Friendship (2024)
Director: Andrew DeYoung
Writer: Andrew DeYoung
Release date: November 14, 2025 ( Disney+ and Hulu)
Stars: Tim Robinson (Craig Waterman), Paul Rudd (Austin Carmichael), Kate Mara (Tami Waterman), Jack Dylan Grazer (Steven Waterman)
Plot: Craig Waterman, a marketing executive in the fictional city of Clovis, is preparing to sell his family home alongside his wife, Tami. Recently recovered from cancer, Tami is frustrated with Craig’s emotional unavailability and his lack of interest in her flower business and has rekindled a relationship with her ex-boyfriend Devon, leaving Craig increasingly adrift. The new neighbor, Austin Carmichael, a quirky local meteorologist, drops off a gift to Tami to introduce himself. Austin invites Craig over for a beer that evening, which Tami accepts on Craig’s behalf. Craig reluctantly agrees.
During their first hangout, Craig and Austin strike up an unexpected friendship, bonding over music, work frustrations, and a shared sense of restlessness. That night, Austin shows Craig a hidden tunnel system beneath Clovis City Hall, and they explore it together. Craig introduces Austin to his personal mantra “just ask”, a philosophy that inspires Austin to pursue his longtime dream of becoming the town’s daytime weatherman.
The next day, Austin calls Craig at work and convinces him to play hooky to go mushroom hunting in a nearby bog. On the way back, they pass a yellow sports car, and Austin says that if he ever buys one, Craig will be the first to ride in it. As their bond strengthens, Craig becomes increasingly infatuated with Austin, especially after Craig and Tami attend one of Austin’s punk rock shows. Energized by the connection, Craig becomes a more attentive husband, father, and coworker.
Cracks begin to form after Austin invites Craig to a hangout with a group of his friends. Initially cordial, the evening takes a turn when Craig, feeling insecure and desperate to fit in, escalates a friendly boxing match with Austin by landing a cheap shot. The group recoils, and Craig responds by stuffing a bar of soap in his mouth as a bizarre act of self-punishment.
After the incident, Austin distances himself. Desperate to reconnect, Craig visits the TV station unannounced and causes Austin to stumble during his first daytime weather broadcast. Austin formally cuts ties with Craig, but Craig continues to obsess over him, breaking into Austin’s home while his wife Bianca naps and inadvertently stealing a handgun from Austin’s home office.
In an effort to recreate the intimacy he felt with Austin, Craig takes Tami on a manic date through the underground tunnels beneath city hall, during which Tami becomes disoriented and goes missing. After getting the police involved in the search, Craig and Austin are arrested for trespassing in the sewer previously. In jail, it is revealed Austin wears a hairpiece, a secret he begs Craig to keep. Craig’s downward spiral continues — he loses a client pitch and suffers a public meltdown, resulting in his termination from the marketing firm. Tami is eventually found, shaken but safe. At her welcome-back party, Craig is shunned by Tami’s friends and family and upstaged by Devon. Tami soon moves into Devon’s pool house.
Some time later, Craig attempts to rebuild his life by working as a parking officer. He reconnects with his son, Steven and buys Tami a van to support her flower business. The family appears to be on the mend until Craig drives past Austin’s house and sees him hosting another guys’ night, with the yellow sports car parked in his driveway. Overcome with jealousy, Craig storms the gathering and tries to ingratiate himself into the group, eventually holding them at gunpoint while doing so. When Austin attempts to wrestle the gun out of Craig’s hands, it goes off, causing everyone to duck for cover. In the struggle, Austin’s toupée once again comes off. Desperate to retain this shared secret, Craig threatens Austin’s friends to stay on the ground while Austin puts his hairpiece back on.
The police arrive and Craig knocks himself unconscious while attempting to flee. In the back of the patrol car, Craig imagines an alternate version of events in which nothing went wrong during that initial group hang. Craig watches from the back of the patrol car as Austin turns and gives him a wink. Craig then smiles at him.
* * *
Friendship (2024) | Transcript
[rhythmic chanting]
♪
[woman] Thank you.
Would anyone else like to share?
I’m Tammy.
[woman] Hi, Tammy.
Hi.
Things have been okay.
Yeah. Um…
Still really hoping to get a bigger car.
It’s one of our goals for TSDY.
Uh, sorry.
Um… try something different year.
It’s like a thing we found online.
We decided to try it out once I got better.
Um…
Uh…
[deep exhale]
I’ve been cancer-free for 12 months.
But, um…
You know, I still just live with the terror that it’s gonna come back.
It’s not coming back.
[scoffs]
He always says that, but, you know, I just have a lot of anxiety.
Focusing on my business really helps.
Um…
[laughs]
My friend Devin makes me laugh hard.
So…
Devin?
Yeah, my ex. The firefighter.
Um, rekindling that friendship has… it’s really helped me.
You know, community is so important.
But I worry.
Will I ever see my son graduate?
Will I ever orgasm again?
Sorry. This is, uh, not so exciting, but this group really helps, so, thank you.
[woman] Craig…
Anything you wanna share?
Everything is really awesome.
Tammy deserves a parade.
And I’m orgasming fine.
I’ll share, I’ll share.
Um… this has been a great week for me.
[woman] Craig.
The mailman screwed up again.
Can you bring the package to the neighbor’s?
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
Craig Waterman. Yeah.
Yeah. I’m in the car now.
Actually, I’m in the parking lot.
I’ll be up there in two seconds.
Perfect. Perfect.
Perfect. Bye.
[knocking]
Hello?
Hello?
[footsteps approaching]
Hi.
Howdy.
Are you Austin?
Guilty.
Yeah, the, uh… mailman screwed up.
Uh, I’m down there at the end of the block there.
Oh, with the for sale sign?
Yeah. About to leave the neighborhood.
It’s a bummer. Wish I could’ve gotten to know you, but yeah we’re leaving.
Sorry about this.
Oh, not your fault.
Some mailman idiot always messes up.
Well, it’s gonna happen, I guess.
Yeah. I didn’t open it or look or anything.
I know that that’s illegal.
Oh. Thank you.
Yep. No worries.
Hey, I didn’t catch your name, by the way.
Oh, it’s, uh, Craig Waterman.
Stay curious, Craig Waterman.
You too, Austin.
♪
Full mug coming through here.
Careful, careful, careful. Full mug.
Hey, java king!
Fuckin’ moron.
Nicholas from Serotonin Solutions. Sam is on.
How was everyone’s weekend?
[overlapping conversations]
[overlapping conversations]
I need to get a bigger car.
I know. Let’s sell the house first.
I can’t fit this stuff.
Look what happened, it fell over.
Hey, Shannon. Hey, gang.
Hi.
You didn’t steal anything, did you?
House has got good bones, right?
Sorry my wife’s stuff is everywhere.
Yeah.
A beautiful neighborhood too.
Nice people there.
Really good people there.
You have a good day.
Awesome.
Shit.
Didn’t even fucking talk to me.
Can you put that in the front?
Like, try and find a spot?
I don’t know where to put it.
Yes, yes, yes. Ah, I got water on me!
[Tammy] Stevie… can you pass me that, please?
Super beautiful.
Thank you.
What are those?
Oh, honey. The new neighbor Austin.
He brought these over for us earlier.
He also invited you over for a drink at 8:00 tonight.
I said you’d go.
You don’t know my schedule.
You sit there every night.
It might be nice to have a pal, you know, a bud.
[phone rings]
Hello, Tammy’s florals, Steven speaking.
Just welcome him to the neighborhood.
There’s a new Marvel out.
It’s supposed to be nuts.
We should go see that.
Oh… my ex-boyfriend Devin, he invited me out for a drink tonight.
Thank you so much.
[receiver thuds]
Okay. Two Luna arrangements for a 90th.
Extra lavender.
Stevie, your mom’s abandoning us.
It’s just you and I.
We gotta go see that Marvel tonight.
I already saw it. It’s sorta…
Ah! Don’t spoil it.
Do not spoil it.
What’s going on?
Honey.
Please don’t go out with this fucking dumb clown tonight.
You and I, we’ll go see this new Marvel.
People are saying it’s actually nuts.
It’s driving people crazy.
[humming tune] It’s nacho, nacho time!
Never… [humming tune] Never underestimate the nacho.
Yummy. Oh, good work.
Mwah.
Delicious, huh?
Anyway, I gotta go.
But I love you.
Have fun.
See you later. Thank you.
You guys kiss each other on the lips?
Honey.
Go.
Err…
Hmm.
Oh, you know, I, uh…
I actually got those speed bumps put in on our street.
Yeah. It was a frickin’ nightmare dealing with the city.
But now the whole neighborhood’s not a goddamn racetrack.
Well, thank you.
Welcome.
Well, what do you do for a living?
Well, I dabble in a few things, but, uh…
I pay those criminals at the bank by covering the weather for Channel Three.
You’re a weatherman?
I usually work evenings, but I got tonight off.
I knew you looked familiar.
That’s so awesome.
What do you do for a living?
I work for a company called Universal Digital Innovations.
We work with clients who are trying to make their products more habit forming.
I work with apps, specifically.
Like… trying to get people addicted to products?
Uh… we prefer to use the term “habit forming”.
It appeals to the most primal aspects of the brain.
So when the person tries to detach themselves from the product, they become extremely displeased and they just continue using it.
[sighs] Fucking brutal.
[music starts]
Yeah, it’s brutal.
I got a product you might like.
Alright.
Porno mag?
[both chuckle]
Better.
Look familiar?
Just a box from my yard.
What’s this?
That’s a 400,000yearold stone hand axe carved by Homo Erectus.
These are the first human objects ever made.
You’re holding the very same tool that some ancient person held on in East African Savannah.
As they paused in awe to watch the land swallow the burning golden ball in the sky.
[building music]
[sighs]
Whoa, buddy.
Oh!
Oh!
Shoot! Uh…
Oh, I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry.
This never… oh!
Fuck.
Let’s go somewhere.
Uh…
It’s a school night for me.
I’ll get you a clean shirt.
[chuckles]
Okay.
Alright.
[rock music playing]
[music stops]
What’s here?
Come on, come on.
This way.
[medieval music]
Quick!
Before the pigs see us.
[suspenseful music]
It’s the Aqueduct.
It was built in 1837.
Look at this. It connects the entire city.
[chuckles] Oh my God.
Aw, fuck!
I got stuff all over me.
Ah, it looks like OVD’s gonna get a little bit more of my money.
OV what?
Ocean View Dining.
It’s the only clothes that fit me just right.
Oh. Wow.
Yeah.
Looks good.
Yeah, this is all OVD.
Nice.
All this is. Yeah.
Alright.
[Craig] They even make food.
This way.
[grunting]
Alright.
[grunts]
There you go.
[grunts] Come on. You got it.
[groans]
Grab my hand.
There you go. There you go.
[groaning]
You okay? You got it.
Pull up, pull up. Pull up.
[screaming loudly]
There you go.
Oh…
You okay?
You alright?
Yeah.
Alright. [laughs] Nice job.
Thank you.
What’s wrong?
Lost my shoe.
Oh.
Ah, we’ll get it on the way back. Come on.
This is so cool.
Yeah, there’s a way into the building through here.
[suspenseful music]
Oh my God!
Oh… I thought that was a guy.
[chuckles]
Where the hell are we?
City Hall. Come on.
What?
[match strikes]
Oh.
It’s a normal ciggie, it’s not cannabis.
Oh. Excellent.
Oh, hey.
My band’s playing tomorrow night.
Bring Tammy.
Your frickin’ band?
You’re in a band?
Yeah, it’s gonna be a big show.
Hopefully my boss doesn’t make me work.
I tell ya…
I am so over nightly news. I wanna do mornings.
Why don’t you just ask?
I wanted my own office at work.
I just asked.
Did you get it?
Eat in there alone every single day.
I can eat whatever the hell I want.
Something big and messy.
Something really embarrassing I don’t want anybody to see.
Something that stinks.
All you gotta do is ask.
You’ll be on the list tomorrow night, rock star.
I’ll be there, rock star.
[laughs] Alright.
[clink] Ehh.
You crack me up.
I do?
You crack me up.
Yeah!
Yeah!
[laughing]
[Austin on TV] Alright, friends. That’s it.
That’s our national forecast.
Take care of yourselves out there.
We’ll see you tomorrow night.
I’m not clicking anything.
I think my clicker ran out of batteries.
I tell ya, sometimes I feel like I’ve run out of batteries.
I gotta go change my double A’s.
See ya tomorrow night.
[crowd cheering]
Alright. How y’all doing?
[cheers]
Sorry about the tie, I just got off work.
We’re Mayor Nichols Sucks.
[drumsticks click]
This song goes out to my wife, Bianca.
[band plays rock music]
♪ I just want to
enter the night ♪
♪ Cut the dark
open with a knife ♪
♪ Out there’s the
courage to fight ♪
[band fades into orchestral music]
[band fades back in]
[music stops]
[crowd cheers]
I feel like we need to add something that makes the user feel expressed or judged.
So they keep coming back to use it over and over again.
Like… like here.
You see the… they have the key emoji down there.
See that key?
Someone named Austin Neighbor Weatherman is calling you.
[phone buzzing]
One second. Pardon me.
Hey, buddy.
Hey Craigy, whatcha up to?
Just boring old crap, really.
[Austin] [laughs] I hear you.
Hey, quick question: You up for going on an adventure?
When?
When? Right now.
Right now?
Yes.
[Austin] Smooth cap.
Forked gills along the stipe.
Throw that on your grill with a little butter… got yourself a meal.
Go on, smell it.
Oh, wow. That’s vanilla.
You know…
I can’t stop thinking about your band.
That’s so fucking amazing.
Thanks, bud.
You play anything?
Nah, I always wanted to play drums, but just…
Didn’t.
Get yourself a set. We’ll jam.
Play some punk music or something.
It isn’t about how well you play.
It’s about how passionate you are.
Oh, wow. Drums.
Yeah. Well.
What color would I get?
I guess it probably doesn’t matter what col…
Well, actually it might matter…
Oh shit! Oh shit!
Help! Help me! Help me!
Oh my God, help!
I got you.
Oh, Jesus!
What the hell?
Well, looks like Ocean View Dining’s gonna get more of your money.
[both laugh]
Yeah. Honestly though, their new fall collection, it looks superb.
I’m really excited about it.
Oh shit, my phone!
Oh, fuck! My phone!
Can… can you call it? Can you call it?
Can’t. I don’t have a phone.
Are you insane?
I’m looking at a free man right now.
Come on.
[groans] Look at this.
Oh…
Yeah.
Crap.
Oh, look at this.
[chuckles] Oh man, that’s cherry.
Whoa!
Oh, yeah.
This is my dream car.
I hope you get it one day.
This thing is absolutely cherry.
Yeah.
Well, it might happen sooner than you think.
I took your advice.
They offered me the morning news slot.
Oh my God!
Really?
Yep.
Congratulations! Holy crap.
Thank you, buddy. Truly.
Now, if I get this stupid car, you’re going for the first ride.
I promise. You’re good luck.
[laughs] I’m good luck.
Yes, you are.
[Craig] I can see the future.
It is full of pals.
My husband!
Somebody help us, please!
[Craig] Helping pals.
I got you, buddy.
[thunder rumbles]
Thank you, Craig.
Oh, it’s so cold out there.
[Craig] And being a boss.
Civilization has collapsed.
But Craig has led us to the future.
To Craig!
[crowd] To Craig!
[crowd cheers]
The neighborhood would be a racetrack without you.
[Craig] I’m on the edge of life… and the view is gorgeous.
[imitates knocking]
[imitates knocking]
What the… what are you doing?
Can I wake you up with a lick?
A lick?
Yeah.
Is the door locked?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
[Stevie] Something’s burning!
Fuck!
Something’s burning?
[punk music playing]
What did you do?
I hope you like wild mushrooms on toast, honey.
What?
What?
Seriously, what happened? What’d you do?
Nothing.
Good morning.
You like this?
Punk?
Yeah.
Oh yeah, I like punk.
Fuck yeah.
You don’t listen to music.
Yeah, I do. I listen to punk.
I even took a walk this morning.
Got up. Went for a full walk.
Picked some of those flowers right there.
You made these?
Yeah.
Oh shit, tastes like McDonald’s.
[chuckles]
I love it. So good.
Thanks.
Okay, I’ll see you guys.
Love you.
Love you.
Austin invited me to hang out with some of his buddies tonight.
They seem like pretty cool guys.
Wow, honey.
[punk music playing]
[indistinct conversation]
Hey, how are you?
I’m Craig. Austin invited me.
Oh, there he is!
Alright. Hey, guys.
This is my neighbor, Craig. He’s the best.
Hey, hey! To the new morning weatherman!
[men cheering]
This is the life!
[man] I’ll drink to that, I’ll drink to that.
I appreciate you.
It’s great to talk to you, Chris.
Hey, I’m gonna grab another brew.
Alright. Yeah, for sure.
I’ll see you inside, alright.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
You’re smart.
You have a good job.
There’s nothing to be nervous about.
Just be yourself.
You’re a frickin’ prince.
[thud]
[beer bottle clatters]
You okay?
Thought it was open.
You… you hit that hard.
Can I use your restroom really fast?
[glass shatters]
So how’d y’all meet?
[chuckles]
[all chuckle nervously]
[all laughing]
[laughing hysterically]
That reminds me, Zed ran into me at the mall and I was all stressed out.
I was buying a bra for my daughter.
She’s 13 and she’s already a size C.
And, uh… you know, I was just spiraling.
But I just… I see the way that guys look at her.
You know, I’m just… I’m scared.
I’m sorry you’re going through that, man.
You know we’re here for you anytime, right?
Sheila’s lucky to have a dad like you.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
[singing] ♪ Boy, you
should know that… ♪
♪ I’ve got you on my mind.
♪ Your secret admirer.
♪ I’ve been watching you.
[all singing] ♪ At
night I think of you.
♪ I want to be your baby.
♪ If your game is on,
give me a call, boo. ♪
♪ If your love is strong,
gonna give my all to you. ♪
♪ At night I think of you.
♪ I want to be your ba…
[music fades]
Alright. Who’s next? Who’s next?
Oh! Let’s get the new guy in there.
Hey.
Get him, Craig. Hit him!
Come on!
Get him!
Stay right.
Alright!
Everybody watch out for my face.
Some of us have calls with CEOs tomorrow.
[all laughing]
Got a big shot in the house.
Focus.
Come on, Craig!
Alright. Alright.
To a good match.
Yeah, heavyweights!
[man] Ding, ding!
[thud]
[man] Oh! The first punch. Damn!
You okay? You alright, Craig?
[Craig groans]
You alright, buddy? You okay?
Yeah.
Alright.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Let’s both try to be a little safer.
Absolutely.
Excellent.
You and me fight okay.
Yes, yes.
Friend to friend.
Friend.
Here we go. Alright.
Let’s go, Craig.
Ding, ding, ding.
Like you did the last time.
Yeah.
[man 1] You didn’t want that.
[man 2] Hands up. Hands up.
[punches thudding]
[thud]
[man] Oh… this fight’s over.
Fuck!
Oh… you alright? Oh, my God.
This guy can’t take it, Austin. You gotta stop.
[Craig groans] Okay, great.
Maybe you should sit this one out then, Craig.
Sorry about that.
You’re okay. Alright.
Anyone else wanna go?
[punches thud]
[men yelling]
What the fuck, man?
Winner!
Winner!
You knocked him out, idiot.
Easy, easy, easy.
Nah, he’s good.
Guys, help him up.
No, you’re good. He’s solid.
He’s good.
Hey, am I bleeding at all?
What the fuck is wrong with you, jackass?
Cheap shot bullshit. That was fucking bullshit.
Sucker punch!
What the fuck?
It’s alright. Let’s get these off.
There we go. Take this off.
Okay. Easy, easy, easy.
I’m okay.
You good?
Yeah, yeah.
I think, uh… I think maybe, uh… uh… we call it on boxing for tonight, huh?
[men agreeing]
Hey… look…
I know my punishment.
I know my punishment.
I messed up.
I’m a bad boy.
I’m sorry.
What’d I do?
What did I do?
[whines]
I’m such a bad boy.
I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry.
Alright. I gotta go home now.
Yeah, me too.
He’s gonna call his…
Alright. Yeah, yeah.
You sure? Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You call somebody.
I’m okay. I’m alright.
Just watch your back.
Watch out for this guy.
Yeah, thanks.
Alright. So long, fellas.
See ya, man.
[chuckles] Okay.
Sure you know how to get home?
I’ll do my best. [chuckles] Okay.
Alright.
Hey, man. Nice job, you fucking cock.
Alright.
[phone ringing]
[indistinct conversation]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[voicemail] You’ve reached Austin and Bianca, you know what to do.
[beep]
And with us today is our newest edition to the Rise and Shine family.
He’s someone you’re probably already familiar with.
Austin Carmichael, our new meteorologist.
Howdy, folks.
Happy to be her.
Err… here. Happy to be here.
[chuckles]
Looks like I could use another cup of java.
[woman] Better make it a big one.
When we come back, Austin will join us as we talk with what some people are calling a six-year-old Tiger Woods.
[bell rings]
[director] Alright, we’re back live in 60 seconds.
Hey man.
Crushed that.
That was awesome.
How’d you… how’d you get in here?
I have a meeting here.
Who’s your meeting with?
Just some dickhead or whatever.
Oh, I have a check for you.
I gotta give it to you next time we hang out.
Are you wearing makeup?
I’m not gonna tell your wife.
What was up with that stumble?
Oh, uh… yeah.
Sorry about that.
Um… new job jitters.
It won’t happen again.
It better fucking not.
This your father?
Uh, no. It’s my neighbor.
Not really sure why he’s here.
Hey, what are you doing after this?
I was gonna go to Rick’s Bar and try this new thing.
They have a SEAL Team Six lunch.
I guess that’s what the guys ate after they killed Osama.
It’s 22,000 calories.
It’s got four racks of ribs, mac and cheese…
Caesar salad.
Look, it’s really distracting that you’re here.
I need to focus. Okay?
Hey, buddy.
Looking good. I like it.
Oh! You’re dressed as a little doll?
Wanna smoke a cigarette with us, little doll?
Hey. Look, you gotta go. Alright?
I’m under a lot of pressure here.
It’s a lot harder than nights.
Just please leave. Thank you.
You have a phone?
Yeah, of course I have a phone.
[director] Back live in 10 seconds.
Let’s get Austin on his mark.
I’ll hang out with you soon.
[bell rings]
[beeping]
And did you wanna upgrade to the hero plan?
It’s unlimited talk, text and data.
Plus you get one of these five limited phone cases.
Oh. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Uh… I’m gonna do… oh, Mars Rover.
Oh…
Twins!
[both chuckle]
Beer drinking time, huh?
Yeah, I mean… or something else.
Hey, is that, uh… bar across the plaza any good?
I’ve never been.
I’ve seen a few gnarly fights outside though.
Yeah. I might step over there and have a sip, or a few, if you wanna join me.
It’d be cool.
Oh.
I’m 18.
Ugh.
Teenage girls these days, they look like they’re 25 years old.
I guess it’s the same with the guys too.
Receipt in the bag?
I’d love a receipt in the bag, yeah.
Alright.
Oh, and sir…
If you ever want something a little stronger than a few drinks… you let me know.
Stay curious.
[calm voice] You may begin to detach… from realities you had claimed as your own.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
A package came for you.
Oh, yes!
Oh my God. Holy shit!
Ooh, that’s exciting.
Holy shit!
These are fucking awesome!
These for you?
[Craig] Oh yeah.
[banging]
[knocking]
Hey, hey! Is your better half here?
One moment.
Honey.
There’s someone at the door for you.
It’s Craig.
Alright.
Dude.
Check it out.
Wow. You, uh… you got the expensive ones.
Yeah. I got green to match your guitar.
Let’s jam.
Um…
Whoa. You look awesome!
Oh, thank you.
Uh… look, uh, Craig…
We had a couple of really nice hangs, but I think it best that we go our separate ways.
Is it ’cause of the sliding glass door?
I told you I’d pay for it, buddy.
No, Friday night was really strange for me and the guys and I don’t wish to continue this friendship at the moment.
You made me feel too free.
You all accepted me way too fast.
You can’t do that.
People need rules.
I’ve gotta get to this Renaissance Fair.
I’m doing a segment for work.
Um… much luck selling the house.
Austin, come on.
[medieval chanting]
Craigy, isn’t it beautiful?
Doesn’t seeing this make you certain that some unknowable intelligence is behind all things?
[Austin] Thank you, Rebecca.
Uh… my producers told me that there was a Renaissance Festival here today.
And, uh… clearly I’m the only one dressed up, so… it’s a fun… fun prank on the new guy. Ma’am.
Right…
[music fades in]
[Craig] Stevie, come on.
There’s nothing over there. Come here.
Look.
[grunts]
Free food.
That’s ancient stuff you’re holding there.
People have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years.
Cool, huh? Take a bite.
No. How do you know they’re not poisonous?
I’ll show you.
This one needs a little ranch.
This is fun.
Hanging out at the mall, this is fun.
Got any crushes at school?
Of course. Dad.
That guy on that pig was flying.
What the hell?
That was crazy.
[wretches]
[vomiting]
God!
I told you those mushrooms were poisonous, Dad.
I told you.
[groans]
[spits]
Fuck.
Jesus Christ, there’s fuckin’ blood in it.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[men laughing]
[man] Couldn’t believe that.
You know?
Fuckin’ hell, dude.
Fellas.
How we doing?
What’s up, man?
We’re the smokers, we’re the smokers.
It was awesome.
Anybody need a light?
Anybody need a light?
Good?
Beers at my house this Friday.
Heck yeah. I’ll stock the fridge.
Let’s do a boys night.
Can my wife come?
[all laughing]
No, you don’t know her.
You never met her.
No, no.
No, let’s keep it a boy’s night.
I gotta call my wife.
Tell her things might get a little rowdy this Friday night.
[man clears throat]
This is a sword.
From Europe, 1700’s.
Let me see this thing.
Hey, don’t rip it outta my hands.
It’s priceless. Be careful with that, okay?
[high pitched noise]
Dude, you scare the fuck outta me, like, so easily.
[laughing]
Imagine.
You’re a knight.
Staring out… at the enemy army coming at you.
Your heart is racing.
Why are you showing us this thing?
‘Cause it’s cool. I collect stuff like that.
It’s so small, dude.
It’s like… for babies.
[laughing]
This is a sword for babies.
It’s not for a baby, it’s for a knight.
It’s like when Thanos drinks the elixir.
[overlapping chatter]
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I gotta stop you.
I gotta stop you.
This is a, uh, no Marvel spoiler garage.
Sorry, it’s a little rule here.
I apologize.
Dude. When that ship fucking comes in…
[overlapping chatter]
I’m dead serious.
I’m dead serious.
No Marvel spoilers.
I like to go in fresh, so…
Alright.
Yeah, yeah. No worries.
No worries. Yeah.
Are those your wife’s drums?
That’s funny, I already told you they’re mine.
They look like no one’s touched them, bitch.
Why don’t you jam for us, Coltrane.
Give us a little taste.
Come on, man, don’t hide.
Don’t use the knife like that.
Don’t point the knife at people.
[drumming poorly]
He’s like The Hulk, man.
[men laughing]
Get the fuck out!
Get the fucking hell outta here.
I said no spoilers.
Let’s go. Get up.
We’ve been here, like, 40 minutes.
Move, move, move!
[thunder crashes]
[keypad beeps]
[keypad beeps]
[banging]
[yelling]
Yeah, yeah. There he is.
Jesus Christ.
Craig.
My key card mysteriously stopped working.
Uh… do you need to change?
No.
You sure?
Yeah. I’ve been through worse.
Okay. Well, um… we have a new client that I’m really, really excited about.
Mr. Mayor… Seth Nichols.
[man on TV] Seth Nichols is about trust.
Now, he wants us to modernize his reelection campaign.
Make it much more interactive.
Now, Craig… who do you want on your team?
[chuckles]
Besides a towel?
[men snickering]
I’ll just be a lone wolf on this one, I think.
[punk music playing]
Honey.
You’re home?
Yeah. I don’t trust my lunch in the work fridge.
I think somebody’s fucking with it.
Can you help me load these?
Yeah.
I gotta scarf, though.
I gotta get on a call with the mayor about the mayor thing or whatever.
The mail guy screwed up again.
[ethereal vocalizing]
Craig.
Your nose.
Oh.
I’ve never…
Yeah.
Never seen you get a bloody nose before.
No, it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it.
You okay? Here.
Yeah, I’m fine.
Let’s get these in.
Be careful with that.
Pick it up from the base.
Yeah, yeah. I gotta go.
I gotta have a fast lunch. I have a big call.
Honey. I’m sick of struggling, I need a bigger car.
I gotta go!
You still have blood on your nose.
That’s fine, that’s fine.
Wipe it off.
Bye! Bye, bye, bye.
[blows nose]
[ethereal vocalizing]
[knocking]
Ah…
Motherfucker.
[ethereal vocalizing continues]
[strumming guitar]
[phone buzzes]
[phone buzzes]
Hey, hey.
[woman 1] Putting you through with the mayor’s office.
Jen’s on.
[woman 2] Joanna and Monkey See Inc. are on.
[Barry] Barry from Digitonis.
Craig Waterman is on.
[Barry] So, Craig… before we start, I wanna clear something up.
[Bianca] Austin? Honey?
[Barry] Hello?
Craig? Hello?
Hello, hello.
It’s the craziest thing that you don’t have a cell phone.
Somebody knocked on the door.
Hey, baby.
Come snuggle.
[Barry] Are you there?
[Bianca] It’s nap time.
Did we lose Craig?
Is Craig there?
[beep] Chad from Dopamine Unlimited is on.
He’s not responding ’cause he probably doesn’t have his cell phone.[laughs] Craig?
Yeah.
There you are.
For a short period, I didn’t have a phone, as an experiment.
Where would you like to start?
[man] That is really brave of you, that is crazy.
I cannot imagine. I’m looking at this thing constantly.
Uh-huh.
Hello?
[groans]
[phone ringing]
[phone alert]
[phone ringing]
[phone alert]
[phone ringing]
Craig? Hey.
I tried calling you. I need you to go to the store.
I had a nuts day.
No, honey.
Tonight… it’s Austin and Bianca’s housewarming thing.
I need you to get some things.
That’s tonight?
Maybe I can borrow some things from them?
Do you have their number?
Uh… yeah… I’ll call ’em.
What do you need?
Um, I need vanilla extract.
I need brown sugar.
If they have powdered sugar that’d be really great.
[dial tone]
Hey Austin, what’s going on?
Yeah, yeah. We’re about to head over, actually.
Oh.
Oh, for real?
Oh, that sucks. I’m so sorry.
[dial tone continues]
Yeah, I actually, uh, have a bad case myself right now.
No worries at all.
No worries at all.
Yeah.
Okay, we’ll…
Okay, we’ll talk to you soon.
Bye.
[phone hangs up]
I guess Bianca came down with a really bad case of diarrhea.
Oh God.
Yeah.
Maybe I should make her some chicken broth.
I wouldn’t do that.
It’d probably just rip right through her.
Let’s just invite people over.
Maybe Devin’s available.
Devin?
Do you ever listen?
Hey.
Hey!
Turn those burners off.
We’re going on an adventure.
[thunder crashes]
Craig. Absolutely not.
This was built in 1837.
Goes all over the city.
It’s called an aqueduct.
Is this piss?
Some of it.
Wait…
Yes, this is it. This is it.
This is it. Yes!
Oh, my God.
Are we lost?
No, no, no. This way.
Craig, there’s a bat.
Where?
Right there!
Alright. Let’s go this way.
We’re not going that way, so that’s not a problem.
Who showed you this?
I found it myself. Come on.
Seriously, who showed you this place? Was it Austin?
No, I found it. Come on.
You go up here and there’s some really…
I’m not going up there.
beautiful shit…
I wanna go home!
The bat’s back there.
I don’t wanna walk by that bat again.
Come on. There you go.
There you go. Go, go, go!
Perfect. Perfect.
Okay, this is insane. I wanna go.
Help me down.
Christ almighty.
Can you just give this a chance?
You’re always complaining that we don’t do anything new.
Well, we’re here now.
You’re healthy… and we’re here now.
So… Jesus!
Just go ahead and I’ll catch up to you in a sec.
Thank you.
Okay.
[splashing]
Shit!
Where the fuck is it?
Fuck it.
[groans]
Oh, God damn it.
Don’t worry, honey.
We’re really close.
Tammy?
Tammy?
[voice echoing]
Tammy, where are you?
Where did you go?
Tammy.
Tammy!
Tammy!
Tammy!!!
[panting]
[phone beeps]
[operator] Please hang up…
No!
My phone!
Where the fuck is it?
Fuck!
[lighter flicking]
Tammy!
[Steven] We are currently cruising at an altitude of 1,000 feet, at an air speed of 4100 miles per hour.
400 miles. Err…
You make me a little nervous sometimes.
Are you still there?
[indiscernible]
…The weather is pleasant with light turbulence here and there.
[mumbling]
I need to use the phone.
I’m in the middle of something, let me finish.
I need to use the phone, Stevie.
[doorbell rings]
[dog barks]
What the hell is going on?
Sir, do you live here?
Austin?
How’s the party going, bud?
We had to cancel it ’cause someone broke in.
I don’t know, so why don’t you tell me, bud?
What the hell’s going on with him?
Sir, are you the primary resident?
[dog barks]
Jesus! Yes, I am.
What is this about?
We had a breakin down the street.
The dog picked up a scent that led here.
You think my house got broken into by the same person? What?
You broke into my house!
Hey! Hold him back. Do your job.
You broke into my house!
What do I pay taxes for?
Hold him!
Are you and your sons the only ones who live here?
My wife does too.
Was she here today?
She’s here all day.
Can we speak to her?
She’s not here.
Where is she?
She’s in the sewer.
What? What’d you say?
She’s where?
I said she’s in the sewer.
[synth rock music]
And what happened next?
We were trying to go to City Hall.
You can get there through the basement. Right?
Well, yeah, but it’s… it’s tricky.
Why’d you come down here on your own?
Attempted trespassing.
No, it’s not trespassing.
It’s adventure.
I was showing my wife a fun night.
We beat cancer.
How you doing? You look really good.
I know these pipes. Do you mind if I take the lead?
You know the pipes?
I do.
I explore.
That’s trespassing.
That’s Penal Code 602.
We don’t have time for this.
Everybody meet me on the next level.
Yeah, I agree. It’s time to practice teamwork right now.
Hold on, just take him in.
Take me in?
What are you talking about?
I’m a program manager at Universal Digital Innovations.
This fucker showed me this place.
He picked the lock.
We broke into City Hall!
He called you guys fucking pigs.
He called all you guys fucking pigs!
Easy, take it easy.
You’re fucking pigs!
Let go!
[yelling]
[officer] I’m a bit nervous. Nervous.
Fuck, man.
[Austin] Not at all.
Hey, I think I’m a little bit nervous too.
Nice to meet you, Jason.
Austin, Channel Three.
Okay.
I appreciate your service.
Yeah, man. No problem.
Let me ask you a question.
You mind if we get a picture together?
Of course.
Yeah?
I’ll be right back.
Alright.
[laughs]
This is… this is literally the last thing I need.
Do you have any idea how much pressure it is to be on morning news?
No, of course you don’t.
You don’t because you’re a child.
You’re just a boy.
Come on, Austin. I’m a man.
Do you know the kind of stress I’m under?
It’s cutthroat and they’re so mean to me.
Go back to nights.
I can’t!
That position is filled, Jerry Pulmas is in it, and he’s good.
So I’m stuck.
Plus they made me quit my band.
They said it was a bad look.
Ah… shit, man.
You guys rock.
You could’ve been a little more punk, though.
Just get outta my life.
[groans]
Aw, piss!
Fuck!
[dramatic music]
Fuck.
Shit. Shit.
[groans]
There. Is it good? Is it good?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What? Do I…
Yeah.
See fellas, told you it’s him.
Let’s get the selfie now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles] Alright. Alright.
Right over here.
[chuckles]
Right in the middle.
Let’s do this.
By the way, my mom loves you.
She watches every day.
Aww. Tell her thank you.
I appreciate that.
Steven?
[toilet flushes]
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Replaced your mother already, huh?
Sorry, just messing around. Congratulations.
Any news?
Everybody’s looking for her, alright.
You gonna go to school?
My mother’s missing.
Are you going to work?
I have to.
You should be out there looking for her.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[thuds]
Hold on.
Sorry about that.
Tammy’s Florals.
Oh wow. Yeah.
She’s actually never done a bar mitzvah before.
So lemme get your info here.
[phone clatters]
[woman] Hello?
[Craig crying]
[woman] Hello?
[Craig sobbing]
[Austin] Craig. Um…
I’m really sorry about this Tammy situation.
I can’t help but feel some sort of blame for this.
[Craig] Oh. No, it’s okay. It’s alright.
[Austin] So, um…
Last night is our secret, right?
I mean I could lose it all if that leaks out.
Yeah, man. It’s our secret.
I trust you.
I trust you too.
Be well.
You be well as well.
What do people want more than anything in the whole world?
A good relationship.
So I propose, we don’t frame you as a politician.
We frame you as a friend.
Digital applications will make it so people can interact with their new friend.
You.
The trick is, you gotta get these people…
What the fuck is it?
[calming music]
Uh… the trick with these things is you gotta give people the illusion of self-expression.
That’s all these people have.
That is definitely, definitely something we can build off of.
Craig, thank you.
I’ve also asked Ian to put together a second pitch. Ian?
Yeah. Hey, thank you, Craig.
Great.
So… piggybacking off that, why don’t we flip this thing on its head?
Mayor Seth Nichols.
Superhero.
[rap music playing]
I look like a Marvel.
Like Hulk, remember him?
[Ian] You wanna know what this looks like?
Another four years.
I just had a great moment of inspiration.
This might be it.
How about this?
Mayor Nichols.
Coward. Pig. Fuck.
Uh… his wife is missing, sir.
You only care about yourself, you sack of shit.
You don’t care about the city.
I had to go to war with the city to put in a speed bump.
I’m gonna beat the fucking shit out of you.
You motherfucker.
Get the fuck off me!
I’m gonna beat the shit out of you.
Come on, let’s get him out.
Don’t pick me up, Ian.
This is embarrassing.
Do not… watch out for my chair! Watch out for my chair!
Ah! I’m gonna beat the shit outta you!
[man] Get him out!
Oh, you spilled that water.
You spilled water.
[men laughing]
If it was you actually doing it, I would be afraid.
But he’s all like…
[making noises]
Craig.
Craig, get your stuff.
Right now.
I was joking around.
Craig…
[phone rings]
…leave.
Craig Waterman.
Craig. Detective Person’s here.
We found Tammy.
Is she… alive?
Here mom.
Thank you.
Careful.
[choral music]
Blasting the heat.
It’s so fucking hot in here.
What tea did Stevie give you?
Is that, that apple berry?
It’s really good right after a bite of fudge.
I’m going to get dressed.
We have people coming over tomorrow.
What people?
[dance music]
Welcome back, Tammy.
Welcome back, Tammy!
[door creaks open]
Oh, hey, sorry. Is there a bathroom around?
Hey, man. You’re the husband, right?
Yeah. Yeah. I’m Craig Waterman. This is my house.
Cool, cool.
The bathroom’s right there.
Awesome. Thanks. Yeah.
Dude. Cool drums, man.
Oh, thank you, man. Yeah, these things are fucking awesome.
You don’t see a lot of green drums.
You know kind of like 70’s type.
’70’s. That’s what I was going for. 70’s vibe.
That’s a cool decade.
Very cool.
Got a lot of good music.
A lot of good music.
Yeah. Economically, could’ve been better.
[both laughing]
Absolutely. Yeah.
But we came back.
Right.
Hey, I gotta ask you, man. How does it feel?
Oh, to have Tammy back?
It’s honestly, uh… an incredible relief.
Yeah. How does it feel to ditch your wife?
You can’t use my fucking toilet.
You know what I would do?
I look at your wife and I say, oh my God.
I would love to even be a nonsexual partner with her.
You know what I mean?
In business or something.
And I would never say, hey, come into a sewer so I can fucking kill you.
I didn’t try and kill her in the sewer.
It was an adventure.
You should be dead!
You shouldn’t even be alive.
You don’t know me, get the fuck outta here!
[spits] Hey! Don’t do that!
Fuck you! You fucking piece of shit!
And she’s so beautiful!
Get the fuck outta my garage!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you psycho! Who are you?!
[loud rock music]
[party chatter]
Excuse me.
[tapping]
Excuse me.
Hey!
Sorry about that.
Uh… just, uh… wanted to give a little speech to the, um… the guest of honor, my wife Tammy Waterman.
When we went to those tunnels, it was for adventure.
Most people think getting dessert at Spaghetti Freddy’s is wild.
Well, Tammy and I do things a little bit differently.
And, uh… this one, just… this one got away from us.
But here we are. On the edge of life.
And the view… is absolutely gorgeous.
To Tammy.
[applause]
Austin. Austin.
Look, I got up here.
Come on, you should get up here if you wanna talk.
Since we’re doing toasts.
Um…
Man, my heart is overflowing with relief that one of the brightest souls in this dark world is still with us.
When she was lost, I was like a caveman who lost his fire.
No pun intended.
[group laughs]
This is a special woman right here.
She’s a warrior.
She’s a healer.
She’s a… a mother, um…
Me and my crew was up all night looking for her.
I’m just so lucky that she’s safe.
You know, because I don’t know what I would be without you.
To Tammy Pinto.
Uh, Tammy Waterman. It’s actually Tammy Waterman.
For 16 years. That’s my best friend.
I just wanna thank you all so much for coming.
You are all like my family.
You’re my friends, but really, you’re my family.
This has turned into a little bit of a free for all.
Uh, if you wanna talk… uh, please get on the chair.
And you can form a line here by the dips and spreads. Okay?
You know what? We should maybe even kick it up a notch.
Let’s kick it up a notch, huh?
How about a parade?
Wouldn’t that be fun?
A parade for Tammy.
Come on, folks!
[imitating marching band]
Come on, Tammy.
[imitating marching band]
People are gonna say, what the fuck…
Uh… my name’s Patton.
Um… I just wanna get up here.
Uh, I’m like, suddenly so nervous.
Um…
[imitating marching band]
Come on, everybody!
Fucking little rats.
[choral singing]
[Patton] We’re just so happy that you made it out and, uh… the world’s a better place.
I’ll leave you guys with this.
We should still be in Afghanistan and I don’t know why we pulled out in the way we did, it was a shame.
[applause]
[Austin] Hey there, and welcome back.
We are very lucky today.
He’s joining us now…
[Craig] Hey Stevie.
Where’s your mom?
Let’s take a look at that seven-day forecast.
And… whoa! Look at all that sun.
It is on the way.
It is absolutely on the way.
Whoa!
Did you just nut your OVD’s?
Come on, Stevie. I didn’t nut my OVD’s.
Take a picture, your mom’s on TV.
And that means a storm is…
Heading out.
That’s right.
It’s heading out.
It is heading out.
You are doing a terrific job.
I tell ya. Are we hiring?
[Tammy chuckles]
I think we’ve got a candidate right here.
Oh no.
Thank you, Austin and Tammy.
Back with much more after this.
Oh, I love this commercial.
This guy’s really funny.
Hey. I got the day off.
Wanna do something?
Go to Rick’s Bar?
Rick’s Bar? It’s 7:30 in the morning.
And we’re 16.
Oh, you can have my drums. They’re yours now.
Thank you. I gotta go to school.
Um… You ready?
Thanks for the baked potato.
Yep.
Didn’t even know you had it.
So just keep peeling them back.
Okay.
As many as you’d like.
I feel so… I’m a little nervous.
Are you?
I’m nervous.
It does look like you’re shaking a little bit.
Just a little bit.
Just a little bit.
I had a banana this morning and I’m afraid I’m gonna overdo it.
You’re too funny.
So, I just want you to take a look right here at this gorgeous flower.
Wow.
Tell me… doesn’t it look like an artist painted that?
[chuckles] Okay, you know what?
You just gave me goosebumps.
I love how you see the world.
I love how you see the world.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[Tammy] You’ve reached Tammy’s Florals.
Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Hey honey, it’s me again.
Craig. Craig Waterman.
Said my fucking last name to you.
[chuckles]
Uh… sorry. I’ve already had a few boots to drink, to be honest with you. Um…
[toilet flushes]
I made us a reservation.
Under the last name Fudge.
So we’re gonna have to show up and say, uh, we’re the Fudges.
Okay. Call me at Rick’s Bar.
Love ya.
Honey? Hey.
I was worried about you.
Come on, let’s go to dinner.
I told you I had plans tonight.
You did?
Was that someone else?
I sent you a voicemail too.
I made us a little reservation.
I’m fine to just order in too, if you want.
How was your day?
It was amazing.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, I saw… I saw you chatting up with everybody on the idiot box.
My heart is still racing.
I met so many great people.
Austin.
So sweet.
Yeah.
You looked so good on there.
You looked beautiful.
Oh, I think I might…
I’m think I might try to make those biscuits I made… tomorrow too.
You’re wearing, like, a perfume?
It’s a cologne.
Huh.
Yeah, it’s a cologne.
[phone buzzing]
Hi.
Uh… okay. [giggles] Okay. Bye, hun.
Wrong number?
[chuckles]
If we’re gonna go to dinner, we should probably go right now.
I have a dinner with the TV people.
They’re gonna be here any minute.
Well, is there room for one more?
I didn’t know you were free.
Yes, I’m free. Of course I’m free.
I’m always free.
And, you know… you wouldn’t be a big TV star if I didn’t take you to that little cool place.
Mmhmm.
Okay.
Sorry.
[deep breath]
I…
[chuckles]
I had an orgasm in the sewer system.
That’s great.
Yeah.
That’s great.
Congratulations.
That’s really good.
How?
I was just, you know… sitting there in the dark and, uh…
I had this… realization.
And then this release.
And boom. Just, uh… my whole, my whole body was vibrating.
I mean…
Wow.
It wasn’t as fun for me.
I just lost my phone and I got arrested by the pigs.
You know… that my mom never left my narcissistic dad.
I’m not gonna let that happen to me.
I’m gonna go stay in Devin’s pool house.
Until I can find a place of my own.
Who?
♪
[unclear voice on TV]
I was able to get you the last one.
[Craig] Oh.
Did you wanna do another Mars Rover case with that?
Yeah. Um…
I want something a little stronger than beer.
Last time I was here, you said you’d give me something that’s stronger.
Ramon.
I’m on break.
Come with me.
My name’s Tony, but when my hair’s down, people call me TBoy.
What are you looking for?
[door shuts]
I’m stuck.
I’m about to lose everything.
I can give you weed, X, uh… shrooms.
Adderall.
Um…
Do you have, uh… do you have ayahuasca?
Oh, no. [chuckles] Uh… but I do have Toad.
Toad?
Yeah.
The Buffalo River toad.
You, uh… you lick the psychedelic venom that it excretes off its rear glands.
He’s similar to ayahuasca, but the trip is way faster.
How much is the frog?
The toad. 100.
What the hell am I supposed to feed him?
No. It’s $100 for a lick, man.
[sighs]
I’m out of ideas, man.
Lick a toad.
Sorry, my money kinda smells really bad for some reason.
The bank gave it to me and it smelled really bad.
Here. You gave me too much.
Oh.
That was sweet of you.
You ready?
I don’t know. I don’t know.
Here’s a little pillow.
Thank you.
Your mind is about to disintegrate.
And then your consciousness is gonna expand to become all of infinity.
You will feel a pain unlike anything you’ve ever felt before, followed by a bliss, which… can’t even be described.
You will die and be reborn.
I’m gonna turn off the lights for you.
I’m gonna put on some music and I’m gonna go get some lunch because it’s my lunch break.
You’re gonna have such an incredible journey.
I love you.
It is like ice cream on a hot summer day.
[toad chittering]
Don’t pop him.
You look like you’re gonna pop him.
Can you… can you stay with me?
I’m sorry.
I need to go get some Marlboros and a Red Bull.
It’s time for you to touch God.
[toad chittering]
Oh, big lick.
Was that too big?
Fuck. Was that too big?
I love you, toad boy.
It’s T-Boy.
I love you T-Boy.
Hey.
I actually did a little work for Red Bull.
They were so mean to me.
[toad chittering]
[toad chittering]
[toad chittering]
Oh, hey. How you doing, man?
What’s for lunch today?
Black Forest ham.
[Austin] Perfect choice.
What kind of bread?
Let’s go with…
Italian herb and cheese.
Alright.
Foot long, right?
Yes.
Usual toppings?
Foot long cookie on the side.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
Not toasted, right?
Ehh… let’s be wild. Toast it.
Okay.
Welcome back, Craig.
Is it over?
Yeah, it’s over.
How long did your trip feel?
Four or five months?
It was like a minute.
I went to Subway.
The eatery? What happened?
I ordered.
Did you get the answer you were looking for?
No, I ordered a sandwich at Subway!
The toad is mysterious.
That frog ripped me off.
Little asshole, little fucker.
[uplifting music]
Welcome to your new life.
[phone clatters]
[alarm beeping]
[Craig] This is why guys shouldn’t have friends.
It’ll get you in a ton of trouble.
People need rules.
All I need are goals.
Like trying to eat the full SEAL Team Six lunch at Rick’s Bar.
Oh my God.
I can’t fucking finish all this stuff.
It’s the meal the guys ate after they killed Osama and buried him at sea.
It’s 22,000 calories.
Yeah, eat up. I’m Craig.
You’re gonna grow up to be a beautiful old guy.
Thank you, Steven. I hope you’re serious about that.
If you want a pal, just have a son.
At the end of the day… I’m a lone wolf.
I accept that.
Hey, Dad, you didn’t tell them it was my birthday, did you?
Of course not. Did you?
Nuh-uh. No.
Okay good, ’cause you know I hate that shit.
You know I hate that shit.
Anyway, I’m gonna go get a waiver.
What’s it called?
It’s an application.
Application. Like literally, having two girlfriends is killing me financially.
How’s, uh, Devin’s and the pool house now?
Oh, I saw him, uh, on the news.
I saw Devin on the news.
They interviewed him ’cause one of his friends got all burnt up.
He looked good.
Devin looked good?
Devin looked good.
Is Dad talking about that wild hike we went on where he ate all those bad mushrooms?
[thud] Oh my God!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I’m fine. That just, that scared me.
It’s fine.
Sir.
No, it’s fine.
Sir?
You just bumped into this young lady here and I think you should apologize.
Did I?
Yeah, you did.
She almost spilled her stuffed pepper all over herself.
Can you please apologize?
I’m not scared of you.
I bought a van today.
Apologies, ma’am.
Enjoy your peppers.
Thank you.
You bought a van?
I think we gotta get the fuck outta here.
What?
I think we gotta get the fuck out of here.
Oh, come on. Let’s all enjoy our meals.
What the hell did I just do?
It’s fine.
[Steven] Oh, you motherfuckers.
You motherfuckers.
Happy birthday!
Blow it out. Come on, we gotta go.
[doo wop music]
Craig… this is too much.
Well, you needed it and you deserve it.
Hey Mom, do you wanna come inside after this and watch a movie or something?
Um…
Yeah.
Yes. Whatever you want, birthday boy.
Cool.
Oh!
Austin got a new car.
Sick.
[man] That is so fucking pimp.
[Tami] There’s lots of cars.
They must be having a party.
Oh, by the way.
This came. Um… it’s the wrong address again.
Alright. Can you run it down to him?
I’m gonna give Ma the tour.
Oh! There’s a new Marvel we should totally rent.
I heard it’s pretty crazy.
Yeah, that’d be really nice.
Craig.
I can’t believe you got me that van.
Seriously. It is… it’s so…
I should’ve done it a long time ago.
I wasted so much time doing nothing.
Hey.
You been working out?
I’m just losing weight ’cause I walk all day, every single day, everybody screams at me.
Everybody fucking hates me.
Huh.
You look like you’ve been working out.
You been working out?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah. You wanna feel my abs?
Yeah, if that’s alright.
Yeah. [laughs] Okay. I don’t know how to do it.
No, do it hard!
Oh… ouch!
This is good, right?
Well, I didn’t say hit me!
[laughing] Hi.
You trying to wrestle each other?
Oh shit.
I forgot to get candles.
I gotta get candles.
We’ll do presents in five minutes.
Alright? You little heartbreaker.
Hey, Craig.
You wanna take it for a spin?
Yeah. Hell yeah.
It’s really nice having you in the house.
I’ll see you soon.
[Craig] Alright, I’ll be back.
[chuckles]
♪
♪ I get away every
day My holiday ♪
♪ I’m gettin’ paid
♪ I live it up, on the go,
♪ I’m getting high,
I’m getting low ♪
♪ Kickin’ off and
I lose control ♪
♪ I’m born to fly,
I want it all ♪
♪ Take off and I’m
everywhere, I’m in the air ♪
♪ I’ll meet you there.
I get away every day ♪
♪ My holiday I’m
gettin’ paid ♪
♪ I live it up, on the go
♪ I’m getting high.
I’m never low… ♪
♪
[heavy metal music]
[engine revs]
[metal scrapes]
[tires screech]
[indistinct conversations]
Who’s he?
Hey Zed!
Look at this.
We’re just getting started and I’m already double-fisting.
Hey everybody.
It’s been a minute.
Craig.
You can’t just come in here.
I just came to congratulate you on that hot rod.
That thing is pimp! My God!
Heck yeah.
Come on, why don’t we, uh…
I actually got a new car myself.
I got a Town and Country, midnight envy green, gently used. It’s so cool.
Let’s catch up…
Hey! Snacks are going all out tonight.
[laughs]
Oh, Garrett.
I’ve been thinking so much about your little busty daughter who everybody keeps staring at.
Why are people such bad people?
Alright.
I’ll be outta your hair in just a sec.
I just wanted to apologize for how I acted the last time we hung out.
I wanna say sorry to Austin for popping you.
Making the night weird and have to end early.
I just think it’s… a lot of stress I’m dealing with right now and it came out in that way, I’m sorry.
Well, look, hey, we appreciate that, Craig.
Honestly. Come on.
Let me show you the hot rod.
Come on.
Is it cool if I stay?
I apologized.
So that’s it.
I did one strange thing and I’m toast?
One thing.
That’s it. One thing and you throw me out.
Maybe you guys are the bad guys. Huh?
Are you guys the bad guys?
I mean, I know you’re not.
But can you give me a second chance?
Give me a second chance.
Get to know me.
Ask me something.
Get to know me.
Alright, come on. Let’s go. Let’s go. Come on.
Come on! Ask me something.
[crowd] Whoa, whoa!
Get to know me, come on! Get to know me!
Ask me something!
I got great “would you rathers”!
Don’t I, Austin?!
Would you rathers?
Would you rather, like…
Would you rather, uh, do stand up for one whole year just for your dad or would you rather fucking… I don’t know.
I can’t think of anything! I’m too nervous!
I’m too nervous and stressed!
You.
Ask me something!
Ask me something!
Alright, uh…
What… what’s your favorite food?
Fuck, I can’t fucking think of anything!
I’m too nervous!
Somebody else ask me!
You!
Who the hell are you?!
You guys got a new guy?
There’s a new guy?!
What’s your name?
Jimp. I got two twin girls.
Jim?
No, Jimp.
It’s like jump… with an I.
Jimp?
Jimp. Yeah.
I’m sorry.
This is fucking insane.
This is insane. [laughs] I’m sorry.
[sighs]
Should we just sing?
Let’s sing.
[singing] ♪ Boy,
you should know that
♪ I’ve had you on my mind
♪ Your secret admirer
♪ I’ve been watching
you at night ♪
[groans]
[gunshot]
Fuck!
Everybody get the fuck on the ground!
I’m in charge now!
I’m the one in charge!
Don’t even fucking look at me!
Keep your heads down!
[no audible dialogue]
I’ll blow your heads off!
Keep ’em down!
Garrett, I wanna blow your fat fucking head off!
You demand attention!
I’m sick of it!
You rich babies!
Alright, folks.
This has been a blast.
But unfortunately… it’s a school night for your daddy.
[police sirens]
You rats!
You called the fucking cops?!
[glass shatters]
♪
Great hanging, Craigy.
So fun, dude.
Great to see you guys.
Great to see you, man.
Of course, of course.
I’ll see you Friday night.
Yes. Yes. I’ll be there.
I’ll call you later.
Yeah, see ya. See ya.
Alright. Alright.
Hey.
You know how to get home, right?
I’ll do my best.
[both laughing]
Hey.
I love you, rock star.
I love you, Craigy.
[police radio chatter]
[indistinct conversation]
[overlapping conversation]
♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you. ♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ Every day I pray
my heart can win ♪
♪ Every night I pray I
can call you my man ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ I need you
♪ I want you
♪ to have you, hold
you, squeeze you ♪
♪ So I am going
now, every weekend ♪
♪ Just to see my boo again
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ These feelings
I have for you ♪
♪ That go deeper
if you can come ♪
♪ Correct with your game boy
♪ No, no
♪ No you can’t be lame boy
♪ But if you can please me
♪ then my love will come easy
♪ I’ll do anything you want
♪ Freak me boy
♪ I’m thinking of you
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ Boy, you’ve got all I need
♪ From what I see
♪ And boy
♪ Every night I am
constantly thinking of you ♪
♪
♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪ I want to be a lady maybe
♪ If the game is on
give me a call boo ♪
♪ If your love is strong
♪ I’m going to give
my all to you ♪
♪ At night I think of you
♪
♪ Cop killer
♪
♪ Let’s kill the cops tonight
♪
♪ Cop killer
♪
♪ Kill every cop in sight
♪ Cop killer
♪
♪
♪ Cop killer
♪
♪ Let’s kill the
cops tonight. ♪
♪
♪ Cop killer
♪
♪ Kill every cop in sight.
♪ Cop killer
♪
