Roofman (2025) | Transcript

Roofman (2025)
Director: Derek Cianfrance
Screenplay: Derek Cianfrance, Kirt Gunn
Release dates: September 6, 2025 (TIFF); October 10, 2025 (United States)
Stars: Channing Tatum, Kirsten Dunst, Peter Dinklage, Juno Temple, Uzo Aduba, Ben Mendelsohn, LaKeith Stanfield, Melonie Diaz, Lily Collias, Emory Cohen, Tony Revolori, Molly Price, Jimmy O. Yang, Gabe Fazio, Javier Molina

Plot: In 1998, Jeffrey Manchester is a divorced U.S. Army veteran living in North Carolina. Struggling to provide for his three young children, Jeffrey is reminded by Steve, his friend and fellow member of the 82nd Airborne Division, of his powerful skills of observation. Jeffrey uses his knack for noticing and exploiting routines to rob a McDonald’s, breaking in through the roof at night. Surprising the morning shift, Jeffrey orders the employees into the walk-in freezer but treats them kindly, even giving the manager his own coat before escaping with the contents of the safe.

Over the next two years, Jeffrey carries out over 40 robberies with the same strategy, capturing the attention of the authorities and the media as the mysterious “Roofman”. Arrested at his daughter’s birthday party after attempting to flee, he is sentenced to 45 years in prison while his ex-wife Talana ends his contact with their children.

In 2004, he works in the prison shop using his attention to routines to escape by hiding underneath a delivery truck. Hitchhiking to Charlotte in makeshift street clothes, he is unable to reach his children with a manhunt underway. He calls Steve, who warns him to lie low, and is forced to hide in the bathroom ceiling at a Toys “R” Us.

Venturing into the employee area once the store closes for the night, Jeffrey finds the security system manual and stops the cameras from recording. He furnishes a hiding place in a hollow wall behind a bicycle display, concealing himself during the day and roaming the empty store at night. Helping himself to clothes from the donation bin and other merchandise, he survives on Peanut M&M’s and installs baby monitors to track the store’s staff. When Mitch, the store’s manager, is unwilling to accommodate his employee Leigh’s schedule as a single mother, Jeffrey accesses Mitch’s computer to change Leigh’s shifts himself.

Stealing toys to donate to the toy drive Leigh has organized at her church, Jeffrey claims to be a visiting New Yorker named John Zorn and is introduced to Leigh. He pawns stolen video games to pay for dental work after living on a candy diet, and evades questions at a church singles event by telling Leigh and the others that he is an undercover government agent. Leigh asks “John” on a date, and they begin a relationship. Missing his own children, Jeffrey makes an effort to bond with Leigh’s daughters Lindsay and Dee, but is unable to persuade Leigh to start a new life together elsewhere.

While washing himself at the store, a naked Jeffrey is interrupted by Mitch and retreats to his hideout, leaving police to believe a homeless man snuck in and fled. After Lindsay lashes out at her mother, Jeffrey buys a used car to teach her to drive and takes the family on a reckless test drive. Steve returns after months overseas, and agrees to help Jeffrey escape the country under a new identity for $50,000. Desperate, Jeffrey botches a break-in at the pawn shop to steal a gun.

Adjusting Leigh’s schedule to keep her away, Jeffrey holds the Toys “R” Us staff at gunpoint and pistol-whips an armored car guard, but Leigh arrives while he is calling for an ambulance. She recognizes the masked Jeffrey, who flees with the store’s cash before the police arrive, discovering his hideout. Jeffrey pays Steve for his fake documents but realizes he needs to cover his tracks and burns down his dentist’s office, accordingly. Jeffrey leaves for the airport, but receives a call from Leigh. Unwilling to abandon her, he arrives at her apartment, but it turns out to be a trap by the police after Leigh gave him up. He is taken into custody and receives an additional 40-year sentence.

Leigh visits Jeffrey and they forgive each other, and he reconnects with his own daughter as he accepts life behind bars. A postscript reveals that Leigh remarried, but visited Jeffrey again for the first time in decades. While Jeffrey made two more escape attempts, he is eligible for parole in 2036 and has no desire to escape again.

* * *

Roofman (2025) | Transcript

[birds chirping]

[banging in distance]

[banging continues]

[lock clicks]

[keys jingling]

[Duane] Jade, I need you to start on the bathrooms.

Joslyn, can you please take out all the eggs, batter, patties and McMuffins out of the freezer, okay?

I’ll help you once I turn everything on.

[sets down keys]

[sing-songy]

Good morning, team.

[women scream]

[Jeffrey]

No, no, no.

Don’t be scared.

You just do what I say, no one gets hurt, okay?

[gasps]

No, no, look.

Pointing it down.

Okay, now, I’m gonna say a polite and cheerful “Good morning,” and then you guys say it back.

Good morning.

No… Duane, after I say it.

That’s how that works. Okay?

Now, good morning, team.

[all]

Good morning.

Yes. Perfect.

I say what to do and you guys just do it. Okay.

I want you to get your coats back on.

Duane, grab your coat.

[Duane] Huh?

Grab your coat.

I don’t have one, sir.

You don’t have a coat?

How do you not have a coat?

I just forgot.

[sighs]

Well, you’re just gonna have to be a little cold today.

All right, let’s go.

After you. Ladies first.

Now, listen to me.

You guys aren’t gonna die in here.

Soon as I’m out of here, I’m gonna call the cops and they’re gonna let you guys out.

Probably get the day off.

No, don’t, don’t.

Do not look at me like that.

Duane, stop it.

‘Cause this is your fault.

It’s cold.

Are you serious?

[sighs]

Dang it.

I don’t know what kind of jerk doesn’t bring his own coat to work.

Okay? Happy now?

[Duane] My ears are cold.

[Jeffrey] This is the part of the story where I hope you’re wondering how a nice guy like me ends up becoming a criminal.

[Scheimreif over speaker]

Hello? This thing on? Hello?

[Jeffrey]

Shit!

[Scheimreif over speaker]

Come on, Duane. Good morning.

Uh, welcome to McDonald’s.

I’m gonna put you on a brief hold.

[Scheimreif over speaker]

What the hell, Duane?

[Jeffrey] I can’t blame my parents. I had a good childhood. I was just never good at school or behaving. But I was good at certain things that were really valuable to the military. But after my discharge, I didn’t know where I fit or what to do or how to give my kids the things that other kids had. So I made some bad choices that took away some other choices. And those bad choices all started two years ago at my daughter’s sixth birthday party.

[happy chatter]

[dog barking]

[Jeffrey] All right, you got to make a big ol’ wish.

[kids chattering]

[girl squeals]

One more.

[scattered clapping]

Did you make a wish?

What’d you wish for?

[Becky] A bike.

Bike?

I don’t know if a bike is exactly gonna fit into this box, but… rip it open.

[kids chattering excitedly]

I’m gonna race ya. Yeah.

[chatter quiets]

What do you think?

It’s cool, right?

It’s my old Erector Set.

[baby babbling]

Let’s open it up.

There’s 200 pieces in here.

[pieces clattering]

[boy] No!

I mean, you got engines, you got gears, pulleys, wheels, lights, switches.

We can make almost anything that we want with this thing.

Look, anything that you can dream, we can make it, okay?

Me and you. What do you say?

[kid clears throat]

Can you make a bike with it?

[noisemaker blows]

[stammers] Yeah.

Yeah.

[Steve] I can’t believe the dude I knew from the 82nd can’t even afford a bike.

Well, tell me how you’re doing so well.

Well, let me see.

Just this week, I got two Japanese dudes passports.

That’s 5K a pop.

Five grand for fake passports?

No, for real passports.

Man…

Can I help you with that?

Hell motherfucking no, you can’t.

You can’t help me with shit.

[laughs] You crazy, man?

You ain’t helping me do a goddamn thing.

I don’t need your help.

Plus, we already know that doing things the right way is not your superpower.

Whatever. That’s…

Okay, then tell me what my superpower is, then?

Enlighten me, Buddha.

Mm.

What’s the flow rate on that hose?

12 gallons per minute.

Mmhmm.

How many houses is on this street?

Twentyeight.

And out of those, how many got chimneys?

Garages?

How many of ’em use a heat pump instead of a traditional AC?

You want me to sell HVAC systems or something? Just…

No, no, man, I’m trying to make a point.

Then make the point, please.

Observation.

Details.

You see shit people don’t see.

You got like a little Xray vision going on.

What, you think they dropped you off in Central America ’cause you a good shot?

Is that what you think?

No. No…

No, they dropped you because of what you see.

Shit, if I had a brain like yours, I’d be running the whole goddamn world.

You know, you the smartest dumb nigga I ever known.

That shit crazy.

You can stop filling up that pool now.

Ain’t nobody gonna get in there.

That shit cold as hell.

[laughs]

[Jeffrey] So, Mama is probably gonna want to know how the party was, and, yeah, I think we did our best.

What do you think?

Maybe we don’t mention the pool. [chuckles]

[entry bell jingling]

It’s the trying that counts, right?

[Becky] Mommy!

Hi, birthday girl.

[Jeffrey sighs]

How was your party?

[Becky] Everybody did their best.

[Talena] Oh. Are you ready for your other party?

[car door closes]

Hi.

[chuckles]

How are you?

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Real-real quick, real quick.

I know the last few months haven’t been easy, and we don’t have the things that we actually need, and that’s my fault and I own that.

Okay? I do, but I-I think I have it figured out now.

I just got to use my superpower and put my brain on what I want.

Your superpower?

Your superpower?

Yes.

[scoffs]

I can’t do this, Jeff.

Look

No.

I’m done.

Come on, please don’t do this.

Goodbye.

[car door closes]

[engine starts]

[sighs]

All right, banana head.

Say goodbye.

[Becky] Love you!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

[Jeffrey]

I didn’t blame her for laughing at me. For thinking I was a joke. But there were things that she didn’t know about me. Things that weren’t so funny.

[ladder clattering]

Steve knew what I was capable of. I do see things that other people don’t see. Like right now, I see that kid climbing up that ladder, and I know that under that flimsy roof is a machine that turns ground beef and potatoes into money.

[entry bell jingles]

With the same dining room, the same deep fryers with blinking red timer lights, the same shake machine with the same two flavors and the same safe full of weekend corporate burger money that no one was gonna miss. They empty that safe at the exact same time on Monday morning at every single McDonald’s.

Hi. Welcome to McDonald’s.

Do you know what you want?

Huh?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, yeah, I figured it out.

Thank you.

[Jeffrey] There are over 10,000 almost identical McDonald’s across the United States. Question was: How many do you need to rob to get a real house, buy your kids nice things and win your family back? Turns out, the answer is 45.

[reporter over TV] The Roofman has struck again, cutting a hole through the roof of this McDonald’s at the corner of Madison and Jewell in Fayetteville. As you can imagine, this was a terrifying experience.

[Duane over TV] He came in, threw us in the freezer and gave me his coat. He gave you his coat? Yes. Uh, yeah, he didn’t want me to be cold. He was actually really nice.

[reporter] Police believe this is the same suspect who has been terrorizing our local community with 45 incidents… Mm.

…this past year alone. We have a sketch of the Roofman. He is always wearing a mask. He’s described as six-foot-two with an athletic build. What?

The Roofman has also struck Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken…

Nice TV you got here, Jeff.

Big.

How you afford something like that?

We got 15 hungry kids out there that are losing their minds for cake.

We got to go.

[TV volume increases]

[reporter] …all of these brazen incidents…

We got to go.

Hold on, hold on.

We got to go right now.

Let me see…

If she doesn’t get her presents right now…

I want to know what’s going on with the damn suspect.

…she’s gonna lose her mind.

Can I see?

All right.

Why you turning it off?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don’t, don’t, don’t, d

[groans]

Come on.

Let’s go.

Goddamn, man.

[mariachi band playing lively music]

[playing “Happy Birthday”]

[band and guests]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, bandida ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

You.

[song continues with lyrics in Spanish]

[whoops]

[song ends]

[cheering]

[whistling]

Let’s go!

All right.

Big breath, big wish.

Here we go.

[cheering loudly]

All right, we’re gonna do this one first this year.

Big things in little boxes.

[Becky] What is this?

A garage door opener?

Why’d you give me a garage door opener?

I don’t know.

I just couldn’t think of anywhere else to put, uh, the sabertoothed tiger, so…

I don’t know. I couldn’t put it in the kitchen, could I?

[whispering]

So, where is it?

[band playing “El Fuereño”]

[cheering]

[band continues playing]

You’re the best daddy in the whole entire world!

[laughing]

Now, go ahead, get on it.

[vehicles approaching]

[Becky] I love it.

[tires screech]

[siren chirps]

[bicycle bell jingles]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

How you guys doing?

We’re looking for Jeffrey Manchester.

This about the registration?

Yeah, I got it right in here.

One second.

[“El Fuereño” continues with lyrics in Spanish]

Stop.

You’re under arrest!

[Steve]

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey.

[grunts]

[officers shouting]

[“El Fuereño” continues with lyrics in Spanish]

[siren wailing]

[officer] Freeze! You’re under arrest!

[officers shouting]

[grunting]

[song ends]

[judge] Mr. Manchester, please rise.

The State has proved beyond the defined burden that you committed the crime of robbery with a dangerous weapon.

I’d like to take in consideration your service to this country in the armed forces and the impact of your children losing a father.

Now, I know you got everyone fooled thinking you’re a nice guy, but I know you’re a menace.

Although you’re only being tried for one robbery, we know you’ve done many more.

And so the prosecution has requested that I issue a single count of felony kidnapping for each victim you locked in the freezer.

Let the record state that on the 4th of February, 2004, you’re hereby sentenced to 180 months for each of the three victims, for a total of 540 months or 45 years in the North Carolina Department of Corrections.

Mr. Sheriff, he is in your custody.

[gavel bangs]

This concludes this case.

[lawyer whispering]

[indistinct chatter]

[cell door rattles, clanks]

[phone line ringing]

[line clicks]

[Becky over phone] Hi, Daddy. I really missed you.

Miss you, too.

I miss you a lot.

Hey, did you get the letter that I drew the big ol’ house on it?

No.

Well, maybe it hasn’t arrived. Ask Mama. Mom says she’ll save the letters. When I’m old enough, I can read them. No, no. That is not… that is not right.

These letters are for, they’re for right now.

[Talena] Tell him we’re cutting the cord.

They said we have to cut the cord.

[Jeffrey] No, we’re not cutting the cord. [stammers] Who said that? We went to a meeting for families with dads in prison.

Okay, well, that’s good.

That’s really good.

What’d they say there?

That it isn’t my fault. It’s your fault. And to let you go, all the way, ’cause you’ll never come home, even if you say you will.

Look, that last part is not-that is very, very wrong.

[recorded voice]

You have 60 seconds remaining. Hey, can you put your mom on for a second?

He wants to talk to you.

No. Tell him that you have to hang up.

Gary’s gonna help you with your homework.

She doesn’t want to talk to you.

She said I have to get off and do homework. Gary is going to help me.

Gary? Who’s Gary?

Mom’s friend.

Huh. Mom’s got a new friend named Gary.

That’s-that’s fun.

[Talena] It’s okay, sweetheart.

You can tell him.

Um, okay, I’m gonna call you tomorrow at the same time I always do, all right? They said no more calls.

No, no.

Who said that? No.

[Talena] Hang up the phone. [Gary]

It’s okay, Becky.

You can hang up now.

[Jeffrey] Hang up?

Is that Gary?

Put him on the phone right now.

[Talena] Hang up. Hang up.

Put Gary or your mom on the phone right now, Becky, okay?

[Becky] I have to hang up.

Hey.

Listen to me, I’m coming home. Tell your brothers I’m coming home. And we don’t say goodbye, ’cause goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting, and we’re…

[click, dial tone drones]

We’re–

H-Hello?

Hello?

B… Becky?

[prisoner] Why is you still thinking about them? You got to let that go.

Ain’t no getting out of here.

Get that idea out your head.

[Jeffrey] Every prisoner wants the same thing: to get out of prison.

[tools buzzing]

And they think that the way out is through a wall or over a fence. But the guards got that covered. The way out of prison is through the people. Prison was just another building full of systems and routines. Keep the routine, and the guards won’t get suspicious. If you’re nice enough, if you’re useful, they forget you’re in there for a reason. And when they stop watching you, you can start watching them. You smell that?

Smells like you’re leaking.

How ’bout checking it out for me.

Yes, sir.

See if you see anything.

Yeah.

Doesn’t look too bad just yet.

I don’t know… it’ll probably get you back to where you’re going.

All right.

Well, come on out of there.

All right.

Yeah, you better tell your maintenance guy.

You might need a new gasket.

I appreciate it, man.

Yes, sir.

Have a good one.

You, too.

[truck door closes]

[engine starts]

[tools buzzing]

[whistling a tune]

[door opens]

[tools buzzing]

[truck backup alarm beeping]

[truck engine rumbling]

Yeah. Straight back.

Two boxes.

[Jeffrey] Yep.

Two benches.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Shut her down.

She’s all yours, Mr. Cummings.

Thank you, bud.

Hey, smells like you fixed it.

[chuckles] Good catch.

All right, drive safe.

All right, have a good one.

[truck door closes]

[engine starts]

[engine idling]

[low, indistinct chatter]

[chatter continues]

[brakes hissing]

[engine rumbling]

[tires screech]

[brakes hiss]

[truck door opens]

Jesus.

Phew.

[belt jangles]

[zipper whizzes]

[sighs]

[belt jangles]

[zipper whizzes]

[engine starts]

[dog barking in distance]

[insects chirping]

[Jeffrey laughing softly]

[Jeffrey whispering]

Yeah.

Yeah, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal.

[Jeffrey laughing softly]

[grunts]

[“S’Cudjo” by Zé Manel playing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[Jeffrey over phone]

Steve. It’s me.

Jeff, Jeff, what the fuck are you doing calling me, man?

You all over the goddamn news and shit.

Look, I got to get out of the country.

I’m thinking, like, Brazil or Venezuela.

Somewhere with a beach and no extradition.

[Steve]

God, you sound fucking crazy.

[stammers]

I know. I’m sorry.

Don’t do no stupid shit like go see your family. Hide. All right?

Okay. Okay. I’ll hide.

Don’t call back for another month. All right, I’ma call you in a month.

And don’t call my motherfucking phone again.

You got it? A’ight.

[click, dial tone drones]

Steve?

St

[sighs]

[cart wheels rattling]

[music playing over vehicle stereo]

[light music playing over speakers]

[Mitch] You.

[girl] A lot.

[Mitch]

A lot? We have

Yep.

What do you want?

[girl] A monkey.

A monkey?

[kids chattering]

Wait a minute.

[boy] Turtle.

[Mitch] Turtle.

What-and what do you want?

[girl] Candy.

Candy?

We got a lot of candy.

Uh, um, sir, we’re closing here in ten minutes.

Sir?

Yeah, no problem.

[toys beeping, chirping]

I got you.

[toy beeping]

[toy phone ringing]

[toy gun firing]

[indistinct chatter over speakers]

[toy laser gun firing]

[door creaks]

[door closes]

[panting]

[shoes squeak on toilet]

[grunting]

[door opens]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[door closes]

[indistinct police radio chatter continues]

[officer over radio]

Zero, three, six, five, nine, eight, two.

[footsteps approaching]

[indistinct police radio chatter continues]

[officer] Bathroom’s clear.

[door opens, closes]

[exhales]

[Mitch over speakers]

Attention, Toys “R” Us customers. Our store will be closing in five minutes. So, if you are not a toy or an employee, please bring your purchases up to the front. Whether you are a kid or a parent or an uncle or a friend making a dream come true, it is time to make your choices and meet us at the register up front. If you can’t decide tonight, don’t worry. We promise you we will be here tomorrow, just as long as you promise us to never grow up.

[exhales quietly]

[clattering]

[toy squeaks]

[shoes squeaking softly]

[doors creaking]

[unzips backpack]

[exhales]

[news anchor] Jeffrey Manchester, also known as the Roofman, escaped from Brown Creek Prison earlier today. Tonight, he’s still out there somewhere.

[reporter] Authorities discovered Manchester, who was serving 45 years for armed robbery and kidnapping, was missing this afternoon… Ha.

…during a routine head count. Correction officers do not know the method or exact time of Manchester’s escape…

They still don’t know how I got out.

…but believe he may still be in the Charlotte area. No, no, no. I’m-I’m long gone.

[Scheimreif]

We believe he fled sometime between 12:00 and 4:00 this afternoon. He’s a very smart individual. Super intelligent. Probably genius level. But he’s also an absolute idiot. We believe that the suspect could be armed. And he has a history of violent behavior.

What?

[reporter] Police are asking if you see someone who looks like Manchester, please call authorities and do not confront him.

[birds chirping]

[busy chatter]

[chair creaking]

[Jeffrey exhales]

[chuckles]

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Password: one, two, three, four, five, six.

[mutters]

Whoa. Yeah.

[Jeffrey] Most guys, when they escape, get caught in the first few hours. They go as far as they can as fast as they can.

[knocks]

And that never works. The trick is to stop. Find a place no one will look.

[“Free” by Ultra Naté playing]

[mutters]

[Jeffrey] Sometimes, the best hiding places are in plain sight. A place where people are too preoccupied to see you. So I kept quiet as a mouse. But not at night. I owned the night.

♪ Where did we go wrong? ♪

[reporter] The manhunt for the Roofman enters its third day.

[Jeffrey] People have short attention spans. After a while, they get bored. I figured I had to be quiet for about a month, give or take.

[reporter] Still no leads from police on the whereabouts of escaped convict Jeffrey Manchester, as the manhunt enters its eighth day. [Jeffrey] One time, when I was in the 82nd, I spent 30 days in the woods surviving off of rainwater and grubs. Your body doesn’t need much to keep going. It’s your brain that you have to take care of. If you can make your brain imagine a better place, it can get you through anything. Just pick any place but where you are. Like a beach on an ocean. A place where your kids can visit after everyone else forgets you.

[reporter] Nearly two weeks since Jeffrey Manchester escaped from Brown Creek Penitentiary. Police have set up roadblocks, concerned Manchester may still be in the area. Sergeant, I’m with Channel 6 News. Jeffrey Manchester’s still missing. Do you think he could be in Charlotte?

[Scheimreif] He might’ve kept moving, but we’re not gonna give up on the possibility that he still might be hiding out here in Mecklenburg County. And when he tries to run, we’ll be ready.

Good luck.

♪ Never trust another ♪

♪ ‘Cause they’re all out

to getcha ♪

♪ We have to live

in this world together ♪

♪ ‘Gether ♪

♪ If we open up our heart,

love can finally start ♪

♪ Come on and try ♪

♪ Now’s the time ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’re free ♪

♪ To do what you want to do ♪

♪ You got to live your life ♪

♪ Do what you want to do ♪

[shoes squeak]

♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ Do what you want to do ♪

♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ Do what you want to do ♪

[song fades]

[grunts]

[Leigh over headphones]

One quick question.

[Mitch over headphones]

Uh, yeah.

[Leigh] Okay. I just wanted to talk to you about my hours.

[chuckles]

Um… I need every other weekend off.

[Mitch]

I’m confused. First you ask me for a job, and now you’re asking me for time off.

[Leigh] Well, you know, I’m a team player…

Yeah.

…but, um, I’m also a mom.

I know.

Okay. Well…

I do.

Uh…

You-you reminded me.

I got a divorce six months ago, so…

it’s really hard for me to balance everything right now with work and my girls and my ex.

Oh, come on. [mutters] The custody situation is: They have, you know, one weekend him, one weekend me.

I don’t want to bore you with my personal problems.

Good, good. ‘Cause I don’t want to be bored by your personal problems.

If this is a Toys “R” Us problem, then I’m interested.

But personal problems belong on personal time.

[clicks tongue]

Thank you, Leigh.

Got to get back to payroll.

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

Good to see you.

[Jeffrey] What a dick.

Thanks, Mitch. Okay.

[door closes]

[Mitch] Unbelievable.

Yeah, you’re an unbelievable dick.

I know you’re a mom. You mentioned it before. Mom card. Unbelievable.

[stammers]

[Jeffrey] Dollar sign, U, C, C, E, dollar sign, dollar sign.

That’s the dumbest password I’ve ever…

I’ve ever heard of.

“$ucce$$.”

[computer chimes]

Heh.

[mouse clicking]

[clicking tongue]

[goofy voice]

We found Leigh.

Saturday.

Goodbye.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

[pops lips, clicks tongue]

You have the day off now.

[pops lips]

Voilà.

[news theme plays]

[announcer] The news starts now.

[news anchor] More than 30,000 folks are expected to crowd into town.

[reporter] …came up with the idea “Babe Wash.” And the bikinis do bring in the business.

[reporter 2] The biggest celebrations of the Fourth take place in the skies right behind me.

[Jeffrey] People get bored with last week’s news. Pretty soon, they can’t even remember why they know your face. Even cops lose interest unless you really piss ’em off. Everybody forgets you eventually.

[fireworks whistling and popping]

Except people who really love you.

[fireworks continue popping]

I couldn’t get to the people who love me now without hurting them. The only place I might ever see them again was somewhere else and some other time. The first step was getting out of here…

[pliers click]

…to get there.

[phone line ringing]

[Michelle] Hello?

Hi. Um…

Wh–

Is, uh–

May I, may I speak to Steve?

Please?

Sorry, who is this?

Oh, this is a friend. Well, I mean, this is… Oliver. His, uh, his cousin. [chuckles] I was I’m doing this little… little crosscountry trip, and, uh, he was, he was expecting me.

I was supposed to visit.

Mm. Mm.

He didn’t say anything about a visit.

And I didn’t know he had a cousin.

He must have forgot to mention it, I guess.

Um… [stammers] Who am I sp-who am I speaking with?

Oh, I’m his girlfriend.

What is this about, though?

‘Cause I’m in the middle of something, so, uh…

His girl

okay, great. Could I talk to Steve now? He isn’t here.

Okay, well, should I call back in, like, a… like, an hour or so?

Uh, well, he’s not gonna be back until December 1st.

Where does anyone go till December? He’s in Afghanistan.

He’s not in Afghanistan.

We got back two years ago from Afghanistan.

Well, he took a six-month contract.

Um, but he asked me to take messages for him.

Is there something that you want me to tell him if he calls?

Yeah, uh… tell him that, uh, Cousin Oliver is gonna stay with relatives in the area until he’s back on December 1st for a really important meeting.

Okay, I will tell him that.

And, uh, I will see you then, too, I guess.

Cousin Oliver.

[laughs] Bye.

[line clicks]

[dial tone drones]

[line ringing]

[Becky over phone]

Hello?

Stop tickling me. Just a sec.

Hello? [giggles]

[giggling]

Gary is crazy. Gary!

[Gary laughing]

Who is it? Hello?

[Gary laughing]

[giggling] Gary!

Hello?

Gary.

Who is this?

[Becky continues giggling]

Jeff, is this you? If you call here again, I’m gonna call the cops. Do you hear me?

[Jeffrey crying softly]

We’ve moved on. And you need to move on, too.

[Becky chattering]

Don’t call here anymore.

[line clicks]

[dial tone drones]

[panting softly]

[sighs]

[clattering]

[clattering continues]

[Elmo toy laughing]

[Elmo]

That tickles.

[laughing]

Oh, boy, that tickles.

[distorted] Elmo wants to play.

[laughing]

Let’s play.

[overlapping chatter]

[Elmo 2] Oh, boy, that tickles.

[Elmo 3] Elmo love you. Elmo wants to play. You’re Elmo’s sweetheart. That tickles. Let’s play. Elmo love you. Oh, boy, that tickles.

[distorted, overlapping chatter] Let’s play.

[Elmo singing “The ABC Song”]

Elmo love you. Elmo loves his ABCs…

[humming]

[sputters]

Hey, Leigh.

[Mitch]

Otee-Otee-Otis.

[murmurs]

Hey.

[Otis]

Hey, Mitch.

You’re just the man I want to see.

[time clock clicks]

Cool.

You, uh… you like Peanut M&Ms, right?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[Mitch over headphones]

‘Cause we’re missing a lot of Peanut M&Ms. You have any idea why? No.

[Mitch]

What’s wrong?

[Otis] Nothing’s wrong.

[Mitch]

Seem nervous.

[Otis] I’m not.

[Leigh] No.

[Mitch] No?

No. Not happening.

You can’t talk to him like that.

Okay. You know, we are missing half a dozen boxes out there.

And I just thought boop-they got to be hiding somewhere boop.

[Leigh]

I am so sorry.

[Mitch]

Oh, God. He cannot talk to you that way.

[Mitch]

I’m the bad guy now.

[Leigh] Hey. You got to stick up for yourself. Okay? Or he’s just gonna get worse.

I’m not big on conflict, so…

Yeah.

Okay, well, we’ll-we’ll work on that.

[Otis]

Cool. [Leigh] Listen, Mitch, you really hurt Otis’s feelings, and I think you should apologize.

[Mitch] I’m sorry.

[Jeffrey mumbles]

[Leigh] Well, that’s a good start.

[Mitch chuckles] Okay.

[Leigh] You know, people respect kindness in a leader.

[Mitch]

Mm.

[Leigh]

W-With that in mind, I wanted to invite you to my church. Crossroads Church.

It’s, uh, just across the interstate.

Uh…

Have you been?

Not very churchy.

Okay, well, I’m in charge of the toy drive there, and it got me thinking, here I am, working in a toy store of all places, and you haven’t even donated one toy to my toy drive.

Well, we sell toys here.

We don’t give ’em away.

Okay. What about all those returned toys?

Perfectly good ones that we can’t sell.

We run a business here, Leigh.

Okay.

Well, you can still come.

You know, all people are welcome.

Even if they’re mean or aren’t quite ready yet. So you can come, bring a big bag of toys, or not.

[Jeffrey chuckles]

You’ll be welcome. But bring the toys and you could be a good guy for once. Don’t you want to be a good guy? Come on, Mitch! Be a good guy!

[Mitch] Okay.

[sighs]

[mutters]

Is that garbage?

Uh…

Huh?

Do you want me to put that in the garbage for you?

It’s just toys for the…

Uh, I heard there was a toy drive.

Well, it’s right this way.

It’s o

I’ll just leave ’em here. It’s okay.

[chuckles]

I’m not gonna walk all the way down there in these heels.

It’s very nice of you.

Here you go.

Thank you.

[laughs]

Oh, it’s too heavy for me.

[chuckles]

Got to bring it on in there.

Come on, I’ll show you where the toys go.

Where do you want me to put ’em?

You can bring ’em right in here.

Service is about to begin.

[light gospel music playing inside]

[Pastor Ron]

Anyone that feels alone out there…

[music continues]

…just come on down here.

[speaking quietly]

‘Cause you belong here.

We’re all sinners here, which is why I ask my wife sometimes to sing this tune.

♪ In times of despair ♪

♪ I think about

The good things

That you’ve done ♪

[congregation whooping and murmuring]

♪ Ooh, and though

You’re not there ♪

♪ I sometimes ask myself ♪

[Pastor Ron]

♪ Is anyone? ♪

[Eileen] ♪ Is anyone? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[choir joins in]

♪ It’s so hard being human ♪

♪ With all the troubles ♪

♪ In sight ♪

♪ But somehow I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,

I know, I know ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna

Work out all right ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ But somehow I know ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna

Work out all right ♪

♪ Hey, but somehow I know ♪

♪ Everything’s gonna

Work out all right ♪

[song ends]

[cheering and applauding]

[Eileen] Hallelujah.

[lively chatter]

Wow. Somebody is very hungry, huh?

Big appetite there, huh?

[mouth full] Sorry.

[laughs] Please.

I haven’t had food this good in so long. [chuckles] No, that’s great.

Big food for a big guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, you can’t sneak out of here without saying hello to the pastor and his wife.

No.

It’s against the rules.

No, I would never.

I would never.

I’m Eileen.

John. Z… uh, Zorin. John Zorin.

Yeah, I haven’t seen you around the area before.

I noticed you, obviously, in the, in the-the row there.

Where are you from?

You new to the area?

Yeah, uh, I’m-I’m…

[sighs] I’m just new to this place and, really, everything.

You know, it’s, um…

All of this is really just, you know…

Every-Everything here is just new for me.

I’m-I’m down from New York City.

That’s a walking man’s town, I mean, if ever I’ve been-been to one.

That is a walking man’s town.

That is correct.

I bet you go through a lot of pair of sneakers, don’t you?

[laughs] Everyone does.

Right? Do you go through…

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my. You’ve-You got very small feet for a big guy.

No, I actually have large feet. It’s just, I put on the wrong shoes, and I don’t know, I think these are, like, nines in women’s.

And I’m sorry, I would never wear sneakers to church.

I-I’m really sorry.

You know, I-I would like to introduce you to someone.

I’d like to introduce you to Leigh Wainscott.

She runs the toy drive here, and I heard you gave such a generous donation.

I know she’d like to thank you for it.

You know, she looks a bit busy over there, actually, Eileen.

She’s having a serious conversation with her daughter.

[chatter fades]

Now?

[Pastor Ron] Yeah.

[Eileen] We can.

Yeah. Okay.

You made such a great donation.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Hey, hey.

Okay, great.

Uh, Leigh. Hey, Leigh.

Leigh. Hey, Leigh.

Come, come say hi to our mystery man.

Okay.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is our all-star Leigh.

She is the backbone of everything that is good going on in this church.

She does the outreach, does the meals, does the toy drive, she…

I really don’t know how she does it all, but she does.

And this is John…

Zorin? Zorin from New York.

Oh, New York.

That’s far from here.

Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

[Eileen] So, John

he made a very generous toy donation.

Oh, that’s so kind of you. We…

Couldn’t have come at a better time.

No, I-I mean, um, I really like Christmas and-and birthdays, uh, and just gift-giving time.

[laughs]

I mean, I don’t know.

[stammers]

I just love kids.

You have kids, John?

Well…

You have a family, or are you single?

I’m, uh, just officially divorced, that’s all.

[Pastor Ron] Oh, I’m sorry, John.

Not-not all marriages work out, right?

That’s

that is true.

But to answer your question, I do have kids.

I have two little monster boys, and I got a little girl that is my best pal.

That’s sweet.

And, um… Yeah.

But they’re in New York, and I’m here working.

And what-what-what do you-what do you do for work?

Well, I… [sighs] I-I work for the government, um, but I can’t exactly talk about it.

It’s, uh, it’s classified and all that silliness.

[Eileen] Oh.

Well, John Zorin from New York, our New York spy.

No! No, no.

[laughter]

Definitely not that.

I like that.

Okay, okay.

Well, can I ask you, can we count on you to join us next Sunday?

Yeah.

Well, and also this Wednesday.

Oh. Wow. Yeah.

What’s-what’s Wednesday?

Uh, I run a singles dinner, and this week’s gonna be at a Red Lobster.

I love a Red Lobster.

I mean, not just the seafood.

Those cheese biscuits…

Mmhmm.

I mean, yeah.

I-I mean, are you gonna be there?

[Eileen] Hmm. Leigh?

You think you’re gonna join us for our first single dinner?

Well, I never thought of myself as being a single, but, sure, yeah, I-I’ll-I’ll go.

[Eileen] Okay.

Yeah, I’ll-I’ll be there.

Count me in.

[Eileen] Okay.

[Kami] Good to see you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for joining us today.

Really appreciate it.

[Jeffrey] I liked being John better than I liked being Jeff.

See you on Wednesday.

Wednesday. Yes, ma’am.

John was a good guy. People liked him. Leigh seemed to like him, too. But there was no way a girl like her was gonna really fall for a guy in women’s running shoes and a Spider-Man T-shirt.

[groans]

Also, I really needed to see a dentist. Living on candy is hard on your teeth.

[entry bell jingles]

Good afternoon.

How are you?

Good, sir.

How are you?

[bag unzips]

See what you give me for these.

Uh, how about ten apiece? 300.

Yeah, I’ll go 300.

Okay, let’s do that.

Yeah, deal. Yes, sir.

M.O.D. on number 29.

14 cavities. That’s a lot of cavities for an adult.

Yeah, I’m sorry.

I just have a bit-naturally, I guess, a bit of a sweet tooth, and I’ve had access to a lot of really good candy.

Just haven’t been able to…

Open your mouth wide, please.

…s-stop. Okay.

[whirring]

[laughter, lively chatter]

[pop music playing]

Look at those.

Oh, wow. [chuckles]

[Kami chuckles]

[excited chatter, clapping]

[Jeffrey]

Hello. [chuckles] Hello, ladies.

[women] Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

How is everyone?

[chuckles]

Good.

Oh, okay.

[women chuckling]

I thought this was a singles brunch, not a supermodel brunch.

[laughter]

Ooh. [laughs]

[Kami] You could always squeeze in down here by us.

[laughter]

Well, we wanted to welcome you, John.

[Kami] Yes.

Welcome, welcome.

Am I the only guy that’s gonna be here today?

[laughs]

[women] Yes.

Uh-huh. Yep. You are.

Turns out to be so, yes.

Right. Okay.

Yes. I hope we’re not overwhelming for you.

Oh, no, no, no, I’m actually

I-I’m liking it very much.

Okay, good.

I love having so many new friends, especially beautiful friends.

Um…

Ooh.

[woman]

Sweet one.

So, John, I understand you work for the government.

What kind of work?

I-I would love to get into those details, but I’m undercover, so, um…

[women oohing]

Oh, that sounds mysterious.

No, I can promise it’s not that mysterious.

It’s really quite boring.

[chuckles]

I never knew there was an intelligence unit here in Charlotte.

Oh, are you law enforcement?

I’m retired now, but I was.

Wow. That’s amazing.

[high-pitched gasp]

Am I, am I, uh…

[laughter]

Am I arrested?

How does this work?

I don’t want to make you upset.

[Kami]

You’re embarrassing everyone, Sally.

He did not come here to be interrogated.

No, no, no, I actually really like it.

I feel a lot safer with her here.

Um, but-but yeah.

Um, there’s intelligence just about in every major city.

We just don’t advertise that much, yeah.

Well, if he’s undercover, why’s he at a singles dinner at Red Lobster?

[overlapping chatter]

That’s a fair question.

Well…

That’s a fair question.

I-I can…

That is, that is a question that is not classified.

I am here possibly looking for the next Ms. John Zorin.

[laughter, applause]

Oh, please. Oh, please.

[Jeffrey stammers]

See, but there-there is a problem, though.

I’m having a bit of an issue that there’s just too many beautiful choices here to choose from.

[excited chatter]

No, I’m-I’m sorry.

I should not have said that.

My mom always told me do not compliment a woman on her beauty because it makes her self-conscious.

Um, always start with their shoes.

[laughter]

Speaking of.

Hold on a second.

Let me get under this table.

[laughter]

Excuse me.

Got some high boots down there.

Stilettos at brunch.

All right, girl.

[laughter continues]

Okay, okay.

[Kami] It is getting hot in here.

[lively chatter]

No, no, no, no.

[Leigh]

That was really fun. Look, I don’t get out much, so this was fun for me.

Me neither.

[chuckles]

You sure made their day.

They made my day, truly.

This is my car.

I mean, I’ve never been…

This is you? Ooh, a Subaru.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like it.

All right, I’m-I’m getting my courage up.

Um…

I have two questions to ask you.

Two? Just two?

Yeah.

All right.

Let’s hear it.

Drumroll. Give me the first one. Go.

Um, you’re gay, right?

What? I’m what?

You’re gay.

Gay? No.

Yeah.

[laughs]

What?

Are you kidding right now?

No, I…

No, I mean, look, I don’t have anything against gays.

I love gays, but, like, I’mno, absolutely not.

You just…

What made you think I was gay?

You just seem like one of the girls.

Or, like, you seem to love women’s shoes.

No, that’s not what that was.

[laughs]

All right.

Uh-uh.

All right, well, that-if that’s a no, we can go straight to question two.

Okay. Uh, yeah.

I guess, hit me.

[chuckles]

Um…

Um, would you like to go out with me?

On a date?

Okay.

Wow, you’re a very forward person.

I, uh…

Um, yes, I would, I would very much-really, very much-like to go out on a date with you.

[laughs]

I don’t know, yes.

Yes is the answer to that.

All right.

Okay.

I’m free, um, next Saturday morning?

Perfect.

I’ll pick you up.

Where do you live?

[sputters]

I live in a really boring, uh, government building that’s nondisclosed to the public.

How about this?

Uh, let’s meet at Freedom Park.

Saturday morning, 8:00 a.m.

Sounds like a, like a uh, well, sounds like a date.

It’s a date.

So it’s a date.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Bye.

All right. All right. Sorry.

Hey. [laughs] You were shaking, and I was going…

But don’t get…

There’s a car.

[gasps] Oh, shit.

[laughs] Okay.

All right. Yep.

All right, that was awkward.

Okay.

See ya.

Bye!

[Leigh] It’s hot.

[Jeffrey] It’s hot. [grunts] Wow.

You’re in really good shape.

Thanks, girl.

[both laugh]

My ex, Jeffrey, he…

Yeah?

What?

You said Jeffrey.

Yeah. That’s my ex’s name-Jeffrey.

Got it, right.

Yeah.

His name was Jeffrey?

Yeah. He was in…

Wow.

…horrible shape.

Like, we had no…

No…?

It’s just been a long time.

Oh, okay.

But we’re nothing alike.

Good to know.

Yeah, I-I like people.

He didn’t talk.

He just read war history novels on the toilet.

[laughs]

What?

Mmhmm.

[gags]

N-No, Jeffrey, that is gross.

[laughs]

Right? [laughs]

[gags]

He loves his books, but when it comes to time for the girls or homework or driving lessons, just doesn’t show up.

Stressful.

I just think you need a little bit more fun in your life, to be honest.

[stammers]

Okay.

Do you want to go back to mine and have some fun right now?

What?

Really?

Mmhmm.

Yes. Very much, yes.

I would very much-yeah, mmhmm.

Okay.

Mmhmm. Yeah. Now?

Yeah.

All right.

Told you I wasn’t gay.

[laughing]

Shut up.

[laughing]

[Jeffrey] Tell me about your daughters.

[Leigh] Their names are Dee and Lindsay.

Dee’s 11.

She’s pretty sensitive and creative.

She’s like…

I don’t know.

She-she hasn’t let me cut her hair since she was a baby.

She’s one of those kids.

And then Lindsay’s 16.

She has a sign on her door that says, “Emotionally unavailable.”

[laughs softly]

She also just got her learner’s permit but refuses to drive, even though she wants her freedom, so that’s where we’re at.

Oh, is that right? [laughs] Well, I’m a good driver.

If you want me to teach her, I-I’ll happily do it.

[laughs]

We just met.

That’s a good point.

That’s a… [stammers] Yeah, I know.

Um, I just love kids, so…

Okay, well, maybe… maybe you could meet ’em sometime.

You know, like, maybe you could come over for… for pizza one weekend, maybe?

Like a pizza party?

Can we have a pizza party?

Like a pizza Saturday?

[laughs]

I haven’t been out of the house, let alone on a date, okay?

Okay.

In a very long time.

Mmhmm.

Um, I… I don’t know if my girls are ready for, you know, M-Mom to be dating just yet.

I get that.

We can still have a pizza party and just make it just totally normal.

I’m just a friend from church, you know, that happens to be a government spy.

[laughs]

A nongay one.

You know, a nongay government spy that just comes over and wants to, you know, have pizza with you and your daughters.

You know, just make it normal.

Okay.

You’re-you’re not normal, John, but…

[snickers]

[laughing]

I like you.

You know what’s not normal?

Hmm?

You just look like this all the time?

[scoffs]

Looking inviting.

[laughing]

[Jeffrey mumbles playfully]

[Leigh squeals, laughs]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

[bags rustling]

[knocking on door]

[Leigh] Oh.

He’s here. Okay?

[door opens]

[Jeffrey] Hello.

Please come in.

Wow, that’s a lot of food.

Girls, this is my friend John.

John, these are my girls.

Hey, girls.

Uh, hi.

I’m-I’m John Zorin.

I’m your mom’s good friend from church.

You must be Dee.

That’s short for Delia?

Yeah.

Yes.

You must be Lindsay, and that’s short for…

That’s not short for anything at all, actually. [laughs] Look, I’ve heard so much about you guys.

Uh, and one of the things that I have heard, is that you, Dee, happen to be a huge fan of Zelda, like I am.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Is that right?

Good, ’cause I got you this Link doll.

[laughs]

And another question:

[whispering]

Have you played Four Swords?

No.

It is so amazing, and it comes with this special controller that I’ll teach you how to use later until you can whup my butt, which you’ll probably be able to do really quickly ”cause I hear you’re, like, a Zelda master.

[laughs]

Thanks.

Yes. Zelda worked.

One down.

Lindsay, for you, I have an assortment of very angsty teenage music for your listening pleasure.

[laughs]

[Leigh] Thank you?

No, thank you.

Nice to meet you, John Zorin, Mom’s friend from church.

Where are you going?

I have homework.

[sighs heavily]

[Jeffrey] It’s okay.

[laughs]

Maybe next time.

Okay?

[Leigh groans]

All right? Don’t worry.

[sighs]

I, uh, also happened to have gotten you something, Miss Leigh.

Oh.

[Leigh] This is all so sweet.

[chuckles]

I’m sorry about Lindsay.

I-I thought this might be hard for her.

[Jeffrey] Yeah. No, and, look, I understand that.

[Dee] This one has to go on top.

[Jeffrey] Yeah, the top, top part.

And this one has to go…

[Jeffrey] But wait, where’s the light…

[Dee] Wait, you got to connect.

[Jeffrey] Oh, the click.

[chuckles]

I love the click.

And this one has to go on that.

[Leigh] Dee?

Yeah.

It’s 11:00.

Past 11:00.

Oh, come on, let us finish this. Please?

Please?

She’s, like, the best builder.

We’re like 20 pieces away from the end.

[Dee] Yeah, please, Mom.

So close.

Another time, okay?

[Jeffrey] Okay.

I had the best time with you.

Okay?

Yeah.

[grunts]

[Jeffrey] Can I see you again?

I’d like that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So, if it’s late, I’ll just come and, like, tap on your window?

Oh.

[snickers]

I don’t know if I’m a…

“tap on the window” kind of girl, John.

No?

All right, how about I just knock on the front door?

Okay.

[piano playing “I’ll be Home”]

[Pastor Ron]

♪ I’ll be home ♪

♪ I’ll be home ♪

♪ When your nights

are troubled ♪

♪ And you’re all alone ♪

[choir] ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ When you’re feeling down ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You need some sympathy ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ There’s no one else around ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ To keep you company ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Remember, baby ♪

♪ You can always ♪

♪ Count on me ♪

♪ Count on me ♪

♪ I’ll be home ♪

♪ I’ll be home

I’ll be home ♪

♪ I’ll be home ♪

♪ I’ll be home ♪

♪ Wherever you may wander ♪

♪ Wherever you may roam ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You come back ♪

♪ I’ll be waiting here

for you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I’ll be here ♪

♪ To comfort you ♪

♪ And see you through ♪

♪ And see you through ♪

♪ I’ll be home

I’ll be home ♪

[Leigh] Goodbye, Halloween.

♪ I’ll be home ♪

Turkey time.

[song fades]

[Leigh] Don’t hit the light.

[Otis] I won’t.

Yeah, maybe next year we should get an inflatable Otis.

[Otis mutters]

[clicks tongue]

Hey. I-I’m not stepping in this time.

Okay? You got to do it.

You got to do it.

You got to punch the bully in the nose, you know?

[keyboard clicking]

[knocking on door]

My man, Otis.

Yeah.

Yeah. I need to tell you something, Mitch.

Whoa, okay.

Yeah.

I mean

okay. What?

Um…

[breathing heavily]

What?

Uh…

[Otis stammering]

[Jeffrey] Please say it.

No, I’m sorry. Um, I’m just… What, what? Uh, I was, I was, um…

Say it.

Otis, come on. I…

[Jeffrey] Just say it.

I wanted to tell you I-I… What? I sweeped up the stockroom like you said. Okay, is that it? Yeah.

No. No.

[Jeffrey] My mom used to tell me be careful what you touch. She said that moving one grain of sand changes everything in the whole universe. I think people call it the butterfly effect. That just one butterfly flapping its wings can make a hurricane on the other side of the world. And before we know it, we’re banging into each other’s paths and changing what happens.

[Leigh]

Are you sure you want bangs?

Sure.

It’s a big change.

Thing is about bangs, there’s only about one in a thousand people that actually look good with bangs, but good news is I think that you might be one of them.

[laughs softly]

Oh, God.

[Jeffrey] No one notices the butterfly flapping its wings until everyone feels the storm. I knew a storm was coming. I knew if I stayed in one place too long, eventually someone would recognize me. I knew I had to leave. I just didn’t want to go alone.

[Jeffrey chuckles]

You think you could ever just move somewhere else?

Like a beach or something?

Start over in a new place?

I don’t know, John.

I-I need to come back here, you know?

We could take the girls.

Just pack up and go.

Mm. That’s…

No, I can’t do that.

I can’t do that.

My life is here, John.

[“Don’t Speak” by No Doubt playing over headphones]

[Mitch] ♪ You’re letting go ♪

♪ And if it’s real ♪

♪ Well, I don’t want to know ♪

[Mitch grunting rhythmically]

♪ Don’t speak… ♪

[water running]

[Mitch singing in distance]

♪ Stop explaining ♪

[water stops]

♪ Don’t tell me

‘Cause it hurts ♪

♪ Don’t speak ♪

♪ I know what you’re… ♪

[grunts]

♪ I don’t need your reasons ♪

[muffled]

♪ Don’t tell me

‘Cause it hurts ♪

[song continues over headphones]

♪ Our memories ♪

♪ They can be inviting ♪

♪ But some

Erotically enticing ♪

♪ Writing ♪

♪ As we die ♪

♪ Both you and I… ♪

[singing fades]

♪ Stop explaining ♪

♪ Don’t tell me

‘Cause it hurts ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

[gasps] What the fuck?

[yells]

What? Oh, my God!

[Jeffrey yelling]

Oh, my God!

[Jeffrey continues yelling]

[door opens]

[alarm wailing]

[grunting]

[panting]

[alarm continues wailing]

[grunting]

[clattering]

[grunts]

[alarm continues wailing]

[sirens wailing outside]

[siren whoops]

[sirens wailing]

[alarm continues wailing]

[Mitch over headphones] Oh, my God, there’s a lot of you. He’s-he’s big. He’s naked! He came at me.

[officer] Sir, is he still here?

[Mitch] I don’t know. I heard the-the outer… the alarm door went off.

[officer] So he may have gone outside?

[Mitch] Uh, yes.

[officer]

Charlotte Police!

[officer 2] Charlotte Police!

[officer]

Charlotte Police!

Police department!

Police department!

[indistinct shouting]

Police department!

Police department!

Police department!

[siren whooping]

[officer] The alarm was going off. When we came back here, the door was ajar, so we really believe he went out this way.

[Mitch] We could watch the whole thing, Officer, ’cause I know how to… press “play” on this thing, so…

[Scheimreif] Mitch? Yeah? The good news is you have surveillance cameras all over the store.

[Mitch] Yes. Yes.

[Scheimreif] Bad news… is none of them were recording.

You need to fix that.

Now, besides the naked guy, have you noticed anything strange happening around here?

Uh, uh…

Uh, well, we’re-we’re missing a lot of gaming inventory.

[mutters softly]

What’s a lot?

A substantial amount.

[Scheimreif] You’re gonna have to get some real security in here, Mitch.

[reporter] Workers at this Toys “R” Us are prepping for the holiday rush, but store manager Mitch Haggin says he did not expect to see what he saw this morning: a strong, very tall, naked man.

[Mitch over TV] Uh, aa naked guy ran at me. I think he was gonna kill me, and I ran away, locked myself in my office.

[reporter] When I asked if the naked man would scare off holiday shoppers, Mr. Haggin said he was hiring round-the-clock security. We have a really good security system here now, for sure. Families can feel safe. This is a safe place to come for Christmas.

[Leigh]

I think it looks great.

[TV clicks off]

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

We’re almost ready to go.

[Pastor Ron] Lord, we want to thank you for this wonderful food, and we want to thank you for the gift of family. Amen.

[all]

Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[happy chatter]

[Eileen]

So, Leigh.

Yes?

Why don’t you tell us all that story about the naked man.

[chuckles]

Oh, it-it’s nothing, y’all.

It… it was cold outside, and a homeless man needed to take a shower.

Yeah, but what if he’s also a killer?

He’s…

Stop being overdramatic.

He’s not a killer.

[chuckles]

Your mom’s totally right.

He’s definitely not a killer.

You don’t know that, John.

Well, if he was a killer, he’d have killed him, right?

Uh, the paper said today that there was $10,000 in video games stolen.

Mm.

[Randy] I don’t know if that’s a coincidence or not.

[Eileen] That is a lot of money.

[Lindsay] Well, I don’t know, Mom.

Maybe you should quit.

You have a master’s degree, and I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

It seems scary over there.

I mean, that’s not the worst idea, I guess.

I like my job.

[Randy] Wait. Hold up.

Earlier, you just made it seem like it wasn’t dangerous.

So, if it’s not dangerous, then-then why does she have to quit so suddenly?

[Pastor Ron] Yeah.

I don’t know.

I’m sorry.

Uh, did I, did I say she had to quit?

I don’t think I did, actually.

I think I was just agreeing with Lindsay down here.

I was just saying here that Lindsay actually has a great idea.

If she wants to quit, then she would have more time with her girls.

Yeah.

[Pastor Ron]

Now, everybody, let’s not get too serious, because, uh…

[laughing] I just think it’s kind of funny.

I imagine the guy, he’s just going to work, just a normal day, and then he sees a naked guy running around inside his toy store.

[laughter]

[Kami] Makes me want to get a job there, actually.

[laughter]

Oh, Kami, bless you.

Yeah, I just think it’s really funny, that’s all.

I don’t think it’s funny, Ron.

I-I think it’s sad.

I mean, someone’s so desperate they had to bathe in a toy store sink, while we eat and laugh about it?

I mean, maybe we aren’t Good Samaritans.

[Eileen]

Mm.

[Lindsay] Maybe you aren’t making the best decisions.

Excuse me, ma’am?

Choosing to work there while Dee and I are home alone, waiting for someone to pick us up to take us places?

Like, we…

Whoa, whoa.

If we’re being honest, you’re old enough to drive yourself.

[Lindsay] I don’t have a license.

I told you I would teach you.

Okay?

[Lindsay] I can’t even sit in the car with you.

And now that Dad’s not here, you bring around this weirdo, and we’re supposed to just accept it?

I-I hope the sex is worth it.

[gasps]

[Pastor Ron]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Leigh] Lin…

[Leigh clears throat softly] Sorry.

[chair scrapes on floor]

[Kami whispers]

Our church.

[Pastor Ron] Yeah.

[quiet chatter]

[phone ringing]

[Pastor Ron]

Wow.

[phone continues ringing]

Hello?

[Jeffrey over phone] Uh, hi.

[whispering] Um, this is Cousin Oliver.

I was just calling for Steve.

It’s 7:00 in the morning.

[Jeffrey] Uh, it’s also December 1st, and we had a conversation a few months back that I should call back on December 1st.

Yeah, you just call back. He’s sleeping.

Okay, well, can you just wake him up for me?

Um, just tell him it’s Cousin Oliver.

All right?

It’s urgent.

Baby.

Mm. Mm.

It’s your cousin.

It’s Cousin Oliver.

[groans] Tell him I’m asleep.

[muttering]

Motherfucker. Goddamn.

He says…

We can do it Sunday.

…he’s asleep and that you should come see him next Sunday.

Next Sunday.

Okay, great. Is he still in Fayetteville?

No. No. It’s the Twin Pines Motel.

Twin Pines. Okay.

Room 204. 204.

I got it.

[Steve] And don’t be a fucking dumbass and take the bus.

He says don’t be a fucking dumbass and take the bus.

He wants to know if you got a car.

[Jeffrey] Yep. Tell the sarge, uh, I’ll take care of that and I’ll see him on Sunday as scheduled.

[phone beeps]

[dishes clatter]

H-Hi.

Morning.

You didn’t tell me you had to take a trip.

You weren’t supposed to hear that.

[laughs]

Okay.

Look, it’s not a big deal.

I just have to go and just check in.

That’s all.

Okay.

Mwah.

Morning, Lindsay.

Good morning, Leigh.

Good morning, Dee.

Everybody want to say “good morning”?

[Dee] Morning, John.

[Jeffrey chuckles]

All right, who wants to apologize first, hmm?

No? You?

Come on, guys.

[stammers]

Nobody has anything to say to each other?

Look, families fight.

That’s fine, but they also make up.

Come on.

I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, Lindsay.

[knocks on counter]

Great work.

I shouldn’t have said the thing about sex in front of Dee.

Mm. Yeah.

And…

And? You got it.

And I need a ride to Doug’s.

Nope. That wasn’t…

You aren’t getting a ride anywhere.

Do you have any idea how much you embarrassed me last night?

I embarrassed you?

John, will you drive me?

You do not get to abuse him and then ask him for favors.

[Jeffrey] It’s okay.

I-I don’t mind driving her.

No, stay out of this, John.

See, he doesn’t mind.

If she wants to go somewhere, she can learn to drive.

I’m not driving in that car with that stick shift with you ever.

Well, then I guess you’ll never go anywhere again!

[Jeffrey] Okay, timeout. Timeout.

Ever!

I’m sorry, can I ask my mom to drive me places ’cause she’s my mother?

[Jeffrey] Okay, stop.

I have an idea, okay?

I have an idea. Hear me out.

It’s a great idea.

We need a beater.

What even is a beater, John?

[“Little Drummer Boy” by Jim Nabors playing]

♪ Come, they told me ♪

♪ Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum… ♪

[Jeffrey speaks indistinctly]

[salesman] That’s a nice ride right there, huh?

Classic 1999 with very low mileage.

[Jeffrey] Yeah?

[salesman]

Great color, too.

Awesome family car.

[Jeffrey] It’s automatic.

[salesman]

It is automatic.

Great price.

You guys want to try it out?

Yeah.

Got the keys right here.

Look at that.

[sighs]

It’s nice seats, right?

You know, modern cars just don’t have the same feel.

This is kind of like the golden era.

The ’90s. [sighs] You know, just… [stammers] They don’t make modern cars like this anymore, you know?

Yeah.

These-these are like sofas.

You guys buckled up?

[Leigh] Yeah, yeah.

Any cops around here ever?

Oh, no, no.

Nobody’s gonna stop you here.

Just gonna push it just a little bit.

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

[salesman chuckles]

Okay.

Okay.

[girls laugh]

[chuckles]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

It’s got some horsepower.

Okay.

All right, all right.

Got a nice V6…

[engine revving]

Okay. Okay.

[yells nervously]

[tires squealing]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, sir! Sir!

Watch out!

Here we go.

Oh. Oh! Oh!

[tires squealing]

[girls scream]

[scream] Fuck!

[girls laughing]

Fuck! Slow down!

Slow down!

Slow down!

Slow down! It’s a used car!

Slow down! [scream] Slow down! Slow down!

[tires screeching]

♪ I played my best for him ♪

♪ Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum… ♪

[yelping]

[Jeffrey and girls laughing]

You guys okay?

Motherfucker!

Yeah?

All right, good.

[laughing]

What’s wrong with you, man?

[laughs] Calm down.

No, no, get out.

Calm down. No, no, no.

Get out. Get out!

I’m driving us back.

Lindsay, Lindsay. Stop.

Calm down.

Lindsay, get up here.

You drive. You in the back.

No, maybe she shouldn’t drive, John.

No. No, she’s a kid!

She can’t drive!

It’s busy here. It’s busy.

No, she can drive.

Listen.

No, give me the keys right now.

No, no.

Stop, stop.

Calm down, okay?

How do you teach a kid to swim?

You throw them in the water.

Right?

If you want her to drive, we got to let her drive.

[Dee] Oh, yeah.

Go, Lindsay.

[salesman] Does she even have a license?

[Jeffrey] She has her permit.

[Leigh] No.

[salesman] No, you cannot test-drive with a permit.

Look, listen, I’m gonna purchase this car if the young lady approves, and I’m gonna pay cash.

How’s that sound to you?

I’ll let you hold it.

Come on.

Yes.

Get up here.

You’re driving.

All right.

All right.

Seat belts. Safety first.

All right, this is not a manual transmission.

This is an automatic, so it’s so much easier.

You can just forget about your left foot.

It’s all right foot.

So put your right foot on that brake right there, the big pedal.

Yep, push it all the way in.

All the way in. Real firm.

Okay, now you’re gonna take your right hand, you’re gonna pull that towards you and down to “D.”

Perfect. Now let it go.

Back at two.

All right. We’re not gonna worry about the gas.

You’re just gonna ease your foot off the brake and we’re just gonna move forward, and that’s it.

All right? Take a big breath.

You got this. [chuckles]

[Dee laughing]

[laughing]

You got it. Come on.

You got it.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That’s good.

[Jeffrey] Nice.

[Leigh] Good one.

All right, family.

I always love to take pictures of my happy customers, if you guys don’t mind.

All right.

Big smile.

[camera clicks]

One more, one more.

[camera winding]

Now, let’s pretend your dad almost crashed the car.

[Dee laughing]

[camera clicks]

All right.

[camera winding]

[all chuckling]

Hey, great, great stuff, guys.

Thank you very much.

You’re a better driver than him.

[laughter]

That’s true, actually.

I felt really, really safe with you, so good job.

[growls playfully]

Oh, I’m glad.

Thank you, John.

Congrats, man.

Will you girls wait in the car while I talk to John for just, like, a minute? Here.

Okay.

Okay.

[keys jingling]

We got a beater.

[laughs]

Yeah, we got a beater.

Yeah.

[girls laugh]

I have to say it.

I did not like that driving.

Okay.

I’m sorry. I know.

I shouldn’t have done that.

Yeah.

But Lindsay was a really, really good first-time driver.

Wasn’t she?

She was great.

Yeah.

She did so good.

And-and-I don’t know-I think she’s starting to like me.

They both like you.

They really like you, okay?

I like you.

Just… just need to slow it down a little bit, okay?

Okay.

And we don’t need so many things, John.

We just want you.

Just be you. Be normal.

I promise. The most normal.

Okay.

You take your trip, and when you come back, we’ll have aa few normal nights, okay?

No more stunt driving, I promise.

Okay.

[girls making kissing noises]

[chuckling]

[Leigh] Oh, gosh.

[giggling, making kissing noises] I love John.

[Jeffrey] Oh, my God.

The car. I love the car.

It’s the perfect car.

See you back at the house.

Okay.

[knocking]

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Cousin Oliver.

[dog barks]

Here for Steve.

Oh. Mm, it’s a little early.

[chuckles]

Hey, Steve?

[Steve] Yeah?

Cousin Oliver’s here.

[dog barking]

Hello, dumb dog.

Yeah, I knew you’d show up at the crack of dawn if I ain’t give you a time.

Welcome home, Sarge.

Man.

All right, you…

[grunting] Oh, man.

Yeah, that is enough.

Yeah.

Damn, you look clean for a motherfucker that’s on the run.

I’m trying. I’m trying.

Where you was hiding out at, church?

You know I can’t tell you that.

Seriously, where you hiding out at?

No, I can’t tell you that.

You don’t want to know that.

You ain’t got no contact, right?

You ain’t talking to nobody?

No, no.

Okay, ’cause you know if you are, I can’t help you.

No, why would I do that?

You good?

I’m good. I’m good.

Keep your eyes on me, then.

Why you keep darting them around?

I’m not darting them.

I’m looking right at you.

You sure you’re all right?

Look.

Okay.

[“Loyalty” by the Tim Terry Experience playing]

[Steve] We gonna need to change that hair before we take the photo. Uh, baby, what you think? Wig? Dye?

For-for his hair.

I think we do a wig.

Yeah. Don’t worry, Jeff.

You’ll still be you.

But cuter.

Like Brad Pitt.

Ugly-ass Brad Pitt.

[Steve]

Oh, my God.

Baby, are you serious about this?

I’m-I’m…

[stammers]

This is a panty dropper.

Oh, my God.

Baby, come on.

Okay.

Oh. [groans] You got to be fucking kidding me, baby.

[Michelle] Say hi, baby.

Wow.

Baby, ththat’s… that’s a good one.

That’s good, right?

Yeah.

This one feel good to you?

Mmhmm.

Mmhmm?

Feels like you could be this person for a while?

Mmhmm.

You ready?

Mmhmm.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop with the damn smiling.

Fuck you doing?

Just… normal face.

No, yeah, serious.

It’s like a… it’s your passport, you know.

You’re not allowed to smile.

One, two, three.

[camera beeps, clicks]

[whirring]

[Steve] Read this shit. Study it.

All of it.

All right?

It’s gonna be the new you.

You’re Kenneth Owen Griffin.

Born July 7, 1974, from Lumberton, North Carolina.

Now, I’ma get all your documents.

Don’t worry about shit.

Transfers, records-I’ll have it all done, A to Z.

Okay. What-what are you thinking, like 5K?

Oh, no, it’s gonna be a lot more than that, man.

More than that?

How-how much more?

You think I don’t know what you doing, huh?

You probably got a girlfriend, don’t you?

What? No.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you not good at this shit.

Good at what shit?

Being a criminal, nigga.

Let me tell you something.

Good criminals are cold, calculating.

You understand?

Now, you got the calculation down, but, man, you just… goofy.

The price… it’s gonna be 50K.

All right?

50? 50?

Yeah.

Hey, you a lot of risk, man.

Can you do it?

Okay. Yeah.

How you gonna do it?

I’ll get it.

I’ll get it.

Well, if you’re thinking about using a gun, do me a favor.

Stay the fuck off the TV.

Roofman, you understand what I’m saying?

Don’t do anything stupid.

[engine revving]

[grunts]

[panting]

Ow.

[exhales]

Okay.

Shit.

What the…?

[panting]

[crickets chirping]

Shit!

Shit!

[shouts]

Shit!

Stupid idiot!

[panting]

[alarm blaring]

[groans]

[alarm continues blaring]

[door rattling]

[hammer drops on floor]

[grunts]

[alarm ringing]

[Mitch] 90% of our annual sales happens in the next two weeks. Think about that. There’s gonna be a lot of money coming in, and we need to be ready for it. Considering our recent setbacks, I think we’re doing pretty good. You should be proud. Come on.

Come on, guys.

Come on. Come on.

But the ball game starts now.

[Mitch] We’re beefing up security so the store is safe and families feel safe in the store.

Right on schedule.

Because if our customers have a good Christmas, then so do we.

You are so punctual, my friend. I like it. Your job is to sell toys.

[Mitch] It’s gonna be a little bit heavier this time around.

[straining]

Yeah, getting a lot of these lately. It’s good for your arms, muscles there.

[Mitch] We’re gonna open early and stay open late every day this Christmas season, and that includes Christmas Eve.

I posted the new schedule.

Now, I know some of you are gonna have shifts they don’t want, but there’s no exceptions or changes.

You show up when your name is on the schedule.

Now, let’s have a happy Christmas. Let’s do this for the kids.

[clapping over headphones]

Come on. Back to work.

♪ Oh, our Father is

The maker of Mary ♪

[“Happy Christmas” by Byron Lee & the Dragonaires playing]

♪ And Mary is

The mother of his Son ♪

♪ The Son is a blessing

From the Father ♪

♪ So let’s hear

Thanks and praise ♪

♪ Sing happy Christmas ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ You… ♪

[Lindsay laughing]

Nice hat.

You look like a Christmas supervillain.

Yeah, I am a Christmas supervillain.

You’re driving, though.

I’m driving?

You are driving.

Okay.

Holy shit, you got so much stuff.

[laughs]

Mom’s gonna freak out.

Yeah, she’s gonna freak out with joy.

[laughs evilly]

[bells jingling]

[upbeat music playing over speakers]

♪ Coming back for everyone ♪

♪ Christmas is

coming back again… ♪

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Okay.

[Jeffrey] Perfect timing.

Everyone’s ready to go.

Mwah.

[Leigh] Hey, guys.

I can’t go to church tonight.

Why not?

I have to wake up super early.

I have a shift tomorrow.

[Jeffrey] Then I have good news for you.

Mitch called, and he’s gonna be a nice guy and let you sleep in.

Mitch called?

Mmhmm. Yeah.

Uh, said 10:30.

10:30?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

10:30 to 4:30, I think he said.

Why? [chuckles] I, uh… I don’t know.

I mean, maybe he knows that you have a family and he wants you to be able to spend the holidays with them.

[upbeat music playing over speakers]

♪ Coming back

For everyone… ♪

[Lindsay chuckles]

[Leigh sniffles]

Mmhmm.

Hey, Mom.

Hey. [chuckles] I love you.

[Lindsay] I love you.

[Leigh] I love you.

[church band playing “No Room At The Inn”]

[Eileen] Come on into the manger.

♪ Well, she said

There was no room ♪

[choir] ♪ No room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room at the inn ♪

♪ Well, well

The time had fully come ♪

♪ For the Savior

To be born ♪

♪ But they told her

There was no room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room at the inn ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ According to the Word ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ There was a virgin girl ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Mother of Jesus ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Wandering round that night ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ She was trying

To find a place ♪

♪ For the Savior to be born ♪

♪ But they told her

There was no room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room at the inn ♪

♪ I said there was no room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room at the inn ♪

♪ One more time

There was no room ♪

♪ No room ♪

♪ No room ♪

[fading]

♪ No room at the inn ♪

♪ I said the time

Had fully come ♪

♪ For the Savior

To be born… ♪

[takes deep breath]

[grunts]

[sighs]

Otis, back to work. Come on.

Clean that nursery, would you?

Like I told you to.

Okay.

[“Sleigh Ride” by The Ronettes playing]

[panting]

[Mitch] Hello, sir.

[guard] Hello.

Mr. Money Man, Mr. Money Man.

[breathing sharply]

♪ Just hear those

Sleigh bells jingling… ♪

[Jeffrey] Good morning, Toys “R” Us employees!

Hello. This is the police.

[employees screaming]

You guys, you know you got an alarm going off back there?

Everybody, this way.

You’re coming with me.

Little faster.

[employee] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He has a gun.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Please keep your hand away from your gun, sir.

Get on, get on your stomach.

You two, come here.

No one’s gonna get hurt if everybody just does what I say.

On your stomach. Otis, here.

Zip-tie everybody up.

Otis, come on.

Uh…

Jesus Christ.

Mitch, zip-tie everybody up.

Okay? Get on your stomachs, eyes down.

[Otis] Okay.

Wh-What did I say?

Come on.

On your stomach.

Get down.

Don’t do this right now.

Hey, hey.

What did I say?

[employees screaming, sobbing]

Shit.

Shit.

That wasn’t my fault.

[employees whimpering]

He’s a bad listener.

[employees sobbing, breathing heavily]

[Mitch] This is not happening.

Everybody, take a breath.

Mitch, give me one of those.

Thank you, sir.

[zip ties fastening]

[Mitch muttering]

Sorry. Sorry.

[grunting]

Okay.

[Mitch] Sorry. Sorry.

[Jeffrey] Come on, Mitch.

Let’s get a hop on.

Let’s go.

It’s gonna be okay.

Sorry. Sorry.

[groans]

Guys.

Everybody, just calm down.

I’m sorry about this.

Mitch, get the keys.

Come on.

Let’s go to the safe.

No, there’s no money here.

There’s no safe.

You think I don’t know that there’s a deposit that you take to the bank every Tuesday?

Huh? Come on, please.

You’re okay.

[Mitch whimpering]

Eyes down. Eyes down.

I’m sorry about this, guys.

It’ll be all over in a second.

Come on.

You do this every day.

Calm down.

Come on. Here we go.

Good job.

Eyes down.

[whimpers]

Just… find the key.

Oh, God.

[Jeffrey] Eyes down out there!

Yes. Okay, put it in.

Oh. Okay.

Put it in the safe and open it.

Take the bag out.

Put it down.

I need you to take the ink bomb out.

If I do that, it’ll blow up everywhere.

Not if you do it quick.

Zip it right back up really fast, okay?

Okay.

Okay, good.

[gasps]

[screaming]

Oh, God.

[Mitch whimpers loudly]

Goddamn it.

[“Adeste Fideles” by Vic Damone playing]

[employees whimpering, sobbing]

[Otis] He needs an ambulance!

You said you weren’t gonna hurt anyone, but you hurt him!

He needs an ambulance!

And you’re just a bully!

[sobbing]

You’re just a bully!

Otis?

♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪

[crying]

I can’t see.

[Otis crying] He need… he needs an ambulance.

♪ Joyful and triumphant… ♪

I guess it’s obvious I’m just a pushover, huh?

All right, Otis.

Fine, I’m calling 911, okay?

♪ To Bethlehem ♪

[line ringing]

♪ Come and behold him ♪

[operator]

911. What’s your emergency?

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ O come, let us ♪

[Leigh gasps]

♪ Adore him ♪

Shit.

♪ O come

Let us adore him ♪

♪ O come, let us ♪

Shit!

♪ Adore him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord ♪

[alarm blaring]

[grunts in frustration]

♪ Sing… ♪

Charlotte Police!

Charlotte Police!

Police department!

Charlotte Police!

Charlotte Police!

♪ Sing in exultation ♪

Oh, oh, wow. Okay.

Wait a second.

♪ Sing, all ye citizens… ♪

You were calling him names.

[Otis laughing]

He had a gun, and he was calling him a bully.

[laughing]

Oh, man.

♪ Glory to God ♪

♪ In the highest, glory ♪

[fading] ♪ O come

Let us adore him… ♪

[officer] Did you see any part of his skin or any other clothing?

[Leigh] Um, I could tell he was a white man, yeah.

Did you see his eyes?

Mmmm.

[Steve] This is fucking fantastic, Jeff.

You a fucking nut, you know that?

It’s fucking great.

Baby, you see this?

[Michelle] Yeah.

[Steve] Okay, let’s see.

This is your North Carolina-issued driver’s license, all right?

That’s your passport.

Notarized birth certificate.

You got your check stubs from your last job.

Oh, and there is your ticket.

You leave at 11:00 p.m. out of Charlotte.

Now, what you’re gonna do is a layover in Miami, and then you’re gonna fly to Barranquilla.

From there, you’re gonna take a little bus and it’ll have you in Venezuela before the weekend’s out.

Looks like I got everything I need in case I decide to go tomorrow.

“Decide”?

You already made your decision, man.

What you talking about?

I mean, you can’t expect me to go on Christmas, right?

Can’t I just stay awhile?

I’ll just lay low.

That’s not a choice you have, Jeff.

You got to leave tomorrow.

I got people waiting on you, man.

I got a security guy in Miami.

He’ll be at line three.

You got one shot, man.

11:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Don’t miss this shot.

All right?

Baby, let’s get this, uh, wig on him.

[Michelle] You bet.

One more thing I was thinking about.

Saw on the TV there was some shit about a armed robbery.

I don’t know nothing about that.

[Michelle] I need your thumbs.

[sighs]

You know, you got to cover your tracks, Jeff.

Yeah.

Everything you touch.

I need you to really think about who you talked to, who talked to you, who knows your voice.

I’m over a cliff for you, man.

You understand that, right?

Yeah.

So, nothing?

No doctor’s visits?

Uh, I went to the dentist and got some cavities filled.

But that’s it.

Okay. You ain’t get no X-rays?

No, I got X-rays, but I gave ’em a fake name.

Okay. Well, it don’t really matter if you gave ’em a fake name if they got your teeth, Jeff.

[sighs] All right. Yeah.

Look, I’ll take care of it.

Any messes you made, you clean it up.

Then you go straight to the airport and wait for your flight.

No getting on the news.

No goodbyes to anyone you said hello to.

That means no postcards, no calls. No none of that.

[“Auld Lang Syne” by Byron Lee and the Dragonaires playing]

Shit, we had a good run.

You know?

You know, after all this stuff calms down and, like, I get settled over there, do you think you could tell some people where I’m at and they maybe could… visit me sometime?

No, no, no.

It’s none of that, man.

Nobody coming to see you, Jeff.

You’re starting over.

You’re on your own now.

[softly] Yeah.

[traffic passing]

[liquid splashing]

[explosion]

[glass shattering]

Oops.

[engine revving]

[ringtone playing]

[Jeffrey sighs]

[ringtone stops]

[ringtone playing]

[ringtone continues]

Hello?

[Leigh] John.

I was just about to call you.

Is everything okay?

I’ve been calling you. Where are you?

I’m driving.

Well, actually, I just pulled over.

Are you coming to Christmas dinner? The girls have been asking for you.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it.

Want to meet us at 5:00? At home?

At 5:00? Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah. I’ll be there.

[Leigh sighs]

You there?

Are you okay?

I can hear you, I can hear you breathing.

I love you, John.

I love you, too, Leigh.

I’ll see you at 5:00.

[line clicks, beeps]

[airplane approaching]

[sighs]

[jet engine whooshing loudly]

[birds chirping]

[engine shuts off]

[car door closes]

[car door opens]

[vehicle engine revving]

[dog barking in distance]

[knocking]

Leigh?

[dog continues barking]

[Jeffrey]

Merry Christmas-Police! Lay down!

[officers shouting]

Get on the ground!

Get down!

Get on the ground!

Get on the ground!

On the ground! Get down.

Get down.

Don’t move.

Don’t move.

Do not move.

Doing good. Don’t move.

Do as we say and you won’t get hurt.

You understand me?

I got him. Nuh-uh.

Don’t move, dickhead.

[siren whoops]

Don’t fucking move.

Drama’s over.

What’s your name?

[officer over radio] What’s your name?

[Jeffrey over radio] I think you know my name.

[officer] What’s your name?

[Jeffrey] Jeffrey Manchester.

[officer] PID. Target.

[Scheimreif] We got him. We got the Roofman.

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[officer] He almost made it. Let’s move.

[indistinct police radio chatter]

Come on.

Search his ass.

He’s a tricky motherfucker.

This way. Come here.

Search him good.

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[Jeffrey] I probably let myself get caught. Or maybe I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. They threw the book at me. Gave me 384 more months. That means by the time I get out of here, I’ll be an old man.

[door closes]

Gave me a lot of time to think about my life. Everything. When I was out there in the world, I wasn’t thinking of the things or people that I was putting at risk. Now that’s all I think about. We all like to go back in time to imagine how things could’ve gone differently if we made different choices. Like right now. I was imagining what it would’ve been like if I never committed all those crimes and lost my family. Or if I got to keep on living with Leigh and her girls forever. Sure, they’d boss me around a little and make me go to church. But they’d laugh at my dumb jokes and forgive me when I was on the wrong part of cold and calculating. Or something.

[honks softly]

I started to realize that all those people I loved didn’t need me to give them so many things. They just needed me. My time. And now that’s all I have. Time.

[Becky] I got four A’s.

[Jeffrey] You got all A’s?

[Becky] Yeah.

Even in math?

Yeah. Becky, I’m so proud of you.

[Jeffrey] It all could’ve gone a different way, for sure. But it didn’t. It went this way.

Hey, buddy.

And that was okay with me.

‘Cause in here, I…

I can’t hurt anybody anymore.

Yeah. I’m…

I’m where I’m supposed to be.

[prisoner] You ever think about it?

What?

[prisoner] You know, breaking out of this place.

[chuckling]

No. No.

Mm.

I’m…

This is my home now.

[prisoner 2] You know, I have to admit, brother, like, that love story part was really good.

I am curious.

You ever see Leigh again?

[door buzzes]

[quiet chatter]

[sighs]

[Jeffrey laughs softly]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Hey.

Hi.

Should I call you Jeffrey?

Just another jerk Jeffrey in your life, I guess. Yeah.

How’s Lindsay and Dee?

They’re okay.

Yeah.

Did Dee keep her bangs?

She did.

[softly]

Yeah.

[breath trembles]

I’m sorry.

[crying]

I’m so sorry that I hurt you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.

You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Leigh.

You don’t.

You didn’t hurt anybody.

You just told the truth.

Yeah.

I was really angry at you.

I was most angry at how you hurt the girls.

[sniffles]

But that’s not the way I think about it now.

Okay?

I think about it as an adventure.

We had a lot of fun.

[sniffles]

We’re thankful.

Well… [clears throat] maybe I’ll come visit you sometime.

Gonna tap on my window?

[both chuckle]

Maybe I’ll just knock on the door. [laughs]

[sniffles]

[crying softly]

[reporter] The Roofman has returned to rob again, overnight cutting his way into this McDonald’s on the intersection of Wilkinson and Main.

[man] Just to look at what he’s done, it appears he’s very intelligent.

Um, it’s just that he also likes to commit crime.

[reporter 2] Holes cut into the roofs, workers told to get into the coolers, but no one was hurt. In fact, the suspect was nice.

[man 2] Very polite person.

He always makes sure that the employees, before he walked them into the refrigerator, that he has them put on their coats so that they’ll stay warm.

[reporter 3] This was an earlier composite drawing of Roofman, always wearing a mask. The owner here refused to comment on all details of the robbery, referring calls to the McDonald’s corporation. But he’s also robbed Burger King and Blockbuster…

[reporter 4] Police caught him with $9,000 in cash, allegedly stolen from two McDonald’s restaurants, the first in Gastonia, the second in Belmont. The suspect almost got away, until a worker at this Belmont McDonald’s saw which way he ran and then called police.

I interacted with Jeffrey on the robbery that happened in the McDonald’s in Belmont.

The whole time, he was saying, “I’m so sorry. You guys are the good people. I’m the bad person.”

He was a nice fella.

He, uh, he was real nice.

He didn’t, uh… he didn’t come across as, uh… you know, come up, talk junk, you know.

Or, “Why am I here?”

Nothing like that.

You know, he… he was a nice fella.

He’s an incredible liar, um, pretty much about everything.

Everybody thinks, “Oh, he’s such a hero “because hehe gave the toys to the children.”

Well, the toys are stolen.

[Pastor Ron Smith] As far as, like, having an inkling to maybe there’s something there, no, I didn’t have any kind of inkling.

He was a nice fella.

He got involved in our church.

[reporter 5] But now that the pastor knows John is really Jeffrey Manchester, the escaped convict accused of sticking up Toys “R” Us and torching a dentist’s office, how does he feel?

My belief is that, um, as a church, you got to stand with somebody.

Doesn’t mean that you agree with what they did.

The Roofman, or the Rooftop Robber, I-I never heard anything about that.

It was-I was oblivious to anything until after my relationship with Jeffrey, and then he was captured.

Then it just seemed to be everywhere.

[scoffs] Never thought that would happen to my office, him trying to burn it down toto hide his record.

The whole front area was gone.

In the beginning, it just seemed to me he had everything together.

And it’s a perfect example of how greed and money and bad influences in your life could change your outcome.

[reporter 5] Pastor Smith says he’s already visited Manchester in jail.

He could not believe that I came to see him, that, um, that we would not just be really mad at him and turn our back on him.

[reporter 5] Although it was a church member who turned Manchester in. Police captured him leaving the apartment of Leigh Wainscott, the new girlfriend he met at a church singles event.

I talked to my oldest daughter, you know, about this, um, recently, and, uh, I asked her to share with me anything that she remembered, um, that she could share, and she just said, “Oh, yeah, I remember very well.

“He was, he was awesome, you know. We had so much fun.”

And, um…

They didn’t have anything bad to say about him.

Nothing at all.

[music ends]