Tinsel Town (2025)
Genre: Comedy
Director: Chris Foggin
Screenplay: Piers Ashworth, Adam Brown, Frazer Flintham
Release date: 28 November 2025 (United States); 5 December 2025 (United Kingdom)
Stars: Kiefer Sutherland (Bradley Mack), Rebel Wilson (Jill), Alice Eve (Grace), Katherine Ryan (Agent), Derek Jacobi (Albert)
Plot: Due to his career as an action star leading to being typecast and blacklisted Bradley Mack finds himself high and dry without any potential roles. Leading to his agent offering him to fly to England to do theatre work, however instead of doing any serious thespian performances in the west end, Bradley is stunned to discover he has been commissioned to portray the part of “Buttons” in a small town pantomime of Cinderella.
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Tinsel Town (2025) | Transcript
And what the case here clearly needs is…
My daughter!
He’s got my daughter!
Judge, you’re mistaken.
The only need is me.
This way!
No. This way.
Hey!
Where’s her daughter?
Watch out!
It’s gonna blow!
[director]
Cut there.
[assistant]
Reset.
What are you doing?
You know me.
I never do my own stunts.
Clarky boy. You’re up.
Well, maybe if you worked out once in a while, Brad.
Some of the biggest stars do their own stunts.
Not this big star, but if you wanna talk about it further over drinks?
Mm. Can my husband and two small children come too?
You’re cute.
I’ll take a rain check.
Alf.
Brad.
Wonderful work today.
It’s A Killing Time 7’s gonna be fresher than 4 and 5. Well, thanks, buddy.
But I still have concerns over scene 22.
I think I’m coming off a little unlikeable and the woman’s really underwritten.
Well, I may…
Not now, sugar.
You know what?
I’m gonna sort that for you.
You’re my man.
[Alf] Stand by, everyone.
Good luck, Maggie.
It’s Martha.
Who cares?
Hey.
I’m so sorry to ask, Mr Mac, but would you say it please?
The only need is me.
I’m going to miss these movies.
Miss?
What do you mean, miss?
I don’t believe it. They don’t wanna make Killing Time 8? Still. You had a good run.
We only made seven films.
Each one better than the last.
You know, forget it.
Fine.
What’s next?
Listen, Brad, I’ll level with you.
There is no next.
Er, the bottom line is people don’t want to hire you.
What? Why?
‘Cause I’m too expensive?
Er, because you’re difficult.
You’re late on set and you refuse to do your own stunts.
You don’t remember names.
You failed your medicals.
Oh, my God. How many times do I have to say it?
It was the day after the Super Bowl.
When me and the boys get together, stuff goes down.
There’s gotta be some kind of romcom I can do.
Or a biopic.
We could use this as an opportunity for me to really stretch.
With the right makeup artist, I could play Barack Obama.
Christ.
Yeah.
Probably still too young, huh?
Look, there is one thing knocking around.
What?
Theatre in England.
In front of a live audience?
Exactly.
Well, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but you and I both know I only ever took that one film acting class.
I mean, I might be a natural, but theatre kind of scares me.
You, scared?
I’ve only ever done films.
Well, it’s exactly the same.
Just louder.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you sure that’s it?
Trust me.
Huh.
Louder.
You know what? Count me in.
Great.
Now we are talking about a very traditional production, but with your name on the marquee, it’ll sell out in seconds.
Me, a sell out!
You said it, kid, not me.
And doesn’t your daughter live in England?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don’t get to see her as much any more.
Well, this is a chance to reconnect.
We’re connected.
I just don’t get to see her as much as I want to.
So. Theatre in England?
Yes!
You know what?
We’re gonna show the whole world what Bradley Mac can do.
Because when push comes to shove, the only need is me.
Oh, Jesus.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Would you like to have a look at the menu, sir?
I’m sorry to disturb you, but we’ve been watching you the whole flight.
My husband and I…
We’re just huge fans of the Killing Time movies.
Thank you.
That’s very kind.
It’s so inspiring to see a man of your age still throw themselves around.
In all fairness, I like the first one much more than the last one, but who cares?
They’re fun!
Yeah.
What kind of woman doesn’t love a cuddly older man?
Chocolate chip cookie?
No. I’m good, thanks.
Have a good flight.
Hello, Mr Mac.
Hi.
Hi again.
I’m just in the limo.
Rented, but still a limo. Where are you?
No, I’m outside. I’ve got a sign. You won’t miss me. Where outside?
Just outside arrivals, mate. Mr Mac, I’m Nigel Brand.
Here to take you to the Savoy.
The Savoy again.
I gotta say, I’m a huge fan.
I just loved Top Gun. Oh, heated seats as requested.
Oh, and here’s your natural volcanic water, sir.
Thank you.
[Christmassy music]
♪ Snow is falling
all around me ♪
♪ Children playing,
having fun ♪
♪ It’s the season ♪
♪ Love and understanding ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ At the parties and
celebrations ♪
♪ People dancing
all night long ♪
♪ Time for presents
and exchanging kisses ♪
♪ Time for singing
Christmas songs ♪
♪ We’re gonna have
a party tonight ♪
♪ I’m gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe ♪
♪ And kiss by candlelight ♪
♪ The room is swaying,
records playing ♪
♪ All the old songs
we love to hear ♪
♪ Oh, I wish that
every day was Christmas ♪
♪ What a nice way
to spend the year ♪
♪ Whoo, yeah ♪
And on your left, Mr Mac, you’re going to see…
Mr Mac?
♪ We’re gonna have
a party tonight ♪
♪ I’m gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe ♪
♪ And kiss by candlelight ♪
♪ Snow is falling ♪
♪ All around me ♪
♪ Children playing,
having fun ♪
♪ It’s the season ♪
♪ Love and understanding ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ Snow is falling
all around me ♪
♪ Children playing,
having fun ♪
♪ It’s the season ♪
♪ Love and understanding ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ Snow is falling
all around me ♪
♪ Children playing,
having fun ♪
♪ It’s the season ♪
♪ Love and understanding ♪
♪ Merry Christmas, everyone ♪
♪ Oh, snow is falling ♪
All right. Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
Mr Mac, we’re here.
[yawns]
What are you talking about?
Where’s Big Ben?
Harrods? Downton Abbey?
Nah, we missed all that, sleepyhead, but welcome, Mr Mac, to the Savoy.
Now there is currently no running water, but you don’t mind skipping a shower day, do you?
Is this some kind of a joke?
Is what a joke?
Where the hell’s London?
Well, it’s three hours that way, sir.
[laughs]
You are good, my friend.
So this is some kind of hidden camera show.
I got it from here.
Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, come out from wherever you’re hiding, dude.
Yeah.
Erm, this is your hotel, Mr Mac.
All the big turns stay at the Savoy Guest House when they’re performing at Stoneford’s Theatre Royal.
Yeah. I’ll show you.
Fine.
I’ll play along.
Wow.
What the…
♪ It’s beginning to look
a lot like Christmas ♪
There he is!
Get him! Get him!
[children calling out in excitement]
[indistinct chatter]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Darling, Brad, here you are at last.
Welcome to Stoneford, [all] Welcome to Stoneford.
He’s even more gorgeous in the flesh.
I’m Callum. The Prince.
Massive fan, mate.
The only need is… yeah.
Yeah.
Not exactly sure what’s going on here, but obviously there’s been some kind of…
Brenda. Fairy godmother.
Izzy, Cinderella.
Fanny.
And Annie.
We’re the ugly stepsisters.
We do it every Christmas.
Yeah, and on birthdays.
Oh, you are filthy!
Bababa, Bababa. Russell.
Baron Hardup.
Hilda from box office.
Jean the cleaner.
Jonty on sound.
Frank on lights.
Neigh.
Your distinguished director Cassandra Collins, OBE, under me, over me.
[all laugh]
And you are?
Jill, the choreographer.
And I hate to be a realist, but we’ve only got a few days to get this show on the road.
So if everyone’s finished fawning, let’s take it from the top of act one.
You’ll need these tap shoes.
Er, stop. Everybody.
Just stop for a second, please.
Again, not sure what’s happening here.
But I definitely did not sign up for this.
Sorry, for what, duck?
This, whatever this is.
What is this?
A low-rent production of Cats? Darling.
It’s a pantomime.
A panto-what?
Cinderella!
And you are our Buttons.
Oh, no, I’m not!
[all] Oh, yes, you are!
Is it the large, padded horse that’s throwing you off?
Okay. Brenda, darling, why don’t you show him?
Show me what?
[indistinct chatter]
Pantomime, Brad, or panto for short, is an annual British tradition.
A quintessential part of Christmas.
Think fairy tales, but fun!
Aladdin, Cinderella, Dick Whittington…
I beg your pardon?
You’ve got men dressed as women.
Women dressed as men.
Horses played by people plus pop songs and pyrotechnics.
Always a happy ending with an enormous explosion covering the whole auditorium.
Brenda, try not to be so crude.
There are children present.
Double entendres too, Brad, you like those, I’m sure.
Mind you, there’re a lot to get your mouth around.
Alright, my darlings, we begin.
[jaunty music]
Oh my God.
♪ You look like fun to me ♪
♪ You look a little like
somebody I know ♪
Come on, sheeple!
♪ How this ends because ♪
♪ I’ll be in your head
all weekend ♪
♪ Shivers and butterflies ♪
♪ I get the shivers
when I look into your eyes ♪
♪ And I can tell
that you’re all in ♪
♪ Because I can hear
your heart beating ♪
♪ Padam, padam, padam ♪
♪ I hear it and I know ♪
♪ Padam, padam, I know
you want to take me home ♪
Keep up the energy.
Remember, people are paying for this.
♪ When your heart goes padam ♪
It’ll all make sense eventually, dear.
♪ I know you want
to take me home, padam ♪
♪ And take off all my clothes,
padam, padam ♪
♪ When your heart goes padam ♪
Haha! Yes!
Right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for wasting my time.
Good luck.
Never say good luck in the theatre, Brad.
Yeah.
We’re cursed.
Brad.
What’s the problem?
You’re kidding.
What’s the problem?
Okay, here’s the problem.
I’m stuck here in Hookeyville somewhere north of nowhere, surrounded by singing sheep and ageing alcoholics.
Okay.
You are my agent.
You need to get me out of here as quickly as possible.
Oh, but Brad, you did read the script, right?
No, not, not…
And the terms of the contract?
[horn honks]
Get out of the road, you idiot.
Exactly.
Look, honey, I’ve been your agent for years, and the fact of the matter is, you’re lazy, ungrateful, and I’ve had just about enough rider requests for one lifetime.
Nobody needs a new pair of briefs every single day.
Brad Apollo Mac, it gives me the greatest of pleasures to finally say, you’re fired.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are fired.
Too late, buster.
You’re already off the books.
You’re gonna hear from my lawyer.
Who cares?
Your lawyer hates you too.
Merry Christmas, Buttons.
I wouldn’t worry about it, mate.
Gandalf’s done it too.
He still does, in fact.
Sir Ian McKellen’s done pantomime?
Oh, yeah.
All the big names.
David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, Barry off EastEnders. Eh?
I’m dead.
All right then.
Here we are.
Wow.
I don’t really need a themed room, a regular one’ll do.
What you mean, themed?
Hello, girls.
Kieran, what are you doing here?
I’m not gonna let you walk home in the dark on your own, am I?
So jump in the motor.
It’s a short walk. We’re fine.
It’s winter, Jill.
There’s a lot of naughty people knocking about, you know, like burglars.
Oh, you’ve heard about that, have you?
Of course I have.
Everyone’s talking about it.
Yeah.
Well, I hope you’re not mixed up in any of it.
Put the top up, Kieran.
It’s freezing.
How’s my baby?
I’m 13.
Well, you’ll always be my baby.
You’re looking forward to spending Christmas with your old dad this year?
What?
It’s my turn.
She’s got a part in the panto.
We discussed this.
Well, that was before I knew that you were both working with that Killing Time mug.
So, yeah.
Christmas with all your London cousins.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Cara?
[police siren in the distance]
Oh, well, I’ll give you a bell.
Love you, baby.
No, that’s disgusting.
[phone rings]
Oh, crap.
Hey, Grace, how are you?
Oh, Brad, are you in England?
Er, yeah, I’m at a silent shamanic retreat.
Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm. Any plans to see your daughter at all?
Can’t really talk right now.
Gotta stay quiet.
Convenient.
Emma, darling, it’s Daddy.
Okay, fine, Grace. I was supposed to do a play here.
Okay? In the theatre.
Exciting times.
Who’s the playwright, Brad?
Oh, Spencer, you’re there too?
Marlow? Jonson?
It’s gonna be down in Stoneford, okay?
Hey, Em. Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, Dad.
Mum says you’re in England.
[British accent]
That’s right, governor.
Don’t do the accent.
Yeah. Okay.
Look, sweetheart, the sad thing is I don’t think I’m gonna be able to see you on this trip.
Well, but you said that last time.
And the time before that.
And the time before that.
I know, I know, okay.
But this time is not my fault.
I’m not gonna be here long.
I’ve been conned. They weren’t even gonna give me a Winnebago.
But what about Christmas?
[sighs] Christmas.
Ugh.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I promise I’m gonna make it up to you, okay?
Hey, you liked that Amazon gift card I gave you last year, right? That way you can get exactly what you want.
Don’t worry, Dad.
Mum always told me to manage my expectations.
A pretty good life lesson, actually.
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me, okay? I promise I will make it up to you.
But now you sleep tight, my little angel.
[alarm clock beeps]
[church bell rings in distance]
Oh no, this is actually happening.
[whimpers]
[Nigel] Wait, Mr Mac.
I gotta say, Mr Mac, I’m surprised you didn’t flee in the middle of the night.
[laughs]
Imagine that.
Mad dash to the airport, straight onto a private jet.
But then again, I know you wouldn’t do that to us.
That’s a big bag for a rehearsal, innit?
[man] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me?
Sign in please.
Mr Mac.
It’s ten past ten.
You are late.
It’s fine. I won’t be staying.
Why is my name not at the top of the list?
Well, it’s alphabetical, Mr Mac.
Huh.
The name’s Albert, by the way.
Albert with an A.
I know your game.
Yeah.
[sighs]
Ciao, Brad.
Yeah, I know.
Hello.
Goodbye.
So sad.
Now, I take it you’ve read the script.
Sandra, if I had read this script, I wouldn’t have gotten on the plane.
You are hilarious.
So we’re gonna be starting with scene three.
It’s a tricky one, mind.
Wonderful.
Places, please, darlings.
Oh, hello, Buttons.
There you are.
Weren’t you supposed to be with the fairy in the dairy?
The fairy in the dairy, Fanny?
That’s right, Annie.
Far better than being on the hunt with…
Wait a second. Why is there plastic on the floor?
And why are you wearing a wig?
In the script it says…
Son of a bitch!
You should have known from my contract.
I don’t do my own stunts.
Somebody call me a car!
You’re a car.
You’re a jerk.
Don’t worry, Bradders.
It was an absolute honour to be punched in the face by you.
You can even do it harder next time.
Oh, yeah, Brad, she likes it hard.
Ooh, Fanny.
Okay, that’s it. I quit.
I’m on the red eye tonight.
[Jean] Have you got pink eye, darling?
I’ve got a cream that’s good for that.
What’s wrong with you people?
Actually, Brad, darling, you, erm, you can’t quit.
[chuckles] Excuse me?
Oh, yes.
Cassie’s right, darling.
Your clever little agent added in a liability clause.
Yep.
If you fail to perform even just one show, you’re liable to be sued for loss of proceeds for the entire run.
Ooh, I think I might be able to muster the six bucks.
Mm. The last time I looked, I think it was two million pounds.
Three million, actually.
You see, Christmas pantomimes make the money that keeps theatres open all year round.
Without that revenue, a lot of theatres would be forced to close down.
This one included.
Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah.
That is three million pounds, not dollars.
Okay, darling.
I’m gonna need some privacy.
Oh. Please don’t go, Brad.
Hate you, Brad? No.
Why would I hate you?
Your NDAs alone paid for my new pool.
Okay, good.
Good. That’s great.
So am I free?
Well, sadly, Brad, the contract’s pretty tight.
Unless there’s some kind of force majeure.
An explosion, tsunami, collapse of the Western world, which, let’s face it, isn’t far away.
You’re doing this, I’m afraid.
No, no, no, Sukie, please.
I can’t.
Why is this happening to me?
Well, your agent made a pretty solid deal.
Judas.
No, Julie.
You really gotta get better at remembering people’s name.
Hey…
What if I just walked, got on a plane and went home?
Oh, then they will sue and trust me, they will win.
But, hey, look on the bright side, Brad, this pantomime thing’s surprisingly well paid.
It is?
Sure, and given the state of your finances, I would stay put if I were you.
What about my finances?
Oh, Brad, please.
Five houses, one divorce, 200 K a year on tulips.
Your spending is out of control.
Why can’t anyone get this right?
It was $200,000 over two years.
And they weren’t tulips.
They were orchids from Namibia.
Well, Namibia it in the butt, pal, because the bottom line is, it’s Buttons or bust.
[whimpers]
I’m screwed.
[indistinct chatter]
Everybody’s a comedian.
Right then, what can I get you?
Oh, hello, Brad.
So you work here too?
Course I do.
Cost of living, mate, can never have too many jobs.
You’re telling me. I used to be the face of Breitling, Gucci, Constipate.
Exactly as it sounds.
Anyways, I’ll have a sparkling kombucha, a pistachio quinoa power bowl, and a side order of organic kale, low-alkaline please.
Yeah, we don’t have that.
Which part?
Any of it.
Fine. I’ll take your average, run-of-the-mill sushi.
Thank you.
Hi, Brad.
Hello, teenage girl.
I’m in the pantomime. Cara.
Of course you are.
For the Gram.
Oh, God.
I wish I had a gram right now.
[camera shutter clicks]
Listen, Brad, I just wanted to apologise for yesterday for being a bit rude.
It’s just we don’t have much time to rehearse.
And you being five days late wasn’t exactly helpful.
I’m five days late?
Oh, like you didn’t know that.
Of course not. ‘Cause I’m not supposed to be here.
My agent tricked me.
I’m supposed to be playing Macbeth at the Globe.
Oh, well, you’d freeze your tits off.
That place doesn’t even have a roof.
Okay. This was my chance to be taken seriously as an actor.
And now that’s not gonna happen.
Pantomime is serious.
I’m starting to think you might be a little serious.
You have a daughter, don’t you, Brad? Emma.
Yes. I may have Wikipediaed it.
Can you just imagine her looking at you on the stage putting massive smiles on everyone’s faces?
Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.
Not exactly the world’s greatest dad right now.
Kids are for life, Brad, not just for Christmas.
And think of Stoneford too.
Do you honestly think anyone’s gonna care?
Er, hello. Look around.
[camera shutters clicking]
So if you’re thinking of leaving us, Mr Mac, better do so soon ’cause we’d need to find another Buttons.
What the hell is that?
Sushi.
I googled it.
Well, it looks like you win.
I, Bradley Mac, three-time Razzie nominee, will be your Buttons.
Bravo!
Marvellous!
Hey, it’s dead flattering that, Brad.
Welcome to the madhouse, darling.
Who wants a gin?
Brenda. Not now.
First things first.
I wanna start with the motivational speech between Buttons and Cinderella.
Er, sorry, darling…
Erm, motivational speech?
Yeah. Where he tells her to stay strong in the face of adversity.
I’ve done it a hundred times.
Remember? Killing Time 2. I was four when that came out.
Yeah, same.
All I have to do is get my head in the character and it should be smooth sailing from there.
Absolutely, darling, give us your best shot.
Oh, heavens. He’s gonna go all Method on us, Brenda.
He’s not the only one.
[softly] Don’t cry, Cinderella.
Your stepmother and stepsister are mean because that’s their nature.
Things will get better.
You just have to believe.
And magic will happen.
Can I just, er, stop you for a moment, Brad?
Too good? I don’t want to show up the others.
Almost too good. Yup.
Now, Brad, darling, you are used to film where the camera can give you a lovely big closeup with the microphone and the edits.
Hey, I’m ready for my closeup, Mr Mac.
No one’s interested in your muscles, Callum.
Speak for yourself, love.
Want a go on that?
But on stage, it is completely different.
You have to project, you have to go big.
I know that.
I know that.
Louder.
Louder.
Okay. Big, big.
Gorgeous.
And… action!
Don’t cry, Cinderella!
Your stepmother and stepsisters are mean to you because it’s their nature!
Things will get better!
Something like that?
Mmhmm. Mm.
We’re screwed.
[phone buzzes]
Grace.
How’s my favourite ex-wife?
Oh, what do you care?
Now, listen, you can pick Emma up tomorrow.
You should consider yourself very lucky.
Tomorrow?
Yes.
And do not let her down this time.
What do you mean, this time?
Oh, come on, Brad.
Forget the Oscars.
You are literally first in line for Worst parent of the Year award.
Some parents are just so selfish, aren’t they?
What the…?
I’ll be there.
Good.
Oh, Brad, I’m so sorry, mate.
Come here.
Don’t.
Yeah, no, fair enough.
We’ve been broken into.
What?
Yeah.
Your suite’s been ransacked.
Why don’t you just get me another room with a bigger lock?
I would love to, but we, we are chock full of Santas and we’re the only hotel in town.
Well then, Mr Mac, you’d better come and stay at my place.
Thank you, Albert.
But I don’t want to put you out.
Oh, it’s fine.
We’ll find a way to squeeze you in.
I could bring whatever’s left of your stuff.
Thanks, Nigel.
Yeah, you’re welcome, mate.
Stay safe.
Wow. It was very thoughtful of you, Alby.
Hey, Albert, please.
Really like the electric car too.
Very green of you.
What’s all this?
This is my life, my whole life.
Huh.
You’re upstairs.
Er, first floor.
I’ve got a question.
The answer is yes.
Madly in love with each other, but no, neither of them has a clue.
[both laugh]
I’ll get it.
Yeah.
I’ll get it.
Right. Brad.
Dare I say, we’re gonna attempt to put you in.
God help us.
Fine.
Just remember, I don’t do my own stunts.
You don’t do your own stunts.
Got it.
Right. To save time, we’re gonna divvy up some your lines to other people.
I’m a light tenor.
How about you?
A little heavier, but I can sing.
Jill, is this a good time to tell you that I can actually sing and I’m a pretty good dancer?
Of course you are.
[‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ plays] Callum.
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time of the year ♪
♪ With the kids jingle belling
and everyone telling you ♪
♪ Be of good cheer ♪
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time of the year ♪
♪ It’s the hap-happiest
season of all ♪
♪ With those holiday greetings
and gay happy meetings ♪
♪ When friends come to call ♪
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time of the year ♪
♪ There’ll be parties
for hosting ♪
♪ Marshmallows for toasting ♪
♪ And carolling out
in the snow ♪
♪ There’ll be
scary ghost stories ♪
♪And tales of the glories of ♪
♪ Christmases long, long ago ♪
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time of the year ♪
♪ There’ll be much mistletoeing
and hearts will be glowing ♪
♪ When loved ones are near ♪
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time ♪
♪ Yes, the most
wonderful time ♪
♪ Oh, the most wonderful time ♪
♪ Of the year ♪
Bravo!
[applause]
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time ♪
♪ It’s the most
wonderful time ♪
♪ It’s the most wonderful time
of the year ♪
[cheers and applause]
Ah, this is gonna be our best panto ever.
Yeah, that was supposed to be my song.
Oh, Russell, darling, don’t worry.
You can take a lead on another one.
Yeah. Only if I get to pick.
I’d like to do Engelbert Humperdink’s Only With a Man Without Love. Hmm.
That’ll really get them going.
It used to, darling.
Izzy. What’s going on?
Oh, no.
It’s all right, Brad.
We don’t have to do this.
Do what?
Well, I know you like to date your costars, but seriously, you’re old enough to be my granddad.
Wow.
Wow.
Truth is, I was just gonna ask you what’s going on between you and Callum.
Oh, oh, sorry.
That, erm, well, nothing, I guess.
Every year we do the panto and every year we just sort of grow apart.
Too much brawn, not enough brains.
I hate those guys.
Well, at least I now know what I need to ask Santa for.
What, brains?
No. Something to stuff your stocking with.
[chuckles] It’s double entendre.
You’re getting it.
No, you’re getting it from Callum. [chuckles] Too much?
Bren, darling.
What’s the matter?
It’s my digs.
I’ve been broken into.
No, not another one.
Digs is what they call the accommodation actors stay in.
Gosh. Thanks, Gillian.
Hey, don’t call me Gillian.
Stoneford just isn’t what it was.
I mean, we were a community once.
Now look, blighted by petty crime.
Yeah, we all know who’s behind that.
How else can he drive that car?
Hey, Kieran!
Leave him, Brenda, please.
I don’t know why you are sticking up for him.
Jill.
Jill, that ex-husband of yours is a bad ‘un if ever there was one.
Right then, who’s getting this round?
Are you serious?
You work here too?
Yeah.
Cough up, rich boy.
Oh, 200 grand for orchids.
It was a hundred grand a year and they were from Namibia.
Oh.
Oh.
Another round for everybody on me.
[cheers and applause]
Well, I’ll see you tomorrow I guess.
Yeah. Not too many late night bars around here, are there?
Around here?
Nah. I do have a bottle of wine in the fridge though.
Oh. Erm…
Mind you, hey, carbs in it.
Right. Gotta look after the temple.
Yeah.
Here he is.
Oi, oi!
Stoneford’s action hero.
Look at him. Look.
Come on then, show us some of your moves, huh?
The only need is me.
I don’t want any trouble.
Come on.
Course you don’t. You know why?
‘Cause you’re a little scaredy cat, ain’t you?
You couldn’t even block that…
[all laugh]
No wonder you ended up in this dump.
You’re a hopeless loser.
Go home, Kieran. Now.
I’m having a laugh, Jill.
Let’s go, boys.
[sighs]
Jill.
I’ll see you tomorrow, Brad.
Never do nothing right.
All you have to do is stand up for yourself.
Huh?
Hey!
Stay where you are! Stop!
Leg it!
Somebody stop them!
What’s going on?
He’s behind you.
Don’t come any closer.
Ah, me sole!
Stay down.
[man] Mate, you saved us!
I got it all on video too.
Well done, sir. Nice one.
Thank you.
Arms behind your back. Police.
We’ve got his accomplice as well.
Looks like the Stoneford crime spree’s over.
Hang on a minute, aren’t you…?
I am.
[man] I think I broke it.
247 to base. You’ll never guess who I’ve just seen.
[woman]
247. Surprise me.
Hollywood movie star Brad Mac put his trademark action moves into action last night.
Not on some Hollywood studio lot, but here in the sleepy town of Stoneford in England.
Mr Mac may not have been kung fu fighting, but his unusual routine is said to have been inspired by this, Stoneford’s Theatre Royal, where in just a few days’ time, Brad Mac takes to the stage as Buttons in Cinderella. Here he is! Here he is!
Oh, Mr Mac, can I ask exactly what happened?
Well, I think I did what any concerned citizen would do.
Er, I saw two men trying to rob a home and I chased them.
And apprehended them?
No, the police did that.
But I like to think that I did my part.
Two men are now in custody.
It turns out they were part of a criminal gang that have been targeting towns in the local area.
Police are confident that further arrests will follow and that the gang’s crime spree has been put to a stop.
All thanks to you, Brad Mac.
How’s the panto going?
Oh, great.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you. Erm, yeah, strength to strength like my career.
And if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go spend the rest of the day with my daughter.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[journalist]
Mr Mac?
Quick, Brenda, why don’t you tell them about your one night encounter with Ozzy Osborne in 1985?
Oh, with pleasure.
[doorbell chimes]
Spencer.
Grace!
Spider-Man’s here.
Wasn’t in Spider-Man. No? I wouldn’t know.
I don’t watch mainstream movies. I prefer Cinéma Français. Films with subtitles.
I like French films.
[speaks French]
Move, Spencer.
Dad, you finally made it!
Oh, sweetheart, I am so happy to see you.
We’re gonna have a fabulous day, okay?
When do you need her back?
Oh, after lunch is fine.
Well, that’s not gonna give us a lot of time.
After lunch on Monday.
Three whole days!
Yeah!
Can Daddy talk with Mummy privately please?
Come on, let’s.
We’ll be right back.
Okay.
I can’t do three days.
I’m rehearsing.
I’m sure you can get one of your little minions to sort it out.
Okay, Grace.
Minions are cartoons.
Everyone knows that.
No, no, no.
Tough, tough, tough.
We are going to Paris because, newsflash, we are exhausted.
Yeah. I only get a bonus four times a year.
Okay. Newsflash, Spencer, your bonus is $25,000 a month I pay her in alimony.
Grace, you cannot spring this on me.
[Grace] You haven’t seen her twice in the last two years.
This is finally your chance.
I’m working.
You’re always working.
You’re a big boy.
Figure it out.
Well, kiddo, looks like it’s you and me for three whole days.
Where are we going?
To the North, me little mucker.
Dad!
I know.
Come on.
So this is it.
Stoneford Theatre Royal.
You’re in a pantomime?
Yeah. Sorry.
What do you mean, sorry?
I love panto.
You do?
But why are you so young?
Is it set in the past?
How dare you!
Ah!
[laughs] I wanna introduce you to a man named Albert. Come on.
Oh, hello, Emma.
My name’s Albert.
Yeah, well, come on in, love.
Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Wow.
Talk about a hint of colour.
I like it.
Yeah, we should probably close it up.
[indistinct chatter]
Don’t worry, sweetheart.
Happens wherever I go.
Dad?
It’s December.
You’re right.
Thank you.
It’s that awful man from those dreadful films.
Brad. Hi.
Gillian.
Jill!
Big fan of your work.
Oh, thank you very much.
This is my daughter Emma.
This is my daughter Cara and her friend Bella.
Hiya.
Hi.
Do you wanna go and grab hot chocolates?
Yeah, sure. Dad?
Yeah, of course.
I’ll catch up.
Great. Let’s go.
Jill. Can I have a word?
So Emma’s here all weekend, right?
But we’re rehearsing.
And I’m really scared that she’s just gonna be so bored.
Don’t worry.
Cara can look out for her.
Really?
Yeah.
She can hang out with all the kids backstage and then we’ll get her on the stage for that big ballroom scene.
Oh, my God.
That sounds fantastic.
You are a lifesaver.
Whoa.
Actually, Brad, I have a favour to ask you.
Yeah?
Yeah.
On Monday, the school’s holding an event.
The choir will be singing carols.
There’s a tombola.
Is that like Ebola?
Not quite.
One’s an African disease.
Erm, then there’ll be a prizegiving, like fun things, like Best Christmas jumper.
What?
Oh, no, jumper means sweater.
Oh, thank God.
Little dark for Christmas, right? Aha. Splat.
So we were hoping someone real famous might wanna hand out the prizes.
Yeah, I’ll do it.
What’s the fee?
Er, cup of tea and a bourbon.
Huh. You’re cute.
I don’t drink when I work.
Hot nuts.
Come and get your hot nuts!
Nigel. Don’t you sleep?
Of course not, mate.
On the house.
Thank you.
Hot nuts.
Warm your hands on me hot nuts.
One and two and three and four and five.
Ah.
[Jill] Okay. Stop. Stop.
I want Prince Charming, but it’s a bit Prince Alarming.
Sorry, Izzy. Got two left feet.
Toned feet, but…
No, it’s me. Really.
Callum, do you mind?
Jill, may I?
From the top.
Right. Okay. Watch and learn.
[‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ plays] Oh.
[cheers and applause]
Bravo, Jill!
Brenda, please.
I wasn’t even warmed up.
All right, my darlings.
Back to the top.
[‘Santa Can’t You Hear Me’ plays]
♪ Keep the snow
and sleigh rides ♪
Come on, let’s go!
♪ Keep the gifts beneath
the tree ♪
Oh, this is the best!
Come on, hurry up!
Jill.
Thank you.
Yeah, come on! Let’s go!
♪ ‘Cause all I ever wanted ♪
♪ Was nothing I got and ♪
♪ Santa, can’t you hear me? ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
♪ I don’t need a thing ♪
♪ I sent a letter to you ♪
♪ On how to make my dreams come
true, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ What I want for Christmas ♪
♪ Hasn’t come
and I’ve been so blue ♪
♪ Tell me, what can I do?
Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Keep the mistletoe ♪
♪ Keep the mistletoe ♪
♪ Unless below is what I need ♪
♪ What I need ♪
♪ Santa, can’t you hear me? ♪
♪ Santa, can’t you hear me? ♪
Yes!
[cheers and applause]
You was amazing today.
You were too.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
Great.
Good morning, Albert.
Yeah. Morning, Brad.
How’s young Emma doing?
She’s good, thank you.
I think she’s really enjoying herself.
Ah.
She’ll be down in a minute.
May I?
Yeah, of course.
Yes, of course.
Wow.
Albert, can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
When did she pass? Your wife?
Emma and I saw the dresses upstairs.
My husband passed nine years ago.
New Year’s Eve, in fact.
On stage.
Malcolm and I were pantomime dames.
Rivals at first.
But, er, 1979 we got asked to work together.
Cinderella, Oldham Coliseum.
He was a cocky little thing.
I suppose that’s why I liked him.
Cheeky, like you.
We toured every year.
Made all our own frocks.
Birmingham, Newcastle.
Hull.
Nottingham.
Until 1992.
What made you stay in Stoneford?
Oh, we were so damn popular, they put us in every year.
Most pantomimes have one dame, you see?
But here, there were always two.
And people in the town, oh, God, they loved us.
We couldn’t go anywhere.
Year round, autographs.
Then selfies.
The Stoneford Christmas lights.
Until that Christmas.
Last show of the year.
Poor Malcolm.
As the final curtain fell, he was out like a light himself.
I never went on stage again.
Albert, I’m so sorry.
Why do you work the stage door?
You don’t need the money.
Theatre’s not about money, lad.
Theatre’s about love, passion, people.
I devoted my whole life to it and I haven’t regretted it for one single moment.
Come on, Dad.
Let’s get you to rehearsals.
Good morning, Albert.
Good morning, my dear.
Thank you, Albert.
Thank you.
Take care.
You are a complete waste of space, Buttons.
I have no idea why we pay you.
But you don’t pay me, Baron Hardup.
That’s because I am hard up.
[both] Oh, matron.
Yeah. Why do you need money anyway, Buttons?
Yeah, that’s right.
We all thought: The only need is me!
What?
Why else would you be killing time in panto land?
Yeah, we’re not in Hollywood now, are we, Buttons?
Yeah, that’s right.
Has anyone seen your career?
[both] It’s behind you.
Why are you saying that? Stop it.
I know, darling.
It’s just topical jokes.
It’s the same with the star turn in every panto.
Just a little light ribbing, dear.
Well, I’m proud of those films, okay, so you can take that out now.
What are you gonna do? Quit?
I don’t think so, ducky.
[laughs]
Oh, that’s right.
Swan off to your agent.
What agent?
[both laugh] Oh, he’s gone.
Oh, Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
Sign out, Mr Mac.
Wait!
Miss Mac.
Miss Mac!
Dad.
Emma, please just go back inside. Okay?
No. I’m starting to think that Mum was right about you.
All you care about is yourself.
What?
She says you keep trying to run away.
I didn’t really understand until now.
That’s not true, okay?
It’s not fair.
Come back in, okay, for me, please.
Hey.
Ah.
I really want to thank you for making me come back inside.
You know, I wanna do this play because of you and I think I really had fun.
You were really good, Dad.
Thank you.
Salted caramel surprise?
What’s the surprise?
Erm, soft in the centre.
Ha, ha, ha.
Maybe they could go a little easier on me with the jokes about my career.
They were really funny.
I might be being oversensitive about this, but I just don’t think that I’m ready to start joking about the career I’m about to lose.
What are you talking about, Brad?
The jokes only work because you are a star.
It’s a thing we do in England.
It’s called taking the piss.
Now come on, it’s time for the school prizegiving.
Not quite the Oscars, but we should get going.
You ready?
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la, la la la ♪
Mr Mac, this is an honour.
Martin. The head.
Pleasure.
Mulled wine.
Actually…
It’s a British tradition, Mr Mac.
Well, German. But still.
Hey, Cara.
Why don’t you show Emma around.
Thank you.
Gonna earn my keep.
Good luck.
Hello, Stoneford!
Today I’d like to welcome Hollywood actor Brad Mac, who is here to present our Christmas awards.
[cheers and applause]
Now, it’s so important that children be inspired by the theatre.
That’s why our students take their annual trip to London to see the best theatre this country has to offer.
Macbeth at Shakespeare’s Globe.
Emma.
Still, if you’re looking for something a little more fun this Christmas, be sure to catch Mr Mac in Stoneford’s Christmas pantomime.
[cheers and applause]
Now, shall we get the prizegiving underway?
Let’s get things started with this year’s highly coveted prize for most improved attendance.
And the winner is…
Where’s my daughter?
Grace?
Emma’s around here somewhere.
Jill.
Who? Who’s Jill?
Because you know, she was meant to be home at 12 o’clock and your phone is off and it’s half past three.
I was rehearsing.
Because the hotel said you left and I can’t get a hold of your agent because actually it turns out you don’t have an agent anymore.
Mum.
Oh, darling.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, okay.
Sweetheart, we’re gonna go to London now.
Grace, please don’t do this.
We’re having such a good time, right, Em?
I’m going to be in the pantomime.
No, no, no, no.
That’s not something to be proud of, Em.
What is it that we say about pantomimes, Spencer? What the…
Lowest common denominator entertainment.
Well, that’s not true.
They’re hugely popular.
That’s good you’re popular somewhere, eh, Brad?
Come on, let’s go.
I don’t want to.
I’m sorry?
I want to stay with Dad.
Your father abandoned you, Emma.
So he could stay in Hollywood and make sequel after sequel, and buy orchid after orchid.
He promised.
But your father makes a lot of promises, Emma, promises he always breaks.
So, no, you will not be in the pantomime.
He probably won’t even make it to opening night, will you?
So, come on, let’s go.
Grace, please just stop.
This is not fair.
We both agreed that Emma would stay with you because you told me that’s what was best for her, and now I’m just starting to think that that’s what’s best for you.
I get it. I’ve been a bad dad.
Okay?
Thoughtless, selfish. Emma.
I promise that stops now.
I will never run away from you again.
Most improved attendance.
It’s ironic.
Mr Mac.
Rachel McDonald.
[man] She’s not here.
Not again.
How are you?
Read that.
‘From Hero to Zero.
Washed-up Blist movie star ends career with not a bang, but a whimper.’ Where did this come from?
My ex-agent didn’t like the good press that I was getting, so she gave them an alternative narrative.
I was hoping that coming here would change my life and boy has it, it’s made it worse.
Come on, cheer up.
Things will get better.
No, not for me. Not here.
I’m done.
I’m going home.
I don’t care what it costs.
And what about us?
This is our life here, Brad.
This is who we are.
If you run away and leave us in the lurch, we are the ones who end up paying the price.
I’m being humiliated, Jill.
But look at Albert on stage door putting you up for nowt.
Cassandra, holding your hand through every step of the process.
And then me.
Muggins. Along for the ride.
Okay. Forget it.
Because it’s all about you, Brad.
‘Cause that’s how it’s always been.
Your wife’s right.
Ex-wife.
Yeah. I’m not surprised.
Bar person, one more for the road.
Oh, where’s Nigel?
It’s his day off.
Oh.
Only joking. [laughs] As if I’d get a day off.
Anyway, mate, you want to take it easy.
Yeah, you’ve gotta turn on the Christmas lights.
What do you think I’m dressed for?
Hello.
Ich bin… German.
Jesus.
Brenda, you’re a connoisseur.
of fine liquid entertainment.
The biggest turnout we’ve had for a Christmas light switch on ever.
I think you might have had enough.
Welcome to the stage the mayor of Stoneford!
It worked for Burton.
So let’s give the cast of Cinderella a huge Stoneford wel–
Thank you, Mr Mayor.
Hello, Stoneford.
Oi, Buttons!
Gonna have another meltdown?
Shut up, you loser.
Ooh.
I’m Bradley Mac
Ow!
[all laugh]
So that’s how it is now.
I’m just a joke to you all.
Spiderman’s here.
Okay.
[Kieran shouting]
[all laugh] How’s this for laughs?
Whoa!
I can be funny.
Son of a bitch!
I can be the clown.
You’re fired.
It seems like the only thing I can’t be is a good actor.
Something like that?
We’re screwed.
Good father.
You are literally first in line for worst parent of the year award.
Even a good person.
But he promised.
But your father makes a lot of promises, Emma.
Promises he always breaks.
Anyone seen your career?
[both] It’s behind you.
What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?!
You want a villain?
I’ll be your villain.
Yeah.
Here’s this.
Merry Christmas.
[screams]
[all gasp]
[laughs]
[groans]
[Nigel]
Mr Mac. You are under arrest.
And before you ask, yep, community police officer.
Help me up.
Yeah.
[groans]
[policeman] Mr Mac.
I’m up. I’m up.
I need to talk to my lawyer.
They’ve been contacted.
They want you to know they’re on the way.
When are they getting here?
No idea.
Er, listen, do you mind if I have a selfie?
Sure.
Cheers.
Oh. Smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
Cheers.
Are you all right?
No.
Yesterday I had everything.
Friends, a job.
My daughter loved me.
And I screwed it all up.
What’s gonna happen now?
Well, you’re up in front of the magistrates Wednesday morning, and normally you’d remain in police custody until then.
However, on this occasion, a respectable member of the community has come forward and vouched for you, so we’re happy to release you into their care until the hearing.
A respectable member of the community?
Yeah.
Hey, sorry about what I said at the pub.
Well, you’re probably right.
Whatever it is you said.
Officer.
Downstairs.
I’ll make us a brew.
Oh…
I was so stupid.
When Grace took her away, the way she looked at me.
I’ll never get it outta my head.
She was so disappointed.
She’ll understand.
In time.
That’s the thing. With Emma, I’m running out of time.
If I’m convicted and I get a record, they won’t let me back in the country.
It’ll be years before I can see her again.
I’m spiralling downward and I don’t know why.
‘Cause this pantomime, with Albert and Emma, even the ugly sisters, this is the best time I’ve ever had and it’s ’cause of you.
[knock on door]
Thanks.
Cara. Cara!
She’s out.
You’re not supposed to have a key, Kieran.
[Kieran] I just wanna see my daughter, Jill.
[Jill] Well, she’s not here, so you gotta leave.
Got him here with you?
It’s not what you think.
Since when you care about what I think?
I wanna take Carla down to London with me.
No, the pantomime is opening tomorrow night.
You promised.
Yeah.
That was when your head was straight and not full of all this Hollywood rubbish.
She’s my daughter as well, Jill.
She’s my daughter as well.
Only days ago I was standing outside Stoneford Theatre Royal.
But there’s a rather different stage set for today.
Stoneford Courthouse, where the fate of Brad Mac and the local pantomime will be decided.
Sweetheart, you sure you’re not gonna join us?
I don’t think I can face it and I have to fetch Cara from ballet.
So I’ll just meet you here later.
What if Brad goes down?
Then you’ll have to get Pierce Brosnan on the phone.
Alright, darling, see you later.
Brad’s fearsome legal team flew in overnight on an actual private jet from Hollywood.
That’s right, carbon destroyers, but hopefully not career destroyers.
Back to you in the studio.
[indistinct chatter]
We got this, Brad. Fear not.
You know I’m the best defence lawyer in California.
I’m also the cheapest.
Really?
Oh, no, no.
I’m just making a joke to lighten things up.
All rise.
Will the defendant please stand.
Mr Theobald Washington, you have been charged…
Objection.
Who the hell is Theobald Washington?
That’s my real name.
Theobald.
For real?
You chose Brad Mac?
I chose Bradley Apollo McDonald.
Oh.
Carry on, Basil.
…with the destruction of city property and being drunk and disorderly in public.
How do you plead?
Not guilty.
[cheers and applause]
Well done, Brad!
[cheers and applause]
Silence!
Thank you.
Your Honour, my name is Sukie Huntington III from the Los Angeles Law firm of Brown, Johnson, Klein, Robinson, Ashwell, Lopez, and… erm, oh, yeah, me, Huntington.
Proceed.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury–
Er, this is a magistrate court, Miss Huntington.
There’s no jury.
It’s Ms. I’m divorced.
Just like this court.
Divorced from reality.
For my client has numerous mitigating circumstances.
[phone buzzes] Not only is he a celebrity, he is also a member of a minority.
Which minority are you referring to?
He’s American, Your Honour.
Mr Magistrate, can I please say a few words?
If you must.
Two weeks ago, I didn’t even know Stoneford existed.
And then someone will throw a plate of shaving foam directly into your face.
And then…
[dialling tone]
Mr Brosnan? Mr Brosnan?
[Brad] I certainly didn’t know what a pantomime was.
Er, so to find myself on stage playing Buttons in Cinderella came as quite a shock.
That’s not an excuse for losing control.
More my attempt at an explanation.
You have to let him off, Your Honour.
The Panto needs Brad Mac.
Stoneford needs Brad Mac.
Don’t be too hard on him, Your Honour.
Yeah, that’s our job.
Don’t bang up Buttons!
[all] Don’t bang up Buttons!
Don’t bang up Buttons!
Don’t bang up Buttons!
Silence!
I’ve had quite enough of this nonsense.
[both] Oh, no, you haven’t.
Oh, yes I… have. Enough!
[both laugh]
You’re turning this courtroom into a pantomime, and this case into a joke.
Pantomime is not a joke, Your Honour.
Excuse me?
The pantomime.
It’s not a joke.
The Christmas pantomime brings entire communities together, young and old.
For the young people, it’s probably the first time they’ll ever see a theatre.
And for the older people in the community, like myself, it gives us a chance to reconnect with the young ones through a shared smile or a laugh.
Besides, the Christmas pantomime makes enough money to keep Stoneford’s theatre going all year round.
Without the pantomime, the theatre would probably close and be gone forever.
Thank you, Mr Mac.
Can I please just say one more thing?
I know you think the panto is silly, and in places it is, by design.
But I beg you to come see Cinderella, not just to see what’s happening on stage, but to look around at the faces of the audience.
You’ll see something that’s so special, so rare.
You’ll see pure joy.
And at the end of the day, Your Honour, isn’t that what Christmas is supposed to be about?
Nice words, Mr Mac, but shall we get back to the matter in hand?
[Brad] Yes, sir.
And I have no intention of banging up Buttons.
I never have.
The crimes he’s charged with aren’t even jailable.
Really?
Public intoxication, 200 pounds.
Justice at last!
[cheers and applause]
For heaven’s sake, clear off.
My daughter, he’s got my daughter!
[all] Oh, no, he hasn’t!
What is wrong with you?
It’s Kieran.
He’s got Cara.
Jill, I’m here for you.
Whatever you need.
This way.
No, this way.
No, Brad.
It’s literally this way.
I’m tracking his phone.
Nigel, we need your help to save Cara.
You got it, boss.
Everybody in.
Come on. Hurry up.
Can you go a bit faster?
He’s heading for the motorway.
Emma, darling, time for your pottery class.
Emma?
Emma. Emma!
She’s gone.
She’s gone.
Spencer, get the car!
We’re going to Stoneford!
Brad, I just want to say I’m very grateful that you’re doing this.
Of course, we’re friends.
Cara could be dead.
Dead?
Dead?
What?
I thought it was only a custody battle.
Somebody say custard? [laughs] ‘Cause custody. No? No.
[Danny]
We’ve left Cassandra behind.
A part in next year’s pantomime.
Are you serious?
Absolutely, darling.
I mean, that would be wonderful.
I’ve always thought there might be a pantomime in me.
And I’ve always thought the same about a judge.
[elevator bell dings] Mmhmm.
That’s his car.
Everybody stay here.
Cara.
Cara.
Cara.
[all] Cara! Cara! Cara!
What’s all the shouting about?
Where’s her daughter?
What do you mean?
Tell me where her daughter is, now.
What are you talking about?
Stop screwing around, Kieran, or so help me God.
Or what? You gonna go and get your stuntman?
Yah!
What are you doing?
Get him, Brad!
What are you doing?
That’s humiliating.
Ooh!
[groans]
[all] Ooh!
Why are we doing this?
Because you kidnapped Cara.
What are you talking about?
I just dropped her at the train station.
What? Train…
Where is she going?
Nowhere. She said she had to meet a friend.
Yeah, I don’t believe you.
I heard you tell Jill you were taking her to London.
I was.
It’s my turn to have her this year.
Promised her she could do the pantomime.
I didn’t wanna disappoint her. So…
I’m a crap dad to Cara and I was a crap husband to Jill.
You’re not a crap dad, okay.
You’re there for her.
That’s a lot better than I can say for myself over the last five years.
One thing I learnt here in Stoneford, life isn’t gonna go the way you want it.
It is what it is and you cannot run away from it.
You just have to embrace it for all its unpredictability with everything you’ve got.
Well, you know, Cara was doing the panto and…
I would love to see her on stage, if it’s okay.
Of course.
Oh, crap, we gotta go.
Oh…
Cara went to see a friend, she’ll meet us at the theatre.
Let’s go!
♪ Driving home for Christmas ♪
♪ Oh, I can’t wait to see
those faces ♪
♪ I’m driving home
for Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ I’m moving down the line ♪
[laughter]
♪ It’s been so long ♪
♪ But I will be there ♪
♪ I sing this song ♪
♪ To pass the time away ♪
♪ Driving in my car ♪
♪ Driving home for Christmas ♪
♪ Gonna take some time
but I’ll get there ♪
[cheers and applause]
You’re a big movie star, Mr Mac.
Isn’t the role of Buttons a small part for someone of your stature?
Well, I’ll quote the great Stanislavski.
There are no small parts, just small actors.
And how are you enjoying your time in Stoneford?
Dad!
Emma! Excuse me. Sweetheart!
What are you doing here?
Mum!
I snuck out of the house and took the train.
Cara met me at the station.
Oh, sweetheart, I’m so happy to see you, but you’re 12 years old.
You cannot take a train across the country by yourself, okay?
Next time, just call me.
Come here.
I see you’re getting the hang of proper parenting.
Better late than never.
Oh, on that subject, it’s time to get into costume.
Ready?
Show time.
[indistinct chatter]
It’s my first theatre.
[Brenda] Once upon a time in a magical land…
Oh, that must be Buttons.
My oldest and dearest friend.
I can always rely on Buttons.
I said, I can always rely on Buttons!
[woman] Has anyone seen…
You’ll do fine.
Needed the lipstick.
One, two, three.
[all] Buttons!
[cheers and applause]
Don’t worry, mate.
She’s been killing time.
[laughter]
Cinderella.
Hmm?
I have a secret.
[gasps] A secret.
What is it?
Well, a secret’s something you tell someone that you don’t want anyone else to know.
I’d stick to movies, mate.
Do yourself a favour and shut your mouth.
I almost forgot my big runup.
[all] Ooh.
[all laugh]
I do my own stunts now.
Just like the other big stars.
Whoo!
They’re booing you, Fanny.
They’re booing you.
You shan’t go to the ball, Cinderella.
[both] You shan’t, you shan’t, you shan’t.
Yeah, rip it, rip it.
[both laugh] All you have to do is believe and magic will happen.
You shall go to the ball, Cinderella.
[cheers and applause]
Tell you what, mate, there’ll be somebody good looking in here you can have a little chat with.
Let’s see if we can find a good-looking fella.
Let’s have a little look for a good looking fella, we can find a good-looking fella.
See if we can find a…
Has to be a good-looking fella.
A good-looking fella.
Has to be a good-looking fella.
Oh, you sir. You, sir.
Can you see any good-looking fellas in here?
[all laugh]
[both speaking over each other]
[all laugh]
Pop it on. The doctor says I’ve got the feet of an athlete.
No, he said you’ve got athlete’s foot, it’s different.
[all laugh]
Toes are curled.
Look at those chubby feet.
Hey, you can’t say chubby.
That’s your fattist.
I think you’re the fattest.
[laughs]
Sorry about this, Your Highness.
Yes!
Oh!
[cheers and applause]
So we didn’t get our prince.
Never mind.
Who’s ready for the big finale?
[cheers and applause]
Thanks, everybody.
We’ll see you later. Bye!
♪ I used to bite my tongue
and hold my breath ♪
♪ Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess ♪
♪ So I sat quietly ♪
♪ Agreed politely ♪
♪ Guess that I forgot I had
the choice ♪
♪ I let you push me
past my breaking point ♪
♪ I stood for nothing ♪
♪ So I fell for everything ♪
♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪
♪ Already brushing off
the dust ♪
♪ You hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound ♪
♪ Like thunder gonna shake
the ground ♪
♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪
♪ Get ready ’cause
I’ve had enough ♪
♪ I see it all, I see it now ♪
♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪
♪ A fighter, dancing through
the fire ♪
♪ ‘Cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you’re going
to hear me roar ♪
♪ Louder, louder than a lion ♪
♪ Cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you’re going
to hear me roar ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ You’re gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ You’re gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ Roar, roar, roar ♪
♪ Roar, roar ♪
♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪
♪ A fighter, dancing
through the fire ♪
♪ ‘Cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you’re going
to hear me roar ♪
♪ Louder, louder than a lion ♪
♪ ‘Cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you’re going
to hear me roar ♪
♪ You’re going to
hear me roar ♪
♪ You’re going to
hear me roar ♪
[cheers and applause]
So…
Look, I’m no good at talking about feelings and stuff like that.
Shut up.
Wow.
My God.
My hands are still shaking.
Darlings, you were marvellous!
Thank you, Albert.
That means the world to me.
Coming from a true panto legend.
You both were.
Well, that’s it.
From here on in, I’m only doing pantomime.
I loved it.
Well that’s good ’cause you still got 49 more shows to go.
What? Are you insane?
Forty-nine more shows?
I can’t do that.
Just kidding.
I can’t wait.
[chuckles]
Brad, wonderful work today.
It’s a killing field 7.
[laughs]
Oh, the brake went down.
Sorry. No, I can’t…
Buttons.
There you are.
[babbles incoherently]
If all else fails, just dramatically faint.
Really?
You’ve missed a bit.
Oh, God.
She’s not even good at cleaning.
Oh, she’s rubbish.
Oh, ugly as well.
Ugh.
Ugh.
And you’ve sweeped, it’s in my direction!
I’ve got allergies!
Look at the state of her.
Oh, I’m triggered.
She triggered me.
Again, not exactly sure what’s happening.
Show me what?
That was much better, wasn’t it?
[laughs]
Ooh. Mmm. Mmm.
What’s happened to Brenda?
[laughter] We’ve left Cara behind.
[all laugh] Cassandra, Cassandra.
Katy Perry just called.
She said, I wanna see it again.
I’m gonna fly to Stoneford.
Mmm.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, behave!
[laughs] Whoo!
I wanna have your babies, Brad.
That was marvellous.
[groans]
Why are we doing this?
Because they’re paying us.
I’m so sorry.
[laughter] Sorry.
Finally, a blooper you can’t use.
