Fixed (2025)
Director: Genndy Tartakovsky
Writers: Genndy Tartakovsky, Jon Vitti, Steve Greenberg
Stars: Adam Devine, Idris Elba, Kathryn Hahn, Fred Armisen, Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan, Michelle Buteau, River Gallo
* * *
[“Mr. Big Stuff” by Lyn Collins playing]
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
♪ You’re never gonna get my love ♪
♪ Now because you wear ♪
All those fancy clothes ♪
♪ And drive a big fine car ♪
♪ Oh yes, you do now ♪
♪ Do you think I can afford ♪
♪ To give you my love ♪
[song ends]
[man] Aw, what a cute little mutt.
Hey there, little guy.
[barking, panting]
[loud bang] Aw.
[soft music playing]
[rustling]
[soft whining]
[girl] Dad, what’s in the box?
[dad] Family, I’d like to introduce you to…
[groaning, whimpering] …Bull.
[all] Aw!
[woman] What a sweet boy!
[girl] He’s so cute.
[dad] Such a sweet little guy.
[girl] This is your home now. Look, Nana. My new little brother.
[Nana] Oh my goodness, what a little pudge cake.
[dad] I think he likes you, Nana.
[moaning happily, panting]
[music fades]
[birds singing]
[dog panting and growling softly]
[dog] Oh yeah.
[sighing] Oh yeah. So good.
Oh, oh, oh!
You’ve always been amazing.
Oh, you are my one and only.
Well, there’s lots of others, but you are my favorite.
Really.
Oh, oh.
Oh, Nana!
Oh, you feel so good.
[laughs] Right?
Who doesn’t love their Nana?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Are you into it?
Both of us gotta be into it.
Twoway enjoying.
[panting] Gotta be feeling that, right? [panting rapidly]
[moaning lustfully]
[moans loudly]
[continues moaning, panting] Who’s your good boy? Who’s your good boy?
[glass tinkling] Here we go!
[pants] Buckle up!
[Nana groans]
[dramatic sting]
[Nana] What’s happened? Where… where are my glasses?
My lipstick? What’s that doing there?
[suspenseful music playing]
[squeaking] Yeah, that’s my dick.
[Nana screams]
[dad] Mom? Are you okay?
What the fuck?
How many times have I told you to stop humping Nana?
Having trouble running. Still gotta finish here.
[dramatic music playing]
[electricity crackling]
[Bull screams] My dick is on fire!
[music slowing down]
[Bull grunts]
[girl screams] Oh yeah. Sweet, minty relief.
[dramatic music continues]
[dad] Leave it. Goddamn it, Bull.
[grunting]
[exclaims]
[panting rapidly] Oh, Bull!
[shoes squeaking]
[glass squeaking]
[woman gasps] Bull, you little shit!
[panting]
[dad] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Bull!
[dramatic music continues]
[dad screams]
[glass shattering]
[female dog] Hey, Bull.
[feet squealing]
[music stops] Oh, hey, Honey.
What’s up, girl? How’s it going?
[quirky sting] Oh, you know, everything’s good. How’s Nana?
Nana? Why… What… Why… Why would you ask about Nana all of a sudden?
It’s weird. It’s like, who cares about Nana?
[laughs] You know what I mean?
I don’t know. I’m smelling a musty odor and a certain potpourri and menthol scent, and, um, I’m not gonna lie to you, your pinky dinky is out.
Oh, that? No, that’s just morning wood.
Not a big deal.
At 2:30?
Well, afterlunch wood?
What? Do you girls not get that?
[sighs] Let me just take care of it.
[pop]
[awkward music playing]
[dad] Enough is enough. This has to stop!
So, yeah, you were saying…
[Bull screams]
[music stops]
[Bull chuckles] Oh, Bull, Bull, Bull.
You’ve been tapping Nana since we were pups.
She’s nothing but trouble. When are you gonna learn?
I know. I’m sick.
But she just smells so old.
It’s enchanting.
You need to stop. Just cut it off.
Go cold turkey.
Trust me, I’ve tried. Thanksgiving dinner was never the same.
What, they didn’t like their turkey tenderized and creamy?
[laughs] Girl, you are disgusting.
I’m not the one fucking dead turkeys.
Oh yeah. Good one. Got me.
Yeah, like I fuck dead turkeys. Get out of here with that.
Mmhmm. Sure, I think a Cornish hen is more your size anyway.
It’s tighter where it counts.
So, what’re you up to?
Well, I got the dog show coming up this week, so, just practicing my smooth gait.
Left, right, rearleft, rearright, left, right, rearleft…
Wow. It’s like you’re walking and skipping all at the same time.
[Honey continues indistinctly] I don’t get the whole dog show scene.
Everyone’s trying to be the best version of the same thing?
But what if you’re different? Is that bad?
And then after all the judging, they grope you?
They aren’t groping me.
They are gently touching my body and judging me based on how it feels.
Who are these people?
You know, dog lovers.
They document our lineage, keep tabs on what the standard should be, and breed us properly for the ultimate perfect specimen.
We’re like the royal family of our species.
[classical music playing]
[in British accent] Oh, my queen.
I have located the perfect specimen for you to breed with.
[in British accent] Oh, have you?
Well, I do say then, who is this chosen one?
I am Lord Duke, the Earl of Awesomeness, Sir Studley, and it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
You are quite below my usual standards.
But I am feeling generous, so you may partake in the royal penis.
Oh my! Sir Studley, I would be honored.
Shall we proceed?
[chuckles awkwardly]
[in normal voice] Absolutely, yeah. Proceeding’s what I… What I did…
I wanna do. Let’s proceed with it.
I just thought we would probably proceed with the next part after we kept going back and forth. [blows raspberry, groans] Oh! You thinking about Nana, or should I be flattered?
[girl] Bull, walk!
Gotta go. That’s my walk.
[British accent] All right, Sir Studley, I’ll be along shortly.
We shall continue at the park.
Shit, that got hot out of nowhere.
Gotta be ready next time I bust out the old accent.
[thud]
[Bull groaning]
[chuckles] Adorable.
[straining]
[dad] Hey, hey, hey.
There’s my little monster. You ready to go for a walk, big guy?
[gasps]
[mellow music playing] Okay, okay, I know.
[barks] Very exciting. Let me get this on you.
Hey, hey! [laughs] Hey, what?
Come on! [laughs] Come on!
[squeaking]
[panting]
[dad chuckles] There’s my horny little maniac.
Who loves you, huh? Who loves you?
Come on, boy. You ready to go?
[music stops]
[birds chirping] Holy crap! I gotta shit!
I gotta pee now! I gotta pee!
Thank God! I’ve been holding this all day!
I need to go!
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!
Fucking hell! Get me to the grass!
Oh! This shit is coming!
Pee, pee, pee, pee!
Poo, poo, poo, poo, poo.
Gotta go, gotta go!
[sniffs, sighs in relief]
[sniffling] Oh yeah.
[sighs in relief]
[sniffs, sighs in relief]
[dynamic jazz music playing]
[dogs whimpering]
[buzzing]
[growls] Fuck off.
[mosquito chuckles sheepishly]
[sniffs, groans] Oh!
What smells like nylon and varicose veins?
Oh, it’s Bull’s dick.
Oh, look, it’s Rocco, the ballless wonder.
[tail whipping] I don’t get your thing with Nana.
Why don’t you just lick yourself like every other dog?
Ah, I tried.
I just don’t like the way I taste.
See, I like my taste quite a lot. It’s like summertime in the country.
Blackberries with cinnamon and a touch of mint.
So, anyways, Rocco, you should have seen it.
Honey was all over me.
[pee splashing] She wanted to breed with me and everything.
[Rocco] Right. ‘Cause last week, you said she licked your face.
She totally did.
Because you smeared your fucking face in peanut butter.
Was there peanut butter? I don’t… There could have been.
Listen, mate, just simply tell her you love her.
Love?
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
Yeah, me and my boys aren’t really into those purebred showgirls.
‘Course. Yeah, no, Honey is definitely not right for you.
You’ve known her your whole life. She is your absolute fucking best friend.
Who would want that?
[dog] Oh, hey, Bull.
[sniffling] Ooh, you fucked Nana again, huh? [laughs]
[cool jazz music playing] What are you wearing?
It’s Business Mondays.
It’s demeaning, is what it is.
Yeah, well, my 900 followers don’t think so.
Mother says they love it.
It’s so weird that you call your human “Mother.”
Fetch, no one’s following you.
Yes, they are, on Mother’s phone.
They comment on my pictures like a little face with heart eyes.
And “I’m screaming!” And, “Oh my God, literally dead.”
And Mother even got me a sponsorship, so now I get free dental treats.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Fetch, you’re a valued member of the pack, but you cannot hang out with us if you’re gonna pretend to be human.
It is disgusting.
Ah. Whatever, you guys are just jealous.
Uh… Hi, Lucky.
Hey, guys. What’s up?
Oh God. What are you eating?
Oh, this? It’s a flaxseed protein bar.
It’s a little preplaytime pickmeup.
[sniffs, exclaims in disgust] Lucky, you’re eating cat shit.
What? [chuckles] No way.
[munching]
[whimsical music playing] Oh, mm. Yeah, no, I think you might be right.
[Lucky chewing] You’re still eating it.
[continues chewing] Oh God, yeah.
[laughs] Well, that’s disgusting.
Seems like you enjoyed it.
Nope.
Disgusting.
[woman] Oh wow!
[in baby voice] What a good little baby. My poopsie made a poopoo.
I love watching my human pick up my shit, especially if it’s a runny one.
You know what I love?
Taking a second shit when Mother only brought one bag.
[Fetch, Rocco chuckle] Why do humans need to pick it up at all?
It’s supposed to stay on the grass.
[blues music playing]
That way, it melts into the soil, which helps grow the new grass, which we then shit on again.
It’s the circle of shit.
[Fetch gasps] That’s pure poetry.
[music fades]
Where do you come up with this stuff?
It’s the boys in the back.
They inspire me.
They’re like my hairy, dangling muses.
[upbeat music playing]
[gasping, barking]
[exclaiming]
[sniffing]
[music stops]
All right, all right, all right, break it up already.
I’m here every day. It’s the same ass as yesterday.
[groaning]
[whooshing]
[dramatic music playing]
[dogs gasping]
[ball squeaking]
[pants]
[loud thud] Get off me, you fat ass!
[dog screaming] I’m not fat. I’m husky.
Stop drooling on me!
[sullenly] I’m a mastiff.
I can’t help it.
Fuck you, mastiff.
[dog screaming] This is a goddamn shit show.
[pretentiously] Excuse me. It’s pronounced “shih tzu.”
[ball squeaking] Why is chasing this stupid ball so fucking addictive?
It’s like… I don’t get it. It’s like, you got the ball. Now you drop it.
Now you’re wound up again. You just had it.
‘Cause you never know when it’s gonna move.
[gasps] What happened to Luther?
[sinister music playing] Oh, fuck. I recognize that expression anywhere.
Don’t say anything.
Hey, guys, what’s up?
Chasing anything around out there today?
Uh… Yeah, no, we’re good. How are you?
I’m good, I’m good. Good, good, good. Yeah, I’m good.
Good, good. [chuckles] I, uh… I, um… I…
I… [gasping] I thought they loved me.
[sobbing] Luther, pull yourself together, man.
You’ll be all right.
[Luther crying] Hey, what are you doing back there?
[dramatic sting] Oh!
Oh, fucking hell.
The window of nothingness.
[exclaims]
[dramatic sting] Who would do this to you?
My… people.
At… at least, I thought they were my people.
I came home after the park, and… and… and there was a party.
And… and… and I thought, “Hey, I… I’m a good dog. [chuckles] I deserve a party.”
Sure, you do.
It was crazy and decadent.
[panting] No rules.
As much as you wanted, right?
They let you drink from the toilet.
They filled it with KoolAid.
[panting] Best goddamn fucking KoolAid I ever had.
[sobbing] Well, hey, Luther, your schlong looks twice as big.
So, that’s cool.
It’ll be all right.
No, it’s not going to be all right!
Nothing will ever be the same again!
Easy there, mate, easy.
Look, I know the pain, all right? Just remember, you’re not alone.
I… I mean, you are in a sense ’cause your ball buddies are gone.
[clears throat] But you’ve got to rely on yourself now.
All right?
[sniffles]
[dog] Hello, Luther.
[intriguing music] I just saw your balls on a milk carton, because they’ve gone missing.
[sardonic laughter]
[grunts] Sterling.
Man, I hate that asshole.
Sterling, I thought you were my friend.
That was yesterday.
Today, you’re a mutilated freak.
I’m a show dog.
These are your friends now.
You can all get together and lick each other’s nothingness.
[sardonic laughter] Hey, I still have mine.
What? [chuckles weakly]
[Luther groaning]
[Sterling continues laughing] Oh… [panting]
[laughing] Oh God. It itches.
Can somebody corn on the cob me real quick?
Just like a horizontal chew jag?
[music ends]
Someone please put this loser out of his misery.
Pathetic.
[Luther sobbing]
[Rocco groans] Now, listen, you featherpuss fuck! You aren’t any better than us.
No, actually, I am better than you.
I’ve been refined over generations to genetic perfection, while your mom shit you out into a trash can somewhere.
Don’t you talk about my mum! Understand?
She had 15 pups, and she did her best that she could.
So… so… so some of us didn’t get a nipple. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love me.
Hey, Rocco, easy.
Let Team Bull handle this. This guy isn’t worth it, all right?
Oh! All hail the king of the ballless and maimed. [laughs]
[Bull sniffing]
[intriguing music continues] What is that, by the way? Eucalyptus?
You get a fancy little bath this morning?
All scrubbed up and pampered like a little goldendoodle?
[both chuckling] You know what I smell like?
Yeah, piss and shit.
Yeah, exactly.
And meat and grass.
Toilet water.
And maybe a hint of unexpressed anal glands.
I smell like a real dog.
You see these, chief?
I was born ballsfirst, guy. Literally.
You know my mom pushed like an hour just for the nuts.
We were born like a set of triplets, coming out one after the other after the other, each one more gorgeous than the last.
The vet was like, “Jesus, look at that nut.”
“Oh my God, look at the second nut! It’s gorgeous!”
And then, “Wow. Look at the guy those nuts are attached to.”
[music stops] I can see the resemblance. You look exactly like a ball sack.
[laughs] I figured this moron wouldn’t understand.
I mean, he’s been inbred for generations, right?
Do you ever think about just how many cousins and siblings had to fuck each other to produce a douche bag like you?
[all gasping, laughing]
[female dog moaning]
[both moaning] Humanstyle, baby. [groans] Yeah.
The people are watching us.
Quick, put your tail in my ass.
[pop]
[both moaning] Why are they watching this?
Humans are just as obsessed with sex as we are.
Oh, hi.
Hey, Honey.
When my humans do it, I climb on the bed and stare them right in the eye.
Totally ruins it for them. It’s hilarious.
[sobbing] Oh, Luther, sorry for your loss.
Hey, Honey. Or should I say… [in British accent] “Greetings, my queen”?
Oh! Hello, my darling.
Hey, Sterling.
Your loins are really filling out.
[intriguing music playing] Mm. Very nice. I like.
Excuse me? We were talking.
And look at the depth of your chest.
Oh, my. [seductively] You’re floorready for sure.
Thanks.
Wow, you really think so?
Yes.
I know I’m obviously gonna take Best of Breed, but you actually have a chance to take Winner’s Bitch.
Listen, asshole, you can’t call her…
No, that’s actually good.
It is?
Yeah, it would be amazing, actually.
It could be better than amazing, ’cause then we could do a little of that.
[both moaning] Kiki…
[Kiki howls softly]
[Kiki groans] I don’t know.
That’s not really my style.
I’m more of a traditionalist.
Oh, yeah, yep. [splutters] Yeah, I’m into the traditionalist way of doing that. That’s so cool.
I just wanna back it up and take my time with it.
Oh yeah, no, I think I… I think I understand, uh, conceptually.
And then clamp on for the ride.
[thud]
[music stops] Shit. Can you imagine?
He would not know what to do.
Like a lost little puppy.
A little different than busting on couch cushions, huh?
Or you’re probably the granny or the Nana type, yes?
Yes! Oh yes, look at that look.
You are, aren’t you? What a little perv.
Who doesn’t wanna do their Nana?
I mean, when ours comes to visit, I climb that mountain and grind it hard.
Every time.
Ooh, I just concentrate on her bony knees and…
[moans, groans] …get all deep on that shit.
Right, Bull?
Oh yeah. No, totally. Fucking…
Fucking grandmas. It’s so cool.
[woman whistles] Come on, everyone, time to go!
[man] All right!
[woman] Let’s go!
[somber music playing]
[Sterling chuckles] Mm. I love me some afterpark stink!
I can’t believe you shit on Ralph.
I told you. I didn’t see him.
[Ralph whimpering] You know, mate, it’s not the balls that make the dog.
Sure, we can’t make pups, but other than that, it don’t make no difference.
Oh yeah, Roc, I know.
If anything, it’s just like extra baggage in the back.
It’s a drag, honestly.
[music fades] Why do you like that pathetic mutt?
Who, Bull? Oh, you know, he’s my nextdoor neighbor.
We’ve, like, known each other since we were on the teat.
I mean, “like”? How can you like Bull?
Why would you… Why would anyone like Bull?
He’s weird. He’s awkward.
He’s, like, sweet and funny.
He’s pudgy, but he’s not like… I wouldn’t say he’s “fat” pudgy, Okay, I really don’t care, goodbye.
There’s a lot to chew on.
Not that I want to chew on Bull, I’m not saying that, but he looks like a grocery bag filled with potatoes.
[laughs] I mean, is that cute? Or, you know, sexy?
No, I’m not saying that, but I guess if you like potatoes, it could be.
But, you know, I like potatoes, but they’re not for everybody.
And, I mean, I’m just a show dog, and he’s a regular dog.
[enchanting music playing] Why would he ever like someone like me?
[music fades]
[birds singing]
[Bull whimpering, groaning] Sterling, you cockfaced asshole.
[barks]
[tense music playing]
[mom] Who’s a good boy?
[girl] Who’s my baby?
[dad] Scratchies and rubbies for the big fella!
[grunting]
[action music playing]
[mom] Here’s your bone!
[girl] And Mr. Squeaks!
[dad] We’re having fun now!
[squeaking] But this is the nono couch.
[mom] Who’s hungry for some meat?
Oh!
[dad] Who wants the ball? Go get it, boy.
Fetch in the house!
[clattering]
[glass shattering]
[snout squealing] Oh no.
[dad] Who made a big mess?
[mom] Who wants some yummies?
Here, fuck my slippers.
[dad] Dig through the trash.
Who’s thirsty?
[barks] Come on, boy.
Delightful day.
Get in there, boy.
What? The shiny white throne?
[tense music playing] Where’s my water bowl?
[dad] Here we go. Special treat for the special boy.
What the…
[ominous music playing]
[echoing] They filled it with KoolAid.
They let you do whatever you want.
[all echoing eerily] It happened like that to all of us.
Holy…
[dad] It’s all right.
Come on. Just get in there.
[liquid splashing] No! No. No. [yelps] Oh, it’s so good. Oh, it’s so good.
But no.
[dad] Oh! Look at that. What a happy boy.
[girl echoing] Dad, is he gonna be okay?
[dad echoing] He’s gonna be better than ever.
Fuck me.
[ominous music ends]
[birds chirping]
[Bull yells] Why?
[Bull cries] Why?
Well, there goes another pair.
Why? Why? Why?
[tense music playing]
Why us? Wh… what did we do? What did we do?
[exclaims] Sure, fucking Nana, in hindsight, wasn’t a great idea, but the punishment does not fit the crime!
[yells] Oh, for fuck’s sake, Bull. Take it easy. It was bound to happen eventually.
We survived it.
You don’t get it. These are my balls!
Without them, I’ll be like some lifeless zombie.
[blankly] “Pet me, feed me, walk me.”
Oh, we’re zombies now?
You’re talking crazy, Bull.
And it’s really hurtful.
Hurtful?
How do you think I’m gonna feel when they rip my nuts out?
You think that’ll be a little painful?
They might as well rip out my heart, my soul!
It’s all the same.
I’m scared.
You should be scared. We all should be scared.
There’s nothing after this.
The sun won’t shine as bright.
Bacon will be less bacony.
The scent of life will be dulled forever.
[soft music playing] And Honey… Oh, my sweet, sweet Honey.
No way she’s gonna want a fat, ballless, nopupmaking freak!
Don’t you think Honey might like you because of who you are inside and not because you have balls?
Now who’s talking crazy?
You know nothing about this, Fetch.
I’ve had enough.
I know you’re scared, Bull, but you’re kinda being an asshole.
What?
[music stops] Wait, where are you guys going?
You know what?
You’re just like all those other shitheads who think just because they got danglers between their legs, it makes them better than everyone else.
Go fuck yourself, Bull.
Oh yeah? Like that’s even possible!
[groans, sobs]
[thud]
[groaning]
[groaning, whimpering] Bull? Is that horrible noise coming from you?
[cries, sniffs] Oh. Hey, Honey. Yeah, it’s me. Whoa.
[seductive music playing] Wow.
I mean, really, wow. You look great.
Oh, thanks.
[music fades] It’s showtime, so I gotta get properly primped, which, if you didn’t know, involves hours and hours of, uh, brushing and brushing, and then I got my nails clipped, then I got my teeth brushed, and then…
What’s up with you?
Are you all right? Oh no.
Did Nana die?
Oh. Well, you knew it wouldn’t last.
Oh no, she’s fine.
You know, it’s just… just my whole future.
All my plans.
It’s just hard to say this, but I… You know, just found out that I, uh…
[woman] Honey, come! Let’s go, girl.
Oh, uh, sorry, Bull, gotta go.
Wish me luck.
Mmhmm. Sure.
Okay, well, good luck!
I’ll just be here until they amputate my nut buds.
Goodbye, Honey. I shall never partake in your sweet nectar.
I, uh… I always loved you.
There, I said it. You didn’t hear it, but I said it.
[sobbing]
[yells] Fuck!
Dogs are disgusting.
They’re constantly smelling butts, licking balls, drooling…
Ugh!
You wanna eat some garbage?
Oh, yes, please.
[gasping]
[dad] Hey, Bull.
[toy squeaking] You wanna play, big guy?
Here he comes, the head of the castrating committee.
[dad] What do you say, buddy? Wanna play some fetch?
[ball squeaks]
[sad music playing]
[Bull] Look at me. Look at me!
Look at the pain you have inflicted on me.
Don’t you pet me. Don’t… pet me.
Don’t pet me!
[dad sighs]
[Bull] Yeah, that’s right. Walk away.
Walk away, you bastard!
How?
How could you possibly live with yourself and what you’re about to do?
[ant groaning]
[music fades]
[ant grunting] Ah, look at this little guy pushing his little crumb.
You want any help, friend?
No! I got this.
[strained] I got it. Uh! I can do it. [groaning continues] Yes.
Yes, you can! So can I!
[inspirational music playing] I don’t have to submit to this senseless mutilation.
I, like the ant, will push that metaphoric crumb, my balls, up the grass of hope and opportunity to freedom!
[music swells]
[dad and mom laughing] These twolegged, upright, hairless jerks.
You think just because you give me food and shelter and little kisses and hugs and make me feel so safe and warm and loved, that gives you the right to butcher me.
No more collars, no more baths, no more teeth cleanings for me.
[grunts]
[glass breaking, crashing] I’m gonna eat what I want, sleep where I want.
I’m gonna do whatever I want, whenever I want, with newer, better friends.
I am a wild fucking wolf!
[music crescendos]
[Bull shouting]
[music ends with dramatic sting]
[loud thud] Ow.
[creaking]
[groaning]
[“Hurt So Bad” by Willie Hutch playing]
♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt, it hurt so bad ♪
♪ Hurt so bad ♪
♪ I know you ♪
♪ Don’t know what I am going through ♪
♪ Standing here ♪
♪ Looking at you ♪
[dog barking]
♪ Please ♪
Brainless loser.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Come back, it hurts so bad ♪
♪ Yes, it does ♪
[song fades]
[sirens wailing in the distance] Well, there it is, boys.
Our destiny awaits.
It’s gonna be just the three of us now, so we might as well get to know each other properly.
Lefty, you’ve always been a little bigger, and, for some reason, consistently spicier.
So your name will be Ol’ Spice.
Righty, you’re small but mighty.
A takecharge type.
You will be Napoleon.
[intriguing music playing] You see all that?
That’s our new home.
As far as the eye can see.
[music stops]
[cars honking, revving]
[stomach growls] Shit. I’m already hungry.
Where am I gonna eat?
Maybe I didn’t think this all the way through.
[sniffing]
[gasps]
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[gulps]
[slurps]
[exclaims] Oh, food rain!
Never get that in the old domesticated dungeon.
[gulps]
[upbeat music continues]
[people laughing]
[Bull chuckles]
[music stops]
[mellow reggae music playing]
[soft inhaling]
[inhaling]
[soft exhaling]
[sniffing] Whoa.
That smell is weird.
It’s like it has a hint of skunk with just a kiss of citrus and pine.
Mmm.
[inhales deeply]
[gagging, coughing]
[mellow reggae music continues]
[moaning]
[ethereal music playing]
[muffled rumbling]
[echoing] Oh… What’s that sound?
[muffled rumbling continues]
[echoing] Hey! Stop that.
I’m gonna get you.
[Honey] Hey, Bull.
What?
Why, hello, my… milady.
So happy I found you.
I feel like we didn’t get to finish our conversation. [echoing] Oh, uh, you know…
Actually, I was gonna say, like, you know, I’m in love with you, always have been.
Is that cool?
That’s very cool.
Can I lick your balls?
[chuckles] Uh…
Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t expecting that to be first on the itinerary, but if that’s how you express your love…
[loud licking]
[Honey] Mm. Mmm!
[Bull exclaims]
[Honey] These are great. So good. So mushy but firm.
Ah, oh. Ow!
Hey, that stings. It’s like tiny little needles.
[rats squeaking]
[ominous music playing]
[Bull screams]
[rats squeal]
[loud squealing]
[screams]
[dramatic music playing]
[blade clinks]
[Bull gasps]
[music stops] Oh!
[eerie music playing]
[sizzling]
[gasps]
[truck horn blaring]
[balloons pop] Oh
[male voice 1] Help us.
Don’t let it happen to us!
Who said that?
[male voice 1] Please, help.
Who’s there?
[male voice 2] Down here!
[mysterious music playing] Don’t just stand there staring like some kind of buffoon.
Do something!
Ol’ Spice? Y… you can talk?
Of course I can talk, you idiot.
Now what are you gonna do to save us?
[in French accent] This dog, he is not smart.
We must wait no longer.
It is time to put fate into our own hands, not the cold paws of this fool.
I agree, Frenchie.
We’ve been hanging around this loser for far too long.
[both groaning]
[upbeat music playing] No, my bros!
Come back! I got this, really! I would never let anything happen to you.
[Bull screams] No!
Wait! Wait! Come back!
[music stops] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You fucking cat! Let go of my balls!
[quirky music playing] What? [jabbering] Wait, where am I?
[sighs] Oh, my balls. [laughs] Thank God.
Ooh! It was all a bad dream.
[sighs in relief] Uh, well, you look busy, so I’ll just see myself out.
[cats meowing] Yeah, you fucking dogs.
[tense music playing] Needy, neurotic cretins.
Pissing and shitting wherever you please, like the world is your personal toilet.
Yeah, time we teach you furniturefuckers a lesson.
[cats growling] How to die.
[Bull exclaims]
[cats gasping]
[music stops]
[sniffing] Meow, he’s dead.
Eh, could be a trick.
[dramatic music] Better rip his face to shreds to be sure. [grunts]
[yowls, hisses]
[claws clink]
[inspirational music playing] My… my pack!
Huh?
What are you supposed to be?
[upbeat rock music playing] Mother calls this “Bad Boy Fetch.”
[engine revving]
[music stops] Fucking dogs.
[spitting]
[cats mewing] You… You came for me?
[tense music playing] After everything I said?
We know you didn’t mean it. You were panicked, delusional, crazed.
You had the nutloss fever.
I am so sorry.
I was just so scared, angry, confused, I lashed out at you, my cratemates.
Apology accepted.
Now, what the hell are we gonna do about all these fucking cats?
[music ends with dramatic sting]
[cats yowling]
[yowling swells]
[yowling continues]
[rapid pounding] This is some tense shit. Why aren’t they attacking?
‘Cause they’re trying to mind fuck us.
It’s that meowing.
They’re trying to lull us into some kind of hypnotic trance.
I think it’s working.
[eerie ringing]
[yowling continues] Then, when you least expect it, they’ll attack us in a mad, uncontrollable rage of fury.
I… I can’t move.
[pounding stops]
[menacing music playing]
[menacing music swells]
[music stops]
[yowling stops]
[eerie silence]
[cat yowls]
[Rocco screams]
[Bull screams]
[cat screeching]
[Lucky screams]
[cat hissing]
[cats screeching]
[Fetch screams]
[frantic music playing]
[cat shrieking]
[Bull screaming]
[cats screeching]
[tires squealing]
[car honks]
[music halts]
[objects clatter]
[music continues]
[all screaming]
[music ends with dramatic sting]
[spits] Fucking dogs.
[soft squeaking]
[all panting, gasping] Well, I guess that’s it.
[sad music playing] Time to go home and face the hatchet.
[music fades] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec. You know, we didn’t get to use our giblets before them humans ripped them away from us, but you still have yours.
We’re gonna go out there and suck every bit of fun out of those balls before you lose them.
Together.
We’re all gonna suck your balls.
What?
Whoa.
Huh?
Oh no, no.
I meant we’re just going along for the ride as you enjoy your balls before you lose them.
That’s right, Lucky. It’ll never be tonight ever again.
We’re domesticated and proud.
But tonight, we’re off leash!
[music fades]
[adventurous music playing]
[squirrel screams] Kill the squirrel!
[cars honking]
[squirrel whimpering]
[indistinct chatter]
[glass shattering]
[people screaming]
[waiter yelps]
[people continue screaming]
[glass shattering]
[objects clattering]
[squirrel screaming]
[woman screams]
[exclaims]
[loud munching]
[music stops] Oh shit.
[Bull burps] We just mutilated that poor little squirrel.
Why do you think we were chasing it?
I don’t know.
Why do dogs chase squirrels?
Because we hate those diseaseridden, furry little tree rodents.
[exclaims] How am I supposed to clean myself? I don’t wanna lick squirrel blood.
Ugh, yuck!
[soft skittering] Another squirrel!
[dramatic music playing] Lucky, no, that’s not a squirrel!
That’s a skunk!
[loud hissing]
[all gasp]
[Lucky yells]
[music intensifies]
[loud shrieking]
[yells] Ah! Ah! My eyes! No! No! Ah!
[tense music playing] Oh, my eyes are itching so bad!
[groaning]
[continues yelling] Oh! Yeah! Wow, it hurts so good!
[Lucky screams]
[retches, coughs] Whoa. Guys, you gotta get in on this.
[Lucky gags, retches] Oh yeah, uhuh.
Hell, no.
Yeah, I’m good.
[adventurous music playing]
[Bull] Fuck off, humans!
No one tells us where to shit.
[adventurous music continues]
[paws squealing]
[music fades]
[suspenseful music playing]
[echoing] Help me.
They’ve gone too far.
[all barking]
[woman exclaims] Crazy dogs!
[squeaking] Uh… Uh… Uh…
Hey! I can walk. I can walk, I can walk!
[adventurous music continues]
[crashing]
[man yelps]
[engine revving]
[squeaks]
[music pauses]
[sighs] Freedom has its cost.
[music continues]
[cars honking]
[thud]
[tires squealing]
[music stops] What the hell?
Bull?
[muffled voice] Honey? Honey, I can’t believe it’s you.
What?
[Honey’s owner] Oh my goodness.
I hope you’re all right.
Bull, are you okay?
Oh, wow. It’s crazy to see you like this ’cause I… I realized with everything…
And then, ’cause I… I…
Uh, well, I… I love you.
[tires squealing]
[Honey] Sorry, Bull. We’re late for the dog show!
Hey! Hey. Did you get hit by a car?
Honey.
Huh?
Where?
Here.
Huh?
Honey.
What happened?
Bull got hit by a car and thinks he saw Honey.
I did see her, and… and… Well, I tried to tell her I love her.
She was late for the dog show and drove off before I could tell her.
Now, I never will.
I couldn’t do it with my balls, and without them, it’ll be impossible.
[all gasp] She’s gone forever.
[tense music playing] Bull, what do you smell?
[sniffs] Uh… Dog shampoo…
[sniffs] …perfume, pretentious assholes, judgment and the stench of disappointment.
Oh my gosh!
[epic music playing]
[Bull chuckles] The dog show!
[Rocco] Now let’s get you some Honey.
[music stops]
[cameras clicking]
[crowd cheering] How are we gonna get in?
Ooh! I’ve got an idea.
[mysterious music playing]
[groaning]
[Lucky] I don’t know about this, guys.
[Fetch] Come on, Lucky. You’re so good at making that human sound.
They’ll never know.
[Fetch groans]
[Lucky exclaims, squeaks]
[Rocco] Fucking hell, boys. Posture, posture.
[creaking]
[Bull] Fetch, tuck in that noseboner.
[creaking] No! That’s even worse.
[music ends]
[in highpitched bark] Hi!
Oh, uh, hi.
How’s it going?
Hi!
[Bull] How? That guy is really bad at his job.
[scattered barking]
[suspenseful music playing] Leg back, spine straight, chin up.
Perfect.
Peppy walk, peppy walk, peppy walk, peppy walk.
Victory jump, victory jump, victory jump.
Awoof. Awoof. Awoof.
Oh, that’s not right.
Ruff! Ruff!
Oh, that’s the good stuff.
Well done, old chap.
[man over PA] Next up, the borzoi showing, stage one.
[crowd cheering] He said borzoi. That’s Honey!
Gotta find stage one.
[sobbing] I’m worthless.
I should be put to sleep.
I don’t deserve to live. [crying] Oh, jeez. Harsh.
These poor dogs, constantly judged.
What a life.
A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
[ethereal music playing] It just blooms.
To be a champion, you must face not the competitor next to you.
You must face the one inside you.
[music fades] Wow. That is so deep, Lucky.
[sniffs] Oh, chocolate soft serve on the floor!
No, Lucky, that’s shit!
[indistinct chatter]
[chilling music playing]
[music fades] That is just freaky.
[announcer over PA] And now, to announce our Best of Breed.
Entry number 48.
Honey.
Threetime winner and reigning champion, Sterling!
[crowd cheering]
[classical music playing] Yes, of course, of course.
Sterling wins. No surprise here.
[cameras clicking] Ugh, he’s such a douche.
[announcer] And now, for our bestjudged female, taking home the title of Best Breed and now champion, Honey!
Wow. I can’t believe it. I did it!
[crowd cheering]
[epic music playing]
[cameras clicking] I told you. All your hard work paid off.
Look how happy she is.
Why would she ever want a miserable sack of shit like me?
[gloomy music playing]
[camera clicking] Look at you, standing out from the crowd.
So special.
[music fades]
[quirky music playing] So special?
[Bull] But what if you’re different? Is that bad?
You’re, like, so much better than me. It’s my nose, isn’t it? It’s too long.
Wait, no, it looks just like mine.
It’s your ass. It’s so symmetrical.
Why do I keep torturing myself? I’ll never win.
You’re perfect. This is hopeless!
I hope you choke on your blue ribbon, bitch!
Whoa. What?
I shouldn’t have eaten breakfast.
Why would they choose a pig to win a dog show?
No!
[music fades] Ugh, how did I not see this?
Different is good.
I don’t want to be like everyone else.
[sentimental music playing]
[sighs] Bull was right.
I wanna be me.
And I want…
Bull?
[scattered barking] Ugh. Nonbrushed, horrid smell.
You’re not a show dog, vile creature.
Fuck you.
You think you’re better because you drank from your mother’s nipple.
What?
I’m as good as you. My mama loved me!
She did her best. There were 15 of us, for fuck’s sake.
How can one mother feed so many mouths?
[dramatic sting] Reginald, we’re on stage, now!
Ugh, this is not gonna end well.
[tense music playing]
[growling]
[Reginald’s owner] Reginald, stop resisting.
[tense music continues]
[Rocco] Oh.
[Rocco groans]
[grunts]
[gulps]
[Rocco grunts, gasps]
[ears snap]
[groans]
[growling] Don’t do it, mate. Don’t go down there.
[music builds]
[dramatic sting]
[Reginald’s owner screams]
[Rocco barks]
[all barking]
[people exclaiming, screaming]
[dogs barking]
[frantic music playing] Bull! Bull!
[music stops]
[people screaming] Ugh. Can this night get any worse?
Hey, we’re here for you, pal.
Come on, the night’s still young.
Ooh! Let’s go get sprayed by that skunk again!
No, thanks.
Mother says some herbal tea always brightens the mood.
Oh, fuck your mother, Fetch!
What Bull needs right now is to teabag someone before his bags are gone!
I’m sorry, guys. I can’t. I’m done.
Look, I know that wasn’t ideal, but we can’t go out like that.
Yeah. [exhales] I’m not feeling super… duh… in the mood right now.
So let’s get in the mood.
There’s no better way to get over heartbreak than to immediately move to someone else.
[sighs] Just forget it, Rocco.
Damn, I need to mount something stat. You wanna head to the Humphouse tonight?
Yes, please. That place is swimming with tail.
No shit, Richie. It’s a dog whorehouse.
Ugh, why do you have to be such a dick all the time?
Let’s follow those guys. They sound goaloriented.
[techno music playing]
[sirens wailing in the distance] Whoa.
Whoo! Hot stuff up in here tonight. I gotta get me a drink.
Yeah! This is what tonight is all about.
Let’s hit it.
Sure. Whatever. If you guys want.
[techno music continues] Welcome, bitches.
Are you ready to go wild?
See, I tried that earlier. I was going crazy.
Oh, sweetheart, it is not wild out there.
This is the place where it is… [breathily] …wild.
Now enter the house of pleasure.
[Fetch] This way?
[Rocco] Yeah. All right.
[Bull] Okay.
What is it, baby?
I don’t know.
I guess I’ve never met another dog like you.
Mm. And you never will again.
I am one of a kind.
I am Frankie.
Frankie?
Mmhmm.
What is your name?
Lucky.
[playfully] Ooh. Yes, you are, aren’t you?
Follow me.
Okay, sure.
[“Candy Shop” by 50 Cent featuring Olivia playing]
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ I’ll take you to the candy shop ♪
♪ Yeah… ♪
Fuck me.
♪ Uhhuh ♪
♪ I’ll have you spendin’ all you got ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Keep goin’ ’til you hit the spot… ♪
[dog moaning] Mother, help me.
♪ Temperature risin’, okay Let’s go to the next level ♪
♪ Dance floor jampacked Hot as a tea kettle ♪
♪ I’ll break it down for you now Baby, it’s simple ♪
♪ If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho ♪
♪ In the hotel… ♪
[dog barks]
[dogs whimpering]
♪ It’s whatever you into ♪
♪ Got the magic stick I’m the love doctor ♪
♪ Have your friends teasin’ you ‘Bout how sprung I got you… ♪
Sit!
[all whimper] Roll over!
[all whimper] Play dead!
[all whimper]
[trembling] Oh shit. That’s hardcore.
♪ I’m tryin’ to explain, baby The best way I can… ♪
[dogs barking]
[moaning]
[squeaking]
[moaning] Uh… uh… uh, you know what? This is all really intense, and with all the Honey stuff going on, I don’t know if I…
Bull, forget about Honey, son. She’s not here.
But you are, and so is she.
♪ The things we do ♪
♪ Are just between me and you, yeah ♪
♪ Give it to me, baby… ♪
The cuties are out tonight.
♪ Ride like you in a rodeo ♪
♪ You ain’t never heard A sound like this before… ♪
Oh, okay. I’m gonna go check this one out.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I don’t know what to do.
Just be yourself.
I don’t know who that is!
[“Candy Shop” continues] Hey, what’s up?
[Rocco chuckles] Hi, this is Bull. Never been adjusted. All natural. Know what I’m saying?
[Bull chuckles] Well, hello, Bull.
[seductively] I’m Molasses.
[Bull echoing] Molasses.
[“Sweet Sticky Thing” by Ohio Players]
♪ Sweet ♪
♪ Sweet, sticky thing ♪
♪ Sweet ♪
It’s a sign.
[song ends] Molasses is a tastier version of Honey.
[“Candy Shop” continues] Go get it.
[splutters] Can I get some?
Get some of what?
Oh, I mean, can I some drink on you?
No, wait. Uh, uh… Yeah, a drink of you?
Can I, uh, I mean, get you a drink?
Oh, okay. Follow me.
[“Candy Shop” continues] No worries, mate. You’ve got this.
Really?
Nope.
He’s fucked.
[sirens wailing in the distance] Yeah, I don’t know.
I guess I’m always chasing a new smell or a new taste because, to me, that’s like truth or something, I guess.
But… [sighs] …I’m never satisfied. Does that make any sense?
Yes. Of course it does.
But perhaps you fixate on the external because you are scared of something which lies inside.
[soft music playing] I know this feeling well.
You struggle to accept yourself, to love yourself.
Well, uh, you’re right.
I’ve always felt kind of different, I guess.
I don’t know how to love myself.
And maybe you could show me?
[Frankie] Mmhmm.
[licking sound] Oh.
Uh… [screams]
[yelling] Oh! [chuckles]
[joyful music playing] Yeah!
Okay, that was quick.
[music stops] Now… it is your turn.
[mumbles indistinctly] Well, what do I do?
The same thing I did to you.
But I’ve never done anything like this. [laughs] So…
Wow! I haven’t seen one like that before.
[chuckles] Sweetheart, that is my specialness. My… my everything.
Myself, which is very deserving of love.
You’ve got a pea pod and a zucchini?
Yummy, isn’t it?
Are you hungry?
Well, sure. I’m always hungry.
[Frankie yelps] What the fuck was that?
[entrancing music playing]
[Bull chuckles awkwardly]
[panting] You nervous, baby?
[mumbling] Yeah, I’m…
Let’s see what you’re all about.
[sniffles]
[Bull groans] Ooh, that’s musky.
Oh, my!
Have you ever smelled pure, untapped heat?
[sniffs] You know, I… I… I don’t think so.
Is that what that smell is? It’s quite tangy.
It’s like a sausage but sweeter, like apple sausage.
I… I always wondered, is apple sausage made from real apples?
Oh, bathe in it, booboo.
[seductive sting]
[inhales deeply] It’ll cleanse you of any inhibitions, fill you with desire.
Actually, it’s clearing my allergies. [sniffs] Or it might be a chronic sinus issue. Hard to tell.
You’re babbling.
Me? No, that’s silly.
It’s just my oral foreplay.
You know, some dogs do it with their tongues, or whatever.
But I throw out the seduction and pleasure through an audiosymphonic “dicktation,” if you know what I mean, if you catch my drift…
Well, then, why won’t you just speak into the microphone?
Hey! [chuckles] Is this thing on?
What’s the deal with fire hydrants? Am I right?
Slow down, cowboy. Good things come to those who wait.
Yeah. I don’t know how true that is.
I was waiting for something good, my best friend, Honey.
Mmhmm.
You’d like her, actually.
Similar name categories too, interestingly enough.
I guess I always thought there was a chance.
But I waited and waited, and now it’s too late.
I know I said best friend, but Honey’s actually a lot more than that.
She’s basically my cool, wet grass that I scoot on.
She’s my first morning pee.
You know what? Can you get an itch for me?
It’s all the way by my shoulders.
Yeah, sure. Okay.
She’s all I ever needed or wanted, and I never had the courage to just say what I needed to say to her.
[gasps] Here we go!
Bull?!
[dramatic sting] Honey! Oh my God, you’re here!
Oh, okay, you know what? I’m really not into multiples.
I’m kidding! I totally am!
Can you imagine if that’s where I drew the line?
Unfuckingreal.
I can’t believe I ran away from a show just to find you mounting another dog.
You left the show to find me?
Wait. That’s amazing! That’s great!
This isn’t, by the way… I’m not mounting anybody.
Well, what would you call that?
What the… No, no!
[groaning] Yeah, you ain’t going nowhere now, baby.
[Bull struggling]
[Molasses] Mmhmm.
[grunting, moaning]
[tense music playing] God, I’m such an idiot.
Honey, no! Wait, I can explain!
I saw you and Sterling, and I thought…
I mean, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?
Doesn’t matter now. I thought maybe you were different.
Clearly, you are the same as all of them.
No! Honey, this is not that.
You’re hanging by your dick from her vagina, Bull!
What do you call it?
I don’t know what to call it, but it isn’t sex.
Oh shit! It’s the cops!
[police sirens wailing]
[dramatic music playing]
[dogs barking in the distance] I will rescue you, my darling.
[dogs barking] You are the best lover I ever had.
No inhibitions, pure desire.
[Lucky yells] Lucky, no!
[barking] Stay away from her, motherfuckers!
[barking]
[officers grunting]
[Honey barks, growls] I can handle myself. Stay away from me.
[Bull yelps]
[dramatic music continues] Shit! [gasps]
[groans] No!
We gotta get out of here! [gasps] Oh! Rocco! Ah!
[music ends]
[dog whimpering]
[dogs barking]
[sinister music playing]
[female dog 1] Ooh!
[whistling] Ooh. You’re mine now.
[growling]
[Fetch whimpering] Oh shit! Look at those balls!
Come on, come on, I’m in heat! Take me now, take me now!
Give me the juice, give me the juice, give me the juice!
Hey, baby.
[Rocco exclaims] Fucking hell, nipples.
Look at those nipples! Look at all them nipples. [trembling]
[female dog 2] Come on and suck on these teats.
Mum, can I finally really have some, Mum?
[female dog 2] Come get it, boy.
No, Rocco! That’s not your mom!
But the nipples! The nipples!
[music ends]
[Rocco barking] Honey.
[emotional music playing]
[Fetch sighs] I’m a convict. Mother will never forgive me.
No more likes. No more hearts.
You have to face the truth, Fetch.
You’re just a dog.
[sniffles] Bowwowwow.
[sobs] Bowwow.
[cries]
[Lucky sighs] I know this probably isn’t the right time to say this, but I fell in love.
What? With who?
That striking Doberman, Frankie.
They are everything and have everything.
Everything? What do you mean?
They had a fruit and a vegetable.
Ah, I’ve heard about this.
You see, Frankie was born with both a cannoli and a lasagne.
I’m confused.
That doesn’t matter, okay?
All I know is they taught me how to love myself.
And how to 699.
This is all my fault.
[Lucky] Yeah.
For sure.
Oh, yeah. No, everything that happened is your fault, definitely.
Thanks for the support.
[officer] Oh, look at you.
You don’t belong in here.
Let’s see if you have a chip. Yep, here we go.
Well, it won’t be long now.
How do you know?
[Fetch] He scanned her chip.
Her owners are being informed of her location as we speak.
[Bull] Well, that’s great, I guess.
She doesn’t belong in a place like this.
[somber music playing]
[birds chirping]
[music fades]
[officer] Right this way. She’s back here.
[lock rattles]
[Honey’s owner gasps] There she is.
Oh, Honey, my precious little angel.
How you ended up here, I’ll never know.
[gate opening] We better hurry home. We have a big playdate for our little champion.
[ominous music playing] Big playdate?
Oh no.
What is it?
That’s what he meant at the park! Fuck!
If Honey won, then he would get to breed with her.
She’s gonna be studded out to that douche bag Sterling.
[sighs] It’s over.
Uhoh.
I gotta go. I gotta go bad. Where do I go? Where do I go?
Don’t you smell it, Lucky? It’s all around you.
This fucking whole place is a giant pee puddle.
[intriguing music playing] Holy shit, that just might work.
All right. Listen up, everyone.
Once we were on vacation at this place called Las Vegas, right?
They had a lot of lights, and all the…
[music fades]
[dogs barking frantically]
[officer 1] What the heck’s going on in there?
[dogs continue barking frantically]
[keys jingling]
[“Time to Say Goodbye” by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman playing]
[squeaking]
[squeaking]
[officer 2] What the…
Bellagio these motherfuckers!
[pee hisses]
[officers grunting]
[music swells]
[Bocelli and Brightman singing in Italian]
[pee splashing]
[shoes squeaking]
[glass shatters]
[zapping]
[popping]
[officer 1 grunting]
[grunting] Now what?
Now you be the best human you can be.
[“Time to Say Goodbye” crescendos]
[dog barking]
[song ends]
[barking happily]
[barking]
[dogs barking in the distance]
[Bull laughs]
[squeak]
[all barking]
[steps receding]
[male cat] Ah, you there, dog.
Do you think you could help out a, you know, fellow animal here?
Yeah, uh, not gonna happen. Fucking cats.
[steps receding] Fucking dogs.
[dramatic music playing]
[all barking excitedly]
[tires squealing]
[dogs barking]
[paws squealing] Bull!
What is it, Lucky? We don’t have much time.
I have to find Frankie.
But…
Frankie is my “Honey,” Bull.
Ah shit, pal. That’s all you have to say.
Good luck.
[dramatic music continues] Frankie!
Frankie!
Frankie!
[dramatic music swells and stops]
[echoing] Frankie!
[Frankie] Hungry?
Frankie?
The one and only.
[charming music playing]
[music ends]
[tense music playing]
[Bull] What the…
[music stops]
[melancholy music playing]
[Fetch] Yeah, they’ve been worried sick about you.
Went housetohouse looking for you and everything.
That’s how we knew you left.
They… they love and miss me?
Then why the hell do they wanna cut off my balls?!
It’s sweet and horrific all at the same time.
[upbeat music playing]
[Bull panting]
[man and woman laughing]
[Honey’s owner] Oh, these two are gonna produce a prizewinning litter.
We’re gonna make so much money.
[glasses clink]
[Sterling’s owner] Gosh, I forgot cheese and crackers.
Ooh, I’ll help you. Hold on.
Gotta get loose. [sighs] Yeah.
[bones cracking]
[groans] Don’t wanna pull my hammy when I’m giving you the slambammy.
[groans] Stretch it out.
Ugh. Whatever. Less talking, please.
[Sterling] Yeah.
Like, no talking.
Seriously, Honey, you should consider yourself one lucky bitch.
I’m kind of a topnotch stud. Like, there’s a long waiting list.
Oh, it’s a shame you can’t mate with yourself since you’re so cool and interesting.
[Sterling sighs] What can I say? Everyone wants my DNA.
I shoot gold out of this gun.
I’ve got a glistening coat, symmetrical body structure, healthy gums, powerful gait, and a generally imposing stature.
Every bit the perfect asshole.
Yes, that too.
It’s bleached every other week.
[tinkling] Ugh.
He’s such a douche.
What are you gonna do?
I’m gonna hop this fence and kick the shit out of that fucker!
Woohoo! Go, Bull!
[dramatic music playing]
[music pauses]
[Bull groans]
[music resumes, pauses]
[Bull groans]
[music resumes, pauses]
[Bull groans]
[music resumes, pauses]
[Bull groans]
[fence rattles] I hope that stops soon.
I wouldn’t want it to interfere with the timing of my rhythmic thrusting.
Right. Because if there’s one thing that makes sex great, it’s predictability.
Okay, I’m properly stretched.
Let’s get this on, baby.
[Bull panting, gasping for air] Oh no. They’re starting.
[dramatic music resumes]
[Bull screams] Ooh, this is gonna be the most painful one.
I got this.
[music swells, pauses]
[Bull yelps] Why didn’t you do that the first six times?
Well, I thought he’d make it.
[dramatic music builds]
[birds chirping]
[music ends with dramatic sting]
[suspenseful music playing]
[suspenseful music continues]
[music stops]
[Bull groans]
[Sterling] Oh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Oh yes.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh yes.
Oh! Ah.
Bull.
My queen.
[Bull exclaims] What the hell?
Honey, I’m sorry.
I came to the dog show to tell you… [strained] …something.
Something… [straining] …I should have said a long time ago.
But when I saw you and… [strained] …Sterling up there, I thought I had blown my chance.
[“True” by Spandau Ballet playing] I never should have gone to that freakyass…
[strained] …Humphouse place.
Bull, I…
Uh. I’m sorry.
I have to say it now. [strained] I love you.
Oh, baby.
[song pauses] Oh yeah. Of course you love me.
Who wouldn’t after this jackhammering? [groaning]
[highpitched] What? He’s going faster.
But to be clear, I do not love you.
Sorry, but I pride myself in always being honest.
You’re just one of the many. [groaning] I’ve loved you since we were pups.
[“True” resumes] I loved when you chewed on my ears.
I loved that when it rained, we tried to bite all the raindrops.
I still pee like a girl because the way you did it seemed better.
Oh, Bull, are you crying?
Yeah, and not really sure if they’re tears of joy or pain, or what the heck’s going on.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen after this, but know that I will always and forever love you.
[song ends] Oh, Sterling! [groaning] Oh yeah. [laughing] Oh yes. Oh, Sterling.
[Bull gasps] That was interesting.
You’re very tight, or probably I’m so large.
I hope my girth didn’t hurt much, not that I care.
Okay, bye.
[Sterling’s owner] What a performance. Who wants a cookie?
[Honey’s owner] I think she really enjoyed it.
[melancholy music playing]
[music fading]
[birds singing]
[groaning] I’m not dripping, am I?
That was amazing.
You’re like a hero.
Fuck Lassie. Fuck Beethoven. Even Benji can go fuck himself.
You’re the real deal.
Yeah, that was some inspirational shit.
Well, I’m totally into ass play, but the idea that Sterling’s demon seed is inside of me is completely traumatizing. So I’m gonna go dump him out.
Ow.
[joints cracking] Ow. Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[steps receding]
[girl crying]
[glass squeaking]
[dad] Bull? Oh my God!
[girl gasping]
[girl] Bull, you’re back!
[dad] Come here, Bully Boy.
Oh, holy shit, he smells like ass.
[girl] Oh, my baby.
[groans] Watch the butthole, people, please.
[joyful music playing]
[music fading]
[snoring]
[gasps]
[crickets chirping] Uh, Honey?
[Bull groaning]
[continues groaning]
[gasps]
[“Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul playing] Honey, I…
Quiet. It’s my turn to talk.
What you did, I just… I just wanna say thank you.
And I wanna tell you, I love you too.
Ever since we were pups. Just like you said.
No way.
Yes, you idiot.
Why do you think I was always waiting at the fence for you to wake up?
I loved how you smelled your first pee spot for 15 minutes each morning, checking the same area over and over again.
I love that you failed obedience school and that you sleep on your back spreadeagle and that you were always waiting for me when I got home.
[“Me and Mrs. Jones” continues] But I’m a… I’m a mutt. You’re perfect.
Well, perfection has its flaws.
I’m over it.
What about your lineage?
Oh, fuck lineage. The world has enough Sterlings, right?
Yeah, but you should know I’m about to lose my one good asset.
Uh.
Yeah, trust me, no one is gonna miss those.
Really?
Really.
You are you in spite of those, not because of them.
[laughs] Wish you could’ve told me that earlier.
We could’ve avoided this whole night.
Well, I’m glad I didn’t, because then we might not have ended up together.
You are one of a kind, Bull.
And I love you for it.
And you know, I’m still in heat.
[“Me And Mrs. Jones” continues]
♪ Me and Mrs., Mrs. Jones ♪
♪ Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones ♪
♪ We got a thing going on ♪
[song fades]
[“Lovely Day” by Bill Withers playing]
♪ When I wake up in the mornin’, love ♪
♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪
[engine starting]
♪ And somethin’ without warnin’, love ♪
♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪
♪ Then I look at you ♪
♪ And the world’s all right with me ♪
♪ Just one look at you ♪
♪ And I know it’s gonna be ♪
[Bull, Ol’ Spice, and Napoleon laughing]
♪ A lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
[both chuckling]
♪ A lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Then I look at you ♪
[train horn blaring]
♪ And the world’s all right with me ♪
[steam hissing]
♪ Just one look at you ♪
♪ And I know it’s gonna be ♪
[train horn blaring]
♪ A lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪
♪ A lovely day ♪
♪ Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day… ♪
[song fades]
[upbeat music playing]
[giggling] ‘Sup, dog?
What’s up? Looking good.
Hey, thanks.
Wow. So fit, Bull.
Thanks, pup.
Ooh, looking good, Bull.
My man!
What’s up, Bull?
Hey, Bull!
What’s good, y’all?
[music stops] Hey, cowboy.
Howdy, partner.
How’s it feeling?
Well, you know, okay, I guess.
But sometimes I get these phantom feelings, like they’re still there, and then there’s the nightmares.
They come haunt me like some crazyass testicle ghosts.
[spookily] “Why did you kill us, Bull?”
“What did we ever do to you? Why?”
Ooh, that’s super scary.
I used to dream that my balls became clowns and performed at children’s parties.
[puppies barking] Whoa!
[crashing]
[happy music playing]
[Lucky] Hi, Honey.
Hi.
All right, doll?
Hey, fellas.
[chuckling] All those pups.
Listen, some of you might not get the teat, all right?
But that’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less of a dog.
Ugh, this mom thing is a bitch.
I can’t get a night’s rest without someone sucking on my nipples.
[puppies barking] I just… I…
[music stops] I can’t figure it out.
There’s… there’s no way those could be mine.
Maybe it’s something I ate that day.
[Sterling’s owner] Hey there, champ. We’ve got a big surprise for you.
We filled the toilet with KoolAid.
[dramatic sting] No! What the fuck?
[owner] Come on.
No! No, no, no! Uhuh, no. Oh my God, no!
Karma’s a bitch. [panting] Suck my unobstructed dick, motherfucker!
[upbeat music playing]
[dogs barking]
[puppies barking]
[Honey laughing] Hey, come on, you bougie bitch.
It’s ladies’ night, and we gotta go.
Hey, Bully, do you mind watching the pups?
I wanna go with these crazy bitches and get our freak on.
Uh.
Yeah. Okay, sure.
[Honey] Woohoo!
Wait up, you hairy sluts!
Don’t look so worried, Bull.
[music ends] I mean, how freaky can those girls get, right?
[Bull chuckles] Uh, yeah. You’re right, Fetch.
How freaky can they get?
[“Hot in Herre” by Nelly playing]
♪ So hot in, hot in ♪
[roars]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering, barking]
[crowd cheering, barking continues]
♪ With a little bit a With a little bit a ♪
[music distorts]
[crowd cheering]
♪ It’s gettin’ hot in here ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ I am gettin’ so hot ♪
♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪
♪ Oh! Its gettin’ hot in here ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ I am gettin’ so hot I wanna take my clothes off ♪
[Honey cheering]
♪ Let it hang all out ♪
♪ Give a little bit a ah, ah With a little bit a ah, ah ♪
♪ Let it hang all out ♪
♪ With a little bit a ah, ah And a sprinkle of that ah, ah ♪
♪ Let it just fall out ♪
♪ I like it when ya ah, ah Girl, baby, make it ah, ah ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[song ends]
[both laughing]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
[mellow music playing]
[music ends]
[soft music playing]
[music ends]
[funky music playing]
[music ends]
[romantic music playing]
[music fades]
