Bob’s Burgers – S11E20 – Steal Magazine-olias [Transcript]

The Belcher kids get into a cat-and-mouse game with Dr. Yap when he catches them stealing something in the waiting room of his office; Bob, Linda and Teddy try to clean bird poop off the restaurant window.
Bob's Burgers - S11E20 - Steal Magazine-olias

Original air date: May 9, 2021

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And I said, “Excuse me, I know this one says ‘buy one, get one half off,’ but can I just get the half-off one?”

(laughs) The shop guy hated that joke.

(chuckles) What else is going on with old Linda?

Oh, we’re giving the kids a later bedtime.

Bob and I were on the fence about it, but they did such a convincing PowerPoint–

so many pie graphs–

and they promised to be little angels, so we figured, “Okay, what’s the worst that could happen, right?”

They wake up groggy? So they drink a little coffee.

Kids in France drink coffee, right?

And they know how to speak French, so, you know.

Uh-huh. Can I start cleaning your teeth now?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Just so much to catch up on when you only see the dentist, you know, as often as we come to you.

Yeah, it should be way more often.

Right, right.

I’ll just open my mouth now. Ah…

Okay, maybe don’t make that noise.

First Yap cleans my teeth, now I’m cleaning your clock, Gene.

Ha-ha. And another box.

It appears it is now my turn, so I shall hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Am I crazy or is that, like, the dreamiest fox scientist ever?

The first thing you said. Okay, they’re all filled in.

Let’s tally these babies up.

Is it bad to be attracted to a cartoon fox that you don’t even know that well?

Hold on. No way.

Gene won?

Wait, what? I did?

I-I’m gonna count again. Everybody shush!

(door opens)

LINDA: Guess who said your mommy’s teeth had slightly less plaque than usual?

Was it Dr. Yap? ‘Cause he’s our dentist?

I can’t believe it. Gene won.

And I lost, to Gene, who won.

It sounds weird when I say it out loud.

First, only three cavities, and now this?

Could today get any better?

Wow, Geney, that’s so great with whatever that is.

What is that?

Dots and Boxes, Mother.

Your baby boy’s a Dots and Boxes winner.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it easy.

Okay, just gonna see if our insurance is still good here– fingers crossed. Ha!

Ha-ha, that’s fun.

(inhales, exhales)

How you liking the new plug-in air freshener I got?

It’s called “Laundry and Spice,” hmm?

It’s strong.

Good waiting room vibe, right?

Sweet smell, sweet magazine spread.

Eh, sweet ‘zines.

Someday we’ll get music.

Dr. McAllister has music in her waiting room.

I know, and animals. But you don’t work there anymore.

You work here, and it’s more fun, right?

Mm-hmm. I don’t miss it at all.

Dr. Yap, do you give an extra toy to people who beat their sister in magazine games? Hmm?

I mean, I could give you more floss.

And then maybe you’d floss?

Nah, it’s not really for me.

Gene, how about we stop hogging the magazine, huh, buddy?


Hey, you.

Please don’t stroke the magazines.

Yep. Yep.

I didn’t kiss it, either, when no one was looking.

Okay, let’s go eat a bunch of taffy.

(chuckles) Just kidding. Let’s get out of here, though.

(door bells jingle)

Hey, Teddy. We’re-we’re not open yet.

That’s okay. I like to watch the prep stuff.

It’s like being backstage at a Broadway play before the show.

Plus, I want to make sure I got my seat.

Well, you always do.

LINDA: Honk, honk!

Clean teeth alert, coming through.

Oh, hey, Teddy.

LOUISE: Teddy.

GENE/TINA: Hey, Teddy.

Hey, Linda, kids.

I got my seat.

Yeah, you did.

How was the dentist?

Great. I swallowed a lot of that fluoride stuff.

But it’s good for you, right?

It tastes nice, so it must be good.


TINA: I fell in love.

I mean, uh, never mind. I-It wasn’t a fox scientist.

I won a game in a magazine, and the world smiled.

Okay, okay, it was one Dots and Boxes game.

And I don’t even know if it was regulation.

I mean, the dot layout was a little dottier than usual.

Hey, so, no judgment, but what’s going on with the bird poop on the window?

Whoa! Giant bird poop.


Oh, my God.

Ugh, and judging by the looks of it, that bird was not well.

Why would a bird do that to us?

Did we tick off a seagull or something?

I mean, Mom, you yell all kinds of crazy stuff at seagulls.

That’s true.

Well, it’s not the first time someone has used this restaurant just for the bathroom.

Maybe that’s just how seagulls do graffiti and that seagull is basically Banksy?

Bob, you might want to get that off before you get people coming in here for lunch.

Uh, yeah, I-I know, Teddy.

Folks seeing a giant poop smear right before they enter your restaurant?

That’s not good. (chuckles, sighs)

Yeah, I very much want to clean it off.

Wait, you’re using that?

Uh, yeah?

Are you nuts? There’s a very specific way you got to get bird poop off.

You can’t just wipe it with a rag, Bob.

Yeah, Dad. God!

I’m pretty sure it’s fine, Teddy.

(strains) I can’t reach it.

Sure you can, Dad. You just have to believe.

Oh, maybe you can tie a rope around my waist and lower me down from the roof, like a Mission: Impossible.

I’ve always wanted to do that.

Oh, hey. I know a guy who’s got a pressure washer.

He owes me for when I lent him my ratchet set.

His wife took his set in the divorce.

Thankfully I got custody of mine.

Teddy, no, please. I-It’s fine.

I-I will take care of it.

No, no, no. I’ll be quick.

Don’t touch it while I’m gone. You’ll make a big mess.

I mean, you’re all great. Just don’t touch it.

Ooh– Excuse me. Don’t take my seat!

O-kay. Hello.

Dr. Yap. Am I seeing double?

Wait, no, you know what I mean. Twice in one day.

What’s the haps, Yap?

Hi, Dr. Yap.

What you doing, you eating?

We’re not quite open for lunch yet.

And pardon our bird poop.

I-I don’t know if we need to mention that, Lin.

Oh, I don’t mind waiting. And I’ll just look away from the giant poop.

Uh, I’m gonna go get our step ladder and see if I can reach it.

And I’ll be a hero. Y-You’ll all see.

Hey, guess what? A crazy thing happened to me this morning.

Oh, yeah? Somebody bite you? Was it me?

Nope. Someone stole a magazine from my office waiting area.

Can you believe it?

Oh, no.

That’s terrible.

Who would do such a thing?

I’ve never stolen a magazine from an office.

Unless I find a recipe I like. Or a perfume sample.

Or just for the rush of it.

Wow. Sorry, Dr. Yap. Did you call the police?

Or the FBI?

Not yet. Pretty nuts, right?

I mean, I purposely subscribe under the name “Dr. Don’t Take This Magazine” so it says it right there on the address label for everyone to see.

And you think that’d be enough.

Yep. Bap, bap, bap, bap…

Well, I hope whoever did that to you gets stung by a bee right on their butt, in the crack.

Now how about some nice water?

I will get the water.

I mean, I-I’m getting it already.

See? Water.

That water is stale.

I’ll get some fresh water, from the kitchen sink.

Sisters? Will you help me fetch the water?

Eh, seems like a one-Gene job.

Yeah, you’re gonna do great.

Help me fetch the water!

Okay, okay. Geez.

Gene, what’s your deal?

Yeah, I know you have some spill issues when it comes to water transportation, but you got to face those head-on.

Guys, I stole the magazine.


Sexy fox scientist.

I mean, uh, oh, man.

Gene. Gene, Gene, Gene, Gene.

Wow, Gene. I got to say, I’m impressed.

Never in a million years would I pin you for a dental office magazine stealer.

I didn’t mean to steal it. It just happened.

All of a sudden the magazine was down my shorts next to my bum-bum.

But why’d you do it?

Are you trying to get into a gang?

No, nothing like that.

I just– the Dots and Boxes game I won.

I wanted to keep it.

Ugh. One game.

I ate a weird breakfast this morning. I was off.

Plus, there’s, uh, a really fascinating article about bubbles that I wanted to read.

Oh, I skimmed that. “Bubbles, What’s Poppin’?”

Some interesting stuff in there.

Just please help me.

Well, the good news is you weren’t acting weird out there at all.

Oh, good.

I think all we have to do is play it cool and keep our mouths shut.

Yap’s got nothing on you, so we just have to wait him out.

Oh, cool, we have to not tell the truth to an adult.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

All right, Gene, better get that glass of fresh kitchen water that you were raving about ready for Yap.

Now give me the magazine.

We got to hide this.

I’ll hide it.

But let me just check something real quick.

Hello, there. You’re looking well.

LOUISE: Give me that.

You can have your freaky fox thoughts later.

(sighs) I forgot you guys broke our step ladder playing that game “jump on the step ladder.”

Oh, I love that game. The kids get some exercise…

Bob, are you sure we shouldn’t wait for Teddy to come back with the pressure cooker thingy?

Pressure washer? Uh, yes, I’m sure.

I’m already, ugh, halfway done.

Oh, no. That’s not good. It’s smearing everywhere.


Oh, my God.

It’s so, so, so much worse now.

Maybe we try to use it to frost the window?

Like stores do at Christmastime? But we do it now?

Eh. Boy, I wouldn’t want to be you when Teddy gets back.


Whatever you’re doing isn’t working!

And here is that wonderful kitchen water I was telling you about.

This is how we always carry glasses.

Yep, yep.


Dr. Yap, you’re not gonna actually wait until we open, are you?

And then what are you gonna do, eat here?

Do you really want to put yourself through that?

I do. I cleared my schedule.

Nothing on the books for the rest of the day.

So I’ve got all the time in the world.

What if there’s a dental emergency?

They’re all dental emergencies!


Look, I know you kids took my magazine.

Ho, ho, ho, hold on there.

You’re accusing us sweet little children of stealing?

On what grounds, sir?

I know it was you kids. And I know it because every time someone leaves my office, I go and re-fan my magazines because I’m way better at it than my receptionist Dorothy.

And when I did that today, which was right after you kids left, my Now That’s Cool magazine was gone.

I am so sick and tired of patients stealing my magazines, messing with the vibe in my waiting room.

I mean, what if I came in and stole all your n-napkins?

Doesn’t feel good, does it?

I mean, they’re there for people to take.

Here. I insist.

Okay, bad example.

Just hand the magazine over into this hand right now.

High five. Sorry. Reflex.

Down low. Sorry, sorry.

You’re yapping up the wrong tree, Yap.

We don’t know anything about whatever it is you were talking about.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have child labor to do.

Okay, well, that’s that, then.

Uh, yeah. I guess our words finally went into your face.

You know, it’d sure be a shame if somebody told your parents about all this and you got your special later bedtime taken away.

How’d you know about that?

A little bird told me. Your mom. Your mom was the bird.

Well, doesn’t matter, ’cause nobody took anything.

Now, we all need to go mop the kitchen floor.

Together, at the same time. Tina, Gene?

Okay, new plan. Gene, I’m sorry, but you’re giving it back.

What? No.

Louise is right. Things just got real.

We’ve worked too hard for our later bedtime.

It’s the part of the night where I’m pretty sure they say swears on TV, even in commercials.

Okay, okay. What about this?

We tell Yap that he won a big dentist award but he has to go pick it up in Canada, and then he goes to Canada, falls in love with the place and stays there?

It won’t work.

Dr. Yap’s a huge Fourth of July fan.

He talks about sparklers a lot.

(sighs) Fine. I’ll give it back.

Wait, wait, wait.

How do we know Yap’s not gonna tell Mom and Dad anyway?

He’s out of his mind.

-We got to be smart about this.

LINDA: Oh, boy.

How you doing? You all right in here?

I just got to refill this bucket.

That bird poop is no joke.

Hey, is that your car out front?

Oh, you mean the cool one?

Yeah. Well, you should probably move it down the street a little or you’re gonna get a ticket.

Also, it looks like your window’s kind of down.

I’m not saying that we live in a bad neighborhood, but hey, I would break into that.

Oh, yeah, the window’s tricky.

It won’t roll up. And there’s only one mechanic in town who works on this kind of Porsche.

Wait, what kind of Porsche is that?

A Mazda. Okay!

I’m moving my car down the street, but I’ll be right back!

Okay! Talking loud is fun.

That’s it. Yap’s car.

Steal Yap’s car so that stealing the magazine won’t seem like a big deal?


All we got to do is slip Yap’s magazine back into his car through the window, we never cop to taking it, our record stays clean, bing, bang, boom– we’re home free, living it up as children of the night.

But Mom and Dad are out there de-pooping the window.

What if they see us?

They won’t.

Why not?

‘Cause we’re gonna be stealthy.

Is that like being sneaky and healthy?

Yes. Gene?

You ready for this?

(sighs) I guess.

Okay, Operation Put Dr. Yap’s Magazine Back Into His Car So We Can Keep Our Later Bedtime is a go!

Aah! Sorry, I’m nervous.

It’s okay. Just a little grease got on it.

And dirt. And… blood? Oh, it’s probably ketchup.

Okay, I reparked my car and I’m back.

And now I’m even more annoyed because I tripped on the sidewalk in front of a bunch of cool kids.

Okay, Yap’s back. Time to hit it.

Come on, let’s head out through the alley.

You guys, I have a concern about Operation Put Dr. Yap’s Magazine Back Into His Car So We Can Keep Our Later Bedtime.

Is it about the name? I had the same thought.

No, it’s just– what if Yap gets suspicious and comes and looks for us? Or worse, goes back outside and sees us?

Good point. Tina, you should distract him.

What? Why me?

Because I’m gonna be doing the magazine sneaking with my nimble little hands, and Gene can’t talk to Yap.

He’s a bundle of nerves and diarrhea.

Not in that order.

But what do I even talk about?

I don’t know.

Just be your usual charming, never socially awkward self.


There she is.

Ugh. It doesn’t come off.

It just smears around more!

Birds are evil.

I’ve lost all respect for them.

LOUISE: Get ready, Gene.

Just got to wait for the right moment.

Hey, Dr. Yap.


I, uh, uh…


Aah! What happened, Bob?

I said I’ll be right back!

I told him to wait. He just went ahead and did stuff.

Linda! I-I-I didn’t realize that bird poop was unlike any other substance on earth, okay?


TEDDY: What the hell were you thinking, Bob?

Just stop yelling, hook up your thing and spray it off, please!

That’s what I’m trying to do!


I’m only yelling because I love you, I love this window.

These are tough love yells!

Why didn’t you listen to me?! (exclaims)

LINDA: Both of you, calm down. We can’t let the bird win.

Sorry. I just… (groans)

It’s hard to see Bob screw stuff up so bad.

Okay, that’s hurtful.

All right, I’m gonna attach the hose.

Bob, step away from the window, please?

Honey, step away.



Are you gonna just… keep making that noise?

Uh… No, I was just thinking.

Um, why are they called “teeth”?

Shouldn’t they be “tooths”?

Our restaurant has booths, not “beeth.” (chuckles)

Where’s the magazine, Tina?

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

LOUISE: Okay. As soon as Teddy starts that hose, I’m going in. Gene, give me the goods.

Ugh, it’s damp.

Sorry I don’t have perfect dry butt like you.

So, whenever you’re ready.

Not so fast, Bob.

First I got to put on my goggles.

Oh, okay, just…

And gloves.

Great, okay.

Now, before we use this bad boy, we got to consider any and all possible hazards.

I’m talking about slippery surfaces, cracked glass, pedestrians…

Yes, Teddy, we’ll look out for those things– just do it!

Sorry, but I’m a professional, Bob.

Okay, turning it on.



Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Shu-Shut it off!

Okay, that’s exactly how that’s supposed to work, I’m guessing.

Go! Go! Go!

BOB: Ow! Teddy!

Whoa, whoa, Teddy!

(Teddy shouting, exclaiming)

(all shouting, clamoring)

Grab ahold of it! Grab it!

I’m gonna pinch it! I’m gonna pinch it!

Teddy, you sprayed everything except the poop!


I forgot how powerful this thing is.

The gloves might’ve made it harder to hold, now that I think of it.

Also I couldn’t see through the goggles.

They fogged up pretty quick. Don’t worry.

I’m good now. Let’s do this!

Okay, I’m letting go.

(Teddy and Bob shouting)

Oh, no, stop! Stop! Stop!

TEDDY: I’m sorry! Aah!

Teddy’s our handyman.

He’s a nice person.

Where is the magazine, Tina?

(chuckles) I know, right?


LOUISE: Hey-o!


What are you two up to?

Watching the water works out there, huh?

It’s like Vegas!

Okay, Belcher kids.

The Yapster is done playing around.

I’m just gonna tell your parents you stole my magazine, and you’re gonna be in so much trouble, you’re gonna go to sleep at 4:00 p.m. like widdle babies.

Here I go…


Dr. Yap, are you sure you checked everywhere for that thing?

I mean, I’m thinking about coming back with a search warrant to check your whole house.

No, no, no. Like, uh…

Between your couch cushions?

I-In your, uh, pockets?

Your, uh, private island I assume dentists have?

In your car?

So you think when I came here to look for my magazine, I brought my magazine and left it in my car?

I mean, yeah. It makes sense the way you said it.

Car! Yep!

I left something in a car one time.

Do you really want to be the guy who accuses three innocent children, only to find out the magazine was in your car the whole time?


We’ll get going on your burger soon, Dr. Yap.

Just got to put some fries on to calm Teddy down first.

He’s a mess. How are things going in here?

I’ll tell you after I go check my car.

For stuff.

Oh, I love stuff!

I have no idea how, but… it was in my car.

You don’t say.


Oh, my.

Hey, look at that, you found the magazine you thought you lost.

I don’t know how it got in there, I…

Maybe I accidentally… fanned the magazines too hard and it went into my dentist coat?

I have been working out.

And then it fell out in the car?

I mean, I don’t know, I…

Okay. Bye, I guess.


Sounds good, see ya. Bye!

Oh, you’re leaving before you eat?

Is it the poop? It’s the poop, isn’t it?

Hold the phone!

What? What?

A page has been ripped out!

Um, hi, uh… is everything okay?

No! No, it’s not, Bob!


Uh, people rip pages out of magazines all the time.

Yeah, to build fires. Or make ransom notes.

You’re both right. Oh, but what’s this?

It appears the fun and games page has been ripped out.

That’s so interesting because I remember a certain someone bragging about beating their sister in Dots and Boxes!

Who could that have been?

Gene, did you steal Dr. Yap’s magazine?

I mean, uh…

Later bedtime.


Damn it.

I knew it. Ha-ha.

That’s right, Bob, Linda.

Your kids stole from me!

Punish them as you see fit!

Oh, I don’t know, maybe in the bedtime department!

Hope you like going to bed before you even get up.

‘Cause it’s so early, suckas!

(laughing maniacally)

Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap. Yap!

Yap! Yap!

Can you stop doing that?

I wish I could.

Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap…

Dr. Yap, I-I-I’m sorry the kids stole from you.

I mean, you probably could’ve just called and told us that?

But coming to the restaurant and waiting angrily until they gave it back to you is-is also, um… uh, totally fine.

That’s what I thought.

I can’t believe you kids!

You stole a magazine and then you lied about it?

Apologize right now to Dr. Yap.

It’s Dr. Yap.

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said “Mr. Yap.”

It happens sometimes.

BOTH: We’re sorry, Dr. Yap.

Wait, it wasn’t Tina and Louise’s fault.

They were covering for me. I just really wanted to keep this.


I didn’t want to become a magazine burglar.

It’s just– Do you know how often I win at stuff… in this family?

Uh… four?

Never. I never win.

Any time we play board games or “thinky” games or that terrifying hanging game where a little stickman has to die if you don’t guess the letters?

Do you know how many horrible stickman deaths I have on my hands?!

I always lose, but this time I won.

And, I don’t know, I-I wanted to remember it.


Oh, Gene.


Huh, I guess we kinda have something in common, Gene.

We’re both dentists?

No. I’m saying…

I know how it is when you feel like you just can’t win.

There are some dental office waiting rooms, namely Dr. Agnes McAllister’s, that are just impossible to compete with.

She’s got a cage of rabbits.

There are whole families that switched to her just so they can look at the rabbits!

I can’t have rabbits in my waiting room, because the building doesn’t permit animals!

Does that make her better than me? Does it?

There’s a dentist office with rabbits? Where?

Tina. Mm-mm.

I guess what I’m saying is that…

I get it. I could use a win sometimes, too.

Rabbits don’t even make sense.

They should be at the ear doctor.

Or the fertility clinic.


Oh, ’cause rabbits have a lot of…


Aw, my little Geney-zuchini.

I get that it felt good to beat your sister at the polka dot game.

Dots and Boxes.

Right. But I hope you know that you are so good at so many things, and they’re not always easy to measure on a board game or a magazine page.

And, uh, hey, some people are really good at those things.

Like, crazy good, and that’s me.

But, uh, Gene, you squeaked out a win today.

And I’m proud of you. You’re on the board.

And I’m coming for you next teeth cleaning.

So, in three years?

Yep, rematch.

Thanks, Louise. Bring it.

But not too hard. But bring it.

Oh, and Gene? Here.

Keep it, Dr. Yap. I just want this page.

I actually just want you to throw it out for me.

It’s all dirty and moist.

I’ll take it!

There’s a, there’s a science thing I was interested in taking a look at.

There’s my guy– miss me?

TEDDY: Bob! Linda!

Everyone! Get out here! Hurry!

I got the poop off!

It looks great, Teddy. Thank you.

Aw, looks good!

Come outside!

Come be part of this!

Oh, I think he’s crying. We’d better go out.

Eh, it turns out I was pressure washing from my arms, but you got to pressure wash from your gut.

And your heart.

And you also got to do it properly.

Thank you, Teddy. Um, Dr. Yap?

Did you tell that guy he could reach into your car?

Hey, hey, hey! Get away from my Mazda-rati!

I thought it was a Porsche.

Parts! It’s both!

Mostly Honda!

How’s it hooting, night owls?

You kids liking your later bedtime?

(yawns) Actually I’m feeling kind of tired.

Oh, not me. I’m just closing my eyes during the commercials.

And if someone could bring me a blanket and tuck me in right here, I can continue staying up, thank you.

I was just having a dream about our later bedtime.

It was amazing. You woke me up from it!

Well, this is what it’s like.

You’re living the late-bedtime life.

La vida late night– oh.

(kids snoring)

So later bedtime means we have to carry all three kids to their beds now?

Stack ’em up on the rug and we’ll slide ’em. Get their feet.

♪ I did it ♪

♪ He did it ♪

♪ I got the poop off, I did it ♪

♪ Got the poop off ♪

♪ I’ll tell you how ♪

♪ Oh, I did it ♪

♪ He did it ♪

♪ I got the poop off, I did it ♪

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Tell us how you did it ♪

♪ You got to do it with your heart ♪

♪ Do it with your heart ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You got to do it with your gut ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Do it with your gut ♪

♪ You got to do it with your arms ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ With your arms ♪

♪ You got to do it, but most importantly ♪

♪ You got to do it properly, oh, yeah. ♪


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