Jackpot! (2024) | Transcript

Jackpot! (2024)
Genre: Action, Comedy
Director: Paul Feig
Stars: Awkwafina, John Cena, Simu Liu, Ayden Mayeri, Seann William Scott

Plot: In the very near future, the Grand Lottery has been established in economically challenged California. The only catch? Kill the winner before sundown and you can legally claim their prize. New LA transplant Katie (Awkwafina) accidentally finds herself with the winning ticket and must join forces with amateur jackpot protector Noel (John Cena) to make it to sundown in order to claim her multi-billion dollar prize, all while dealing with Noel’s protection rival Louis Lewis (Simu Liu), who also wants to get her to sundown in order to claim his rich protection commission.

* * *

[♪ The Beach Boys: “California Girls”]

♪ ♪

♪ Well, East Coast girls are hip ♪

♪ I really dig those styles they wear ♪

♪ And the Southern girls, with the way they talk ♪

♪ They knock me out when I’m down there ♪

♪ I wish they all could be California ♪

♪ I wish they all could be California ♪

♪ I wish they all could be California ♪

[song slows, distorts] ♪ Girl ♪♪

[fast-paced music playing]

You got this.

You got this. You can do it.

♪ ♪

[crowd shouting angrily]

[yelling]

[tires screeching]

[angry shouting continues]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[tires screech, horn honks]

[man] He’s on the next floor up!

[indistinct shouting]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Lunchtime. [screams]

Eat this.

[cries out]

[grunting]

Oh. [chuckles]

[grunts]

[cries out]

[grunts]

[yelling]

[handle clatters to floor]

[news anchor] With record inflation and unemployment numbers soaring, the economy hit historic lows Monday.

However, in a positive sign, the stock market has gone through the roof, creating five brand-new billionaires today.

Topping the list is…

[speaking Filipino] You know I’m supposed to be retired on a beach somewhere?

[tapping]

Amihan?

[banging]

[speaking English] Ami, is that you?

[banging continues]

[glass shattering]

[gasps]

Do you know who I am?

Give me your phone.

[electrical crackling]

[alarm sounding]

[alarm continues]

What do you want?

[baby fussing]

Sir, please, whatever it is,

I’m sure we can fix it.

[baby crying]

You got any painkillers?

Of course I do, I’m a grandma.

Get ’em.

[shouting outside]

[man] Here. Over here. Come on.

[baby fussing]

All right.

If you really want to help me, then…

I’m so sorry, dear…

[sharp cracking]

[thudding]

…but I do know who you are.

[grunting]

Ah, fuck me.

[growls]

[baby fussing]

♪ ♪

We’re gonna be rich.

[baby coos]

[chiming]

Go, go, go! Clear!

[baby crying]

Don’t move.

We have a visual.

♪ ♪

[automated voice] Subject deceased.

[officer] We have a go.

[over radio] Jackpot confirmed.

We’re good.

Well, then, bring him in.

[♪ The O’Jays: “For the Love of Money”] ♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

In, guys. Come on, let’s go, let’s go. ♪ Money ♪

Come on, come on, come on, let’s go. ♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

[popping]

[gasping] ♪ Money ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

Congratulations, Tala Almazan.

I’m Johnny Grand, and you just won the Grand Lottery.

We’re going to LEGOLAND!

[Tala laughing]

And that’ll get me another 50K, right?

Don’t be greedy.

♪ Money, money, money, money ♪♪

[ominous music playing]

[♪ Sub Urban featuring BENEE: “UH OH!”] ♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

[man] You’re fucking joking, right? ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

No, our daughter did not get the part.

She totally shit the bed.

Got in the audition room and completely clammed up like an amateur.

I-I thought you ran those goddamned lines with her.

Well, it didn’t work, did it?

All she had to do, Leanne, was catch the baseball, wink at the camera and say, “Betty Butter is the best butter when buying better butter.”

I just fucking did it. I just fucking did it.

Well, it was a big job, Leanne, okay, and she fucking blew it.

Maybe she’d book more mature parts, Leann, if she didn’t dress like Strawberry fucking Shortcake.

Don’t you hang up. Goddamn it.

Oh, sure, now you can act, when there’s no one who can hire you.

That’s great.

Give me a goddamn break.

I don’t want to make a scene in front of your, uh, daughter because you’re her daddy and little girls love their daddies even when they’re assholes, but maybe if you weren’t such an asshole and asked her if she actually wanted to be an actor, she wouldn’t grow up to fucking hate your guts.

Thanks, Dr. Phil. How much do I owe you for that bullshit?

[scoffs]

Why don’t I report you to child services for child abuse?

You know, I’m off duty, but I can definitely still arrest you, if you want.

You’re a cop?

Officer Katherine Kim, Ventura County license 62638.

So, I highly suggest you start treating your daughter like a human being as opposed to a fucking ATM.

Yeah.

[clicks tongue]

[sighs]

I really do like your dress, sweetie.

Sorry for all the bad words.

I only curse when your mom’s being a fucking bitch.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Oh, yeah.

It’s, uh, 4:30.

Uh-huh.

You’re a little young for a cop.

Um…

Well, I’m not a cop.

[whispers] I’m an actor.

[̈laughing] I knew it.

You’re pretty good.

Thanks.

Yeah, I just hate fuckers like that.

[woman] Yeah.

So, what would I have seen you…?

All right, did you play a businesswoman who moved to a small town and learned to love Christmas again?

No.

Then I probably wouldn’t have seen you.

Hmm.

I’ve been, uh, out of the business for a while.

And now you’re back?

Yeah.

Me and millions of other people.

My dear, you listen.

There’s only one you.

You are unique and you have your own voice.

Now, you just be true to who you are.

You’re gonna make it, I can feel it.

Oh.

Well… thanks.

That was really nice.

Now, what’s your name?

Because I want to keep an eye out for you when you’re famous.

Katie. Katie Kim.

[bell dings]

Oh, well, Miss Kim…

[doors hissing open]

…I hope your legs fall off?

I-Isn’t that what actors say?

Yeah, that’s exactly what they say.

Thank you so much.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Oh, my God. That Golden Girl bitch stole my watch.

What the fuck?

[scoffs]

[sighs]

[ominous music playing]

Yeah, thanks for nothing.

[sighs]

[GLN anchor] …and due to multiple winnerless rollovers prompting record-breaking ticket sales, tomorrow’s jackpot in the monthly Grand Lottery now stands at a whopping and historic $3.6 billion.

We’ve never seen anything like this before…

[♪ Partners in Kryme: “Turtle Power!”] ♪ T-U-R-T-L-E power ♪

[man singing along] ♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ On the half shell, they’re the heroes four ♪

♪ In this day and age, who could ask for more? ♪

♪ The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious ♪

♪ All police and detectives are furious ♪

♪ ‘Cause they can’t find the source of this lethally evil force ♪

♪ This is serious, so give me a quarter ♪

♪ This is serious, man, give me a quarter ♪

♪ I was a witness, get me a reporter ♪

♪ Call April O’Neil in on this case, eh, you better hurry up…

Protect and earn.

[♪ Weezer: “Beverly Hills”] [drumroll, cymbal crashes]

[rhythmic clapping along to music]

[indistinct chattering]

♪ Where I come from isn’t all that great ♪

♪ My automobile is a piece of crap ♪

♪ My fashion sense is a little wack ♪

♪ And my friends are just as screwy as me ♪

♪ I didn’t go to boarding schools ♪

♪ Preppy girls never looked at me ♪

♪ Why should they? I ain’t nobody ♪

[horns honking]

♪ Got nothing in my pocket ♪

[angry shouting]

♪ Beverly Hills ♪

Um…

Excuse me, sir. Uh, what’s going on?

Is there an evacuation or something?

Lottery Day tomorrow.

♪ Livin’ in Beverly Hills ♪

Lottery Day? What does that mean?

Lottery Day.

No, yeah, I heard you. It’s just I’m new in town,

so I’m not really up on the L.A. stuff.

Read the sign.

Oh.

♪ Beverly Hills ♪

♪ That’s where I want to be ♪

♪ Gimme gimme, gimme gimme ♪

♪ Livin’ in Beverly Hills ♪♪

[distant siren wailing]

Well, at least the neighborhood’s diverse.

It smells like shit and piss.

[gunshots]

[man] Get in the back!

Get in the back of the car!

Ta-da.

Oh, wow.

It looks a little different from… the Airbnb photos.

Yeah, I think the lighting is different. [spits]

Well, the entire room is different.

Oh, yeah, no, it was a different house, ’cause we use fake photos.

‘Cause, like, who’s gonna stay here if we don’t?

Wow, I’ve never been catfished by a house before.

[forced laughter]

What?

Oh, wow. Okay.

That’s interesting. Is this you?

Oh, my God. Yeah, that’s me.

That’s my manifestation board.

You gotta manifest the stuff you want

or else bad stuff’s gonna happen to you, dude.

This is a nice, nice little bed here.

Hmm.

[metallic clanging]

So, why are you here?

Are you here for, like, pleasure or pain or…

No, I’m an actress.

Yeah, me, I’m a marine biologist at NASA.

Why would NASA need a marine biologist?

Psych, bitch.

[cries out]

[laughing]

I got you. I totally fooled you.

[laughs nervously] Yeah.

I’m an actress, too.

Actress recognize actress, okay?

[Katie stuttering]

[phone buzzing]

Are you gonna get that?

[buzzing continues]

The phone?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God. ‘Cause I know…

Yeah, it’s my fucking mom. Bye.

Oh.

She calls me all the time.

I haven’t answered in two years.

How ’bout that?

[grunts]

Then she just calls and calls and calls. And she’s like,

“Shadi, I love you.”

“Shadi, I miss you.”

“Shadi, how are you?”

Hmm. That’s sweet.

Fucking asshole.

My mom’s dead.

Lucky.

[man] Yo!

[door closing]

Oh, my God, DJ’s here. DJ.

DJ. DJ.

DJ!

DJ!

Oh, my God.

Wh-why don’t you just go out…

I can’t wait for you to meet him. You’re gonna literally die.

He’s a deejay named DJ.

Wow.

I, honestly, I think his parents were fucking psychic.

Right.

You’ve got to meet DJ. Come on.

Oh.

Baby!

Baby!

You see how big the jackpot is?

Oh, my God.

[DJ] Like, what, like, $3 billion.

That’s, like, twice as much as a million.

That’s so…

This door!

[Shadi] Yeah. That’s us. That’s you and me.

That’s you and me. That’s you and me.

That’s you and me.

Come here, come here.

[Shadi grunting]

[Shadi and DJ laughing]

[Shadi] Okay.

This is DJ.

This is him.

Hi.

Hey, I’m DJ.

Uh, really cool to meet you. Yeah.

Yeah, you, too.

Do you guys have a house key?

Yeah. Oh, here you go.

Oh.

Yeah, just go for it.

Thank you. Thank…

[gasps] Oh.

[Shadi] Oh.

Oh, shit. Oh, I’m so sorry.

What the fuck was that?

Babe?

I thought you were gonna dodge it.

Why?

Look at your bag. It says you go to fighting school.

Oh. Okay, what the fuck is stage fighting?

It’s fake fighting for movies.

Wait, they fake fight in movies?

Can I have the fucking keys, please?

Could you chill. Could you just chill.

No.

May I have the house keys, please?

Yeah, sure. Here you go.

Thanks.

Ooh.

You got quick hands, Katie.

[Shadi] That was a good catch.

That was a great catch.

[door slams shut]

Mm.

What’s her problem?

She’s an actress.

[helicopter blades whirring]

[bass music bumping nearby]

[crowd chattering]

[distant siren wailing]

[Katie] Fuck.

[phone chimes]

No, we’re not cool.

[bass music continues]

[crowd chattering]

[ominous music playing]

Hey there.

[upbeat music playing]

Did you just win the Grand Lottery?

[cash register rings]

Is every citizen of Los Angeles now trying to murder you so they can win an unimaginably large sum of money?

Well, you can turn to me, Noel Cassidy.

[echoing] I will get you to sundown.

[echoing] Sundown, sundown.

[liquid burbling]

[TV continues playing indistinctly]

[intriguing music playing]

[sniffing]

Oh, what the…?

[flies buzzing]

Oh, shit.

[sniffs] Oh!

What… What is that?

What the fuck is that?

Is this my new friend, Katie Kim?

Did it rain last night?

‘Cause there seems to be a pretty big leak in your ceiling.

That’s crap. It doesn’t rain in L.A.

No, I’m not lying. There really is a leak in your ceiling.

No, I know it’s leaking.

That’s actual crap. We have a sewage thing.

Um, it’s just that all of my-my clothes are wrecked and-and I have a showcase in a couple hours.

Man, Katie, I feel so bad about this.

Like, let me make it right.

Why don’t you pay me to rent my clothes?

You want me to pay you?

It’s your sewage on my clothes.

Whoa, it’s not my sewage.

It’s the people upstairs.

My sewage leaks on Mrs. Kachekarian.

Okay.

[flies buzzing]

How much for the clothes?

Uh… $40. That’s the going rate.

[frustrated growl]

Fine.

Great.

Oh, this is going to be so fun. We’re going to look like twins.

[sighs]

Worth every penny.

[horn honking]

You going to Comic Con or something?

No. Why do you say that?

If you’re not going to Comic Con, why are you dressed like the British robot from Star Wars?

How far are we from the destination?

Wait a second, are you famous?

I recognize you.

Uh-huh.

I do.

It’s possible. I was in…

Are you in that video where you put a can of Monster up your butt?

No, that wasn’t me.

It was orange flavor.

You think the flavor would jog my memory?

I don’t know what it’s like to shove something like that up my butt.

I don’t either.

I worked with a ton of celebrities when I did construction.

I actually installed Machine Gun Kelly’s panic room.

What does Machine Gun Kelly have to panic about?

Running out of skin to tattoo?

What do you think I’d panic about?

Not talking?

Bingo.

Awesome. I think I’m gonna put my headphones in

for the rest of the ride, if that’s okay with you.

Okay, keep the volume low so you can hear me when I say stuff.

[man over radio] Okay, make sure to thumb-print those lotto tickets, L.A.,

because we are just ten minutes away from drawing our biggest jackpot winner yet.

[upbeat music playing]

Great. They’re rebooting Barbie.

Katie Kim.

Oh, yes, present.

[scoffs]

All right, so, we’re just about ready for you,

but first, that’s going to be $400.

Oh.

Because it had said $200 online.

Yeah, that’s our online price.

In person, it’s $400.

Oh. Well, in that case, maybe I can go get a computer and just do that online.

Oh, I wish. That’d be so great, right?

Unfortunately, you’re here,

in person, so it’s $400.

[sighs]

Are you serious about being famous?

Yeah.

Oh. Real cash.

It’s retro.

Yeah.

Okay, come on in, and hey, smile. It’s your big break.

Come on.

‘Kay.

Oof.

[door closes]

Hi. I’m Katie.

You just come from some sci-fi thing?

Oh. [laughs] No, I…

Any acting experience?

Yeah, totally.

Uh, mostly when I was younger.

You couldn’t turn on the TV in the mid-2000s without seeing me.

Oh, are you the kid from the Spaghetti Squares commercials?

Yeah. “Who cares? It’s Spaghetti Squares.”

Well, we are honored to have canned pasta royalty in our presence.

[clears throat]

So, anything since Spaghetti Squares?

I was taking care of my sick mom back in Michigan,

and, uh, just got back into town and ready to act.

You left your mom by herself?

Is she okay?

No, she died.

No, so she’s not.

Which I thought was implied.

Oh.

Did you kill her?

No, um…

All right, well, is this your monologue, or did you prepare something?

No, I-I… Sorry, I have something, yeah.

[automated voice] Registering player for the next draw.

Good luck, Katie Kim.

Hey, Spaghetti Squares, are you ready? We got a lot of girls waiting.

Yeah, yes. I’m going to start.

You should really have that memorized.

I do, I do. I’m sorry.

Real actors are always off-book.

Yes, and I am also a real actor, so I will be going off-book.

Enough!

That’s enough now.

From all of you.

You think water moves fast?

Well, you should see ice.

It moves like it has a mind.

Like it killed the world once…

Touch your toes.

Is that from Deep Blue Sea?

Uh… [chuckles]

Sorry, I-I, I just, I had more.

I want to know if you’re flexible, so touch your toes, please.

Why?

‘Cause we want to see how vulnerable you are.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Could I see you, uh, jiggle a little?

Give me my money back.

You paid to be seen. You were seen.

Libby.

Oh, that’s me.

Hi.

Hi. Good to see you.

Hey. Don’t let them get to you.

You are worth so much more than this.

Thank you. I, like, I really needed to hear that today.

Hey.

Don’t let them get to you.

You are worth so much more than this.

Don’t let them get to you.

You are worth so much more than this.

So much…

Break a leg.

You break a leg, bitch.

Break your entire fucking body.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[multiple cards buzzing]

[buzzing continues]

[woman gasps]

[whispering] Are you seeing it’s her?

[suspenseful music playing]

[Katie] Oh.

Excuse me.

Oh, I-I definitely didn’t get the part, so there’s no need for the death stare.

[woman screams]

Oh. Oh.

[woman grunting]

Ow.

[woman groans]

Oh, shit.

[woman yells]

What the fuck, ladies?

“Break a leg” means good luck in the theater. Calm down.

Back off, Riley. She’s my jackpot.

[women yelling, grunting]

Congrats, girlie. You’re famous now.

And I’m gonna be rich.

Ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, oh, oh, not the heel.

Jesus. Hollywood’s gotten extremely competitive.

What?

[women grunting, growling]

[Katie] The fuck is going on?

She went down here.

She’s my jackpot!

[lock clicks]

[multiple cards buzzing]

Oh, come on.

[yelling]

She’s mine.

[man] My jackpot.

[yelling]

[grunting]

[man] Jackpot!

[screaming]

Oh, shit.

My jackpot!

She’s mine.

[man] You want some of this?

Everyone!

Time out! Hey!

What is happening?

Everybody back off.

Thank you.

She’s my jackpot.

What is that, a sex thing?

[yelling]

[yelling]

[grunting]

What are you doing? Let go.

[Katie] No. No, you let go.

Let go. Let go.

No. I will not let go.

Ma’am, ma’am.

We’re bonding. You can’t kill me now.

[grunts]

Hey, girl.

[grunting]

You’re better than this. Maybe you’re not.

Can’t we help each other out?

[woman grunts]

[Katie cries out]

Oh!

[man groaning]

Oh, my God! That’s your student!

No. No, please, no.

[man screams]

Oh, my God.

I’m so sorry about that.

Ah! God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Let me go. Let me go.

Wait, don’t, don’t let me go.

Don’t let me go!

[woman]…elbows to bring your knees.

There we go. Beautiful.

[groaning]

[grunting]

[gasps]

[multiple cards buzzing]

[Katie groaning]

Oh.

Oh, ladies. Thank God.

[buzzing continues]

Oh. You guys have the cards, too.

Uh-oh, you guys have the cards, too.

I think I’m just gonna go through the wall.

[man growling]

Okay, okay.

[woman whimpering]

I’m-I’m going with you. I’m going with you.

Wait up, Trish!

[shouting]

Ow.

[woman] Katie Kim, you’re mine!

It’s my money!

[yelling]

Door.

That’s my jackpot.

X block!

[woman yells]

[woman whimpering]

[woman] You’re dead.

I’m not here.

I’m just a haunted yoga mat, y’all.

[man yells]

[man grunts]

[yells]

[Katie yells]

Oh, ooh, I would faint, too.

Oh, what the…!

[strained grunting]

[gasping]

Don’t do it, Jessica.

[Jessica yelling]

[straining] Why me?

3.6 billion reasons.

What?

[loud crashing]

[intriguing music playing]

Now what?

[grunting]

No.

Ten percent.

What?

[man grunting]

[Katie yelling]

First five takedowns are free.

After that, it’ll cost you ten percent.

That’s freebie number two.

[men shouting]

[Katie] Oh!

[grunts]

[woman cries out]

That’s freebie number three.

You are really burning through them, eh?

I’m keeping track.

[woman] Go.

[Katie] Oh, my God.

That’s freebie four.

[woman] She’s mine.

Here, take this.

Gotcha.

[screaming]

Scroll to the bottom, use your thumbprint to sign it.

Sorry if the screen’s a bit cold.

[Katie] Sign what?

[man yelling]

That’s your last freebie.

Guy!

[grunts]

Okay, you know what, he was attacking me, so I’m not gonna charge you for that.

That’s just me being nice.

[sighs] All right.

Hey, why is there so much legalese in here?

Standard terms of service.

I don’t mean to push you, but it’s now or never.

Okay.

[beeps]

Okay, great.

[beeping]

Ah, congratulations.

We have a consensual business relationship.

[grunting]

Hold my coattails.

[man yelling]

[woman cries out]

Make your feet sharp.

What?

[woman grunts]

[woman screams]

[Katie] Whoa.

[yelling]

Oh!

[sharp snap]

No, no. [grunts]

Oh, hell no.

Oh, hell yeah.

[man] Whoa.

[man screams]

[groans]

[grunts]

I did not sign up for this shit.

[man screams]

[Katie] Oh. Oh, girl. Oh, girl.

[deep grunt]

[Katie] Ooh!

I felt that, too.

[straining] Right in the bean.

Okay, okay.

Okay, you done? Untie me.

[yelling ferociously]

You sure about that?

Yeah, wax off, bro.

[Katie grunts]

You got fast hands.

Well, I’m not looking for hand compliments right now.

I want to know what the fuck is going on.

And what am I threatening you with?

Oh, that shoots enzyme-protein-peptidebioactive constituent rounds

that cause temporary paralysis.

What?

Wasp venom.

Lottery security requires a specialized set of tools.

Yeah, you-you are holding that all wrong.

No, I got my finger on the…

Just it’s, no, you…

[yells]

Give me that thing.

I just want you to know that I’m not mad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Do you want them to choke on their tongues?

[man groans]

Based upon the last four minutes with them, yeah, a little bit.

I would love that, actually.

Okay, listen, the drone posts your location in 14 minutes.

We are leaving.

The drone? What drone?

[alarm sounding]

Okay, so the rules say your fans can’t kill anyone else

for your money, just you.

Also, your fans cannot use lethal ballistics… that means no guns…

but anything throwable is legal and, trust me, they throw some nasty shit.

Hold on, hold on. “Fans”?

I don’t have any fans.

[man] Hey. It’s Katie Kim.

[man grunts]

[Katie screams]

We should go. Car doors open.

[♪ Jacaranda: “MoneyMoney”]

[woman] There she is.

[man] That’s her.

[man 2] There’s Katie!

Hey, you really don’t know what’s going on?

I know you’re some sort of kung fu bodybuilder

that cares about the tongues of people he beats up.

I mean, that feels rude, but not inaccurate.

[engine starting]

I need the money!

I live in that food truck!

[clamoring]

♪ ♪

[angry shouting]

[buzzing]

♪ All I need is money, money ♪

♪ Get, get, get me some ♪

[man] Yeah, go, go, go!

Go!

♪ All I want is money, money, get, get, get me, get me ♪

Go, go, go!

[tires squealing] ♪ Get, get, get me some…

[buzzing]

Oh, wow.

That nice girl from the bus.

Good for her.

[woman] I gotta go.

Okay, Irene. ♪ All I need is money, money ♪

♪ Get, get, get me some ♪♪

Let’s go get some.

[man over radio] Only six hours till sundown, jackpot lovers,

so if you want to find Katie Kim,

you’d better move it.

[♪ Reel 2 Real: “I Like to Move It”]

Katie, you won the lottery,

and now anyone with a losing ticket

that kills you before sundown gets your money. Legally.

Okay, that’s murder.

Oh, not in California.

It’s just a chance at the big time.

Okay, when the fuck did this become a thing?

I don’t know, a few years ago?

How did you not hear about this?

Me and my mom just watched movies and emotionally neutral baking shows.

We didn’t watch the news. It was too depressing.

Yeah. But you gotta keep up with what’s going on in the world.

It’s your duty as a citizen of Earth.

Hey, look, the Shutterbug’s gonna post your location every 14 minutes,

but your fans around here, they’re just gonna see it tailing us.

[♪ LCD Soundsystem: “Us V Them”]

Oh, shit.

[man] Hey, hey!

Come on!

Let’s go!

I need you to put this on.

Get her!

[whooping]

I’m sorry it’s a little matchy-matchy, but I need you to protect the head, okay?

[bikers whooping]

[Katie] Oh, shit.

♪ The time has come, the time has come ♪

Oh, my God. ♪ The time has come today ♪

[tires screeching] ♪ The time has come ♪

♪ The time has come…

Helmet on, hold on tight, please.

[man] Go!

[Katie screams] Shit.

[sniffing] Huh, they used Clooney’s tequila.

I never got the tequila craze. I’m more of a gin guy.

You ever tried Artingstall’s?

I will buy you a fucking case of it if you let me out of this goddamn car.

[tires screeching]

Ah, God, be careful.

[tires screeching]

[Katie] Biker! Oh!

[man grunts]

Oh, shit.

♪ The time has come, the time has come ♪

♪ The time has come today…

Knives. Knives. Knives.

Uh, this isn’t mine.

Did you thumb-print that?

On accident.

Cancel. Undo. Force quit. Delete.

Get down.

How do I cancel this?

You really want to quit the lottery and miss out on all that money?

Yes, I do.

[stammering]

The only way to quit is…

[metallic clang]

[moans]

The only way to quit is?

The only way to quit is?

Oh, shit.

Goddamn it.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record,

but I told you to protect the head.

But the only way to quit is what?

The only way to quit is if you leave the city.

Okay, then let’s leave the city, then.

The closest Quit Line is just past the blue neon cross on the Grapevine.

Blue neon cross, Grapevine.

Let’s go before I fucking throw up in here.

Har-har. Nobody quits the lottery.

[engine revving]

[woman] Go, go!

[coughing]

Hey, you, that way! Shithead, that way!

Let’s go!

[shouting]

[bikes departing]

Hey, bootleg Captain America, I’m dead serious.

I want to quit.

Are you listening to me?

I want to get out of the game. Now.

Come on. You really mean that?

How can someone whose face looks so much like a giant ear

not hear what I’m saying?

Okay, you’re really bringing up some stuff for me there.

Kids at school used to call me Earface, okay?

Get me outta the game!

Okay, I will get you to the Grapevine,

but after I do, you should seriously consider therapy.

Thank you. And I will.

But I-I…

Wait a second.

What’s the catch?

What, what is that?

[distorted] You know what you’re doing right now?

No, I don’t.

[normal voice] You are looking a gift horse in the mouth.

[stammers]

[bikes approaching]

Shit. Windows up.

I thought you were having a stroke.

[♪ Armin van Buuren: “Blah Blah Blah”] ♪ All we ever hear from you is blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ♪

Ow!

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ All we ever hear from you is blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ So all we ever do is go ja, ja, ja ♪

♪ And we don’t even care about what they say ♪

Pull over!

♪ ‘Cause it’s ja, ja, ja, ja ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah ♪

Oh, fu… Oh, shit.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, shit.

Ah, ah, there’s swords.

Goddamn it. Oh, oh, oh.

You… will… not… stab… my… face.

Ow.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, the wasp gun. That’s a good idea. Yes.

Oh! Oh!

[screaming]

Bad. Bad biker. Bad biker.

Dude, she’s not a dog.

You don’t know that.

[grunts]

You drive.

[Katie] I-I don’t drive.

I can’t drive. I can’t drive.

Fuck, I’m driving.

♪ All we ever hear from you is blah, blah, blah…

[Noel grunting]

What are you guys doing back there?

I am a big man in a small back seat. Cut me some slack.

♪ And we don’t even care about what they say ♪

♪ ‘Cause it’s ja, ja, ja, ja…

[woman yelling]

[grunting rhythmically]

[cries out]

Here. Hey, could you pass me the helmet, please?

[muffled screaming]

Thank you.

Passenger door open.

[screaming]

[crashing]

What the hell was that?

You think I’m gonna kick somebody out of a moving car without a helmet?

I’m not a monster.

Hey, be more careful. I just paid this thing off.

Well, if you’re waiting for an apology,

you’re gonna be an old fucking man by the time that comes.

Katie, could you pop the trunk, please?

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, my God.

Don’t slow down.

It’s a dead end.

I’ve seen deader.

Holy…!

Hit the brakes.

[screaming]

[grunting]

Protect the head, bitch.

[grunting]

It’s good to see that you’re coming around on helmets.

[engine chugging]

Your car’s all fucked up.

It needs a tune.

You know, it’s not, uh, your fault.

You’re just driving wrong.

[backfires]

[engine chugging]

[engine sputtering, backfires]

Hah! We lost ’em.

Hey, what was your favorite part of the chase?

For me, it was, like, a toss-up between the alley and…

Oh, balls.

[both grunting]

Okay, let’s go. Let’s go.

One, two, with the… [grunts]

Oh.

Fuck!

Why?!

[sighs]

So you get ten percent if I keep going?

Yeah.

What do you get if I quit?

Zero.

But I’ll still help you. Get up.

Everybody wants a cut of me except you, huh?

Listen, Golden Rule: you treat people like you want to be treated, and then…

Oh, you dirt-faced me!

[grunts]

[cracking]

[groans]

Put your hip into that one, didn’t you?

Really hit the target there.

How’s it look? Good?

You look like a Muppet just ran into a wall.

Wow, that was wild. [sniffing]

I can smell my own face. Good job.

[gasps]

No problemo. I’ll just crack this guy back into place.

It’ll be back to normal. Easy peasy.

[cracking]

[grunting]

Fuck! Oh, shit!

It feels like my nose is tickling my dick hole!

Shit in my sneaker!

Ah, fuck!

Okay. [sniffs]

That was good.

[siren chirping]

Ah, shit.

Finally, some real help is here.

[car doors closing]

They’re gonna try to kill you, Katie.

[indistinct radio transmission]

[Katie] I am so happy to see you.

Everybody has been trying to kill me.

Oh.

[Taser crackling]

[cops grunting]

Shit, shit.

[grunting continues]

[cries out]

[high-pitched whining]

Sorry.

[Noel] Katie!

[tense music playing]

You came to Hollywood to get recognized, Katie.

Just embrace the irony.

[gasps]

[man, high-pitched voice] Pinky Pooh Pooh.

I love you.

[normal voice] All right, that’ll be 20 bucks.

[card chirping]

[music intensifies]

[alarm sounding]

Oh, no.

[man] I don’t see her.

Here.

[alarm continues]

Where is she? Where is she?

[man] Nowhere to run, Katie!

[high-pitched gasp]

[woman] Where are you?

[overlapping chatter]

Excuse me. Uh, one ticket, please.

Oh, sorry. We’re closed for renovations till next week.

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no, no, you’re safe.

Uh, come on. I’ll-I’ll just send ’em down the street to my favorite titty bar.

My daughter’s about your age.

And I think this lottery is immoral.

Thank you. And I totally agree.

And I also love Spaghetti Squares.

Oh, you rec… you recognize me?

Mm-hmm. [chuckling]

Cool. I got recognized.

[speaks indistinctly]

[woman, recording] Hello, and welcome to the Fameland Wax Museum.

Jenny from the block says have a great time.

Is that supposed to be J.Lo?

Looks like a statue of a woman asking to see the manager.

[breathlessly] Okay.

All right. Where the fuck are we?

[phone ringing]

[gasping]

Hello?

[Shadi] Katie.

Oh, my God. You poor thing.

I just saw the news.

Shadi?

Yeah, girl.

Are you okay?

No, no, I’m not okay.

I-I need to get to the Grapevine to stop the game.

Can I borrow your car?

Anything for you.

Like, where are you?

I’m…

hiding.

Where are you?

I’m at home.

But, yeah, I think you should just tell me your address

and I can, I’ll be right there.

[high-pitched voice] Ah, Pinky Pooh Pooh.

I love you.

You know what, I think I’m actually just gonna sit tight.

Hello, and welcome to the Fameland Wax Museum.

Shh, shh, shh!

Okay, got it. Um, I-I’m coming. Just sit tight.

Uh, uh, everything’s gonna be fine.

Okay.

Love you.

[hangs up phone]

[sighs]

[grunting happily]

Yes, yes, yes, yes?

Yes.

You got her?

She’s fucking in there.

In the museum? [yelps happily]

She’s in there.

But we can’t go into the museum, remember?

We’re banned.

They’re not gonna remember that we had sex with one of the wax figures.

That was a long time ago.

It was, like, three weeks ago.

Come on, babe. Get with it.

I’m with it, I’m with it, I’m with it.

♪ Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go ♪

♪ Murder ♪♪

[Shadi] Shh, shh.

[Shadi humming happily]

Sorry, we’re closed for renovations.

Oh, you two are banned.

What you two perverts did to the Tin Man keeps me up at night.

Wait, that was the Tin Man?

I thought we were fucking RoboCop.

Is she in there?

Who?

[sighs]

You’re a shitty actor.

Hyah!

Let’s go.

Let’s go.

Sorry about that, brother.

[maniacal laughter recording]

[whimsical music playing]

[man, recording] None shall pass.

[woman, recording] Hello, and welcome to the Fameland Wax Museum.

[gasps] Oh, shit.

Jenny from the block says have a great time.

[maniacal laughter recording]

Katie?

[whimsical music playing]

[man, recording] None shall pass.

[phone chiming]

Ugh, it’s my mom again.

I get it. Someone has to pick up your heart meds at the pharmacy.

I’m busy.

[whimsical music playing]

[man, recording] None shall pass.

Man, this place is chatty as fuck, huh?

[all feigning laughter]

Who’s ready to go to the Grapevine?

I mean, you guys got here so fast.

Wh…

Yeah, wh-what was so crazy about that

is, like, I thought we were at home…

Mm-hmm.

…and then I realized that we weren’t.

You’re not much of an improvisor, are you?

Fuck you. I’m great at improv.

I just need time to prepare.

Oh.

How ’bout you curl up with a good book, Katie.

Nice one, babe.

[DJ] Using my props.

Ow!

How dare you hit a woman? I will kill you for that!

[DJ screams]

[Shadi grunts]

[DJ grunts]

Ow!

Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Okay, hit her.

[both grunting]

Yeah, you guys gonna kill me? Huh?

What if I turn the tables on you with my staff.

Watch out. She’s gonna use magic.

Incoming. Staff memo.

[yelling]

[DJ yelping]

Oh, God, that was stupid.

[intense music playing]

[woman, recording] We are, like, so blessed.

Wait, guys, come on. We’re friends.

We traded clothes.

Yeah, and now you’re making me get your blood all over them.

[♪ LMFAO: “Sexy and I Know It”] ♪ When I walk in the spot ♪

♪ This is what I see ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ Everybody stops ♪

Enough! ♪ And they staring at me ♪

♪ I got passion in my pants ♪

Mm. Mm.

♪ And I ain’t afraid to show it ♪

♪ I’m sexy and I know it…

Stop being such a dick and just let us kill you.

Well, here goes Cher number one.

Here goes Cher number two.

They’re the Kardashians, you idiot.

What? Really?

Well, try keeping up with this Kardashian, motherfucker.

Who wants some head?

[yelling]

[DJ laughing]

♪ I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it ♪

♪ Show it, show it, show it ♪

[high-pitched scream]

♪ I’m sexy and I know it ♪♪

[recorded screaming]

[man, recording] Welcome to the murder room.

Wait, is that knife real?

[laughing] If it isn’t, this is gonna take a while.

[yelling]

[screaming]

[intense music playing]

Oh, shit.

[Katie shouts]

Owie.

No, no, no. Get her, babe. Get her babe. [screams]

Don’t get her, babe. Don’t get her, babe.

[clang]

[grunts]

[yelling]

[Katie grunts]

Oh!

Ow.

I got her.

[mechanical whirring]

We’re rich, babe. We’re rich. We’re billionaires.

Oh, shit.

Great. Now I’m the weirdo that cares about strangers’ tongues.

[moaning]

Get up. Come on. Get up.

Okay.

[Shadi growling]

[DJ] Oh, no, no, no.

Oh.

We’re locked in.

We can’t kill you from in here, Katie.

What? Girl, you cheated.

[Shadi grunting]

[woman] And here at the Fameworld Wax Museum,

you can see celebrities like…

Well, that looks like Katie Kim,

but she’s not dumb enough to walk around here like that.

That’s not Katie Kim.

Oh. Oh, shit.

That is Katie Kim.

[clamoring]

[siren chirping]

[tires screeching]

Holy crap. Did that look as cool as it felt?

[♪ Logic: “Bleed It”]

Watch your toes. I’m gonna peel out, okay?

[man] She’s getting away!

[woman] Go, go, go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No shoving.

Safety first when you’re trying to kill somebody.

♪ Bleed that, you be like, there ain’t life, no, no…

You stole a cop car?

Borrowed.

Oh, you’re hurt.

Uh, let’s just get you to the Grapevine.

[door handle rattling]

You get the money if I keep playing. If I quit, you get nothing.

And-and if you kill me, you get it all.

So why the hell would I trust you to help me quit?

Why are you trying to convince me to kill you?

Because you are making some solid points.

♪ ♪

Have you ever considered the possibility that I actually might be a nice person?

Yeah, oh, yeah, sure.

A nice person who, like, loves and wants a superyacht.

[scoffs] I don’t want a superyacht.

You so want a superyacht.

I don’t want a superyacht.

You do.

I don’t!

Superyacht!

Whoa.

Can you stop crashing?

You don’t get it, do you?

They’re going to post your location in less than three minutes, all right?

That means every asshole in a 50-block radius

is gonna know exactly where you are.

Jesus Christ, we need a bomb shelter or something.

Bomb shelter. Bomb shelter.

I have an idea.

Yeah?

♪ I bleed it, you know I bleed it ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

What the fuck?

Hello.

Hey.

You here to move something or…?

No.

No.

Oh, my God. Fuck. You’re the cat walkers. Duh.

You walk your cats?

No, uh, cat walkers walk my cats.

I’m not weird.

Uh, no, actually, we, um, we are here for you.

We are here for you…

Mr. Gun Kelly.

…Mr. Gun Kelly.

Why are you winking at me like that?

Why are you winking at me?

Oh, is this a sexual thing?

Yeah.

Yes.

Got it. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, so, um… [inhales]

No and…

Oh.

…you would turn my asshole into the Eye of Sauron,

so let’s not go on that Fellowship of my ring.

Fare thee well, my little Hobbits.

[angry shouting]

Forget it. You’re dead, you unattainable asshole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, shit, okay.

Hey, Seth Rogen’s next door.

He’s definitely easier to rob than me.

Hey, if you kill her,

remember to tip your friendly tour guide a couple mill.

[angry shouting]

Shit, shit.

[whimpers]

[melodic beeping]

Freeze.

[groans]

Panic room.

[shouting]

[tires screeching]

[intense music playing]

[cracking]

Time to manifest, bitch.

[shouting]

Where is she?

Noel, get in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

You can’t just steal people’s panic rooms, dude.

What are you, Jodie Foster?

He’s just gonna give everybody the code, they’re going to open the door.

We’re fucked.

Not if he can’t.

I’m sorry, Mr. Gun Kelly, but you know too much.

I-I really don’t, though.

Ow.

Ow!

You know, I’m more of a white wine guy, but this feels…

[slow motion]…pretty good.

Oh. Ho, ho.

They’re over here.

Shit, shit, shit.

[clamoring]

Where are you?

Fuck.

[man screaming]

Nice. Whoa.

What the fuck, dude?

I knew you were trying to kill me this entire time.

Kill you? [chuckles]

I was trying to save you… your face was just in front of my gun.

That is such a murder-y thing to say.

You just want my money.

Really?

Okay, you know, that hurt.

[clamoring continues muffled over speakers]

So, Machine Gun Kelly has a panic room.

What’s that guy panic about, running out of skin to tattoo?

Am I right? [chuckles]

Espresso?

The, uh, machine matches your outfit.

How’d you find out about this place?

Lucky guess.

God, there is no way out of here.

Yeah, I see that.

I don’t think you’ll need one.

He’ll be out for hours.

I think we can just wait the whole thing out in here.

Oh. Oh, what a surprise that you think that.

[scoffs] You want to open that door

and make a sprint for the Grapevine, be my guest, all right? Relax.

We’re in a hermetically sealed box.

As long as nothing unexpected consumes our oxygen reserves,

we’re gonna be completely fine.

Okay, can you stop reassuring me?

I am allowed to panic in a panic room.

[muffled banging over speakers]

We got some time to ourselves, so…

where you from?

Me, I’m a Massachusetts boy.

Not the Ben Affleck part of Massachusetts.

The part that smells like dead fish.

Interesting things about me:

I hold the World Record for Fastest Ironing of a Dress Shirt.

18 seconds.

I’m proud of that one.

I got two sisters, both in law enforcement…

one on the good side, one on the bad side.

Oh! [laughs] I’m a Hufflepuff.

Knew it right away when I read the book.

Took the online test… [snaps fingers]… confirmed it.

I have a single adult zoo membership.

And, yes, I do use it.

And every week I buy a bag of salad,

I don’t touch it, it turns to mush and I throw it in the trash.

Oh, hey. [chuckles]

Lucky charm?

Hey, man, don’t touch that.

Relax. I thought it was cool.

It’s stupid.

My mom gave it to me.

She always loved movies and movie stars,

so I decided to become an actor ’cause I knew it would make her happy.

She knew Hollywood was a hard place,

so she gave me this to remind me that she’d be proud no matter what happened.

I guess I still try to act because it… makes me feel close to her.

Did you, did you do okay back then?

Yeah, I…

I was in a bunch of stuff, mostly when I was a kid.

You make good money being a kid actor?

No?

You’d have to ask my dad.

Wherever he is.

Uh, well, you know, hey, look at that.

In a few hours, you’ll never have to worry about money again

for the rest of your life, so…

If you don’t kill me and take it all for yourself.

Wow.

Thanks.

I tell you I’m a Hufflepuff and still, still the suspicion?

I don’t deserve this negativity, you know, but I always put up with it.

That’s what my therapist keeps trying to get me to recognize.

[sighs heavily]

Sorry.

I want to trust you, it’s just that, um…

…I’ve been proven wrong every other time in my life.

Katie, let me tell you something.

[Noel sighs]

Once, there were four baby turtles

who were thrown into a sewer and covered in radioactive ooze.

And what did they do?

Did they spend their whole lives not trusting people?

No. No.

They spent their lives protecting New Yorkers and eating pizza.

So…

So, so…

You… you gotta find your inner Turtle power.

Can I be Michelangelo?

No. I’m always Michelangelo.

[laughs softly]

Okay, so tell me Noel,

why would you make me sign a contract giving you ten percent of my jackpot

and then five minutes later say that you’ll help me quit?

‘Cause here’s my list of priorities, okay?

One: Save people’s lives.

Two: Make enough money to continue saving people’s lives.

I love what I do and I’m good at it,

but that doesn’t mean I get the right to make you risk your life

if you don’t want to.

Katie, you’re a human being, you’re not an ATM.

[Shadi over speaker] Katie!

Oh.

[clamoring]

Oh, what the fuck?

[Shadi screaming]

[Noel] Who’s that?

Some enemy from your past, back for revenge?

Worse.

My Airbnb host.

I got a bad feeling about this.

[loud, angry shouting]

[yells]

Wake up, Colson Baker!

What’s the code?!

You beautiful scarecrow.

[laughs]

[Shadi yells]

What the fuck is she doing?

Done missed work for this shit.

[scoffs]

[intense music playing]

Wake your tattooed ass up!

[Shadi yelling]

[gasps]

Did I fall asleep in the pool again?

What’s the code?

Huh?

Do you remember me?

We hooked up in 2019.

It was crazy.

Um…

Fuck you. What’s your code?!

Oh, 6-9-6-9.

Ugh, that’s so lame.

[intense music playing]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, she has the code.

She has the code.

Fu… uh, fuck.

Fuck, fuck!

Fucking shit! Goddamn it!

Fuck!

Chill.

Fuck it.

What are you doing?

I’m getting us out of here.

Okay, okay.

Noel Cassidy for Louis Lewis.

It’s an emergency.

Okay, then, take the phone in the fucking bathroom!

Motherfucker! Louis, hey. Noel.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, I got a lot of nerve.

That’s why they call me ol’ Lotta Nerve Noel.

Yeah, I know, I know, fuck me, right?

Yeah, yeah, I suck, yeah.

Can you stop catching up with your gym bros?

They’re gonna come through the door.

Louis, I’m with the jackpot, Katie Kim.

Yeah, I don’t know how either, yeah.

We need an urgent Phone Strike on our position, please.

Yes, yes and yes.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, my friend. Thank you.

Give me your phone. Give me your phone. Give me your fucking phone!

What is a Phone Strike?

Gonna find out.

[clamoring]

You got the code?

I got the code.

[DJ] 6-9-6-9.

Machine Gun, you my boy.

[beeps]

[loud cheering]

[gears clicking]

[suspenseful music playing]

[clamoring]

[Katie] Oh, oh.

Kick that phone.

[high-pitched tone playing]

[crowd quiets]

[DJ] AMBER Alert? We’re getting an AMBER Alert?

Hey, don’t steal kids, y’all.

[sharp cracking]

[exclaiming]

Whoa!

[sharp cracking]

[panicked shouting]

Oh, shit.

[sharp cracking]

[cries out]

It’s the phone, it’s the phone. Baby, get rid of the phone.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming] My hand!

Ah, my face!

Ah, your face!

Babe, ow. Babe, ow.

Babe, ow.

You don’t look good. You don’t look good.

[screaming, shouting]

Go.

[man screaming]

Shit. I know they were trying to murder me,

but I’m not pro dicks on fire.

You need to go. Go, go, go.

Make it stop.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I’m sorry. It’s either a hurt dick or a burnt dick.

[screaming]

I’m doing it for your own health. It’s not going out.

[screaming]

[Noel grunting]

I’m helping you. I’m helping you.

Why?!

[blowing]

Just put some cream on that.

You’ll still be able to procreate. I think.

Babe. Babe, they’re getting away, babe. They’re getting away, babe.

Fuck this shit. Fuck this shit.

I’m outtie.

What?

I can’t go on without you.

You can.

Avenge me. Avenge, my queen.

Fuck.

[growling]

There’s your ride.

Thank you so much. This is…

Katie Kim?

Yes.

Yeah. You guys those male strippers from the billboards?

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, hey, fine.

Oh, uh, he’s with me.

He’s not on the list.

He’s on my list.

Well, our orders are only to bring you.

Okay, well… I’m the billionaire here…

and I’m not getting in the car with you Jason Momoa-looking motherfuckers

without him.

[Noel] Thank you, but we should go.

Okay.

Just get in.

Thank you.

[alarm sounding]

[alarm continues]

[tires screeching]

[Shadi groaning]

[man] Where’d she go?

[grunts in frustration]

Oh, you’re dead, Katie Kim.

♪ ♪

[whistles]

Bulletproof glass. New gear.

You guys must be doing pretty good.

So, you work with these guys?

Oh, no, I’m a freelancer.

I… called in a favor.

How you feeling?

How am I feeling?

Like I’m about to put some lucky therapist’s kids through college.

How?

Because I’m gonna need a lot of therapy after this.

Oh, I got it in my head

that you were gonna start some scholarship fund or something.

Oh.

[snickers]

How are you feeling?

Oh, don’t worry about me.

I was severely traumatized long before today.

Cool brag, weirdo.

[laughs quietly]

What happens now?

We’ll debrief you in Beverly Hills.

Don’t worry, you’re safe.

Actually safe.

Yeah, cool brag.

Weirdo.

I couldn’t think of anything, so I used yours ’cause I thought…

it got me, so I wanted to get him with it.

No, that-that was okay.

That was a good use. I think it… I think it worked.

We’ll work on it.

Okay.

[intriguing music playing]

[gate alarm beeping]

[Ash] We’re here.

[Noel] You guys really upgraded the place.

This must’ve cost a fortune.

You saved that many jackpots?

We’re the best, and we only want the best for our clients.

I thought you said guns were illegal.

We can use rubber bullets to incapacitate.

But kills have to be close quarters.

Minimizes collateral damage.

The, uh, creepy guy vibes aside, these guys are the real deal.

I mean, look at this place.

These guys could control Jurassic Park from here.

Except this time the dinosaurs wouldn’t get out.

[chuckling]

Katie Kim, welcome to LPA.

I’m Louis. I’m a huge fan.

Of Jurassic Park? I feel like a lot of people are.

That’s why they make hundreds of those movies.

No, are you kidding me? Of-of you.

I mean, most people don’t last 15 minutes without representation.

You’ve already made it several hours, pretty much completely alone.

That makes me so proud to say as an Asian man.

Well, I wasn’t alone.

Of course not.

You had all of our ancestors looking out for you.

No, I was with him.

Oh, you meant Noel. [laughing]

Okay.

Honestly, Noel was lucky the wind was blowing in his direction today.

I mean, signing a rollover jackpot as important as you,

that’s not a job for… no offense, Noel… but a hobbyist.

Luckily, he realized that and called us before it was too late.

Listen, I just really want to get to the Grapevine and finish this day.

Totally hear you, totally hear you.

But…

we are the biggest lottery protection agency in the city.

Your life is about to change, if you let us change it for you.

Hey, that reminds me. Um…

Please accept a little welcome gift, on our behalf.

It’s an official LPA phone… so sorry you lost yours in the strike.

Noel, use an Apple Store across the street.

I’m sure they got some cheap models left in stock.

Come on, I’ll show you around.

More of a Motorola guy, but fuck yourself.

[intriguing music playing]

[P.A. chimes]

[woman over P.A.] Attention. Lottery ends in four hours.

Oh. This is where you keep all the good-looking people.

[Louis] Sure is.

Not all the good-looking people.

You’re good-looking.

Pity shoulder pat… that’s brutal.

[Louis] That is our wall of winners.

In a few hours, your face… [clicks tongue]… is gonna go right there.

It’s been a while since the last one, huh?

[Louis] Yeah. Well, you know,

half the jackpots these days are so desperate,

they decide to risk keeping the commission rather than letting us save their lives.

Now, we charge 30% here,

which sounds like a lot, I know,

but, uh, we also have the highest rate of survival in the city.

[woman] Sir?

Thank you.

So, what do you say, Katie Kim?

Can we officially make you a billionaire?

Without that Phone Strike, we’d be dead meat.

So, they do deliver.

What percentage does Noel get?

Sorry, Noel?

Yeah. He saved me way before you guys entered the picture.

Yeah, I’ll tell you what.

We would be happy to give Noel five percent of our commission.

Five percent?

Wow, waiters must love you.

Fifty percent.

Katie, that’s…

Fifty percent.

Uh… okay.

Tell you what.

I think it’s only fair that Noel receive the same commission that we charge.

Thirty percent.

Say-say what?

Say 30%.

How’s that sound?

[chirping, beeps]

Excellent. Wonderful.

You made the right choice today, Katie.

I know that every single agent, myself especially,

we’re all here to kick butt on your behalf.

Really? Because you look more ready to challenge Celine Dion to a sing-off.

Well, I did always have trouble hitting the high note in “All By Myself,”

but, uh, I reckon I could blow her face off pretty good with these.

Slimline grenades.

You’re safe with us. I guarantee it.

Come on.

You can come, too, Noel.

[P.A. chimes]

[indistinct announcement over P.A.]

Come on, Noel. What are you doing?

Your fans are very smart, Katie.

They don’t wait for your location to be posted.

They just follow the drone.

I feel like you might want to use a different word than “fans.”

[Louis] Well, they’re rabid, I’ll tell you that.

And they want to get me almost as bad as they want to get you

since I’m standing in the way of their money.

We can hold them off here for a while but, uh, not indefinitely.

[Noel] What?

What, you build a bunker like this and you skimp on the windows?

Well, when the pot is $3.6 billion, Noel, we don’t take any chances.

That’s why we’re the best.

Makes sense.

All right, so here’s the deal.

First, we’ll dispatch a fleet of autonomous decoy vehicles.

Most of your fans will follow those, thinking you’re in one of them.

Once they do, we’ll exfiltrate you in a different vehicle

to a hidden underground fortress,

and, uh, from there, you’re home free, Richie Rich.

Isabella’s going to take care of you.

Miss Kim, follow me.

Oh, and, uh, Isabella, why don’t we make sure

that Miss Kim gets an outfit that’s, uh, not visible from space.

I-I don’t normally dress like this.

We probably shop at the same store.

My comfort zone is dressing like a husky tween.

[stammering] Okay.

[P.A. chimes]

[woman over P.A.] Agent Ash, call on line three.

Louis, uh, I just wanted to say it was really decent

what you did back there, cutting me in.

You did not have to do that.

I know.

Thank you.

I, uh, hope the past is just water under the bridge.

Hey, we’re cool.

All right?

It’s good to see you.

Would you do me a favor, just fix yourself up a little bit.

You look like Wreck-It Ralph after a 14-hour cocaine bender. Geez.

You look like…

Fuck.

Wow, this is how the other half lives, huh?

My doctor’s office is in a strip mall next to an El Pollo Loco.

Ow! Oh. [chuckles]

I hope my health care pays for this. Just kidding, I don’t have any.

Um, can I ask you something?

Shoot.

You been doing this a long time?

A while.

You save a lot of people?

A few.

Then what do you spend your money on?

Because, um, well, I can tell that you-you might not be spending it on yourself.

Excuse me?

For starters, you dress like a gym teacher at a funeral.

I was voted Best Dressed my senior year.

Ah, so you were homeschooled?

And you clearly cut your own hair.

My grandmother cuts my hair.

I’m just saying, it’s… it’s dangerous work.

And anyone with their head screwed on right would make their money and stop.

So, uh, well, why haven’t you?

Thanks.

That’s a fair question.

Um…

I used to be a mercenary, private sector.

With Louis.

[door closes]

Our unit got sent all around the world to do bad things to bad people.

And we weren’t paid to ask any questions.

One day, I did,

and I found out some of those people weren’t as bad as they say.

I tried to convince Louis. He wouldn’t listen.

So I just bailed.

Right there in the middle of a job, but…

…because I wasn’t there, the mission went sideways,

and, uh, my unit…

Louis and I are the only survivors.

So the money I make, my ten percent, uh, goes to their families

and the families of the good people we hurt.

Oh.

Wow. That’s heavy.

You know what?

Because of what you negotiated with Louis,

they are gonna be getting a whole lot more now, so…

…thank you.

M… my dad was my manager.

He had me working my ass off since I was eight years old.

And then, on my 18th birthday,

I tell him I want to take charge of my own time

and my own money.

And he said…

“Okay, sweetheart. I’ll take care of you. Trust me.”

Then the next morning, he’s gone.

He took every cent I ever earned,

left me and my mom high and dry.

Then my mom got sick

and I had to quit to take care of her because no one else would.

She finally died a month ago.

Left me with $600 and a bus ticket to L.A., so…

here I am now…

trying to start over.

Katie, I am…

I-I’m not trying to compete with your story. Um…

I’m just explaining that my own father

didn’t hesitate for a second to choose money over me and my mom, so…

how was I supposed to trust you?

Sure.

But I do trust you, Noel.

For some weird reason, I-I do.

I think it’s because you look like a bulldog

that, like, a witch cast a spell on…

[door closing]

…and turned into a human, like, against his will.

You ever get that?

[footsteps approaching]

Yes.

Miss Kim, please put your face right here.

This is a prosthetics machine.

Go ahead and pick any face you’d like.

Oh, cool.

It’s just an extra added layer of protection for when you’re in transit.

If people can’t recognize you, you’re a lot safer.

[Katie] Oh, my God. There are so many different faces.

[departing footsteps]

Cool, cool.

Oh, I like this one.

[beeps]

[whirring]

[clicks]

[laughs] Oh. Oh.

This is, it’s weird in here.

It’s crazy.

Um, hey, Noel?

Yeah?

Why’d you get so upset earlier

when you were asking Louis for help in the panic room?

Is it ’cause you didn’t want to lose out on commission?

[Noel] Oh, come on, no.

There’s a lot of bad blood between us after what happened, okay?

I hated that I needed him.

But he seems to be past it, so…

I will suck it up as long as it helps you.

[Katie] He’s definitely still a dick to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That’s Louis.

That’s why I was so surprised when he caved in on the 30%.

Not like the old Louis, but I mean, people change, right?

[Katie] Oh, yeah, I’ve found that not to be the case.

I mean, do you really trust him?

Our lives are literally in his hands right now.

[bell dings]

Hey, girl, hey.

What? Too sexy?

Let’s go pee standing up

and make more money than our female counterparts, am I right?

What’s wrong?

This, this equipment, staff, the facility.

Those are huge expenses.

And moving out of this bunker doesn’t make sense.

You saw how long it’s been since they had a jackpot.

And the ones they had before, that weren’t that big, not big enough for all this.

So you think it’s a setup?

I don’t know.

[Louis] What don’t you know, Noel?

Um… why I just farted.

It’s probably the muscle relaxants.

Nothing loosens a sphincter faster.

And since I know what Noel usually eats,

I’d say it’s best we get the hell out of here ASAP.

Shall we?

Yes.

As long as you’re ready, Noel.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, we should go.

That’s a strong look, by the way, Katie.

Not many women could pull off a goatee like that.

[Katie] Oh.

Dig it.

Thank you.

[intense music playing]

Hey, Louis, uh, you sure it’s a good idea to move her out of here?

I mean, this place seems really secure.

Oh, if people know where she is, then it’s not secure, is it, Noel?

You’re not questioning my expertise, are you?

No. No, Louis, you know me. Always looking for a way out.

[P.A. chimes]

Ain’t that the truth.

[woman over P.A.] Attention. Lottery ends in three hours.

Okay, we’re in trouble, aren’t we?

Yes, we are.

I could never figure out why more than half the players

that killed jackpots this year requested anonymity.

Now it makes sense.

I think that Louis has been murdering his clients.

[Katie] Wait, what? No.

Why would he do all that, the-the decoy cars, the disguises?

He patched up our wounds.

I know, he has to. He has to make it look like the agency’s doing their job.

That way, the next jackpot does the same thing that we did:

walk right in here and look for his protection.

Katie, we’re in a honey trap.

Oh, shit.

Hmm? What?

Noel sharted.

[groans]

Noel, buddy, would you squeeze your asshole shut

and hold it in like a fucking man.

Seriously.

[whispering] What do we do?

I’m thinking. I’m thinking.

Just give me a second.

[metallic clattering]

[muffled clamoring]

See that, Noel?

A big breachable door with a bloodthirsty mob behind it.

Too risky. Told you I knew what I was talking about.

Well, Katie Kim, your chariot awaits.

Just hop on in and we’ll dispatch the decoys from the main exit

to clear the door and, uh, get you out of here to safety.

This way, Miss Kim.

Noel, you’re gonna ride with us.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no.

Uh, uh, you know, I’d really prefer to stick with Noel.

If that’s cool.

You’re much safer with us.

Sure.

Uh, but it just… and-and I don’t want to mansplain…

uh, it’s just that he saved my life four times today.

And he’s kind of a lucky rabbit’s foot,

except he’s the size of 80 of them.

Look, I know we all love big, dumb animals,

but as the guy who just saved you and that just a moment ago,

I’m asking that you give us a shot.

Um, I don’t know. I think we should just stay here

’cause that door seems, like, really strong and, like…

Katie…

I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.

Okay?

I’ll take care of you, sweetheart.

Trust me.

Okay, thanks…

Dad.

[♪ Beastie Boys: “Ch-Check It Out”]

♪ Blowin’ doors off hinges, I’ll grab you with the pinchers ♪

♪ And, no, I didn’t retire ♪

♪ I’ll snatch you up with a needle-nose pliers ♪

♪ Guaranteed to make your body rock ♪

♪ Check-ch-check-check-checkch-check it out ♪

♪ What-wha-what-what-what’s it all about ♪

Oh, shit.

♪ Work-wa-work-work-work-wa-work it out ♪

♪ Let’s turn this motherfucking party out ♪

♪ I said, “Doc, what’s the condition? ♪

♪ I’m a man that’s on a mission” ♪

Come on, Uncle Pete!

This murder lottery is no place for a older gentleman like yourself!

Kill Katie Kim! Kill Katie Kim!

[Katie] She’s worth $3.6 billion, yo.

Don’t lose her!

♪ The Rapping Duke combined, now, don’t test me…

Hey, this gets you to the courtyard. Take Louis’s Lambo.

The security expert left his keys on the tire.

What about you?

I’m gonna buy you some time.

I’ll be fine. Now, go, go, go, go.

♪ Smoke out a chimney ♪♪

[bleeps, buzzes]

[Ash] She’s escaping.

[grunting]

[high-pitched whimper, coughs]

Oh, you gonna cry now?

Fuck!

Ah, my balls.

Try jumping up and down.

[groans]

[men shouting]

[intriguing music playing]

[chiming]

[coughs]

Okay, Noel.

I’m only going to ask you this one time.

Where the fuck is my jackpot?

[groans]

Oh, man, I would remember, but I just got kicked in the face.

Oh, you think you’re fucking funny, huh?

[gate alarm beeping]

[tires squealing]

Oh, no, she’s escaping.

[sighs]

That’s not what you wanted to happen, is it?

These fucking decoys.

[grunting]

She’s in one of the cars.

Which one?

How the fuck would I know?

Put a team on all four.

I want eyes on every single camera in a three-mile radius:

phones, CCTVs, ATMs.

[Ash] Go, go, run.

[grunting]

[man over radio] We’re trying to track her phone,

but she’s deactivated the locator chip.

Fuck!

All right, what have we got from the cops?

Still nothing.

Okay.

[automated voice] Autopilot off.

All right.

[tires screeching]

One of the decoy cars just changed direction.

Take the 210 North. Go.

No, no, no, no.

Take the 5. Try to cut ’em off.

What are you gonna do?

The fuck I should’ve done in the first place.

Oh, my God. This just in.

Katie Kim has just lost the Shutterbug drone.

Which means that her location will not broadcast again until the end of the game.

Which means that, unless she makes a major mistake,

most lottery players will be sitting around

with their thumbs up their butts, doing what we’re doing:

drinking and toasting to our new hero.

[cheering]

Well played, Katie Kim, wherever you are.

[man laughing]

[intense music playing]

[phone chiming]

Hello.

Turn the fucking car around, now.

Uh, nah, I’m good, but fuck you very much.

Let me tweak my pitch a little bit: turn the car around or I’ll stick this…

in this oversized hunk of beef here.

Yeah, why don’t you, uh, go ahead and say something persuasive, Noel.

Katie, get out. Get out, keep going.

Don’t-don’t worry about me. Go.

[Louis] Your altruism is getting a little excessive, Noel.

You’re gonna have to skip leg day tomorrow.

[screams]

Hey, leave him alone. It’s me you want.

Exactly. That’s the idea.

[screaming]

Stop. The next one’s going in his brain.

Ah, Katie, don’t stop, don’t turn around.

Just keep going. Get to the Grapevine. Fuck this guy.

Yeah, fuck this guy.

What’s it gonna be, Katie, huh?

Okay, all right, I-I’ll turn around.

No!

That’s a good girl.

Now show me. I want to see you turn the car around.

I’m doing it.

[tires screeching]

[Louis] All right, I’ll drop you a pin.

I know a nice quiet place where your fans won’t find you.

If you’re not there in 24 minutes, well, the next time you see Noel’s face

will be when I mail you his fucking head!

‘Kay, bye.

Oh, man, fucking Noel.

Oh, you really think nobody’s gonna find her in here?

[Louis] Of course not. Nobody gives a shit about theater in Los Angeles.

[Noel] I do. I saw the last performance here.

Other Space: The Hip Hop Musical.

Vin Diesel was amazing.

Shut the fuck up.

[screams]

She’s smarter than you think, Louis.

Really?

She’s a wannabe actress who moved to L.A. expecting to have a good experience.

Yeah, she’s a real fucking genius.

Okay, so you’re gonna kill an innocent woman for what?

‘Cause your fucking bozos bought too many cases of LaCroix

for your executive lounge?

Don’t pretend like you don’t LaCroix.

It tastes like a drawing of a coconut.

Coconut is the worst flavor!

You cannot judge it based on coconut!

It’s a delicious zero-calorie beverage.

I’m tired of people shitting on LaCroix.

[panting]

See, this is exactly why no one wants to work with you, man.

You talk about these jackpots like they’re, like they’re fucking people.

They’re big walking ATMs.

And this one is the biggest fucking ATM of all time.

You really are a reprehensible chunk of wet shit, Louis.

Oh, grow the fuck up, you dick stain.

How do you think the world works? Huh?

It runs on money.

You know the mission that you bailed on?

Now, that… that was a fucking jackpot.

That family was guarding millions in gold for those warlords.

That money changed my life.

You never should have gone in there knowing what we knew.

You got all our men killed without me.

[laughing] We didn’t need you.

There was no danger in that raid, you dumb fuck.

There were no fighters around for miles, no one in the house was even armed.

It was the easiest fucking job of my life.

Just walked in, took out the family, grabbed the jackpot.

Th-There was no firefight?

Let’s just say I don’t like to share.

You killed our team for gold?

Yeah, I did, Noel.

It’s just business, okay?

High-stakes business, winner take all.

Welcome to the real world.

You evil fucking son of a bitch.

Oh, compliments will get you nowhere with me.

[line ringing]

Yeah.

[Isabella] Sir.

Have the team rally on my position.

It’s time to close this account.

[intense music playing]

Stupid Noel.

Why couldn’t you have just been a fucking asshole like everybody else?

[tires screeching]

Watch the clock.

You kill her one second after the bell, you get no money

and you get a murder charge.

So we go fucking fast and we go fucking hard.

[tires screeching]

Where do these guys keep their guns…

grenades…

Bingo.

Looks like a fucking SpongeBob gun.

[Louis] Katie Kim.

Center stage.

That’s a… deadly-looking weapon you got there.

What’s the range on that thing, like two inches?

I’m shaking.

Let him go.

[laughs]

You literally have zero leverage here, so no.

I don’t know, I have a little.

Oh, yeah?

See, you get all the money if you kill me,

but what happens if…

I do it myself?

Katie.

Let him go.

[scoffs]

You expect me to believe that you would kill yourself

for this guy?

You met him, what, four hours ago?

I said let him go.

Uh-uh, nope.

Not buying it.

Bullshit.

Bullshit?

I’m gonna die anyway, right?

So the only choice that I have left

is whether or not I want you to be rich because of it.

Let him go.

Go ahead.

No, go ahead. Pop your own skull.

I’ll just wipe your prints off the bolt gun and tell them I did it.

Not with a million of my fans watching.

Fuck.

[gasps] Oh, shit.

You’re crazy, Katie Kim.

What do I have to live for anyway?

I got no friends.

I got no family.

Everybody fucking sucks.

I came to this town chasing a stupid dream that,

deep down, I know won’t happen.

Not for me.

And you’re right, I did meet him today.

Today.

And that’s the best relationship I have in my life.

Isn’t that fucking pathetic?

Aren’t I fucking pathetic?

Katie, don’t do this. Please.

Why keep pretending things are gonna go my way?

So let’s just fucking do this.

Fuck you and fuck your money.

No, no, no, no, no, stop, stop.

Okay, okay.

I’ll let him go.

[key clattering]

Okay, now give me the gun.

Okay.

You win.

That’s a good girl.

Push kick!

[grunts]

[clanging]

Acting, motherfucker.

Bravo.

Daniel Day-Lewis wishes he had your range.

[Noel laughing]

[banging]

[muffled clamoring]

They know you’re here. Run. Run!

[♪ No Small Children: “It’s a Sunshine Day”]

♪ I think I’ll go for a walk outside now ♪

♪ The summer sun knows me by name, she’s calling me ♪

♪ I gotta get out, gotta get out, get aw ay ♪

♪ I gotta get away, get away, get away ♪

♪ Get away ♪

Whoo!

♪ Everybody’s smiling ♪

♪ Sunshine day ♪

We’re not gonna miss this one.

♪ Everybody’s laughing ♪

[man speaking Spanish]

♪ Sunshine day ♪

♪ Everybody’s smiling ♪

♪ Sunshine day ♪

♪ Everybody’s laughing ♪

Let’s go. ♪ Sunshine day ♪

♪ Sunshine day…

[man] Let’s go. Whoo!

[woman] Katie!

Oh, oh, honey, take the roast out of the oven in ten minutes.

I gotta go kill this girl.

Oh, love ya.

See you at the Hollywood Theater, bitch.

♪ It’s a sunshine day ♪♪

[intense music playing]

Oh, shit.

Hey, good to see you again, not a cop.

Ow.

Oh.

Time to die.

[gasps]

Oh!

[high-pitched voice] I love you.

Holy fuck.

[screaming, grunting in pain]

[door slams open]

Cops!

[Katie] Fuck.

[grunting]

[strained grunting]

Yeah.

[Louis grunts]

No!

Where do you think you’re going, you little shit?

[strained grunting]

You’re a loser with no friends.

What do you even need that money for?

What are you going to do with the money, buy more white suits, you fucking diva?

[Louis, strained] Fucking die.

[cop grunting]

Oh, shit.

Fuck off, mall cop.

[cop screams]

[piano keys clang]

[Katie grunting]

[loud pounding on door]

No.

[angry shouting]

Oh, shit.

[grunting]

[straining]

[♪ Partners in Kryme: “Turtle Power!” ]

Ah, fuck this.

It’s Turtle time, motherfuckers.

On the half shell.

♪ On the half shell, they’re the heroes four ♪

♪ In this day and age, who could ask for more? ♪

[singing along] ♪ The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious ♪

♪ All police and detectives are furious ♪

♪ T-U-R-T-L-E power ♪

♪ T-U-R-T-L-E power ♪

[screaming]

♪ T-U-R-T-L-E power ♪

[crying]

♪ T-U-R-T-L-E…

Oh!

Turtle power!

[dramatic music playing]

[straining] Stop being such a loser and let me kill you already.

[crunching]

[screaming

Fucking psycho! Ah!

A little help, please.

Ow!

I’m on it.

[others moaning]

[Louis] No, no!

[yells]

Finally.

[Louis] Where you going, Katie?

Katie, run.

My ticket, my jackpot.

Well, I gave you one star on Airbnb.

Now you’ll never be a Superhost.

Not cool.

Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.

No, I’m going to enjoy this.

[screaming]

Shit.

[grunting]

[cries out]

You’re fucking with my money, Noel.

Bye!

Owie, owie, owie, owie, I’m sorry.

No.

Wait. Remember all the good times we’ve had?

Like when my roof leaked human shit on you?

That was hilarious.

Call your fucking mom back.

[Shadi cries out]

God, I should’ve just stabbed you.

[overlapping shouting]

[whimsical music playing over speakers]

[overlapping shouting]

[grunting]

[clamoring]

[growling]

[angry shouting]

[cymbals crashing]

Katie, four minutes. Climb!

Oh, God.

[shouting]

Let me take that off your hands, Van Damme.

[power whirring on]

[suspenseful music playing]

Looks like it’s showtime, motherfucker.

Uh, excuse me, can I borrow that?

Maybe, can I…

[man yelling]

[cymbals crashing]

Yes. [laughs] Oh, shit.

Huh. After this, there’s an oboe going right up your ass.

[crashing]

[crashing]

[shouts]

♪ ♪

[crashing]

[metallic creaking]

Hi, Miss Kim. Good to see you again.

What?

Your watch keeps terrible time.

Oh, let me reset it for you.

[Irene screaming]

[loud bang]

Ouch.

[metallic creaking]

You know what? Good to see you’re okay.

Ow!

Excuse me.

[screaming]

[metallic creaking]

[loud bang]

[loud bang]

[Noel] Katie, two minutes!

[loud bang]

[yells]

[suspenseful music playing]

Whoa. [screams]

[grunting]

[yelling]

I’m coming, Katie. No!

[all grunting]

Where do you think you’re going, Katie Kim?

Shit.

[grunting]

Hey, Katie, girl.

Uh-huh, you’re a horrible actress!

Go on, bitch.

[overlapping shouting]

Katie, stay away from him!

♪ ♪

Oh. Ow.

Where you going?

[Louis grunting]

[breath trembling]

You’re doing a terrible job of protecting me.

I think I’m gonna have to let you go.

[grunting]

[clanging]

Katie, 60 seconds!

[cries out]

Shit.

[Louis groaning]

[angry shouting]

Keep going, Spaghetti Squares!

I’ve got to say, Katie,

two people of proud Asian heritage trying to kill each other for money…

very inspiring.

Leave her alone, Louis!

[Katie cries out]

[onlookers exclaiming]

No!

[Katie grunting]

Oh, I’m sorry, Katie.

Looks like you don’t have what it takes to get out of this now.

I do have one thing.

What’s that, your little lucky charm?

Fast hands.

Wait.

Is that a grenade in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Fuck me.

[explosion booming, echoing]

[♪ Ruelle: “Where We Come Alive”]

♪ I can see the future ♪

♪ Painted in my eyes ♪

♪ Open up the door and ♪

♪ Fade into the light ♪

♪ Dive into a world I know ♪

♪ Take my hand and ♪

♪ Follow me into the sun ♪

♪ There’s no end ’cause ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This is where we come alive ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ This is where we come alive ♪

♪ Out of the shadows ♪

♪ And into the light ♪

♪ Bringing the unknown ♪

♪ This is where we come alive ♪♪

[crowd] Six! Five! Four! Three!

Two! One!

[air horn blaring]

[crowd cheering]

[laughing]

[cheering continues]

You’re off the clock, boys. Your boss just blew up.

[Pinky laughing, grunts]

Oh, sorry, sir.

You did it!

Ooh, you got a little bit of Louis on you there.

Yeah, I think his, like, tooth flew in my mouth.

[shudders]

Hey, um,

I don’t know if you were still expecting that 30%.

Come on. I’m a man of my word. Ten percent.

But I’m not a woman of my word,

so I hope you’ll be happy with 50%.

Just so you know, I was gonna double-cross you.

I just ran out of time.

No, you weren’t.

‘Cause you really are a nice guy.

And I trust you.

[tires screeching]

[officer] Over here.

I.D., please.

Oh.

Not my real height.

Hey.

You saved me.

You saved me.

The people with the sheet, they helped a lot.

Yeah, they did. They helped.

And, hey, just so you know,

I think my mom would’ve really liked you.

[man] Katie!

[crowd cheering]

[Johnny] Hey. All right.

[popping]

Hey!

[cheering]

Congratulations, Katie Kim.

I’m Johnny Grand, and you’re our biggest jackpot winner yet.

[cheering]

All right, so what are you going to do now that you’re a billionaire, Miss Kim?

I’m gonna get the fuck out of Los Angeles.

[Johnny] Ooh, watch the language. There’s kids watching.

Sorry, children.

All right, right this way for an interview.

I think I’ve had enough publicity for today, but thank you.

No, the cameras…

No. No, wait, wait. She said she’d had enough publicity.

If she doesn’t want publicity, that’s her right.

Hey, pal, it’s live. It’s live.

Give her space.

[Johnny] Come back here, we’ll give you the check.

[whispering] I thought all actors wanted publicity.

[groans in pain]

I don’t think I want to be an actor anymore.

Yeah?

[Pinky sobbing]

It’s like, what’s the point?

Fucking wrestlers and YouTubers are movie stars now.

Yeah, I know, tell me about it.

Sort of makes it feel like anybody can do it, right?

Hey, my last ten bucks.

Yeah, yeah.

You want to split a hot dog?

Ooh, lengthways or widthways?

What?

[stammers softly]

I might have a concussion.

It’s always hard to tell with you.

Ah, you, always with the quips. Quick.

[sighs]

[groans]

Oh.

I got you, big guy.

God, your hand is so big, it’s like a whole-ass ham on my shoulder.

Good thing my mom got me that bus ticket.

[Noel] What’s the plan?

[Katie] Oh, I got a few ideas.

[♪ Spice Girls: “Spice Up Your Life”]

♪ When you’re feeling sad and low ♪

♪ We will take you where you gotta go…

Ready?

[grunts] Oh, shit.

[screaming]

I’m sorry. Ooh. [high-pitched squeal]

[DJ whimpering] Oh, my…

♪ Colors of the world ♪

♪ Spice up your life ♪

♪ Every boy and every girl ♪

♪ Spice up your life ♪

♪ People of the world ♪

♪ Spice up your life ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Slam it to the left ♪

[cheering]

♪ Shake it to the right ♪

♪ If you know that you feel fine ♪

♪ Chicas to the front ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪

♪ Go round ♪

♪ Slam it to the left ♪

♪ If you’re having a good time ♪

♪ Shake it to the right ♪

♪ If you know that you feel fine ♪

What? Everybody’s eating pizza out of trash cans.

It-it’s not gonna work.

[low chatter]

Mm, what is that?

What’s up?

What the…?

Oh, great.

Hey! I’m being sued for copyright infringement!

[laughing] Fucking…

Eat fast, I guess.

I told you this would happen.

♪ Slam it to the left ♪

♪ If you’re having a good time ♪

♪ Shake it to the right ♪

♪ If you know that you feel fine ♪

♪ Chicas to the front ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪

♪ And go round ♪

♪ Slam it to the left ♪

♪ If you’re having a good time…

[laughter]

[laughing] It’s really hard not to laugh when just take the kick.

She kicked high.

♪ Slam it to the left ♪

♪ If you’re having a good time…

No. No, no, no, no. [high-pitched scream]

[groaning]

Whoa, I didn’t know that was gonna happen.

[laughter]

Don’t look a gift mom in the mouth.

As they say.

Yeah, my mom’s mouth is so disgusting.

[laughing]

You ever notice that Los Angeles really looks like Atlanta sometimes?

That’s weird.

♪ Hai, si ja! Hold tight! ♪

[yacht horn blows]

[Katie] I knew you wanted a superyacht.

I did want a superyacht.

Dude, of course you wanted a superyacht. Everyone wants a fucking superyacht.

Greta Thunberg wants a fucking superyacht.

[both laughing]

Oh, cheers, bud.

[seagulls squawking]

Mm.

The money’s changed us, hasn’t it?

Yeah.

We’re gigantic shitheads now.

[Katie, shouting] Hey, can I get my dolphin sandwich?

[dolphin clicking]

Mommy’s mad. You know what Mommy does when she’s mad? She spanks.

I’m not giving you a tip.

Guess what. I won Best Spank in 2019.

[laughing]

[♪ Jacaranda: “MoneyMoney”]

What you two perverts did to Laurel and Hardy keeps me up at night.

What you two did to W.C. Fields was inhuman.

You were banned.

It took us weeks to clean up Tom Hanks.

Hi. Uber for Katie?

[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Come with me if you don’t want to die.

[normal voice] That was pretty good, huh?

[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] We should get to the chopper.

I’ll slap the tattoos right off your skinny man tits.

♪ All I need is money, money ♪

♪ Get, get, get me some ♪

[sighs]

[clatters]

Fuck!

♪ Get me some ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Ah.

Oh, shit.

How will I deejay? I-I can’t push a button.

[both screaming]

How will I jerk off?

[screaming]

All right, so what are you going to do now that you’re a billionaire, Miss Kim?

Well, I’ve been running for my life for the past ten hours,

so I’ll probably go home and take a massive shit.

[scattered laughter]

Lovely.

Hey, Candice. Um, my panic room got invaded,

and I just don’t feel safe in there anymore.

Is there a way we could build a panic room

inside the panic room that I could panic in?

Okay, great.

Hey, also, I just sent you a picture.

Um, could you buy me these darts?

They’re fucking awesome.

[high-pitched voice] Pinky Pooh Pooh. I love you.

[normal voice] But I love your $3.6 billion more!

This isn’t the first time I’ve killed in this costume!

And I never take it off ’cause I’m a freak!

Don’t forget to tag us when you post the pic with the body.

He’s fucking huge. He would turn my asshole into a sewer, so…

Sewer hole. Sewage hole? Suet hole.

[laughter]

What do you… what do you call those things?

[man] He’d turn my ass into a sewage hole.

Sew… Into a sewer hole. Okay.

You would turn my butthole into the Lincoln Tunnel, so…

Lord have mercy on my butthole.

We fucked right over on your signet there.

That is not an oil stain in your driveway.

I, um… You’re a real… [laughing]

Just, it’s actually just pee.

He is a championship male squirter.

Yep.

And it goes… it’s like splish-splash. It’s, uh…

[whispering] Secret, it’s just pee.

[Colson] I don’t even know how that works.

Yeah, guys, the, uh…

[laughing]

It’s from the back.

[laughing]

[Colson] Damn.

[laughing] This is so stupid.

[♪ Drama Dolls: “Sometimes You Gotta Be a Bitch”]

[laughing]

Did it hurt when you stuck the can up?

You don’t have to have shame here. I’ve done some crazy stuff.

No, I have a very tight butthole.

Okay, TMI.

♪ I feel sick and tired of all your shit ♪

[laughter]

♪ I’m tired of it, I’m tired of it ♪

♪ I’m tired, I’m tired…

Forehead and the tricep.

I don’t know how much a bigger steak we can cut for you, boss.

[laughter]

♪ I really think so…

Eat my box!

[screams]

No, fuck that shit.

What-what flavor is it?

It’s, uh, pussy flavor.

Oh, I’m good. I-I… I’m allergic.

It started later in my life.

Ooh, adult-onset pussy allergy.

International Women’s Day is very hard.

Hey, break a leg at the audition.

Bitch, you break a leg.

Wh…

Break your entire fucking body.

No, it’s not like… It’s…

Thank you, I will.

Yeah.

I’m sorry. [laughing]

[laughter]

I want to know if you’re flexible.

Are you flexible?

I can blow myself comfortably.

He can.

And my dick isn’t even that big.

It’s not.

I look like someone’s sketchy uncle

who smokes in his studio apartment and eats canned beans.

What’s up, bro?

Let’s go take a dump standing up

and make more money than our female counterparts, am I right?

This is a guy that takes a dump standing up.

[laughing]

[horn honks]

[John Cena laughing]

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah…

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Oh, my God. That was really funny.

[laughter]

I once played Tetris for about 65 hours straight.

I speak fluent Dothraki.

I don’t know why I thought that’d be useful.

I sucked my thumb for way too long,

and since my thumbs are three times normal size,

my overbite was bananas.

I believe that Honeycomb is the best cereal.

All other cereals are trash.

Oh, I make my own socks.

[chuckles] My calves are always bursting through the store-bought ones.

I estimated that I’ve eaten about 8,000 chickens in my life.

Oh, and I believe in aliens, but I’m not a weirdo about it.

I once broke my femur.

Still finished my shift at Baskin-Robbins.

31 flavors ain’t gonna scoop themselves.

I nursed a baby squirrel back to life once.

I fed it Muscle Milk in an eyedropper.

It was jacked. [chuckles]

You guys all named Riley? What?!

[laughter]

[yells, laughing]

If you’re not going to Comic Con,

why are you dressed like the British robot from Star Wars?

No, I’m not C-3PO.

That’s not his name.

Yeah, yes, it’s definitely C-3PO.

No, it’s definitely not ’cause I’d remember that.

Yeah, it’s like Todd Beasley.

[British accent] ‘Ello. I’m Todd Beasley.

You’ll be malfunctioning in a day, you nearsighted scrap pile.

Okay, so you remember that entire line,

but you don’t remember that his name was C-3PO?

That’s not his name.

Not his name.

Yeah, that’s it.

That’s what it is.

Bitches.

Okay, sorry, wait, one more time.

One more time.

[laughter]

Can we throw our axes now, please?

Yeah, duh.

You just go like this.

[woman] Ooh.

Shit.

And don’t throw them at each other.

♪ Sometimes you gotta be a bitch…

Goddamn it, I hate the fucking theater.

[grunting]

In the back.

And one more, too.

What are you doing?

I am fighting you.

You ready for this Asian thunder, huh? Buckaroonie?

You fight like Scrappy-Doo.

You know when you fight someone,

you gotta make contact with your hands and feet, right?

Oh, I hit ’em with my hands and feet.

I can hit ’em with my hands and feet.

This… this…

and I do the… ooh! the subway stop.

I do the shopping cart… wow! into you.

And then I do the… driving into the throat punch.

Ear fold.

Five years of stage fighting school where I was number two, in a class of two, but… I prevailed.

[grunting]

[laughter]

Okay. The w… The wig’s off.

I love your perfume, by the way.

What is that?

B.O. and other people’s blood, probably.

Lady Speed Stick and three hours of terror sweat.

It’s Bullets. By Machine Gun Kelly.

It’s his line.

No, wait, I remember now.

It was Colonel Mustard in the observatory with the rope.

Oh, man, I think you stepped in dog shit.

[slowly] I no think good no more.

See what happens when you kick somebody in the face?

Hi, Miss Kim. Good to see you again.

Your watch is a piece of shit.

Lunchtime. [screams]

Mm-mm. It’s punch time.

You broke my favorite mop!

Mop this, asshole.

I loved that mop.

[groaning] Oh, Mae West camel toe.

W.C. Fields’ penis.

Oh, the horror.

Oh, you… [laughing]

[laughter]

♪ Well, I think so, think so, think so…

Oh, my God.

We’re gonna be so rich.

♪ Think so! ♪♪

[laughing]

Hey there, friends, it’s your old pal Johnny Grand here to let you know that the Grand Lottery is coming to your town with our biggest jackpot yet.

We got exciting new rules…

[rapid, indistinct talking]

…and some fun new tools, so be sure to get your tickets for the next drawing.

[laughing]

It’s gonna be a whole lotto fun.

I guarantee it.