The Roses (2025)
Director: Jay Roach
Screenplay: Tony McNamara
Based on: The War of the Roses by Warren Adler
Stars: Olivia Colman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Kate McKinnon, Andy Samberg, Allison Janney, Sunita Mani, Ncuti Gatwa, Jamie Demetriou, Zoë Chao
Plot: One afternoon in London, an architect named Theo meets an aspiring chef named Ivy. Ivy tells Theo her dream of moving to America to start her own business. Inspired by her enthusiasm, Theo suggests he moves with her.
Ten years later, Theo and Ivy have relocated to Mendocino, California and are married with twin children, Hattie and Roy. They have different parenting styles as Ivy spoils the kids with desserts and fun activities while Theo prioritizes their health. Theo surprises Ivy, having sacrificed her business plans to raise their children, by giving her a piece of real estate where she can finally open her own restaurant.
One night, during a severe storm, Theo’s newly designed naval history museum is destroyed, just as Ivy’s new restaurant receives a ton of customers seeking shelter. They include a renowned food critic who writes a positive review, resulting in Ivy’s business growing rapidly. While she becomes the new breadwinner of the family, Theo loses his job and agrees to be a stay-at-home parent. Taking advantage of it, he puts the kids on a strict diet and imposes regular physical exercise. As a result, Ivy begins to feel shut out from her children’s lives, while Theo becomes jealous of Ivy’s success.
Feeling a rift in their relationship, the two make several attempts to reconcile, including a romantic trip to New York City and marriage counseling, but all fail. They begin to feel resentment for each other and blame the other for their problems. As a last attempt to save their marriage, Ivy uses the profits from franchising her restaurant to give Theo an opportunity to build their dream house.
Three years later, the house is complete, and the 13 year-old Hattie and Roy are prodigies accepted into a school in Miami on sports scholarships. Without the kids to distract them, Ivy and Theo’s frustrations turn into a feud. Ivy mocks and humiliates Theo in front of their friends during a housewarming party, discrediting his hard work. Theo, after saving a beached whale and experiencing an epiphany, realizes he is not in love with Ivy anymore and seeks a divorce. He asks only for the house, but Ivy wants to leave him with nothing.
Facing an impasse, they decide to make each other’s lives unbearable using cruel tactics, which results in Theo being blacklisted from architecture and Ivy’s restaurants being closed for health violations. Ivy has an allergic reaction after Theo tricks her into eating a raspberry dessert and will only cure her with an EpiPen if Ivy signs the papers. She only pretends to sign them, but he saves her nonetheless. Ivy then tries to shoot him with their home defense gun in response. They chase each other around the house, breaking Ivy’s beloved stove that belonged to Julia Child in the process. Overwhelmed, Theo admits he still loves Ivy despite everything that has happened between them. Ivy says she feels the same and puts down the gun.
As the two become intimate, a gas leak occurs due to the damage to Ivy’s stove. Unaware of the situation, Theo asks their smart home system to turn on the fire, and the screen cuts to white.
* * *
The Roses (2025) | Transcript
THERAPIST: Okay. So, today’s session, the ten things you love about each other.
Theo, you first.
Sure, um…
One. I would rather live with her than a wolf.
Did you say wolf?
Yeah.
Wow.
Well…
Uh, one. He has arms.
Well, I saw a documentary once about a man without arms, and it looked like a difficult life, particularly for the partner, so…
I like that he has arms.
Yeah, that’s fair.
Arms.
Two, the shape of her head is somewhat pleasing… at a distance.
Three, I have memories of her being witty.
Four, she smells pleasant… on occasion.
I actually struggled to write any more.
Uh, two. His breath smells like an anchovy that’s been on the piss all night.
Three, the way he laughs is like a diseased dog’s death rattle.
Four, uh, he’s a bad father.
A fucked lover.
A complete deadshit.
A victim. A loser. A wanker.
Number ten. “Theo, what a cunt.”
(SNORTS, LAUGHS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
That wasn’t the task.
Those are things you hate.
It’s not funny.
That is… That’s-That’s actually quite funny.
I see so much resentment and defensiveness.
(BOTH LAUGH) An inability to apologize… to share your vulnerability.
In his defense, he is a whiny baby, so that’s vulnerability.
(THEO LAUGHS) Verbal cruelty.
In England, we call that repartee.
Self-righteousness. Mockery.
An inability to admit wrongs.
I don’t think you have the capacity to fix your problems.
(CLOCK TICKING)
IVY: It’s terrifying how close we came to losing each other.
THEO: Lucky us.
IVY: Lucky us.
IVY: Always have been.
THEO: Mm.
IVY: Remember when we met?
THEO: Good day.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MAN: So, I think this is a moment of celebration for all of us.
I think we can be very proud of this building.
WOMAN: Congratulations, Darren.
MAN: Congratulations, Darren.
Cheers, everyone.
Dear God. He actually means it.
Theo, what did you say?
Sorry. I was, uh…
(CLEARS THROAT)
…just remembering how we got rid of the cascading garden balconies so that we are denying the humans who will be living in these 700 featureless boxes the chance to engage with fresh air, see a horizon, or maybe decisively embrace the moment that living in their apartments makes them want to jump.
So, really, people, when you think about it, we saved lives.
To us!
Right. I mean, the balcony thing is actually a good example, Theo.
I detect a note of bitterness about it.
But we all have to…
(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck.
…grind ourselves and our whims as architects down to the market’s needs…
(THEO EXHALES)
Sorry. Um…
I just need a moment so I don’t kill myself in front of my colleagues.
Interesting.
How would you do it?
Do you have a very large knife anywhere?
I do.
I need it to finish this though.
(CHUCKLES)
I’ll happily wait.
What is this?
Trout carpaccio.
Oh, wait.
Try it with some of this.
Mmm.
Jesus!
Well, don’t give Him credit.
It’s all me.
Dehydrated blackberry and anchovy.
I want to put it on there, but the chef won’t let me.
How can we live like this?
Me, no cascading garden balconies.
You, no dehydrated thingy.
(LAUGHS)
Personally, I’m moving to America next week to live free and become a chef.
Well, maybe I should join you.
We haven’t even had sex yet.
That’s minutes away though.
Very true.
Service!
Join me in the cool room. Um…
Um… Theo.
Ivy.
(GLASS SQUEAKS)
(HAPPY TOGETHER BY SUSANNA HOFFS AND RUFUS WAINWRIGHT PLAYS)
WOMAN: ♪ Imagine me and you ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I think about you
Day and night ♪
♪ It’s only right ♪
♪ To think about
The boy you love ♪
♪ And hold him tight ♪
WOMAN AND MAN: ♪ So happy together ♪
MAN: ♪ If I should call you up ♪
♪ Invest a dime♪
♪ And you say
You belong to me ♪
♪ And ease my mind ♪
♪ Imagine how
The world could be ♪
♪ So very fine ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ I can’t see me ♪
♪ Lovin’ nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ When you’re with me ♪
♪ Baby
The skies will be blue ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ Me and you
And you and me ♪
♪ No matter how
They toss the dice ♪
♪ It has to be ♪
♪ The only one for me is you ♪
♪ And you for me ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ I can’t see me ♪
♪ Lovin’ nobody but you ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ When you’re with me ♪
♪ Baby
The skies will be blue ♪
♪ For all my life ♪
♪ Me and you
And you and me ♪
♪ No matter how
They toss the dice ♪
♪ It has to be ♪
♪ The only one for me is you ♪
♪ And you for me ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ ♪
IVY: Who wants to eat the bus driver?
Me!
(LAUGHTER) ROY: So weird, the tall buses.
GIRL: And why are they red?
So you can see them, ’cause it’s so foggy.
Well, it’s not so foggy there anymore.
Not since Jack the Ripper died.
Look. Try Tower Bridge.
So this is licorice.
Add this dark chocolate, this raspberry, and this-don’t tell anyone-shrimp powder.
A fish?
Depth of flavor without the fishiness.
Close your eyes.
Gosh!
Gosh indeed!
Look, I know it’s a museum.
But it’s supposed to represent a sail on a ship, so it should feel like that.
You should expect pirates to come round the corner at any moment.
No. I’m joking.
Look, I want the sail.
The question you have to ask yourself is how do you want to live your life?
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
With courage or without?
HATTIE: Dad!
Thank you.
Then I’ll send you the numbers.
(EXHALES) Daddy!
We’re eating British icons.
(THEO GRUNTS) Caramel miso Buckingham Palace.
(GRUNTS)
Yes. Of course you are.
Look.
Big Ben shiso bourbon cookie.
Sounds good.
(SIGHS)
I feel dizzy, and my tongue’s fizzing.
THEO: Yeah.
Amazing. Of course.
But, don’t you think it might be a bit of a problem turning their blood 40proof sucrose?
Don’t sugar shame them.
But it is bad for their health long-term.
And they will get fat.
Buddha was fat.
And he was great.
He was great.
Ivy.
Look, they’ll learn to self manage.
If you restrict things, it leads to weird obsessions.
I feel sick.
See?
Ah. I do. I see a girl learning her limits.
(RETCHES) ROY: Whoa.
Lesson learned. Limit reached.
Parenting tick for Mummy.
ROY: Ugh.
Oh, dear. Oh, you’re fine.
Can’t you just admit you’re wrong?
On the day that I am, I can.
But not on the day I built your building, soon to be the eighth wonder of the world, here in Northern California, in raspberry shortcake!
(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)
Oh, my God.
(LAUGHS)
GIRL: How did you do that, Mom?
You know the way to my ego.
(IVY LAUGHS) My God.
Isn’t your mummy brilliant?
‘Course she is.
That’s a rhetorical question.
You are a genius.
Agreed.
I feel good to go again.
THEO: Stomach of Caligula.
You know the way to make your daddy proud.
Are we ready?
GIRL: Yes.
Wait for it.
Ooh.
(GRUNTING APPROVINGLY)
Oh, my God.
This is so good.
Okay. I’ve gotta have some.
Raspberries.
Wait, wait, wait. Raspberries.
Going in!
GIRL: Mom, you’re allergic.
THEO: Ready?
Mmhmm.
Oh, no.
(IVY MOANS) I am a genius.
That… is…
(GAGS SOFTLY)
(EXHALES) Mmm.
Divine.
Maniac.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
We’re going to the beach!
All right.
Don’t drown.
IVY: So what are we doing here?
THEO: Remember when we had the kids, and the patriarchy sent that note saying, “Squash your dreams and facilitate children and husband”?
Oh, yes. That note.
I remember that note.
Bit terse.
Quite soul destroying.
Agreed.
Well, look at this place.
It’s been closed for a year.
Maybe a little bit out of the way.
But I think it’s cool, and I’ve got that money from the design.
For the down payment on our dream house.
No.
My darling, most days you’re making seven iconic desserts for three people.
Look, the amazing chef that you are and have always wanted to be should not be a dream that dies on the crucifix of family life.
GIRL: What are you looking at?
IVY: I love all that though.
I mean, maybe for a couple of nights a week.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I think that’s a yes.
(EXHALES) Oh, and I know what we’re gonna call it.
You do?
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
(KING OF THE WORLD BY FIRST AID KID PLAYS)
♪ I keep running around ♪
♪ Trying to find the ground ♪
♪ But my head is
In the stars ♪
Hello, handsome fellas.
Wow. All right.
♪ Well, I’m nobody’s baby♪
♪ I’m everybody’s girl♪
♪ I’m the queen of nothing ♪
♪ I’m the king ♪
Nice!
Thank you!
♪ Of the world♪
♪ ♪
Sir. We don’t accept coupons.
Yeah, we do.
It’s for Bed Bath & Beyond.
We do.
Oh, Jeff.
We’re closing Wednesday night for Hattie’s soccer match.
Right. Of course we are.
Bye, Jeffrey!
Remember that you love me.
Mmhmm.
THEO: Busy lunch?
Untroubled by humanity.
THEO: Hmm.
Maybe it’s the name.
How about “We’ve Got Chlamydia”?
It’s catchy.
So, where are we meeting our wonderful American friends?
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(GUNSHOTS)
Barry.
There they are.
What’s up, buddy? I was worried.
You guys are late.
Sorry.
That’s how you lost the Revolutionary War, am I right?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Finally, we got you here.
Yeah.
Sure.
Check this out.
Let’s do this, motherfucker.
I’m actually not supposed to do that.
Come on.
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES) Okay. This is something I will never get used to here.
It’s fine. It’ll be fun.
(GUNSHOT) Oh, fuck!
Get you all checked in, huh?
(BULLET CASINGS JINGLE)
The eagles have landed.
Hi.
Oh, hey.
Hi!
Hi, Sally.
(GUN COCKS)
They’ve all got their own guns.
(GUNSHOT) Fuck, yeah, they have.
(CHUCKLING)
Hi, guys. How are you?
I-I need you to know.
I am antigun.
I am here ironically.
I am doing this as a statement against guns.
Do you want a Glock?
My father actually killed an intruder with this one.
Or I have a beautiful Smith & Wesson you could borrow.
Yes. I think I’ll take this black beauty that’s already killed someone.
Actually, I got you something.
You’ve been here ten years.
It was time.
(VOCALIZES ANGELICALLY)
I’m
Uh, wow.
(LAUGHING) Wow. Barry.
Yeah.
That is really sweet.
You didn’t tell me you were gonna do that.
Yeah, I did. A couple times.
Gotta stop mumbling, babe.
Anyways, we all loathe guns.
Everybody’s got ’em so what are you gonna do?
Gotta defend yourself.
(LAUGHS)
Right. Careful.
It’s got a hair trigger.
(IMITATES GUNFIRE RHYTHMICALLY)
(LAUGHTER)
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
Okay, a perfect takedown is groin, elbow, right eye, in that order.
Sit into it.
Yup.
(CHEERS ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
Look at that! Five shots.
All to the larynx.
It makes him so happy.
Yeah. That wasn’t the game.
I said groin first.
Oh, yeah. But I changed it to larynx and then won.
Come on, Theo and Ivy!
Whoo!
‘Kay.
Yeah.
Oh! This is my distance.
Yes, quickly!
He’s getting away!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I mean, I really cannot wait to see this building, Theo.
Sally. Thank you.
BARRY: It’s the talk of the town.
Can Theo Rose encapsulate our maritime history in steel, concrete, and wood?
You know what? I just might.
(ALL LAUGH)
You know that island is a historic site?
It’s been mentioned.
Don’t fuck it up.
Has that been mentioned?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLES)
Actually, yeah, a man did shout that at us in the street.
Yes.
I thought it looked crazy beautiful in the designs.
Aw, thank you, Amy.
What? I thought it looked a little half-assed and simplistic in its attempt to render California’s history in some fun form.
No offense.
Is anyone else getting that?
Rory.
None taken, due to the fact that you are so very, very wrong.
I feel that buildings should be fun and feel temporary and chaotic and alive and beautiful.
And remind us of all that humans can and should be at our very best.
Oh, my God.
Disagree with all of that.
But, um, good luck.
I’m excited for you, Theodore.
Jesus. Rory, what’s up with you?
THEO: It’s okay.
He’s our guest in my home.
What’s the deal?
I thought I could be honest.
Architect to architect.
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER) The guy’s a star!
Sorry. I kinda do this.
SALLY: Yeah.
We are excited for you, Theo.
You know, when we worked together, I was like, “This guy… is gonna do something special.”
How? How did you know?
Maybe after this, you will.
To Theo. Hear, hear.
SALLY: Yes. To Theo.
Thank you. Thank you.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Ooh.
This is weird.
Oh, I should-I should get this.
What?
(WHISPERING)
Let’s get out of here.
Uh…
Uh, okay.
Oh. Oh, God.
Um…
Jiminy Cricket.
That’s pretty
pretty serious.
No, we will. Yeah.
We
we’ve got to go.
Everything okay?
What?
Well, uh, a few years ago in England, um… we helped an escaped convict who was hiding out on the moors.
We gave him food, read him sonnets, and then he was gone. Poof.
But, apparently, he’s turned up at our home here, and he has a rucksack full of coke and a sword.
So… we’ll call you.
Oh…
Well, let us know if you need help with the coke.
IVY: Really? A rucksack full of coke and a sword?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Thank you for lying so badly for me.
For you, dear, anything.
I do believe that’s true.
It really is.
MALE ANNOUNCER: In the East Bay Maritime Museum, architect Theo Rose has created a new form, a groundbreaking design that celebrates those sailors who quested into the unknown.
THEO: And as they sailed from California into the open sea with courage and curiosity about what was possible… Well, I felt that the building had to do the same.
BARRY: There he is.
Theo!
Amazing building, buddy.
You are about to leave an indelible mark on the earth.
Oh, man. Thank you.
Yeah. Not everyone does, you know.
Most people just push paper and small talk, have dull sex.
Leave nary a dent. (LAUGHS) Makes you wonder. (SIGHS) What’s the point?
Are you okay?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah. I’m great. Great.
I heard that on a podcast or something.
Okay.
I was like, “Thank God that’s not me!”
(BOTH LAUGH)
(CERTAINTY BY BIG THIEF PLAYS)
♪ Name on the line
Last request ♪
♪ Pull the car over
To find some rest ♪
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
♪ Saying I love you ♪
(THUNDER CONTINUES)
REPORTER: Breaking news: A historic storm hits Northern California. Major freeways are shut down due to high winds and torrential rains across the region.
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, shit.
JEFFREY: Just a sec.
They closed the freeway, so they are funneling traffic down this road.
I mean, actual customers.
Shit.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
That’s her.
Pardon my French, but the way that the wind catches the sail is whimsical as fuck.
(WIND WHISTLING)
Yeah.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, it’s Ivy.
Hello.
People are here.
The San Francisco Chronicle food critic is here.
That’s amazing.
No. Neither is amazing.
People here is bad.
Her being here is badder.
Are you stoned?
Yeah.
(THEO LAUGHS) Is that bending?
Look. You can do this.
No, I disagree.
I think I might…
I might set a fire in the kitchen and let it break into the dining room, and then they’ll all leave.
It’s okay. I’ve got this.
I’ve got this.
My darling, no review can hurt a business that only does 30 covers a week.
That’s actually a good point.
THEO: Just cook like you do for me.
Aw.
Like I’m trying to make her fuck me.
Yeah!
Yeah, okay.
I love you.
Never leave me, but when you do, will you kill me on the way out?
Will do.
(WHISPERS) Okay, thank you. Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE BEEPS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
No.
(METALLIC CLANKING AND WHINING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, that shit is coming down.
It’s gonna be all right.
It’s gonna be okay.
It’s a sail.
It was built to move.
It’s not gonna fall.
I think it might.
It’s
It’s not gonna fall.
(CROWD YELLING) No, no. Stop filming, guys!
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS)
Cute place.
Eat that first and then that.
Squeeze that on that.
And that’s salt I made.
I came when I first tried it.
No promises for you.
Sexuality’s vast and idiosyncratic but… (CHUCKLES) Eat and go. Okay, bye.
THEO: It’s gonna be okay.
It’s not gonna fall.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Stop! Stop!
Don’t film my friend!
Don’t film!
Seriously. Don’t film!
(CROWD YELLING) Come on! Quit it!
(INDISTINCT EXCLAMATIONS)
(BOTH WHIMPERING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Oh!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Theo!
Theo?
All right, come on! Don’t film! It’s not gonna fall.
BARRY: All right? Stop!
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
THEO: Jesus Christ! Somebody! Please! Stop.
Come on, guys. It’s not funny.
(SHOUTS AND WHIMPERS)
Hi!
THEO: Fuck! No, no, no! Are you still watching that?
You’ve been up all night.
Help me! Don’t fucking film me!
Uh, Possibly.
BARRY: That shit is coming down.
You need to stop watching that.
I don’t understand it.
It should have held.
It was just a freak storm.
Cheap fucking steel, I bet, or… something?
I mean, I wanted it to have movement, just not fucking set sail.
I know.
Are you sure you’re all right?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I’ll be
I’ll be fine.
You know, water off a duck’s back.
Just a bump in the road.
Sorry. You wanted to tell me something.
I heard you yelling.
Nothing. Can’t recall.
(GASPS) Your review. How is it?
It’s not really worth reading.
Not while you’re going through this.
Ivy.
(THEO GASPS)
This is amazing.
It’s just a dumb review.
It’s the same thing as your thing, my darling.
It’s gonna be forgotten tomorrow.
Today’s news, tomorrow’s fish and chips.
(GROANING) Eh…
Is he all right?
I mean, what’s he say?
He doesn’t, really.
And it seems rude to ask.
You’re his wife.
And you don’t usually mind being rude.
He’s crushed and embarrassed, and I don’t wanna make it worse by making him talk about it.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
THEO (RHYTHMICALLY): It’s not gonna fall. It’s not gonna fall.
BARRY (RHYTHMICALLY): I think it might.
THEO (RHYTHMICALLY): It’s not gonna fall. It’s not gonna fall.
BARRY (RHYTHMICALLY): That shit is coming down.
(DOOR THUDS OPEN)
You said we could go have lunch at the shack.
Come on, Dad.
BARRY (RHYTHMICALLY): I think it might.
Okay. I’ll go get dressed.
My God.
(CAN’T DO MUCH BY WAXAHATCHEE PLAYS)
You need to come out here.
WOMAN: Oh, my gosh! Hi!
What do they want?
Food.
Your food.
(PATRONS CHATTERING)
♪ Nullify ♪
♪ I want you ♪
(EXHALES)
♪ ♪
You know what we should do?
We should have a little sing along.
Sure.
Let’s
Let’s sing, um, um, um, “Bananas”?
Yeah.
Definitely.
(THEO VOCALIZES)
♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪
♪ We have no bananas today♪
Oh, I know. How about opera?
(OPERATICALLY)
♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪
No. I’m so sorry.
Is that one nine?
(PHONES RINGING) The website crashed.
Reservation for when?
We’re booked out for two months.
No, I am so sorry.
We could open for more than three days a week.
(PHONES RINGING)
Right. Okay. Wow.
I am just seeing tips everywhere, like I am a stripper and a convention is in town.
Service, Jeffrey.
Coming!
(HIGHPITCHED)
♪ We have no bananas today ♪
(PHONE CHIME PLAYS)
♪ Hello ♪
DAVE: Hello, Theo.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, uh… uh, boss.
How you doing?
DAVE: Thank God no one was hurt. Are you okay?
Uh, no, I’m- I’m okay.
I’m, uh–
I’ll bounce back.
DAVE: Not with us, you won’t. I told you that dumbass sail on top of the building was dangerous. The engineers are blaming you. Someone’s gotta go down for this. Look, personally, I feel for you. I mean, some people would be suicidal.
Are you, Dad?
What? No!
What’s suicidal?
He’s gonna kill himself.
Because of the building?
DAVE: Oh, shit. Are you with your kids?
(EXHALES)
Look… (STAMMERS) Don’t listen to what he said, okay?
All right? I’m
I’m fine.
It is just a building.
I don’t even care.
Is that why it fell down?
Because you didn’t care?
No, I fucking gave my lifeblood to it.
It was everything to me.
(PANTING)
(CAR DINGING)
(EXHALES)
Fuck.
(PANTING)
(THEO GROANING)
Jesus. That fucking sail!
(SOBS)
Is he killing himself?
(THEO CRYING)
I can’t see.
(PANTING)
Kids.
(PHONES RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hi, Mom!
Hey!
Wow! Look at this place!
Why are you dirty and missing clumps of hair?
Am I? That’s strange.
Oh, I had the car window open.
Strong wind.
Got fired actually.
And he’s suicidal.
Would that make us orphans?
No, you’d still have me.
Fired?
Shoo.
Look, you’re very busy.
We’ll sit down and eat, and I’ll look for a new job.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m fine.
I mean, it’s like my grandma said, “Life’s cruel, nobody really wants you for who you are, and then you die in pain seeking solace that will never come.”
So… you know, maybe my expectations were too high.
Oh, God.
Do you sell negronis, and is there a limit on how many one can drink?
Go sit down. Go sit down.
(UTENSILS CLANKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) I’m winning.
Nu-huh.
Yeah-huh.
Told you.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Hi. Oh, guys.
Bravo!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay. Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you.
They love you.
Awkward.
No. I think it’s great.
Are you okay?
Are you really fired?
Yeah.
Oh, Theo. I’m so sorry.
Yes, well…
No point dwelling on that when you are a huge hit.
We should be dwelling on that.
You needed a rest anyway.
And I’m going to get one because no one’s going to hire me for a long time.
(INHALES)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Well, maybe I could open more often, ’cause the phones are going crazy.
I could do this and pay the bills for a bit.
Just a bit. And you could-you could look after the kids.
Oh…
I-I could build children instead of houses.
I love how free they are.
Yeah, well, enjoy it.
They’re gonna get arrested soon.
(TRICKLING)
And we just do it for a little while.
It’s not forever.
Maybe I’ve been resisting my genius for too long.
I’ve always said that.
Yeah.
No one can defeat us, Theo.
I’ve always said that, too.
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)
(ALARM CLOCK BUZZING)
(CLICKS AND STOPS)
(UPBEAT POP ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Good luck.
♪ ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ You’re too beautiful today ♪
Waiter. Waiter.
Chef.
Why don’t you do it?
I think you have to do it.
You’re in charge.
Yeah. They want to…
They want to hear from you.
Uh, hi. I’m Ivy, and you’re the staff.
Uh, so, I’m not a very hierarchical person.
So, you know.
Be good.
Okay. Dismissed. Brilliant.
I thought it was inspiring.
Like Obama was in the room.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Hello, children.
Daddy’s here.
I am facilitating people, and that is a service, and there is joy in service.
There is not joy in the heavy rock of expectation for myself.
The endless need to be at the narcissistic center of my own navel.
The me, me, me dot com of it all.
My building, my genius, my career, my self-worth.
I mean, what is this thirst for achievement and where has it got us?
It’s a blind giant dancing is what it is.
‘Cause a climate crisis, a dying raped earth, inequality, tract housing, endless fucking growth, and cupcake vending machines.
You want to be a part of that, you toxic fucking male, with your-your testosterone-filled ambition-laced poison cum, jizzing in the face of humanity?
No, no, I do not.
(PANTING) Is he okay?
I think it helps him.
I want to be part of the change.
(PANTING)
Come here, my darlings.
We are gonna be just fine.
No. More than fine.
Wind sprints. Go!
(WRITE A LIST OF THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO PLAYS)
Left turn, my little worms!
(PHONES RINGING)
I need lemons.
Can someone get me some lemons?
Do you have a reservation?
And there are still dishes on the pass.
And I am sweating into my eyeballs.
Jane!
(BOTH MOANING)
(CLATTERING) Oh!
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Sorry.
Obviously, I applaud your passion.
You should know it could lead to marriage and children.
There’s probably some hygiene bylaw about this.
Just touch nothing else but each other.
Okay. As you were.
Carry on. Well done.
♪ Sit beside me ♪
♪ Watch the world burn ♪
♪ We’ll never learn ♪
♪ We don’t deserve
Nice things♪
♪ And we’ll scream
Self-righteously ♪
Yass!
Mama had a good lunch.
134 covers.
You are a big fucking success.
I really am.
You are.
I’m gonna need bigger shorts.
More people, more money.
(CHUCKLES)
♪ With my head down ♪
♪ My head down ♪
♪ And I’m pushing away ♪
♪ Pushing away ♪
♪ Yeah, I’m pushing away
Pushing away ♪
(SIGHS) What a night.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yup.
Could you just hold the line, please?
Would you do a photo shoot for New York Magazine?
Nude?
I don’t think so.
I’ll do it anyway.
Now I need to go and collapse.
Go rest, Mama.
(SMOOCHES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(WATER TRICKLES)
(WHISPERS) Hey, guys!
Oh, I’ve missed you.
Hi. Look what I’ve got.
(GASPS)
Chocolate and blackberry meringue ice cream sandwiches!
(IMITATES CROWD CHEERING)
We can’t.
No way.
What?
We signed a contract with Dad.
It’s more commitment than a contract.
That’s true.
Right.
Let’s eat these while we discuss the ridiculousness of that.
(GASPS AND MOANS)
He said she’d do this.
We just politely decline.
We politely decline.
You made them sign a contract?
It’s more of a commitment.
They’re kids.
They should be having fun.
Well, working towards a goal is fun.
No. Ice cream sandwiches at midnight is fun.
Not when it’s the enemy of the goal.
You can’t beat them “into dank submission,” to quote Bukowski.
You’re reading Bukowski to them, by the way?
Well…
They don’t know what the fuck that means.
They should be reading Harry Potter or Dr. fucking Seuss.
You seem a touch overwrought.
I didn’t think I’d have to fight for the well being of my children.
I thought I could trust you to mold them in a kind and fucking nurturing way.
Uh… (CLEARS THROAT) Okay. Kids!
Hi. You really don’t have to keep doing this.
It’s okay, guys.
We signed a contract.
It’s more of a commitment.
Yeah, but you don’t have to.
But then what’s the point of making it?
What does that teach us?
I mean, that’s a fucking bad lesson.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Where’s the f-bomb coming from?
I just heard you rain ’em in on Dad and, honestly, it sounded fucking cool.
No, it fucking
No, it didn’t.
Okay. Back to bed, you two.
(CHUCKLES)
(MOUTH NOISE)
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
Nice, Ivy.
I’m going to bed.
Oh.
Suppose the whole sex thing’s off the table?
Yeah. Well intuited.
How about a three-hour circular argument that goes nowhere?
Funny.
Look, I’m sorry.
I should have told you.
We just have different ways with them.
I miss them.
Well, I could get them to run to the shack tomorrow.
They could do with a 12 mile hit out.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
They weirdly quite like it.
Okay. Sex.
But get me off first so then I can sleep.
Oh, you and your honeyed words.
(CLASS HISTORIAN BY BRONCHO PLAYS)
Feels good, right?
No!
No!
Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Come. Come on.
ROY: Are we almost there?
IVY: Yeah. Two kids. They’re heavenly creatures, really.
I occasionally think they might sprout wings and reveal themselves to be angels, and then fly back to heaven.
Is David Chang really coming?
MAN: I think so, yeah.
Wow.
Can you just tilt that towards me a little bit?
Great.
Oh, God. It’s like a plague.
Can you show me when you find some?
Mm.
How do they die?
Well, the conditioner stuns them, and then I take them off the comb and I break their backs.
That’s just awesome.
(CHUCKLES)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hello?
IVY: Hi! Guess where I am? Uh, outside ’cause it’s your turn to look after the kids and help them with their homework in half an hour?
Not even close. I’m on a jet to LA with David Chang.
We did the photo shoot, and he was like, “Fuck it! Let’s go to LA and have dinner with Nancy Silverton.”
Right. Amazing.
Isn’t it? And then–
Um, just some jamón and more champagne for me, please?
Then in the morning, we’re going to Malibu to catch fish and grill on the beach. It’ll be on my Instagram.
I’ll be sure to look out for it.
So, you’re coming home when?
Tomorrow?
Yeah. I know I should’ve rung and asked.
THEO: That would’ve been nice. And then I thought, ask what?
For permission?
Because we just want to be the couple who love each other and allow each other to grasp the chances life gives us.
Do we not?
Yes. Rhetorical and entrapment.
But yes, yes, yes, yes.
No, no, of course we do. Yeah.
Tell me, darling.
How was your day?
And how are the kids?
Uh, well, the neighbor’s dog shat in the laundry.
The kids have got nits.
And my left eye is twitching ’cause I’m so freakin’ tired, I’ve got a head cold, but you know–
Sorry, darling.
What did you say?
Oh, no. Nothing. Nothing.
You go have fun.
I love you and your big, generous heart.
Thank you.
Love you, kids! Call you at bed ti–
Why are you so cross at her?
‘Cause I’m a dick.
(CHILDREN GIGGLING)
Thanks, Leon. Bye.
You’re welcome.
THEO: Don’t be a dick.
Don’t be a dick.
Don’t be a dick.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Be happy for her.
(COOING)
Hey, my darling.
Hey, there.
Hello.
What a night. I had so much fun.
I can’t remember the last time I had fun.
Right, that’s awesome.
Fun. It’s awesome.
And just amazing people to talk to.
People who do stuff, you know?
Think stuff. Amazing stuff.
Just out in the world, doing stuff.
Really?
Was that a tone?
Uh…
No, it’s just washing that I spent an hour on.
I thought about shagging you all the way back from the airport.
Good. Indeed. Yes.
It’s just, um…
I’m–
I’m working my ass off.
Oh, really? You want to do that instead of do me?
‘Cause I also work hard.
And I appreciate it.
Do you?
Yes, I do.
Did you say, “I appreciate it” when I said I’ve been working my ass off?
No. So, the question becomes: Do you?
Yes, I appreciate it, darling.
Mm…
Seemed a little lackluster, like…
I don’t know, maybe you were forced into it.
I had fun, that’s all.
Do you begrudge me that?
Glad you had fun.
Fucking awesome.
(PACKAGE RATTLING)
I got you these.
You went to Bob’s.
Yeah.
An hour and a half out of my way through LA rush hour to get you Bob’s Donuts.
Oh, shit.
Thoughtless of me, I know.
What a bitch.
This is a massive fucking victory for you, isn’t it?
Oh, I fucking know it.
(LAUGHS AND GROANS)
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
It’s because I was jealous, and I was begrudging your fun, which is not cool, not sexy.
I know. It’s okay.
(EXHALES) Eat up, buttercup.
And then we’re gonna have some sugar-crusted sex.
(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
Is that mine?
No, it’s yours. It’s Jane.
She said, “Did you get the Bob’s Donuts?
That donut ice cream idea is brilliant.”
“Let’s test-kitchen it at ten a.m. Kiss, kiss.”
Yeah.
Well, no, ’cause they’re for you, but the first-the first idea was you, and then the second idea was the-was the ice cream idea, but–
For sure.
42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50.
(JEFFREY GASPS)
I like their bling.
They literally never take them off.
Why would you, when you’re state champions?
Revel in the glory, I say.
We are!
Though one day, the glory will end, however…
The work goes on!
(SCOFFS)
I gotta say, you guys don’t seem great.
Yeah. Very discordant energies here.
Right?
Yeah. Right.
That was intuitive, Barry.
Thanks, babe.
That was good.
So, how bad is it, Theo?
What?
It’s
Everything’s great.
You know, the shack’s a monster success, and the kids are killing it.
They won’t actually let themselves stop a workout until they’re dizzy and throwing up.
So that’s
that’s commitment.
Yeah.
And I’m actually-I’m really loving it.
BARRY: Yeah.
But you are still a failure.
Women don’t like that.
(LAUGHS) I sense trouble.
Same.
Yeah. Yeah.
If you need a shoulder… or an inner thigh to lean on.
BARRY: Yeah.
What?
Barr, I’m kidding.
Oh.
(LAUGHS)
(WHISPERS) I will fuck you.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Ivy and I are just fine.
Oh…
It’s intense, right?
How did they–
I don’t know.
How?
So, is everything okay?
What? Yeah, why?
Eh…
There just seems an undercurrent of discontent between you.
Oh, you could float a boat in that current.
What? Really? Well, I’m so busy, I haven’t noticed.
Ivy. You must cherish and nourish a relationship.
Don’t you blow random truck drivers in our car park?
And for that ten minutes… I cherish and I nourish them.
We’re fine.
Everybody seems to think–
We hate each other?
Well, “undercurrent of discontent” was the phrase, but yes. Crazy.
I suppose sometimes I do hate you.
IVY: (CHUCKLES) Funny.
No, seriously.
What?
Don’t you have that?
When your whole body is seized by dizzying waves of fucking hatred?
Jesus!
Really? Y-You don’t have that?
I thought we all did, married people.
And, you know, you just have to let it go.
And it’ll pass like a wave crashes somewhere on a beach in the Pacific.
I mean, put aside taking it personally.
Put aside the dizzying hatred you have for me?
Sporadic dizzying hatred.
You really don’t feel like that about me at all?
Well, I–
The other day I did think if Charles Manson invited me on a picnic and if you invited me on a picnic, I’d go with Charlie.
Charles Manson.
Yeah, Charles Manson on a good day.
What, a jamming with the Beach Boys day, as opposed to plotting a murderous rampage day?
Don’t take it personally.
(SIGHS) Manson.
Yeah, you’re right.
I think we both have it.
Right.
Do you think we should try and find out why we have it?
Well, no, not if it’s normal, no. No.
Right. Okay.
It’s work. It’s too much work.
And the kids.
I mean, I love them, but they are draining the marrow of my fucking soul.
And I
I still love us.
Oh, I hate everyone but us.
Me too. I miss you.
I miss you.
We should do something.
Is it run away?
(MUFFLED RUMBLING SWELLS)
No kids.
Mm.
No work.
No.
New York.
(SIGHS) Just you and me.
(MOANS)
I feel giddy at the thought of it.
Cheers.
I’m so tired.
(SLURPS) Mm!
Sleep.
No, I want to be with you.
(SUSTAINED WHISPER) Sleep.
(MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
I’ve got you.
Mm.
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
Theo.
Hi!
Oh, Sally.
Hello.
How are you?
I am really good, thank you, yes.
How
how are you?
Amazing.
I’m just designing this psychotic new campus for one of the tech firms in Silicon Valley.
Wow.
Yeah.
That’s
that’s great.
(GIGGLES) Yeah. You?
Freelancing.
That’s cool.
Oh, my God. That fucking video.
“It’s not going to fall.”
“It’s
It’s not going to fall.”
(LAUGHS) So-So-So funny.
So long ago, I’ve actually forgotten about it.
I think most people have.
No one has, man.
I mean, not in our business.
I–
Enough about you.
Check this out.
THEO: Ooh.
Do you wanna know the budget?
Sure. Sure.
I can’t tell you.
(PANTING)
Fuck.
(BANGING FLOOR AND DOOR)
Fuck!
(KNOCKING)
You all right in there?
Hello, there.
I’d like two Scotches, please.
Ooh, uh, I heard a noise.
Was there a noise?
Are we in danger?
No, I–
Oh, a relief.
So, two Scotches?
Should I wake her?
(WHISPERING)
In a thoughtful marriage, a good partner drinks the other’s drink while they sleep.
Ah.
I think she’ll have another.
As will I.
(JET ENGINE HUMMING)
ATTENDANT: Sir, please!
THEO: Give it… back!
ATTENDANT: No! Sir, I’m gonna ask you one more time.
Give
Give it back!
Sir, please!
She’s stolen my drawings.
What’s going on? Theo?
She stole my drawings and then threw them in the trash.
I was just doing my job.
Your job is not to make things disappear.
Jesus, Theo, how drunk are you?
Jesus yourself drunk, actually.
What?
Ahha!
You see? Told you.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Oh, thank God.
Have you got a Taser?
(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)
How’s the hangover?
Uh…
Distracting me from the humiliation.
Sorry about all that.
It’s fine.
Dinner’s not for a few hours.
(GRUNTS)
Ollie Dabbous saw my Instagram and has invited me to his popup and then dinner’s not till eight.
Oh, no.
I’d love it if you came.
You
you go, darling.
They’re so much fun, so it would be fun, not work.
I-I think-I think I’m gonna just, you know… catch up with a golf score that I don’t really care about.
(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY)
Look, go be fanned, have fun.
I’ll see you at dinner.
(COMMENTARY CONTINUES ON TV)
Okay. Back by dinner.
(SIGHS)
(BAD LOVE BY DEHD PLAYS) Ah…
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Oh…
(CHUCKLES)
♪ I got a heart full of
Re-re-redemption ♪
CHEF: Okay.
We won’t be kissing later today.
(LAUGHS)
♪ Run baby run ♪
♪ Run from the bad love ♪
That’s just too pretty.
♪ Come on, honey
Give me some ♪
Oh…
♪ Run from the bad love ♪
Oh, oh, oh. That’s amazing.
(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON TV)
(INHALES)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You built some lovely fucking buildings.
Good for you.
Boop!
(COMMENTARY CONTINUES ON TV)
(SIGHS)
(COMMENTARY CONTINUES)
COMMENTATOR: Not a whole lot going on here today.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER AND CHEERS)
Thank you!
♪ Yeah, now
Run, baby, run ♪
♪ Run from the bad love ♪
(DISTANT SIRENS)
(SLURRING) Thank you.
DRIVER: All right, lady.
(DOOR OPENS)
Theo!
Theony.
Theodorus. Theo.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey.
Life throws some hits.
People go down.
Some get up and some don’t, and that’s when you suddenly go, “Oh, shit. I got one of the ones that don’t get up.”
No, I do get up for our children.
In the middle of the night and in the morning–
Oh, don’t be a little bitch about it.
It was just a comment.
I’m gonna be sick.
(GROANS AND RETCHES)
(RETCHING AND COUGHING)
(SIGHS) Beautiful.
(GROANS AND SIGHS)
Anyway… I don’t wanna make a deal of it.
But I am fucking done having it running in the back of our lives.
You failed, so either get over it or get on top of it.
(SMACKS) Okay, will do.
Just gonna lie down here.
Yeah, you do that.
I’ll try to resist dropping something heavy on you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOOR SLAMS)
Fuck-headed idiot, Ivy.
Just go and apologize.
(SNIFFLES)
Drunken idiot.
Jesus.
(INHALES AND SIGHS)
(INHALES SLOWLY)
I mean, it’s a lot of pressure and slightly unrealistic to expect a person to perfectly articulate their thoughts in a measured way in a long marriage.
Is… Is that a “sorry”?
Yes, and also a philosophical musing.
I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk anymore.
Seems mature.
(SIGHS)
(WAVES RUMBLING)
Do these kids have any actual clothes?
(DISTANT BIRDS CHIRPING)
I love these.
Dream house.
Thank you.
Maybe we should switch back.
We always intended to.
You know, I-I’ll go back to work, and you can go back to what you always love doing, cooking for eleven people in an evening and smoking joints by the sea.
Can you get a job?
Whoa.
I mean that in a neutral information-seeking way.
Well, I’d have to start at the bottom again, I guess.
You know?
Can’t bear the thought of it, but I will, I must, because that is what I was meant to do.
By the way, I met someone in New York who wants to become an equity partner and open more restaurants like David Chang.
Uh… Yeah.
So, you-you don’t want to swap back.
As a feminist, I can’t.
And as someone who loves their job and is addicted to public adoration, I can’t. (LAUGHS) Right. So I need this, and you need that.
Mmhmm.
So someone has to sacrifice themselves on the altar of the marriage, but… who’s it gonna be?
Uh…
Unless–
Oh, my God, did you love that pregnant pause?
I wasn’t sure if you were gonna give in. Were you gonna give in?
I–
Well, no, best not to answer.
So, I’ve seen something which I think might help us.
Come on.
(BIRDS TWEETING)
Nearly there.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, stop there.
Okay.
Okay, look.
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
Wow.
I want you to build us the most amazing house ever.
Here? Now?
Uh…
What about my ego death and my shitty job?
And slowly working back and having my redemption?
What about showing the world you’re a genius?
And you that I’m not a failure.
You were born to build things.
(EXHALES)
Can we afford this?
If I do my expansion, we can.
Ivy, this is…
(MY FUN BY SUKI WATERHOUSE PLAYS)
Go on, say it I think I’ve earned it.
Wow!
♪ God, you’re so pretty
I fell to the floor ♪
♪ You helped me back up
And kissed my lips sore ♪
♪ Pack up your bags
And head out the door ♪
♪ Never felt
So damn turned on before ♪
♪ Everyone said
I’m too crazy to keep ♪
♪ But you’re the one
Who sweeps me off of my feet ♪
♪ Babe, you give me honey
That keeps me sweet ♪
♪ Lately I’ve been thinking
You’re the one for me ♪
♪ ‘Cause you love me ♪
And we should be able to see the sea all the time.
Of course.
♪ ‘Cause you love me ♪
♪ Like I love my fun ♪
One, two, three, four.
One, two…
THEO: Keep it going!
…three, four.
BOTH: Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Theo!
Oh!
Oh, wow.
I
Yes!
Oh, this is gonna be amazing.
(LAUGHTER)
It’s pretty beautiful, isn’t it?
Are you kidding me?
(SIGHS)
Ivy gave you your balls back.
It does feel like a second chance.
Yeah.
You know, when I was 29, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.
Oh.
Yeah.
It was awful.
I-I lost my mind.
I was acting out sexually, it was…
Babe, we’ve talked about this.
Chronic yeast infections are not an autoimmune disorder.
Well, it still stung, Barr.
The point is, Theo, this is it.
You’re gonna reset everything, nail it, and live happily ever after.
Just wanna make something worthy of Ivy, you know, so she knows that I wasn’t a massive fucking mistake.
Right.
That’s so sweet.
(GROANS) Let me give you a hug.
Come here.
(LAUGHS) You sweet thing.
Someone needs a hug.
Oh, thank you.
(MOANS) Uh…
Yes, this
Things seem to be deviating from hug territory.
We’re opening the marriage.
(MOANS) Hey!
That’s still under negotiation, knucklehead.
(MOANS) Babe?
(MOANS) Babe?
Babe.
I’m just at the house.
When do we open Chicago again?
JANE: You have a call with them at 4:00. Also, I’m sending you this week’s house bills, and if I may provide personal commentary… Fuck, man. You have to rein him in.
But I want him to have his shot.
I mean
(CELL PHONE DINGS AND VIBRATES)
Oh, fuck!
JANE: Exactly.
Twenty-eight grand for Irish moss, Theo?
Yeah, it’s for the west side roof.
Does America not have moss?
Well, the green of the Irish moss is something to behold.
Look, the green it takes to pay for the Irish moss is also something to behold.
We need it.
It is integral for the vision.
Do you understand that we do not have unlimited money?
(GASPS)
Did I show you the tree enclosed in a glass case off the kitchen idea?
(SCOFFS)
That’s mean.
Oh, my God.
Wanker!
Ivy, um… which of these three tiles do you-do you like the look of?
They’re to go behind the, um-the wood burner, so…
I love it.
But there are three of them.
Which “it”?
Yeah, I’ll send them now.
There are three “its”–
You didn’t even look at them.
(CELL PHONE DINGS) What?
And I’m trying to talk to you, and you’re picking up the ph–
Hi.
Yeah, I just told Flora, budget figures are in.
Oh, budget figures, yeah.
While you’re on budgetary figures…
Call you back.
…please will you add in that I bought us a table from a 15thcentury Spanish monastery?
It actually has a dagger embedded in it from the Spanish Inquisition.
It’s pricey, but I think it’s essential.
You’ll like the look of–
Ivy!
(BOTH GRUNT)
(THEO PANTING)
Just checking.
Jesus Christ, Ivy.
You are a fucking child sometimes.
Mom? Dad?
Do we have any milk?
Yes, darling.
Of course we have milk.
Yeah. Of course, darling. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
And a one, and a two, and a three, four.
IVY: Hello!
ROY: Mom?
I’m coming too.
Okay. Great.
Mom, we’re doing 2k interval wind sprints.
Oh.
Also, news.
I had my first period yesterday.
Oh, my darling.
Were you all right?
I was in a white bathing suit at a pool party.
It was mortifying.
People stared, I cried.
Aw. Why didn’t you call me?
I called Dad. He was the best.
(SMACKS) Aw.
Oh, the best.
How did you know what to do?
Oh, intuitive parenting.
He Googled it.
All right, you two. And, go!
(FOOTSTEPS GROWING DISTANT)
Can’t believe that about her period.
Yeah, it was intense.
She was a wreck, poor thing.
Oh. Wish I’d been there.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
But you never are, are you?
Shut your stupid, stupid mouth.
HATTIE: Dad!
ROY: You coming?
Yup.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Hey, Mom.
Hello, darling.
You look beautiful.
Glowing.
Sweat.
What were you doing?
Freeclimbing fences to build my lat muscles and general focus.
Cool.
You avoiding Dad?
No, of course not.
I’m just having a little moment.
You two need help.
(SCOFFS) Ridiculous.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hattie, it’s time for your protein blast.
Don’t tell him I’m-Don’t tell him I’m here.
Mom’s down here.
Traitor.
Sorry.
I still love you, though.
Love you, too.
Do you ever feel like we’re trapped in something?
That we’ve created this overly complicated, endlessly whirring machine that we can’t get out of?
What if we just dropped it all, got a van, and drove around South America?
Yeah, well, you’d have a hard time convincing them.
They’re aiming for those scholarships in Miami.
But that’s what I mean.
They’re 13, and suddenly they want to leave home.
They were six last time I looked.
Look, you’re just tired.
We’re in the hard bit.
Well, good, ’cause if this is the easy bit, smother me with a pillow.
Will do.
Said a little too quickly for my liking.
IVY: …complete deadshit. A victim. A loser. A wanker.
Number ten. “Theo. What a cunt.”
(SNORTS AND LAUGHS)
THERAPIST: That wasn’t the task.
(WHEEZING LAUGHTER) I see so much resentment, self-righteousness, mockery, an inability to admit wrongs.
I don’t think you have the capacity to fix your problems.
Are you actually allowed to say that?
That seems unprofessional.
Yes. Like malpractice.
What? No, uh
Uh…
We’ll be expecting a hefty discount.
Mmhm.
Time’s up.
Oh. Really?
Uh, well, that was-that was fun while it lasted.
That was so much fun.
I do still expect my parking to be validated.
(IVY LAUGHS)
Wow. Outrageous.
Absolute fraud.
Your list was best, by the way.
Thank you, darling.
Yours was second-best.
We could be nicer.
I could be.
Me too.
Let’s try.
Dad! We got in!
Miami! We both got in!
We got our scholarships!
Yes!
My little genii. Yes. Yes!
Let’s have some pancakes to celebrate. We did it.
BOTH: The work goes on.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)
IVY: Miss you already.
Bring it in, champ.
Bye.
Bye, darling.
Love you.
We’ll call you guys when we get there.
Yes, please do.
Okay.
Yes, please.
Now, don’t forget to do that stretching regime I told you after you get off the plane, please?
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Love you. Love you.
Bye.
I love you.
Love you.
Bye.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Well, thank God they’ve gone.
(CHUCKLES)
Theo, I’m joking.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
Oh, it’s Hattie. Yes?
HATTIE: I forgot, can you, um, walk me through the nutrition thing again?
Yes. Yes, nutrition, yes, of course.
Um, well, you know, it’s a little bit like being a rabbit at a Las Vegas buffet.
You want to be hitting the salad bar first, yes? Correct?
Yes and then–
So, think like a rabbit, eat lots of vegetables, and then…
So, you gotta be very careful about your blood sugar spikes.
So, you can have your protein and then you can have your carbs like a cross-country trucker.
Yeah, Jane, let’s open another restaurant.
(LOVE HURTS BY SUSANNA HOFFS AND ERIC JOHNSON PLAYS)
♪ ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Love scars ♪
Light the fire, please, Hal.
And turn up the music five percent.
♪ Any heart ♪
♪ Not tough ♪
Oh, that looks great.
You want champagne?
No, thank you, I’ve been making out with my negroni.
Think I’ll stick to that.
HAL: Car approaches. Silver Audi. Two guests.
Still freaky how he does that.
Thanks, Hal.
Hal, do you want a negroni?
HAL: I don’t have wants or needs.
Marry me.
Funny.
(AIULADO BY BABA SISSOKO PLAYS)
(ALL WOWING)
I mean, wow.
The green moss on the roof, the blue thrust of the house meeting the raw ocean.
I mean, I love how the living area provides this kind of gravitational center of the ensemble.
You guys are saying words, but you know they don’t mean anything, right?
You got a shot at your vision, Theo, and you nailed it.
I never thought watching a white man reclaim his power could be so moving.
(AIULADO CONTINUES, MUFFLED)
(MANDOLINE CLACKING)
How are you?
(CHUCKLES)
So great.
The house is just-It’s-It’s so beautiful.
He’s a fucking genius.
Oh!
Why is this stove old and kinda crappy?
It’s not.
It’s Julia Child’s original stove from France.
I bought it at auction.
AMY: Stop it.
I know.
(STOVETOP CLICKING)
It’s a fragile beauty.
Wow. That is incredible.
Julia Child.
Yeah.
She’s dead, right?
Mmm.
And what, was kind of mean?
No. You should probably go and join the others, ’cause I’m shaving fennel, and it takes a high degree of concentration not to just shred my wrists into the salad.
Mm.
Oh.
Don’t you ever just wanna let go?
Well, that’s why the English invented repressing one’s feelings.
You’re so dry.
Only when my husband looks at me.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) There you go again.
Oh, yeah.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
(BLOWS AIR)
Oh.
(WHOOSHES SEDUCTIVELY)
Love you, baby girl.
This would be a cool place to suicide from.
So pretty.
RORY: I’m going back inside.
I wanna see how the wall asserts itself with such clarity into the space.
SALLY: I wanna see that too.
Well, my friend, you have made what I like to call a very adequate house.
I am flattered.
Sorry to gush.
The fact that you’ll now be sad every time you walk into your own home is enough for me. (CHUCKLES) Oh…
That was the case long before you built this.
Speaking of, how’s married life?
Uh, it’s
Um, it’s fine.
Wow, that bad, huh?
I was hoping the house would be healing in its quietly adequate way.
Yeah.
How old is that fucking stove, Theo?
Just ignore the fucking stove.
Seems a little passive aggressive, no?
All this beauty, she gets that bitch Julia Child’s stove in there?
No, sometimes a stove is just a stove.
The stove sounds bad, The.
It-it’s fine.
Hey, baby, can you get me a negroni?
You already have a negroni.
That’s why God gave me two hands.
I thought it was so you could give me a hand job while enjoying a negroni.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Obviously, I’m joking.
She’s sickened by the sight of my naked body.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Fucking adore you.
Barr. (LAUGHS) Oh.
These people.
Wait…
Okay, please say it again.
(CLEARS THROAT) Every morning, he’d order a tumbler of whiskey and four kippers and be beastly to the staff.
Oh, my God, I love it.
Is kipper a kind of sex act?
If you’re a Tory MP, absolutely.
But I don’t know what that means.
Who cares, Sal?
It just sounds so good. (LAUGHS) All this time, I’m still falling for that little accent.
It does something to my…
Cunt?
Sorry, were you not gonna say cunt?
My mistake. Anyway, uh…
Dinner! Let’s eat.
Another negroni?
No, thanks, darling.
I’ve got one.
Was my point.
Too subtle for someone who’s had four negronis.
(SIGHS)
RORY: Can I point out the gorgeous wooden elephant in the room?
(SCOFFS) I love this table.
I mean, come on.
Ah. Yes. 15th century from a Spanish monastery.
Apparently, that dagger was used in the Spanish Inquisition.
BARRY: How cool is that?
This was likely covered in a tortured heretic’s blood?
(INHALES) Do you just wake up beaming, Ivy?
I really do.
We are very lucky.
So much to be grateful for.
Here’s to this amazing house and to you, my darling.
No, to you.
No, to you.
No. To you.
Ah.
You guys are so cute.
Like a sack of kittens.
Near a rushing river.
(SALLY CHUCKLES) I don’t get that.
Thank you, Ivy, for making all of this possible.
He sounds sarcastic, but he does actually mean it.
Yeah, it’s just the accent.
The accent is confusing.
Sometimes Ivy’s mad at me, and I can’t even tell.
(SCATTERED CHUCKLES)
Sometimes he’s got his cock in me, and I can’t even tell.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGH)
All right, now the dinner is getting fun.
So, Ives, you want me to, what, do a shot of this with the scallop?
Yeah, it’s, um, Japanese vodka infused with tarragon, so adds a bit of bitterness.
Ivy likes to leave a little bit of herself in everything she does.
I love this fun banter you guys do.
We should try it, Sally, come on.
SALLY: (CHUCKLES DRYLY) Okay.
Why don’t you try not fucking me in the ass while you choke me sometimes, shit-bird?
(LIGHT CHUCKLE)
SALLY: Your turn.
Whore. (SCOFFS) Mmm!
That kinda thing?
(LAUGHS)
That is so cool.
(SCATTERED CHUCKLES) Is that what you guys are doing, right?
I’m not the expert. Ivy?
See, this is why I don’t have friends.
You know, you gotta get Architectural Digest up here, right?
Thank you, Sally, I’m just-I’m not so sure I’m into public approbation.
(SNORTS)
Anymore.
(COUGHS)
Sure.
The kids have been gone for a while now, huh?
How
How has that been?
Hard? Brutal? Liberating?
Your kids are college-age already?
THEO: Oh, no, no, no.
They just happen to be very gifted physically, and they won these scholarships to this school in Miami for high performance athletes.
At 13.
AMY: Wow.
RORY: Amazing.
Yeah. It’s their dream.
Is it?
(SIGHS)
I think I know how you feel, because when we hired that surrogate, and she got pregnant, and then she ate sushi from an airport, and we had to let her go.
Here we go.
It was very dark.
I got shingles.
I got monkey pox.
Oh, the grief I felt. (SCOFFS) Yeah
I-It’s still pretty raw for me.
I hear you, baby girl.
So is that nine restaurants you guys have now?
We are an empire.
JANE: And she won the James Beard Award…
JEFFREY: Yass.
…which is like a food Oscar.
It’s all true.
RORY: I’m aware of the Beard.
We’ve been lucky.
We found a niche in the market.
Upscale, but not intimidating.
So, it sort of hits a range of demographics.
We want to move into the South.
Like Sherman’s march with lobster bibs.
Sorry, darling, was the attention off you for a minute?
Did you start to wilt?
THEO: I think the guests are wilting, my darling, due to the droning nature of your caustic narcissism.
(LAUGHS) They’re doing it again, and I love it.
Hey, fuck-stick bitch, fill my glass the way you can’t fill my pussy with your tiny dick.
Whoa.
All right, that doesn’t seem like banter.
That just seems mean to me.
Cry like a baby like you did when our dog died, dickhead.
What the fuck?
I am an empath, and I’m having a hard time at this table.
(WAVES CRASHING IN DISTANCE)
Can you not?
Amy’s allergic to weed.
I’m allergic to Amy, literally.
Rash on my finger.
Funny.
Can we just be nice, please?
You’re drunk, and you’re being a… if I had to define it in one word, a bit of a bitch.
Of course, darling.
We’ve done something amazing here.
Let’s celebrate it.
AMY: Any dessert?
IVY: Hal, play Napalm Death.
(HEAVY METAL BLASTING)
BARRY: Ivy, it’s a little loud.
(COUGHS) (MUSIC CONTINUES)
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
Wow.
(MUSIC CONTINUES BLASTING)
It’s the house.
SALLY: Oh my God.
RORY: What’s going on?
For you. For you. For you.
(SALLY SHRIEKING) Baby girl, double helping.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(BARRY GASPS)
(SIGHS)
I’m gonna leave some long pauses in the conversation, for you to insert an apology.
For what, darling?
You embarrassed yourself.
Sorry you feel that way.
I did it for you, darling.
You were an appalling, needy bore, and I created a diversion lest they should think ill of you.
I shall insert some pauses for you to thank me.
You just can’t say sorry, can you?
Well, I did. I said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
That’s not sorry.
Well, the sentence literally contains the word, “sorry.”
You can’t say sorry with feeling, with acknowledgment for pain caused or damage done.
Jesus, I’m not fucking Ian McKellen.
(IN DEEP VOICE) I’m so sorry.
My deepest regrets, sir.
Yeah, well, I’m touched.
Did you try the cake?
Jesus, Theo, it’s no big deal.
I got drunk at dinner.
You stole my fucking children from me, and now they’re gone.
You expect me to be happy about it?
I did not steal our children.
But I did bring them up.
You taught them how to be sweaty robots.
They can only talk about reps or sodium levels or some shit, and now they’ve gone.
Yeah, well, you should’ve thought about that when you were off to work building your fucking empire, i.e. a shrine to yourself.
I did that to pay for this, your shrine to yourself.
It was meant to be ours, but became yours.
That is bullshit because I was prepared to work my way up again, but you bribed me with this house to serve the Ivy show.
And you can’t even see what I did for the children.
The doctor’s appointments, the dentist’s appointments, the dermatologist.
Who went to the dermatologist?
Fuck! Seriously?
Yeah, no, II remember the thing.
The thing. What thing?
Whose thing?
The thing. The thing that was skin-related that…
Whose? Who had it, Ivy?
I mean, there’s just two of them.
You’ve got a 5050 chance.
Roy!
THEO: (IMITATES BUZZER) I’m afraid you’re out of the game, madam.
Hattie, cracked and bleeding eczema on her toes.
Yes, I–
THEO: What is happening?
Have you lost your footing on the cliff of resentment as you realize there is no factual basis to it?
I would have loved to have been the one that did that, is my point.
(EXHALES)
You know why I can’t say sorry?
Enlighten me.
IVY: Because you need it too much.
You need sorry, and praise, and attention, and blowjobs, and Italian furniture, and Irish fucking moss on the fucking roof!
You are a bottomless pit of need!
(EXHALES)
Yeah, well, you’re right.
I am?
Yeah.
What do you mean, I’m right?
I do need connection and an exchange of intimacy and the flawed nature of who I am validated as I journey through this life hoping that one person might see me, love me, and hold me.
(EXHALES)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, I see.
You’re the wise philosopher, and I’m the bitch.
Exactly. And I’m out.
The victor.
Theo, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sad, it just hollows me out.
I feel like I’ve missed half their lives.
And I don’t know what to do without them.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
I just-I think I just want you to give me a hug or something pathetic like that.
Morning.
Think I might just go for a run.
(CLATTERS)
(PANTING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PANTING)
Shit.
You
You’re in the wrong place, buddy.
(PANTING)
Are you dead?
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
Wait there.
Stop. Will you stop, please?
Please, please, stop, stop, stop.
Stop!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Good run?
Yeah.
Yeah, fine.
(SMACKS)
Just gonna shower.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
IVY: Hey, Jane.
He did what?
(BIRDS CALLING)
You saved a whale?
I wasn’t alone.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You’re angry because you hate whales?
You didn’t tell me.
No.
Why not?
You looked busy.
Oh, don’t play that card.
I asked you how was your run, and you said, “Fine,” not, “Fine, I saved a whale.”
I–
Just tell me why you didn’t tell me.
Didn’t want you to ruin it.
How would I ruin it?
Because you don’t take anything seriously, and it was serious.
And actually quite spiritual.
Try me.
I can be deeply spiritual.
I masturbate to Deepak Chopra meditations.
Think you proved my point.
Oh, please.
I know I can be a bit of an arse, but give me a chance.
(SIGHS)
Well… (SIGHS) I had my hands on this beautiful creature, and it was like we were communicating.
As I was standing in the water with the whale, surrounded by these people, and… It just felt like everything was one.
Us, the whale, the sea.
And something happened… deep in our core.
And it was beautiful.
And then I was still standing there, waist-deep in the water, watching him swim away.
(LIGHT CHEERING)
(WHALE SPOUTS)
And… I started crying, just because it was…
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
I just… was happy.
You cried? That’s beautiful.
And then this question rose up inside me. (CRIES) What was it? This is amazing.
This is so you.
It’s like the old you.
It was, “You only have one life.
So why the fuck are you with Ivy?”
Jesus.
I don’t mean to be mean.
I’ve been trying to push it away, ’cause I don’t wanna ask the question, but I know the answer.
I have to go.
To somewhere where you’re not talking.
We’re done, Ivy.
I fucking say when we’re done!
Fuck you and your suicidal attention-seeking whale friend!
I’m being serious. We are done.
Look at us.
Fine. We’re done. But we’re done because I decided it!
Not you.
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS)
(EXHALES)
You are-You are a good lawyer, right?
Yeah. I mean, mostly real estate, but divorce is mostly about real estate.
What, so you-you’ve never done this?
Not exactly, but they’re pretty much all the same. Relax.
(BOTH SIGH)
It’s a sad day, man.
Yeah.
How do you and Amy make it work?
I don’t know. Inertia.
What? I thought you guys were good.
No, we are. We’re good.
It’s like, when we were young, it was like I knew what she was gonna say before she even said it.
Uh-huh.
And now, sometimes I don’t know what she said even after she says it.
Right.
But, you know, I love her.
So, there’s that.
(LAUGHS)
All right. Let’s win this thing.
Yes.
(ELEVATOR DINGING)
Don’t talk.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Bruno, sit.
Sorry, what is happening?
Eleanor, you cannot bring in the dog.
It’s my emotional support animal.
It’s a dangerous dog.
(BARKS) Only when it feels I’m threatened.
It’s a bullshit tactic, and you know it.
Isn’t this a bit of a weird cliché?
You know, the ferocious divorce lawyer thing.
Yeah, but just…
Ivy, is this him?
Yeah, this is him.
My name’s Theo.
Well, this is a personal aside, but the fact she ever let you fuck her should be enough for her to claim every dollar.
Wow.
Jesus.
Okay, let me lay it out before this putz bores me to death.
She has been living and supporting this bottom-feeding piece of shit, carrying his endless fucking failures and needy, “Mummy help me” anguish for 15 years.
So just agree you’ll fuck off now, we’ll never see you again, and she’ll throw you a hundred grand.
BARRY: Okay. Uh…
My thoughts, how about we take 25% of the restaurants and the house, and we’ll be good?
Okay, look, I just want the house.
Don’t talk.
You’re not having the house.
Don’t talk. Okay, well that seems like in our ballpark, so let’s–
Okay, wait, my client designed and built that award-winning fucking house, that your sociopathic whore hole of a client now claims as hers.
Barry!
Barry! Whore hole?
What? I thought the lawyers were being mean.
Isn’t that
No?
It’s part of the theater.
Please don’t talk, it’s very undermining.
Let’s be a little bit more British about this.
Polite, courteous, rational.
Yeah, ’cause it’s not like it’s in our blood to pillage, murder, and enslave other cultures to get what we want.
Don’t talk.
Don’t talk.
Okay, we want everything.
The end.
That’s not negotiating.
No, it’s winning.
Hundred grand, and he walks out of here with his face still attached.
Right, Bruno?
(BARKS)
(WHISPERS) You can’t have the house, Ivy.
I designed it. I built it.
It’s all I want. You can have everything. Everything else.
I take the house. We walk out of here, firm handshake, and get on with our lives.
We’ll take it.
No.
No?
You want the divorce, I want the house.
(SIGHS)
We are winning here.
You get the company, buy a new house.
No.
I can hear what they’re saying.
Okay, we get the house, too.
The end.
No! No deal.
(BARKS)
Bruno, sit and shut up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, what? We’re nowhere.
Looks like it.
Barry, are you and Amy going to the Harvest Moon Festival?
Oh, yeah, Amy loves it.
I do, too.
It’s a little bit too much tribal drumming for me ’cause I have tinnitus, but we’ll be there.
Good.
Sorry, can we please focus on us?
Oh.
All right. Fine. Yes.
But I’m speaking as your friend now.
Maybe rethink this, guys.
I mean…
I know a lot has gone down, but you’re great.
And you’re great together.
I mean, sure, some days it feels horrible, and you want to skin each other alive, but some days it doesn’t, right?
It’s nice to have someone.
And my advice would be… try to focus on those days, nod when you wanna shake your head, and just say, “What the fuck?”
And always think of other people when you have sex.
That’s standard.
(WHISPERS) You can make it.
Well, that was just lovely, Barry.
We’re still getting the fucking house.
Let’s go, Ivy.
She’s really good… at law.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I will pick you apart until you beg me to take this house.
Well, I can endure a lot of misery. That’s proven.
You have no idea how nice I’ve been to you, mister.
I’m getting the house, Ivy.
I designed it, and I built it.
And I paid for it.
(EXHALES)
(EXHALES)
What are you burning?
Your cookbooks.
Ooh, this is a 1907 first edition of Escoffier, French wanker cookbook.
This one I’ve covered in brandy, so I think the correct term is, “flambé.” (GASPS)
(PHONE RING TONE ON SPEAKER)
HAL: Incoming call from Hattie and Roy.
Have you told them?
I didn’t have the heart.
Me neither.
Answer.
(SPEAKER DINGS)
ROY: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hi!
Hey. We hear you’re getting divorced.
How?
Barry’s Instagram. We’re so happy for you.
You…
What?
We’ve dreamed about this.
HATTIE: We just want to say we admire your courage to release each other from the nightmarish death spiral that you’ve been in for the past decade. Ah. Gotta run. Literally. 32k. Love you! Bye! Talk to you.
(DING)
THEO: What is that?
Oh. I’m burning your green moss.
Lovely color smoke.
You wouldn’t get that from American moss.
Mm. (SCREAMS) Hey, Hal. Play polka at full volume on loop in room 14.
No Ivy override.
(WHO STOLE THE KEESHKA? BY FRANKIE YANKOVIC PLAYS)
(SCREAMS)
Hal! Turn it off!
Lock door of room 14.
Hal! Turn it off!
For five hours.
Theo!
You asshole! Theo!
Turn volume down, Hal.
IVY: Oh, my God!
Ivy, here’s an agreement giving me the house.
Please sign it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Full volume please, Hal.
Sorry, darling. Can’t hear you.
I’m going to do a shit on your pillow!
Fuck you!
Amy?
Hi. You okay?
Um…
Barry was worried you guys were trying to destroy each other.
(SIGHS) Only if necessary.
I’m hoping she’ll see reason when her ears start bleeding.
(POLKA CONTINUES, MUFFLED)
Gotta check your energy.
Excuse me.
Mmhmm.
Sorry.
Oh. That’s very dark, Theo.
Very dark.
I need it, Amy.
I am getting the house.
But what’s a house compared to the house that is our bodies?
Maybe you gotta drive to Mexico with a friend.
And we take peyote.
We drink tequila.
And we rub and we rub.
And then we get taco after taco after taco.
Muy caliente.
Okay. Thank you for the kind offer, if confused metaphor, but I am not leaving my house.
(SNIFFS)
Would you really just up and leave Barry?
Leave Barry? What? (LAUGHS) No, no, no.
I’m looking for one night of strange, okay?
So that I can forget that I’m 40whatever and my face is melting off.
And my organs are probably brewing up a Stage 4 somethin’ as we speak.
But, I know who I want driving me to chemo and that’s my big, dumb, stupid husband, Barry.
(POLKA CONTINUES)
Anyway, call me when you get rational.
(INHALES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
♪ Who stole the keeshka?
Who stole the keeshka? ♪
♪ Who stole the keeshka?
Won’t you bring it back? ♪
(SIGHS)
THEO, IMITATING IVY: Hal, it’s Ivy.
Yes, Ivy.
(IMITATING IVY) Can you open my calendar, please?
JANE: Oh, fuck. A
ll our fish orders are cancelled for the entire chain across the country?
My diary’s blank.
JANE: For today?
IVY: Every day.
Um, why have we ordered 2 tons of Cheez Whiz and 4 tons of marshmallow?
Fucker.
JEFFREY: It’s exciting.
Whatever it is.
You mad genius.
Ow!
Oh, good. You’re awake.
Look I’ve been teaching myself AI.
It’s you.
Let me tell you a funny, funny secret. Shh. I deliberately fucked the building up. (CHUCKLES) Yep. I engineered it to come apart, like fucking Lego. People have to learn nothing’s solid. Apart from this rock.
(BURNING)
Is-Is that a crack pipe?
(SIGHS) It’s called deepfake.
Isn’t it fun?
Also, the end of Western civilization.
Ivy, what are you doing with…
Is that myYour phone? Yeah, well feared.
I’m going to send this to all of your clients captioned, “Smoke the truth, bitches.”
Unless you sign the house over to me now.
Funny. You–
Ooh!
Too slow! (CHUCKLES)
(MAIL WHOOSHES)
Oh, fuck.
You look cute when beaten.
Hey, how you doing?
Eat more food.
Hi. Thank you so much.
So nice to see you.
(CELL PHONE DINGS)
Hi, Ivy. Every winter, I get this wart between my toes. It’s fucking brilliant when grated into your ragu. Add in the simple mushroom. Shroomyshroomshroomshrooms! Sign the fucking papers, Ivy, or it will never end.
Jesus, no!
THEO: And the mole. Well, it’s brown.
Mole is go.
No! No go. Mole is no go.
What are you doing?
Who’s had the mushrooms?
Everybody.
(SLOW MOTION GROANING)
No, no! Absolutely not.
Don’t eat it.
No, don’t. Give me those!
No, sorry.
(SHRIEKS) Don’t eat that!
No, no, no, no.
Put your clothes back on!
(SLOWED DOWN)
Stop being gross!
Don’t fucking eat it!
Not working?
Restaurant closed by health order, so night off.
Shame.
You?
Got fired by all my clients.
Sweet.
That looks great.
Stinging nettle risotto just like the one we had in that little place in Italy.
Here.
Mm. Stunning.
That?
Black forest from Dennings.
Yes, you may.
Let me design you an amazing house many, many thousands of miles from here, and then you give me the deed for this house.
We can even have nostalgic onetime goodbye sex.
Then admit we had a good run and then went into a ditch, which disfigured us and killed our love.
But that now, we’re going into a new phase.
A happier life.
What’s in that? Is this, um…
Raspberries?
Yes. I laced them in.
But the taste of cherries masks it well, but then again, you do have a famously brilliant palate.
Oh, shit. You’re allergic, aren’t you?
Oh, don’t panic.
It’s all in hand, my darling.
Here is the epinephrine that’s the solution to your problem.
What are you…
And here is a fresh new contract, signing the house over to me.
You prick. I can’t believe…
We really do need to be apart.
This is unbearable.
It’s simple.
Sign that. I stab you with this.
We move on with our lives.
Never.
I really do think it is the best solution for us.
If you die, I inherit the house anyway.
So, either way, it’s a elegant winwin situation for me.
(SIGHS) Ivy. Christ.
Just sign the paper.
(CHOKING)
Don’t be crazy. Just sign it!
Thank Christ.
(GASPS, INHALES)
(THEO SIGHS)
(GASPING)
(EXHALES)
You would’ve let me die.
No. I knew you’d sign it.
And I thank you.
Who?
What?
Thank who?
THEO: Zendaya?
(SIGHS)
(PANTING SOFTLY)
You know I was never gonna let you die, Ivy. IIf you’re looking for the white flags, I think they’re in the dressing room.
(CLICKS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Starting to think that things are getting a little out of hand.
Oh, you think?
Just an instinct.
Put the gun away, Ivy.
You need to leave, Theo.
Or what? You’ll shoot me?
Well, not if you leave.
I’m pretty sure we never loaded it anyway
(GUNSHOT)
Pretty sure we did.
Jesus! Ivy!
Leave, Theo!
What have you become?
I mean, just look at yourself!
IVY: Don’t you think I know?
Trying to love you has made me bent and distorted because you’re a fucking impossible person!
Of course, you have a gun because you are fucking reckless, Ivy!
That’s what’s killed us.
Your selfishness.
Endless late night drinking with the waiters.
Fucking millions of choices that weren’t us!
(GASPS) Oh!
When I should’ve been here watching you masturbate over French tiles while burnishing your self image by rebuilding our children and this fucking house!
(GUNSHOT)
(GASPS) You abandoned me.
I had to have something!
You never looked at me, Theo.
Some nights I’d wait an hour, maybe two, thinking, “Is he gonna look at me? Does he fucking want to know who I am?”
I knew who you were.
I just didn’t fucking care for it anymore.
I didn’t even do that one, but it felt like appropriate timing.
Ah! Shit!
Remember, this is a hair trigger.
It’s very dangerous!
I’d leave if I was you, Theo.
(GRUNTS) Fuck!
You’re just making me madder!
Ivy. We both have said things we didn’t mean.
I meant them!
I meant them too!
(CLATTERS)
Oh, my God!
You don’t care if I’m dead!
You’ve got a fucking gun, Ivy!
I’ve got fruit and utensils.
Yeah, thanks for reminding me!
Julia Child’s fucking ugly stove!
Not the stove!
Not that! No! Not that!
Drop the gun!
Okay! Are you fucking crazy?
Hal, lights off.
(GUNSHOT)
(ITEMS SHATTER)
(GRUNTS)
(GUNSHOT)
IVY: Hal, lights up.
Whoa!
(GUNSHOT)
(SHATTERS)
Oh!
I hit it! I hit it!
I aimed and I hit it!
(PANTING)
Ivy. You’re being ridiculous.
Just give me the house.
You get the business.
We both get something we love.
I should be the something you love!
You were.
You were fucking everything to me.
You stopped.
You’re not supposed to stop.
You stopped.
You stopped first!
I never stopped!
Liar!
(GRUNTING) Slow down!
THEO: Hal, lock door.
Hal, unlock door.
THEO: Hal, lock door.
Unlock door!
(HISSES)
(SCREAMS)
Hal, lock door.
(EXHALES)
(PANTING)
Did you mean what you just said, that you never stopped?
Or just the fact I was chasing you with a gun, right?
No. No, I meant it.
Why leave me then?
Because you hated me, and I couldn’t bear it.
I didn’t.
You didn’t seem to be in enough pain for what had happened to us.
I was.
I am.
It’s just…
It’s just hard to show it, you know?
Difficult to see it.
Hal, unlock door.
(LOCK CLICKS)
(PANTING)
Truth is, I doubt I could live without you anyway.
And I, you.
So, murder suicide pact then?
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS) We’re so good at words.
And yet we could never find the ones we needed.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS) I was careless with you.
You were hurt and I was so lost in my own pain that I couldn’t get to you.
I was cruel.
I thought we were impregnable, and you were my person in the world.
I’m so sorry.
(SIGHS)
Oh, jeez.
Jesus indeed.
(SIGHS)
I mean, we nearly…
(GASPS) I know.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)
(GASPS)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Fucking hell!
(LAUGHS) If you didn’t throw like a winded toddler.
Or you shoot like a confused mole.
(CHUCKLES)
Brave of you still to appear like that though.
I wanted to try one last time.
It’s terrifying how close we came to losing each other.
(EXHALES)
(HISSING)
What a day.
(CHUCKLES) What a day.
Lucky us.
Lucky us.
(CHUCKLES) Always have been.
Mm.
Remember when we met?
Mm.
Good day.
Death do us part.
Death do us part.
(GAS HISSING)
Hal… play our song and light the fire.
(CLICKING)
(HAPPY TOGETHER BY HOFFS AND WAINWRIGHT PLAYS)
♪ Imagine me and you ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I think about you
Day and night♪
♪ It’s only right ♪
♪ To think about
The boy you love♪
♪ And hold him tight♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ If I should call you up♪
♪ Invest a dime♪
♪ And you say
You belong to me♪
♪ And ease my mind♪
♪ Imagine how
The world could be♪
♪ So very fine♪
♪ So happy together♪
♪ I can’t see me
Lovin’ nobody but you♪
♪ For all my life♪
♪ When you’re with me♪
♪ Baby, the skies’ll
Be blue♪
♪ For all my life♪
♪ Me and you
And you and me♪
♪ No matter how
They toss the dice♪
♪ It has to be♪
♪ The only one
For me is you♪
♪ And you for me♪
♪ So happy together♪
♪ I can’t see me lovin’
Nobody but you♪
♪ For all my life♪
♪ When you’re
With me♪
♪ Baby the skies’ll
Be blue♪
♪ For all my life♪
♪ Me and you
And you and me♪
♪ No matter how
They toss the dice♪
♪ It has to be♪
♪ The only one
For me is you♪
♪ And you for me♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Me and you
And you and me♪
♪ No matter how
They toss the dice♪
♪ It has to be♪
♪ The only one
For me is you♪
♪ And you for me♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ How is
The weather?♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ We’re happy
Together♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ Happy together♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
♪ So happy
Together♪
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
BARRY: I think it might.
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
BARRY: Don’t film my friend.
THEO: It’s not gonna fall.
THEO: It’s not gonna fall. It’s not gonna fall. That fucking sail!
