I don’t want to go to the farewell ceremony tomorrow.
No, you got to go.
Lin, it doesn’t sound like Teddy wants to go.
He needs to go.
Yes. Otherwise, they win.
But if you go, you win.
You’ll show them you don’t care about some dumb nickname.
But I kind of do care about it.
It comes up quite a bit in therapy.
That and my thing about shopping carts.
Look, something similar happened to me when I was in high school.
You fell off a high school frigate?
No. I was over at Debbie Bernardini’s house for a sleepover with a group of girls who I thought were my friends.
We were watching a scary movie that was very popular at the time. I forget what it was called.
There was a guy, he was killing people.
You know the one. Anyway, (gasps) so, someone got killed, and we all screamed, and I farted.
But it turns out it was more than just a fart.
A little bit of poop came out, too.
It was pretty obvious when the smell didn’t go away.
And I also went into the bathroom, and I might have kind of shouted, “Oh, no, a little bit of poop came out! There’s poop! There’s poop!”
And they called me Death by Chocolate.
And they laughed a lot.
And I didn’t go to another sleepover for the rest of high school.
You are pretty vocal in the bathroom about what’s going on.
Yeah, a lot of commentary.
She’s like Ken Burns in there.
It helps to talk it through. Anyway, I let them win.
Teddy, that’s why you got to go to your thing, so you win.
That’s a touching story, Linda, but I don’t know if I can face those guys.
We’ll come with you.
No. No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
As emotional support. And muscle if you need it.
But not going is also a reasonable option.
I mean, if you guys came with me, I’d feel a lot better about going.
And they’re gonna have a bunch of music and food.
It says “Bring the whole family.”
It doesn’t say whose family.
Please, please, please? I want to get a picture of me with a torpedo for my own personal Christmas card.
I hear you’re supposed to do fun activities with your kids.
Come on, Bob.
GENE: Do we look okay, Teddy?
Are we under-tattooed?
Should we go on shore leave and cause a ruckus with some locals?
Come back with a shiner?
And cans of spinach that you somehow suck through the can?
Oh, boy, here we go.
Sheesh, I can’t believe it’s been 30 years.
You and the ship look amazing.
One of you has barnacles on them, but I’m not gonna say who ’cause I’m a gentleman sailor.
Come on, let’s go touch stuff we’re not supposed to.
Uh, okay, but don’t do that.
Uh, I’m so nervous. My ears are sweating.
No, they’re no… Oh, my God, they are.
I thought it was an earring.
Remember, just by showing up today, you win, and they lose.
TONY: (chuckles) Hey.
Check it out. It’s Double-Dip.
(chuckles) Double-Dip is here. No way.
How’d you get here? Did you swim over? (laughs)
Okay, they win, I lose. Let’s go.
Come on, Teddy. Just stay for a little bit.
An hour tops. Six drinks.
Just kidding. Sort of. There’s drinks, right?
Good. Hey, you can do this.
We’ll be here for you. Right next to you.
Or-or behind you.
It just kind of depends on how everyone’s standing.
Okay, fine. An hour.
And maybe you guys hold my hands the whole time?
No? Probably not?
RAUL: Get over here.
And try not to fall in.
I don’t like it. I don’t like it.
I don’t like it.
It’s gonna be great.
Come on, let’s do this ship.
Hey, Tony, Raul, Billy. Good to see you all.
Double-Dip, you came. Wow.
Of course he came. He’s a navy man showing off his old ship to his not-navy friends.
We’re his biggest fans. We’re like his groupies.
It’s great to see you, DD. That’s short for Double-D, which is short for Double-Dip.
‘Cause he fell in the ocean twice.
(laughs) Yeah, I forgot all about that Double-Dip stuff.
So glad you brought it up.
I got to go over there now and see what that stuff is over on that thing. The table?
What is it, food? (laughs)
Okay, see you later.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Has it been an hour yet?
I think it’s been, like, ten minutes?
If we round up from one minute.
Come on, you’re doing great.
You’re sticking it to those navy ninnies.
Do you know how much I wish I could go to a boat party with the Debbie Bernardini crew right now and say, “Look at me. No chocolate on this dress”?
God, I’d kill for that. Oh, actually, that is chocolate.
Where’d you get chocolate?
I don’t know.
LOUISE: Well, terrible news. Turns out all the weapons were taken off this ship weeks ago.
Apparently, it’s “not safe” to scuttle a ship with missiles on board. This is why I don’t pay taxes.
We did see a knot-tying workshop for the sailors’ kids. Eh?
I mean, why “knot”? (chuckles)
I could finally learn how to tie these bad boys.
Mom tied them a year ago, and now I just try not to have to take them off.
Pass. I know all the knots I need to know from Tina’s Thundergirl handbook.
Oh, yeah. I was supposed to learn those, but I did “knot.”
Seriously, though, I didn’t get my knot-tying badge because I made too many knot jokes.
I’m funny at Thundergirls.
BOB: I-I would do knots.
I-I’ve always wanted to be a knots guy.
I mean, it’s for kids, but I’m sure it isn’t weird if a grown man is also learning.
You can pretend to be our dad.
All right, everyone got their rope?
If that’s what this is.
Schmitty, is that you?
Oh. No, I’m-I’m not, uh, Schmitty.
You are the spitting image.
Raul, look at this guy over here.
Doesn’t he look like Schmitty?
Huh. Now that you mention it, yeah, he’s the spitting image.
TINA: Huh, he does look like Schmitty.
Wait, who’s Schmitty?
I mean, I knew he wasn’t coming today.
He’s in Florida doing that deep-sea salvage stuff.
Sunken treasure. That’s the life, huh? Schmitty.
“Sunken treasure” is what I call Dad’s butt.
All right, we’re gonna start off with a simple but important knot: the bowline.
Make a loop. Tag end goes through.
Under and over. Back through.
Bowline. Let’s see how you all did.
Good. Nice. Eh, boy, you really aren’t Schmitty.
Sorry, can-can you show me one more time?
You-you went really fast.
“Knot” too fast for me.
Actually, it was a little fast.
Okay. Make a loop, pass it through, under and over and back through and…
Still too fast?
Still too fast.
Okay. Here’s how we teach the little kids.
The rabbit comes up from his hole, runs around the tree and then goes back into his hole.
Your rabbit didn’t make it back into its hole.
Wait, where is your rabbit?
Dad, what did you do to your rabbit?!
Okay, enough food, Teddy.
Let’s hit the bar, get some alcohol inside of you.
Eh, but Tony and the guys are at the bar.
Teddy, it’s a free country.
And free drinks. Come on.
Have you considered challenging them to a navy duel, which I assume involves water guns?
TEDDY: Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
(laughs loudly) Teddy, you’re so witty, and you know so much about ships and life, and you just don’t care what people think about you.
(laughs) Oh, you guys again. Hi.
Hey, I just came back from the supply room and picked up my memento.
What’d you get?
I got a pad eye.
TONY: Me, too. Picked it up when I first got here.
What’s a pad eye?
It’s like a cleat.
What’s a cleat?
It’s a thing you secure a rope to.
Rope! I know rope.
So, wait, we can just take stuff from the ship?
Dibs on that huge cannon.
TEDDY: No, Louise.
Only sailors from the maiden voyage can take something off the ship before they sink it.
What are you getting, Teddy?
What? Why nothing?
‘Cause I didn’t put in a request for anything.
They should give a life vest to Double-Dip.
Ha! Good one, Billy. That was a good one.
(laughs) Yeah. I’m not upset.
Beers for my friends and, uh, have you ever heard of a Twisted Monkey?
I have not.
It’s a ginger ale and ice, twisted.
And then you make a noise like a monkey when you give it to me.
I don’t know if I want to do that.
Okay, I’ll make the noise like a monkey.
Wait, Teddy, I don’t get it.
Why didn’t you ask for part of the ship?
I didn’t think I was gonna come.
Plus, what was I gonna write on the letter?
“Hi, I’m the guy who fell off the ship twice.
Can I please have something”?
They probably would’ve stamped it with “Request denied, idiot.”
Thank you. (imitates monkey)
Not so hard, is it?
Well, is there a part of the ship that you would want?
I mean, I wouldn’t say no to a pad eye.
Who would? It’s a pad eye. It’s like a cleat.
Well, then, let’s get you a pad eye.
We can’t. The request had to be in months ago.
There’s got to be a way.
Nah, forget it.
I don’t even deserve part of the ship. (sighs)
Teddy, uh, Louise and I are gonna… go pee!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ll be right back.
Listen, it’s not right that Teddy doesn’t get anything from this ship while Tony gets to take a pad eye with him even though he was a total poop deck to Teddy the whole time.
They never said the sea was fair.
I say we find a way to get Teddy something.
Something better than a pad eye. That’s how he’ll win.
Yeah, that kind of makes sense in a dumb, beautiful way.
So, are you in for operation “Go Get a Part of the Ship from That Supply Room Place for Teddy”?
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Thought there was gonna be a little more energy there, but great.
And after that, we find the frickin’ torpedoes.
There’s the energy.
But probably not with the torpedo thing.
So, what’s the plan? We’re just gonna ask for a piece of the ship for Teddy?
We’ll ask nicely.
And we’ll say, “Please make it slightly better than a pad eye.”
Nope. Can’t do that.
Okay, good start. Good start.
And that is how you tie the sheet bend knot.
Can’t wait till someone asks me how to do a sheet bend.
Still working on the bowline?
Almost got it.
There! I did it! Damn it.
I bet Schmitty can tie a bowline.
Schmitty can tie any knot.
He even invented his own knot: the Schmitty Liddy.
Best knot in the world for securing lids.
Why, oh, why would God bless you with Schmitty’s face but curse you with those hands?
I don’t know.
Okay, everybody done with the sheet bend?
Hold them up. Looking good. I’ll… check in with your bowline in a bit.
Maybe a little time apart will do us both some good.
I’m gonna get it.
You, uh, you kids want to learn hitch knots?
LINDA: There’s got to be a piece of this ship you can give our friend that no one’s claimed.
He’s really nice.
A little sad but nice. He’s not too sad.
Look, next time your friend wants a souvenir from an $80 million piece of U.S. military property that requires prior approval, he might want to plan ahead.
It just seems like there are so many parts still on the ship, and it’s getting sunk next week, and…
Scuttled. (scoffs) Sorry about my mom.
It’s okay. I have one, too.
Listen, we come from land, and we can get you any land thing you want.
I could be back here in 20 minutes with magazines, potato chips, houseplants, water that’s not salty.
Please don’t try and bribe me with potato chips and houseplants. It’s very insulting.
I’ve been off a ship once. I know about that stuff.
LINDA: But… I’m gonna start ignoring you two.
Please go somewhere not here now.
I think we’re getting close.
Ugh! Stupid rope.
It’s not the rope’s fault. Have you ever been checked for whatever it is you seem to have?
I guess maybe I just don’t get knots.
But you’re good at lots of other stuff, Dad.
Like making burgers. Uh…
Gene, you want to jump in here?
Folding towels. I was just about to say that.
Actually, I’m not that good at folding towels.
(whispers) He’s not.
Well, that was a bust.
He deserves something from this ship.
Hey, if you want to do another look-see down below for a torpedo they might’ve forgotten about,
I’m with you.
Ugh, I hate when bullies win.
These guys and the Debbie Bernardinis and the Biffs and whoever the bad guy in Superman was.
I hate it!
What are you doing?
I’m just noticing how this bell…
(grunts) …seems to want to be off this ship.
(grunts) And if it just falls off, then it’s not like we took it at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s like a loose tooth.
It wants to come out.
Mama, you make me so proud.
Hi, sailors. How you doing?
Oceans, huh? So much water.
All right, come on, come on. Let’s give this to Teddy and get out of here.
Where have you been? I stress-ate all the crab cakes, and now I’m starting in on the cocktail weenies, and everyone keeps giving me the evil eye.
Can we go now, please?
Yes, we can leave now, but you’re gonna leave a winner.
Why do you have that?
We got it for you.
A little souvenir. Better than a pad eye.
I mean, it’s bigger. Jingly-er.
He’s speechless. A simple “thank you” is fine.
Why would you think I’d want this bell?
This is the deck bell.
It’s the bell they rang when I fell overboard.
I hear this bell in my nightmares.
Well, now you can hear it when you’re awake. Right?
Also, you can’t steal something off a navy ship.
You can get in big trouble.
We got to put it back before anyone notices.
Or we just toss it overboard? A little mini scuttle?
No. We got to put it back on the wall.
They’re gonna ring it at the end of the ceremony.
It says it in the program.
Okay, okay. We’ll do it. Calm down.
We’ll put it back real quick and pretend this never happened, and we get out of here before they, uh, dust it for fingerprints. Right?
You didn’t wipe yours off? It was the first thing I did.
Ladies, gentlemen, sailors, the ceremony’s about to start shortly, so please begin to take your seats.
If you have to hit the head, now’s the time.
“The head” is what the navy calls the bathroom.
Isn’t that fun?
Well, now everyone’s going to the bathroom right next to where the bell was.
Yeah, that’s not helpful.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We got to do something.
Teddy, it’s gonna be okay.
Uh, time for operation “Put the Bell We Got for Teddy Back on the Wall.”
Damn it, I hate this situation, but I love that name.
All right, Mom. How are we gonna unring this bell?
We’re just gonna, uh, wait here till that bathroom line goes down, then we’ll put it back.
OFFICER: Will the sailors from the maiden voyage and their guests please fill in the front row.
Double-Dip, come on!
Uh, I’ll be right there!
Eh, we got to go sit down.
Okay, okay. Uh, we’ll go sit down.
And then we’ll sneak away in a minute. Act natural.
(bell clangs quietly)
Maybe walk less clang-y?
Uh, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
And maybe don’t shout “Oh, God” quite so loud?
(whispers) Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God.
Uh, I’m gonna need that rope back.
I really want to get to the ceremony.
Can I borrow it for a little longer?
You really want to tie that bowline, huh?
Yes, I really do.
I like that dedication, sailor.
You can use the rope a little longer.
Don’t worry, Dad, you’ll get it.
(whispers) I’m starting to get really worried about Dad.
(whispers) Yeah, is something wrong with him?
Um, I can hear you guys.
I-I’m fine. I-I think.
Uh, yeah, of course you’re fine.
(whispers) He’s not fine.
A little announcement before we begin.
I’ve been told that more crab cakes are being microwaved, so those of you who haven’t got any yet,
just hang tight.
I’m sorry. No one said anything about a limit.
we give the USS Gertrude Stein the send-off she deserves.
The chaplain will read a few words, and then the deck bell will ring one final time.
But first, we’re gonna kick things off with everyone’s favorite navy rock and roll trumpet band.
Take it away, Brass Kissers!
(whispering) Okay, it looks like the bathroom line has thinned out. I think now’s our chance.
(whispering) We fly in fast and low.
Stay under their radar. Get in, get out.
(whispering) I don’t know how I’m gonna reattach the bell without any tools.
You’re overthinking it. You’re overthinking it.
(whispering) Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Nothing. Enjoy the music.
I’m trying to, but there’s a lot of whispering.
Shush, shush, shush. Play with your rope.
Teddy, Louise and I all have to go to the bathroom at the same time. Come on.
I want to go to the bathroom.
No. You stay.
I didn’t actually have to go. It just sounds fun.
(whispering) I kind of have to go.
Hey. You went to the bathroom. That’s cool.
Teddy, you get the bell back on the wall, and Louise and I will make sure nobody comes this way.
Oh, it’s you guys. Um, excuse me? I need to get by.
What’s the rush? Enjoy the view.
Okay, I need to hit the head, so move?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, but, like, you could hold it if you wanted to, right?
I assume the military trained you to hold it during a combat mission.
Actually, we’re trained to just let ‘er rip.
Clean things up later.
Now, please, move it.
Eh, you’re not done yet.
MAN: Am, too.
All right, what the heck’s going on?
And what the heck is he doing?
You’re stealing the deck bell?!
Okay, maybe I wasn’t done, done, but still, not cool.
I swear I wasn’t stealing the bell.
He was. I caught him.
Will someone please explain to me what’s going on here?
I need to know if I’m filling out a report or not.
Teddy didn’t take the bell. I did.
Oh, that’s why I wasn’t part of the pee-pee club.
(sighs) I dodged a bullet. But I still have to go.
Teddy was just putting it back.
I had nothing to do with this.
I’m just a little girl.
I knew I shouldn’t have come today.
But it was all, if I don’t go, Tony and those jerks win.
Wait, what do you mean, “jerks”?
You guys never stopped teasing me after I fell off the ship.
Then you came up with Double-Dip.
I mean, because you fell off. Twice.
Oh, then that is a solid nickname.
(chuckles) What, we’re not supposed to tease you?
It’s what sailors do. It’s what friends do.
You think we’re friends?
Sure, we are. But, Teddy, you stand here, and you tell us how you fell off the ship, and then you fall off the ship.
I mean, how does that even happ… (screams)
Oh, my God! Should you jingle the clingy clangy?
The-the jingle bellies? Jingle the thingy.
Little more slack over here, Billy! Let it out!
Tony, keep that strap above your chest!
Otherwise, your nipples are liable to chafe!
Trust me on that one!
Raul, how’re we doing with your line?
My hands are greasy from the hors d’oeuvres.
I can’t get a grip. Schmitty lookalike, tie this off for me, will you?
Oh, um, I-I-I don’t… I don’t know…
Come on, Dad. You can do it.
We believe in you.
Stick the knots landing.
TEDDY: It’s okay, Bob.
I’ll come over.
No, I can… I can do this.
The rabbit comes up from his hole, runs around the tree, then goes back into his hole and…
(gasps) I did it!
I did it! Knot teacher guy, look! I did it!
Well, I’ll be.
I totally get the tree part now.
He can do the easiest knot.
And the rabbit. Take that, Schmitty.
Geez, I guess I was wrong.
It is, uh, kind of easy to fall off this ship.
So, you guys teased me because we were friends?
What? Of course. We served together.
We’re bonded for life.
I mean, we were all kids then, Teddy.
And you were a little older. We-we looked up to you.
And I was scared out of my mind about serving, but then you showed me you could make a mistake and still be a great sailor.
Gave me a lot of confidence.
Wow. I had no idea.
SAILOR: Hey, Double-Dip.
I got something for you.
The bell? Really?
It’ll remind you of the good old days and also today
when you fished out Mr. Slips Ahoy.
Mr. Slips Ahoy over here.
That’s pretty good.
Let’s just pretend you sent a request letter and it has all the right signatures on it.
But maybe put it down your pants till you get off the ship, please.
Can I hide it in my jacket?
Yeah, pants is better. Put it in your pants.
Okay, I’ll try. Thank you.
Aw, Teddy got the bell.
All because of me.
Thank you for your service, Mom.
If I fall off the ship, do you think that lady will give me a torpedo?
Hey, maybe you should reach out to your old friends, too, Mom.
And then you can make up and wear matching jackets.
I would, sweetie, but I TP’d Debbie Bernardini’s house after they started calling me Death by Chocolate.
And I peed on her bike. But I shouldn’t have.
Kids, do the Teddy thing, not the Mama thing.
Oh, and I called them at 2:00 in the morning every night for a year and pretended I was a killer.
LINDA: That’s what friends do?
♪ Double-Dip, Double-Dip ♪
♪ One false step, and I fell right off the ship ♪
♪ Double-Dip, Double-Dip ♪
♪ Turns out it’s pretty easy to make a second trip ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Look who went and soaked their drawers ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Got rescued, but my nipples chafed ♪
♪ Double-Dip, that’s right, Double-Dip ♪
♪ No one else to blame ♪
♪ Double, Double-Dip ♪
♪ Took me two falls in to get that name ♪
♪ Double-Dip, that’s me, Double-Dip ♪
♪ When you’re in trouble, on the double ♪
♪ Call the Double-Dip. ♪