The Threesome (2025) | Transcript

The Threesome (2025)
Director: Chad Hartigan
Writer: Ethan Ogilby
Stars: Zoey Deutch, Jonah Hauer-King, Ruby Cruz

Plot: Thirty-year old sound engineer Connor is infatuated with prickly, sardonic Olivia, who is afraid of feelings and commitment. Their mutual friend, Greg, encourages Connor to approach a young woman who had been stood up for a date, who turns out to be Jenny, a graduate student still living with her parents. After Olivia jealously inserts herself into their flirtation, the three go drinking and dancing together, culminating in a threesome. In the morning, Olivia panics over her emotional interest in Connor and leaves early. Despite his feelings for Olivia, Connor has sex with Jenny. He then tracks down Olivia and convinces her to give him a chance at a relationship. Their first date goes well and they become inseparable, sharing a blissful 6 weeks in a whirlwind as a couple. Olivia soon discovers she is pregnant. Despite her initial uncertainty, Connor’s elation at the news leads the couple to assert their mutual love and begin happily planning their future together.

Jenny appears on their porch and reveals that she is also pregnant by Connor. Olivia is devastated to learn that the baby is the result of Connor’s solo tryst with Jenny a mere half-hour before he begged Olivia for a chance. Deciding that she cannot have a future with Connor as long as Jenny is involved, Olivia ends their relationship and resolves to get an abortion. Despite mourning the loss of the idealized future he envisioned with Olivia, Connor insists on supporting Olivia and driving her to the out-of-state appointment. His kind and compassionate behavior throughout the trip reignites Olivia’s feelings for him, and she backs out of the procedure. On the drive back, Connor sees a text message from a former partner of Olivia’s whom she’d had a one-night stand with in the wake of her and Connor’s breakup. Hurt that Olivia slept with someone else instead of trying to work things out with him, Connor breaks up with her.

Connor begins supporting Jenny more, causing conflict when he obliviously does insensitive things like take Jenny to Olivia’s doctor instead of finding a new one. When Connor learns that Jenny has been lying to her parents that she and Connor are together, he goes along with the charade. Though tempted by the promise of a simple, uncomplicated life with a devoted, conventional wife like Jenny, Connor cannot get past his infatuation with Olivia. During a fight, Olivia points out that the situation gives Connor bragging rights for getting two women pregnant, while making her look stupid and gullible for having his kid. Despite her previous standards, Olivia confesses that she still loves Connor and has been fantasizing about getting back together. Connor is thrilled at the prospect.

Olivia’s married fling shows up. Shocked at her pregnancy, he confesses that he never had a vasectomy, as he previously claimed, and could potentially be the father. Olivia secretly gets a paternity test, but goes into labor before receiving the results. Jenny and Olivia end up giving birth on the same day. Tension escalates when Jenny’s parents discover the truth about her situation, and Olivia discovers that Connor is not her child’s father. Upon learning this, he leaves to attend the birth of his real child. Jenny gives birth to a daughter. Several months later, Connor and Jenny have been successfully co-parenting, and Jenny is moving into her own house. Olivia shows up on moving day with her own daughter, whom she has named after Connor’s great-grandmother, and confesses her love for him. Connor agrees to give their relationship another try.

In a post credits scene, Connor’s best man Greg decides to tell the story of Connor, Olivia, and Jenny during his toast at Connor and Olivia’s wedding.

* * *

The Threesome (2025) | Transcript

[“Paprika”]

♪ Lucidity came slowly ♪

♪ I awoke from dreams of

untying a great knot ♪

♪ It unraveled like a braid ♪

♪ Into what seemed were ♪

♪ Thousands of

separate strands ♪

♪ Of fishing line, attached

to coarse behavior ♪

♪ It flowed ♪

♪ A calm it urged,

what else is here ♪

♪ How’s it feel to be

at the center of magic ♪

♪ To linger in

tones and words ♪

♪ I opened the floodgates ♪

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the new Mr. and Mr. Greg Demopolis and Matthew Kang.

[guests cheer and applaud]

♪ Projecting your visions

to strangers who feel it ♪

♪ Who listen, who

linger on every word ♪

♪ Oh, it’s a rush ♪

[guests applauding]

I’m genuinely excited to hear why you’re the sole person already eating dinner.

I have to go back to work.

I drew the short straw.

Can’t leave before the best part.

That’s why I’m eating it now.

I’m about to give my toast.

Hmm.

Good for you.

I get it.

You have your makeup on.

You don’t want to cry before work.

I hope you wrote jokes as funny as the idea of me crying at your toast.

Only one way to find out.

But then came Matthew’s new assignment, 18 months in Omaha.

[Guest] Woo!

[light laughter]

Where he apparently made exactly one friend.

I got home to find Greg on the floor of our living room trying not to freak out, listening to a Dalai Lama YouTube, which wasn’t really helping because the Lama’s never even had a boyfriend, much less cross state lines to live with him.

[guests laughing]

Now, Greg was terrified that Matthew would learn exactly who he really was, and not just trivial stuff like how he makes up random facts like Mark Twain inventing the bra strap.

No, he did.

He literally did, and he invented standup, Google it.

So, I said to Greg, stay with me, stay here, and don’t worry about getting your heart broken.

‘Cause if there’s one thing I know about Greg is that he will always do the exact opposite of what I suggest.

So, Greg was in Omaha the next month, and the rest is history, which I think proves what I’ve long believed.

That Dalai Lama sucks.

[guests laughing]

Or instead, a heart that’s afraid to break is a heart that’s never used.

To Greg and Matt.

[All] To Greg and Matt!

[glasses clinking]

[gentle music]

[“Bad Love”]

[upbeat music]

My baby boy has come to visit!

How was the honeymoon?

Dude, I’m a tapped keg.

Remember like the beaches, the food, the rich Cuban culture.

You son of a bitch.

What?

I thought that you were here to see me.

I am here to see you.

Okay, you know what I want from you?

I want you to accept what you have with Olivia, all right?

You guys are friends, friendsish, friends adjacent, ex-coworkers.

These are all really special beautiful categories.

And as much as I fucking try, no one can take away that little drunken hump sesh that you two had.

Look, I don’t care for your tone, Greg.

And it was one drunken, lovemaking session.

Did you come when you had sex with her?

Because I don’t hear any postnut clarity.

Connor, God, I hate to be blunt, but it’s time to throw in the towel, honestly.

Greg is a married man now, you need to move on.

I don’t give up that easy.

Even when I’m literally begging him to.

[laughs sarcastically]

So, your toast was a hit, huh?

It was all right.

No, it was good.

You hook up with anyone?

I mean, that’s how you know if it was good.

I mean, it was a gay wedding.

And straight single girls famously can’t stand gay guys, so.

Yeah, not this gay guy.

They actually find me really offensive.

[Olivia] Yeah, but only half the guests were yours.

All I’m hearing is this is your own special way of saying you’re happy to see me.

[Olivia] Really, is it?

And please keep in mind, the customer is always right.

And please keep in mind, you’re Greg’s customer, not mine.

Thank you.

Yep.

[Olivia] Bye.

Listen, buddy, I know it feels really romantic to pine, but it is a super short walk to creepy.

What’d you do, bring the whole house in your bag?

Hey.

[tense music]

[Olivia sighs]

My hands are dirty.

I’m gonna go wash them real quick.

I’ll be right back.

Can you give us some breadsticks? Thank you.

What are you doing here?

She insisted on coming.

Really?

Tell your chef to stop making such good food.

We make chicken fingers.

You came to fuck with me like a child after I very gently ghosted you like an adult.

If seeing me out with my wife fucks with you, that’s not my problem.

Don’t twist my words.

[Connor] Who is she talking to?

No idea.

But you know what’s a more interesting idea?

Look over there at that table.

You see her?

Do you know her?

No, but you’re about to.

I’m really not in the mood.

Look, she just got stood up.

She’s waiting for a handsome young fella to go over there and talk to her.

And since that’s not happening, maybe I could go over there instead?

I didn’t say that at all.

That’s all you, that’s all internal.

Look, if you’re not gonna do it for her, do it for Olivia.

Show her that another girl sees how much of a catch you are.

When you told me that you were married, I thought you’d be low maintenance.

Instead, you’re this black hole of needyness.

Maybe for once, we skip the mean thing you say to me that you take back later.

You know, the easier way to skip it is don’t show up at my work.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

Have a great night.

[Patron] Thank you.

Get a real job, maybe I wouldn’t have to.

I’m gonna spit in your food.

Spit in my mouth.

Read the room, Kevin.

Okay.

Uh, where’d he go? Did he leave?

No, he’s just getting started.

Probably nothing.

Hmm.

So, nowhere else, not even a study abroad or?

Well, I’ve actually never not lived in my parents’ house.

What? It’s practical.

Rent is expensive and I can commute to college.

It’s easy.

You missed out on having a terrible roommate who eats all your food and leaves her dirty underwear around.

I have that, that’s my dad.

Right.

Well, I did have a buddy that went to UALR.

I actually threw up in the fountain one visit.

That’s bad.

Please don’t, don’t turn me in.

My loyalty’s to my school, I hope you’ll understand.

Of course.

I will not tell you what happened in the quad then.

It was worse.

[plates clattering]

[indistinct conversation and laughing]

Miss, is this man bothering you?

No, no, not at all.

Because he’s wanted in multiple states for indecent exposure.

She’s kidding.

Oh.

I am kidding, he’s my friend.

He used to work here back in the day.

That’s how we met.

And we had sex once, technically.

Why did you add technically?

Okay.

I love your top.

That is so cute.

Thank you. [laughs] I never really feel like I have a reason to wear it, so,

Jenny had a pet rabbit as a child, which committed suicide.

Oh, well, allegedly.

I wasn’t home at the time.

And my dad’s story doesn’t really add up.

I haven’t ruled out negligence, so.

I stand corrected.

Her father may have murdered her rabbit.

But in brighter news, you play the viola.

I do, I do.

Well, I play the recorder and my father murdered my self-confidence.

So, we’re modern women cut from the same cloth.

Connor, you have so much to learn from us.

Mmhmm.

We’re about to close, but, you wanna stay?

[Jenny] Yeah, sure.

[Olivia] What are you drinking?

♪ Oh, I beg you ♪

♪ Can I follow ♪

♪ Be my only ♪

♪ Be the water

where I’m wading ♪

♪ You’re my river

running high ♪

♪ Run deep, run wild ♪

♪ I, I follow ♪

♪ I follow you,

deep sea, baby ♪

♪ I follow you ♪

♪ I, I follow ♪

♪ I follow you,

dark doom, honey ♪

♪ I follow you ♪

[upbeat music slows]

[Jenny] I am so glad you guys talked to me.

I really needed a night like this.

Why?

Your friends don’t dance?

I mean, I don’t really have many friends.

I mean, people I grew up with, but I don’t know.

You grow up and then you turn turn out different and, yeah, do you ever think about like, who you would become if you started hanging around different people?

Hmm.

Yeah, of course.

I’m surrounded by bad influences.

You guys are cute.

You have plenty of time to find your people.

And you’ll know.

Your hair’s in your face.

[Jenny laughs]

You know where the bathroom is?

Yeah, it’s to the left.

Okay, thank you.

So, what do you think?

What do I think about what?

Should we bang?

Yeah.

I can tell she’s into it.

All three of us?

Yes.

Or maybe just you and me could?

Connor, meet the moment.

Don’t be such a puppy dog.

Okay.

[door opens]

Oh, whoa.

Hi.

Hi.

You guys, you guys gonna ask me to watch you do it?

[laughing]

No.

But I understand why… [laughs]

We were just playing a game.

A game?

I like games, what kind of game?

Truth or dare?

Yeah.

Oh.

Have you ever played?

Yeah.

I, well, when I was in like fifth grade, I was dared to eat a raw hot dog.

Oh my God, well then, that sucks.

You were just gonna

I was gonna do that one.

Aww.

Should we play?

I’m down.

[Connor] Yeah.

Okay, who wants to go first?

I’ll go first.

Truth or dare?

Um, truth.

Hmm. Okay.

Have you ever kissed a girl?

I mean, like, girls playing, like when I was little.

Have you ever really, really, really kissed a girl?

Do you want to?

That’s two questions, which is totally fine.

Yes.

[smooching]

[Jenny laughs]

You’re a great kisser.

Thank you.

Okay, handsome.

Your turn.

Truth or dare?

[Connor] Dare.

I dare you to give me the best kiss you’ve ever given.

[smooching]

Hmm.

[Connor] I think it’s your turn to ask.

Can I just kiss you?

[smooching]

[all chuckling]

[smooching]

[Olivia moaning]

[upbeat guitar music rising]

[birds chirping]

[stove ticking]

[phone chiming]

[Jenny clears throat]

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, how’s it going?

It’s all right.

Yeah, I don’t usually drink that…

Well, I don’t usually drink, so.

But the rest was a typical Friday, right?

Yeah, she really knows how to get what she wants, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, she does.

But I should say, like, I also wanted it.

Oh, oh, no, yeah, I didn’t mean it like that.

And I hope you…

Right.

Yeah, no, I did.

I also wanted it too.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, last night was, was really something.

You’re, you’re a… beautiful woman.

What am I, what am I saying?

Do you want anything?

I have instant oatmeal and cereal.

What cereals?

Grape Nuts and Raisin Bran.

Those are the saddest cereals.

I could also offer a shower and/or a cup of tea.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Both, one of each, please.

Great, now we’re getting somewhere.

Look at this. Wow.

What an Airbnb.

Five stars.

Well, yeah, you have a shower and I’ll do the tea.

Okay, okay.

All right.

You know, if you were thinking of showering too and you wanted to save water, tea can wait.

[“Astrology Poisoning”]

[kettle whistling]

[water running]

♪ Closer to the sun ♪

♪ Just hit 31 ♪

♪ The ring ran out of fun ♪

♪ And now it’s warm

like bathwater ♪

I brought the tea anyway, just in case.

[Jenny] Come in.

New contact, Jenny Threesome.

[Jenny laughs]

Okay, we can just go with Brooks.

Brooks, okay, Brooks.

“Threesome,” sorry.

It was nice to meet you, Jenny, yeah.

I’ll give you a call.

Sounds good.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

[upbeat music]

Hi.

Hi.

I see you’ve mastered the art of playing it cool.

I see you’ve taken my jacket.

I wanna take you on a real date.

Are you seriously not satisfied?

When I was cosucking your dick last night,

[patron spitting]

that wasn’t enough… for you?

It was unbelievable.

But forget the sex.

I had an amazing time.

I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.

And don’t forget the sex.

Will say, you picked up a thing or two since last time.

Oh, yeah?

Be still, my heart.

A sexual compliment?

Almost makes me forget waking up to a cold bed.

You can buy my breakfast.

That’s kind of like a date.

I want to buy you dinner tomorrow night.

I’m working.

The next night then.

Final offer.

Unless there’s a better night, in which case that’s totally fine with me as well.

Why do men think that unwanted persistence is so charming?

That’s fair.

In my defense, I was inside you like eight hours ago.

Okay, fine.

Fine?

Yeah, one date.

I overdressed, didn’t I?

What do you mean?

You’re saying I underdressed?

Do you want me to change?

You worried the drive-thru worker will see me?

For your information, this Taco Bell has an inside seating area.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, one sec.

Oh, it’s my sister.

Hey, what’s up?

Are you almost here?

Almost where?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh.

Like tonight, tonight.

Uh…

Yeah, no, I can be there in a few hours.

Olivia!

I’m kidding.

Oh my God, calm down. Bye.

Connor.

Do you wanna know what’s an amazing first date activity?

Don’t touch that.

I’m here.

Hey, don’t touch that.

Everyone relax, the situation is under control.

Thank you, hey, who’s this?

Connor.

Hi.

He’s great with kids, probably.

I actually have no idea now that I say that.

That’s for you.

Thank you.

Why is Connor in my house?

Remember when you were 16 and you’d babysit for your neighbor and you’d bring your friend?

And that friend was a 30yearold poetry teacher?

Sometimes he was, thank you, Roger.

Okay, weird. But in 30 seconds, I’m either burning this place down or leaving.

So, I don’t care.

Okay.

And I guess it was my fault ’cause I only reminded you, like, four times.

It’s okay, apology accepted.

No SEX on our BED, all right?

You don’t have to spell bed.

We’ll wash the sheets.

[Both] Not funny.

How many kids are there?

Okay, well this meeting of the Babysitters Club is hereby adjourned.

Please keep my children alive.

Don’t micromanage us. Bye.

I love you.

I love you.

Bye.

I don’t know you.

All right, kids, behave yourselves.

You too, Grace and Milo.

[door closes]

[lock clicks]

Now what?

[upbeat rock music]

[Milo screaming]

[Olivia] Grace, let’s eat, dinner time.

All right.

All right.

All right, come on.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Yay!

Oh!

[bat clattering]

[glass shatters]

[Olivia exhales deeply]

[water running]

♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪

♪ EIEIO ♪

That was pretty good.

And so, who’s on the farm?

Is it one of these?

Is it one of these?

Who’s that? Horse?

All right.

[Connor neighing]

[kids laughing]

♪ Had a chick ♪

♪ EIEIO ♪

♪ With a peep peep here ♪

♪ And a peep peep there ♪

♪ Here a peep, there a peep ♪

♪ Everywhere a peep, peep ♪

Olivia, get in here.

What’s that?

What?

That’s not the bottle I told you to open.

That’s like $200.

Fuck, I’m sorry, I thought…

[both laugh]

You never let up, do you?

That’s insane.

I can’t believe they do that every single day.

I felt like I was in “Uncut Gems.”

[laughing]

It’s deranged that I ever did that on my own.

Mm.

Thank you.

We make a good team.

Hey, to unconventional first dates.

Wow, and their corny toasts.

You can’t rag on my toast when you famously missed my best one ever.

Now that I think about it, you did play acoustic guitar at me on our first date so…

Which you loved.

Did not.

You’re a big softie.

No, I’m not.

As I’ve always suspected.

Okay, fine.

I have many sides.

I hope to get to see ’em all.

You wanna do it on my sister’s bed?

Thought they said no SEX.

Good thing I don’t know how to SPEL.

[balls clattering]

Weirdest thing that I’m most proud of…

My collar bones.

So, that’s what your face looks like when you look at yourself, you think, I love that clavicle?

Yeah, it is.

I weirdly like when people say I have nice handwriting, and I pride myself on being able to read other people’s messy writing.

Penmanship.

Yeah.

That’s too boring to be weird.

Ah, spoken like someone who’s never felt the rush of a handwriting compliment.

I once masturbated to Billy Joel.

What the fuck? On a dare?

No, because he’s a fucking poet.

New meaning to “River of Dreams.”

I’m sorry.

Please, I got Best Eyes and Best Eyebrows, which are two separate ones, I’ll have you know.

Thank you very much.

Congratulations.

Yes.

But I was really pissed because I wanted to get Best Sense of Humor and Carver Kazuski got it.

Basically just ’cause of her dumb Borat impression.

Borat?

That’s not even a hard impression.

No, I am fucking aware.

[Connor] I remember the first movie I ever saw, “Fantasia.”

[Olivia] Never seen it.

It’s a Tchaikovsky classical music piece.

Remember, I was playing you Tchaikovsky?

From “Fantasia?”

No, it’s not from, it was an original piece of music and then they decided to use the music

Skip, next movie.

Okay.

What’s the next one?

I’m bored. [laughs]

You ever seen “Shrek 2?”

Well, yeah.

That’s was the best feature film ever goshdarnmade.

Oh, I’m sorry, have I seen it?

Only 12 times.

Worst breakup?

Mmhmm.

Technically never actually been broken up with.

Oh, come on.

Leave it to me, take a couple years off from the boyfriend game and I get a guy who’s dumped everyone he’s ever dated.

Cool.

I think we both know, one way or another, my streak is doomed.

[gentle upbeat music]

Shit, I meant to empty out that trash.

I thought you were on the pill.

It’s hard to remember.

You know, you have to take one every single day.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And…

And?

Are you…

It’s not that big of a deal.

It’s early enough that I can take another pill or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

[water running]

And

Mmhmm.

Um, just checking.

Yeah.

A pill is what you want.

Can you even imagine? [laughs]

No, no. [chuckles] I mean, I can imagine.

What’s happening right now?

I don’t know.

I just, after the initial terror subsided, obviously, I had this strange moment when I saw the box.

Like, am I supposed to be terrified because it’s unexpected or ahead of schedule?

‘Cause like is it, is it even?

Yeah, it is.

Olivia, I’m 30.

I was eight when my mom was 30.

My dad had abandoned the whole family by the time he was 30.

I mean, I’m lagging.

[Olivia laughs]

That’s crazy.

All this time, we thought, like, I was the “out there” one, but clearly…

Connor, we’ve never even said

I love you.

I guess it would be rude of me not to confess that I…

I do love you too, I do.

But that doesn’t mean that we need to do something bonkers that we can never, ever take back.

You love me?

You’re gonna make me instantly regret saying that, aren’t you?

So, okay.

Just to recap, [clears throat] you’re pregnant.

Yeah.

And we love each other.

And we’ve been together for six weeks.

Yeah, but I didn’t meet you six weeks ago.

You’re great with kids.

Don’t you ever think about being a mom?

Someday.

Someday?

Yeah, someday.

Someday, like someday this Fall?

Someday like in five years.

Connor, I like, just can’t believe that you’re even considering this right now.

I can’t either, but all I know is my heart sank more when you mentioned the pill and when I saw that box.

Um, I can’t think right.

Can, yeah, I just have alet me think about it.

Think about it?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, it’s a lot.

I can work with that.

Okay.

Okay.

Baby steps. [chuckles] Sorry.

When you picture what you want your life to be like, what do you see?

What kind of question is that?

You wanna know mine?

It’s you and me, and kids, whenever that is.

[gentle music]

Okay, well, let’s make a pact then.

When we’re 86, if we’re still single.

All right, don’t even try.

Okay, 85.

You said you love me.

You can’t pretend anymore.

[birds chirping]

Maybe I like yours too.

Do you mean…?

Yes, dummy.

[smooching]

She asks a lot of questions, but it’ll be fine.

Just in and out.

Stick to the plan.

Just saying hi, okay?

Okay.

Wait.

What?

Do you think you should have worn baggier clothes?

I got a hoodie.

No, it’s fine.

Stop it, relax. It’s just a friendly visit.

I’m not gonna drop any bombs tonight.

[screaming]

I’m sorry, I panicked.

I don’t know why I just said that.

Is she taking it well?

I can’t tell.

Hard to say.

[bottle pops]

She just shoot herself?

[laughing] I’m gonna be a grandma!

What’s the gender?

We don’t know.

What’s the due date?

Not sure.

When’s the wedding?

Mom, there’s no wedding.

Do you need any caretaking?

Maybe.

I’m free on Tuesdays and Thursdays after 1:20.

We’ll talk about it.

And some Saturdays.

Thank you, mom.

What are you gonna name it?

[Connor] Mom.

What are we gonna name our kid?

What about Alice?

As in Wonderland?

Well, no, it was my mom’s mom’s name and I always liked it.

Hmm, I don’t know.

Oh, okay.

No, it reminds me of this girl named Alice from my high school.

Always ate cans of tuna for lunch.

And I’m like, no, not even with mayo.

And it wasn’t a poverty thing.

She just like, fucking loved tuna.

It was nauseating.

Jenny?

[Olivia] What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you, Connor.

[muffled dialogue]

[Olivia] Well, why, why haven’t you taken care of it?

I just don’t think that’s any of your business.

[Connor] Jenny, are you even sure it’s mine?

Hey, he was using a condom, remember?

I was there, he used a condom.

Not in the morning.

In the morning?

In the morning.

Okay.

[claps]

I’m out.

Hey, what do you mean you’re out?

Good luck, kids, this is one for the storybooks.

What, are you breaking up with me?

I’m not doing this if there’s a side piece, baby mama, absolutely not, that is not my life.

But we can get through this.

No.

Right?

Come on, we can, we have to, we have to get through this.

No, we don’t have to get through this.

I can get out of this and that’s what I’m gonna do.

The fuck is going on?

Hey, will you wait?

You’re overreacting.

Properly reacting.

This is how a normal person reacts.

This has nothing to do with us.

This is apocalyptically bad luck from before we even had our first date.

And if I had known that you’d fucked somebody else an hour before you’d asked me out on it, I would’ve stuck with no.

You did know.

It was your idea.

One hour, eight hours, what difference does it make?

The difference is that I can’t have your baby if you’re already having a baby with somebody else, obviously.

Olivia.

Olivia, please, don’t do this.

Get the fuck out of the way!

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

I’m gonna go.

I think this already went way worse than I ever expected it to.

[Connor] What did you want to happen?

I don’t know.

I just thought that you might wanna know.

[Connor] Yeah.

[gentle music]

Okay.

Jenny, we…

We can’t have a baby together.

That’s insane.

Well, it’s my decision and it was already really hard to make.

So, I can do it alone if I have to.

But I also told my parents that you were my boyfriend.

So…

[trombone playing]

[trumpet playing]

[phone ringing]

[Olivia] Hi, leave a voicemail if you want.

If it’s still 2009, I might listen to it.

[trumpet playing]

So, you had a threesome and you got both girls pregnant?

Technically, I just got both girls from the threesome pregnant.

And the random stranger that you picked up and raw dogged happens to be a life-begins-at-conception evangelical.

I don’t know what she is, but if you’re antiabortion, you should not be having three-way.

That’s very true.

It’s false advertising.

There should be like a sex prenup to prevent this kind of thing.

Ooh, yes.

We’re having coffee this weekend.

Oh my God, that’s so cute.

Try not to get any of the baristas pregnant.

You guys are so lucky to be gay.

Can’t get anybody pregnant.

[Greg] Still try.

You do know the sperm of gay men has the same capabilities as yours, right?

Look, I didn’t even think I finished inside her.

We were in the shower and I didn’t want to kill the mood.

Go drip water everywhere.

So, I just, you know, evacuated, tad early.

Okay, so, after thousands of years of perfection, the pullout method has finally failed.

Thanks, thanks, buddy, pilot on.

That’s crazy, that doesn’t make any sense.

It’s weird.

I spent so much time imagining what me and Olivia had in store, so real and clear in my head.

And now it’s not gonna be that way, it’s gone.

And I miss it somehow.

I miss things that didn’t even happen.

Do you wanna just throw some darts at me, let it out?

[Connor] Is that okay?

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Go ahead.

I don’t think you’re gonna hit me, I’ve seen you play.

[Matthew] Hey, come on.

Next round’s on me, huh?

[Greg] Okay, who’s pregnant now?

♪ Bring your fine

self on home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Hi.

I didn’t think you’d respond.

Well, it’s my birthday and I’m feeling particularly vulnerable.

Any chance you have a pregnancy fetish?

What? What, why? No.

Are you pregnant?

Your face, I was gonna do a whole bit pretending that it’s yours but doesn’t really work with a guy who has a vasectomy.

Doesn’t really set the mood either, so.

And you’re keeping it?

Fuck, no.

But you know me.

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

That’s not how that saying goes.

I’m not here for the conversation.

Good.

Because pregnant women are sexy as fuck!

Since there’s only gonna be one kid now, maybe I could be twice the father, you know?

Like, if you’ve never sailed before, it’s probably easier to just steer one boat at a time.

It’s a weird analogy, I’ve never even sailed, I’m sorry.

Could we not make jokes about this?

This is my life.

Like, you think I want to be pregnant with some random person’s baby?

I wanted to do this when I was ready.

Or like, at least with someone that I loved.

And here I was thinking that I’d only ruined my life.

Oh, no, no, I don’t mean it like that.

You were just being yourself that night.

And I was really trying to be someone else.

And I think I overcompensated so much that I got what I deserved.

But then, why keep it?

It was clearly a mistake.

No one would judge you.

I mean, I would judge me.

It would be one thing if I actually tried to prevent this and it happened anyway, but I didn’t do anything to prevent this.

Like, how could you call that a mistake?

That literally makes no sense to me.

But I respect it.

Look, I’m here because I wanna try and do the right thing, whatever that may be.

Can we pray?

What?

Oh.

Yeah. Now?

Mmhmm.

Yep.

You lead.

Me?

I was hoping you would ask.

♪ I’m so… ♪

Are you singing it?

Well, I don’t know how to pray.

[Jenny laughs]

Am I doing it wrong?

No, I’m messing with you.

Ohh.

That is a relief. [laughs]

[phone vibrates]

Sorry.

I’m just gonna take this.

Yeah.

One sec, I’m sorry.

Yeah.

[phone vibrates]

Hey.

[Olivia] If you’re trying to talk me out of it, just save it, okay?

I don’t feel bad about it and I don’t want to.

No, no, no. I just wanna know you’re okay.

[Olivia] Yeah, I’m okay, I’m fine.

But I mean, the only other person whose responsibility this is, is yours.

So I’m gonna need you to like Venmo me or something.

You want me to Venmo you for an abortion I don’t want to have?

[Olivia] Fuckin’ PayPal then, I don’t care.

Fine.

[Olivia] Thank you.

It’s on Tuesday, so I’ll let you know the total then.

Okay?

Tuesday?

It’s on this, this Tuesday?

[Olivia] Yeah.

Maya and I have to drive to Illinois though, so that’s fun.

Yay, medieval abortion laws.

Everything is a fiery hellscape.

Olivia, can I just see you before you go, please?

I’m not changing my mind. You can go home.

I’m not here to change your mind.

I’m here to support you.

What, support me, how?

You make a road trip mix?

Look, I can accept you’re not having our baby anymore, but I can’t accept what’s happened to us.

I don’t wanna do this right now.

Can we fight about it when I get back, please?

Just let me take you. Please.

It’s my responsibility.

It’s not your responsibility.

I’m not some scared sophomore cheerleader, I’m fine.

Honestly, I don’t need you to take me.

I have Maya.

Maya, wouldn’t Roger rather I took her, so you can stay?

No.

Okay.

We started this thing together.

We should end it that way too.

Connor.

Please, I want to have this abortion with you.

[Olivia mumbles]

I was planning on sleeping most of the way there anyway.

So if it’s, like, really important to you, then fine.

I love you.

I love you. Drive safe.

And yes, I did make a road trip mix.

[upbeat guitar music]

It’s nice to see you.

Nice to see you too.

♪ And I told myself ♪

♪ It’s never gonna

be the same ♪

Beautiful drive.

Stunning.

Going back to bed.

[soft upbeat music]

♪ And I told myself ♪

It’s down here, to the right.

Okay.

Okay.

[phone ringing]

Which option is better?

[Doctor] That’s entirely up to you.

Some people prefer to do the procedure here and know it’s completely taken care of.

When you leave here, you know you’re no longer pregnant.

Some feel the pills offer a less invasive, more private option.

I don’t know, I’m just, I don’t know what to do.

But I don’t have to make the decision right now, right?

‘Cause I have to think about it for 24 hours.

Isn’t there a wait…

Not here in Illinois.

No, okay.

No.

Okay.

But you absolutely can take the night to think it over, if you’d like.

Okay.

[Doctor] We can get you back in tomorrow, that’s no problem.

Okay, sorry.

Don’t be sorry, darling.

Did you know the abortion itself only takes between five and 10 minutes?

Isn’t that weird?

You carry this thing for weeks, literally growing inside you.

And then…

If it makes you feel better, my part in making it was also five to 10 minutes, so.

I don’t wanna eat that.

[soft piano music]

You awake?

Yeah.

Can I come over there?

[bed creaking]

No funny business.

You’re the funny one.

I can only do serious business.

Oh my God, I’m the funny one, all right.

Permission to kiss you on the forehead?

[gentle music swelling]

Mm, top of the head only.

One peck.

It’s gonna be okay.

Can I just, can I just take a minute?

Yeah.

I don’t think that I wanna do this.

Really?

Does this make me a Republican?

No.

No, no, no.

We came 300 miles for an abortion and that is what I’m getting, an abortion.

What? Hey, hey, hang on.

[Olivia] I’m losing my fucking mind right now.

Hang on.

You just said you don’t want an abortion, then looked in my face and changed your mind.

Look, do you not want a baby ’cause you don’t want a baby or because you’re mad at me?

Even if it’s what I want to do, it doesn’t mean it’s what I should do.

Since when does Olivia Capitano give a fuck about what she should do?

Well, maybe Olivia Capitano doesn’t know what she wants at all.

What do you think she wants?

You claim to know her so well.

I think Olivia Capitano

You can stop that whole thing now.

Okay, I think that you…

I think if you go in there and have an abortion, you won’t regret it.

But I think you wanna keep it.

So, you’re saying keeping it wouldn’t be a huge mistake.

I will make sure it isn’t.

Why did you have to go and have the world’s most potent fucking sperm?

A week ago, I can’t, really, it’s just like I felt like I had everything, I did, I was actually happy.

And if I can hold on to some of that, then…

Are you sure?

No.

That’s my decision.

Let’s go home.

♪ People tell me that

I’m not as strong

♪

Glad you came.

Wanted persistence for the win.

♪ If they don’t

see me around ♪

♪ You know they think there’s

something is wrong with me ♪

It is always hard to reconcile how cool you are, but the fact that you listen to this kind of music, I’m sorry, I…

And skip.

What is this?

What’s what?

Who’s Kevin Winebar?

Gimme my phone.

His wife’s out of town, no, what is it?

Jesus Christ, we’re in a moving car!

Don’t read my texts.

Olivia.

You know what, that’s it.

[Olivia] What are doing right now?

Connor.

Yeah.

[door thuds]

You can’t give me shit for this.

We broke up.

We were in love.

We were having a, we are having a baby.

And you’re already fucking somebody else?

No, no, no, no, I’m not fucking somebody else.

I fucked somebody else.

Just because he wants to do it again doesn’t mean that I want to.

I honestly, I don’t.

Sorry, so, I can’t be hurt about it, ’cause it was just the one time?

I’m allowed to try and feel better.

We’re supposed to be there for each other.

I’m the one who gets to try and make you feel better.

You got somebody else pregnant.

That was an accident.

We weren’t even together yet.

And we’re not together now.

Connor, you said that we could do this trip without you bringing this shit up and now you’re bringing this shit up.

I said, I said that when I saw that box, my life was changed.

Everything I’ve done since then has been with you, and that baby, and the rest of our lives in mind.

Stupidly, I thought you were the same.

That other baby’s gonna be around for the rest of your life too. So is Jenny.

Yeah.

Okay?

Whatever we had before, it doesn’t exist anymore and it can’t come back.

You can say that again.

[soft melancholic music]

[rain pattering]

Two girls pregnant?

Come on, Connor!

I feel a little bad for my grandkids, because they’re inheriting your moronic genes.

Well, where’d you think I got my genes from, huh?

Touché.

Coffee with a splash of whiskey.

Oh, wow, didn’t even check to see if I was joking.

Just sort of dove right in.

Hmm.

I’m really sorry Olivia’s pulling away.

I like her, I really like her, but she doesn’t know what she wants.

She said she wanted us.

[Suzanne] Without any prompting from you.

You don’t think there’s a special someone out there for everybody?

No. [scoffs] No, and everybody who does is a fucking maniac, Connor.

Or maybe, you know what?

Actually maybe there is a perfect person for somebody, but the world is so fucking humongous.

How the fuck are you gonna find that perfect person?

So, we’re all just running around unhappy, cheating, or getting divorced.

You literally just got married.

Gay people are different.

We are so different.

We can say marriage is forever, look at Hugh Jackman.

But I actually do just think I can convince her that I’m right, and she’s wrong.

Oh my God.

How did I raise such a man?

Wonderfully.

Don’t forget, there’s another girl who may appreciate your supportive partner energy and you have a responsibility to her too.

And to her baby, most of all.

I actually do think Jenny has an OBGYN appointment coming up.

Perfect, take her to it.

What if she gets the wrong idea?

And I’m like, wanting to shack up or…

Take a friend.

This is so exciting.

Yeah. Thanks for coming.

Dude, of course, would never miss this.

Wait, I never even really saw her.

She’s beautiful.

Yeah.

Is she still up for threesomes?

Fuck.

Ugh, fuck.

That’s the mother of my child, you disgusting animal.

Don’t make me regret bringing you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, how’s it going?

Hey, have a seat.

It’s okay.

Come on in.

Hey.

Someone else is here.

Yes, this is Greg.

Hi, I’m Greg Demopolis.

Hi.

I’m here to support him while he supports you, which I guess means you’re supporting me, if that’s cool.

Do you always bring an extra person?

[Greg laughs]

[Greg] Wait, I like you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So, like, I hate to ask because you know, it’s like, gauche and reductionist and everything, but like, what do you do?

I’m in grad school, but I work at a soup kitchen.

Oh, you work at a soup kitchen?

Mmhmm.

Oh.

You didn’t know what she did?

She doesn’t know what I do either.

Aren’t you a recording engineer?

[Connor] Yep.

It’s a nonprofit.

We do like, bag lunches and hot meals for unhoused people and low income families and stuff.

Wow, you are making me seem like more of an asshole than usual.

No.

I just help yuppies get fucked up.

[Jenny] You’re a drug dealer?

[laughs] No, I am a bartender, but I work at the place where you two met, remember?

Three-way ticket to pound town.

Whoa, okay.

Ohh.

Too glib there, chief.

Hey, I don’t think you’re glib.

I think you are very honest and direct.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, it’s unique.

I feel like you give it to me straight, you know what I mean?

All right, not totally straight.

So, was the threesome your first time?

Or like

Whoa, dude, what the fuck?

[Jenny] Why? Why would you ask that?

I just heard there was a religious element.

Maybe I’m projecting.

You don’t have to answer him, Jenny, okay?

It was not my first time, definitely not.

Okay, so what was your first time like?

Greg, shut the fuck up.

It’s okay, seriously.

Okay, I’m sorry.

You can involve her in all your little twisted hedonistic sex games, but I can’t ask her a simple question, Connor?

Continue, if you may.

Okay, well it was my senior year production of “Cats” and it was during intermission.

All right.

Rum Tum Tugger.

Okay.

Fucked me behind the back curtain.

Wow, Cat

Okay.

Wow.

Yeah.

Amazing.

And you’re fully in character?

Oh, full costume.

Full costume.

So, you lost it before Connor?

He was a late bloomer, yeah.

I mean, ’cause I forgot to bring condom to prom, okay?

Yeah, and he never has unprotected sex.

It’s like, principle.

How late was the bloom?

We don’t have to talk

22, yeah.

He was, [slowly] 22 years old.

[Doctor] We’ll be doing a physical exam today, which will include a breast and pelvic exam.

We’ll do some blood tests and urine studies just to establish a baseline, and we’ll do a vaginal ultrasound to try and hear the baby’s heartbeat.

Greg, what are you doing here?

Oh boy, this is too good.

Hey, what are you

You decided to bring her to my doctor?

I don’t own the doctor.

What do I know about finding an obstetrician?

It was this or Yelp.

So, Yelp, that’s how I found this place.

What does she not have her own OB?

I do, I

So, why are you here?

I just, I did, I mean, I’ve, I have known her since I was 13 and I was embarrassed.

This is insane.

[Jenny] I thought you were…

Oh, are you like, mad I didn’t get an abortion or something?

Oh my God.

No, I just, I thought that you

Thought what?

It’s none of your business, remember?

Olivia, will you lay off her?

Connor, I am way too hormonal for surprises right now, okay.

This is so uncomfortable and awkward.

This person wants to die right now.

You know what?

I think maybe you should just go in with her.

I don’t want him to go in with me.

I don’t really wanna see either of you two right now.

Look, if you let him go in with you, I’ll find another doctor, okay?

[Olivia] Well, why do you care so much?

Because our kids are basically twins.

And the mother of my kid’s twin yells at me every time she sees me.

I’m not yelling at you!

And, well, now I’m yelling and, you know, you were like the coolest person I’d ever met.

And I really, I actually thought you liked me.

And this is already so hard.

Can’t we just help each other?

You are like, so nice.

What’s wrong with you?

I shouldn’t have been such a fucking bitch to you just now.

That was not fair or nice.

That’s all right.

And I’m embarrassed.

I know, I fucked up your life pretty bad, so I get it.

It’s not your fault.

It’s nobody’s fault.

[Greg] No, it’s Connor’s fault.

It’s Connor’s fault.

[Greg] Yeah.

She really knows how to get what she wants, huh?

[gentle pensive music]

[door opens]

Hi, I’m sorry, did you forget something?

Other than a condom?

O…kay, yeah.

[Jenny] Wow. Thank you for buying that.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Did not realize cribs were so expensive.

You know, in Finland, babies sleep in boxes that are provided by the government.

Oh, well, why didn’t you say?

I could’ve just bought you a ticket to Finland for the same price.

[Jenny laughs]

Hey, could you you grab that?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

No, you’re good.

Ah.

I’m fine.

[Jenny laughs]

[Jenny] Oh my God. Whew.

I just wanted to say, I’m sorry that I never called you after that night we first met.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, no, that’s typical dating, isn’t it?

It’s just, I don’t want you to think that it wasn’t genuine.

That was a very genuine threesome.

I’m trying to be serious.

Okay.

And are you just apologizing or is this going somewhere?

Whatever else is happening in my life right now, I want you to know that I’m on your side.

Well, since you brought it up, my parents are pretty anxious to meet my boyfriend, baby daddy.

Oh, they, they still think that I’m…

It would only be this once.

I am going to tell them soon.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

Also, I know it was a chaotic time, but I really am sorry for sort of, sort of asking you to get an aborsh.

Oh, that’s, don’t ever call it that.

No, nope.

And don’t let anything like that slip when you’re with my parents.

No, I’m a parents’ wet dream, honestly.

Oh.

[heartbeat thumping]

[Olivia] I wanna know the sex of the baby.

Didn’t you want to be surprised?

You said you didn’t want any gender specific clothes.

I think I’ve had enough surprises for one pregnancy.

What is it?

[Doctor] I’m happy to report you’ll soon be proud parents to a beautiful baby girl.

[heartbeat thumping]

I knew it.

That’s crazy.

You didn’t seem that excited.

Of course I’m excited.

When the doctor said it was a girl, I was really excited, I wanted to hug you.

And then I thought, no, don’t, she won’t want that.

It’ll ruin the moment for her.

And realizing that, it kind of put a damper on things for me.

That all went through your head in like, two seconds?

Yeah.

I’m sorry, it’s dumb.

And I didn’t need to tell you.

No, I understand.

Do you, though?

I think so.

I’m not sure I do.

I’m not sure why we’re doing this version where I ruin the special moment and get all emo in the parking lot.

I could, ’cause we could have it so much better.

We could.

When I saw that text from Kevin Winebar, a name which is seared in my brain by the way, it sucked.

But I can get past it.

I know it’s not the same.

I know what we have with Jenny is more permanent and complicated, I know.

Don’t you think if we try, if we really try, we could get past it too?

No, I

[Connor] Why?

Because it makes me feel pathetic.

Pathetic?

Yeah, I feel fucking pathetic.

For you, yeah, it’s not that bad, you know?

You knocked up two hot babes.

You know that every guy that finds that out for the rest of your life is gonna be like, “Damn, that Connor, what a fucking stud.”

And then for me, of course they’re thinking.

“Shit, her dude knocked up another girl at the exact same time and she’s gonna take him back?

How weak is that, how desperate is she?

How pathetic is she, how” No, thank you, you know? It’s just…

[Connor] Sure was a lot in there about what other people think.

It’s what I think.

It’s not about getting past something.

It’s about a new reality.

One that I don’t want.

And I’m sorry, it’s dumb.

And I didn’t need to tell you.

I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you say “I’m sorry” before.

And you never will again.

[Connor chuckles]

I’m glad you’re having a girl.

Maybe Alice is back in the mix for a name.

Maybe? Maybe.

Maybe?

Maybe.

Maybe for you and Jenny.

[birds chirping]

Is this a weird hug?

If you have to ask, then yes, it’s a weird hug.

Thought so.

I don’t hate it.

Hi, everybody, I’m Greg.

Olivia and I have been physical life partners for…

[Both] …sssssix years.

We’re technically divorced, yeah.

We don’t know the gender of the child yet, but we do know that gender is a lie.

Did we talk about the conception?

I don’t think we talked about the conception.

But we can talk about it.

We’re past that now.

[Olivia] That pretty much sums it up.

The name.

The name.

The name is gonna be Elon.

Thank you, Greg, very creative.

Namaste.

Okay.

How about you guys?

Hi, I’m Jenny, this is Connor.

We’re not married either, but we haven’t even really been together very long.

But we’re optimistic.

Yeah, we are together in our dedication in bringing this baby into the best possible situation that we can.

Thank you for sharing.

What a lovely sentiment from a lovely person.

Hi.

Whoa, hi.

Cool place to stand.

Dumb question.

You and Jenny aren’t like, banging or anything, right?

You’re right. That is a dumb question.

Why would you think that?

I don’t know, the fact that you guys had already signed up for this class and all the stuff that she said about you guys in there.

Are you naming our kid Elon?

So, there’s nothing happening at all, right?

No.

Wait, it’s so nice to finally meet you, Connor.

If I’m being honest, I’d been a tad bit worried when I heard about Jenny’s situation, but I’m just, I’m so relieved that she has a man who can take care of her.

Well, we’re taking care of each other.

I guess it’s good that we didn’t meet too soon, you know, right after the unexpected news, but…

Oh, okay, excuse me.

You know what would would be fun?

Do you remember the little videos that you used to make? Connor.

Oh, no, no.

We had a little Elizabeth Taylor over here.

A star!

Wait a minute.

Do you have to bring this up ever again?

Let’s get ’em.

No, she was adorable.

Let’s get ’em.

You never never seen anything cuter.

What about it, Connor?

You wanna see my little Cookie back then?

I’m mean, if, if Jenny wants to.

No, guys, guys, please stop.

Guys, absolutely not.

♪ My name is Jenny, Jenny ♪

Please, can we please not do this, genuinely?

[Mom] Jenny, you’re in the way, move.

This is so embarrassing, stop. Please, mom.

She’s flying.

Look, I made those little wings, can you believe it?

They’re really nice.

Adorable.

She’s so cute.

Honey, remember this?

Okay, she became obsessed with weddings and she wanted to be a bride.

Remember that?

She saw our wedding video.

Yeah.

Oh, she was so cute.

…going to get married!

It’s a miracle!

I think she was gonna marry her teddy bear.

Do you remember when they married a Ken doll?

Okay, I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

And Ashley Martin’s cat.

Wow.

[parents laughing]

Look at her.

Oh, such a sweety.

…would wanna marry my best friend.

You know about arranged marriages and stuff?

I’ve been thinking about people in India, in Japan, and they couldn’t be any less happy than people here, right?

Maybe even more happy.

And why is that?

Maybe love is just commitment.

I don’t think that’s all love is.

Jenny, I’m just here to support you.

I think maybe I should go.

Can you just hold me?

I don’t think I can do this alone.

Jenny?

Jenny?

[Connor] Oh, shit.

I thought you left last night.

I fell asleep by accident.

I mean, I didn’t even sleep that much.

It was very hard.

The floor.

Mmhmm.

Well, fool me twice, shame on me, I suppose.

She is already pregnant.

Coffee?

I should really get going.

You’re the first boy to spend the night in that room, Connor, all right?

Come on and have a cup of Joe with me.

[inquisitive music]

Cheers.

Bad luck to cheers with coffee.

Yep.

I think you can understand that this situation is difficult for me, can’t you?

Yes, sir, I do.

We never imagined things would go like this for Jenny.

We always try to impart a certain set of values in this house.

And that may seem a little outdated to a young person like yourself.

But let me tell you, it can lead to a mighty uncomplicated life.

And that’s all we want for Jenny.

An uncomplicated life.

And now we’re trusting you to provide it.

Yes, sir.

[upbeat guitar music]

So, you’re going to lay with your chest down on the pillow like this.

And partners, you’re going to put your hands on either side of her hips, give her hips a good jiggle, relaxes the pelvis, reset the nervous system…

♪ From such a sad, sad song ♪

♪ I’m leaning on a lamppost ♪

♪ I’m melting in the sun ♪

When are you gonna tell your parents the truth about us?

Deathbed?

You know, it’s just been so much better for me since they met you.

It’s like, they’re excited about the baby and they wanna help.

And it’s made me feel like this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened.

That doesn’t really answer my question.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Ugh.

Hi.

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck.

What?

Oh my God.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

What’s wrong?

Oh yeah, hemorrhoids.

You’re gonna get those.

That is just not okay.

Why is pregnancy so disgusting?

I’ve never been this disgusting.

Women shouldn’t have to be subjected to this.

Men should have to get pregnant.

They’re already gross.

Surprise!

Surprise.

Wow, thanks, everyone.

We did not see this coming at all.

We didn’t see that baby coming either.

[laughing]

Ha!

It’s true. You are gonna be like a gross, disgusting freak probably for the rest of your life.

Thank you.

Yeah, welcome to parenthood.

But it’s gonna be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you.

When?

Connor, Jenny tells me you do some volunteer work with the Methodist church.

Oh, she did?

Mmhmm.

Yeah. Well, I don’t like to, to brag.

Which church?

Peachtree, Central United?

Yeah, both of those.

You know what, I would do ’em all if I could.

I just, I love, I love the Methodists and they’re…

They’re Methodist.

Bingo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I heard the pastor at Peachtree got fired for using the collection funds to fund his liposuction.

No.

Girl.

Yes.

I don’t really, I don’t know about that.

You know, I don’t like to spread rumors, so.

Right, right.

Yeah.

The only gos he spreads is the gospel.

Can I get an Amen, saints?

Do you want my advice?

[Milo] Mommy!

Mommy!

Enjoy the silence.

What is it, honey?

I just wiped Grace’s butt!

[Olivia laughs]

[gentle music]

Hi, hi, everyone.

I’m Connor.

Dalai Lama sucks.

[guests laughing]

Or a heart that’s afraid to break is a heart that’s never used.

Thanks for throwing this for us.

Definitely never forget it.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Very kind of you to say.

Well, we will let you two say goodbye.

Yeah.

[door closes]

We have got to tell him.

I know, I know.

Just, when the time’s right, okay?

I’ll see you.

[solemn music]

You know, it was a pretty solid party, like objectively.

It’s got cornbread, reppressed sexual energy.

I don’t really need anything else.

Hey, come on, man, you could do a lot worse than this.

Seriously, it’s not that bad.

Matt’s mom is a flat-Earther.

I said I wanted to travel around the globe, we got in a huge fucking argument.

[“How Does It Feel”]

♪ Tell me, my love ♪

♪ How does it feel ♪

♪ To know ♪

♪ This doesn’t seem real ♪

♪ To me, this is not ♪

♪ Not anything ♪

♪ I could have caught ♪

♪ Or I could have seen ♪

No fucking way. That’s the wrong screw again?

♪ I’m caught ♪

♪ Caught in the wind ♪

♪ No where to stand ♪

♪ Nowhere I’ve been ♪

♪ So, tell me, my love ♪

♪ Did you know ♪

♪ I would fall ♪

♪ As hard as I stand ♪

[soft guitar and humming]

Oh my God.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, no problem.

What kind of high school senior gets chicken pox?

Nobody gets chicken pox, she’s a liar.

She’s dead to us.

Okay, there’s leftover pasta in the fridge.

He likes it with salt, butter and salt from the salt shaker.

But listen, not from the salt dish, okay?

Okay, got it, yes.

I’m gonna text you from the car.

I will be fine. I’m ready to get some practice.

Go, you’re already late.

We love you, Grace.

We love you, Milo.

Bye.

Be nice to Aunt Livvy.

[door thuds]

Three eights.

Uh oh, careful.

I have to do two.

Thanks for not having anything better to do.

We make a good team, remember?

Here you go.

I don’t have blues or eights.

Here, pumpkin.

You don’t have any blues?

Oh, you shouldn’t have told me that.

[Olivia sighs]

[Connor] I’m gonna put down yellow five.

[Milo] My turn.

[Connor] So, did I put down a six or did you?

I did.

So, it’s my turn?

So I can put down a red six?

I know that, face up.

Face up.

Like that?

What about if I play…

[Milo] Yeah, that’s fine.

[Connor] Oh, you didn’t see that coming, did you?

Kids, it’s time for bed.

[water trickling]

Looks like you were a huge hit at that baby shower.

Oh.

I wouldn’t say a hit.

I straight up asked you if you and Jenny were together.

We’re not together.

And you said that you

I promise.

Then what was that?

I said I was with her, I wanted to help and it got outta hand and she’s not helping me out.

[Olivia] What?

I was afraid you’d be mad.

Well, at least you get me.

Hey.

She’s just waiting for the right time to tell them we broke up.

You honestly believe that?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you’ve clearly never had an affair with a married person before.

The longer you do this, the easier it is for you guys to just end up together.

It’s not what she wants.

Why wouldn’t she want that?

You tell me!

[Olivia] What do you mean?

You’re in the exact same position as her, you can’t ever stop telling me how much

Okay, we should be quiet.

You don’t wanna get back together.

The kids are sleeping!

Here’s the thing, though.

You can’t tell me what to do with Jenny.

And not because I’m not making obvious mistakes and enabling her and leading her on.

I don’t know, I hope not.

But, but because that’s not your role anymore.

You didn’t want it to be.

That’s not what, I…

I think about us getting back together all the time.

I wish it was as easy as you say it is.

I just, it’s hard.

I know that I’m the one making it harder in a lot of ways.

And it’s not because I don’t care, I…

Oh.

Maya, Roger, hi.

Hi, how was night?

[Maya] Connor, hi.

Thank you, Connor, for your help.

Mmhmm, yeah.

And your assistance.

Of course.

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Bye, guys. Sorry.

[Olivia] He was helping me.

Were they KISSING?

[romantic string music]

I mean, you got it, right?

You got what I was trying to say,…

Right?

Think you got it?

[knocking]

Oh, hello–

What the fuck is that?

[bottle clatters]

What the fuck, you?

Why are you still pregnant?

Hmm, changed my mind.

What’s your vibe?

Fucking relax, dude, what do you care?

You said you were going to get it taken care of.

I texted you to see how it went, and you said, “Fine.”

Yeah, it did go fine.

I wanted to keep it.

What?

Um…

What?

I never got a vasectomy.

I never got one. Never had it.

You told me that you had a vasectomy.

I did, I know I did, and I lied about that because, I don’t know, I thought that like, it would make it seem to you like it was less serious with my wife.

So I

“Less serious with your wife?”

You said you were on the pill.

Mmhmm.

You said that.

I’m gonna fucking kill you.

You fucking asshole!

Hey, don’t hit me, please.

Less serious with your wife?!

Chill, stop, stop.

Calm down, calm down, okay?

[Olivia screaming]

[both screaming]

That’s not good for the baby.

[Olivia breathing heavily]

You okay?

[indistinct whispering]

Whose did you think it was?

It might not be mine, right?

You piece of shit!

Oh my God, I just Googled prenatal paternity testing.

My life is officially hot fucking garbage.

[Kevin crying]

Are you crying?

Please don’t tell my wife, okay, please?

It’s not possible for me to wanna talk to your wife any less than I already do.

Okay, here’s one, 99% accurate results in under a week.

Great, good, thank you, I will take care of it.

All right, it’s $1,600.

1,600?

Kevin!

That’s fine, it’s fine, I got it.

And they say chivalry is dead.

[Kevin] [sniffles] I got too many kids already.

Kevin.

Can’t believe it’s almost time.

A kid is so permanent, you know?

We’ll never not have a kid ever again.

Hey, do you wanna talk about the other night?

Do you ever consider that I may not be what’s best for you?

That I just keep hurting you?

Whoa, where’s this coming from?

I’m brash, I’m selfish.

I’m always in a bad mood.

I’m a lifetime fuckup trying to convince the world that I’m not.

Why would you want that?

You are so smart,

[gentle music]

and funny, and beautiful, and undoubtedly gonna own your own restaurant one day, because if there’s one thing I know, you always find a way to be the boss. [laughs]

I am bossy.

Olivia, all my life, I’ve felt like I was

[Olivia grunts]

What? You okay?

Ahh.

Oh, shit!

Okay, where do you fall on this scale?

Hmm, you know, I’m…

Hmm?

I wouldn’t say it’s a full smile.

Okay, when they ask though, say, because the epidural will be ready faster.

Like that?

No, like, yeah, that’s good.

Like, mm.

[Olivia growling]

[imitating Marlon Brando]

I gotta have da epidural.

Can I just tell them that I’m in pain?

Yes, but also make the face.

Should I just put a question mark here or?

It’s not funny, dude.

Did you tell him?

No, and I’m hoping that there’s nothing to tell.

Keep your fingers crossed.

[Nurse] She’s still only four centimeters.

Can I go in?

Sure.

Hey.

Hey.

Not to brag, but that nurse and I just got to third base.

She’s zero centimeters dilated if you were curious. [laughs]

Do you remember how we first met?

When you got hired

No, no, no, just before that.

Your old manager had that party and Greg brought me, and you and I were waiting in line for the bathroom, making small talk.

And then the frat bro came over, started hitting on you.

Yeah, as frat guys do.

Yeah, yeah, and he asked who you knew at the party, and you pointed at me and said we were childhood friends.

And he looked kind of suspicious.

So, I said, okay, well, on three, let’s say the person our high school is named after.

And I counted down and said, “Thomas Jefferson.”

And you counted down and said, said

“Saddam Hussein.”

Which made me laugh so much.

And you just kept doing more and more ridiculous answers about our favorite teacher, and our first pet, and I can’t remember, but it was honestly the most charming thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Wow.

I tried to introduce you to Greg that night.

Yes.

Yes, because you didn’t know he brought me and you thought we’d vibe, which, you know, props to you.

Very astute.

I may have thought you were gay.

Huh.

[Olivia] Still on the fence.

I take that as a compliment.

[gentle music]

One day, I wanna tell our daughter the story of how we met.

I hope you do.

I could have swore that these things are like, 40 minutes, tops.

Oh, I’m sorry, are you bored?

Because I’ve literally never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.

Okay, but this is the longest recorded delivery in human history, right?

She just got here yesterday.

Okay, so…

No.

No, obviously.

I’m just checking.

[Olivia groaning]

[phone rings]

Hi, there.

It’s happening.

I just got admitted.

What?

You’re here?

Now? I mean, there?

Yeah, sorry, I would’ve called you earlier, but my water hadn’t broken yet and I thought it was, you know, a false alarm.

No, no, of course.

Where exactly are you in the hospital?

[Jenny] Labor and delivery.

I’m not giving birth in the cafeteria, Connor.

Thanks, Ma.

I’m sorry.

But if you’re confused, I’m sure someone could show you where…

Okay.

Why are you here already?

Do you know if I could get a good kombucha around here?

[Jenny] Greg?

Hi, what’s up?

Hi.

Hey.

I think we should probably get going to my room now, dad, right?

Yeah, let’s go get settled.

Shall we?

Dad, dad, dad, just.

Paul, Paul?

Leave these people alone.

Dad? Dad!

Paul, Paul.

No, no.

Can we help you?

So, this is Olivia.

Hey, my life partner, my physical life partner.

Jenny said you were homosexual.

Which we completely support.

I was drunk. We were drunk.

This is 2024, you know?

What is this?

[tense music]

I’m so sorry.

[punch thuds]

[Connor groans]

[Jenny] Dad!

Dad, stop!

[indistinct shouting]

No, no, no, stay.

Dad!

Hey, easy.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Dad, let go.

You son of a bitch!

[indistinct shouting]

Hey, what is going on?

You keep your hands off of him, you motherfucker!

She’s having Connor’s baby too.

No.

All right, don’t worry.

No, no, no.

That can’t be. That can’t be.

Is this true?

Oh.

[Jenny panting]

Look out.

[gentle music]

[whispers] I’m sorry.

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is her.

Sure, March 15th, 1993.

Yeah, it’s 5422.

Okay, yeah, I can wait.

[gentle music fades]

I should go.

Oh, you don’t have to leave.

[machine beeping]

Look, um…

I am so sorry for that.

I told her she had to tell her parents and she said

She’s not your baby.

What?

She’s not yours.

Why are you saying that?

Because it’s true. [sobs] I just found out, I swear.

I couldn’t let you…

I’m so sorry.

I don’t understand.

Who

[machine beeping]

[soft melancholic music]

[muffled dialogue]

I so wanted her to be yours.

I swear. [crying]

[indistinct sobbing]

[door whirring]

[gentle piano music]

[sniffles]

Paul. Paul.

I think you’re in the wrong room.

I’m here for the birth of my daughter.

I’m not gonna let her down too.

Dad.

[Doctor] Okay, here we go.

Take a deep breath.

One, two, three, four, five.

You’re strong, you got it.

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

[Olivia shouting]

Another deep breath.

It’s fine.

You’re doing so well.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yes.

[Connor] Good job, good job.

You’re doing so well.

You’re doing so good.

[Connor] Good job, good job.

[heavy breathing]

Okay.

Just one more big push, one.

Two, three, four, five.

Okay, she’s coming.

[Jenny screaming]

That’s it, you got it.

[baby crying]

[Jenny sobbing]

Oh, my God.

You did it, you did it.

[swelling string music]

[Jenny sobbing]

You did it!

You did it.

[both crying]

Connor, I did some things

You don’t need to do this.

Do what?

Like, you don’t need to explain, or make excuses, or apologize.

I’ve just spent the last few hours on the world’s most fucked-up rollercoaster of emotions and I can’t deal with another dip.

I did something that hurt you and I would do anything in the entire world to take it back.

Anything.

I don’t expect that you’ll forgive me or get past it, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much and I wish I said it more often, but I

It’s not about getting past it.

It’s about a new reality, remember?

I didn’t understand that then.

But I do now.

[indistinct PA announcement]

Connor?

Hi.

Your baby wasn’t his?

No.

I’m sorry.

Me too.

Ugh.

Hey, remember that time we had sex?

[both laughing]

Yeah, pops up every once in a while.

Well, you know, maybe, maybe we aren’t so strange.

We’re just two pairs of people accidentally having kids.

I wouldn’t say I’m part of a pair.

Yeah, me neither.

He’s gonna come through, though.

And you’re gonna be an amazing mom.

I just don’t know how many amazing moms start out not ready to be one.

Probably a lot.

You know, we can help each other out too, right?

Don’t you need a mom friend?

[Jenny chuckles]

We can read Mommy Reddit.

Talk about their sore nipples.

Oh my God, forget my nipples.

I think my vagina tore straight to my asshole.

Oh, God, second degree?

Yes, it’s just one hole.

[both laughing]

[gentle piano music]

Wow, she’s so beautiful.

Okay, that is a bachelorette pad.

It’s perfect for you.

It is, it’s perfect for us.

Do you need help moving?

Oh, no, no, taking Fiona’s already the best thing you could do.

Also, if you need a real man, I know that Connor isn’t fit for the job, I’m here.

You’ve probably seen my delts.

I did notice that, I would love that.

Thank you, Greg.

I kind of just wanted the compliment.

I didn’t actually wanna help, if I’m being honest.

These are not moving muscles.

These are gay muscles, they’re for show.

Come on.

Come on, Greg.

[Greg] I will help you get a task rabbit.

[gentle upbeat music]

[Fiona cooing]

[knocking]

Surprise.

What are you doing here?

I bumped into Jenny and Greg and they said the little sprout’s with you, thought they could have a play date.

I don’t know how much playing can be done, but I guess they could fidget near each other.

Isn’t that what you and Greg do?

Come in.

Wow, she is so cute.

How are you, how’s coparenting life?

Honestly, pretty good.

Half the time, it’s just my same normal life.

The other half, I get to hang out with this little nugget, so.

Hmm.

Not, not to say that it’s easy, obviously.

How’s it going for you?

I’m hanging in there. [laughs]

Yeah.

What’d you name her?

Fiona.

Nice.

Yeah.

Pretty.

It was Jenny’s idea.

She’s attached to it and I had limited political capital.

So, what’d you name yours?

Alice.

[babies cooing]

Thought that made you think of cans-of-tuna girl.

Makes me think of something different now.

I’ve been calling you, obviously, you know, and I’ve been calling you and I wanted to give you space.

I know.

It’s all out there, you know, no more secrets, no more surprises.

No one else standing in our way.

Just us needing to move past this.

Just you, not to point fingers, but I’m ready.

What?

I don’t know if I am.

I’m just scared to get hurt, you know?

I don’t wanna go through that again.

A heart that’s afraid to break is a heart that’s never used.

I think the Dalai Lama said that.

Okay.

Brilliant guy.

Right, okay.

So, you were, you heard, you were there. [laughs] You realize you’re making your point by admitting to more lying, right?

But I am making my point.

No, technically it was my point, originally.

So, I guess I have no choice but to accept.

My point is, I’m learning to take care of the things that I love.

[“Atmosphere”]

[calm upbeat music]

[babies cooing]

♪ People like you

find it easy ♪

♪ Naked to see ♪

♪ Walking on air ♪

♪ Hunting by the rivers ♪

♪ Through the streets,

every corner ♪

♪ Abandoned too soon ♪

♪ Set down with due care ♪

♪ Don’t walk away in silence ♪

♪ Don’t walk away ♪

[uplifting music]

[upbeat percussive music]

[Producer] 20, take one, mark.

Threesome.

Let’s act.

All right, let’s act.

[laughing]

[Director] And action!

[all laughing]

You’re overreacting.

I’m properly reacting.

This is how a normal person reacts.

Hey, look, um, uh…

You forgot your line?

Yep.

We famously already shared quite a bit together, so.

[both laughing]

[Connor] Jenny?

I need to talk

Oh, fuck.

[laughing]

That was probably the least successful abortion.

Are we shooting?

Yeah.

I had no idea, I’m so sorry.

Oh, that’s okay.

I’m so sorry.

To unconventional first toasts

No.

And their corny dates.

First dates.

How many pieces do you think that I could fit in my mouth?

[full mouth mumbling]

What do you mean, you’re out?

Good luck, kids.

This is one for the fucking storybooks.

[Connor sneezes]

♪ Bless your soul,

sweet Jonah ♪

[Producer] Bless you.

So, Jonah’s waiting downstairs, right, and

I’m Connor.

Fuck!

Want my services as a real man, I know that Jonah

[Jenny laughs]

Do you guys, do you guys like to dance…

I fucked up. [laughs]

Hey, hey.

[door closes]

What are you doing-No, that’s crazy.

Common mark.

Are you kidding me, you fucking

[laughs] Yeah.

Well, that’s spoken like someone who’s never felt the

[laughing]

I’m so sorry.

I hate your dumb, stupid, fat face.

And you’d be like-No, fuck me, sorry.

You accused him of being, uh, being, uh…

You’ve never looked so good.

Honestly, you look so nice.

[Producer] Mark.

Mm.

You worried the drive-thru worker will see me?

[laughs] I’m sorry.

What?

I’m sorry, can you cut?

Um, mmhmm.

I feel like there’s a lot of semen clouding your thought right now.

Is it the tapped keg thing?

I swear, just foam came out at one point.

Like it was, it was like that.

There’s only one thing I want more than to be a grandmother.

God fucking dammit!

There’s one thing I’m more excited for.

There’s only one thing I want more-God dammit!

You can’t give me shit for this, we broke up.

I’m so sorry.

What are you doing?

You looking for your mark?

Yeah.

I’ve actually never done this before, so will she

You kind of hold her, help her out a little bit.

Bit more up, right, like this?

$1,600?

That’s fine.

I have a tear.

That’s good.

Sorry.

Get back in there. There’s other scenes for that.

[baby crying]

Well, maybe Olivia Capita–

What’s my name?

Just…

[bay crying]

Oh, baby.

[all cheering]

[Milo screaming]

[Olivia screaming]

You’re not helping.

[Milo screaming]

[laughing]

I told you that was gonna happen.

What did you think was gonna happen?

You’d swallow it whole?

Let us consider the nature of love.

I think that every successful relationship finds joy in the care and the effort, as a collective.

Speaking of a collective, have you guys heard the story about how Connor and Olivia and his baby mama all got together?

[Both] Oh, no.

[laughing]