Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Director: Michel Gondry
Screenplay: Charlie Kaufman
Story by: Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry, Pierre Bismuth
Release Date: March 19, 2004 (United States)
Stars: Jim Carrey (Joel Barish), Kate Winslet (Clementine Kruczynski), Kirsten Dunst (Mary Svevo), Mark Ruffalo (Stan Fink), Elijah Wood (Patrick Wertz), Tom Wilkinson (Dr. Howard Mierzwiak), Jane Adams (Carrie Eakin), David Cross (Rob Eakin), Deirdre O’Connell (Hollis Mierzwiak), Debbon Ayer (Mrs. Barish), Thomas Jay Ryan (Frank)
Plot: Clementine entered Joel’s apartment at 3 am, she was drunk and had wrecked Joel’s car. Joel calls Clementine an alcoholic. Clementine says that Joel is only angry as she had fun without him, and now he wonders whether Clementine had sex with anyone. Clementine storms out when Joel says that she uses sex to get people to like her. Few days ago, Joel and Clementine were at the flea market when Clementine says that she wanted to have a baby, but Joel said that they were not ready. They had a fight when Joel said he didn’t think Clementine would make a good mother. After this fight, Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) (A bookish introvert) discovers that his girlfriend Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet) (A spontaneous extrovert) has had her memories of him erased by the New York City firm Lacuna.
It was 3 days before valentine’s day and Joel had gone to visit Clementine at the bookstore where she worked (to give her a Valentine’s Day present), and she had no memory of him, and was dating another guy. Joel goes to his friends Carrie Eakin (Jane Adams) & Rob Eakin (David Cross), and there he finds a card from Lacuna Inc stating that Clementine has had the procedure to erase Joel from her memories and that they should refrain Joel from trying to contact her ever again. Joel is distraught and frustrated to learn that Clementine chooses to erase Joel from her life.
Heartbroken, he decides to undergo the same procedure. Joel visits Lacuna and meets the doctor and owner Howard (Tom Wilkinson) and fixes an appointment for the day before Valentine. Howard refuses to talk about Clementine but says that she was deeply unhappy. In preparation, he records a tape for Lacuna (and also collects everything associated to Clementine in his life), recounting his memories of their volatile relationship. Howard’s technician Stan (Mark Ruffalo) uses the objects associated to Clementine to make a map of Howard’s memory in his brain. Technically the procedure is brain damage, but Howard says that it is on par with a night of heavy drinking.
In flashback, it is shown that they had met on a day when Joel was in Montauk with his girlfriend Naomi. Naomi and Joel were invited to a party on beach, but Naomi could not go. The beach was freezing in February. Clementine was chatty, while Joel was shy and awkward. Joel was attracted to the orange sweatshirt that Clementine was wearing. She was vivacious and decided to spend the night in an empty house right on the beach. She invited Joel in, but he left. Later they meet in the city, and they start dating.
The Lacuna employees Stan and Patrick (who enter Joel’s apartment by stealth, while he is asleep) work on Joel’s brain as he sleeps in his apartment so that he will wake up with no memory of the procedure. When Joel had got home that evening, he had received a package from Lacuna, that gave him precise instructions to prepare for the procedure, including PJs to wear and a sleeping pill so that he doesn’t wake up unexpectedly. So, Joel knew that the technicians would be coming.
Stan and Patrick make fun of Joel and his feelings for Clementine. One employee, Patrick (Elijah Wood), leaves to see Clementine; since her procedure, he has been using Joel’s and Clementine’s memories as a guide for seducing her. Patrick fell in love with Clementine on the night of her procedure and even stole her panties. He leaves Joel’s house in the middle of the procedure to meet Clementine (whom he calls tangerine due to her hair color), when Mary arrives to meet Stan at Joel’s apartment. Patrick gives Joel’s valentine gift to Clementine as a gift from himself. Mary, the receptionist for Lacuna who, while dating Stan Fink, has a crush on Howard Mierzwiak. While the procedure runs on Joel’s brain, technician Stan (Mark Ruffalo) and Mary (Kirsten Dunst) party and have sex, right on the bed where Joel is sleeping and having his memories erased.
Joel re-experiences his memories of Clementine as they are erased, starting with their last fight. Stan is not happy as he is not getting as clean a map as he would have liked. While Stan and Patrick argue, Joel can hear their comments during his reliving of his own memories in his subconscious brain. As Joe reaches earlier, happier memories, he realizes that he does not want to forget her. His mental projection of Clementine suggests that Joel hid her in memories that do not involve her. This halts the procedure, but Stan calls the Lacuna boss, Howard (Tom Wilkinson), who arrives and restarts it. Joel comes to his last remaining memory of Clementine: the day they first met, on a beach in Montauk. As the memory crumbles around them, Clementine tells Joel to meet her in Montauk.
In Joel’s apartment, while Stan is outside, Mary tells Howard she is in love with him, and they kiss. Howard’s wife Hollis (Deirdre O’Connell) arrives, and, from the street, sees them through the window. Furious, she tells Howard to tell Mary the truth: that Mary and Howard previously had an affair, and that Mary had her memories erased. Disgusted, Mary steals the Lacuna records and mails them to the patients, including Joel and Clementine.
Joel wakes up, his memories of Clementine erased. He goes to Montauk on impulse, by skipping work that day (it was Valentine’s Day 2004). Once again, the beach is freezing as it is February and Joel makes an entry in his diary. Joel sees Clementine in her Orange sweatshirt on the beach and then at a local diner but doesn’t talk to her. He meets Clementine again on the train home. They both have the feeling that they have met each other previously.
They are drawn to each other. Joel offers Clementine a lift after they reach Boston. They spend time at Clementine’s apartment before Joel goes home, but he calls Clementine right after he gets home. The same night, they go on a date to the frozen Charles River in Boston. Joel drives Clementine home and Patrick sees them, realizing they have found each other again. Joel and Clementine receive their Lacuna records and listen to their tapes. They are shocked by the bitter memories they had of each other but agree to try again.
* * *
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) | Transcript
(CAR DOOR SHUTTING)
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
(CAR DRIVING AWAY)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA)
JOEL: “Random thoughts for Valentine’s Day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting-card companies to make people feel like crap. I ditched work today. Took a train out to Montauk.”
(BELL RINGING)
JOEL: “I don’t know why. I’m not an impulsive person. I guess I just woke up in a funk this morning. I gotta get my car fixed.”
JOEL: Hi, Cindy. It’s Joel. Listen, I don’t feel very well today. No, food poisoning, I think.
JOEL: “It’s goddamn freezing on this beach. Montauk in February. Brilliant, Joel. Pages ripped out. Don’t remember doing that. It appears this is my first entry in two years. Sand is overrated. It’s just tiny little rocks. If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, since I’m incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don’t know. Maybe I should get back together with Naomi. She was nice. Nice is good. She loved me. … Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?”
CLEMENTINE: Hi.
JOEL: I’m sorry?
CLEMENTINE: I just said hi.
JOEL: Hi, hello.
CLEMENTINE: Okay if I sit closer? How far are you going?
JOEL: Rockville Center.
CLEMENTINE: Get out. Me, too.
JOEL: Really?
CLEMENTINE: What are the odds? Listen, do I know you? Do you ever shop at Barnes and Noble?
JOEL: Sure.
CLEMENTINE: That’s it!
JOEL: Yeah?
CLEMENTINE: I’ve seen you, man. Book slave there for five years now. Jesus!
JOEL: I would have thought I would remember you.
CLEMENTINE: It might be the hair.
JOEL: What might?
CLEMENTINE: It changes a lot, the color. That’s why you might not recognize me. It’s called Blue Ruin.
JOEL: Right.
CLEMENTINE: The color. Snappy name, huh?
JOEL: I like it.
CLEMENTINE: This company makes a whole line of colors with equally snappy names. You’ve got Red Menace, Yellow Fever, Green Revolution. That would be a job, coming up with those names.
JOEL: You think there could possibly be a job like that? I mean, how many hair colors could there be? 15 maybe?
CLEMENTINE: Someone’s got that job. Agent Orange. I came up with that one. I apply my personality in a paste.
JOEL: I doubt that very much.
CLEMENTINE: Well, you don’t know me, so you don’t know, do you?
JOEL: I’m sorry. I was just trying to be nice.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah. I got it. … My name’s Clementine, by the way.
JOEL: I’m Joel.
CLEMENTINE: Hi, Joel. No jokes about my name. Oh, no. You wouldn’t do that. You’re trying to be nice.
JOEL: I don’t know any jokes about your name.
CLEMENTINE: Huckleberry Hound.
JOEL: I don’t know what that means.
CLEMENTINE: Huckleberry Hound? What are you, nuts?
JOEL: It’s been suggested.
CLEMENTINE: Oh, my darling, oh, my darling
Oh, my darling Clementine
You are lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine
CLEMENTINE: No?
JOEL: (CHUCKLING) I’m sorry. It’s a pretty name, though. It really is nice. It means merciful, right? Clemency?
CLEMENTINE: Although it hardly fits. I’m a vindictive little bitch, truth be told.
JOEL: I wouldn’t think that about you.
CLEMENTINE: Why wouldn’t you think that about me?
JOEL: I don’t know. (STUTTERING) You seem nice.
CLEMENTINE: Now I’m nice? Oh, God, don’t you know any other adjectives? I don’t need nice. I don’t need myself to be it and I don’t need anybody to be it at me.
JOEL: Okay.
CLEMENTINE: It’s Joel, right?
JOEL: Yes.
CLEMENTINE: I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m a little out of sorts today. My embarrassing admission is I really like that you’re nice right now. I can’t tell from one moment to the next what I’m going to like, but right now I’m glad you are.
JOEL: I have some stuff that I probably should… I’m writing…
CLEMENTINE: I’m sorry. Okay.
JOEL: No.
CLEMENTINE: Sure. That’s okay.
JOEL: (EXCLAIMS)
CLEMENTINE: Take care, then.
JOEL: Jesus.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
JOEL: I could give you a ride if you need. It’s cold.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah ! Okay. It is frosty.
CLEMENTINE: You’re not a stalker or anything, right?
JOEL: I’m not a stalker. You’re the one that talked to me, remember?
CLEMENTINE: That is the oldest trick in the stalker book.
JOEL: Really? There’s a stalker book? I’ve got to read that one.
CLEMENTINE: Look, I’m sorry if I came off sort of nutso. I’m not really.
JOEL: That’s okay. I didn’t think you were.
CLEMENTINE: Do you want to have a drink? I have lots of drinks, and I could… Never mind. Sorry, that was stupid. I’m embarrassed now. Good night, Joel.
(BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
CLEMENTINE: Two Blue Ruins.
JOEL: Thank you.
CLEMENTINE: Drink up, young man. It’ll make the whole seduction part less repugnant. I’m just kidding ! Come on.
CLEMENTINE: You’re kind of closemouthed, aren’t you?
JOEL: I’m sorry. You know, my life isn’t that interesting. I go to work, I come home. I don’t know what to say. You should read my journal. I mean, it’s just blank.
CLEMENTINE: Really? Does that make you sad or anxious? I’m always anxious, thinking I’m not living my life to the fullest. Taking advantage of every possibility and making sure I’m not wasting one second of the little time I have.
JOEL: I think about that.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah? … You’re really nice. God, I have to stop saying that. I’m gonna marry you. I know it.
JOEL: Okay.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, you should come up to the Charles with me sometime. It gets frozen this time of year.
JOEL: That sounds scary.
CLEMENTINE: Exactly. I’ll pack a picnic, a night picnic. Night picnics are different.
JOEL: That sounds good. But I should go now.
CLEMENTINE: You should stay.
JOEL: No, I really have… I have to get up so early and…
CLEMENTINE: I would like you to call me. Would you do that? I’d like it.
JOEL: Yes.
CLEMENTINE: Wish me a happy Valentine’s Day when you call. That’d be nice.
(PHONE RINGING)
CLEMENTINE: What took you so long?
JOEL: I just walked in.
CLEMENTINE: You miss me?
JOEL: Oddly enough, I do.
CLEMENTINE: (LAUGHS) You said “I do. ” I guess that means we’re married.
JOEL: I guess so.
CLEMENTINE: Tomorrow night? Honeymoon on ice?
CLEMENTINE: It’s really solid this time of year.
JOEL: I don’t know.
CLEMENTINE: Come on.
JOEL: It’s so beautiful.
CLEMENTINE: Isn’t it?
JOEL: Don’t go too far.
CLEMENTINE: (EXCLAIMS)
JOEL: Are you okay?
CLEMENTINE: (EXCLAIMS) Oh, my ass!
JOEL: I think I should go back.
CLEMENTINE: Come on!
JOEL: But what if it breaks?
CLEMENTINE: “What if?” Do you really care right now? Come here, please. Slidey-slidey.
JOEL: This looks good.
CLEMENTINE: Let me show you this one thing.
JOEL: What are you doing?
CLEMENTINE: Come on.
JOEL: Think I heard a crack.
CLEMENTINE: It’s not going to crack. Or break. It’s so thick. Show me which constellations you know.
JOEL: I don’t know any.
CLEMENTINE: Show me which ones you know.
JOEL: Okay. There’s Osidius.
CLEMENTINE: Where?
JOEL: Right there. See? A sort of a swoop and a cross. Osidius the Emphatic.
CLEMENTINE: (CHUCKLES) You’re full of shit, right?
JOEL: No. Osidius, right there. Swoop and a cross.
CLEMENTINE: Shut the fuck up!
JOEL: Cockadoodledoo. Sorry to wake you, but we’re here.
CLEMENTINE: Can I come over to your house, to sleep? I’m so tired.
JOEL: Okay. Yeah, sure.
CLEMENTINE: Let me get my toothbrush.
JOEL: Yes?
PATRICK: Can I help you?
JOEL: What do you mean?
PATRICK: Can I help you with something?
JOEL: No.
PATRICK: What are you doing here?
JOEL: I’m not really sure what you’re asking me.
PATRICK: Thanks.
(“EVERYBODY’S GOT TO LEARN SOMETIME” PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
STAN: We’re looking for 159.
PATRICK: What number is that?
I don’t know what number that is.
PATRICK: Jesus Christ. You’d think they’d light the number or at least put a number on…
Is that him?
PATRICK: I think so. Yeah, that’s him. That’s him.
(LAUGHING)
FRANK: Hey, Joel.
JOEL: Frank.
FRANK: Shit. Jesus. The only Valentine’s Day cards I get are from my mother. How pathetic is that? You’re lucky you have Clementine. She is way cool. You got any big Valentine’s Day plans with her?
JOEL: No.
FRANK: It’s only a day away. Better make some reservations or something. Don’t want to end up at Mickey D’s, right? McRomance! You want some fries with that shake?
JOEL: I have to go to sleep now, Frank.
FRANK: It’s 8:30.
(PATRICK SINGING)
STAN: Patrick, stop it.
JOEL: Okay.
PATRICK: Showtime at the Apollo.
Quiet.
STAN: Get it off your head.
FRANK: Hey, Joel. What’s up?
Hi, Frank.
I only get Valentine’s Day cards from my mom. How pathetic is that? You’re lucky you have Clementine, Joel. You got any big Valentine’s Day plans with her?
JOEL: No.
It’s only a day away. Better make a reservation somewhere. Don’t want to end up at Mickey D’s.
Oh, no.
JOEL: Yes. Valentine’s Day is three days away. I want it resolved. I’m willing to be the one to resolve it. So I call her, and she’s changed her number.
JOEL: So I walked over to Antic Attic to get her something. I thought I’d go over to work, give her an early Valentine. And you won’t believe it. She’s there with this guy, this really young guy. And she looks at me like she doesn’t even know who I am.
Excuse me? Can I help you find something, sir?
PATRICK: Hey, Clemato.
Patrick! Baby boy!
What are you doing here, baby?
Just came to surprise you.
Let me know if you need something, sir.
How are you?
Pretty good, pretty bored, pretty tired.
I so want what’s in your suit. Good.
JOEL: Why would she do that to me?
(PANTING)
ROB: Does anybody want a joint?
God, Rob, give it a rest.
JOEL: God, she’s punishing me.
I know.
JOEL: For being honest.
It’s horrible.
JOEL: I should just go to her house.
ROB: No. You don’t want to go there, man. Get off me. It’s too…
JOEL: Right. Yeah. I don’t want to seem desperate.
CARRIE: Joel, why don’t you just see this as a sign? Make a clean break. Right?
(JOEL GROANING)
ROB: All right, Joel. Look, man, seriously, here’s the deal.
CARRIE: Don’t do that. Rob, what are you doing?
ROB: What’s your fucking suggestion? What’s your brilliant, reasoned solution?
CARRIE: You’re making this about our shit now? This isn’t about us.
ROB: I agree. It’s not about us. It’s about Joel, who’s an adult, okay? Not Mama Carrie’s kid.
CARRIE: Why don’t you go do your laundry?
ROB: That’s great. That’s good.
[Joel holds a card with the following note, printed on cheap paper:
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Eakin
Clementine Kruczynski has had Joel Barish
erased from her memory. Please never
mention their relationship to her again.
Thank You.
LACUNA INC
Lacuna gives these typed cards to clients after a memory-erasure procedure]
JOEL: Okay. What is it?
ROB: I don’t know. It’s some place that does a thing.
MARY: Good morning. Lacuna. No, I’m sorry. That offer expired after the New Year. Yeah, sure. We can fit you in… How about on the 5th? That’s a Wednesday. All right, great. Could you spell that, please? Okay, and we’ll need a daytime phone number. Great. Have a nice day. See you then.
MARY: May I help you?
JOEL: I’m Joel Barish.
MARY: Excuse me?
JOEL: I’m Joel Barish. I have an appointment with Doctor…
MARY: Mierzwiak. Here, can you please fill this out?
JOEL: I just want to talk to him.
MARY: You still need to fill the form out, sir.
JOEL: All right.
MARY: Thank you.
JOEL: I don’t have a pen.
MARY: There’s a pen right there.
(PHONE RINGS)
MARY: Good morning. Lacuna. Yeah, that offer, that’s done now. That expired after the New Year.
Mr. Barish? How are we today?
JOEL: Not too good, actually.
MARY: Oh, my God ! Stan!
Sorry, I was just…
MARY: I’m working.
Here, Doctor.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Thank you.
DR. MIERZWIAK: You should not have seen this. I apologize.
JOEL: This is a hoax, right? I mean, this is Clem’s…
DR. MIERZWIAK: I assure you, no.
MARY: No.
JOEL: There’s no such thing as this.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Look, our files are confidential, Mr. Barish, so I can’t show you evidence. Suffice it to say that Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on.
DR. MIERZWIAK: We provide that possibility.
JOEL: “Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility.” What the hell is that? I’m the nicest guy she ever went out with.
ROB: Fuck!
CARRIE: Rob, give it a rest!
JOEL: It’s okay. It’s all right.
ROB: Carrie, I am making a birdhouse.
CARRIE: What can I say? You know, Clementine’s just like that. She’s impulsive. She decided to erase you almost as a lark.
JOEL: A lark?
JOEL: (CRYING) Why did you do that?
MARY: Don’t. Wait. I’m sorry, Doctor, he just barged right in here.
JOEL: Okay. I want it done.
MARY: I told him pre-Valentine’s Day is our busy time…
DR. MIERZWIAK: That’s okay, Mary.
MARY: But there are people waiting.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Mr. Barish, if you’d like to come inside. Mary, if you’d take care of Mrs. Woo.
MARY: Yes, of course.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Goodbye, Mrs. Woo.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Now, the first thing we need you to do, Mr. Barish, is to go home and collect everything you own that has some association with Clementine. Anything. We’ll use these items to create a map of Clementine in your brain, okay? We’ll need photos, clothing, gifts, books she may have bought you, CDs you may have bought together, journal entries. We want to empty your home, we want to empty your life of Clementine. And after the mapping is done, our technicians will do the erasing in your home tonight. That way, when you awake in the morning, you’ll find yourself in your own bed as if nothing had happened, a new life awaiting you.
MAN: Wake up, buddy!
MARY: I’m sorry, Mrs. Sobel. You can’t have the procedure done three times in one month. It’s just not our policy here.
How are you today, Mr. Barish?
Hello, I’m right here. I know it’s an emergency. We’ll do everything we can. We can fit you in on March 1. Maybe you could talk to the doctor and… All right, so let’s make an appointment. What day would you like to come in this week?
Mr. Barish.
He’s really busy this afternoon. Maybe tomorrow would be better, around 12: 15. Can you do that?
February is very busy for us because of Valentine’s Day.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
This is Stan Fink, one of our most experienced and skilled technicians. He’ll be handling your case tonight.
STAN: Great to meet you, Mr. Barish.
JOEL: My name is Joel Barish, and I’m here to erase Clementine Kruczynski.
Very good. Now tell me about Clementine.
JOEL: I was living with this woman, Naomi, a couple years ago. And my friends, Rob and Carrie, invited us to this party at the beach. I don’t like parties. Naomi couldn’t go, but I went and I met Clementine.
I’m sorry.
We’ll start with your most recent memories and work backwards from there, more or less. There’s an emotional core to each of our memories, and when you eradicate that core, it starts its degradation process. By the time you wake up in the morning, all the memories we’ve targeted will have withered and disappeared. As in a dream upon waking.
JOEL: Is there any risk of brain damage?
Technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage. But it’s on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you’ll miss.
STAN: Comfortable? What we’re doing here, Mr. Barish, is actually creating a map of your brain.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Okay, let’s get started. If we want to get this procedure underway tonight, we have some work to do.
I want you to react to these objects, Mr. Barish, if you will.
JOEL: There’s a good story behind that…
Actually, Mr. Barish, I’ll get a much better emotional readout if you refrain from any sort of verbal description of the items. Just please try to focus on the memories.
JOEL: I’m sorry.
Healthy activity up there again. Healthy readouts.
Very good.
STAN: Here’s another object.
Next item.
Potato head.
Next item.
STAN: Just focus on the memories. Patrick, do me a favor.
STAN: Patrick, do me a favor, will you? Can you check the voltage regulator? What have we got there?
PATRICK: Voltage looks fine.
Really?
I’m not wiping as clean as I like here.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Technically, the procedure is brain damage. But it’s on a par with a night of heavy drinking.
Check the connections, please.
JOEL: There you are. What am I… I don’t understand what I’m looking at. Why am I standing here… Oh, my God, déjá vu. This is so…
We should get started.
If we want to get the procedure underway tonight, we have some work to do.
I’m in my head already, aren’t I?
I suppose so.
This is about right.
This is what it would look like.
Very good.
BOTH: We’ll dispose of these mementos when we’re done here. That way you won’t be confused later by their unexplainable presence in your home.
There we go. Patrick?
Patrick?
Patrick?
Why are there so many wires?
STAN: Because we have a lot of equipment.
Does that help?
Are you sure you set that thing up properly?
PATRICK: How’s that?
How are you today, Mr. Barish?
There we are, Mr. Barish.
STAN: All right, that’s better.
JOEL: I don’t know if I like this.
I think I might try this then.
STAN: We’re almost done now.
Your journal.
That’ll be invaluable.
STAN: “I met someone tonight. I don’t know what to do. “Her name is Clementine and she’s amazing.”
Jesus!
What? Come on, careful ! Step back! Just take it easy.
It’s fine.
Let’s not roach the guy.
All right.
We got that one.
This place is sort of a dump, don’t you think?
It’s an apartment, Patrick.
PATRICK: Well, not a dump then, but sort of plain.
Uninspired.
And there’s sort of a stale smell.
Patrick, can we just please get through this? We’ve got a long night ahead of us.
JOEL: (WHISPERING) This is the last time I saw you. It’s 3:00.
I kind of, sort of wrecked your car.
JOEL: Driving drunk. It’s pathetic.
CLEMENTINE: I was a little tipsy. Don’t call me pathetic!
JOEL: It is pathetic. It’s fucking irresponsible. You could have killed somebody. Maybe you did kill somebody. Should we turn on the news and see? Should I check the grille to see if there’s children or small animals?
It’s just a fucking dent. You’re like an old lady or something.
JOEL: What are you like? A wino?
A “wino”? Jesus. Are you from the ’50s or something? A “wino”? Face it, Joely. You’re freaked out because I was out late without you. And in your little, wormy brain, you’re trying to figure out, “Did she fuck someone tonight?”
JOEL: Now, see, Clem, I assume you fucked someone tonight. Isn’t that how you get people to like you?
JOEL: I’m sorry, okay? Clem, I didn’t mean it, all right?
Your keys. I won’t need them anymore.
JOEL: (STUTTERING) I was just angry or annoyed or something. I don’t know. Clem?
STAN: Got it.
Mary’s coming over tonight. Just thought you’d want to know.
PATRICK: I like Mary. I like when she comes to visit. I don’t think she likes me.
She likes you okay.
So maybe I should invite my girlfriend over. I have a girlfriend now.
Do whatever you want.
Did I tell you… Did I tell you I have a new girlfriend?
We gotta focus here, Patrick.
The thing is, my situation is a little weird. My girlfriend situation.
I’m sure it is.
JOEL: You’ve got to be…
JOEL: Clem, let me drive you home.
Get out of my face, faggot!
JOEL: Look at it out here! It’s all falling apart! I’m erasing you, and I’m happy! You did it to me first! I can’t believe you did this to me! God damn it! Clem, did you hear me? By morning you’ll be gone! The perfect ending to this piece-of-shit story!
PATRICK: Is there something wrong with a girl being attracted to me? Is that a problem?
STAN: No, I think it’s funny.
PATRICK: Who do you think’s better-looking, me or this guy?
STAN: Patrick, let’s focus, buddy.
PATRICK: Remember that girl we did last week? The one with the potatoes?
STAN: That girl? Yeah, that’s this guy’s girl.
PATRICK: Yeah.
STAN: Right, was. We took care of that.
PATRICK: Well, uh, I kind of fell in love with her that night.
STAN: What? You little fuck.
PATRICK: What?
STAN: She was unconscious, man.
PATRICK: Well, she was beautiful, and… I stole a pair of her panties, as well.
STAN: Jesus!
PATRICK: What? It’s not like… I mean, they were clean and all.
STAN: Don’t tell me this stuff! I don’t want to hear this shit!
PATRICK: They were clean!
STAN: What? Don’t. Stop.
Okay, all right.
We’ve got work to do.
Hold my papers.
PATRICK: There’s more. After we did her, I kind of asked her out.
STAN: What?
Jesus.
…how unethical…
It’s not really that bad.
Get that look off your face. What’s wrong?
STAN: Patrick, you stole a girl’s panties.
(LAUGHING)
(CLATTERING)
JOEL: There’s someone here. He stole your underwear.
CLEMENTINE: I don’t see anyone.
(CLOCK TICKING)
CLEMENTINE: Joel, where are my boots?
MAN ON TV: Now, why are you showing me poisons? Can’t you understand English? Potions, I said. Potions. Love potion, please.
CLEMENTINE: I’m fucking crawling out of my skin! I should have left you at the flea market.
JOEL: Want to go?
I want to have a baby.
JOEL: Let’s talk about it later.
No. I want to have a baby.
JOEL: I don’t think we’re ready.
You’re not ready.
JOEL: Clem, do you really think you could take care of a kid?
What?
JOEL: I don’t want to talk about it here.
I can’t hear you. I can never the fuck understand what you’re saying.
JOEL: I said I don’t want to talk about this!
We’re fucking gonna talk about it! You can’t just say that and say you don’t wanna talk about it. I’m sorry. I’d make a fucking good mother. I love children. I’m creative, I’m smart, and I’d make a fucking great mother! It’s you, Joel. It’s you who can’t commit to anything.
JOEL: It’s going.
You’ve no idea how lucky you are I’m interested in you. I don’t even know why I am. Maybe I should end it right here! Leave you at the flea market with the stupid costume jewelry! Maybe you can find a nice antique rocking chair to die in!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
MARY: Hi, Patrick.
Hi, Mary, how’s it going?
STAN: Hey, you.
MARY: It’s freezing outside.
Did you find us okay?
MARY: Yeah.
Hot.
MARY: Poor guy. Don’t you have anything real to drink?
We haven’t checked yet.
MARY: Let me do the honors.
Mary hates me. Never really had much luck with the ladies.
Maybe if you stopped stealing their panties.
(WHISPERING) There’s more.
No.
Yes.
No.
MARY: (IMITATING CHATTER) You didn’t want any, did you, Patrick?
No, I don’t know. That’s okay.
MARY: Wait. “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.” That’s Nietzsche. Beyond Good and Evil. I found it in my Bartlett’s.
What’s your Bartlett’s?
It’s a quote book, Patrick. It’s a book of quotations.
MARY: I think Howard will be in Bartlett’s one day.
Definitely. Howard is pure Bartlett’s.
(CLATTERING)
MARY: Can you wake him up?
PATRICK: You can’t wake him up.
(ALL LAUGHING)
CLEMENTINE: You don’t tell me things, Joel. I’m an open book. I tell you everything. Every damn embarrassing thing. You don’t trust me.
JOEL: Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.
CLEMENTINE: I don’t do that. I want to know you. I don’t constantly talk. Jesus. People have to share things, Joel. That’s what intimacy is. I’m really pissed that you said that to me.
JOEL: I’m sorry. My life just isn’t that interesting.
CLEMENTINE: I wanna read some of those journals you’re constantly scribbling in. What do you write if you don’t have any thoughts or passions or love?
JOEL: “November 19, 2003. Dinner at Kang’s again. Are we like those poor couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?”
JOEL: I can’t stand the idea of us being a couple people think that about. I like that. How’s the chicken?
Good. More?
JOEL: No, thank you.
JOEL: She’s going to be drunk and stupid now.
CLEMENTINE: Would you do me a favor and clean the goddamn hair off the soap when you’re done in the shower?
JOEL: Yeah.
CLEMENTINE: It’s really…
JOEL: Oh, yeah… gross.
CLEMENTINE: …gross. I think it’s just…
JOEL: Repulsive.
CLEMENTINE: …it’s repulsive.
(PHONE DIALING)
STAN: Patrick, can we get through this? Patrick?
PATRICK: Hey, Tangerine.
CLEMENTINE: Patrick, it’s you. I’m so miserable right now.
Why? What’s wrong?
I don’t know. I’m just confused about everything.
Confused? What are you confused about? Everything’s fine.
Do you love me?
Of course I do.
JOEL: Where’s the self-help section?
(SOBBING) Do you think I’m ugly?
No. You’re beautiful. Maybe I should come over.
No. I don’t know. I’m a mess, Patrick.
Just let me come over. I’ll cheer you up.
Okay.
Stan, can I leave for a while? My girlfriend’s really upset.
We’re right in the middle of erasing this poor man’s…
Let him go, Stan. I’ll help.
See?
MARY: How hard can it be?
See… she hates me. She wants me to go.
STAN: Go.
All right. I’ll be right over, Tangerine.
You like? I matched my sweatshirt exactly.
JOEL: I like it.
You do?
JOEL: You look like a tangerine.
Clementine the tangerine.
JOEL: Juicy and seedless.
I like that.
JOEL: I like tangerines.
Can you see me doing ducks?
JOEL: Tangerine.
(IMITATING DUCK QUACKING)
JOEL: How does he know to call you that?
How did who know?
JOEL: Oh, my God. Clem?
This is pretty cool.
That’s what they called themselves. The Clash, the only band that mattered. And they called themselves that for a reason.
It’s amazing, isn’t it?
Like social justice. Yeah, it’s totally incredible.
What Howard gives to the world.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Yeah.
To let people begin again. It’s beautiful. You look at a baby, and it’s so pure and so free and so clean. Adults are this mess of sadness and phobias. And Howard just makes it all go away.
PATRICK: Baby, what’s going on?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m lost, I’m scared, I feel like I’m disappearing. My skin’s coming off! I’m getting old! Nothing makes any sense to me!
PATRICK: You’re not getting old.
Nothing makes any sense. Nothing makes any sense.
PATRICK: Tangerine.
Nothing makes any sense. Nothing makes any sense.
PATRICK: It’s okay. It’s okay.
Let’s go out dancing. You want to go out to Montauk with me?
PATRICK: Montauk?
Yeah. No, come up to Boston with me.
PATRICK: Sure. We can go next weekend.
No, now. I have to go now. I have to see the frozen Charles now.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
(PHONE RINGING)
JOEL ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, it’s Joel. Leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you.
PATRICK ON PHONE: Pick up. Pick up, man!
Hello? What’s up?
PATRICK: I got into a little situation with the old lady. Can you handle things tonight alone? I’m really sorry.
Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it under control. He’s pretty much on autopilot now, anyway.
PATRICK: Thanks, Stan. I owe you bigtime.
STAN: Dude, I got to go.
PATRICK: “Look. You and me on the Charles River. I could die right now, Clem. I’m just happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m exactly where I want…”
CLEMENTINE: I’m so excited.
PATRICK: I’m excited, too.
CLEMENTINE: Cool.
PATRICK: I got you this thing. Happy early Valentine’s Day.
CLEMENTINE: Thank you. What is it?
PATRICK: I don’t know. Open it up.
CLEMENTINE: It’s gorgeous.
PATRICK: You like it?
CLEMENTINE: It’s just my taste, really. God, I’ve never gone out with a guy who bought me jewelry I liked. Thank you. Let’s go.
PATRICK: Okay.
CLEMENTINE: Joely?
JOEL: Yeah, Tangerine?
CLEMENTINE: Am I ugly?
JOEL: Uh-uh.
CLEMENTINE: When I was a kid, I thought I was. Can’t believe I’m crying already. Sometimes I think people don’t understand how lonely it is to be a kid. Like you don’t matter. So, I’m eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine. And I keep yelling at her, “You can’t be ugly. Be pretty.” It’s weird. Like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
JOEL: [kisses Clementine]Â You’re pretty.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, don’t ever leave me.
JOEL: You’re pretty.
JOEL: Mierzwiak, please let me keep this memory. Just this one.
CLEMENTINE: I don’t want to hold your hand. Come on.
JOEL: Stop it! I could die right now, Clem. I’m just so happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be… Clem? I want to call it off. I’ll give you a sign. I want to call it off. Can you hear me? I don’t want this anymore! I want to call it off!
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
JOEL: Is anybody there?
What?
JOEL: We’ve got to go.
Where?
JOEL: I have an idea of how to stop this.
Stop what?
JOEL: Don’t tickle me. No.
CLEMENTINE: Smell my pits!
Concentrate, Clem.
JOEL: We have to get back to the office.
CLEMENTINE: Halloween.
There was a tape recorder. No, not the picture. Back here. Come on.
CLEMENTINE: Look at me.
I want to go there.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Our files are confidential, so I can’t show you evidence. Suffice it to say that Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. Tell me about…
JOEL: Tell me everything you remember. That’s what he said.
CLEMENTINE: What did we see that day?
We’re going to see my grandma. Shit!
CLEMENTINE: Joel, why…
JOEL: No. We’re not going on a train.
Joel, please. Don’t make me run anymore.
JOEL: Come on. Mierzwiak!
Do we always have to run?
(DOG BARKING)
JOEL: Please?
Why don’t we begin by you telling me everything you can remember…
JOEL: Mierzwiak, wake me up!
I’m sorry, Mr. Barish, I thought you understood what was going on.
JOEL: You’re erasing her from me. You’re erasing me from her. You got this thing. I’m in my bed. I know it. I’m in my brain.
I’m part of your imagination, too, Joel. How can I help you from there? I’m inside your head, too. I’m you.
Sorry.
JOEL: Look, who’s that?
He works for us. That’s Patrick, baby boy.
JOEL: He’s stealing my identity. He stole my stuff. He’s seducing my girlfriend with my words and my things. He stole her underwear. Jesus Christ. He stole her underwear.
PATRICK: I could die right now, Clem. I’m just happy. I’ve never felt that before. I’m exactly where I want to be.
I want to go home.
PATRICK: What? Wait, Clem.
JOEL: Clem, they’re erasing you.
CLEMENTINE: Over here!
JOEL: Clem, focus. I hired them, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so stupid.
Sweetie, calm down. Enjoy the scenery.
JOEL: I need it to stop before I wake up and don’t know you anymore.
Just tell them to cancel it then.
JOEL: What the hell are you talking about? I can’t just cancel it. I’m asleep.
Wake yourself up!
JOEL: Okay, you want me to wake up? All right. Okay, here we go. Will it make you happy if I try?
Yeah.
JOEL: I’ll try really hard. Here we go. That was a great idea. That’s working like gangbusters.
MARY: Don’t!
That tickles me!
STAN: What the hell is that?
MARY: It’s a birthmark!
JOEL: It did work, for a second. But I couldn’t…
See?
JOEL: I couldn’t move.
Isn’t that just another one of Joel’s self-fulfilling prophecies? It’s more important to prove me wrong than to actually…
JOEL: I don’t want to discuss this right now, okay?
Fine. Then what? I’m listening.
JOEL: I don’t know. You erased me. That’s why I’m here and doing this.
I’m sorry. You know me, I’m impulsive.
JOEL: That’s what I love about you.
CLEMENTINE: I have another idea for this problem. This is a memory of me. The way you wanted to have sex on the couch after you look down at my crotch. The eraser guys are coming, so what if you take me somewhere else, somewhere where I don’t belong, and we hide there till morning?
JOEL: I can’t remember anything without you.
That’s very sweet, but try, okay?
JOEL: Okay.
(CHILD SINGING ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT)
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
CLEMENTINE: It’s working. I’m a genius!
Joel! Joel! Where did you go? I’m supposed to come, too!
WOMAN: I’m just gonna go get a salad bowl. Can you stir the soup and keep an eye on Joel? He likes to be near me.
CLEMENTINE: Absolutely.
It worked. My God, look at this. It worked! Look at this dress, man. I wish I could take it with me. Who am I?
JOEL: Mrs. Hamlyn.
Right. Mrs. Hamlyn.
JOEL: I must be about four. Oh, my gosh.
Found the salad bowl. I’m serving salad and string beans. Is he okay under there? Honey, are you all right? I feel like I could clean up all day. Would you hate me if I asked you to clean some string beans?
No, not at all.
God, I love this kitchen.
Thank you so much.
JOEL: She’s not looking at me. She’s busy. No one ever looks at me. I want my mommy.
CLEMENTINE: Oh, baby Joel.
JOEL’S MOTHER: ls every little peanut under there okay?
He’s fine. Do you have something to drink?
JOEL’S MOTHER: How about a cocktail? I know it’s not 5:00…
I would die for a vodka.
Let me check if I have that.
Okay, I’m just going to wait right here.
No, sweetie. Joely? Your mother wants me to mind you. Get back under the table.
JOEL: Ice cream.
No, not until after you’ve had your dinner.
Come on ! Grow up.
JOEL: Don’t leave me, Clem. Oh, my God.
No, I’m right here.
This is sort of warped.
I’m scared.
I want my mommy.
Don’t cry, baby Joel.
It’s okay.
Joel, stop it! I think it’s working. We’re hidden, Joel. Look!
Honey, look.
Wait there.
My crotch is still here, just as you remembered it.
JOEL: Yuck.
(COMPUTER BUZZING)
It stopped.
What?
It stopped erasing. Oh, shit! This is terrible. He’s off the map.
MARY: Where?
I don’t know where. This is very bad news. Where are my glasses? Crap! What did we do? What do I do?
MARY: What shall we do?
STAN: I don’t know what to do.
MARY: What shall we do?
I just said, I don’t know.
MARY: I’m sorry. What shall we do?
I don’t know. Mellow out. You’re freaking me out.
MARY: We have to do something. He could wake up all half-baked.
Quiet. You’re freaking me out.
MARY: All gooey and half-baked. That sounds so good. I’m hungry.
(MARY EXCLAIMING)
Oh, shit. What?
MARY: We should call Howard.
No way. No sir, man. This is my… I can handle this. You can’t call Howard.
MARY: There’s no time to fuck around.
I’ve got this under control. What are you talking about?
MARY: Stop fucking around.
Okay. I’ll call Howard.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Howard, it’s Stan. I’m working on this guy down here. We’ve lost him for a moment, and I can’t bring him back up.
Okay, tell me what happened before he disappeared.
I wasn’t sure because I was away from the monitor for a minute, and I had it on autopilot because I had to pee.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Where was Patrick?
He had to go home sick.
What’s the address?
STAN: I know, I’m so sorry.
That’s okay. Come on.
We’re at 159 South Village. Apartment 1E. Rockville Center.
Mary, he’s coming right now.
MARY: I’m staying.
Get your stuff, Mary.
MARY: I’m staying.I think you should go.
No.
MARY: I am so stoned.
STAN: Please, Mary, you have to go.
Stop being stoned.
MARY: I don’t want him to see me stoned.
You have no idea how much trouble I’ll get into if Howard comes…
CLEMENTINE: Joel, stop. Look.
I want her to pick me up. Weird how strong that desire is.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, look at me. You’ll remember me in the morning, you’ll come to me, you’ll tell me about us, and we’ll start over.
Pat? I thought we could have a little cocktail.
That Patrick guy, he’s copying me.
CLEMENTINE: What Patrick guy?
That guy.
CLEMENTINE: What?
He’s here, in my apartment. One of the eraser guys. He fell for you when they were doing you, and now he’s introduced himself like he doesn’t even know you, and you guys are dating.
CLEMENTINE: Really?
Is he cute?
Clem, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. You’re kind, beautiful, smart, funny, and nice.
CLEMENTINE: What?
Okay, all right.
Move. Come on, let’s go.
Careful.
MARY: I’m still stoned. Those eye drops you gave me didn’t do shit.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
STAN: Be cool.
Hello, Mary, what are you doing here?
STAN: Hi, Howard. She was just here to help out.
MARY: I wanted to understand as much about the procedure as possible… I think it’s important for my job to understand the inner workings of the work that we do. Not that I do, but the work that is done by people where I also work. The work of my colleagues.
Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this, shall we?
That’s odd.
I already tried that.
You tried going through the C-gate?
Of course. I mean, yes.
All right.
You want to get linked up?
Yeah.
I ran the utility programs, and I had nothing there, so I checked all the memories against the printed logs.
Here, Howard, I got you a chair.
Thank you.
There you go.
You’re welcome.
All right.
I’ve got it.
I’ll go through the entire memory, see if something comes up.
(SINGING OH, MY DARLING CLEMENTINE)
JOEL: I love being bathed in the sink. Such a feeling of security.
I’ve never seen you happier, baby Joel.
DR. MIERZWIAK: There it is. I don’t understand why it’s off the map like that. What the heck was he doing there?
His eyes are open. Has this happened before with him?
No.
This is not good. I’m going to have to give him this.
WOMAN ON SCREEN: Can’t you see I love you, Antoine?
DR. MIERZWIAK: Okay, we’re back in.
MARY: That was beautiful to watch, Howard, like a surgeon or a concert pianist.
Thank you, Mary.
Howard, you should get some sleep. I think I’ll be fine now.
Can’t you see I love you, Antoine?
Lucky me. Lay one on me.
(IMITATING KISSING)
Don’t call me Antoine. My name is Wally.
Yes, I know, but how can a woman love a man with a name like Wally?
(EXCLAIMS)
What was that?
My God, there’s people coming out of your butt.
There is?
Got it.
Tangerine! Come on. We’ve got to go. Go on. Please go.
STAN: You can run, but you can’t hide.
JOEL: Clem, come on!
JOEL: There I am. That truck.
Doc? Please!
Let’s begin by you telling me everything you remember…
That’s strange. He’s in a memory that we’ve already erased.
At least we know where he is.
He’s back on track, right?
JOEL: Come on, Clem.
STAN: He’s developed some sort of resistance to the procedure.
I don’t want to run anymore.
Shit.
Come on.
Hide me somewhere deeper, somewhere really buried.
Where?
Hide me in your humiliation.
Humiliation.
BOY: Come on, you big baby.
(CHATTERING) No!
MARY: Bye, Howard.
Wait. He’s disappeared again.
Oh, dear.
MARY: I’m so sorry, Howard.
JOEL: Humiliation. Humiliation. I don’t like it, either. I’m trying to find horrible secret places to…
Honey, I have a surprise. You know what? I’ll just ask you in the morning. Good night, sweetheart.
(CLEMENTINE LAUGHING)
I’m sorry.
JOEL: Shut up.
Look. Joel, look where we are.
This isn’t good.
Then hide me somewhere really buried.
BOYS: Hit it, Joel!
JOEL: I can’t, I’ve got to go home. I’ll do it later!
(BOYS SHOUTING)
(CRYING)
BOY: He has a girlfriend.
JOEL: Wait, what am I doing? Freddy, you don’t scare me anymore.
Joely, get up.
Come on, it’s not worth it. They’re not worth it, Joel.
He’s not listening!
Come on.
JOEL: Stupid!
JOEL: I’m so ashamed.
CLEMENTINE: It’s okay. You were a little kid. Come on.
JOEL: That’s where I live, lived. I wish I knew you when I was a kid.
Do you like my pink hat? Here, look, feel better. You can really kill me this time. It’s my turn. Go.
You’re really going to die, though, okay?
One, two, three.
You’re dead. My mom. It’s okay, we’re playing. It’s not real.
He’s killing me.
Are you dead yet? You’re dead!
I think I got the hang of this. I still don’t understand it, but I’m finding him quickly enough.
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
Are you okay, Joel?
Oh, my God, that was terrible. Almost three seconds.
JOEL: Let’s do it one more time.
One more and then I get to go.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is so cool!
JOEL: Look out!
It’s fluff. Our house.
JOEL: Wait, we’ve got to go.
Come on.
JOEL: This is a really bad time for this.
I don’t even know where we’re going.
JOEL: It’s going to be fun. It’s the best place.
No, this way.
This way. Come on.
JOEL: You’re no help at all. Come on.
Let go of me, Joel.
MARY: I like watching you work, Howard.
STAN: I guess I’ll go out for some air, if nobody minds. It looks like you have everything under control here.
Yeah, that’s fine.
MARY: Do you like quotes, Howard?
DR. MIERZWIAK: What do you mean?
MARY: Like famous quotes. I find reading them inspirational, and in my reading, I’ve come across some I thought you might like, too.
DR. MIERZWIAK: I’d love to hear some.
MARY: There’s one that goes, “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.”
DR. MIERZWIAK: That’s Nietzsche, right?
MARY: Yeah. I thought I could tell you something you didn’t know.
DR. MIERZWIAK: No, it’s a good quote. I’m happy we both know it.
MARY: There’s this other one I like. It’s by Pope Alexander and it goes…
DR. MIERZWIAK: Alexander Pope?
MARY: Oh, yeah. Shit. It’s just that I told myself not to say “Pope Alexander” and sound like a dope, and then I go ahead and say it.
DR. MIERZWIAK: It’s no big deal.
MARY: You’re such a sweetheart. The quote goes,
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted and each wish resign’d”
I want to be a great, big, huge elephant.
With a huge trunk like that.
DR. MIERZWIAK: I haven’t heard that one. It’s lovely.
MARY: I just thought it would be appropriate, maybe. I really admire the work you do. I don’t mean to be so familiar…
DR. MIERZWIAK: It’s fine. I’m happy to hear…
MARY: I’m sorry. I’ve loved you for a very long time. I shouldn’t have said that.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Mary, you’re a wonderful girl. But, you know, I have a wife and kids. Mary, we can’t do this.
Good morning, Mrs. Mierzwiak.
(CAR HORN BLARING)
MARY: What? Who is it?
DR. MIERZWIAK: Oh, my God.
HOLLIS: Thank you, Stan. Thanks a lot.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Hollis! Wait.
HOLLIS: I knew it, Howard.
DR. MIERZWIAK: It didn’t start out like this. I came here to work. This is a one-time mistake.
MARY: I’m a stupid girl with a crush. I basically forced him into it.
HOLLIS: Don’t be a monster. Tell the girl.
MARY: Tell me what?
HOLLIS: Oh, you poor kid. You can have him. You did.
MARY: What?
DR. MIERZWIAK: We have a history. I’m sorry. You wanted the procedure. You wanted it done so you could get past… I have to finish the work in there. It’s almost morning. We’ll talk later, okay?
Hey, let me give you a lift home.
JOEL: Hi.
CLEMENTINE: Didn’t figure you’d show your face around me again. I thought you were humiliated. You did run away, after all.
JOEL: I just needed to see you.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah?
JOEL: I’d like to take you out or something.
CLEMENTINE: You’re married.
JOEL: Not yet. Not married. No, I’m not married.
CLEMENTINE: Look, I’m telling you right off the bat, I’m high maintenance, so I’m not gonna tiptoe around your marriage or whatever it is you’ve got going there. If you want to be with me, you’re with me.
JOEL: Okay.
CLEMENTINE: Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them or I’m gonna make them alive. I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.
JOEL: I remember that speech really well.
CLEMENTINE: I had you pegged, didn’t I?
JOEL: Had the whole human race pegged.
CLEMENTINE: Probably.
JOEL: I still thought you were going to save my life. Even after that.
CLEMENTINE: I know.
JOEL: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
CLEMENTINE: Remember me. Try your best. Maybe we can.
DR. MIERZWIAK: OK, so just tell me what you remember, and we’ll take it from there.
MARY: I liked you immediately. You didn’t come on to me at all. I liked that. I was so tonguetied around you at first, but I wanted you to think I was smart. I couldn’t wait to come to work. I had these fantasies of us being married and having kids… Howie, I can’t do this.
DR. MIERZWIAK: We agreed it’s for the best, Mary.
MARY: Yeah, I know. Oh, God!
CARRIE: I’ll take the bottom and you…
No, Joel, help me with that.
CARRIE: Will you get the cooler?
Honey, the cooler’s pretty…
She can get it.
Let me get that.
No, no, no.
Don’t take anything.
CARRIE: I can take the plane.
Put the gate back up.
JOEL: This is the day we met. You were by the surf. I could just make you out in the distance. I remember being drawn to you, even then. I thought, “Wow, how odd! I’m drawn to someone’s back.” You were in that orange sweatshirt that I would come to know so well, and even hate, eventually. But at the time I thought, “How cool, an orange sweatshirt.”
CLEMENTINE: Hi, there.
JOEL: Hi.
CLEMENTINE: I saw you sitting over here by yourself, and I thought, “Thank God, someone normal who doesn’t know how to interact at these things either.”
JOEL: I don’t ever know what to say.
CLEMENTINE: I’m Clementine. Can I borrow a piece of your chicken?
JOEL: And then you just took it, without waiting for an answer. It was so intimate, like we were already lovers. I’m Joel.
CLEMENTINE: Hi, Joel. So, no jokes about my name.
JOEL: You mean, like “Oh, my darlin‘, Oh, my darlin‘, Oh, my darlin‘ Clementine?” Huckleberry Hound? That sort of thing?
CLEMENTINE: Yeah, like that.
JOEL: No, no jokes. One of my favorite things when I was a kid was my Huckleberry Hound doll. I think your name is magical.
CLEMENTINE: This is it, Joel. It’s gonna be gone soon.
JOEL: I know.
CLEMENTINE: What do we do?
JOEL: Enjoy it.
CLEMENTINE: You married?
JOEL: No.
CLEMENTINE: Let’s move into this neighborhood!
JOEL: I do sort of live with someone, though.
CLEMENTINE: Male or female?
JOEL: What? Female. Female.
CLEMENTINE: At least I’m not barking up the wrong tree.
JOEL: Do you know these people?
CLEMENTINE: No, of course not. Come on.
JOEL: They might have a dog.
CLEMENTINE: There’s no dog.
JOEL: What are you doing?
CLEMENTINE: It’s freezing out.
JOEL: I don’t believe this.
CLEMENTINE: Hoo-hoo!
JOEL: Clementine!
CLEMENTINE: There we go. Whoo-hoo! Come on, man. The water’s fine. Nobody’s coming here tonight, believe me.
JOEL: It’s dark.
CLEMENTINE: So, uh, what’s your girlfriend’s name?
JOEL: Naomi, but we’re not really… I mean… We’re…
CLEMENTINE: Whatever. So this is great. Now I can look for candles, matches, and the liquor cabinet.
JOEL: Oh, God. I think we should go.
CLEMENTINE: There’s no phone line. What?
JOEL: I think we should go.
CLEMENTINE: Why? It’s our house. Just for tonight. We are “David and Ruth Laskin.” Which one do you want to be?
JOEL: Uh…
CLEMENTINE: I prefer to be Ruth, but I can be flexible.
JOEL: What are you do…
CLEMENTINE: Alcohol!
JOEL: Oh, boy.
CLEMENTINE: So, are you okay with wine?
JOEL: I don’t know.
CLEMENTINE: Well, you choose the wine. I’ll go find the bedroom and slip into something more… Ruth. I’m Ruth-less at the moment.
JOEL: We really should go. I’ve got to catch my ride.
CLEMENTINE: So go!
JOEL: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut, but you were exciting.
CLEMENTINE: I wish you’d stayed.
JOEL: I wish I’d stayed, too. Now I wish I’d stayed. I wish I’d done a lot of things. Oh, God, I wish I had… I wish I’d stayed. I do.
CLEMENTINE: Well, I came back downstairs, and you were gone!
JOEL: I walked out. I walked out the door.
CLEMENTINE: Why?
JOEL: I don’t know. I felt like a scared little kid. I was like… It was above my head. I don’t know.
CLEMENTINE: You were scared?
JOEL: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
CLEMENTINE: Was it something I said?
JOEL: Yeah… You said “So go” with such disdain, you know?
CLEMENTINE: Oh, I’m sorry.
JOEL: It’s okay.
[Walking out]
CLEMENTINE: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
JOEL: I walked out the door. There’s no memory left.
CLEMENTINE: Come back and make up a good-bye, at least. Let’s pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
CLEMENTINE: Bye, Joel.
JOEL: I love you.
CLEMENTINE: Meet me… in Montauk.
ROB: I didn’t crash the plane. The plane crashed. I didn’t crash the plane.
CARRIE: You were operating the plane with the remote control, and it crashed.
ROB: It was fucking windy. Come on, man.
CARRIE: You’re stoned and you’re driving.
ROB: Yeah, the pot balances it out and brings you back up. That’s why I smoke it. If I’m going to be drinking, then I’ll smoke it. It does. That’s a medical fact. It was proven on the Science Network.
CARRIE: Honey, just watch the road.
ROB: I can’t see shit.
CARRIE: I saw you talking to somebody pretty.
JOEL: She was nice.
ROB: Yeah, man, who was that?
JOEL: She was, um, just a girl.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Okay.
(PHONE RINGING)
STAN: So I gotta… I gotta drop the van off.
DR. MIERZWIAK: Thanks, Stan. Thanks. We’ll talk.
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
(CAR DRIVING AWAY)
(JOEL GROANS)
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
STAN: Hey! You’ve got a lot of your stuff there, I see.
MARY: Yeah, that’s right. My stuff.
STAN: I take it you’re not coming back. I wouldn’t come back if I was you either.
MARY: Do you swear you didn’t know?
STAN: I-I swear.
MARY: So you didn’t do the erasing?
STAN: Of course not. God, no.
MARY: And you never even suspected we were together?
STAN: Once, maybe. I was coming back from a job, and you were at his car. And I saw you two talking. So I waved to you, and you giggled, you know.
MARY: How did I look?
STAN: You looked happy. Happy with a secret.
MARY: And after that?
STAN: I never saw you two together again like that, so I just… I don’t know. I just figured I was imagining things.
Aah!
(MAN ANNOUNCING ON PA) Montauk train now boarding on track “B.” All aboard.
(BELL RINGING)
STAN: I really like you, Mary Svevo. You know that?
MARY: Thanks.
CLEMENTINE: Let me get my toothbrush.
(BEEPS)
PATRICK ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Where are you, Clem? I’m worried.
CLEMENTINE: La-la-la-la-la.
PATRICK ON ANSWERING MACHINE: I feel like you’re mad at me and I don’t know what I did. What did I do? I love you so much. I’ll do anything to make you happy. Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. I’m going to stop by this morning, just to make sure you’re okay.
CLEMENTINE: Oh, Whew.
(WHISTLES)
CLEMENTINE: Vámanos, señor.
STAN: I had a really nice time last night.
CLEMENTINE: Nice?
STAN: I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life last night.
CLEMENTINE: That’s better. … This is weird.
MARY: “To all patients of Dr. Howard Mierzwiak. My name is Mary Svevo. We’ve met, but you don’t remember me. I worked for a company you hired to have part of your memory erased. I’ve since decided that this is a horrible… To correct this, I’m sending everyone’s file back to them.”
CLEMENTINE ON TAPE: My name is Clementine Kruczynski. I’m here to erase Joel Barish.
STAN: What is this?
CLEMENTINE: I don’t know.
CLEMENTINE ON TAPE: He’s boring. Is that enough reason to erase someone? I’ve been thinking how I was before and how I am now, and he changed me. I feel like I’m always pissy now. I don’t like myself when I’m with him. I don’t like myself anymore. I can’t stand to even look at him. That pathetic, wimpy, apologetic smile. That sort of wounded puppy shit he does, you know?
STAN: What are you doing?
CLEMENTINE: I’m not doing anything.
CLEMENTINE ON TAPE: The bloom is certainly off the rose at this point.
STAN: Are you screwing with me?
CLEMENTINE: No!
STAN: You are screwing with me.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, I’m not!
STAN: You clearly are!
CLEMENTINE: Let’s just take a minute and…
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
CLEMENTINE: Patrick, get the fuck away from me!
PATRICK: Oh, sweetheart…
CLEMENTINE: Get the fuck away from me!
PATRICK: Can we talk about it?
CLEMENTINE: No! Get the fuck away!
CLEMENTINE: Joel Barish.
Hey, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE: Hey.
Nice to see you. Yeah.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah.
JOEL ON TAPE: I mean, she’s smart, I think, but not educated. I couldn’t really talk to her about books, you know? She’s more of a magazine-reading girl. Her vocabulary leaves something to be desired. Sometimes… I was embarrassed in public…
CLEMENTINE: Hi.
JOEL ON TAPE: …because she would pronounce library, ” “libary.”
JOEL: Hi.
JOEL ON TAPE: Libary, Libary.
JOEL: Look what I found.
JOEL ON TAPE: I think if there’s a truly seductive quality about Clementine, it’s that her personality promises to take you out of the mundane.
CLEMENTINE: Made me look skinny.
JOEL ON TAPE: An amazing, burning meteorite will carry you to another world where things are exciting. But what you quickly learn is that it’s really an elaborate ruse.
JOEL: I’m sorry I yelled at you.
CLEMENTINE: It’s okay.
JOEL ON TAPE: So flashy in a kind of obvious way. But still, it seduces you.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, I really like you. I hate that I said mean things about you.
JOEL: Let me turn this off, okay?
CLEMENTINE: Hey, it’s only fair.
JOEL ON TAPE: Where’s the real Clementine? I mean, the whole thing with the hair… it’s all bullshit.
JOEL: I really like your hair.
CLEMENTINE: Thank you.
JOEL: I do.
JOEL ON TAPE: The world’s a goddamn mess. Is it some kind of a revolt? Change your hair color.
JOEL: You want a drink or something?
CLEMENTINE: Do you have any whiskey?
JOEL ON TAPE: No, I don’t think her sex is… motivated. I saw it clearly the last night we were together. It wasn’t sex. It was just sad.
JOEL: Hey. Sorry. I thought there was more.
JOEL ON TAPE: The only way Clem thinks she can get people to like her… is to fuck ’em… or at least dangle the possibility of getting fucked in front of ’em. And she’s so desperate and insecure… that she’ll, sooner or later, go around fucking everybody.
CLEMENTINE: I don’t do that.
JOEL: I wouldn’t think that about you.
CLEMENTINE: Because I don’t.
JOEL: I know.
CLEMENTINE: Because it really hurts me that you said that, because I don’t do that.
JOEL: I’m so sorry.
CLEMENTINE: I’m sorry about all this. I’m gonna… go. I’m a little confused. I don’t really think I can be here. Um… bye.
JOEL: Bye.
JOEL ON TAPE: I thought I knew her so well.
CLEMENTINE: It was nice meeting you and all.
JOEL ON TAPE: But I don’t know her at all. What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she’s a stranger.
JOEL: Wait.
CLEMENTINE: What?
JOEL: I don’t know. Just wait. Just wait.
CLEMENTINE: What do you want, Joel?
JOEL: I don’t know. I want you to wait for… just a while.
CLEMENTINE: Okay.
JOEL: Really?
CLEMENTINE: I’m not a concept, Joel. I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.
JOEL: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.
CLEMENTINE: But you will!
JOEL: Right now I can’t.
CLEMENTINE: But you will! You know, you will think of things, and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped… because that’s what happens with me.
JOEL: Okay.
CLEMENTINE: [pauses] Okay. Okay.
JOEL: Okay.
(EVERYBODY’S GOT TO LEARN SOMETIME BY BECK PLAYING)
Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you
And I need your lovin’ like the sunshine
And everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you
And I need your lovin’ like the sunshine
And everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometime
And everybody’s gotta learn sometime
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime
