Splitsville (2025)
Director: Michael Angelo Covino
Stars: Dakota Johnson, Adria Arjona, Kyle Marvin, Michael Angelo Covino
Plot: Carey and Ashley’s marriage begins unraveling after they stop to help at the scene of a fatal car crash. Shaken by the event, Ashley confesses she wants a divorce and has been unfaithful. Carey flees to the beach house of his best friend Paul and Paul’s wife Julie, where he learns the couple are in an open relationship. Struggling with betrayal, Carey grows closer to Julie, and one night their bond turns physical. When Paul returns, Carey admits what happened, sparking a violent confrontation between the two men that nearly destroys their friendship. Back with Ashley, Carey proposes adopting an open relationship as a way to salvage their marriage. Ashley reluctantly agrees, soon taking lovers whom Carey ironically welcomes into their home. This arrangement strains them further, while Paul and Julie’s own marriage collapses under financial scandal and resentment. Carey and Julie acknowledge real feelings for one another, though Paul’s jealousy and manipulation continue to hover over them. Amid birthday parties, betrayals, and confrontations, shifting alliances expose how all four adults are entangled in insecurity, desire, and rivalry. As tempers flare and loyalties are tested, their unconventional arrangements leave them circling back to old patterns, unsure whether they are truly liberated or just trapped in new forms of chaos.
* * *
Splitsville (2025) | Transcript
(Buzzing)
(♪ Whenever I Call You “Friend” by Kenny Loggins ♪)
(Man):
This song is so good.
(Woman): I know.
Why is this song so good?
Do you want to duet?
(Man laughing)
Yeah.
♪♪ Whenever I call you “friend” ♪
♪ I begin to think
I understand ♪
♪ Everything we are ♪
♪ You and I have always been ♪
♪ Ever and ever ♪
♪ I see myself
within your eyes ♪
Oh yeah, baby!
♪ And I know this thing
to show me why ♪
♪ Anything I do
always brings me home to you ♪
High note!
♪ Forever and ever ♪
♪ Now I know my life has
given me more than memories ♪
♪ Day by day ♪
♪ We can see ♪
♪ In every moment
there’s a reason to carry on ♪
Oh, shit!
♪ Sweet love showing us
some heavenly light ♪
♪ I’ve never seen
such a beautiful sight ♪
♪ Sweet love showing us
some heavenly light ♪♪
(♪ Song continues quietly
on radio ♪)
You’re not feeling it?
No, I was.
Oh, OK.
Guess what?
What?
We’re doing pottery lessons Saturday.
Oh, I…
I asked you not to do that.
I thought you said you wanted to have new experiences.
Yeah, but I meant, like, sexually.
And besides, pottery is not an experience, it’s an activity.
Pottery can be sexual.
Have you seen the movie Ghost ?
I feel like you need more friends to do things with.
I have friends.
Who? Besides Paul.
Paul…
You. You’re my best friend.
You still want to go?
Yeah, it’s a beach house.
Are you “shore”?
(Laughing)
Yeah. It’s on the water.
Oh, “water” relief.
You’re so dumb!
(Both laughing)
It could be romantic.
Yeah, it could be.
Could be a nice place to make a baby.
Yeah, maybe…
Maybe not yet.
But in the meantime, we can do other stuff.
Oh! I’m so ticklish!
OK, all right.
OK.
Hey…
Take this off.
Thanks.
(Moaning softly)
Hand or mouth?
Oh, hand’s fine. Yeah.
Let me help you out a little.
Oh, wow. OK.
Whoa, OK.
I also got to look at the road.
This is really sexy, but also dangerous.
Oh, shit!
(Laughing)
Exciting.
Do you want to hold my boob?
OK!
(Horn honking)
Thanks.
Yeah?
Yeah, got it.
Is it helping?
Yeah, it’s great.
Yeah, you like that? Yeah?
(Horn honking)
Oh, shit!
Asshole!
(Horn honking)
This guy’s driving like an asshole.
Hey, stay with me!
You seem distracted.
Sorry.
Are you close?
Yeah, I’m close.
Oh. Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
(Both):
What the fuck?
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
(Horn honking steadily)
Holy shit!
Hey, dude.
Hey, how you doing?
Is he OK?
It’s a good thing you were wearing your seat belt.
Where’s my wife?
Where’s his wife?
I don’t know.
You help him, I’ll find her.
OK.
Hey, dude…
I found her!
Hey! Hi!
Are you OK?
She’s not breathing!
Well, do CPR!
OK!
I… I can walk.
Compressions first!
CAB! Compression, air, breath.
I had, like, two beers.
I thought it was ABC!
Air, breath, compression.
No, they changed it.
Who changed it?
It’s chill.
What? I don’t know!
Whoever makes those decisions.
They probably did some kind of a… like a survey.
OK, how many do I do?
What?
How many do I do?
You do, uh, 30.
30 compressions, then 2 breaths, OK?
Then back to compressions.
You’re doing great.
Fuck! I wasn’t counting.
Switch then.
You’re doing great.
You’re doing awesome!
Oh, wake up!
Use straight arms!
Come on, bitch. Wake up!
Really lock those elbows.
Oh, baby, you’re doing so good.
I love it.
I think she’s dead.
No, she’s not dead.
Keep going.
I think she’s dead.
She’s not.
Keep going. Ah, shit.
Should I keep going?
It’s up to you.
What does that mean?
You can keep going if you want, but she’s not coming back.
Why the fuck would I keep going if she’s not coming back?
I don’t know.
Sir, why is your penis out?
Oh, fuck! Sorry!
It’s just…
(Screaming)
Oh, fuck! I clipped it.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, they’re OK.
Everybody’s OK.
Keep moving along.
It’s all right!
I just got a little bit of it.
Tip of it.
Just some butterfly bandages.
Paramedics will be here any second.
Thank goodness the paramedics were there.
And they had butterfly bandages.
Do you think she had a lot of regrets?
The dead woman?
Yeah, I feel like there’s a lot she never got to do.
Everyone has regrets.
Yeah, she drove a minivan.
“Reflection is an intersection.
“Regret is a culdesac.
All we can do is make the best decision we can in the present.”
You’re right.
I mean, technically, you’re right.
It’s from your podcast.
I just need to say it.
What?
What?
Nothing.
“If it isn’t said, you can’t be put to bed.”
Also you. You said that.
I’m sorry, I love quoting you.
I need to get out.
What? Oh, OK, all right.
I…
No, Carey. Not the car.
You.
Oh, OK.
No, Carey, not… Jesus!
Not you! Our marriage.
There, I said it. II can’t…
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m sorry. Fuck!
Please don’t say that.
I want to get divorced.
You can’t say you want you want a divorce just because of a neardeath experience.
That wasn’t a neardeath experience.
That was a death experience.
She’s dead.
It’s still not a real reason.
I’m unfaithful.
I’ve been unfaithful.
Are you saying that just because you needed a real reason or have you actually…
Actually.
OK. Fuck!
Sorry.
OK…
Just one time?
Two?
Please don’t make me count. Three?
OK, forget it.
I don’t want to know.
I forgive you.
So… We’re going to just work this out.
I don’t know that I want to work this out.
But I love you so much.
Yeah. I know.
And I love you so much.
But I… I’ve been feeling this way for a while.
God, how do I put this?
Um…
Oh, I wrote it down.
What?
Yeah, I…
Oh, here, got it.
Were you planning this?
No, I wasn’t.
I mean, yes.
At some point.
But no. I wasn’t planning this exact experience.
Here, I… Um…
I’m just… It’s not…
It’s not ready.
II didn’t think I was going to read it to you right now.
But I can just…
I’ll just fix it as I go.
OK, um…
“Carey, my love.
“This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written.
We’ve only been married for 13…”
Yeah. Oh, shit.
“…uh, 14 months.
“And we’ve been building this life together, “but it doesn’t feel like my life.
“I feel like we’re just existing, but…
“I don’t want to exist.
I…”
Oh, shit, where was I?
“I don’t want to exist.
I want to grow.
And maybe it’s because I’ve only been with 7 people”
I thought I was your fourth.
You are.
Can you just let me…
This isn’t about sex.
I mean, it’s not just about sex.
It’s also about desire and…
Carey!
(Grunting)
Carey! I wasn’t done!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Ah…
(Panting)
Ah…
Oh!
(Groaning)
Hey, guys!
Can I get a ride on your…
Can I get a ride on your boat?
Hey…
(Panting)
You OK?
No!
You have any water?
Yeah.
Hey, Derek! You got to finish the siding on this pool.
Oh, man! You look like shit.
Yeah, I am like shit.
What, did you swim here?
Partially.
Hey, Coach Carey!
Hey, Russ! Good form, man!
How you doing?
Great. Dad said I could get a dog.
I did not say you could get a dog.
Who’s gonna pick up dog shit? You?
Sure!
No, you’re not.
I got him a fish tank, he won’t stop about this goddamn dog.
Ashley wants a divorce.
She said it.
I’m sorry, honey.
Come inside and shower and change.
I don’t even have clothes.
Or my phone.
I think I left it.
Dad, can we do fireworks?
Yeah, later.
Actually, Ashley stopped by a couple hours ago.
What? Is she still here?
No, she dropped your bag off.
Did she say anything?
That you were breaking up.
I told her to go fuck herself and we never want to see her again.
What? Why would you say that?
Because I wanted her to know where we stand: with you.
I don’t want there to be a “with me.”
He didn’t say that.
I would have, but she left very quickly.
That’s Fiuggi water, by the way.
It’s, like, $20 a bottle.
Apparently, it’s the only water the Pope drinks.
Besides wine, obviously.
I imagine the Pope drinks wine.
Oh, God.
This is normal, right?
People go through stuff like this in the first year of marriage.
No.
(Paul):
Apparently, it cures the gout.
I don’t want to get a divorce.
No one does.
She does.
Yeah.
(Paul):
Want some Japanese whisky?
I got it imported from Japan.
Oh, no. No, no!
Uh, maybe just this one, ’cause it’s…
And you’re, you know.
Yeah.
Divorce isn’t that big a deal.
‘Cause you don’t have one of those.
That’s true!
If you don’t have kids…
Or money.
…divorce is just like a regular breakup.
And you don’t have either.
I know.
We have money and a kid.
We can never get divorced.
Mmm. That’s the only reason we’re still together.
(Fireworks whistling, exploding)
I love you.
I love you!
I’d love a shower.
(Firework exploding loudly)
Oh, goddammit!
Oh!
Russ!
Do not shoot them at the neighbors!
That’s, like, $3,000 of fireworks.
(Crying softly)
It’s gonna be OK.
Oh, shit!
Fuck, I got soap in my eyes!
I don’t want to downplay it, but I feel like this might be a good thing.
It’s not!
Being married is a good thing.
Have you checked for ticks?
No, I’m OK!
You should check for ticks.
What?
Oh…
Careful, it’s wet.
Carey, listen to me.
I’m your best friend.
But you married a life coach.
What did you expect?
I don’t know.
To stay married?
Remember when we went wine tasting in the Finger Lakes, and she refused to drink anything but Italian wines?
She hates Riesling.
Everyone does.
That’s not the point.
What’s the point?
Lift.
The point is do you want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you?
You don’t. What’s going on?
Checking for ticks.
Can I please just take a shower and cry by myself?
Of course, I just need to know what kind of wine we’re drinking.
Ashley’s really into orange wines these days.
Jesus Christ, we need to shock the system.
What? Oh, fuck! That’s cold!
Ah! Ah!
Ah, fuck!
Can I have a towel?
You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I am sorry for myself.
She cheated on me.
Really?
You didn’t mention that.
My dad used to say:
“It washes off in the shower.”
What does?
It doesn’t.
I know it feels like a big deal.
But if you make it OK, it’s not cheating. It’s OK.
You’re OK with it?
I read a book.
It was an article.
Whatever. We’re open.
Are you guys fucking with me right now?
We are not monogamous.
He can do what he wants, and I don’t want to know about it.
Unless I do want to know about it.
In which case I would ask, and he would tell me everything.
Mmhmm.
Yeah, it’s not like we’re dating other people.
It’s not polyamory.
We’re not reinventing the wheel.
I don’t have another family with, like, another fish tank.
This is blowing my mind.
We’re just realistic, you know?
We love each other.
And that love is physical and emotional and spiritual, and the emotional and the spiritual are more important.
So we’re a little bit more flexible with the physical.
You’re very flexible with the physical.
I do Pilates.
OK, hold on a second.
Whose idea was this?
Mmm.
Both…
Both of ours.
OK, you’re telling me that if she goes out, finds someone, and they hit it off, and then they decide to go do some doggy style in the back of a pickup truck in a parking lot somewhere, you’re… you can handle that?
That is really romantic.
If she can handle that, I can handle that.
OK, what if it’s someone you know?
I don’t care who it is.
Really?
Yeah, why would I care?
I’m, like, a self-realized individual.
You two could have sex, it wouldn’t bother me.
Wow!
Well, with that gleaming endorsement, let me just saddle up over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy!
Look at this.
I’m a horse! Giddy up!
You kind of are.
I saw you in the shower.
Hey, quick question.
What’s a horse’s favorite wine?
What?
“Chardonneigh.”
That is not funny.
“Chardonneigh.”
Are you not embarrassed?
Don’t be jealous, baby!
You have great feet.
Thanks!
He was talking to me.
That one’s Paul.
Mmhmm.
The one right here is Benedict.
This one…
Mmhmm?
That one’s Frances.
This one, the little one…
Yeah.
He’s John Paul II.
You name them after the Pope?
Dad’s getting me a Leo XIV when he gets back from the city.
You think I could still get that lesson?
Sure. If you make me a coffee.
Cool.
Hey, Russ, what’s going on?
I’m tired.
I’m going to go take a nap.
Hey! Where is he?
Where did he go?
Hey, man! What’s going on?
That little asshole stole my jet ski.
Whoa, you need to slow down!
I’m not slowing down!
Your son stole my fucking jet ski!
He’s not my son.
He crashed it into a rock!
Your jet ski is right there!
My other jet ski!
OK.
It was a Yamaha!
Russ, can you come down here?
Are you sure it was him?
I watched him do it!
OK, all right, fine.
Well, if he’s responsible and something’s broken, we can fix it.
No, we can’t fix it!
It’s at the bottom of the Long Island fucking Sound!
He sank it!
Calm down, dude.
I’m not calming down.
He’s a little asshole.
Don’t call him an asshole!
You! Little asshole!
Hey, what did I say?
What’s going on?
You think it’s fun to sink jet skis?
No.
Russ, go back to sleep.
Your son needs a beating.
Hey!
My son has been sound asleep.
It’s his nap time.
Maybe you need a beating.
You need to put a muzzle on that wife of yours.
What the fuck?
What the fuck…
(Both grunting)
It’s your nap time!
Hey…
Nice, Mom!
I feel like I’m raising a more energetic, tiny version of my husband.
I know. It’s so cool.
Mmm…
You know, when we were 12, Paul stole a snowplow.
Just drove it around, plowing stuff.
Then he crashed it into a tree.
I ended up taking the blame.
OK, open it.
Oh, wow!
Pull it.
OK! All right, here we go.
And into the water.
All right.
(Sizzling)
Oh! That’s a sizzly one.
It’s amazing.
It’s cool, right?
It’s incredible!
The thermal shock of pulling it at the height of firing is unpredictable.
So every piece is unique.
How do you know so much?
I lived in Japan for a bit.
Traditionally, you’re meant to use lead in the glaze.
But that is a poison, so I don’t do that.
Thanks for giving me this whole lesson.
How’s he doing in your class?
He’s determined. Doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.
Mmhmm.
And so what? Yeah, he gets in trouble once in a while.
He got every single answer wrong on his last math test, which is, like, statistically impossible, even if you filled it all in at random.
It’s crazy!
Yeah, well, he’s great in gym, so…
(Laughing)
You know, we came out here to really spend time with him, but Paul keeps going back to the city.
Yeah, he’s always working.
That’s his thing.
No, he’s not.
He’s fucking someone.
How do you know that?
When Paul goes to the city for work, he’s fucking someone.
And it’s OK, ’cause we said it was OK.
But right now, he’s choosing that over being here.
Well, Paul’s an idiot.
That’s like…
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck. Oh!
Oh! I can just use my shirt.
Don’t do that. I’ll get it.
OK. But it’s purple.
Why don’t you tell him to stop, that you just don’t want to do it anymore?
Do you know why people break up?
Yeah, cheating.
Guilt.
But if you make the bad thing OK, then there’s no guilt.
Or… maybe just stop doing the bad thing.
Yeah.
Or that.
You know, when Paul and I first met, he was hooking up with my roommate.
Oh yeah. Carmen.
She was a whole thing.
And one day, while she was getting ready, he asked me out.
And I was like: “No, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
And then he just kept showing up and he kept asking me.
And he’s still that guy, you know?
And I don’t expect him to change.
But in moments like this, I can’t help but be sad.
And really fucking angry.
I’m sorry.
Ashley and I met at a Fray concert.
You know, the band.
Mmhmm.
How to Save a Life.
(Chuckling)
We were both dancing and singing.
Then we started kissing.
And then, more than kissing.
And dating.
Last year, I tried to surprise her by buying tickets.
And when I told her about it, she said she had plans.
It’s OK.
No, it’s not.
Because The Fray broke up.
And now we broke up.
Yeah.
I guess I’m just sad and angry, too.
I’m sorry.
I’m gonna make a sandwich.
Um…
OK.
I saw some peanut butter there.
Do you want a sandwich?
‘Cause…
(Birds chirping)
No, we’re not going to modify the existing leases.
Because, I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this this many times, but the entire purpose of buying these buildings is to deliver them vacant.
That’s why we offer them 3 months free.
Well, what were you doing last night?
Why would I purchase a building in the Bronx if I can’t renovate it?
What would even be the purpose?
What the fuck happened here?
Julie!
She went out with Russ.
Hey, let me call you back.
(Sighing)
Son of a bitch!
This is like a…
I don’t even want to tell you how much this rug costs.
I’m sorry we spilled a little wine.
$20,000.
It’s a $20,000 rug.
Were you gonna say anything?
Or were you just gonna half clean it and expect me not to notice a stain on my $25,000 rug?
Did it just get more expensive?
They tend to, yeah.
OK. Well, I’m sorry.
That’s OK. It’s just a rug.
Yeah.
OK.
(Sighing)
A fucking nice rug.
By the way, Julie and I had sex last night.
Together.
While you were in town.
Well, I know you guys are in this open ethically non–
OK…
So, you’re mad.
No, that was…
I’m not mad.
It was sort of a reflex.
OK, because if you’re mad, we should just talk about it.
That was more of a delayed reaction.
Yeah, I’m mad.
We can talk about
(Both grunting)
Motherfucker!
Just chill.
I’m gonna fucking kill you.
You gonna chill?
No! I’m gonna kill you!
That’s not chill!
Calm down. Calm down!
Ow, that’s a full Nelson.
It’s illegal! It’s illegal!
This isn’t wrestling!
Yeah, it is.
OK, just calm down.
I’m chill.
Calm? Chill?
OK, I’m calm.
I’m gonna let you go.
Yeah, I’m calm.
Oh, fuck! I think you pinched my C4.
I’m telling you, we just need to talk, all right?
OK, OK.
Whoa!
Talk about that, motherfucker!
I don’t want to fight you!
I’ve been teaching my 8th graders Aikido!
Nonviolence, it’s…
It’s about de-escalation.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
(Both grunting)
Which you’re not doing.
Oh!
(Both screaming)
Motherfucker!
No biting! No biting!
No biting, fuck!
What are you doing?
No tapping.
Ah!
(Both grunting)
OK, let’s just…
Ah! Fuck! My arm!
You gotta stop throwing haymakers!
Look, I’m sorry. How do you–
Oh! Ah!
(Groaning)
What did you guys do? Sex?
Or other stuff?
Sex.
And then some other stuff.
(Screaming)
What are you… Ah!
What the fuck?
(Both): No knives!
Where did it happen?
In here.
I’m gonna…
Oh, fuck! My leg!
Oh fuck, my leg!
I’m gonna fucking kill you…
Was it fun?
Hey!
(Both grunting, glass shattering)
Missed me!
Fuck, no!
OK. OK, chill. Ow!
Whoa! Oh!
Ah!
Oh, shit!
I’m sorry, Paul.
(Objects clattering)
I said I’m sorry.
Come on, man! Fuck!
You said it was fine!
It’s not!
Surprise!
Sorry! Batter’s instinct.
(Screaming)
Shit, shit!
The fish! Pick them up, pick them up!
Where are you going?
Save John Paul!
Which one is John Paul?
John Paul! Ah!
I got one! I got one!
There you go.
Ah, fuck! It stung me!
That one sucks, leave that one.
Oh!
Oh, sorry.
We did it.
We saved you.
You’re alive, guys.
(Gasping)
Fish slapped you!
(Screaming)
No, no, no!
(Screaming)
Oh, oh!
That was close.
You almost got me.
(Both screaming)
(♪ A Little Love and Understanding by Gilbert Bécaud ♪)
♪♪ You’re on your own
and what you need’s ♪
♪ A little love
and understanding ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ A little warmth
to tell your soul ♪
♪ A gentle bird… ♪
That was so fun, wasn’t it?
Yeah.
We don’t have to steal jet skis.
If you need an adventure, you can just get in the canoe.
♪ You’re in that city far away ♪
♪ I’m on the ship
way out at sea ♪
(Both grunting)
♪ You got some problems ♪
What are you guys doing?
♪ You can’t face ♪
♪ So leave them behind ♪♪
I’m sorry.
What are you sorry for?
For overreacting.
To something I didn’t have a right to overreact to.
OK.
Good.
Carey, what are you sorry for?
For having sex with you.
No?
For hurting my best friend?
And I’m sorry for not realizing the effect that this might have.
It’s really not that big of a deal if you think about it.
It washes off in the shower.
Paul…
What does?
We don’t have to do this anymore.
No, no, babe, I’m good.
I don’t need to be with other people.
No, it’s OK, I can handle it.
Seriously, I’m fine.
Don’t worry about it.
We can continue.
It was a genuine overreaction on my part.
It was sort of an out-of-body experience.
I wasn’t really aware of what I was doing until after the fact.
It was kind of like…
a werewolf situation.
I’m good.
OK.
Can you just not do it with him again?
(Chuckling)
I won’t.
Promise?
Promise.
You should…
You should promise, too.
I promise, too.
(Sighing)
OK, well, I guess we’re going out for dinner.
Yeah, I can’t, I have to go back to the city.
Unfortunately.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, I’m not fucking kidding you. OK?
I’m in the middle of a fucking negotiation on a 34unit building in Chinatown, and they are like…
Have you ever negotiated with the Chinese?
It’s a whole different thing.
Paul!
You’re always on your back foot.
You told Russ we’d go to Great Thrills tomorrow.
We can go to Great Thrills next week.
You can go next week.
We’re gonna go tomorrow.
(All screaming)
(♪ Pásky z cÃvek odvÃjÃm by ORM ♪)
♪ ♪
(Screaming)
Yeah!
Get it!
Step right up!
OK, one more, one more.
Oh, man!
That was a good try.
Throw a ball, win a fish.
Can I go another?
It’s so expensive.
But I need new fish.
Step right up!
Can I just buy some fish from you?
This isn’t a pet shop.
Thank you.
You got it.
(Ball bouncing)
OK.
OK!
Hi!
Hey.
Hey.
Excuse me.
How’s it going?
We’re just burning through cash.
So, you’re Russ?
Yeah.
I’ve heard a lot about you.
Nice to meet you.
This is Connor.
I call him Conair.
Who’s this?
We just met.
All right, let me have a go.
Mind if I jump in?
Sure!
Here. Here’s $100.
We’ll play for a bit.
Works for me.
Wow!
Shhh, shhh.
What are you gonna do with all the fish?
Bang.
Holy shit! That was awesome!
Thanks.
Why are you so good at that?
I just have a very soft touch.
Most of the time.
If you behave yourself.
Is that your husband staring at us?
No, he’s my friend.
This is your friend?
That’s Carey.
Carey! Go ahead and “carry” this?
How many do you want, Russ?
All of them.
All of them?
Guys, come.
Let’s get the front row.
Oh, hey. No, I’m with them.
No, this one’s full.
You gotta go back.
Sorry.
What the hell?
I just need to get on.
Oh. Can you take these?
No, man, that’s all you.
No?
Hold my hand!
We should probably hold hands too.
Russ, I got your fish safe and sound, man.
(Woman screaming)
Wait… This is a bad idea.
Hold on! I got your fish!
Oh, fuck!
(Screaming)
I’m holding…
Oh no, I lost you!
(Screaming)
Oh, fuck, I just…
Oh no, ah!
Come on, guys!
Come on, fish!
(Screaming)
Two left! I got two left.
I got one left. I got one…
(Wailing)
Oh yeah. Cambodia, Machu Picchu, all the big countries. Africa.
I’ve done a lot of work with Doctors Without Borders.
Are you a doctor?
No, I just run their socials.
Guys, what do you want to do next?
Bumper cars!
Yeah, bumper cars!
I can do that.
You want to do bumper cars?
Yeah!
Buckle up!
Hey! She’s not doing bumper cars.
Carey!
She has a husband, and he’s a great guy.
And he happens to be my best friend, so she’s not doing bumper cars.
I know what bumper cars leads to.
What do bumper cars lead to?
If she wants to do bumper cars, she can.
I know who you are, slick fucking handsome theme park guy, huh?
Hitting on moms.
I bet that’s not even your kid.
What’s your fucking problem?
What’s my problem?
You want to do bumper cars?
Let’s do fucking bumper cars!
Hey, hey, hey!
You wanna do bumper cars?
Carey, what the fuck?
What is wrong with you?
What are you doing?
Nothing!
What is wrong with you?
Why are you being like this?
Because you’re married.
To my best friend.
(Scoffing)
It didn’t stop you!
That’s a mistake.
Was it?
This whole overprotective thing you’re doing, is that for Paul or is it for you?
Paul.
Right.
Well, Paul doesn’t care.
You heard him.
Fine. I care.
OK?
I know you guys are all emotionally sophisticated and whatever, but when you sleep with someone, your body makes a commitment whether you do or not.
What does that…
Is that
Vanilla Sky , yes.
But it doesn’t make it any less true.
It’s just… The other night, I keep thinking about it.
Think about something else.
(Man and woman breathing heavily)
(Man): That was, like, really good, yeah?
Yeah!
You got great endurance.
(Both laughing)
Hey, what’s your favorite band?
Gun to my head, I’d probably say Macklemore.
Or me!
You play?
Yeah, yeah.
OK. Want to play me some?
Yeah!
Do you want some tea?
Uh, yeah, I’ll take an Arnold Palmer if you got one.
Uh, I don’t think I have that.
But I have chamomile or rooibos.
I’m good.
OK.
How long have you been a bartender for?
Like, 8 months.
It’s kind of like the first thing I’m really good at.
I feel like we’ve established you’re good at other stuff too.
Like what?
Sex! You’re really good at sex.
Thank you!
You know, I think you’re pretty good, too.
You might have scratched me, though.
Hey! Coño!
No, it’s OK!
I kind of liked it.
What are you doing here?
I’m eating a sandwich.
What the fuck happened to your eyebrows?
They burnt.
♪♪ Baby girl,
come back to bed ♪
♪ I think the blood
is rushing from my head ♪
♪ Down between my legs again ♪
♪ And I’m ready for some more ♪
♪ And I kind of liked the way
you scratched my back ♪
♪ And I’m going to
scratch you back ♪♪
Who are you?
Carey.
Jackson, this is my husband, Carey.
Is this wavy?
This is wavy.
You want a sandwich?
Yeah, sure.
Cool. You like meat?
Yeah, I like meats.
What are you doing?
Making another sandwich.
Carey, we can’t both live here.
You know that, right?
Why not?
We talked about this.
No, we didn’t.
Right.
I didn’t finish my letter.
I don’t want to hear your fucking letter!
Whoa, Jesus!
Sorry, I took the Jitney here and I’m tired.
So I’ll probably just go to bed.
Here?
Yeah, the couch is fine.
No, the couch is not fine.
This place has no walls.
And I have to meet a client in the morning.
Well, on the meat front, this sandwich goes hard.
Hey, Jackson, you want some iced tea?
I made some iced tea.
And there’s lemons in there.
So I think that’s an Arnold Palmer.
Legend.
Carey…
I’m sure this is all, you know, very painful for you.
But we need to figure this out.
Figure what out?
Divorce.
If you could just let me finish the letter
No. Hey. Listen, Ashley.
I get it. You want to sleep with other people.
We don’t need a divorce for that.
What do you mean?
It’s a lot of work.
It doesn’t have to be.
I mean, we don’t have kids, we don’t have money.
Exactly, we don’t have a reason to get divorced.
Unless you definitively want me out of your life.
No, I don’t definitively want you out of my life.
OK.
What if we kept it open?
Like, an open relationship?
Yeah, sure.
OK. Um, what does that entail?
What are the rules?
What do you want the rules to be?
I don’t want rules.
Great. No rules.
OK, what if…
What if I meet someone?
(Burping)
And it’s serious?
Then, we get divorced.
Yeah, I feel like this is a defense mechanism.
And you’re actually in a lot of pain.
And that’s OK.
No!
I’m not. I’m wavy.
I slept with someone too.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, it’s good.
So it’s all good.
We don’t have to talk about it.
We’re even.
OK.
You guys are so inspiring.
I hope I’m this mature when I’m your age.
(Carey):
Thanks, Jackson.
We’re not that old. Go to bed.
I’m going to be seeing people, and they’re gonna be around.
Cool! So will I!
I’m not jealous.
OK.
Well, if it’s good with you, it’s good with me!
That’s more than good with me.
Um, maybe we can get rid of the airhockey table and just put a blowup mattress in the Carey corner?
Or not.
Couch is good.
Or the ledge or…
OK.
I’ll find something.
Good night.
Good night!
Sleep well.
Yeah, you too.
(Jackson laughing)
Shhh!
(Jackson and Ashley whispering, indistinct)
(Cracking)
Oh, ho ho! Whoa!
How does that feel?
Holy shit!
Yeah, you got some tightness in your temporal muscle, man.
Open your jaw.
Fede, please come!
Yeah!
(Speaking Spanish)
(♪ Upbeat music on stereo ♪)
Those ‘fits are tight.
You guys are real committed.
My commitment knows no bounds.
What are you doing here?
We talked about this.
Carey’s helping with my resume.
You guys used to date?
Briefly.
Let’s… Let’s just go.
Let’s go.
Jackson, you gotta decide what you want to do.
Well, this chiropractor thing seems pretty tight.
No, that’s a doctor.
You gotta go to school for that.
What are you good at?
Dogs.
Football.
Paintball. Bench press.
OK.
I can fit a whole lemon in my mouth.
No! Spit it out!
Spit it out!
(Record skipping)
You go handle the music.
I’ll handle the resume.
(♪ Smooth melody ♪)
Mmm!
(Door opening)
Oh my God!
That was so relaxing.
What an experience!
How was it?
The sound bath?
Oh, it was so zen!
Hari om.
Hari om.
Oh!
How about you try a regular bath?
Oh my God.
Hello, bonita !
That was a funny one.
But I’ll have you know that body odor stems from stress.
And I, I hold none.
Really?
Can… Can you teach me that?
Of course. Come.
Carey, this has to stop.
I know what you’re doing.
What am I doing?
Why is Fede here?
‘Cause he’s my friend.
But why is he still here?
He’s having a hard time.
Because I broke up with him?
Yeah. Probably has something to do with it.
We only dated for two weeks!
Yeah, well…
Two weeks!
(Dinging, resonating)
Oh, sorry, guys!
Good vibrations.
I made you some rooibos.
Game time!
Jackson, you’re really good at this.
Stay focused.
You’re only down by three.
You can still come back.
Yo, where you going?
To a concert.
Oh, shit! I forgot my glow sticks.
And my lollipops.
(Music stops)
What concert are you going to?
Chris Stapleton.
I thought you didn’t like country.
♪ That was before my time ♪
Well, it’s growing on me.
What are y’all watching?
Lorenzo’s Oil.
(Speaking Spanish)
(Door buzzing)
No, no! No habla español. No habla español. Gringa! What the fuck are you doing here?
I’m here to talk to your husband, Brutus.
Carey, Paul’s here.
Hey, Paul! You OK?
No, I’m not OK.
She kicked me out.
Oh, sorry.
I need a place to stay.
No! No, no.
I was talking to him.
It’s my apartment, too. No.
Go home, talk to your wife.
Fix it.
I can’t fix it. OK?
I don’t care.
I’ve been staying at a hotel.
She won’t take my calls.
And my credit card’s not working.
I can loan you some money.
No, no.
No more loans, OK? I need you to help me fix this.
Ever since you guys had sex…
Wait, wait.
…it’s been worse and…
What?
That’s who you slept with?
Right behind our backs.
When?
After you asked for our divorce.
I didn’t expect that.
Me neither.
I said I was sorry.
What more do you want from me?
I don’t know!
I don’t know what to do.
I just feel like everything is very, very imbalanced, and we need to find a way to restore the balance.
And you had sex with my wife, so maybe, I don’t know…
No fucking way!
What is wrong with you?
You have sex with my wife, but I can’t with yours?
On what fucking planet, Paul?
I don’t want to have sex with you either.
I just want my wife back. Why is everything so complicated?
I’m not that bad-looking.
It has nothing to do with looks!
This kind of shit happens all the time.
Come on, Sutton, let’s go.
Who are they?
Her lovers.
Ex-lovers. Go home.
Hey, movie night every Thursday.
Next week’s Doctor Zhivago .
OK, fill me in.
What did I miss?
They’re trying to make an oil to save their son, Lorenzo.
I need to get my bags.
He’s got some disease.
I think like an ALS.
ALD.
Yeah, ALDS.
No, that’s a baseball thing.
You got to win that to get to the World Series.
No way this kid’s going to the World Series.
(♪ Metal blaring on headphones ♪)
Russ, what day is your assignment due for your biodiversity class?
Russ!
Come on, honey, you know the rules.
No headphones in the car.
If you want to listen, just plug it in.
I was asking you what day your assignment is due.
(♪ Metal blaring on stereo ♪)
What is this?
Aborted Fetus.
I like it.
It’s nice.
Just gonna turn it down a little.
A little bit.
(Sighing)
Listen, honey…
If you’re upset, it’s OK to be upset.
I’m upset, too.
Sometimes, in life, you have to deal with difficult emotions.
And you have to…
(People talking, indistinct)
What up, Russ?
Hey, coach Carey.
Guess what? Volleyball today!
Whatever.
Sweet headphones.
Hey! How you been?
Hi!
(Horns honking)
Been better.
Same.
Hold on!
(Woman): Carey, hey!
You got to talk to Paul.
I have Pilates!
Do I?
Yeah. He’s been staying with me.
We don’t have a lot of room at our place.
I had to move the hockey table.
Can you believe this shit?
The gym teacher’s on drop-offs!
Hey! Stop honking!
Did he tell you what happened?
Yeah. That you kicked him out.
(Horns honking)
Fuck you!
Stop honking, Mary!
Oh, God!
I have the sign.
I’ll tell you when to go.
Go back to the gym!
They make me do this on Tuesday.
I don’t want to be here either.
Get in.
I got to…
Yeah, you’re right. Fuck it.
All right, you’re on your own.
Watch out for kids.
There you go!
(Horns honking)
Do you want to know what really happened?
Yeah.
Well, he was totally overleveraged in real estate.
And it all completely blew up.
And he shut the company down last week.
Holy shit!
What? He didn’t mention any of that to you?
No!
(Sighing)
How bad is it?
It’s a fucking mess.
I don’t know all the details, but I…
We could lose everything.
They froze our accounts!
Whoa.
How’s Russ doing?
I don’t know. Not great.
I don’t know how to explain to him what’s going on because I…
I don’t understand myself.
You should talk to Paul.
Did he ask you to talk to me?
Is that why you’re talking to me?
No!
OK. Yeah.
He did ask me to talk to you.
But that’s not why I’m talking to you.
I just like talking to you.
You tell Paul that I’m not talking to him because I don’t believe a word that comes out of his fucking mouth.
OK, I’ll let him know.
(Woman): Brandon Lugiana, do not do that!
(Sighing)
I think about you all the time.
I know you guys are in an open relationship, and it’s not a big deal to you, but it was to me.
(Sighing)
It was for me, too.
Really?
I never did it.
Did what?
I never slept with anyone else.
But you did with me.
Yes, I did.
You were there.
Yeah, I was.
Mmhmm.
OK, cool. I got to go.
OK, bye.
OK.
♪♪ Yeah ♪
(♪ Pasta E Fagioli
by Celso Valli ♪)
♪ ♪
♪ I feel so silly
without my pasta e fagioli ♪
♪ Can’t have nobody
without my pasta e fagioli ♪
♪ I need somebody to lick
my pasta e fagioli ♪
♪ Pasta e fagioli! ♪♪
Oh, wow! It is so good!
This pasta e fagioli slaps.
Mmm! It’s perfecto !
Grazie.
Excuse me a minute?
Is he OK?
He’s fine.
He’s got the sad sads, ’cause someone never officially benched him.
I never officially dated him.
You know what’s official?
Marriage.
Marriage is official.
Hey, Paul, how long are you staying?
As long as it takes.
As long as what takes?
Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late.
We went into overtime.
Game was great.
I mean, we lost, but the girls were great.
Carey, I saved you a bowl.
I would have made more, but I didn’t know I was cooking for so many.
You weren’t supposed to.
It’s OK, Antoneta.
I have plans.
I gotta take a shower.
Wow! Busy guy.
I get it, man.
I don’t think you do.
I can fix anything, anything.
Bad posture, migraines, scoliosis, ruptured discs…
I can’t fix this.
It just feels like the universe is out of alignment, and I can’t adjust it.
I really get it.
Do you?
Yeah.
(Sighing)
Thanks, man.
Oh! Um…
You should go talk to her about it, OK?
Hey, you ever hire people with, like, no experience whatsoever?
Yeah! You can pay them less.
Wait, how much do you pay them?
$2.75 an hour.
That’s not even minimum wage.
Yeah. That’s what tips are for.
Food prices, you can’t control.
But you can always pay the staff less.
When they burn out, there’s always people looking for work!
I’m looking for work.
Yeah, it’s really competitive right now.
Cute butt!
Jesus Christ, Ashley!
Can I have some privacy?
I’ve seen you naked before.
Yeah, but not since everything happened.
OK, well, here we are.
What are you doing?
I’m just brushing my teeth.
Mmm…
You know what?
I can’t have all these people in our apartment.
They’re your lovers!
Exlovers.
You broke up with Antoneta?
No, but when I do, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t invite her.
OK, well, Tuesday’s FIFA night, and she’s already in a bracket, so it’s going to be a little tricky.
Carey.
You’re the one who told me I needed to make friends.
Do you like it?
Yeah, you look great.
Is it too much?
No, it’s never too much.
You should try one with a low back, ’cause you have a great back.
This one has a low back.
Oh.
Yeah, it’s perfect.
We’re supposed to go see a mentalist tonight.
But, I mean, I can totally cancel.
We could stay in, watch a movie, just us two.
I have plans.
Oh.
What plans?
Paul.
Goddamn it!
Paul, go home!
Hey, everyone!
Everyone needs to leave!
I will happily leave as soon as my wife starts talking to me again.
Speaking of which, have you, uh, talked to her?
Not yet.
Oh, wow! That’s a shame.
I thought for sure you might have run into her dropping Russ off at school.
I didn’t.
Are you sure you didn’t do something to make her so upset?
No, nothing I can think of.
Nothing at all?
No, nothing.
Why, do you know something?
No.
What the fuck is going on?
(Both): Nothing.
Who do you have plans with?
A woman.
I didn’t know you were dating someone.
Yeah, me neither.
It’s very new.
I’d love to meet her.
Yeah, me too.
So would I.
(Speaking Spanish)
Fede, I told you to leave!
(Speaking Spanish)
They got to go.
OK.
They got to go.
Guys, you got to go.
Everybody, out!
Come on, Fede!
Get out of the fucking house, dude.
I think you should go.
(Ashley): Go home!
No, no, no, she doesn’t mean me.
(Birds chirping)
(Phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes!
OK, what happened?
(Truck beeping)
OK, I’m coming now.
Yes, I’m on my way now.
Hey!
No, no, no! What are you doing?
Are you taking my car?
Oh, it’s my car now.
You can’t! Sir!
You cannot take my car!
I need my car right now!
I need my car!
And that sums up why my second wife left me.
Connie. She was a good woman.
My third wife… Ay, ay, ay.
Sorry about the whole car thing!
Good luck.
Hey.
Don’t admit anything, OK?
Deny, deny, deny.
Deny.
Deny.
I’m sorry, Mom.
Hey, have you checked your messages?
Mr. and Mrs. Piampiano.
Would you join me, please?
Don’t say anything.
We will handle this.
OK.
(Door closing)
(Sighing)
What’s going on with you?
He did it to me first.
Did what?
Brandon Lugiana pantsed me in front of Lauren Whittenberg.
Then they got caught around my ankles, so everyone saw everything.
Brandon Lugiana is a little asshole.
That’s why I got him back.
Hammurabi’s Code.
Eye for an eye.
What?
It’s the oldest legal system in the world.
Mesopotamia.
I didn’t mean to break his arm, though.
Why do you keep getting in trouble?
You’re a smart kid.
It doesn’t matter.
The school system’s broken.
Rockefeller modeled it after factories to create more obedient workers.
(Chuckling)
Where did you hear that?
A TED Talk.
Don’t you want to go to college?
Nah. It’s too expensive.
And my parents are always fighting about money.
I think they’re getting a divorce.
Did they say that?
No, but I heard my mom talking to a lawyer.
And I think she has a new boyfriend.
Why do you think she has a new boyfriend?
I saw a pair of New Balance sneakers in her room.
My dad would never wear New Balance.
He’s too cool.
Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you out of this.
OK?
Just… tell the truth.
It always comes out eventually.
Mr. Grant, Russell, please.
(Whispering):
Let’s go. Tell the truth.
(Sighing)
Mr. Grant, as I was explaining to Mr. and Mrs. Piampiano, Brandon Lugiana claims that Russell assaulted him in your PE class.
I mean, that’s a stretch.
I’m not an attorney, but that sounds like hearsay.
I just pantsed him.
He fell on his own.
Russ, what did I say?
A number of eyewitnesses have also come forward.
And it’s clear it was a deliberate act.
An act of retribution.
Retribution?
You’re turning the place into a snitch breeding ground, Harry.
Dr. Ott!
Doctor? What are you a doctor of?
Maybe this is retribution for when I started a bonfire in the cafeteria.
I fucking knew it was you.
Allegedly. When I allegedly started a bonfire.
Paul, can we please talk about Russ?
It feels as though you’re making assumptions about his intent.
Well, what was it, Russell?
What was your intent?
I just wanted to pull his pants down so everyone could see that he had a little penis too.
Russ.
He did it to me first!
Yeah, but you didn’t mean to break the kid’s arm, right?
Tell him that.
Regardless, the outcome is the outcome.
Doesn’t matter what his intent was.
Yes, it does.
Dr. Ott, you’re right.
Russ will be responsible for what he did.
No, he’s not right.
Sometimes, you intend to do a good thing, and bad things happen that are outside your control.
Yeah, then you need to be held accountable for them.
I agree!
Yeah, me too.
I agree with Mrs. Piampiano.
I’m with Jules…
I mean Mrs. Piampiano.
We have a zero-tolerance policy for violence here at The Dirby School.
So, Russell will be expelled.
What the fuck, Harry?
This fucking school!
This was blown out of proportion.
I don’t think it is.
We have a zero-tolerance policy against violence.
I told him to do it.
Excuse me?
Yeah, Brandon Lugiana pantsed Russ in front of Lauren Whittenberg.
So I told Russ to pants him back.
It’s Hammurabi’s code.
Mesopotamia.
Well…
OK.
You’re fired.
Shit.
I’m sorry.
Why would you tell him to do that?
He didn’t.
We pay $35,000 for him to go to this indoctrination center, and they kick him out for standing up to a bully.
Paul, shut the fuck up!
I’m just saying, we should be proud of him.
Hey, I’m proud of you.
Carey, can you please take Russ to the car?
Are you guys gonna talk?
Yeah, baby, I’m gonna talk to your dad.
Come on, Russ, let’s go.
It worked. They’re talking.
I can fix it.
You can’t fix it.
I needed to keep you insulated to…
You put loans in our son’s name.
Do you know how fucking disgusting that is?
Out of context, yes.
What context? What fucking context makes that OK?
There was no way I could predict rates would jump the way they did.
But I am working it out with the banks one by one, as I file for bankruptcy.
Bankruptcy?
People go bankrupt all the time.
Walt Disney, Lincoln, Meatloaf…
Stop talking.
It’s a financial tool for reset.
It wipes the slate clean.
It can be a positive thing if…
They’re taking the beach house.
Yeah, the beach house is gone.
But our house is in your name.
They repossessed my car.
The car was in the company name.
Have you heard my messages?
I said to park in the garage.
Stop talking!
Jules.
We have to unwind things strategically, or we could lose everything.
Are you being indicted?
No.
Fucking liar!
I spoke to the attorney.
OK, well, technically, nothing I did was illegal.
But now they look like assholes, so they’re coming for me on taxes.
= When were you going to tell me?
When you answered my phone calls.
When were you going to tell me?
Tell you what?
Are you sleeping with my best friend?
Yes, I am.
Are you doing it to hurt me?
No.
Why? Does it hurt?
Good.
Why, then?
I don’t know, Paul, because he’s kind.
And trustworthy.
And he has a bigger dick than you.
No, he’s not trustworthy!
He betrayed me, right after you both promised not to.
You want to start tallying broken promises right now?
No, not particularly.
Yeah.
You jeopardized our son’s financial future.
That is unfucking-forgivable.
Five years.
Excuse me?
His credit score resets after five years.
He won’t even be 18.
Fuck off!
Paul, shut the fuck up!
Hey!
Zero tolerance!
(Sighing)
Oh, fuck…
Where’s your car?
It’s gone. Just drive.
(Sighing)
(Exhaling sharply)
(Buzzer sounding)
Hey! Piampiano!
You got a visitor!
(Carey):
What happened to your face?
It’s prison.
I thought it was one of those minimum-security prisons.
Like the nice ones.
It is. But it’s still prison.
OK, fine.
We play street hockey.
Sometimes, it gets competitive.
I brought a letter from Russ.
How’s he doing?
He’s great.
I think he fits better in public school.
Julie and I told him you’re still building that hotel in Borneo.
So when you write him back, it’s rainy season.
What’s happening with our house?
Bank is still trying to foreclose.
The process servers are getting out of control.
Never say your name and never
I know, take the package.
I know.
Um…
Julie asked if you had signed the papers.
The divorce ones.
I have not. No.
I’ve been a little busy.
With street hockey?
How’s my wife?
Julie’s great. Yeah.
When I heard I had a visitor, I thought it might be her, so I booked this room.
(Bed creaking)
It’s a conjugal room, by the way.
You can tell her they have one.
I’m not gonna tell her that.
You should also tell her that I know I fucked up.
And even before I fucked up, I was fucking up.
I wasn’t there for Russ the way I should have been.
Now I’m not there for him at all.
I’m there.
I know. I fucking hate you.
But also, thanks for being there.
And for coming to visit.
You’re the only one who has.
I really didn’t want her to see me fail.
I should have asked for help.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to ask for…
I need help.
OK.
I’m up for early parole, and I need a residence.
Like a place to live.
(Julie): No! No, no, no!
(Groaning)
You just gotta stick with it.
(Voice vibrating)
Oh, God!
Is that too hard?
No, it’s good. Keep going.
OK.
Oh, I have a knot right there.
I know.
Ah, it’s still there.
It is “knot” small!
(Laughing)
Thank you.
Is there anywhere else you’re, um…
holding tension?
I have to get Russ to school.
You’re a great mom.
I think you’d be a great mom again.
Carey! I’m not having another baby.
I know. I’m just saying it.
In case maybe you change your mind.
I’m not…
I’m not gonna change my mind.
Yeah, same page.
I’m gonna get some eggs.
Hey, Russ!
Hey!
You want some eggs?
No, thanks.
Do you know where the maca is?
What do you need maca for?
It boosts libido and testosterone.
Found it!
Hey, the bus is gonna be here soon.
Let’s start getting ready.
Yeah, one minute.
(Breathing heavily)
(Grunting)
I made you a protein shake.
Thanks, bud!
(Doorbell ringing)
I have a package for Julie Piampiano.
There’s no Julie here.
Fuck off!
Are you Julie?
OK, I can wait.
Who was that?
Fucking process server.
Oh!
What’s in this?
Russ! Bus!
(Carey chuckling)
Russ, bus.
Here, I made you some “scramblos.”
It’s just eggs.
I’m OK, thank you.
Hey, Russ, why’d you get a golden doodle?
Uncle Carey’s allergic.
Yeah, but you know what happens if you take a great dog like a golden retriever and mix it with a shit dog like a poodle?
You get a shit dog.
If you want me to be mean to Uncle Carey, I will.
You don’t have to be mean.
I appreciate it, though.
Russ, bus!
You gonna finish that?
Goddamn it!
He missed the bus.
Russ, get your shoes on!
(Dog barking)
Ah, motherfucker!
Russ! You gotta pick up this dog shit!
Fuck! Oh, it’s in my toes.
I don’t have time to drive him.
It’s OK, I’ll drive him.
I have to drop these packages off anyway.
OK!
I can drive him.
No, Carey’s got it.
Good morning.
Morning.
Carey, I think that process server is still outside.
Do not talk to him.
OK! Russ, come on, let’s go.
Bye, Dad!
Bye, Russ!
Sir, are you Mr. Piampiano?
No hablo inglés. (Process server speaking Spanish)
Oh, I mean français.
What are you doing?
Washing my feet.
Monsieur! Monsieur! (Plate clanging, toaster clicking)
You guys seem really busy.
Yeah, getting a lot of traction.
I make everything, and then Carey handles the fulfillment.
Well…
He is a good guy.
You could do way worse.
I have.
(Chuckling)
You guys seem really happy.
We are.
Ah! Oh, fuck!
I haven’t had this in so long!
Mmm!
Mmm, fuck, that’s good!
I signed the papers.
I thought you were waiting on your lawyer.
No, that was just me stalling.
Should be pretty straightforward.
We don’t have money anymore.
No, we don’t!
We’re getting kicked out of here at some point.
I still love you.
I don’t think that’ll ever change, but…
I don’t know, seeing you guys up close…
even from the backyard, I realize I just want you to be happy.
I want Russ to be happy.
Thank you.
I’ve been reading about child-centered divorce.
You’ve been reading?
Yeah, I mean…
Well, I’ve had time.
OK, fine, it’s an audiobook.
But the gist is that both parents work together to create a…
supportive and stable environment for the child, through things like consistency and routine, open communication and minimizing conflict, you know?
It’s cool.
I’m impressed.
You know, I can be impressive.
(Exhaling slowly)
You OK?
Jules?
I don’t know, it just made me emotional.
I don’t know why.
(Sniffling)
We’re not married anymore.
Listen, if you want me to rip those papers up, I…
No, no, no!
These are happy tears.
Oh.
I’m so happy!
Oh yeah, OK.
They looked like regular tears.
(Sighing)
Hey, I’m thinking about getting a clown for Russ’s birthday.
He’s a bit old for a clown, no?
Yeah, I guess you’re right.
I’ll think of something else.
Also, can I bring my girlfriend?
I mean, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah, I…
I do have a girlfriend.
She’s great. You’d like her.
Sure.
Can’t wait to meet her.
(♪ A Well Known HasBeen
by Donovan ♪)
You go first.
♪♪ Tonight my life is heavy ♪
♪ I’m weak and down at heel ♪
♪ The prisoner
in the dungeon… ♪
I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
II
Sorry.
Is it something specific?
‘Cause I’ve been working out.
It’s not how you look.
It won’t make him jealous.
Nothing does.
Goddamn, Ashley.
It was your idea.
I know.
I thought you wanted Carey back!
I told Julie I have a girlfriend.
Maybe you could talk to her and just be honest.
Maybe she’ll give you another chance.
Why? I don’t deserve another chance.
Then that’s your answer.
That can’t be my answer.
Maybe it is the answer.
Think about it for a second.
Stay with me.
I’ve been dating a mentalist.
He reads my mind, which is hard, because I’m not into him.
But then my life coach turned me onto this concept of brutal honesty.
And it’s been really freeing once I embraced it.
You should try it.
Why do you need a life coach?
You’re a life coach.
Coaches need coaches, Paul.
How do you think I lost all that weight before the wedding?
My job is to help people, to motivate people into making better decisions.
Sounds a lot like being a parent.
Why don’t we just lie to them and say that we had sex?
You just gave this whole spiel about being honest.
Be honest. Is it how I look?
No. It’s also because of the way you are.
I’ll come up with something else.
You can be honest.
I’m going to do whatever it takes to get my wife back.
You know, I really thought we could unite in common pursuit of something much bigger than ourselves.
OK. Fine.
Let’s have sex.
No. I don’t want to now.
OK. Fine.
OK, fine, yeah.
Let’s have sex, you’re right.
No, you’re right.
We need to come up with something else.
Something big. Like a romantic gesture or something.
OK, I’m gonna count to five before I put my clothes on, in case you change your mind again.
One, two…
Three, four, five.
Four.
I want you to think of a number, Russ. Any number. Say your number. Say it.
Eleven!
Eleven.
But that’s easy.
That’s his birthday.
All right…
(Chuckling)
(Child whispering):
This magician sucks.
Okeydokey, so, let’s do another.
Let’s go with you, my little skeptic.
Let’s have you pick a name.
Think of someone that you love very much.
Send it to me.
Starts with an S.
Starts with…
starts with an S?
No.
No?
I keep getting Sonia.
No, it was Mom.
And what’s your mom’s name?
Is her name Sonia?
OK.
Let’s clap.
Thank you. Let’s clap.
Yeah. Doesn’t even know his own mom’s name.
(Children laughing)
Can you make me disappear?
No, I… I’m a mentalist, not a magician, so…
my magic is more in the mind.
Like, I can read people’s minds.
What am I thinking of?
Birthday cake.
Whoa.
I was thinking about birthday cake, too.
I know you were.
They should have gotten a clown.
Mom, can we have cake?
(All cheering): Yes!
Oh, good, yeah. Let’s…
Let’s just take a break for cake in the middle of my show.
You did great.
No.
That was good.
It wasn’t.
God, I hate performing for children.
Well, maybe it’s different when they’re yours.
You’re probably right.
You guys thinking of having kids?
No, he has a vasectomy.
Yeah, yeah, I was 23 and had a latex allergy, so…
I’m sorry, man.
Buddy, thank you.
No, thank you for doing this.
Yeah, no, my pleasure.
II usually don’t do venues this small, but, uh…
No, he usually does big venues.
Like, big, corporate, hundreds of people.
Yeah, thousands.
Yeah.
But anything for this lady.
Carey, can you come here?
(Russ):
Can we do presents?
I got a big finale planned.
After we do the cake.
Can we do the cake?
After we eat.
When is the food coming, please?
I don’t know.
Antoneta should be here any minute.
OK, can you please find the candles for this?
I think they’re upstairs in a CVS bag in the bedroom.
Yeah.
And the dog!
Please, can you put the dog in the Carey closet?
Ah! Gotcha. I’ve gotcha.
Why is he holding the dog like that?
(People chatting, music playing)
Hey, Jackson!
Hey! Yo, I checked all your fire alarms.
The batteries were low on, like, two, man.
You gotta, like, regularly replace those, you know?
OK. I will.
All right.
A puppy?
Yeah, it’s yours.
This one, you can actually train.
Thanks, Dad!
Paul, what is this?
He always wanted a dog.
He has a dog.
A real dog.
Oh, uh, this is Keri.
Hey!
Keri, this is my ex.
Nice to meet you.
Julie. Pleasure.
Oh my God!
We’re wearing the same dress.
How funny!
Oh my God! That’s…
Paul just bought it for me.
Did he? What a coincidence.
Hot, hot, hot!
Where do you want this?
Mmm. Just this way, in the kitchen.
Make yourself at home.
You know that dog cost me, like, three grand?
Hey, Carey!
Carey, can I talk to you?
Carey!
Ashley, I know what you’re thinking.
Don’t.
Ah.
(♪ Never Say Never
by The Fray on stereo ♪)
Hey. Are you playing The Fray?
♪♪ Some things
we don’t talk about ♪
♪ Rather do without ♪
♪ And just hold the smile ♪
What are you doing?
♪ Falling in and out of love ♪
♪ Ashamed and proud of ♪
♪ Together all the while ♪
What are you doing?
♪ You can never say never ♪
♪ While we don’t know when ♪
♪ Time and time again ♪
Ashley. Just hold on a second, OK?
♪ Younger now
than we were before ♪
♪ Don’t let me go ♪
What are you doing?
♪ Don’t let… ♪
Don’t let me go.
I have two more.
♪ Don’t let me go ♪
Ashley, just stop.
Just stop for a second.
Just stop for a second.
♪ Don’t let me go ♪
Ashley, Ashley.
What?
Stop for a second.
(Music stops)
What are you doing?
II was singing.
And I don’t want to sign the divorce papers.
They’re your divorce papers.
I gave you what you asked for.
I didn’t change anything.
Because you’re so nice and so sweet.
I took you for granted.
I’m sorry.
I went on a crazy experience and fucked a lot of people to realize…
What are you doing?
I’m trying to be honest.
Don’t.
Don’t be honest?
You had all the time in the world to be honest when we were in the apartment with your fucking stupid lovers.
I thought you liked them.
No, I don’t like them.
OK, I do like them.
They’re cool people.
But the point is I…
I don’t want to like them.
I was friends with them just to piss you off.
You think I wasn’t jealous?
I was jealous the whole time.
That’s really romantic.
No, it’s not romantic.
It’s fucking terrible.
Yeah, you’re right.
Do you know how painful it was to sleep on the couch?
I know. Fede told you it had no support.
Oh my…
You didn’t listen!
Fuck!
Ashley, fuck!
I’m sorry.
I was unhappy, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Well, I hope you figured it out.
I did. Yeah, there was nothing to fix.
Happiness is just an emotion.
It’s transient.
We move in and out…
I’m not transient.
I live here, OK?
And I’m happy.
OK.
Well, um…
I’m happy for you.
Can we be friends?
Yes, we can be friends.
Can we be… best friends?
(Sighing)
Can friends hug?
Yeah, of course.
♪♪ Don’t let me go ♪
♪ Don’t let me go ♪
♪ Don’t let me go ♪
Friends can’t do that.
Oh, OK.
So, what can friends do?
(♪ Do You Love Me?
playing on stereo ♪)
(Children playing)
Paul.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. Be right back, babe.
♪♪ Since I met you ♪
♪ You’ve been lying ♪
♪ Telling lies ♪
♪ It must be your game ♪
♪ Now do you love me? ♪
(Dog whimpering)
Later, loser.
What is wrong with you?
What, the puppy?
Yes, the puppy.
But also, who is this woman?
Oh, uh, Keri.
And why did you invite Ashley?
Because she’s dating the mentalist I hired.
Paul!
This is exhausting.
I know what you’re doing.
What is it gonna take for it to stop?
Nothing. I’m never gonna stop.
I’ve learned to be honest with myself, and I am impulsive and somewhat sensitive and a bit of an asshole.
But I’m an asshole who loves you.
I don’t know how to love anyone else.
I don’t believe you.
I know.
Because I hid things and I lied, but I’m never gonna do that again.
I’m done lying to you.
What?
What does that even mean?
I will never lie to you about anything ever again.
Yeah?
Yeah.
OK, did you go upstairs into my closet and see this dress that I had just bought, and then go and buy the exact same one for that woman?
Yes, I did do that.
And what did you want to make me feel?
Jealous, hopefully.
Um, but also, you know, I figured if I can’t be with you, I can at least be with someone who reminds me of you.
Oh my God!
Obviously not as beautiful or smart or fun to talk to, but…
Paul, you’re so fucking full of shit!
You had me.
You had me and you wanted to fuck other people.
No, I didn’t.
But you did.
No, I didn’t!
Why are you lying to me?
You just said that you weren’t gonna lie to me.
I’m not! I’m… I’m not.
OK, I’m just gonna clarify the question, just so that there’s no confusion here.
When we were married…
did you ever sleep with anyone else?
No.
What the fuck, Paul?
Then why were we in an open relationship?
Because! Because…
Look at you. Look at me.
I have no fucking business being with a woman as incredible as you, but somehow, I convinced you to be with me.
I chose to be with you.
Yeah, well, maybe I was scared that one day you’d wake up and choose not to be with me.
You know, realize you could do better and find someone way more fucking interesting and handsome, clearly.
I figured if I made it OK, then…
you’d have one less reason to leave me.
You’re a fucking crazy person.
Yeah. I know.
(People chatting, music playing)
Hey, Russ, when are we doing cake?
Julie, I need to tell you something.
Hmm?
Who are you?
Keri. Who are you?
Carey.
Uncle Carey!
Can we do the cake?
Yeah. I just need to find your candles.
(Dog barking)
Noodle, what are you doing?
Did they let you out of the Carey closet?
Come on!
(Dog barking in distance)
Whose dog is that?
I’m pretty sure that’s your dog, dude.
By the way, your fire extinguisher expired, man, so I grabbed this big dog from the car.
OK.
You should join sometime.
It’s volunteer, but they let you hang out at the fire station.
I’ll think about it.
They have a free gym.
I’m not getting you a dog.
(Doorbell ringing)
Hey, Fede!
Hey! Sorry I’m late.
Brought the table in case anyone is tense.
OK.
♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪
(Julie and Paul grunting, moaning)
♪ ♪
Hey. I’m sorry.
Did you find them?
What?
The candles.
Did you find them?
And also not sorry at all.
Take these.
Sweet. Got them!
How does that feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
Oh my God. That’s amazing!
Carey, lasagna’s ready.
Get the hot pads!
All right, all right.
No one told me that mentalist would be here.
J’haïs cet estie de garslà .
Whoa, whoa.
What’s up, Carey?
Oh! Hot!
Hey, Carey?
Hey!
How could you?
You promised not to read my mind.
And, yeah, you promised not to cheat on me upstairs with Carey while I’m here performing for ungrateful children.
Uh, sorry, what?
I did not promise that.
Yeah, well, your body made a promise.
Did that happen?
Yes, that happened.
I tried to tell you, but I told Keri instead.
Who is that, by the way?
Hey, yeah, I’m sorry.
I’m still here.
That’s Paul’s girlfriend.
I wouldn’t say “girlfriend” exactly.
We have an arrangement.
We met on Seeking Arrangements.
It’s just called Seeking now.
Why does she look like you?
To make Julie jealous.
That was the arrangement.
Well, looks like it worked.
Do you have something you need to tell me?
He already knows.
He saw you in the Carey closet.
Matt, your services are no longer required here. Thank you.
Cool, brother.
I’m sorry.
OK. I’m sorry too.
I’m not sorry.
Yeah, I’m also not sorry.
Fuck you, Paul.
Fuck you, Carey.
OK!
OK…
Hey, hey, whoa!
Hey, boundaries!
No violence!
Just boundaries, please.
I think… Hey!
I think it’s time we all talk about our feelings.
Nobody wants to talk about their feelings now.
All we have is now.
And I revised it.
I think you’re really gonna like it.
I think I nailed it.
No, let’s forget about everything.
You guys did the full thing.
We kissed just a little bit, then she used her hands, but I didn’t finish.
That still counts.
“Carey, my love.
“This is the hardest letter I’ve ever re-rewritten.
“I’ve tried on a lot of people, a lot of people, “and I’ve learned that you are the one that fits.
“Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to master something.”
(Matt):
Malcolm Gladwell?
“While I haven’t been keeping track of the hours…”
No one wants to hear this.
I really do. Keep going.
Thank you so much.
“I’ve gone…”
Julie, can we talk in the other room?
Let her finish.
We’re all grownups.
I can skip to the end.
No, but before you do that, can I do my finale?
What finale?
My grand finale. Can I…
No. Carey…
Please, let me do the finale.
Just do it.
If you’re gonna keep talking, just go for it. Quick, quick.
So, does anybody want some lemonade?
It was gonna be the first way I started it. And then…
And then…
Whoa!
What the hell?
There was a card in there the whole time?
And then the card…
is a queen of hearts.
‘Cause you’re my queen, and you’ll always have a slice of my heart.
And then I was gonna…
I thought you don’t do magic.
Yeah, of course I do magic.
Then I was gonna do this.
King of spades, because I’m your king, and I got spayed.
And then I was gonna take out this rope.
I got snipped.
But now…
I’m not.
I don’t get it.
I got my vasectomy reversed for you.
That’s fucking crazy.
Fuck it.
It’s not crazy.
I don’t need that.
Carey, look at me.
I’m not perfect.
God!
But life’s not perfect, right?
We have to take charge, and we are the masters of our own destiny.
I completely agree. Julie?
No.
(Ashley): I love you.
No.
And I’m sorry that I had to go on this whole journey to realize that it’s you.
It’s you who I want to start a family with.
I have a family now.
You don’t.
I have a kid…
Don’t you dare.
…I’m an uncle to.
Oh my God!
This is never gonna end.
It’ll be like this forever and ever.
This is such a fucking dumpster fire.
(Children): Fire!
(Children screaming)
Russ, get out of the way! Move!
Oh!
Dad, you’re on fire!
Oh, shit! Oh! oh, shit! Oh!
Move, move, move!
(Screaming)
Oh my God!
Sit down. Sit.
Are you OK?
Ah! I think so.
Fuck, your eyebrows.
Carey, call 911!
Jackson, call 911!
Sorry, Dad. I did the cake.
What’s the number?
Hey!
Hey!
How is he?
Good. He’s sleeping.
I’m really happy for you.
Thanks.
Hey! I brought Zuka Giri.
Oh, they don’t allow outside food.
I know, they feed you poison and they wonder why everyone’s sick.
Hey, hide that under your vest.
Let’s go, come on.
Keep it hidden.
She created a human.
The least I could do is bring 7 to 8 pounds of sushi, you know?
(Ashley laughing)
What do you want?
Hand or mouth?
You want hand?
Hand!
I feel like he can read my mind.
You can read Mama’s mind?
SÃ o no?
(Baby babbling)
The trick is to just put a good amount in here so that when you put the pieces together, the gold kind of spills through the cracks.
The patterns on this are incredible.
I know. I love kintsugi.
This is really nice, just being here and existing.
Hey! How you going?
Good.
Yeah, good.
Good.
Yeah.
Good.
Hey, you think they’re flirting?
Who cares?
I do.
Hey.
Hey.
We slept together.
Who?
Julie and I.
Second time this year.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Best sex she’s ever had.
Her words, not mine.
Those don’t sound like her words.
Well, you know, not like vocal words, but her eyes…
Are you guys back together?
No.
He’s just always around.
He likes chasing me.
It’s kind of our thing.
Mmm.
How does this thing work?
OK, so good news.
Spoke with Spectrum.
The Internet will be up and running by Thursday.
How is that good news?
We’re gone by then.
Well, it’s good news in general.
It’s something I wanted done.
Now it’s done, and here we are.
(Baby crying)
That’s so loud. Wow!
This is a nice place.
Ever think about selling?
Yeah, definitely not. At all.
I got it for nothing from the bank.
It’s booked for months in advance.
I don’t even need to do anything.
You have to do something.
It’s natural wood siding.
You have to treat it or you’ll get wood rot.
Well, who’s going to notice that, ever?
Get your feet off the coffee table, please. Thanks, bud.
This fucking guy.
Why is he still here?
Says he’s a Superhost.
What is that, like, an Airbnb slumlord?
(♪ Criola Multicolorida by José Roberto on stereo ♪)
There we go. It’s working.
So he’s your uncle?
Well, he was my gym teacher, then sort of my stepdad, and now he’s just my uncle again.
We’re not related.
Cool. And they’re all still friends?
Best friends.
I got Arturo to sleep.
Oh, good!
Kid loves music.
You need anything?
Um, you know what?
I’ll have an espresso.
Oh, me too, please!
Yes! Gotcha!
Thank you.
He loves being a dad.
How much you think this thing costs?
I don’t know, Brandon.
You never really know what something’s worth until you sink it.
Oh, uh, do we need life jackets or…
No, we’re good.
(Motor starting)
This table’s wobbly.
It’s an Airbnb.
What do you expect?
I expect that when someone buys an architectural masterpiece, they don’t fill it with Ikea furniture.
I have a joke about Ikea.
Never mind.
The setup takes too long.
(Laughing)
When I buy this place back…
You’re not buying it back.
I might.
You gotta manifest it.
With what money?
If we pooled our money…
Hey!
Oh, shit!
Hey!
What the fuck?
Hey, what’s going on?
Your son just stole my fucking jet boat!
You sure that’s him?
Yes, I’m fucking sure that’s him.
It’s him right there! Look!
That doesn’t look like him.
Oh my God, I can 100% guarantee you that is their shit cunt spawn.
Hey, stop calling him that.
Yeah, your son is a shit cunt!
Not his son!
(Grunting)
Motherfucker!
Ah!
Fuck!
Should we…
should we help them?
(Men shouting, indistinct)
No, just leave them.
Ah, no biting! No biting!
♪♪ Meet me in the middle
of the day ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s OK ♪
♪ Bring me southern kisses
from your room ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the night ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s all right ♪
♪ Let me smell the moon
in your perfume ♪
♪ Oh, gods and years
will rise and fall ♪
♪ And there’s always
something more ♪
♪ Lost in talk,
I waste my time ♪
♪ And it’s
all been said before ♪
♪ While further down
behind the masquerade ♪
♪ The tears are there ♪
♪ I don’t ask
for all that much ♪
♪ I just want someone to care ♪
♪ Answer right now ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the day ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s OK ♪
♪ Come on out
beneath the shining sun ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the night ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s all right ♪
♪ Sneak on out
beneath the stars and run ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Oh yeah, yes, yes ♪
♪ Oh yes ♪
♪ It’s king and queen ♪
♪ And we must go down now
beyond the chandelier ♪
♪ Where I won’t have to
speak my mind ♪
♪ And you won’t have to hear ♪
♪ Shreds of news
and afterthoughts ♪
♪ And complicated scenes ♪
♪ We’ll weather down
behind the light ♪
♪ And fade like magazines ♪
♪ Time flies like the wind,
nothing to give now ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the day ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s OK ♪
♪ Bring me southern kisses
from your room ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the night ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s all right ♪
♪ Let me smell the moon
in your perfume ♪
♪ Oh, now ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the day ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s OK ♪
♪ Let me see you
smiling back at me ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Meet me in the middle
of the night ♪
♪ Let me hear you say
everything’s all right ♪
♪ Hold me tight and lovin’,
love is free ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ OK ♪♪
