Red One (2024) | Transcript

Red One (2024)
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy
Director: Jake Kasdan
Writers: Chris Morgan, Hiram Garcia
Stars: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, J.K. Simmons, Bonnie Hunt

Plot: M.O.R.A (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority) is a secret organization protecting the peace between mythological creatures and humans. Callum Drift, head of Santa’s security, plans to retire after one final Christmas but faces a crisis when Santa Claus (code-named “Red One”) is kidnapped by Grýla, a winter witch. Callum teams up with Jack O’Malley, a hacker who unknowingly leaked the North Pole’s location. Their search leads them to Grýla and Krampus, Santa’s estranged brother, who initially refuses to help. Grýla intends to imprison all naughty children using magical snow globes, but Jack and his son Dylan break free after rekindling their bond. Callum, Jack, and Krampus thwart Grýla’s plan, rescue Santa, and seal Grýla in a snow globe. Santa reconciles with Krampus and invites Jack and Dylan on the Christmas Eve run, while Callum decides not to retire after witnessing Jack’s renewed Christmas spirit.

* * *

[♪ Ray Conniff: “Here Comes Santa Claus”]

♪ Oh, Santa Claus is coming round ♪

♪ He’s coming round tonight ♪

[roaring]

♪ Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus ♪

♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane ♪

♪ Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer are pulling on the rein ♪

♪ Bells are ringing and children are singing ♪

♪ And all is merry and bright ♪

♪ Hang your stocking and say your prayers ♪

♪ ‘Cause Santa Claus is coming tonight ♪

♪ Oh, here comes Santa Claus ♪

[children chattering, laughing]

♪ Here comes Santa Claus ♪

♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane ♪

♪ Da-ra-di-da-ra ♪

♪ He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for the boys and girls again ♪

♪ Da-ra-di-da-ra ♪

♪ Hear those sleigh bells, jingle-jangle-jingle ♪

♪ Oh, gosh, what a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ So jump in bed and cover up your head ♪

♪ ‘Cause Santa Claus is coming tonight ♪

♪ Oh, here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus…

[keys jingling]

Oh, sorry, Uncle Rick.

[Uncle Rick chuckling] Excuse me.

[intriguing music playing]

[lock clicks]

[doorknob squeaks]

What is this?

Like I said, we’re being played.

Now, pay up.

[others sighing]

How’d you even find this stuff?

I can find anything or anyone.

Then why can’t you find your dad?

Hilarious, Gene.

Look, I don’t know what all this stuff is, but Santa is coming tonight.

Okay, can we talk about that for a minute?

Jack O’Malley.

Kids, go downstairs.

Not you.

[footsteps departing]

What are you doing, pal?

Look, we love having you here for the holidays,

but what are you telling your cousins?

The cold, hard truth.

Cold, hard truth? [chuckles]

Jack, these are presents, yes,

but these aren’t Santa’s presents.

Right.

Because Santa Claus hasn’t been here yet.

It’s Christmas Eve. He’s coming tonight.

[sighs]

He’s coming here, to this house, tonight?

That’s what you’re telling me?

That’s what I’m telling you.

And he’s also going to every other house in the world on the same night, using flying reindeer for transportation?

Yes, Jack.

And what fuels a flying reindeer exactly?

[stammers] Carrots.

Okay, look, I don’t know exactly how it works.

All I know is, when we wake up tomorrow, Santa will have been here.

[sighs]

All right.

Let’s go.

You don’t want to get on the Naughty List, do you?

Honestly, Uncle Rick, I’m not that worried about it.

[intriguing music playing]

[barista] Christine, triple-shot Americano.

♪ ♪

[Lenny over phone] Jack O’Malley. I don’t believe it.

Lenny. Do you miss me?

Where’s my money?

I’m getting you your money.

I told you I’m gonna get you your money.

I’m on a job right now.

In fact, I’m planning on doubling it.

You still got Morris at plus-300?

Morris? That stiff?

Put me down for 25K.

You got a lot of balls, O’Malley.

I know. Brains, too. It doesn’t seem fair, does it?

[people chattering, whooping]

All right.

[instructor] Good. Feel it.

Good. Seven.

There you go. And switch.

Eight.

Good. Nine.

[electrical crackling]

[dramatic music playing]

[instructor] Come on. Come on, now.

[dogs barking]

Give it all you got.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh. Fire.

[stammers] Fire.

[people gasping]

[panicked chatter]

Grab your stuff.

[barking continues]

[indistinct chatter]

What are you looking at?

[barking continues]

[grunts, groans]

[intriguing music playing]

[beeps]

[lock clicks]

[dramatic music playing]

[beeping]

[babbles]

[♪ Mariah Carey: “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”]

[baby crying]

[dogs barking]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

[siren blaring, fire truck horn blasting]

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The snow’s coming down ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I’m watching it fall…

[indistinct arguing]

Gift card. Gift card.

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

[indistinct arguing]

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The church bells in town ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Are ringing in song ♪

♪ Christmas…

[child crying]

Ultimate Vampire Assassin 4 for the Switch. Got it.

Are you gonna write that down?

No.

Steel trap.

♪ They’re singing “Deck the Halls” ♪

♪ But it’s not like Christmas at all ♪

♪ ‘Cause I remember when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun…

[indistinct arguing]

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Pretty lights on the tree ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ I’m watching them shine…

Hey, Fred.

Got a 5-11, male grown-up, hovering by the scented candles.

Keep an eye out.

[Fred over comms] Copy, chief. I got eyes on him.

Hi, Santa. We made cookies for you.

Thank you.

[sniffs] Chocolate chip and snickerdoodle.

I love snickerdoodle.

How’d you know?

I made them myself.

I helped.

You know what? I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys. Come here a minute.

We’re live! Yo, it’s your boy, Beef Stew.

And we’re here at Christmas at the mall with the boy, the GOAT, Santa.

And we’re gonna get him to put on Stew Crew T-shirt.

Sir, you can’t cut the line.

Ah, what’s the matter, big dude?

You don’t want to show some Christmas love to the Beef?

These kids have been waiting a long time.

Look, man, it’ll take two minutes.

He puts on the shirt, and he says, “Now we beefin’.”

[Callum] Sir.

[Beef Stew] I’m a big deal.

I have over 3,000 followers.

I’m gonna make your boy famous.

Just got to put the shirt on.

He’s already quite famous.

[sighs] Don’t be a total…

Sir, you can’t cut the line.

[tense music playing]

Have I made myself clear?

Yes, very clear.

Now, I wish you a merry Christmas.

Yeah.

Yeah, I’m-I’m gonna go. Um, yep.

Now, you guys have a very important appointment with Santa.

[Nick] Man, I needed that.

So important to get out and talk to the kids.

Best part of the job.

[child] It’s Santa!

Nothing like a crowded mall two days before Christmas.

Yo, Santa, man! Merry Christmas!

[vendor laughing]

Merry Christmas, pal.

[♪ Dean Martin: “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”]

♪ Man, it doesn’t show signs of…

[sniffing]

Tell me you’re not gonna miss this.

God! What do you mean you’re sold out of essential oils?

I’m gonna bash someone’s skull in.

I’m not gonna miss this.

Approaching ground floor.

Let’s heat up Ice Breaker.

Freddy, secondary array.

Hundred-and-eighty-degree spread. Go.

[Fred] Copy that.

[agent] Copy that. Red One is on the move.

Vampire Assassin 4 is hot this year.

Thanks, Ginerva.

Sure thing, Red.

[Nick] Carl, you got any milk up there?

[Carl] Of course, Red.

[Nick] I always love coming to Philly.

You think we have time to stop for a cheesesteak?

Won’t be the same without you, Cal.

It’ll be exactly the same without me.

[scoffs quietly]

Stubborn pain in the butt.

[dramatic music playing]

[tires squealing]

General.

Red, good to see you.

Successful excursion?

Yes, sir.

The mall at Christmastime is like oxygen for me.

Thank you.

Evening, ladies.

[reindeer bellowing softly]

What are you so excited about?

Oh. Of course.

Your boyfriend’s here.

[laughs]

Hey, girls.

[laughing] Okay. Okay.

Of course I didn’t forget.

Yes, I brought extra.

Who’s hungry?

There we go.

Cal.

Come on, man. Clock’s ticking.

[majestic music playing]

[engines whooshing]

Red One, you are clear for takeoff.

All right, ladies.

Let’s go home.

[reindeer huffing]

[majestic music continues]

Thanks for the escort, fellas.

See you next year.

Kavalame!

[whooshing]

[explosive whooshing]

[rumbling]

[beeping]

[bell clangs over TV]

[indistinct commentary over TV]

[Jack] Come on, Morris.

[computer trilling]

[line ringing]

[distorted voice] Go ahead.

I got it.

I don’t know what the hell it is, but I got it.

Send the coordinates.

Well, why don’t you send something my way first?

Wiring the first half now, the rest when the data is verified.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

[commentator over TV] He’s staggering.

He’s in the corner!

No.

No. Morris is down!

No! Oh, my God.

[bell clanging over TV]

[gentle music playing]

[music building dramatically]

[sighs]

Home sweet home.

[majestic music playing]

♪ ♪

Whoa, ladies.

[busy chatter]

Red, welcome back.

Thank you.

Where’s the missus?

I’m-I’m right here.

Deliverables was a half hour ago.

Larry, this is going to Bermuda.

Copy that. Bermuda.

Garcia.

Welcome back, chief.

What’d I miss?

Nothing.

Everyone’s working.

There’s a bottleneck in ribbons.

Phil is blaming wrapping.

Wrapping says Phil’s being overdramatic.

Everybody’s feeling the heat.

All right. I’ll talk to him.

Please. Phil’s driving everybody nuts.

[sighs] Phil in ribbons is having a total meltdown.

Maybe it’s time to find a less stressful spot for Phil.

I don’t know, tinsel?

Phil out of ribbons?

Just a thought.

He’s got a dog named Ribbons.

Yeah, right.

Four ninety-five. Four ninety-six.

Four ninety-seven. Four ninety-eight.

Four ninety-nine. Five hundred.

In five minutes. Not bad.

Yeah, getting warmed up.

[Mrs. Claus] All right, I’m gonna run the simulation model on Belgium and Holland again just to be safe.

Thank you, sweetie.

All right, if you need me, yell.

Hey, Callum. Jump in there.

Get him ready, okay?

It’s almost showtime.

Yes, ma’am. Will do.

Hey, boss.

Cal.

[sighs]

Give me a spot, huh?

Got it.

[exhales sharply]

Up. [exhales sharply]

Tell me why.

Time for a change, Nick.

It’s like I told you.

Yeah, I heard you.

And I’ll respect your decision, but I want to know why.

Let’s go heavy.

Yeah. Got it.

[grunts] You’re looking strong.

We work for the kids, Cal.

We do it for them.

And I know you love that.

You live for that.

So, what’s going on here?

I love the kids.

It’s the grown-ups that are killing me.

Go on.

The list.

What about the list?

We’re up almost 22% year over year.

I’m aware of the numbers, Cal.

What are you getting at?

For the first time ever, more people are on the Naughty List than not.

And it’s like they don’t even care.

So much bad behavior out there everywhere you look.

Uh, you say it all the time, Nick.

We choose every day who we want to be.

With big decisions and little ones, and every one of them matters.

But I look around, and they act like none of it matters.

If nothing matters to them, it seems to me they need us now more than ever.

That’s why there’s only one you.

And no one with my doubts should be so close to you.

You need somebody younger, someone 300 years old, in their prime, who wants to change things.

Not our job to change people, Cal.

People change themselves.

We just show ’em that we believe in ’em.

All of ’em.

‘Cause we know who they really are, down deep.

We know that somewhere inside every lost grown-up is the kid they once were.

Our gift is that we can see that, even when they can’t.

We work for the kids, Cal, even when they’re not kids anymore.

I’m just having a really hard time seeing it.

And that’s why.

Let’s have a cookie.

The answer to everything.

Got to carb up.

You know, I burn about 400…

You burn 430 million calories every Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

Yes, I know.

One last ride, huh?

One last ride.

[wistful music playing]

[Callum] Mmm.

[wind howling]

[ominous music playing]

[whooshing]

Here!

Get to it, Lads.

[whirring, crackling]

[dramatic music playing]

[quiet chatter]

[gentle music playing]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[comms beep]

Alpha check. It’s Drift.

Looks like a light just fried on the anterior west face up around mail room 19-B.

Anyone up there?

[Jeff over comms] Yeah, this is Jeff in maintenance.

You don’t miss a thing, Commander.

I’ll check it out.

Thanks, Jeff.

[tense music playing]

Hey, Jeff, looks like we got a few more of ’em, too.

What’s going on up there?

[static droning over comms]

Jeff?

Jeff, do you copy?

Who’s with Red?

[Callum over comms] Arthur, is he still with you?

Negative, chief.

[Callum] Kenny, do you have him?

Not in the gym.

Who’s with Red?

Gorman, are you in the residence?

[Gorman over comms] Finkle just took over.

Finkle. Finkle!

I need eyes on Red now!

Mail room, negative.

Study, negative.

Mistletoe hydroponics, negative.

He’s not in the gallery.

[chiming]

[agent over comms] Logistics, negative.

[agent 2] Anteroom, negative.

[agent 3] Candy cane packaging, negative.

[agent 4] Nursery, negative.

[overlapping chatter over comms, all ending in “negative”]

[dings]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

Nick. Nick!

Breach!

We have a breach!

[agent] Does anyone have eyes?

[busy chatter]

[grunting]

Code green! Code green! Full lockdown!

Armored snowcat heading north.

[agent] Copy that.

Locating.

[agent 2] Who has eyes?

Just turned right on Pine.

[agent 2] Copy.

Containment barrier five going up.

Street unit six, deploy.

Box ’em in!

[yells, groans]

Agents down.

[grunts]

Raise barrier 72!

Raising 72.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[whooshing]

[grunts]

[engine revving]

Snowcat just turned left on Candlestick.

[tense, dramatic music continues]

There’s a hole in the dome.

[engine revving]

[grunts]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[panting]

[alarm blaring]

[busy chatter]

What the hell just happened?

There’s been a breach, Director.

I know.

Red has been taken.

What? Where’s Cal?

I’m right here. Cal, what happened?

Who could’ve done this?

Zoe, I don’t know.

We are 24 hours to Christmas Eve.

We cannot…

Yes, I’m well aware.

Okay. Okay, let’s take a deep breath.

[sniffles]

Start from the beginning.

They cut a hole in the CF Dome using an atomic plasma torch.

From the footprints, I’d say there’s eight to ten of them… human.

They rolled in on a remote armored snowcat, which they used as a diversion before they blasted out of here in a NORAD-blind cargo jet.

Good God, Cal.

I’m gonna find ’em, Zoe.

We’re gonna work together on this.

We were just told that someone hacked the Intercontinental Seismic Surveillance System.

I don’t know if it’s related, but if someone knew where to look, that’s the only vulnerability in the cloaking.

Who?

We don’t know yet. The trolls are scouring the Web.

Name and address.

They’re working on it.

Then tell ’em to work faster. We don’t have time for this.

[agent] Director, the trolls have a trace.

Patch them in.

What have you got?

We traced the relays.

Looks like The Wolf.

[scoffs]

The Wolf.

Who the hell is The Wolf?

Mercenary, bounty hunter, works for the highest bidder.

A ghost on the dark web.

FBI’s been trying to recruit him for years, but he’s a freelancer.

He’s probably the best tracker in the world.

The guy’s a legend.

[snoring]

[cell phone vibrating]

[Jack groaning]

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

What?

Nice. Are you in town?

That depends.

What do you want?

I need you to do me a favor and go pick up Dylan.

I’m right in the middle of something important.

This isn’t a good time for me.

Yeah. Me, either.

I have two mothers-to-be with weakening contractions and labor that’s not progressing, and Craig’s out of town.

Liv.

Dylan got in trouble at school.

I just need you to go pick him up and drop him off at my place.

Liv. Jack.

I’m stuck at work, and Craig’s away, so just do me a favor and go pick up your kid.

[dreary music playing]

[engine rattling, squealing]

[brakes grind and squeal]

[door handle clunks]

[Jack] I got it.

I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, you got any aspirin?

What?

No.

[Jack] I got to get something in my stomach.

You want a churro?

No.

[tires squealing]

[horns honking]

Shut up!

Hey, man. Can I get two?

I don’t want a churro.

I heard you. They’re for me.

So, what are they saying you did?

Tampered with the school’s attendance records, which I did.

Allegedly.

Never admit that.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Yeah, yeah.

[engine rattling, squealing]

[horn honks]

The music teacher leaves his computer open during fifth period.

Mm-hmm.

I started to ditch science so I could go and practice guitar,

then I’d change it on the computer.

Makes sense.

There’s this girl in jazz band, Piper.

She started to ditch with me, but then Kevin…

Who’s Kevin?

My best friend. At least he was.

What’d Kevin do?

Kevin found out and wanted to ditch, too.

But he’s not even in jazz band.

He just wanted to hang out with Piper.

I was the one hanging out with Piper.

So I’m supposed to go in and change his absent to present so he can hang out with Piper?

It’s bullshit.

So, instead, I gave him three more absents.

Good. Send a message.

He got busted and told the vice principal.

Kevin.

So I slashed the tires on his bike.

I know, you’re disappointed.

I am disappointed.

[sighs]

Look, if you’re gonna hack a mainframe, you do it quietly.

You go in through a back door, no fingerprints.

But more importantly, the second this kid Kevin knew what you were doing, you got a loose end.

Never trust anybody. Anybody.

And never let someone get the upper hand on you, ’cause they’ll use it.

Yeah.

All right, I got to go practice.

I have this dumb winter pageant thing tonight for jazz band.

A pageant? Oof.

I know.

I said it was dumb.

Good luck.

We’re gonna talk when I come in.

[Dylan] I know.

Thought labor wasn’t progressing.

Yeah, then it did.

Thanks for picking him up, though.

I don’t know what’s going on with him these days. He’s acting out.

Yeah, well, you know, growing up is tough.

Is that why you’re avoiding it?

I walked right into that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He’d really love to see you more often, Jack.

I just picked him up.

I know.

It was really nice. We had a good talk.

He told me about school. I mean, I don’t know what…

He would love that to happen more often, is all I’m saying.

I got to go to work.

Okay.

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Yeah.

“Merry Christmas, Jack.”

[horns honking]

[lively chatter]

[♪ Brenda Lee: “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”]

♪ Rockin’ around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop…

[siren wailing in distance]

[elevator bell dings]

[elevator doors open and close]

[ominous music playing]

[elevator bell dings]

[doors open]

[sighs]

[grunting and groaning]

[intense music playing]

[electrical crackling]

[pained grunting]

[whooshing]

[gasps]

[grunting and groaning continue]

[electrical crackling]

[pained grunting]

[yells in pain]

[electrical crackling]

[pained grunting]

[gasping breaths]

[distant door closes]

[tense music playing]

♪ Everyone’s dancin’ merrily ♪

♪ In the new old-fashioned ♪

♪ Way ♪

[distant door opens]

[Zoe] Hi, Jack.

[electrical crackling, whirring]

[electrical crackling, whirring]

[quiet, tense music playing]

We know what you did.

Huh?

We know what you did.

Okay. Um…

First of all, sorry.

Second, could you be more specific?

Honestly, you could be talking about 12 different things right now.

Who are you working for?

Lady, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I work for whoever pays me.

[Zoe] You have about 40 seconds to become helpful before you have a terrible accident, so I’m gonna ask you one more time:

Who hired you to find him?

Find who?

You know who.

[chuckles] I promise you I don’t.

If I did, I would tell you.

I’m not a scrupulous person. You can ask anybody.

The Intercontinental Seismic Surveillance System.

Sound familiar?

Yeah. I did that.

It was a weird job.

Somebody was trying to find someone who was running tests on some weapons systems in the arctic, and I…

I found the location, and I walked.

For who?

[chuckles] I don’t know.

I’m telling you, all the communication is encrypted and untraceable.

That’s how it’s supposed to be so if someone like you shows up I don’t have any answers.

Look, I don’t ask questions.

I just find people that no one else can find.

It’s what I do.

[mysterious music playing]

You really don’t know what you did.

[laughs] I guess not.

I mean, I can tell you’re very upset about it, though.

Box him up.

Box me up?

Wait, wait. What do you mean? Hey.

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[busy chatter]

[Jack] Is this really necessary?

Ow.

Cool place.

How long you been here?

M-O-R-A?

[Zoe] MORA.

The Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority.

Come again?

We are the multilateral international organization responsible for securing and protecting the mythological world.

Come with me.

Did you say “the mythological world”?

Yes.

Right.

So, uh, bigfoot,

Loch Ness Monster, that kind of thing?

That kind of thing.

Okay, so… things that don’t actually exist, you guys are responsible for.

Got it.

[neighing]

Holy shit!

[mysterious music playing]

If he knows anything, he ain’t talking.

All right. Horse back to the pen, body back to Area 32.

And get the pumpkin back in the cryo-vault stat.

Yes, Director.

What the hell was that?

The Horseman.

We’re questioning all the usual suspects.

The Headless Horseman?

Hey. What did that Taser thing do to my head?

It’s not a Taser. It’s an Acquiescer.

Just take a deep breath and have a seat, Jack.

[chair drags]

What am I doing here?

Last night, at roughly 11:00 p.m. NPST,

Red One, also known as Saint Nicholas of Myra, was abducted from the North Pole complex.

The data you retrieved from the I-Triple-S was used to pinpoint the location, which has been secure and classified for several hundred years.

Use your words.

Are you saying…

Santa Claus has been kidnapped?

And you think I had something to do with it?

[Callum] Where is he?

[dramatic music playing]

Is that him?

[Zoe] Jack “The Wolf” O’Malley, meet Callum Drift, commander of the E.L.F.

The E.L.F.?

Turns out Jack here didn’t know what he was doing.

Somebody hired him to find the complex, and incredibly, he did.

Who?

He doesn’t know.

I don’t know.

Yes, he does.

No, he doesn’t.

They always know something.

Sometimes you just got to shake it out of ’em.

I’m not gonna like you.

I can tell right away, out of everyone here, I like you the least.

Garcia.

[joints cracking]

What the… [yelps]

Yeah, chief.

[Callum] This guy’s not cooperating.

[Garcia] Ah.

Should we do the thing?

I’m afraid we’re gonna have to.

Cal, let’s talk about this for a minute.

There’s nothing to talk about.

You can’t trust this guy. He’s on the list.

What list?

You know damn well what list.

Look, I’m not on any watch list. I know for a fact that…

Wait a minute.

You don’t mean…

Yes, that list. You’re on it. I checked.

NL-Four.

[Garcia] Are you telling me this clown is a Level Four Naughty Lister?

A Level Four Naughty Lister?

Oh, is that funny to you?

Hey, hey, hey. What are we doing here?

[roaring]

Come on.

[Zoe] I know this is killing you, but you have to trust me.

Dismembering this shit bag isn’t gonna help.

It would feel good, but it won’t help.

I’m right here.

[Zoe and Callum] Shut up.

What are you thinking?

We’re gonna put him to work.

No, absolutely not.

Excuse me?

You said you work for whoever pays you.

Today that’s me.

He’s not telling us everything he knows. Look at him.

[Zoe] He is telling us everything he knows.

He just doesn’t know who hired him.

Well, I mean, how much are we talking here?

Garcia.

[Garcia growling]

[Jack groaning] Okay.

Okay. I don’t know who it was, but I can figure out where they are.

Or where they were last night. [groans]

God. [exhales sharply]

Look, it is anonymous… I don’t know who it is… but in my line of work, I need insurance, you know, in case of billing issues, so I Trojan-horse a digital tracking bug into their VPN.

Are you saying…

Yeah, I can track the device.

Then I suggest you do it.

Can we circle back on the whole paying me thing?

I know what they paid you. We’ll double it.

Triple.

Garcia.

[growling]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on!

All right, all right. Double’s fine. It’s Christmas.

Wise choice.

I need my cell phone.

[grunts]

Whoever did this… is in Aruba.

Where in Aruba?

I work alone.

You used to.

No offense, but I’m not rolling into Aruba undercover with a giant elf.

It’s E.L.F.!

[Zoe] Cal.

We can’t trust this guy.

That’s why you’re holding the leash.

And this…

[beeping, whirring]

…is how I can find you anywhere on Earth.

You’re mine until we find him.

I suggest you get going.

[grunts, groans] Claws!

[ominous music playing]

Well, this is unfortunate.

No, this is what needed to be done.

I sincerely doubt that.

You know, I know a guy who’s gonna be very upset about this.

What are you gonna do with that?

The world is a mess because they fear nothing.

I’m going to give them something to fear.

I’m going to do in one night what you have failed to do for centuries.

And what is that?

I’m gonna make the world a better place.

[whirring]

What are you doing?

Borrowing some of your energy.

Now… go to sleep, Nicholas.

[echoing] Go to sleep.

[dramatic music playing]

[tires squealing]

[horn honks]

[tense, energetic music playing]

[toy squeaks]

We doing some last-minute Christmas shopping?

Gearing up.

Grab a car, something practical.

[♪ The Bird & The Bee: “Deck the Halls”]

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, deck the halls…

[song continues faintly in distance]

[Callum] Here.

[Callum sighs]

Let’s go.

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la…

Ooh!

[panting]

[♪ “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” instrumental]

[entry bell jingles]

[indistinct chatter]

What the hell just happened?

Toy stores.

Toy stores what?

The supply closets are portal stations for the North Pole Field Network Transit System.

[sighs]

[tense music playing]

Car.

I said practical.

Like what, a minivan?

Who wants a practical Hot Wheels?

Also, what difference does it make?

I gave you a directive.

A directive?

[laughs] Is that what you think is going on here?

I’m telling you now, you better listen to me because things are about to get real.

♪ ♪

[whirring, whooshing]

[triumphant music playing]

How did…

I adjusted it to reality.

And does that…

No, it doesn’t work on everything.

No, you can’t try it. No, you can’t drive.

No more questions. Now, get in.

And be careful with those robots.

[tires squealing]

[engine revving]

[dramatic music playing]

So you’re like the bodyguard for Santa Claus.

I’m the commander of the E.L.F.

What’s that stand for?

Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification.

But as far as you’re concerned, it stands for

Extremely Large and Formidable.

[chuckles softly]

[Jack] Mm-hmm.

And that’s all you do all year, just… protect Santa?

It’s a big job.

Sure. Sure.

It’s one day, though, right?

Like, it’s a big job for one day.

We work 364 days a year because on that one day we deliver presents to several billion individual domiciles across 37 time zones without ever being detected by a single human being.

We prep, we rehearse every moment, every stop down to the last chimney.

So yeah, it’s a lot of work.

Three hundred and sixty-four days?

We have Boxing Day off.

Wouldn’t it be easier if you broke it up?

You know, like send different teams out different places, just more efficient?

No, it doesn’t work like that.

He’s got to do it all himself?

He doesn’t have to. It’s his purpose.

He’s a singular force in the universe.

Okay, so worst-case scenario… is there someone that can step in for him, like a vice Santa Claus?

Are you listening to me? No.

No one can do what he does.

He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and he knows that about every single person on this planet.

He has a list the size of Rhode Island, and he checks it twice.

If you were to try to read that list just once, it would take you a decade, but he does it twice.

And the reason why he’s able to do any of it is because he is Santa Claus, the one and only, and no one else can execute his mission.

Which is?

To spread cheer, asshole.

Good feeling.

Ready for a test.

Bring me the weapon.

[tense, ominous music playing]

♪ ♪

[soft ringing]

[soft buzzing]

[machine whirring]

[machine powering down]

[whooshes]

[steam hissing]

[machinist] Duplication complete.

Good.

Now let’s see if it works.

Who do you have in mind, Mum?

We’ll start with the first name on the list.

[suspenseful music playing]

[engine revving]

[♪ Roy Richards: “Jingle Bells”]

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

[Jack] All right, now we’re talking.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Cal.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you so much.

I’m just gonna live here now.

Gonna marry her.

Why don’t you focus?

We got to find your guy.

Not a lot of fun, are you, Cal?

Oh, I’m fun.

As a matter of fact, I won the prize for most fun gift wrapper for 183 years in a row.

Well, I take it back.

[intriguing music playing]

[Jack] Want me to show you how to do this?

[Callum] I would suggest you give it a shot.

I see the worst in everyone, Cal.

It’s my gift.

And it’s the key to my work.

I can see a person’s worst qualities just by looking at ’em.

See, look at this guy.

He’s married but not to her.

That’s why he has a tan line where his wedding ring should be.

This guy’s about to screw over that guy.

[laughter]

That’s why he’s laughing too loud.

And this guy… now, he’s interesting.

Why, you ask?

I didn’t ask.

Well, I’ll tell you.

Shoes.

Look around.

Anyone else at the beach wearing shoes besides you, me and him?

And we’re all working something.

[Jack] Ah.

He’s a Karmanian Death Merc.

So is that guy and that guy.

You can tell by the tattoos on their hands.

This is all fascinating. How about we find the guy we’re actually looking for?

That’s the guy we’re looking for.

The Karmanians are his security detail.

You sure?

I’m sure.

We’ll have a few drinks, paint some nails.

We’ll see where the afternoon takes us.

Hey, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Going to talk to him.

No. No. We got to go in sideways here.

Remember when I said they’re called Death Mercs?

We’ll be fine.

[suspenseful music playing]

Keep walking.

I need to talk to him now.

Keep walking.

I’m gonna count to five.

[scoffs] Then what?

Then you’re gonna get hurt.

Oh.

Listen, dickhead. It’s Christmas.

So in the yuletide spirit, I’m gonna say it one more time.

[rousing music playing]

[grunts]

[groans]

[yelps]

[grunting and groaning]

[panting]

That was… so disturbing.

What’s this?

What the hell, Ted?

[Ted] Just give me a minute, sweetheart.

I got to talk to these absolute morons for a second,

and then we’ll go get some boba.

Okay.

Where is he?

Who?

You know who.

You really want to do this?

Uh, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

And while I’m enjoying this visit from, uh, the Magic Mike Christmas brigade,

I got a couple ladies waiting on boba teas.

Okay. Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

[Ted] I’m playing, big boy. Come on.

Before you implode this man’s skull across this heavenly beach, can I have a crack at it?

[Ted] Look, I’m telling you, for your own health and well-being, I suggest you leave right now.

You don’t know who I know.

All right. Well, you know what I know?

I know you bought some information yesterday and you paid quite a bit for it.

Coordinates, the arctic.

I know this ’cause I’m the one who sold ’em to you.

You…

You’re The Wolf?

No. You should not be here.

Do you know what you’ve done by coming here?

My client is not to be messed with.

[Ted grunts]

Who’s the client? New York?

Much worse.

She’ll kill us. She’ll kill us all.

Who is it?

I can’t say her name.

She will hear.

Write her name in the sand.

[groans]

[suspenseful music playing]

“Gree-la”?

You idiot.

“Gry-la”?

No!

[Jack, echoing] “Gree-la”?

[ominous music playing]

[ice crackling]

[thunder rumbling]

[thunder crashes]

[panting]

[grunts]

[crackling]

Cal, Cal.

[grunts]

[jarring music plays]

[straining] Callum Drift,

storied warrior of the North Pole.

Gryla, the Christmas Witch.

It has been many years.

Not enough.

Where is he?

He’s right here, fast asleep.

Signal from Commander Drift.

[Callum over speaker] Gryla, where are you?

[Ted laughing over speaker]

The Witch.

I need him back unharmed immediately.

It is not to be, warrior!

I need M-WAT teams in motion

to every one of her ancestral haunts.

Yes, Director.

What is it you want?

The same thing I have always wanted for hundreds of years.

To make them behave.

[Ted] The time has come… to punish the naughty.

All of them.

Everyone who is on the list.

Everyone who has ever been on the list.

From killers to jaywalkers.

Anyone who’s ever lied or littered.

Anyone who’s ever been rude or late.

You’re talking about almost everyone.

Everyone I see fit.

Tomorrow they will all be punished.

And he is going to help.

You know he doesn’t punish people.

Step away, warrior.

Let him go, Witch.

I’ve warned you.

And I’ve warned you.

You can’t see it yet, but when you wake up this Christmas morning, the world will be much, much… nicer.

What in the actual fu…

[static buzzing]

Get those teams moving now.

[groans]

What the hell was that?

[gasping]

What was that? What the hell was that?

Where is she?

We got to get out of here.

[Callum] Where is she?

[Ted] I don’t know.

I’m just a middleman. I brokered the deal.

I’m telling you, she does not mess around.

Cal. Cal.

[♪ “Feliz Navidad” instrumental]

[indistinct chatter]

[music stops]

[engine shuts off]

[intriguing music playing]

[rumbling]

[people screaming]

[screaming continues]

Snowmen.

[growling]

[ringing]

[whooshing]

[ice crackling]

[panicked chatter]

[quietly] No.

Get him out of here. He’s our only lead. Don’t let him get iced.

All right.

[tense music playing]

Come on.

Go. Go.

[people gasping]

[Jack grunts]

[people screaming]

[grunts]

[groans]

[gasps]

[screaming continues]

[grunting]

[growling]

[panting]

[tense music building]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

[blender whirring]

[straining]

[grunts]

[flames whooshing]

[straining]

[gasps, groans]

[whimpers]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[groaning]

[growls]

[yelps]

[squeals]

[whimpering]

[screaming]

[ice crackling]

[grunting]

[choking]

[panting]

[grunting]

[groans]

[gas hissing]

[grunts]

[explosion booming]

[grunts]

[grunting, panting]

[ice crackling]

[grunting]

[gasping]

[panting]

Just got to rip off their carrots.

I’ll remember that next time it comes up.

Want to give me a hand here?

[Callum] You’ll figure it out.

[groans]

[grunting]

[♪ Laufey: “Christmas Magic”]

♪ Let me tell you about Christmas magic…

I’m sorry, I think you’re confusing me with someone who cares!

Tell Grandma I don’t have time to pick up her meds.

She can take the bus.

Goodbye.

Asshole.

Get a life.

♪ For you to put on your coat ♪

♪ Let me show you Christmas magic ♪

♪ It’s the best kind ♪

♪ Of sorcery I know ♪

Whoa.

[soft ringing]

What the…

[music distorting]

♪ With the angels singing…

[Aaron whimpers, screams]

[song stops]

[ominous music playing]

It’s still here.

What do you mean it’s still there?

It’s supposed to come back to me.

The machine isn’t working. Fix it.

Now, or else the next test will be on one of you.

Yes, Mum.

[device whirring]

[investigator] Careful.

That’s it.

[Callum] She iced the broker.

She really wanted to shut him up.

By the time he thaws out, he’ll be useless to us.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Zoe] My guys scanned all the surveillance footage from the Pole last night.

Look at this.

That her?

[Callum] Sort of.

She’s a shape-shifter.

She’s actually a 900-year-old ogre with 13 sons who kill on command.

Huh.

[sighs] Tracking shape-shifters is a nightmare.

She said that she was gonna punish them all, every level.

I’d be more worried about what she didn’t say.

She wasn’t negotiating.

It’s a kidnapping with no demands.

Doesn’t usually end well.

Unfortunately, our only lead is now an ice cube.

Not pointing any fingers.

Cal, not helpful.

[Jack] Yeah, Cal.

Not helpful.

So, what would you normally do?

[chuckles]

I mean, normally, I’d be running credit cards, checking pings off cell phone towers, trying to build a footprint… her, her associates.

Never tracked a witch before.

Dated a few.

Right, Cal?

I’ve dated several witches. What’s your point?

Would she have any footprint that I wouldn’t know about because I’m, like, a regular human being?

Have you run a check on recent UDMs?

What’s that?

Unauthorized deployments of magic.

[intriguing music playing]

[tech] Lot of hits. Pretty typical stuff.

Couple of abjurations in Nairobi.

Handful of divinations in Santiago and New Orleans.

No, she’s a conjurer.

[tech] Got a pair of conjurations eight days ago, few hours apart.

Picked up the echo off the resonator in Germany.

The brother.

Whose brother?

Nick’s.

Santa’s got a brother?

Adopted, yes.

She’s working with the brother.

We don’t know that.

No, but can you think of a better place to hold Nick?

Think about it. It’s under a concealment dome, and MORA has no jurisdiction because of the treaty.

He doesn’t leave, and we don’t visit. That’s the deal.

We bust in and Nick’s not there…

MORA’s not going. We’re going.

And he’s never gonna know we’re there.

Cal…

T minus 17 hours, Director.

[Zoe sighs]

Keep me in the loop every step.

In two hours, I brief the presidents and prime ministers and kings and queens of everywhere so they can prepare.

Prepare for what?

For the possibility of no Christmas.

[entry bell jingles]

Hey. You don’t have a Wonder Woman action figure, do you?

That’s not how it works. Come on.

Ah, damn it.

Come on.

[Jack] I’m coming.

[whooshing]

[sighing]

[♪ The Joe Gibbs Family of Artists, Beres Hammond: “Winter Wonderland”]

[whooshing]

[♪ Roland Kaiser: “Winterwunderland”]

[song continues with singing in German]

[shopper speaking German] I can’t believe they’re out of essential oils!

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey.

Dylan asked you to go to his concert tonight and you said no?

What? No, that’s not what happened.

He actually said I shouldn’t go. He said it was gonna be lame.

If he didn’t want you to go, he wouldn’t have brought it up.

An actual parent doesn’t need an invitation.

They just go, whether the kid likes it or not.

That’s what parents do.

Well, we both know that’s not my strong suit, Olivia.

Look, if he wanted me to go, he should’ve just asked me.

He’s vulnerable, Jack.

He’s a kid, and he knows you never show up.

Olivia, I’m in… I’m at work.

What am I supposed to do?

I don’t want to have to tell you what to do, Jack.

I want you to figure it out on your own, because it’s pretty easy.

The concert starts at 7:00.

Well, I’m not gonna be home by 7:00. Just tell Dylan that I…

I’m not telling him anything.

If you want to tell him something, do it yourself.

[sighs]

What?

I didn’t say anything.

[device whirring, whooshing]

[engine revving]

Dylan, right?

Yeah.

He’s a good kid.

Yeah, I know he’s a good kid.

It’s not what you think. His mother and I were never together.

I mean, I’m his father, but I’ve never been his dad.

She’s a doctor now, and she’s married to a really good guy, and he is a good dad, so the last thing the kid needs is, like, you know, some spare dad who’s a degenerate gambler hanging out with the scum of the earth, who’s got nothing to offer him, so…

Honestly, the best thing I can do for the kid is keep some distance so I don’t get in the way and he’s not disappointed all the time.

Uh-huh.

“Uh-huh,” what?

I’m just saying, if you’re trying not to disappoint him… doesn’t sound like it’s working.

[somber music playing]

[Jack] Okay. I can’t believe I’m asking this, but… what’s the deal with Santa and his brother?

They used to work together… back in the beginning.

Red gave gifts to well-behaved children, and the brother helped keep track of who they were.

Then the brother started making lists.

And Red was always uncomfortable with that.

He didn’t like the idea of a running list of misbehaved children.

But the brother became obsessed.

So you’re saying Santa’s brother started the Naughty List?

Yes.

And he started to punish the kids who were on it.

Red was furious.

So he took the list away, and the brother never forgave him.

He went out on his own, eventually hooking up with the Witch, who was also in the punishment game, working Iceland and several other Nordic territories.

They were together for years, but it ended badly.

Santa’s brother have a name, or is it just “Santa’s brother”?

His name is Krampus.

[ominous music playing]

All right, listen to me. I don’t know what’s waiting for us in here, but the brother, the Witch, they’re extremely dangerous, and not in the ways that you’re used to.

If you see them, do not engage.

So don’t pick a fight with the Witch.

Got it.

If Nick is here, he’s probably being held in the dungeon.

There’s a door around back that the guards use.

We’re gonna have to quietly sneak through the courtyard, past the guillotines, break in and head down.

The guillotines?

Also, do not touch anything under any circumstances.

There is much in here that is not of the natural world.

You’re human, therefore weak.

So, if you need to touch anything, get me to do it.

Wait a minute. Are you not human?

Do I look human?

[eerie music playing]

[metal clanking]

[beeping]

[device whirring]

[beeps]

[soft whooshing]

[soft whooshing]

[tense, eerie music playing]

[Jack] Hey. So listen, man.

I think, if you don’t need me here, I might just go back to the car.

Shh.

[sniffing]

Hellhounds.

Hellhounds?

[hissing]

Stand back.

[whooshing]

[whispering] Ellen, distract them.

[clucks]

[clucking]

[snarling viciously]

[panicked clucking]

[quiet, tense music playing]

[voices chanting] Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Ooh, ooh, cha, cha.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Ooh, ooh, cha, cha…

What’d you do?

[chanting continues]

What do you mean what did I do?

I didn’t do anything.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah. Ooh, ooh, cha, cha.

[guard] Thieves!

Holy shit.

[hisses]

Whoa, whoa.

Cal! Cal!

My name is Callum Drift, commander of the E.L.F.

We are not thieves.

[Jack] Yeah, we’re not thieves!

We’re not thieves!

Oh!

[guard 2 groans]

This was in his pocket.

All right, I can explain that.

I can explain that.

[lock clanks]

I told you not to touch anything.

It was an innocent mistake.

You tried to steal a priceless piece of gold from the Dark Lord of Winter.

Not innocent and not a mistake.

Well, who leaves their gold just lying out in an open treasure chest?

It’s a tribute box to Krampus.

Guests come, they leave him gifts. You stole from it.

I shouldn’t be surprised.

Is that ’cause I happen to be on the list?

You disappointed in me, too, Cal?

I have no expectations of you, Jack, so I can’t be disappointed.

You know, I got problems of my own.

I owe somebody a lot of money that I don’t have.

I see this giant pile of gold sitting there.

If you look at it a certain way, what choice did I even have?

You have every choice. It’s all choices.

You don’t just happen to be on the list, Jack.

You put yourself there.

You decide to steal gold.

You decide to only look out for yourself over everyone else on this Earth.

Every one of those kids who are counting on us.

Counting on me to do my job.

Nick always says that every decision, big or small, is an opportunity.

To be nice?

To be good.

Or not.

I was one day away from retirement.

Then this happens.

After 542 years.

I resigned yesterday.

You did?

Why?

I couldn’t see it anymore.

Couldn’t see what?

Doesn’t matter.

[♪ FOVOS: “Hypnos”]

[bell dinging]

[judge] The third touch.

[music ends]

[cheering]

Is that him?

[quiet chatter]

[mysterious music playing]

What are they doing?

[yells, grunts]

[laughter]

They’re playing Krampusschlap.

Krampusschlap?

It’s the official game of Krampusnacht.

[opponent whimpering]

[grunts loudly]

[crowd cheering]

Ever undefeated, Dread Lord Krampus!

[cheering continues]

[cheering dies down]

Callum Drift.

Lord Krampus.

The festivities are just beginning,

but I don’t remember inviting you.

You shouldn’t be here.

You know you shouldn’t be here,

and yet here you are.

And with a mortal.

Uh, I’m Jack O’Malley.

I didn’t… I’m not…

We didn’t even… I mean, obviously we…

I just met him today.

The big one was armed with this.

A Northern Vambrace.

Thank you.

Just what I wanted for Christmas.

Krampus, I can explain…

You’re trying to find him, and you thought he would be here.

Well, guess what, Northerner.

He’s not here. [laughs]

[others join in laughter]

Last night, he was taken from the compound by the Witch.

And I know that she was here not long ago.

Are you accusing me of something, Drift?

You and she were partners once.

Roaming the countryside, the villages.

Punishing people.

Yes.

But back then, she was glorious.

[laughter]

An ogre 18 feet high.

The skin of an elephant.

Giant pair of tails.

And yes, punishing as the cruelest winter.

We had some wonderful times together.

But I gave up that work, remember?

I spent 700 years menacing the naughty, trying to scare them into decency.

I did my part!

The only punishing I do now… is for fun.

[laughter]

Like my good friend over here…

[groans softly]

…enjoying his headache on Krampusnacht.

But today is not Krampusnacht.

In this house, Northerner, it is always Krampusnacht!

[cheering]

[crowd chanting] Ooh, ooh, ah, ah! Ooh, ah, ooh, ah!

Ah, ah, ah! Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!

[Krampus shouting]

Ooh, ah, ooh, ah! Ah, ah, ah!

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah! Ooh, ah, ooh, ah! Ah, ah, ah!

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah! Ooh, ah, ooh, ah!

Krampus!

Ah, ah, ah! Ooh…

[chanting stops]

Why was she here?

[flame whooshes]

[goblet shatters]

Many years ago, she gave me a gift.

She came because she wanted it back.

A gift? What gift?

The Glaskäfig.

On its face, a simple glass snow globe, but its true purpose is nefarious.

Tremendously punishing.

She wants to punish them all.

The Glaskäfig is solitude.

A prison for but one.

Krampus, I need to find him.

Let me go.

And why… would I do that?

Because we need him.

Now more than ever, we need him.

And you know that.

Let me go.

Northerner.

You are not going anywhere.

You, get out.

And deliver this message to that MORA scum.

There is a price for this intrusion.

Now and forever,

Drift belongs to me.

[laughter]

So I can… just walk out of here?

I suggest you run.

You’ll learn to love it here.

Take him away.

[crowd murmuring, laughing]

Wait. Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh, sorry. Wait.

Um, uh, L-Lord… uh, Mister…

Lord Krampus, um… you and I aren’t so different.

We’re pretty different, but I think we have some things in common.

Ah. Do you, now?

Yeah.

I mean, you strike me as a guy that likes to have a good time.

Bit of a gambler?

Well, so am I.

Now, when we came in here, my man told me that he thought he could beat you at your game, uh, Krampusschlap.

What?

[laughter]

Now, initially, I said, “No way.”

But the more I see him getting riled up, I’m starting to like my odds, so just hear me out.

If you win, we go to your dungeon forever.

If he wins, we walk.

Unless you don’t want to for some reason.

I mean, I get that. He’s a big guy.

No shame.

Lot of people watching.

Imbeciles.

I love it.

[crowd cheering]

Oh.

[crowd chanting] Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!

Ooh, ah, ooh, ah! Ah, ah, ah!

[chanting continues in distance]

[Ellen clucking wildly]

[hellhounds barking viciously]

[bell dinging]

[cheering]

Smack the shit out of that goat.

[cheering dies down]

The rules are as follows:

The contestants will exchange blows in turn.

The first to be knocked out or die loses.

First touch.

That’s you.

[sighs]

[quiet, tense music playing]

You know, I really wish there was another way that we could do this.

[crowd groaning]

Come on.

I’m sure you do.

He’s still your brother.

And he never gave up on you.

What would you know about it?

I know him.

Take your best “schlap.”

[tense music building]

[yells]

[crowd murmuring]

Interesting.

My turn.

[cheering]

[grunts]

I could be merciful and kill him on the first touch.

But what fun would that be, huh? [chuckles]

[laughter]

[Callum exhales sharply]

[growls]

Oh, my God.

[tense music building]

[crowd cheering, laughing]

[spectators grunting fiercely]

[groaning]

Hey, buddy. You okay?

He just slapped the shit out of me.

Yeah, that was so embarrassing.

I love this game!

I can’t… I can’t beat him. He’s a winter demigod. I…

[Jack] Just get up. Trust me.

[whimpering] I can’t…

Second touch.

Oh. Sorry.

[laughter]

[grunting, panting]

Let me make it easier for you.

[scattered laughter]

Come on.

[grunts]

Come on.

Come on.

[tense music building]

[beeping, whirring]

[metallic ringing]

[Callum grunts]

[dramatic music playing]

Cover us.

[groans]

[screams]

[yells]

[screams]

[grunting and groaning]

[yelling and screaming]

[bleats]

[electrical crackling]

[intense music playing]

[Ellen clucking]

[hellhounds barking]

[Callum] Ellen, come on!

[whooshing]

[barking]

[both panting]

[laughs]

I thought I had some shady friends.

[both laughing]

I can’t believe that worked.

Yeah, sorry about that. It’s all I could come up with.

No, it was great.

Oh.

I misjudged you.

[laughs]

Not what you’d expect from a Class Four Naughty Lister, right?

Well, it’s Level Four.

Ah.

But that’s what I’m saying.

You could’ve left, but you didn’t.

Thank you.

[sighs] All right.

Should we go find your guy?

Let’s save Christmas.

Right.

Say it.

I can’t.

Yes, you can. Say it.

I don’t want to.

Let’s save Christmas.

I’m not gonna say that.

I’m gonna need you to say, “Let’s save Christmas.”

All right. God. Okay.

[half-heartedly] Let’s save Christmas.

That was terrible.

[sighs] Okay.

All right, all right. [clears throat]

[sighs]

Let’s save Christmas.

There it is.

All right.

All right, so the, uh, snow globe, what’s the deal with that?

The “glossy pig”?

Glaskäfig. It’s German for “glass cage.”

Well, what do you think Gryla’s trying to do?

Is there…

Shh.

[Jack, echoing] …Gryla’s trying…?

[ominous music playing]

We got to go.

Mum.

Ready for another test.

Good.

The next name on the list?

No.

I have a better idea.

[tires squealing]

She said she wanted to punish them all.

It seems like the Glaskäfig was just for one person.

Is it possible she can make more of ’em with, like, witch magic or…

She would need billions of them.

She’s immensely powerful, but that’s a big lift for a conjurer.

Okay.

I mean, honestly, the only place that has that kind of manufacturing capacity…

Look out!

[tires squeal]

[♪ Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” on piano]

♪ ♪

This something that happens to you a lot?

Unexplained player piano in the middle of a German highway.

No. This is rare.

It’s for you.

Well, I’m not touching that thing.

Just get back in the truck. We’ll drive right around the haunted piano.

We have to open it.

[sighs]

This… this is how it starts.

You’re doing it.

[soft ringing]

[dissonant chord plays, music stops]

Oh, see?

[cell phone vibrating]

[sighs]

Dylan.

Did you send me this stupid present instead of coming to this thing?

Wait, what?

Because if you don’t want to come, I don’t care.

I wanted to be there. I really did.

Then something… Just stop, okay?

You don’t have to pretend because my mom is guilt-tripping you.

I’m not pretending.

I really want to find a way…

You never come to anything.

Yeah, I… I know.

I know. Whatever.

I got to go. Just don’t send me any more stupid gifts, okay?

W-Wait, wait. Dylan, what’d you mean by that?

This thing.

[ominous music playing]

Dylan, don’t touch that. Wait.

No, don’t.

Do you seriously think that there’s anything…

Dylan, listen to me. Put that down.

Because I’m here to tell you that…

[Jack] What is this?

What’s going on?

[soft, demonic growling]

What’s happening?

Put that down!

[whooshing]

Where’d he go? Where’d he go?

I don’t know.

Jack.

[soft, demonic growling]

It’s my kid.

Find me.

[whooshing]

[jarring, intense music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[indistinct voices]

[electrical crackling]

[Dylan] Dad?

Dad! What’s going on?

Dylan.

Where are we?

Oh, my God.

[heavy footsteps]

Oh, my God.

It worked.

[whimpers]

Mm. Jack O’Malley.

Level Four.

What a perfect way to start my collection.

Bring production online.

[machine whirring]

[electrical crackling]

Tonight, I will deliver one of these to every single deviant on the list.

And when they wake up and open their gift, they’ll join my collection, and the world will be in the hands of the righteous.

Finally.

Tonight, I make the ride.

Director, we have Drift.

What happened?

What do you know about the Glaskäfig?

Mythical magic snow globe used to imprison the naughty.

Krampus has it. Why?

Not anymore. The Witch has it.

And I think she’s trying to punish everyone on the list.

Wait. Slow down.

O’Malley just got globed and disappeared.

What?

His kid, too.

Oh, dear Lord.

Run O’Malley’s tag.

[tech] Yes, Director.

Zoe, I think she’s trying to mass-produce the Glaskäfig.

How could she possibly do that?

Think about it.

What’s the one place that’s capable of something like that?

The North Pole?

But Nick’s not there. The complex runs on his power.

That can’t be it.

Unless… Unless he never left.

But the snowcat, the jet. Drones, diversions.

Nick is still there.

Director, I am not picking up a signal for O’Malley’s tracker.

Because he’s under the dome.

But I’ve been talking to your team all night.

You have?

Try Partridge.

Connect to Partridge.

Yes, Director.

Hi. Cal.

Hey. How you holding up, MC?

Well, I can’t sleep.

I’m just keeping myself busy baking cookies for him.

For when he comes home.

Well, he’s gonna love that.

What do you got baking?

Just pulled out a fresh batch of macaroons.

He’ll love that.

Hang in. I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks.

That’s not her.

What do you mean?

Nick hates macaroons.

They’re shape-shifters.

The Witch, the Lads.

They’re all shape-shifters.

The North Pole has been taken.

[elevator bell dings]

[dramatic music playing]

They’re onto us.

Where are we?

What’s happening?

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, listen.

[sighs] Now, I know what this is gonna sound like.

[sighs] Basically…

Santa is missing, and that giant lady is a witch, and she got the snow globes from a giant demonic Christmas…

goat man.

And now they’re gonna make millions of them with that magical photocopier thing.

Look, I don’t have all the technical details, but basically, these globes are meant to imprison the naughty people forever.

Forever?

Not forever. I didn’t… Scratch that last part.

[mysterious music playing]

[Zoe] Remember, can’t trust anyone.

[device beeping]

[wind whistling]

I’ve got a signal.

O’Malley is here somewhere.

We’re close.

[Fred] Hey, chief.

Fred?

I’ll let the team know that you’re back.

How about you don’t?

[Zoe] Shape-shifters.

Good tidings.

[device continues beeping]

[Zoe] It says he should be right here.

The old tunnel system.

Runs right beneath the original workshop.

Let’s go.

[shuddering breaths]

Is this happening because I was ditching?

What?

Is it because I slashed Kevin’s tires?

No, no, no, no, no, no, Dylan.

You said it was for naughty people, didn’t you?

Well, she said that, but…

What did I do?

Dylan.

Look at me.

You may have done some things that you shouldn’t have.

Everybody does. Everybody. There is nothing wrong with you.

You’re only in here be…

because of me.

What did you do?

Mm. Lot of stuff.

It’s… long list.

But bigger than any of that, it’s what I didn’t do.

What are you talking about?

I’ve been a terrible father.

That’s not true.

Yes, it is. It is.

I haven’t been around.

I told myself I was doing you a favor, which is bullshit.

It was bad for you, and it was terrible for me.

I’ve made some mistakes, pal. I know that.

But I also know that I can do better.

And I know that’s easier said than done.

I know it’s a lot of work, and I hope it’s not too late.

Every day, every decision is an opportunity.

And I want to start taking some of those.

So I’m not asking you to believe me.

I’m just asking for you to… give me a chance.

I know I may never be the greatest father in the world, but I know I can do better, and I’m telling you right now that I promise

I will never stop trying.

[gentle, sentimental music playing]

[glass crackling]

[sentimental music swells]

[both breathing heavily]

[sighs heavily]

[sighs]

What just happened?

I think I just got a little bit nicer.

Can we get out of here?

Yeah.

First, we got to find somebody. Come on.

[intriguing music playing]

[both grunt]

Ow.

[sighs] Cal.

If you could make any toy in the world real right now, what would it be?

Wonder Woman.

It’s him.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

It’s good to see you.

[Dylan] Dad?

[Jack] Buddy, come here.

I want you to meet some friends.

Cal, Zoe, this is my son Dylan.

The one and only Dylan.

Your dad’s told me so much about you.

Welcome to the North Pole.

Huh?

I can’t believe she got the old Quatuplicator back online again.

This thing has been out of commission since the late 1800s.

This thing was cranking out snow globes like rat turds, and it just stopped like somebody pulled the plug.

Cal, we saw her.

She said she was gonna do the ride herself.

What?

Deliver one of these snow globes

to everybody on the list.

That’s impossible. The sleigh won’t lift off.

Without him.

We can’t let that sleigh take off.

There’s a subterranean access point to the hangar.

[faint shouting]

[muffled banging]

[Dylan] Wait.

[shouting and banging continue]

[growls]

Chief.

Garcia.

[Mrs. Claus] Cal.

Ma’am.

Where is he?

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[reindeer grunting, squealing]

[groaning]

Gryla, stop!

[Gryla] I was just leaving.

[yelling]

[Garcia growls]

Go. Take him.

Come with me, Dylan. Got him.

[distressed squealing]

[grunting and groaning]

[weapons whooshing]

[distressed squealing]

[whirring]

[Gryla] Come on!

Go!

[reindeer squealing]

[grunting and groaning]

[Garcia growling]

[screaming]

[roaring]

[both panting]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[Gryla shouts]

[grunting]

[grunting and groaning]

[Jack and Callum straining]

[Jack screaming]

[grunts]

[grunting, gasping]

[grunting]

[Gryla] Hyah!

[grunting]

[metal clanging]

[dramatic choral music playing]

[grunting]

[chains whipping]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[Gryla grunting]

[screaming]

[quiet, mysterious music playing]

[Callum panting]

[gentle music playing]

[grunts]

Nick.

Come on, Red. I got you.

[groaning]

[panting]

Red?

Come back to me. Come back to me, boss.

Wake up.

Nick? Nick!

It’s Cal.

[rumbling]

[metallic creaking]

[heavy thudding]

[tense music playing]

Cal!

[dramatic music playing]

Holy shit.

Jack.

Run.

No way, man.

For a guy like me, there’s worse ways to go out than by trying to save Santa Claus.

[Callum] Gryla!

It’s time for you to go.

[raspy] Oh, I’ll go, but I’m taking him with me.

You’re not taking him anywhere.

[Gryla] His power has been wasted for far too long.

The punishing begins tonight.

You’re gonna have to go through me first.

With pleasure.

[groans]

[voices chanting] Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Ooh, ooh, cha, cha.

[yells]

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Ooh, ooh, cha, cha.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah. Ooh, ooh, cha, cha.

[triumphant music playing]

[grunting angrily]

You imbeciles have no idea how to talk to a woman like this.

A real woman.

She’s my ex.

Hello.

My love.

Get out of here, Krampus.

I can’t do that.

And lovely as it is to see your miserable face, my brother has somewhere to be.

[groans]

[grunting]

[screams]

[groaning] Just like old times.

[intense music playing]

[squeals]

[grunts]

[groans]

[grunts fiercely]

[gasps]

[yells]

[grunts]

[groans]

[groaning, panting]

[wind whistling]

[low growling]

[grunts]

[hopeful music playing]

Haven’t you had enough?

If you want to take him,

you’re gonna have to kill me.

[Gryla] Gladly.

[groaning]

Your sacrifice will mean nothing.

[groaning]

[Nick] Gryla!

Enough!

[panting]

Any last words for your most faithful warrior?

Only one.

Kavalame!

[both gasp]

[dramatic music playing]

Merry Christmas, Witch.

[gasps]

[soft ringing]

[bellowing]

[gasps]

[groaning]

No!

[pained yelling]

[screams]

[frustrated grunting]

No.

[Gryla grunts angrily]

[sighs]

No!

Well, look at you.

Oh, shut up!

[quiet, gentle music playing]

[Callum] Nick.

You okay?

Yeah.

[panting]

What took you so long?

[chuckling]

[sighs]

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

Let’s not get mushy.

Thank you, brother.

[grunts softly]

Merry Christmas…

brother.

You want to maybe stick around a while?

[grunts softly]

Don’t push it.

Get to work.

And you…

I want a rematch.

[whistles]

[majestic music playing]

[whooshing]

Happy Krampusnacht!

[chuckles]

[grunts, laughs]

[engine whooshing]

Oh, my God.

Honey, where are you?

[Dylan over phone] Mom, you’re not gonna believe this.

[busy chatter]

[flight director over P.A.] T plus six minutes.

[Mrs. Claus] Sky Train, this is Partridge.

Back in the chair and back on track.

[officer over comms] Good to have you back, ma’am.

[busy chatter continues]

[Mrs. Claus] We are currently six minutes behind schedule, so we’re gonna run this preflight like our hair’s on fire.

[busy chatter continues]

[majestic music playing]

[sighs]

Dylan.

Jack.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for your help today.

He helped, too.

I know.

[flight director over P.A.] All systems are go. Thirty seconds to launch.

Hey, Drift.

Have a great ride.

Merry Christmas, Director.

Dylan. Jack.

You guys coming?

[Jack] What?

[Dylan] Really?

Come on, let’s go. We got to roll.

Red One, you are clear for takeoff.

[upbeat, triumphant music playing]

[wind whistling]

[intense, fast-tempo music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[tools whirring]

[speaks foreign language]

Copy that.

We’re coming at you.

[majestic music playing]

♪ ♪

[whooshing]

[carrots crunching]

[children giggling excitedly]

[gasps] Yes! Yes!

[triumphant music playing]

He really does it, doesn’t he?

Goes everywhere in the entire world in one night.

He’s a lot cooler than I thought he was.

And a lot more athletic.

Yeah.

Guy’s a beast.

The guy is a beast.

[Jack and Dylan chattering indistinctly]

[laughing]

[faint, indistinct chatter]

[gentle, sentimental music playing]

[voices muted]

[music building dramatically]

♪ ♪

[voice muted]

You’re seeing it, aren’t you?

Yeah, I knew you’d get it back.

I lost it there for a while, Nick.

It’s easy to lose it, Cal.

Important thing is to keep trying.

Nick.

I’d like to stay on.

If you’ll have me.

You got it, Commander.

Did we just save Christmas?

I think we just saved Christmas.

[♪ Mariah Carey: “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town”]

♪ Hey, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You better watch out, you better not cry ♪

♪ Better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

[Nick] Kavalame!

[explosive whooshing]

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town, yeah ♪

♪ He’s makin’ a list, he’s checkin’ it twice ♪

♪ He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town, Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town, yeah ♪

♪ He sees you when you’re sleeping ♪

♪ He knows when you’re awake ♪

♪ He knows if you’ve been bad or good ♪

♪ So be good, for goodness’ sake ♪

♪ Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry ♪

♪ Better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus is comin’ ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ To town ♪

♪ Is comin’ to town ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

[cheering and applause]

♪ Whoa ♪

[Mariah Carey chuckles]

[excited chatter and applause]

[song ends]

[triumphant music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[lighthearted music playing]

[gentle, sentimental music playing]

♪ ♪

[dramatic choral music playing]

♪ ♪

[rousing, fast-tempo music playing]

[tense, dramatic music playing]

[majestic music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[music ends]