Fackham Hall (2025)
Director: Jim O’Hanlon
Writers: Steve Dawson, Andrew Dawson, Tim Inman, Jimmy Carr, Patrick Carr
Release Dates: 7 September 2025 (TIFF); 10 October 2025 (United Kingdom)
Stars: Thomasin McKenzie (Rose Davenport), Ben Radcliffe (Eric Noone / Nathaniel Davenport), Damian Lewis (Humphrey, Lord Davenport), Katherine Waterston (Prudence, Lady Davenport), Emma Laird (Poppy Davenport), Lizzie Hopley (Phyllis Davenport), Tom Felton (Archibald Davenport), Tom Goodman-Hill (Inspector Watt), Anna Maxwell Martin (Mrs Edna McAllister), Sue Johnston (Great Aunt Bonaparte), Jason Done (J. R. R. Tolkien), Tim McMullan (Cyril), Ramon Tikaram (Darvesh Khalid), John Thomson (Bill Bobaggins), Ian Bartholomew (Austin Blaine), Karen Henthorn (Sister Jude), Jimmy Carr (Vicar), Adam Woodward (Bert Chester), Nathan McMullen (Alexander)
Plot: The Davenports have been owners of Fackham Hall for generations, but patriarch Lord Davenport has no surviving male heir. The Davenports’ daughter Poppy is due to marry their cousin, Archibald, which will keep the Hall in the family. Thief and orphan Eric Noone is given a message to bring to Lord Davenport, but when he arrives he is presumed to be an applicant for an open hall boy position and takes the job, forgetting about the letter. At her wedding, Poppy flees the church, declaring her love for a commoner. Lady Davenport pushes her other daughter Rose to marry Archibald, but Rose is repulsed by his chauvinistic manner. She is instead attracted to Eric, who she had previously met after running into him with a car, and the two spend the night together.
In the morning, Lord Davenport is discovered dead. Inspector Watt arrives, and determines that it is likely a member of the assembled wedding guests in the house who committed the crime. Eric is accused after he is discovered to have robbed Lord Davenport’s desk, but he refuses to use Rose as his alibi and shame her. He is arrested and thrown in jail, while Rose reluctantly agrees to marry Archibald to save Fackham Hall.
In jail, Eric rediscovers the letter previously given to him and reads it, learning that he is actually the long-lost child of Lord Davenport’s brother, thus a cousin of the Davenports and the rightful heir to Fackham Hall. He escapes confinement, intending to head to the church to stop Rose’s marriage to Archibald, but is stopped by Mrs. McAllister, Fackham Hall’s housekeeper, who reveals that she framed Eric for the murder. She was having an affair with Lord Davenport, and during an argument about him firing his manservant/illegitimate son and replacing him with Eric, Lord Davenport had accidentally been stabbed, shot, poisoned, and strangled. Inspector Watt overhears the confession and arrests Mrs. McAllister, and Eric reveals his true parentage. Though Archibald attempts to shoot his long-lost brother, he misses and is taken away, and Eric and Rose marry instead.
* * *
Fackham Hall (2025) | Transcript
[mellow music playing]
[woman] 1931. England and the Empire are in the grips of the Great Depression, But the British aristocracy keeps calm and carries on. None more so than the Davenports, lords of Fackham Hall for over 400 years. The sheer grandeur of Fackham Hall was a testament to splendor, and an enduring family legacy. Its hallowed rooms have witnessed so much. Life and death, laughter and tragedy, heartbreak and romance.
[ringing]
But England was a nation divided by class. The belowstair staff obediently served their masters, and prepared sumptuous feasts. Pheasant, caviar, venison. Whatever a guest desired, they would supply it. And whilst this winter would prove particularly bleak, the tireless work of those staff below stairs ensured that Lord and Lady Davenport wanted for nothing. They led a decadent life of unimaginable luxury, and barely had to lift a finger.
[Prudence] So, finally, one of our children is to be wed and shall soon fly the nest. I’m just delighted that our beloved home shall remain in the family.
I’m just delighted that after so many years of courting, she’s finally found the right cousin.
At least Poppy’s got our interests at heart, unlike Rose.
Rose may yet marry.
Oh, come on, Humphrey.
Who’d want old Rose? She’s 23. A driedup husk of a woman. Barren, desiccated. A wizened old walnut of a spinster. Rose, darling, would you pass the milk?
Mama, Archibald is ghastly. It’s unfair to force Poppy so. Why can’t she simply marry for love?
Oh, how can you be so naive, child? Do you think that I married your father out of love? Because I found him attractive? Liked his personality? His micro penis? No, I married him out of duty.
And we couldn’t be happier. But Mama’s right, my darling. This is about the future of Fackham Hall. Of our family. We thought, having produced four sons, that the Davenport line of succession was assured. What cursed luck to lose all four of them. And in four completely separate incidents. I console myself knowing that at least they died doing the thing they loved.
[somber music playing]
[Rose] But does this not make you realize that such an archaic system of succession, that only recognizes male heirs is, pardon my French…
[in French]
Rose, we must be realistic. Your father’s not going to live forever.
[Rose] Come on. Father has the constitution of an ox.
[choking]
[Rose] And so long as we keep a close eye on him, he’ll remain that way.
How can you be so blind to the circumstances? Unless your sister marries Archibald, we will be evicted. Forced to live in Central London.
[Rose] Then I’ll find myself a profession.
[grunting]
A Davenport working for money? Are you trying to send your father to an early grave?
[Rose] All I ever think of is Father’s wellbeing.
Well, you evidently care less for this family than your beautiful sister.
[clattering]
Humphrey! Shield your mouth when coughing.
My sincerest apologies, Prudence.
My lord, ladies. The dressing bell has been rung. Drinks will shortly be served in the drawing room.
Thank you, Cyril.
I do so hope it will be sunny for the wedding. Hey, Cyri.
Mmhm.
What’s the weather tomorrow?
Expect partly cloudy skies in Fackham tomorrow, with a 40 percent chance of snow.
[door closes]
Do you ever worry that Cyri is always listening in to our conversations?
Oh, now, come. Not this again, darling. We’ve already had to get rid of poor old Alexa.
That’s true.
[lighthearted music playing]
[woman] London, birthplace of emphysema, child exploitation, and a charming young pickpocket called Eric.
National ink shortage! Read all about it! National ink shortage!
You there. Here.
National ink shortage!
Blast and botheration!
[Eric] Excuse me, sir. You dropped your wallet.
Ah.
[woman] Eric couldn’t be more different from the Davenports at Fackham Hall. He doesn’t have any land, titles, underwear, or vitamin D. But what he lacks in bone density, he more than makes up for in guile…
Here you go, darling.
…charm.
Thank you.
[man] She’s got my watch!
…and boyish good looks.
Come here I didn’t steal it.
Honest to God, sir, I didn’t.
Eric was amongst the thousands of young boys orphaned after the war.
[Eric] Morning.
With only his quick wits, street smarts, and the watchful eyes of the Sisters of Mercy keeping him from penury.
[Eric] Morning, Sister Jude. What can I be doing for you today?
Nothing for me. But this gentleman wishes to speak with you. And of course, our door is always open to unknown men with an interest in specific children.
Yes. He seems like just the lad for the job. I need a letter delivered here. To the manor house owned by the Davenports. An obscenely rich family of aristocrats.
[Eric] [scoffs] Fuck ’em all.
That’s right. Fackham Hall. The most lavish manor house in all of Shropceistershershire.
[Eric] Well, I’m not doing it for any less than five shillings.
I’ll pay you a pound.
[Eric] Pleasure doing business with you, mister.
[whimsical music playing]
Good luck.
[Sister Jude] Eric. You’re the smartest child we’ve ever had at this orphanage. If only you directed your talents down the righteous path, you could really make something of yourself.
[Eric] “I may do some good before I am dead.” It’s Thomas Hardy.
Here’s another quote for you. “Thou shalt not steal.”
[chuckles]
Ah.
Your watch, sir.
Oh.
And your trousers.
But I’m wearing my trou…
[woman] And so begins Eric’s adventure, as he sets off to deliver that precious letter to Lord Davenport. A chance to change his future. And nothing was going to get in his way.
[Eric] Whoa.
[DJ] Shout out to Rachmaninoff. Big up on themself. New track from Carl Ravell and his orchestra just dropped. Straightup banger. Check it.
[klaxon blares]
[“So Rare” playing on radio]
[humming]
[romantic music playing]
[brakes screech]
[Eric grunts]
[gasps]
[Eric groaning softly]
[grunts]
Oh.
Are you all right?
I’ve never been better.
[chuckles]
Sorry I scratched your car.
Don’t worry about it.
It was like that before.
I’m sorry about your bike.
Don’t worry.
It was like that before.
I don’t know what happened.
I think I was…
[both]
…momentarily distracted.
Yes. I only took my eyes off the road for a second.
I think I was captivated by the sight…
[both] …of an incredibly beautiful woman with the kind of carefree essence that makes a man glad to be alive!
[dreamy music playing]
Well, it was nice to meet you.
Eric.
It’s Rose, actually.
It was lovely to make your acquaintance.
And from now on, I’ll pay more attention to where I’m going.
[groans]
[lighthearted music playing]
Ms. Davenport! Ms. Davenport!
The lord and lady is wondering where you is be, they do.
What did you tell them?
I spared your blushes, m’lady.
Said you were wrestling with a tricky dump.
Oh, thank you, Patricia.
I just needed to clear my head before watching my darling sister, Poppy, marry that odious Archie.
[sighs]
There. Good as new.
[baby crying]
Wonderful to see you, Viscount Wolsey.
[Prudence] So good of you to join us, Lord Lucan.
[Humphrey]
Welcome to our home, Lady Gaga.
Where on earth have you been?
Please don’t say reading or thinking.
As you well know, that’s men’s work.
Humpty!
Ah!
If it isn’t J.R.R. Tolkien, the writer.
Poppy, dear old friend of mine from Oxford, John.
Please. Call me J.R.R. Tolkien, the writer.
[Poppy]
It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Would I know anything you’ve written?
I doubt it.
He’s not had anything published.
Well, not yet.
But I have spent the last 15 years coming up with an alphabet for orcs.
[in Orkish]
What a delightful language.
Remember, Fifi, the Davenports are one of the most eminent families in the whole of England.
So, please, try not to be too American.
Oh, please, honey.
They’ll barely notice.
[whimsical music playing]
Lord Davenport.
[Humphrey] You remember Bert?
Archibald’s best man.
Good to see you.
Thank you for having me.
[Bert chuckles]
[Fifi] What a quaint little cottage.
Oh, my.
Richard, do hurry up.
Gladys, is that really all you can carry?
[woman] As the orphan lad approached, he sensed this must be Fackham Hall. He could tell by its grandeur, presence, and its sign saying “Fackham Hall.”
Excuse me, mister.
Oh.
Ah, you’re here for the position of hall boy. Is that right?
Actually, I just wanted to–
There will be no negotiation.
The wage is four pounds a week.
Take it or leave it.
I’ll take it.
Edna.
I have procured you a new hall boy.
Heaven forfend I get a say in who works for me.
Do let us hope he’s up to it, Cyril.
Hut. Follow me, laddie.
As hall boy, you are the lowestranked member of staff.
Every afternoon, you must polish the silverware.
Silverware is any utensil made of silver.
Then it is dinner. Dinner is a meal partaken in the evening.
After which you must clear the plates from the table.
The table is an item of furniture with a flat top and four legs.
Finally, you must mop the floor.
The floor is the bottom surface of a room.
A room is any space enclosed by a number of walls.
A wall is like a floor that’s sideways.
Do you understand?
Yes, miss. I won’t disappoint you. I promise.
Get out of my sight.
Excuse me, sir.
Who do I speak to about the hall boy job?
I’m afraid that vacancy has been filled.
[lighthearted music playing]
[exhales]
Ms. Davenport.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Darvesh Khaled, your father’s lawyer and old friend.
Oh, yes. From the trenches.
You fought with my father.
No, we were on the same side.
Oh. Oh, Mr. Khaled, may I introduce you to Great Aunt Bonaparte?
A pleasure, ma’am.
Bonaparte.
Are you related to Napoleon?
Yes. He’s my nephew.
Oh.
Mrs. McAllister, I’ve done everything you asked me to.
Really? Already?
Yes, ma’am.
You’ve brought all the wine up from the cellar?
Yes, ma’am.
Taken it to the drawing room?
Yes, ma’am.
And closed the cellar hatch?
[Richard whistling tune]
[clattering]
I’ll do that now, ma’am.
[Richard groans]
Where is Richard?
He’s supposed to be serving the champagne.
You’ll have to do it, and not looking like that.
Get a move on.
You’ve got the castle, the cathedral, the chocolate factory.
I simply don’t understand why anyone would want a new York.
Here’s £10 to stop talking.
Now, I have a business proposal, Mr. Davenport.
I’m expanding my fashion empire, and I need a small piedà terre in England.
How much to buy Fackham Hall?
I’m not sure you could afford it on the wage of a seamstress.
I’ll pay double its value.
And I promise to keep its integrity.
All I’d do is add a jazz bar, a small casino, and 30 stories.
I appreciate that this may be the way you conduct your business in the Americas, but Fackham Hall simply isn’t for sale.
[chuckles]
Well, we’ll see about that.
A word of warning, Mr. Davenport.
I have a habit of getting what I want.
About half the size of a human.
[playful music playing]
Oh.
[indistinct chatter]
Champagne?
Yes, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome the bride and groom to be, Mr. Archibald Davenport and Ms. Poppy Davenport, his fiancée.
And first cousin.
[guests applauding]
My word, Mary, a man.
Oh, Constance.
He’s so good-looking I can barely breathe.
I can’t wait till I marry a man.
It is only then that my life will be of any worth.
Ms. Valentine, have you met the Bechdel Sisters?
[Archibald]
Ladies and gentlemen, it is very rare you find someone so beautiful, someone so intelligent, someone that you would move heaven and earth for.
But after years of searching, Poppy found me.
[Poppy] I just feel so lucky.
I mean, after all, we have so much in common.
For example, our grandparents.
Yes.
Yeah.
Please, enjoy the festivities.
I’m sorry. You may never host a party like this for me.
My dear.
There are many here who believe that marriage validates one’s existence.
I’m not among them.
I’m just so very proud of the intelligent, kind, and elegant young woman you have become.
Deviled egg, ma’am?
[stifled sob]
[dreamy music playing]
Stop gawping and do your job.
[sobbing]
So, wrong side of Mrs. McAllister on day one.
That’s a record.
So, you know your music, sir.
Is that your name?
Eric Noone.
Pronounced “no one,” sir.
So, which bedroom’s yours then?
Oh, I never sleep.
It interferes with my duties.
Here we are.
Your quarters.
You’ll be sharing with Tom, Fred, Harry, Richard, and Alexander.
Jammy bastard. They’ve put you straight in the big room.
[Tolkien] All’s well that ends better, Humpty.
[lighthearted music playing]
Are you bride or groom, sir?
No, I’m a guest.
[vehicle approaching]
Whew!
[groans]
[Richard groaning]
[grunts]
My darling Poppy.
Now, before you embark on this new life, I want to give you something that my mother gave Prudence on our wedding day.
[tender music playing]
[music turns playful]
It’s a necklace box.
Oh, wow.
Oh, Daddy, thank you.
Alexander.
Are you ready?
Mmhm.
[organ playing “Funeral March”]
[plays “Here Comes The Bride”]
[Poppy grunting]
[Humphrey] Oh.
Daddy. [screams] [Humphrey grunts] Oh.
Please be seated.
[“Here Comes The Bride” ends]
[vicar] Welcome, friends and family, and of course, Archibald and Poppy.
Let us pray you never marry.
Let us pray.
You never marry without love.
You never love without God. God is almighty. God is everywhere.
God is touching you all in your private places.
God is touching you all.
In your private places, in your darkest times, God is there shining a light.
And today he’s shining a light for these two arseholes.
And today he’s shining a light for these two.
Our souls are eternally in his debt. Amen.
[all] Amen.
[vicar] Does anyone have a reason why Archibald and Poppy should not be bound together in holy matrimony? Speak now or forever hold your peace. No one? Good.
Stop!
[guests murmuring]
I know a reason why we shouldn’t marry. I don’t love him!
[guests gasp]
I love another. I’m sorry, Archie, but I cannot spend the rest of my life living a lie.
[dramatic music playing]
Lionel.
[guests gasp]
Get up.
Pop… Poppy. Poppy.
Now this is a fucking wedding.
[laughs]
Lionel? Lionel.
[emotional music playing]
I love you. I want us to be together forever. Okay. Okay.
[Poppy] Goodbye!
[exasperated yell]
[Humphrey]
Your attention, please.
[chattering]
Your attention, please.
Shh.
Shh.
[chatter stops] Despite today’s unpleasantness, you must all remain at Fackham Hall.
[Humphrey] To spare Archibald’s blushes, I would appreciate it if from this moment on, nobody mentioned this morning’s… hiccup.
Specifically, the disastrous wedding, Archibald being humiliated at the altar, the enthusiasm with which the bride fled from her jilted fiancé.
And please, no mention of Archibald’s animalistic wailing from the vestry, which we all pretended we couldn’t hear.
[guest coughs]
Thank you, Lord Davenport.
That’s very thoughtful of you.
Please all have a wonderful weekend.
[lighthearted music playing]
[guests chattering]
[Patricia] I knew it about Lionel and Poppy, I does, I did.
Oftens I saw her sneaking back late at night.
Never not said nothing to her ladyship. If she asked, I said Poppy was in the woodshed whittling a dildo.
That’s quite enough tittletattle from you two.
Ms. Rose will take tea in her room.
Yes, Mrs. McAllister, ma’am, m’lady.
[lively music playing]
You? What? Why didn’t you tell me you worked here?
Why didn’t you tell me you lived here?
This is a big house for a chauffeur.
Yes.
I’d rather appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone you saw me driving Father’s car.
Don’t worry. You can trust me.
I’m good with secrets.
To this day, I never told a soul about Sister Mary stealing from the collection plate, or Sister Jude’s sex holidays in Amsterdam, or the time Father Jessop tricked four choir boys into…
It’s good to know I can trust you.
You certainly can, Ms. Rose.
Excuse me for asking.
What is that you’re reading?
This?
It’s a tale of forbidden love.
Ah.
I’d love to borrow that when you’re done with it.
You read?
I forget who coined the phrase, but reading brings us to unknown friends.
That’s Balzac’s.
No, it’s true.
I think it was a French novelist.
Where shall I put your tea?
I’d best take that.
Having a gentleman enter my private quarters would be…
[romantic music playing]
Forbidden?
[Mrs. McAllister] Hall boy.
[Cyril]
Eric. You leave us no choice.
Your employment is terminated.
My lady.
I just wanted to make sure the new hall boy doesn’t get into any trouble as a result of my asking him to bring me my tea.
You asked him?
Yes.
To give Patricia a break.
Well, I’ll leave you to your meeting.
[Rose] Oh.
I meant to ask for some sugar.
[dreamy music playing]
And you don’t have to stand up every time I enter the room.
[playful music playing]
Well, it seems my hand is forced, laddie.
You stay.
For now.
[chuckles]
[Prudence] I truly thought that this would be where I would live out the remainder of my days.
But there’s little we can do.
The law is clear.
Archibald is the rightful heir to Fackham Hall.
Why did it have to be him of all people?
If only George hadn’t died.
Or John.
Or Paul.
Or little Ringo.
Or our eldest nephew.
Humphrey.
I never dare ask Phyllis.
What actually happened to Archibald’s older brother?
Ah, Nathaniel?
Mm.
He went to fight the war at a young age.
To defend the freedoms of this great country.
[Prudence] Hm.
He was just a child.
[high-pitched whistling]
[gunfire]
Officer Davenport. Are you ready to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Give those Jerries hell.
For king and country!
[bugle playing “Charge”]
[soldiers shouting]
I’ve often tried to discover what happened to the poor boy, but to no avail.
And now her surviving son, jilted at the altar by our feral little egg-brained daughter.
Even if Poppy did recant, it seems inconceivable that Archibald’s wounded pride would permit him to marry her now.
What about Rose?
It’s illegal for sisters to marry.
Pity. But what if Rose were to marry Archibald?
An intriguing proposition.
[Prudence] Hmm.
[cutlery clinking loudly]
[scraping]
Archibald? I don’t know if
[loud clinking continues]
[louder]
Archibald? I don’t know if
[loud clinking continues]
[clears throat softly]
[clinking stops]
[in normal voice] Archibald, I don’t know if I mentioned, but Rose is very well-read.
[Archibald scoffs]
That comes as no surprise.
I mean, what else is a woman to do when she is without a husband?
[Archibald laughs] [chuckles] Shit just got real.
[Rose] Now that your honeymoon has been canceled, you shall have more time to read.
Perhaps I could direct you to a tome on manners.
Sick burn, bitch.
[Archibald] Maybe the next time you find yourself in a library, perhaps you could seek out some texts to explain how a lady should behave, hm?
Maybe then you’ll have a better chance of finding a husband.
[stomach churning]
[Rose] Yes. It is unfortunate to have not had a partner.
But is it not more careless to procure one, only to then lose her?
Wasteman just got merked.
Rose, may I speak with you outside?
Rose, darling, do you not see our predicament?
Thanks to your sister’s selfish behavior, if we are to remain in Fackham Hall, another lady in our family must wed Archibald.
No. You can’t.
You’re married to Father.
Darling. I’m talking about you.
Oh.
No! You think I would choose to spend the rest of my life with that pig?
No, I shall not, and I shwill not.
Enough. Mr. Tolkien.
[stomach churns]
The writer.
Indeed.
Being contrary is the main cause of brain degeneration in women.
Ask any male scientist.
From this moment onwards, you must make Archibald fall for you.
For the good of the family.
Rose.
Rose!
So sorry. It’s her time of the month, where she menstruates.
[somber music playing]
[sobs]
[sobbing]
[whistling cheerfully]
I’m so sorry.
[Rose continues sobbing]
Rose? Are you all right?
It’s nothing you need to be burdened with.
Please. It’s no burden at all.
[door creaking] You can tell me anything.
It will stay strictly between us.
Mother wants me to marry Archibald, but I do not love him.
I see.
[sniffles]
[soft music playing]
You prefer to wait for your Heathcliff.
You’ve read Wuthering Heights? Eric, you are a rare creature.
Do you think it foolish of a lady to listen to her heart?
I believe that when the heart aches, that’s when we should listen the most.
[Tolkien breaks wind]
How does anyone know when they’re in love?
[Tolkien breaks wind]
Maybe there’s just something in the air.
[continues breaking wind]
I should go.
[Tolkien continues breaking wind]
[diarrhea sounds]
♪ An invite
To Buckingham Palace ♪
♪ Arrived at my home
In Belgravia ♪
♪ When meeting the king
And meeting the queen ♪
♪ One must be
On one’s best behavior ♪
♪ But I went to the palace
With my willy hanging out ♪
♪ And nobody
Thought to tell me ♪
♪ They were too polite
It was hanging out all night ♪
♪ And no one stopped to tell me
That my pecker was in sight ♪
♪ I had a tiny hunch
When it dangled in the punch ♪
♪ And my johnson
Went all chilly ♪
♪ The Duke of Norwich
He thought it was a sausage ♪
♪ When he had
A little nibble on my willy ♪
♪ Silly ♪
♪ I went to the palace
With my willy hanging out ♪
♪ I don’t think that
His Highness will forget me ♪
♪ The king, he saw my bell ♪
♪ But did the night go swell? ♪
♪ Well, they asked me
To the palace ♪
♪ Next week as well ♪
[guests laughing]
[Humphrey]
And look, there it is. Such wit.
[lighthearted music playing]
Your mother thought it would be prudent if you were to join us for the hunt.
Perhaps Archibald may get to know you better.
Right now, I’d gladly swap places with the pheasant.
I’ve always felt that women do not belong on hunts.
Don’t be so utterly ridiculous.
Ridiculous? It’s science.
Their petticoats get tangled in the undergrowth.
Their perfumes scare the pheasants, and their feminine giggles, they rust the bullets.
[rifles cock] [exclaims] Mr. Khaled, are you okay?
Yes. It’s just… the sound of guns being primed for action.
It takes me back to my time in the trenches.
If you don’t mind my asking, is that how you got your limp?
[explosion]
[somber music playing]
The war is over!
The war is over!
[laughs]
[cheering] The war is over!
War’s over!
War’s over!
[yells]
[bone cracks]
[screaming in pain]
I’d rather not talk about it, Ms. Davenport.
I understand.
Thank you for your service.
[horn blares]
[gunshots]
[bird screeches]
Ha!
Bloody good shot.
[gunshot] Bugger it.
[gunshot]
[animal screeches]
Well done, Father.
[gunshots]
Fuck it.
Not having much luck today, Archibald?
Just familiarizing myself with this new weapon. [chuckles]
[gunshot]
[stag bellows]
[Bert] Bloody good shot, old bean.
Yeah.
[Richard groaning softly]
Sir, shall I take him back to the house and call a doctor?
No, no. Just chop his legs off and roast him for dinner.
[Richard groans] What about Richard, sir?
[Humphrey] Oh, yes. Tragic.
Without a beater, we must curtail the hunt.
[groans] Sad day for us all.
Father, wait.
There’s a fellow back at the house who might be able to step up.
[lively music playing]
[gunshot]
Bugger it.
[groans]
[somber music playing]
Father. No.
[groaning]
[Humphrey] Rose.
You’re the most wonderful daughter a father could ever wish to have.
Tell Poppy I forgive her.
But more importantly, tell your mother that I… I… shall not be attending tea this evening.
I’ll never forgive you for this.
Excuse me, Ms. Davenport.
There’s no blood.
Oh.
[chuckles] Blow me.
[Rose chuckles] Looks like my old pocket watch must have saved my life.
I’m alive.
[all laughing]
Ah!
[Archibald] Well, I have learned a very valuable lesson.
Be careful where you point.
[Rose gasps] [groans]
[sobbing]
[groaning]
[somber music playing]
I can see a light.
[Humphrey coughs]
I can see my sons.
John, Paul, George, Ringo.
Let’s come together.
I wanna hold your hands.
Oh, dear Prudence.
Dear, dear Prudence.
I am the walrus.
His mind’s turned fevered.
[cocks rifle]
Daddy’s coming, boys.
[gasps]
[grunts softly]
[lighthearted music playing]
Ah!
[Rose giggles] My Bloody Mary.
[laughing]
[Humphrey] Of course.
Bloody Mary.
Oh, bad luck, old chap.
Ah, I really thought you’d bagged your first kill.
[Humphrey] Bloody Mary.
Thank you for stepping in to save Father.
Ah, well. [chuckles] Anybody would’ve done the same.
But they didn’t.
Rose.
I wanted to just say sorry for shooting your father in the heart… twice.
I’m usually a much better marksman.
It’s this faulty gun they’ve given me.
It’s wonky barreled.
It doesn’t shoot straight.
Um… May I?
[scoffs]
Be my guest.
As I said.
[playful music playing]
[titters]
Beginner’s luck.
[Humphrey]
Young man, I’ve been reflecting on your swift thinking during this morning’s shoot.
You’re a good sort to have close by, Eric.
How would you like to be my new valet?
It would be an honor, sir.
Excellent.
This calls for a cigar.
Here they are, in my secret cigar and money drawer.
Thank you, sir.
Alexander, pen yourself a letter with news of your demotion.
It’d be my pleasure, sir.
[indistinct chatter]
What do you keep writing in that little book of yours?
Ideas. For my novel.
I’m always listening out for inspiration.
Oh, darling, have you seen my cigar cutter?
In your trousers, my precious.
Wait. Say that again.
Uh…
In your trousers, my precious?
[in Gollum-like rasp] In your trousers.
[door opens]
Rose, I just wanted you to know that I was in the library earlier, and I chanced upon a poem that reminded me of you.
Would you mind if I read it now?
Very well.
[delighted chuckle]
Such a beautiful poem.
Mm.
[Prudence] It appears your Archie is rather smitten with Rose.
It’s nice to see him temporarily distracted from the Grim Reaper’s inevitable grasp.
Indeed.
I’m a lot more fun than you probably first thought, hm?
I’m sure you are.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Uh
[grunts] Cyri?
Mm-hm.
Play dance music.
Playing dance music on the gramophone.
[swing music playing]
Hm?
Dance with me, Rose.
I’d rather not.
Um… [chuckles nervously] Don’t embarrass me.
People are watching.
Let go of me.
Just dance. It’s fun.
Archibald, let go of me.
Ms. Davenport asked you to let go.
[Archibald grunts]
[Cyril] Oof.
[music stops]
[guests murmur]
Mr. Davenport, I apologize that my face interrupted the flight of your hand.
Yes.
And I deeply regret the behavior of my junior colleague.
As you should.
When I inherit this place, I’ll sack the lot of you.
You impertinent morons.
Very good, sir.
Yes.
Eric?
[dramatic music playing]
[Mrs. McAllister] You have put all our jobs at risk.
You are here to serve, and serve alone.
Us lowly downstairs folk must never become romantically entangled with those above stairs.
Mark my words, it never ends well.
If we are to see out our days at Fackham Hall, then Rose must marry Archibald.
And you are obstructing that.
Now, for all our sakes, first thing tomorrow, you must pack up your bags and leave.
[Cyril] To save any upset, I shall simply inform his lordship that you have contracted rabies, found employment elsewhere, died, fallen pregnant, and run away.
Now, go.
[melancholy music playing]
[door closes]
Rose. What are you doing here?
I came to find you.
What did they say?
They fired me. I leave tomorrow.
No. No, they cannot, and they shall not.
They shwill not and they shwell not.
I’ll speak to Father.
Rose. No, it’s fine.
It’s done now.
[chauffeur] Oh, no.
This place isn’t for me anyway.
Fackham Hall?
Yeah, fuck ’em all.
[Rose sighs]
Well…
Well, if this is to be our last night together, let’s go somewhere.
Somewhere we can be ourselves.
Just like when we first met.
I know. Let’s go to a pub.
What about the Dog & Drake?
I’ve driven past it many a time, but never dared go in.
Yeah, why not.
But they’re not really the biggest fans of you Davenports in there.
So, you can’t really go in dressed like that.
[Rose] Then I shall just have to blend in.
[whimsical music playing]
Evening.
Evening.
[door opens]
And stay out.
But I’m the landlord.
After you.
[indistinct chatter]
[chatter stops]
Follow me.
[chatter resumes]
I’ll have two of my usual, please, Karl.
Who’s this?
Don’t you remember me?
My name is, um…
Rose…
Devon…
Port.
Rose Devonport.
Good. ‘Cause for a moment, you looked like one of them Fackham Hall lot.
And we hate those stuckup bastards.
Well, I can assure you, I’m apples and pears not.
Spoken like a true Cockney.
Thanks, Karl.
Ow!
Bullseye.
[grunting]
Come here.
Are all pubs like this?
Oh, no, no. This is a posh one.
Follow me.
Perfect. My lady.
One…
[slurps]
[coughs]
Rose for the lady?
Thank you, but I have a beautiful rose of my very own right here.
[giggles]
Suit yourself, love.
It’s so thrilling being here with you.
No more pretending, no more holding back my feelings.
I can be myself.
Tell me your dreams.
Well, I have this dream where my penis falls off, but I can’t go to the doctor because I’m late for school.
Same.
Really?
[chuckles] Do you have any other dreams?
I dream of one day escaping to the most romantic place on earth.
The city of love.
The city of art.
The city of poets.
Blackpool.
Wow.
Maybe we could go there one day. Together.
Yes.
[plays lively flourish]
Oh, no. It’s a Cockney kneesup.
Join in. You’ll definitely all know the words ’cause we’re all genuine Cockneys here, aren’t we?
[all] Yeah!
Just follow along, you’ll be all right.
[singing]
[patrons cheering]
[clapping in rhythm]
[coughing]
[music stops]
Oh, well, he made it to seven.
To London’s oldest ever chimney sweep.
[all] Yeah!
[continues playing lively flourish]
[singing]
[music and singing stop]
Uh…
Capital city?
[all cheering]
For a minute there, I thought she didn’t know it.
[laughs]
Yeah!
[tender music playing]
You cold?
[woman] But unbeknownst to our starcrossed lovers, life at Fackham Hall was about to take a turn for the worse. Especially for Lord Davenport.
[dramatic music playing]
Humphrey, open a window.
Something smells ghastly in here.
Humphrey.
[screams]
[cat yowls]
[somber music playing]
[elegant music playing]
[knocking on door]
Inspector Robert Watt.
I’m here regarding the murder of Lord Davenport.
I’m afraid you’re too late.
Someone’s already done it.
But come in anyway.
Follow me.
[Watt] Hmm.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
Cyril, who was the last person to see Lord Davenport alive?
The murderer.
Just as I thought.
Now, would you be so kind as to pour me a glass of that whiskey?
Certainly.
Wait. This is poison.
Precisely.
So, Lord Davenport was poisoned.
Not necessarily.
Do you see this?
Yes.
Tiny holes in the lapel.
Whoever did this had access to some form of caustic chemical.
And do you smell that?
[sniffs]
Whew, yes.
An intense sulfurous odor that stings the eyes.
[thud]
My apologies.
That happens when I crouch.
Oh.
Specks of blood.
Hm.
What did you wish to speak to us about, Mr. Khaled?
No, no, no, no.
Please, call me Darvesh.
As you know, Humphrey entrusted his affairs to my legal firm.
He may have been my client, but more than that, he was a dear friend and an honorable soldier.
I just wish I could have been there last night to save his life just as he saved mine in the war.
[poignant music playing]
[soldiers shouting] Incoming!
[gunfire]
[both grunting]
You really should get that mole checked out.
Poppy.
I’m so glad to see you.
[Poppy] Hello, Mother.
Poppy.
Am I welcome here?
Of course you are. Fackham Hall will always be your home.
Fackham Hall is no longer your home.
On the death of the lord, the title and estate passed to the next male heir.
Therefore, Archibald Davenport is now lord of Fackham.
But we’re aristocracy.
Surely laws don’t apply to us.
Is there nothing that can be done?
The only respite I can offer is the title cannot legally pass to Archibald until the investigation into Humphrey’s murder is concluded.
So, if, say, Rose were to marry Archibald before that?
[chuckles]
Then you can all remain here.
[melancholy music playing]
The inspector would like your presence in the drawing room.
What if we haven’t got him a present?
Oh, very well.
[Khaled clears throat]
Poppy, what should I do?
I don’t want our family to be evicted.
But what is a life devoid of love?
My dear Rose.
You know, I too was once blinded by love.
In those early blooms of passion, I didn’t care a jot that Lionel wasn’t an aristocrat, that he had no money, that he didn’t wash.
I didn’t care that he wasn’t handsome or kind, or monogamous, or allowed near schools.
But if I were to have my time again, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have given all of this up for Lionel.
It appears you no longer need to pack, young Eric.
The inspector says no one can leave.
Apparently, we are all suspects now.
[Fifi] I’m sorry, I don’t finance novels.
[Cyril] Well, Lord Davenport shouldn’t be on your list because he’s dead.
But otherwise, everyone’s here.
Thank you, Cyril.
I shall erase him.
Good. [clears throat] My lady, esteemed guests.
This is Inspector Watt.
Well, I don’t know.
Inspector Phillips?
Hole.
WanBissaka.
[Fifi] Esposito.
[Rose] Drew.
[Phyllis] Gadget?
Aragorn.
Spector.
[Cyril] No, no.
His surname is Watt.
I don’t know. Inspector Deck?
Inspector Thoroughly.
Clouseau.
TwoBissaka.
[Fifi] Bush.
[Phyllis] Branagh.
Spectacles.
Treebeard.
[Cyril] No, no, no, no.
His surname is Watt, spelled WATT.
Aha. I see. “Watt” is his name.
Robert.
Robert what?
[Cyril] Exactly.
Then what’s his surname?
Yes.
I’m so sorry, but I still don’t understand.
What don’t you understand?
No, I understand perfectly.
Now…
After examining the evidence, I believe Lord Davenport’s murderer to be somebody in this room.
[all gasp]
What reason would anyone here have for killing my husband?
Maybe they were fed up of waiting to inherit this mansion.
[scoffs]
[Watt]
Or angry at being demoted.
Or humiliated after their attempts to buy the hall were rebuffed.
Or maybe it’s a failed police inspector desperate for a case to solve.
I mean, where was I on the night of the murder?
[Fifi] Exactly.
[Phyllis] Indeed.
Be warned. I shall be watching you all very closely.
And if there’s anything out of the ordinary, anything at all, you can be damn sure I’ll notice it.
[dramatic music playing]
[bell tolling]
[solemn music playing]
[laughing]
Truly a beautiful service.
Oh, thank you.
Although in hindsight, I probably should have attended the funeral.
Truly beautiful ceremony.
It was just as Humphrey wanted.
Never did like the idea of a burial.
Always thought the alternative was somehow more dignified.
Indeed.
[indistinct, intense talking nearby] Excuse me.
You do it, and you do it now.
Emotions running high?
Not at all.
Just a minor disagreement.
Before you jump to conclusions, our discussion was not about Humphrey.
It was about Rose.
Mother is keen for us to marry.
I’d wager your mother can’t wait to move in here and leave your crumbling family home.
Hm. Who told you our house was falling apart?
You just did.
[scoffs] Come on.
If you want a real suspect, try looking into that orphan boy, hm?
He viciously assaulted me last night.
Who’s to say that his violent tendencies ended there?
I’m so sorry.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
It’s so hard.
Thanks. I’ve been working out.
Anyone could see just how proud your father was of you.
May I have a word with you… inside?
[Archibald] Hm?
[suspenseful music playing]
Rose, you are an angel sent in my hour of need.
The first flower of spring.
But more than that, you are the most beautiful Davenport sister currently available.
Archibald.
No, I promise to listen to you.
But, II will never, ever interrupt you.
Please make me the happiest man alive.
Rose, will you marry me?
Mm-hm?
I…
[somber music playing]
I… I…
[Archibald] Rose?
I need time to think about it.
Of course.
I completely understand.
Take as much time as you need.
Now?
Still undecided.
Okay.
Well, you have till Friday.
Otherwise, I will propose to one of the Bechdel sisters.
I don’t care which one.
[dramatic music playing]
A man looked at us.
[melodramatic gasp]
[thud]
[dramatic music continues]
Dear Lord, I pray for your forgiveness.
The woman I love is being made to marry a man she hates. And I felt powerless to stop it. So, I strayed from the righteous path. That money, he didn’t earn it. So, Lord, please forgive me. And I promise that after this, I will never, ever steal again. Amen.
[dramatic music continues]
If you’ve been murdered by a candlestick, dial seven. If you’ve been murdered by a rope…
[soft tapping on window]
What?
[tapping continues]
Rose, you don’t have to marry Archibald.
What do you mean?
I’ve withdrawn my savings.
Let’s run away together.
Let’s start a new life.
In Blackpool.
Blackpool, Clacton, Skegness.
The world is our oyster.
Skegness. That sounds rather nice. Where’s that?
I don’t know.
But we can find out.
Together.
But we have to go now.
[dramatic music playing]
I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Well, it’s happening.
And no one can stop us.
[siren wailing]
What on God’s flat earth is going on?
I received an anonymous tipoff from Mrs. McAllister that these two were absconding with money stolen from Lord Davenport.
Look, Rose had nothing to do with it.
I lied.
I said the money was mine.
[Prudence]
I told you, Cyril, didn’t I?
Oh, yes, yes, you did, yes.
I told you one of the staff would fall for our eldest daughter, find an envelope full of Humphrey’s money in a drawer, steal it, coax Rose out by throwing stones at her window, and attempt to drive away, only to be thwarted by a police investigator who has trouble holding things.
So, you didn’t get everything right.
[Watt breaks wind]
Oh.
So, what else are you hiding, young man?
Nothing. Nothing. I swear.
[Prudence gasps]
[tense music playing]
No. None of this is mine.
Your roommates told me you were home late on the night of Lord Davenport’s murder.
So, where were you, and who were you with?
Well, if he won’t tell you, I will.
That night we were…
Completely separate.
No. No, we were in…
Our nightwear, in our own rooms because it was bedtime.
[Rose] No.
We were together in the pub… liclyheld view that ladies and staff should never mix.
[muttering]
Well, Eric Noone.
In that case, I am arresting you for murder.
And in that case are my toothbrush and pajamas.
[thunder rumbles]
Just tell them you were with me.
I can’t.
Why?
You’re a lady. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
If I damage your reputation, then that life is over.
I’m a no one. No ones go to prison all the time.
[thunder rumbles]
Eric.
I know that one day, we will be together again.
But in those intervening years, as I await that wonderful moment, I swear to you with all my heart, I will arrange for the gardener to have an eye test.
[dramatic music playing]
[Gladys] I don’t get it.
Eric never seemed like the murdering sort.
He wouldn’t have stopped until he’d taken all our jobs.
Aren’t I right, Mom?
I mean, Mrs. McAllister.
[playful music playing]
Sometimes I accidentally call people “Mom.”
Do it all the time.
Don’t I, Mrs. Mom?
Mrs. McAllimom.
Mrs. McAllimommy.
McAllister.
Mrs. McAllister.
[wailing]
Poppy?
[continues wailing]
Poppy, whatever’s the matter?
Lionel left. He said he doesn’t love me anymore.
He probably just said that in the heat of the moment.
He said, “This is not a heat-of-the-moment thing.
I’ve been thinking about this for days.”
Well, just give him some time to calm down.
He said, “I don’t need time to calm down.
I’m actually really calm, and this is the calmest I’ve ever been.”
Well, it’s his loss.
Then he said, “I stole all of your jewelry and I sold it.
So, it’s very much a win for me and your loss.”
[sobbing]
I fear that, as you both inexplicably refuse to wed a member of your own family, we shall all soon be homeless.
[continues sobbing]
Oh, ladies.
I have lived through many difficult times.
Those times have taught me a lot.
So, I can honestly say you are a bunch of whiny cun…
[car horn blares]
Sorry.
[continues sobbing]
[melancholy music playing]
Dearest Eric. My heart is broken. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. The image of you reading this letter alone in your prison cell is something I cannot bear. Every night when I fall asleep, I relive the moment you saved me from ignominy, and I scream. Every morning, I awaken in tears and reach for a handkerchief to give my eyes a dab. I hope that one day you can forgive me for what I’m about to do. I shall accept Archibald’s proposal. These will be the last words you receive from me. All my love, Rose. XOXOXOX.
[sniffs]
[sniffs]
[indistinct chatter]
[Rose clears throat]
Ah, Rose. How did you sleep?
By lying on my bed and closing my eyes.
Oh, right.
Archibald?
Yes.
I have something to say.
Two days ago, you asked me to marry you.
And since that moment, I’ve thought of little else.
This morning, I’ve come to a firm conclusion.
My answer is…
[intriguing, playful music playing]
[gags softly]
[whispers] Yes.
Hm.
She said yes.
[guests cheering]
[Archibald laughs] Huzzah!
[chuckling]
[clattering]
[indistinct shouting]
[cell door slams]
I know that look.
Your heart’s been broken.
I, too, have tasted true love and lost it.
“You shouldn’t be together,” they said.
“You’re from two different worlds.”
So, we ran away.
But we got caught.
It’s like we’ve lived the same lives.
Here.
This is Mildred.
Isn’t she beautiful?
Mm.
Do you have a photo of your love?
Um…
I nicked one before I left.
I was meant to give this to Lord Davenport.
Well, open it.
What are they gonna do?
Lock you up? [chuckles] “Yours sincerely, Austin Blaine.”
What could it mean?
Try the other side.
[Eric] Ah.
“Dear Lord Davenport.
Years ago, you tasked me with investigating what happened to your nephew, Nathaniel, in the war.
After months of backbreaking work and ingenious sleuthing on my part, I finally managed to unearth Nathaniel’s army records, and discovered that on returning from service, he was mistaken for a war orphan and raised by nuns.
[pensive music playing]
“With no clue as to his real identity, the sisters renamed him. Nevertheless, I tracked him down. Nathaniel Davenport, eldest son of your deceased brother, William, now goes by the name of Eric Noone.
The very boy delivering this letter to you.
Dope reveal, right? The dope reveal will cost you an extra farthing. Yours sincerely, Austin Blaine.”
Blimey. I can’t believe it.
I’m only sharing a cell with the aristocracy.
What difference does it make now?
I’m stuck here in this prison, and the love of my life is about to marry Archibald.
Yeah. Your brother.
What?
Your brother.
If you’re Lord Davenport’s long-lost nephew, that makes you Archibald’s older brother.
Which means…?
I’m the rightful heir to Fackham Hall.
You had sex with your cousin.
Guard. I’m the rightful heir to Fackham Hall.
Really? That’s amazing. Then I’ll let you out immediately.
You will?
Of course I fucking won’t.
[playful music playing]
[man whistling tune]
I can’t let Rose ruin her life by marrying that horrible bastard.
I’ve got to get out of here.
Well, you could always tunnel out.
If only you had something to dig with.
Oi…
[dramatic music playing]
[both chuckling]
[laughing]
Yes.
[dramatic music continues]
[laughs]
[bells ringing joyfully]
I hope Rose isn’t going to disappoint us like Poppy did.
She won’t.
Well, you say that.
But my William married me and then he died.
Just as Humphrey married you and died.
And one day, Rose will die.
We’re just particles heading towards a cold, dark entropy.
But it’s a lovely day for it.
[lighthearted music playing]
Fellas. I’ve brought a cake to celebrate 30 years without any escapes.
[creaking]
[Eric groans]
All right?
[lighthearted music continues]
[groans]
[both grunting]
[officer] Oi.
[Eric grunts] Nice try, son.
Let’s get you back to your cell, eh?
[grunts]
In here, pass them through.
Here, ‘gis it.
[lighthearted music continues]
Hang on.
I know you.
You’re that lad from the pub with the bird who’s definitely a Cockney.
What are you doing in here?
They think I murdered Lord Davenport that night.
No, impossible. You was with me.
Go on. Quick.
[lighthearted music continues]
He went that way.
[organ playing hymn]
♪ War and death and poverty ♪
♪ Measles, violent brawls ♪
♪ Cancer and dictatorships ♪
♪ The Lord God made them all ♪
[hymn ends]
You may be seated.
God is with you all, and Jesus is gay.
God is with you all, and Jesus is.
Gay as we are on this joyous day, we must take a moment to offer thanks.
Clergymen such as myself are given a power.
And that power is to prey on children.
And that power is to pray.
On children, God bestows a future.
On man, God bestows wisdom, for God is strong and mighty, and made us all hard.
And made us all.
Hard as life may be, he is there to show the way.
[dramatic music playing]
Somebody stop that fugitive.
I’m innocent. And now I know the truth.
The truth? But how?
I’m going to the church. I’m gonna tell them everything.
Stop. Stop.
What’s up, darling?
[man grunts]
Helmet.
[revving]
[dramatic music continues]
[motorbike approaching]
[Mrs. McAllister] Get back here.
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Hey!
Move.
[both grunting]
[salesman] Trampolines.
Get your trampolines.
Crash mats. Get your crash mats.
[onlooker] Didn’t think he was gonna make that.
[man groans]
[Mrs. McAllister groans]
[seller] Crushed my clementines.
[vicar] Does anyone have a reason why Archibald and Rose should…
[dramatic music continues]
Move.
[man groans]
[grunts]
In sickness and in health.
[vicar] Until death do us part.
[Archibald] Until death do us part.
[vicar] Now, Rose, repeat after me.
Now, Rose, repeat after me.
[vicar] I, Rose Davenport.
I, Rose Davenport.
I, Rose Davenport.
Hello.
Why are you doing this?
I can’t have you telling everyone I killed Humphrey.
What? What?
Humphrey and I kept our secret this long, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you tell all of them about our affair. Or what I did to him.
What you did to him?
It was an accident. Just another one of our wee tiffs.
[Mrs. McAllister] That boy Eric is ruining all of our lives. First, he injures Richard and steals his duties. And then you give him Alexander’s job. It’s not fair on the boys, Humph. [loudly] They are our sons!
Keep your damn voice down.
[in normal voice] That’s all you want from me, isn’t it? To keep quiet and carry on. Get rid of him. Or I’ll tell everyone about our affair.
Edna. My darling. Come now.
No.
Be sensible.
No.
[groaning] [whimpers] Humphrey?
[gasps] [groaning]
Oh, my God.
Don’t… Don’t touch it.
I’ll call for help.
What? No time.
Shoot it out.
Yes, yes.
[grunts]
[dramatic music playing]
It didn’t work.
It’s okay.
We just need to get the bullets out. Grab that acid. We can dissolve them. Wait, wait. I just need to steady my nerve. [grunts] Ah! Okay. Do it.
[acid sizzling]
[screams] It’s burning.
You’re still bleeding.
Quick. You’ve got to stop the blood leaving my brain. Use your belt as a tourniquet on my neck.
[Humphrey groaning]
[choking]
[grunts] It’s not working.
[yelling]
[both yelling]
[owl hoots]
[dramatic music playing]
[sobbing]
That’s when I decided to frame you. Nobody cares if a wee orphan boy ends up in jail.
Or dead.
Watt?
I’m not gonna say all again.
No. Inspector Watt. Did you hear that?
I certainly did. Madam, you are under arrest. For manslaughter.
[handcuffs clatter] Ah.
In sickness and in health.
[vicar] Until death do us part.
Until death do us part.
Stop the wedding.
[guest gasp]
[vicar] What the fuck is going on?
What the fuck is going on?
What the fuck is going on? Eric?
You don’t have to marry Archibald.
Get this murderous scum out of here.
He’s not the murderer.
[guests gasp]
It was Mrs. McAllister.
[guests gasp]
And Archibald is not the rightful heir to Fackham Hall.
What?
I have a letter here that explains everything. Mom. It’s me. Nathaniel.
[guests gasp]
My son. You’re alive.
So, does that mean…?
That we can be together. And you and your family can live in Fackham Hall for the rest of your lives.
Well, I’ve always rather liked being the only child.
No.
[gunshot]
[guests clamoring]
You truly are a terrible shot.
Well, I…
You’re nicked.
What?
It’s Inspector Watt to you.
Get your dirty hands off me.
Would it be possible to pick up where we left off? Except with this gentleman?
[vicar] Yes. Yes, well, where were we?
Let go of me, I say.
[vicar] Rose Davenport, do you take Eric Noone, AKA Nathaniel Davenport, to be your husband?
I do.
[vicar] And do you, Eric Noone, AKA Nathaniel Davenport, take Rose Davenport to be your wife?
I do.
[vicar] Well, then, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the choirboys.
[soft lighthearted music playing]
[vicar] You may kiss. The choirboys will now sing Ave Maria.
Fackham Hall is saved. Bravo.
[both chuckle]
I don’t think we’ve met. J.R.R. Tolkien, the writer.
Oh. Bill. Bill Bobaggins.
What a wonderful name. Bilbo Baggins.
And this is the donkey I’m fucking.
Well, I’ve written it down now.
[woman] Love. It can transcend boundaries. There is nothing more powerful. Other than, in this case, birthright. You may wonder how I was privy to so much of what took place in Fackham Hall…
Move a little to your right.
…that fateful week.
Excellent.
That, dear friends, is because I was there.
Three, two, one…
Fackham Hall.
And who am I? I’m no one. Rose Davenport Noone.
[all] Fackham Hall.
[Rose] And this…
[all gasp]
…is my story.
[lively music playing]
[lively music continues]
[lighthearted music playing]
[music fades out]
[somber music playing]
[music fades out]
[elegant music playing]
[pensive music playing]
[delicate music playing]
[lively music playing]
[music ends]
