Bullet Train (2022) | Transcript

Five assassins aboard a fast moving bullet train find out their missions have something in common.
Bullet Train (2022)

Ladybug (Brad Pitt) is an unlucky assassin determined to do his job peacefully after one too many gigs gone off the rails. Fate, however, may have other plans, as Ladybug’s latest mission puts him on a collision course with lethal adversaries from around the globe-all with connected, yet conflicting, objectives-on the world’s fastest train. The end of the line is just the beginning in this non-stop thrill-ride through modern-day Japan.

* * *

(monitor beeping rhythmically)

(respirator whooshing rhythmically)

(rhythmic beeping and whooshing continue)

(rhythmic beeping and whooshing continue)

(creaking)

(cries softly, sniffles)

(animated music plays on TV)

♫ ♫

The boom slang was stolen from the zoo last night.

It’s extremely dangerous.

(rhythmic beeping and whooshing continue)

(sighing)

(P.A. beeps)

(indistinct announcement over P.A.)

(rhythmic beeping and whooshing continue)

Father.

Any news on my grandson?

No change.

He hasn’t woken up.

A father’s job is to protect his family.

When Wataru was on that roof…

(policeman talking over speaker)

When he was pushed…

(people chattering)

Where was his father?

Wataru is lucky.

You never know what horrible fate your bad luck has saved you from.

(breathing heavily)

♫ ♫

♫ Stayin’ alive stayin’ alive ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ Stayin’ alive… ♫

(phone line ringing)

(song fades)

(phone line clicks)

Maria: Thank you for taking the job on such short notice.

I am ready.

You are getting the new and improved me.

Since I’ve been working with Barry, I am experiencing a calm like never before.

Never.

Like, I’m less reactive to situations, I’m more accepting of people’s shortcomings.

I was a little uncertain about coming back to work, but it’s like Barry says;

You put peace out in the world, you get peace back.

Maria: I think your new therapist might be forgetting what you do for a living, little ladybug.

Ladybug? Mm-hmm.

Your new operational name.

Ladybug? Really?

You don’t like it? You like it?

I like it.

Well, if you like it, all right.

Oh, I see what you’re doing.

Ladybugs are supposed to be lucky. Ha, ha.

(horn blaring)

(squishing) (groans)

Maria: You don’t have bad luck.

Really?

My bad luck is biblical.

I’m not even trying to kill people and someone dies.

Maria: That’s an exaggeration.

Ladybug: It is? My last job?

The political blackmail photos? (woman moans)

(woman) I voted for you. Remember the suicidal bellboy climbed to the roof of his hotel, couldn’t take it anymore?

(bellboy screaming)

(Ladybug grunts)

Maria: Seems more like his bad luck than yours.

(bellboy groaning)

Hang in there, buddy!

Maria: And he didn’t die.

Okay? You drove him to the hospital.

It’s good luck.

All in how you frame it. Sure.

Gotta say I like it here.

I could live here.

I like the atmosphere, the people are considerate.

(grunts)

(metallic clinking)

Except for that guy.

Why is this job paying so well?

It was supposed to be carver’s, but he’s got some stomach thing.

Carver? You know, and he doesn’t do snatch and grabs.

I’m filling in for carver?

Y-You picked me second to carver?

You said you wanted simple for your first job back.

Doesn’t get simpler.

Shit.

Maria: Shit what? I think I must have lost the key when that guy bumped into me.

What’s the number again?

Maria: Five twenty-three.

Momonga: (on screen) Momomon.

Carver.

What an ego.

I mean, talk about a candidate for self-improvement.

I mean, calling in sick?

I mean, what is that, high school?

Maria: Mm. I can hear that personal growth.

I know I’m being judgmental.

I need to… work on that.

But, Jesus, what a douche bag. (watches ticking)

Maria: You have the strangest requests… firecrackers?

I’m industrious.

Please tell me you didn’t order the sleeping powder.

Nope. You almost gave that bodyguard in Anchorage a heart attack.

I’ve worked on the dosage.

Take the gun.

♫ ♫

(people chattering)

Ticket please.

Kimura: Hai.

(woman over speaker) This train is bound for Kyoto.

Thank you for using our train.

First class is that way.

Hai. Domo.

Maria: I’m gonna assume you didn’t take the gun?

Barry says every conflict is an opportunity for a peaceful… what was it?

And your handler says some conflicts require a gun.

(chiming over speakers) Shit.

(announcements in Japanese over speakers)

(passengers chattering)

Ladybug: Okay, I’m on.

Maria: Well, that’s a start.

Hey, this is nice.

Economy?

You know, I’m thinking of starting my own agency.

You know, all simple jobs, all the time.

Maria: That’s a terrible business plan.

No more sociopaths, no more maniacs.

Just quality people.

Barry says it’s time for some change. I think he’s right.

Barry does not know what you do for a living.

Okay, here we go.

The bullet train has 16 cars; Ten economy, six first-class, and remember, only one minute stop at every station.

(low, muffled chatter)

Bloody fuckin’ hell. Do you mind?

(Kimura and woman speaking Japanese)

What is he, fucking blind or something?

Lemon: Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Oh, come on, nicking…? No.

You don’t have to Nick the biscuits, man.

(woman speaks Japanese) Oh, no.

You all right? Okay, cool.

Yeah. Fucking asshole. Thank you.

Why’d I do that?

It’s like I got a compulsion or something.

I have to take it if I see it.

Need to talk to someone. Serious.

A goldfish biscuit?

I mean, I don’t, I don’t understand it.

Okay, simple snatch and grab.

What am I snatching and/or grabbing?

Maria: A briefcase.

Intel says there’s a train sticker on the handle.

Briefcases have owners. Owners are not simple.

Mm-hmm. And last update says the owners will be in economy class.

O-Owners, plural?

Why didn’t you tell me to bring that gun?

I did. You chose spiritual enlightenment.

(speaks Japanese) Please.

Ticket. (sighs)

Hold on. (paper rustling)

(in English) Ah, no, no. Receipt.

Oh. (sighs)

Shit, I think I dropped my ticket, too.

Uh, that receipt shows I bought a ticket, though, right?

One stop.

Yep.

Domo a rig at…

I thought they bowed here.

(door whooshing)

(panting)

I PUSHED HIM. FIRST CLASS, SEAT B4

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(gasps)

Sorry, kid. I’m looking for…

(stun gun clicking)

(Kimura grunting)

(grunts softly)

You found her.

(whooshing)

Oh, lemon. Tangerine.

You’re bleeding, mate.

Oh, mate, shit.

Oh, shit, man. Oh, fuck.

Who the fuck did I kill?

Get a wet one on it or something.

Oh, it’s not mine, mate. Oh, it’s not yours?

Yeah. I don’t bleed. Oh, in that case, just leave your jacket open, let everyone have a good old look.

Yeah, I want everyone to see my tie.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck is wrong with you?

Pull your coat together so no one else notices, lemon.

I think they’ll notice the childish code names first.

But if we’re gonna stick with fruit, why not, uh, apple or orange?

So, what’s in this case?

Maria: Are we doing this?

You know what’s in the case.

(sighs) Money.

It’s always money.

Tangerine: Tangerines are sophisticated.

Oh, now he’s callin’ a fruit sophisticated.

Yeah, it’s cross-hybridized with other fruit.

They’re adaptable.

(sniffs) Like me.

Ladybug: You said six cars in economy, say 30 passengers per car, guessing two bags per, let’s see, uh, times two and you carry…

Yeah, no fuckin’ way I’m gonna find one brief…

Wait. Maria: What?

Train sticker on the handle? Yeah.

Holy shitbox.

And why am I lemon? Tangerine: ‘Cause you’re sour.

No one likes lemons. That’s bollocks, mate.

Lemonades, lemon drops. You got a sore throat?

Lemon meringue pie. When was the last time you ate a lemon meringue pie? Lemon drizzle cake.

I’m sorry, are you talking about lemons?

(whispering) I have the case.

Maria: Well, that’s great.

Is it? Yes.

What’s the catch? There is no catch.

There’s always a catch.

Get off the train.

Quite like lemons, I just hate code names.

(man sighs)

Oh, well, look at this.

Sleeping beauty.

Tangerine: Wakey-wakey.

Lemon: Eggs and bakey.

Where am I?

♫ ♫

You’re safe now.

Your father sent us.

You idiots work for my father? Ooh, easy.

We could deliver you back to your pops in a box.

Technically, we’re outside contractors.

I’m tangerine.

He’s lemon.

Like the fruit?

You ever watch Thomas the tank engine?

Here we go.

Hey, you watch something nowadays, what is it, huh? Nothing.

It’s twists, violence, drama, no message.

What’s the point? Huh?

What are we supposed to learn?

Everything I learned about people I learned from Thomas.

Oh, yeah? And you bring your sticker book, did ya?

I always bring my stickers with me, you know that.

Take tangerine here.

He’s a Gordon, this blue one.

And Gordon is the strongest, the most important, but he doesn’t always listen to others.

What’s that, now?

I mean, some people are Edwards; Wise, kind.

Some are Henrys; Hardworking, strong.

Some people are diesels.

Fuck me!

Those are trouble.

You, though…

Yeah, you seem like a Percy.

Young. Sweet.

Not all there. (chuckles)

(feigns chuckle)

Tangerine: You finished, both of you?

Yeah. Right.

Your daddy hired us to get you out of the trouble you got yourself into, didn’t you, naughty boy?

Why are you… wh-why are you t-tangerine, though?

Oh, it’s sophisticated, mate.

Oh, fuckin’ hell.

It’s not important, is it?

What is important are the 17 dead bodies we left getting you back from the triad that kidnapped you with the plans to ransom you to your extremely psychotic fucked-up father.

Actually, it’s 16.

What’s that, now?

Sixteen kills, mate. No, it was 17.

It’s… 16.

Lemon, you’re startin’ to get on my tits.

Sixteen. I’ll smash my fucking head through a brick wall.

That’d help your memory… It was 16.

The fuck is wrong with you, man?

It was 17, goddamn it.

I want to strangle you now.

You mind if we do this now?

We’ll get it sorted. Oh, don’t worry about him.

Couldn’t give a shit. Go ahead.

♫ I’m forever ♫

♫ blowing bubbles ♫

(man screaming)

One.

(gunshot)

(grunts)

♫ Pretty bubbles in the air ♫

Two and three.

(screaming)

♫ They fly so high ♫

♫ nearly reach the sky ♫

(muffled shouting)

Five guys playing poker.

♫ Then like my dreams they fade and die ♫

♫ fortune’s always hiding ♫

♫ I’ve looked everywhere… ♫

lemon: No.

Lemon: Keep moving!

Big guy. Yeah, big guy.

♫ Blowing bubbles ♫

(straining) Sometime today!

♫ Pretty bubbles ♫

Ten.

♫ In the air ♫

(tires screeching)

Three assholes with swords.

(yelling)

Fucking get it. Fuck!

Lemon: Why do you always bring swords?!

Fucking triad. I mean, you would, wouldn’t ya?

You son of a bitch!

(grunts)

I like swords, actually.

(engines revving)

(tires squealing)

Looks like it’s time for a Jaffa cake.

How about a wagon wheel?

Oh, that works.

♫ Fortune’s always hiding ♫

swing!

♫ I’ve looked everywhere ♫

Fourteen, fifteen.

♫ I’m forever blowing bubbles ♫

And the prick on the motorcycle.

♫ Pretty bubbles in the air ♫

♫ pretty bubbles ♫

So 16. You forgot the poor, innocent civilian on the street. The fuck you…?

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

You okay? Oh, my…

♫ pretty… ♫

(song stops abruptly)

Shit. That wasn’t our fault.

That wasn’t our fault. No. Wasn’t our fault?

Well, what would Thomas the tank engine say, lemon?

That’s really mean.

He’d say, “hey, take responsibility, mate.”

He doesn’t sound like that. (imitates train whistle)

Gonna put a little distance between me and the owners.

Maria: Are you nervous? Yeah, I’m nervous.

You sound nervous. ‘Cause I am, in fact, nervous.

Hey, listen, I’m just gonna get off at the next stop.

Lemon: Oh, let’s, uh, have a seat, then, huh?

Do you know what they call your papushka?

Course I fucking do.

The White Death.

Not exactly a fruit. No. There you go.

There’s a story… Stop me if you’ve heard it…

Where this woman found herself in the unfortunate position of owing your father a tidy sum of money.

Now, the issue was it took her some time to acquire this money.

But she did pay it back five minutes late, didn’t she?

Yeah, what’d he do? Cut their arm off.

Fuckin’ hell! Yeah.

He said she owed him a finger for every minute.

(stifled laughter) Oh.

Anyway, he’s not a monster.

He didn’t make her sit through it five times.

He just cut once, didn’t he?

(zip tie whizzes) Ow.

This is too easy.

Maria: You’re over thinking it.

You’re under thinking it. It’s not a word.

Yes, it is. Really?

I think it is. Did you Google it?

Ladybug: Doesn’t matter.

Maria: What would Barry say?

Barry would say, “a negative outlook leads to a negative outcome.”

Maria: Wow. How much do you pay him again?

Tangerine: Our job is to keep you safe and to recover the briefcase with the ransom money inside.

And I plan on completin’ my job and keeping…

Lemon.

Lemon: Hmm?

Where’s the briefcase?

Oh, I stashed it.

The case, lemon.

Go get me the fucking case.

Hmm. You’re a liability, you know?

To my father.

Hmm?

He doesn’t need a reason to kill people like you.

He needs a reason not to.

Does he have one?

(phone buzzing)

That’s fucking confusin’.

Hello?

Alexei: Do you have White Death’s son?

What, you mean this dickhead with the silly face tattoos?

Yeah, he’s sat right here. And the briefcase?

Yes, of course, I’ve got the case.

Alexei: You will both deboard at Kyoto station.

(muffled) Damn it! Then your business with him will be concluded.

(phone line beeping)

(chiming over speakers)

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

It was just here.

Well, it’s not anymore.

We need to find the person who took that case.

Ladybug: Maybe you’re right.

Maybe my luck is starting to turn.

(chiming over speakers)

(man speaking Japanese over speakers)

(grunts)

♫ Social reject, isolated ♫

(over earbud) ♫ come close ♫

(Kimura groans)

♫ Suffocate me ♫

♫ unlocked my front door ♫

♫ I want more ♫

♫ face down my mouth on the fucking floor ♫

(Kimura groaning)

♫ Hurt me, I’ll hurt back ♫

♫ just like this just like that… ♫

You.

Yes.

Me. (music continues muffled)

But you are yuichi kimura.

And you came here to kill me.

(Kimura sighs) My parents call me…

(speaking Russian)

That means “little prince.”

Obviously, they wanted a boy.

You’re going to want to hear the whole story, or you’ll be very… Very sorry.

(phone buzzing)

(whispering) It’s the hospital.

Hang on.

Hi.

Yes, you can see the boy now.

Good. If you don’t hear from me every ten minutes or if I don’t answer this phone when you call…

I want you to go in there and kill…

I’m sorry, what’s your boy’s name again?

Wataru.

Right. Right.

Kill wataru.

(scoffs)

Aren’t we glad we waited?

We got his son. That was our job.

Our job was to come back with his son and his $10 million.

Three words describe our situation right now.

Do you know what they are?

Sure do: Saved his son.

Hmm?

Family’s more important than money, right?

Do you honestly not know who the White Death is?

Yeah, I know the White Death.

You just told me five minutes ago.

He cuts off arms, puts them…

Why do I even bother forwarding you the briefings?

I do not know.

(sighs heavily)

The Japanese underworld used to be ruled by a man named minegishi.

(man singing in Japanese)

Now, minegishi was one brutal bastard.

But he was old-school, you know?

Tradition and loyalty was all that mattered to him.

When you were in, you were in.

You were like family.

He treated you like you were one of his own.

Then out of the blue comes this 6-foot-fucking-6 geezer from Russia.

Whispers that he was exiled from the Russian mafia or that he was ex-kgb.

No one really knows the truth.

(grunting)

But what is known is this Russian…

(grunting)

Worked his way up the ranks.

Bit by bit, kill by kill.

(yelling)

And very, very fucking quickly became one of minegishi’s closest advisors.

And those loyal to him said, “hold your horses.

This geezer ain’t the full ticket.

He ain’t to be trusted.

He’s dangerous,” they said.

“A modern plague,” they said.

“A White Death.”

(screaming)

So, sure enough, they were right.

He made his own alliance.

(explosion)

(screaming)

His own gang.

♫ ♫

(men screaming)

(swords slicing)

And what’d he do?

Stabbed him in the back.

I mean, metaphorically.

Blew his fucking brains out, didn’t he?

(gun cylinder spinning)

♫ Stabbed with a star ♫

(clicks)

♫ the hammer is on us ♫

♫ we’ll live through the dark ♫

♫ it’s evel knievel ♫

♫ it’s got to be ours… ♫

He wiped the name minegishi off the face of the earth in one single night.

And made an empire worthy of the White Death.

(gunshot)

(song ends) (inhales sharply)

(exhales)

So, let me put this bluntly.

There’s this soulless psychotic leader with the largest criminal organization on the planet shoved right inside our fucking ass cheeks.

That motherfucker’s definitely a diesel, then, isn’t he?

If you mention Thomas the tank engine one more time, I’m gonna shoot you in the fucking face.

Okay, okay, if-if he’s such a badass, how come he hired two random operators instead of getting his son back himself? Mm-mm.

‘Cause if you actually read the briefings, you’d know that he had a wife.

What, he had a wife? Yes.

She was the most important thing in his life, and she died. (machine flat lining)

Drunk driving accident or some shit.

(tires squealing)

And now he’s at the compound and he ain’t left since.

An unnamed locomotive might say there’s a lesson to be learned. Listen, and he didn’t hire two random operators, lemon.

No, he asked for the best.

He asked for the two responsible for the Bolivia job.

(chain saw buzzing)

(Tangerine grunting)

(sighs)

(thunder crashing)

Tangerine: He asked for pros who wouldn’t fuck up.

Three words, lemon.

We are… Fucked.

(whooshing)

What do you want?

People think that I’m just some young girl.

Someone’s future wife, or…

(scoffs)

Future mother.

But I’m not in someone else’s story.

You’re all in mine.

The fuck does that have to do with me?

You work for the most feared boss in the city; The White Death.

Oh, deny it all you want.

But you work for someone who works for someone else, et cetera, et cetera, and it all falls under the same person.

You delivered a briefcase two days ago to one of the White Death’s associates…

(camera shutter clicking)

And I saw my opportunity.

Follow the case and find the White Death.

Don’t know what you think I can do for you.

Oh, that is my favorite part of the story.

You’re going to kill him for me.

How the fuck am I going to kill the White Death?

You’ll see.

Oh, look at that.

We are right on schedule.

Sit back, relax a little bit.

You look so tense.

(Momonga Chef speaking Japanese on TV)

(Momonga on TV) Momomon.

♫ ♫

We rescued his fucking son, huh?

We find the fucker who took the briefcase, make things right, be like it never happened. Never happened.

(inhales deeply)

You still got that vest on ya?

Oh, no, vests give you a false sense of security.

You might, like, get shot in the neck.

Yeah, it also stops you from getting shot in the chest, but I guess you missed that episode of Thomas, did ya?

I really must’ve, because that sounds dark as shit.

Nut up or shut up, bruv.

(punk rock version) ♫ I’m forever blowing bubbles ♫

♫ pretty bubbles in the air ♫

♫ they fly so high ♫

♫ they nearly reach the sky… ♫

Tangerine: Well, so, slight change of plans.

Ho! Oh!

(music slows, fades)

First his wife, now his son?

That’s a lot of white deaths.

(sighs)

(clucking)

♫ ♫

I want you to be strong, son. Do you understand?

Sí.

Be strong.

(song continues in Spanish)

♫ ♫

(grunting)

(howling)

(song continues in Spanish)

(inaudible dialogue)

♫ ♫

(man shouts in Spanish)

(song continues in Spanish)

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(guests cheering)

¡Felicidades!

(cheering continues)

(glasses clink)

My heart.

(Wolf shouts in Spanish)

♫ ♫ (inaudible dialogue)

(muffled screaming under music)

(music stops) (people screaming)

(coughing, retching)

(violent retching)

No!

(distant howling)

(phone rings)

Find me The Son of a bitch who did this.

♫ ♫

(song continues in Spanish)

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(grunting)

(music stops)

(breathing heavily)

You lucky son of a bitch.

You stabbed me?

(Wolf yelling)

You ruined my life.

I don’t even know you!

(Wolf yelling)

I come here for revenge.

The assassin who killed El saguaro

killed my wife. (grunts)

But fate made this a two for one special.

Ooh!

(grunts)

(choking)

Can we just take a time-out here?

Talk this out?

I will never stop coming for you.

What?

Run as far as you like.

I will find you.

Why?

And I will ruin your life the way you ruined mine.

Dude, I don’t even know you!

(both grunt)

(grunts)

(pants)

(groans)

(panting)

My heart.

(bones crack)

(Ladybug gasps)

What the…?

Wow.

Really?

Let this be a lesson in the toxicity of anger.

Venezuela, Uruguay,

Barcelona.

(clattering)

(sighs)

(whispering) Who are you?

Mmm.

(grunts)

(chiming over speakers)

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

(grunts)

(woman continues speaking Japanese over speakers)

(woman over speakers) All passengers;

We’ll make a brief stop at shin-Yokohama…

Lemon: All right, mate, try these.

Tangerine: Huh? They’re them Momonga glasses.

Tangerine: The fuck is a Momonga?

(female Momonga singers)

♫ Momomon! ♫

Comes on after Thomas every Thursday. Okay.

Oh, sh…

Okay. It’s good.

Just like that. He should look asleep, you know.

There, like that. Like that? Right.

(crunching)

Uh…

(sighs)

Mmm.

Wasabi. (chiming over speakers)

We gotta make sure he doesn’t step a foot off this train.

You see the case, deal with whoever has it.

All right, how do I do that?

Talk to him, or, like, talk to him?

I don’t know, why don’t you tell him about the story about how Gordon met Percy and how Percy’s now bleeding from his fucking eye sockets!

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

He means kill him.

(woman over speakers) All passengers; We’ll make a brief stop at shin-Yokohama.

Fuck. Damn it.

(man speaking Japanese over speakers)

Well, excuse me.

You are fuckin’ excused.

(woman gasps)

Arigatou.

(cartoon voices singing in Japanese over speakers)

Konnichiwa.

(Lemon sighs)

(helicopter passing overhead)

Joburg.

(gunshot echoes)

(Momonga mascot speaking Japanese)

(high-pitched squeaking)

(grunts) I’m sorry, buddy.

(high-pitched grunting) (grunts) Give…

Give it!

(squeaking)

(high-pitched yelp)

(Ladybug grunts)

(high-pitched grunt)

Ah… shit balls.

That wasn’t a minute.

(Ladybug sighs)

(sighs)

(phone beeps)

I missed my stop.

Maria: Why?

Because god hates me.

No, she doesn’t.

Do you still have the case?

Yeah, I stashed it.

Get off at the next stop.

Ah, it sounds so easy when you say it.

Does the name El cigarillo mean anything to you?

♫ ♫

El saguaro? The cartel boss?

Yeah, why does that sound so familiar?

He was in the wedding you infiltrated in Mexico.

Tequila?

You were the cocktail server.

(timer ticking)

(timer dings) The groom.

I knew I recognized that guy.

I’m really good with faces.

Wait, what guy?

Sorry. Be right back.

The guy who stabbed me. I spilled wine on his suit.

He’s dead now. Maria: You killed the wolf?

It was an accident.

I’m really gonna have to process my part in the incident on Monday.

Shit. Fuck! No.

Maria: Shit fuck what?

Ladybug: Remember those two wackos from the Bolivia job?

Killed all those people?

Maria: The twins?

Yeah, I’m not so sure they’re twins.

Stop it. Everyone knows they’re twins.

Well, one of them is walking towards me right now.

I think I saw the other on the platform.

Maria: Well, now we know Occupied.

Who the owners of the case are.

(whispering) See, this is exactly what I’m talkin’ about.

We have to have a hard discussion about the caliber of people we are surrounding ourselves with.

Maria: (whispering) Why are we whispering?

(phone buzzing)

(sighs)

(phone beeps)

Hello.

Alexei: The white death would like to know why you stepped off train.

Tangerine: Wanted some fresh air.

Alexei: Your orders were to stay on the train.

I didn’t realize I was gettin’ a babysitter to come cut my bollocks.

I’m a professional.

We’re making sure the case…

(train whistle toots)

And his son are perfectly safe.

Can I please go do my job now?

If something has gone wrong… Oh, very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

(phone beeps)

Fuck me! Jesus Christ.

It’s very rude, talking on the phone, on the train. In Japan.

This rude enough for ya, ya fucking prick?

Shove that fuckin’ hat up your fuckin’ asshole, you hear me?

(mouthing)

Fuck this job.

I knew we should’ve got an upgrade, fuck all.

I beg your pardon, sorry. I…

(inhales deeply)

Wasn’t aware there was a young lady present. Apologize.

Yeah, you didn’t happen to see someone come by with a silver briefcase, did ya?

There’s a little train sticker by the handle.

(inhales) Actually, yeah.

Um, a man with black framed glasses had it.

He went that way.

(breathes deeply)

Thank you, love.

Tangerine: That fucking bastard.

Come on.

(phone buzzing)

Lemon: “Guy in black glasses. Stop him.”

Hi.

There’s a gun under this… (Lemon shushing)

(quietly) Whoa. This is the quiet car.

Gotta use your small inside voice in here, son.

(whispering) There’s a gun underneath this table pointed right at you, so I would…

I can’t really hear what you’re saying.

There’s a gun…

(woman shushing)

(chuckling)

I’m just fuckin’ with you, mate.

(chuckles)

It’s been a long time since Johannesburg.

(helicopter whirring)

(dog barking)

Yeah. Who the fuck are you?

Really? You don’t remember me?

(helicopter passing overhead)

You look like every white homeless man I’ve ever seen.

Okay.

Well, I have something I believe you’re looking f…

Really? You don’t remember me? I’m sorry, mate.

Huh? I remember Johannesburg, but I don’t remember you.

All right? You shot me.

(grunts)

I shoot a lot of people. You shot me twice.

Ow!

Well, you also have a shoot able face.

I know you’re black framed glasses.

The cheeky fucker who took our briefcase.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Hmm.

You know, I’ve done a lot of personal work since joburg. Oh.

I’ve forgiven, I’ve moved on.

I’ve learned that with any potential conflict there’s an opportunity for growth, a path to a peaceful outcome.

Prince: Interesting.

Kimura: Who is that?

I have no idea.

How did you know that was there?

(grunts, sighs)

Didn’t I mention?

I’ve always been lucky.

(loud clank)

It was then that I took a long, hard look into the mirror.

And you know what?

(Lemon exhales sharply)

Buddy, I didn’t like what I saw.

Nope. Nada.

Lemon: Mm.

Until I did.

You know? Mm.

Between us now sits a wall.

Lemon: Mm-hmm.

But it’s an illusion.

For within every wall, uh, awaits a window…

Oh, wait, it’s-it’s a door.

Real quick, um, every day is a fucking headache with you, innit?

Right. (clears throat)

You and your partner…

Look, I’m lemon, he’s tangerine.

Okay, lemon… like the fruit?

Blessings.

Mm.

What’s your plan here? Here’s the plan.

I give you back your case, you don’t kill me.

You give your case to your employer, he doesn’t kill you.

You’re alive, I’m alive, everyone’s happy.

Win-win, don’t you think?

How do you know whoever hired you won’t kill you for failing your job?

Lose-lose. No happy.

Man, I just want to get off this train, go see a zen garden and some shit, you know?

I’d like to accept your offer.

Great. But then you went and killed someone.

Didn’t you?

How did you know…?

Wasn’t exactly subtle.

Uh, it-it was an accident.

(chuckling) Tragic.

Bizarre, even. That’s a…

Cool story, bro, but, um, I think you had your own plans of getting out of here with that case.

No, no. Pinning a body on us.

Hoping the White Death is so busy cuttin’ off our arms instead of cuttin’ off our fingers.

It’s like Thomas the Tank Engine always says; “Simple is better.”

The kids’ show?

Yes, the fucking kid… Man…

I learned everything about people from Thomas.

Everything. Really?

That’s how I can read people like you so well, and you are a diesel. Huh.

I am not a diesel.

You’re the diesel-est diesel that ever fuckin’ diesel-ed not even close.

That I’ve ever seen in my life, man.

‘Cause diesels bluff, they go too far.

Man, I’m trying to get diesels out of my life, you know?

If there was a gun under this table, yeah, I’d be as dead as that kid over there.

Hmm?

(gasps, muffled shout)

(grunting)

(groans) Ooh.

(Lemon grunts)

(shushing)

(scoffs quietly)

Mm-mm. Uh-uh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No-nope.

(grunts)

(both grunting)

You mother…

(both straining)

Oh!

(grunting) Have the courage to listen.

(yells) (shushes)

(panting)

(hums, whistles) (chuckles)

(groans quietly)

(yelling)

(growling)

(inhales sharply) Come on, joburg.

No.

Shot number three.

(both straining)

(gasps)

♫ ♫

(gasps)

(music playing) (high-pitched chuckle)

Tangerine: No, no, no. I ain’t got the time or the Patience, let alone the interest.

(low) Fucking hell. (high-pitched squeaking)

Are you following me? Stop!

(high-pitched squeal)

Asshole. (high-pitched) Ow.

(grunting)

(choking)

(cries out) (grunts)

(gasping rapidly)

(grunts)

(woman shushes)

(whispering) I’ll call the conductor!

Eat a bag of dicks, lady.

(woman gasps)

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I’m-I’m working on it.

(whimpers quietly)

(fizzing)

(sighs)

(grunts)

I’m not a diesel, you’re a diesel.

♫ ♫

(phone buzzes)

(phone clicks)

(grunts)

Ow! (woman shushing)

(whooshing)

(whispering) There’s another body here.

Maria: Of course there is. Not my fault.

And I believe it’s The Son of the White Death.

Did the twins I.D. you? Did you hear what I said?

White Death. Death. Death.

(gunshot)

Snatch and grab, my ass.

There’s someone else doing a job on this train.

Maria: The twins. We know that.

Again, not twins.

Loonies but not twins.

(thunder rumbles)

They’re here for the kid, but somebody killed the kid.

(sighs) The guy with the knife.

Maria: The wolf.

(howling)

He said he came here for revenge.

He just happened to run into me, because of course he did.

Now, get this.

The kid was poisoned in the same way as El sbarro was at the wedding.

Maria: It’s El saguaro.

The same killer?

Yeah.

I’m like MacGyver.

(snake hissing)

Fuck!

(news theme plays)

All of Japan is in terror. because a poisonous snake was stolen.

Boom slang snakes. Have a very strong poison.

Zookeeper: When they bite. It can cause internal bleeding… and bleeding from holes in the body.

Oh, shit.

Maria: What are you doing?

What’s wrong?

Fuck this, man.

Fuck carver. (door opens)

Shit.

(Lemon groans)

Oh, thank god.

For a minute there…

Jesus Christ, you had a bit of a bosh, pal.

(Lemon muttering groggily)

Tangerine: All right.

Five stations to Kyoto.

Better get tickety-boo.

(Tangerine mutters)

Would you describe me as someone who lives in perpetual anxiety?

Maria: No, no.

Ah, fuck nuts.

And if it wasn’t clear, I meant “yes.”

The conductor. I don’t have a ticket.

Not sure that’s your biggest concern.

You don’t understand.

This guy’s like criss-fuckin’-angel.

He pops up everywhere.

He slows me down, tangerine catches me, I am dead.

Dead. Dead…

Hold on.

Hey, bro. (whistles)

Want to make an easy 200 bucks?

Is this like a… Like a sex thing?

Nope.

(chuckles) Oh, okay. I was… I was kidding.

Uh, yeah, what’s up?

What do you need, bro?

(door whirring, thumping)

(clanging)

(toy squeaks)

Toy: Momomon!

(gunshot)

(exhales heavily)

All right, game’s up, big boy.

Where is the case?

Tell me, and I promise I’ll only shoot you enough…

Whoa, whoa, um…

Is-is this the sex stuff?

(firecrackers popping)

(people exclaiming)

(man shouting)

Twat!

Shit.

I-I do love an accent.

(people murmuring)

(people exclaiming)

Come on.

Oops.

Picture it.

Picture what?

Well, the man.

Watching your son.

I wonder how he’ll do it.

Maybe a pillow to the face.

Or maybe something clever.

Like an air bubble in the iv.

(Kimura sighs)

No, no. You hold onto it.

The innocent young girl act doesn’t really get you very far if you’re holding a loaded gun.

(phone buzzing)

(Kimura speaks Japanese)

Put it on speaker.

(phone beeps)

Father.

Yuichi?

Why did you leave the hospital?

Be honest.

Who’s there with you?

I found out who pushed Wataru off that roof.

Did you go to the authorities?

I wanted to handle it myself.

My son.

You can’t control what fate has in store for us.

Father.

I’m sorry.

(phone beeps)

Prince: We’re not finished.

You’re going to sit here and you’re going to go through every combination until you open up that case.

Kid, that could take f…

No, no. It won’t.

I’d start with the low numbers.

Just a thought.

(Kimura stammers)

♫ ♫

(grunts)

(grunts) Fuck me!

(gasping)

There he is. He-he got by me.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

(Lemon groans)

Tangerine: Well, I guess our best option now is, uh, bring the White Death the man who killed his son.

Yeah, but glasses didn’t do it.

I could give a rat’s ass. No, I’m telling you.

I read him. He’s not the type, mate.

Uh, I’ll tell you what, do you like your arms?

You know I like my arms.

Well, then someone’s got to take the blame, don’t they?

(phone buzzing)

That’s you or me? You or me?

(chiming over speakers)

Shit, that asshole stole my phone.

You kidding. And my gun, Lucille.

Oh, come on. That’s my favorite gun.

Son of a bitch. Fuck about…

(phone beeps) Right, what?

Alexei: Step off the train at the next stop with the briefcase and The Son.

Well, hang on, didn’t we say Kyoto?

You will still depart at Kyoto.

The White Death wants to make sure you are being honest about situation.

Well, this is a waste of our t…

(phone line beeping)

All right, all right.

We just have to prove we have a case we don’t have and a live son instead of a dead one.

What are you thinking?

The ol’ punch and Judy?

The ol’ punch and Judy.

(gun racking rhythmically to music)

(tamio okuda vocalizing)

♫ Kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

♫ kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

You were all told to exit the train.

Tangerine: Yeah?

Well, unlike you, I’m a professional.

I wanted to make sure it weren’t some yakuza trap, but clearly not.

It’s some fuckin’ ’80s dance-off, innit?

Where is your twin?

Tangerine?

I’m tangerine.

Lemon’s keepin’ the case safe.

And the White Death’s son?

Yeah, he’s there.

(window squeaking)

Lemon: Wave to your fuckin’ fans, Princess.

He’s a fuckin’ happy chappy, isn’t he?

But, uh, I’ve gotta pop on the train, you know, ten seconds left, so ta-ra.

We’ll stick to the plan, depart in Kyoto.

Do us a favor, get the fuck off my back, will ya?

(musical chiming)

♫ Yeah… ♫

(whooshing)

(sighs heavily)

(breathing heavily)

Okay.

Okay.

Whoa!

(man speaking Japanese over speakers)

Lemon: Okay.

(breathes deeply)

Okay. (door opens)

I mean, that couldn’t have gone better.

Yeah, let’s hope they buy it.

We need to find that glasses twat, like, right to the fuck now.

(sniffs, grunts loudly)

I’m gonna go up, you go down, double back when you’re done.

If you see him, fucking deal with him.

Yeah? Yeah.

(sighs heavily)

Up is…? That way. Towards Tokyo.

Right. Departing trains are always moving down.

And, look, be careful.

Something else is going on here. Yeah?

Yeah, I still feel like there’s a diesel lurking about.

I swear to god, what’d I say?

What did I say?

I said I’ll fucking shoot you in…

Shoot me in the face. Yeah. That’s right.

Thomas still taught me how to see people, read them for real.

Yeah.

And I’m never wrong, am I?

No.

Glasses, he is not our guy.

Okay.

You shoot first and come up with the answers later.

(water bottle sloshing)

(sniffs)

I always do.

And, lemon?

Yeah, man?

You be careful, too.

(clicks tongue)

Oh, man, when this train’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’, right?

(whooshing)

(frantically muttering in Japanese)

♫ ♫

(continues muttering)

(breathing heavily)

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ I’ll make you cry ♫

♫ I make a girl cry make a girl cry ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ I’ll make you cry ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ ♫

Ladybug: Ah, seven more minutes and I am off this train.

Maria: Are you hiding in a bathroom?

Yeah. Have you tried these smart toilets?

They’re… a pleasure to the senses.

If I had one in the chamber, I would rock this bad boy right now.

Boundaries. We need boundaries.

(Kimura speaks quietly in Japanese)

(latches click) Holy shit.

Holy shit.

(door opens)

Whoa there. (laughs)

Oh, look at that.

I knew my luck would rub off on you.

(sighs)

Kimura: Fuck.

What the fuck are you doing?

I am doing the same thing that I did to the gun in your hand.

(trilling beeps)

I’m just making things interesting.

I’m hedging my bets, you could say.

Fuck.

Prince: If the gun doesn’t kill him, the case will.

This thing could have blown up in my hand at any point.

Prince: No. No.

It’s inert unless you fire it.

But don’t fire it, you know what I mean? (chuckles)

Unlike what I put in this briefcase here.

This is very…

(beeping)

Well, this is not inert at all.

This is…

(Kimura groans)

Did you know that there have been 31 attempts on the White Death’s life from within his own organization?

Each one, he executed with their own weapon.

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

(Kimura grunts quietly)

Kimura, I brought you here to fail.

You push my son off a roof.

Right. Bring me to this train, frame me as an assassin, here to kill the White Death, and use my gun that will blow up in his face?

Very good.

Very, very good.

It’s a stupid plan.

It is…

A brilliant plan.

(automated voice speaks Japanese)

(knocking on door)

Ladybug: Occupied.

Maria: You remember that mob surgeon that died mid-heart operation? (beeps)

Ladybug: Yeah, he had a stroke, right?

No, that was the official cover. He was poisoned.

The assassin goes by the name of the hornet.

(screaming) Oh, my god!

(beeps)

(automated voice speaks Japanese)

Maria: He used boom slang snake venom.

It congeals the blood, making you bleed out of every orifice.

If the antidote isn’t administered within 30 seconds, you’re dead.

Fun fact; The same poison that was used on…

El sagardo.

It’s El saguaro.

What is the hornet doing on this train?

Well, whatever deal was made, it wasn’t done through the normal channels.

There’s something else going on here.

(knocking on door)

(woman in Japanese) It’s still occupied, lady.

(scoffs)

The wolf must have figured out who the hornet is, came here for revenge for his wife, his boss, came here to whack the hornet.

Maria: Oh, my god, did you just say “whack”?

I did. I’m bringing it back.

No, it needs to stay where it was.

If I can figure out who the hornet is, I can give him to lemon and tangerine so they don’t whack me.

Really? Se… you see what I did there?

You’re really proud of yourself, aren’t you?

(knocking on door)

Geez, they’re usually so polite here.

Lady, I’m so…

(beeping rapidly)

Oh.

That’s cool.

Come here, you…

(cries out)

Bastard!

(both straining)

Come here, you-you dirty fucking scum!

(grunting)

♫ ♫

Ah, you bastard.

(grunting)

Ladybug: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait.

I know who killed the kid.

I couldn’t give a rat’s ass.

Where’s my fucking case?

♫ ♫

(door opens)

(song stops)

(woman speaks Japanese) Yeah.

Oh.

(speaking Japanese)

Oh, I’m so sorry. Excuse me.

(rustling)

(speaking Japanese)

Oh, no, thank you. We’re okay.

Oh, I-I would love a bottle of water.

(bottles clinking)

(speaking Japanese)

You know what? Do you have, um, anything sparkling?

With bubbles? Hai.

That’s the one. Thank y…

Domo a rig a to.

(woman speaks Japanese)

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Bro, I just remembered I gave all my money to that guy to wear my h-hat and glasses.

Could you?

(Ladybug gulps, sighs)

How much for the bottle of water, love?

(speaks Japanese)

(Ladybug sighs heavily)

Oh, there. No, you’re welcome.

(speaking Japanese)

Yeah. A thousand yen.

That’s ten quid for that bottle of water, mate.

Mmm.

(speaking Japanese) Mm.

Ta-ra.

Domo a rig a to.

Mmm.

You sure you don’t want to talk this out?

Not particularly, no.

(sighs) Okay.

(song resumes)

(Tangerine yelling)

You fucking bastard! Fucker!

Come here, you little fuck!

(Ladybug grunting)

(straining) I know who killed the kid.

Tangerine: Yeah? Where the fuck is he, then?

He’s on this train.

Oh, well, that narrows it down, then, don’t it?

(grunts)

Let go! Get off!

(train horn blows) (bells clanging)

(whooshing)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(strained grunting)

(phone buzzing)

You gonna get that?

No.

Ladybug: You probably ought to get that.

(buzzing continues)

It could be important.

Oh, okay, maybe it’s important.

Fucking hell.

Come here.

(Ladybug groans)

(phone beeps) Yeah, what do you want?

Alexei: The White Death says to get off at next stop holding the briefcase or he will kill everyone on that train.

Okay, yeah, I can make it, but, uh, lemon, he’s a little tied up right now.

Both of you this time, with the case, or everyone dies.

Fuckin’ paranoid, this lot.

You don’t happen to have the case on you, do ya?

No.

Yeah, I don’t think I’d reach lemon in time anyway.

You still got his phone.

Do you have a gun on ya?

Don’t like ’em.

Well…

(chiming over speakers) Game’s up, mate.

For what it’s worth, you seem like a right fucking asshole and I’m glad you’re gonna fucking die with me.

That’s nice.

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

(groans)

Just curious. Yeah?

Do they even know what lemon looks like?

Wow.

You two do look like twins, huh?

Yeah, okay. We got the case, now what?

You still take the train to Kyoto station.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay. We can do that. Wonderful.

Alexei: Hey.

Have you opened the case? Tangerine: No, of course not.

Do you know what? I never asked for the combination.

You know what I mean? Keep it safe that way.

Ladybug: Yeah.

(bad English accent) So no one gets greedy.

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

(musical chiming)

♫ ♫

(whooshing)

(groans) I know, I know.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I-I have this bad luck thing, and I hit the thing oh, is that what you call it?

And it went… (groans) So why the… what was that?

Why did you even bother trying?

I was trying to sell it. I was selling it.

Well, I don’t think they were in the market for fucking dildos and pantyhose, were they?

Ah, but… They were buying it.

They were…

(groans) I was… I had ’em.

(sighs)

Kimura: You proved you’re smarter than everyone.

You’ve won, kid.

Please.

Please, kid.

Call your man.

I’ll do what you want.

Just…

Leave my son alone.

Your son.

Do you know how easy it was to get him to follow me up onto that roof?

Didn’t think it would take you three hours to even realize your son was missing.

You’re a terrible father, and your son is going to pay for all the mistakes that you’ve made.

You don’t know anything about life.

How hard it is.

You’re just…

Some spoiled girl who breaks their toys when mommy says she has to pick up.

(door opens)

Sorry. Pardon me, I don’t mean to interrupt what’s, uh, going on here, but, uh, you wouldn’t happen to have seen a tiny white prick with a pair of glasses come through here, have you?

(sighs) No.

What about a silver case with a train sticker by the handle? You seen that?

It’s not ringing any…

Uh, uncle kimura, have you seen a silver briefcase with the, uh, train…

Did you say “train sticker by the handle”?

Yeah. On the handle…

That’s unique. It had a train sticker.

No, I haven’t seen anything like that.

I think I’d remember.

Hmm. (shakes bottle)

I’m s… “Uncle kimura”?

Yeah. Y… right.

Are you okay? That’s… (coughs quietly)

Oh, yeah. Never shave on a bullet train, you know what they say.

Well, couldn’t hurt to ask, you know?

I’m just gonna keep following him.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it’s all right.

Go for it. Pardon me, “uncle kimura.”

You guys, take care.

Just one thing, though.

Uh, most people…

Most people assume “suitcase,” you know, ’cause it’s a train, overnight and all.

But you… You said “briefcase.”

I never said “briefcase.”

I think…

(exhales)

I found my diesel.

You know what’s waiting for us in Kyoto.

Tangerine: Mm-hmm. (chiming over speakers)

We should just get off this train. Now.

If you think I’m stepping off this train without lemon or the case, you must be mistaken.

Okay. Well, the case is in the first-class lounge.

It’s behind the bar, it’s in a trash can.

It’s yours.

Me, I’m getting off.

I’m gonna go find a temple and reevaluate my choices or something.

Ooh, that sounds very lovely, but here’s the deal.

I still need a fall guy.

(chiming over speakers)

(sighs) Shit.

(sputters lips)

You need a fall guy. Yeah.

No, I understand. I-I get it.

(both sighing heavily)

It’s a bit of a conundrum, really, ’cause, you know, I’m thinking, “do I hand him back in one piece or do I chop you up into little pieces and stuff you inside a fucking Momomon or not?”

That’s what’s going through my head right now.

Hmm.

Or…

Oh, what? You got a better idea, do ya?

You know, before us now is just a wall, but it’s an illusion, man.

It’s a construct.

You know, ’cause within that wall sits a window.

A window of opportunity.

Damn it, it’s a door.

It’s… (watch ticking)

Within that wall is a door.

I’m finding it very hard to follow this story.

My point is, that door is closing.

(grunts)

(musical chiming)

(laughing triumphantly)

(yelling)

Now the only question is; Which one is the diesel, which one is the duck? “The duck”?

It’s a kids’ show.

Thomas the train engine. Close.

Thomas the tank engine.

Please, mister.

This… this man, he kidnapped me, and he said that he’s going to hold me for ransom.

(quiet sobs)

I’m sorry. I get captivated by white-girl tears.

Bravo. Common sense tells me that this old, shaky geezer here is the one in charge, but I’m really good at reading people, and something tells me you are just not fucking right.

(smacks lips)

So… let’s see here.

I mean, I can’t shoot you both.

Then I get no answers.

You know what, how about this? I’m sure you’ll love this.

We’re gonna play a little game.

Huh? If you want to play a game, put both your hands up.

Perfect. I knew you would like this.

You’re gonna close your eyes, and I’m gonna count to three.

And whichever one of you is in charge, you’re gonna raise your hand, and whichever one isn’t, you point at who is.

Now, if you both raise your hands or you both point at each other, I know you’re both liars, and the truth ain’t in ya, and then I’ll fucking shoot you both. Ready?

You-you said you couldn’t kill us both.

You’d get no answers.

I did say that, didn’t I? Yes.

Sometimes you gotta shoot first

and come up with answers later.

One.

Prince: Or if I don’t answer this phone when you call…

Lemon: Two.

Prince: Kill wataru.

Lemon: Three.

(gunshot echoing)

(muffled breathing)

(gasps)

Am I dreaming?

(Carmen maki singing in Japanese)

♫ ♫

(Kimura groaning)

(exhales) Sorry, mate.

Not your lucky day.

(groaning)

(sighs)

Prince: I have a wire i-in my bag, and I-I think that we could use it to-to lock the door from the outside.

It was so scary.

He said that if I didn’t do what he said, or if I yelled or anything, that he would do awful, awful things to me.

Then why didn’t you use this, then?

(stammers)

Yeah, he kidnapped ya and, uh, gave you his gun to hold, right?

Easy. No, no, no, no. You see, he… no, um…

I… please.

I don’t know how to use a gun.

I don’t know.

Please. Fuck me. You are fucking…

You are really good.

You sure you didn’t study?

I mean, you’re not even afraid and your lip’s quivering.

That’s a tear. That is really authentic, mate, like…

(clicks tongue) You’re the diesel.

I gotta kill ya. (laughs) I’m just…

Please, I’m just a kid. Please.

How do you do that?! I’m not…

(gun cocks) I’m not…

It’s really unbelievable.

Please. Please.

You…

You are…

(mumbles)

(pants)

I got, um…

It’s fucking… You stay right there.

Did you…? What the fuck is happening?

(panting)

Everyone loves lemons.

(whooshing)

(muffled screaming)

Fucking die!

♫ ♫

I’m glad you enjoyed the performance.

(groggily) How did you do that?

I’m not sure.

Just lucky, I guess.

Tell tangerine that…

Tell tangerine…

Tangerine…

He’s gone.

Tangerine is gone.

(whooshing)

Getting off this train.

I’m getting that case, and that’s it.

(phone buzzing)

(phone beeps)

Hello?

(The Elder speaking Japanese over phone)

Uh, it looks like yuichi lost his phone on the bullet train.

You can pick it up at Kyoto station, though.

Kyoto… There’s this find my phone app.

(beeping rapidly) Oh.

Surprisingly accurate.

Bye.

(whooshing)

(groaning quietly)

(sniffs, exhales)

(to self) God, he’s got a great walk.

(sighs)

(beeping)

Ladybug: Mr. Wolf.

So you came to kill the hornet.

(faint howling)

What happened?

(wind blowing, papers rustling)

Are you okay?

Fuck, that thing is hot.

(wind blowing)

(exhales)

(high-pitched) Momomomo.

♫ ♫

Momomon. Go.

Mom on. No. Lea…

Momomon.

(high-pitched squealing)

(The Son choking)

(retching violently)

The pastry chef.

♫ ♫

Oh.

You stole my snake, bitch.

(snake hissing)

That was your…

We should really call the authorities ’cause someone… (hornet yells)

(both grunting)

Take that, punk!

Hey, bitch. (grunting)

One little prick from this, you know what happens?

Yes. Your blood congeals, clogging your veins.

You bleed out of your fucking eye socket.

I said yes!

(grunts)

Weak-ass bitch.

Stop. I’m taking that case.

Give it! (high-pitched yelp)

I was promised my money.

By who? Don’t know. It was all online.

(straining) They said my money was in the case.

What? Someone paid you to have the kid killed with his own ransom?

Wow. That’s dark.

That is dark as… (grunting)

Stop!

(Ladybug groans)

The hornet stings, bitch!

Lady, you can have the case.

Oh, but you’ve seen my face, bitch.

(gasps)

(gasps)

Thirty seconds before the venom does its thing.

♫ ♫

(gasps) (grunts)

(neck cracks)

Oh.

You bitch.

Oh, shit, man.

Do you have a backup?

(straining) What do you think, bitch?

(choking) Oh, shit, man.

(gasping)

You don’t have another one?

You gotta be better prepared. (coughing)

I’m mansplaining, I’m mansplaining again.

I’m sorry. It didn’t…

Uh… Can I get you something?

Uh…

(grunting) (clattering)

Uh… you don’t seem like a religious person.

(gasping)

Water? Would you… Would you like some water?

(gasping) No?

You want a blanket?

You want me to hold your hand?

(choking)

(sighs)

Karma is a bitch.

(inhales deeply)

(wire clatters)

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(somber version)

♫ I’m forever blowing bubbles ♫

♫ pretty bubbles in the air ♫

♫ they fly so high ♫

♫ nearly reach the sky ♫

♫ then like my dreams ♫

♫ they fade and die ♫

♫ fortune’s always hiding ♫

♫ I’ve looked everywhere ♫

♫ I’m forever ♫

♫ blowing bubbles ♫ (breath quavering)

♫ Pretty bubbles ♫ (clears throat)

♫ In the air ♫

♫ pretty bubbles ♫

♫ in the air ♫

(song fades)

(whooshing)

(bag crinkling)

Maria: Talk to me.

It’s my bad luck. It’s bad luck on acid.

I-I-I-I gotta get off this train.

Do you have the case?

Yes.

Are you lying on the ground in the fetal position?

(sighs)

I’m not on the ground.

You need to get up.

How do you always know what I’m doing?

Because I know you.

I could journal. I should journal.

Ladybug. Ladybug. Man.

Breathe. Deep breaths.

We’re almost there. You just need to get up.

Right.

(exhales heavily)

(inhaling deeply)

(blowing air)

♫ ooh, ooh, ooh, baby ♫

♫ sweet thang ♫ (song fades)

(phone buzzing)

(beeps)

White Death: You have been lying to me, my friend.

(grunts thoughtfully)

Well, cat’s out of the bag now, innit?

You were responsible for keeping my son safe.

For keeping my money safe.

You know, I-I don’t know a thing or two about being a parent, but you know what I would do,

being that it’s your son and your money?

I’d stop crying about your dead wife, get off your fucking lazy ass, come here and finish the job yourself.

But as we’re having a bit of a heart-to-heart, got a couple things to tell ya.

Your son’s a complete bell end and fuckin’ deserves to be bleeding out of his eye sockets.

And as for your case, I haven’t seen it since Tokyo.

And I hope someone’s fuckin’ found it, put it all on red and having a fuckin’ wonderful time.

I will meet you at Kyoto station.

Oh, how wonderful.

I can’t fucking wait.

I want to look into your eyes when I kill you and your brother.

My brother.

(crowd on TV)

♫ I’m forever blowing bubbles ♫

♫ pretty bubbles in the air… ♫

(man on TV) West Ham have taken it!

West Ham one, Chelsea nil.

(exhales)

Morning rush hour’s rolling in quite nicely.

Uh, what’s your plan, mate?

You gonna fuckin’ waltz up here and blow my brains out in front of the whole fuckin’ carriage of witnesses?

There is no one left on that train.

I know.

I bought every ticket until the end of the line.

(phone line beeping)

Tangerine: Oi.

You.

I know you.

You’re that girl, aren’t ya?

Prince: Oh, my god.

Yeah, I never forget a face, me.

I’m so happy to see you. Please help me.

Um, there’s this man, and he was holding me hostage.

He was wearing glasses, and he killed my uncle.

And he also killed this other man who, I don’t know, he just kept talking about, uh, uh, uh, t-Thomas the trains and…

Tank engine.

Uh, yeah, right. Exactly.

But he killed both of them, and then he said he was going to get away with some sort of money.

I don’t know.

I’m sorry, darling. I-I beg your pardon.

I don’t know who the fuck you are.

I’m just a girl who was supposed to get off at nagoya, and then this man, he… That was fucking ages ago.

I know, but this man, he just said that I could be a good backup plan and that a pretty girl makes a good hostage.

Yeah, well, he ain’t wrong there, but, hey, look.

Keep your fucking knickers on, all right?

Please just help me. All right, all right. Calm down.

Get off or do what the fuck you like. You’re free to go.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

It’s all right. Go on. Take…

Yeah, I don’t know what you’re doing here anyway.

Huh.

Are you okay?

Diesel.

The absolutely fucking worst.

Little shit-stirrer.

(breathes heavily)

See, lemon… god rest his soul, was the Don, and he could read people.

See them for who they really are. What?

He was right.

There’s been a diesel running up and down this train, causing all sorts of fucking havoc.

And it was you the whole fucking time, you dirty little diesel!

♫ ♫

You made lemon bleed.

And lemon never bleeds.

Oh, my god, mister!

Please help me! Ladybug.

Please! Please help me!

Bugger. You little shit.

Please! What the fuck are you doing, you bell end?!

You… Sir! Please!

(gunshot)

(train squealing)

(panting)

Oh.

(grunting)

(strained grunt)

What?

(sputters) Diesel! What?

(gurgling) You fucking bell end!

You’re a diesel.

What the fuck?

Um… (quietly) What the fuck?

He said that he was going to kill you and blame everything on you.

He also said that there’s someone waiting for us at Kyoto station.

Someone scary, who would hurt me.

No one’s gonna hurt you.

It’s okay.

We’re getting off this train.

(sighs)

(clattering)

We make the next stop, we’ll be fine.

(woman speaking Japanese over speakers)

♫ ♫

(man speaking Japanese over speakers)

Okay, kid, come o…

Kid, come on.

I can’t. My backpack is stuck.

What?

Leave it. Let’s go.

We gotta go, we gotta go. No. No, I can’t.

Right now, young lady!

No. It’s our last chance.

No. No, no, no, please come back.

(musical chiming)

(sighs) Kid, please.

Prince: I’m scared. I don’t want…

to be alone, please. (sighs)

I got it.

It’s not your fault, kid.

It’s… it’s my luck, not yours.

You got your whole life ahead of you.

Make sure you do something that brings you peace, ’cause everything else is a pain in the ass.

And if you run into a guy named carver, he’s a dick.

You can tell him I said so.

Um…

I, uh, I…

I took this. I didn’t want to leave it.

The man had it, and I thought you could probably use it to kill whoever’s waiting for us at the end of the line.

You’re not going to let me get hurt.

Be honest.

Be honest.

Who’s there with you?

Really?

Right. Uh, okay, fella.

You’re creepin’ me out, so, if you don’t mind, could you just find another seat, like, way, way, way down there?

And that way, I won’t have to tell you twice.

(scoffs) No.

You won’t.

(sighs)

(sighs heavily)

Let’s just move.

Let me grab your bag.

Ow! (snake hissing)

(screaming)

(yelling, grunting)

(screams)

Was that a snake?

Would you know where my son is?

(grunting) (beeps)

(automated voice speaks Japanese)

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow.

Ow. (grunting)

(water sloshing)

(sputtering)

Ow.

(panting)

(beeps)

(automated voice speaks Japanese)

Oh, fuck.

(phone buzzing)

(buzzing continues)

Wow. After everything.

(sighs heavily)

You are the person who pushed my grandson off the department store roof.

Why?

Your son.

He was going to help me kill the White Death at Kyoto station.

And that was the only way to get him on this train.

The White Death.

That’s right.

But he couldn’t even do that.

So he’s dead.

Just a few cars back.

They are both dead.

(monitors beep rhythmically)

(footsteps echoing)

My grandson was pushed off a roof.

What makes you think I would leave him unprotected?

(monitors beep rhythmically)

(grunting, gasping)

♫ ♫

(cries out)

(phone buzzing)

My grandson is safe.

And my son is not dead.

Listen, old man…

(gasps) The only thing you know about an old man, young lady, is that he has survived much more, and much worse, than you.

I’ll fucking kill him myself.

(door closes)

(grunts softly)

(exhales)

(sighs heavily)

Are you all right? That?

You’re not gonna believe this coincidence, but I already got a dose of antivenom in me today, so I’m good.

Probably.

The girl…

Her intentions with you were not honorable.

Yeah.

A blind man could see you are the one in the dark.

I don’t know about a blind man.

She was pretty convincing.

What did you do to her?

I did not need to do anything.

Fate will do what it wills.

(scoffs)

(Ladybug laughs quietly)

Why… Why do you laugh at fate?

(sighs)

Man, fate for me is just another word for bad luck.

And that… (exhales heavily)

That follows me around like… I don’t know, something witty.

My handler calls me ladybug.

She’s witty.

Ladybug?

Yeah.

This is very lucky, indeed.

No, she’s being ironic. She…

Ah, never mind.

I’m going to tell you a story now.

No, I’m good. It’s short.

Really, I’m fine.

No, it’s very quick.

No, no.

It’s a good story for you, I think.

I’m cool.

Here we go.

A long time ago, I made a promise to myself… that I would provide for my family no matter what it cost.

♫ ♫

I had risen to a highly coveted position within the minegishi crime family.

A man raised up to take my place.

A man from the north.

(man screaming)

(yells)

(groaning)

I asked minegishi not to trust this man.

Minegishi told me I had lost my appetite.

He was not wrong.

But neither was I.

(gun cylinder clicking)

♫ ♫

(men yelling)

(yelling)

♫ ♫

(gunshot echoes)

(grunting, panting)

(grunting in pain)

I returned home and found nothing except ash and blood.

♫ ♫

(shouting in Japanese)

(grunting)

(speaking Japanese)

(yelling)

The White Death had taken everything from me.

Almost.

(child coughing)

Yuuichi!

(panting) Yuuichi.

(grunts)

Yuuichi.

I went into hiding.

I searched for a way to strike at the White Death without endangering what I had left, but he remained forever out of reach.

I did not think

fate would ever give me a chance to make things right.

Do you know what they call a ladybug in Japan?

(grunts softly)

Ten to um us hi.

As a boy, I was told there is a spot on its back for each of the seven sorrows of the world.

You see, ten to um us hi is not lucky.

It holds all the bad luck so that others may live in peace.

I-I don’t want to hold the seven sorrows.

Everything that’s ever happened to you has led you here.

Fate.

Well, that’s a shit deal.

At Kyoto station, the White Death will arrive on this train.

I will finally be allowed to make things right.

My son is a few cars up.

If you could escort him off this train…

Yeah, I don’t see the White Death letting any of us off this train.

You let me worry about the White Death.

Okay.

(inhales deeply)

Mr. Ladybug?

(Ladybug groans)

Your briefcase.

Thank you.

♫ ♫

(whooshing)

(Kimura grunting, groans)

Ladybug: Oh, wow. Oh.

Father.

(panting)

I don’t understand.

It is fate, my son.

And Wataru?

He is safe.

(panting)

Well, he seemed like a decent guy.

He shot me.

Mm, me, too.

Twice.

Still, he had another side to him…

(gasps)

(yawns loudly)

Wow.

(yawning)

Oh.

(sighs) Oh, man.

Am I in hell?

(spits, sniffs)

Ah, fuck.

(laughs)

Eh, fuckin’ vest, man.

Oh, you drank the water.

(chain jingles)

♫ ♫

Where the fuck is my brother?

♫ ♫

♫ If you missed the train I’m on ♫

♫ you will know that I am gone ♫

(sniffles)

♫ you can hear ♫

Aw, man.

♫ The whistle blow ♫

♫ a hundred miles ♫

(Lemon sighs)

(chuckles softly)

♫ a hundred miles ♫

♫ a hundred miles a hundred miles ♫

♫ a hundred miles ♫ you…

♫ You can hear ♫

(sighs heavily)

♫ The whistle blow ♫

You were more like Thomas anyway, right?

♫ A hundred miles ♫

(Lemon breathes deeply)

(screaming)

♫ Lord, I’m one lord, I’m two ♫

♫ lord, I’m three ♫

(panting)

♫ lord, I’m four ♫

♫ lord, I’m 500 miles ♫

♫ from my home ♫

♫ 500 miles ♫

ladybug: Fellas…

We need to come up with a plan.

(pouring liquid)

You killed my brother.

You killed my brother, you piece of shit!

I ought a…

Yeah, you, you, you fucking shot me!

Hey. I’ll shoot you in the fucking throat next time, and your partner Keira knightley! Hey.

I’ll shoot the fuck out of her! Hey! Hey! Fellas.

When we are so quick to anger, we are slow to understand.

Yeah, well, I’m fast to kick your ass, though, I swear to god.

(overlapping shouting)

(grunting, yelling)

Lemon: Fucking piece of shit!

I should’ve put a bullet through your ass!

When you point a finger at someone in blame, there are four fingers pointing back at you.

Or th-three.

That’s weird. Fuck it!

That’s it! You know what I could do!

We before me! Get off! Get the fuck off me!

Lemon: You before fucking god… Gentlemen!

Get off me!

A plum does not resent the hungry man but the farmer who planted the tree.

He resents the… Resents the farmer?

So how do plum-plums have fuckin’ resentments now?

Ladybug: Oh… So how can it resent?

Listen. The White Death is the farmer.

So w-we’re the plums. We’re the plums?

Lemon: It don’t make sense.

Why are you motherfuckers using metaphors?

Look, he shot my fucking brother!

You shot my son!

We prepare together, or we die alone.

That’s all I was trying to say.

♫ ♫

The White Death waits for you with his army of assassins.

Killers from all countries.

But he has no idea my son and I are on this train.

If fate wills, I will get my revenge.

Kimura: I’ll head for the back and stop as many as I can.

Lemon: I’ll go to the driver car and get us the fuck out of here.

What are you gonna do, joburg?

I’m gonna buy us some time.

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(gunshot echoes)

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(song fades)

♫ ♫

Daughter.

Father.

♫ ♫

(rapid beeping)

Ladybug: Hey, uh, fellas, I’m looking for a Mr. Death.

Got his case here.

Hey, easy.

(groans)

(coughs)

(sighs) (blade rings)

Hurt people hurt people.

(in English) I came to see you.

Hmm.

And to make you finally see me.

The real me.

Mm.

I built myself up from the nothing you gave me.

All so I could be the one in front of you today… my finger on the trigger.

I was the one…who deserved your attention.

(spits)

Your love.

I’m more like you than that little fuck up ever was.

(prince gasps)

(chuckling)

Do it.

I came here to kill you.

So kill me.

Kill me like you did all the others who tried the same.

(laughs softly)

(breathes deeply)

Do it.

(beeping)

Fucking do it!

(yells sharply) (gasps)

Pow.

(chuckles)

(in English) I see you, dochka.

I always have.

But you have never been part of my plan.

(breathes shakily)

We found the American!

White Death: (in English) What about the others?

They’re all dead.

Uh, good news is I have your case.

Ay, good news, good news.

White Death: (in English) Check the case.

(man) Hurry. (clicks tongue)

Move. Let’s go.

Clear the train.

Lemon: All right, Thomas.

(laughs) Time for you to start up…

Oh, shit, everything’s in Japanese.

There is no episode in Japanese. What the f…

♫ ♫

(breathing heavily)

(man muffled) Get on the ground!

Man, I got a bad feeling about this.

We have no idea what’s in this case.

Man, what are you talkin’ about?

Uh, why is it always gotta be us that opens this shit?

Just open the goddamn case.

I’d like to keep my fuckin’ arms.

Uh, Mr. Death, if I may?

The shadow buyer, um, who bought all our contracts, got us all on this-this train…

Uh, me, the hornet, uh, tangerine, lemon…

Ho! Oh!

That was you, right?

Yes, very astute.

I brought you on this train hoping you’d kill each other.

Okay. Well, um…

If-if I could…

Why?

Why you do what you do?

You know, I’ve been asking that very question.

If it’s so safe, why didn’t he just open it?

What if it’s a bomb and it blows up in our faces?

You think these stupid masks are gonna protect us?

♫ ♫

(laughs softly)

All these years later… the burden of your betrayal still heavy upon your heads.

Let me relieve you of both.

My wife…

Was taken from me.

(engine revving)

I heard. I’m so sorry for your loss.

It was a horrible accident…

(laughing)

Horrible. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No.

Nothing in life is an accident.

It was an assassination attempt on me.

But fate… fate put two wet work operatives, twins, on a job in Bolivia…

Butchering my entire crew.

And I had to go deal with it.

And he didn’t hire two random operators, lemon.

No, he asked for the two responsible for the Bolivia job.

That is why it was my wife in the car that night, not me.

Fate put my wife in the hospital.

A piece of her rib piercing her heart.

Only the most skilled cardiovascular surgeon could save her life.

But two nights earlier, this surgeon was poisoned.

(screaming) Oh, my god!

Fate.

Fate again.

(machine flat lining)

(straining) They said my money was in the case.

Don’t want to sound judgmental, but if you hired the hornet, you had your own kid killed?

Oh, yes. Okay.

Oh, yes, I did. The piece of shit.

Please, please.

White Death: That night, I told her…

I want you to please pick me up.

Not to leave.

To wait for me.

But she promised it was the last time we would ever bail him out of trouble.

I will come. I will always come for you.

Well, I suppose she was right.

If I had amputated that weakness out of my life years ago, she would still be by my side!

Yeah, it helps to process this.

I-I-I have a good therapist.

I loved my wife very much.

She taught me a valuable lesson.

If you do not control your fate…

It will control you.

Mm. Mm?

So I took control.

I brought them all here to die.

♫ ♫

But now there is only one left.

Mr. Carver.

Wh…? Uh… (stammers) Excuse me?

I’m filling in for carver?

Calling in sick?

Fuck carver.

The man who murdered my wife.

Bro.

Just open it! Fine. You happy?

Ladybug: I’m not carver!

(screaming)

♫ ♫

(gurgling)

He went that way! Come…

(grunts)

(rapid gunfire)

(grunting)

(groaning weakly)

(quietly) All right.

(train banging) Oh, shit. Okay.

(automated recording repeating in Japanese)

Oh, shit. Something’s happening.

(clunking)

Oh! Oh! (laughing)

(man cries out)

(yelling)

(men shouting)

Excuse me.

(sighs) Yep.

♫ Hero… ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

(yelling, grunting) (toy squeaking)

(yelling)

(squeaking)

(screams)

(yells)

(body thuds)

♫ Hero… ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

(cries out)

(song stops abruptly)

(yells)

(body thuds)

(wind whistling)

Kimura.

Why are you here?

Your daughter.

It would seem she pushed… the wrong grandson off a roof.

Ah, children.

You do the best you can to raise them right.

Cockroach, I do not know why you are here, but move out of my way or you will join your wife.

Our paths were destined to return to each other.

(whooshing)

Okay. Right.

Fuckin’ slow down, mate.

Come on!

Hey, so far so good.

You can stop the train.

Lemon: Uh, about that. I took the velocity of the train and divided it by the mass, and I realized that I don’t know how to fuckin’ drive a bullet train!

Dude, all you do is talk about trains.

Man, Thomas is a metaphor for life, not how to actually drive… Get down!

♫ ♫

(yelling)

Shit.

♫ ♫

I got this! Stop the train!

What?!

(Lemon yelling)

Hiyah!

(Ladybug groans)

(grunting)

(metal clanging)

♫ ♫

(grunts)

♫ Stabbed with a star ♫

♫ the hammer is on us we’ll live through the dark ♫

♫ it’s evel knievel ♫

(crackling)

♫ It’s got, it’s got… ♫

(song stops abruptly) (yelling)

♫ ♫

(grunts)

(grunting)

(straining)

(grunts, chokes)

English, English, English.

English, English. Brakes!

We’re good! I got it!

No!

(yells) Hold on!

We’re on the wrong track!

(shouting)

(both yelling)

♫ ♫

Lemon: Oi, joburg! What?!

(grunts)

(growling)

I’m sorry I shot you!

Actually, it was, like, twice!

Oh.

Sorry?

You shot me twice!

(grunts)

(pained grunt)

Lemon: Oi!

(grunting)

I’m sorry I shot you twice.

Thanks, man!

That shows real growth!

(alarm beeping)

(squirting weakly)

Fuck! Fuck!

(cries out)

♫ ♫

You are not ruled by strength.

You are ruled by fear!

Fear of the one thing deep down you cannot control!

(grunts)

Fear of fate!

(grunts)

Hey, and I’m sorry about tangerine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I got another brother now.

Really?

Fuck no!

(Lemon growling)

(Lemon yelling)

♫ ♫

(flames whooshing)

♫ ♫

For old times’ sake.

(clicking)

(clicks)

Ah.

(crackles)

(clicks) (song playing in Japanese)

(crackling)

♫ ♫

(clicks)

Fuck it.

(song stops)

(train thudding)

(brakes screeching)

(coins jingling)

(clicking buttons)

♫ ♫

Lemon: Oi.

That’ll be 20.

Let’s go.

Oh, mate.

Tangerine: Yeah?

I wanted bubble milk tea.

How about a wagon wheel?

Yeah.

(high-pitched squealing)

Ho! Oh!

(fizzing)

(gunshot)

(song continues in Japanese)

(groans)

(grunts)

(gunshot)

(laughing)

(engine winding down)

A father… protects his family.

(alarm beeping)

(Ladybug yelling)

(distorted animated music playing)

(clunks)

(crackling)

(high-pitched squeaking)

(crackling)

(distorted animated music playing)

(music stops)

(metallic creaking)

(crackling)

(Ladybug grunts)

(groans in pain)

(grunts, sighs heavily)

(spits)

Huh.

Uh…

(sighs)

♫ ♫

Oh, fuck.

About your wife, I had nothing to do with that.

It’s a mistake.

I’m not carver.

I only do snatch and grab jobs.

The carver, I want the carver!

I hired the carver!

Yeah, no, he had a stomach thing, man.

I’m just filling in.

You’re filling in.

For what it’s worth, carver is a dick.

The most cunning assassin, maybe the laziest, but…

(gun clicking)

(clicking)

(groaning)

Aw, come on.

Just let it go, bro.

Do not call me “bro”!

Okay.

(grunts)

(gunshot echoing) Ladybug: Ooh.

Oh.

(groans in disgust)

Dude, did you see that?

What was that?

Dude.

It’s done.

Ladybug: Hey, about this plum.

Shouldn’t the plum give up all resentment?

Like… (rapid gunfire)

Oh, my god.

(breathlessly) It’s my luck that delivered my father’s corpse at my feet.

The narcissism on this chick.

Untreatable.

Now I am… Okay, wait, wait.

Wait. What?

What is with this fucked-up family?

You need some suggested reading, if I may.

Surviving borderline personality disorder.

What? I highly recommend it.

Now I, I am the white d…

(tires screeching)

Ladybug: What was that?

Was that kar… was that Karma?

Farewell, ten to um us hi.

Tangerine.

(Kimura grunting) (distant sirens wailing)

Whoa.

(distant sirens wailing, emergency horns honking)

(siren wailing)

Maria?

Take the gun.

Oh, my god, did you just say “whack”?

We’re almost there. You just need to get up.

Did you come to rescue me?

Did you need rescuing?

You came to rescue me.

Please don’t make me regret it.

(mouthing)

Okay, don’t. Don’t.

What’s happening to your face?

Are you, are you crying?

It’s a lot to process.

I want you to know, you are the greatest, most wonderful handler that I could ever have.

Ever. Ever. Mm. Mm.

Do you think maybe there was a little head trauma?

Maybe. Little bit, yeah.

A little light-headed. Yeah.

Need a banana?

Potassium might be good.

Have one in the car.

Hey, next time, take the gun.

Don’t listen to Barry.

Okay? Simple?

(sniffling)

(quietly) Stop it.

Shh. Stop.

You know, I think you were right about one thing.

Usually am. Come on.

Maybe it is just about how we frame it.

Like, maybe there’s no bad luck or good luck.

Maybe we’re all just agents of fate.

Ooh, nice car. Yes, it is.

Try not to bleed on it.

(crackling)

(distant sirens wailing)

Holy mol…

Oh.

Well…

How do you know it’s a bad thing?

Huh?

Really?

See what I’m doing? I do.

Turning that upside down.

I do.

This is working.

(car alarm chirps)

Yeah.

♫ One, two, three, four… ♫

Ooh. Wasabi peas.

Fate obviously didn’t want me to have that banana.

Fate did not want us to get in that car.

Maria: Well, maybe you’ve learned something after all.

Ladybug: Fate needs me to find a smart toilet.

Maria: I take that back. Can you hold it?

Ladybug: I’m ball pointing. Walk faster.

Ladybug: Okay. Yeah.

♫ That’s why I’m telling you ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate yeah, yeah ♫

♫ another day of living, yeah ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate another day of life ♫

♫ had my hand on the dollar bill ♫

♫ and the dollar bill flew away ♫

♫ but the sun is shining down on me ♫

♫ and it’s here to stay ♫

(yells, gasping)

I’m alive! I’m Ali…

Oh, fuck me. Fuck me.

(panting)

(burbling, gasping)

Come on, you fucker.

Fuck you!

♫ ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

Stop! Stop! Fucking stop!

Tangerines?

Fuck diesels.

Prince: I… I am the white d… Fuck you, diesel bitch!

(laughing)

Final curtain, huh?

Final curtain!

Take a fucking bow!

♫ Yeah, I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ another day of livin’ ♫

♫ yeah, I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ another day of life ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ said I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ celebrate ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ I want to celebrate ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate ♫

♫ I got to celebrate ♫

♫ I just want to celebrate… ♫

(song fades)

(gun racking rhythmically)

(Tamio Okuda vocalizing)

♫ Kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

♫ kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ Kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

♫ kill me, kill me kill me pretty ♫

(song continues in Japanese)

♫ ♫

(song fades out, fades back in again)

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ yeah ♫

♫ yeah ♫

(song fades)

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

(music ends)

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