The Baltimorons (2025)
Director: Jay Duplass
Writers: Jay Duplass, Michael Strassner
Stars: Michael Strassner, Liz Larsen, Olivia Luccardi
Plot: A man in Baltimore suddenly needs emergency dental surgery on Christmas Eve. This kicks off an unexpected adventure for the rest of the day.
* * *
The Baltimorons (2025) | Transcript
♪♪
♪♪
[Door opens, slams]
[Sniffling]
[Sobs]
[Bottle shatters]
Ah…
[Sighs]
There.
[Grunts]
Okay.
Two, one.
[Grunts]
Really?
[“O Christmas Tree” plays]
♪♪
♪♪
[Jazzy version begins]
♪♪
♪♪
How did the meeting go?
Pretty well.
I, uh, was trying to make change in the donation basket, and I only had a 20, so I was trying to get 17 back.
Three bucks I thought was enough.
But, yeah, the lady who was speaking was like, “Seriously, man?”
[Laughing] Because she thought you were stealing from the donation basket.
Oh, I think I was just being too noisy, that’s all.
She didn’t think I was stealing.
So, yeah, that’s all that happened.
That is…
I think I think
I think that’s all that kind of happened.
Hmm.
Nothing at all seemed to be cool.
What’s in your mouth?
I’m just having a chip.
What is that?
Nothing. Nothing.
What is that? Let go, let go.
I don’t wanna hurt your teeth.
Let go, let go.
Six months?
Just a little chip.
This is a big chip.
Six months in a row.
Well, I’m really proud of you.
This is a really big step.
Thank you.
Yeah, it’s half a year.
I am so Oh, gee. Oh, wow. Drunk driver!
That isn’t a funny joke.
I know.
That’s not funny at all.
You haven’t been a drunk driver for six months.
♪♪
Yeah, no, we can definitely work on your timeline.
It was Cliff’s dad’s house, so it’s empty.
Yeah. Yeah.
I wanna completely gut it.
Awesome. I I’ll talk to you soon, hon.
Okay, bye.
So that was Timmy’s cousin’s friend, Hunter.
And he’s not a contractor yet, but I think that’s a good thing.
Yeah. No, that’s That would be cheaper.
That’s really, really great.
Yeah.
[Cell phone chimes]
That’s a good move.
W… W-Why is he saying, “See you tonight?”
I have no idea. It’s nothing.
Why is Marvin texting you about a show?
It’s nothing.
What are you all doing out there?
You coming in or not?
Hey, Ms. McIntyre, we’re coming in right now.
Okay?
We’re just gathering our wares.
Seriously, it’s nothing.
[Grunts]
I made my mom’s world famous sweet potato casserole for you.
We already have my sweet potato casserole, but thank you.
You’re welcome.
Hey, Mom, can you actually just give us one
one minute.
What is going on?
Nothing. Seriously.
Marvin is doing this Christmas Eve popup comedy show, and I’ve told him several times, I’m not doing it.
But why is he texting you, “See you tonight?”
I don’t know. I’ve told him twice now, I’m not doing it.
Brittany.
I need help with the crab balls.
Yeah, we’re
I’m I’m coming.
Remember you promised me, no more alcohol, no more comedy shows.
Yes. Don’t wanna do a show tonight.
All right?
Here they go again.
Are you being straight with me?
Yes, 100% I’m being straight with you.
Are you sure?
All right? Yes. I’m not lying.
I do not It’s in the past.
I do not wanna do a comedy show, I really don’t.
All right? Look.
Where’s my phone?
Here. Hold that.
I will show you.
I’ve texted him twice now.
See?
And I’m gonna text him again, “I’m not doing the show.”
Okay?
I am-I’m sorry.
All right? Here we go.
I’m sorry. I just I thought Yeah. Merry Christmas.
No, I don’t wanna do it.
I was worried you were backsliding or something.
[Message sent chime]
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Ohh! Oh, oh!
Oh, my God.
My God.
Cliff, what just happened?
Mm. God.
What did you just do?
Ow.
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh.
What? Holy shit.
Ew!
♪♪
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Hello?
Hey. H-Hi.
Is this the dentist?
Yes. Um, are you open?
‘Cause I’ve tried a bunch of you guys, and you’re not.
Okay. I’ll be there.
Where are you located?
♪♪
♪♪
Hello? Hello? Ow. Ow.
Come on.
You can stop that now.
Sorry. Oh, are you the are you a dentist?
I am.
Great.
Do you need this?
Hang on to it, will you?
Okay.
Hard to get a dentist nowadays.
It’s Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.
Oh.
Is that your family?
Oh, no. Have I messed up your Christmas?
Just sign these two forms.
Yeah. All right.
[Winces]
Should I come back there?
Yeah, let’s go.
Okay
Ow.
[Groans]
Uh…
What’s the needle situation?
The situation is that we use needles.
Uh, is there any way we can work around that?
Well, it can’t hurt any more than what’s going on in there right now.
Sit.
I’ll just hang this up for you.
Sorry.
I put my napkin on for you.
Lovely. All right, lean back.
Open your mouth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is that?
It’s just a topical, it’s gonna numb you for the needle.
Ow!
I’m sorry. A-Are you okay?
Yeah. [Sighs] You’re hardly gonna feel anything.
You’re a big strong guy.
Okay. I know it’s stupid.
Just do it, all right? I…
Ah, ah.
Mm.
Keep that there.
Oh…ah…
How we doing?
Better. A little better.
Can we
Can we just use the topical?
That’s not gonna cut it.
[Breathing raggedly] Okay. Open your mouth.
[Gasps] Hello?
Huh?
[Message sent chime]
Ha! Aha!
How?
[Gas hissing]
How?
Hey.
How? Ah.
You feel that?
You should be really numb.
I don’t feel anything.
Did that big thing go in my mouth yet?
It sure did.
Oh, my God.
All right.
This is temporary filling.
You will not feel it at all.
It’s like a construction site in there, huh?
Shh-shh-shh.
[Imitates machinery] Okay. Please keep quiet.
Like men at work. Sorry.
Sorry. Women at work.
Oh, actually… people at work.
Open.
Oh, little party light, huh?
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
Shh.
[Chuckles] Party.
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
Oh, party’s over.
You need to keep your mouth dry, so if you keep talking, I’m gonna have to put a muzzle on you.
[Laughing, snorting]
All right, I’m just gonna look in here again and see if everything looks just great.
Wow.
Look at her go.
It’s nice.
Yeah. It’s nice.
Yep.
Yep.
We did good.
Wow.
You’re so pretty.
[Chuckles]
You’re on nitrous, buddy.
Doesn’t mean you’re not like a superhero.
A super pretty hero.
Super pretty woman hero.
All right, I’m putting in the spacer.
For real? Come on man.
Ah, okay.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
You smell nice.
You smell very nice.
I don’t know if you know this or not, but you are not allowed to tell women how they smell anymore.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I-I have a girlfriend who smells, too.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Yeah, she’s smelly.
She wants to move into the scary house.
I don’t wanna go there.
[Cell phone ringing]
Uh, I’m gonna have to take this.
Do you have a a bathroom?
Because I gotta I gotta teetee.
What’s going on?
Okay, so Dad is
he and Patty got
got married. Sorry. And he’s saying he’s basically doing this celebratory get-together thing. When?
Tonight. I don’t wanna go, but I kind of feel like I–
No, when did they get married?
This morning. At the courthouse.
So they’re doing their reception on Christmas Eve?
Ah.
A pink cloud.
He did tell me to invite you.
That’s fantastic.
Best Christmas ever.
I feel really bad, Mom. I–
I know Christmas Eve is your favorite. Yeah. No, I’m sorry.
It’s great. It’s fine.
It’s g–
It’s okay.
Sorry, Mom. Did you cook everything already? No. No.
I’ll cook everything tomorrow, and then you come over after you’re done.
Whenever you want.
Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Merry Christmas. I love you, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow. Merry Christmas. I love you.
[Exhales sharply]
[Sniffles]
[Toilet flushing]
God.
Everything okay?
Everybody’s always eating my goddamn snacks.
If you come back Monday, I’ll put the crown in.
Okay. Um, sounds great.
How’s 9:15?
That sounds good.
Um…
Hey, if you’re hungry, my girlfriend’s mom has this delicious Christmas spread.
Lot of food.
It’s actually just RoFo, chicken, western fries.
But if we get there early enough, we can get some crab balls.
No.
Thank you.
I mean, you got the thorn outta the grizzly bear’s ball.
I feel like I owe you.
We’ll settle your bill on Monday.
All righty.
Looking forward to it.
Oh, man. That’s not good.
That is not good.
Come on, Cliff. Golly.
And we’re surge pricing.
Oh, an hour fifteen.
Wonderful.
Okay.
It’s all gonna be okay.
[Line ringing] Hello?
Hey. Um…
Hey. I might be a little bit late.
Is the food already ready?
Almost. Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I’m completely fine.
But just promise you won’t get mad.
But my car got towed.
Again?
And it’s surge pricing right now.
And…
Brittany.
Is there any way that maybe you could just like…
Hold on. I’m coming! …pop out for My mom’s burning the crab balls. Gotta run. Sorry. Just let me know when you’re on your way, okay?
Of course. Yeah. Okay.
Okay. Yep. See you soon.
Okay. Bye. Yep. Great.
Well, I could just hitchhike from downtown Baltimore.
That’s probably good.
What is it?
Just my car got towed and nobody is able to come get me.
So, do you know where the closest bus stop is?
Come on. I’ll drive you to the tow lot.
No, no, no, no, no.
You have done more than enough for me, Dr. Lady.
Just–
Is it doctor?
Is it just doctor? I’m sorry.
Doctor is fine.
Okay, great.
But seriously, do you know where the closest bus stop is?
They’re probably not even running today.
Come on.
I’m not gonna ask again.
♪♪
♪♪
You like Remington?
I love it.
I hope to have a home here one day, you know?
And on that home, I want a mural that is just so specific to me.
You know?
It really fits my heart’s desire.
The theme is woodland creatures.
I want it to have like a little fox coming out of a window, a tiny little, like, raccoon in the corner that I’ll call Randy.
And then, a giant cat that looks exactly like Garfield, that kind of takes over the whole Forget I said anything.
Did you smile?
It was funny.
Really?
You in need of validation?
Sadly, yeah.
I do.
It’s not the best sober behavior, but…
Oh, you’re sober?
That’s odd because I usually like sober people.
Dr. Daw with the sweet dig.
It’s kind of starting to come back to me now.
Was I flirting with you?
Not that I remember.
Good, good.
‘Cause I’m engaged.
You told me.
Stop.
[Tires squeal]
Oh. What?
Sorry. Um…
God.
I’m just kidding. I’m okay.
Me and my girlfriend’s place, just like right over here to the left.
Can we just do a quick, quick, quick little detour?
[Scoffs] Thanks so much.
Okay. Just a little detour for your tummy.
Oh. Oh. I know you’re hungry.
Have you ever had sweet potatoes with candied pecans?
Yes, I have.
Have you ever had my sweet potatoes with candied pecans?
Look, that’s very sweet, but, no, thank you.
I’m hosting a dinner in literally an hour.
Okay, well.
Oh, oh. Oh, wait.
There’s melted marshmallows.
I mentioned the candied pecans, right?
Just take a little bite. Here.
Get away from me with that.
What’s wrong with you?
Everything.
Here, take a bite real quick.
Please? Please? Okay.
You like the choochoo train?
A chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
We are now boarding your tummy.
Your neighbor is staring at us.
Hey, Bert!
He’s the best.
Here. Ready?
And oomph!
God.
It’s good.
Okay, let’s go.
I’ll give you another bite at the stoplight.
Oh, now we can go.
Come on.
Waiting on you.
It’s gonna take forever.
Sorry.
That was my girlfriend fiancée.
I keep forgetting that.
It’s just such a small window of time.
It’s like, why do we even need it?
People like it.
Are you married?
I was.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Did he kill himself?
Why would you say that?
It’s a dumb joke.
I didn’t mean anything.
It just It does happen though.
It sounds like it didn’t happen to you, which is wonderful.
[Chuckles] You know, people say that divorce is actually harder than if they died.
Yeah.
‘Cause when you have a kid, you never really get divorced.
And then it starts all over again when you have a grandkid.
Well, don’t have kids.
[Chuckles]
I love my kid.
Dominique?
Dominique?
Just took a shot in the dark for her name.
No, her name is not Dominique.
Okay. Raquel?
Stop it.
Okay.
[“Jingle Bells” plays]
♪♪
♪♪
There she is. My Coupe de Ville.
A White Cadillac?
What are you, Milton Berle?
Oh, yeah. It was my dad’s.
Time to get her back.
Well, Dr. Daw, I thank you for your excellence and looking forward to see you on Monday.
No solid foods for an hour.
Great. Thanks.
♪♪
♪♪
[Knocking on window]
Hello?
♪♪
♪♪
[Horn honks]
What are you doing?
Just to get you outta the way, little guy.
There we go.
Oh, oh.
No, no, no. Shit.
Oh, shit.
Shoot. God.
♪♪
♪♪
[Cell phone chimes]
[Line ringing] Yeah. Hi. Get down.
Wait. You’re still here?
Get down. Yeah.
All right. Where is he?
He’s coming right at you.
What? He is? Where?
Move it. Move it.
Go. Go to the trucks.
Go. Go in between the two trucks now. Now.
Okay. Okay.
He’s walking right at you.
What trucks? What trucks are you talking about?
They’re right there. The only trucks there.
Oh, okay. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.
Back your ass between the two trucks.
I’m going. I’m going.
And get down.
Down. Stay down. Stay down.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Shh. Calm.
He’s going to his truck.
That’s good.
He’s doing something with a lever.
You know those things that you bring a car in?
Yeah, the cars. Yeah. Yeah. That’s how a tow truck works.
The thing. You know, the truck has the car on it.
Okay. What
What’s the information you need to tell me?
Please stop talking.
Okay. Oh, oh, I think he’s leaving.
Could you please stay down? Where is he? Where is he?
Duck down. If you don’t trust me, this is not gonna work out.
I trust you. I trust you.
I just wanted to see.
All right?
Uhoh.
Uhoh, what?
Oh, boy.
He’s locking the gate.
Locking? Okay. Um, uh…
Drop your car off here and tell him you got towed.
Oh, I’m going to drive up to him in my car and tell him I got towed?
Okay. Yeah.
No, that was stupid.
Sorry, I was just thinking on my feet.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He’s leaving. Hey, hey! Stop!
Hey! Hey!
[Honking horn]
Did he stop? Did he stop?
Hey! Hey!
He’s gone.
Sorry, kid.
This spiky stuff, it’s around the whole perimeter.
Yeah, it’s galvanized double barb.
Brittany is gonna be really mad at me.
No, no, no, no. Get down.
You know what I’m gonna do?
I am gonna call the guy and tell him to come back, and you are gonna get in the trunk of your car, and I am gonna come and drive you out.
Good idea.
I didn’t think of that.
That was good.
Voicemail. Hello.
My white Cadillac got towed today and I need to get it as soon as possible, so please call me back at this number.
Okay.
Mother of pearl.
That’s the color of the Cadillac.
Oh, my buddy Marvin and I did a sketch once where I had my nuts in this Doesn’t matter.
Not an important part.
Let me give him a call.
Oh, thank God you answered.
Hey, I need a favor, bud.
[Banging metallic objects together rhythmically]
[Horn honks]
Oh.
Marvin. Hey, yo.
[Chuckles] What’s going on?
You owe me now, big boy.
You better be there tonight.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
If you could do one more quick favor, can you pop that lock for me?
You want me, a Black man in Cherry Hill right now, to break into a tow yard?
No, I don’t want you to do that.
Hi.
Ah. Who the hell is this?
I’m Didi.
That’s my dentist.
That’s so adorable.
Your name is Didi? I love it.
Look, you two, this isn’t really my scene, so if you could grab the bolt cutters out the back, I could be on my way.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely, yeah.
Thanks again, bud.
I know you secretly want to do the show, so see you tonight, Santa.
Yeah. All right.
Now, Didi, if you don’t feel comfortable popping the lock, I certainly could
[Chain snaps]
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah, no. You can just leave ’em. I can I’m gonna go.
Way to go.
That was awesome.
Wow.
[Cell phone chimes]
Can’t you just make me a plate?
[Sighs]
Oh, my God.
You scared the shit out of me.
Sorry, that was not my intention.
I’ve got a pocket full of cash and I’m hungry as a bull.
I’m taking you to dinner and I’m not taking no for an answer.
No, no. Thank you.
Come on. You got me out of two jams today.
Let’s get a bite.
I have plans.
All righty. Um…
Okay. I…
Real quick, before you go, I have a little confession.
I overheard you talking to your daughter in the office, and I know you don’t have plans.
Um…
I was looking for the bathroom, and I had a tinkle and I couldn’t find it the bathroom and I just… wanna take you to dinner.
Why do you wanna have dinner with me?
Aren’t you already late for a party?
‘Cause we’re having fun.
We are?
Aren’t we?
Besides, they’re already out of food, and we got five or six more felonies we need to commit.
So we’re gonna need that tummy full, okay?
So you in?
It’s Christmas Eve and there’s nowhere we can eat that’ll take us.
Follow me. I got an in.
No!
Yes!
Bada ba bum ba ba, charge!
♪♪
♪♪
My lady.
I can get out of the car myself, you jackass.
All righty.
Didi with the rough language.
Wow. Hampden is happening.
Yep. It’s a hip little spot.
I think the last time I was here was Y2K.
Oh, you’re kidding me.
I was 10 then. Or was I 9?
Can’t remember.
I know I was young though.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Hey. [Whistling] It’s that way.
Yeah, this is it.
Hang tight out here.
I’m gonna go work my magic.
Used to barback here.
[Indistinct conversations]
Well, they said an hour and a half to three hours.
Probably closer to three hours.
Nobody in there remembered me.
Told you.
Well, kid, it’s been fun.
I’ll see you Monday.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Oh, hang on.
I used to work at a couple places on this block.
Come on. Come on.
Let’s go, Dr. Daw.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much, Alvin.
We are about 5 to 10 minutes away.
Awesome.
We now are on the wait list at Rocket To Venus.
It’s right up here.
So, you’re in the restaurant business?
No, I… used to do it to support my sketch comedy and improv habit.
Wait, what?
Sketch comedy.
Have you ever seen the TV show, “Laugh It Up Live”?
You were on “Laugh It Up Live”?
I was not, but I came really close.
So that was your job?
No.
You do not make any money doing sketch or improv.
The only place to make money doing it is on “Laugh It Up Live” in New York.
And it’s almost impossible to get.
Sounds like a rough business.
It is.
And something messed up happened, and that’s why I don’t do it anymore.
And now I am a mortgage broker.
[Laughs] Come on.
Don’t call a stranger, call a loan arranger.
[Laughs] I’m not
I’m not I’m not kidding.
No, no, no. Seriously.
Yeah, I just took the test.
I think I aced it.
Pretty sure I passed.
Oh, God.
I don’t know if I passed.
Anyway, how about you?
You always been a dentist?
Yeah. I’m
I’m sorry.
No, it’s okay. Yeah.
Why are you the only dentist who picked up on Christmas Eve?
I have been told that I am a workaholic.
Well, if you love what you do.
Mm.
Do you have any other kids or grandkids?
Just the ones at my ex’s house with my ex and his much younger wife.
But thank you for reminding me.
Sorry. Just kind of keeps coming up organically.
Uh-huh.
[“Silent Night” plays over speakers] All righty. This is it.
I’m just gonna see how many more minutes we got on the wait.
All righty. We got us a spot at the bar in 10 minutes.
I told you.
You okay?
You know the this is really odd, but my entire family is two blocks that way, having some kind of reception or something.
Your family lives on 34th Street?
No, just past it.
Well, it’s my
it’s my ex-husband’s house.
Wow.
John’s?
What?
“John’s.”
I just said a common name, ’cause you didn’t tell me his name yet.
His name shall not be mentioned.
He was a high school sweetheart who turned out to be a nightmare.
Totally. Of course.
I’m gonna go.
Oh.
You’re gonna
You’re gonna go to the party.
Yeah, they asked me to go.
I’m gonna go.
No, that’s great. Yeah.
Um, cool.
Uh, want me to walk you?
Sure, if you want.
I’m just gonna run in here and get a few things.
Oh, shit.
[Indistinct conversations]
Wow.
You look really pretty.
Oh, cut it out with that.
Geez, I’m just saying you did something, and I noticed it.
I’m not Miss Maryland, okay?
Here, hold this.
Okay. Yeah.
Lucky us, we get to walk down 34th street.
Oh, no way. I hate that shit.
We’re going around.
Okay.
[Inhales raggedly, sighs] Wow.
Here it is.
Oh, this is it?
This is a choice.
Well, wish me luck.
Best of luck.
Knock ’em dead in there.
So, I’ll, uh, see you Monday.
Yes, you will.
Thank you.
I got you.
Thank you.
[Knock on door]
Maybe they’re around back.
You think?
I have no idea.
You know, I actually have never been inside this house before.
You know what?
[Laughs]
I know it was like a fun idea for a minute, but I think the moment has passed, and I think I’d rather just call it a night.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, this
this is pretty scary.
Yeah. [Chuckles] But you know, if
if you’re just gonna do a popin, I can walk you back.
You mean walk me back or or go to the party with me?
Whatever you want.
I think I’d like you to go to the party with me, if that’s okay.
Hell, yeah.
Yeah?
Let’s crash a party.
[Chuckles]
All right. How’s my makeup?
Um, am I allowed to say?
Uh-huh.
Is my eyeliner smearing?
No, here, I
I got you.
Hold on.
It’s perfect.
You’re gonna be great.
You just watch me.
All right.
[Christmas music playing on stereo] Hello!
Merry Christmas.
Mom?
Where’s my Maddie?
Hi, Didi.
Ha ha. Look what I brought you.
I got you some Berger Cookies.
[Laughs]
Cliff, this is my daughter, Shelby, and my granddaughter, Maddie, and, um, everyone else.
Hi, everybody. Cliff Cashen.
Really, really thrilled to be here.
Thanks for having me.
Merry Christmas.
Is that the ghost from Christmas Past?
Gotcha.
Where’s the next Ghost of Christmas Past?
Is Patty here, or did you divorce her already?
Wow. Oof.
Mom, you just got here.
Well, I guess that makes me the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Cliff Cashen, still really, really thrilled to be here, gang.
Thank you.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I’m Shelby, Didi’s daughter.
Oh, my goodness.
I’ve heard so much about you.
Your mom’s pretty awesome.
I didn’t think you’d actually come.
What’s going on over here?
I can’t open it.
You know how you get into this little guy?
You need bear paws.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with my two girls.
[Growls] Rawr!
All right.
Let’s see this.
Who is he?
He’s a client.
A patient?
Yeah. He cracked his back right 30 and then his car was towed.
Oh, yeah. Super clear now.
Can I have this one?
[Laughing] No.
What? Why not?
Because you’re a bear.
Patty, look who’s here.
Wife. Ex-wife.
Hi.
Congratulations.
Yeah, thanks.
And Cliff Cashen.
Super thrilled to be here.
Where are you gonna put the jelly?
Oh, over there?
Oh, I don’t think there’s enough snow.
That’s a great spot.
I’d say so.
Hey, what are you guys having your own party up here?
You wanna go put some cookies up for Santa?
Hi, I’m Patty.
It’s nice to meet you.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Cliff Cashen.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I love your veil.
Oh, thank you. Cliff Cashen.
That sounds like a porn star name.
Hey, Maddie’s right over there.
Yeah.
Oh, I know. Hang on.
Anything for enough cash, right?
[Both laugh]
Hey, Dad. Sorry.
We actually have to head out soon.
It’s past her bedtime.
It’s Christmas Eve.
She can stay up as late as she wants.
Well, Santa’s coming and we kind of need Santa to come, so we gotta get home soon.
Okay.
Hmm.
I just think it’s a it’s a little rude that you brought your own people to the party and then came up here and made your own separate little party away from everybody else.
Ah, here we go.
Okay.
Well, you you did tell me to invite Mom.
Cliff, this is Conway.
Conway? Wow.
Never would’ve guessed that one.
All right.
That’s a pretty name.
Is it named after the street or that annoying little country singer, Conway Twitty?
[Chuckles] Neither one.
Oh.
Thanks for coming tonight.
Thank you for having me.
You kind of look like him a little bit. Handsome guy.
So what’s going on with, uh, you two?
Well, sir, uh, Dr. Daw It’s none of you goddamn business.
Mom.
Nice mouth.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
So glad you could make it.
Okay, guys.
I think we’re actually gonna head out.
Well, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. It was my fault.
Well, can you stop?
It was my fault.
I’m sorry.
Well, I love that shirt.
You guys wouldn’t happen to be Ravens fans, are you?
Are you kidding me?
No, not at all.
[Both laugh]
Oh, no. We are bigtime Bird Ball fans here.
Yeah.
Are you guys going to the Steelers game on New Year’s Day?
[Laughing] No. No.
Those tickets are impossible to get a hold of, no.
Yeah. Only bankers, doctors, and lawyers are going to that one.
Oh, yeah. And dentists.
Who? Her?
She doesn’t even like football.
Ah, well, I do now.
Yeah. Yeah.
She didn’t tell you?
Oh, my God.
Dr. Daw is Lamar Jackson’s dentist.
You remember the game against the Browns where he chipped his canine in like week eight?
No way.
Way.
I like that guy.
He’s very nice.
Oh, yeah. The nicest.
Really great kid.
Probably the best quarterback we ever had.
I miss Flacco.
Yeah, I figured you would.
He was the last White one, right?
So?
Anyway, are you guys, like, looking for tickets?
What the hell, are you Hmm?
Are you kidding with me right now?
Do you guys mind sitting in a box?
Get out of here.
What? What do I have to do?
What do I have I will do anything.
Nice.
Yeah, yeah. I figured.
Well, I just I don’t usually tell people this, but I work for the Ravens.
[Coughs] Oh, my God.
I’m given a couple tickets to each game for special occasions like this.
We’re gonna be in a box?
Mmhmm.
Babe, we’re gonna be in a box!
I’ve never sat in a box before.
How much?
Gratis.
Uh, anyway, yeah, just call it a little newlywed gift for you two.
[Squealing] Okay, hey.
Well, that’s a good egg you brought over here.
What can we get you, Cliff?
Whiskey?
Anything.
Crab cake?
Natty Boh?
You hear that, Didi?
They got crab cakes.
Oh.
Of course we got crab cakes.
I’m a crabber.
I caught ’em myself.
I’m looking for soft shells.
Well, they’re out of season.
Good luck keeping that one happy.
Oh, who? Deirdre?
She is like a juggernaut of fun.
We’ve been having the most amazing day together, haven’t we?
Yes, we have.
Yeah. All right.
Here’s the deal.
I’m gonna write my number down and, uh, you call my office, and on Monday, we’ll have those tickets for you.
Oh, my God.
And I’ll see you at The Bank on New Year’s Day.
Oh, my God. Hon, you are I mean, you are
You I’m pretty great.
Yes, you are. Oh, my God.
We’re going to The Bank!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I’m going to The Bank!
I can’t believe it!
I’ll be right back with some refreshments.
Babe.
Okay, that’s my cue.
I gotta get out of here.
Hey, Maddie, come say bye.
We’re going, too.
Oh, we’re leaving?
Yeah, we’re out of here.
Yeah. This party’s getting kind of lame.
Good job.
Yeah.
Snug as a bug. Let’s go.
Good night.
I love you both so much.
Really beautiful family.
Let’s hustle up.
Hustle up? What do you Yeah. Yeah.
Come on. Let’s go.
Let’s go. No biggie. Let’s rock.
What’s going on?
Nothing. Let’s have some fun.
Here we go. Here we go.
Oh, all right.
Here we go.
[Chuckling]
Fucking guy.
So, you work for the Ravens?
I literally don’t know what to believe.
I do not work for the Ravens, all right?
I’m trying to become a mortgage broker.
I was gonna tell you though, that I put this little Christmas miracle together in a week, but I figured I’d take it easy on you.
[Sighs] You are a real Eddie Haskell, aren’t you?
Who’s he?
The kid from “Leave It to Beaver.”
He was full of shit.
That’s not me at all.
It’s exactly you.
It is not me.
And I still don’t know what you do.
I’m trying to be a mortgage broker.
All right?
[Laughs] I know what a gift of equity is.
I know that “refi” is an abbreviation of refinance.
These are a couple questions I got right on the test.
Oh, look at these crabs.
They’re so cute.
You see ’em?
Those are cute.
Whatever you did back there, that was great.
Thank you.
That was basically improv, right?
Yeah. You know, I guess the suggestion was, um, be Didi’s hot young date.
And I just kind of “yes, and’d” that.
Yes, and?
You can’t move forward unless you “yes, and.”
You gotta be open to everything.
So you do that on stage in front of everybody.
I did.
Yeah.
That sounds like a nightmare.
Oh, see, now we call you a “no butter.”
I love a good no.
And I love a big butt.
You mean like this big old booty?
Boom day, boom day, boom, boom, boom.
[Laughs] See, now we made it a joke.
[Gasps] We should go to an improv show.
You wanna go to an improv show?
Or sketch show, comedy, whatever it is that you do, did do.
Uh, I, um…
It’s-It’s– It’s late, right?
We should probably, like, wrap this up.
Oh, you don’t wanna go home.
Come on. Come on.
We’re just getting started, right?
[Laughing]
We’re just getting started.
Mmhmm.
Give me one second.
Hey, how you doing?
Uh, real quick, um What is going on?
I know you didn’t want me to go to Marvin’s show, but it’s like actually on the way back to your mom’s house.
Is it in the world of possibilities to go do that?
Hello?
So you did want to do a show.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just gonna kind of pop in and just kind of say hi, uh, ’cause I haven’t seen those guys in a long time, you know?
Um, and I think it would probably mean like a lot to Marvin and to me.
Um…
I don’t know what to say. We already opened presents. You’ve already missed the whole day. You’re picking your friends over me on Christmas.
No, I’m not doing that.
I’m just thinking that maybe if it’s, uh, possible–
Well, just do whatever you want. I gotta go.
Hello?
[Beep beep beep]
Yes. Incredible.
Okay. Um, yeah, we’ll just go there and then, um, I’ll see you in a little bit.
Bye.
Everything okay?
Yeah, let’s go see that improv show.
Yay!
Yay.
Oh, and we have to get some soft shell crabs.
Okay. They’re not gonna have soft shells at the improv show.
Probably just jelly beans and vodka, so…
♪♪
♪♪
[Groans]
Hey, how’s it going?
Good.
Good, good.
Good that you’re good.
Are we going?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. We’re gonna go in.
I-I-I just haven’t
I haven’t been around this crowd or seen this scene since I, um, I
I got sober.
Okay.
So the thing that happened to me was, uh, I was in this troop called Improv Baltimore, which is like the main improv crew here.
And I got fired.
This guy Kayden said that I bullied him.
What happened?
Uh, one night after a show, I was really banged up, and we’re not really friends.
And we got into this argument, and I just said, “You’re not fucking funny.”
Is he?
Nope.
But it is kind of the meanest thing you could say to somebody in comedy.
They fired you for that?
Yeah, he said he didn’t feel safe around me, and I guess Improv Baltimore didn’t want to get in trouble.
And… they let me go.
Well, we don’t have to go.
Let’s just go get some soft shells.
No, I want to go. I
I do.
And I didn’t realize I wanted to until you said you wanted to.
I’m just a little scared.
So, let’s go.
What’s the worst that could happen?
A lot. A lot of bad things could happen.
Buckle up.
[Laughs] I thought we were going to a comedy club.
It is a comedy popup show.
In a gas station?
Auto body shop.
Marvin’s uncle owns it.
No way.
Thought you were fucking dead, man.
Hey-yo, Prince.
We got Clifford, the Big Red Dog out here, bro.
How we doing?
Good to see you.
♪ When you’re
rappin’ in the zone ♪
♪ Pay when I wake up
before I hit the phone ♪
♪ Bills pilin’ up
in that rat hole ♪
Hello.
Hey.
How you doing?
I’m a little nervous.
How are you?
Great.
This is Didi. Tonya, Didi.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
What do you want to drink?
Is it weird if I get a drink, drink?
Be weird if you didn’t get a drink.
Okay.
All righty.
All right.
Gin and tonic, please.
You got it.
Is that Kayden in there?
Kayden? Kayden?
♪ The game we all love is ♪
Fuck.
I did not see him come in.
Fuck that guy.
And fuck “Laugh It Up Live” for listening.
Nah, no.
It’s all good.
Um, let me just get a soda.
[Cheers and applause]
Whoo!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Festivus for the rest of us.
Welcome to the show with no name at Mel’s Auto Shop.
But who needs labels anyway, right?
A lot of people, it turns out.
Our first performer tonight is a real treat.
We haven’t seen him around these parts for quite some time.
You may remember him from his hometown sketch, the Baltimorons.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have him here tonight.
Everybody, let’s give a big hand for my guy, Cliff Cashen.
[Scattered applause]
Oh, maybe not?
No, no. Guys, I’m I’m all good.
Thank you so much.
I’m super sober and just here to, uh, laugh as a civilian.
Get up there, Cashen.
No, no, I’m good, seriously.
I’m all good.
You don’t wanna do it?
No, I really don’t wanna do it.
We don’t want him You don’t wanna go up?
Baltimorons.
No, I really don’t.
Next please.
Baltimorons.
But they want you to get up.
[Crowd chanting “Baltimorons”]
I really can’t do it. Okay?
Look, if I can go to Conway’s, you can do this.
Rip the Band-Aid off.
Come on. You got it.
You got it.
Baltimorons! Baltimorons!
[Cheering]
Here’s the Baltimoron, Cliff Cashen.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo!
All righty. Hey.
Hi. Um, okay.
Yeah, it has, um, been a minute, right?
I guess you can call this a little bit of a Christmas miracle, huh?
All righty. Um…
My partner in crime for the Baltimorons sketch, Sally, is not here tonight, so, uh, I guess she didn’t need her tires rotated along Christmas Eve.
‘Cause we’re in auto shop, guys.
We get it. Do Baltimorons.
Yeah.
Yeah, no. Um, to do the Baltimorons Sketch, you’re gonna need an actual volunteer.
Uh, no thanks.
How about Kayden?
[Crowd “Ohhs”]
Fuck off.
Oh, thank you so much for that.
Good to see you.
Merry Christmas.
And just trying to maintain 50 feet, so…
I’ll do it.
Oh, we got one.
Sit down.
We had one.
We had one and lost him. Okay.
Um, hey, how about you, Paul?
Wanna come up for old time’s sake?
[Mouthing words] Okay.
Uh, Tracy? Gina?
I don’t think so.
This is pathetic.
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Well, you know what?
This has been a ton of fun.
A real blast for everybody who was involved.
Um…
I guess you can call this sketch Flop Sweat, brought to you by my armpit and back hair.
[Scattered laughs]
There’s a couple laughs.
Thanks, guys.
Appreciate it.
Okay, wait, I’ll do it.
No, no, no, no. We don’t need to continue whatever this was.
Okay? It’s all good.
No, we’ll take a seat.
No.
Just get up on the stage.
Okay. Um…
Uh, still no.
It looks like we got a real moron here.
[Applause]
All right. What is your name?
Didi.
Nice. Very pretty name.
Have you, Miss Didi, ever seen or done improv before in your life, ever?
Nope.
Wonderful. Great.
That’s what we’re really hoping for.
Someone who has no idea what they’re doing.
You’re about to experience something that not many people get to go through, which is called a bomb.
It’s an experience you really can’t get anywhere else.
All righty.
For a suggestion, I’m just gonna ask Miss Didi what she does for a living.
I am a dentist.
Great.
This is a new take on the Baltimoron sketch, where one Baltimoron goes to the dentist.
Let’s give us some love.
[Cheers and applause]
[Whispering] What do we do now?
A “yes, and.”
What’s a “yes, and” what to what?
Everything. Okay.
You got me into this.
You’re gonna get me out.
[Knocking]
Hello?
Is this the dentist’s office?
Oh, yeah.
Is there a reason why the door’s locked?
Is it ’cause it’s Christmas Eve or because we’re in Dundalk?
I Okay. Just a heads-up.
We are in a dentist’s office here.
Cool? For everyone involved.
Okay?
Okay.
Awesome. Let’s start up again.
Here we go. And…
Okay.
[Knocks] Come in.
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, I thought you were just gonna have me hang out here with a molar in my hand all day.
No. Come in.
Come in to my dentist’s office.
This is my dentist’s office.
Okay. Is that how you talk to clients?
No. I have a receptionist and she does all this chitchat with them.
We don’t have a receptionist here today, do we?
It’s just me and you on stage, okay?
Okay.
And we’re back in.
Wow.
Is a nice place you have here.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
I designed it myself.
I don’t really love all the Civil War paraphernalia, particularly from the South.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That’s not mine.
Yes, it is. Yes, and it is.
Yes, and it is.
Remember?
Okay. It’s mine?
I don’t know!
Okay. It’s…
Yes, yes.
It’s my uncle’s.
Oh.
‘Cause he was a hardcore racist.
[Whistles] So…
Okay. Yeah. Well, I would think about getting rid of it.
Well, you know what I’m gonna do?
I am going to sell it and
and donate that to the homeless.
What do you think about that?
Wow. That’s really, really nice of you.
It is. If you called ’em by their proper term, it’s unhoused.
That’s strike two.
Oh, Jesus.
No, the name is Jerry.
All right?
But, um, do you use needles in this dentist office?
‘Cause I get a little fainty when needles are around.
Oh, yeah. I use needles.
I love ’em.
I love to stick ’em in real deep.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
I think I got the wrong dentist.
Thank you.
But I’m okay. Goodbye.
Okay. Bye.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the part in the scene where you have to stop me from leaving.
We’re in this together, babe.
Let’s do it.
Okay, let’s keep going.
All right, here we go.
And take two.
That strike three. I’m leaving.
Gotta say something, okay, Didi.
All right.
[Laughter]
Okay.
All right.
It’s just me and you up here.
You don’t wanna be up here by yourself, right?
No, I don’t.
Okay, let’s take it one more time, okay?
Okay.
And action. Take three.
Grab me! Okay.
You scared me.
I didn’t mean to.
Okay. Wait. Wait. Don’t go.
Wh-What is a big guy like you scared of a little needle for?
Wow. Okay. You know what?
You just body shamed me.
Yep. You just called me legally obese.
I did not.
Well, that’s what I heard.
You know, I could have your job for that.
[Crowd murmuring]
Wow. You know what, I’m
I’m really sad now.
I’m
I’m gonna go.
No, no, no. Wait a minute.
Nothing to be afraid of.
It’s just that I’ve been hurt so many times before.
Aw. You’re a real soft shell, aren’t you?
Yeah.
Have a seat.
I’ve never been so scared and turned on in my whole entire life.
This molar just seems to get harder and harder in my hand.
Is that normal, dentally speaking?
[Laughter]
Yes, and.
I feel the same way, and, yes.
You switched it.
It’s okay though.
Okay.
You’re a real Baltimore man, aren’t ya?
Unfortunately, that’s my type.
Whoo!
Me, too, girl.
So I think, um, we need a needle.
Just make it up with your imagination.
Grab it from anywhere.
Okay?
[Crowd “Whoos”]
Good choice.
Ptt. Ptt.
Okay. Sound effect’s a little tacky, but whatever.
Now, don’t worry.
It’s gonna really hurt in the beginning, but after a while, it’s gonna feel really, really, really good.
Geez, um… you know, I’m starting to think I don’t really need the needle.
I think I just need you.
[Downtempo music plays]
[Laughs] Is that romantic Muzak I hear?
♪ I want you to ♪
Do you do this for all your patients, or just the ones look like out of work electricians?
[Laughter]
You know, it’s funny.
I don’t hear a thing.
It must be in your head because I am so pretty.
[Laughs]
Yes, you are.
♪ I want you to remember ♪
♪ All these times together ♪
So what do we do now?
In my, uh, dramaturgy class that I took at Elkton Community College, the professor said that every scene is a seduction scene.
♪ And of all the kisses ♪
So, are you trying to seduce me, Dr. Didi?
♪♪
♪ I want you to ♪
Maybe.
♪ Remember how ♪
♪ I want you to ♪
[Crowd “Oohing”]
[Cheering]
End scene.
[Cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the new and improved Baltimorons!
Give it up for Didi and my guy, Cliff Cashen.
Baltimoron! Baltimoron!
Baltimoron! BaltiHey. Hey, wait up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I gotta go.
Can you just wait one minute?
Can you give me a minute, please?
Why? Why?
Look, I
You were really funny in there, and about the kiss, I didn’t like Oh, God, please, please, it’s fine.
It’s fine.
No, it’s not fine. Okay?
When you were going in for that kiss, I
I panicked ’cause I smelled alcohol on your breath.
I haven’t drank in six months.
I haven’t smelled alcohol in six months.
I-I-I I tried to kill myself.
After I got fired, I attempted to hang myself.
And the only reason why I’m still here is because the belt broke and I was holding a little bit of holiday weight.
Wait, are you…
Are you joking?
Because I don’t know what’s funny here.
No, I’m
I’m really not.
I…
The only reason why I’m still here is ’cause the belt broke.
But it’s kind of funny.
I mean, you you can laugh.
What holiday was six months ago?
I had like 40 corn dogs on the 4th of July.
But that was after the the attempt.
30 minutes ago, I never thought I could do what I did up there with you, sober.
And being up on stage with you just now was like…
So what do you say?
You wanna keep this thing going?
What about your fiancée?
“Hope it was worth it.
I’m going to bed.”
She put her phone on do not disturb.
So this is what it’s like.
What?
Being the other woman.
What do you say, Didi?
You got any ideas?
♪♪
♪♪
So you’ve just been holding on to a key to Conway’s boat for all these years?
Yep. Just in case.
Wow. You’re a damn pirate.
Well, I paid for the damn thing.
Freaking gangster, Didi.
I have been fantasizing about doing this for 15 years.
Is that when you cut the Conway cord?
Conway dumped me.
He dumped you?
Yeah. It was weird.
All around the same time, I went through menopause, Conway dumped me for a much younger woman, and I became a grandmother.
Boom, boom, boom.
Wow. That’s a whole lot of cabbage for one stew.
Mmhmm. I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.
Here we go. Grab that hook.
What are you talking about?
What hook?
The only hook on the boat.
This thing?
Yeah.
Haven’t you ever done this before?
Do I look like someone who’s done this before?
Yeah. You look like someone who’s done this before.
Wow. Okay.
There we go again with the judgment based on appearance.
First, it was, “You’re too big to be afraid of a needle,” which actually is not a thing, and now it’s like the polar bear doesn’t like to play with his water honey.
You’re the one that is calling yourself a polar bear.
Because that’s how you see me, Didi.
I do not!
I’m just kidding. All right?
But if it was Kayden, he’d have your ass.
Oh, I could take him.
Now hook the jug and bring it on in.
What are you saying?
Seriously, I don’t know what a jug is.
It’s a buoy.
Just say buoy.
I know what a buoy is.
Hook the buoy and bring it on in!
There you go. All right.
And put it on the call table.
Copy. What is a call table?
Right there.
There you go. Huh.
I don’t see any.
Nothing. Put it back.
Oh, it’s cold.
Let’s go next time.
Okay, that’s out.
All right, here we go.
Buoy.
Stay up there. We’re gonna go find the next one.
[Engine starts]
♪♪
♪♪
Oh.
It’s like déjà vu. Nothing.
Jug.
♪♪
♪♪
Ah, I’ve been doing this for years.
Can you tell?
Looks like it.
Aw, shoot.
We got one.
We got one!
Yeah, we did!
We got one.
Yes, we did!
[Both laugh]
Yes!
Whoo!
Wow. Definitely medium, possibly a large or a small.
But we got one, so that’s good.
♪♪
♪♪
Getting kind of cold.
Yeah, yeah, it’s really cold.
Yeah.
You wanna put your arm around me?
♪♪
Yeah. Sure.
♪♪
[Laughs] What?
What am I doing?
Your face.
What’s wrong with my face?
[Laughs] What am I doing?
What?
I like your face.
Thank you.
Good face.
Thank you.
You got a good one, too.
[Gasps] Thanks.
Uh-oh.
Nice to meet you.
Good night.
[Grunts] That was your dentist?
Yeah, that was my dentist.
Hey, look, I I know this isn’t a good look, but I swear to you, nothing happened.
Oh, that’s good.
That’s a good that nothing happened.
Because what I thought happened was that you were drowning yourself out there.
Because that’s where your locations was, out in the middle of the water, and I thought you were dead.
My God, Brittany, I am That is so messed up.
I’m sorry.
That was not, like that’s not cool.
No, it’s not.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
Are you drunk?
No. I swear to God.
I-I have not had a sip.
Let me smell your breath.
Okay.
Then have you lost your fucking mind?!
I know, I know.
You I know. I’m sorry.
You ditched me on on Christmas Eve, with my family.
You lie to me.
You run around town with some MILF dentist.
You wanna go to a comedy show.
Now you end up here on a fucking crab boat in the middle of the night?
I know, I know!
And it’s crazy, and it’s not doesn’t look good. I No.
I-I know all that, all right?
But I just…
I did it. Okay?
Did what?
I got up on stage tonight, and I performed.
And I did it, like, completely sober.
I didn’t have anything to drink, and it went really well.
And I– that’s why I just feel like I know it’s scary, but, like, I really think I’m, like can do both at the same time.
Like, I think That’s really great.
I’m really glad that you did a show.
I mean, congratulations.
Now, is this the show that you told me you weren’t gonna do?
No, ye-yeah, yes, it is that show, but, like, I wasn’t really gonna perform.
I swear to God I wasn’t.
But Marvin just brought me up on stage and I
I don’t fucking care! No!
I wasn’t planning on doing it!
I don’t fucking care about Marvin!
But I care!
Okay?
This is a big deal to me.
Do you wanna know what I care about?
Yes, yes, I do.
Do you care about that?
Yes, I do. Yes.
What I care about is chilling the fuck out with my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas because this is the first time I’ve had these days off since I started at the hospital.
And I want to start a family with you.
I know.
Because you told me that that’s what you wanted.
I know. I know I said that.
And now we’re here, at the same old bullshit, and, honestly, it kind of feels like you’re relapsing.
I mean, you don’t seem sober.
You don’t look sober.
And none of this is okay, so what makes you I’m not relapsing.
I’m not relapsing.
This is not a relapse, okay?
It’s not.
I didn’t have anything to drink today at all.
I just had an amazing day.
That’s it.
And I literally just didn’t want it to end.
[Scoffs] Well…
All right, fuck.
I don’t know what’s going on with you.
I don’t even think you know what’s going on with you, But you need to figure it the fuck out.
I’m gonna go sleep at my mom’s.
Brittany, I’m…
♪♪
♪♪
Hey, Dr. Daw.
It’s your favorite dental patient.
Um…I’m really sorry about how all that ended back there, but, uh, I wanted to give you a proper goodbye.
So if you’re up the next couple hours, I’m just gonna be hanging out at Marvin’s.
So gimme a call when you get this.
Bye.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.
[Tires screech]
Shit.
Hey! Hey, sir.
Sir, she didn’t do anything!
Whoa, whoa!
Stand back!
Okay.
I need you to stand back.
I’m getting a DUI, Cliff.
I need you to get around the vehicle.
Sir, I will drive her home, okay?
You do not have to take her to jail.
Step around the vehicle.
I’m not gonna ask you again, sir.
Okay, okay, okay.
4FB4, 4FB4, come in. I’m gonna get you out of there, okay?
[Police radio chatter]
It’s gonna be okay.
It didn’t feel like I had that much to drink.
How much you have?
Two at Conways.
One at the show…
Yeah, you were probably blowing double.
Your liver’s like the size of my thumb.
Thank you for getting her out so quick, Uncle Frank.
Hey, anything you need.
Any time.
Hey is your mom in town for Christmas?
Nope. She’s down in Florida with George.
They moved down there for the tax rebates and haven’t been back since before COVID.
All right, nude sack.
Thanks for saying that.
Tired. Going to bed in the greatest country in the world.
How can I forget?
Merry Christmas.
Nude sack?
Yeah, I didn’t have any hair on my balls for a while.
Just kind of stuck.
Hey, wwhere’s my car?
Oh, yeah.
Uh…
They’re gonna keep that for a while.
Oh, no.
But, luckily, you’re selfemployed, so…
Don’t sweat it.
I can take you home.
♪♪
♪♪
That your first time in the slammer?
♪♪
They have you all in negligee, pillow fighting, or is that just what I imagine?
♪♪
You didn’t get shanked, did you?
[Laughing]
♪♪
♪♪
[Both laugh]
Oh, well, um…
Thank you for an amazing day.
Although we did, you know, wreck your unblemished criminal record.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what’s really funny?
I don’t feel tired anymore.
Yeah?
Do you wanna come in for coffee or
or tea?
Uh…
[Chuckles]
No, no, no.
I’m sorry.
You need to you need to go home.
Actually, um…
I’m not sure I live there anymore.
Hang on a second.
Me lady.
[Chuckles] I can get outta the car on my own, you jackass.
[Both laugh]
Unh!
[Gasps] Seatbelt.
[Chuckles]
Sorry.
[Grunts]
[Laughing] [Groaning]
[Both laugh]
I think I scraped my knee on the bit.
It was worth it.
Yeah.
Wow.
You must have good credit.
You like?
I love.
Dark or medium roast?
Of what?
Can’t you just answer a question?
Apparently not.
Uh…
I don’t see a hook.
Where should I hang my jacket?
Ah.
You remembered.
Just trying to be better.
Just throw it anywhere.
All right.
Can I play your record player?
Sure.
♪♪
That was the song I wanted to dance to at my wedding.
♪♪
♪ There’s a saying old ♪
It’s a great choice.
♪ Says that love is blind ♪
Conway said no.
What did he want?
[Laughs] I can’t.
No, no, no. Come on.
What did he want?
“Orioles Magic.”
♪♪
Wow.
♪ Haven’t found him yet ♪
He got you.
He sure did.
♪ He’s the big affair
I cannot forget ♪
♪ Only man
I ever think of with regret ♪
You wanna dance?
♪♪
You wanna dance with me?
♪♪
Sure do.
♪ There’s a somebody
I’m longin’ to see ♪
Okay.
[Chuckles]
♪ I hope that he
turns out to be ♪
♪ Someone who’ll watch ♪
♪ Over me ♪
Not bad.
My dad taught me.
♪♪
♪ I’m a little lamb
who’s lost in the wood ♪
♪ I know I could ♪
♪ Always be good ♪
♪ To one who’ll watch ♪
♪ Over me ♪
♪♪
♪ Although he may not
be the man ♪
♪ Some girls think of
as handsome ♪
Oh, God.
♪ To my heart,
he carries the key ♪
♪♪
♪ Won’t you tell him, please ♪
♪ To put on some speed? ♪
♪ Follow my lead ♪
♪ Oh, how I need ♪
♪ Someone to watch ♪
♪ Over me ♪
♪♪
Hello?
[Laughs]
[Door squeaks]
Hi.
Hi. Good morning.
I was just on your back porch.
You were on the back porch.
Yeah, I like watching the sunrise.
Pink and blues kind of do it for me.
Think we can make some pancakes?
Do you have flour, milk?
Hold up. Hold up.
What’s going on?
[Chuckles]
Cliff, you gotta go.
Where?
You don’t owe me anything.
I didn’t think I did.
Yesterday was amazing.
Right?
Yeah, it was really great.
But I think we both know that you have to go home to your fiancée, and you have to figure that out.
For your own sake.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Besides, I have Shelby and Maddie and someone I work with coming over, so I gotta…
Yeah.
See you.
♪♪
♪♪
[Door opens]
Cliff?
[Door closes]
Cliff, where are you?
Hey, I’m up here.
I’m okay. I’m okay.
I’m sorry.
Jesus Christ!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Fuck!
Fucking shit.
I’m sorry. I’m not I’m okay.
Are you okay?
Sorry. I just came up here to do some thinking.
That’s all.
What
what
what what
what are you thinking that you had to come up here?
Um…
I was, um… I-I was thinking about this one Christmas, my dad, uh… he was getting presents outta the Cadillac, and, uh…
I guess he got, like, distracted or something, and he shut the trunk, but the Cadillac trunk has the electronic close, so it just went down nice and slow, and it locked his fingers in.
And he was
[Chuckles]
He was screaming at the top of his lungs, like, trying to get my mom and I’s attention, going like, “Cliff!
Cliff, Linda!
Linda!”
Okay, okay.
[Chuckling] And, uh…
We just couldn’t hear him.
And then, um…
[Chuckles]
He just started to yell our, like, house phone number, our landline.
He was going, “3378199!
3378199! Call my wife!
For Pete’s sake!”
Why
Why would he scream the phone number and not just call for help?
I don’t know.
He couldn’t do it.
That’s insane.
You know that, right?
Yeah. Well…
He was.
But you’re not.
Okay?
And you don’t have to kill yourself because your father killed himself.
You understand that, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Do you really?
Yeah, yeah. I know.
‘Cause I don’t know if you do.
I know, I know.
So do you?
Wanna kill yourself?
No.
And, um…
How about drinking?
You wanna drink?
No. I don’t.
Good.
That’s good.
Yeah.
Look, um…
I’m gonna take you off my Tracker app.
‘Cause I can’t worry about where you are or where you’re going or what’s happening.
I-I can’t.
Yeah, I know.
That-that makes sense.
Okay.
I want you to know, I really, really tried to do the, um… to do the normallife thing, and I…
I couldn’t
I… I-I can’t do it.
It doesn’t fit.
Yeah.
Kind of like a double XL trying to fit into a medium.
[Both laugh]
It was never, like, my intention for… to hurt you, so I’m really sorry.
I know.
Do you wanna hug?
Do you wanna hug?
[Both sniffle]
♪♪
♪♪
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Merry Christmas.
Good morning.
I am Cliff.
Hi, Cliff.
Hi, Cliff.
And I’m definitely still an alcoholic.
And that has been made very clear to me in the last 24 hours.
♪♪
♪♪
[Knock on door]
♪♪
Hi.
Can I help you?
Um…is Didi here?
Who is it, hon?
Oh, don’t worry about it.
Can you take the scrapple off the stove?
I think it’s gonna burn.
You must have the wrong address.
Sorry.
It’s okay.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
[Door closes]
Where did she live?
What the heck.
[Garbage thuds, bottles rattle]
Is that you?
What are you doing?
Oh.
Um…
I’m really good friends with the McCallahans, and it’s Christmas, and we go Christmas caroling, but nobody’s ready.
So just kind of waiting.
They give you a present?
Oh, it’s for somebody else.
Is it?
Mmhmm.
Who’s it for?
This doctor.
Well, a dentist that I was fooling around with last night.
Shh! My my family’s right in there.
Come here.
Come on.
I don’t wanna keep yelling.
Listen, take your time.
It’s not as if I’m hosting a brunch or anything.
Hey.
Um…
You want it?
[Gasps] It’s our buddy from last night.
It’s lovely.
And it smells fantastic.
Yeah, it’s been sitting out on a boat for about eight hours, so we call that a slow boil.
I, uh…
I don’t have anything for you.
That’s okay.
I’ll just take whatever you got Maddie.
Where are we going with this, kid?
I have no idea.
I just really like you.
I don’t wanna be messed with.
I’m not gonna.
You’re not gonna.
So… what are your plans for today?
Well, option one is, I drive down to Florida, which I really don’t want to do.
And, uh…that’s all I got.
Well, you could join us.
Just about to open presents.
Really?
I got a honeybaked ham.
[Chuckles] That’s gonna be a problem.
I can’t stand ham.
Really?
Yeah, it’s disgusting.
But, yeah, let’s go on in.
Do you want me to carry this?
Are you kidding me?
It’s unclean.
What kind of person doesn’t like ham?
Lot of people.
Hey!
Look who’s here!
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Maddie! Hey, Shelby!
How are ya? And, um…
Dental Hygienist, Rebecca?
What?
How do you know her name?
Wait, I got one?
I’ve never gotten one!
Hi. How are you?
Cliff Cashen. Good to meet ya.
♪♪
♪♪
