Incoming (2024)
Genre: Comedy
Director: Dave Chernin
Stars: Mason Thames, Isabella Ferreira, Ali Gallo, Loren Gray, Raphael Alejandro
Plot: Four incoming freshmen navigate the terrors of adolescence at their first-ever high school party.
* * *
[boy] Listen, Bailey.
We’ve been friends for a long time.
Since we were kids.
But I’m in high school now, and there’s something I need to tell you.
And before you say anything, please just… hear me out.
I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time.
I don’t know if you feel the same, but I don’t wanna dance around anymore.
[mellow rock music playing]
[moans softly]
That was nice. You’re good at this.
I am too?
[clicks tongue] Thanks. Guess it just comes nat…
[groans] Ow!
Don’t you knock?
What the fuck are you doing?
Nothing. I was popping a zit! Get out!
Oh. For a second there, I thought you might have been fucking the door.
Can you leave?
Mom wanted me to make sure you’re up. Clearly, you are.
Get out!
[chuckles]
High school’s gonna murder you.
[door slams]
[rock music playing]
Benj! Breakfast!
[camera clicking]
Alyssa, will you put that away?
The whole point of getting the nose job was so you fixate on it less than before.
It’s called confidence.
You’re so confident, you changed your face.
I just didn’t identify with my birth nose, and I had the courage to activate my true self, so…
Yeah. Wow. It’s very brave.
Yeah. Then your girlfriend dumped you for Joni Hudson.
Do not speak that whore’s name in my presence.
Okay! Let’s all just take a big, deep breath.
Good morning. Eat up.
[Alyssa groans]
Yeah, I’m good.
One blueberry does not make a meal.
Bailey and I are getting smoothies.
Bailey’s coming over?
“Bailey’s coming over”?
Yeah, in about 30 seconds.
Try not to blast her through the wall with a fire hose of come.
Jesus! Alyssa, gross. Can you not be disgusting, please?
Good morning!
[ethereal music playing]
Sup, Bailey?
[Bailey] Hey, Benji boy.
[mother] Morning. Happy first day of school.
I don’t understand why I can’t drive to school with you guys.
We have first period free.
Yeah, and your whole vibe sucks.
[mother] Don’t listen. Your carpool will have a great time.
He gonna bring you home after musical theater?
I… I’m not doing that anymore. It’s lame.
What? Lame! What? No! You’re so talented! You can’t give that up!
Remember when you dressed up as Stevie Wonder, and he’d sing for us?
I was ten. That was a million years ago.
Aw, I remember. He was so good.
[mother] Good? He was amazing!
Wait, who’s your carpool?
Some senior that the school assigned to me.
Adam Rubens or something?
[both laugh]
No?
[Alyssa] Ruby?
What? Is he really cool?
No, he’s, like, the worst person in the entire school.
Seriously?
The kid’s terrible.
Okay. Well, you know what that sounds like to me?
Sounds like you could both use a friend. How serendipitous!
[Alyssa] Come on, Bailey. Let’s go.
Have a great day at school. I love you!
[Bailey] See you at school.
[Alyssa] Love you too, Mom.
[mother] What? No goodbye?
I love you.
[Benj] Love you too.
Have the best day. Okay?
Mm-hmm.
The coolest thing you can do is be yourself. Trust me.
Go up to some kid, look him right in the eye and say,
“Hey, my name is Benj, and I wanna be your pal.
Okay?
Yeah.
The eye contact does it. That’s confidence.
I love you so much.
Yep. Love you too.
Please release me. Thank you.
Okay.
Have so much fun with your carpool. Wear your seatbelt.
This day is for you! You make it yours!
[sighs]
[tires squealing]
Where the hell is this guy?
[brakes screeching]
[horn honking]
[honking continues]
[“Dare You to Get It Started” playing]
Hey! I’m Benj.
Hurry up. We’re late.
♪ I could turn you to crumbles This is… ♪
[tires squealing]
♪…wanna hear your mumbles ♪
♪ I got a master plan It don’t include you ♪
♪ I’m from a foreign land Somewhere unusual… ♪
Hold this.
And don’t eat it.
I’m not gonna eat it.
Fucking right you’re not. I’m not your fucking lunch car, bro.
Are you okay, man?
[wheezing]
Adam? Hello?
[Ruby grunting softly]
[horns honking]
Light’s green. Dude, wake up. The light’s green.
[man] Fucking idiot!
[horn honks]
Ruby!
[horns honking]
Gimme that.
[horns honking]
Did you take a bite of this?
No.
[horns honking]
[mellow rock music playing]
Freshmen sit in the front? Who the fuck made that rule?
Please let it go. I already got the runs.
[boy 1 sighs]
Dude.
Don’t tell me that’s a lunch box.
What’s wrong with my lunch box?
You trying to get us killed? Get rid of it.
Hold on! Let’s see what we got.
You know my mom went all out on day one.
What the…
He ate my sandwich!
[boy 1] Who?
Dennis! Her stupid-ass boyfriend!
Your mom’s still with that scumbag?
Yes, and he’s ruining my life.
The other night, he woke me up to ask if he could borrow a condom.
Man, you put up with that shit?
What am I supposed to do?
I don’t know! Slap him. Ass his toothbrush. Just do something.
No. Sometimes, the best thing to do is nothing.
When you get attacked by an animal, you play dead.
I’m not wired that way.
When someone disrespects me, I show him where the line is.
[kids snickering]
Gang gang, y’all! Happy first day of school.
The sun’s shining, the birds are chirping, and your boy Koosh has a breaking…
The fuck you just say?
I…
You’re not Koosh. That’s my name.
But we’re both Koushanis though. Can’t we share it?
Bro, you wanna rep the Koosh brand, you gotta live up to it.
Until then, I hear anyone call you Koosh, I’mma throttle you.
Okay.
Jeez.
Can I ask… what the brand is?
Fucking legendary king shit, dog.
Sick. How’d you get that started?
I ripped a senior’s ear off before the first bell rang.
Jesus! Can’t you just tell people I’m your cool younger bro?
Nah, homey. You gotta forge your own path.
I’m trying to build your character.
Oh.
Thanks.
But figure that shit out fast. Like, this week, all right?
Before everyone realizes what a bitch you are.
[introductory drum solo]
[funky music playing]
[tires squealing]
[horn honking]
Out.
Are we not driving in?
I am. Not with some bitch-ass freshman in the car.
I’m only doing this to get out of detention.
Let’s go! I’m late!
Nice kid.
[tires squealing]
[funky music continues]
[Ruby] Move, pussies!
What the fuck, man?
I have a bad feeling about this.
Gentlemen! Ready for the best year of our lives?
It was almost the last year of our lives. You fuckin’ see that shit?
Ancient history. Once that bell rings, we’re in high school.
Know what that means?
New teachers?
Pressure from our parents to succeed?
Pubes?
No, it means we have a fresh start. Anything is possible.
Here comes Koosh.
[“Jordan” playing]
Do we still have to hang out with him?
He’s our friend.
He’s an asshole.
Well, well. If it isn’t the dick and his two weird little balls.
Hey, Koosh.
[boy 1] Hello, Koosh.
[Koosh groans]
Don’t forget. I’m serious.
You can’t call me Koosh anymore.
My brother says I haven’t earned the name. He’ll pound me every time he hears it.
What are we supposed to call you?
My real name, I guess.
Dangah?
It’s Danah, ass.
[snickering]
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, fuckos.
You’ll be chugging my hog when you hear what I have in store.
My parents are going out of town this weekend,
and yours truly is throwing a massive rager.
Five kegs. Sick-ass DJ.
Insane dong-to-puss ratio. Shit’s gonna be fucking lit!
How are you gonna pull that off? We’re your only friends.
My brother’s helping.
Oh, so Kayvon is throwing a party.
We… we both are.
That sounds terrifying. Are freshmen even allowed?
Fuck no! But I’m VIP, and you clits are my three plus-ones.
That’s plus-three, you fucking idiot.
[Koosh] Two and a half if we count your shrimpy ass.
Fuck you, man!
Hey!
It’s perfect. That’s where I’ll make my move on Bailey.
[boy 1 and boy 2 groan]
Ah, man. What happened to starting fresh?
Yeah, Bailey’s great, but she’s a sophomore, man.
It’s never gonna happen.
Something happened this summer, and I think I got a real shot.
[soft music playing]
[Benj] One night, I couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs to make a snack.
Hi there.
You fucked her?
What? No! Wanna hear the story or not?
Sorry. I just… I just got a little excited. Okay? Go on.
Okay, I was pretty surprised, but I played it cool.
[squeals]
Bailey, hey. What are you doing up?
Your sister snores like a Saint Bernard. She should really sue her plastic surgeon.
Totally.
You know, I… I… I love dogs.
[typing]
You mind if I hang out?
It’s your house.
[Benj] So we start talking, and it’s going great.
I mean, the conversation’s flowing. We’re giggling and shit.
I don’t even know what I said, but I was in the zone.
You know, I don’t completely hate hanging out with you.
Wow. That’s… Thank you.
Let’s not make a public display of it. Don’t talk to me at school.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I won’t. For sure.
[chuckles] I’m fucking with you.
You can talk to me. We’ll grab a beer sometime.
[Benj] We were firing on all cylinders.
[indistinct chattering]
[Benj] But then…
[dramatic music playing]
[snickering]
Ooh-hoo!
Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Damn!
This is where the story should’ve started!
All right, what happened next? Did you make a move? You touch it?
I froze up.
And she never noticed?
She did eventually.
[giggling]
Has my boob been out this whole time?
Whose boob?
My boob.
Sorry. Repeat the question?
What the fuck? Why didn’t you say?
I’m sorry. I just didn’t want the conversation to end.
[boy 1] Nice recovery. Then what happened?
[Benj] Well, nothing. She went to bed.
That’s it? You’re kidding me, right?
Aight, wait. I’m confused.
How does that story make you think you have a chance?
[Benj] You had to be there.
For the first time, she saw me as a man. An adult man.
One to ten me on her nipple.
Twelve.
[excited yelling]
Oh yeah!
[bell ringing]
♪ When you see me Better call me the king ♪
♪ Address me “Your Highness” please ♪
♪ I am king ♪
♪ When you see me Bow down and kiss the ring… ♪
Holy shit! Peek this one.
[older boy] Hey, you! Little man.
Me?
Bro, how old are you?
I… I… I’m 15.
Fuck off! Months or years?
Bro, you are crazy-looking.
Your name is “Fetus” now.
Oh, uh, I don’t… I don’t know about that.
I do. Later, Fetus.
Mamma mia! That one looks like a meatball.
Holy shit. You! You! Get over here.
Fuck! Game over. I’m Fetus for the next four years.
I’m the oldest person in our grade, and I look like fucking Thumbelina.
To be fair, she was adorable.
Whoa!
♪ Hey, welcome to your destination ♪
♪ Temperature has got you blazin’ ♪
♪ And it’s so exhilarating… ♪
What the fuck is that?
That’s Katrina Aurienna. Dopest chick in school.
Half a million followers.
Max Solen’s brother cheated on her.
She iced him out so bad, he had to transfer schools.
♪ You want me… ♪
[Koosh] Mm-mm.
I’m not ready for something like that.
[Fetus] I am.
She’ll be at my party.
Your brother’s party.
Fuck off, Eddie. It’s mine too.
[bell ringing]
Okay. I’ll see you later. I’m going to class.
[mellow rock music playing]
Planko! My brother from another mother.
[laughs]
It’s Studebaker.
Yeah, listen. Last time, you said it was late notice.
So this time, I’m getting in front of that bitch.
Friday night, my place, poker with the boys. Are you in?
[mouths] Fuck.
I can pivot, bro. Saturday night.
Let’s do it Saturday night. Problem solved.
I…
Yeah, look, man, I’m gonna level with you, okay?
Allie and I, we… we broke up.
No, it’s okay, don’t apologize. It’s all good, you know?
Better, actually. It’s gonna be better. All right, uh, be good, okay?
Talk soon. All right, brother. Later.
[line beeps]
[cell phone clicks]
[sighs]
Muldoon! Your wife still got you by the balls?
I’m sorry, buddy. I thought she was in remission.
[giggling]
[indistinct chattering]
All right, people, let’s get after it.
I’m Mr. Studebaker. Welcome to Intro to Chem.
Chem, short for chemistry. Intro, short for introduction.
If I’ve lost you already, well, then you’re fucked.
[students chuckling]
My dude.
Tell me your name.
Benj.
Benj? With a J?
All right, well, hit the J, bro. Let ’em know.
Can you tell me what the chemical formula for water is, Benj?
H2O.
Whoa!
Genius alert!
Can anybody tell me what would happen
if I took some of this H2O
and mixed it with hydrogen peroxide and some garden-variety dish soap?
Anybody? No?
I guess we’re just gonna have to find out.
Look out!
[students chuckling]
Huh. That’s weird.
Why don’t we add a little potassium iodide just to see what happens?
[students gasping]
[girl 1] Sick!
[boy 1] Whoa!
All right. Listen, all I ask is that you be on time,
be engaged,
and if the entire class can maintain a B average,
I’ll teach you how to make a nuclear bomb.
[students chuckling]
I’m kidding. But I will teach you how to make a Drano bomb.
That way, you can blow up mailboxes and, you know, shit like that.
[brakes screeching]
[horn honking]
♪ Yeah, I’m feeling like a ghost When we pull up in the Phantom ♪
♪ Yeah, we killin’ it, killin’ it, whoa ♪
[Benj] Are we making a stop?
Uh, I gotta do somethin’.
Dope.
I just have a lot of homework to do, so…
Well, the sooner you shut up,
the sooner you’ll get to your precious homework.
I don’t see how that makes sense.
Just shut up.
Okay.
[Ruby mutters]
What’s that?
Vitamin D. Selling it.
Can’t you buy that at, like, Whole Foods?
Well, you could, but I tell people it’s ecstasy, dummy. Let’s roll.
What? No! I’m not going. That’s illegal.
And that’s okay, but I have a lot of homework to do…
Bro, shut up about homework, okay?
I could not give less of a fuck about homework. You know this.
We’re a carpool, dog.
I’m not trying to be difficult. I don’t know if I can do this.
[Benj breathing rapidly]
Just calm down, okay? All right?
Just breathe. Everything will be fine.
Okay.
[Ruby] Are you calm?
Yeah.
Good. Check this out.
[yells, laughs]
[screams] What the fuck is that?
Freaking cattle prod, bro! Amazon Prime!
Anything goes wrong, I’mma light these fuckers up.
Let’s go.
No, I’m not going.
[Ruby sighs]
All right. Listen, kid.
Here’s what’s gonna happen.
I’m gonna count to three.
If you’re not out of this car by that time,
I will zap you so hard, you shit lightning.
One…
[unbuckles belt]
[“DoubleWhiskeyCokeNoice” playing]
♪ Sometimes simple things That make it hard ♪
♪ Spoiled baby tees with credit cards ♪
♪ Overtime always on my mind… ♪
[Benj] Where do these guys go to school?
Don’t even think they go.
Let’s just make it quick. All right?
Yeah, no shit. You think I wanna be here all day?
Yo.
You got the shit?
Ask and you shall receive. Where should we do this?
Right here is chill. Someone set a screen.
Set a screen.
Dude! Look natural!
All right. Thirty a pill. Ten pills, 300 bucks.
That’s kind of steep, no?
Yeah. Well, you pay for quality. Little man here is the chef.
Only uses the freshest ingredients.
Word? Shit’s clean?
Uh… yeah.
Farm fresh.
Dope.
Gotta test ’em real quick.
[tense music playing]
Gotta watch out for that fentanyl.
Fucking epidemic, bruh. That shit took my cousin.
[boy 1] Christina?
[boy 2] Yeah, man.
[boy 1] Man, she was thick.
[boy 2] What?
[tense music continues]
Yo, chill, chill. Cops.
Fucking pigs.
Yeah, fuck 12, yo.
Yeah, totally.
We should, like, defund their asses
or at least, like, reallocate some budget or something.
All right, fuck it. We good. If shit’s dank, we’ll hit you up for more.
[Ruby] Ha-ha!
Homework time!
[tires squealing]
[“I’m Free” by Peached playing]
♪ Yeah, I’m free as I’ve ever been ♪
♪ Yeah, I think you… ♪
Thank you, Janet. Looking brighter since the divorce.
Whatever you’re doing, keep it up.
Yo, Dom, I saw you followed me on Spotify.
Keep an eye out for my next playlist. Huh? It’s gonna be hot.
Yo, Studes, you coming to Koosh’s party tonight?
Why? So I can watch you get embarrassed in flip cup, Gurman?
[snickering] Seriously. You should come. Everyone would be so stoked to see you.
Tell you what. Put me down as a never gonna happen.
Be safe. Okay?
Gino, where were you at lab today, my man?
Just kidding. Sure you had a good excuse.
Oh, Becca! Short hair, don’t care!
[Bailey] What you looking at?
[Alyssa] Nicole’s Instagram.
I can’t believe she dumped me for this basic bitch.
She’s actually pretty nice.
Sorry. Didn’t realize you guys were scissor sisters.
I’m just saying. I mean…
Be honest. Is everyone talking about my nose?
Um… no one’s said anything to me.
They’ve definitely noticed. I can feel the attention.
Damn, Alyssa! You’re looking good.
Don’t look at me.
Hear about my party tonight?
I heard about your brother’s party.
It’s both of ours.
Hey, why don’t you take my Snap in case you have any trouble at the door?
I feel I’m done with this conversation.
Seriously, you should come. It’d be cool to hang since we’re all in high school.
Yeah, maybe.
[Benj] Right on. Right on. Very nice.
Oh my God! Get lost, or I’ll tell Bailey you don’t have pubes.
I have pubes!
Gross.
Anyway, hope to see you later.
Dude, you crushed that.
You think?
Definitely! She wants you.
I am feeling really good about this party.
It has all the ingredients of a classic meet-cute.
What the fuck’s a meet-cute?
A movie thing.
When fate brings people together in a charming and romantic way.
Bailey’s met you.
She hasn’t met the new me.
All that singing and nerd shit I was into is history.
Dude, everyone’s talking about this party. I heard there might be a fight.
I heard that too.
This is the first I’m hearing of a fight.
Gonna be tons of fights. My brother’s taping his hands.
What for?
So he can punch harder?
And longer.
[scoffs] That’s it. I’m out.
What are you talking about?
I’m talking about I’m not going.
There’s gonna be people fighting, fucking, and all sorts of crazy shit.
It’s too risky, and I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
Yeah, you know, I think I’m out too, man.
I’m at a critical tipping point with this “Fetus” thing,
and I think I should lay low until this all blows over.
What up, Fetus?
Hey, fellas!
Fuck!
What the fuck, guys? You can’t bail.
He’s right. We’re the only freshmen invited.
That type of publicity could carry us through the year.
Maybe through high school.
Who you are in high school is basically who you’ll be forever.
We have one chance to make a first impression,
and tomorrow night is it.
You’re gonna lose that shitty nickname. You’re gonna stop being scared.
And you’re gonna earn your brother’s respect.
This isn’t just a party. This is our future.
Do I have to get drunk on alcohol?
Yes.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
All right. Fine, man, but if anyone calls me fucking Fetus, I’m walking.
[Koosh] Chill out, Fetus.
Hey, guys, it’s your boy Koosh here. Just wanted to give you a quick update.
Just wrapped week one of high school, and not gonna lie, it was tough.
Luckily, I have the weekend to catch up on sleep,
get a head start on homework.
And psych! Shit’s going down tonight!
{\an8}Casa de Koosh. Fuck school. Fuck college.
{\an8}We’re all about getting lit and making money!
{\an8}Come one, come all.
{\an8}Black. White. Asian. Trans.
{\an8}We love all people.
{\an8}Unless you’re ugly, then keep your bum-ass the fuck home.
{\an8}Peace!
[Eddie] Are you sure we’re not too early?
[Fetus] Nah.
Koosh said come for the VIP pregame.
[Koosh] Hello?
Hey, Koosh.
[Koosh] Ow!
Sorry,
Danah.
[Koosh] Come around the side.
[“Body” playing]
♪ Body on my ♪
♪ Losin’ all my innocence, yeah ♪
♪ Body on my ♪
♪ Grindin’ all my innocence, yeah ♪
♪ Body on my ♪
♪ Losin’ all my innocence, yeah ♪
♪ Body on my… ♪
Hey, guys.
Damn. Katrina Aurienna is here?
[Fetus] Jesus! She’s like a wild animal.
Whoo! [grunts]
[Koosh] Bad news, guys.
Kayvon says I can only have one plus-one.
You’re kidding me, right?
He says the party’s gonna have enough pussy without… you pussies.
Is it done?
I’m doing it.
Sorry, guys. My bad.
Your bad? All week, it’s been “my party, my party.”
You can’t even get three fuckin’ plus-ones.
Oh fuck! Now I’m doing it.
Guys, I don’t mean to be dramatic, but if I don’t get with Bailey tonight,
I’ll kill myself.
[Eddie] Hey, hey, come on.
[Benj] I need this. This might be my only chance. I’ll do anything.
It’s yours. Honestly, I’m relieved.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast. Connor?
What?
Benj here says he’ll do anything. Care to best that offer?
Go fuck yourself.
I hope someone drowns in the pool and they sue your family.
Let’s go, Eddie.
Later, guys. Good luck.
[Koosh] Hey.
I’m glad it’s you.
Wanna see something cool?
Sure.
Come on.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Benj sighs]
What is this?
Know how Kayvon’s pushing me to realize my full potential?
He abuses you.
It’s all love.
I just need to do something legendary for him to respect me.
So I’m gonna hook up with a senior.
No, you’re not.
Oh, but I am.
See, your meet-cute idea inspired me,
but the only problem is it leaves too much up to fate.
I don’t love where this is going.
Think about it. Guys always scheme to get girls in movies.
Spy on them or dress up like chicks to steal their secrets.
I saw, like, six different movies
where a guy convinces a girl with amnesia she’s his wife.
Whatever. Explain this.
Ah. That’s how I remove fate from the equation.
From here, I can zero in on a hot senior, pierce her with Cupid’s arrow,
and convince her to hook up with me.
That sounds… very creepy.
Creepy? It’s the same thing you’re doing, only better.
My thing with Bailey isn’t the same.
How is this different?
Bailey’s my soulmate. You don’t even know your girl yet.
Oh, I suppose it’d be better if I stalked her for years?
I don’t stalk her. I love her.
Such a fine line, isn’t it?
I’m outta here. I’m going to the party.
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
You only get one chance to make an entrance,
and you wanna waste it while there’s barely anyone here?
Fine.
But I do not support this.
I can live with that.
Say cheese.
[camera clicks]
This is such fucking bullshit.
[scoffs] We should just call the cops and get that shit shut down.
Why are you so mad? A few hours ago, you didn’t even wanna go.
Yeah, but I decide. They don’t tell me I can’t go.
That’s my decision.
Let’s get wild tonight.
Get wild? [chuckles]
You know what I mean. Let’s, uh, smoke cigarettes.
I have allergies.
Let’s just do something.
We are! We’re gonna play some Halo, crush some motherfucking meatloaf.
Shit’s gonna be lit.
Oh-ho-ho-ho! There are my guys, huh?
Yeah, staring down the barrel of another wild night, I see.
Can I help you, Dennis?
[Dennis] I doubt it.
I’m waiting for your mom to get ready. It’s her birthday.
I wanna do something special to her.
Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
Obviously, you’re not doing gangbusters in the real world, right, which is fine.
But you’re at least getting some action in the metaverse, right?
That’s not how it…
Wait, hold that thought.
Yo.
[man] What up, D-bag?
Oh, my man!
[Dennis chuckles] Ah.
No, I c… No, I can’t do that tonight.
[man] What?!
Taking my lady out for her birthday.
Yeah, the one with the kid. Mm-hmm.
[Dennis laughs]
Trust me. He doesn’t have that in him.
Awesome. Call me tomorrow. I wanna hear about that. Peace.
[chuckles] What a fucking douchebag.
[woman] Hi, boys!
[Dennis] Oh!
Hey, Mama. Looking good!
Looking very good, my queen.
[mother giggling]
Hey, Ms. Young, happy birth…
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
[Mrs. Young giggles]
Happy birthday.
[Mrs. Young] Thank you, Connor.
Any big plans?
Dennis is taking me out to dinner.
Nobu.
Then we’re getting a hotel for the night.
Four Seasons.
[Mrs. Young giggles]
[Dennis] This guy gets it.
[giggling]
[clicks tongue]
We should go. The Uber is here.
Dinner’s in the oven. Call if you need us, and be careful.
And make sure you blow on the food before you bite into it.
I don’t want you to burn your little tonguesies.
Okay! Okay, good night, boys.
[Dennis] Yeah, good night, boys.
[Mrs. Young giggles]
[slapping]
[Mrs. Young squeals] Dennis, behave!
See? Even your creepy-ass dad thinks we’re pussies.
He’s not my dad.
He’s definitely your daddy.
Now he’s gonna fuck your mom in some cheap motel.
They’re going to the Four Seasons.
[Connor] Whatever, dude.
Everybody is partying and fucking except us.
The fact they’re willing to leave you alone
speaks volumes about how little respect they have for you.
Actually, It means the opposite.
[Connor] Come on, man!
Are we really going to drift through life getting disinvited from parties
while guys like Dennis bang our moms?
Okay, fine. What would you like to do?
[Connor exhales slowly]
[“Fancy Footwork” by Chromeo playing]
We can’t. Dennis loves this car.
You mean Dennis, the literal motherfucker?
Maybe we should circle back around to the cigarettes. That idea had legs.
Great. We’ll go buy some.
Get in, I’m driving.
Oof!
This is a bad idea.
Relax. I have my permit. I run errands with my mom all the time.
♪ Two step, two step, two step ♪
♪ Bright lights, TV screen ♪
♪ Feels like looking at a magazine ♪
♪ You, her, on the floor ♪
♪ Feels like dancing is the way to go… ♪
[girl squeals]
Whoo!
Yeah! Whoo! Which one of you bitches is next?
Dude, come check this out.
Katrina is hammered.
No, thanks.
Suit yourself. It’s pretty cool.
It’s not cool. It’s the opposite of cool. [sighs]
Look.
I know it’s not easy living in Kayvon’s shadow,
but I honestly believe that if you just be yourself,
people would see what an awesome guy you are.
Be myself?
Yes.
Let them get to know the real me?
Exactly.
Nah, that’ll never work. My plan’s way better.
Your plan is weird and probably illegal. Oh shit. Go to camera three.
Hey, now you’re getting it.
Bailey’s here. Isn’t she the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?
Ah, she’s okay.
Her sister, on the other hand, is looking fine as fuck.
[Benj exhales deeply]
Moment of truth. You coming?
I’m gonna give it another minute. Let this simmer rise to a boil.
Good luck with that.
♪ Check it out ♪
♪ Check it, check it, check it out… ♪
[Alyssa] What is Nicole doing with that big-headed freak?
Okay, you’re being kind of scary.
What? Her head is, like, huge, okay?
It’s just a fact. Not that it matters. You know I’m all about body positivity.
Beauty’s a mostly male construct anyway. Maybe it is, actually, a medical issue.
What if something’s wrong and she’s not just ugly?
What the fuck is she wearing? Maybe someone should say something…
[romantic music playing]
[groans]
[Ruby laughs]
Give me that.
[Benj sighs]
You okay?
Aah, just Ruby being… funny.
You know, carpool stuff. You look great, by the way.
Thanks. So how’s your first party? Everything you always dreamed of?
So far, so good. I don’t know a lot of people, so it’s awkward.
It’s about to get more awkward because you have no one to talk to.
Good luck.
[“Takin Off” by Crypto Bunny playing]
♪ I’m takin’ off ♪
♪ Check it out… ♪
Well, shit.
Christ, would you just go home already?
Go home, just… throw on your sweats,
order some Postmates, get a good night’s sleep.
Call your mom. You haven’t called your mom in weeks.
Just get the fuck out of here. Actually, I… [yells]
[boy] Mr. Studebaker!
Fuck! Hey!
Aaron, how are you?
I thought that was you.
Ah, you know, I was just in the neighborhood and…
That’s awesome. Are you coming in?
Nah.
[Aaron] Come on, let’s go!
Yep, okay, that’s why I’m here, right?
[Aaron] Yeah, let’s do it!
Okay, let’s do this.
Piece of shit! Fucking…
[Aaron] Check this shit out!
It’s fucking Studes! Hey, want a beer?
[Studebaker] No. Got a hard out.
[“Higher, Here for the Party” playing]
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ Higher ♪
♪ Higher… ♪
[both snicker]
[girl] Aw, he has no friends.
[boy] Check it out. I’mma mess with him.
[chuckles]
[girl] Mm.
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ See the light, love the darkness Let me drown inside your eyes ♪
♪ Feed the fire, lost desire ♪
♪ You leave me paralyzed ♪
♪ Push the limits, take me higher ♪
♪ Till I’m fallin’ from your eyes ♪
♪ Take a sip, and let the choir… ♪
Hey, did you want me to come over?
Yeah, uh…
What’s your deal?
In… in, like, what sense? Like, personality-wise?
Wait. Aren’t you Alyssa’s brother?
Yeah, I’m Benj.
Me and your sister used to do gymnastics together. Jessica.
No shit! You’re Alyssa’s bro?
[Benj] Yeah.
Dude, what did your sister do to her face?
Don’t be an asshole! Jeff!
[Jeff] I like it. It looks way better.
Yeah. I don’t know, man. It’s not really my place to say.
[laughs]
I like this kid. He’s loyal.
Come here.
We’re gonna fucking party tonight or what?
I think so.
Then don’t give me that half-assed, one-foot-in bullshit.
Commit to me. Right now. Are you in?
Okay. Yeah, I’m in.
[Jeff] Motherfucker, let’s go!
Aight. Get out of here. I’ll let you know when it’s time.
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ You make me ♪
♪ Feel like I’m living a teenage dream… ♪
[Eddie] Mm.
I can’t believe that dickhead wouldn’t sell us cigarettes.
Let it go, man. How’s that fluffernutter?
Bomb as fuck.
Oh yeah! Don’t tell me.
Tell the people.
Come on. Let me see you flex.
You can do better than that one.
Aah!
[Eddie] Aah, yeah!
[chuckling] There it is!
Whoo!
Come on!
We out here riding electric, baby!
[laughs] Whoo!
Saving the planet, going green!
Going green! That’s all we see is green!
Whoo! Whoo!
Man, just say the word if you wanna get up on this chocolate gooey Ore… Oh shit!
[indistinct chatter on police radio]
[siren wails]
[relieved sigh]
Whoo! [chuckles]
Okay. It’s time to go home.
Oh, no way, man! We just started.
Know what we should do? We should cruise by Koosh’s party.
Oh, absolutely not!
Come on, man.
This way, when we do go to our first party,
we’ll know what to expect.
Hell no.
Think of it as a recon mission.
Like in Halo.
[hesitating] I… do like recon.
Oh, I know you do.
Okay, fine!
Just a quick drive-by, but be careful.
Chill, man, I got this. [chuckles]
[windshield wipers squeak]
Trust the process, man.
♪ You make me ♪
♪ Feel like I’m living a teenage ♪
[“New Ting” by Stella Mwangi playing]
♪ I bring back that new thang ♪
♪ Whoa, let me get down with a pose Whoa, flexin’… ♪
Busted.
[gasps]
[laughs]
I’m just yanking your chain, playboy. Hey, you’re in my class, right?
Yeah, I’m Benj.
Benj with a J. That’s right.
Benj.
Yeah.
Wanna hook me up with one of those?
Thank you, sir.
Hey, so how was your first week in high school?
It was… it was good.
Yeah?
I like my classes so far.
Nice. Nice. Yeah, well…
High school’s the best, man. Enjoy it.
♪ I bring back that new thang… ♪
Oh fuck, that’s good.
[chuckles]
Hey, Benj, is it weird that I’m here?
Oh.
Yo, Mr. Studebaker. Come do a shot!
No, no. Thanks for asking though, guys. I’m… I’m taking off in a few.
Come on. One shot. One!
I’m just gonna get this over with. You wanna come?
You… you… you go ahead.
You sure?
I gotta find someone.
Yeah, you do.
Hey, go get her.
[chuckles] Where’d they go?
Look who’s here!
All right.
[boy 1] Holy shit, bro! It’s my teacher!
[Studebaker] Hi, guys. Listen up!
I don’t wanna blur the lines too much, so I will make you a deal.
I will do a shot.
[kids] Whoo!
But… but… but you gotta let me teach you something in the process.
[groaning]
Okay? Give me a break.
I’m an educator. I gotta educate, right?
Good. Hannah, hand me that 151.
And what is that? Is that Amaretto? Yeah, that’ll do.
Okay!
[“Pizza Shop” playing]
Who’s ready for a science lesson?
♪ This that drive-by ♪
♪ This that Shawty Lo in Impala ♪
♪ Hello out the whip With the clip, make you bye-bye ♪
♪ Roll the windows up Hotbox, smokin’ la la ♪
♪ Roll the windows down See the opps… ♪
Holy shit!
Thank God we’re not in there!
[boy] No fucking way!
Fetus can drive?
Oh, crazy.
Look! It’s Katrina.
[Katrina] I need my purse.
Someone fucking stole it!
[girl] It’s on your shoulder, babe.
[Katrina] Ow!
Damn.
Where’s her Uber?
It’s a Tesla.
Bougie bitch.
There it is.
What? Hey, hey, don’t wave back!
[Eddie] I’m being polite! Look, man!
Shit, they’re coming this way! What do we do?
Uh, be cool. Peel out.
Those are totally different things!
Do one of ’em!
[thudding]
[boy grunts]
[retching loudly]
[groans]
[Connor] Oh fuck! She’s getting in! Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Bye, guys! Love you! Mm! I love them.
[can opens]
[slurping]
Hey, do you have an iPhone charger?
We’re not your Uber.
Yeah-huh. For Katrina.
Maybe we should take her home.
We have no idea where she lives.
Where do you live?
Taco Bell.
You don’t live at a Taco Bell.
Yeah, I do.
I’ve lived there for, like, ever, so you don’t know me.
So how do you even know?
What?
Just take me home, or I’ll hit you with freaking one star.
Go for it. I’m not an Uber.
“I’m not your Uber.” There goes a star.
Oh, uh, okay. Now, Katrina…
No more chitchat. It’s music time.
[“Bling Bling” playing]
Fuck yes, bitch!
Yo, film this shit.
I’m about to set it off.
♪ Bling, bling, bitch Do my own thing, bitch ♪
♪ Fuck a wedding ring That ding-a-ling was just a fling, bitch ♪
♪ Wake up, little bitches Let me show you how to live ♪
♪ Hair done, nails done Keep everything did ♪
[“Bling Bling continues]
[Katrina] Drive!
[music thumping in background]
[Koosh] Looking a little lost there, pal.
To your right.
Look up.
There you go.
Koosh?
[Koosh] You fucking know it, dog! What you creeping around up here for?
Says the guy watching on a spy cam.
[Koosh] Touché.
Thought you might be looking for Bailey but never mind.
You know where she is?
[Koosh] Duh, I know everything.
I’m like God, remember?
Right. Where is she?
[Koosh] I can’t tell you that. It would violate your moral code.
Okay, don’t be a dick.
[Koosh] Fine. See the door on your left? Open it.
[grunting]
Fuck off!
Yeah, I’m so sorry!
[Koosh laughs]
Okay, you’re an asshole. Do you even know where she is?
She’s… she’s just left. If you hustle, you can probably catch her.
[“I Need You” playing]
So the higher the proof of alcohol, the lower the density, right? Make sense?
So the 151 just kind of floats on top.
You know what else is pretty cool about 151?
It is flammable as fuck.
[kids chuckle]
Hot coffee! Blow ’em out, throw ’em back. [blows]
[kids cheering]
[girl howls]
Bah!
[kids cheering]
Whoo!
Okay, guys. I gotta go now for real.
[groaning]
No, no, no, it’s past this old man’s bedtime.
Have a good time. Be safe. Studes out!
Whoo!
[kids cheering]
[Studebaker] Yeah!
[Benj] Bailey, wait!
What?
You’re leaving?
[sighs] Jesus Christ, dude. You scared me.
Sorry, that was… that was a little intense.
But you can’t leave.
I can’t?
You can. You can do whatever you want. It’s just you shouldn’t.
Why is that?
Because you promised we’d have a beer this summer. Remember?
[chuckles] Right, and I suppose you’re gonna hold me to that.
Well, I just figured you’d wanna keep your word.
Being an honorable person and all.
[exhales]
I do value honor a great deal.
I know. That’s why I chased you down.
All right, sure. I got one in me.
Commence Operation Meet-cute.
Which one of you lucky ladies will win the rose?
Ooh, Michelle Pulaski cleans up nice.
But I think Kayvon hooked up with her.
He’d murder me.
[keys tap]
What a butt!
Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t know what to do with that.
Hang on. What do we have here?
Hello, future soulmate.
Oh, hang on. Who’s this scumbag?
Oh no, baby. He’s all wrong for you.
I’ll fix that.
[girl gasps]
[Koosh] Ha-ha!
Meet-cute time!
[“Real Love (F. Holland Greco)” playing]
Nicole, hi!
[Nicole] Oh.
[Alyssa] Is one of these for me?
Actually, it was for…
Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
I feel like we haven’t hung out since summer. We used to be friends.
Actually, I can’t. I told someone I’d get them a drink.
Oh, who? Joni?
Well, yeah.
Okay.
Look, I get it.
This summer, I was, like, straight-up fug…
That’s not true.
Yeah, it is, but it’s fine because I fixed it,
and now I’m objectively hotter than her, so…
It’s not about that.
Okay, so what’s it about, then?
Can we not do this now?
Come on, just fucking tell me.
Fine. Honestly, you’re mean. You make people feel bad about themselves.
And, yeah, you look good, but… your insides are gross.
Bye, Alyssa.
♪ Shining out of me ♪
♪ Kissed with permanent emotion… ♪
Sorry, I live here. I gotta check something real quick.
For real?
Seriously?
Damn!
[girl gasps]
What? No!
Sorry, guys, toilet’s busted.
Use the guest house, or piss in the bushes.
[all groan]
[girl 1] No!
Everything okay?
I’m sorry?
I couldn’t help but notice you look distressed. I live here.
This is my party.
Oh, I thought it was Kayvon’s.
It’s both of ours.
Oh, yeah. No, I’m fine.
I… I just need to use the bathroom.
I suppose you can use the VIP.
Oh my God. I’ll be so, so quick.
Right this way.
[crunching]
Mm. [coughs]
Mm.
What a fucking animal!
[Eddie] At least she isn’t rapping anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, watch the leather!
Oh! I can’t waste that.
Oh, this is making me sick!
[Eddie] That’s not a napkin.
[Connor] Oh, what the fuck, man?
I can’t watch this anymore. Tell us where you live.
[slurping]
[groans, burps]
Night night.
Hey! Hey, don’t do that!
No! No, Katrina! Wake up!
Katrina! Wake up! Wake…
Hey! You can’t do that!
[both groan loudly]
What now?
Hey, check her purse. What’s her ID say?
[Eddie sighs]
162 Wilmot Ave. Boom! Let’s roll.
[“Return of Django” by The Upsetters playing]
[Studebaker] The name gravity bong is a bit misleading, right,
because what we’re really dealing with here is pressure, okay?
As I lift the container,
I’m essentially creating a pressure vacuum, right,
filling the increasing surface area with smoke.
See how milky that is?
Oh, look who’s paying attention for once!
Okay, so as I push down, what I’m doing
is rapidly increasing the internal pressure,
expelling the smoke out of the chamber and into my lungs.
Are we ready for that?
Let me get a Studes! Studes!
[all together] Studes! Studes! Studes! Studes!
Here we go!
[kids cheering, screaming]
[Studebaker moans softly]
[kids cheering]
Smooth.
Okay, who’s on deck?
[boy] Hey, right here. I got this!
All right, guys. See you Monday!
[kids cheering]
High five! Whoa!
Thank you so much.
Sorry we had to come down here.
Oh, that’s okay. It’s a nice basement.
It’s more than a basement, really.
We have a screening room, an arcade. We even have a spa.
Oh.
Wanna see?
Uh… su… sure.
[water trickling gently]
[ethereal music playing]
[door closes]
Wow, you weren’t lying.
You have a spa in your home.
Yeah, my family’s big on mindfulness. I’m sure you picked up on it from my vibe.
You seem chill.
Thank you. I am.
Anyways, should we get back?
Yeah.
[Koosh] Yeah.
[handle rattling]
That’s weird. It’s locked.
You’re kidding me, right?
No worries. I’ll call someone.
Oh, dang it. No service. You?
Nothing.
Oh, shoot!
[kicks door]
Uh, okay. Is there another way out?
No.
[voice on sat nav] In one mile, turn left on Havenhurst Boulevard.
[Connor sniffs]
Dude!
What?
Have the decency to crack a window, man!
What are you talking about? I don’t even smell.
[sniffs, spluttering]
Bro, what the fuck? Open a window!
[both coughing]
[Eddie] Oh!
[Connor spluttering]
[both gasping for air]
What is that?
I… I… I don’t know. I’ve never experienced that smell before!
Make it stop!
Oh God. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Lady!
You gotta put a cork in it.
Oh shit! She shit!
What?
[Eddie] Shit!
She fucking shit! Oh shit!
What do you mean she shit?
I mean, shit is literally falling out of her butt right now!
[coughs]
Oh, it’s on my hand!
I got shit on my hand!
[moaning]
What the fuck? Don’t put it on me!
[both coughing, spluttering]
[both gasping]
[horn honking]
[both screaming]
[tires screeching]
[Eddie screaming]
[tires screeching]
[Eddie and Connor screaming]
[screaming continues]
[Eddie retching]
[Connor coughing]
Ew, get it off of me!
It’s in my mouth! I’ve got shit in my mouth!
[both spluttering]
Why would she do this?
So, want the good news or bad news?
More bad news?
Bad news is that all we have to eat are these strawberries.
Good news is that they look ripe and delicious.
Also, I found this pretty nice bottle of champagne.
I guess that makes two pieces of good news.
So do you, like, get lots of massages?
Actually, I prefer to give. That’s why I got certified.
Hey, if you want, I could give you some light reflexology.
Oh, uh, you don’t have to do that.
[Koosh] Are you kidding?
After the trouble I’ve caused?
Do you really know what you’re doing?
I know that spinal stenosis is no laughing matter.
[chuckles]
Come on. Alleviate my guilt.
Uh, all right. Uh, fuck it. I will take a free massage.
That’s the spirit. I’mma go wash up. We’ll start face down.
♪ We don’t have to take our clothes off… ♪
[cheering] ♪ To have a good time ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ We don’t have to take our clothes off… ♪
[cheering] ♪ To have a good time… ♪
[Benj] Beer for you.
Thank you.
♪ We could dance and party all night ♪
♪ And drink some cherry wine… ♪
I love this song.
Oh yeah? Wanna get on the mic?
Very funny.
Come on, share your gift. [clears throat] Excuse me. Can I have your attention?
No! Don’t be a dick, please.
All right. Jeez!
God forbid anyone meets the real you.
I’m sorry. I just… I don’t feel like singing right now.
Copy that.
Cool guys don’t sing.
How was your first week? Any ladies in the mix?
Not yet.
[Bailey] Really?
Good-looking guy like you? What’s taking so long?
There is this girl I kinda like.
Sounds serious. What’s her deal?
Well, she’s really cool and smart.
Cool and smart?
Hard to believe, right?
So what are you waiting for?
Make a move.
[sweet suspenseful music playing]
What if she’s not into it?
What if she is?
[kids groaning]
[Bailey] Jesus!
[chuckling] It’s all good, muchachos!
It’s just a chemical reaction. You know why? Because it’s science!
[girl 1] Oh my…
[girl 2] What’s going on?
[kids yelping]
[girl 3] Hey!
Step right up, boys and girls!
Step right up and witness the incredible fire-breathing dragon-man!
[kids muttering]
[kids gasping]
[girl 4] Oh!
Oh fuck.
[blowing] It’s hot!
It’s getting hot! It’s getting hot!
[girl 5 yelps]
[boys] Oh!
[Studebaker] It’s okay!
[screaming]
[yelling]
God! Help me, please!
[kids screaming]
[Studebaker] I’m your teacher, for fuck’s sake! Help!
[kids screaming]
[kids] Oh!
[boy 1] Oh!
[boy 2] Is he alive?
[grunts, gasping]
[grunts, raspy breathing]
[splutters]
[boy 3] Yeah!
[cheering]
Ha-ha!
Yeah! Yeah!
[girl 6] Yeah!
[kids chanting] Studes! Studes! Studes! Studes!
Studes! Studes! Studes! Studes! Studes!
[Eddie sniffs]
Oh… Oh!
Dennis is gonna kill me!
Fuck Dennis. He’s never gonna know.
Are you crazy? It looks like Willy Wonka’s diarrhea factory in there.
Look, I say we go back to your house and get in bed. This never happened.
What? What about the car?
What car? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
And Katrina? We can’t leave her shitty ass on the side of the road.
Why not?
Because some psycho rapist could snatch her up!
Dude, she’s covered in poo. It’s like a protective force field.
Look, at some point, some cop is gonna cruise by
and think she stole the car and took a dump in it.
And what happens when she wakes up and tells the truth?
Hey. Katrina, wake up.
[Katrina moans]
Do you know us?
Get out of my room, you fucking bitch.
Not exactly a star witness.
It doesn’t matter.
They’ll trace my credit card to Taco Bell. They’ll pull the security footage.
What is this? CSI Special Fecal Unit?
It’s never gonna work.
[sighs] Fine.
New plan.
[sneaky music playing]
[Connor grunts]
All right. Nice work. Let’s bounce. [chuckles]
What’s the matter?
This feels fucked-up.
Yeah. Well, karma’s a stinky perfume.
[Eddie] We can’t just leave her here like this
with her underpants filled to the brim with diarrhea.
They’re America’s heroes. This is what they train for.
Her parents are gonna have to pick her up.
Good. Maybe it’ll finally motivate them to potty-train her.
[bell ringing]
Quick, grab her legs!
I just washed my hands!
Well, just fucking do it.
[“My Fit” by Mad Circuit playing]
[both grunting]
♪ Yeah I’m fresh and fly As nobody in this room here gon’ try it ♪
♪ See my fit, it’s a fit Yeah, I’m fit, take a flick… ♪
Oh. Close.
So you’re really done with singing, huh?
Yeah, I’m… I’m… I’m over it.
Oh, that’s too bad.
For the record, I always thought you had a pretty nice voice. Kobe!
[gasps]
How are you so good at this?
How are you so bad at this?
I don’t know. I suck.
[giggles]
Yo, there you are.
Those guys from the skate park are here.
Here?
Yeah. They’ll probably murder us, so we should go. How you doing?
I told you!
What’s going on?
Oh, we ripped off some guys earlier.
You ripped them off.
Benj! We are partners. We succeed and fail as a unit.
[boy 1] There’s those motherfuckers.
Hey, what’s up, fellas? How are ya?
Shut the fuck up.
Yep.
You think you can sell us fake shit?
Fake shit? There must be some kind of misunderstanding.
Talk fast, bitch.
I got it from Benj.
I… I had nothing to do with this.
[Ruby] He told me it was dank.
Ruby. Come on, man.
Come to think of it, I popped mine, like, two hours ago,
and, well, I don’t feel shit either.
Come on. I tried to stay in the car. He forced me. He’s lying.
Come on, Benjamin. The jig is up.
Give them their money back, take your beating,
and learn from your mistakes.
[boy 2] Oh no!
Go easy on him, guys. He’s just a kid.
[crowd gasping]
[girl 1] Oh my God!
[girl 2] Oh!
I don’t know what is going on, but I’ll pay you back.
[chuckling] Nah, homey. It’s too late for that.
Please, man. I’m a good person.
[boy 3] Oh shit! It’s Kayvon!
Yo, is there a problem?
Yeah, there’s a fucking problem. Your boys here just ripped us off.
This bitch?
[groans]
[crowd] Oh!
He’s not my boy.
Yeah. Well…
someone owes us $300.
That’s not my business, dog.
My business is hosting this party and ensuring my guests have a good time.
Now, you can either respect that,
or I could fuck you up in front of all these people.
[boy 4] Oh damn!
[girl 3] Oh, shit’s about to go down.
Yeah, I respect that.
I appreciate you being mature about it.
[boy 5] All right!
That’s mad big of you, dog.
Thanks, dog.
You know what? I like that. Why don’t you guys grab yourself a drink?
Make yourself comfortable, okay? If you need anything, come find me.
[yelling]
[buzzing]
[boy 6] Oh!
[kids gasping]
Oh my God!
[pained grunting]
[grunting]
[rock music playing]
[boy 7] Oh!
[both grunting]
Come on!
[pained grunt]
[gasping]
[girl] Gotta call you back.
You broke my fucking nose!
Oh my God, I’m so sorry!
[groans loudly]
Fuck you!
[rock music continues]
[boy] Marlon!
[yelling]
[groaning]
[Benj breathing heavily]
Dude, what the fuck?
What?
[Bailey] What do you mean “what”?
I thought you were about to get murdered.
Fucking Ruby.
I…
[sweet instrumental music playing]
Wow, that’s…
Thank you?
You’re welcome. I mean, you were clearly never gonna make a move.
Sorry about that. I just didn’t really know how you felt.
Well, now you know. So next time, don’t overthink it.
Yeah, no, no. I won’t.
Like, now would be that time.
[Benj] Oh.
Yeah.
Here I come.
[sweet music builds]
Was that okay?
That was… surprisingly good, actually.
Don’t tell your sister.
I’d never tell her anything.
I’m serious. I’ll fuck you up. This is not a good look for me.
Wow. Thanks.
Don’t get me wrong.
I mean, you’re super cute, but you’re a freshman. I’m a sophomore.
Yeah.
The gap is unbridgeable.
Fine, but you have to promise not to tell anyone either.
Oh really? Why is that?
Well, because I’m a freshman. New kid. I wanna keep my options open.
Oh, you do, do you?
No, not really.
[sweet music continues]
Okay, I should probably get back
before people think I’m off somewhere blowing you.
[laughs]
Not gonna happen.
No, I don’t even want that.
That’s not what I…
Obviously, if you wanted to, I would totally allow that.
That came out wrong. Uh…
You don’t need my permission. You can do anything you want.
I support women.
[snickers]
Find me before you leave. Maybe I’ll give you a ride.
This was fun.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[“‘Bout to Get Real” by 7KingZ playing]
[exhales]
[Kayvon] Oh shit, he’s alive!
Oh my God. Yo, bro. Thank you.
I needed that.
Look, I should have taped up.
Oh my God!
They got all messed up.
[Benj] Yeah. Thank you.
I love you, kid!
It’s all good. We’re all friends now.
Yeah!
Yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Let’s go!
[‘ “Bout to Get Real” continues]
♪ You ready? ♪
♪ This is it now ♪
♪ Can’t quit now ♪
♪ Feel the pressure is on the rise ♪
♪ I’m burning inside, energy is high ♪
♪ And I feel so alive ♪
♪ Had to face up, so I prayed up ♪
♪ Put my head down and I came up ♪
♪ Came up ♪
♪ So what you afraid of? ♪
♪ This is what legends are made of ♪
♪ Center stage of a new wave ♪
♪ Of hustlerz, ballerz, and renegades ♪
♪ Every day stay dedicated ♪
♪ On a mission Until we can say we made it ♪
♪ It’s nothing life will just hand you Always did what they told me I can’t do ♪
♪ And it’s still all a gamble ♪
♪ Go and handle yo’ handle ♪
♪ You ready? ♪
♪ You ready? ♪
♪ Keep your eyes peeled ♪
♪ What’s up? ♪
♪ You hear it comin’? ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ It’s ’bout to get real… ♪
[cheering]
♪ Watch ♪
♪ It’s ’bout to get real ♪
♪ What’s up? ♪
♪ You know the deal ♪
♪ It’s ’bout to get real ♪
♪ This is high stakes, no off days ♪
♪ You cooked if you caught in the blaze ♪
♪ You either eaten or you get ate It’s all part of the game we play ♪
♪ When I stand up, never jammed up ♪
♪ Can’t go under Do you over stand us? ♪
♪ Over stand us ♪
♪ Don’t take it for granted ♪
♪ It’s bigger than life on this planet ♪
♪ Nuff said ’cause I know the ledge And I’m pushing it right to the edge… ♪
[kids] Whoo! ♪ Only break bread ♪
♪ My real head For the blood and the tears we shed ♪
♪ Be patient, we done waiting ♪
♪ So at the end of the day ♪
♪ You know the deal ♪
♪ It’s ’bout to get real ♪
[music ends]
[pained, disorientated grunting]
[keys jangle]
[whimpering]
[silent]
[boy] Hey, Stude!
[Studebaker] See you Monday. [groans]
Okay, all done.
You may feel a little sore tomorrow. Nothing to worry about.
Just a toxin release.
And if you want, a nice hot soak is always great for recovery.
Well, I didn’t bring a suit, so…
Oh. We have plenty of suits in the changing room.
Are you gonna get in?
To the tub?
I can’t go alone, right?
I… I mean, I guess I could.
Why don’t you go change? I’ll get it all set up.
Right back there. Take any suit you want.
[girl] Okay.
Yes! Yes! It’s freaking on.
[dance music playing]
[cheering]
I’m high.
There he is! Just the man I wanted to see! Come here!
Come here. Let me ask you something. You like jazz?
Yeah. Yeah, I… I like jazz.
Course you do, you bastard.
I’ve got something for you.
[dance music pumping in distance]
Oh my God!
What happened to you?
Oh, I have an older brother, so…
Oh.
Oh! Almost forgot the drinks.
Some bubbles to go with these bubbles.
[floor squeaks]
[yelps]
Oh shit! Are you okay?
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Your shoulder!
Oh, what is that?
God. I think it’s your bone.
[high-pitched scream]
Oh God!
Don’t just stand there! Get help!
How? We’re locked in.
I have a key.
[pained groaning]
What?!
In my pants!
[girl] Motherfucker!
[Koosh] Come on! [pained yelling]
You have had a key this entire time?
Who cares how long I had it? I’m fucking dying here.
Fucking creep! What is wrong with you?
I don’t know! I have low self-esteem.
I’m trying to impress my brother.
I know I’m a piece of shit, but I don’t deserve to die.
Please?
Call 911.
Call yourself, asshole.
[pained groaning]
{\an8}[upbeat music playing]
[coughing]
Guess who the cat drug up?
Hey!
Somebody cut up a little jazz, so I guess we’re going.
[Benj] Oh. Oh!
Oh no. I’m gonna stick with the beer. Thank you though.
What? What you talking about?
You… you gave me your word, man.
[chuckles]
What, are you not a man of your word?
[girl 1] Come on.
Come on.
Just do it.
[Jennifer] Benj! Benj!
[girl 1 joins in] Benj! Benj! Benj!
Fuck it, I’ll do it.
Attaboy!
You heard him! One monster rail!
Oh no, no, no! Just one medium-sized rail will be fine. Do I just sniff it?
[girls snicker]
Wait a fucking minute. This your first time?
Oh!
Oh my God!
Aight, shit. We gotta make this special.
Uh, quick, somebody give me a, uh, hundred-dollar bill.
Ooh, matter of fact, let me get a gold record or some shit. Who got that?
He should do it off Jessica. She thinks he’s cute.
[both giggle]
Great idea. Jessica, get your butt over here.
No, Jessica. Really, you don’t have to do that.
It’s not a big deal. You can if you want.
[girl 1 giggles]
Time to make some dreams come true.
[girl 2] Oh!
[girl 1] Sweet! [giggles]
[Jennifer] Oh my God, that’s so fun!
[girl 1 giggles]
[Jeff] Don’t be shy.
Attaboy. You ain’t no bitch baby no more. Get in there. Shit’s clean. [snickers]
[girl 1 chuckles]
[Benj sniffs, gasps]
Oh God, it burns.
Wow.
Bailey?
Real nice.
Wait!
Oh shit! Oh fuck!
That was really bad. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Easy, little fella. Breathe.
I’m sorry. I’ve never done coke before.
[snickers]
Oh my God. He thinks it’s coke.
Okay, you still haven’t.
[girl 1 laughs]
What?
That was K, man.
K?
Ketamine. It’s, like… for cats, I think. Might be horses. Shit, I forgot.
Oh God! I’m gonna die.
[snickering]
Relax!
[rock music playing]
Sit down. Let the wave wash you back to shore.
[breathing heavily]
[rock music intensifying]
♪ Whoo! ♪
[siren wails]
[officer 1] Let’s go. Right.
Let’s go. Let’s move it.
[girl 1] I can’t be driving right now!
[girl 2] Where are my keys?
All out of here!
[officer 2] All right. Time to go home! Party’s over!
Jesus Christ.
[indistinct message over PA]
Alyssa?
[sniffs squeakily]
Holy shit!
[Alyssa] I know!
I’m a fucking monster.
[sniffs squeakily] Inside and out.
[sobbing]
[sobbing continues]
[sniffles squeakily]
[Koosh exhales slowly]
If it makes you feel any better, I broke my collarbone in two places.
I’m sure you deserved it.
Without a doubt.
I got off easy.
Wanna talk about it?
[sniffs squeakily]
There’s nothing to talk about.
[nose whistles]
[sobs] Nicole was right.
[nose whistles]
It doesn’t fucking matter what I look like because my soul is… dog shit.
That’s not true.
You’re crazy hot. You smell great. And your butt’s like a freaking walnut.
What the fuck, dude?
Who fucking talks like that?
I’m sorry. I’m trying to change, but it’s gonna take some time.
What I’m trying to say is you’re great the way you are.
[sniffs squeakily]
[nose whistles]
You don’t think I’m, like, a huge bitch?
Oh, you’re a gigantic bitch, but that’s what makes you so great.
Look.
I’m not stupid. I know I’m a douche.
The only reason people tolerate me is because my parents are rich,
and I throw sick parties.
Your brother does.
We both do as a team,
but you’ve always called me on my shit, no matter what.
You’re raw and real and wild.
And if Nicole can’t handle that, she doesn’t deserve you.
Thanks. [sniffles squeakily]
That’s sweet.
It’s the truth.
Wait.
Is this a meet-cute?
Not a fucking chance.
Fair enough.
I don’t even know who you are.
What the fuck even is ketamine?
Don’t know? Not sure?
I think it’s for cats or something.
Speak up!
Think it’s for cats or something.
Oh!
It’s for cats… or something.
Well, that’s just fan-fucking-tastic.
I hope you got a big ball of yarn in your bedroom
’cause that’s gonna be your only entertainment for the next year.
[snickers]
What the fuck are you laughing at?
What the fuck are you laughing at?!
Are you laughing at me? Because you’re not getting another nose.
Fine. I don’t want one.
[mother] Good!
I certainly hope that you identify
with whatever mess is going on under that bandage.
I said okay!
[thud]
I am the one
who says when it is okay.
Fun night?
Did you talk to Bailey yet?
No. Why? What happened?
I messed everything up.
Want my advice?
Let me guess. Eat a dick.
Actually, I was gonna say just be yourself.
I thought you hated myself.
Look, Bailey likes you, dude.
Not this new you, okay?
The real you.
The geek who blushes when she walks in the room
and sings Stevie Wonder and fucks his bedroom mirror.
I don’t do that.
Whatever.
Honestly, I like him better too.
So quit feeling sorry for yourself.
Wipe that shit off your face and go get her.
Why are you being so nice to me?
I don’t know.
I think I have a concussion.
You got this.
[gentle ambient music playing]
[music fades out]
[yelping] What the…
Someone better tell me what the fuck is going on!
Goddamn, woman! You broke my ear.
Wrong answer!
[Eddie yelping]
Please! Please! Stop it! Stop it!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[hesitates nervously] I’m Eddie. That… that’s Connor.
We… we go to your school. You’re in my room.
Where are my fucking clothes?
In the wash!
We took care of you last night.
Please stop hurting us!
[Eddie panting]
Why are my clothes in the wash?
Oh…
Listen. There was an incident.
[foreboding music playing]
[Katrina] Whoo! Come on!
[Eddie] Oh shit! She shit!
[echoing] Shit… shit.
No, no, no! It’s not a big deal. It’s okay.
[door opens, slams]
[cool ambient music playing]
[Connor sighs]
[Dennis] Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Beats riding the bus, doesn’t it?
[chuckles smugly]
Hey, you know what? I’ve been thinking.
If you wanna tell people I’m your dad,
I’m cool with that.
I think I’m okay.
If you need anything, give me a call. I’ll be home, hanging out in your mom.
[Eddie sighs]
You know what, Dennis?
What’s up?
Shut the fuck up.
I am not the guy you think I am, Dennis.
Not anymore. I’ve changed.
I’ve seen some shit,
and not like a war vet has seen some shit.
I’m talking actual shit
dripping down the walls of this stupid-ass car you love so much.
I don’t know what any of that means.
Let me break it down for you.
The other night, I took your car,
and I had the hottest girl in school in the back seat.
Fuck yeah!
She sprayed dookie all over it.
I cleaned it as best as I could, but I bet if you close your eyes,
you could still detect a hint.
Eddie, if… if… if that’s true,
that is a serious betrayal of my trust.
What? Are you gonna tell on me?
Yeah, I… Actions have consequences, okay? So I’m gonna have to tell your mom.
Great. I’ll come with you. Who do you think she’s gonna side with?
Her little angel
or the most suspicious-looking motherfucker on earth?
The angel.
What did you say?
The angel.
Oh.
That’s what I thought.
From now on, put some respect on my name.
I respect you. I always have.
Yeah, fu… Gimme that sandwich.
[door closes]
I’m so sorry, but, um, I think the child lock is on.
Can I get some help?
Yeah.
[mellow rock music playing]
You talk to Benj?
I called him yesterday, but his mom answered. She sounded pissed.
[Koosh] Hey, guys.
[Connor] Damn, Koosh. What happened to you?
[Koosh groans]
What’d I tell you?
Where does he come from?
Don’t call me Koosh anymore.
Being a legend is exhausting.
[sighs] Also, I’m starting to think my brother might not be a great person.
He’s not.
Yeah, he’s a sociopath.
From now on, just call me Danah.
With pleasure, Danah.
[both snickering]
Don’t say it like that.
[bell ringing]
Hi, George. All right?
Hey.
You get up to anything this weekend?
Nope.
Yeah, pretty mellow.
Yeah, super lame.
Oh man. We got off our asses. You would’ve loved it.
Sorry again about those plus-ones. Next time, it’s a lock.
Connor! Eddie!
Is Katrina Aurienna waving at you?
[Eddie] Uh-huh, weird.
Yeah, I guess we better go check it out.
Hang on. Should I roll with?
Ah…
Nah! You know, it looks pretty full up there.
But, hey, next time, man, it’s a lock.
[snickers]
Alyssa.
No.
Whoa, not so fast, Fetus. Freshmen sit on the floor.
Yeah, back to the womb, Fetus.
[boys snickering]
[Katrina] Um, I’m sorry.
Who the fuck are you?
Me? I’m…
Yeah, no one cares.
And his name is Connor, not Fetus, asshole.
Now get up. My friends are sitting there.
It’s not a riddle, douchebag. Move.
Let’s go, boys. Chop-chop.
Thank you. Hi.
I washed your clothes.
Oh, oh, you didn’t have to…
I also want to apologize.
No, it’s cool.
Actually, it’s pretty fucking far from cool.
I’m sorry you guys had to deal with that.
Apology accepted.
Don’t know what you’re talking about.
Thank you for being gentlemen.
Come sit with us, please.
[gentle music playing]
Um, guys, meet my friends. This is Connor and Eddie.
[boy 1] Hey, Connor. Good to meet you.
[boy 2] What’s up?
Fist bump. High five.
[woman] All right, settle down. Settle down!
Settle down. Okay.
We got a lot to get through this morning. First up, Coach Barella.
[girl 1] Come on!
[scattered applause]
Guys, we are a week into the school year,
and we’re missing an absurd amount of towels.
This isn’t a hotel, okay? Those aren’t free.
Unrelated note. Our volleyball team is in desperate need of an outside hitter.
If you’ve gone through a growth spurt, I need to know about it.
So if you have any jeans that don’t fit anymore
or that you don’t love as much as you used to,
put them in one of our jeans for teens bins,
and they’ll be donated to underprivileged teens
who can’t afford jeans of their own.
Everybody deserves jeans, guys.
All right, that about does it for to…
Oh, looks like we have one more announcement
from, uh… Benjamin Nielsen.
[microphone feedback]
Hi, everyone.
[boy 3] Yo, sup?
I’m Benj.
[boy 4] Whoo! K-hole!
[laughter]
[students snickering]
I need to say something.
I’ve been looking forward to high school… forever.
[boy 5] Nerd!
[laughter]
I know, right?
But for whatever reason, I believed
that’s where I was gonna become my best self.
And I got off to a great start. I met some awesome people.
But they didn’t meet me.
Not the real me.
You see, I was so obsessed with winning everyone over
that I lost sight of the one person that I truly care about.
Bailey… this is for you.
[students muttering indistinctly]
[boy 6] Oh!
[singing nervously] ♪ Like a fool I went and stayed too long ♪
[microphone feedback]
[boy 7] Shit, he’s singing. He’s fucking singing.
[singing nervously] ♪ Now I’m wondering If your love’s still strong ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
[students muttering]
[slow clapping continues]
[singing confidently] ♪ Then that time I went and said goodbye ♪
♪ Now I’m back and not ashamed to cry ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
♪ I’ve done a lot of foolish things that ♪
♪ I really didn’t mean ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Didn’t I? ♪
♪ Didn’t I? ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Seen a lot of things In this old world… ♪
[girl 2] I want you!
♪ When I touch them They mean nothing, girl ♪
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
[piano continues playing]
♪ Ooh-wee, babe, you set my soul on fire ♪
♪ That’s why I know You’re my heart’s only desire… ♪
He’s insane.
♪ Here I am Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours… ♪
Everybody!
[people join in] ♪ Here I am, baby ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours ♪
[cheering, whistling]
What do you say, Bailey?
Will you be my girlfriend?
[gasping]
[chuckling]
[boy 8] Come on.
No, dude. No. What are you doing?
Oh shit!
[all laughing, jeering loudly]
Okay! Okay! Fun is over! Get back to class!
[Alyssa] Sorry, buddy.
[snickers]
You’ll be okay.
Yeah, at least you tried, man.
Were you guys even watching?
That was the most brutal thing I’ve seen in my life.
Shut up.
Watch it again if you don’t believe me.
Put that away!
What the fuck, man? You were recording?
[“Too Late Now” by Wet Leg playing
Someone needs to take your phone.
Were you recording?
[Eddie] You’re really irresponsible.
Benj, you all right, buddy?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m good.
Lot of year left.
♪ If I thought that you were cool ♪
♪ We would have hung out more in school ♪
♪ But now that we have all grown up ♪
♪ Well, all my friends have given up ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ No, there’s nothing left to say ♪
♪ I just get up and walk away ♪
♪ If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix ♪
♪ Well, life’s supposed to be this shit ♪
♪ Now everything is going well I think I changed my mind again ♪
♪ I’m not sure if this is a song I don’t even know what I’m saying ♪
♪ Everything is going wrong I think I changed my mind again ♪
♪ I’m not sure if this is the kinda life That I saw myself living ♪
♪ I don’t need no dating app To tell me I look like crap ♪
♪ To tell me if I’m thin or fat To tell me should I shave my rat ♪
[music ends]
You wanted to see me?
Hi, Mitch. Have a seat.
[Studebaker] Right. [chuckles]
Ah.
[exhales slowly]
Uh… what’s that?
[students cheering on video]
[Studebaker] Science!
[keyboard clicks]
I…
You do understand… we’re gonna have to let you go.
Yeah, totally. Totally understand. Yeah.
Okay.
[groans softly]
[breathes shakily]
[groans]
[woman inhales sharply]
[sighs]
Do you want this open or…
Closed.
Okay, you got it.
Hey.
Go, Warriors.
[mellow rock music playing]
[funky instrumental music playing]
[music fades]
[suave instrumental music playing]
[music ends]
[hopeful instrumental music playing]
[music fades]
[sweet instrumental music playing]
[music fades]
[cool electronic music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[music fades]
[sweet instrumental music playing]
[music fades]
[music resumes]
[music fades out]
