The Bad Guys: Breaking In – Season 1 | Transcripts

The Bad Guys: Breaking In
Based on: The Bad Guys by Pierre Perifel; The Bad Guys by Aaron Blabey
Season 1
Original release date: November 6, 2025 (Netflix)

Before becoming THE Bad Guys, they were just criminals seeking notoriety. Wolf leads their crew on daring heists to top the 6 News Nightly’s Worst List, but being truly bad isn’t their strong suit.

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E01 – Bad Beginnings | Transcript

Mr. Wolf and his loyal band of thieves set out to make a name for themselves by stealing an iconic painting from the local museum.

[heist music playing]

[wind whistling]

[Snake] I’m not saying The Bad Guys isn’t a good name.

It’s just, you know, a little on the nose.

That’s why it works.

We are bad guys, so folks know what they’re getting.

Sure. Still, it… it could be cooler, like The Night Owls.

Not you too!

All anybody wants to talk about is The Night Owls.

It’s a catchy name.

The Bad Guys is plenty catchy.

We just need to get it out there more.

Speaking of, everybody in position?

[arcade sounds]

[tires screeching]

Ready and waiting for the signal.

Wait. Is this the signal?

No! Stick to the plan.

And don’t get nervous.

You know what happens when you do.

[Piranha breaks wind] Nothing! I don’t know what you’re talking about.

[epic music playing]

[earpiece beeps] Webs? Webs, you copy?

Yeah, yeah. I’m with Snake on the name.

That’s not… I-I wasn’t asking.

Are you in position?

Duh! I’m the most in position anyone’s ever been.

All right. That just leaves Shark.

Shark, is the lobster in the trap?

Shark, have you subdued the guard?

We’re not so different, you and I.

Just two regular joes.

One of us definitely isn’t an imposter.

Ooh! Want to hear my backstory?

Was that the sound of improvising?

We’ve been over this, Shark. Shark.

[Webs] Oh, I’m on it, Wolfie.

[arcade sounds]

[Shark screaming] Spider!

[earpieces whine] You know I’m down to steal anything.

Really, anything.

But what’s so special about some old game?

Only a few Space Fruit Battle 2000s were made before the game was scrapped because it was too addictive.

[chuckling] Kids stopped sleeping, panic in the streets, societal breakdown.

And this just happens to be the last working one.

Stealing it is really gonna get our name out there.

[engine stops]

[sighs] Signal’s late.

Which is probably fine.

Unless it isn’t.

Wolf, is the lobster in the trap? Wolf?

[earpiece crackling] Can anybody tell me if the lobster is indeed inside the trap?

[sirens wailing]

[gasps]

[engine revving]

[screams]

I just want to say sorry again for not realizing it was you before, and not a regular spider.

That’s still insulting.

I’m, uh, just getting used to having a spider as a teammate… is an option for an excuse.

Oh, hey there.

I bet you’re asking yourself, “Who is this team of daring super criminals?”

We’re The Bad Guys.

And you can see why.

Take Mr. Snake.

There’s nothing he can’t steal.

[Snake retches]

Or won’t.

Then there’s Ms. Tarantula.

We call her Webs.

She’s our technological, geniusological, arach…

Uh, she can hack stuff good.

Mr. Shark’s our master of disguise.

And then there’s Mr. Piranha. He’s

[Wolf exclaims]

The heat’s on us! We gotta go!

[siren wailing in distance]

[chuckling] Piranha, uh, he brings the unexpected.

So, who’s the mastermind behind this super team?

That’d be me, Mr. Wolf.

As in Big Bad.

Who are you talking to?

To get our name out there, I thought I’d introduce us properly.

We’re The Bad Guys.

You’ll want to remember that.

Uh, yeah.

The security cameras aren’t recording.

I turned them off… this being a heist and all.

And here comes the best part.

[engine revving]

The getaway.

[bell dings]

[tires squealing]

[cheering, whooping]

[siren wailing]

I always knew this job was a one-way ticket.

Maybe a brush with the fuzz is just what we need.

“Notorious crooks, The Bad Guys, narrowly escape police.” I like that.

That’s right, it’s us, The Bad Guys.

We just stole some bigtime loot.

How about a little highspeed…

Huh. Huh.

[brakes squeaking]

Are they… Were they not after us?

[sirens wailing]

Guess they had bigger fish to fry.

But… But we’re The Bad Guys.

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

[Channel 6 Action News music playing]

[Tiffany Fluffit on TV]

The Night Owls have struck again.

Last night, they hit every jewelry store on Gemstone Row and narrowly avoided capture after an epic police chase.

Oh. We should have done that.

Yeah. Why did we steal a lousy game again?

So, we’re not the lead story.

I bet our heist will be up next.

Right, Piranha?

This magical machine is the greatest thing that’s ever been stolen, so definitely.

[arcade sounds] Game over? I hate this game!

[gasps] Ooh! Bonus round! This game rules!

With this latest daring heist, The Night Owls have surpassed The Slippery Eels to claim the second spot on 6 News Nightly’s Worst of the Worst List, which is a list we keep even though it creates a sense of competitiveness that probably worsens crime in the city.

But who am I to question tradition?

We didn’t even make the list?

Which just means it’ll taste all the sweeter when we finally do.

Oh, c… The Inside Cats beat us out?

[chuckling] Oh, that chafes my scales.

They hunt down every small rodent they can find and don’t even eat them.

[door slams] I hate food waste.

The Night Owls may have a chance to nab the top spot when the famous painting Sad Boy goes on display for the first time since The Crimson Paw stole it ten years ago.

Not that I’m suggesting anyone steal it.

Don’t do that.

Are they even gonna talk about our arcade heist?

I told everybody I was gonna be on TV.

Man, I need snacks.

I guess that just leaves us.

[Piranha] I’m not hungry. Thanks though.

Yeah, I-I have to go do something.

It’s not looking for another gig because this one isn’t working out.

What? Uh, I-I mean, not that.

[chuckles awkwardly]

[button clicks]

I don’t want to talk.

That is too bad, uh, because that… that’s definitely why I’m up here.

But if you don’t want to talk, I gotta get out of here. Talk later.

We worked so hard on the arcade heist and nobody even noticed.

It’s just…

I really believed, with all our unique talents, our crooked instincts, our collective love of the steal, we could become the best crime-pulling team that ever existed.

But, and maybe I’m being paranoid, I feel like everyone just wants to go off and do their own thing.

I blame the name.

Anyway, you’re right.

We should all go our separate ways.

Huh? Wait a second.

That’s not what I said.

Snake, y-you’re my best bud.

That hurts coming from you.

We can’t give up.

We’re all better as a team, and I need you for this to work.

Were you sneaking out to do a job alone?

Who, me?

No. My face was just cold.

Of course I was.

Look, you’re a wolf.

You’re meant to be in a pack, sniffing each other’s butts.

There’s not even a word for a wolf that goes solo.

But me? I’m a lone snake.

[Wolf sniffles]

I get it.

I guess The Bad Guys was a silly idea.

You’re a dreamer, Wolf.

That’s why I love you.

Well, see you in the funny papers.

[Wolf gasps]

Sad Boy.

Stealing that would sure make a name for somebody.

Of course, you’d need a team to pull it off.

[laughing] The Bad Guys?

The Bad Guys steal that? Ha!

I’m gonna do another “ha” for emphasis. Ha!

But if we did, not only would we jump right over The Night Owls on the Worst of the Worst List, we’d knock The Inside Cats right off.

Fine. I’ll stay for one more job.

But if this doesn’t work, I’m out.

Sad Boy hasn’t been shown since The Crimson Paw stole it and then returned it, just to prove that he could.

Which is just so cool.

And that means that if we steal it, we’ll be launched into the same league as The Crimson Paw.

Oh! Oh! Please say I have to go deep undercover as Sad Boy.

[groans] Here we go.

I like the enthusiasm, but no.

Probably for the best.

Emoting that much sadness might cause permanent frown lines. [groans] Yeah, if we actually pull this off, we don’t have to, like, hang it up, do we?

This place is depressing enough.

Forget about the painting.

I mean, don’t. We have to steal it.

But it’s not about Sad Boy.

It’s about proving that The Bad Boys…

I mean, The Bad Guys, are the best…

I mean, the worst, by stealing Sad Guy… Boy.

You get it.

Still sure about the name?

One thousand percent. We’re The Bad Guys.

And soon, the whole world will know us.

[arcade sounds] Come on! You want a piece of me?

You mangoes don’t know what’s coming!

[game stops]

[chuckling] Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Piranha growls]

Piranha, buddy, what… Have you slept?

[Piranha yells] [thud] Oh, thanks, man.

I couldn’t stop on my own.

Anytime. We’re a team.

And we’ll need to work as a team, because stealing Sad Boy won’t be easy.

The museum has installed extra security measures.

Yes! Finally, a heist where I can put my skills to the test.

I really need this to work, because my fallback career is boring.

Not that I have one of those.

Every criminal in town will want to get their paws on the painting, which is why we’re gonna steal it tonight, before the exhibit opens tomorrow.

The painting is in the gallery on the top floor.

Step one is for Shark to impersonate a building inspector and get the guard to turn off the first layer of security.

Museum’s closed, sir.

No building is closed to me, for I’m an official building inspector.

My official documents.

I didn’t print them out from the Internet.

With the big exhibit opening tomorrow, we cannot take any chances.

You see that?

One crack in the foundation, this whole place could come down.

Do you want that?

[gasps] Folks trapped inside, eating priceless artwork just to survive?

Is that what you want?

[Wolf] Oh, no.

No. No, no, no, no.

[Shark grunts] Love so much about that.

Uh, but maybe we went a little too far with the improvisation there, buddy.

But I developed a whole backstory for my inspector.

He’s a broken man, hardened by too many years on the job.

You promised I’d be able to stretch my actorial fins with The Bad Guys.

And you can. [grunts] I just wonder i-if your inspector keeps all that buried inside.

Deep, deep, deep inside, so that the guard doesn’t get suspicious.

Because you are a suspiciously good actor.

I suppose I could rework the character.

He’s all business.

Doesn’t have time for chitchat because work is the only thing that can distract him from the ghosts of his past.

Just let me hack into the security system.

We can skip whatever this is.

The perimeter alarms can only be turned off from inside the museum.

And once Shark gets the guard to do that, you handle step two, hacking the internal motion-detection lasers.

[keyboard clacking]

[laughs]

I made him smile.

[Wolf] Webs?

[laughter trails off] You are no fun.

You promised this will be fun.

What’s more fun than a perfectly executed plan?

[ringing]

Arachna-Tech Helpline.

It’s a family nickname.

Okay, you’re clearly lying.

What? No, I’m not. Oh, just a sec.

We do appreciate your call, ma’am.

Have you tried rebooting?

My auntie.

She needs a lot of computer help and values good manners.

Wait. What am I supposed to do during all this?

I was getting to that.

You need to be patient.

I don’t have a lot of patience for patience.

Well, I have great news then.

You, my friend, are about to have an opportunity to exercise that muscle, because your role involves waiting patiently.

We signal, then you come get us.

Do not crash the walls like the arcade.

Oh, man! Waiting is the hardest job.

You just sit. There’s not much to it.

My brain goes to all sorts of places.

Like, what if another gang tries to pull the same heist at the exact same time, and me and the other driver get our signals crossed, and I end up picking up the other gang by mistake?

So, you come here often?

No?

I like your jacket.

Hoot! Hoot!

Don’t encourage him, Shark.

Piranha, that’s not gonna happen.

What if it does?

That building inspector did bring up some good points.

You mean, the imaginary character Shark invented?

Pretty convincing, wasn’t I?

Yeah. What if the building starts to collapse?

[rumbling]

[engine starts]

[tires squealing]

[Piranha] Should I drive the car over the museum, and you all, like, jump up at the same time?

[laughs] Bravo! What a thrilling tale.

Piranha, no way that’s gonna happen, mainly because, with how this run-through is going, I’m not confident we could coordinate a simultaneous jump.

Also, our car can’t fly.

Well, maybe it should be able to.

You promised me something when I agreed to join The Bad Guys.

I forgot what, but I feel like it involved mayhem, not patience.

[Snake grunts]

One last job. You promised.

Do I look like someone who keeps promises?

Face facts, Wolfie.

This obviously isn’t gonna work.

Facts are only true because people believe them.

Come on. We can do this.

For me. Please.

Fine. Do it to beat The Inside Cats.

[inhales sharply, sighs] It’s gonna work. It has to work.

[heist music playing]

[sighs] Waiting patiently.

Patiently waiting. Nothing to worry about.

[stomach gurgling]

Uh-oh!

Maybe just distracting your brain is the way to go.

Ooh!

[arcade sounds]

Museum’s closed, sir.

[clicking]

Building inspector. I need full access to the building for inspecting.

Disable the perimeter alarms.

I have a clipboard, so you know I’m all business.

[clicking]

Oh. Uh, of course, sir.

[keyboard clacking]

[earpiece beeps] We’re in. It actually worked.

Maybe you’re onto something about this “less is more” business, Wolf.

Or it was the clipboard.

I should do more prop work.

Copy that.

Second layer of alarms disabled.

That’s our cue.

This plan is too complicated.

Smash and grab has always worked fine for me.

You’ve been to jail, like, a hundred times.

And I’ve always smashed and grabbed my way out.

No smashing, no grabbing.

We’re here to steal Sad Boy, nothing else. Stick to the plan.

Wolfie, come on.

I may not always agree with your plans, but I always stick to ’em.

Oh, yeah? So you didn’t steal anything besides the game at the arcade?

[Snake retches]

[teddy squeaks] I don’t know how that got there.

What? I’m a thief.

If I don’t steal things, who even am I?

Besides, you promised, and I quote, “unfettered stealing” when I agreed to join this outfit.

[elevator bell dings]

[Wolf] And you’re a great thief.

But if we’re gonna get The Bad Guys’ name out there, then we need to pull this off, and to do that, we have to stick to the plan.

[Wolf grunts]

[Snake hisses] The pedestals are weight sensor-equipped.

If anything is removed, the alarm goes to the security company.

Game over.

[arcade sounds]

[Piranha] Aw, why?

Not you. Also, did you not hear anything I just said?

I am who I am.

Focus on the job.

[Wolf gasps]

[somber music playing]

Sure is different seeing it in person.

[Wolf sniffles, clears throat]

The artist really captured h-his sadness.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

[gulps]

I’m not sad… at all.

Unrelated…

[sniffles] …why is my face wet?

[sobbing]

It’s too much.

We gotta stop looking. Don’t look.

I can’t.

Fight it. Fight it!

[Wolf groans]

Let’s steal this horrible painting and get out of here.

[Wolf sobs]

[sniffles] Oh.

Wait.

First, we need folks to know that The Bad Guys are the ones who took it.

We should sign our work like artists do.

Then everyone will know our name.

Ah, I wish I had some spray paint, or a customized stamp.

Would this work? [retches] Yeah. Actually, that’s perfect.

Give me a boost.

[Wolf grunts]

[Wolf] Oh!

[alarm ringing]

Ooh…

Oh, no.

[Wolf grunts]

Come on. You’re gonna be sadder than him if we get caught. Let’s go!

[alarm ringing]

[Shark gasps]

[gasps] What’s going on? What do I do?

[Wolf] This is your moment, Shark. Improvise.

[bell dings]

[keyboard clacking]

[Shark yells]

These alarms are the least of our worries.

This whole place is structurally unsound, like my personal life, because I’m married to the job!

[both grunt]

Webs, tell me you can do something about this. Hello?

I’m sorry to hear your phone isn’t working, sir.

May I just ask, how is it you’re talking to me now?

Webs, help.

Hold, please.

Wait. Me? I can’t hold.

The grates were automatically activated.

I can’t control them.

That’s awesome.

[Wolf] It’s really not.

I slowed the guard as long as I could.

Hang on, Wolf. I can buy you some time.

[keyboard clacking]

[gasps]

[Wolf grunts]

[Wolf exhales sharply]

[both grunting]

[both groan]

I guess you were right. I dream too big.

I should have let you go before.

Go now, before it’s too late.

No need to tell me twice.

Wait, really?

[elevator bell dings]

I thought… I mean, yeah, good.

[chuckling] I’ll just talk to myself, because you’re already gone.

[grates rattling]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[gasps]

[wind whistling]

[grunts]

[gasps] Oh…

[gulps, groans]

[earpiece beeps] Hey, guys. I’m, uh… Don’t worry about me.

I’m the Big Bad Wolf, remember?

I can take care of myself.

[gasps]

[earpiece beeps] Get out of here.

[engine starts]

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

No.

Probably not.

Buckle up.

[engine revving] I’m about to make our ride fly.

[tires screeching]

[brakes squealing]

[tires screeching]

What is he do

[Piranha cackles]

This is gonna work.

[Wolf grunts]

[cheering, whooping]

[bell dings]

[tires screeching]

[sirens wailing]

[on TV] Tiffany Fluffit reporting live from the art museum, where a new criminal group brazenly broke in.

Their name? The Bad Guys.

She said our name.

Tiffany Fluffit knows who we are!

We’re on TV. Which means we’re famous!

[ringing] Arachna-Te-You know what? I quit.

Despite getting past the museum’s heightened security, the mysterious Bad Guys didn’t steal the famous Sad Boy.

Were they just trying to prove that they could?

Or are they a performance art group?

[Wolf gasps, grunts] [grunts] We don’t need…

I-I think we got it.

I-I apologized for the whole not getting the painting thing already, right?

You did not.

That is not what happened at all.

Oh. Okay.

I’m going to apologize now.

Here goes.

I’m sorry for going off-plan after giving everyone a hard time about doing that.

I’ll take it.

It’s cool.

That’s the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.

Don’t sweat it, Wolf.

You’re a Bad Guy, and Bad Guys break the rules.

So?

You admit that it’s a good name, right?

I mean, I guess it’s all right.

But Snake and His Bad Guys…

Actually, that might be better.

Does that mean you’ll stay?

Yeah. Okay.

I mean, you know, until something better comes along.

Not possible, because we’re gonna be the best.

Maybe we didn’t get the score, but we did get The Bad Guys name out there.

Now we have to show everybody who we are.

[hissing] By stealing stuff?

All the stuff.

Will I get to improvise?

I’m going to get to hack things nobody’s ever hacked before?

I need to do mayhem.

You promised fun.

Will there be mayhem?

Oh, yeah. It’s a promise.

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E02 – The Sweet, Sweet Steal | Transcript

Still itching to be recognized for their crimes, the Bad Guys set out to swipe a top-secret recipe from a suspiciously sweet candy maker.

[heist music playing]

Turns out water parks are way more flammable than expected.

[chuckling] Jeez.

Hey, it was a great idea on paper.

Until the paper caught on fire too.

After the heist we just pulled off, it’s The Bad Guys who will be on fire, figuratively, because everyone will know about us, because we’ll be on the Worst of the Worst List.

[Tiffany] For another consecutive week, the entries on Channel 6’s Worst of the Worst List remain unchanged.

If I were a criminal and not on this list, I would be embarrassed.

It’s like, how hard is it, really, to be bad guys?

Maybe think about becoming productive members of society.

[gasps] In other news, Htwooh, no!

An unusual, but in no way criminal, fire at the water park has officials baffled.

“In no way criminal”?

It was very criminal! It was us!

[Wolf groans]

I’m craving a sweet treat to mask this sour defeat.

[munches]

Peppy, you and your Whale Tails sure do know how to pick me up when I’m feeling down.

There’s no time for talking to boxes!

Sorry. Came in a little hot there.

What I meant to say was, we need to think bigger, bolder, badder if we’re gonna get the fame we deserve.

[kisses] That heist was a slam-dunk.

[buzzer]

[Wolf groans]

Why does this list hate us?

Houston will definitely have a problem when they see their satellite’s missing.

[laughs]

Um, when is that antigravity pill gonna wear off? [grunts]

[buzzer]

Oh, come on!

Not even a dishonorable mention?

We stole all the water from the water park’s reopening.

Surely, that has to…

[buzzer]

[buzzers]

[groaning]

What do we have to do to get on this list?

[howls]

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

There must be something I haven’t thought of to get the world to notice us.

Sorry, Wolf.

But on the bright side, this day can’t get any worse.

If you’re a fan of the candy Whale Tails, your day’s about to get a lot worse.

Beloved candy maker Peppy Sweet Pots announced she will be discontinuing the Whale Tail line of candies despite sales being at an all-time high and me needing them to get through my days.

Oh, it breaks my heart to say goodbye to Whale Tails.

But keep those smiles right side up, because Peppy is bringing you a brand-new candy that you won’t be able to resist.

My smile is very much wrong side down, Peppy.

I ate the last box?

This can’t be happening!

Why would you let me do that?

Why didn’t you stop me?!

What’s the big deal? It’s just candy.

[gasps] It is not just candy.

As a young shark, Whale Tails were always there for me.

If I bruised my fin or didn’t get cast in a school play, Whale Tails were there.

When my friend invited me to her birthday party, but only as a guest and not as a performer, I took my anger out on her piñata.

And you guessed it.

It was filled with Whale Tails.

But now I’m afraid I might never feel happiness again.

[sobs]

[melancholy music playing]

Oh, wake up, man!

Don’t let the big smile and pastel dresses fool you.

Peppy’s just another money-hungry corporate overlord who rots out children’s teeth to sell in a teeth-smuggling organization.

Should we get into the teeth racket to get us on the list?

There’s a whole community of us that know the truth about Peppy.

All she sees is green, and she’ll do anything to fill her coffers, with green!

Not true!

Peppy donates her profits to help build schools for children who are bad at sports and math.

What are clumsy kids that can’t subtract perfect for?

Slow-moving targets for Peppy’s army of tooth harvesters!

Do the math, man! Oh.

You can’t?

That’s exactly how Peppy wants it.

Webs, I’m gonna say something to you that I hear a lot.

You’re not helping!

Maybe we can recreate the Whale Tail recipe.

I’m great at cooking by ear.

It’s no use.

Peppy spent years perfecting her top-secret recipes, and keeps them all in an extremely well-guarded recipe book, kept in her extremely well-guarded factory.

Sounds like someone has something to hide.

Wait a minute.

Top secret? Well-guarded? Candy?

That’s it!

We’re gonna break into the factory and steal Peppy’s recipe book.

Wait, if we steal that recipe book, we’d be stealing Peppy’s candy from everyone, forever.

We wouldn’t just be taking candy from a baby.

We’d be taking it from all the babies.

[cackles]

That would definitely get us on the Worst of the Worst List.

And once I’m in the factory, I can expose Peppy’s true self to the world, and Shark.

And I can prove to Webs that Peppy is a saint who means every word to the lyrics in her jingle…

♪ My candy’s like a hug for your tongue ♪

All right, here are the blueprints of Peppy’s factory.

This place is massive.

And most of the interior is labeled “restricted,” which isn’t suspicious at all, huh, Shark?

I know you said that sarcastically, but I agree. It isn’t suspicious at all.

I was able to pinpoint a few key locations the recipe book might be.

My guess is there, in R&D, which I’m assuming stands for “Recipes and Deliciousness.”

Oh, no way.

Peppy’s not letting anything as secret as her recipes out of her sight.

I read she keeps them locked up in her office, right next to the jar she has the tooth fairy trapped in.

First, she only cares about money, and now she’s holding the tooth fairy hostage?

Your Peppy lies are getting more and more ridiculous.

Yeah. We all know the tooth fairy isn’t real.

No. She or he or they are definitely real, and Peppy is their best friend.

Can we focus here?

Getting in won’t be easy.

This place is like a fortress.

Motion sensors, an electric fence, biometric locks.

And we don’t know what to expect once inside.

That means we’ll need all fins on deck.

Wait. You’re saying I don’t have to stay in the getaway car?

I get to go inside the heist?

[Wolf] Mmhmm.

Oh, you won’t regret this, man.

I’m gonna make sure we get that recipe book, even if I have to give my life for it.

Piranha, under no circumstances are you to one-way-ticket this, okay?

All we have to do is nab that book, land on the Worst of the Worst List, and go down as the greatest criminal group in history.

Heistory! Dang it!

I thought of that a second too late.

[tires screeching]

Whoa.

[Shark] Was that a “whoa” of wonder?

Sounded full of wonder.

No!

[camera shutter clicks]

The blindfold is on.

[Shark gasps]

This place is whoa-worthy.

More like an automated greed machine designed to run efficiently, therefore reducing energy usage and material waste?

Huh? Hmm.

[scoffs] So evil.

[Wolf] There’s our way in.

[gasps]

We can do this.

We could use these walkways to get across.

We just have to time it perfectly, coordinate our jumps, and move together.

This is what all those line dance nights were preparing us for. Now!

No, yeah, this is good.

All part of the plan.

I was gonna say let’s split up, cover more ground.

Just radio if you find the recipe book.

And remember, just because we’re separated doesn’t make this a competition.

We’re all still one team.

But this is a competition now, right?

Oh, we’re gonna crush ’em.

[walkways creaking]

It’s gonna take forever to get to that door.

Yeah, and something tells me that this is definitely a competition now.

I bet that controls the walkways.

If we get there, I can hack in and make us a path to the door, behind which we’ll find Peppy’s collection of children’s teeth.

Which I’m now realizing fall out anyway, so it would be weird, but not necessarily that evil.

You’re coming around to the Peppy side, aren’t you?

No way.

[grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

[gasps]

Don’t worry. I’m on it.

[grunts]

Go, go, go! [grunts] I don’t think this is what my acting coach meant when he said I should stretch myself more in my performances.

[walkway creaking]

How much longer, Webs?

I’m almost there. A few more seconds.

[Piranha gasps]

I know what I have to do.

Piranha, no! Do not one-way-ticket this!

I always knew joining this heist was a one-way ticket.

There has to be another way.

There’s literally so much time left.

[Piranha yells]

Remember me!

He was the best fin a Fin Bro could ask for, and the third-best driver who agreed to join the team.

Webs, would you like to share any words?

Piranha, are you okay?

[Piranha, on radio] Mm! Mm! Mm!

Better than okay.

This chocolate is delicious!

[typing]

[Shark gasps]

Find your way out of there and look for the recipe book.

Last one through the door has to admit they’re probably wrong about Peppy!

According to the blueprints, the R&D Lab should be right about…

Bingo!

Oh. We need Webs.

Please! There’s no lock I can’t pick.

[covers clattering]

[Snake humming tune]

[beeping]

Told ya.

[Wolf] There’s the recipe book.

[cackles] We won!

I mean… [clears throat] We’ve acquired the target.

Let’s rendezvous back at the entrance and make our way out.

[Piranha] Don’t wait for me.

I’ve been sucked into the candy machine.

I’m about to find myself fins-deep in pi-ping-hot caramel and…

[caramel splashing]

Ooh! This is nice.

[sighs] Sound like Piranha one-way-ticketed again.

Let’s find him first, then make our way out. Where you going?

I’m just gonna crack this safe quick.

Come on. We have the recipe book.

I know, but if I see a safe, I crack a safe. It’s the box-man’s code.

[sighs]

[dial clicking]

Whoa.

This candy must be too flavorful for the public if Peppy’s got it locked up tighter than her book.

We should stay focused on the mission, which means not eating.

Sorry. Couldn’t help it.

Yeah, me either.

[munching]

[Webs shudders] That’s creepy.

It feels like she’s watching us.

I know. Isn’t it great?

Gasp! Last Whale Tails on the planet.

Uh-uh! Don’t even think about it.

You heard Wolf.

We need to find Piranha and get out before that pastel punk gets wind of us.

[Piranha] Don’t waste your time!

I survived the caramel, but here comes the end of the line, the taffy press!

I’m about to be crush[voice vibrating] Actually, never mind.

This is just like a massage.

Admit it, Webs.

Maybe Peppy’s not the maniacal freakshow you make her out to be.

Maybe she just loves making candy.

Is that so hard to believe?

Look, despite any clear evidence that any of the theories we Peppytruthers talk about online are true, no one could be that happy without something being wrong in the head.

But maybe I-I was a little harsh on her.

And I do like her candy, I guess.

See? I told you Peppy’s not ev–

Huh? Ooh.

[alarm blaring]

[gasps]

Webs! No!

[screams]

[gasps]

I should help her.

Webs is more important than some candy, right?

Then again, when I have to make a tough decision, I usually eat a Whale Tail.

[grunts, gasps]

Hi!

Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you with all that creeping-in-the-shadows stuff.

I just like to save electricity.

The environment, you know?

But listen to me going on, not letting you get a word in even to introduce yourself.

Oh. Uh, i-it’s okay. I’m Webs.

Well, hi, Webs. How are you?

Uh, fine, I guess. How are you?

Bad.

A whole mess of folks I’ve never met before, and certainly didn’t send personal, handwritten factory tour invitations to, broke in anyway, and are trying to thwart my evil plan.

Actually, we only broke in to steal your recip–

Wait. Did you say “evil plan”?

Did I?

You totally did! I knew it!

[laughs] This is why you should believe all you read on the Internet.

Man, I wish Shark was here so I could rub it in his face.

You’ve read things about me on the Internet, have you?

Not just read.

I’m the one who first theorized your whole teeth–

Oh, I’m familiar with your theory.

I’ve read everything about me on the Internet.

A horrible place where it doesn’t seem to matter that I dedicated my entire life to making people happy!

No. On the Internet, I’m some sort of, I don’t know… money-hungry, teeth-hoarding corporate overlord?

What is with the teeth stuff?

I was a nice person!

Was?

But you and your online pals just had to keep trolling me and trolling me, until I started feeling not nice!

I did not like how that felt.

[beep] I figured all those not-nice commenters probably didn’t like feeling not nice either, so I’ve developed a new mind-control candy that will make everyone act exactly how I want them to, which is nice!

[gasps]

[growls]

I don’t believe this. I thought Peppy only used her candy for good.

But making everyone be nice seems not that nice.

Time to do the right thing.

Which I was totally planning to do the whole time.

I was right about you all along.

Well, at least once you turned evil because of Internet comments I may or may not have been involved in.

The point is, my team and I are bad guys.

We’re The Bad Guys actually.

Never heard of you.

And if you’re really bad guys, are you here to join me?

No! We’re bad, not evil.

And me and my friends won’t let you get away with this.

[cackles]

You’re a funny little spider, you know that?

Which friends would you be talking about?

Wow, that was really good timing.

Were you guys just waiting outside the door or…?

What did you do to them?

They’ve been such lovely test subjects, even kind enough to return this.

And now that I know my candy works, I won’t be needing this silly old thing… or any evidence.

[sizzling]

What is that?

Just some highly concentrated citric acid.

I normally use it for making my sour candies, but this is going to be oh, so sweet!

Would you two be so kind as to share some of my candy with your friend?

[in unison] Yes, Peppy.

[Webs gasps]

[Wolf growls, grunts]

[Snake hisses]

[Webs gulps]

[Webs grunts]

[gulps]

Now, all of you, time for a dip.

[buzzer] And don’t worry, it will only hurt a second.

After that, you won’t feel anything at all.

[box banging]

[grunts] I’m alive.

I’m alive!

What are you guys doing?

Is that an exfoliating bath or something? I want in!

[sizzling]

[gasps] That can’t be good for the skin.

Oh, looks like this party could use a little chaos.

[gasps]

[high-pitched voice] Stop right there!

[as Peppy] It is I, Peppy Sweet Pots, betrayer of dreams and soul-crusher to lifelong fans of mine, and I order you to step away from that vat of deadly acid.

Don’t listen to him!

It’s clearly someone holding a picture of me.

And is that supposed to be my voice?

How rude!

Do not listen to the woman telling you not to listen to me!

You must obey my commands.

You will obey my commands, and I order you to turn around and walk straight off that platform!

Now do it in reverse.

But turn around first!

[Shark] And move to your left!

[engine revving]

[Piranha whooping]

[revving intensifies]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no!

[forklift whirring]

[grunts] We gotta go!

This cookie’s about to crumble!

I’ve spent too much time perfecting my plan to be taken down by the likes of you!

Fluffy, Long Boy, grab that fish!

[Wolf growls] [Snake hisses]

[Piranha grunts]

[walkway whirring]

Must destroy intruder.

[beep]

[screams]

[as Peppy] Wait! It’s still me!

I know you’re angry and mind-controlled, and that is your friend, Shark’s fault because he chose candy over rescuing you…

He sounds like a really bad friend.

No, no. No, no, no. He’s a great friend.

And I know he wants you to know that he’s sorry for not listening to you when you said that Peppy…

I mean, I, was up to no good.

[gasps]

[sizzling]

[gasps]

[as Peppy] Do you think you can forgive him?

Of course I can.

[beep]

[walkway whirring]

That’s impossible.

He used the one thing sweeter than candy.

True friendship.

And maybe Shark can do a better job of listening to me next time.

He is not willing to make any promises at this moment.

Whoa! Okay, okay!

[Piranha screams]

[Snake hissing]

Hey! [gasps]

[screams]

[panting, screams]

[Wolf growls] Uh, Shark, a little help before they one-way-ticket me?

[as Peppy] Oh!

Uh, that’s enough, my dears.

Your face is weird.

Yeah, you’re not the boss of us.

[in normal voice] What if I used the power of true friendship?

[stirring music playing]

[as Peppy] Okay! How about now?

[in unison] Yes, Peppy.

[rumbling]

[both jabbering]

What happened? We gotta get out of here!

[sighs]

[rumbling]

[whimpering]

Webs, do you think you can get us a way to that door?

On it!

[walkways whirring]

[screaming]

[whimpers]

[beep]

[screaming]

[explosion]

[crickets chirping]

I can’t believe we didn’t get the recipe book.

I can’t believe my beloved candy hero turned out to be a power-hungry candy villain.

I do want to claim a victory on that, but, honestly, I’m a little confused.

Was I right about Peppy or wrong about Peppy?

Or was I so wrong it made me right because my wrong ideas turned her bad?

[sighs] My head hurts.

Yeah, anyone else have an icky feeling that we might have done something…

[groans] …good when we blew up the factory and stopped Peppy’s evil plan?

Well, I, for one, am glad we did it.

It hurts to say, but I don’t think I can enjoy one of Peppy’s treats ever again.

Must enjoy Peppy’s treats.

Piranha, did you eat the mind-control candy?

Yeah. He said he didn’t get to try one during the heist and felt left out.

This whole thing has left a really bad taste in my mouth, and I can’t even eat a Whale Tail to make myself feel better.

I know just what you need, buddy.

No. Don’t you dare.

[Snake hissing]

[Wolf grunting]

[munches] Mmmm!

Wonder what story is gonna beat us tonight.

[Tiffany] What was the name of this dastardly group again?

They call themselves The Bad Guys.

She said our name, live on air!

[Peppy] They just broke in and then destroyed a lifetime of hard work and blew up my factory, which is filled with regular, non-mind-controlling candies.

While that is an oddly specific clarification, I think it’s safe to say that the childhoods of all future generations have been stolen by a dangerous new criminal group on the rise.

We should all be very afraid of The Bad Guys.

[cheering]

[Wolf] Yeah!

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E03 – No News Is Bad News | Transcript

Wolf arranges for the team to be interviewed on the news as a way to hype up their heists. But are the Bad Guys really ready for prime time?

[heist music playing]

[car horns honking]

Have a nice day.

I know, it’s me. But don’t worry.

I’m not gonna steal anything.

Probably too scared to speak.

Face-to-face with the Wolf from The Bad Guys.

My advice? Let the thrill soak.

Look, I don’t know no Bad who, whatsits, or whatever you’re talking about.

You want a cup of joe or not?

Wait, wait, wait.

You haven’t heard of The Bad Guys?

We’re famous criminals, bigtime crooks.

We’re, uh, tenth on the Worst of the Worst List, so, uh…

Ah. No, n-no one really pays attention below the top five on that.

So you’re not freaked out at all that I’m a fearsome criminal?

Nope.

Or the fact that I’m the Big Bad Wolf?

That’s scary, right?

[snarls]

I don’t judge animals by their species.

Sorry to disappoint you, pal.

Tell you what.

Why don’t you have the coffee on me?

Seems like you could use a cheer-me-up.

No way!

I’m stealing this!

Now you’ll remember The Bad Guys, and me, Wolf, of The Bad Guys.

Can’t really steal something that’s free.

Then I’ll pay for it first! Here!

And I’m taking these too. Sayonara!

My paper cups?

Those aren’t worth anything.

Hey, this is, like, a hundred bucks!

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

[Wolf] Being on the list is cool, but what’s the point if we’re not being recognized as the criminal masterminds that we are?

[TV blaring]

What’s the deal with all the paper cups?

Look, if you’re throwing a party, I’m out.

I don’t do small talk.

Wolf, we’ve only been a team for a while, and we’ve already made it on the list.

Rome wasn’t sacked in a day.

Yeah, bro. You gotta live in the now.

Not sure what that means, but I see it on bumper stickers.

What’s up with all these cups?

I know we’re bad guys but, jeez, we’re not monsters.

We should recycle these.

Forget about the cups!

Forget about living in the now.

We’re The Bad Guys.

If no one fears us as criminals, maybe we’re not that good of criminals, you know?

Maybe we’re just… just…

[retches] …petty… pet… uh… petty thieves.

[gasps]

[phone vibrating]

What is it?

If it’s an opportunity to get in on the ground floor, let me warn you, invest everything.

[splutters] It’s not spam.

“As the newest members of the list, Tiffany Fluffit wants to do a news piece…” on us?

Wait. Really?

Tiffany Fluffit knows who we are?

[Wolf] She does.

And she wants the rest of the world to know who we are too. Huh.

[laughing] I guess an interview with Tiffany in which we come off as a hardened group of ne’erdowells would solve our reputation problem.

Sorry, but it’s my policy not to talk to the press.

I like keeping a low profile.

And no, it’s not just because I don’t have legs.

See? That’s exactly the kind of criminal prowess we should be showing off, right?

Imagine. “Seasoned Crook Too Scary to Show on Screen.”

[in deep, disguised voice] I might crack safes, but I never crack under pressure.

Wow. You are a truly terrifying criminal.

[gasps] I won’t be sleeping tonight!

[Snake] Hmm.

I mean, I’d never say anything so corny, but I do like the voice… a lot.

I bet we could squeeze in a safecracking exhibition too.

Well, you can count me out.

I’ve got mad beef with Channel 6 ever since they canceled Chester’s Playhouse.

Don’t ask about it.

Chester’s Playhouse?

[suspenseful music playing]

The children’s show I starred in as a kid!

Channel 6 canceled it after one episode!

Chester’s Playhouse was everything to me!

I was supposed to be a star!

I said don’t ask.

Fair point.

So, things didn’t work out for your show.

I’m sorry. I really am.

But isn’t this a chance to show them the talent they missed out on?

After all, aren’t you a star of disguise?

Uh, I was supposed to interview Mr. Shark about his disguise techniques?

Hello? Anyone?

Oh, but you are interviewing Shark.

I was the chair.

[gasps] Incredible! Oh!

What role can’t you play?

While I’ve currently misplaced my chair disguise…

It’s somewhere around here.

…I’m sure I can think of something.

Perfect! And no freaking out over Channel 6, right?

Uh-huh.

Great. We’re all set.

Au contraire, Wolf.

I don’t spill the beans for nobody.

Unless I’m cooking up my signature Spilled Bean Ragu, which does require me to spill some beans.

Plus, we’ve got a lot of big jobs coming up, and I would hate for someone… to let anything slip.

That’s actually good, because I don’t want you to say anything at all.

You don’t?

I just want you to drive.

[tires squealing]

I’m joined by Mr. Piranha to see what it takes to be a world-class getaway driver.

Wahoo! [laughs]

[traffic blaring]

[Tiffany screams]

[Tiffany gasps]

[Tiffany screams]

[laughs]

[Tiffany laughs]

I have been practicing my skid-mark art, but I guess I could try with car tires too.

Ew!

Gross!

You don’t have to worry about me, Wolf.

I am totally down to wow Tiffany Fluffit with my hacking.

You’d think it’s just about bypassing the firewall with randomized decryption, but you gotta spoof the IP address too, you dig?

[laughs nervously]

I do not.

But tell me, Webs, tech-genius extraordinaire, what exactly are you hacking?

Only the world’s largest and formerly most secure missile-defense system.

Target acquired.

[beep]

[missile whooshing]

Loved everything except the moon exploding.

Ah, no problem.

I can just make the missiles do a fun firework display.

Or blow up the moon.

No blowing up the moon!

So, we all agree.

We are gonna take this opportunity to show that we’re the baddest baddies around.

We pull this off, and we’ll be riding the waves of criminal fame.

Come on! Now serve me up some nasty looks.

[growling] [Snake hisses] I like what I’m seeing.

This interview is gonna change our lives!

You see, The Bad Guys don’t just commit crimes.

We live crimes.

We… We breathe crimes.

We are a crime.

[Snake] Does the box make me look stupid?

I better not look stupid. Tell me.

Do I look stupid? It’s stupid.

No.

You look really… bad.

Sorry, Mr. Snake.

I wasn’t really prepared for anonymous setups.

My colleague and lead anchor, Chuck Melon, sort of hogs all the good gear, so…

[kazoo honks] …this will have to do.

[Snake] And you think swallowing this obnoxiously large kazoo is really gonna disguise my voice?

How could it not?

[gulps]

[in squeaky voice]

Okay. How does it sound?

Come on, tell me.

Do I sound like a tough guy?

So, where were we?

Nowhere, ’cause I’m not gonna answer any questions.

That’s kind of the point of an interview.

[Shark sighs] Typical Channel 6.

[Snake] Oh, not this again.

Yes, this again!

So, Mr. Shark, you’re the team’s master of disguise?

I’ll ask the questions, thanks.

I’m here with Channel 6’s so-called “reporter,” Tiffany Fluffit.

Ms. Fluffit, our viewers would like to know, why did your TV network cancel the beloved children’s program Chester’s Playhouse?

What viewers?

And I don’t know what that is.

I thought I was here to talk about how you famously stole the Mona Lisa, disguised as the Mona–

How about how Channel 6 famously stole my childhood hopes and dreams?!

Elaborate on that.

[Snake muttering squeakily]

You said you were, like, the safecracking expert?

[chuckles] Okay.

It’s been, like, 45 minutes.

[Snake] I am an expert!

I just can’t see a dang thing!

Hey, where’d the safe go?

Whoop. You passed it.

Okay, so, while The Bad Guys have destroyed Peppy Sweet Pots’ factory and graffitied the art museum, I gotta ask, have you actually stolen anything as a team?

[scoffs] What?

We’ve stolen some big stuff.

Impressive stuff.

Like, um… [clears throat] …paper cups. Um…

[Snake] Anybody seen a large safe? [yelps]

[Piranha] I don’t squeak or leak nothing about myself.

Nada. Zilch.

Not even my favorite color, which is blue.

Ah, very clever, Ms. Fluffit.

Tricking me to gab about my personal life.

I haven’t said anything yet.

I guess blue just reminds me of my mama’s eyes.

Which were blue, by the way.

[horn blaring]

[tires screeching]

[gasps] Please watch the road.

And remember, we said no freaking out about Channel 6.

Uh-huh.

And we’re calm now?

In control of ourselves?

Uh-huh.

Good Shark.

I deserve answers!

I was supposed to be a star!

Just tell me why!

Shark, open up. Come here, come here.

And you know what else blue reminds me of?

We just got ahold of the blueprints for First Municipal Bank, which we’re robbing next Thursday at exactly five-forty–

Hey, buddy. Maybe don’t tell the world about our plans?

Makes it hard–

[horn blaring]

[Tiffany gasps]

[Wolf] I’m okay!

Speaking of upcoming heists, tomorrow, we’ve planned quite the bakery burglary.

This is not good.

[alarm wailing]

Why launch missiles at your own lair?

What?

[Webs] I wasn’t trying to aim at the lair.

Duh! I was aiming for the moon.

I specifically said not to do that!

I know!

Once I got going, I sort of couldn’t help myself.

When I went to type the moon coordinates, I brain-farted and put the lair’s.

[chuckles] It’s funny in retrospect.

No, it’s not. Fix it!

[whimpers]

Almost there.

Almost there.

Phew! Rerouted the missiles to deep space.

[chuckles] Should we, uh, get back to the interview, or what?

Yeah, I’m out. Cut!

Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany!

Tiffany, wait! Wait.

Oh, Tiffany! I just remembered, my mother’s eyes were green, not blue.

[chuckles] Can’t believe I messed that up.

Speaking of green, we got a heist planned at the Carlisle Golf Club next–

Shark is eating the camera again.

[Piranha] Tiffany!

[Wolf] Spit it out!

Enough!

[camera clatters]

I’m sorry, but it’s over.

It’s been pure chaos, we almost got blown up, and all I have to show for it is nonsense!

[sighs] I can’t believe I let you convince me to do this, Wolf!

[in squeaky voice]

Wait, wait, wait. This was your idea?

You’re the reason I sound like a possessed toy?

You did this to me?!

Okay, so, I fibbed a little bit when I said Tiffany reached out to us.

I reached out to her and asked–

You practically begged.

…and asked her to do it.

But it was for the benefit of the whole group.

[growling]

Are you practicing your nasty looks again?

Get him!

[yelling]

[Webs] Get him!

[Piranha] Where you going?!

[groans] This is why no one pays attention below the top five.

Tiffany, Tiffany! Tiffany, wait!

Uh-uh. No way.

No use trying to convince me to start the interview over.

Yeah. I guess we’re not exactly prime-time-ready.

It’s just, I know we’re awesome crooks, but I feel like we keep getting overlooked by more established groups.

I sort of get it.

Chuck Melon gets all the glory at Channel 6.

I’m a way better reporter than him, but he gets to cover all the top stories, like tomorrow’s World’s Largest Hot Dog reveal, while I’m stuck doing pieces on lowlifes.

No offense.

None taken.

[sighing] Oh, look.

I have to air something for my piece.

And any way I cut it, you’re not gonna come across the way you hoped.

Wait.

Instead of airing the interview, what if you just happened to catch a ragtag team of criminals, on camera, stealing the World’s Largest Hot Dog?

You get the big story.

Chuck Melon gets nothing.

The Bad Guys get the cred we deserve.

You in?

I can’t willingly be an accessory to a crime, Wolf.

But I’m not saying no.

And I’m not not saying we’ll be heisting the hot dog tonight after dark.

And I’m not not not saying that I won’t be there with my camera.

Well, it looks like we do have a disagreement?

I’m sort of getting confused actually.

[sighs] I’ll make it clear.

If you fail to steal that dog, I air your interview.

There’s no way you stay on the Worst of the Worst List then.

[hot dog sizzling]

[heist music playing]

[in squeaky voice]

So, let me get this straight.

You misled us about the interview with Tiffany Fluffit, we humiliated ourselves on camera, all because of you?!

Hey, what are–

[Snake choking]

[kazoo honking]

Sorry. Your voice was really annoying.

Oh… Oh…

So much better.

Anyway… Now the only way to stop the interview from going live is to work with you to steal this massive hot dog?

I messed up. I know that.

I shouldn’t have lied to you all.

I let my dream of being a famous crook get in the way of what really matters.

Getting better and better at pulling off notorious crimes that will make us famous.

And stealing this giant hot dog is one way of doing that.

I don’t expect you to forgive me.

Good, because I don’t.

And instead of getting touchy-feely, I’d rather bury my emotions in a good old-fashioned heist, so I’m in.

Working through my Channel 6 baggage has actually made me feel a lot better.

Just don’t ask me to hack anything.

I’m afraid of what I might do.

Piranha?

You know what? My mom’s eyes are black.

I remember my friend Alfred saying, “Why is your mom looking at me with those black eyes, like she’ll eat me?” [chuckles] Funny, I never saw him again after that.

Anyway, yeah, I’m in.

We might not be able to pull off an interview, but we sure as heck are gonna pull off this hot dog heist.

Cue the music.

[heist music playing]

[hot dog sizzling]

[sniffs]

Ooh! That hot dog smells delicious.

[chuckles] It’s torture.

Come on, Rhonda, you’re a professional. Focus!

[Shark] Hot dog!

Get your hot dog!

Anybody around here driven practically mad from the tempting, just-out-of-reach scents of the world’s largest, most delicious hot dog?

Why, me, specifically right now.

Oh, come on! Oh, can you just throw in…

Guard is immobilized.

My mom ate Alfred, didn’t she?

Moms, right?

Wolf, Snake, go for liftoff.

[chuckling]

You’re not afraid of heights, are you?

No, not usually, but maybe a little when all there is between me and being splattered on the ground is a discount jetpack.

Whoa! Kind of jumpy.

Hey, the guy I got ’em from told me they were “mostly functional.”

So… we’re good.

[jetpack sputtering, backfiring]

[Wolf screams]

[laughs]

[jetpack sputtering]

Huh?

[screams]

[screaming]

[both grunt]

Let’s go.

[Channel 6 Action News music playing]

Okay, here we go. Breaking news!

Tiffany Fluffit reporting live from the World’s Largest Hot Dog, where I, Tiffany Fluffit, through stellar investigative reporting, have stumbled upon a group of baddies in the act of stealing the jumbo meat.

Can they actually pull it off?

Will Chuck Melon have anything to report on tomorrow?

Have I alerted the authorities?

Stay tuned as the story develops.

This hot dog heist is going smoother than I expected.

I gotta hand it to you, Wolf, even if I am still sore you lied to us.

Stealing this puppy is gonna make us more famous than any interview would.

You know, since we have the spotlight, we should probably give the world a little taste of the highflying stuff we can do.

[Snake] Whoa!

Wolf, would you quit it with the fancy stuff?

Whoa!

[screams]

[chuckling] Wow! The Bad Guys are putting on a show tonight!

Whoa! Oops.

[grunts]

[grunting]

Well, at least we’re up here and not down there.

[jetpack backfiring, sputtering]

[screaming]

[Piranha] First Alfred, now Wolf and Snake?

I can’t keep losing friends.

I’m not that popular!

[screaming continues]

Oh! This is just like the plot of Chester’s Playhouse.

[in unison] How?

[screaming]

[sizzling]

[screaming]

[both grunt]

[gasps]

We’re alive!

You ain’t gonna be for long.

Get over here.

[grunting]

Let’s get out of here first.

Then you could do whatever horrible things you have planned.

Whoa!

Long way down.

Wolves always land on their feet.

People say that, right?

Uh, something like that.

[Wolf yells]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[yells, growls]

That’s for earlier.

[engine revving]

So, what now?

New plan. Think, think, think. Um…

[jetpacks sputtering] Um, dudes?

[gasps]

Did the hot dog just blast off?

[jetpacks sputtering]

[gasps] Run!

Drive!

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

The tables have turned, and the hot dog is seeking revenge on the wannabe crooks.

Who will win? The wiener or the weenies?

I’ll be bringing you all the action.

Follow that meat!

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

Go, go, go, go!

[gasps]

[jetpacks whooshing]

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

Wahoo! [laughs]

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

[gasps]

Oh! Me, an apex predator, killed by a hot dog?

I’ve humiliated my ancestors.

I always knew this gig was a one-way ticket.

I can’t die now.

I have so much left to steal!

At least we’re going out doing what we love. Heisting.

[whimpering]

[panting]

[crickets chirping]

Ugh! Come on!

Piranha, hey! Gross!

Ugh!

What are we going to do?

We can’t get away with this giant thing now.

I’m not giving up.

I got us into this mess.

I’m gonna get us out, whatever it takes.

Mm. [gulps] I mean, I am a little hungry.

Yeah, he’s suffered enough.

[Snake] Anybody got mustard?

[munching]

[Snake] That’s pretty good.

[Shark] Mm. Not bad.

[Wolf] One more bite…

[panting] …and it’s gone.

[grunts] We stole it.

[grunts] We just need to get it…

[munching]

[gulps] …down the old gullet.

[stomachs gurgling]

[suspension creaks] [engine starts]

[tires screeching]

In yet another twist, The Bad Guys have fled the scene and the giant dog is nowhere to be found.

Looks like they got away, not just with the World’s Largest Hot Dog, but with Chuck Melon’s big story tomorrow as well.

Sorry, Chuck.

[Channel 6 Action News music playing]

Have a nice day.

Coffee, please.

Hey, I know you. You’re that guy who stole the World’s Largest Hot Dog.

I saw you on the news.

Despicable, but impressive.

Hey, thanks. And thanks.

Uh, you gotta pay for that, pal.

Get back here!

Send the bill to The Bad Guys.

[growling]

[gasps, screams]

Punch it.

[engine revving]

[coffee splashes]

[Wolf] Ow! Hot! That’s hot coffee!

Why didn’t I get a lid?!

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E04 – This Means Chore | Transcript

Tired of living in a messy lair, Piranha creates a household chore wheel. (Sorry, Mr. Wolf, but planning the perfect heist will have to wait.)

[heist music playing]

I know we’ve been at this all night, but our next heist is gonna be the one that puts The Bad Guys on the map.

I’m sure of it.

[snoring]

[Wolf] You’re with me, Shark.

We just have to figure out what it is.

So, come on. There are no bad ideas here.

Sleep.

Huh?

[Snake grunts]

Okay.

I don’t know how we steal sleep, but I did say there was no bad ideas, so it goes on the list.

No, I need sleep.

You’re stealing it from me.

We can rest once we’re the best worst Bad Guys this town has ever seen.

And for that, we need a really big score.

[screams, grunts]

[jabbers, grunts]

[clattering]

[sighs]

Maybe, before we steal more stuff, we could clean up the loot we have?

Let’s just move.

Yeah, shouldn’t a real lair be big enough for all our loot?

This is a real lair.

It’s just, you know, a starter lair.

[clattering]

[chuckles] Which is exactly why we need to pull off a big heist, so we can move into the big league.

[gasps] I know! Let’s steal a better lair.

[sighs]

This is a perfectly good lair.

I mean, it’s bad… [splutters] Because we’re bad, not good.

Good at being bad. I…

Let’s all just get some sleep.

Tomorrow, we plan the heist to end all heists.

But if we end all heists, don’t we have to find new jobs?

Just go to sleep.

Good night.

[Shark] I don’t have a résumé or any real skills.

Anyone want some Sleepyfin Tea? Warm milk?

No?

Your loss.

[flies buzzing] [gasps]

[inhales deeply, exhales]

[retches] [flies buzzing] “Don’t open, trust me. Snake.”

[retches]

Just breathe.

[exhales] [gasps] Don’t breathe.

[retches]

Gah! I hate messes.

[sighs] Keep it together.

Don’t let this mess get the best of you.

[beep]

[orchestral music playing]

[flies buzzing]

[fly buzzes]

Couldn’t sleep either, huh, Snake?

[sips]

[retches]

I gotta stop falling for that.

It’s embarrassing. [sighs]

[grunts]

[creaking]

[screams]

[gasps]

[screams]

[distant scream]

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

I knew if we all put our heads together, we’d come up with the perfect score.

Lay it on us, Piranha.

If by “perfect” you mean “chore,” and “score” you mean “wheel,” then you’re right.

[sighs] It’s a chore wheel.

Oh, wow! So, so great!

Follow-up question. What is a chore wheel?

It’s pretty simple. Everyone takes a spin.

Whatever the arrow lands on is their chore.

You know, l-l-like cleaning? Yeah?

I think we can all agree the lair is a mess, a little bit?

Un poquito?

Is it?

As it should be.

I’m not messy, you’re messy.

This is worse than game night.

That is too messy, even though I clean up all the time!

And I’m not gonna do it on my own anymore!

I was told this was a team, man!

Hey, where you going?

I’m not done yelling!

As the newest member of the group, and the smallest, the mess thing can’t really be on me.

[trash creaking]

That could have been anyone.

What’s gotten into you, man?

The Piranha I know likes destruction, not whatever this is.

That guy brings dynamite to a food fight.

That’s work me.

At home, I like to kick back in my cozy spot after an honest day of thieving.

Look. We didn’t even realize we stole two of these.

That wouldn’t happen if we cleaned up around here.

Well, we did that on purpose.

Uh, they’re-they’re bookends.

[chuckles] But I see your point.

If we’re gonna be the baddest Bad Guys in town, we can’t steal things twice.

Which we totally didn’t do, because those are a set, like I said.

So, yeah.

I bet a clean slate will help us think up the perfect score.

As our leader, I’ll go first.

I was thinking about challenging you and taking over the gang, but I’m good now.

[choking]

Fixing the septic tank.

[retches] [groans] Tough break.

[retches]

Would not want to be Wolf right now.

Oh, this is just so awful!

I can’t bear it!

Follow-up question. What is a septic tank?

It’s where all the lair’s waste goes.

Like, from the toilet.

[humming tune]

Won’t be needing this anymore.

[flushing] Thank you, magic trash can.

Oh.

I mean, of course I knew that things you flush don’t magically disappear.

I haven’t been putting anything weird down the toilet.

Okay. Well, uh, not to worry. [chuckles] My uncle was a plumber.

As a young pup, I tagged along to help.

And, yes, by “help” I mean case the houses.

But I did pick up some plumbing knowledge, and my first stolen diamond.

Turned out to be a fake, but still.

Don’t use any drains until I finish.

And whatever you do, don’t flush the toilet.

Wolf did it.

You gonna let him show you up like that?

I don’t have anything to prove to you or anybody.

I’m doing it because I want to.

Cleaning the fridge. Could be worse.

What I win?

Organizing the loot.

Really? I never win anything!

[chuckles] This is great.

[scoffs] Never gonna happen.

[sighs] I’ll just spin for you.

Hey, cleaning the bathroom.

That leaves organizing the disguise closet to me.

Oh, lucky. I wish I’d won that.

I’ll eat my lucky hat before I clean a toilet.

Oh, that sounds like a challenge to me.

I’d be happy to cook up a nice hat casserole.

I’ve got a good recipe.

I’d like to see any of you even try to lay a finger on it.

[chuckling] Oh!

I’m going to get that hat.

Again, I have nothing to prove.

I just like headwear.

Let’s make this interesting.

If we can steal your hat, then you have to do your chore, plus all of ours.

That’s a funny story.

But I’ll steal whatever junk you care about before you even get close to my hat.

You think you can figure out what each of our most prized possessions are, and then steal them before we nab your silly hat? [scoffs] I’m more of a Bad Guy than the three of you combined.

So, yeah, I do.

[bones cracking]

Oh, it is very on.

[Piranha grunts]

[Snake hisses]

[Snake chuckles]

Yeah, go on.

We’ll give you a five-minute head start.

What? It could have worked.

[kisses]

Only good thing about nobody ever cleaning is that Snake will never find my most prized possession. [chuckles] That is, until Snake has to do my chore, because we’re definitely gonna win.

Okay. Been a while since I’ve done any plumbing.

Uh, actually, I’ve never plumbed.

But still, totally got this.

[humming tune]

Ugh!

Yeah.

[splashing]

[toilet flushing]

[grunts]

[screams]

That’s a lot.

[screams]

Here’s the plan.

I overpower Snake with my sweet stealth moves, and then you two grab the hat, we win.

The end.

Did you not… Stealth moves?

Yeah, yeah, I got it the first time.

And the third.

That’s not a plan. Snake’s smart.

We can’t just… [mutters]

[scoffs] I looked way cooler.

We need an actual plan.

[door shuts]

Relax.

We just gotta wait Snake out.

He’ll never guess what my most prized possession is.

I’m mysterious like that.

It’s your grandmother’s tooth.

Witch! How?

It’s hanging on a string around your neck.

You also did a one-shark show about it.

[clicks fin]

[music playing]

Your average shark has 300 teeth But my grandmother was like no other 3,000 teeth had she Better to face the dangers of the sea But this cuspid Was her most beloved

[gasps]

No!

[Snake cackles, hisses]

One down, two to go.

[yelling]

[beep]

[grunts]

[gasps] Witch!

How did you…?

We’ll never win that way.

As I was saying, we need a plan.

Oh. What new streaming service is this?

Wait, that’s my room.

No fair. I want to be on TV.

Do you have a camera in my room?

No. I have multiple cameras.

Uh… Is that not a normal thing to do?

I’m new to having a team.

Just figured a good teammate knows what her besties are up to at all times.

Any-hoo, focusing on Snake, who’s the one we’re mad at right now, right?

I’m not sure anymore.

He is, and he’s up one.

But we can still win if we play smart.

Okay, but I have to change first.

Without the pendant, this ensemble is wrecked.

Hmm. Speaking of wrecked.

Remember when I said not to flush the toilet?

Thanks, magic trash can.

Abracaflush.

The magic trash can?

I couldn’t help myself.

No more flushing the toilet!

Very, very bad things happen when you do that!

Got it?

Good.

I trust you.

[door slams]

How am I supposed to find anything in this mess?

Off to the magic trash can with these.

[door shuts]

[sighs] Hmm.

[dial clicking]

Okay. Easy. Easy, now.

I just want to figure out what’s clogging you and get this over with.

[groans] I live with a bunch of animals.

I am the only one with fur.

Am I losing fur in the shower?

[chuckling] Okay, that’s not mine.

Unless I’m going gray?

Wait. Is that one of Shark’s wigs?

Who flushes a wig down the toilet?

Uh, is that a USB cable? Webs!

[groans] Are you kidding me, Piranha?

It’s okay to have two.

Snake? Come on!

Everyone using the toilet as a trash can?

No wonder it’s so clogged.

[sighs]

[Shark humming tune]

Shark!

No more magic trash can!

Oh, I’ve been looking for that.

[in gruff voice] I mean…

Sorry, I-I can’t hear you.

I also don’t know who you are because I’m in character. Gotta go!

Piranha!

What is going on? Why aren’t you cleaning?

Hey! Get back here!

[tank gurgling]

Just an honest fisherman trying to catch my family’s dinner.

Hey! I’m nobody’s dinner.

[Shark] But my family hasn’t eaten in days.

Why are you even in disguise?

Don’t question my process!

[scoffs] I’m the one who should be insulted.

Lowering on webs from the ceiling is kind of my thing.

He’s on the move. Positions!

[Piranha gasps]

[reeling]

[Webs] Wait for it.

He always nukes his breakfast push pop.

He calls it his morning push-me-up. [chuckles] Pretty dumb.

The sound of the microwave will cover you.

[retches]

Oh, no.

What’s wrong?

[grunts]

Uh, nothing’s wrong.

Just focus on the hat, Piranha.

Just the hat. You have 30 seconds.

Twentynine.

Twenty-eight. Twenty-seven.

Twenty-six.

[microwave beeps] Nice of you to drop in.

[gasps] My teacup!

You really stashed your tea set someplace safe.

Good thing…

[slurps]

…I’m a safecracker.

You give that back to me right now!

I’d be happy to.

Just forget all this chore wheel business.

Oh, and admit that I’m the better Bad Guy.

[grunts] Never!

Too bad.

Guess I’ll just have to prove it to you.

[Piranha grunts]

Which won’t be hard, since I only have one last item to steal.

Whatever junk Webs cares about.

[grunting]

Whoo! I’ve got a live one.

Bertha, get the net!

In this scene, I have a wife named Bertha.

Whoa!

[scoffs] Amateur.

I told you I should have done it.

And stop fighting.

You’re just making things worse.

[Piranha screams]

[Snake cackles]

[cackles]

[retches]

[gasps]

[grunts]

Are you going to hurl?

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Happened to me when I first learned to spin webs as a spiderling.

I’m not gonna hurl.

But my brain did just hurl up an idea.

[gasps, grunts]

Digging in the trash?

And you act like you’re the clean one.

I am. But we have to play dirty if we’re gonna beat Snake.

[chuckles] I’ve never played dirt before.

Played a sand dune once at a beach heist.

Became best friends with a seagull.

No, not like actual…

[sighs] Never mind.

Shark, I have the role of a lifetime for you.

Webs, since your thing is the only thing he hasn’t gotten, I’m sorry, you have to be the bait.

Are you kidding?!

I’ve always wanted to be bait.

It’s number 12 on my list of things to do once I had a team.

Keep him distracted, but get him to the bathroom in 20 minutes.

Shark, your job is to let him in, but only once I give you the signal.

What’s the signal?

Oh, you’ll know when it happens.

I’m all for theatrics, but not telling us feels unnecessarily dramatic.

Is that even possible?

Can your tech do non-spying stuff?

We should be out pulling heists, but instead, I’m cleaning up their messes.

What are they doing flushing all this junk down the toilet?

[sighs] [grunts] Hmm.

[grunts]

Who flushes a diamond down the…

Oh… right.

[sirens wailing]

Got to get rid of the evidence.

[chuckles]

[flushing]

Maybe the tank being clogged is a little my fault too.

I can’t believe what you’re saying.

[Webs] Keep your voice down.

We don’t want you-know-who to hear where I keep my you-know-what.

How can you tell me to be quiet at a time like this?

Be cool.

And as long as my favorite thing also stays cool, Snake will never find it.

[cackles, hisses]

[humming] Ah.

Not so smart after all, are you, Webs?

It’s got to stay cool, eh? [chuckles]

[mutters]

How can any of this junk be your favorite thing?

[squeaking] Oh, hello, gorgeous.

[muttering] What’s this?

“Hi, Snake.”

“Hi, Snake”?

[gasps, hisses]

That eight-legged rat tricked me into doing her chore.

[grunts]

Huh?

[cackles]

[beeping]

Just a regular old plumber, plumbing stuff.

Definitely not waiting on some kind of signal.

[flushing]

[tank gurgling]

[sighs] I deserve this one.

[gasps] Hmm.

This is obviously another one of Webs’ tricks, so I shouldn’t follow them. [chuckles] Unless that’s exactly what she’d want me to do.

Oh, did Wolf say something about the toilet and not flushing it?

Is that why the lights went out?

Or was that the signal?

[banging on door]

[gasps]

No one’s here!

I mean, no one important.

Just Ron, a humble plumber.

Humble plumber. Humble plumber.

Those vocal exercises are paying off.

[Snake] Come on, Shark. Open up.

I said my name is Ron.

[grunting]

[grunts]

[gurgling]

Come on. Come on. It’s got to be here.

Oh, what’s that, sir I’ve never met before?

You know exactly what I’m looking for.

And if you’re not going to help me find Webs’ thing, then leave.

A plumber never quits until the job is done.

[water sloshing]

Hmm. Hey.

[flushing] Done.

[tank gurgling] Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Who keeps flushing?

[Shark gasps]

What do you know? Spill it.

You’re not that good an actor.

Those are pretty big words for somebody without a hat.

What? How?

[gasps]

Huh?

Hmm.

[grunts]

[yells]

[grunts]

Nice try. Ready to give up?

[sighs] I hate to say it, but you really are the better Bad Guy… at losing hats!

What the…?

[gasps]

Now, that’s what I call a plan.

We actually beat Snake.

Not that I ever thought we wouldn’t.

I didn’t think we would.

That guy steals in his sleep.

The doctors call it Sleptomania.

He’s always setting off my motion-sensor cameras at night.

We need to have a talk about privacy, and respecting it.

That hat looks terrible on you.

You don’t have the inherent cool factor to pull it off.

I feel plenty cool, but also a little itchy.

Don’t you ever wash this thing?

I think we both know that hygiene is a pretty low priority for me.

[cackles, hisses]

I lost fair and square.

I’ll do the chores.

But I just gotta know.

Webs, what is your favorite thing?

Hanging out with my new friends.

Uh, you guys.

By even trying to steal it, you gave me more, because we spent the day together.

Aww!

Well, then I’ll steal it by not hanging out with you anymore.

Or, if you wanted some help, I’d be down to tag along and do the chores with you.

I actually love cleaning.

And cleaning with friends is two great things combined.

I already organized the disguise closet and cleaned the bathroom.

And Webs tricked me into cleaning out the fridge.

Respect, by the way.

I guess that just leaves organizing the loot.

That’s more your style.

I have to admit… [hisses] …the lair does smell better.

What? Snakes have a highly attuned sense of smell.

This dump has gone from “sad gym” to “romcom B&B.”

[Snake hisses]

Hey, hey, hey! Wolf, come on, man.

You’re making a mess.

Yeah, you gotta clean that up.

I’m making a mess?

Yeah, okay, I flushed a few things.

But you?

You’re the ones who flushed every last thing down the toilet!

You know how long it took me to unclog…

Wait.

How did it get so clean in here?

Where did all the mess go?

You didn’t flush it down the toilet?

No.

No way.

Yes, we did.

[snarls]

[chuckles] Don’t you do it!

[yelling]

[Snake] Oh, it’s all over my hat!

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E05 – The Webs, the Wigglesworth and the Wardrobe | Transcript

After bungling a heist, Webs is worried the team might want to kick her out — so she asks a legendary escape artist to teach them all some new tricks.

[heist music playing]

[suspenseful heist music playing]

[Wolf cackles]

I gotta say, the last few heists have been pretty rough, with us getting caught, but this one’s a nice easy-in, easy-out.

[guard] Freeze! Put your hands in the air!

[Shark gasps] I got it!

[Snake grunts]

[Shark gasps] [groans] Don’t got it.

[keyboard clacking]

[Wolf] Webs! Piranha! Code very, very red.

We got caught, again.

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Yeah, we figured.

I’m working on a way to escape.

No need, Wolf. You’ve got a genius hacker on the team, remember?

Batter up!

I’ve whipped up some cutting-edge car-hacking tech.

Just go along with the guard, get in the van, and I’ll steer it to the lair.

Get in the police van?

We’re sort of trying not to do that.

Just trust me.

There’s no tech I can’t hack, and this stanky old police van is no exception.

[Piranha panting]

I kind of need to get in on this.

Huh?

You think I’d let my Fin Bro get arrested without me? Not a chance.

Aww!

[Piranha grunts]

Well, if it isn’t The Bad Guys.

What brings you back here?

[laughter]

Oh, Gary, always with the jokes.

You know the answer is crime.

[laughter] Stop getting chummy with the cops!

[tires screeching]

[engine thrumming]

[chuckles]

Uh-oh.

“Uh-oh”? What’s “uh-oh”?

It’s a sound that means “something’s gone wrong.”

I know. I know that. What’s wrong?

Remember when I said there’s no tech I can’t hack?

Well, this van’s so old, it doesn’t really have tech.

Oh, great. A hacker who can’t hack.

[Piranha grunts]

[siren wailing]

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

[chuckling awkwardly]

Well, that was a total fluke.

My car-hacking software always works.

Sorry about jail, but at least it makes our lair feel like a five-star hotel.

[both sigh] I can’t sleep on those prison beds.

They’re so tiny and wet.

And why are they made out of porcelain?

Buddy, were you sleeping in the toilet?

Well, no more toilet-sleeping for you, because we are not failing another escape.

But Gary the Guard’s birthday is coming up.

The Fin Bros wanted to surprise him with a gift.

The Fin Bros can mail it.

The Fin who?

Before you joined the team, Piranha and I realized only we have fins.

From then on, we’ve been best fins forever.

We haven’t done much with the concept, but we should.

[gasps] What if we came up with a secret fin-shake?

Bro!

Right, bro?

[both grunt]

Love the energy, but let’s channel it into a team brainstorming sesh.

We’re getting in places, but we’ve got to work on our getaways.

If we want to be elite criminals, we’ve got to stop going to jail.

So, first thing tomorrow morning, I want your best ideas on how to improve our escape methods.

[Fin Bros grunt]

[in unison] Best fins swim upstream!

[grunts, laughs]

Wahoo! Yeah!

Oh, sorry. Just another Fin Bros thing from before you joined.

You wouldn’t get it.

Like an inside joke? I totally get those.

Wolf and I kind of have one.

Best Fur Bros.

You know, because we both have fur.

Right, Wolf? Fur Bros shed upstream!

[Wolf chuckles]

Come on.

Not a chance.

J.K. You’re already talking to Snake.

Cool, cool, ’cause I’m talking with Shark and Piranha.

Let’s try left fin to left fin, slap, pound, slap.

[Piranha] My left or yours?

[Shark] Both?

[chuckling awkwardly] Yeah.

Oh, great conversation we’re all having.

[Wolf] …on the pizza. That’s genius.

[Snake] Now, that’s a good idea.

Phew! Uh, I am pooped.

Just gonna head to my room.

[Fin Bros] Best fins swim upstream!

[Wolf] Okay, so…

[laughter]

[Webs groans]

First, my tech fails, and then “Fur Bros shed upstream”?

What was I thinking? So stupid.

[sighs] Just calm down.

The team loves you.

They even remembered your birthday.

Wait. That was Gary’s birthday. Whatever.

The point is everything’s fine, as the secret cameras you planted all over the lair will show.

[beep]

That last heist was a disaster.

Webs? [chuckles] Totally flubbed the escape.

Yeah, we’ve been caught a lot because of Webs…

[gasps, yells]

Way to go, Webs.

You’ve always been the weird, loner indoor kid.

And you finally found a fellow group of weirdos to commit crimes with, but now you’re blowing it.

[gasps]

What if the team decides that, as the newest member, they don’t need me, and kick me out?

[sighs] Get it together!

You’re Webs.

You can fix this.

With the perfect idea for Wolf’s brainstorm tomorrow.

We need to get good at escaping.

Great at escaping. Like…

Like the greatest escape artist of all time.

[fingers clicking]

It’s brainstorm time.

[tapping board]

Where’s Webs?

Probably the bathroom.

I just cleaned it, so it’s hard to resist.

I do love a blank canvas.

[wardrobe creaking]

[Webs grunting]

[grunting] Come on! Come on!

Uh, need any help there, Webs, with, uh…

What is it that you’re doing?

We need help escaping.

[grunts] Which got me thinking.

Who’s the greatest escape artist in history?

[grunts] Heistory.

[sighs] Missed it!

[Webs grunts]

Wait. You don’t mean…?

I do.

No one’s heard from him in years, and he’s a bigwig, so it wasn’t easy to track him down.

But leave it to a tech-nowiz like me, and…

Introducing the most notorious magician and criminal escape artist of all time, the magnificent Mr. Wigglesworth!

Uh… Um…

Salutations!

[fingers clicking] [Shark] Huh?

[Wigglesworth] And hello.

I can’t believe it’s you!

That time you vanished with an entire bank?

One of my all-time favorite heists.

I mean, aren’t you the only criminal ever to escape Owlcatraz Island, the more than maximum security prison?

I thought you died in that failed aquatic coffin escape.

I did, but only so I could attempt an even more impressive feat.

Escaping death!

And here I am.

[in unison] Fincredible.

Will you sign my copy of Escape From Owlcatraz Island Monthly?

Mr. Wigglesworth agreed to teach us the art of escape.

Great thinking, Webs.

Nice one, Fin Sis.

Way to go, Websy.

Ha. That’s me, brimming with helpful ideas that empirically improve the team.

I can teach you to be master escape artists for three easy payments of 9.99 and an upfront security deposit of $5,000, plus a waiver.

And I’ll also sign your magazine… for an extra 20.

[Wolf gasps, chuckles]

[gasps] Whoa! Hey! [chuckles] Let’s do it.

We should make the most of me having brought a legendary criminal to help us.

I mean, that’s a lot of money.

[Wigglesworth] Come now.

You could go from that…

Hey!

Get this off me!

…to this!

[gasps] Wow!

Sign us up, Mr. Wigglesworth.

Wonderful.

Then which room will magically be transforming into mine for the duration of my stay?

[in unison] Huh?

My course involves 24hour intensive training.

I’ll need to reside here if it is to work.

You strike me as a fellow with a clean, well-appointed room.

I’ll use yours.

It would be an honor.

[Piranha snoring]

Welcome to your first lesson.

This is gonna be good!

Often when escaping, one requires a key.

Why, you might ask?

Well, most commonly, for unlocking a lock.

Imagine, then, having many keys on hand.

What lock couldn’t you unlock?

Wigglewazam!

Where did he get those?

Right?

We have to carry that around?

In a sense.

But a ring of keys this large is quite hard to hide.

Which is why you’ll be swallowing them and carrying them via stomach.

Huh. You’ve caught my attention.

Swallow this? That seems kind of impo–

[Snake burps]

Then how come I’m done?

Hmm. All this swallowing has me in the mood for a snack break.

[munches]

Uh, hey there, Mr. Wigglesworth.

You’re, like, legit, right?

Because that handcuff trick was cool, but, uh, I-I mean, swallowing keys?

Really?

This is going somewhere, right?

Webs, I’m sensing…

[Wigglesworth grunts]

I’m sensing that something is troubling you.

You are? Oh, of course you are.

It’s just, uh, I’m the newest member of The Bad Guys, and I messed up big on our last heist, and everyone’s got more experience and finbased inside jokes.

[chuckling] Just as I suspected.

You’re my idea to remind everyone that I contribute to the team.

I need your course to work, because, if it doesn’t, we’re both getting booted.

Out of this comfortable lair, with its roof and functioning toilet?

[chuckles]

That is quite a pickle. I want to…

I-I mean, I want you to stay here.

And I can help.

You can?

Keep me around for the duration of my lengthy, but effective, course, and I’ll prestochango The Bad Guys into the best of crooks, and make you look good in the process.

You’ve got a deal.

The next step to mastering escape is overcoming the body’s weakness.

Yeah! Boo, weakness!

Go on, Shark.

Come on, go!

[Shark gulps]

[sizzling]

Go, Fin Bro!

[Shark screams]

Oh, no!

[whimpering] It’s been, like, an hour.

Uh! You can’t rush lesson-planning.

He brainstorms best in the bath.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

The ability to operate soundlessly will help you evade detection on heists.

To test your silence, I shall nap.

If even the slightest noise wakes me, you fail.

[snoring]

[hisses, growls]

Huh?

[Snake grunts] Shh!

[wailing] Why did I try this again?

The key to success is persistence and belief.

What feels like failure is often just a step towards victory, so keep going.

Yeah, we can’t give up.

We have to keep trying.

My car-hacking tech failed once, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get it to work.

[grunting]

That’s it. Don’t stop now.

Escape is 90% desire, 10% perspire.

I’ll be clipping these claws in my room, while you get out of those restraints.

What?! I agreed for you to sleep in my room, not pollute it with your nasty corns!

This is probably just part of Mr. Wigglesworth’s methods, right?

That’s correct.

I am providing Piranha with a true desire to escape.

[Piranha gnashes] Webs, you’re quite perceptive.

Don’t let this one go.

[bell dings]

[Piranha growls]

[toenails clipping]

[Wigglesworth groans]

Quite crusty.

[Piranha yells]

This is ridiculous.

I think it’s time to kick that coot to the curb.

No! We have to finish his course.

You can’t just force someone out after one mistake.

Right, Wolf?

Uh…

See? Wolf agrees with me.

[Wolf] Maybe Webs is right.

No, something doesn’t feel right.

What is this? What’s…?

[Snake groans]

That geezer used my hat for tricks?

He may be a legend, but he’s become a real nuisance.

These last few weeks really have me rethinking my no-human diet.

Wait. It’s already been three weeks since Wigglesworth got here?

[woman on TV] Gerbils on pizza? Monster!

[Wolf] We need to talk.

[button clicks] Yes, yes, of course.

Right after an impromptu lesson on the long stall.

A good escape artist always needs a long stall, which is, to clarify, a way to buy yourself extra time to escape.

Which is, to clarify–

Wait a second. Are you long-stalling me?

Sometimes the best way to learn is to experience, dear pupil.

[growls] You’re gonna tell me what’s going on.

There hasn’t been any training in days.

You’re eating our food, sleeping in Piranha’s bed.

[sighs] Truth be told, I’m just here trying to keep a roof over my head.

You see, my criminal career is a flop.

What?

But you escaped Owl–

Technically, I was released from Owlcatraz Island on good behavior.

And after I ratted out my criminal friends.

But that’s still escaping, in my book.

Anyhoo, I’ve ridden the coattails of that escape as long as I could, but as my fame dwindled, work dried up.

I’d been between gigs for so long when Webs found me, that I had to milk it.

We are out of milk, FYI.

No wonder they say not to meet your heroes.

I want our deposit back, and I want you gone.

Oh, dear. I’ve already spent it all.

How did you burn through $5,000 so fast?

Most definitely not on a hot tub. Uh…

Unrelated, but is there a water hookup in this room?

That’s it! [grunts] [whimpers]

[whimpers]

[Wolf panting]

Got you! What?

I’m not falling for one of your tricks.

Come out now.

[Wigglesworth grunts]

I get claustrophobic!

I’m sorry. This is just temporary.

Until, uh, I come up with a plan, which I’m going to do, after a few more baths.

[banging in wardrobe]

[sighs] Ooh. Okay.

[Wigglesworth] Hello, fellow Bad Guys!

Excuse me?

“Fellow”?

You haven’t heard?

Wolf is so pleased with my contributions to this team that he’s made me a permanent member.

[in unison] What?

Can he do that?

Yeah, Wigglesworth, that wasn’t part of our agreement.

Uh, not that we had one, h-him and I.

Who are we even talking about?

Wolf. And now he’s making group decisions behind our backs.

Where is that furball?

Oh, I’m gonna knock some sense into him.

I’ll, uh, take you right to him.

[door creaks]

Huh? What is this?

You were supposed to take me to Wolf, not your kooky wardrobe.

And I have. He’s right… here!

Hey!

Let go of me! Hey, get your hands off me!

[banging in wardrobe]

[Webs] Hey.

[gasps] Do you know where Wolf and Snake are?

I finally figured out how to hack vehicles.

I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, Webs, but… they’ve left to do a heist without you.

They did?

I overheard them.

You were right about being on thin ice.

But don’t worry.

We still have our plan.

Right. Yeah. [chuckles awkwardly] Thanks for the heads-up.

[munches]

Hey, Mr. Wigglesworth.

I have a question about something I’ve noticed is missing.

M-m-missing?

My Fin Bro thinks you know where he can find it.

I assure you, I do not.

But you do.

I’m missing out on maximizing my stage presence, and I love your props.

Where do you get your…

Exactly! Like a smoke bomb. [coughs] Weird time to demo

[coughs] Piranha? Wiggles

[screams]

[clattering]

[door creaks]

Is that Snake’s hat?

But he’d never do a job without it. Hmm.

[keyboard clacking]

You see, my criminal career is a flop.

[gasps]

He wasn’t hard to find because he’s a VIP.

He was hard to find because he’s washed-up!

[Wolf grunts] Hey! Hey!

[grunts] Hey! Let go of me!

Hey, get your hands off me!

[Webs grumbles]

Shark? Piranha?

I need your help.

Where are they?

I’m so sorry to tell you this, Webs, but they’ve also left to do a heist without you.

Seriously?

Perhaps you should just forget about getting in The Bad Guys’ good graces.

We could team up instead.

Oh, sorry.

I meant, “Seriously? You think I’d fall for the same thing twice?”

Yes?

No!

I admit, I made a big mistake last heist, and then made a bigger mistake by getting caught up in it, then the biggest mistake by letting you trick me while I was down.

But that doesn’t matter anymore.

I need to save my friends.

Me? Trick you?

Webs, I would never.

Can it!

I reviewed our security footage and saw you throw Wolf and Snake in your creepy wardrobe.

I went to help them, but it’s gone.

Tell me what you did.

Oh, I can’t take it anymore!

I’m not a bad guy.

Well, I am, but not a “bad, bad guy.”

I… I didn’t plan on any of this.

I’m just hungry and confused, and I don’t know what I’m doing.

Your friends are in a prison van.

I turned them in for some trumped-up crimes.

What?!

It was for my health.

There was this strange tugging feeling in my chest whenever I looked at the wardrobe.

I felt sort of bad about my own actions?

Are you talking about guilt?

What have I done?

You’re going to help me fix this.

Then you’re going to get out!

I say, I’m starting to understand how you feel, like maybe I’m not wanted around here.

You’re not!

Don’t even try to compare us.

You’re a conniving moocher, I work hard.

And I’m great at what I do.

So zip it and get in the car, because I can’t reach the pedals… or the wheel.

[tires screeching]

[horn blaring]

I’m trying to patch and upload an advanced, wireless car-hacking program onto a micro satellite dish, and your swerving is messing me up.

[Wigglesworth] Sorry.

This turny thing is confusing.

You mean the steering wheel?

Uh… You’ve driven before, right?

Ooh! I can see the police van up ahead.

It’s going quite fast.

I’ll press the go-go pedal and see if we can catch up.

Leave it to me.

[beep]

[buzzer]

Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

[brakes squealing]

[grunting]

[Snake] Whosever hand that is, move it!

[Piranha] Is there a toilet in here?

[phone chimes]

Webs is here to save us.

She’s asking us to handle the driver.

How? We can barely move.

[grunts] Yeah.

This is tighter than those ropes.

That’s it! Wigglesworth’s toenails.

Bro, things are bad enough without you bringing that up.

Wrong.

We need things to be even worse so we have a true desire to escape, just like Wigglesworth said.

Piranha, I hate to do this to us, but any chance you could…?

[grunts] There’s more to me than just farts, you know. But fine.

[farting]

[banging]

[Piranha] Even I hate it!

[Wolf] I can’t breathe! No!

[gasping]

Ah, wow. Oxygen.

What’s going on back there?

[Shark] Sorry about this, Gary.

But Piranha and I are still sending you a birthday present.

Aww! Thanks, Fin Bros. I–

[Gary grunts]

[clattering]

[chuckling] Hey!

[Gary] See you, Fin Bros!

[hisses] Huh? Wait a minute.

Who’s gonna drive this thing now?

Webs is handling it.

[horn blaring]

[inhales deeply, exhales]

You can do this, Webs.

[keyboard clacking]

[tires screeching]

[laptop chimes]

Huh. It works!

Well, of course it works. I’m a genius!

Let’s get you home.

[beeping]

[tires screeching]

[Wolf] Who said spiders couldn’t drive?

[Shark] That’s what I’m talking about!

[Wolf] Piranha, we’ll talk about your diet.

But I gotta say, it feels great to have escaped that wardrobe.

It did seem cramped in there.

[growling] Is it a good time to reveal that this was all my final test, to see if you could utilize your skills in the real world? [chuckles awkwardly] Get lost!

[growling]

[Wigglesworth whimpers]

[sighs] Finally.

But if you think I’m going anywhere, you’ve got another thing coming.

This team needs me.

Yeah, we know. [chuckles] What made you think we didn’t?

Uh, I don’t know. Snake’s snarky remarks?

All your inside jokes I don’t get?

And me overhearing you say we’ve been getting caught a lot because of me.

When did we say…? Oh. Oh!

[chuckling] Oh! You…

Webs, you need to listen to the rest of that conversation.

You keep the security-cam footage.

Hello! Did you not just hear me?

I don’t care what you say. I’m awesome!

Yeah. That’s what we were saying.

Wait, what?

Yeah, we’ve been caught a lot because of Webs… helping us get into way more places since she joined.

She’s got talent.

I’m sure she’ll have the techno what’s-it of hers up to snuff soon.

Then we’ll nail the getting-out part too.

Ah. Well, this is embarrassing.

And just so you know, my snark is how I show affection, without actually having to show affection.

And Snake and I both think the Fin Bros thing is super obnoxious, so you’re better off not getting it.

To be honest, I don’t get it.

Shark comes up with stuff and I go along with it.

What? I thought you were coming up with stuff that I was going along with.

[laughs]

[in unison] High fin!

Sorry, Webs. You’re stuck with us.

Yes! Um… I can live with that.

[keyboard clacking]

Shh!

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E06 – It’s a Hard Heist Life | Transcript

When an anti-aging cream transforms Snake into an adorable baby, the Bad Guys use his cuteness to try and pull a long con on a childless baron.

[heist music playing]

[tires screeching]

[engine idling]

[heist music playing]

[hollow knocking]

[gasps] My bad! I thought I deactivated all the security measures.

This is one well-guarded dentist office.

[grunting] Not a dentist office.

Really?

So I didn’t need to pull that guy’s tooth?

Does no one listen to my pre-heist game plans?

You do those?

No.

This a high-tech pharmaceutical lab that just developed a cream that replicates the properties of the fountain of youth.

We’re gonna steal it and turn it into cold, hard cash.

Oohhoohoo!

We should keep some for ourselves, because good skincare is priceless.

And you’ve all made it no secret that my ingénue days are behind me.

[lock turning]

With all this security, there’s got to be more primo loot to steal.

I haven’t really satisfied my steal-all-I-can-while-I-can itch yet.

[Snake hisses]

Snake, we got it.

Let’s get out while we’re ahead.

You worry too much, Wolfie.

Let me just grab a few more things.

It will be f–

Whoa! [grunts]

[beeping]

Snake!

[gasps]

[gas hissing]

[gasps] Oh, no. He’s… adorable!

Me? Adorable?

[yelling] No!

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

Thanks for the longest car ride of my life, Piranha. It was so, uh…

What’s the opposite of fun?

I will not apologize for driving safely with such precious cargo on board.

[in baby talk] Who’s a good little baby Snakey! Yes, you are!

[Snake hisses]

I hate this! We gotta figure out a way to change me back.

Look on the bright side, Snake.

Now you can get away with way more crime.

No one suspects a baby of being a master thief.

[laughs] Yeah. Where would they even stash their loot? Their diaper?

Should we all start wearing diapers?

Hang on. That gave me an idea.

Might be the first good idea anyone in this group has ever had.

Okay. Offensive.

We could take advantage of me being an adorable little twerp to pull off a BBBG.

[gasps] An IRL BBBG?

Ooh! I thought the BBBG was only a myth, like the benefits of vitamins.

Are you spelling things so I won’t understand?

Because that is not KEWL!

He’s talking about the Baby Basket Baron Gambit.

The Baby Basket Baron Gambit?

The most infamous long con of all time.

The BBBG makes an LLLG look like a PPOK.

The BBBG is simple.

You start by leaving a child on the doorstep of a wealthy, childless baron.

You know, barons.

Richie Rich tycoons who amass colossal wealth to fill the hole in their hearts?

The crooked kid slowly embeds into the baron’s life in order to find out where he keeps his most prized possessions.

Blinded by love, the baron suspects nothing as the kid steals said possessions, before disappearing under the cover of night.

That sounds awesome.

I want to do the BBBG!

No way! We’re not doing a BBBG!

Let’s move on!

[clattering]

Can we all pretend I said that in a non-shouty way?

It feels like we’re overlooking the fact that we just pulled off a successful heist.

Plus, I made some calls and have contacts willing to fence the cream for us.

Or they’re on the fence about us.

[chuckling] I didn’t have great reception.

Either way, we should be celebrating, and figuring out a way to turn Snake back into his hideous, adult self.

Don’t worry about me, Wolfie.

A few cups of coffee and a week’s worth of world news will age me up in no time.

Right now, we should focus on the BBBG.

You okay, Wolf? Your eye is twitching.

And a minute ago, you shouted at the top of your lungs in a passionate rage.

Is something from your past driving your decision-making?

[scoffs] No.

Great. Okay, so–

It all happened when I was just a pup.

My mentor and I tried to pull a BBBG.

Things were going well, but then I got in too deep.

Once I was on the inside, there was so much to steal, I lost track of the actual target.

I didn’t know where the BBBG ended and I began.

[light switch clicks]

Ahem! Dramatic monologues are my thing.

Right. Anyway, my mentor had to blow my cover and pull me out.

The whole thing was a disaster.

And I vowed never to try a con like that ever again.

I hear you, Wolf.

You were a failure in the past.

But The Bad Guys have done just about every type of crime there is.

Heists, burglaries, larceny, petty and grand.

Fraud, putting mayo on everything, using speakerphones in public, piracy, both kinds.

Not respecting TGIF, leaving the toilet seat up, wet willies, dry willies, humid Steves, grand theft auto.

Buffet-sneezing, undertipping, and crimes of fashion. Can’t forget that.

But we’ve never done a con.

How can we call ourselves real criminals if we haven’t pulled a con?

And besides, this time, I’ll be the one on the inside, and you’ll be…

Your mentor.

You’ll have to follow my plan and do what I say. I’m in!

Uh… Fine.

All we need now is to find a childless baron.

[Webs] Got one!

What? I have a news alert for newly arrived barons, recently departed bishops, and limited-edition sneaker drops.

His name is Baron von Tuskington.

Just moved to town, and is always photographed wearing this crown.

I’m sure it’s worth a pretty penny.

There’s crowns, and then there’s crowns.

Wowie!

Well, we’ve got our target.

[in unison] Looks like The Bad Guys are…

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

Well, I was thinking I would say it, since it was my idea.

Sure thing. Go ahead.

Looks like The Bad Guys are pulling…are pulling a con!

[brakes squeaking]

[engine stops]

Okay, everyone remember the plan.

Webs, you’re going in as Snake’s stuffed animal.

Once you’re inside, set up your cameras so we find where the baron keeps that crown.

Copy.

Snake, I know it’s hard, but you’re supposed to be a kid, so you have to act like a little kid.

Look how hideously adorable I am.

How could this not work?

And remember, don’t let yourself get in too deep.

The target is the crown. The crown.

Say it back to me. Crown.

Wolf, come on. I know what I’m doing.

All right.

The BBBG is a go.

[Baron] Debra! The door! It made a noise!

Deb?

[door unlocking]

Oh! Did I do it right?

I never opened a door before.

[chuckles] It’s fun!

[laughing enthusiastically]

[Baron gasps]

Oh, dear!

An abandoned orphan at my doorstep.

I’m afraid you’ve come at a terrible time.

My girl Friday, Debra, has left to “explore other opportunities,” and… you see, she usually handles this sort of thing.

[chuckles awkwardly]

I’m sure you understand.

[endearing music playing]

What? It’s not like I can just a-adopt…

[jaunty music playing]

[sighs] Was it impulsive for me to adopt a random child left at my door? Perhaps.

But they said the same thing about me buying that soda factory just so I could force it to stop making root beer.

I mean, who likes root beer?

Like, no one.

Root beer is for suckers.

[laughs] See! That’s why you’re my boy.

Good night, my precious son.

[Snake yawns]

[endearing music playing]

Told you this would be a piece of cake. [hisses] Just don’t lose focus. What’s the target?

[Snake] The crown.

Wolf, you gotta trust me. I got this.

Time for phase two, finding that crown.

[Webs] Also phase two, stop treating Webs like a ragdoll!

Okay. I’ve tricked out this sippy cup with a periscopic camera.

We just get the baron to put it wherever he keeps his goods.

Then we’ll see if the crown is in there too.

No problem. [clears throat] Hey, buddy!

Uh, baby it up a little. Try crying.

Wah!

I’m coming, sweet child!

What’s wrong, son?

I had a bad dream.

It was a dream, and in the dream, somebody stole my sippy cup.

And I-I wonder, do you think you can lock it up wherever you keep your most precious objects? [hisses] Oh, surrounded by all the wealth in the world, and yet my little tike is worried about a simple plastic cup.

The things that really matter are the things we love the most.

And that is you now, my boy.

So, off I go.

[Snake groans]

[bell dings]

[heist music playing]

[bell dings]

[gasps]

[groans] He likes the most hideous things.

[dial clicking]

[camera whirring]

[Wolf] Target acquired.

Time for phase three, getting the team inside.

“And the upper class lived happily ever after. The end.”

Ah, that was great, Pops.

But you know what would make me feel like a big boy? If I could read it on my own.

Maybe you could hire me a tutor?

[doorbell chimes]

Greetings, salutations, and remembrances.

My vocabulary is very extensive because I’m an expert reader.

Come in.

[grunts] Ouch! Owie!

[Wolf] Shark, just take the glasses off.

No can do.

I built the entire character around them.

And what does this say?

Don’t take this the wrong way, Papa, but you’re a terrible cook.

[in baby talk]

Think we could hire somebody? Please?

[doorbell chimes]

Somebody order a chef?

Phase three complete. I can’t believe it.

We’re actually pulling off the BBBG.

It’s all because of me.

I really am a great mentor.

Oh! Ow!

Time for phase four.

Snake, you keep the baron occupied while the team gets that crown.

[in baby talk] Uh, Papa, could you tell me a story?

Preferably a long one.

[chuckles nervously]

A very, uh, very long one.

I’ll tell you about the first time I fell in love.

I was sitting in a diner when, suddenly, approaching me, I saw a lovely, round, smoking-hot… bowl of soup.

Delivered by a waitress named Esmerelda, I think.

But this soup was incredible!

It had pumpkin, it had cardamom, it had soul.

Uh, what do we do?

This is usually Snake’s part.

[Wolf] Don’t worry.

I have Snake’s copy of The Boxman’s Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Unlocking.

First, face the lock.

Well, duh! Who wouldn’t know how to–

This is impossible.

We’re never gonna find the vault.

Oh!

And I didn’t brush my teeth for a week, so the taste of that soup stayed with me for the rest of my vacation, which I’m still having.

Oh, I haven’t worked a day in my life.

The power of generational wealth.

You know, son, I’ve never loved anything as much as that soup.

That is, until you showed up at my door.

Really?

And I want to show that love by bequeathing you my entire fortune.

Does that happen to include any jewelry?

Like, uh, oh, I don’t know, a priceless crown, perhaps?

Oh, good guess.

But the crown is practically lunch money.

The real fortune is my trillions of dollars in stocks and bonds.

[Snake splutters]

T-t-trillions? With a “T”‘?

And an “S” at the end? Trillions?

[hisses]

[chuckles] Those reading lessons are really paying off.

Yes, my dear son.

And they will all be yours to inherit once you become an adult.

[cash register dings]

You know, Pops, all this talk about money has made me greedy.

[chuckling] I-I mean, hungry.

[in baby talk]

I’m still learning my words.

I’m gonna go grab a snack.

Now, don’t you go anywhere.

Ooh, I want to hear more stories about your, uh…

I mean, our money.

[bell dings]

[heist music playing]

[dial clicking]

[gasps] Put that back!

I’ve got an even bigger score for us.

My papa’s trillion-dollar fortune!

[chuckles]

[Wolf] Your papa?

Snake, no. Don’t do this again.

Just stick to the plan.

No, Wolfie! Wolf!

Just think, if we play it cool for another, I don’t know, a decade or two, we’ll walk away with trillions.

No, we can’t stop now.

You really think you can pretend to be a baby for that long?

[in baby talk] I really do.

[Wolf] Oh, no. It’s happening.

He’s in too deep. Slap him out of it.

I can’t slap a baby!

I can!

[endearing music playing]

[Piranha grunts]

Too cute. Can’t move.

[Wolf] Look away! Look away!

[grunting] I am doing this for the good of the team.

We’re about to pull off the longest long con in history. [chuckles] Heistory! [groans] No, too late.

[Wolf] Snake! No!

[groans]

This is exactly why we should have never tried the BBBG!

[Webs] Wolf, your friends need you, and you’re the only one who can save them.

You’re the mentor now, Wolf.

You can do this.

The voice of my former mentor encouraging me from the grave after all these years?

Heist Heaven does exist?

What? No!

It’s Webs. Pull it together, man!

[chuckling] Oh, right. Sorry.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I know what I have to do.

[impersonating airplane engine]

Pops, we talked about this.

I am way too old for the airplane.

Do the choo-choo train instead.

Whoo-whoo! Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga.

Ah, that’s good stuff.

[doorbell chimes]

[door creaking]

Papa?

Uh, do I know you?

[gasps] Hey, Pops?

Uh, I-I’m ready for bed.

Why don’t you make this stranger go away, and take me to my room?

[endearing music playing]

Don’t go! I-I’m your long-lost son.

My mother’s name was Esmerelda.

She always told stories about the handsome baron that would come into her diner.

I’ve been looking for you for years.

She told me to bring you this.

[Baron sniffs]

Oh, you do have her eyes.

[sniffs] Pumpkin? Cardamom?

I would recognize the delicious aroma of that soup anywhere.

Oh, it must be true!

Come on in, new new son.

[Snake groans, hisses]

No way! The baron’s real son showed up right in the middle of our thing?

You know that’s Wolf, right?

Wolf is the baron’s real son?!

Shh! I want to hear this.

Wolf is doing the unthinkable.

He’s trying to pull off an LLLG, the Long Lost Lovechild Gambit, while confronting the failures of his past.

Oh, sorry, boys. I couldn’t find the chef.

Probably pulled a Debra. [chuckles] Fortunately, we have one heck of a bowl of soup to share.

You know, you look kind of familiar.

Don’t see how that’s possible. [slurps] Ah, but maybe you just remind me of a character from a book I was reading.

He had a very unhappy ending.

Not to brag, but your brother is a pretty advanced reader.

The joys of fatherhood, teaching your child to read.

By hiring a person to do that for you.

He seems mature for his age.

How old are you?

I don’t know. Four?

F-fiveish? No, three. Wait, no!

[spluttering]

Like, maybe, you know, one to six?

That’s an interesting age.

I was born in a leap year, so it’s actually pretty normal.

I remember being that age.

Being young, never knowing when to stop playing and focus on what I was supposed to be doing.

No idea what you’re talking about.

[in gruff voice]

And I’d watch what I say if I were you.

[hisses]

[snarls]

[Snake hisses]

Sibling rivalries are to be expected, but just know that I love you both the same.

[crickets chirping]

Boy, all this reuniting with family has tired me out.

I guess I’ll see you in the morning, baby bro.

Actually, I was thinking my big bro and I could have a sleepover.

Really get to bond.

[gasps] That is a beautiful idea.

Mwah! Mwah!

[heist music playing]

[bell dings] Where do you think you’re going?

To rescue our team.

[bell dings]

[panting] You never know when to stop.

You get in too deep.

I know exactly what I’m doing.

Stealing trillions of dollars.

[Wolf] What are you talking about?

It will never work.

You can’t pretend to be his son for 20 years.

You’re just afraid of blowing it again, like you did with your mentor.

[Wolf grunts]

I’m the mentor now.

I’m making sure The Bad Guys get out with the crown, as planned.

Want to wiggle with me, little baby?

Think you can stop[Baron] What’s going on here?

Papa, help! He’s not really your son.

He was trying to rob us, but I stopped him.

[gasps, chuckles awkwardly]

Oh…

[Baron grunting]

That’s right. Like all richies, I’m trained in Elizabethan swordplay.

I must defend my home, and protect my son from…

Uh-oh.

[Snake hisses]

The effects of the de-aging chamber wore off.

W-what’s going on?

Uh… Snakes just, uh, age differently, you know?

Puberty hits us hard, Papa.

What can I say? Hey.

The good news, now that I’m an adult, you can just go ahead and give me those trillions of dollars.

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!

I fell for a BBBG?

And an LLLG?

You were after my crown, weren’t you?

[sighs] Thank goodness.

It’s just the chef and the tutor.

And… Oh, wait.

You’re all part of it?!

[gasps] You won’t get away with this!

[shrieks] Run!

[gasps]

[Piranha panting]

[Baron grunting]

Come back here!

[Bad Guys whimpering]

[Baron grunting]

[Piranha gasps]

[bell dings]

[Baron grunting]

[bell dinging]

[jaunty muzak playing]

[bell dings] [panting]

[yells]

[Bad Guys whimpering]

[whimpers]

[Baron growling]

Whoa! Hey, whoa!

Papa?

[endearing music playing]

Hmm? [sighs]

[sword clattering]

Oh, I may be a fool, but I know my precious baby is in there somewhere.

And I can’t hurt him.

Just go.

Wait!

Can I ask you one last question?

Was I a good papa?

No.

You were a great papa.

And I promise, there’s a snotty little rugrat somewhere out there who’ll love you, and won’t lie to your face and rob you blind.

[Channel 6 Action News music playing]

Baron von Tuskington has adopted every orphan in the city.

When asked for comment, the baron said he’d never been happier, or more exhausted.

Well, I guess it’s a happy ending all around.

What?

The Bad Guys pulled off two cons and got the crown.

We only got the crown because I stepped in.

You would have blown it.

You never know when to stop.

That’s why I’ve got you, Wolfie.

Always there to pull me back.

We’re a perfect pair, like oil and water.

Let’s never change. [hisses] We did pull off our first con as a team.

Plus, I know the perfect buyer to take all that stolen cream off our hands. [hisses]

[doorbell chimes]

Good afternoon, sir, who we’ve never met before.

Could we interest you in a new cream, guaranteed to keep brand-new fathers energetic and spry?

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E07 – Heist on the Run | Transcript

The Bad Guys set out to out-heist the infamous Night Owls… but bragging about it online before they’ve actually succeeded puts them in a tough spot.

[heist music playing]

[heist music playing]

[glass shattering]

Oh. Expecting someone else? Sorry.

I’m Ricki Talon, and we’re…

The Night Owls.

Hoo!

You’ve heard of us.

And in about 30 seconds, we’ll be walking away with that.

Bringing down the lasers in five, four, three, two…

Donezo.

[lasers crackling]

The Imperial Emerald.

Shinier than I expected.

[bell jingles]

Well, that heist was a hoot.

Huh? Potato?!

[Wolf] Thanks for the emerald.

[Ricki] What the…?

Owl be seeing ya.

Somebody robbed our robbery and used owl-based puns against us!

[bell dings]

[tires screeching]

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

They didn’t see us coming at all!

Which is weird, since their heads can swivel in every direction.

I gotta hand it to you, Wolf.

Stealing from The Night Owls mid-heist?

Oh, brilliant idea.

I gotta post about this.

Did you say “post”?

Check it out. I made us an account on the Crooks-Only app.

[phone chimes] All the top groups are on it.

Time we start swimming in the same circles as the Worst of the Worst.

Swimming in circles usually means a broken fin. You sure?

[phone chimes]

It’s your boy, Wolf, and The Bad Guys.

#BigTimeCrooks.

Check this out. The Imperial Emerald.

Just stole it from The Night Owls.

Ha!

♪ We’re bad, we’re bad ♪

♪ The Night Owls have been had ♪

I guess that makes us the toughest, meanest, heistiest crooks out there.

Try and stop us, ya dingdongs!

[phone chimes] And… posted. Love that swagger, Snake.

Oh, that felt good.

You know, I feel like social media is a very healthy endeavor.

[sighs] I know I got caught up in the moment, but maybe we should have waited to tell the world we stole the emerald until we get back to the lair?

We’re five minutes away.

What could happen?

[gasps]

[engine backfires, sputtering]

That’s not good.

[ignition failing]

Oh, come on!

We’re sitting ducks.

Uh, it looks like we’re getting a lot of attention in the online crook community.

[laptop chiming]

Nice! That’s what we want.

Yeah, no.

Now The Night Owls know it was us that stole their emerald.

I’m seeing comments from all sorts of groups.

The Sting, The Gruff Goats. Uh…

You turned off geolocation when you posted… right?

Um… Obviously.

Follow-up. What is geolocation?

[hooting in distance]

The Night Owls!

We gotta get out of the street. Come on!

[grunting]

It’s hard to push without arms.

[Shark sighs]

This is all your fault.

Your job is taking care of the car.

Now we’ll get caught with the emerald after bragging about stealing it.

I will not be held accountable for my own actions.

Hey, taking care of the car is the getaway driver’s job.

You are the getaway driver!

[Wolf] We can’t just stay here with the emerald.

If somebody gets it off us, we’ll lose all our newfound cred.

But we can’t just abandon the car either.

Think, think. We gotta split up.

Shark and I take the emerald on foot, back to the lair.

Webs, Snake, you stay with the car.

Get it running.

You won’t be bothered without the emerald.

Why would I stay?

I’m not exactly a car expert.

Come on. Remember when you invented that car-hacking doohickey?

You’re a bona fide tech genius.

Surely you could fix a hunk of junk with Snake?

I know you’re trying to charm me.

And it’s working.

How come I never get charmed, huh?

Can’t think of anything good to say about a dirtbag like you.

So, that’s what it feels like.

Shark, we’re gonna make a run for it.

Good, ’cause I’m locked and car-bloaded.

I skipped cardio yesterday.

[heist music playing]

We’re pinned in.

Looks like you could use a distraction.

Piranha, do not one-way-ticket this.

Hey, Night Owls!

I’ve got your emerald!

And you’re never gonna catch

[screams]

I’m sure he’ll be fine?

Will he? Won’t he? Stay tuned, Internet.

And be sure to smash that follow button.

[heist music playing]

[panting] Okay.

Maybe I’ve been skipping cardio for years.

Shh-shh-shh!

You think he’s smashing that follow button?

One hundred.

Hey, you think you can hotwire that car?

Of course. I’m the king of hotwiring.

Can’t let that hooter spot us though.

Then we must become shadows.

And to become a shadow, my squire, you must think like a shadow.

Okay. How does that work?

Let’s dance.

[salsa music playing]

[wheel squeaking]

Watch the king at work.

[alarm blaring]

Dang it! You must have bumped the car.

Me? I wasn’t near it!

Well, I didn’t do it.

I’m the king of hotwiring.

People say that, by the way.

Oh, hello.

[Night Owl grunts]

[metal clanging]

[Webs] I just can’t get a read.

[clanging]

The car’s completely dead.

Don’t think just banging will fix it.

That’s what I do with every other machine.

And he calls himself a pack animal.

First sign of trouble and he takes the emerald.

Uh, you okay?

You don’t think Wolf and Shark are gonna run off with the loot?

That’s what I would do if I were them.

And abandon the team?

No way! Wolf’s all about the team.

Like, annoyingly so.

That is why they took the emerald and left us stranded here.

In the alley.

With a broken car.

Y-you know what?

I’m just gonna text him, check in.

[keyboard clacking]

[Night Owl hooting]

[both grunt, groan]

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

I-I know you’re familiar with our work, but I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.

I’m Wolf. This is Shark.

And I’m Shark.

Oh, he just said that. I’m nervous.

Pleasure to meet you. Big fan.

Bold move, heisting that emerald while we were heisting the emerald.

You would have got away with it too, if you hadn’t posted on social media like a bozo.

Every criminal outfit in the city was after that emerald, and now, every criminal outfit will be after The Bad Guys, knowing they have it.

Everyone knows we got the emerald?

Criminal clout.

Yeah, but you’re sort of caught.

Why don’t you go ahead and save yourself a world of trouble and hand it over, ‘kay?

Squawk! You should listen to her. Squawk!

[splutters] Piranha? W-what are you doing?

I’ve been captive so long, I’m becoming one of them.

It’s been, like, 20 minutes.

Exactly.

No way you can get through the city while every crook in town is after you.

Why not give us what’s heistfully ours before we get nasty?

After all, it’s a long way down.

[Wolf whimpers] And I don’t think wolves land on their feet.

[chuckling] Good one, boss.

Wolves ain’t cats.

No, it wasn’t a good one.

How are my zingers gonna get better if you don’t give me real feedback?

Wolf, maybe we should just hand over the emerald.

No way. I see an escape route.

Just follow my lead.

Been great chatting with you… but we gotta bounce.

[Shark gasps]

[Shark gasps]

[Wolf] Whoa! Too bouncy!

[groans]

[gasps]

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! [grunts] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[yells]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[screams]

[grunts]

[groans] Unbelievable.

Psst! These owls will mess you up.

Get out of here while you can!

Come with me.

I’m too far gone.

More bird than fish now.

Squawk! Save yourself.

[gasps]

Just go! [sniffles] Go on.

Get out of here, you stinky oaf! Get!

[gasps, sniffles]

You know I love emotional goodbyes, but why now?

I don’t want you around no more.

Leave before it’s too late!

[sniffles, wails]

[Wolf groans]

That little pinball trick was a great distraction.

Nice plan.

[groaning] Totally was the plan.

Where’s Piranha?

Have you been crying?

Not ready to talk about it.

[Shark sniffles]

Still got it. Yes!

[hooting in distance] We gotta hide.

[panting]

[hooting]

[hooting stops]

[chuckles] Almost home.

We get through this, we go down as criminal kings of the city.

I’m gonna update our Crooks-Only.

[phone dinging]

Oh. I-I missed a lot of texts.

[voices chanting] Emerald!

[buzzing in distance] Can you stop making that sound?

I’m reading Webs’–

I’m not making any sounds.

[voices chanting] Emerald!

Emerald!

Emerald!

[horde buzzing]

[clanging]

[keyboard clacking]

Wolf’s not responding. Weird.

I’m telling you, he and Shark took off without us.

Looking back, there were hints this would happen.

We gotta split up.

Webs, Snake, you stay with the car.

Shark and I will take the emerald on foot and totally betray you.

[Shark] Mmhmm.

We’ll take the jewel for ourselves, because we’re threatened by Snake’s vast superiority to us in all ways.

Not exactly how I remember it, but it is suspicious.

If, and that’s a big “if,” Wolf and Shark did betray us, that would really tick me off.

After everything we do for them?

I spent weeks transferring Wolf’s CD collection to digital!

Exactly.

The furball’s got some nerve.

[grunts]

[clanging]

What are you even wrenching?

No idea. But it’s something to take my anger out on.

You got another wrench inside you?

I need to pop off on something.

Probably. [retches]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[clanging]

[buzzing]

[horde]

Emerald!

Emerald!

You wouldn’t think a horde of vicious insects called The Sting would be so terrifying.

We should run.

[screaming]

[panting, whimpering]

[screaming]

[buzzing]

Scooter!

[The Sting] Emerald!

Emerald!

What are you waiting for? Scoot!

[buzzing]

[both scream]

[Wolf] I think we lost them.

[scooter clattering]

[Wolf gasps]

Think you could reach my phone and record an update for Crooks-Only?

Totally! Couple questions.

[hooting] What’s your filter preference?

You hear hooting?

[hooting]

Whoa!

[Shark whimpers] I want my emerald.

Yeah! Give it back!

[wheels screeching]

We’re losing ’em!

Is it just me, or are these scooters, like, irresponsibly fast?

Good one, boss.

That wasn’t even a… [groans] I always knew being a Night Owl was a one-way ticket. Squawk!

What’s with the squawking? Owls hoot!

[Piranha grunts] Huh?

Wait a minute.

I’m a fish, not a bird! [shrieks]

[yelling]

[clattering]

[Wolf] Ow!

[Wolf grunts]

[hooting]

[Shark gasps] Hoo!

[cracking]

[Bad Guys whimpering]

[Wolf gasps]

We’re not giving up our emerald.

We’re not giving up our hard-earned clout.

[Wolf growls]

[tense music building]

[horn bellows]

[Ricki gasps]

[horn bellows]

[Wolf laughs]

I knew they were too scared of The Bad Guys to actually challenge us.

Uh, Wolf, I-I don’t think they were scared of us.

Oh, no.

This is Gruff territory.

[dirt bike engines revving]

The most violent, cruel, and violently cruel criminal group in the city.

[revving intensifies]

[The Gruff Goats bleating]

[Wolf whimpers]

[steam hissing]

I think we wrenched a little too much.

Yep.

And worst of all, we’re no closer to knowing how to fix the dang car so we can catch up to those dirty betrayers.

[grunts]

[tank clangs]

Hey.

[hollow clanging] The gas tank’s empty.

The car just needed gas the whole time?

Oh, they probably left it low on purpose so they could abscond with our emerald.

I say we crank this back together and get our revenge.

I’ll get gas.

I’ll wrench.

[dirt bike engines revving]

[bleating]

So, uh, y-you, uh…

You just gonna keep circling us, or…?

Almost done, broski.

Hang tight.

[bleating continues]

[horn bellows] [brakes squealing]

[horn bellows]

[bleating]

[bleating] Bah!

Well, well, well.

Very chill and very cool to meet the one and only Bad Guys.

You’re Skulli Flame-Boni, leader of The Gruff Goats.

Correctamundo!

Coming on our turf after bragging before bagging that emerald is pretty radical.

I mean, every crook knows not to count their heists before they hatch.

Skulli Flame-Boni thinks we’re radical.

And very dumb!

You think you can just show up with some hot loot without feeling the rough Gruff stuff?

Very uncool.

[bleating]

Yeah, not cool, guys.

Oh, no. I’m becoming one of them already!

You basically have two options.

Spill that tasty emerald or get shredded.

[engines revving]

[bleating]

Okay, I was probably a little wrong to post mid-heist.

But if we time it right, we can sprint between these ever-circling dirt bikes and escape.

We already duped The Sting and The Night Owls.

Did we though?

Feels like we just created bigger problems for ourselves.

I do not want to become a living skid mark, even though I love skid marks.

[bleating continues]

[sighs] Fine.

Here.

[brakes squealing]

Oh, that’s a juicy ‘rald.

[chuckles] Kiss, kiss.

Mwah!

Oopers! Not so fast, my sly skippers.

You traded the emerald for your lives, but you still burst our turf without permish.

[engines revving]

You’ll have to pay a toll if you want to leave.

By way of the Doom Jump!

[bleating]

[Bad Guys gasp]

[engine revving]

[The Gruff Goats chanting]

Doom Jump! Doom Jump! Doom Jump!

Doom Jump! Doom Jump! Doom Jump!

Doom Jump!

[bleating continues]

[Piranha bleating]

[horn bellows]

The time has come.

The time to pay or perish!

[bleating]

Very excited to be doing this for your entertainment.

But can I ask, why does the toll have to be paid by randomly jumping through this ring of fire?

Why? Because it’s radical.

Hey, man, I didn’t become the leader of a crime outfit not to force randos like you to do my bidding, brah.

[bleating]

[brakes squealing]

They didn’t just run away with the emerald.

They used it as cred to join The Gruff Goats.

Not on my watch.

No one betrays The Bad Guys but me.

Launch time, my broskis. Hit it!

[horn bellowing]

[bleating] [engines revving] Man, I love this thing.

Real quick. Has anyone ever successfully landed the Doom Jump?

You mean without bursting into flames?

Yeah.

[chuckling] Totally… not.

PS, I am posting this to Crooks-Only, so try not to scream too much.

Harshes the vibe.

Here goes nothing.

[sighs]

[horn honking]

[whimpers] Ooh…

[Wolf gasps]

[Goats gasp]

[laughing] Snake! Webs!

Whoo! You came to rescue us.

Wrong, dweebs! We’re here for revenge.

You tried to run away with our emerald.

What? No! Why would you think that?

You didn’t answer my texts.

We were busy running away from every crook in town.

And then the Goats are forcing us to do this stunt.

I love our team. You specifically asked me to stop talking about how much I love us.

[groans] Shut up, shut up!

You’re right. Sorry.

Why don’t we just grab Piranha and discuss this back at the lair, like crooked adults?

[in unison] Fine.

Great.

Guys?

[Webs] Uh…

Why aren’t you hitting the brakes?

I am hitting the brakes!

Unless… Wait a minute.

Did we put the gas where the brakes were supposed to be?

[screaming]

[both gasp]

[screaming continues]

So radical.

[screaming]

[Snake panting]

The toll has been paid!

[bleating]

Man, we started the day on top of the underground, and now we’re laughingstocks.

Yeah. That video Skulli posted of us absolutely blew up.

#Losers.

#Radical.

Ooh. I think we look pretty cool.

[sighs] I’m just glad to be back in the lair.

Feel so much more like myself, you know?

Squawk! [gasps] Well, if there’s a silver lining to tonight, at least I’ve learned a valuable lesson about not counting heists before we’re home.

Yeah, right.

Really?

Uh-huh.

You don’t learn lessons.

What? I’m serious.

See?

[gasps] Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Skulli’s horn?

Now, nabbing that from the most feared criminal outfit is a way bigger deal than some measly emerald.

Impressive. How did you pull it off?

Not that I’m impressed.

It was pretty complicated.

It all started when Webs and Snake hit the jump.

First, I saw an opening.

And I guess that’s it.

Not my most elaborate steal, but I did it, and I didn’t brag about it.

Never underestimate the power of potatoes.

[whooping]

[Snake chuckles] Yeah!

[Snake laughs, hisses]

[Shark] Yeah!

[crickets chirping]

I said, “Gruff Goats, assemble!”

[splutters]

Dang! Without my horn, nobody assembles when I want them to.

[splutters]

Where is everybody? Sullivan, you here?

Bryce? You around, Chad?

Brad? I need you, Brando.

Other Chad?

Connor, you’re not still mad I dated your sister, are you?

Geoff, you’re not mad I dated your sister?

Come on!

Garbanzo, get out here, you kooky bean.

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E08 – Home Is Where the Heist Is | Transcript

Suspecting Snake is hiding something, the rest of the Bad Guys tail him to a mysterious mansion and find themselves face-to-face with a legendary thief.

[heist music playing]

[Shark yelling] You’ve crossed me for the last time, Webs!

I’m gonna destroy you!

Oh, yeah? You and what army?

There’s only one way out of this. That’s–

[Piranha] Dim sum!

Oh, it’s gonna be a dim summit, and I’m chief ambassador of flavor.

No. You picked last time.

I need curry or I will lose it!

Two words. Pizza tacos.

Do it, or I walk.

We need a tiebreaker.

Snake is on a strict rodent and push-pop diet, so I claim his vote.

No fair!

Korean fried chicken it is. Right? Snake?

[Snake yawns]

Actually, I’m gonna turn in early tonight.

How are you ready for bed?

It’s, like, 5:30.

Gotta catch up on my beauty sleep.

[gasps] Oh, a-and no need to check on me.

I’ll just be sleeping.

Nighty-night.

[door shuts]

Why would he say that last part?

[Snake] And here I go.

And falling asleep…

He’s obviously up to something no good.

…now.

And I want in.

[Snake snoring]

Uh… Welp, you got me.

You found out my terrible secret. I, uh…

I’m off to, uh, my… [hissing] …salsa lessons.

[chuckling] Yeah.

Uh, that keeps me limber.

You’ve been taking dance lessons?

Without me?

Prove it.

What?

Salsa for us right now.

[groans] Really?

[sighs]

[salsa music playing]

[Snake grunting, hissing]

[scats]

[panting]

I’m just realizing I have no idea what salsa dancing is.

I do know what salsa is, and this ain’t it.

But I like it!

[hissing, panting]

Wahoo!

As we can all clearly see, I’m a world-class dancer.

Sorry to hide it from you.

I just didn’t want you to be embarrassed about how much better I am at dancing than you.

Anyways… well, there’s always more to explore in the fast-paced world of salsa, so I’m out of here. [chuckles] The rhythm calls. [hisses] We’re all still deeply suspicious of Snake, right?

Always.

Definitely.

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

[hisses]

Piranha, you’re following too closely.

He’ll spot us.

I can’t see! Whose idea was it to wear sunglasses at night?

Obviously, we need disguises.

Won’t he recognize the car?

I disguised the car too.

We just gotta be quiet.

[munching] Hey!

Oh, sorry. I-I’ll crunch quieter.

You been holding out on us?

Heard the story of The Hungry Wolf?

[munching]

I’m starving!

We should have got dim sum hours ago.

[sighs] I’m the one who wanted dim sum!

Oh, no.

Where’s Snake?

Wait. There!

[gasps]

[hatch opening]

Man, he’s good.

But not good enough.

[grunts]

Follow that scooter!

[wheels screeching]

[tires screeching]

Man, we lost him.

He’s just too wiggly.

[Webs] There!

[brakes squealing]

How do we even know that’s his?

These things get dumped all over the city.

[chuckling in distance]

That sounded like Snake.

What is this place?

It’s so fancy.

Some kind of salsa mansion?

Is that a thing?

[Shark] No.

But whoever it is, they got moo-lah-lah.

Big-timers. International.

Think snake is ditching us for another crew?

Uh, literally no one said that.

And your voice is, like, really high.

I mean, he has been kind of dodgy about the whole group thing.

Sure, but that’s just his curmudgeonly charm, right?

[clattering]

[Snake] Whoa!

He needs our help!

Wait! We can’t just rush in.

Wow.

This place is… impeccable.

Is that an original Van Goat?

[Snake screams, grunts]

Snake! You okay?

[groans] You guys cannot be here!

Get out!

What’s going on? Who you working for?

Oh, it’s not like that.

[spluttering] It’s…

A salsa mansion. Yeah, we know.

Yeah, what he said.

That’s not a thing.

All right, you got me.

I’m just doing a little heist of my own.

You what?!

Shh!

It’s not a big deal.

Sometimes I heist by myself. It’s healthy.

But the creep owner has made it impossible.

Is that any way to speak about your own dear mother?

[Snake grumbles]

[Webs gasps]

[Wolf clears throat]

[sighs]

Snake, I had no idea you had a mom.

[hisses]

You know, for a second there, I was worried you were working with another group or something.

A group?

[inhales sharply]

Snake, who are these goons exactly?

Oh. Well, they’re from my salsa class?

[mumbles, sighs]

Fine.

These are The Bad Guys, a crime crew that I know.

[grumbling] All right, my crime crew.

[laughs hysterically]

I don’t know

[laughs hysterically]

I don’t know what’s so funny about that, Mrs… Snake’s Mom.

[sighs]

Serpentina.

Wait.

Your mom is the Serpentina?

One of the all-time crime greats?

Bury the lede much, Snake?

[chuckles] Oh, just when I thought Snake couldn’t disappoint me more, he joins a team.

[Webs laughs]

What a silly goose.

Webs!

Sorry. I can’t control myself around her.

She’s too fabulous. Look at this place!

Paintings of yourself all over your own house?

Can I be you?

You could never.

So true.

Snake, I didn’t know you came from money, bro.

Please. I don’t pay for things.

I’m a master thief.

We hail from a long line of solo operators.

It’s a family tradition.

I had high hopes for Snake, but alas…

It’s so disappointing to see you with a support system.

Must be why you’ve never been able to best me, after all these years.

Best you at what?

Me and Ma have this, uh, fun family competition.

When I was just a snakeling, Ma absconded with my favorite toy, my beloved bouncy ball.

[Serpentina laughing]

You should have seen his face!

[Piranha] Aww, little Snake!

It all makes sense.

Your lost innocence, your fear of intimacy.

What? I turned out great. Zero issues.

I’ve been trying to steal it to remove the weight of feeling like a huge disappointment.

It’s not a feeling. You are.

[gulps]

As your mother, it’s my job to teach you the hard lessons of thievery so that you can carry on our family tradition.

Although, with every passing year that you fail to steal the ball back, I grow less and less convinced.

Maybe it’s time to hatch a sibling.

Oh, me! Please!

Get ready to be convinced, ’cause tonight, I get that ball.

This ends now.

Please. You’ve never even come close.

And I’ll tell you why.

Because you’ve been working with this group, and that’s made you soft.

Respectfully, ma’am…

[clears throat] …but you’re dead wrong.

Snake’s the hardest criminal I know.

And no offense to solo operators, but the real bad business is working as a team.

In fact, I bet we can heist that ball from you.

Let’s place a wager.

If we win, you gotta admit crime crews are the tops.

Very well. But let’s up the stakes, huh?

If I win, Snake has to quit his precious little Blah Guys… forever.

Okay, team.

I know I kind of jumped into the deep end there.

No offense, Snake, but your mom… uh…

Brings out the worst in people?

Yeah. We’ve got this though, right?

No. I never even made it past the ground floor!

Well, this time, you got us.

Look, if we lose, it’s not gonna be like when I’ve quit before.

It would be for keeps.

As awful as she is, I can’t break a promise to my own mother.

True. Never break a mom promise.

Ooh, a momise, the unbreakable vow.

Don’t worry. It won’t come to that.

We’re gonna do this.

Bad Guys forever.

Serpentina, we’re in.

Your funeral.

[Bad Guys gasp]

Mommy!

Oh. Sorry.

[intercom whines]

This is going to be fun, for me.

For you, it’s going to be painful and humiliating. [chuckles] All right, we treat this like any other heist.

Snake, any leads on the location of the ball?

I think it’s in her office, second floor.

But I can’t get up the stairs.

They’re boobytrapped.

No problemo.

We’ll case the rest of the first floor, find another way.

I’ve tried. It’s impossible.

We’ve got fresh eyes.

Maybe we’ll see something you’ve missed.

Webs, exterior.

Shark, plumbing.

Piranha, under the stairs.

I’ll take the banister.

Snake, you just sit back and enjoy the perks of working with a team.

[Snake groans]

[mechanical clunk]

[grunts] Ow!

Didn’t see that coming.

[clattering] [Webs screams]

[Piranha whimpering]

No, no, no, no. [grunts] And here come the screams of terror.

[screaming]

[Shark] Get it off me!

[clattering]

Webs, what’s your progress?

[Webs grunts]

The entire exterior is welded shut, and boobytrapped.

Wow.

[Snake grumbles] I-I mean, ow!

[Wolf] Shark, any luck?

[clattering]

[Shark screams]

Uh, okay.

[chuckling] Hang in there, buddy.

Piranha, any intel on under the stairs?

[Piranha] It’s like… It’s like she knows what my nightmares are made of.

Been there.

[Piranha grunts, whimpers]

[sighing] Okay.

So, this isn’t like every other heist.

Of course it isn’t.

This is Serpentina we’re talking about.

Lawless and flawless.

[Serpentina over intercom]

The needy crab gets it.

[gasps] She noticed me! A nickname!

So, the entire house is guarded with anti-heist security?

Yeesh!

Your mothers never built you an almost impenetrable heist training ground to teach you how to become the best thief in the world?

Oh, I guess you weren’t loved.

[Wolf sighs] Believe me now? The only way in is up.

They’re just stairs. We can handle stairs.

Go!

[yelling]

[clattering]

[laughs hysterically]

[laughter bellowing over intercom]

[grunts] Told ya.

You see?

The thing with groups is, when you fail, you fail on top of each other.

Groups are not the problem.

I got an idea. Eyes on me.

[grunts]

[groaning] Here we go. I am the stairs.

Ooh! His shapely gams have saved us once again.

[Wolf] Go, go! I can’t hold on like this!

[panting]

[Wolf grunts]

Holy smokes. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. We did it?

Yeah. See?

[spine cracking]

[sighs] The Bad Guys can do this, ’cause The Bad Guys can do anything.

Can you, Mr. Cheerleader Fuzzball?

Yes, lady. Let’s go.

This way.

[screams]

[grunting]

[clattering]

[grunts] Why are we doing this to ourselves? For some ball?

I just feel like, if I had a proper dinner, I’d be doing a lot better.

Aww! Does Baby Sharky need his din-din?

Do not “Baby Shark” me. I have dignity.

But yeah, some din-din would be nice.

We could have had a nice dinner if we ordered what I wanted!

She’s trying to drive us apart.

Can’t let her.

Let’s try these stairs on the right.

They look slightly less painful.

[Wolf grunting]

Knowing Ma, they’re not.

Come on.

[screaming]

[electricity crackling]

[Wolf grunts]

[electricity crackling]

[Shark screams]

[groaning]

Guys! I have a theory.

We just might have an advantage.

Everything I’ve experienced up till this moment says otherwise, but go on.

Your perfect, terrifying mother made the stairs to defeat an only child, just one person.

The minute one booby trap is activated, the others deactivate.

I think, if we keep weight on the main stairs, the traps on the upper stairs won’t turn on.

So, you’re saying we have a group advantage?

Hear that, mean mom?

[Wolf grunts]

It won’t hold for long.

[Wolf grunts]

No way this is gonna work.

Trust me.

[Wolf laughs]

[rattling]

[mechanism clunks] [Snake gasps]

[spluttering]

I-I’ve never made it this far!

Ha! Bad Guys rule, moms drool!

I hope your mom didn’t hear that.

Bring it in, team.

Webs, you’re a genius.

Yeah, duh.

Dang it, let’s get shawarma after this.

No, soup dumplings.

It’s more fun with a group.

Group soup doops!

[Serpentina] I wouldn’t celebrate just yet, Patricia.

Piranha.

I like Patricia.

Ignore her. Snake, I bet your ball is somewhere behind that door.

[Snake hisses]

[creaking]

[grunting]

[whining over intercom]

[Serpentina] Come on, Snake.

When will you admit that you’ll never best your dear mother?

[Snake grumbling]

Don’t let her get under your skin.

We’ve done loads of heists that are harder than this.

We stick together, we can do anything.

Except maybe order kebabs.

But yeah to everything else you said.

Plus, it’s personal with me and that chandelier now.

[gasps]

[creaking]

[thud]

[Wolf] Ow!

[chandelier creaking]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[chandelier creaking]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[groaning]

[chandelier creaking]

[grunts]

[grunts] Um…

[screams]

[groans]

Guys, look!

[chandelier creaking]

[Piranha grunts]

Welcome to the floor.

Guys, I think I just figured something out.

Me, Patricia. I mean, Piranha.

The chandelier’s drawn by movement, so all we need to do is not move.

And how are we supposed to get anywhere by not moving, hmm?

We could tell it where we want to go and let it take us there.

[tense heist music playing]

Everybody, salsa!

[scatting]

[creaking]

[grunting]

[gasps]

[laughter, whooping]

[Webs] Whoa.

Let’s go get that ball.

[grunts] Ow!

[Snake grunts]

[groans] Doesn’t she own any paperbacks?

Of course not. She’s classy!

[Serpentina laughs hysterically over intercom]

[groans] Ooh!

Dear Mother?

Man, I really… Ow!

…hate moms!

Guys, listen. Ow!

I once impersonated a… Oof!

…librarian for a heist.

[Piranha grunts]

It’s a library! Ow!

Yeah, so?

So, I think these are drawn… by sound.

[grunts] So we just gotta be… Ooh!

[whispering] …quiet.

[Piranha sighs]

[grunting]

[screams]

[laughs hysterically]

That’s a great white shark?

But he’s flopping around like a little bitty seal.

[Shark weeps]

[Serpentina laughs]

[yelling]

[sighing]

[chandelier creaking]

[electricity crackling]

[grunting]

[electricity crackling]

[grunting]

[clattering]

[Serpentina laughs hysterically over intercom]

You all are hilarious!

[groans] I can’t do this anymore!

I don’t really flop around like a little seal, do I?

You got something against small swimmers?

Maybe I do, half-pint.

Oh-ho-ho! Now it’s on!

Fin Bros, chill!

Mean mom has a point.

Groups make everything harder and hurtier.

It’s every fish for himself, ’cause the Fin Bros are done!

This never would have happened if Wolf just let me order calzones.

How? How would that have helped this?

[in unison] Calzones always help!

If I had an ounce of that beautiful snake mama’s moxie, I’d leave you all for good!

[Wolf] You wouldn’t.

[Piranha] But we’re Calbronies now!

This isn’t working.

I gave being in a group a try, but Ma’s right.

I’m destined to be a… lone snake.

Wait. Are you actually breaking up with us?

Come on, Snake. You’re always quitting.

You always come back.

This time, it’s for keeps.

A momise is a momise.

Sorry, Wolfie.

[Snake yelps]

This can’t be happening.

The Bad Guys aren’t The Bad Guys without Snake.

Actually, without any member of the team, we just wouldn’t have that magic.

Does that mean, if Snake’s done, The Bad Guys are done?

[keyboard clacking]

Can you guys quit bellyaching for a second?

I hacked the intercoms. Shh!

Admit it, kid. Your team slows you down.

Solo’s the way to go.

[yelps, blowing] You should have listened to your dear mother from the start.

Yeah, Ma, you were right.

Groups are a pain in the tuchus, always butting their snouts in where they don’t belong.

Did I ask them for help tonight? No.

But they just had to follow me. To what?

To make sure I’m okay? [chuckles] Yeah, n-nobody asked you to care.

But they can never leave me alone.

Even when I’m in a terrible mood, which is, like, always, they’re like… they’re… they’re… they’re always there for me, no matter what.

Oh, no. I…

I like being in a group.

I… like The Bad Guys.

They might be idiots…

[over intercom] …but they’re my idiots.

How touching. But without the ball, you’ll never see The Bad Guys again.

You lost, I won.

We’re doing this, right?

But Serpentina has beaten us at every turn. It’s… [sighs] Impossible?

When has impossible ever stopped us?

Knowing Serpentina and her tricks, I bet there’s a secret way to get that ball.

Yeah, let’s show Snake’s dear mother what a mostly intact group of crooks can do… somehow.

Wait.

“Dear mother.”

That’s it!

Is that any way to speak about your own dear mother?

When will you admit that you’ll never best your dear mother?

The book, that’s the key.

Let’s disappoint the heck out of a mom tonight.

You’re really doubling down?

Yeah. It’s what Bad Guys do.

You wouldn’t understand.

[Serpentina]

They’ll all just keep failing.

Don’t any of you know when to stop?

[Snake] That’s the thing about The Bad Guys.

We’re relentless.

[laughs] Wait, wait!

[gasps]

[laughs]

Bad Guys forever.

Impossible!

How about that? You came back for me.

If the shoe were on the other foot…

But then again, I don’t have feet.

That’s what makes a team so powerful.

Working together for the sake of the steal, no matter what.

So, I suppose I’ll never see you again, Son.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You actually enjoyed this?

Oh, wow. Wow!

You actually enjoyed this.

Don’t flatter yourself. Scram.

She wanted to spend time with her kid.

She’s secretly soft inside.

Kind of ruins the image I had of her.

Hey, Ma.

Maybe I can come over for dinner once a month?

And maybe you can set some fresh new traps? Maybe?

[Serpentina] Hmm.

Ma’am, your house is probably the best training course we’ve ever done.

Could you ever let us come by to help Snake out?

Groups…

We’ll see.

No, but seriously, I am starving.

Do we find a late-night diner?

[Piranha] What did we land on? Kebabs?

[Webs] We had kebabs two nights ago!

* * *

The Bad Guys: Breaking In – S01E09 – Crime After Crime | Transcript

The Bad Guys discover Wolf’s dearly departed mentor left him an inheritance. But to get it, the gang will have to pull off five heists in just one night!

[heist music playing]

[sneaky heist music playing]

[Snake] It’s not a twist top, ya dingus.

[Shark] I’m gonna twist your top off!

[Wolf] Hey–

Shh!

[vehicle approaching]

[Webs gasps]

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

[brakes squeal]

[Shark whimpers] Guys? What are you doing out here?

Is that a statue?

Whoa! Yeah. Uh, where did this come from?

Wait a sec.

Did you replace me with a statue?

No. We went on a heist without you.

[sighs] Less outrageous, but still rude.

You were just taking so long to find street parking after our last heist, we decided to pull another one.

It’s because our crummy lair doesn’t have a garage.

It’s been hours, and I still haven’t found a spot!

Isn’t that one, right there?

Oh, come on!

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

Why did we choose a lair with so many stairs?

You don’t have to climb them.

It’s called empathy.

Never heard of it.

[Snake wails]

[door opens]

[woman] What’s going on out there?

Hey, neighbor.

Just a little a cappella practice.

[Snake wails]

[woman] Yikes! Sounds like you need it.

[door shuts]

[sighing]

Find a nice spot for this, Shark.

Uh…

Where?

Is it hilarious or sad that the hardest part of our heist is where to fit the loot?

It’s good. All this?

It’s criminal credibility.

It’s why we heist.

[sighs] Finally parked.

[coins rattling]

[Shark gasps]

Fin Bro!

[yelling] No!

[heist music playing]

[engine revving]

[hisses]

[tires screeching]

Our loot killed Piranha!

[coins rattling]

Hey! Watch it! That thing is dangerous.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you ever think we’ve stolen too much stuff?

[laughter]

[Snake] “Too much stuff.”

Good one, Snake.

No way we’re stopping now.

We just hit number three on the Worst of the Worst List, and number four is dying to knock us back down.

Boo, number four!

We need something big to solidify our status and get us into the same tier as the greats, like The Crimson Paw or…

My mentor? How long has this been here?

I just found the perfect heist to boost us to infamy.

And I found Piranha.

I saw the white light!

Everybody, listen up.

This is a will from my dearly departed mentor, D.B. Cougar, that bequeaths me his “greatest accomplishment.”

I knew he didn’t just forget about me after he disappeared.

He sort of left me hanging.

No goodbye, closing lesson, or student-has-become-the-teacher sort of moment.

But this is it.

Uh, a final challenge for his star pupil.

[gasps] Huh.

A garage door opener?

You inherited a garage?

Oh, my prayers are answered!

[device whirring]

[Piranha gasps]

A holographic map?

Your mentor was legit.

And there’s only one thing it could possibly lead to.

[videocassette loading]

[retro synth music playing]

Tiffany Fluffit Senior reporting live from the scene of an unthinkable crime.

Bigtime crook D.B. Cougar has just stolen the mother lode of gold bullion, valued at $50 billion.

That’s right, billions in bullion.

A heist that’s so off the scales, Channel 6 has created a brand-new scale.

Presenting the Worst of the Worst List.

All to illustrate that D.B. Cougar was here, but is now here.

I can’t think of a greater accomplishment for a criminal.

Which sounds like a commendation, but is really a firm condemnation.

In other news, a new album from Kidz2Men is coming out today.

Oh, a new Kidz2Men album is coming out?

I love “Rhythm and Hooves.”

Everybody loves “Rhythm and Hooves.”

But we need to focus.

Dozens of criminals and cops have tried to find the bullion since, and failed.

If we get it, it’ll be like–

Looting Atlantis?

Stealing Excalibur from that stone.

Defrauding El Dorado.

Exactly.

Okay, it says here that the inheritance is located at the treasure chest symbol on the map, past a keypad lock with a five-digit code.

Each of the dots is the location of an item we’ll need to heist to reveal each number of that code.

Jeez! That’s complicated.

I guess D.B. wanted this bullion job to be just as hard for us as it was for him.

Great. We love a challenge.

Sorry. That sounded sarcastic, but I actually meant it.

True, we love ’em.

Webs is spittin’ facts.

I ain’t afraid.

Good, because we get one try to enter the code by midnight tonight or the gold will self-destruct?

What? Why the heck would your mentor set such a tight deadline?

He didn’t. The will actually arrived a few months ago.

I guess it got lost in the mess of the lair, and now time’s almost up.

You do realize this means five heists in one night?

The all-time record is four.

And that was set by The Crimson Paw.

We’d have to beat a legend to get this done.

I love it!

Again, we like challenges.

I’m gettin’ all tingly.

Bring it on!

If we could pull this off, The Bad Guys will finally be in the big leagues.

We’ll go down in history.

Heistory! Missed it!

Copying the map onto our phones.

[phones chiming]

Let’s get ready for a heistathon.

It’s glorious.

[Snake] You hit heistvana.

Ooh! You’re the Michelangelo of plans.

The Michelplangelo.

Wow. We’re absolutely not getting our security deposit back.

The first item is somewhere in the museum.

Our only window to pull it off is the guard shift change, which just happens to be right about now.

[heist music playing]

[gruff voice] Stop right there!

[bell dings] What’s going on?

[in gruff voice]

I got here early for our shift change and spotted these crusty-lookin’ scoundrels on the prowl.

No need to call it in.

I’ve got it covered.

Why don’t you head out early?

Oh.

That’s real generous of you… “Not Shark.”

[tense music playing]

Now, that is a great name.

Might have to steal it for my firstborn. [chuckles] Now, that’s a weird thing to say.

[Wolf] Once the guard’s gone, Webs will disengage the security system.

[keyboard clacking] You’re clear to proceed.

[Wolf] Our mark is Sad Boy?

Okay, remember, don’t look directly at the painting, or else…

Too late. I couldn’t help it.

[Snake sobs]

Oh, crud. Now I’m looking too.

Where’s the code number?

I can’t see.

His sad little mug is clouding my eyes up.

[sniffling]

Let’s just jet. Webs will figure it out.

D.B. Cougar was a legendary thief.

He wouldn’t leave code numbers in clear sight, like a noob.

My guess?

He used a phosphor to hide them.

Bingo.

[whooping]

[Wolf] Yes! That’s a number, baby!

We’ve got the first number.

The remaining heists are too far apart.

We won’t finish in time if we go one by one. We split up.

Webs and Shark will take item number two, Snake and I will take three, and Piranha will take four.

Then we rendezvous at the location of the last item.

Remember, tonight cements The Bad Guys as bigshot criminals.

D.B. Cougar believed I, and you by extension, could do this.

Let’s prove him right.

We have to be at our best, our sharpest, so turn those predator instincts all the way up.

My mom’s? Again?

Jealous! Can we please swap items?

Yes!

No! Stick to the plan.

I hate you and this murder house.

You love me.

I have that macaroni valentine to prove it.

I know things were tough the last time we were here, but we know what we’re doing now.

We’ll be in and out in a jiff.

[chandelier creaking]

[floor squeaking]

That’s it, over there.

Huh. I kind of like it.

Gives me a nostalgic, cold feeling of dread.

Makes sense. It’s your mom, right?

What? No! Get it off me!

You’re the one holding it!

And you dropped it.

We’re never gonna get the number now.

[Serpentina] Not unless I tell you.

[claw whirring]

[teddy squeaks]

Kind of weird that D.B. hid an item in the arcade.

I thought heisting a claw machine would be fun, but I’m almost out of change, and mad!

Well, that bear has the code. Quarter me.

Check it.

[whirring]

[groans] I do not like that.

It looks like a spider.

Dude! And you’ll like it fine when it gives us infinite tries.

Put it in the coin slot.

[teddy squeaks]

[gasps, groans]

[teddy squeaks]

[growls]

[grunts]

This claw machine is rigged. It’s a thief!

I mean, so are we, but at least we’re honest about it.

[grunts]

How is it not breaking?

I guess they amped up security after we stole from them.

Someone will have to go inside to grab the bear.

I volunteer as tribute.

[grunts]

I was clearly talking about me!

Why am I back at the lair?

[Wolf on earpiece]

Why did you leave?

[chuckling]

It’s where your item is.

We talked about this.

Doesn’t ring a bell. But I’ll look around.

[grunts]

[panting]

[electricity crackling]

[jabbers]

[grunts]

[groans] Webs must have set up more security.

How do I get in?

[drone whirring]

[automated voice] Intruder.

[Piranha yells]

[spits]

[grunts]

[neighbor] What was that noise?

I’d better take a look.

No! Uh…

It’s just us again, with more a cappella practice. Haha!

[drone whirring]

[grunts]

[neighbor] Why does it sound so percussive?

We’re adding big band elements.

[drones clattering]

Nice cymbal work, other person.

[in high-pitched voice]

Thanks, Piranha. You’re so cool.

[in normal voice]

Aw, shucks. You’re so cool.

[in high-pitched voice] This is crazy, but should we grab dinner tonight?

[drones whirring]

[grunting continues]

[big band music playing]

[neighbor] Whoo! That’s good stuff.

Serpentina! You know the number?

You gotta tell us. Please.

I don’t “gotta” do anything.

Of course, if I had incentive, say, of the 24carat variety…

You know about the bullion?

Mothers know everything.

[sighing] All right. What’s it gonna take?

A clean 90/10 split in my favor, and I’ll give you the information you need.

What? No way.

Shove it, Ma.

Then off to my evening soak I go.

Okay. What if we give up 15%?

[Serpentina scoffs]

Um… [sighs] We’ll throw in Snake’s ball.

No! Not in a million years.

[Wolf] Think about it.

Fifty bill worth of bullion?

The respect of the criminal community?

Folks using “notorious” before our names, all for one ball?

Plus, we’ll just steal it back.

[retches]

The number was a three.

Now, get out and get me my cut.

[heist music playing]

[automated voice] Foreign object detected.

[gasps] Webs!

[grunts]

[alarm wailing]

[gasps]

Webs!

[yelling] What are you doing?!

[whimpers]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[grunts] Got it.

[gasps]

[whimpers] Come on, Shark. Do something!

[automated voice] Foreign object detected.

Nice, Shark!

[teddy squeaks]

It’s a seven.

[Piranha screams]

[grunts]

[groans]

Home not-so-sweet home.

[grunting continues]

[sighs] This is almost as bad as looking for parking.

I’ll never find the number in all this mess.

Oh, I’m pooped.

Hoo! Ha! Get pumped, Piranha!

[grunts] The Bad Guys are on their way to glorious… uh… glory, yeah.

You need to do your part!

Ooh!

[gulping]

[steam hisses]

[exclaims]

[unhinged laughter, panting]

[laughter, panting continues]

Team, the fourth number is a nine.

Or… Or a six? No, a nine. I don’t know!

[Webs] Just bring the loot with you.

We gotta go find the last item.

[automated voice]

We are back with a new update.

How?

[grunts]

[tank hissing]

Uh-oh. This may be a one-way ticket.

[explosion]

I hope everything’s all right with Piranha. He’s running late.

Piranha! Haha!

Ooh! You… Are you on fire?

[flame crackling]

What? No! Are you?

W-what’s with all the questions?

Aren’t we on a time crunch?

[gulping]

You’re right.

There’s only 20 minutes till midnight.

Twenty minutes to heist another item and get to the bullion?

The timing is tight, but we’ve already pulled four heists.

One more, and we’ll prove we’re the best criminals in the city.

We started with nothing, and now we have a lair full of loot.

[Snake] You’re right!

[Webs] We’re gonna crush this!

And be the best of crooks.

[Ricki cackles] Hoo!

[engine revving] The best of crooks?

That’s a good one, coming from the lair-less losers with no loot.

The Night Owls?

What are you talking about?

No need to play dumb.

Word’s already spread like fire, pun intended, through the criminal underworld.

Your lair blew up, with all your loot!

[cackles] Hoo!

That’s ridiculous.

[Piranha farting squeakily]

Piranha, why aren’t you saying anything?

Your nervous squeakers freak me out.

Fine! Yes, it’s true.

[squeaky farting]

The lair blew up after I got the necklace, but because of Webs’ drones.

They thought I was an intruder!

We had a whole house meeting on how to deactivate the security system.

You just say “deactivate,” and they shut down.

Uh… Doesn’t ring a bell?

[squeaky fart]

[Ricki laughs]

Now The Bad Guys have nothing, and The Night Owls have one less criminal group to worry about.

Oh, what a hoot of an evening!

Thanks for the laughs, losers.

[Ricki cackles]

Hoo!

How could this happen?

We’re laughingstocks.

Our lair, our loot.

Was everything we did until now for nothing?

Well, I guess what they say is true.

You should never try to achieve anything in life.

Let’s just go home.

Oh, wait. We don’t have a home.

It was an accident. I’m sorry.

[Webs] Guys, look!

[beeping] The fifth dot is moving, away from us.

Whatever. What’s another kick when we’re already down?

That’s right. We’re down.

Ricki said it too. We have nothing.

Which means we have nothing to lose.

We’re all in.

The only one to ever pull off anything this crazy is my mentor, and if we get his bullion, we’ll show him and the world that The Bad Guys are the baddest of the bad.

Yeah. I didn’t give up my ball to slither away emptyhanded.

Let’s get this heist on the road.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

We’re almost to the fifth item.

It’s on The Night Owls’ truck.

[Webs] That’s it.

[Wolf gasps] Stop the car and hand over your hood ornament, Ricki.

Are you kidding me?

Why would we give anything to you crime-wads?

[tires screeching]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

The steering wheel’s not working!

Oh, we’re being hacked!

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

I’m blocking Ash’s signal, but she’s not giving up.

[tires screeching]

[laptop whirring]

[Night Owls grunt]

Take out the big one.

He’s clearly the muscle.

I’m not the muscle, I’m the thespian.

Release me, ye fiends!

Ha! You can’t fool the Chazster.

Muscle recognizes muscle.

Five minutes until midnight!

Are you crazy?

You’re gonna end up as roadkill!

We’re so close to getting that gold.

We need to pull this off to be great.

[Wolf whimpers]

[clattering]

[Wolf sighs]

If you’re gonna do something crazy, at least let us help.

Don’t mind if I do.

Your tail. I have a plan.

Yeehaw! [grunts] We got it!

[Webs laughs] You rotten, no-good thieves!

First, the emerald, now this?

Quick, Piranha! Less than a minute left.

To the bullion!

[tires screeching]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[engine stops]

[Piranha] We lost ’em!

[Webs] The map says we’re close.

Turn in here, now!

[Wolf] There’s only ten seconds left!

[keypad beeping] Five, seven, three!

Careful.

I… I can’t do this.

I got the shakes. Too much coffee!

Six or nine? Six or nine?

Piranha, this is a four!

[keypad beeps] One!

[beep]

[in unison] Whoa!

[gasps] Private parking.

[elevator bell dings]

Who’s ready for some bullion?

[Shark gasps]

[Shark] Huh?

Why don’t I see anything but a stupid mirror?

[spluttering] This can’t be it.

Where’s the gold?

I thought we hit rock bottom earlier.

Who knew there was another bottom beneath that bottom?

But w-we were gonna show the world how great The Bad Guys are.

[sighs] I guess we’re losers after all.

Cut it out, Wolfie.

I’m the only Bad Guy allowed to say bad things about The Bad Guys.

Could a bunch of losers pull off five heists in one night?

Six, if you count that statue.

Wolf, what did your mentor’s will say he was leaving you exactly?

His “greatest accomplishment.”

Look up.

We misunderstood the will.

His greatest accomplishment wasn’t the bullion.

It was you.

And I’m nothing without you guys.

I was so fixated on proving that we’re the baddest of the bad, when we already are.

It’s not about the loot, the lair, or the recognition.

The most important part of pulling heists is that we all enjoy doing it together.

That’s what makes The Bad Guys great.

We still need a new place to live.

Yeah. It would be great to have parking this time, like that elevator back there.

And someplace soundproof, with thick walls like these.

If we’re comparing, I really like how isolated this place is.

Our neighbor always peeks in on my backyard rehearsals. Creep.

Is it just me, or would this hideout make a pretty fantastic lair?

I think this is it, fam.

I won’t have to crouch.

Good feng shui.

Pretty empty though.

I suppose we’ll have to get heisting again to really fill the place up.

[chuckles]

I already have tons of ideas.

[bell dings]

[beeping]

[beeping continues]

[cackles menacingly]