South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2 (2022) | Transcript

A drought has brought the town of South Park to the brink of disaster.
South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2 (2022)

(man coughs, sniffles)

(pages shuffling)

LAWYER: Please state your name for the record.

Stan Marsh.

(page turns)

LAWYER: And, uh, Mr. Marsh, you were involved in the streaming wars, is that correct?

We made stuff for streaming services, yes.

And how do you know the defendant in this case?

She’s the mother of my f… acquaintance.

When you made your deals for streaming services, you sort of leveraged them against each other, didn’t you?

That is correct.

And now the streaming bubble has burst and your own father is in hiding, isn’t that correct?

My dad is missing, that is correct.

What exactly was your job in making these little Popsicle stick boats for streaming services?

Um, my job was to eat the Popsicles.

And the people who paid you didn’t care what you made?

Well, if you look at it, only about a fourth of what’s on most streaming services is really worth a shit, so… Oh, sorry.

Do you know what an exclusive deal is?

Yes, I know what an exclusive deal is.

So, if you make an exclusive deal with a streaming service, you can’t make an exclusive deal with another streaming service, can you?

It’s not our fault that the streaming wars happened!

So, then why not just give back the money?

We can’t!

Why not?!

‘Cause the money is all in Cartman’s fucking tits!

(gallery gasping)

♪ ♪

(gavel banging)

CARTMAN: Ms. Cartman, you and your son live in a hot dog, is that correct?

Yes, Eric, you know that’s correct.

And your son wanted you to get fake tits so that the rich guy across the street would let you live with him but you refused, is that right?

That’s right.

So when I said, “If you don’t get fake tits I will,” you just told me to go ahead.

Yes, because I’m sick of you doing extreme things to get your way.

So you refused even though tons of women get fake breasts all the time.

Your Honor, I’d like to introduce Exhibit D…

Tons of women with fake tits.

Tom, I’m standing outside the courthouse where the judge has just thrown out the Cartman v. Cartman case.

The judge said, quote, “You’re all a bunch of shitheads.

Get out of my courtroom.”

Just proof once again, Tom, that streaming services have made everything suck.

(“You Don’t Miss Your Water” by Otis Redding playing)

♪ In the beginning ♪

♪ You really loved me, oh ♪

♪ I was too blind ♪

♪ I could not see, now ♪

♪ But now that you left me ♪

♪ Oh, how I cried, I keep crying ♪

♪ You don’t miss your water ♪

♪ Till your well runs dry ♪

‘Kay, Mom, well, I hope you learned your lesson.

So, maybe now, will you get fake tits so I can get these stupid things out?

No, Eric! No!

♪ I never thought, no ♪

Can I get a Frosty?

♪ I never thought you’d ever leave me ♪

♪ But now that you’ve left me ♪

♪ Good Lord, good Lord, how I cried ♪

♪ You don’t miss your water ♪

♪ You don’t miss your water ♪

♪ Till your well runs dry ♪

♪ Ooh, you don’t miss your water ♪

♪ You don’t miss your water ♪

♪ Till your well runs dry ♪

♪ I miss my water, I keep missing my water… ♪

Oh, shit, it’s Karen!


(others gasping, murmuring)

Come on. Go, kids, go.

What… what happened?

Wow, it’s the real thing.

We gotta go!

(siren whoops)

There! You see? Karen is right there!

Okay, okay, everyone back… Just stay back!

All right, Karen. We don’t want any trouble.


It doesn’t have to be like this, Karen. Let us get you some help.

Can-can someone please tell me what’s going on?

Is there, like, a manager I can speak to somew…

(grunts, stammers, exhales)

Karen’s clear!

Move in!

(monitor beeping steadily)

♪ ♪

HARRIS: Just relax.

I need to know what you remember, Karen.

I started a streaming service…

to compete with the weed farm across the street.

And some guy died.

That’s right.

Do you know where the owner of Credigree Weed is now?


The steaming wars got out of hand.

Your rival here somehow got

ManBearPig to work for him and murder the competition.

You… went down to the Colorado State Water Commission’s office.

You asked to speak with the manager.

And then you went full nuclear Karen.

Full nuclear Karen?

HARRIS: You went ballistic on everybody.

MAN: Okay…

Call the cops, goddamn it, if you don’t like me over here.

Fucking call ’em!

MAN: Okay. Karen.


Go back to Mexico.

WOMAN: Listen. I said…

I said “excuse me.”

Go. Go back wherever you’re from!

HARRIS: You traveled all over the state and demanded to

see everyone’s managers.

He’s the one… he’s the one that went off.

Oh, God…

I don’t have a right to be here?!

Outside the State office

in Denver, you caused a 20-car pileup.

Huh?! Call a manager now!

Five people were severely injured.

And then you attacked the airport.

I want the manager of the fucking airport here!

Who’s tellin’ me to… (shrieking)

I want the manager of the airport here!

And then the same thing happened in Madrid.

Who is the manager of this fucking shithole?!

HARRIS: In Bangladesh…

(no audio)

And in the mountains of Tibet.

And I’m sorry, Karen, but…

I’m afraid all of this has become

the most watched videos on YouTube.


♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪


What are you doing here?

I’m looking for something, all right?

Looking for what?


I don’t know! People are saying that my dad caused all this.

That he’s hiding because he knows he’s guilty.

I know that’s not true.

What does that have to do with the rich guy

who lived here moving away?

The guy who lived here didn’t move away. He was killed.


I know that my dad wouldn’t just run and hide!

What if he needs me right now?

Tolkien, I wanted the guy who lived here to be my dad.

Who would have killed him?

♪ ♪


Okay, I’m done.

All right, then put your plate in the sink

and march right on upstairs!

Maybe the next time you decide to pit streaming services

against each other and cause a drought, you’ll think twice.

I want no playing, no reading and no thinking about fun stuff.

You are being grounded.

It’s not my fault streaming services paid people more

than was sustainable in any business model.



Shh! Butters, stop.

Eric! You can’t be in here, I’m grounded.

We’ve been set up, Butters.


The whole streaming wars!

The whole thing was a lie!

Eric, is that a real gun?

Fuck yes, it’s a real gun. Butters, listen to me.

Someone bought up all the water

and murdered anyone who got in their way.


Yes, Butters.

Someone worked with the Colorado water commissioner

and cheated the system. The same person

who is now using climate change to make a profit!


It didn’t make sense to me.

Why my mom was being so stubborn.

Why she wouldn’t do what I asked.

But then I saw Tolkien across the street

and I figured it out…

Tolkien is fucking my mom.


I wanted my mom to get fake tits

so she could marry the rich guy across the street.

Now that guy is dead and my mom is acting strange.

The only explanation is that she’s fucking Tolkien

and they don’t want me to know!

But, Eric, Tolkien was making the boats with us, he…

Butters, Butters. My eyes are up here.

Stop staring at my tits.

Oh, sorry.

There’s a bad guy out there getting away

with murder, Butters. And we have to catch him.

♪ ♪

Good people of Denver,

we are living through a horrible time.

This drought, i-it affect everybody.

It affect me. My waterpark.

But I have a plan to not only reopen my waterpark,

but also help all of Colorado with their water supply problem.

So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to show you my deck.


Oh, Christ.


This is the business proposal deck

for the Pipi streaming service!


Oh, that’s okay.

In just a few days I will reopen my waterpark

which will now run on 100% pee!

And then we can collect half of the pee every day

and send it out to the people of Denver

and all over Colorado for their daily use.

I’m sorry, Mr. Pipi,

but I really don’t think we’ll be able to get people to invest

in your streaming service.

No, no, no, it’s okay!

Because I got the biggest celebrities

who made a commerci for crypto

to make the commerci for me!

We are living in a severe drought.

There simply isn’t a choice anymore,

we have to find alternate sources for water.

Hi. I’m Matt Damon.

You’ve heard me talk about the wonders of

cryptocurrency, and now there’s a company

who can give us that new source.

Pipi water.

Pee can be used for almost anything.

We can water our lawns with it.

We can also use urine for our shower water.


Fortune favors the brave.

And a brave person knows

that pasta cooked in pee water tastes just fine.


Okay, hold on.


(quickly): Fortune favors the brave.

(coughs, gags)

Did you know frozen pee can make for a delicious summer treat?




Fortune favors the brave.

And pee water actually pairs really well

with an Impossible Burger.


(croaking): Fortune…

(quietly): Fortune favors the brave.


Fortune favors the br… (gags)


With Pipi+.

MATT DAMON (over video): for water.

Hi. I’m Matt Damon.


You’ve heard me talk about the wonders of cryptocurrency,

and now there’s a company who can give us that new source.

Pipi water.

You okay?

Pee can be used for almost anything.

What have I become, Stan?

We can water our lawns with it.

How did I just sit by and let the world sink to this?

We can also use urine

for our shower water.

(breathing heavily)

(groaning softly)


I used to be a scientist. Do you remember that?

I was the one who warned the town about a volcano.

I warned them about the day after tomorrow.

And then… it all become about weed.

When did that happen, Stan?

I guess we all just got greedy, Dad.

I wanted to be a scientist because

scientists solve problems.

Do you even know what kind of geologist I was, Stan?


I was a “fluvial geomorphologist.”

Someone who studies the changes in streams and rivers.

And when the town needed me most…

I was just out bitching because all I cared about

was getting high and rich.

I can’t even remember the old me.

♪ ♪

♪ There was a boy I used to know ♪

♪ With dreams as big as the fire in his heart ♪

♪ He grew to be a man of such good will ♪

♪ Always so patient ♪

♪ Always so smart ♪

♪ He had so much but he threw it away ♪

♪ Somewhere along he got off track ♪

♪ But today he’s making the change for good ♪

♪ And now that man is coming back ♪

♪ Oh, we missed you, Randy ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ It seems such a long time ♪

♪ Since we’ve seen our old friend ♪

♪ Everyone needs you, Randy ♪

♪ Where did you go? ♪

♪ It’s like you just became a one-note ♪

♪ Overwrought part of the show ♪

♪ Here I am trying to make it right ♪

♪ Gonna take my life back with my baby tonight ♪

♪ Oh, we missed you, Randy, we missed you, Randy ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ I’ve been acting like a fool ♪

♪ It seems such a long time ♪

♪ Since we’ve seen you, old friend ♪

♪ We’ve all been waiting for this day to come ♪

♪ We’re all so happy about the things you’ve done ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’re going back to Randy ♪

♪ I’m going back to Randy ♪

♪ We missed you, Randy ♪

♪ I missed me, Randy ♪

♪ It’s so good to have you back now ♪

♪ Our dear friend ♪

♪ We missed you, Randy ♪

♪ Our dear friend, Randy ♪

♪ I’m Randy ♪

♪ Randy ♪

♪ Randy, Randy ♪

♪ I’m Randy. ♪

CARTMAN: All right, I’ve got eyes on him.

Looks like he’s in the basement bathroom.

BUTTERS: I didn’t even know Tolkien had a basement bathroom.

CARTMAN: Yeah, neither did I. Sneaky bastard.

Seems like he’s looking for something.

Oh, nope, he’s turning back around.

He’s pulling down his pants.

Oh, I think he’s gonna take a shit.

Mark down: “8:35, started taking shit.”

What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, shit. Go, go, go.

(Butters yelling)

♪ ♪

(zipper closes)

Hello?! Where are… Eric, I can see you!

CARTMAN (whispering): There’s no way he can see us.

Just stay still.

I see you behind the fucking tree!

Don’t come another step closer or I shoot Butters.


Let’s go. Move. Move!

Do you wanna tell me what’s going on, Tolkien?

I have no idea!


We’re all supposed to believe that streaming services

were all our fault.

I remember that day at school, Tolkien.

You were the one who said I should build the boats.

Because I felt bad for you!

You felt bad for me?

Or maybe is it that you wanted the drought to… Butters,

will you please stop staring at my tits.

I’m sorry.

We’ve been doing research, Tolkien.

Somebody manipulated the system.

All the water rights, water laws,

there’s a big chain of corruption

and the whole thing stinks like your wiener

after fucking my mom.

Eric, I swear, I have no clue what you’re talking about.

Then read it.

Read about how none of the streaming services had any

chance of lasting but paid out thousands of dollars anyway.

Read about how the water commissioner of Colorado

knew about it the entire time!

Eric, where did you get this?

Tolkien, my eyes are up here,

please stop staring at my titties.

I am staring you dead in the eye.

Where did you get this?

♪ ♪

Hi. I’m Gwyneth Paltrow.

I got women everywhere excited about investing in crypto.

And now there’s something even better to invest in.

Uh… uh… um…

Fortune favors the brave. Fortune favors the brave.

(slurps, gags)


With Pipi+.

My fellow Coloradoans,

today we will try to put an end

to the drought that has crippled our state.

It’s my pleasure to announce that the city of Denver

will be investing heavily in the Pipi streaming service.

And we encourage you all to “Go pee.”

Oh, thank you! Thank you, Denver!

It is a my honor to give you all of the pee that I can.

And so, as of today, we are all going

to live in…

RANDY (distant): Wait!

Hold on!

Who is that?

Excuse me!

Please, I have to get to the front!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone, please.

Please, I have an announcement.

(feedback screeches)

Everyone, my name is Dr. Randy Marsh

and I am…

a scientist!

(feedback screeches)

The damage that has been done to our fresh water

due to the streaming wars is irreversible, yes.

But I believe I have a plan.

And if you don’t mind,

I’d like to show my deck to each and every one of you.

Whip it out, bro!

The answer…

is an ocean water desalinization plant.

When all of you hear about droughts in our country,

don’t you ever think, “Wait, the Earth is 75% water.

What the fuck? How can we not have enough water, right?”

(all murmuring in agreement)

The only thing stopping us from not

being able to use seawater for our daily use is the salt.

I have a plan to pipe the water

from the oceans up to the Continental Divide.

From there, we separate the salt from the water,

giving our entire country enough clean water forever.

And we ship the salt off to Arby’s and KFC where it belongs.

(cheering and whooping)

Dr. Marsh, you have all the funding you need.

Randy Marsh has the better deck!

(cheering loudly)

♪ ♪

♪ She’s only 17… ♪

PIPI: Ever since I can remember,

I’ve wanted two things.

My own waterpark and to only have to pay

for one streaming service. And what I didn’t know…

was that my own employees

would try to fuck me!

And fucking ruin my life!

Who is this guy talking about a desalinization plant?!

How did we miss him?!

He’s just some scientist, h-he came out of nowhere.

I asked you to take care of anybody who might get in my way!

I just wanna be a lifeguard.

“I just wanna be a lifeguard.”

You just wanna fuck Pipi!

You’re all a bunch of stinky poopy babies!

All of you! You little pussy bitches!


Oh, you don’t like that, huh?

I told you, I told you kill anyone

in the mountains who could be a problem!

You a little ManBear-bitch, that’s what you are!


You wanna fuck with Pipi, huh?

Don’t forget what I have on you.

Sit down, ManBearBitchy!


I want that desalinization plant gone

and I want the scientist dead!

There can only be one streaming service.

And it’s going to be Pipi+!

♪ ♪

HARRIS: It was 8:15 on Thursday night.

The people were all excited about the possibility

of a new desalinization plant.

But I had a lingering uneasiness in my gut.

And then, just like that, in walked the nicest pair

of knockers I’d ever seen in my life.

Detective, we need to talk to you.

Aw, fuck, not you again.

Get out of here kid, I’m not going to arrest your mom.

You might think differently when you hear what we have to say.

Go ahead, Tolkien.


we think the person who killed Robert Cussler

actually had a bigger plan: to make the drought happen.

Your father killed Robert Cussler.

And what makes you think he had a bigger plan?

Wait a minute. Did he tell you his business plan?

Did he show you his deck?!


My uncle Larry showed me his dick once.

My dad isn’t capable of killing anyone.

Well, I’m sure that’s true.

And that’s why your father had ManBearPig do it for him.

You see, your dad used ManBearPig to get rid

of the competition in the streaming wars.

Butters, please.

And ManBearPig will just go right on doing

whatever Tolkien’s father says because he’s afraid.

ManBearPig is afraid? Of what?

Afraid for the safety… of its wife and child.

Not many people know about PigBearGirl and Chuck Chuck,

but your father must have threatened ManBearPig

that he would tell people they exist.

And if everyone knew that climate change had a child,

they’d go after it.

Okay, whatever, but you have no proof

that it was my dad who did anything.

Don’t I?

I happen to know for a fact that while the rest

of the state is suffering,

your dad has been out living it up.

Surveillance camera caught him enjoying

his time at a waterpark.

The waterpark.

♪ ♪

Hello, I’m Larry David.

When I made my Superbowl commercial for crypto,

I didn’t even really know what it was!

But thanks to the money I made, I now can enjoy

my favorite beverage every day!




With Pipi+.

(water drips echoing)

(gasps loudly)



(echoing): Hello?

Where the fuck am I?



PIPI: Well, I don’t know, but it needs to be a-fixed, okay?

Maybe we have some kind of intruder, huh,

that’s doing the sabotage, you know!

GUARD: We looked everywhere, sir.

We didn’t find anything.

PIPI: Well, look harder, you stupid fuck!

Something going on down here!



(low growling)

Who are you? Did you bandage me up?

Chuck Chuck!

GUARD: Come on! Something’s happened

to the outtake valves again!


(indistinct chatter)

(tools clacking)

Okay, that’s great, guys.

Keep the pipe on the downward slope.

How’s it all going?

Oh, thanks, honey.

It’s good. Fast.

I think we can have this thing up and running

for tests in a week.

That’s amazing.

You’re not so bad yourself, babe.

Oh, and hey, Sharon?

Sorry about the whole “weed thing.”

It’s okay, Randy.

All right, Nelson, I’ve updated the engineering.

I’ve accounted for the elevation

but I still can’t figure out the pipeline.

The problem is actually getting enough pressure

to get the saltwater up here to the plant.

It almost seems impossible.

I don’t know how you get saltwater

up here without a tremendous amount of energy.

Yeah, well, let’s just keep working.

There has to be an answer.

Science always has an answer.

Randy, it’s good to have you back

at the U.S. Geological Survey.

Thanks, Nelson.

Oh, and hey, Nelson?

Sorry about the whole “weed thing.”

That’s okay, Randy.

(machinery clacking)

♪ ♪

Hi, my name is Naomi Osaka.

And I enjoy crypto just like I enjoy

fresh piss on my organic greens.

Fortune favors the brave.

Fortune favors the brave.

Fortune favors the brave.

Fortune favors the brave.



With Pipi+.

♪ She’s a summertime girl ♪

ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Welcome to Pipi’s Waterpark!

Where the thrills and fun are all 100% urine.

We hope you have a magical day and if you need to

use the restroom, just let it go in one of our many pools.

Your pee will be collected and harvested

for Denver’s water supply. Go pee, Colorado.

♪ She’ll take you… ♪

Boy, oh boy, what a great day for a swim!

Can’t wait to hit that fresh pool!

Blackhawk, this is Browneye. I am in position.

Copy, Butters. Do you see the slide we’re looking for?

That’s a negative, Blackhawk. Got nothin’ here.

What about over by the funnel cakes, Eric?

♪ She’s a summertime girl… ♪

I don’t see the slide that matches

the one in the picture, Tolkien.

I’m afraid this could be a dead end, guys.

Wait. Oh, my God.


There’s a guy here who’s just totally staring at my tits.

Hey, do you mind, sir? My eyes are up here.

Eric, we’re trying not to draw attention to oursel…

Stop looking at my tits! Yes, you are!

Eric, do you…

These people are all staring at my fucking tits!

They’re such perverts!

Little boy, we’re just a bit shocked to see that.

Yeah, ’cause you’re on the itty bitty titty committee, bitch!

Just focus on the fucking plan, Eric!

BUTTERS: Hey, fellas, I think I got it!

I found the slide where the photo was taken!

And there’s some kind of bunker entrance right next to it.

(birds chirping)

♪ ♪

Hello, ma’am. I’m sorry

but I need to speak with you about your husband.

Is he dead?

Not yet.

But he will be as soon as I can find him. Can I come in?

Your husband is a very dangerous man.

We now believe that he caused the whole drought to happen.

Do you mind?



Now, obviously, your husband had some kind

of bigger business plan.

He might have it all explained somewhere.

Does your husband have a deck?

Of course my husband has a dick.

Well, I’d like to see it, if that’s okay with you.

How am I supposed to show you when I don’t even know

where he is?

All right. If you want to

be difficult, ma’am, that’s fine.

But you know where your husband is

and so does your little boy.

I’m sure that you’ve both seen his deck

and I’m sure it’s pretty massive.

Detective, my husband is a good man.

Well, I’m sure he was at one point.

But then he started a streaming service

and became the monster that he is today.

Okay, well, I think you should leave now.

All right, fine.

But just so you know, when I find your husband…

And I will find him… I’m gonna shoot him.

And then I’ll check out his deck later.

♪ ♪

This must be where all the pee

is collected for Pipi’s streaming service.

Sure is a lot of pee!

This place is massive. They had to have

been working on this place for years!

Yeah, looks like someone has been planning

on fucking my mom for a long time!

Everyone spread out and see what you can find.

What exactly are we looking for?

Documents, contracts, condoms, whatever you can find.

Get a picture of anything unusual.

People would be very interested to see

how far along this all is.

Hey, there’s some little brown chocolates on the floor.




It’s okay. It’s okay. We’re not gonna hurt you.

(quietly): Chuck Chuck?

The fuck is that?

What are you doing down here?

Are you lost?

Chuck Chuck.

You guys, seriously, the fuck is that?

It’s like a little bear pig…

They don’t know you’re down here, do they?

Chuck Chuck.

Hey, stop right there!

(alarm blaring)


Yeah, we did it! We did it!

Tell the boss we caught ’em!

We finally caught the little buggers

that’ve been messing with the equipment down here.

♪ ♪

I’m Reese Witherspoon.

I think crypto is a great idea

but there’s one investment that’s even smarter.

That’s why when my family is enjoying festive party games,

we do it in pee.





With Pipi+.


Oh, hey, honey.

Any luck?


The plant is almost ready to go and I still can’t figure out

how to get the saltwater to it.

The elevations are just too extreme.

Hey, what are the kids doing?

Mm, they’re just in their rooms, hanging out.



How about we round them up and go take a nice walk

or something.

You sure?

Yeah, I need a break and they need a dad. Come on.

(phone rings)

Oh, hang on a second, it’s Nelson.

Hey, Nelson! How’s it going up there?

NELSON: Randy! Randy!

The plant!

It’s all wrecked!

What are you talking about?

It was climate change, Randy!

It ripped apart the watershed and took

a huge shit in the conversion tanks!


It just started tearing through people.

But, Randy, it seemed like it was looking for something.

I’m scared it might have been looking for you.

(phone beeps)

Randy, what’s going on?

What’s going on, Dad?

Take the kids to the basement and lock the door.

Randy, what are we…

Just do it, baby, please!

Randy, I’m not gonna hurt you.

What the fuck are you doing here?!

I need your help, Randy. I can’t go to the police.

Yeah, no shit, ’cause you’re a murderer!

I didn’t kill anyone!

Look, I know we’ve had our differences.

But I need you to trust me right now.

I don’t care about Credigree Weed anymore.

I just want to fix the drought.

You’re not going to fix it because

Pipi controls everything!


He used the water commissioner to get us

to start our streaming war against each other.


He used us, Randy.

Pipi tried to have me killed but some little beaver thing

saved me. Please.

My wife said Tolkien and his friends

went to look for me at the waterpark.

Credigree and Tegridy have to work together.

Tegridy took over my life

and completely ruined my character.

Don’t you get it?

We aren’t the ones who are ever gonna help anything.

We’re the ones who make everything worse.


(grunting) It’s no use, we can’t hack through the bars.

Hey. Hey there.

(quietly): Chuck Chuck.


Are you down here looking for your dad?

I’m looking for my dad, too.

Oh, God, that’s so cheesy.

You don’t have to be afraid of people.

I can tell you why.

(grunting softly)


Chuck Chuck.

Yes. Good, Tolkien, I think you’re starting

to reason with it.

(heavy door opens)


You’re the little “sabotagis”

that’s been messing with my stuff, huh?

Uh, no, we actually just got here recently, sir.

Where is my dad?

Your dad?

(snaps fingers)


You the boys that make-a the little boats-a. No?

Oh, you help Pipi so much!

You probably made a lot of money, huh?

We didn’t know what we were doing.

(chuckles): Yeah, well, who does, huh?

That’s doing business in America.

You just get in,

fuck everything up, pay people money you don’t have,

and try to get a big market evaluation, yes?

So you sped up climate change

and then you fucked my mom, is that it?


No, see, what he did was

he paid people too much money

while actually devaluing the artists,

creating a streaming business that was driving content

instead of content driving the business.

So now he’s got a huge company but all he’s delivering is piss.

And now I’m about to have the only streaming service

in the world.

You see, I have all the celebrities here.

Everybody to be in one big final commerci together!

And when that commerci goes out,

everybody gonna want to invest in Pipi.

And you boys, well… I’m afraid you might meet up

with a little accidente, eh?

The pee-pee gonna come down

and it gonna wash you boys away down a drain-ee.

Come on! We gotta make-a the commerci!

♪ ♪

I’m sorry, guys. I got played.

We all got played, Dad.

The whole state.

I really thought I could make a difference this time.

Well, you can’t, Randy.

But there is someone who can.

Somebody who can go down to that waterpark

and demand to be heard.

We need Karen back, Dad.


No. No!

You have to, Dad.

Karen is the only one that can get past security

and insist to see the management.

Karen is gone. Okay?

I’m never going back.

Then Pipi does win.

And we all go without fresh water for the rest of our lives.

Come on, Karen, please. My friends are down there.

It doesn’t work like that.

I didn’t just become Karen overnight.

First I smoked weed.

Then I smoked too much weed.

Then I started a weed farm and then I got entitled

and did everything I could to protect it!

But the weed is all gone now.

Not all of it.

The Thanksgiving Day Special? You saved this?

I-I made this, like, three years ago.

Yeah. I think it’s the best special you ever made.

♪ ♪

If I smoke this… I won’t remember any of you.

It will be like none of the past few days ever happened.

We have to have water, Karen.

♪ ♪

(magical chiming)

(no audio)

(muffled): What the hell is he doing?

He looks ridiculous.

Just-just let him do it, kids.

(magical chiming)

(humming, grunting)

♪ ♪

♪ We missed you, Karen ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

Someone’s been fucking with my Tegridy!


Yeah, Dad!


Thank you!

Thank you, everyone, for coming

to be a part of filming my new commerci.

This is gonna be the best commerci we ever make-a!

Okay, now everyone look like you’re having fun!

Background action! And action, Matt Damon-a!

Hi. I’m Matt Damon.

Me and all my Hollywood friends have a little secret to share.

ALL: We love being in pee.

Are you in?

Okay, that’s good, that’s good.

Now you all play in the pee a little bit.

You laughing, you having fun.

You splash-a the pee on each other.


Good, good. You love the pee.

Now maybe, Matt Damon, you splash pee

on Reesie Witherspoon.

And then, Reesie, the pee… The pee make you

so happy that-that you cry.

I cry?

Yes, Reesie, you so happy in the pee, it make you cry.

And when you cry… you cry the pee.

I can’t cry pee.

Oh, come on, Reesie.

You slut yourself out for crypto,

now just be a slut for Pipi.

Go on, cry, Reesie. You’re all a bunch of sellouts.

Cry for the commerci. Come on, cry.


(all crying)

I’m sorry, folks, the waterpark is closed

for a commercial shoot.

We’ll let you know as soon as we get things back open again.

(tires screeching)

♪ ♪

(people screaming)

It’s Karen!

I want in your waterpark right now!

The park’s closed, they’re filming a commercial.

I wanna speak to your…

(reverberates): manager!

(people scream)

(glass shatters)

PIPI: Good. Good.

And now, Larry David, you come up with the pee in your mouth.

And then you just, you just spit the pee on Gwyneth Paltrow.


(Randy yelling)

(people screaming)

There you are! What’s going on?

You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?!

Scusi, who let you in?

I let myself in because it’s a free country

and I’ll stand where I fucking want!

Get him out of here!

Don’t you fucking touch me!

Don’t any of you fucking touch me!

Okay, we obviously have a bit of a Karen here, let’s, uh…

You can call me Karen all you fucking want!


Why don’t you tell everyone what you’ve been doing?!

(in distance): I want to speak to someone in charge! No!

No, ’cause clearly you’re not in charge!

What’s going on up there?

You don’t even know what the fuck you’re doing!

Do you?!


Hello? Who’s there?

Who’s there? Goddamn it, I-I’m the fuckin’ lifeguard.

(whistle blows)



No, you-you all need to get a life!

I’m not wasted, you’re wasted!

Okay, fine, if you don’t leave, I’m gonna call the police.

Fuckin’ do it!

Fucking call the police!

Bring ’em right here! Why don’t you go back

to your own fucking country?!

Oh, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, whoa.

Tom, it looks like after several days of nothing,

a new Karen video has finally appeared on the Internet.

A livestream caught Karen spewing the usual

entitled hateful bullshit,

and more and more viewers are tuning in!

You probably don’t even have a fucking green card, do you?!

Okay. Please leave, okay?

No! You leave! I’m an American!

I pay taxes!

Okay, please-please leave.

No! You’re a piece of shit

who started the streaming wars on purpose

to-to cause the drought!

Okay-okay, that’s it.

Everybody, we’re sorry for the disturbance.

Yeah, and then you pay celebrities to get people

to invest in your dumb shit

’cause you know it’s fucking dumb!

Somebody get this Karen out of my face-y!

(distant roaring)

(people screaming)


Oh, you fucked now, Karen.

Oh, look out! ManBearPig!


TOLKIEN: Dad? Dad!

Dad, you’re okay!

Tolkien? Tolkien!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Where did you come from?!

We were busted out by our new friend.

It’s okay, you can come out.

Chuck Chuck.

What the fuck is that thing?

I think I can explain it all.

You see, for Pipi’s plan to work,

he needed to control climate change.

And the only way to control anything, is by fucking its mom.

But what Pipi didn’t count on,

was that a child will stop at nothing

to find out who is fucking their mom.

Chuck Chuck.

See? I-I keep them safe, uh-huh.


Whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute, ManBearBitchie.

We have a great team, no?


(people screaming)

You no wanna hurt Pipi. Look at everything we’ve done!






(Pipi gasping)


I give you half of the company, huh?!

What do you say, ManBearBitchie?!

We can own the only streaming service in the world together!





It’s over. We did it!

We did it, Dad!

Randy. Thank you so much.

Randy? What are you staring at?

Oh, here we go again.

No, wait.

Mr… Mr. Marsh?

My eyes are up… Dude!

How to get saltwater to the desalinization plant.

Saltwater… saline.

Saline in the plant.

Saline implant! Holy fuck!


Today we try for a new beginning.

You know, in police work, we don’t always get it right.

I wanted a deck in my hands so bad that I didn’t care

whose deck it was.

But I’m happy to be standing here now

with our new test subject.

Thank you. I just want to say to my mom…

Mom, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t always be the son that you need.

Because right now you need a son that can stay firm and teach you a lesson.

But unfortunately, duty calls. I’m ready.

Okay, hit it.


♪ ♪

Okay, it works. Bring in the rest!

♪ ♪



We got Matt Damon to tell every woman with fake tits to be brave!

Look at all of them.

It’s working!


Hey, everybody! Look!

ManBearPig is leaving with PigBearGirl and Chuck Chuck.


Chuck Chuck!

Hey, wait.

If that little thing is gonna be climate change someday, shouldn’t we, like… kill it?

I think what we should do is try to reach out to it, see what it needs and see if it can be different from its father.

Yeah, but that all sounds really hard.

We have enough water for the summer now. Fuck it.

Let’s smoke some weed!


♪ ♪

(cheering continues)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

The Inheritance (2024)

The Inheritance (2024) | Transcript

A billionaire on the eve of his 75th birthday, invites his estranged children back home out of fear that tonight someone or something is going to kill him. He puts each of their inheritances on the line, to make sure they’ll help.

Find Me Falling (2024)

Find Me Falling (2024) | Transcript

After a failed comeback album, rock star John Allman escapes to a dreamy Mediterranean island, only to discover that his new cliffside home has an unfortunate notoriety that attracts unwanted visitors and an old flame.

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!