London Calling (2025)
Director: Allan Ungar
Writers: Omer Levin Menekse, Quinn Wolfe, Allan Ungar
Stars: Josh Duhamel, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Rick Hoffman, Aidan Gillen
Plot: After mistakenly killing the relative of London’s biggest crime lord, mediocre hitman and ex-pat Tommy Ward is forced to go on the run and take refuge in Los Angeles. In order to get back to his son, Tommy makes a deal with his new employer Benson: teach his socially awkward son Julian how to become a man in exchange for safe passage back to the UK. Now, Tommy is forced to drag Julian along on his latest contract killing of a renowned assassin. What starts off as a simple ride-along soon descends into utter mayhem as Tommy and Julian must find a way to survive the night so that Tommy can get back to his son and Julian can win the approval of his father.
* * *
London Calling (2025) | Transcript
[logo sound effects play]
[logo music plays]
[“Hypersexual” Performed by Rêve Ft. Bank & Ranx]
♪ You’re the cigarette
after sex ♪
♪ One night stand with your ex ♪
♪ The “Are you up?”
late night text ♪
♪ Ain’t too proud,
proud to beg ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ With you,
I got no self-control ♪
♪ When we’re alone ♪
♪ And no one knows ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Feelin’ hypersexual ♪
♪ It’s chemical ♪
♪ A deadly dose ♪
[cell phone chimes]
[club music echoes]
[Tommy] Dressed as a horse.
[club music echoes]
Walk in the park.
[club music plays]
[club chatter]
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Feelin’ hypersexual ♪
♪ It’s chemical ♪
♪ And no one knows ♪
[dramatic music plays]
[door bangs open]
[Chef yells]
[door bangs open]
[heavy panting]
Fucking hell! Come on!
Look, it’s not me you’re after.
It can’t be.
Yeah, it’s not the first time I heard that.
I’m telling you, this is a mistake.
Nice try, horsey.
Horse? I’m a donkey!
Not from where I’m standing.
[silenced gunshot]
[metal clangs]
[inquisitive music plays]
Listen, I am Freddy Darby’s wife’s cousin.
Sure you are.
Everyone’s related to Darby.
[silenced gunshot] Oh, fuck!
[silenced gunshot] Fucking hell.
Right, just stand still for a second, would you?
I am standing still.
[silenced gunshot, wet splat]
[body slumps]
Huh, that is a donkey.
[bell tings]
Oh, shit.
That is Freddy Darby’s wife’s cousin.
Oh, boy.
[theme music plays]
Hey, I fucked up.
Thanks.
So how much time do I have?
The family’s already talking.
They think it was a low-level hitter.
But it’s only a matter of time before Darby pieces it all together.
How the hell did this happen, Tommy?
I don’t know.
It was dark. It was in the alley. I couldn’t–
Wait, wait.
You didn’t go, did you?
Go where?
How many times have I asked you to have your eyes checked?
I don’t need fucking glasses.
Clearly you fucking do.
I’m talking about a horse, and a donkey.
Who the fuck can tell the difference between a horse and a donkey?
Anybody. Literally anybody.
We have fucking Attenborough for that.
Look, Tommy, no one can take away the good you’ve done over the years.
Ever since you first came out here, you ask anybody, who did it best?
They’ll tell you. Tommy Ward.
And that still means something.
But this business of time catches up with you.
Legs slow down, hands start shaking.
Shit hurts for no reason.
It’s a new era.
You’ve got to know when to put it down.
[phone rings]
[phone chimes]
[dramatic music plays]
Shit!
Yeah. You better leave town tonight.
Can you buy me some time?
No. No, you can’t do this.
It’s the first place they’ll look for you.
Not if I get there first.
[lift clatters]
[inquisitive music plays]
[Jodi] God damn it, Tom.
Look, I need to see him.
Yeah. Well, you lost your privileges.
Don’t tell me you lost your bloody mind, too.
Come on, two minutes.
That’s all I ask.
I might not be coming back.
Please, Jodi.
Are you drunk?
No.
Are you high?
Not currently.
Ah, hi ya, Tom.
Hey, Ricky.
What’s going on?
Just having a little private chat with my ex-wife.
Right on.
You want to come on inside?
No!
No.
[Ricky] Alright.
Just wait here.
So, how’s work?
Good.
Yeah?
How’s work for you, Ricky?
Good.
How’re the students?
Rascals.
Yeah.
Yeah. Love ’em.
It’s an all boys school, right?
Yeah.
There we go.
Ricky.
Um, honey… your dad’s going on a trip, and he wanted to say goodbye.
But I thought you said he lost his privileges.
Yeah, he did, love. I’m just doing him this one last favor, because I feel really bad for him, okay?
Because he’s a loser.
Exactly. A loser.
Two minutes.
Hey. Hey, buddy.
How are you doing?
Fine, I guess.
Good… look, buddy.
I did a stupid thing, and I have to go away for a little while.
Mom says everything you do is stupid.
Huh. Well, not everything.
I did one thing right.
But I…
I love you very much.
And one day I’m going to come back here, and we’re going to give this thing a real shot.
But in the meantime, I need you to be the man of the house.
I need you to look after your mom, even though she sucks.
I want you to respect her, and I want you to listen to everything that she tells you to do, okay?
What about Ricky?
Ricky’s a bitch. Don’t listen to anything he says.
But Mom says he’s a better man than you.
Mm.
Well, I guess… then you need to be a better man than the both of us. Okay?
Time’s up, Tom.
Come here.
I love you, bud.
Bye.
Come on.
I’m going to come back
[door slams closed]
[phone rings]
Yep.
You’re all set. Got your one-way ticket out of here.
Flight leaves Heathrow in two hours, but, um…
[Tommy] But what?
You’re not going to like it.
[“We Like To Party” by The Vengaboys]
♪ We like to party ♪
♪ We like, we like to party ♪
♪ We like to party ♪
♪ We like, we like to party ♪
♪ We like to party ♪
♪ We like, we like to party ♪
♪ We like to party ♪
Fuck you, Harry.
[Driver 1] Asshole!
Learn how to fuck’n drive!
[phone rings]
Hey, Benson…
Benson, can you hear me?
Where the hell are you?
He called and said you were an hour late.
Yeah, I’m on my way.
I’m stuck in traffic.
Oh, traffic?
It’s LA, you douche… there’s always traffic.
[Benson] How come you didn’t leave earlier?
I did.
No, you didn’t. You’re lying.
No, I’m not.
You don’t know that.
Fuck you. I do know that.
Now listen.
This guy thinks he’s going on a job with you, so just keep it simple, kill him quickly.
Harry vouched for you, which is the only reason why you’re still doing jobs for me.
So if I were you, I would move my ass!
Get there now, and start acting like a goddamn professional.
[phone disconnects] Hey, I am a prof–
Fuck! Darya!
Darya, are you messing with the TV?
[Benson] Darya!
[electronic whir]
[Benson] Enough with the blender!
[Benson] What’s going on with the cable box?
[Darya] Nothing.
[Benson] Nothing?
[Benson yelling in background]
[Benson] What is going on?
Where’re you going?
Homework?
That’s not a place.
Ah… the park.
To do homework.
Let me take a look.
Wow. They’re still making you read this shit?
Mm. A lot of good that did.
Nothing but a generation of just soft pussy boys.
What they ought to do is take your whole nerd herd and keep you on that island for real. Toughen you up.
You know that character in here, the fat one, Piggy?
Don’t be like him.
And no more D’s.
If I have to have another word with your teacher, I’m gonna have to have another word with you.
You understand?
Go.
Oh, and Julian.
If I find out that you and your nerd friends are still doing that roleplay business, I’m just gonna have to find the closest thing to me and beat the fuck out of you with it.
It’s about hard work and making me proud.
If you do those things, something very, very special is going to come to you one day.
Who loves you?
Me.
[wet splat] Me too.
[door squeaks and closes]
[sea ambience, birds call]
[people chattering]
[car engine rumbles]
[Hamish] About time.
Benson said that…
Holy shit.
What?
Tommy Ward.
Fuck me.
What the fuck are you doing in L.A.?
Hey, I heard you killed Freddy Darby’s son?
Oh, yeah? You hear that?
Yeah.
[gearbox rattles]
It was his wife’s cousin.
Family’s family to Darby though, isn’t it?
[adventurous music plays]
[birds calling]
[excited chatter]
[weapons thud]
Oh, oh, sorry.
No, it’s okay.
Julian.
Hey, Erika.
What are you doing?
Taking off my pants in the park.
Thanks.
[Erika] New costume?
Uh, yes, yeah, my dad found my Paladin and then he burned it in the backyard after dragging it behind his car, so.
So what are you now?
I’m a level three Druid.
But I morphed into a Bear and now I don’t have time to unmorph for the big tournament tomorrow, so.
Just kinda stuck.
Okay.
Yeah.
Did you need this tree?
To take off my pants?
No, it’s, well, okay, that’s… um..
I’ll find somewhere else.
Don’t worry.
Ok. Bye.
Yeah, such an idiot.
[Hamish] So, how the hell have you been, man?
Hey, what’s it been?
Six, seven years?
He probably could have gotten you a better getaway car.
I mean, I knew Benson was a cheap bastard, but this is just embarrassing.
This is my car.
Oh?
Yeah.
Okay, you drive this on purpose?
It’s a… classic.
Okay. So, who’s the target?
Some rich dude in some shithole neighborhood.
What shithole?
Malibu.
Malibu? Come on, man, it’s gorgeous.
I hate it here, I always have.
Just wanna go back to London.
Hey, watch out for the tree!
Did you not see that?
Are you suggesting I need glasses?
I don’t need fucking glasses.
Okay, yeah, okay, okay.
I mean, I beg to differ.
That was our exit, so.
[ominous music plays]
[handbrake ratchets up]
Are you kidding me?
[tires screeching]
[dramatic music plays]
[car door closes]
God dammit!
Hamish!
[Hamish] Oh, fuck! Ah, fuck!
I’m sorry about that, mate.
Come on, let’s make a deal, yeah?
Oh no, no deals.
I’m a professional.
But we’re friends, yeah?
No, we’re not.
Okay, acquaintances.
We did one job together, one.
Fuckin’ Benson.
I knew I couldn’t trust him.
Hey, how much is he paying you?
Not enough.
Okay, well that’s good.
I can top it.
Shut up.
Are you ready?
Of course I’m not ready.
Turn around.
Wait, wait.
Turn around.
Let me call me son, yeah?
Please.
No.
Nine fucking years old, mate.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, you’ve got a son, yeah?
Back in London… please.
All right, okay, all right.
Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds.
Make it quick, come on.
Thirty fucking seconds.
[phone rings]
Oh, son… oh son of mine.
I just wanna let you know I’m not gonna be around for you.
And that I forgive you for being a goddamn poof.
Ward’s in LA.
[silenced shot rings out]
[body thumps down]
[dramatic music plays]
[heavy breathing]
[connection peeps off]
Ward’s in Los Angeles.
Oh God, let it go, Freddy.
Can’t do that, love.
He killed one of my own.
You barely knew him.
Family’s family.
I mean, what if it was my father instead of me?
He’d have Ward dead and buried within a week.
I’m going on a year. How’d you think that makes me feel?
Where are you going?
I’ll be back soon.
Maybe I’ll finally be able to get some rest after I’ve avenged poor Ronald.
His name was Robert, and he was my cousin.
[dramatic music plays]
Where we going, boss?
City of Angels, lads.
[excited chatter]
[adventurous music plays]
Hey.
Yo man, that’s really nice.
It’s super authentic.
Thanks, man. You ready for the big day tomorrow?
What does it matter?
We’re just gonna get our asses kicked again.
Don’t say that, dude.
There’s a chance.
There’s always a chance.
Besides, what do they have that we don’t?
[majestic music plays]
Look at him.
So fucking cool, man.
Cool, really?
I mean, come on, he speaks in a fake British accent, and has black nail polish.
I think we can take him.
Tristan Trollslayer.
I thought you used to be a Paladin.
I’m a Druid now. Level three.
Really? Level three?
[sinister music plays]
Only I can level you.
You know that.
Come on, Robbie.
Seriously?
Barnabus! And I am relegating you to level one.
What? That’s bullshit.
[crowd gasps]
[sword clinks]
Did you just question my leadership?
Your collar, give it to me.
I’m not gonna do that, Bobby.
Get on the ground, boy.
[sinister music plays] Get on the ground!
Hey! Bobby, what are you doing?
Know your place, woman.
Seriously?
Yeah, I’m calling Dad.
What?
Oh no, you’re not.
Hey!
Shit.
[door creaks open]
[keys jingle]
[quiet music plays]
[Benson] Tell me it’s done.
It’s done.
[Benson] Good. Come get your cash before I change my mind.
Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour.
[armrest crackles]
[light music plays]
[Julian sighs deeply]
I… what the fuck is that?
Uh, a bully kicked my ass, and stole my shorts, so…
What would you like me to do about it?
Kick his ass for you?
I mean, if you want to.
Bubbale…
Like my father taught me, and I’ve tried to teach you a mystifying number of times, a man solves his own problems.
We wandered through that goddamn desert hundreds of years.
Four years.
Why do you think the Egyptians chose us?
Because we are tough.
Because we can take it.
If you can’t handle a bunch of little dick assholes in the teenage world, how the hell are you gonna handle the big dicks when you take over the business?
Avoid them, I guess.
No.
No, you grab your frank ‘n beans.
[splat]
Man the fuck up, and turn your shit around, otherwise everything this family built dies with me.
[car engine rumbles]
Go to your room.
[car door opens and closes]
Alright.
The rest goes back to London just like before.
Yeah, perhaps, ah… perhaps now’s the best time to tell you.
Maybe you should use that cash to buy yourself a new car.
[Tommy] What?
The fuck is this?
“I’m getting married to Ricky!
“Stop sending letters and your dirty money.”
Son of a bitch. Aah!
She’s getting married to Ricky.
What’s wrong with Ricky?
He’s a gym teacher.
Gym teachers are good with kids.
Gym teachers aren’t teachers, they’re perverts, with whistles.
I gotta go back to London.
[Benson] So go.
[Tommy] I can’t.
Why not… the fuck is this?
Kale.
Excuse me… um…
Have I ever given you the impression that I look like a guy that drinks kale?
Yes.
Aah! That was delicious, thank you.
Okay.
I met her in a Russian brothel, if you can believe that.
I never would have guessed.
[Benson] She breaks everything.
Oven, toaster, toilet.
And now the goddamn cable box.
Just send somebody out to fix it.
A man solves his own problems.
I will not have somebody come out here to fix a basic appliance, Tom.
As you were saying…
I can’t go back to London because I killed Freddy Darby’s wife’s cousin.
Who the fuck’s Freddy Darby?
He’s my old boss back in London.
He’s got this weird fixation with family.
Anyway, I had to leave, and I can’t go back because if I do, he will kill me the second I step off the plane.
What do you want me to do about it?
I don’t know, don’t you have connections over there?
Round up some muscle, give me a safe passage, or something?
I gotta be honest with you, Tom.
I don’t have that kind of pull anymore.
I have to move money around, I would have to call in every favor I’m owed.
Even then, I don’t go that far for people who work for me.
Ben, Ben, Ben, I haven’t seen my son for over a year.
His mother is not gonna send him over here to see me.
[Tommy] Even if it’s for just a couple of days, please.
I just, I need to see my boy.
I’ll tell you what, you help me.
Maybe I can see if I can get you safe passage back to London.
Yeah, anything you need, you name it.
[mouse scratching in desk]
[message alert beep]
[inquisitive music plays]
[amorous sounds]
[door snaps open]
[Benson] Knock, knock, please do not get up.
Okay, so Tommy, this is my son, Julian.
Hello.
He’s kind of like Rain Man, but really sucks at math.
Julian, this is Tommy, Tommy kills people for me.
Umm… hi.
[Woman on computer] Oh!!
So
what the fuck was that?
It’s a YouTube video.
Cats… compilation of cats.
[Woman on computer] Oh! Oh!
See, meow, meow.
[Woman on computer] Oh, fuck me, Daddy! Oh, aah!
[Woman on computer] Oh, fuck me, Bearboy!
Is this what you do with yourself all day?
No, I play Warcraft.
But I don’t fucking give a shit!
[Benson] I’m done. Ends with me.
Everything this family built is gone.
Wait, you don’t, you don’t wanna…
Sorry?
I’m not gonna kill…
I don’t kill kids.
The fuck is wrong, are you out of your mind?
No, Tom, sit, come sit, please, Tom.
Sit, come, sit, come.
This is about legacy.
What do you think’s gonna happen when Professor Greenbeans takes over the family?
This needs to turn around right fucking quick, Tommy.
He needs to become a man, and a man needs a job.
Yeah, yep.
Nothing like hard work to straighten out a young man.
And that’s exactly why he’s coming on the next hit with you.
You… Wait, uh…
You, uh, no, wait, hold on.
All right, listen up, guys, this is the job.
Target, Alistair McCray.
[Benson] For years, he was a ghost.
Some people think he was a myth.
You know, kind of like that campfire story that you tell around the bath house to spook the competition.
[opera music plays]
[opera plays]
[heavy boot steps]
[pistols fire]
[pistols fire]
[wet splats]
[pistols fire]
[bodies thump onto ground]
[opera continues]
[rains pelts down]
[cigar crackles]
[body slumps onto ground]
Hold on, this has gotta be a mistake, I know this guy.
He is one of the best hitters in all of Europe.
Was… seems that Alistair had some sort of breakdown.
Change of heart…
Come to Jesus moment.
…bloodwork. I would like to increase your dosage.
God told me to stop taking my medication.
Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend that.
He decides to confess all of his sins to the cops, including some of the hits that he did for a few associates of mine.
Question.
Your penis?
Please put it away.
[Benson] The cops don’t believe him.
I mean, if Alistair gets in an interrogation room without showing his scrotum, there could be trouble.
Ben, I couldn’t do this guy by myself, let alone having to drag this marshmallow with me, no offense.
I’m not saying I’m not agreeing with you, Tom.
Oh my God.
But the circumstances have changed.
I mean, come on, it’s an easy job.
So, he’s gone completely mental?
It appears so.
Okay, are there any leads on his whereabouts?
His brother, Seamus.
He just got Alistair out of the precinct yesterday.
I want him dead too, no loose ends.
I didn’t know he had a brother.
Got himself into some pharmaceutical shit.
Constantly on the move.
Seemingly hard to track down.
However, I happen to know one of his dealers, the name is Woodley.
That guy is staying in a Best Western in Simi Valley.
Room 126.
See if you can get him to give you Seamus’ location.
Then I want him dead too.
Got it?
Are you writing down the names of the people we’re about to murder?
No.
Could I talk to you for a second?
He’s gonna get me killed.
I didn’t ask for your opinion.
Just give it a couple of years.
What is he, 13, 14 years old?
Eighteen.
Jesus Christ!
It’s worse than I thought.
So when it’s done, call me to confirm, and I need to see pictures.
Can we at least talk about this?
I don’t want–
Do you want my help?
Do you want safe passage to London?
It’s this, or fuck yourself?
I’ll make you proud, Dad.
You have no perspective.
It’s like your role play.
Everybody but you thinks it’s stupid and embarrassing.
This is your last fucking chance to turn your shit around, and become a man.
Don’t let me down, Bubby, I love you.
Oh, Tom.
When the time comes, you make sure that it’s my boy that pulls that trigger, do you understand?
Yeah.
Bye, Dad.
[Julian] Dad?
Ah, no, no, no, no, shit goes in the trunk.
Hey, hey, easy.
Julian.
Oh.
Hey, Erika?
Sorry about earlier.
Bobby can be a bit of a douche.
Oh, it’s okay.
Where are you going?
To man up and get my shit together, apparently, so…
You’re not gonna miss tomorrow, are you?
What is this kid doing?
[horn blares]
We need you there.
Listen, I[Tommy] Come on, let’s go.
I don’t think I can LARP anymore.
[horn blares repeatedly]
I can talk to my brother if you want.
[Tommy] Come on, let’s go.
Ah, I gotta go.
Right, um, yeah, cool.
I guess I’ll see you around.
Oh my God, would you hurry the fuck up, please?
[bag clangs down]
[car door bangs closed]
Is that your chick?
No, she’s an elven mage.
She’s… Never mind.
[car engine starts and accelerates]
[“Lonely Road” by Killer Dwarfs]
♪ Our love is on the highway ♪
[flapping scratching sounds]
Stop touching that.
[radio channels flip]
[“London Calling” by The Clash]
♪ London calling
to the faraway towns ♪
♪ Now war is declared and…♪
[radio switches off]
So, why’d you leave England?
I killed some people.
So, why are you back here?
Killing different people.
Did you have like a real job before this whole thing?
This is a real job.
[Julian] Sorry.
So, do you have like a favorite mission?
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been involved in any real life violence?
Yeah. Yeah!
Yeah?
Yeah.
No, yeah, I get my ass beat on occasion.
Oh.
[Julian] Bullies.
Strangers sometimes.
[tape rips]
There’s something wrong with the seat.
It’s supposed to be like that.
It’s a classic.
Right, so, just so you don’t go getting yourself killed out there, you might as well learn how to use one of these.
Right, two hands on the weapon like this.
Finger off the trigger till you’re ready to squeeze.
Of course.
Any questions?
Yeah, actually, do you like the Beatles?
What?
You look like a Beatles fan.
Everybody loves the Beatles.
[pistol shot rings out]
[bullet ricochets]
So, who do you think your favorite Beatle is?
Aah… Ringo.
You’re just saying that to be different.
[pistol shot rings out]
[bullet ricochets]
Okay, are you missing on purpose? Like some kind of test to see if I’m paying attention, or something?
[pistol shots rings out]
[bullets ricochet]
Fucking sun’s in my eyes.
I got an extra pair of sunglasses in the car.
No, it’s fine, it’s your turn.
The sights are off, but you’ll get the idea.
Wait, two hands.
[pistol shot rings out]
[bottle smashes]
What?
Two hands on the weapon.
None of that gangster shit.
[pistol shots rings out]
[bottles break]
Yeah, you’re right, that feels a lot better.
Are you messing with me?
You’ve done this before, right?
No, but just play a lot of Fortnite, I guess.
We’re leaving.
[pistol shot rings out]
[bottle smashes]
Wait up for me.
[pistol shot rings out]
[bullet ricochets]
[metal smacks into ground]
[car engine rumbles]
[brakes squeal]
[engine switches off]
I’m sorry about earlier.
[car doors open and close]
Oh, that’s not your–
Not another word.
Alright, take this.
Alright, listen up.
When we get in there, you keep your mouth shut, and you follow my lead, you understand?
You do as I do.
Do as you do.
[Amos] Yo!
[speaks in foreign accent]
Congratulations, Room 126.
You have won our daily raffle.
[Amos] Slide it under the door, man.
It’s on one of those giant checks, sir.
Just need you to sign for it.
Show me my money.
[Amos] Shit!
[Tommy] Back, back up.
[Tommy] Back up, man.
[Amos] Chill, man, chill.
[Tommy] Sit down.
[Amos] Damn, I knew that shit was too good to be true.
Nobody just gives away money these days.
Who the fuck are you, man?
I’m Julian.
[Julian] Ow!
We’re looking for Seamus.
You tell me where he is, I’ll let you live.
I don’t know where he is, man, I swear.
You gonna make me count?
He’s gonna make me count?
[Julian] He’s gonna make you count.
Okay, fine.
Three, two–
Three, two–
Two comes after three.
Yeah, I know that, but I’m doing my own count.
Yeah, wait, it’s my count.
It’s my count.
It’s my count.
Okay, it’s my count.
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
Three, two, one.
What kind of amateur bullshit is this, man?
Sorry. It’s still loaded.
[Tommy] Oh my god, enough of this shit.
Tell me where he is.
Aye, aye, aye, chill, he’s meeting up with some Russian buyers tonight.
I’ll tell you when and where.
Good. Good.
Put it in there.
Time and address.
What the fuck is this, man?
A flip-phone.
[Amos] You never heard of a fucking iPhone?
This thing’s ancient, it’s gonna take a minute.
[phone buttons click]
[Amos] 2002 motherfucker… in here.
[phone buttons click]
[phone buttons click]
Good. Grab my bag.
[bag bangs down]
So, we good, right? You said you were gonna let me live.
I lied.
Ah, come on, man.
Wait…
This isn’t my bag.
Where’s my hammer, my bone saw?
Bone saw?
That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier in the car.
That’s my bag.
Yeah, well then, where’s my bag?
You got a bear costume?
Dog collar, what the…?
What kind of ghetto-ass bullshit is this?
No, no, I LARP.
I LARP.
You what?
LARP?
Yeah, it’s Live Action Role Play, okay?
Just don’t tell my dad.
I’m not gonna tell your dad.
This is far too fucking embarrassing to tell anybody, okay?
Why did you even do this?
[Tommy grunts]
[thumps onto floor]
Give me that shit.
[bathroom door closes, bangs open] Seriously?
Oh, God damn it.
[dramatic music plays]
Find the gun!
What?
Find the gun!
[Amos chocking and gurgling]
[toilet flushes] I got it.
[Tommy pants deeply]
Uh, what do we do now?
Well, we gotta get the body out of here.
You gotta be shitting me.
[Tommy] Careful.
[Julian] Whoa, whoa!
Hey, guys.
What’s up?
Crazy night.
Yeah, just one of those nights.
[spade scrapes into ground]
[Tommy strains and groans]
This seems… wrong.
Look, kid, you can’t have feelings about the job.
Look, here’s the thing.
One of the common mistakes that amateurs make is that they start getting emotional about it.
You just gotta think of this guy as as one of the hundreds of thousands of people that die every single day on this planet.
No, I was talking about the costume…
I was hoping to get that back.
Or not, yeah, I was gonna quit anyway.
[doorbell chimes]
[door squeaks open]
Pardon me, Miss.
I’m looking for Benson.
Darya, how many times do I have to tell you to stop stuffing shit in the blend…
Are you Benson?
So that’s the thing now?
You’re just gonna let complete strangers in the house?
They’re looking for you.
Well, a lot of people are looking for me, because I’m a fucking crime boss.
Why don’t you go watch the Kardashians and fuck off?
[menacing music plays]
Name’s Freddy Darby.
[door closes] It’s all right, I’m not here for you.
I’m looking for Tommy.
Okay.
I’m sorry, who’s Tommy?
Six foot American.
Oddly perfect bone structure…
Tommy, you know.
Sounds gorgeous, but I do not know Tommy.
Well, see, the thing is, Tommy, he’s gone and killed my wife’s cousin, and she’s mighty torn up about it, as am I.
Haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since, and I was hoping you could help me.
I… well, like my father said, a man solves his own problems.
You know what my father used to say?
An offer rarely fails against a threat.
Now, I could make my problem your problem too, see?
But then you’d get angry, I’d get angry, and we both know where it goes from there.
Now, word has it that you’re a key supplier to some gentlemen here on the West Coast.
What if I were to offer a generous price on an arms shipment, call it a friends and family discount, mates rates, with the possibility of some more business in the future, of course.
[pen clicks]
[pen scratches]
What do you say?
With all due respect, I… shit…
Is that a yes?
[“Love Put The Tears In My Eyes” by Jimmy Radcliffe]
♪ Don’t talk to me… ♪
You know what?
Maybe being a hit man is my calling.
Huh, no, all evidence thus far points to the contrary.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just been inside me this whole time, and I’ve just never noticed, you know?
Always been really good at first person shooters, always had a really high KD.
That’s a kill death ratio?
Mmhmm.
Look, I know it’s dangerous and everything, but like…
How hard can it be, you do it, right?
Hey, watch yourself.
Sorry.
How did you get started?
Well, I needed the money and I took little issue with offing bad people.
Were you any good?
I was the best.
So like, what happened?
Wow, you’re really pushing it tonight, aren’t you?
I dunno, the job just kept getting harder.
Do you have a family?
No.
That’s why you were so good.
You didn’t have anybody that was worrying about you?
Like me.
Well, you’ve got your dad.
[sniggers] No, no.
He thinks I’m a total disappointment.
I’m pretty sure he hates me.
He always says soft names makes soft men.
Whatever that means?
So I take it your mom named you then?
Where’s she?
She died. Car accident.
It’s the first dead body I ever saw.
Yeah, I bring up my mom all the time, but he just finds a way to change the subject, and then blame everything bad that ever’s happened to him on me.
So what about that girl that was at your place earlier?
Erika?
Yeah.
What about her?
You should ask her out.
I think she likes you.
Oh, I doubt that.
Her brother beats me up all the time.
In front of her, mainly, so.
You shouldn’t let him do that to you.
You gotta stand up for yourself, man, come on.
Umm, I don’t wanna do that.
Come with me.
Come on.
Where are we going?
[adventurous music plays]
Alright. What do you know?
Nothing.
Nothing?
You ever heard of the Savage Badger?
No.
The Gooch Scoup?
No.
What about the Tottenham Tickler?
Sounds fun, but no.
Okay.
You know what, we’re just gonna start with the basics, okay?
Okay, the easiest way to win any fight, especially when you’re weak and worthless, is the eye poke, okay?
Okay.
That middle finger has the most reach.
But that index finger, that’s the sturdiest, okay?
Extend them both, and out.
Poke.
Bah!
Bah!
Nice. Now you wanna hold it down behind you.
Hide it till you’re ready.
Nothing to see here, right?
Nothing to see here.
What, are you… hey!
Why you picking on me, bro?
[Tommy] Why you picking on me?
[Julian] Why you picking on me?
They’ll never know it’s coming, you know?
It’s like, bam! Right?
And sometimes when you get them in there, you maybe dig a little deeper.
Maybe squish them around a little.
And that is what we call the Eye Gouge.
All right?
Got it.
Okay, any questions?
No.
You ready?
Yeah.
Okay, poke me.
Right now?
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
[Julian] Okay.
Nope, too slow, bro.
Gotta be aggressive, come at me, come at me.
Nope, come on.
Gotta be aggressive.
You’re a fucking killer.
Come at me.
All right, come on.
Not even close, come on, man.
Listen, first of all, your distance.
You gotta get closer so that your distance–
Oh!
God!
Oh my, I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
God damn it.
I didn’t…
Wasn’t I supposed to…
Are you good?
No, no, no, that was great, that was great.
That was great, you got me.
Maybe we should move on.
No.
We should move on?
No, we are not moving on until we master this.
We master this, and then we move on.
You sure?
Yeah!
Okay?
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
What I was trying to say is you wanna make sure that the distance is right when you get in the–
Oh! Jesus Christ!
I’m sorry! That was bad.
Oh, fuck!
Sorry. I feel like I got it.
Ooh!
We should try something else.
No, I think we’re good for the night.
Let’s try something else.
We’re done. You got it.
Should I drive?
[wind blows]
[car engine rumbles]
[brakes squeal]
[engine cuts off]
What’s actually in there?
Burger wrappers, unpaid bills, just a bunch of shit, it doesn’t matter.
It is shut tight.
You ready to do this?
I think so. Definitely DXP.
I’m like a level three hit man max, so.
Level three, like I gotta level up.
Kid, isn’t there something you’d rather be doing with your life than talking about this nerd shit?
Like what about that gnarping, what is it, larky?
It’s LARPing.
LARPing, whatever the fuck.
I’m quitting anyway, so, alright.
Why is that? Because you want to, or your dad wants you to?
I dunno.
But you gotta understand that your dad is coming from a place of being a dick.
My dad was a dick too.
He ran over my bicycle, sold my cat to a gypsy.
Real asshole.
Alright, it’s time, let’s go.
[Tommy] Remember, we’re Russian.
[ominous music plays]
[speaks with heavy accent]
Hellos!
You’re the Russians?
Da, I am Boris.
Eh… he is–
Boris.
You’re both Boris?
Da, da, I am big Boris, and he… retard Boris.
That’s why he’s so small.
One second.
Yeah, they’re here.
Da!
He wants to talk to you.
[Tommy] Ah.
Hellos.
[Seamus] Is this the retarded Boris?
Um, no, this big Boris.
[Seamus] You’re a bit early mate.
Ah, it makes good impression.
[Seamus speaking Russian]
Nyet, I need practice English.
[Seamus] Ah, fair enough.
We spent a bit of time in Petersburg.
Yeah.
[Seamus] Whereabouts you from in Russia?
The Gulag.
[Seamus] I spent some time in the Gulag.
Many, many, many time, yeah.
[Seamus] Who’s your favorite author?
Tolstoy.
Toy Story?
[Seamus] What?
Toy Story.
I love… Woody… yeah!
[Seamus] I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.
Just come in.
Yeah, he says we go in.
Come on.
You bring the money?
I see product first, yes?
Fair enough.
Alright.
I sample?
By all means.
[loud sniff]
Oh!
Oh!
Da!
I need more sample.
Why not?
[loud sniff]
Oh! Yeah!
Don’t you think you’re being a bit rude?
You gonna sample all of this without your mate?
No, no, no, that’s not good for his retard brain.
Oh, come on, come on.
You give it a go.
Don’t let him hog this, you never know.
It might just be good for you.
Yeah, nauh.
Yeah, okay.
Sure!
Da.
[loud sniff]
Whoo!
[Seamus laughing] Shite!
Can you imagine if we actually healed the little cunt?
[all laughing nervously]
Give me the money.
[locks twirling]
[phone vibrates]
[Thug 2] Hello.
Give me the code.
Ah, is a…
[Russians] Da, tell Seamus we’ll be there soon.
[locks twirling] Four…
[locks twirling]
This a joke?
[pistol fires]
[dramatic music plays]
[shouting and grunting]
[dramatic music continues]
[shouting and grunting]
[wet slashing stab]
[gurgling and spluttering]
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Just take the fucking drugs, and go, man.
We’re not here for the drugs.
We’re here for your brother.
Alistair?
Yeah.
Is this personal or professional?
Professional! So professional.
What kind of asshole sends a kid to a hit?
My dad, my dad’s that asshole.
Huh?
My brother has gone insane, he’s no threat to anyone.
Oh yeah, then why is he talking to the police?
Yeah, why is he talking to the police? Huh?
Okay, why don’t you go drink some water?
Yeah.
I got this.
Alistair is afraid of going to hell for all the killings.
He needed to atone.
But he’s over that now, it won’t happen again.
And I’ve got him taking his medi…
[water gurgling]
…cation, Jesus!
Okay, that’s enough water.
That’s enough, okay, come on.
[Julian] Oh.
All right, I’ll hold that.
Okay, I tell you what, you let me see it for myself.
And if you’re telling me the truth, I’ll let him go.
Fine.
Yeah.
All right.
God!
[dramatic music plays]
[Tommy] Hey! Hold up!
[door clatters open]
[engine starts, accelerates]
[wheels screech]
Fuck!
[Tommy] Come on, get in the car.
[Tommy] What the fuck was that?
[Julian] Living life, man.
Don’t ever do that again, please.
Have you seen an optometrist before?
I feel like you’re nearsighted or something.
What?
Yeah, because back in the trailer, you nailed that first guy, you know.
But when it comes to targets at a distance, you’ve just got problems.
I think you’re talking about farsighted, not nearsighted.
Farsighted is when you can’t see near, nearsighted is when you can’t see far, know what I mean?
Who the fuck cares, I see just fine.
[Julian] Yeah, I think it’s him.
You see him?
Is that him? Is that him?
Yeah, it’s him.
Faster!
Would you relax?
We need him to take us to Alistair.
Lamest car chase ever.
This is not a car chase.
It is a car chase.
It’s not a car chase.
You’re high.
I feel great.
[engine turns off]
[car door bangs closed]
[car engine approaches]
[bar ambience echoes]
Alistair, what the hell are you doing here?
I told you, wait at the casino until the deal is done.
I have a question to ask you, Seamus.
Best you tell the truth.
No, no, we don’t have the time.
Alright, alright, ask the damn question.
Did you lay with Billy Sullivan’s goat?
No, no, that was you.
You were six months in prison for that, I told Ma that you were in there for robbing a bank.
But it came out in the papers.
So, please, can we go now?
No, I’m returning a purchase.
A purchase? What purchase?
This is a fucking bar.
I won’t leave until I get my money.
Alistair, there are bad people looking for you.
What the fuck are those for?
Best you always be prepared, little brother.
I’d like to return these, please.
[Seamus] Would you at least take your pill?
Not until my business here is done.
Sorry, man, what am I supposed to do with these?
You sold me the wrong fucking box.
Alistair, please, can we go now?
Look, man, I don’t know what you’re on, but…
Take the fucking condoms, and give the man his cash.
[Alistair mumbling]
[Alistair and Seamus mumbling]
[Alistair] I know you.
Shhhh…
[car door closes]
Not a word. Just drive.
Are you serious? Does he look like a threat to you?
Watch this.
Oh, Uncle Mickey, that tickles.
[Alistair] Mmhmm, Uncle Mickey.
I wanna take Alistair back to the UK with me.
I’m prepared to let the business go, and disappear for good.
We can’t do that.
We have to kill you and send pictures to my dad.
Then Alistair and I will play dead.
You take the pictures.
You send them to your dad.
Call him, tell him the job is done. We disappear.
No one’s gotta kill anyone.
No. Drive.
Okay.
[metallic click]
Oh, really, Seamus, really?
You’re gonna pull the old grenade and pin trick?
You’re gonna blow us up, and your brother?
Better here than in the desert.
If Alistair and I are gonna go.
We’re gonna go our way.
Your guns.
Not a chance.
[pistol clatters to the floor]
Well, you can’t just
[pistol clatters to the floor]
What the fuck?
So, we all agree on the new plan.
Is that a yes?
[night ambience]
All right.
[button clicks]
[button clicks]
[Julian] Hey, did you get it?
Yeah.
You just push the white button.
I think it’s broken.
What are you talking about?
[Julian] You’re recording, dude.
It’s facing towards you.
Flip it around, dude.
[Tommy] Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.
[Julian] Now the white button.
Just take the fucking picture.
My neck hurts.
Should I open his mouth like a lion?
Just play dead.
[camera clicks]
[camera clicks]
[camera clicks] Okay. Got it.
Sweet shades.
You know it’s dark out, right?
Hey, it’s prescription, asshole.
Send that picture.
[Seamus] Yeah [Tommy] Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How do we know you’re not gonna kill us as soon as he sends that?
Well, I’m not gonna kill you or your friend over here.
Why not go back to your father, and continue with the story?
I promise you, you send the picture, everything will be alright.
[face slap]
[Seamus] What the fuck?
Damnit.
And…
That’s as far as my plan went.
[dramatic music plays]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I will snap his fucking neck.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Our gun’s for your brother, alright?
And then we all leave.
I’m not saying we won’t come after you, but it’ll be like a reset.
Okay, you got one gun.
I’ll give you the gun, you give me my brother.
Bring me his gun.
Show me it’s loaded.
[magazine clicks]
[Seamus] Give me the gun, give me the gun.
On the count of three.
Alright.
Three.
One.
No, one.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
[Seamus] Alistair!
God damn it.
Come on.
Tommy!
What?
They’re prescription, asshole.
I don’t know how…
Shoot the little bastard.
Are you seriously trying to shoot a kid?
He tried to poke me fucking eye out!
[Julian] Tommy!
Tommy, you gotta do something, man!
Ah, shit.
Ah, the hell with it.
Yes! I told you.
Move.
Get back, get back.
[fire crackles]
Okay, listen up.
You take this, there are six bullets left in there.
I want you to cover for me, while I go get that gun.
You sure?
Yeah.
Cover me!
You got this?
Yeah.
You’re doing great.
And go!
[Seamus] Get in! Get in!
Kid, you okay?
That was awesome.
Indeed it was.
Whoa.
[Tommy] Indeed it was.
[Seamus coughs and splutters] [fire rages]
[speaks with difficulty]
Alistair?
Our father was a drunken turd with a hickory cane.
[panting heavily]
Alistair bore the brunt of it, so that I didn’t have to.
He was a good man.
He was a great brother.
[fire rages] [Alistair coughs and splutters] Well, we don’t have a priest.
Could you say a few words?
[fire rages]
Uhm…
Strawberry’s aren’t berries.
They’re not?
No, but bananas are.
Something with seeds, I don’t know. It’s weird.
What?
[car engine accelerates]
[dramatic music plays] [fire rages] I’m coming for you, Tommy Ward.
[“East Side” by Smoother]
[Tommy laughs]
♪ Ever look in my eyes ♪
♪ I’ll take you on a ride ♪
♪ Down, down ♪
♪ Getting sleepy, fading fast ♪
[Tommy whistles]
♪ Lost inside this world ♪
♪ The dream of breathing
into you hurts ♪
♪ Meet me on the East side ♪
♪ Take you on a slow ride ♪
♪ Meet me up in Hollywood ♪
♪ Mmhmm with that
red dress on ♪
♪ One more time ♪
♪ Get together with that
red dress on ♪
♪ Get together with that
red dress on ♪
[music fades away]
You did good, kid.
What’s up?
I don’t know. You just, you remind me of someone.
Stand up for a second.
I hereby knight you Honorary Hitman, level 10.
I mean, I mean that is if you still wanna be one.
What?
Nothing, I just, I guess I’ve just never really… won anything before.
Ah in real life, anyways.
Well, now you have.
And I think we should go tell your old man about it.
Come on.
Julian, there’s something I gotta tell you.
[lever ratchets up]
[engine turns off]
I’m leaving.
Yeah.
I lied last night when you asked me if I had a family.
I met a girl a long time ago in London.
Moved overseas, we got married, and we had a kid.
Oliver’s his name, he’s still there.
Now she, is about to get married to a gym teacher and I need to put a stop to that real quick.
Why?
Because he sucks.
Alright, so, um, when do you have to leave?
Well, I guess that’s up to him.
Hey, there he is!
Welcome back, Bubs.
[Julian] Thanks.
Hey, Tom.
Let me show you.
What you got?
I am really proud of you, son.
Nice. Yeah, it was freaking awesome.
Tommy and I are just gonna have a quick chat, just wait in the office.
Take your time.
Out.
But I…
Out.
Don’t forget to turn off oven.
Don’t forget to go to that soul bicycle shit.
[Benson] Of course you don’t have it.
[Tommy] Is this?
[Benson] Yup, you’re going back to London.
Tonight?
And I’m giving you $40,000 because you’re gonna need it.
You just remind me to give it to you before you go.
Thank you, truly, thank you.
Do me a favor, thank me when you get there, okay?
I’m gonna go talk to my son right now, and pour yourself a drink, and I’ll be back to join you.
Alright. Hey, Ben.
He’s a good kid.
He’s a really good kid.
Okay.
[quiet music plays]
[door squeaks open]
You know, it seems like yesterday, I was telling people you wouldn’t amount to shit.
“My son is a useless bitch.”
“A bum.”
But all that’s in the past.
Something happened to you while you were gone, Julian.
You became a man.
This gun belonged to your grandfather.
He was a great man.
Just like you’re gonna become.
Welcome to the family business, son.
There’s just one more thing I need you to do for me.
Listen up.
I have a new business partner.
His name is Freddy Darby, and he wants to meet you.
Now, as you know, first impressions count.
Sure. I’ll do my best.
Great, and you’ll already have a leg up because you’re gonna bring him Tommy.
Right.
Ahh, what do you mean by that?
Once Darby’s done with Tommy, he’s gonna bring you to the guns.
That’s when you’re gonna call me.
Now, I’ve already paid for the weapons, so it’s imperative–
Okay, sorry, sorry, I…
I don’t understand.
Tommy killed a member of Freddy Darby’s family, Julian.
That’s how he ended up here.
That’s why he had to leave London.
Okay, so it must have been like his son, or his brother or something?
It’s not relevant, Julian.
Okay.
Um, listen, Tommy’s my friend.
Tommy’s not your friend, Julian.
He just told me that he couldn’t wait to get rid of you.
He told me that he had to do all the work, while you hid and plucked your vagina.
He said that.
He tried to sell you out the second he got me alone.
Why would he do something like that?
Why? I mean, to make himself look good, to hit me up for more money.
He just asked me for an additional $40,000 on top of what I already paid him.
I spent my entire life around hit men, Julian.
At best, they’re scumbags.
At worst, they’re Tommy.
Can I count on you to do what needs to be done?
Absolutely.
My motherfucking bubby.
Well, Julian wants to help you pack so he can spend more time with you before you leave.
Okay. Yeah.
I’ll just drop him back off tonight.
Yep, sure.
Alright.
Oh, and I believe there’s a mention of cash.
Yes, here’s the extra $40,000 that you asked for.
Oh, okay.
[Tommy] Alright then, come on, kiddo.
[Tommy] The last day in LA.
Somehow I hate it less now that I’m leaving.
You okay?
Yeah, it’s nothing.
Yeah?
You miss your girlfriend?
You miss your girlfriend?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Okay?
Alright. Alright.
[engine switches off]
What are we doing?
Normally, I’d never let anyone do this, but…
Have you ever driven stick?
What?
Hop out.
[Julian] What? Really?
[Tommy] Yeah! Really.
[Tommy laughs]
Okay. Here we go.
I’ll handle the stick.
You handle the clutch, that’s on your left.
Push that in.
Alright, press in on the clutch.
We’re in first.
Now just ease off the clutch.
Ease down the accelerator.
[car stalls]
[Tommy] Okay. Fire it back up, come on.
[engine starts up]
[Tommy] Ease off the clutch.
[engine stalls] [engine starts up] Okay, easy! Oh, okay.
Easy.
Put it in second.
Okay, I got you. Clutch.
There you go. Okay.
There you go. Look at that.
What do you think?
She’s a freaking classic.
Why are you stopping?
[engines rev from behind]
[tires squealing]
[ominous music plays]
[car doors bang closed] Oh, shit.
You wait here.
Hey! Tommy!
[Freddy] Tommy!
It’s good to see you, lad.
[metallic thud]
[Tommy groans] [Freddy clicks his fingers]
[Tommie grunts and strains]
[Freddy] Look at you, Tommy.
Look at this fucking place.
Fucking hell.
I’ll be lucky if I don’t catch hepatitis.
Oh, fuck off, Freddy.
You did well, boyo.
It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.
And you can tell your father that he’s held up his end, and we’ll take you to the shipment after we’re done here.
You got it?
Yeah.
Good, lad.
Now go wait in the car.
[Freddy laughs]
[soft squelch]
Is that a fucking hamburger?
[dramatic music plays]
[knife squelching]
[Freddy] Look at us, Tommy.
Two old pals reunited, which is why I didn’t understand why you couldn’t have just come to me in the first place.
And I came to the conclusion that it is because you are scum.
And if you had even the slightest shred of honor, you would have fessed up right away to killing my wife’s nephew.
Cousin.
Family is not to be taken lightly.
So now what?
[knife squelches]
[Henchman 3] Hey!
[knife squelches]
[knife squelches]
[Henchman 4 groans]
[knife squelches]
[Tommy] What about my family?
Your family’s fine.
We’ve been watching them to see if you’d try and make contact.
Did you know that your wife is remarrying?
Your son fucking loves him.
I can’t believe that my son is being brainwashed by a fucking gym teacher.
Oh come off it. He’s just a decent man who’s good with kids and a far better father than you’d have been.
And you’d be able to see that if you weren’t such a miserable self obsessed shit.
Right.
Have you dyed your fucking beard?
[door crashes open]
[dramatic music plays]
Hello, ladies.
What the fuck?
He’s mine.
Like hell he is.
He killed one of my family.
Killed me brother.
What he kill of yours?
My wife’s nephew.
Or cousin, or something.
Brother trumps cousin.
[Freddy] Says who?
Say’s fucking everybody.
He’s got a point, Freddy.
Well, wait, when did he kill your brother?
Last night.
[Freddy] Well, he killed my relation a year ago, so I’ve got priority.
I hate to downplay your grief.
But if someone killed me wife’s cousin, I just won’t be that upset.
I’d shrug my shoulders and move on.
I wouldn’t waste a year of my fuck’n life tracking down the killer.
Thank you.
[dramatic music plays]
Anyway, neither of us are gonna kill the cunt.
He needs death by suicide.
Wait, what?
Why suicide?
Because I want him to go hell.
[Alistair] Suicide is the only thing that guarantees it.
Is a bunch of horse shite, in my opinion.
Okay, so, he shoots himself first, in the chest.
Then I shoot him again before he dies.
That’s not fuck’n suicide, is it?
Do I get a say in this?
[Freddy] No!
[Alistair] No.
[Freddy] Okay, I shoot him in his kneecaps, then he shoots himself in the head.
Not the kneecaps.
He might pass out from the pain.
What about ah…
[binders snap] his feet and his hands?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Back up. Back up!
Easy, easy, easy, you fools.
[Freddy] Fucking easy.
Here we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.
And God, said, “Let there be light.”
[“Blue Danube” by Johann Strauss II]
[gunfire erupts]
[Tommy] Aaaah!
[loud thump]
Fuck.
[Julian] Tommy?
Tommy?
Hello there. I know you.
Mohammed, right?
What? No.
Shit.
Alright, it’s going to London, I just to know how much it’s going to be to ship it.
Now, this is a classic car, and I just wanna know you guys are gonna take proper care of it.
It’s a ’69 Grand Prix.
Why is that funny?
[phone rings]
I gotta call you back.
[phone beeps]
Hello?
[Alistair] Tommy.
Alistair?
I’d like to resume our conversation.
You need to die for what you did to me brother, Seamus.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to take a hard pass on that.
I’ve got a flight to catch.
You do as I say, or else I kill Mohammed.
Who?
[Alistair] Mohammed.
The Prophet of Islam.
No, you cunt, the boy with the stupid fucking haircut.
He was there when you killed my brother.
No, no. Hey, Alistair, you let him go.
He had nothing to do with this.
You try to tell that to him.
I’ll meet you where you killed me brother, you got an hour.
[connection ends] Alistair
God dammit!
[phone buttons click]
[Benson’s phone vibrates]
[phone vibrates]
[button beeps]
I know you can hear me, asshole, and I need you to listen to me very carefully.
Alistair killed Darby and his men.
Alistair.
You said he was dead.
You showed me the picture.
Yeah, I know, and you can feel bad about being a dumb fuck later, but right now your only concern is that Alistair has your son.
He took Julian. I need you to talk to him and tell him that you are the one that sent us to kill him.
And then maybe he’ll let Julian go.
Just, hold… back the fuck up.
So Darby’s dead?
That’s not the issue here.
Darby has a million fucking dollars of my money.
It’s the only issue here.
[Tommy] Are you listening to me?
Alistair’s about to kill your son.
Julian lost a million of my dollars and I have no freaking guns to show for it.
He ought to kill his fucking self.
And for your information, A man solves his own–
Fuck you, Benny.
Hello?
God damn it!
[phone smashes up]
[heavy accent]
You’re a monster.
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay.
Why don’t you cook then, huh?
Solve your own problem.
[tense music plays]
Well, Mohammed.
It’s been nearly an hour, I suppose your friend’s not coming.
You don’t know that.
I also suppose you’d be wanting a proper Muslim burial.
But sadly for you I’ll be tossing your body in a sewer pipe behind Denny’s.
Come here, little pig.
Can you feel that?
All the blood rushing.
Knowing your time has come.
[Alistair] Now.
On the count of 10, you pull the fucking trigger.
Okay, if you’re trying to make me commit suicide, dude, I really don’t think this counts.
You’re gonna do it if I don’t make you?
You suicidal?
Uh, I guess I’m still in the cry for help stage.
Shut your gob, you fucking donut.
[car approaches]
[Tommy] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hey, Alistair, no!
Now…
[Tommy] Let him go!
This just got interesting.
Julian, you okay?
Yeah, all good.
Are you here to finally pay for what you did to me brother?
Yes, so long as you let the boy go.
Very well.
I take it you brought your own weapon.
How do I know you’re gonna let him go?
Make a blood pact.
[Tommy] What?
No, no, no, you don’t have to do that.
Tommy] No, just cut the zip ties.
Crazy fuck.
Alright, let’s do this.
[tense music plays]
Tommy!
[Tommy groans]
Ah, get up, you fucking cunt.
I know you’re wearing a vest.
Damnit.
[inquisitive music plays]
Now, in the fucking head, please.
[Julian] Tommy, don’t do it.
Hey, what about your son?
Nah, he’s better off without me.
The truth is, so are you, kid.
I am a less than ideal father.
Shit, I’m not even that good at this killing stuff anymore.
Remember when you asked me about what happened and I told you that the job just kept getting harder?
Well, the truth is, I’m just getting older.
I thought lying to myself would make me feel better, but, just like that guy that my ex is about to marry, Ricky.
Ricky’s not such a bad guy, Ricky is…
He’s a gym teacher, Ollie will be all right with him.
Can we cut the kumbaya shite?
I want you to promise me something.
I don’t want you to listen to any of that horrible shit your dad says about you.
You’re a good kid, you hear me?
You’re a good kid.
You trust your gut and you do what’s good for you, do you hear me?
And if he gives you trouble, you tell him that your dead uncle Tommy told him to get fucked.
Tommy, Tommy, I don’t want you to die.
Well, here’s the thing, I can’t let you go dying either.
Here we go.
[empty click]
[empty click]
[empty click]
[empty click]
You stupid fucking scrotum.
I didn’t know there were no bullets left in there.
Well, did you bring another gun?
Ah, no.
Neither did I.
Wait! What caliber are you?
Nine millimeter.
Perfect.
[tense music plays]
[Alistair groans]
Okay, okay, okay, we don’t need to be doing that, buddy.
Was that the Tottenham Tickler?
Oh, yeah.
Where the hell did you learn that?
Urban dictionary, dude.
That was nice.
Just looked it up, man.
For a second there, I didn’t think you were actually going to come.
[Tommy] Yeah, I…
Fuck’n poofs.
Julian!
Tommy! Tommy!
[gunshots rings out] [dramatic music plays
[bullets ricochet]
Would you stop shooting my car!
This guy won’t fucking die!
Shalala!
You alright?
No, he shot me in the arm.
What do we do now?
Alistair!
Alistair!
What?
Seamus told me some things before he died!
About your father!
He told me, he told me about some of the things that he did to you.
About the hickory cane.
He was a real mean old bastard, that one.
Him and Uncle Mickey.
I took that hickory cane and I shoved it straight down his throat.
Took his insides out with it.
Yeah, he left that part out.
But you wanna know what the most important thing he said was?
He said, he said you tell my brother, I’ll see him soon.
[car door closes]
[engine starts up]
[dramatic music plays]
[bullets ricochet]
Oh!
[Alistair yells]
[Julian growls]
Oh, yeah!
Julian!
Ju…
Julian!
Oh my God, that was incredible.
Yeah!
Ow! Watch that arm, watch that arm!
There you go.
[Tommy laughs]
Wow!
[both panting heavily]
Is he dead?
I don’t know.
No!
Oh God!
I see the light.
I see…
That’s the sun, Alistair.
God, is that you?
Father, I see…
Is there anything you’d like me to ask?
Ah.
No, I think we’re good.
Yeah.
[upbeat music plays]
Yeah?
Alright, that’s it.
Finally. Yeah.
[Julian] I’m sorry about the car, I think it’s broken.
[Tommy] Nah, it’s fine.
It’s too expensive to ship back anyway.
[Julian] You were actually gonna ship it back to London?
[Tommy] Yeah, it’s a classic.
[Julian] Okay. You think my dad’s gonna be pissed?
[Julian] Hey, can I ask you for a favor?
[drum beat rings out]
[weapons clatter]
[dramatic music plays]
[triumphant music plays]
[Man whistles]
[dramatic music plays]
[Barnabus] Tristan Trollslayer.
Are you here to carry my chamber pot?
No, I’m here to end your reign of terror, Bobby.
[laughs] Hear that, boys?
What kind of sorcery is this?
[dramatic music]
[grunting and heaving]
[loud cheering]
[dramatic music plays]
Aaaah!
[metallic clink]
Ah!
[loud cheering]
[Barnabus] What the fuck, Julian?
That was sick, Julian.
[call to arms rings out]
Protect our fallen leader!
Charge!
[dramatic music plays]
[thump]
[thwack]
Retreat! Retreat!
Retreat!
What are you doing?
Casting a spell.
The fuck are you doing that for?
Lightning bolt!
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
[plastic clicks]
[Tommy] What the hell?
[hollow pumps]
[painful moaning and groaning]
[Tommy] Sorry, guys.
Mmmm! Mmmm!
Oh, fuck this…
Ah!
Enough! We yield.
[Julian] Hey, what the hell is that?
Did you think this was real or…?
Never mind, it’s… good job.
Thanks.
Yeah.
We won. We won.
Go on.
Hey, Erika.
Hey, Julian.
[Julian] Maybe you wanna go to a movie or something sometime?
Yeah.
[whistle shrills]
Okay, kiddos, today, we are gonna learn about self defense.
Alright now, it’s a dangerous world out there, and in these crazy times, we need to know how to defend ourselves.
Now, who of you can tell me [door opens and closes] what this is for?
Dad?
[uplifting music plays]
Uh, how are you, Tom?
Yeah, fuck off, Ricky.
[Tommy] Hey, buddy!
I didn’t think you were ever coming back.
Yeah, I know, but I spoke to your mom, and we figured a few things out, okay?
We’re gonna get to see a lot more of each other.
Things are gonna be different now.
You okay with that?
That’s a good boy.
Now.
[whistle shrills]
Alright, enough of this whistle shit.
[boys giggle]
Who here has heard of the Eye Gouge?
[“London Calling” by The Clash]
♪ London calling
to the faraway towns ♪
♪ Now war is declared ♪
Come on, honey. Where are you gonna go, you sad sack of shit?
You’re a disgusting little man.
I’m just being my authentic self. I’m finding my truth.
Fine…
Then, shalom, motherfucker!
[Benson] Fucking Darya!
All right, a man solves his own problem.
[gas purrs]
Come on. You want this.
You want this?
You wanna come get some?
[gas lighter fires up]
Come, blithering…
Oh!
[loud explosion]
♪ Engines stop runnin’,
but I have no fear ♪
♪ ‘Cause London is drownin’
and I live by the river ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ To the imitation zone ♪
♪ Forget it brother,
you can go it alone ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ To the zombies of death ♪
♪ Quit holdin’ out and
draw another breath ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ And I don’t want to shout ♪
♪ But while we were talking,
I saw you noddin’ out ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ See we ain’t got no Hyde ♪
♪ ‘Cept for that one,
with the yellowy eyes ♪
♪ The ice age is coming’,
the sun’s zoomin’ in ♪
♪ Engines stop runnin’,
the wheat is growin’ thin ♪
♪ A nuclear error,
but I have no fear ♪
♪ ‘Cause London is drownin’
and I, I live by the river ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ The ice age is coming’,
the sun’s zoomin’ in ♪
♪ Engines stop runnin’,
the wheat is growin’ thin ♪
♪ A nuclear error,
but I have no fear ♪
♪ ‘Cause London is drownin’
and I, I live by the river ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Now get this ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ Yes, I was there too ♪
♪ And you know what they said? ♪
♪ Well, some of it was true ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ At the top of the dial ♪
♪ And after all this,
won’t you give me a smile? ♪
♪ London calling ♪
♪ I never felt so much alike,
alike, alike ♪
[song fades]
[inquisitive music plays]
[inquisitive music ends]
