Home Alone (1990)
Director: Chris Columbus
Writer: John Hughes
Release Dates: November 10, 1990 (sneak preview); November 16, 1990 (United States)
Stars: Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard, Catherine O’Hara, Roberts Blossom, Devin Ratray, Michael C. Maronna, Hillary Wolf, Angela Goethals, Gerry Bamman, John Candy, Terrie Snell, Daiana Campeanu, Kieran Culkin, Kristin Minter, Larry Hankin, Jedidiah Cohen, Ralph Foody
Plot: The McCallister family prepares to spend Christmas in Paris, gathering at Kate and Peter’s home in Winnetka, a Chicago suburb, on the night before their departure. Kate and Peter’s youngest son Kevin is ridiculed by his siblings and cousins due to his immaturity. Kevin inadvertently ruins the family dinner after a scuffle with his oldest brother Buzz, resulting in Kate sending him up to the attic. Frustrated with Kate for allowing the rest of the family to pick on him, Kevin wishes that his family would disappear. During the night, heavy winds create a power outage, disabling the alarm clocks and causing the family to oversleep. In the confusion and rush to get to the airport, Kevin is accidentally left behind.
Kevin wakes to find the house empty and the family cars still in the garage, unaware that they had rented vans to take them to the airport. Thinking that his wish has come true, he is overjoyed with his newfound freedom. Later, Kevin becomes frightened by his eccentric next-door neighbor, “Old Man” Marley, rumored to be a serial killer nicknamed the “South-Bend Shovel Slayer” who murdered his own family. The McCallister home is soon stalked by the “Wet Bandits”, Harry and Marv, a pair of burglars who have been breaking into other vacant houses in the neighborhood. Kevin tricks them into thinking that his family is still home, forcing them to postpone their plans to rob the McCallister house.
Kate realizes mid-flight that Kevin was left behind, and upon arrival in Paris, the family discovers that all flights for the next two days are booked, and that the phone lines are still down back home in Chicago. Peter and the rest of the family stay at his brother Rob’s apartment in Paris while Kate stays at the airport. Unable to book a flight to Chicago, Kate convinces a couple to trade tickets with her. When she eventually arrives in the US, she meets Gus Polinski, the lead member of a traveling polka band, who offers to let her travel with them to Chicago in a moving van on the way to Milwaukee.
On Christmas Eve, Harry and Marv finally realize that only Kevin is in the McCallister home, and Kevin overhears them discussing plans to break into the house that night. He starts to miss his family and asks the local Santa Claus impersonator if he could bring them back for Christmas. Kevin attends a church choir performance, eventually re-encountering Marley, who proves the rumors about himself to be false. Marley points out his granddaughter in the choir and mentions he has never met her since she is the daughter of his estranged son. Kevin suggests he try to reconcile with his son.
Kevin returns home and rigs the house with handmade booby traps. Harry and Marv break in, spring the traps, and suffer various injuries. Kevin calls the police and lures the duo into a vacant neighboring house that they had previously broken into. Harry and Marv ambush Kevin and prepare to get their revenge, but Marley intervenes and knocks them out with his snow shovel. The police arrive and arrest Harry and Marv, having identified all the houses that they broke into due to Marv’s habit of flooding them.
On Christmas Day, Kevin is initially disappointed to find that his family is still gone. However, Kate arrives home and they reconcile. The rest of the family then returns after waiting in Paris for a direct flight to Chicago. Kevin keeps silent about his encounter with Harry and Marv, although Peter finds Harry’s knocked-out gold tooth. Kevin then happily watches Marley reuniting with his family.
* * *
Home Alone (1990) | Transcript
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PHONE RINGING]
MAN: Answer the phone.
WOMAN: Where’s my suitcase?
GIRL: I’m going downstairs.
Who stole my hair dryer?
POLICEMAN: Miss. Young lady. Excuse me. Girls.
[CHATTERING]
POLICEMAN: Hey, hey, little boy.
[SHOUTING]
POLICEMAN: Excuse me, girls. Girls.
Take the witches!
POLICEMAN: Hey. Hey, big fella. Excuse me.
Come help me make up these beds in the living room!
POLICEMAN: Excuse me. Ma’am! Hi. Hey, son! Son!
Who stole my book bag?
POLICEMAN: Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Little guy. Little guy!
KATE: Pete’s brother and his family are here. Oh, it’s crazy.
WOMAN: Trish is going to Montreal.
KATE: Montreal?
Uh-huh.
KATE: That’s right. Her family’s there.
And we’re off.
KATE: When do you leave?
Tomorrow.
KATE: You’re not ready, are you?
KEVIN: Mom! Uncle Frank won’t let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can’t I?
KATE: Kevin, I’m on the phone.
KATE: When do you come back?
Not till then?
KEVIN: It’s not even rated “R.” He’s just being a jerk.
KATE: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no… then it must be really bad. No, we’re not bringing the dog. We’re putting him–
KATE: Hey, hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room.
KEVIN: Hang up the phone and make me, why don’t ya?
KATE: Oh, this kid.
PETER: Kate, did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing?
KATE: I didn’t have time to do that.
PETER: How am I supposed to shave in France?
KATE: Grow a goatee.
KEVIN: Dad, nobody’ll let me do anything.
PETER: I’ve got something for you to do. Pick up those Micro Machines that are all over in there. Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.
KATE: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
PETER: Didn’t we talk about that?
KEVIN: Did I burn down the joint? I don’t think so. I was making ornaments out of fishhooks.
PETER: My new fishhooks?
KEVIN: I can’t make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on ’em.
KATE: Peter.
PETER: Come on, Kevin. Out.
Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?
PETER: Here! Here’s a voltage adapter.
Oh, you’re getting heavy. Go pack your suitcase.
KEVIN: Pack my suitcase?
TRACY: Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?
I don’t live here.
TRACY: A house with this many people, there’s no shampoo?
POLICEMAN: Are your parents home?
TRACY: Yeah, but they don’t live here. Tracy, did you order the pizza?
Buzz did.
POLICEMAN: Excuse me, miss. Are your parents here?
My parents live in Paris. Sorry.
POLICEMAN: Hi!
Hi!
POLICEMAN: Are your parents home?
Yeah.
POLICEMAN: Do they live here?
No.
POLICEMAN: No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
KEVIN: I don’t know how to pack a suitcase. I’ve never done this once in my whole life.
Tough.
KEVIN: That’s what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin, “tough.”
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What am I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, “Congratulations, you’re an idiot”?
KEVIN: I’m not an idiot!
Oh, really? You’re completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
She’s right, Kev.
KEVIN: Excuse me, puke-breath. I’m a lot smaller than you. I don’t know how to pack a suitcase.
I hope you didn’t just pack crap, Jeff.
Shut up, Linnie.
KEVIN: Do you know what I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know mom’s gonna pack your stuff anyway. You’re what the French call les incompetents.
KEVIN: What?
Bombs away!
[BANGING LOUDLY]
P.S. You have to sleep on the hideabed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he’s gonna wet the bed.
KEVIN: This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I’m livin’ alone! Did you hear me? I’m livin’ alone! I’m livin’ alone!
STEFFAN: Who’s gonna feed your spider while we’re gone?
BUZZ: He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true that French babes don’t shave their pits?
STEFFAN: Some don’t.
BUZZ: But they got nude beaches.
STEFFAN: Not in the winter.
♪♪ [TAPE PLAYING, REWINDING]
KEVIN: Buzz?
BUZZ: Don’t you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
KEVIN: Can I sleep in your room? I don’t want to sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he’ll wet the bed.
BUZZ: I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.
[OBJECT CLATTERING]
BUZZ: Check it out. Old man Marley.
STEFFAN: Who is he?
BUZZ: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer!
STEFFAN: No.
BUZZ: That’s him. Back in ’58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block… with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
STEFFAN: Well, if he’s the Shovel Slayer, how come the cops don’t arrest him?
BUZZ: Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. Now it’ll just be a matter of time before he does it again.
STEFFAN: What’s he doin’ now?
BUZZ: He walks up and down the streets every night… salting the sidewalks.
STEFFAN: Maybe he’s just trying to be nice.
BUZZ: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That’s where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies… into mummies.
STEFFAN: Wow.
KEVIN: Mummies.
[GASPS]
BUZZ: Look out!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTING]
POLICEMAN: How you kids doin’, huh? Good? Lot of action around here today, huh? Goin’ on vacation? Where you goin’? Do you hear me or what? Goin’ on a trip? Where you goin’, kid?
[KNOCKING]
POLICEMAN: [GRUNTS]
Okay, that’s 122.50.
POLICEMAN: Not for me, kid. I don’t live here.
Oh. You just around for the holidays?
POLICEMAN: I guess you could say that.
Hey, pizza’s here!
Here you go. That’s 122.50.
It’s my brother’s house. He’ll take care of it.
[CHATTERING]
POLICEMAN: Hey, listen, uh…
PETER: Hi.
POLICEMAN: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?
Yeah.
POLICEMAN: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Yes.
Oh, good, ’cause somebody owes me 122.50.
POLICEMAN: I’d like a word with you, sir.
PETER: Am I under arrest or something?
POLICEMAN: No, no. It’s Christmastime. There’s always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. We’re checking the neighborhood to see if everyone’s taking the proper precautions, that’s all.
PETER: Oh, yeah. Well, we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That’s about as well as anybody can do these days. You get some eggnog?
BUZZ: Come on, Dad. Let’s eat.
Come on.
POLICEMAN: Eggnog? Listen, are you gonna be leaving, uh…
Pizza! Pizza!
Pizza!
[SIGHS]
WOMAN: Grab yourself a napkin.
You’re gonna have to pour your own drinks.
Does Santa Claus have to go through customs?
What time do we have to go to bed?
Early.
We’re leaving the house at 8:00 a.m. on the button.
KATE: I hope you’re all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it. Hey! Don’t you dare.
PETER: Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus a tip.
KATE: For pizza?
FRANK: Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.
Frank, you’ve got money. Come on.
Traveler’s checks.
KATE: Forget it, Frank. We have cash.
PETER: You’ve probably got traveler’s checks that don’t work in France. Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
BUZZ: Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any… somebody’s gonna have to barf it all up, ’cause it’s gone.
LESLIE: Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.
BUZZ: Kev! Kevin, get a plate.
[GRUNTING]
[IMITATES RETCHING]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Wow!
The passports! Watch it!
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
FRANK: Help me out here!
Let’s get these passports out of here.
KATE: Kevin, get off of him!
KEVIN: You moron! Are you okay, honey?
Come here. Are you all right?
KATE: What is the matter with you?
KEVIN: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives and…
Look what you did, you little jerk!
KATE: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
KEVIN: Why?
Kevin, you’re such a disease.
KEVIN: Shut up.
PETER: Kevin, upstairs!
KATE: Say good night, Kevin.
KEVIN: Good night, Kevin.
MEGAN: Now what’s for dinner?
KEVIN: Why do I always get treated like scum?
KATE: Oh, I’m sorry. This house is just crazy. We’ve got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It’s just nuts.
KEVIN: How come you didn’t bring more cheese pizzas?
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
KATE: Thanks.
POLICEMAN: Having a reunion or something?
KATE: My husband’s brother transferred to Paris last summer… and his kids are still going to school here, and I guess he missed the whole family. He’s giving us this trip to Paris so we can be together.
POLICEMAN: You’re taking a trip to Paris?
KATE: Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
POLICEMAN: Excellent. Excellent.
KATE: If you’ll excuse me, this one’s out of sorts. I’ll be right back.
POLICEMAN: Don’t worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don’t worry about your home. It’s in good hands.
KATE: There are 15 people in this house. You’re the only one that has to make trouble.
KEVIN: I’m the only one getting dumped on.
KATE: You’re the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.
KEVIN: I am upstairs, dummy. The third floor?
KATE: Go.
KEVIN: It’s scary up there.
KATE: Don’t be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
KEVIN: I don’t want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He’ll pee all over me. I know it.
KATE: Fine. We’ll put him somewhere else.
KEVIN: I’m sorry.
KATE: It’s too late. Get upstairs.
KEVIN: Everyone in this family hates me.
KATE: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
KEVIN: I don’t want a new family! I don’t want any family! Families suck!
KATE: Stay up there. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night.
KEVIN: I don’t want to see you for the rest of my whole life. And I don’t want to see anybody else either.
KATE: I hope you don’t mean that. You’d feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn’t have a family.
KEVIN: No, I wouldn’t.
KATE: Then say it again. Maybe it’ll happen.
KEVIN: I hope I never see any of you jerks again!
[THINKING]
KEVIN: I wish they would all just disappear.
[WINDOW SHUTTERS RATTLING]
[BEEPS]
[KNOCKING]
Where are they?
I don’t know. She said 8:00 sharp.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
KATE: Peter!
BOTH: We slept in!
[ALL CHATTERING]
MITCH: Hi. I’m Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We’re going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we’re going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Do you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it’s cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Gee, kid, I don’t know. Hit the road.
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
KATE: Heather, do a head count. Make sure everyone’s in the vans.
KATE: Where are the passports and tickets?
PETER: I put ’em in the microwave to dry ’em off.
MITCH: How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive?
Look, I told you before, kid, don’t bother me. Now beat it.
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
HEATHER: Come on. Hurry up. Line up in front off the van.
Did you take my batteries?
HEATHER: Line up and shut up!
MITCH: Wow!
HEATHER: Shut up. I gotta take a head count. One, two, three, four, five…
BUZZ: Eleven, 92, 12.
HEATHER: Buzz, don’t be a moron. Six, seven, eight… nine, 10, 11. Okay. Half in this van, half in this van.
Come on. Let’s go.
[CHATTERING]
MITCH: Have a good trip. Bring me back something French!
There’s no way on earth we’re gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
PETER: Think positive, Frank.
You be positive. I’ll be realistic.
Ma’am? Ma’am?
KATE: What?
I wanted to let you know your power’s fixed. Phone lines are a mess. Gonna take Ma Bell a couple of days to patch ’em up. Especially around the holidays.
KATE: Okay, thanks.
KATE: Heather! Did you count heads?
HEATHER: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers and a partridge in a pear tree.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]
♪♪ [MAN SINGING]
[CHATTERING]
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
This way!
PETER: Hold the plane!
KATE: Did we miss the flight?
No, you just made it.
[ALL CHEERING]
Single seats only in coach. Take whatever’s free.
Thank you.
I get a window seat!
[CHATTERING]
PETER: You kids are in coach.
We’re up here.
Here are your seats. Five “A” and “B” and four “A” and “B. “
I’ll take your coats.
PETER: Thank you.
Fasten your seat belts, please.
Champagne, please. It’s free, isn’t it?
Oh, yes.
PETER: We made it.
KATE: Do you believe it? Hope we didn’t forget anything.
What are you doing out of costume?
Now get back and get dressed.
I’m terribly sorry.
I thought you were our Santa Claus.
MAN: Your Santa Claus is intoxicated.
WOMAN: Oh, no.
Yes. It’s disgraceful!
How can you allow a man…
[MAN #2 SINGING DRUNKENLY]
WOMAN: What do you mean by drinking?
You know it’s not allowed!
MAN #2: But it’s cold.
A man’s gotta do something to keep warm.
MAN: I ought to take this cane and…
WOMAN: Julia, get some black coffee and plenty of it.
MAN #2: Black with a little cream.
[SHUTS TV OFF]
Mom?
Thank you.
That’s real crystal. It’s real.
Yeah. So?
Put ’em in your purse. Put ’em! Put ’em!
I can’t do that.
Put them in your purse!
Uh, yeah, yeah, fill it up, fill it up. Fill it up, please. Thank you.
KATE: Don’t you feel like a heel flying first class with the kids back in coach?
PETER: No, the kids are fine. Only flying I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon, and it wasn’t to France. We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur’s house. The kids are okay. They’re having the time of their lives.
KATE: Yeah.
KEVIN: Hello? Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys? Buzz? Buzz? Buzz? Megan? Hello? Hello? Rod? Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank, is this a joke? Megan? Linnie? Is this a joke?
[GROWLING]
KEVIN: [GASPS] It’s only my imagination. Only my imagination.
KEVIN: The cars are still here. They didn’t go to the airport.
KEVIN: I made my family disappear.
Kevin, you’re completely helpless.
You know, Kevin, you’re what the French call les incompetents.
BUZZ: Kevin, I’m going to feed you to my tarantula.
Kevin, you are such a disease.
KATE: There are 15 people in this house… and you’re the only one who has to make trouble.
FRANK: Look what you did, you little jerk.
KEVIN: I made my family disappear.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]
KEVIN: I’m free! Free! Free! [SHOUTING] [SCREAMING]
KEVIN: Wow! No clothes on anybody. Sickening! Cool! Firecrackers! I’ll save these for later. Buzz, I’m going through all your private stuff! You better come out and pound me! Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[“ANGELS WITH FILTHY SOULS” PLAYING]
JOHNNY: Who is it?
SNAKES: It’s me, Snakes. I got the stuff.
JOHNNY: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here.
SNAKES: All right, Johnny. But what about my money?
JOHNNY: What money?
SNAKES: Acey said you had some dough for me.
JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
SNAKES: Acey said 10%.
JOHNNY: Too bad Acey ain’t in charge no more.
SNAKES: What do you mean?
KEVIN: Guys, I’m eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!
JOHNNY: He’ll call you when he gets out. Hey. I tell you what I’m gonna give you, Snakes. I’m gonna give you to the count of 10… to get your ugly, yellow… no-good keister off my property… before I pump your guts full of lead.
SNAKES: All right, Johnny, I’m sorry.
JOHNNY: I’m goin’. One, two, ten!
[JOHNNY LAUGHING]
[GUNFIRE RESUMES]
JOHNNY: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
KEVIN: Mom!
PETER: What’s the matter? Honey?
KATE: I have a terrible feeling.
PETER: About what?
KATE: That we didn’t do something.
PETER: Oh, no, you feel that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. Believe me, we did.
KATE: Did I turn off the coffee?
PETER: No. I did.
KATE: Did you lock up?
PETER: Yeah.
KATE: Did you close the garage?
PETER: That’s it. I forgot to close the garage. That’s it.
KATE: No, that’s not it.
PETER: What else could we be forgetting?
KATE: Kevin!
KEVIN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[GRUNTS]
The captain’s doing all he can. Your phones are still out of order.
We’ll call as soon as we land, Kate. I’m sure everything’s okay.
FRANK: It’s horrible. Horrible. Just horrible.
KATE: How could we do this? We forgot him.
PETER: We didn’t forget him. We just… miscounted.
KATE: What kind of mother am I?
FRANK: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
HARRY: Five families gone on one block alone. They all told me from their own mouths.
MARV: [CHUCKLES] It’s almost too easy.
HARRY: Check it out. All the houses with nobody home… have automatic timers on their lights. But I got it all figured out. Watch this. Number 664 will be going on… right about… now.
MARV: Oh.
HARRY: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Number 672… right… now. [CHUCKLES] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 671 … now. And that’s the one, Marvin. That’s the silver tuna.
MARV: Oh, it’s very “G.”
HARRY: Very “G, ” huh? It’s loaded. It’s got lots of topflight goods. Stereos, VCR’s.
MARV: Toys.
HARRY: Probably lookin’ at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoard. Odd marketable securities. Who knows? It’s a gem. Grab your crowbar. Crowbars up.
♪♪ [MAN SINGING]
[VAN DOORS CLOSE]
[KEVIN GASPS]
[GASPS]
MARV: Which way?
HARRY: We’ll go around back to the basement. Follow me.
MARV: I thought you said they were gone.
HARRY: They were supposed to leave this morning.
MARV: Let’s get out of here.
[VAN DOORS CLOSING]
[KEVIN PANTING]
[VAN DRIVING AWAY]
[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH OVER P.A.]
KATE: We have to use the phone, please.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
KATE: It’s an emergency. We really have to make a call.
Please! Our brother’s home alone.
[FRENCH]
Give us the phone!
KATE: Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you. Peter, I’m gonna call the police. Why don’t you book us a flight home. Get some change out of here. Call everybody you know. Oh. Leslie. Here’s my address book. You and Frank call everybody who lives on our street. Maybe somebody can help us.
[MAN SPEAKING FRENCH]
KATE: Hello? Hello? Hello? She’ll have to call you back.
KEVIN: This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. And I can’t be a wimp. I’m the man of the house.
Hey! I’m not afraid anymore! I said, I’m not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I’m not afraid anymore!
[OBJECT CLATTERING]
[KEVIN SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[PHONE RINGING]
Village Police Department.
KATE: Hi. Look, I’m calling from Paris. I have a son who’s home alone. Our phones are out of order, so I’d like somebody to go to our house… and tell him we’re coming home to get him.
Let me connect you with Family Crisis Intervention.
KATE: It’s not a family crisis.
Hold on. Larry, can you pick up? There’s some lady on hold, sounds kind of hyper.
What line, Rose?
Uh, two.
Family Crisis Intervention. Sergeant Balzak.
KATE: I am calling from Paris. I have a son who’s home alone.
Has the child been involved in a violent altercation… with a drunken and/or mentally ill member of his immediate family?
KATE: No.
Has he been involved in a household accident?
KATE: I don’t know. I don’t… I hope not.
Has the child ingested any poison… and/or any other object that has become lodged in his throat?
KATE: No, he’s just home alone! I would like somebody to go over to the house… and see that he’s all right, just to check on him.
You want us to go to your house just to check on him?
KATE: Yes!
Let me connect you with the police department.
KATE: They just transferred me to you.
Rose?
Yeah?
Hyper on two. Hold on, please.
KATE: No, please don’t hang up. Please, don’t–
KATE: Any luck?
No. We couldn’t get anybody.
KATE: Leslie?
I’m sorry, Kate. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines.
KATE: Somebody pick up. Pick up!
Hi, ma’am. It’s you again.
KATE: Yeah, hi. Look. I’m calling from Paris. I have a son who’s home alone, and I–
Okay, okay. We’ll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son.
[KNOCKING]
[KNOCKING]
[KEVIN GASPS]
[KNOCKING]
There’s no one home. The house looks secure. Tell ’em to count their kids again.
MAN: Ten-four.
I can’t believe you can’t bump somebody or ask somebody–
I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can do that.
Isn’t there a way if you ask somebody? If you explained this is an emergency.
I wish I could–
KATE: They’re sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kevin.
That’s a relief. Everything here is booked.
KATE: There’s nothing to Chicago?
There’s nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville. You name it. Everything’s gone.
KATE: What about a private plane?
No, I’m sorry. We don’t do that.
The only thing they have is a booking for all of us on Friday morning.
KATE: Friday morning? That’s two days away.
Look, honey, the kids are exhausted. You are exhausted. There’s absolutely nothing more we can do in this airport. I say we go to Rob’s, we can call the police, and they can get back to us.
KATE: Kevin is home all by himself. I’m not leaving here unless it’s on an airplane.
Madame, we are doing everything we can. If you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on a standby. It is a possibility that a seat will open up.
Is that okay?
KATE: Yes. I’ll wait.
♪♪ [MAN SINGING]
KATE: Bye. I’ll miss you.
Bye. Find Kevin.
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
Don’t you get lost.
KATE: [CHUCKLES] Goodbye.
FRANK: Goodbye, Kate.
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
♪♪ [ENDS]
KEVIN: I took a shower, washing every body part with actual soap… including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button… which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult-formula shampoo… and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.
[SCREAMING]
KEVIN: Whoa! [MOANS] All right! Buzz’s life savings.
KEVIN: I thought the Murphys went to Florida.
[LOUD CLATTERING]
You know, you’re one of the great cat burglars of the world, Marv. You think you could keep it down a little in there?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hi, you’ve reached the Murphys. Please leave a message after you hear the beep. Chuck, this is Peter McCallister again, and we’re still in Paris at my brother’s apartment. Let me give you the number here, okay? The country code is 33. The area code is 14. And the number is 6948764.
Hey, Harry?
Yeah?
House we were at last night, was that the McCallisters?
Yeah.
Call me in Paris.
You’re right. They’re gone.
I knew they were.
Silver tuna tonight. [CHUCKLES]
HARRY: Wow.
How may I help you?
KEVIN: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Well, I don’t know. It doesn’t say, hon.
KEVIN: Can you please find out?
Herb!
Yeah?
I’ve got a question here about a toothbrush. Do you know, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
I don’t know.
[BOOTS SQUEAKING]
[GASPS]
Just tell him that
Oh, hon, you pay for that here.
Why don’t you just tell him it’s approved?
WOMAN: Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? Son! Hey! Jimmy! Stop that boy!
Hey! Hey! Shoplifter!
[KEVIN GASPS]
Hey! Hey, kid! Come back here!
[WOMEN GASPING]
WOMAN: Watch it!
Come back here! Stop it, will ya! Come here!
KEVIN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
KEVIN: Yeehaw!
KEVIN: I’m a criminal.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
What’s so funny? What’s so funny? What are you laughin’ at? You did it again, didn’t you? You left the water runnin’, didn’t you? What’s wrong with you? I told you not to do it.
Harry, it’s our calling card. Calling card. All the great ones leave their mark. We’re the “Wet Bandits.”
You’re sick, you know that? You’re really sick.
I’m not sick.
Yes, you are.
I’m not sick!
That’s a sick thing to do!
We don’t need that heat.
Don’t tell me what to do.
I can do it if I want to.
You’re sick.
I’m not sick.
Hey, watch out!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[KEVIN SCREAMING]
Hey. Hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son, you know?
KEVIN: Sorry.
Damn.
Santy don’t visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
HARRY: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[KEVIN GASPS]
What’s the matter?
I don’t like the way that kid looked at me. Did you see that?
You ever seen him before?
I saw a hundred kids this week.
Let’s see what house he goes into.
[WHISTLING]
MARV: Why is he goin’ faster?
I told you something’s wrong. I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?
[BELL TOLLING]
MARV: Maybe he went in the church.
I’m not goin’ in there.
Me neither.
Ah, let’s get out of here.
KEVIN: When those guys come back, I’ll be ready.
♪♪ [WOMAN SINGING OVER STEREO]
Did they come back?
HARRY: From Paris?
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
HARRY: We’ll come back tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be gone by then. We’d better get out of here before somebody sees us.
♪♪ [ENDS]
[HORNS HONKING]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Attention! Attention! Look what I have found in “ze” kitchen!
Frank, those are for later.
Frank?
Mes petites enfants, do you want a little shrimp, eh?
Oper… Do you speak English?
[OPERATOR SPEAKING FRENCH] Parlez anglais?
Is there– I mean– Est ce qui un person qui parle anglais?
Did you get anybody?
I’m looking for my son! Do you know where he is?
I can’t find anybody. They’ve all gone shopping. Nobody’s home for the holidays.
PETER: Never mind. Forget it.
This is so pointless.
What?
We’re here rotting in this apartment. Kevin’s at home. Mom’s at the airport.
So?
You’re not at all worried about Kevin?
Why should I be? He’s acted like a jerk too many times, and this time he caught it in the butt.
But he’s so little and helpless. Don’t you think he’s flipped out?
The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world.
You’re not worried that something might happen to him?
No. For three reasons. “A”: I’m not that lucky. Two: We have smoke detectors. And “D”: We live in the most boring street in the United States of America… where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen, period.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTS]
[JOHNNY’S VOICE] Who is it?
It’s Little Nero’s, sir. I have your pizza.
JOHNNY: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Okay. Um, well, what about the money?
JOHNNY: What money?
Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.
JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Uh, that’ll be 11.80, sir.
JOHNNY: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Cheapskate.
JOHNNY: Hey. I’m gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly… yellow, no-good keister off my property… before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, ten!
[GUNFIRE]
[JOHNNY LAUGHING]
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
KEVIN: [SNIFFING] A lovely cheese pizza just for me.
WOMAN: [OVER P.A] To Dallas-Fort Worth.
[WOMAN CONTINUES IN FRENCH]
KATE: We have the $500, the pocket translator… the two first-class seats-that’s an upgrade from your coach…
Is that a real Rolex?
KATE: Do you think it is?
No.
KATE: But who can tell? I also have a ring.
That is beautiful!
Come on. They’re boarding.
This gal has offered us two first-class tickets if we go Friday. Plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500 and…
KATE: The earrings. You love the earrings.
She’s got her own earrings. A whole shoe box full of’ em. Dangley ones. Come on, come on.
No, but…
KATE: I’m desperate. I’m begging you. From a mother to a mother, please.
Oh, Ed.
KATE: Please.
ED: Oh, all right.
“Dear Santa Claus. I got a little sister last year. This year I’d rather have some clay dough.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[MAN CONTINUES CHATTERING ON TV]
KEVIN: I didn’t mean it. If you come back, I’ll never be a pain in the butt again. I promise. Good night.
[KISSES PICTURE]
♪♪ [MEN SCATTING]
♪ I’m dreaming
♪ Of a white
♪ Christmas
♪ Just like the ones I used to know
♪ Where those treetops glisten
♪ And children listen
♪ To hear sleigh bells
♪ In the snow
♪ The snow
[SCREAMING]
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
♪♪ [FADES]
[WOMAN OVER P.A. SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
KEVIN: Are those microwave dinners any good?
I don’t know.
KEVIN: I’ll give ’em a whirl. For the kids. Hold on. I got a coupon for that. It was in the paper this morning.
19.83.
KEVIN: Okay.
Are you here all by yourself?
KEVIN: Ma’am, I’m eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don’t think so.
Where’s your mom?
KEVIN: My mom’s in the car.
And where is your father?
KEVIN: He’s at work.
What about your brothers and your sisters?
KEVIN: I’m an only child.
Where do you live?
KEVIN: I can’t tell you that.
Why not?
KEVIN: ‘Cause you’re a stranger.
[FURNACE GROANING] Hello, Kevin! [SINISTER LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: Shut up.
HARRY: I don’t get it. I mean, right now it looks like there’s nobody home. Last night the place is jumpin’. Somethin’ ain’t right. Go check it out.
Now?
HARRY: No, tomorrow, egghead. Now! Go ahead! “Now?”
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
MARV: Shit.
Get the hell outta here.
All right, Johnny. But what about my money?
JOHNNY: What money?
Acey said you had some dough for me.
JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Acey said 10%.
Too bad Acey ain’t in charge no more.
What do you mean?
JOHNNY: He’s upstairs taking a bath. He’ll call you when he gets out. Hey. I tell you what I’m gonna give you, Snakes.
Snakes?
I’m gonna give you to the count of 10… to get your ugly, yellow… no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead.
All right, Johnny, I’m sorry.
I’m goin’. One, two, ten!
[GUNFIRE]
[GASPS]
[JOHNNY LAUGHING]
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
[PANTING]
HARRY: What happened?
MARV: I don’t know who’s in there, but somebody just got blown away!
Huh?
Somebody beat us to the job. They’re in there! Two of’ em. They was arguing. One of’ em blew the other one away.
Who?
I don’t know. I thought I recognized one of their voices. And I know I heard that name Snakes before.
Snakes? Snakes, Snakes. I don’t know no Snakes.
Snakes. Let’s get out of here.
HARRY: Hold it, hold it. Let’s wait and see who it is. We work this neighborhood too.
Yeah.
HARRY: Supposin’ the cops finger us for a job… and they start asking us questions about a murder in the area. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a face to go with their questions?
That’s a good idea.
HARRY: Of course it’s a good idea. Snakes?
He sounded like a snake.
[TYPING]
Everything’s full.
KATE: Everything’s full?
I’m very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve.
KATE: [MOANS] What about another airline?
[TYPING] Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? Tomorrow afternoon we can get you a flight to Chicago.
KATE: I can’t wait that long.
I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but we’re doing absolutely everything we can.
KATE: Go ahead. I’m in your way. You have places to go, people to see. You got a ticket there.
That’s good.
KATE: Excuse me. Look. I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I’m tired and I’m dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to– Where the hell am I?
Scranton.
KATE: I am trying to get home to my eight-year-old son! And now that I’m this close, you’re telling me it’s hopeless?
I’m sorry.
KATE: No. No, no, no, no way. This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope!
Ma’am, if I…
KATE: I don’t care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike… if it costs me everything I own… if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself… I am going to get home to my son.
Ma’am, if there was anything at all I could do for you today…
KATE: Do it. Do anything.
I can get you a hotel room.
KATE: What?
Excuse me.
Can you excuse us for a second? Can I see you for a second? Please. Excuse us. Come. Couldn’t help but hearin’ you got a little bit of a dilemma there. We got a crisis ourselves. [LAUGHING] Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinski. How are you? Polka king of the Midwest? The Kenosha Kickers?
Hi there.
Hiya.
No? That’s okay. I thought you might’ve recognized– Anyways, uh, I had a few hits a few years ago. Uh, that’s why, you know “Polka, Polka, Polka”?
♪♪ [SINGING]
No? “Twin Lakes Polka.” “Yamahoozie Polka, ” a.k.a. “Kiss Me Polka.” “Polka Twist.”
KATE: These are songs?
Yeah. Yeah. We– Some fairly big hits for us. You know, in the early ’70s, you know?
KATE: Oh.
Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.
KATE: In Chicago?
No. Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan.
KATE: I’m sorry. Did you say you could help me?
Anyway, I’m rambling on here. [LAUGHING] Our flight was canceled, so we gotta drive. So, uh, see the guy in the yellow jacket over there by the Budget sign? He’s gonna rent us a nice big, uh, van, and we’re gonna drive to Milwaukee. I heard you had some problems here, uh, gettin’ to Chicago to see your kid or somethin’?
KATE: Uh, my son. He– We left and he’s there.
Aw, geez. If you have to get to Chicago, we’ll gladly drive you. It’s on the way to Milwaukee.
KATE: You’d give me a ride?
Sure we will. Why not, you know? You gotta get home and see your kid.
KATE: A ride to Chicago?
Sure. You know, it’s Christmastime.
KATE: Thank you. Oh, thank you.
If you don’t mind goin’ with some polka bums.
KATE: No, I’d love to.
[SNORING]
HARRY: Hey, Marv, Marv, Marv.
What?
HARRY: Look at this. I think we’re gettin’ scammed by a “kindygartener.”
[CHUCKLES]
[GASPS]
KEVIN: Dad, can you come here and help me?
HARRY: Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here.
Well, if the kid’s there, the parents gotta be.
HARRY: He’s home alone.
You gotta be kiddin’. You wanna come back tonight?
Uh-huh.
Even with the kid here?
Uh-huh.
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
That house is the only reason we started workin’ this block in the first place. Ever since I laid eyes on that house, I wanted it. So let’s take it one step at a time, okay? We’ll unload the van. We’ll get a bite to eat. We’ll come back about 9:00.
KEVIN: 9:00.
This way it’s dark then.
Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark.
You’re afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are.
No, I’m not!
Yes, you are.
I’m not, not, not.
You are so.
KEVIN: [WHISPERING] Mom, where are you?
♪♪ [“DECK THE HALLS” PLAYS, POLKASTYLE]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
Do you play? You want to try it? Go ahead. Try it. Try it. Try it.
KATE: No.
Okay.
[LAUGHS]
KEVIN: Excuse me.
Yeah?
KEVIN: Hey, nice shoes.
Oh, thanks.
KEVIN: Is he still here? It’s really important that I see him.
He’s getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him.
Damn! How low can you get? Givin’ Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve. What’s next? Rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
KEVIN: Santa, hold on! Can I talk to you for a minute?
If you make it quick. Santa’s got a little get-together he’s late for.
KEVIN: Okay. I know you’re not the real Santa Claus.
What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity.
KEVIN: I’m old enough to know how it works.
All right.
KEVIN: But I also know that you work for him. And I’d like you to give him a message.
Shoot.
KEVIN: I’m Kevin McCallister, 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number?
No, that’s all right.
KEVIN: Okay. This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that, instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And, if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
Okay. I’ll see what I can do.
KEVIN: Thanks.
Wait. Hold on a second. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.
KEVIN: That’s okay.
No, no, no. Don’t be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has gotta get… somethin’. Here. Hold out your little paw there. There you go. Don’t spoil your dinner.
KEVIN: I won’t. Thanks.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[GEARS GRINDING]
[ENGINE STALLS]
Son of a…
[CHATTERING]
♪♪ [WOMAN SINGING]
♪♪ [ENDS]
♪♪ [CHOIR SINGING]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
[GASPS]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
MARLEY: Merry Christmas.
KEVIN: Huh?
MARLEY: May I sit down?
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
MARLEY: That’s my granddaughter up there. The little redhaired girl. She’s about your age. Do you know her?
KEVIN: No.
MARLEY: You live next to me, don’t you?
KEVIN: Yeah.
MARLEY: You can say hello when you see me. You don’t have to be afraid. There’s a lot of things going around about me, but none of it’s true. Okay? You been a good boy this year?
KEVIN: I think so.
MARLEY: Swear to it?
KEVIN: No.
MARLEY: Yeah, I had a feeling. Well, this is the place to be if you’re feeling bad about yourself.
KEVIN: It is?
MARLEY: I think so.
KEVIN: Are you feeling bad about yourself?.
MARLEY: No.
♪♪ [CHOIR, INDISTINCT]
KEVIN: I’ve been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn’t have. I really haven’t been too good this year.
MARLEY: Yeah.
KEVIN: I’m kind of upset about it… because I really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don’t. Sometimes I even think I don’t. Do you get that?
MARLEY: I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.
KEVIN: Especially with an older brother.
MARLEY: Deep down you always love ’em, but you can forget that you love ’em. And you can hurt them, and they can hurt you. And that’s not just because you’re young. You want to know the real reason that I’m here right now?
KEVIN: Sure.
MARLEY: I came to hear my granddaughter sing, and I can’t come and hear her tonight.
KEVIN: You have plans?
MARLEY: No. I’m not welcome.
KEVIN: At church?
MARLEY: Oh, you’re always welcome at church. I’m not welcome with my son. Years back, before you and your family moved on the block… I had an argument with my son.
KEVIN: How old is he?
MARLEY: Oh, he’s grown up. We lost our tempers… and I said I didn’t care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven’t spoken to each other since.
KEVIN: If you miss him, why don’t you call him?
MARLEY: I’m afraid if I call him, he won’t talk to me.
KEVIN: How do you know?
MARLEY: I don’t know. I’m just afraid he won’t.
KEVIN: No offense, but aren’t you a little old to be afraid?
MARLEY: You can be a little old for a lot of things. You’re never too old to be afraid.
KEVIN: That’s true. I’ve always been afraid of our basement. It’s dark, there’s weird stuff down there, and it smells funny. That sort of thing. It’s bothered me for years.
MARLEY: Basements are like that.
KEVIN: Then I made myself go down there to do some laundry… and I found out it’s not so bad. All this time I’ve been worrying about it… but if you turn on the lights, it’s no big deal.
MARLEY: What’s your point?
KEVIN: My point is you should call your son.
MARLEY: What if he won’t talk to me?
KEVIN: At least you’ll know. Then you could stop worrying about it… and you won’t have to be afraid anymore. I don’t care how mad I was, I’d talk to my dad… especially around the holidays.
MARLEY: [SIGHS] I don’t know.
KEVIN: Just give it a shot. For your granddaughter anyway. I’m sure she misses you… and the presents.
MARLEY: I send her a check.
KEVIN: I wish my grandparents sent that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
MARLEY: Oh, that’s nice.
KEVIN: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that.
MARLEY: Oh?
KEVIN: Yeah. I have a friend who got nailed ’cause there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.
MARLEY: You’d better run along home where you belong. You think about what I said. All right?
KEVIN: Okay.
MARLEY: It was nice talking to you.
KEVIN: Nice talking to you.
♪♪ [CHOIR SINGING]
KEVIN: What about you?
MARLEY: Me?
KEVIN: Yeah. You and your son.
MARLEY: We’ll see what happens. Merry Christmas.
KEVIN: Merry Christmas.
♪♪ [SINGING]
[BELL TOLLING]
♪♪ [CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
KEVIN: This is my house. I have to defend it.
[BELL DINGS]
HARRY: Okay, we’ll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck.
How do you wanna go in?
HARRY: We’ll go to the back door. Maybe he’ll let us in. You never know.
Yeah. He’s a kid. Kids are stupid.
KEVIN: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner… and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.
[CLOCK CHIMING]
KEVIN: This is it. Don’t get scared now.
[KNOCKING]
HARRY: Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you’re in there… and that you’re all alone.
MARV: Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It’s Santa Claus and his elf.
We’re not gonna hurt you.
No, no. We got some nice presents for you.
HARRY: Be a good little fella now and open the door.
[GUN FIRES]
[GROANING]
Shoot!
[MUTTERING]
What? What? What?
[MUTTERING CONTINUES]
What? What happened?
Get that little…
[MUTTERING CONTINUES]
KEVIN: Hello.
[SCREAMS, GROANING]
KEVIN: Yes! Yes!
The little jerk is armed!
HARRY: That’s it! That’s it! I’m goin’ around the front! You go down the basement!
That little…
[MUTTERS]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
[PANTING]
MARV: Ow!
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
HARRY: That smart aleck.
[WHIMPERS, GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS]
HARRY: Oh, boy, that’s it, you little-you little son of a– Oh, not this time, you little brat. [CHUCKLES] You little creep, you, where are you? Where are you, you little creep? [SCREAMING]
[HUFFING]
[SCREAMING, GROANING]
[SIZZLING]
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHING]
KEVIN: Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[MUTTERING]
HARRY: I’ll rip his head off!
[MUTTERING CONTINUES]
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
HARRY: You’re dead, kid.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[SIZZLING]
[GROANING]
[MUTTERS]
[YELPS]
[CROWBAR CLATTERS]
[WHIMPERING]
[CHUCKLES, MUTTERS]
[GRUNTS]
HARRY: Where are you, you little creep?
[GRUNTING]
MARV: Harry! I’m comin’ in!
KEVIN: Oh, no, I’m really scared!
HARRY: It’s too late for you, kid. We’re already in the house. We’re gonna get you!
KEVIN: Okay. Come and get me.
HARRY: Why, you– Now you’re dead!
[SCREAMING]
MARV: I’m gonna kill that kid!
[SCREAMS, WHIMPERS]
[SPUTTERING]
HARRY: Marv!
Harry?
HARRY: Why the hell’d you take your shoes off?
Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?
KEVIN: I’m up here, you morons! Come and get me!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
KEVIN: You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?
[GROANING]
HARRY: Heads up!
MARV: Huh?
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
HARRY: Don’t worry, Marv. I’ll get him for you.
[YELLING]
HARRY Ow!
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
KEVIN: Yes!
He’s only a kid, Harry. We can take him.
HARRY: Aw, shut up, will ya!
Oh!
HARRY: What is it?
You’re missin’ some teeth.
HARRY: Where? It’s my gold tooth. My gold tooth! I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him!
[MUTTERING]
[GROANING]
HARRY: You bomb me with one more can, kid… and I’ll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!
MAN ON PHONE: 911 Emergency.
[DEEP VOICE] Help. My house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name’s Murphy.
HARRY: Watch it. You never know what’s up there. There he is! [SCREAMS]
[YELLS]
Ah! I got ya! I got him, Harry! Harry, I got him! [MUTTERS] Harry, get up! Give me a hand! Ow! I got him! [GRUNTING] Harry, help me! Get up! I got him! [SCREAMING]
HARRY: What are you doing, Marv?
Harry, don’t move.
HARRY: Marv?
Don’t… move!
HARRY: Marv, what are you doing? Marv– [GRUNTS, MUTTERS]
Did I get him? Did I get him? Where is it? Where is it?
HARRY: Never mind did you get it! How do you like it? Huh? You jerk! Get that kid! Go on! Get the kid!
KEVIN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[SCREAMING]
HARRY: Where’d he go?
Maybe he committed suicide.
KEVIN: Down here, you big horse’s ass! Come and get me before I call the police!
Let’s get him!
HARRY: Wait. Wait. That’s just what he wants us to do-us to go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up.
He’s gonna call the cops!
HARRY: He’s not callin’ the… From a tree house? Come on.
Out the window?
HARRY: Yeah.
I’m not goin’ out the window.
HARRY: Why? Are you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? Come on. Get out here. Come on.
[SHUDDERING]
HARRY: Come on!
[GASPS, WHIMPERING]
HARRY: Come on.
HARRY: Keep goin’. Keep goin’.
Let’s go back, Harry.
HARRY: Shut up!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
[WHIMPERING]
HARRY: Shut it, Marv!
KEVIN: Hey, guys, check this out.
HARRY: Go back! Go back!
[WHIMPERING]
HARRY: Go back.
MARV: Okay.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
HARRY: There he goes! There he is! Get out of the way, you dope!
[BOTH PANTING, GROANING]
There he is!
KEVIN: Hey, I’m calling the cops.
HARRY: Wait, wait, wait, wait. He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on.
HARRY: Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. Get over here!
[GRUNTING]
What are we gonna do to him, Harry?
HARRY: We’ll do exactly what he did to us. I’m gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
Then we can smash his face with an iron!
HARRY: I’d like to slap him right in the face with a paint can maybe.
Or shove a nail through his foot.
HARRY: I’m gonna bite off every one of these little fingers one at a time.
[GASPS]
[MEN LAUGHING]
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
MARLEY: Come on. Let’s get you home.
[SIRENS WAILING]
[CHATTERING]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
KEVIN: Wow. This is great.
Nice move always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you’ve hit.
Hey, you know, we’ve been looking for you two guys for a long time.
Yeah.
Well, remember, we’re the Wet Bandits. Wet Bandits. WET…
HARRY: Shut up!
Get in the car!
Hey, come on. Come on.
Hands off the head, pal!
Come on!
♪♪ [MAN SINGING SOFTLY]
[SIREN WAILING]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [ENDS]
KATE: I’m a bad parent. I’m a bad parent.
You’re not. You know, you’re beating yourself up there, you know. Come on. This happens. These things happen. You know, you– Gee, you wanna talk about bad parents? Look at… Look at us. I mean, we’re on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year. We hardly see our families. Uh, Joe over there— Gosh, you know, he—
[SNORING]
He forgets his kids’ names half the time. Ziggy over there– He doesn’t even– He’s never even met his kid. Eddie– Let’s just hope none of them write a book about him.
KATE: Tell me, have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?
No.
KATE: [CHUCKLES]
But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was-it was terrible too. You know, I was all distraught and everything. You know, the wife and I… we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, and we went back at night when we came to our senses. And there he was. Apparently he was there alone all day with a corpse.
KATE: Oh!
Whew, yeah. He was okay, you know. After six, seven weeks, you know, he came around and started talking again. But he’s okay. You know, they get over it. Kids are resilient like that.
KATE: Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.
Well, you brought it up. I was just trying to cheer you up.
KATE: Well, I’m sorry I did.
KEVIN: Mom? Mom? Mom? [SIGHS]
[BELLS JINGLING]
[DOOR OPENS]
KATE: Kevin? Kevin!
KATE: [SIGHS] Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Kevin, I’m so sorry. [SIGHS, CRYING]
KEVIN: Where is everybody else?
KATE: Oh, baby, they couldn’t come. They wanted to so much, but–
I didn’t fall asleep in the back of the cab and drool all over you, did I?
I don’t drool.
You guys, would you shut up!
Come on, you guys, it’s Christmas.
Kevin! Kevin, Kevin, my boy! Oh, my God! Kevin, how are ya?
Merry Christmas.
Hi, Mom.
Good to see you. Ah, you’re all right.
I love you. You okay?
Yeah.
Hey, Kev. It’s pretty cool that you didn’t burn the place down.
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
Thanks, Buzz.
KATE: Wait a minute. How did you guys get home?
Oh, we took the morning flight. Remember? The one you didn’t want to wait for.
KATE: Oh, no. [LAUGHS] Oh, thank you.
Merry Christmas.
KATE: Merry Christmas. Someone has to find an open store. We don’t have milk.
I went shopping yesterday.
You? Shopping?
I got some milk, eggs and fabric softener.
What?
No kiddin’? What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
Just hung around.
[ALL LAUGHING]
You guys, put the stuff upstairs. You went shopping? He doesn’t know how to tie his shoe, and he’s going shopping?
KATE: Buzz, forget it.
This is not the Kevin I knew.
Honey, what’s this?
BUZZ: Kevin! What did you do to my room?
♪♪ [ORCHESTRA]
♪♪ [WOMEN SINGING]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪♪ [ENDS]
♪♪ [ENDS]
