The Naked Gun (2025)
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Parody, Action
Director: Akiva Schaffer
Writers: Dan Gregor, Doug Mand, Akiva Schaffer
Stars: Liam Neeson, Pamela Anderson, Paul Walter Hauser
Plot: When the world is in peril, only one man with a very particular set of skills can rise to the occasion. Now heading the bumbling Police Squad, he must navigate absurd crimes, outrageous conspiracies, and slapstick chaos to save the day in this reboot of the classic spoof series.
* * *
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE YELLING, SCREAMING)
(PANICKED GASPS)
(TELLER SCREAMS)
(RAPID GUNFIRE)
(GUNSHOTS)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(ROBBERS CHATTERING)
(DEVICE BEEPING)
(BEEPING SPEEDS UP)
(BANG)
OFFICER 1: Go, go, go, go!
OFFICER 2: Move it, move it!
Let’s go, let’s go!
OFFICER 3: Come on!
CAPTAIN: It’s a powder keg in there.
No one moves till we get word from the mayor.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GIRL HUMMING)
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
(WHISPERING) Shoot! Hey.
Hey.
Hey. Little girl.
Stop.
Stop!
ROBBER: Stay down!
(OVERLAPPING YELLING)
(YELLING DIES DOWN)
What do you want, little one?
Your ass.
(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)
(METALLIC SCRAPE)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS, GAGS)
(GRUNTING)
(ROBBER YELPS)
(MUNCHING)
(GRUNTS)
(ROBBER YELLS)
(BOWLING PINS CLATTER)
Boo!
(YELPS)
(GASPS)
(GUNSHOT)
(GROANS)
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(ELECTRIC VEHICLE HUMS)
Well done.
(ROBBER YELLS)
(GRUNTS)
(ROBBER CHOKING)
(GRUNTS) Who… who are you?
Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
The new version.
(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNSHOTS)
(SHELL CASINGS CLATTER)
MAN: Shoot. Um…
(GUNSHOTS)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special division of the LAPD.
The day after the bank robbery started like any other.
I woke up in my empty cop apartment, stared at a picture of my deceased cop wife and choked back cop tears.
A perfect morning? Sure.
But I had no idea what this city had in store for me.
(CYCLIST GRUNTS) (BELL RINGING)
CYCLIST: What the hell?
MAN: Hey!
MAN 2: There he is.
WOMAN: Way to go, Frank!
(APPLAUSE)
(WHISTLES)
Thank you. Thanks, everyone.
What is this?
Don’t cheer for him!
You two, my office now!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(TELEPHONES RINGING)
CHIEF DAVIS: Thanks to you, I just spent two hours getting chewed out by the mayor.
Apparently, some of the bank robbers you put in the ICU, they’re lawyering up to sue the city.
That’s ridiculous. They’re criminals.
It’s the law.
Since when do cops have to follow the law?
Since forever.
FRANK: Oh, yeah?
And who’s going to arrest me? Other cops?
Yes.
Is she serious?
Is he serious?
He’s… no.
Look, let me be crystal clear.
They are threatening to shut down Police Squad because of you.
Honestly, you’re lucky you still work here after last year’s McDonald’s incident.
They wouldn’t sell me Freedom Fries.
You arrested the entire staff!
FRANK: I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I was furious about the Janet Jackson Super Bowl.
That was 20 years ago!
Not to me.
We understand, Chief. You’re right.
CHIEF DAVIS: Good.
‘Cause I’m taking you off the bank job.
What?
I’m putting you on collisions.
There’s a crash up in Malibu.
Yes, ma’am. Thank you.
And make sure your bodycams are actually turned on!
Got it. Camera will be on.
(COFFEE SPLATS) CHIEF DAVIS: Drebin!
It’s a new day at Police Squad!
(GROANS) Things are changing so fast around here.
I guess you really can’t fight City Hall, huh?
No. It’s a building.
ED: Now, there’s a real man.
They just don’t make ’em like your pops anymore.
FRANK: I’m glad he’s not around to see what Police Squad has come to.
Mind if I take a minute, Ed?
Of… of course.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) Hi, Daddy. It’s me, Frank Jr.
I want to be just like you, but… at the same time, be completely different and original.
So, if you’re proud of me, give me a sign, like… maybe make me see an owl or something.
ED: Hey, Dad.
It’s me, Ed.
Boy, do I miss you.
(OFFICERS WEEPING)
COP: Hey, Pops.
(MUSIC STOPS) Mmmm.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: Ed and I pulled up to the Malibu car crash around 2:00 p.m.
Nothing unusual.
But in this city, usual is unusual… usually.
What the hell?
(MUFFLED RADIO CHATTER) So how was your date last night, Frank?
Ah, I couldn’t go through with it.
ED: You canceled?
Nope.
I didn’t want to upset her, so I had Officer Barnes tell her I was stabbed to death.
You’re a real romantic, Frank.
But everyone needs someone, even a widower like you.
I’m just not ready to open myself to love again.
I had them wait to clear the wreck so you could get eyes on it.
Crash happened around 4:00 a.m.
Well, there are no skid marks on the road.
He didn’t hit the brakes before going over.
Drunk?
A little. Just enough to wake me up.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) Fancy car.
ED: Yeah, it’s one of those new EdenTech electric ones.
FRANK: Electric, huh?
I remember when the only things that were electric were eels, chairs, and Catherine ZetaJones in Chicago.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: Empty pill bottles.
(SNIFFLES) Huh.
Who was he?
Simon Davenport, 53 years old.
No wife, no kids.
He’s got a sister out in Hancock Park, but we don’t really know anything about her other than her name.
Beth Davenport.
Divorced, 5’6″, 130 pounds.
Spitfire of a personality. Selfproclaimed chocoholic.
Likes outdoorsy things but is just as happy curling up with a good book.
All right. I’ve seen enough.
Mark it as suicide.
Go ahead!
WORKER: Bring in the crane!
(JUBILANT ARCADE MUSIC PLAYS)
(THUDS)
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Oh, my God, it’s up!
MAN: Wait, I got to see what I got!
Yes, I got it!
MAN 2: Come on, man!
MAN 3: She can’t even sing!
(CUPS CLATTERING, SPLASHING)
Lieutenant?
What’s up, Barnes?
Look, I know you’re off the bank job, sir, but I could really use your advice.
Go for it.
Look, it’s the strangest thing.
All the thieves had never met each other and none of them knew who they were working for.
Brilliant!
(CHILDREN SOBBING)
If they don’t know anything, they can’t squeal.
Whoever orchestrated this is very smart.
And get this.
The robbers were told that they could keep the cash.
Who organizes a bank robbery and doesn’t keep the cash?
They must have been after something else.
Why don’t you bring in one of the perps?
See if we can get them talking.
Got it. Thank you.
Heads up, Frank. You got a visitor.
I told her to wait outside, but she just walked in.
You want me to get rid of her?
(SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) No.
That’s okay, I’ll deal with it.
(JAZZ MUSIC STOPS) Oh.
WOMAN: Over here, Lieutenant.
(JAZZ MUSIC RESUMES)
FRANK: I’d sworn off love after my wife died, but this woman was put together in all the right ways.
Face, head, shoulders, knees and toes.
Knees and toes… and a bottom that would make any toilet beg for the brown.
Sorry to keep you waiting, ma’am.
How may I help you?
You’re wrong about Simon Davenport.
He wouldn’t commit suicide.
Simon Davenport.
The stiff from the Malibu crash.
That stiff was my brother.
Oh, I mean… he wasn’t that stiff, really.
Not yet.
More floppy and bloated.
No, I mean, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Please, take a chair.
No, thank you.
I have plenty of chairs at home.
Now, Mrs…
Davenport.
Miss Beth Davenport.
Mr.?
Drebin.
Miss…
Detective Frank Drebin.
Detective, I think someone murdered Simon.
Really? What makes you think that?
Well, he called me last night.
He said he was in some kind of trouble.
So we made plans to meet this morning.
Does that sound like someone who’s planning to kill themselves?
No, it certainly does not.
(CRYING) Why would someone do that to him?
(CRYING) Trust me, there’s always a reason to kill someone.
Did he have an obnoxious laugh?
(SOBS) No.
Forgive me, I’m just not myself.
That’s okay. I’m not you, either.
(LOUD SPLAT) Tell me, what did your brother do for work?
Computers.
He was a programmer for Richard Cane.
The genius who’s gonna save the world with his electric cars.
Well, he’s the first person you should talk to.
Then you could check Simon’s driving records and see if they match.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down there.
Excuse me?
Let’s just leave the police work to me, okay?
Oh. I see.
Same old story with guys like you.
Guys like me?
Stubborn old men who think they know what’s best.
I understand you’re upset, but this is what I do.
If someone did off your brother, I’ll find him.
I appreciate that, Detective. But Simon was all I had.
So you’ll forgive me if I don’t just sit around and hope you do your job.
That’s exactly what I expect you to do.
When I have something, I’ll contact you.
I’m doing a series of book readings this week.
You can find me there.
FRANK: Book readings?
BETH: Yes. I write truecrime novels based on fictional stories that I make up.
Yes, well, you may write about it, but I live it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’re having a birthday party and I’m the best singer in the office.
On second thought, I will take that chair.
(CHAIR CLANGING) Whoa.
FRANK: I couldn’t remember the last time someone had talked to me like that.
It was the kind of dressing down you usually have to pay for in the basement of a laundromat. But she…
ED: She had the kind of hips you wanted to put a hula hoop on and spin.
The kind that made you…
(MUSINGS OVERLAPPING) Fellas, do you mind?
(FLUSTERED MUMBLING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: I wasn’t convinced Simon Davenport had been murdered.
But the case was starting to give me an itch.
And when I start to scratch, I don’t stop till I break skin and the doctor makes me wear mittens.
Thanks.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) (PARTYGOERS CHATTERING) Coat check?
Champagne?
(WAITER GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(SLURPS, GAGS)
(COINS JANGLE)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: Richard Cane had made his first fortune in microprocessors, and then used it to build a vast online retail marketplace and green technology empire.
(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER)
Then, suddenly, the bear charges towards me.
I ready my knife, and he barrels right past me to a honey hive above the campsite!
It had been there all along!
And I hadn’t seen it.
(GUFFAWS)
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Ah. You’ve arrived.
Lieutenant Drebin.
Me, too!
I’m Richar…
(CLEARS THROAT) Richard Cane.
Please, walk with me.
So, what can you tell me about Mr. Davenport?
Simon was a brilliant engineer, and one of our best.
I had no idea he was so terribly depressed.
(GUESTS GASPING)
Suicide is a dreadful thing.
Possible suicide.
You suspect something foul?
No. A chicken probably couldn’t do this.
But I’m not ruling anything out.
I see.
Was this one of the projects Simon was working on?
No, what you see here is a red light therapy machine proven to increase testosterone.
Did you know that men’s sperm count is at historic lows across the board?
Fascinating.
I’ve never put my sperm across a board.
I have an old Bon Jovi Tshirt for that.
(SIZZLING) You know, I hope you don’t think it’s awkward my saying this, but I’m actually a big fan of yours.
Is that so?
Yes.
I read about your work at the bank robbery.
Guys like you are a dying breed.
Guys like me?
Yes, men of action who don’t ask permission to fix what they know is broken.
I’m surprised to hear you say that, coming from someone who’s so into these gadgets.
Oh. You don’t enjoy the marvels of the modern age?
No offense, but the world was better before.
I agree, but don’t tell anyone.
Uh, cigar?
Looks it to me.
No, would you like one?
Smoking indoors?
Care to write me a ticket?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) That matchbook.
I’ve seen it before.
It’s the Bengal.
It’s a supper club I own for some of the city’s elite.
It’s the kind of place where men can be themselves, have a few drinks and, uh, like the Black Eyed Peas once said, “get retarded in here.”
You can still say that word?
In my club, you can.
Well, I love the Black Eyed Peas.
Who doesn’t?
I know a few people.
They’re fools.
I know.
will.i.am.
apl.de.ap.
Taboo.
Don’t forget Fergie.
I would never forget Fergie.
BOTH: The Dutchess.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Well, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call.
Thank you. I’ll be in touch.
Uh, it’s that way.
Of course.
Huh.
(SHARP INHALE) Why don’t we get Mr. Drebin a little gift for tomorrow?
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
The EdenVox1.
Police Squad’s first ever fully automated, selfdriving electric vehicle.
A gift we just received from Richard Cane.
You must’ve made some kind of impression last night, Frank.
Yeah, it would seem so.
Coffee?
Yes, thank you.
(COFFEE SPLATTERS)
TECH: Don’t be shy, fellas. Come check it out.
(WELCOMING CHIME)
(FRANK GRUNTS) Snug.
(CHUCKLES)
TECH: All electric.
Zero to sixty in 3.1 seconds.
I guess that’s good.
TECH: Watch this.
Car, open doors.
(GRUNTS) Neat trick.
(CHUCKLES) Now you try.
(CAR DOOR PINGING) Car…
please, close doors.
(GENTLE CHIME)
(ED GROANING)
(FINGERS CRUNCH)
(STRAINED SCREAM) Hey!
Pretty fun, I guess.
Okay, how about this? Car… drive forward 30 feet.
(FRANK CHUCKLES)
(CLATTERING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Pretty smooth.
All right.
(CLANKING) (ALARM BLARING) Impressive.
ED: Hey! Guys?
COP: Freeze!
Don’t
(OFFICERS YELLING)
(GUNSHOTS)
I tell you, this place is falling apart.
I got half a dozen witnesses that place you on the scene.
We know you were at the bank!
I’m telling you, I wasn’t there.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
Thanks, Park.
This is quite the rap sheet you’ve got here.
It says you served 20 years for “man’s laughter.”
Must have been quite the joke.
You mean “manslaughter”?
(OVER SPEAKERS) Well… we know your boss didn’t want cash.
So what was the point of the robbery? What did he want?
I… wasn’t… there.
You think you’re so smart.
Well, I think my bodycam might tell a different story.
Ed?
Technology really is something.
Police Squad is all about “transparency” these days.
(SCATTING ABSENTMINDEDLY)
Dispatch, this is Drebin. 107.
Oh, yeah!
A chili dog.
(GROANS) Mmhmm!
Breakfast of champions.
FRANK: And a little black coffee.
Okay, you can fastforward a bit.
(FASTFORWARDING)
FRANK: License and registration, please.
MAN: Uh… (CLEARS THROAT) Uh… (CHUCKLES) This isn’t mine.
(WET FLATULENCE)
FRANK: Excuse me.
(FARTING CONTINUES)
FRANK: Oh, boy. Listen, uh, you seem like a decent fella.
I’m gonna let you off with a warning. Have a great day, bye.
It’s much later in the day. Fastforward a while.
(FASTFORWARDING) You’ll see. Just wait.
(STRAINED SIGH) I need a bathroom. Oh, God.
Come on, move, move, move!
Focus, Frank, focus.
You got this, you got this.
(FRANK CRIES OUT, MOANS ON MONITOR)
(GRUNTS) Maybe a little more.
I’m gonna ruin another suit!
Barnes!
(PANICKED GROANING)
BARNES: Sorry.
(FOOTAGE FASTFORWARDING)
FRANK: Police business!
Uh, there is a line, man!
(SCREAMS)
(CUSTOMERS SCREAMING)
FRANK: Come on!
(FOOTAGE FASTFORWARDING)
You’re disgusting, you stupid idiot.
Breastfed until you were 13, you freak.
(FOOTAGE FASTFORWARDING) Can’t get it up without the stench of milk on your chin.
(VOICE TREMBLING) Don’t you dare.
Don’t do it. Don’t eat it!
SUSPECT: Oh, God!
Frank.
I had five more that day.
Feel better, Frank? You better believe it.
Mm!
(FOOTAGE FASTFORWARDING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes!
That’s you inside the bank, plain as day.
Okay, fine.
Whoever we was working for, they was crazy.
I mean, they just wanted us to get some safe deposit box.
Safe deposit box.
(FRANK GRUNTS) There. Box 595.
Ed, check the list.
ED: Yep.
You’re not gonna believe this one, Frank.
Simon Davenport.
FRANK: So you’re saying, these two cases… are one case.
Gentlemen, when you joined me to launch EdenTech, it was with one goal.
To save the world.
Together, we’ve created technologies to rival the Gods.
Has the world gotten any better?
No. It’s only gotten worse.
Now, when the Founding Fathers created this country, they sat in a room like this, filled with men like us, and birthed an empire.
The USA.
Yes, that’s right.
But as years went by, other people wanted to get into that room.
Fish people.
What?
MAN: Fish people.
Gills on their necks.
I don’t Like mermen and merwomen.
Mermaids.
Right.
CANE: No, stop. Not fish people.
Ungrateful people.
People that did not earn their seat at the table.
People not built like the men in this room.
Crab hands.
They had crab hands instead of fingers.
Stop! I know what I mean. So just let me do the talking.
This is a crabhand person.
I’ve met him.
Put the phone away!
(CANE CLEARS THROAT) Now, it is time for us to admit that the path we are on is not working.
The system’s broken.
And what does one do when a system is malfunctioning?
You unplug it.
And then, you plug it in again.
I call it the Primordial Law of Toughness Device.
Now let me show you what it’s capable of.
Last year, we set up cameras at the local community center.
Decided to run a little experiment.
The question.
What would happen to modern humans if you reverted their psyche to an original state of nature?
(BEEPING, PULSE EMANATES)
(CACOPHONOUS YELLING)
When activated, the device sends an audio frequency that reduces the brain to its animalistic core.
(YELLING) In this case, the frequency was limited.
But next time, it will spread through every smart device until the entire world is infected.
As for us, upon detonation, we will decamp to one of my super bunkers around the world where there will be food and water, and the best live entertainment the world has to offer.
What’s up, evil billionaires?
I am so excited to be doing live shows for as long as it takes, in the Doomsday Giggle Bunkeroom located in Block 4 of the Arizona District.
See you there!
Amish Paradise.
Hmm.
And when the embers have died down, any survivors left will have earned their place alongside us, and we will return to a world that is but a blank slate upon which we can rebuild as the founding fathers of a new Eden.
Gentlemen, lady, this New Year’s Eve, I give you…
Project Inferno!
(CRACKLING EXPLOSION)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: It turned out that Cane’s nightclub was only half a mile from where Simon Davenport crashed.
And that got me thinking.
Maybe he had been there the night he died.
So I hopped into my new electric cruiser…
(SNORING) …and told it to head to Malibu.
CONSOLE: Warning. Please take the wheel.
Warning. Please take the wheel.
(WORKER YELLING)
CONSOLE: Warning. Please take the wheel.
Collision detected. Please take the wheel.
(GRUNTS) Get out of the road! Move!
(WOMAN SCREAMING) What’s wrong with you people?
CONSOLE: Collision detected.
What is this city coming to?
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(PATRONS SOFTLY CHATTER)
What can I get you?
I was wondering if you could help me.
I’m looking for a friend who may have been here before.
Nah, I haven’t seen him.
You hardly looked at it.
I saw enough.
(GLASS SQUEAKING) You don’t remember me, do you?
Should I?
My brother, you shot him “in the name of justice.”
That can literally be thousands of people.
Shot him in the back as he ran away.
Hundreds.
Unarmed.
At least 50.
He was white.
(RAPS COUNTER) So you’re Tony Roiland’s brother!
That’s right.
How is old Tony?
Are you serious?
Bad.
Right.
So, your friend, maybe I have seen him.
Maybe I haven’t.
(WHISPERING) I can’t remember.
You can’t remember, huh?
Nah.
Well, maybe this’ll jog your memory.
(THUDS)
BARKEEP: Oh!
Ah!
Oof!
Gah!
(BARKEEP GRUNTS) That’s better. Remember now?
Yeah, I remember.
He sat in a corner booth. He had a drink.
But that’s all I know.
Where do they keep surveillance footage?
(GROANS) In the back.
But even I’m not allowed in there.
(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
(GLISSANDO)
FRANK: And there she was again.
I had to admit, she was beautiful.
She had a body that carried her head around, and a butt that seemed to say, “Hello, I’m a talking butt.”
Elegant? Yeah, I’d say so.
(THUDS) Oh!
FRANK: But like a teenager with three babysitting jobs, I didn’t need another babysitting job.
Hello, Lieutenant.
What the hell are you doing here?
I’m doing the same thing you are.
I told you I wasn’t gonna sit around and wait.
Listen, this isn’t one of your stories.
Average civilian women don’t suddenly solve crimes.
Oh, you read my book.
What’d you think?
I think it’s a fantasy.
A woman puts on a wig and sunglasses and suddenly she’s an assassin?
But did you enjoy it?
It had some good parts.
CANE: Ah!
Lieutenant Drebin.
Does he know you’re Simon’s sister?
No.
Good. Let’s keep it that way.
What a wonderful surprise.
Fine, thank you.
Beautiful place you’ve got here.
Can’t smell the dead animals at all.
Thank you.
Uh, can I get you a drink?
Just water. And sparkling.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(CRACKLING)
And who is this stunning creature?
I don’t believe we’ve met.
Well, I’m Uh, th… this is Miss…
Cherry…
Roosevelt…
Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.
What an interesting name.
Yes. (NERVOUS GIGGLE) Thank you.
So, Lieutenant, what brings you here?
I was hoping you could let me take a look at your security footage.
Oh. May I ask why?
Go right ahead.
Uh…
Unfortunately, I can’t show you security footage.
Our members trust that we will provide them with the highest level of privacy.
I hope you understand.
I’m starting to.
Well, thank you so much for the drink.
It’s getting late. We really must be going.
So soon?
I hope you’re not leaving, too, Miss Spaghetti.
Oh, well, I Yes, she’s leaving, too.
Early morning at Disneyland tomorrow.
She’s one of those Disney adults.
Obsessed, really. Her bed is covered in dolls.
(FORCED CHUCKLE) Oh, Miss Spaghetti, please stay for a drink.
Uh, you don’t mind, do you, Drebin?
Be my guest.
Wonderful. I’ll get a table.
(CANE CHUCKLES) You get the footage, I’ll keep him occupied.
I’m… Absolutely not!
Oh, thank you.
Wow. This place is amazing.
CANE: Ah. Thank you.
Miss Spaghetti, may I speak freely?
I’d prefer English.
You’re much too sophisticated…
(GUARD GRUNTS) …for the likes of Frank Drebin.
Oh. I’m not with Drebin.
Oh. Well, that’s wonderful news!
(GUARD GRUNTING)
(CANE CHUCKLES)
GUARD: Oof!
(PAINED GROAN) Cheers.
From Bill Cosby’s private estate.
BETH: Mm. (SPITS DRINK)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
(TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(TENSE MUSIC RESUMES)
(DUCK QUACKS, WINGS FLAPPING)
(TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(TENSE MUSIC RESUMES)
Gah! Oof!
(TENSE MUSIC STOPS)
(FRANK GRUNTING)
(THUDS)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(PAINED GROANS)
(FRANK GRUNTS) That hurt!
(CELLPHONE RINGS)
FRANK: (WHISPERING) Shoot!
(CELLPHONE BEEPS) Mom, Mom, now is not a good time.
Mom, please, I’ll call you back.
I got to go. I got to go. I got to go now.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
BETH: So, tell me, what have you been working on lately?
Oh, let’s not talk about work. Let’s talk about play.
(CANE CHUCKLES)
(INAUDIBLE)
Uh, do you like jazz, Miss Spaghetti?
Like it?
Hm.
I love it.
I love it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Sir. Um…
(WHISPERING) We’ve got a problem.
CANE: Not now.
GUSTAFSON: No, it’s quite…
Not now.
Yes, sir.
(MIC FEEDBACK WHINES) This one’s for my electric new friend, Richard Cane.
(CHUCKLING) Wow!
Sassafras Chicken in D.
Make it extra lumpy, boys.
(SCATTING)
FRANK: I’ve always said fighting is a lot like jazz music.
A scatlike improv where one lets imagination take control of their body.
(CRIES OUT)
(PANTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Huh?
(PAINED GROAN)
(SCATTING RAPIDLY)
(SLOWING, SOBS) Oh…
(SHARP INHALE)
I’m fine.
(CHUCKLES)
(YIPS AND HOWLS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING) (DING)
(GRUNTING)
(DING)
(GRUNTING)
(DING)
(HONKS)
(BETH SCATTING)
(SCATTING CONTINUES)
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
(BETH SCATTING OVER MONITOR)
(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)
There’s two things I love. My stayathome girlfriend and Gorilla Nut…
Come on.
…enhanced drink supplement for men.
Don’t follow fad diets and fake workouts.
(SIGHS) You want to get ripped?
All you need is Muscle Slime. Rub it on and Well, look at that.
And who are you, my secret eavesdropping friend?
Douglas O’Reilly, investigative journalist, L.A. Chronicle.
(MONITOR BEEPS) (MEN SHOUTING ON MONITOR) Shoot.
(BEEPING) (HOWLING AND YIPPING SHRILLY) (ALARM SOUNDS) (INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER) (CANE CLEARS THROAT) It seems Mr. Drebin might be more of a problem than we thought.
I want you to keep an eye on him.
And make sure he doesn’t cause any more distractions.
Yes, sir.
(NOTIFICATION BUZZES) Davis. This better be good.
He did what?
Get me Drebin this instant!
Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but you have to listen to me.
There’s something deeper going on here.
(SHUSHES) (WHISPERING) You wake up my husband, I swear to God…
(WHISPERING) I’m sorry.
What the hell were you thinking, Drebin?
Richard Cane is a very powerful man.
And he makes a lot of hefty donations to this city, including the new car you’re driving.
Richard Cane is dirty.
He’s involved with the Simon Davenport murder.
And by the way, the bank job, too!
You’re still working the bank job?
That’s it. You’re suspended!
(LOUDLY) Suspended?
(SHUSHES) What did I say about waking Ronald?
He has a Fitzgerald presentation tomorrow.
(SNORING) And if Morimoto doesn’t accept his verticalintegration pitch, Bill Cantor will leapfrog him for the third year in a row.
But Ronald trained Bill.
Exactly!
I’ve got no choice.
I’m putting you on ice. Two weeks.
Effective immediately.
Now get out.
(SIGHS) (WHISPERING) We’re all rooting for you, Ronald.
Give ’em hell tomorrow.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
BETH: Rough night?
(GASPS) Oh. It’s you.
Now tell me. What’d you see on the security footage?
Listen. I feel for you. I really do.
But I had to beat up a lot of henchmen tonight.
Men with daughters!
Oh, come on. You wouldn’t even have seen it if I didn’t help you.
Help me? That’s rich.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m tired, I’m hungry.
Goodnight, Miss Davenport.
What if we had a little dinner, together?
I sure could go for a… bite.
Slow down, chef. This turkey burns at 450.
How hot was I cooking?
About a thousand.
Turkey needs slow and low.
Unless you like your center pink.
Oh, I love my centers pink.
You’re not worried the rare meat will ruin a good stuffing?
As long as you don’t mind if I get salmonella.
Mind it? I prefer it.
I like a sick little boy.
You’re not gonna stop hounding me, are you?
Not for a second.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (DISTANT DOG BARKS) Thank you.
(VELCRO RIPS) (PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) Uh… excuse the mess.
I, uh…
haven’t had the heart to clean…
(CLATTERING) …since my wife died.
My condolences. How did she pass?
Great. Fifty yards easy.
Arm like a cannon.
And then she died.
So we’ll never know if she could’ve gone pro.
She was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known.
She sounds like a saint.
Or maybe a Bronco or a 49er.
We would’ve been happy with any team, really.
Anyone but the Browns.
That’s quite a view you have.
You know, I’ve been drawn to the hills ever since I moved here for college.
UCLA?
I see it every day. I live here.
FRANK: I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer.
Hmm.
However…
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) All that turkey talk outside got me in the Thanksgiving mood.
I think I have a full turkey around here somewhere.
But my oven is filthy.
I don’t mind. I like a dirty bird.
Mmhmm.
(SIRENS IN DISTANCE) (SIGHS) (BUZZING) (GROANS) (SCRUBBING) You weren’t lying. This oven is disgusting!
It sure was fun to talk about a dirty bird, but…
it would be unsanitary.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
BOTH: Oops. (LAUGHING) Well, hot brine is the most important part.
It sure is.
(GIGGLES) Uhoh. This is my Buster.
Oh!
(BETH CHUCKLES) He must’ve smelled what’s going on.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) (GUSTAFSON EXHALES) (GASPS) (CHUCKLES) Silly dog, that’s not for you.
GUSTAFSON: Ew.
Okay.
(WINCES) Ah.
(LAUGHS) He’s so strong.
(BUSTER GROWLS) Put that down.
How about some nice scratches instead?
(LAUGHS) Oh.
Yes.
GUSTAFSON: Wow.
I don’t like this.
(BOTH LAUGH) (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, your hair. May I?
Oh. Yes.
(CRUNCHING) That’s better.
BETH: Is this crazy?
It’s been a long time.
I’m afraid I may have forgotten how to kiss.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
(KISSES) Mmm.
(BOTH GROANING SOFTLY) (NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US NOW BY STARSHIP PLAYING)
BETH: Oh, wow.
How beautiful.
(CHUCKLES)
MALE SINGER: ♪ Lookin’ in your eyes
♪ I see a paradise
♪ This world that I found Is too good to be true
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
♪ Standin’ here beside you
♪ Want so much to give you
♪ This love in my heart That I’m feeling for you
(WHOOSHING)
FEMALE SINGER: ♪ Let ’em say we’re crazy
♪ I don’t care about that
♪ Put your hand in my hand Baby, don’t ever look back
♪ Let the world around us Just fall apart
♪ Baby, we can make it If we’re heart to heart
(WHOOSHING)
♪ And we can build This dream together
♪ Standing strong forever
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now
♪ And if this world Runs out of lovers
♪ We’ll still have each other
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now
(INHALER PUFFS)
♪ Whoa, whoa
MALE SINGER: ♪ I’m so glad I found you
♪ I’m not gonna lose you
♪ Whatever it takes I will stay here with you
♪ Take it to the good times
♪ See it through the bad times
♪ Whatever it takes Is what I’m gonna do
FEMALE SINGER: ♪ Let them say we’re crazy What do they know?
♪ Put your arms around me Baby, don’t ever let go
♪ Let the world around us Just fall apart
♪ Baby, we can make it If we’re heart to heart
(SONG SLOWS DOWN, DISTORTING) (THUNDER CLAPS) (PUFFING)
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
(BETH SCREAMING) (GASPING) (FRANK PANTING) (GASPING, WHEEZING) (CLICKS)
(INHALES)
(CLICKING)
(METAL CLINKS, ECHOES)
♪ And we can build This dream together
♪ Standing strong forever
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us
♪ And if this world Runs out of lovers
♪ We’ll still have each other
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us Now ♪
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: After a relaxing weekend away with Beth…
CYCLIST: (SCREAMS) Not again!
…it was time to get back to the case.
So I called the L.A. Chronicle news desk to follow up on Douglas O’Reilly, but was informed that he hadn’t made it into work.
So I headed to his apartment.
Douglas O’Reilly?
Lieutenant Frank Drebin here, Police Squad.
(DOOR CREAKS) Hello?
Anyone home?
(SQUELCH) Oh, no.
Hey, Douglas, I stepped in some kind of red liquid!
You got any paper towels?
I’m dragging it all over your place.
Huh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
I picked up your knife for you!
Where do you want it?
(READING) (CLICKS) Lieutenant Frank Drebin.
I did it.
(CLICKS) Okay.
(OBJECTS CLATTER) O’Reilly, that you?
O’Reilly?
(GASPS) And that’s when it hit me.
Like an idiot’s finished jigsaw puzzle, I was being framed.
I needed to clean the crime scene.
No body, no crime.
(GROANS)
(FAN RATTLES)
(BLOOD SPURTS)
(GROANS) Hiding the body was no longer an option.
COP: Freeze!
It’s not what it looks like!
(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)
(BODY THUDS) He’s running!
(PANTING) Car, drive.
Thank you, car.
(CAR DINGS)
(LATCHES CLICK, ELECTRIC ENGINE WHIRS) What the…
(ACCELERATING) Car, stop it.
I said stop!
Hello, Drebin. Mind if I take the wheel?
Cane. What’s going on?
I’ve taken control of the car.
It’s a little trick I have for when I want to fix mistakes.
So that’s how Davenport died.
He didn’t drive himself off a cliff, you did.
Now you’re getting somewhere, Detective.
But not before he spilled your secrets to that reporter.
So you went and killed him, too.
I didn’t kill him, Frank. You did.
You’re the crazy cop who stabbed the reporter and then drove himself into the ocean.
The hell I am.
(HANDLE CLICKING) There’s no escape, Drebin.
I’m just a little sad that you won’t be there to see what I have in store when the New Year’s Eve balls drop.
Oh, well. Have a nice trip.
(LINE DISCONNECTS) (PHONE CLICKS ON TABLE) (SIZZLING) Ohh. (SIGHS) Hi, Susan.
(ELECTRIC ENGINE WHIRS) (BEEPING) (CHIMES) (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS) Move! Move, move!
(YELPS) (GRUNTING) (BUZZING)
FRANK: Bees?
No. No. No!
(BUZZING) (ACCELERATING) Move! Out of the way! Move!
(BEEPING) (CLIPPY READING) What? Open the doors!
CLIPPY: You got it!
(DINGS) (GRUNTS) Frank! Are you okay? Where are you?
Never mind that. I know how Simon Davenport was killed.
It was Richard Cane. He drove him off the cliff.
Well, there’s a warrant out for your arrest.
(OVER PHONE) They’re claiming that you killed a reporter.
Say it isn’t so.
It ain’t so, Ed.
There’s another thing, Frank.
The mayor got wind of this whole mess and they’re pulling our funding.
What?
Police Squad is shut down effective immediately.
This is all because of me. I’ll fix this.
Do me a favor, Frank. Lay low.
You got it.
Thank you, Ed.
(SIGHS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
FRANK: Excuse me, do you have a phone I could use?
Thanks.
FRANK: As soon as I could, I called Beth to break her the news.
It wasn’t easy, but I hoped it would bring her some peace.
Thanks.
What the hell, man?
Oh, Frank.
Thank you.
God, you’re hurt.
It’s nothing.
Don’t be silly. Come in.
This is all I could find.
Might sting a bit.
Go for it.
(WINCES) It’s okay. Keep going.
Okay.
Cane said he had something big in store tomorrow for New Year’s Eve.
I’m willing to bet it’s whatever Simon was trying to warn us about.
What do you mean, something big?
(GRINDING) I don’t know.
But people could be in danger.
I see.
Frank, I have a confession.
When my brother called me before he died, he told me some things that I haven’t told you.
Go on.
He told me he was working on some kind of therapeutic device.
Something to calm people down.
But he was worried now that someone could use it to do the opposite.
Calm people up?
He didn’t say.
He just told me that if anything were to happen to him, I needed to do whatever it took to stop the device.
Those were his last words to me.
So that’s why you inserted yourself into my investigation.
Well, at first.
And that’s why you showed up at the Bengal Club.
Yes.
And that’s why you pretended to love me.
No!
Frank…
No, how could you say that?
I can’t believe I opened myself up to love again.
I wrote that whole song about it. I rented studio space!
Don’t go, please.
Frank, please.
Look at me.
What is that?
What?
(SCOFFS) That.
That’s my TiVo that I lent you yesterday so that you could watch season one of Buffy.
So that you could start getting my references.
I know that, Frank.
And I specifically told you not to plug it into the internet.
Oh.
“Oh?”
That’s an Ethernet cord going from my TiVo directly into your router, where the internet comes from!
I was just trying to plug it into the electricity.
And now they might be expired.
That means gone!
No musical special.
No Xander. No Spike. No Cordelia Chase.
No Daniel “Oz” Osbourne.
No Willowmeetsherdoppelganger episode. Nothing!
Sorry, I didn’t know they were so (INTERRUPTS) Frank, we’re in the middle of an important (INTERRUPTS) Just stand there.
(TiVo CHIRPING) (SCOFFS) They’re gone!
(PHONE RINGS)
BETH: It’s okay. It’s just the landline.
I’ll get it.
Hello.
It’s Ed. I’ve got something.
Okay.
I’ll be right there.
FRANK: Ed had dug through the bank footage and identified a man who’d slipped out the back, who also happened to be Cane’s head of security and righthand man.
If anyone knew Cane’s plan, it would be him.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) We needed to get him alone and put the squeeze on.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
FRANK: But we had to do it in our own way, off the books.
We’re on our way now.
You’re not my normal driver.
(DOOR CLOSES) This isn’t my normal car.
(HISSES) That’s not my normal gas.
This isn’t the normal way I fall asleep.
(GROANS)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
(GUSTAFSON SIGHS)
NURSE: Hello, doctor? He’s waking up.
What day is it?
NURSE: January 2nd.
You’ve been here for three days.
Three days?
(EXHALES) What the…
Can you turn that up, please?
That won’t be necessary, nurse.
Hello, Mr. Gustafson.
You!
Surprised to see me?
Your little plan, it didn’t work out.
We stopped it. The good guys won.
Cane’s in jail.
And here’s the bad news for you. He’s singing.
He told us you killed Simon Davenport and that reporter.
There’s talk you might get the chair for this.
You’re lying.
Am I?
Mmhmm.
Then tell me what really happened.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.
Tough guy, huh?
You know what happens to big pretty boys like you in San Quentin?
Ooh! They’re gonna love you.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
Massive cutie pie like you? You’ll be very popular.
First day in, probably have your mugshot go viral online.
The “sexy jailbird.”
Congrats, you’re famous.
Okay.
Then one day, your new fan army finds a legal loophole, and suddenly, you’re free! You’re back on the streets!
That’s… That’s not bad.
Only now, you’ve got an image to uphold.
The “sexy jailbird.”
Say goodbye to carbs. Hello, intermittent fasting.
You like ramen? Well, it’s all broth for you, baby!
Not to mention, there’s a new sexy jailbird now.
And he’s all about body positivity.
He’s eating burgers on the prison Instagram while you’re starving to death.
No.
But your brand is skinny. You can’t change course now!
So you decide to end it.
Bang! Bullet in the head!
I wouldn’t do that.
But you miss.
You only get the part of the brain that regulates farts.
No.
Now you’re a new meme, “farting guy.” Is that what you want?
To be “farting guy”?
No.
Come on, tell me, farting guy!
No. No.
You love it!
No!
Tell me! You love it!
Stop it!
It was all Cane’s plan! It wasn’t my plan!
What was?
He wanted to blast a frequency that would infect people’s brains and turn them into savages.
And where was he gonna do that?
At the WWFC fight.
Downtown, midnight.
Where was he gonna put the device?
In the New Year’s balls.
The balls.
Hey… where you going?
I want a lawyer, okay?
I’m sorry that we framed you! I’m sorry!
Did you get all that?
BARNES: Every word.
(POWER SWITCH CLICKS)
We don’t have much time. It’s only 90 minutes till New Year’s.
What? What is happening?
How is getting a confession like this legal?
Sometimes to get the job done, you have to break the law.
I do it all the time.
Huh.
Did we get all that?
MAN: We got it.
Huh?
BARNES: Internal Affairs.
You’re under arrest for the illegal detainment of Sig Gustafson.
No!
Ah! So you set me up. Impressive.
Uh, just one thing, how were you able to build these sets so quickly?
I just told some city contractors that I’d pull their licenses if they didn’t help us.
Did you get all that?
MAN: Loud and clear.
(ELECTRONIC WARBLING) Hector Gutierrez, Department of Occupational Safety and Health.
Officer Barnes, you are under arrest.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (BRAKES SQUEAL)
(GRUNTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
What are you doing?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(HORN BLOWING)
ANNOUNCER 1: Five minutes down.
There is the horn signifying the end of round one.
ANNOUNCER 2: This crowd is not happy, Jon.
All right, very exciting stuff, but we are now thrilled to be joined in the broadcast booth by one of the most vicious bareknuckle brawlers from the first season of WWFC, Dan “The Bloody Widowmaker” Daly. Welcome, Dan.
It’s weird.
I, uh… I left my wife at home and she was wearing makeup.
Said she didn’t have any plans.
What do you think that’s about?
I don’t know.
Me, neither.
And of course, none of this would be possible without tonight’s sponsor, EdenTech’s Richard Cane.
(APPLAUSE) The boys in the lab loaned me these special earplugs.
They block digital frequency.
So if that bomb does go off, we’re protected.
Nice work.
Now, where’s Cane?
Cane is in the skybox.
And what about backup?
There is no backup.
What?
You’re wanted for murder.
But Gustafson confessed.
We coerced him.
Haven’t you ever heard of the Miranda rights?
What? I’m pretty sure it’s Carrie that writes.
Miranda is a lawyer.
Charlotte’s an art dealer. And Samantha’s a whore.
What? What is it?
I’ve been trying to call Beth for hours. She’s not picking up.
I just hope she’s okay.
EMCEE: Live…
from scary downtown Los Angeles, this is the main event of the evening!
(EMCEE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Hmm.
(PEELING) Yeah.
GUARD: Sir?
Yes?
Oh! Please.
Can I help you?
Remember me?
Well, hello, Miss Cherry Roosevelt Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I, uh, love your new look.
BETH: Thank you.
Please. Join me.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen!
It’s…
time!
(CROWD CHEERING) Check, check. I’m on my way to the balls.
Okay, Frank, comms working.
I’m in position. We have 25 minutes.
Hey, one beer, please.
We’re closed.
Man, come on. One beer’s not gonna kill you.
One beer.
(LIQUID POURS) Get lost.
How much?
It’s free. Just get the hell out of here.
(GASPS)
FRANK: (OVER COMMS) Ed, do you hear me?
I can hear you, Frank.
Uhoh. I think one of Cane’s goons is up there.
FRANK: Come in, Ed.
Frank, can you hear me?
FRANK: Check, check.
Somebody’s up there, Frank! A guy is up there, Frank!
Oh, God! (SCREAMS) What’s that, Ed?
ED: Oh.
Uh, never mind.
Gentlemen, we’ve been over the rules in the back.
I expect you to fight clean, fight hard, fight fair.
All right, the tension in this arena is palpable.
The moment of truth is here, folks.
Straight to voicemail. I’ll bet she’s with Gary.
Let me use your phone. She won’t know your number.
You ready? Let’s get it on!
(CROWD CHEERING) Yeah! Let’s go! (CHUCKLES) Oh! (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) God, I love this.
Come on! (LAUGHS) (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
CANE: Wunderbar!
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (GUN CLICKS) (GUN CLICKING) Read any good books lately, Miss “Spaghetti”?
Or should I say, Miss Davenport?
I especially like the part where the erudite housewife transforms herself into a wouldbe assassin seeking revenge, hiding a… (GRUNTS) …gun…
in her garter belt.
And another…
(GASPS) …in the small of her back.
And a…
shotgun…
(RATTLING) …in her beautiful…
brunette wig.
Tie her up.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, Ed… I’m at the balls.
I’m gonna look for the device.
(CHEERING IN DISTANCE)
ED: Nice work, Frank.
MAN: Hey, you got free beer?
No, there’s not free Oh, boy.
It’s got to be in here somewhere.
(GRUNTS)
(CLICKS)
(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)
FRANK: Ed, come in.
Go on, take it and go.
Uh, Frank, can you hear me?
ANNOUNCER 2: Coker lands a brutal knee to the chest!
FRANK: I think I see it, Ed.
(GRUNTS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) All right, it looks as though we’re having some technical difficulties with the New Year’s Eve ball.
I can’t quite reach.
Uh.
(CREAKING) ANNOUNCER 2: Look at this!
The pants are off!
(CROWD LAUGHING) What the hell is going on?
DAN: All right. I believe the TV networks have blurred what’s happening here.
So for those of you back home, I will try to paint a picture.
The legs themselves are pale and white, sprinkled with cinnamon soft hair.
Now turning our gaze to the middle, where we find something quite magnificent.
The main event, if you will.
A grand bratwurst, fit for the Imperial Court of the Kaiser himself.
Or maybe a loaf of unbaked bread wearing an afro wig.
(RATTLES) (GRUNTS) I got it. I got it, Ed.
(OVER SCREEN) Okay, I’m gonna get out.
(CROWD LAUGHING) Drebin.
All right, get security down there now!
Nothing to see here, folks!
Police business. Please, carry on.
All right, buddy, time to go.
FRANK: (ON MIC) Now listen to me good.
My name is Frank Drebin. From Police Squad.
Drebin!
FRANK: This event is now over.
Everyone vacate the premises immediately.
(CROWD BOOING) Now!
Okay, playtime’s over. Give me the mic.
Don’t take another step, buddy!
That’s it.
ANNOUNCER 2: Oh!
Buffer goes down!
(CHEERING) You like watching a real man kick ass?
(CHEERING) Oh!
ED: (OVER COMMS) Frank, get the hell out of there! You’ve got company!
All right. Goodbye, everyone. Uh…
Have a good night.
All right, you, you, come with me.
Tell everybody to put in their frequency plugs.
And her, too.
We don’t want her going crazy in here, do we?
ED: What do you see, Frank?
The device has some lights on it.
Various holes. Weighs about… twoandahalf chili dogs.
It’s got some sort of timer on it synced up to midnight.
CANE: Hello, Detective.
Easy now. Let’s have it.
(GUN CLICKS) Stop right there.
Don’t do it.
Make one more move, and I’ll blow its freaking computer brains all over this floor!
CANE: Think about it, Drebin.
Everything I’m doing is for guys like us.
Guys like us?
Yes.
Powerful, righteous men, who actually give a damn.
Come on, Frank, you said it yourself, “The world was better before.”
(CLICKS) (DEVICE BEEPS) What have you done?
(BEEPS)
(CHUCKLES)
(PULSES)
(BANGING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTING)
(BLOWS LANDING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING) (SHOUTS)
(GROANING) (SCREAMING)
Whoa! Ah!
(SCREAMING)
(SHOUTING, GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING) Ahh.
Get out! Shh! Quiet!
“Four wheels move the body, two wheels move the soul.”
ALL: All right.
It’s a famous quote I got from…
Quotes.com.
HENCHMAN: Hey, boss!
Yeah.
What do you want me to do with her?
Leave her here. She’ll be dead by morning.
(GASPS) You fellas know how to ride, right?
Let’s do it! Yeah!
(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)
WOMAN: Hold on.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (GROANING) (SHOUTS) (CRASHES)
WOMAN: Whoa! Whoopsie.
Go, go, go. No!
(SHOUTING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Look at this!
(LAUGHS)
(CRASHES)
(BEEPS) (BEEPING)
(BEEPS)
(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)
(CROWD SHOUTING) Ahh!
Stay back! I don’t want to hurt you.
(SHOUTING)
(FERGALICIOUS BY FERGIE PLAYING) (GROANS) (SHOUTS, YELPS)
(MAGAZINE DROPS, KICKS) (SCREAMS)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(SHOUTS, GRUNTS)
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
(MAGAZINE CLICKS)
To the bunker, gentlemen!
(EVIL LAUGH) (TEETH CRACKING)
FERGIE: ♪ Hold, hold, hold Hold, hold up!
♪ Check it out
(SQUELCHING) (GROANS)
(GROANS, SCREAMS) (RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)
♪ I’m the F to the ERG The I, the E
Whoa! (GRUNTING)
♪ And can’t no other lady Put it down like me
♪ I’m fergalicious ♪
(SIGHS) (PEOPLE SHOUTING)
FRANK: Come on. Come on. Come on.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING IN DISTANCE) (NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING) Daddy?
(SQUAWKS) Help me, Daddy. What do we do?
(CANE LAUGHS) Come on! Weird Al’s waiting! (CHUCKLES) (OWL SQUAWKS) Whoohoo! Just like old times.
(SQUAWKS) Come on!
Let me get this guy first.
(GROANS) Got him! Okay, this guy on the right.
(GRUNTS) Ew.
(CAWS) Come on, Daddy, enough playing around.
Oh, thanks.
That’s him! A little lower.
(OWL HOOTS) Okay, here.
You’ve got a clear shot.
Take it!
(SCREECHES, FARTS) Ahh!
Whoa! That was so much!
You still got it, Daddy.
(CAWS) (GRUNTS) (SHOUTING) (YELPING) Thank you, Daddy!
(OWL SCREECHING) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) You see what you’ve done, Cane?
It’s not too late to stop this madness!
This isn’t madness, Drebin.
This is progress!
MAN: Progress?
The needs of the few should never outweigh the needs of the many.
There was a time when you knew that.
So it’s come to this.
The culmination of our journey.
All this… this stuff that’s taken place between you and me!
(TOILET FLUSHES) This, uh…
Thanks, Dave. I got it from here.
I’m so sorry. I messed up the lines a little bit.
No problem. You did great.
Yeah.
See you Sunday?
See you Sunday.
(GRUFFLY) Okay, Cane!
DAVE: Please, no! Get off me!
Stop! I’m not even in this movie!
Somebody!
Anyway, look at us! Isn’t this beautiful?
Exactly as nature intended.
Two great Kodiak bears, facing one another in an epic battle for dominance.
If it’s a fight you want… very well.
(GROWLS) (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) (BLOW LANDS) (GROANS) Oh! Ow!
You hit my belly! You hit the soft part of my belly!
What the hell?
Have you ever actually been in a fight before?
Uh, yeah! I have.
Oh, my God. I think I’m gonna barf.
Is that normal?
Do you want to keep fighting?
What? No!
My tummy still hurts a lot!
Well, in that case…
(GROANS) …I’m gonna arrest you.
You can’t arrest me. You still didn’t catch me.
There’s nowhere to run!
I won’t be running.
(METALLIC CLINKING) I’ll be flying.
(WHIRRING) (SHOUTS, CACKLES) (GROANS) Richard Cane…
(SIGHS SOFTLY) …you’re under arrest.
(CUFFS CLANKING) (BIKE BELL DINGS) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHING GRIMLY) He won’t be hurting anyone anymore.
It’s over.
Not for me, it isn’t.
No. Please.
Think about this, Beth.
Killing him won’t fix anything.
Why should I let him live?
It won’t bring Simon back.
You don’t know that for sure.
You’re right. Anything is possible.
But you have to let the justice system do its job.
That’s rich, coming from you.
The truth is, Beth, once you kill a man for revenge, there’s no going back.
It stays with you forever, following you like a shadow.
A voice in your head saying over and over, “Man, that was awesome!”
So, put the gun down.
If not for me, then for us.
For our future together.
I love you, Beth.
Don’t throw it all away for a few seconds of…
the best feeling you would ever have in your life.
(CRIES) (SHOUTING CONTINUES) (SIGHS SOFTLY) Go ahead.
Do it.
(ONE TIME BY ENYA PLAYING)
♪ Who can say Where the road goes?
I love you.
I love you.
(LAUGHING)
♪ Only time
Ronald, wake up!
(GASPS) You got the promotion!
Oh!
Bring it in. (CHUCKLES)
♪ As your heart chose? Only time
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Not bad for a stubborn old fool.
I guess old men really are the toughest, smartest, most capable, sexiest beings on the planet.
Oh, Frank, you’ve made me a very happy woman.
Me, too.
♪ Only time
♪ And who can say Why your heart cries
♪ When your love lies? Only time ♪
(OWL CAWING) (SONG FADES) (CAWS) (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
CHIEF DAVIS: As a result of Lieutenant Frank Drebin’s heroic work on New Year’s Eve, I am happy to announce that Police Squad is back with a renewed commitment to accountability and justice.
And in that spirit, we will not ignore Lieutenant Drebin’s questionable actions on the days leading up to the event.
And right now, Frank Drebin is being subject to a rigorous and thorough internal investigation.
Thank you.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(BABY WANTS TO ROCK BY MONDO ROCK PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(SHRIEKS)
SINGER: ♪ Baby wants to rock ♪
Oh!
(PLAYING STEEL DRUMS)
Well, Beth, here’s to us.
To us.
(GLASS CLINKS)
(THE NAKED GUN FROM THE FILES OF THE POLICE SQUAD PLAYING)
What is happening?
What?
This is strange.
Come on.
Taylor?
Are you all right?
BETH: What’s happening, Frank? I’m scared.
Okay, honey. We’ll get to the bottom of this.
Oh, God.
Wake up, you piece of shit!
FRANK: Keep it together.
Wait a second. What is this?
Do you hear that music?
Yeah.
(MUFFLED GURGLING) Who the heck are you people?
Have you been watching us this whole time?
You’ve seen me in shorts?
Step back, honey, please.
(GLASS BREAKING)
FRANK: Ow!
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(SIREN WAILS)
Yo! Cops!
(PINS RATTLE)
(SIREN CONTINUES WAILING)
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Whoa!
(SIREN WAILS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(MY SWEET BETH BY FRANK DREBIN PLAYING)
FRANK: This goes out to a very special lady.
♪ Beth
♪ You are The love of my life
♪ I want to make you my wife
♪ Sweet Beth
♪ You opened my heart up
♪ To loving again…
You did that.
You know what, I’ve never really been in a professional recording studio before.
What does this do?
(DRUMBEAT PLAYS)
FRANK: Oh, that… that’s nice.
That’s got a good sound to it, huh?
No, no, no. I don’t need to touch it. That’s fine.
♪ Beth
♪ Oh
♪ Topshelf curves
♪ And brains to boot
♪ And boots that would top my brain’s Top Ten list…
♪ Aboot boots…
♪ And the curvy brains That bought them
♪ Also breasts
♪ My sweet Beth
♪ When I first saw you In my office
♪ I kept thinking About your body
♪ ‘Cause I didn’t yet know Your mind
♪ I don’t mind
♪ My sweet Beth
(DRUMBEAT PLAYS) It is just fun to play those things.
Do you mind if I… I pick up this guitar?
I always wished I knew how to do it.
(PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO)
FRANK: Hey!
Ah, here we go.
You know, it’s surprisingly easy.
(GUITAR SOLO CONTINUES)
FRANK: Ow! It kind of hurts your fingertips.
No one tells you about that part.
♪ My sweet Beth ♪
Thank you, Beth, for opening up my heart…
to love again.
(PIANO MUSIC SWELLS) (DRUMBEAT PLAYING)
FRANK: I just had to get one more.
(GIGGLES)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Everyone, put your hands together for the world’s last living entertainer, “Weird Al” Yankovic!
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)
How’s everybody doing tonight?
Hello?
Anybody here?
Cane?
Evil billionaires?
Crabhands guy?
Oh, what the heck?
