The Family McMullen (2025) | Transcript

The Family McMullen (2025)
Director: Edward Burns
Writer: Edward Burns
Stars: Connie Britton (Molly McMullen), Edward Burns (Barry “Finbar” McMullen), Michael McGlone (Patrick McMullen), Tracee Ellis Ross (Nina Martin), Juliana Canfield (Karen Martin), Pico Alexander (Thomas “Tommy” McMullen), Brian d’Arcy James (Walter), Halston Sage (Patricia “Patty” McMullen), Bryan Fitzgerald (Terrence Joseph), Shari Albert (Susan)
Release dates: October 15, 2025

Plot: A close-knit family navigates life’s ups and downs, confronting personal struggles and evolving bonds. As they face unexpected hurdles, their connections are tested, revealing the complexities of love, loyalty, and growth within a family.

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The Family McMullen (2025) | Transcript

[flute music playing]

[man] Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Is that a good-looking frickin’ bird or what?

Nice.

What are our thoughts on Patty’s boyfriend?

I didn’t know he was coming.

Yeah, neither did I.

And for the record, I am not at all happy about it.

Here’s what I don’t get.

What is my daughter doing with this frickin’ guy?

Why would you say something like that?

He seems like a very nice young man.

Because there’s something about him I don’t trust and I can see it in his eyes.

In his eyes?

He’s too preppy. You know, he’s too put together.

I don’t like that.

“Put together” is a problem?

Yeah.

And you know, he’s not particularly handsome, is he?

[Patrick scoffs]

It occurred to me.

Who does he remind you of?

This guy right here.

[laughing]

Hahaha, very funny.

So he’s a nice, sweet, put-together kid.

Probably goes to church every Sunday, too.

Another strike against him.

See why you two heathens don’t like it.

Speaking of not going to church, where’s Leslie?

Are she and the kids coming?

What’s going on?

Oh. Well, uh, yeah.

No. Uh, yes.

The boys are with their significant others, and Leslie and I…

Well, she decided that she was gonna be in Fairfield.

She always loved Fairfield.

[man 2] Beer here. Cold beer.

Always enjoyed Fairfield.

Tommy, great timing!

Hi, Tommy.

Hey.

You gotta try one of our new brews, huh.

All right, you got it.

Hey, Dad, did you know Patty’s bringing the wannabe blue blood to dinner today?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were just discussing.

We’re not happy about it.

You people are impossible.

Can we just give this kid a chance, okay?

After all, it’s Thanksgiving.

[woman] Hello, we’re here.

Speak of the devil.

Patty, we’re in the kitchen.

Hi.

[Patty] Hi!

[Molly] Happy Thanksgiving.

Hey, everyone.

Wow!

Sorry, we’re a little late.

We were trying to make a pecan pie.

This is the third attempt.

Third attempt’s the charm.

Love it.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Hello. Hi, hi.

Hey there. How are you, TJ?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Can we get you a cold beer?

Dad, please.

We talked about this.

His name is Terrence Joseph and you will call him that, okay?

I know, but Terrence Joseph, it’s such a mouthful.

You never went by anything short, huh?

[Patrick] Terrence Joseph.

Pay no attention to my brother.

Everyone in this house will be happy to call you by your Christian name.

Oh, well, thank you.

And, uh, yeah, beer would be great.

[Tommy] Here you go, handsome.

A pint of McMullen’s finest.

Ooh.

And can I just say that is a hell of a sweater, TJ.

[mimics punch]

[all laughing]

[Tommy]

Good to see you, buddy.

Oh, thank you.

And, uh… and Barry, can I just say I wanted to thank you especially for having me here and let me join the family on such short notice.

Or, uh… or should I call you Finbar?

Oh. [chuckles softly] See, we got a wise guy on our hands, do we, huh?

You put him up to that, call me Finbar?

No, Dad, it is your name.

It is my name, that is true.

But there was only one person on the planet who was ever allowed to call me Finbar, and that was my mother.

[Patrick]

Barry, I call you Finbar.

I call you Finbar.

All right, so there were three people on the planet who are allowed to call me Finbar.

However, welcome to our home.

Why don’t you guys hang up your coats and we’ll sit down to dinner shortly, all right?

Yeah, yeah. That sounds good.

Thank you, Barry.

[chuckles nervously]

Uh, yeah, I’ll be there.

Really?

[Patrick] Finbar.

[whispering] Great job.

Terrence Joseph, welcome.

Uh, before we dig into this beautiful feast, I’d like to say a few words.

I’d love for us to raise a glass to what this day is really about, which is giving thanks.

I married into the McMullen clan, and I have always been eternally grateful that I get to be a part of this family.

Um, you know, after Jack died, Barry, you and Patrick, you… just took me under your wing, always made me feel like I was home.

Of course, Thomas, Patricia, I see you as my own, and I just cherish this family.

I really do.

So, uh, I am just grateful that I get to sit here at this table with all of you today.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[all] Happy Thanksgiving.

[Patty] Happy Thanksgiving.

And speaking of giving thanks and being grateful…

[inhales]

I have an announcement to make. [exhales] Terrence Joseph and I are engaged.

[chuckles softly]

Oh.

[Barry] Oh, jeez.

What are you talking about?

You are engaged?

I mean, how long has this been in the works?

Well, we have been talking about it for quite some time, so it really came as no surprise when he popped the question last night.

Well, it certainly is a surprise to me, all right?

And I have to admit, it kind of breaks my heart and not because I’m not happy for you, but it’s because TJ here didn’t have the decency to come and get my approval beforehand.

Dad, [whispers] it’s Terrence Joseph.

We talked about this.

[Barry] Okay, then.

Terrence Joseph, be thankful I’m not a traditionalist.

Otherwise, you and I would be in the backyard right now with the boxing gloves on.

[Tommy] You know, Dad, should you like, I could, uh, go run up, get the boxing gloves right now.

Unfortunately, they’re not joking.

Well, I’m a little shocked.

Because I would have thought, you know, we would have talked about this. Maybe…

We wanted it to be a surprise.

[Molly] Well, mission accomplished.

Can you remind me how long you’ve been dating?

[Patty] Since law school.

Mmhmm.

And ever since the first date, we just knew we were on the same page Uh, she’s talking about their life goals.

Certain benchmarks that they wanna hit at the same time.

Weird Type A shit like that.

[Molly] Well, you know, I hate to rain on a parade.

But getting married is not something you wanna check off your todo list.

I mean, you make a hasty decision, it can affect your entire life.

Not to mention the fact that you’re both too young.

I mean, look at Dad.

He got married when he was too young, both times.

And God forbid you end up like me.

Listen, I actually don’t think it has so much to do with age.

Thank you, Aunt Molly.

I think it has more to do with life experience.

That was what cursed your Uncle Jack and me.

Specifically because neither one of us ever slept with anybody before we got married.

[whispers] That came back to bite us in the ass.

Uh, do you mind how? How so?

Oh, now he speaks.

Well, great question, Terrence Joseph.

Their brother, Jack, cheated on me.

Now, I did forgive him, but I never forgot.

Or maybe I forgot, but never forgave.

Either way, after he had his affair, I exacted my own vengeance, and I had my own little fling.

You did not.

I did.

Couple of them, actually.

And you know what?

That’s what showed me that our marriage was a mistake!

I really don’t think we need to relive all that, Molly.

And I, for one…

[sighs in exasperation]

don’t want to let the failures of other marriages soil the advent of this one.

So if I may, I’d like to propose a toast to the newly engaged couple.

Yes, please do, Uncle Pat.

[Patrick] May we truly celebrate the occasion today marking the beginning of your lifelong commitment.

Lifelong, guys.

Let that sink in.

Dad, can you tell him to shut up, please?

I think he and your aunt are both making very valid points.

When two people take each other into their innermost hearts, as you two clearly have done…

[inhales]

that love and trust must never be taken for granted.

[sniffles]

[sobs] And sometimes… sometimes it is.

[crying]

I just want you… to… to have your love grow and the joy grow and not die and rot… [cries] ’cause you couldn’t forecast the disaster.

Good for you, kid.

Patty, Patty, take a minute if you need a minute.

Mmhmm?

No, I’m all right.

I’m all right.

I… [clears throat] I’d like to finish my toast.

I’m finishing my toast to Patty and Terrence Joseph.

Hmm?

On this day, we give thanks, don’t we?

Especially… to family.

[crying]

To family.

What’s the matter with you? Losing your composure like that? Can’t even make a toast without making a spectacle of yourself.

Hey, Patrick.

What is going on, man?

Are you okay?

Let me ask you, Barry, when you were over at Easter, did you notice any friction between Leslie and I?

No. No more friction than usual.

Maybe it was just easier to ignore when the boys were still at home.

Well, look, I gotta be honest with you.

Ever since you guys moved back from California, she just hasn’t seemed the same.

That’s 15 years ago, man.

She’s asked me to move out.

With us being empty nesters now, she wants to start a new chapter in her life.

Ah, Jesus.

Apparently, that chapter will not include me.

Ah, man. I’m sorry.

[sighs wearily] So what does that mean?

Are you out of the house now?

Looks like it.

So I was hoping maybe I could stay here with you a little bit.

Here? With me?

And I have a terrible feeling that we are not just talking about a one-night deal.

A few weeks, a month, tops.

Are you shitting me? A month?

“Give to the one who asks and don’t turn away the one who wants to borrow.”

Matthew 5:42, Barry.

I’m telling you right now.

You start quoting the goddamn Bible, you’re not staying another fucking minute, let alone a month.

Holy shit.

Forgive him, Father.

He knows not what he does.

[Terrence] Wow.

[chuckles]

Your Aunt Molly paints quite a negative picture

of marriage, huh?

[door closes] She makes it seem like a hopeless endeavor destined for failure, sure to end in infidelity and heartbreak.

Well, yeah, but just because my Uncle Jack was a jerk who cheated on her doesn’t mean that all guys are liars and cheats, right?

[sighs]

But she makes a compelling argument regarding the whole “how many people have you slept with” thing, you know?

Because neither one of us has had a ton of experience.

You even less so than me.

And that doesn’t bother me, because that was my choice.

[softly] Yeah, all right.

[loudly] So you’re fine having only slept with me?

You have no curiosity about what it might be like to be with somebody else?

No, but you’re scaring me, Terrence Joseph.

You should know that because that’s what’s happening.

Well, guess what?

I’m scared, too, okay?

I’m terrified, actually, and I blame your aunt for that.

But… I don’t know.

Maybe she’s right.

Maybe you need more experiences under your belt before you’re ready to get married.

When you say “you,” are you talking about me specifically, or the proverbial you?

[Terrence] Uh, both?

And I only suggest it because we do not want to end up like your aunts and uncles having affairs and getting divorced because we didn’t get everything out of our system, do we?

So what are you suggesting?

Well, I think we should take a break.

I’m sorry. I thought I was ready to do this, but I’m not.

You know, maybe we can each

go on a few dates…

[Patty scoffs] see some other people, and then we’ll know if we’re really ready to do this or not.

I don’t need any more experiences.

I’m ready.

Okay. Well, don’t get upset.

Look, let’s just take a month like a trial separation.

And if it’s meant to be, then we’ll know it.

And if not, then… [laughs] we save ourselves all the pain and bitterness that your relatives seem to be suffering from.

[sighs softly]

Hey, look, you said it yourself.

Your Aunt Molly, she’s been like a second mother to you.

Well, let’s listen to her.

You know, maybe she knows what she’s talking about.

[sighs]

There are no half-measures in love, Terrence Joseph.

And I don’t do trial separations.

[guitar music playing]

Patty, come on. Hey, look.

This is gonna be good for the both of us!

[Patty] What the hell just happened? Did he just break off our engagement to hook up with other girls? He did? Okay. Oh, that was unexpected.

[sighs]

Not expected at all.

[sobs]

But you’re gonna pull it together, Patty.

[clears throat]

You’re not gonna cry in the middle of the street. If you’re gonna cry, you’re gonna do it someplace you can be alone.

[crying]

[wailing]

[sniffles] Oh, thank you.

[sniffles, inhales]

Hold on. Molly McMullen?

Oh, my God, Walter.

Is that you?

Long time.

How have you been? [chuckles] Good, good. I’ve been good.

How are you?

Good.

I’m just getting home with, uh…

Thanksgiving with my girls.

I’m actually talking to one of them right now.

Hold on one sec.

[Molly] Oh, no.

Honey, can I call you right back?

Y-Yeah, I just ran into an old friend.

Uh, okay, okay.

I’ll speak soon. Yup.

Bye.

Sorry about that.

[Molly] Oh, no.

The girls just want to make sure their old man got home safe and sound.

How many years has it been since I’ve seen you and Cheryl? Jeez.

Yeah, so I guess you hadn’t heard.

Uh, Cheryl passed away a couple of years ago.

Oh, damn it. I’m sorry.

[Walter] Yeah.

Cancer’s a bitch.

As you well know.

Yeah. All too well.

So you must be coming back

from Thanksgiving with Barry?

Oh, yeah.

Can’t escape the McMullens.

[inhales] So what’s, what’s happening with you?

Are you still teaching?

No, no.

I started selling real estate after, you know…

[sighs]

Needed a new start with the girls grown and out of the house.

Wow, it’s so funny because I’ve been looking for a real estate agent, um, because I think it’s finally time to sell the old family house out on Long Island.

The one that Jack and I shared so…

Well, if you haven’t had it appraised, maybe we could set up an appointment if that’s…

That would be great.

That would be great.

Um, all right. Do you wanna…

You wanna just put your number in and…

Sure.

Great.

[mellow music playing]

There you go.

All right.

Okay, great to see you. Yeah.

Great to see you, too.

All right, I’ll be in touch.

Okay.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[chuckles] Happy Thanksgiving.

[Molly laughs]

[mellow rock music playing]

[sniffles, crying]

[footsteps approaching]

Oh, excuse me.

Could I get another round?

[bartender] Okay.

Hey.

Let me guess, you just moved here from Wisconsin?

You heard Brooklyn was the place to be, but now you’re living in a shitty one-bedroom with three roommates in Bushwick, and you’re wondering, “What the hell am I doing here on Thanksgiving?”

Uh, no.

I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m actually from here.

Excuse me.

[Tommy] Really?

My apologies.

I had you pegged as a hipster more than a native.

So, where you from?

Carroll Gardens, by way of Coney Island.

No shit. A legit Brooklynite?

I mean, you don’t meet too many of us anymore.

I’m born and bred myself from right here in Windsor Terrace, just a couple of blocks away.

Could I get another round over here, please?

Is that your boyfriend over there?

[Tommy chuckles]

Not anymore.

That explains the tears.

It’s very smart of you to dump him in a public place, too.

I mean, can you imagine the kind of state he’d be in

if, uh…

There you go.

Just the two of you, home alone?

Ooh, thank you.

Just in the nick of time.

I’m Tommy, by the way.

Karen.

[Tommy] Well… it’s nice to meet you, Karen.

[exhales]

Struck out again, huh?

The night is young.

Here you go, Mr. McMullen, Tommy.

Happy Thanksgiving to you both.

Thank you, Brian.

You too, Brian.

Here is to a long life and a merry one.

To a quick death and an easy one.

To a pretty lass, and an honest one.

[in Irish accent] To a cold beer and another one.

[in Irish accent] Your grandmother would be mighty proud of ya.

[Tommy laughs] God rest her soul.

Mm, mm.

You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking.

Being back home this weekend, I’m realizing how much I miss Brooklyn.

I already do not like where this is going.

I thought I’d really like working in tech, but I’m just not feeling creatively satisfied.

I think I’m finally gonna pursue my dream.

Do me a favor.

Before you say another word, did you quit your fucking job?

Because I do not have any more money to lend you.

Dad, I wanna be an actor.

An actor?

What the hell do you know about acting?

Have you ever taken an acting class?

I don’t need a degree to be an actor.

You either got it or you don’t.

And it’s like you said with the writing, “You can’t teach talent.”

And who is it that told you that you have any fucking talent?

Weren’t you the one who always told us, “Find something you love to do “and you’ll never have to work a day in your life?”

Yeah, but that was when I was young and idealistic.

I have since amended that rule. Okay?

Now, it’s “Find something you love to do, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to live a life of great disappointment and probably go broke pursuing that dream.

However, it does beat the hell out of working 95.”

So what’s your point?

What are you gonna do to earn a living while you are pursuing the dream?

Well, I was thinking I could work with Uncle Pat.

At the brewery. Yeah.

I’ll help him with the marketing, social media, stuff like that, and then, uh…

I was also thinking that, uh, you know, in order to save money, it might be a good idea for me to move back home.

[Barry] Back home?

Mmhmm.

With your mother down in Miami in that beautiful big house with that big-ass pool,

that is a brilliant idea.

No, Dad.

I’m talking about here in Brooklyn, with you.

Back home in Brooklyn with me?

Oh, let me know if I’m, uh, distracting you.

I thought we were having a serious conversation about you moving back home.

Look, what do you want me to say?

It’s Thanksgiving.

How can I refuse my boy?

It is a day for giving.

And I did just tell your Uncle Pat that he could move in as well, so…

Welcome home, son.

Really? [sighs in relief]

[glass clinking]

Thanks, Pop.

[door slams]

[gasps]

The wedding’s off!

All because Aunt Molly got in Terrence Joseph’s head that we needed more experiences before we got married.

Aw, jeez, I’m sorry, kid.

Although I can’t say it totally breaks my heart because, like your aunt Molly, I did have my concerns.

Yeah, well, it breaks mine, so, I’d appreciate a little sympathy over the snide comments.

And Patty, I owe you an apology.

I can’t imagine my histrionics helped matters.

Yeah, that was quite the frightening sight to see a grown man cry at the dinner table like that.

That would have scared me off, too.

Uh, but Patricia, I have a question.

Given the suitcases, is it safe to assume that like your brother, you too are not looking to move back home with your mother in FL, eh?

Wait, what do you mean “like my brother”?

I quit my job, so I’m gonna be staying with Dad for a bit.

Huh? Just when I thought tonight couldn’t get any worse.

Look, I know you probably don’t wanna hear this right now, but I think this is for the best.

Why would you say that?

Because he’s the only guy you ever… had a relationship with, and I think that would be a shame.

How the hell do you know that?

TJ may have mentioned it when he got a bit too drunk.

And I hope you kicked his ass for talking about your sister like that.

There is nothing wrong with that, Patty.

As a Catholic, I commend you.

And as your brother, I pity you.

And I want to know why anyone thinks this is an appropriate conversation in front of me.

Do me a favor.

Tommy, for the rest of the night, the only thing I wanna hear out of you is nothing.

Look, I don’t care what you think.

I believe in the power of love and the institution of marriage, and unlike you, Aunt Molly and Dad…

Sorry.

I don’t have a problem being faithful.

Well said, Patty.

And the Lord smiles on those who make that sacrifice and frowns on those who don’t.

Hey, why am I being dragged into this?

I only cheated on my first wife.

And if I didn’t cheat on her, I don’t meet your mother.

If I don’t meet your mother, I don’t have you two beautiful children.

So in this case, maybe cheating is actually a good thing.

This is parenting for you?

Dad, it’s very twisted logic, but I think it’s sound.

Let’s get this back on track.

Can I stay here?

[sighs]

Look.

When your mother and I got divorced, I bought this house in the hopes that I could create a second home for all of us.

And based on tonight, I’d say I succeeded.

I’m confused. Is that a yes?

[Barry] Of course.

But look, I do have some rules, all right?

I’m not gonna cook for you, not gonna clean up after you, and I’m definitely not doing your laundry.

You want any of that bullshit done?

You can ask Patrick, who also came here tonight, hat in hand.

I’ll be happy to do it.

[chuckles] Thank you.

How about that, huh?

I got my two babies back home with papa.

Guys, do me a favor.

Raise your pints.

To Patty the Perfect and Tommy the Terrible.

Welcome home, kids.

Hey, you got a minute?

Be very careful with what comes out of your mouth next.

What are you taking me for, huh?

I might be a wiseacre and a class clown and a school fool, but I know better than to joke at a time like this.

Then what do you want?

I just wanna tell you I feel for you!

I know how much you loved him.

That’s it.

No wisecrack, no mean comment, no dumb ass remark.

[chuckles] No, I can be real when the moment calls for it.

However, there is something I wanted to ask you.

Hmm. Okay, this should be good.

It’s nothing major, but, uh…

Well, look, if we’re gonna be living here together, we should try not to, uh, we should try to get along, right?

Mmhmm.

Yeah.

So I was hoping that you could try not to be so judgmental of me.

Oh.

Yeah.

I’m not judgmental.

I just worry that your impulsiveness and impetuous decision-making will lead you down a path of disappointment, bitterness, unhappiness, and, well, ultimately failure.

Well, it was worth a shot.

But you know what I just realized?

It’s not judgment, is it?

It’s jealousy.

[Patty scoffs]

I’m jealous of you?

You don’t really believe that.

Yeah, and I get it.

I’m fun, and you’re not.

I’m the life of the party and you’re the strange girl in the corner

that nobody wants to talk to.

[chuckles] I’d be jealous, too.

[sighs] Did you ever think that it was maybe because my self-esteem wasn’t tied to a constant need for attention?

If anything, it’s those insecurities of yours that feed your jealousy of me.

You’ve always envied me.

What part of your life could I possibly envy?

Oh, I don’t know.

My work ethic, my stability, my loving relationship.

Oh, you know what I’m sensing from you right now?

Disappointment. Bitterness.

Unhappiness.

And what was that last one again?

Oh, yeah. Failure.

Get out!

I can’t believe how much I’ve missed you.

[chuckles]

[door slams]

Uh-oh.

Sounds like they’re off to a good start.

Yeah, the sounds of sibling rivalry.

Warms your heart, doesn’t it?

Hmm.

Hey!

Hey.

Remember me?

No, I can’t say that…

Yeah, you do.

We met at Farrell’s on Thanksgiving.

You left some poor bastard crying in his beer.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Born and Bred.

Exactly.

Yeah, I was just having a slice, I saw you go by, I thought I should say hello, see how you’re doin’.

Mm-hm.

So how you doing?

Uh, right now I’m pretty annoyed, actually.

Oh, what? Because of me?

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a bother.

I just wanted to say hello.

Now that I have… take it easy.

No, sorry.

It’s not you, actually.

It’s just… I’m supposed to meet my friends for lunch and they just texted me that my ex is in there.

So the weeper is the cause of your annoyance and not me.

I’m happy to hear that.

Hey, I got an idea.

Just came to me.

What if you blow your friends off?

You can have lunch with me instead.

[chuckles]

Why not?

Look, you go in there, you know you’re gonna have an awkward encounter with this dude, and then you’re gonna ask yourself, “What if I would’ve had lunch with Tommy Mac instead?”

“And what if that moment was my one chance in life at something extraordinary, and I just let it slip through my fingers?”

I mean, that might haunt you for the rest of your days.

So are you implying that “that something extraordinary that I might miss out on” is you?

No!

It’s us!

[laughing]

[Tommy] So what do you say?

Hm.

[Tommy] It’s just lunch.

Have a beer, have a burger.

Maybe even have a laugh?

Burger?

Slice isn’t enough for you?

What slice?

Very nice shot.

You know…

Why the hell not?

Yeah?

Come on then, girl.

[Karen] All right.

So, uh, how long did you guys date?

Hmm, almost four months?

My longest relationship by far.

Felt like a lot longer though, didn’t it?

Yeah, like a life sentence.

So, uh… were you in love with this guy?

Oh God, no!

[Tommy] What?

What?

No. No, no, no.

I’ve actually never been in love.

Never had anyone do that thing for me.

Tell me about it.

Yeah. I have yet to experience that special feeling that people talk about.

The, um, “I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“It’s the girl of my dreams.”

“It’s love at first sight.”

Bull-crap! I never had that.

You know, my girlfriends tell me

about kissing some guy.

[Tommy] Yeah.

Just kissing, mind you, and they get goosebumps and tingling and butterflies in their stomachs and immediately know that he’s the one and I’m like, “Butterflies?

Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Goosebumps tingling?

Get the fuck out of here.”

[Karen giggles]

[Tommy smacks lips]

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not wired like that. I’m sorry.

No, no, no.

Nothing to apologize for.

[smacks lips]

To the coldhearted.

May we never buy into the fallacy of true love.

To say nothing of butterflies.

Fuck butterflies.

[chuckles]

[clinking] Fuck butterflies.

[glass thuds]

[whimsical music playing]

What the…

[groans]

[screams] God, no!

Oh, God.

Dad!

[exhales]

You gotta be kidding me.

Dad!

Oh, is everything okay?

Jesus!

What is going on in here?

What happened?

It’s the faucet.

It’s been dripping all afternoon and keeping me awake.

I tried to fix it, and then it starts spraying in my face!

It just won’t stop.

Okay, you know what concerns me more than the faucet?

The fact that it’s the middle of the afternoon and you’re still in bed.

What, you didn’t wanna go to work today?

Oh, no, I called in sick again.

I just… I’m not ready to face the world.

And this is because you’re still pining over Terrence Joseph?

Uh, yeah. Obviously.

Yeah, but it’s been almost two weeks.

You’re not over this guy yet?

[laughs] Okay.

You’re of no help.

I’m going to bed.

[Barry] Pats, Pats.

Look, I’m sorry.

Here’s the thing.

You can do better than this guy, all right?

I mean, first of all, he’s not particularly good-looking, right?

He’s got very untrustworthy eyes.

Secondly, he had the audacity to call me Finbar.

And thirdly, and more importantly, he’s an Irishman who pretends to be a WASP.

I mean, come on.

[sighs, muted groans]

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Yeah.

Totally not necessary, but I really do appreciate the gesture.

No, it was my pleasure.

And as much as I don’t believe in love, I do believe in chivalry.

[chuckles softly]

So look, I just wanna be perfectly upfront and, uh, let you know that I had a great time today.

[snorts]

Okay, yeah. So did I.

Very, very pleasant surprise.

Good.

And furthermore, I would just like to add…

Well, that’s redundant, but go on.

That I am glad we didn’t miss out on this extraordinary experience you and I are starting to share.

Extraordinary? Um… no.

I don’t think we’ve gotten to that part yet.

Huh.

And… we’re not going to tonight.

Yeah, bummer, but you could text me.

I’m free over the weekend.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

[guitar music playing]

[chuckles softly]

[Karen] Alright.

[Tommy] Alright.

Looking forward to it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Mm-hm.

[mimicking rattle sound]

[in singsong voice]

Approaching… extraordinary.

[Tommy chuckles softly] Okay.

[Tommy] What the hell? Those are not fucking butterflies you’re feeling. You’re just hungry.

You need to eat. Wait a second. You already had a slice and a burger. Shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck.

No, no, no, no.

[laughs]

You’re not that guy. Nothing to worry about.

[pleasant music playing]

Hey, hey.

Who is hungry for some donuts?

Sorry, Pops. Uncle Pat’s already cooking breakfast.

Huh? Isn’t he the happy homemaker?

I don’t know if you guys are aware of this, but today actually marks the two-week and two-day anniversary of your uncle staying with us.

Isn’t that wonderful?

You know, if I’m a burden, just say the word and I’ll gladly be on my way, my man.

[Patty] Oh, no.

Uncle Pat’s not going anywhere.

He made us pancakes.

Something you’ve never done.

Yeah, because I do donuts.

That’s my thing.

Been doing it since you were kids.

And I guarantee you this: my donuts are better than those frickin’ pancakes.

I don’t know, Dad.

These pancakes are hot.

I also did the laundry, and Finbar… in the future, I would appreciate it if you didn’t just throw the wet towels down the stairs.

There’s a hamper on the landing for a reason.

Do you guys hear, like, a buzzing in the kitchen?

I’ve been hearing it for the last… two-and-a-half weeks.

It’s like a little gnat in my ear.

It bitches, and it moans.

You guys don’t hear that at all?

[Tommy] Block it out, Uncle Pat.

We’ve been doing it our whole lives.

Yeah, don’t listen to him.

Please continue what you were saying about Aunt Molly before Barry “box of donuts” over there so rudely interrupted you.

Well, I just think it’s wonderful how close you kids are with her.

Yeah, well, she was more of a mother to us than our own mother.

Which isn’t saying much.

I’ve forgotten what a beauty she is too.

She really has a glow about her.

Have you noticed that?

She walks into a room and it’s immediately brighter?

[Barry] A glow?

No. I, for one, have never noticed a fucking glow.

And neither should you.

And you wanna know why?

Because she’s your sister-in-law.

I don’t think she still is, technically.

I’m not allowed to say that she lights up a room?

No. Not while you’re living here in my house.

But when you get your own place like a big boy, you can shout it off the rooftops for all I care.

Dad, you’re a fucking crazy person.

Thomas, I can’t approve of that language, but I do approve of that message.

I mean, if there’s anybody here who needs a shrink, it’s you.

Wait, I’m sorry.

Who here is seeing a shrink?

Oh, Aunt Molly gave Uncle Pat the name of her old therapist.

She did what?

Since when has she been seeing a shrink?

And more importantly, why?

Are you kidding?

Your older brother, her husband, cheated on her and then died.

Say, if anyone needed one, it’s her.

Okay. Well, then what’s your excuse, Patrick?

[Patty, softly] Dad!

Aunt Leslie left him, kicked him out of the house?

Dad, don’t get all weirded out.

Mom sent us to a therapist after the two of you got divorced.

It was great.

Really helped the both of us.

She did what?

And why is this the first I’m hearing of this?

Maybe because of the way you’re reacting now.

Uncle Pat, have you had your first appointment yet?

No. And like your father, I have my reservations.

But after this tumultuous year, I’m seeing the world in a whole new light.

A whole new light?

Oh, so maybe that explains why you’re seeing your dead brother’s widow suddenly has a glow about her.

Oh, my God, we’re back to this.

[Patrick] Barry, you’ve always been afraid of change.

But your daughter’s right.

It’s not the ’90s anymore.

Hey, Patrick, you know what?

I’m starting to think that maybe you’re a bad influence on my children, turning my brood against me.

And it reminds me of a theory I have.

You see, a family… is like

a bowl of fruit, right?

Oh, my God.

And if that bowl happens to have a bad apple,

a rotten apple, if you will…

Dad!

What does that do to the…

Wasn’t funny the first time.

Yeah, no, it was.

I thought it was very funny.

Yeah, definitely.

It was funny.

See, your brother’s right.

He’s a smart kid.

[scoffs] Again, Barry. The ’90s…

[sighs] They’re dead and gone.

Time to grow, my friend.

Time to grow.

Oh. So, yeah, you know, the house needs a little work.

[laughs]

Yeah, this kitchen could use an upgrade.

[chuckles softly]

[Molly] Oh, you think?

What? You don’t think the faux brick has aged well?

I think that fell out of favor

somewhere in the mid80s.

[Molly] Yeah.

Tell you what? Every time I come back in here, it’s like the memories just come… flooding back.

I’m sure.

I mean, I was a kid when I moved in here.

It was after my wedding night.

Flies by, doesn’t it?

[Molly] Yeah.

30 years.

How the hell does that happen?

Tell me about it.

I still feel like I’m the same guy I was in my 20s.

Then, of course, I look in the mirror.

Yeah, well, fuck that.

[laughs]

Yeah, I tried living here… after Jack passed away.

It’s too lonely.

Painful. Sad.

That was over 20 years ago.

Why did you sit on the house that long?

Oh. Barry and Patrick.

[chuckles] They were not ready to give up their childhood home.

No way.

Hmm.

So I’ve been renting it.

It’s been pretty lucrative.

Well, how do they feel about you selling it now?

[Molly] Uh…

We haven’t actually discussed it.

Ah.

There will be tears.

[chuckles]

Particularly from Patrick.

I just want to start by saying… [sighs] This is a very big step for me, Dr. Sabatino.

Please. Call me Sal.

Sal?

[chuckles nervously]

Not sure I’m comfortable with that.

It’s a little too informal.

Too casual for how I’m gonna be communicating in here.

And how are you gonna be communicating in here?

Well, to a doctor, not some guy named Sal.

Well, if you prefer calling me Dr. Sabatino, we could try that.

But let me ask you, why would calling me Sal make you uncomfortable?

Well, it’d be the equivalent of calling Father Dolan or Father McGavin, Joe or Mike.

Just isn’t done.

Out of respect.

So, uh, you’re a practicing Catholic?

Very much so.

Whose wife has asked him for a divorce?

And obviously a very major sin.

Is your wife Catholic as well?

[Patrick] Not practicing.

She’s… taken issue with some stances the church has on women.

Hmm.

As a lapsed Catholic, I totally understand.

Which reminds me of a joke I recently heard, which you might appreciate.

What’s the highest position a woman can reach in the Catholic Church?

Nun. [laughs] Get it? Nun, zero, none.

[laughs maniacally, squeals]

[clears throat]

Sorry. That… that was in poor taste.

Hmm.

So tell me, Patrick, how do you think I can help you?

Unfortunately…

Sal…

I don’t think you can.

Appreciate the time.

[whimsical music playing]

[door closes]

No fucking way.

[Patrick] Jokes about nuns? That’s what this guy thinks is funny. Imagine. The people who laugh at something like that? Oneway ticket to hell, my friends.

[woman] Patrick?

Patrick!

Patrick McMullen!

Oh, my God.

I thought that was you.

Susan? I don’t believe it!

It’s over 30 years.

You look exactly the same.

So do you.

When you walked past me in Sal’s office, I immediately knew it had to be you.

Oh, you mean Dr. Sabatino?

Is he your therapist too?

Well, I shouldn’t say it like that.

That was my first and last session with Dr. Sal.

Looks like I’m gonna have to battle through confessions with Father McGavin from here on out.

Ah, right.

Well, it’s nice to see you haven’t changed much.

Well, what about you?

You’re in Brooklyn now?

Yeah. Well, after the kids were born, we left the Upper West Side, for which daddy never forgave me and moved here, right up the block actually.

But now I’m divorced and the kids are grown, and Daddy’s long gone, so now it’s just me.

Yeah, well, that’s part of the reason I was in to see the good doctor.

Soon to be divorced myself.

[Susan] Oh.

I’m sorry to hear that.

But it gets easier as time passes.

And if you’re lucky, it actually gets fun.

[laughs]

Oh, look, I would love to stay and chat all day, but I have to get back to my session.

Maybe we could get, uh, lunch sometime.

Or get a drink, go for a walk? Whatever.

You know, call me at the office.

We still have the same number, if you can believe it.

You know what’s nuts?

I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, but all the numbers from back then?

Locked up right there.

Good!

Then, uh, you know, give me a ring, if you want.

If not, it was awesome seeing you.

[knocking]

Do you ever wonder why Molly never got remarried after Uncle Jack died?

Never gave it one minute of thought.

Couldn’t care less actually.

You know, I can’t remember her ever having a real steady boyfriend.

And how about all that talk at Thanksgiving about how I need more experiences and sexual partners?

Think she might be a sex addict.

Having a healthy sex life and zero desire to marry does not a sex addict make.

It’s your Catholic upbringing causing you to negatively judge completely normal desires and impulses.

But you don’t think it’s weird she never had kids?

Not at all.

She’s too busy helping Dad with us.

Yeah, it’s not the same thing.

Speaking of Dad, why do you think he never remarried?

Well, that’s because he’s a two-time loser.

Mm, third time could be the charm.

I don’t think so.

I think he’s very happy being single.

[chuckles]

Dad is not happy being single.

Why do you think he so willingly agreed to let us move back into the house?

He’s lonely. That’s why.

Lonely? Dad? No way.

He lives the charmed life he always has.

I do not believe what I am seeing right now.

Perfect and Terrible hanging out together?

Guys, I can’t tell you how happy this makes me that you’re staying here.

All right, ’cause the house is kind of starting to feel like a home again, and that warms the old man’s heart.

What’d I tell ya?

Hey, but I did want to check in with you guys.

You’re cool staying here, even with Uncle Pat living in the basement?

‘Cause just say the word…

[whispers] and I’d happily get him outta here.

Yeah, Dad, all good. Yeah.

[Barry] Uh-huh.

Uh, well, look, guys, I was thinking if you guys are around tonight, maybe we could do a family dinner, just the three of us?

Oh, sorry. Dad, I got a hot date tonight.

Huh. Good for you.

[Tommy] Thanks.

Uh, Pats?

I’m assuming no hot date tonight.

I was thinking maybe then we could get started decorating the tree.

Oh, I’ll be here, wallowing in self-pity, lamenting about the life I should have had and getting drunk.

Hmm. Lamenting the what-ifs and getting hammered.

Who does that remind you of?

Grandma.

[Barry] Exactly.

Again…

[Tommy laughs] Kind of warms the old man’s heart.

You know, maybe you have a point.

I mean, if he’s excited that you’re staying for dinner, he’s definitely lonely.

Uh, what exactly is this for?

You’re gonna want to put that down.

Ew! Gross!

[Walter] So you never remarried after Jack passed?

[Molly] Honestly, I’ve never really been interested.

You know, the first time around was pretty rough, so…

Yeah, I remember hearing you guys had some issues.

Oh. Well, just the one issue.

You know, he cheated on me.

Ah.

[Molly chuckles]

Yeah, well, that’s a big one.

Yeah.

How about you?

What’s going on?

Started dating again or…

I tried, and I failed miserably.

What?

[chuckles softly] Well, to start, she was my high school sweetheart, if you can believe that.

We reconnected on Facebook.

Really?

People actually do that?

Wow. What was that like?

I mean, after how many years?

Forty.

Forty?

Forty years, yeah.

She’s a nightmare now, and she was a nightmare then.

[both laughing]

[pleasant music playing]

I hope you don’t mind this, but you have a really nice smile when you laugh.

Thank you.

That’s what I remember most about you.

When… when we worked together.

Your smile, it was just…

It was nice.

Walter, are you hitting on me?

What? No, no.

You have a nice smile.

That’s it.

Well, thank you.

And thank you for the ride.

And I’ll see you next week about the contract.

Mmhmm.

Okay.

[Molly] Okay. Well, that was a pleasant surprise. He’s nice! But is he too nice? Oh, God, you know how nice guys get. First, they get mushy, then they get clingy. You do not do well with clingy. Okay, you’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t even know if he’s interested yet. If he was interested, he would’ve asked you out, right? Well, wouldn’t he have asked you out?

[Molly sighing deeply]

I think he would’ve asked you out.

Hello?

Hey, it’s me, Walter.

Um, I’m still outside sitting in my car where you just left.

Um, still here, not in a creepy way.

Uh, just thinking that maybe me and you should…

Should go on a date?

Yes. Exactly.

Me, too. [chuckles] Great. Um, I know this great Italian restaurant.

How about Saturday?

All right. Great.

Oh, I could cook.

Even better.

Great.

I’ll see you then.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

[piano Christmas jingle playing]

Walter.

I mean, how incredible is that?

I’ve always said the city is like a small town, especially in Brooklyn.

Well, what are you gonna do, big boy?

Are you gonna give her a call or not?

Oh, you gotta call her, Uncle Pat.

You probably have so much to catch up on.

And look at this, I just Googled her.

Apparently, she’s some big deal in fashion.

Hmm.

CEO of her own company.

Yeah, that was her father’s company.

They made the ugliest sweaters in history.

Not anymore. Now they’re as big as Donna Karan, and oh, my God, look at her apartment.

Wow! Okay, Patrick, I gotta think she’s got an extra bedroom in this place, and it’s gotta be a little better than sleeping in my basement.

What do you think?

If I’m not welcome here, just say the word and I shall be on my way.

Is that a promise?

[Barry chuckles softly]

Oh, jeez, you are not gonna believe who’s calling.

The man who wanted one more lay.

I can hang up?

What do I do?

Do not take the call.

Take the call.

I’m taking the call.

Ay yai yai. Why the fuck would you say, “Take the call”?

Damn, I’ve been tryna get rid of this guy!

Why, he’s just a kid!

[door creaks open]

Hello.

[Terrence on phone] Hey. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.

Not great, if I’m being honest.

Really? Me too.

God, I’ve missed you so much.

Oh, my God…

I’m so relieved to hear you say that.

So I guess that means you haven’t been out there having new experiences.

What?

No. Not really.

What, uh, what about you?

No, of course not.

Oh. So not even one date?

[Patty] No. Why?

Have you gone on a date?

Well, yes. Obviously.

But, I mean, I hated it.

They weren’t you. Gee, not even close.

How sweet of you to say.

Yeah. Yeah, they were a little lame.

Just some girls I met on Bumble.

[Patty] Really?

So… there is… more than one. So…

Was it like one date with a few different girls?

Or did some girls warrant second dates?

AAre you getting upset?

Because I thought that’s what we agreed to.

No, you suggested it.

I told you I wasn’t interested.

Therefore, no agreement!

But I am curious.

How was it?

You know, sleep with someone else?

I’m assuming you slept with these girls.

No, not all of them.

Just the one.

Oh.

Just the one.

Dad, he is such a jerk!

Oh, wh-what… what happened?

It didn’t go well?

No, it did not go well.

He’s a mother… [screams] fucker!

Oh, my God. I was terrified that she was gonna say the wedding was back on.

This is great news.

Your daughter’s in emotional distress.

This is your response?

Yes, because, like I’ve already explained to you, I don’t like this kid and I will not be happy until he’s out of the picture.

And you know what you could do to help the cause?

Maybe say a prayer to that end.

Or even better, next time you’re up in Mass, you light a candle.

The only reason I would light a candle at church is to save your soul.

Well, that would be appreciated as well.

♪ Bells will be ringing… ♪

[Karen] Yeah, no, my dad’s great.

Um, we’re super close.

But he moved out to California a bunch of years ago when he got remarried, so…

And what about your mom?

No, she did not remarry, and she’s, like, barely dated, since she and my dad split up.

I think she thinks like no man

is good enough for her.

[chuckles] Or for me, for that matter.

Noted.

[chuckles] Yeah, well…

Okay, I am her only child, so she can just be a little overprotective.

What about you?

Brothers? Sisters?

Uh, yeah, I’ve got a younger sister,

Patty the Perfect.

Hmm.

Not perfect, far from it.

Uh, no, she’s like we couldn’t be more unlike each other.

Our whole lives, all we did was fight.

Which, usually with me, on the losing end of one of her right hooks.

Wait, so you would actually fight, like, with your fist?

[laughs] Yeah, yeah.

During, uh, the summers, when we stayed with our dad, we had this family tradition where, uh, anytime he heard us screaming at each other, he’d ring a bell, grab a pair of boxing gloves, and then we’d duke it out in the back.

[Karen laughs] And might I add, you know, it takes a hell of a man to admit that, uh, his sister used to kick his ass.

So you’re more of a lover than a fighter.

That’s kind of your excuse.

Well, it’s not really an excuse.

It’s, um… more of a… badge of honor.

[Karen] Really?

Yeah.

[Karen] Hmm.

We’ll see about that.

[romantic song continues]

[both gasp]

Holy Christmas.

[whispers] I know, right?

What the hell was that?

I don’t know.

Have you ever felt anything like that before?

[Tommy] Nuh-huh.

[Karen] Me neither.

Okay. I’m just gonna say this now.

I’m not looking for a boyfriend.

And I’m not looking for a girlfriend.

Far from it. I got a career I gotta worry about.

I mean, should I just move across the country to pursue my dream?

I can’t be tied down to any additional… passions.

So we’re on the same page.

This is not going anywhere serious.

No, just us having fun.

Okay, cool.

That’s a relief…

But I just want to make sure you felt that too, right?

[quirky music playing]

[both whispering] Fuck.

[Tommy] You know… [scoffs] maybe love isn’t such a crazy notion. Everybody seems to speak so highly of it. Why couldn’t you give it a shot? Just give it a shot. Just lean into it, have fun. No, wait, wait, wait.

What are you saying?

What are you saying? Are you saying you might be in love with this girl? No! No, no, no. Let’s not get carried away. That’s not what I’m saying.

[Tommy] Hey, Dad. You home?

[Barry] Yeah.

In the living room with your uncle.

Yo.

Hey.

So…

[beating on counter] Last night…

I just had the best date of my life, hands down.

Yeah, well, your sweater’s on inside out.

And backwards.

I mean, I just never felt anything like this before, and I got to admit, it’s a little unsettling.

I mean, these are uncharted waters for me.

Tell us all about it.

Yeah, well, I wish I could.

I don’t even know where to start.

I mean, as I’ve said before, I don’t believe in fate or destiny or true love or any of that bullshit.

But this?

I mean, this was intense.

[chuckles] I’m kind of embarrassed for myself

just talking about it.

Yeah, sweet fucking Jesus.

You should be embarrassed.

Listen to yourself.

I know. Fuck. [laughs] Guys, the language, please.

And Barry, with the Lord’s name in vain into the bargain.

My bad, my bad.

I forgot we got the Holy Roller living with us now.

Patrick, I will do my best while you’re here in the house to watch my language.

Cross my heart and swear to fucking Chris… topher.

[Barry, Tommy laugh] It’s not funny.

It’s not funny at all.

No, no, it’s not.

You know who else isn’t laughing?

Who?

God.

Thomas, don’t listen to your foulmouthed, cynical father.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Being lovestruck is an affliction many a McMullen has suffered from.

[sighs] Yours truly included.

And this character here, I might add.

I’m happy to see it’s being passed on.

Another romantic keeping the dream alive.

[cell phone vibrating]

Hold on. It’s just…

Ooh, it’s her.

Hello?

[Karen] Hey, how’s it going?

Never better. Telling my father and my uncle about you.

Oh, no way, because I was actually just telling my mother about you.

And she thinks that maybe you might be related to this guy that she used to date.

I didn’t date him.

Is your dad’s name Barry?

[Tommy on phone]

Sadly, yes. It is.

Dad. You, uh, dated her mother.

Really?

What’s her name?

What’s her name?

Nina Martin.

Nina Martin.

Nina Martin?

Are you shitting me? Really?

Hey, hey.

He’s coming over here.

Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

Yep.

[whispers]

Tell her I say hello.

He says hello.

Um, he says hello.

Hello, Barry.

Ooh-ooh! And she’s kinda blushing in her clip right now,

which I’m honestly loving.

[softly] I’m not. Stop!

Um, but I hope this doesn’t change the way you feel about me.

Oh, no, not at all.

I think it’s really funny.

Yeah, me too. Okay, cool.

Um, so, we still on for Saturday night?

Yeah, definitely.

Um, I’ll see you then.

[Tommy] Great.

I will see you then, too, yeah.

Okay, bye.

How incredible is this?

What are the chances of that?

So what are… Who are you?

We were friends in high school.

Okay. Cool.

And then…

And then, again in college.

Really?

You dated him?

I did not date him.

For how long?

I didn’t date him.

Yeah, there were a couple of times, actually. In our 20s.

A couple of times?

Okay, what were you doing?

Just boinking on the rag in the ’90s?

Who do you think I am?

And then, yeah, I guess after she got divorced, it was…

And then after your mother…

Dad, oh, no!

What are you, fuck buddies?

Oh my God, we were friends.

You were friends?

We were friends.

You were friends who got naked together with…

[playful muffled vocalization]

Then why would you put it like that?

We were friends, all right?

Let’s just leave it at that.

Okay.

I’m walking away.

Mom!

[Nina] I’m walking away.

I wanna hear about your sex-capades.

Ew!

Do I have to worry that this is gonna become weird

between the two of you?

No, no, no, not at all.

It was a long time ago, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Nothing to worry about.

All right, because I really like this girl.

So just, just please behave yourself.

Okay?

What do you take me for?

Come on.

[softly] Can you believe that?

Nina Martin!

It’s fantastic news.

I know what you’re thinking.

And you’re a sick and demented individual.

You heard what he said.

He really likes this girl.

He doesn’t need you mucking that up.

Mucking?

Okay, how much longer do you need to stay here?

[pleasant music playing]

[Barry] Oh, there he is.

How you doing, Sam?

[laughs] Hey, Mr. McMullen.

Listen, I gotta apologize, man.

I-I wish I could make it last week.

My sister’s got me running around

like a madman.

Are you kidding me?

You’re doing me a huge favor, all right?

Come on, get in here.

[Sam] Is it upstairs?

Yeah.

Right this way, my man.

Anybody in here?

[Patty] It’s open.

I hate to be a bother, but I finally got the plumber.

He’s here to fix the sink.

Are you almost done in here?

Now I am.

Sam. Patty. Patty. Sam.

Give me a holler if you need me.

Thanks. Mr. McMullen.

Sorry. I’ll be out of here in just a sec.

I don’t know if you heard your father.

I-I’m Sam.

Sam Dukakis.

Geez, Patty, you’re breaking my heart over here.

You don’t remember me?

[Sam] I used to live down the street.

We used to play around the block when you and your brother came for the summers.

That’s right. Hey.

[mouth full] How long has it been? Must be losing it.

Afraid so.

We made out once, didn’t we?

Mrs. Warren’s backyard?

Playing spin-the-bottle.

Summer before high school?

Summer before high school.

Yeah, yeah.

Highlight of my summer.

But, uh, I mean, it was more of a kiss than a full-blown make-out.

One might call it a peck.

Remember you weren’t feeling too good?

You had an upset, “burp” stomach or something?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Wonderful memories.

Now I remember.

Now I’m gonna let you get to work.

It’s the sink, but… you knew that.

[chuckles softly]

[exciting music playing]

[softly] Okay.

[shudders softly]

[Patty] Dad?

We got a problem. Do you know who that is up there?

Uh, yeah.

I called him, remember?

[Patty] It’s Sam Dukakis from up the street.

We used to play together when we were kids?

Do you know that?

You mean he’s a really handsome, super nice, charming guy who used to live on the block with his three crazy sisters?

Yeah, it kind of rings a bell a little bit.

[scoffs]

I still can’t believe it’s him.

You don’t understand.

I had the biggest crush on him.

Every summer, when we’d come to stay with you, we’d hang out on the block with him and all of his friends, and well… [chuckles softly] everyone would ignore me because I was such a dork.

Except for him.

So, uh, what’s the problem?

Well, he was the first boy I ever kissed.

Again, failing to see the problem.

I threw up on him.

That’s a problem.

So, what was his deal?

Terrible kisser? Bad breath?

No, we were playing spin-the-bottle, and someone brought beer, and, well, never played.

Spin-the-bottle before, never drank beer before.

Hindsight, I probably should have had the beer after the kiss.

Yeah, and I probably should have been paying more attention to what you kids were doing

when you stayed here.

[chuckles softly] So what are you gonna do?

Maybe you should go back up there and have a little conversation maybe?

Why would I do that?

Because you just said you had a crush on him, and you are now single.

That was 15 years ago.

And I’m not single.

We’re on a break.

What do you think Terrence Joseph is doing right now, huh?

You think he’s home pining for you?

Or do you think maybe he’s out “plotting” his next experience?

I should go back up there.

[Barry] Pats, before you go.

Maybe grab a cup of coffee.

It’ll look a little less obvious.

Good thinking.

[chuckles softly]

[Patty] Wow, okay. For once, your father’s absolutely right. Terrence Joseph is probably out there right now, having… [inhales] another experience. So, you know what? Fuck him.

[Patty clears throat]

Hi.

[Patty] Hey.

Uh, my dad made coffee.

I just wanted to see if you wanted some.

Yes, thank you!

Uh, I’m actually…

Perfect timing. I’m done.

Great.

You wanna come try it for yourself?

Oh, sure. Uh, here.

Here.

Thanks.

Sure.

Yeah.

[Patty] Sure.

Ah! Good as new. [chuckles] So I know it’s a bit overdue, but I just wanted to apologize for that night way back when with the hurl.

Don’t worry about it.

[chuckles]

Yeah, you gave me a great first kiss story.

And, uh, I was guaranteed never to forget you.

Really? It was your first kiss too?

Because, well, it was mine as well.

Yeah, well, it wasn’t much of a kiss though, was it?

No! [laughs] No, I guess it wasn’t.

Uh, it was kind of over before it began.

[chuckles] Well, look, I can tell you’re real broken up about it, so if you wanted to make it up to me…

Let me take you out.

What? Like, on a date?

Yeah. Like, on a date.

Is that…

Is that crazy to ask?

Are you prejudiced against plumbers?

[laughs] No, it’s just…

It’s, it’s complicated, because…

You know what? I’d love to.

I would love to go on a date with you.

All right.

Great.

It’s a date.

[laughs] It’s a date.

[sighs] Cool.

[Barry] Hey, Patty! Hey, Sam!

You guys should be finished up, huh?

Uh… [laughs] Coming, Dad!

I’m gonna… I’m gonna go.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I’ll see, um…

Ovilia. Saturday, 8 o’clock.

All right?

Yes.

There you go.

See you then.

Yeah.

Bye.

[chuckles] Bye.

Tell me more about you and Leslie.

Well, we got together right after you and I broke up and drove out to California.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All that, I know.

You didn’t wanna work for my father.

You hated the sweaters.

You ran off to California.

I got all that. No.

Tell me when you think she fell out of love with you.

Whoa.

Kinda getting deep here.

I thought we were just coming for a lighthearted chat and a muffin.

[chuckles] Spent a lot of time with Dr. Sal, huh?

No, I… If I’m honest…

Fifteen years ago.

She wanted to stay in California.

We moved back east because I thought the kids should be near their family.

But how do you feel now that, that chapter of your life is over?

Your kids are out of the house, you’re single for the first time in almost 30 years.

Some people may feel liberated.

I know I did.

Liberated? [chuckles] No.

I feel scared, I feel alone…

I feel confused.

But mostly…

I feel sad.

[sighs]

I just sound like the most emotional basket case.

Ugh! Holy shit.

[scoffs] Aunt Molly, this one’s even worse.

Oh, my God!

You’re such a priss.

I am so glad you’re going on this date.

I’m not sure I can do this.

You can.

You’re gonna look fantastic, but you must get rid of those loafers.

No, it’s not the dress, what little there is of it.

It’s just this whole thing.

[Molly] What whole thing?

You’re going out to dinner.

That’s it.

If you don’t wanna do anything else, you just come straight home.

But you can’t stand him up.

Especially if he’s a nice guy.

He is a very nice guy.

Good! We love nice!

[chuckles]

Not too nice, though.

You know what I mean?

Like Terrence Joseph?

You don’t want nice to a fault.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, look, you take one look at that guy, you know, you’ve got a Sheldon on your hands.

I’m not sure I follow.

“Do it to me, Sheldon.

You’re an animal, Sheldon.

Ride me, big Sheldon.”

True or untrue?

No idea what you’re talking about.

Really?

When Harry met Sally?

No?

Mmmmmm…

Oh, my God.

This makes me feel so old.

[chuckles]

All right, let me ask you this…

Sex with Terrence Joseph.

Terrible, right?

No. [chuckles] No?

All right. I’m gonna tell you something else that you don’t know, besides a classic scene from a classic movie.

The walls in my apartment are very thin.

That weekend you guys spent the night?

I got some pertinent information that will refute your claim.

Meaning what?

You were listening to us?

No. But I was trying to…

Oh!

And I heard nothing.

Well, did you ever think we were trying to be quiet

so that we didn’t wake you?

Doesn’t work like that.

Nope. Don’t buy it.

Nope. No, no chance.

Loud sex is what happens when it’s good sex.

I would have at least heard you repressing the sounds of your passion.

I heard nothing.

[scoffs] Which is what makes me even more excited for you with this date, and lets me know you’ve gotta get laid.

What? No, no, no!

Gotta do it. Gotta do it.

No! I was engaged a month ago.

How am I supposed to just jump into bed with someone else?

It didn’t stop Terrence Joseph, did it?

[Barry] Hey, my guy.

Hey.

I got a beer and I got a question.

You got a minute?

Yeah. For you, of course.

Beautiful.

So look, man, I just wanted to… you know, check in with you and see how everything is going with that new girl of yours.

Oh, yeah.

Karen? Yeah.

Things are going pretty great.

We got a big date tonight.

She’s taking me dancing.

Dancing?

You dancing?

Yeah. Me dancing.

Yeah. She takes these ballroom dance lessons at her church with all these old people.

They got their Christmas party tonight, so…

Yeah, well, you know that the McMullens are not really known for their dancing skills.

So if you do really like this girl, you might wanna rethink that plan. You know

what I’m saying, pal?

Don’t worry about me, Dad.

I got the moves.

So, uh…

Is this what you really wanted to talk to me about?

Check on how Karen and I are doing.

Uh, kind of, sort of.

I mean, really, here’s what I’m thinking.

I-I’m just wondering, if maybe… you happen to have Karen’s mother’s phone number by chance. Maybe.

Right…

No.

I do not have her mother’s phone number.

And even if I did, I wouldn’t give it to you.

I don’t understand the hostility.

She’s an old friend.

I can’t say hello?

I can’t reconnect?

Dad, I’m telling you right now, you are not going anywhere near her mother.

You are not starting this shit up again.

What do you suggest I do if she happens to get in touch with me because it’s a possibility?

I don’t know.

You ignore it.

[Barry] I ignore her?

You want me to be rude to her?

You want me to ghost her?

Yeah, it might be a little rude to her, but you’d be very respectful to me.

So please, Dad.

Make the right call.

[sighs]

[Barry] Christ.

If she reaches out to me, I might have to call her back.

I’m just saying.

Do you know what Molly wants to talk about with us today?

[cell phone chimes]

It’s always nice getting to see her, don’t you think?

And if you hadn’t noticed, I’m making apple pie, my man. [sighs] Mom’s special recipe.

And I had Tommy go out and pick up a bottle of your favorite.

You know, it really is rude for you to sit there on your phone and pretend you don’t hear me.

Oh, I’m sorry.

But, uh, what is it in our experience together…

In our 22 years of sharing a bedroom, our 50plus years of being brothers and now our one month of you living here with me makes you think I would give a shit…

[laughing] whether or not I’m being rude to you?

[Patrick] Okay. [sighs]

Well, then maybe I’ll just set the table for two, and you can fend for yourself.

Okay. Do me a favor and do what you want, because I have got to go anyhow.

You’re not gonna believe who I was just texting with.

Nina Martin.

She says I gotta get over to her place right now, and not to delay.

Barry, please!

I’ve gone to all this trouble.

Call her and tell her you’ll see her tomorrow.

Consider it a gift to me.

[laughing] A gift to you?

I’m letting you live in my basement, and now I’m gonna give you another gift?

By the way, thank you very much for the wine.

Yeah, that is my favorite.

It’d be rude to go over there empty handed, anyway.

Oh, it’d be rude to her!

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it would be.

Hey, do me a favor.

Do not wait up for me because you never know.

I may not be home tonight!

You know, it’s wrong to treat people like this!

Especially family!

[door closes] Maybe I won’t be here when you get back, Romeo!

[doorbell chimes]

I’m coming.

[pleasant music playing]

[softly] Okay.

[humming tune]

Hi.

Wow.

Can I just say that time has been kind?

‘Cause you still look fucking amazing.

Very nice mouth, Barry.

But thank you. Thank you.

Is that…

Very nice.

I’m not gonna come over here empty handed.

All right, follow me.

Close the door.

[Nina] So, I’m sure you know why I wanted to meet with you.

Yes, I do.

And I just want to let you know that I am single and very much interested.

Wow. Okay. So, you…

You have not changed a bit.

Okay, no. [scoffs]

Why would I?

No, I-I…

I actually want to discuss the situation that we find ourselves in.

It just feels like we’re…

What are…

[sighs]

How are you?

I’m really good. How are you?

What are you doing?

I’m just getting comfortable.

Barry…

It’s like old times.

Yes, it is. Can you please go sit over there?

Just go sit over there.

Okay.

I will be over here if you need me.

[Nina] I just want to start by saying I am not in favor of this romance, and I hope that you are not as well.

Look, I really don’t think it matters what we think, because they don’t give a shit. All right?

They’re adults now and they’re gonna do what they want.

And I think the more you protest, I think you’re just gonna add fuel to the fire.

I don’t believe that for a second.

I don’t. Karen absolutely cares what I think.

I don’t know.

Tommy says they’re crazy about one another, and I kind of think that’s something that we should be celebrating.

Ah! So you approve of this?

It’s not my place to approve or disapprove.

When it comes to my kids and their love lives, with the exception of my daughter, of course, I just stay the fuck out of it.

You stay out of it. No.

That’s the opposite of my parenting philosophy.

I get right in there so I can ensure that I get what I want.

But I don’t understand.

Why are you so against this?

Unless, of course, you think it might get a little awkward, given our history?

[Nina] Yeah. I mean, that’s the whole point.

I mean, God forbid.

Come on, Barry, if…

If it gets serious, then we’re gonna have to see each other all the time.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that and I gotta admit, it’s very exciting to me.

But as it relates to the kids, I think maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves, ’cause I think it’s only been a couple of dates, right?

I’ve heard the way she talks about him.

It’s not good, Barry.

Well, look, I mean, I would no sooner tell Tommy who he could date than I would tell you what I’ve been thinking about since I walked in the door.

I know what you’ve been thinking.

And I think you’d find it flattering.

Really?

And if you want, I could, maybe join you on the couch again and whisper it in your ear?

Oh, you want to come back over here?

I mean, I think it could be a good idea.

I think you should stay over there.

Hello?

Sorry, I’m late.

[Patrick] Hey, no worries.

Hi.

And I will apologize on Barry’s behalf because I know he wouldn’t think to.

He made other plans.

Oh. It’s just us?

Yeah, unless one of the kids comes back early.

Well, I can’t stick around for too long, but I do plan to come back to see Patty because I expect a full report from that girl.

Yeah, well…

I will probably not be here by that time.

Oh. What, you got a hot date?

I am moving out.

There’s only so long I can stay under the same roof with Barry.

[laughs]

Oh, gosh. [sighs] Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk to you about.

I… [sighs] I’m thinking I might stay at our old house in the meantime, if it’s all right with you.

I know you don’t have a tenant right now. You said, right?

Well, I was gonna talk to you and Barry, both, today about that, because I think I wanna sell the house.

Sell the house?

W-Why…

Why would you wanna sell the house?

Well, I don’t live there anymore.

You know, I haven’t lived there for 20 years.

But… It’s our family home.

All our family memories are there.

You… You sell the house, all those are gone.

I know, but I gotta be honest, for me… between Jack’s infidelity, and his battle with cancer, it just…

They’re not great memories.

So Barry doesn’t know about this?

No. I was gonna tell both of you today.

[sighs] He won’t care.

Man has no heart.

Hey, why don’t I just buy the house?

Why don’t you just buy the house?

[Patrick] Yeah! Right.

Problem solved.

[laughs]

But wait a minute.

Does this mean, really, it’s just done with Leslie?

No chance of reconciliation?

[Patrick] No. That’s done.

It’s for the best.

And frankly, I just wish I would have seen it earlier.

The writing was on the wall, loud and clear for years.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

All in caps.

♪ When the bells all ring

And the horns all blow ♪

♪ And the couples we know

Are fondly kissing ♪

♪ Will I be with you ♪

♪ Or will I be among

The missing? ♪

♪ Maybe it’s much too early

In the game ♪

♪ Ah, but I thought I’d ask you

Just the same… ♪

[door thuds]

[chuckles] Sorry.

[indistinct conversation]

Hi.

[chuckles]

Hi!

[Sam] Hey!

There she is.

How you doing?

[Patty] Good.

Uh, is this okay?

Yeah. It’s perfect.

All right, I’ll take your coat.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Wow. Uh…

I gotta say, you look incredible

in that dress.

Oh… [chuckles] Uh…

My aunt lent it to me.

Personally I think it’s a little much, but she insisted I wear it tonight.

Oh, no, no. She’s…

She’s right on the money.

Yeah.

[both chuckle] So, how are you?

I’m great. Honestly.

I mean, I’m…

I’m with you on a date.

I… What could be better?

[chuckles] You know?

What about you?

I’m good.

But… But… [sighs] There’s something I need to tell you before this goes any further.

And you might think I’m a terrible person, but I just really think it’s best to be honest.

You know? After all those years of Catholic school.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I get it.

Twelve years of Catholic school myself.

I understand your pain.

Oh, good.

I’ll just spit it out.

[waitress] Can I start you two off with some drinks?

Uh, I’d love a glass of cab, please.

Two.

Thank you.

Thanks.

So… [clears throat] Sorry, you were saying?

I can’t see you after tonight.

Wow, I screwed this up real fast, didn’t I?

[Patty laughs]

[stammers] Why not?

Well, I’m kind of engaged.

Well, I was engaged, and then my fiancé wanted to take a break.

Well, a trial separation for a month or so.

And that month is up… tomorrow.

[Sam] Hold on, Hold on.

You’re getting back together with your ex-fiancé tomorrow?

Yeah. [chuckles] That’s the plan.

[chuckles] Patty, what?

What are you doing going out with me then?

[inhales deeply]

That is a long, complicated story.

But basically, he wanted to sleep with other women and he did.

And now that he got it out of his system, it made him realize how much he loves me.

Now that he got it out of his system.

Wow.

See, I don’t know if you’re fully aware of this, but your ex… he’s an asshole.

Yeah.

That’s kind of how I felt when he first hatched the plan.

Oh. Great timing. [chuckles]

[Sam] Thank you.

All right. Wait a minute.

Y-You’re not getting off that easy.

You gotta answer the question.

What are you doing on a date with me in that dress when you’re getting back with your ex tomorrow?

Well… the deal was we were both supposed to have an experience.

[Sam] Oh… And that’s me?

[chuckles] Afraid so.

You’re not gonna help me with this, are you?

Look, I’m sorry.

I can’t just… I can’t get down with that plan, because if the kids were to break up…

Uh-huh…

That means there’s a very good chance I would never see you again and, uh…

I just don’t like the thought of that.

Yeah, that’s the idea, Einstein.

[imitates Brooklyn accent]

That’s what we’re doing here.

All right. Well, look, if nothing else, this little reunion was pretty great after all this time.

Yeah.

Yeah, it really was.

Yeah.

I liked it.

It’s good to see you.

You too.

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

I can read your mind, Barry.

[sighs] Again, I can…

Yes and no… No, no.

The answer is no. [laughs] Well, look, you know, you seem to forget the fact that I could always read your mind as well.

Mmm…

And right now, in this moment, I know exactly what you are thinking.

Oh, God.

Okay, fuck it.

Fuck it.

[Barry chuckles]

Mmm… Aiyaiyai.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You know what?

This is crazy. It’s crazy.

[sighs] Our kids…

I know. I know. You’re right.

You’re right. You’re right.

I got one question.

Yes?

Is the bedroom upstairs?

Yes, the bedroom is upstairs.

Yeah, because I have this kind of romantic notion that I might pick you up and carry you there like I used to.

But my back is a mess.

I slipped a disc playing hoop and I’m just afraid…

Okay. Yeah.

I have a bad hip, so…

All right, so that kind of levels the playing field.

Totally. We’re even.

So, what do you think?

I think you should go up the stairs before I change my mind.

Let’s do it.

I’m right behind you.

[dance music playing]

♪ Captured effortlessly ♪

♪ That’s the way it was ♪

♪ Happened so naturally ♪

♪ I did not know it was love ♪

♪ The next thing I felt

Was you ♪

♪ Holdin’ me close… ♪

Seriously, dude, you’re gonna make me cry.

I’m like this close to losing it.

Cry? Why are you gonna cry?

That was beautiful.

I know.

But guys aren’t supposed to be cute and funny and charming like you.

And they’re definitely not supposed to be able to dance like that.

What about you?

I’ve never met anyone who’s so sweet and tough and gorgeous and nasty and makes me want to spend every second with her.

Wait, what the fuck?

I thought we talked about this.

No mushy relationship shit.

I’m sorry.

[chuckles] I can’t help myself.

You got me saying all the things I thought I’d never want to say.

I know. It’s terrible.

Wait, what kind of things?

Don’t make me say it.

Because I’m so in love with you, I will say it.

Did you actually just tell me that you are in love with me?

Do you want me to repeat it?

No.

[Karen] Mm…

But I would like to take this time to tell you that…

I love you, too.

Really? Because I’m so crazy about you.

I’ve been meaning to tell you since that first night we met.

I know. I felt it, too.

And you know what’s even worse?

What?

I actually got butterflies.

No. [chuckling] We are so fucked!

[percussive music playing]

[Sam] Hey, I hope this is okay.

Sorry, that’s all I got.

Oh.

[both chuckle]

Thanks.

There you go.

Thank you.

To, uh…

To an experience.

[chuckles]

Cheers.

Cheers. [chuckles] So you’re sure you’re okay with this?

You don’t feel like I’m just using you?

I am. Yeah.

And I do, because you are.

But for you?

I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

[sighs]

[Sam] Mm… [chuckles]

[chuckles] What?

Wow. Okay, hold on.

Are you sure? You sure you’re okay with this?

You seem a little…

Nervous?

Yeah. And a little awkward.

[chuckles]

I’m a little out of practice.

And terrified.

You’re not gonna throw up again on me, are you?

Should I get a bucket?

Very funny.

[laughs]

No. I’m just… not used to this.

But the thing is, you know, it’s just, my Aunt Molly at Thanksgiving, she said this thing to Terrence Joseph about, you know, trying to… hook up with other girls, and he was, like, “Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.”

And I was kind of like, “No.”

But here I am, and it’s… kind of feeling like a good idea.

But it also feels weird.

Patty…

So, I don’t… [chuckles]

Patty…

Patty!

Yeah… [chuckles nervously] We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Okay?

Listen.

[sighs] I’ve liked you since the seventh grade.

So we could just sit here and talk and hang out.

I’m just happy you’re here.

[chuckles] That’s really sweet.

But no, we’re doing this.

Take your shirt off.

My shirt?

Yep.

Yeah.

[Sam clears throat]

Mmhmm.

That helps.

[giggles]

I’m taking you to the bedroom.

[laughs]

Can I ask you how well did you and Jack know each other?

You know, when we were all working together?

Not very, and he was a football coach.

I was a tennis coach.

[chuckles] Right.

Not a lot of overlap.

No. No.

And a little bit of judgment, too, if I recall.

And if I’m being honest, I don’t think that he thought I was very cool.

[gasps]

Shows what he knows.

Nothing.

[Molly laughs] Nothing.

See? He always did have terrible fucking judgment.

[chuckles]

You see, when he had that affair, obviously I was upset with him.

But over the years, I got upset with myself.

So I’m, like, “Why did I just forgive him and let him stay?”

Well, a couple of Catholic kids like us, we were taught that divorce is a sin.

There’s no amendment to that rule.

Divorce is fine, lest your husband cheats.

See, looking back, that’s when I should have bailed on the church.

Because then I would have no problem…

[chuckling] kicking his cheating ass out the door.

Hey, I get that.

Thank you.

Can I make a confession?

Oh, boy. Here we go.

No, no, no.

I always thought that way back then, just before you and Jack got together when you first got to school, I always thought there might be something between us.

Oh, you did, huh?

Yeah.

I did, too.

And you blew it.

I blew it?

Yeah.

I blew it? How did I blow it?

I thought we had, like, a little flirtation.

And then, remember that day?

I had just finished coaching soccer, I was walking to the train station and you pull over and you picked me up

and you took me home.

Yeah.

Not unlike the other day.

I remember, we sat in my car and we talked for almost an hour.

But how did I blow it?

I was giving you so many signals and flirting and flashing green lights and doing everything I knew…

[laughing] how to do…

And you just… Nothing.

You didn’t try to kiss me or anything.

Oh, believe me, I wanted to.

And you didn’t.

Yeah.

I didn’t know how to make the first move.

I wasn’t so smooth back then.

Oh… Oh, I see.

How about now?

How about now what?

Am I smoother?

Or do I want to kiss you?

We know that you’re not smoother.

Oh…

So…

The girl pulls no punches…

[laughs]

I’m gonna make it easier for you.

[Tommy] How about this frickin’ view?

[Karen chuckles]

See, this is another reason I’m glad we live on this side of the river.

Wow, you are way too proud of your Brooklyn roots.

No. No such thing as too proud.

You know what me and my friends used to say

when we were growing up?

No. What?

We wake up every morning, we thank God we’re from Brooklyn.

Aww…

You know what I thanked God for this morning?

Whoa!

No, we talked about this.

Well…

You’re about to say something mushy, aren’t you?

I thought we made a deal!

I thanked God I met you.

Tommy, that… that is not fair!

We were on the same page!

Ha!

Ugh!

But if you’re gonna play dirty,

I can play dirty, too.

Bring it, dirty girl.

Okay, so you know how I said that I didn’t want a boyfriend, and then now you’ve gone and opened the floodgates with all this love talk?

Well, now I’m gonna take it to the next level.

Oh, yeah?

I’m gonna do something kind of crazy.

[inhales deeply]

Can you deal with crazy?

Um, if it’s crazy with you, I think I can go as loco as you need me to.

[gasps]

[squeals] Is this crazy enough for you?

I said, bring it!

[both chuckle]

Thomas Tonelli McKenna McMullen.

Mmhmm.

I never even wanted a boyfriend before, let alone a husband.

But I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life.

So, yeah. Fuck it.

Do you want to marry me?

Absolutely.

[both laugh]

Hmm…

[Tommy] Maybe try the pinky?

Yeah.

[Tommy] Oh…

I look like an old school mafioso.

I feel like frigging Henry Hill!

[chuckles]

Karen, why did you do that?

[laughs] Karen, that was all the money that we had.

Why did you do that?

I’m sorry, Henry!

[imitates crying] They were gonna find it anyway, Henry!

[both laugh]

Karen!

I’m sorry! I’m sorry.

You’re funny.

Funny, how?

Funny like a clown?

[romantic music playing]

[smooching]

We’re in trouble now, huh?

I think we are, buddy, old pal.

Listen, ever since I quit smoking a little ice cream after sex…

Mm.

Perfection.

Oh, you’ll get no complaint out of me.

Let me smoke a cigar later, and this will be as good a night as I have had in years.

Ah, you’re an easy man to please, Barry.

Unlike you, right?

What?

[laughing]

I… [wheezes] I didn’t take that long.

I’m not talking about that.

[Nina] Oh.

Here’s what I don’t understand.

How is it that a great looking, successful chick like you lives all alone in this big, beautiful house?

Maybe it’s by choice.

Is it?

Yes. I’m very content in my life.

I am.

I just, you know…

[inhales]

haven’t figured out some of that other life shit.

What shit is that?

Uh, relationships, marriage… that kind of thing.

Man. Well, I am hardly one to talk in those departments, either.

But what about your daughter?

I mean, you clearly must have done a great job there.

Yeah.

I mean, the kid must be extremely sharp if she recognizes what a catch my son is.

[laughs] Yeah, well.

It’s the one thing I did right.

I’m so proud of her.

Which is why as…

As nice as this was, and this was…

This was… It was fantastic.

Fantastic.

Uh, I don’t know.

I don’t think I’m a fan of their relationship.

Look, I don’t think we really have anything to worry about.

It’s been a couple of dates.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

[woman whistling]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That’s Karen.

[whistling]

Whoa!

You don’t wanna just knock?

No, no, no.

This drives her crazy.

[whistling]

Hi, Mama.

[Nina] Hey.

Can’t you ring the doorbell like a normal person?

Well, if I ring the bell at this hour, you’re probably not gonna answer it now, would you?

But if I whistle, then you know it’s me.

Okay, now that I know that it’s you.

What do you want, sweetie?

Um, we have news.

What kind of news?

Pretty big news.

Like I need to go downstairs and open the door news?

Or you can tell me from here?

Uh, I don’t know. I guess it depends if you think that getting engaged is big news.

What did you go and do?

Karen! Why did you do that?

I’m sorry.

[Tommy] Why did you do that?

[laughs] Karen…

Remember that from Goodfellas?

Why would you be engaged?

Because we’re in love.

“In love” is not a reason to get engaged.

What the hell did you just say?

[shushes] Stay very quiet.

[Karen] Mom, what’s going on?

Um, it was the cat. What…

[Karen] Wait.

What’s going on up there?

Mom, are you with somebody?

No. No.

[Karen] Yes.

Oh, my God, you are.

Who is it?

Sweetheart, stop changing the subject.

I wanna talk to you.

Yes, ma’am.

Do you have your key?

Yeah.

Then why did you whistle?

Get in the house.

Bye. [squeals]

Bye.

[Nina] You’re drunk.

Get in the house.

I am! [chuckles] Oh, my God. What a disaster.

What are we gonna do?

I don’t see what the big deal is.

They’re fucking engaged!

Hey, look, if you are incapable of dealing with them right now, I could go down there and talk to them, if you like.

I mean, after all, he is my son, right?

No, you stay right there and you keep your mouth shut.

Okay, so, just to clarify, you want me to stay here until they leave?

Oh, my God.

Enough with the jokes.

Seriously!

[both panting]

Was that okay?

Uh-huh.

You sure?

Yeah.

[both chuckle] Gotta admit it. [chuckles] I had no idea it could be like that.

Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty off the charts, wasn’t it?

[chuckles]

Probably get some wisecracks from my neighbors

across the street.

Why?

Was I loud? [gasps]

[laughing] No, stop…

I was loud!

[laughs]

I wasn’t even aware!

It’s nothing to be embarrassed of.

Listen, you know, just…

Just don’t be surprised if you get some funny looks on Flatbush Avenue tomorrow.

That’s all.

[laughs] You know… [sighs] I…

I’ve never really done anything like this before.

And it was wonderful.

It was. I…

I’m just not really sure of the protocol and I’m thinking I should, I should probably go.

What? No. No. [chuckles] Patty, you don’t…

You don’t need to go.

I really think I should.

You know, I’ve got a lot going on up here right now.

Primarily confusion, and a healthy dose of Catholic guilt.

I should really work it all out.

[stutters and sighs]

Okay. Okay. Well, um…

Look, if you wake up tomorrow, and you decide your fiancé’s too much of an asshole to commit the rest of your life to…

Uh, give me a call, ’cause I’d love to take you out again.

[sighs]

Really?

I gotta go.

It’s the kitchen.

[quirky music playing]

Pat…

[door slams]

[woman clears throat]

[mashing on button]

[sighs in exasperation]

[chuckles] Oh…

You’re still there.

Uh…

I’m just gonna take the stairs.

Have a nice night.

Yeah, I’d wish you the same but from the sounds of things, I’d say you already had one.

[chuckles] You have no idea.

[chuckles]

Uh, you have proven that you are irresponsible… and impetuous.

[Karen] And incredible.

And irresistible.

And clearly immature.

What is the plan?

No plan… yet.

But we just know that we wanna be together forever.

Mm… Okay. You know, you could have shook on it.

Made a pinky promise.

Moved in together.

You don’t get engaged.

I’m sorry, Mom, but this is actually my life.

And we are in love with each other.

[Nina laughs] Oh, okay.

I’m sure it’s somewhat shocking to you, Nina, but it’s equally shocking to the both of us.

Neither one of us was looking for a relationship.

But then we both got hit with the most incredible feeling at the exact same time, and afterwards we’re…

[inhales deeply]

looking at each other, and we just knew something… something extraordinary was going on.

[Nina] Guys…

Do you know what that’s called?

What

That’s called a simultaneous orgasm.

Also, it just means you’re hot for one another.

You’re two good-looking young people who obviously had a great time in the sack.

Newsflash: It’s gonna fade!

And more importantly, just because you young people had some amazing sex does not mean that you get married!

[soft thud]

For crying out loud.

Grow up. [scoffs] Nice shirt, Mom.

[Nina] Thank you.

Like a Christmas present.

[somber music playing]

Okay, you know, we can just hope that she comes around.

But seeing things from other people’s perspective, namely mine, is not really her strong suit.

Wait a second.

I know this wine.

[somber music continues]

[Patty] What the hell did you just do? Yes, it was fun and eye-opening. No. No. But that’s not you.

You’re not… that girl.

[sighs]

I guess that’s what you deserve for listening to your sex-crazed aunt.

[Molly] Patty, is that you?

I’m going to bed.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

I waited up for you.

Tell me all about it.

Oh, my God. Look at you!

The dress, the shoes!

I knew it.

Did you?

Did you also know that you would screw up my life plan when you told Terrence Joseph that he needed more sexual experiences?

And did you also know that your advice to hook up with some other dude would totally confuse the shit out of me?

Because… I just had one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had.

And now I’m just supposed to get back together with Terrence Joseph tomorrow?

Did you know all that too?

Wait, wait, wait.

Go back to the middle part.

That part about the amazing experience?

Tell me about that.

[Patty scoffs] No!

I’m not telling you anything ever again.

I don’t want any more advice, any more dresses, any more anything.

I just want things to go back to the way they were.

[Molly] I’m sorry, Patty, sweetie.

You’re gonna thank me some day. Trust me.

[quirky music playing]

[sighs]

[Patrick] Oh, this is a blessing. Back in the old neighborhood.

The old block. Your childhood home. Some people might say this is a step backwards, my man, but I think this is gonna be the start of a great new chapter. Who says you can’t go home again?

Hey, Dad, you up here?

[Barry] Yeah, I’m in the bedroom.

You’re a frigging jerk, you know that?

[Barry] What?

A real freaking jerk.

What is going on?

What the hell did I do now?

[Tommy] Are you serious?

You slept with Karen’s mother last night?

And please don’t deny it, okay?

Because she was drinking the same bottle of wine that Uncle Pat had me pick up for you.

That doesn’t prove anything.

That doesn’t prove anything.

Maybe she likes the same stuff!

I mean, she always did have great taste.

She told Karen about it this morning.

She told her everything.

Jesus Christ. Did she?

All right.

I’m guilty as charged.

All right, but I don’t know what the big deal is. Okay?

I mean, I knew her first long before you knew Karen.

What is this “I knew her first”?

What? Are we in the fifth grade?

What do you want me to say?

We’re attracted to one another.

Always have been, all right?

And to think you were upstairs in her bedroom when we came over last night, this is just so sick and demented.

I can’t even wrap my head around it.

Hey, pal, In my defense, it happened before you guys got engaged, all right?

I mean, shit, if I knew you were that serious,

it never would have happened.

What are you talking about?

You did know that we were serious, because you asked me about it!

And I told you to stay away from her mother.

Wait. Who’s engaged?

He is.

You’re engaged.

Oh, God.

When did this happen?

Last night. Okay?

But she proposed to me.

[laughs] That’s good.

So the one who has never been in a relationship and doesn’t believe in love and badmouths marriage at every opportunity, is the one who’s engaged.

You really wanna stick to your theory that you’re not jealous of me?

I’m sorry.

What does my engagement

have to do with you?

Everything.

And it proves my point that you always have to be the center of attention.

You just couldn’t deal with the fact that my wedding was gonna preoccupy the family for the rest of the year.

I’m sorry. What wedding are you talking about, exactly?

Because as I remember it, you and Mr. Noncommittal, Mr. I-wanna-get-laid-one-last-time, broke up a few weeks ago.

Nice.

[door slams]

Okay. That was very ugly.

And it saddens me that I had to witness that.

You are going to need to apologize to your sister.

And I need to apologize to you.

I am so sorry, Tommy.

I promise you, I give you my word.

I am never gonna see her again.

That said, I do need to get over there right now, because I left my wallet there last night, so…

[scoffs]

You, you left your wallet there last night?

It happens.

Well, Dad, you are a real piece of work.

And I’m just gonna say one thing.

Or remind you, something Uncle Pat likes to say, “God is always testing us.”

And you, Dad, you’re failing.

Miserably.

[thuds] Huh… Now you found religion, huh?

Aiyaiyai.

Unbelievable.

You let Patrick stay here a month, and what does he do? He turns your son into a Holy Roller. What do they say? No good deed goes unpunished. Uh, maybe you gotta take some of the blame here. You really do like Nina, right? Always have. Even thought that she could be the one, but… If the kid is against it, you gotta walk away, right? That’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna go over there and tell her it’s over.

[Patrick] Barry, I’ve moved out. I wanna thank you for your hospitality. Although I’d be remiss to call it that. See what happens when you’re always focused on yourself? You end up doing your own laundry again. Love to the kids. Last night was…

Was kind of eye-opening.

I don’t… No, no.

I don’t mean us.

I mean, about Karen.

I just feel like you’re right.

Yeah.

I need to stay out of it.

It’s her life. It’s her life.

Look, I know at a certain point you just have to surrender control and let them go.

I know. I just don’t like it.

It’s just…

It’s so heartbreaking when they grow up, isn’t it?

I know, I know.

Because, like, who are we, if we are no longer parents?

Seriously, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

If I’m not taking care of Karen…

Yeah.

Like, what… What do I do?

Yeah. Well, I’m not exactly there yet, given my two have moved back into the house.

I’m actually jealous of that.

I wish Karen wanted to live here.

Instead, I’m here all by myself.

I’m in this big house… and It’s just me.

All alone in this big, empty house, huh?

I kind of have a thought.

No.

I wish there was something I could do to make that easier for you.

We’re not doing that again.

It was a onetime thing.

And actually, if I’m being accurate, it was…

It was a final hurrah, if you will.

Well, it was a good one.

And I’m gonna surprise you…

[laughs] that I actually agree with you.

Oh… [clicks tongue]

[Barry sighs]

I’ve just been thinking, for the sake of the kids, we have to put an end to our shenanigans.

You should have heard how pissed off Tommy was at me this morning.

And I just don’t wanna risk it, all right?

Because if this actually works out with them, you and I are gonna be seeing a lot more of one another.

Yep.

We have to control ourselves.

Correct.

I’m not mad at that.

It’s gonna take a lot of discipline

on my part, but…

I’m wearing leopard.

Killing me.

[laughs] [sighs] Look, I’m gonna be blunt.

We gotta call this whole thing off.

I mean, it’s too much, too soon and too crazy.

And then there’s the shit with our parents.

It makes it way too complicated.

Oh, thank God.

I feel the exact same way.

[Tommy] Really?

That is such a relief.

[both chuckle]

[sighs]

Is it too much to ask for my ring back?

Oh, no. Of course.

Thanks.

You sad?

Uh… no.

If I’m being completely honest, I feel relieved more than anything.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

But we can still date or hang out, right?

Yeah.

We don’t have to be engaged to do that, we can just… be a couple, but less serious.

No. Of course.

First of all, that’s not even in our nature.

That’s not even our thing.

Being serious.

No.

And secondly, I really like you.

Aww…

I mean, I love you.

I’m just not ready for the whole “Till death do us part” thing.

Absolutely. 100 percent.

[Karen] Mm…

Hey, what’s going on?

Anybody home?

I’m in here!

Pats, what are you doing?

It’s the middle of the day.

What are you still doing in your PJs?

I’m depressed.

This is what I do when I’m depressed.

Leave me alone.

Haven’t you done enough already?

I don’t understand.

Why is everything that happens in this house my fault?

Uh, maybe because it is.

Okay, okay.

I’ll leave you alone.

[cell phone ringing]

Unbelievable.

Hello!

What can I do for you, young man?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Really? Huh…

All right, then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your secret is safe with me.

I promise you.

I will not say a word to her.

Who was that?

You’re not gonna believe it.

But that was our man, TJ.

What’d he say?

[Barry] It’s not good news.

He was calling to get my blessing.

He wants to repropose.

Is that what you just told him you wouldn’t tell me?

Yeah, but I figured you’d wanna be in possession of that information given, you know, the month you’ve had, I’d hate for you to get blindsided again, you know?

No, I guess not. Um…

Well, did he say when he was gonna do it?

Yeah. Yeah. He said he’ll be here, uh, any second.

Oh. Any fucking second.

[knocking at door]

Yeah. And that would probably be him.

I’m gonna guess…

I haven’t even showered yet.

I’ll be right there!

Yeah. But, Pats, look, you do not need to say yes.

He called for my blessing, but I didn’t actually give it to him.

So factor that into your consideration, maybe?

Enough already!

[exhales]

[mellow music playing]

[sighs]

Oh. What are you doing here?

Okay, well, I was sitting at work, and I just realized what I wanted my future… our future, to look like.

And that’s why I needed to see you.

Oh, no. Uh, uh…

Terrence Joseph, stand up.

No, no, no. It’s okay.

[Patty] Please, stand up.

Then, what is it?

I’m just not sure that we should jump right back in and get reengaged so quickly. [sighs] It’s because I slept with that girl, isn’t it?

I knew I shouldn’t have told you.

Well, sort of.

But not entirely.

Because, you see, I slept with someone, too.

And it’s got me really confused.

And I just think we would both really benefit from a little more time apart.

Okay. Whoa, whoa! Hold up.

You slept with someone?

Yeah.

[Terrence] But why?

Why?

Wait, I didn’t think you wanted to.

Well, I guess I had my curiosities as well.

Jesus.

Wow, I did not see that coming. Okay, uh…

But you know what?

That’s exactly what you were supposed to do.

Okay? Look, this is good news.

Is it?

Yes.

Look, we needed a chance to sow our wild oats, like your Aunt Molly said.

This is exactly what we needed.

Yeah. But the problem is now that we’ve opened that door, you know, how do we close it?

It’s like the whole genie in a bottle, can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, can’t uncrack that egg.

Well, I’m not sure I follow.

Well… we’ve both had a taste of what else is out there and maybe because of that, your taste can change.

Wait…

Are you saying you like this guy you slept with?

I don’t know. Maybe.

But what I do know is I’m just not ready to say yes to forever.

Fuck.

I’m such a fucking jerkoff.

Kinda.

I’m sorry.

I know you’re a great fit for me on paper, and you have a perfect resume for the life I’ve always envisioned. It’s just…

I think it’s time I start to lead with my heart and not my head, you know?

Actually, it’s not even my heart I have to listen to.

It’s… some other… impulse.

I gotta go.

[exhales]

Wh… Wh… Where?

[Terrence] Patty, come on.

Patty!

[exciting folk music playing]

[exciting folk music builds]

[music stops]

Hi.

Uh, is Sam here?

Oh, look who it is.

The dream girl who howls at the moon.

[chuckles]

It’s good to see you again.

[in Brooklyn accent]

So, this is her?

This is the one he’s so crazy about.

Hey, Tinkerbell, let me ask you something.

You think that was nice to use our brother like that?

You weren’t aware of how he felt?

Didn’t you know he’s been carryin’ a torch for you?

A torch?

A torch!

Fifteen years, he’s been carrying that torch.

Fifteen years, and then she goes and uses him for sex.

[woman 3] Like he’s some kind of piece of meat.

[woman 2] Some crayons.

[speaking Greek]

[in English] Relax… Whoa. Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I was kind of hoping we could talk.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Um…

You met the Three Stooges, my sisters Cathy, Carla, Christine.

Girls, this is Patty McMullen.

Oh, yeah, we met already.

[imitates wolf howling]

That was you, right?

[Sam speaking Greek]

[in English] Thank you.

[speaking Greek]

You know what?

We’re gonna talk outside.

We’re gonna talk outside, far away from here.

Say bye.

Bye.

[speaking Greek]

[in English] They’re a little overprotective and uh… just a lot crazy.

Yeah. [chuckles]

So…

What’s… What’s going on?

I broke off my engagement.

Or I didn’t get reengaged.

Either way, we broke up.

It’s over and that’s a really big deal for me, because for the first time in my life, I don’t know what I’m gonna do next.

[chuckles]

You don’t know this about me, but I’m a planner.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I’ve had my whole life planned out since I was a little girl.

A lot of, uh, goals, a lot of to do lists, things to get done by a certain age, but…

I decided I’m not gonna do that anymore.

I’ve decided I’m just gonna live my life and throw caution to the wind and let it take me where it’s gonna take me and…

[sighs] Oh, well.

Right now, it’s taking me to you.

I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.

[both laugh]

Can I kiss you now?

Come here.

[Patty laughs]

[Sam’s sisters cheering]

[guitar music playing]

[Barry] Can I just say…

[women laughing]

how happy I am that I no longer have to host Thanksgiving?

Patrick, I think this is a great new tradition.

We all get to come home to Long Island and you get to do all the cooking.

[all laughing]

[Patrick] I will second that because it is my pleasure.

Now, I’d like to say a little prayer before we eat.

Okay, and let’s not overdo it, Patrick, because remember, Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday.

All right? And we’re all friggin’ starving as well.

Jesus died on the cross, for you, Barry.

You especially.

Think you can give him 30 seconds back?

Don’t listen to him, Uncle Pat.

Take as much time as you need.

Thank you.

This was our mother’s favorite blessing.

Should we all join hands?

We really think that’s necessary?

[murmuring]

I’ll do it.

We gotta do it!

Come on.

Thank you, Molly.

Thank you, Molly.

May love and laughter light your days and warm your heart and home.

May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you may roam.

May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures and may all life’s passing seasons… bring the best to you and yours.

Amen.

[all] Amen.

Can I…

Can I also just say, um…

My mother, your grandma, always used to say that gratitude is not just the blessings that you have…

[Karen and Nina]

“But what you do with them.”

[Karen] Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah.

Then I’d say this is a blessing…

Oh, yeah.

done right.

[Patty] Oh.

[Karen] Hey.

Hey, guys, come on.

Leave room for Jesus.

Does anyone else have a toast or a blessing from their mom?

My bubbe used to say, “Having somewhere to go is home.

“Having someone to love is family, “and having both is a blessing.”

She said it in Yiddish, so it sounded much better.

[all laughing]

Come on, Walter.

All the new blood are giving toasts.

Let’s see what you got.

Okay. In keeping with blessings and gratitude, uh, can I just say that when God gives you a second chance… you don’t take it for granted.

Aw…

And I don’t.

I’d… I’d love to say something, Mr. McMullen, if that’s all right, “Mr. McMullen?”

I love this kid.

Please, Sam.

[speaking Greek]

[in English]

Which roughly translates to…

“A man can never shine without his family at the table.”

[all] Mmm…

All right, I would like to make a toast.

I wanted to say, Happy Thanksgiving.

[all] Happy Thanksgiving.

I am so grateful for every single person at this table.

And second, you know, families aren’t perfect.

And this one is no exception.

But I think we’re doing pretty great.

Mm…

So please raise your glasses to the Family McMullen.

[all cheering]

[mellow music playing]