Original release date: 14 January 2022
Tony takes a trip with Matt to honor his father. James has second thoughts about his new living arrangements. Tony helps Kath score a date.
* * *
[Tony] Boing.
[Lisa] Boing.
[Tony] Boing.
[Lisa laughs] Hang on.
[Tony] Boing!
[laughs]
[Tony] Boing!
[Matt] Do you think she likes it?
[Tony] Boing!
Yeah.
[Jill] Look at her face.
[Tony] Boing!
[Jill] Oh, I want a dog.
No.
Yeah, let’s get a dog.
No, because they don’t live that long, do they?
Then it’s really sad…
What?
Sorry, Brandy, but it’s true that… you know, it’s just incredibly upsetting when dogs die.
[Tony] Yeah, I mean… Which brings me to my next point, Dad.
It’s getting to that time when we need to start thinking about your funeral, mate.
[gasps] Leave him alone! You’ve got 20 years, Ray.
I hope not.
What sort of a question is that?
[Tony] Well, we need to know, don’t we?
Well, what about you?
[Tony] Don’t care. You?
I wanna be buried in the churchyard.
And then people can bring flowers every day and cry.
[Tony] For the first couple of days maybe. Then it’s, “Oh, fuck it, it’s raining.”
[Jill laughs] That’s nice.
Cremated.
[Tony] See? Yeah. Exactly. No fuss. Not selfish.
And I want you to scatter my ashes in Midlake, where I met your mum.
[Tony] Yeah, I’m not going all the way to Midlake just for that, I’ll be honest.
It’s only an hour or so drive.
[Tony] Yeah, I don’t drive, do I?
Well, it’s my last request! [laughs]
[Tony] So? Okay, I’ll say yes now, but then you won’t know, will you?
I just won’t bother when it comes to it.
Where in Midlake, Ray?
Uh, The Traveler’s Friend.
A lovely old pub. I proposed there as well.
[Tony] It’s probably a phone shop now.
What do you think about that?
Your only son won’t drive up the road to scatter your ashes.
He’ll do it. He’s a good boy.
Aw.
[slow music playing]
[dog whimpers]
Oh, hi. You all right?
What do you think?
No?
Correct.
It’s getting too much. What can I do?
I dunno. You knew what she did for a living. You were all right with it.
But I didn’t think she’d still be doing it when we became an item.
Doesn’t happen in the movies, does it?
Richard Gere doesn’t turn up in a white limousine and climb up the fire escape and Julia Roberts says, “Oh, can you give us a sec?”
“I’m just sucking off Bobby Chang, the dry cleaner.”
How do you know she sucked him off?
Oh, he told me.
He didn’t know she was my missus. I didn’t say anything. I just felt sick.
I was in shock.
I just feel so depressed.
Well, maybe you should talk to her.
[Pat] I can’t! I feel stupid.
Why don’t you talk to her?
No, definitely not! I haven’t seen her for ages.
She doesn’t come around now. I assumed she was busy.
Oh yeah, she’s busy all right.
Sure.
Well, you should talk to someone.
I am.
I’m not qualified…
Yes, you are.
You were depressed and suicidal, weren’t you?
You’re not suicidal, are you?
No, couldn’t be arsed.
Good.
Come on, help us out. It’s your fault!
Oh, right.
Oh, please?
[scoffs]
Let me have a think. Fuck’s sake!
Go on.
[piano music playing]
Hi.
[Emma] Hi.
Um,
I’ve decided to go on a little trip to scatter my dad’s ashes.
Oh, that’s sweet. Where?
Um, a little village where he proposed to Mum.
His last wish and all that.
My ashes?
No, not your ashes.
You’re not dead yet, are you?
Also, you’re not my dad, remember?
Uh, am I adopted?
Fuck me, it’s like I’ve got a replacement.
That would probably work out quite well ’cause his own son never sees him.
Barely had time to stick him in here before he emigrated to Australia.
[Tony] Yeah?
Okay?
Oh.
Life’s cruel. [sighs]
[Emma] Drink it up, then. Yeah.
Hey. Hey. Hmm.
Okay?
[groans]
That was touch and go. Like a goldfish on the carpet.
Where?
No, there’s no…
There we go.
[Emma chuckles]
[chuckles]
How’s your new place?
Uh, well, I’m grateful to Ken.
But, like, you know, he’s not charging me, and it is better than living at home, but he keeps coming round looking for me.
Honestly, I hear him on the stairs and I just freeze, and then he tries the door and then I’m just…
I’ve started staying quiet until he goes away. I’m living like Anne Frank.
[laughs]
You’ll find somewhere better.
Hmm.
Hello, darling. I’m Ratty. This is the Nonce.
All right? We’re here about a story. We do a podcast.
Oy, oy. Here he is.
Hey! Hey!
Remember us, son? You want to cover our story in your paper.
We do a podcast with your ex-shrink, you fucking psycho! [laughs]
You’re psychiatrists?
No, not us! No, we’re in finance.
But the thing we share is that we’re men, and we’re proud of it.
And that’s what the podcast is all about. It’s just encouraging men to be men.
Although it is inclusive. We do get some birds listening in.
Mainly ones that are sick of all this fucking new man bollocks. [laughs]
But we just want to help the world man up.
Listen. We talk about it all day. Why don’t we…
Get it out!
We’ll broadcast on Twitter and show you how we do the work.
[Nonce] This is exciting.
[Ratty] Send out a notification to the followers.
Get on the live and here we go.
Tell them we’re here.
Hello, you fucking shits!
You dickheads!
We’re here at The Tambury Gazette doing an interview.
Say hello, darling. Go on.
I’d rather not.
Oh, she’s shy! But that’s all right.
We’re just doing this as a test. Main broadcast tonight.
[Nonce] Testing. Testing my testicles!
[Ratty] Testing one, two, three.
Testing my testicles all over. Oh my God, they’re so full!
They’re so full of jizz.
[Ratty laughs]
Ooh.
Done a sex wee, all in your in-tray!
Tested my testes all over your nan!
I was all like, “Crack, crack, crack,” right in her fucking mooey.
She was like, “Oh, thanks, darling. I needed that.”
“What you been eating?”
Don’t worry about that, Nana.
Don’t slip over on all that hairy monkey slosh plop.
As for you, gammon_69…
Okay, guys. Guys! Okay, that’s enough.
Come on. This is an office.
“Guys, this is an office!”
Fucking hell, Prince Andrew’s kicking off, isn’t he?
You fucking rotter! Get back in your fucking box!
I’m only fucking about.
He’s just taking the piss. Don’t worry.
Ratty and the Nonce Podcast. Namaste.
Health and well-being section, yeah?
Um, I’ll get that written up. Thanks for the scoop. Cheers, boys.
[sighs]
I was that close to getting a bit physical there.
But violence isn’t the answer, so, definitely not, no.
Getting the hang of how things work?
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Getting there.
Come through. There’s a bit more space in here.
Ooh. Has one of you pumped?
No, that’s the house.
Oh.
Brian smells the same. You can sniff him. He smells the same.
Oh, yeah.
That’s your smell, innit?
Yes.
Yeah. Sort of like poo and wee and sweat.
And fear and shame.
[chuckles] Mainly shit.
Whatever works for you, mate.
Cheers.
Hmm.
Do you mind if I clear all this junk up, Brian?
Yeah, go for it.
Do you mind if I don’t watch?
Bit emotional.
Right.
Let’s get crackin’.
[Brian] Yeah.
Tired?
A little bit.
I won’t take long. Um…
So, when did you get banned from the all-you-can-eat buffet?
[Ewen] Last month.
Still angry about it.
Sure. And what reason did they give?
Oh, they were perfectly honest.
They said I was putting them out of business.
They’d never seen anything like it.
I mean, they’d given me a few warnings for eating too much, but I said, “How can I eat too much if it’s all I can eat’?”
Mm.
Good point. And, uh, how often did you go?
Every day. Lunch and dinner.
You went twice a day?
No, just once, from lunch until dinner.
Then I was full. And I could hardly walk home some days.
And so you went every day for, what, six hours?
Yeah, six or seven hours. I wasn’t eating the whole time.
I mean, I’d fall asleep now and again, but I’d wake up if someone came to clear my plate away.
Right, and how much did it cost?
Ten pounds per person per visit.
That’s why I went once and stayed.
You know, I was really getting my money’s worth.
I mean, most people can manage two or three slices of pizza and a couple of portions of pasta, but pizza’s mostly bread and pasta costs nothing, so that’s how the restaurant makes its profits.
I would get 20 or 30 slices of pizza, scrape off the toppings. I’d leave the base.
Decoy.
Same with the spaghetti Bolognese.
I’d make about 15 trips, and I’d pick all the meat out of the spaghetti.
Was left with about five pounds of beef.
I had all the time in the world.
You don’t work?
No.
Took early retirement to get disability benefits.
Oh, um, if you don’t mind me asking, um, what’s wrong with you?
Well, look at me.
I’m absolutely fucked.
Where exactly is this place?
Just take a picture.
Yeah? Okay.
Smile.
[camera clicks]
Great.
[Tony] That annoyed me.
Because he’s greedy?
No.
Well, yeah, he is greedy, obviously.
[man chattering]
But he’s right.
They’re building their brand on the promise that you can eat as much as you want.
A babyccino afterwards?
You can’t suddenly renege on the deal ’cause someone eats too much or too often or you’ve got to change the rules. For everyone though.
Be upfront.
The quinoa?
[laughs] You love your quinoa.
[sighs] There’s no honor anymore.
[man] Have you done a big, farmyard poo?
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
You okay?
Yeah, why?
You just said, “For fuck’s sake,” so…
And you assumed summat had annoyed me?
Like someone making unnecessary noise?
Oh shit.
[sighs] He’s a baby.
[chuckles]
Yeah, but he’s not the one making all the noise, is he? You are.
To keep him amused. ‘Cause if he was crying, that would annoy people.
No, ’cause he’s a baby. You making all the noise is the annoying bit.
They’re sounds. They shouldn’t concern you.
You talk to your friend. I talk to my child.
But you can’t hear every word I’m saying, can you?
So what? There’s noise around. That’s life.
Okay. Good point.
Who’s a noisy prick?
You are! You big annoying prick!
Well, that’s pathetic.
Sorry, I’m talking to a friend.
Saying things others don’t want to hear.
So are you, but you don’t care, so…
Yeah! You’re a big, loud cock. Yes, you are!
You’re a hipster, gnome-looking fucking twat!
You big, annoying, loud cock in public! You are.
You’re a c*nt. You are. You are. You’re a c*nt!
I’m gonna…
[blows raspberry and babbles]
Big belly! You c*nt! [blows raspberry]
You big fucking c*nt!
[blowing raspberries] You big fucking c*nt!
They’re just sounds.
[Matt] I’ll tell you what, I’ll drive you to the table tennis, and we’ll go together to Midlake.
[Tony] Okay.
[Matt] It’ll be fun.
[Tony] All right.
[Matt] We’ll do sort of a road trip. Get some snacks and CDs. It’ll be great.
Yeah. Cheers.
[Matt] Okay, good.
[sighs] Well, that’s the rest of my day sorted.
I’m playing him at table tennis, and then he’s driving me to Midlake to scatter my dad’s ashes.
Sounds like quite an exciting day.
[sighs] Yeah.
Fucking hell. What a bunch of losers we are.
Speak for yourself.
[Tony] Well, I was.
But also for anyone else who’s a loser like me.
Matt thinks he’s adventurous ’cause he owns a cagoule.
Lenny gets excited if he finds an uneaten biscuit in his pocket. Come on.
You’re right. [sighs] I’ve absolutely nothing interesting in my life.
Well, that’s not true.
Got a pretend boyfriend. I hate my job.
I’d rather do what you do, but I’ve lost my nerve.
Yeah, I can’t date anymore. All the best men are taken.
You know, or gay or mental.
I made a list for my perfect bloke. How tragic is that?
Oh, yeah, I’ve done that. What’s on yours?
Own car, house, own business, no kids.
Smart, you know, proper bloke. What was on yours?
Must have a face and a cock.
[Tony chuckles]
Kath. Fancy a coffee?
Yeah.
[sighs] I can’t be bothered anymore.
I mean, what’s the point, eh?
Yeah, I know how you feel.
Oh.
Excuse me?
Kath.
What?
What?
I thought you were gonna ask my name.
Why?
Yeah, why?
Don’t know.
Uh, do you have any change?
Oh, I don’t have any money.
I mean, I’ve got money.
I’ve got a good job.
I just left it at work.
Right. Okay.
You married?
Uh, no.
[Tony] Girlfriend?
No.
Gay?
No.
[Tony] Name?
Charles.
[Tony] Charles.
You met Kath?
Yeah.
Yep.
Why would you think I’m gay?
Why wouldn’t I?
What?
It doesn’t matter. Either way.
Would you like to go for a drink later?
Yeah.
Okay. Um, let me give you my card.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, I could die.
Why?
Of embarrassment! I was so uncool.
He liked you.
No, he didn’t!
He panicked and was polite.
Lawyers don’t panic.
That’s another thing. He’s a lawyer! He had the costume and everything.
Oh. I can’t tell him I work for a free local paper. He’ll think I’m a loser.
None taken.
Tell him you’re an investigative journalist.
No, that’ll frighten him. He’ll think I’m looking into him.
What would a lawyer want me to be?
A murderer.
What?
[scoffs]
Just be yourself.
Tell the truth.
Always tell the truth.
This is even worse.
What is?
You sat there doing a fucking word search!
[scoffs] Used to be porn, mate, stacked that high.
Those days are gone.
Five years ago, I could’ve knocked one out and got you right in the face.
I’ve wasted my life.
Ready?
[Matt] Yeah.
[Tony] All right. Let’s go.
Oh.
One, nil.
Come on.
Okay. All right, three, nil.
Oh, did that get a little nick on…
No.
Ow. Ooh.
Right in the bollocks!
Okay.
Oh.
Nineteen, two?
Three!
Is it? Okay.
Yeah.
Twenty, three.
Yeah. Fine.
Ugh.
Good game. [sighs]
I mean, it wasn’t athletic enough, really, was it? Just…
You were just standing there.
Yeah, hitting it back.
Yeah, but you’re not.
You’re barely moving.
Right.
So I think we need to do something a bit more sporty.
Okay.
Um, like tennis or something.
Yeah, great.
[Matt] Good. Okay.
‘Cause table tennis is just luck, isn’t it? It’s like pinball.
♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪
♪ Everybody’s feeling… ♪
Nah, that’s enough of that.
Put something you like on, then.
Yeah. There’s the challenge.
Will Smith, Willennium.
Yes, as in the Millennium.
Yeah, the last time anyone bought a CD.
Lighthouse Family.
Good band.
Love the Lighthouse Family.
Susan fucking Boyle?
Yeah?
What?
Out she goes.
Hey! What are you doing?
Did you… Not Bublé.
Yes, Bublé.
No! Are you mad? You’ll kill someone! Tony!
Radiohead.
That’s not mine.
No, I know. It’s good.
It’s Jill’s.
Lisa got it for her.
Did she?
Yeah, she loved ’em.
[“Let Down” playing]
♪ Transport ♪
♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪
♪ Starting and then stopping ♪
♪ Taking off and landing ♪
♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪
Cheers.
Cheers.
Um, so you’re a lawyer?
Uh, yes, a barrister.
[Kath] Right.
You?
No.
What?
No, I’m… I’m not a barrister.
Okay. Uh, what is your job?
Oh, my job?
Hmm.
Um, okay, I… I’m not gonna lie.
I’m a doctor.
[Charles] Wow.
Yeah.
You got a practice?
No need! Done all that!
Got my certificate and everything.
What?
What did you say?
Oh, um, do you have a practice? Are you a GP or a surgeon in a hospital?
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
Um, I work in a hospital as a doctor.
Right.
Should we order?
Yeah.
Huh.
I have lived a life, boy.
Yeah?
[Brian] Yes.
Yeah, roller-coaster.
She was one hell of a woman, sexually.
A wild creature that could not be tamed.
Great sex.
Great sex.
I made a porno of her.
Right on this very carpet.
She said she wanted a threesome with me and Roly Carter.
Absolute monster of a man. Do you know him?
No.
Six foot three.
280 lb. with his jewelry on.
I agreed. [giggles]
Turns out she just wanted me to hold the camcorder.
Not a problem.
“Whatever you want, my darling.”
So she’s on all fours and he’s round the back door, doing her doggy style.
I’m capturing the whole damn thing.
She was absolutely fucking loving it. I could see it in her eyes.
And then Roly looks at me, out of the blue, straight down the lens, and shakes his head, as if to say, “This is absolutely fucking awful.”
I didn’t know if he meant the quality of the production or the rough carpet on his knees. Turns out he meant the smell of her growler.
Here we go.
Thank you.
[Charles] Thanks.
Lovely.
Do you, uh… Do you get a chance to cook much? In your…
Oh, no. No, I’m rushed off my feet.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Most days.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just have to get frozen meals for one in.
Oh, that’s so sad.
Yeah.
[woman chocking]
Um, she’s a doctor!
Off duty!
What?
I’m off duty.
Okay.
That’s it.
She’s fine. Thought so.
[scoffs]
Why didn’t you help her?
[man panting]
[Tony] This place is amazing.
Built in the 14th century or something?
I dunno.
Oh.
This must be the table he proposed at. It was under the portrait of the Queen.
Really?
Yeah, let’s sit here.
That’s great.
Wow.
[sighs] Think of all the people that have been here.
Here’s a good place.
Okay.
Um…
What are you doing?
I’m just sprinkling a few of my dad’s ashes.
On the carpet?
Yeah, it was his last request.
Oh, was it? It’s not him who’s gonna have to clear it up, is it?
Mate, it’s a silly little ritual. Okay?
There’s no harm. I know they get cleared away. So…
It’s vandalism.
It’s not vandalism, is it?
There’s no damage.
Littering, then.
[sighs] It’s my dad’s ashes, okay?
He used to come here all the time. It’s my way of paying my respects.
Well, sprinkle ’em in the bin. What difference does it make?
I’m sure he didn’t specify sprinkling them on the bloody carpet.
No, but this is the table he proposed to my mother at, okay?
I recognize it from his description.
It’s dust, for Christ’s sake!
[man] It’s disgusting.
What about diseases?
What diseases?
[man] From dead bodies!
It’s not a dead body, is it?
If I dragged him in from the morgue and dumped him on the carpet, maybe you’d have every right to be annoyed.
Well, I do have every right. I can do what I want. It’s my pub.
I can bar you, and I don’t have to give a reason. The two of you, out!
Take your rubbish with you.
Rubbish?
Ugh. You stupid bastard!
A bit went in my mouth!
Good. I hope that was his cock, you stupid c*nt.
Ugh.
Ugh.
[Matt] “I hope that was his cock, you stupid c*nt.”
[laughs]
[both laughing]
[car engine starts]
[Tony] Oh.
[“Let Down” playing]
♪ Transport ♪
♪ Motorways and tramlines ♪
♪ Starting and then stopping ♪
♪ Taking off and landing ♪
♪ The emptiest of feelings ♪
♪ Disappointed people ♪
♪ Clinging onto bottles ♪
♪ When it comes, it’s so so ♪
♪ Disappointing ♪
♪ Let down and hanging around ♪
