[plane engine roaring]
[Bill Burr] It’s kind of a weird thing to be over 50, really starting to realize, like, how fucked up you are.
[♪ soft music playing]
Like, I thought I did standup ’cause I loved comedy. And then, what I really figured out was, like, no, that’s not why I did it. I did standup because that was the easiest way to walk into a room full of a bunch of people that I didn’t know and make everybody like me.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!
All of the way I’ve-I’ve moved through the world has-has always been like, where’s the place I have the least chance of being hurt?
[applause, cheering]
Alright, thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Alright. How are ya? How’s it going? Nice to be here. [hippie accent] Nice to be here in Seattle, man.
[wild cheering]
Alright? This is where all the progressive stuff happens.
[laughter, cheering dies down]
[normal] Jesus Christ. I went up to that Capitol Hill, the hipster area. I think I was the only guy not transitioning.
[audience laughing]
[laughs] Fucking unbelievable. Um, there’s a whole new race of people out there. Who knew? Who knew? It used to be, [angry] “You’re either gay or you’re straight! There’s, there’s no fucking in-between!” [normal] Oh yes, there is.
Oh yes, there is.
[audience laughing] I don’t pretend to pay attention. I am an old man at this point. I don’t watch the news. You know, people who watch the news fascinate me. They’re always eyebrows up and [gasping], and, like, freaking out. You’re like, “Oh, yeah, alright. “You just wanna walk around in fight-or-flight mode your whole fucking life?”
[audience laughing]
[whiny voice] “This is what’s happening! And there’s plastic! “There’s plastic in the cereal! And then it’s going into your children, and then, they’re gonna be little plastic people!” [normal] Is there any sort of solution? [whiny] “No, no, no! Just this information! [laughter] Walk around with this! Enjoy your workday!” [normal] Yeah, I don’t pay attention to shit. I don’t know what’s going on, right?
[cheering, applause]
That’s… I feel like that– I mean, I, I, I kinda know what’s going on. Like, I know Gaza Strip, that’s still going, right?
[audience laughs nervously]
[laughing] Yeah! Alright. Okay, that’s going on.
Well, did you pick a side?
[audience laughing] Well, who deserves to live more, right? I hate that shit. [nasal voice] Well, these kids, they’re– they more line up with our foreign policy than these kids over here. [normal] And it’s just, I don’t… It just– I don’t know. I don’t know.
How the fuck is war still legal in 2024?
[laughter]
Can you explain that to me? Like–
[applause] I don’t want these Oprah Winfrey applause breaks. Stop doing that. I’m just asking the question, alright? I mean, as a comedian, I can’t call a fat fuck a fat fuck anymore, alright? Even if he took my last slice of pizza and is denying it with pepperoni on his breath, I can’t be like, “You fat, man-titted cunt. I know what you did. Own up to it.” Everybody’s like, [annoying voice] “Alright, well, he took your pizza, “but that’s, like, no reason to body shame. I mean, huh?”
[laughter] [normal] It’s like, yeah, it is! I can’t get the fucking pizza back. At least I can make him feel bad about himself, right? [laughter, applause] Yeah, I’m not allowed to do that, but it’s still socially acceptable to shoot a missile in the general direction of somebody you’re upset with. [laughter] [imitates missile, screams] You’re like, “Dude, there was, like, kids over there!” This is my favorite response, “Well, you know, they’re using kids as human shields.” It’s like, “Well, you gotta work around that!” [audience laughing] Jesus Christ, if I’m mad at my neighbor, and I wanna beat shit the out of him, but he’s holding a baby, right? I wouldn’t come in and try to punch him through the baby. Eh, you go in, you know, you-you-you throw a hook.
You-You sweep the legs.
[applause] You do it on the lawn, so the baby bounces off the grass, alright? There’s fucking rules to this shit!
[audience laughing]
[laughs] I do think it’s hilarious that college kids are all freaking out, you know, fucking supporting the Palestinians. [self-righteous] “How dare the Israelis “do what our country has been doing for 20 years? “What the fuck? You don’t do that shit. We do.” [quieter laughter] [normal] Oh, you didn’t like that one, did you? That was, that was a little too close to home? Alright.
[applause]
No, I know.
We’re liberating people.
[cheering] Whatever, like I said, you don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m just living my life, man, you know? Keeping my life small. I’m just working on my home life, and, uh, it’s been working out good for me, like, right now, currently, you know? ‘Cause the relationship is alive, man, right? Currently, I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have in the 20 years that I’ve known her.
[cheering, applause]
Yeah. Yeah, I figured something out. I figured something out. Basically, what happened was a friend of mine died, right? [laughter] I’m of that age, you know? It’s starting to happen. I’m 56, right? Which, granted, this is too young to die of natural causes, but it’s not too young to drop dead, right? [audience laughing] Like, as a man, I am in my drop-dead years, which are, basically, ages 49 to about 61. You know, anything past that, you’re just looking at, like, a prolonged illness, you know? [laughter] But these are the years that men drop dead. And dropping dead is, is a uniquely male experience, right?
[laughter]
Women don’t drop dead! When’s the last time you were out to brunch and there was some woman, “Hey, let’s get a mimosa!” Just grabs her chest, face down into some tapas.
“Oh, my God! Kathy!” Right?
[audience laughing]
They don’t! Men drop dead all the fucking time. You’re out there on the golf course, some guy fucking… all of a sudden, just fucking into the shrubs. Another guy driving at you in a cart, his body just falls out the side. “What happened?” “You know what happened!” He never cried! That’s what happened.
[audience laughing]
And he held [laughs] onto it. You know, he was fucking putting his pants on, and he just rolled back on the bed. He never got back up again. It can happen! Like, I’ll give you a scenario. Let’s say, you know, I’m upstairs in the bathroom, my wife’s downstairs making me breakfast, right?
It’s a fantasy, you know?
[applause, laughing] Let’s pretend women still cook for their men. [laughs] She’s Postmating something, and she’s heating it up in the microwave. [audience laughing] [feminine voice] “That’s my love language, right?” [normal] And I’m upstairs in the bathroom, and, all of a sudden, she just hears a big thud on the floor. [imitates thud] And it’s just like, “Honey? Honey, was that you? This isn’t funny! Honey?” [normal] Right? And next thing you know, you’re at my funeral.
[audience laughing]
It happens just like that, and somebody’s trying to put a positive spin on it. “You know, he died doing what he loved… [audience laughing] “…trimming his pubes in the upstairs bathroom while listening to AC/DC.”
[audience laughing]
[cheering, applause]
[laughs] You know, my favorite guy at the funeral is the guy who tries to figure out exactly what happened like it’s a Law & Order episode. [annoying] “You know, I think what happened was he was looking down “at what he was doing, and his-his head’s heavy, you know? “And he got on his toes, he lost his balance, “and whacked his head on the sink, and it came flying back, and there was no bathmat. You know, that-that-that’s kind of what happened.” [audience laughing] So, anyway, [laughs] I lose another friend. My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral, open casket. It’s last year. 2023, open casket.
We’re still doing that?
[laughter] Huh? I’ve never understood open casket. I don’t get it. It’s like, “You told me he was dead.
I believed you!”
[laughing, applause] What, is there some asshole coming in, “I’m calling bullshit, alright? “No, no. He had a lot of credit card debt. “He wasn’t getting along with his wife. “Perfect candidate to fake his own death. “Alright, let’s go. Open it up, open it up. “Let’s see what you got. Let’s see what you got. “Alright, that’s pretty good. It’s pretty good. [laughter] “He looks pretty dead, man. You know, Frank likes to fuck around, so leave it open! Let’s see what we got!” Dude, they left it open. They had my buddy propped up like he was watching SportsCenter for, like, 90 minutes. [laughter] Fucking sitting there looking at the side of my friend’s dead head. Like, why do I need that on the memory bank, you know? So, anyway, it’s a funeral. So, what happens? You-You start, you start thinking about your life, you know? You take stock in it. I start thinking about how fast my life’s going by, how quick my kids are growing up. And then, I had this thought I’ve never had before. I started thinking about how fast my marriage was going by. Right? I was like, “Goddamn, you know, I’ve been married almost frickin’ 11 years at this point.”
[audience member cheers]
And I started thinking, like, you know–
You’re not in it.
[audience laughing]
[applause]
I love when people do that. “I’ve been married for 45 years.” Be like, “Woo!” It’s like, he could have her chained to a radiator, alright?
[applause, laughing]
You have no idea what is going on! Jesus Christ, you can’t always be thinking positive, people! Come on, you gotta fucking keep your head on a swivel! [laughter] [creepily] Maybe she wanted to leave, and I won’t let her. [normal] No, no. I like to think we’re happily married. So, I just started thinking, “Now, we’ve been together for, like, 11 years, you know?” And then, I just started thinking, all these stupid fights I’m having with her, I don’t remember what half of ’em are about. She agreed to spend her life with me, and I’m being this curmudgeonly asshole, and I’m kinda ruining, a little bit, the-the one life she has. So, I’m sitting back there, I’m looking at his dead head, and I think to myself…
[audience laughing]
[laughing]
[audience applause]
I couldn’t not look at it! I don’t– Where else am I looking? [audience laughing] There’s a fucking dead body there! I’m listening to your eulogy? I’m not! I’m looking at that like… “Is that gonna be me someday? I guess it is! Jesus Christ!” [audience laughing] So, at that moment, I was like, “You know what? “I think in the back nine, I’m just gonna try to be a little more agreeable. [laughter] “You know? Just try to go with the flow…
[laughter]
…a little more.” Now, I didn’t think this was a big adjustment to my relationship.
Turned out to be huge.
[audience laughing]
I didn’t realize I was that fucking disagreeable! Evidently, I was ’cause I quickly noticed, my wife talks to me in a regular voice. You know? She doesn’t like what I say, she’ll give me shit back, she breaks my balls, or whatever. But I noticed, though, whenever she was going to ask me to do something with her that she thought maybe I didn’t wanna do, all of a sudden, she would take on, like, this eggshell-y kinda voice, you know? She’d be talking normally, “You going out tonight? You gonna do some standup? Alright, cool.” Then, all of a sudden, she’d just be like, [timid voice] “Yeah, hey, uh, listen. Um…” [audience/Bill laughing] There’s always some sort of inanimate object that she was playing with. [timid] “Yeah, hey, um… wanted to talk to you about something, you know?” [normal] Really, like, timid, like she was trying to figure out which wire to snip so the bomb wouldn’t go off.
[audience laughing]
[timid] Like, “Yeah, hey, uh… “Listen, um, a friend of mine said there’s a, uh, new restaurant “that opened up right around the corner, “and it’s, uh, supposed to be really good, and, uh… “I don’t know, I was thinking maybe we could go out one night. You know, have a date night, see if it’s actually as good as they say.”
[imitates wire snipping]
[audience laughing] [laughs] [normal] Now, the old me would’ve been like, “Oh yeah! Great! Fantastic! “I’m only on the road 41 weeks out of the year! “God forbid I spend one fucking night on my own goddamn couch! “I mean, Jesus Christ! Why don’t you just take me to LAX, “stick me on a fucking plane, and get me back out there? “Am I, am I even a person to you or am I just a fucking ATM machine?!
Is that what it is?!”
[audience laughing]
Alright? That was the old me.
[cheering] [applause] Yeah, no, that, that was the old me, but not new easygoing Bill!
[audience laughing]
No siree! I just went like, “Alright, cool. Sounds like fun.” And she was like, “Really?” [audience laughing] And I was like, “Yeah.” And I swear to God, she went, “Yay.”
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[applause] And then, she came over, and she gave me the sweetest little peck on my cheek.
[audience awwing]
Yeah, I felt that jolt of love you feel in the beginning of the relationship. Took me by surprise. And she walked outta the room.
I was like, “Wow, what was that?
[laughter] “I want more of that in my relationship! I’m gonna try some more of this agreeing shit! This is pretty good.” [applause, laughing]
Yeah, so we go out.
[cheering]
Yeah, we go out to dinner, we have a great time, and the next two weeks, it’s a little more easygoing, you know? It’s a little more easy-breezy there, right? And everything’s fine. She’s talking to me normal. And then a couple weeks goes by, and all of a sudden, once again, the eggshell voice. She just starts going,
[timid] “Hey, uh…” [laughs]
[audience laughing] “Something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, uh… “You know, we’re going to that wedding up in Paso Robles, “you know, in a couple weeks, you know? “You know, we’re supposed to just kinda go right up and come right back down. “Well, you know, I was just kinda thinking, “you know, we both love wine country, and, uh… “what if we just didn’t come right back? “What if we went up and maybe stayed an extra couple of days, you know? “Take something that was gonna cost $900, make it cost $4,000.
“I just thought… maybe…
[laughing, applause] maybe we could do something like that, get reconnected.” [imitates wire snipping, laughs] [laughter] [normal] And I just go, “Yeah, sure, you know? Sounds great.” And she was just like, “Wow! You are being such a good sport lately.” And now, I’m waiting for that peck on the cheek, but it doesn’t come, right?
[laughter]
She just stands her ground. ‘Cause, you know, women, you give them an inch, they wanna take a mile, right? So, she’s just standing there, and she’s just kinda like, [timid] “Okay, cool ’cause, uh, “I was also thinking, um, “you know, it’s not just the wedding, you know? “There’s, like, all these events around it. “Like, there’s the night before the drinks, you meet people, “then the morning, there’s a brunch, then there’s the wedding itself. “And then, the day after, there’s, like, a little pool party thing. “And I was thinking, I don’t know, you know, “maybe we could go shopping and buy different outfits “for each one of those, each one of those events?”
[laughter] [imitates wire snipping, laughs] So, look at me. Obviously, I don’t like to shop. I’m just not into this shit, so– but I went along with it. And I gotta tell you, though, she was right, right? I went up– I go up to Paso Robles. I hate picking out outfits. All of my outfits were laid out like I was some 8-year-old kid, you know? And I’m just sitting there like, [childlike voice] “This is my breakfast outfit! I’m going downstairs! “I’m gonna have waffles and some bacon, “maybe even some pancakes! “Now, I have on my sport coat. Ooh, I’m a big boy! I’m gonna talk about the environment and have some drinkypoos,” [normal] right? And, dude, we got along great. Got along great. We looked great in the pictures. We ended up hooking up. We had a fantastic fucking time. [cheering] And I’ve just been doing that! And I’ve never gotten along with her better. That’s basically what it is. All you have to do to make ’em happy is just, once a month, agree to some shit that you would never fucking do… [laughter, applause] …that they wanna do, and th-they’ll just be, like, happy as hell!
[audience laughing]
Yes. Exactly. Basically, what you guys are looking at here is a broken man. [laughter, cheering] After 20 years, she finally got the saddle on my back. She’s petting my neck. I’m like… [horse blows], I don’t give a shit. Which way do you want me to pull the wagon? Yeah, that’s all you gotta do. Agree to whatever dumb shit. And you can’t just agree. You gotta be enthusiastic about it, you know? Like, [enthusiastically] “Farmers’ market!
“Oh boy, would I?!
[audience laughing] “Oh, my goodness, is corn in season?! “Well, shit, I’ll hold the bag! [audience laughing] I’ll tape the game. Don’t worry about it.” [audience laughing] ‘Cause I know this, this ain’t about me. [laughs] No. I don’t wanna go to that dark place. [laughter] Well, fuck it, let’s go then, alright?
[cheering]
Okay!
[cheering]
Okay! I know, it always rains on you guys. You guys are all fucking depressed, right? Under the bridge, doing whatever the fuck you’re doing up here, writing your sad music. [audience laughing] Anyway. Yeah, so… I’m in this weird part of my life. I really am. It’s-It’s this great thing where I’m just letting go of a lot of shit and also kinda discovering stuff about myself. Like, I real– I found out, uh, recently I have, like, depression issues.
[scattered laughter] I couldn’t believe it. I always hated when people, “Oh, I’m fucking depressed.” Shut up, you fucking pussy. Just get up and plow through it. Like, they’re, [mopey] “I got clinical depression. I can’t even get off the ground.” [normal] I had no fucking empathy… whatsoever. I used to look at those people like,
“What the fuck is wrong with them?”
[laughter] And I had the exact same thing. Had no fucking idea, you know? I don’t have, like, clinical depression. I have, like– I have regular depression, you know?
[laughter] I got the regular stuff. Like, a lot of fucked-up shit happened to me. I never dealt with it. I just kinda kept putting it over here, you know? It just sorta floats over here, and every once in a while, it taps me on the shoulder like, “Hey, you ready to deal with this shit?” I’m like, “Okay, maybe. “Or I could death scroll on Instagram “and watch some guy refurbishing old skillets for, like, the next three hours…” Yeah.
[applause] Oh yeah, I’ll stay up ’til 3:00 in the morning watching people, like, powerwash, like, sidewalks and driveways rather than unpacking that shit. And it’s always fucking tapping me on the shoulder, I– you know, creeping up on me. I call it “the fog”, so I-I fucking– I try to stay ahead of it, and I have all these hobbies and all these different things that I do, so I just keep moving so it can’t keep up with me, right? And I’ve noticed, at some point, I’m gonna have to face this shit, right? So, the end of last year, I was taking, like, six weeks off from the road, and I knew this shit was coming, right? I felt it. It was, “Hey, here you go, Bill. You’re off the road. Time to deal, right?” And this time I was like, “You know what? Fuck this. “I’m just gonna sit in this shit as long as I could sit in it, you know, and see what happens, right?” So, it took about three days before my wife noticed, right? [laughter] I was sitting over in the corner. I had, like, an afghan, like, wrapped around me.
[audience laughing]
I wasn’t shaving and shit, and I’m just sitting there watching TV all day. And you know what’s funny? When you shave your head like this, it looks like you know jujutsu possibly, you know? But after three days, you look like some retired shoe salesman, you know, that didn’t get the gold watch.
[laughter] So, I’m sitting there, and my wife, you know, we got two little kids. It-It took her a few days to notice. She finally takes me in. She just goes, she goes, “Hey, what’s, uh, what’s going on with you?” She’s like, “Is everything alright?” And I was like, “Uh, no.” And she’s like, “Well, what’s the matter?” And for the first time in 20 years of knowing her, I actually communicated an emotion.
[laughter]
[applause] I swear to God. She goes, “What’s the matter?” And I go, “I’m sad.”
[laughter]
[applause] Exactly! That’s fucking hilarious coming out of a man’s mouth.
It’s just funny. Yeah.
[cheering] She didn’t know what the fuck to do! [laughter] Right? Men aren’t allowed to be sad. We’re allowed to be one of two things. We’re allowed to be mad or fine.
That’s it, right?
[laughter]
Those are normal behaviors of a man.
[applause]
You can be mad like, [angrily] “Jesus Christ, who put this here? “How many fucking times do I gotta say to keep this goddamn area clean? “Jesus Christ! Somebody’s gonna fall and break their fucking neck. I’m so tired– I said it once, I’ve said it 100 fucking times!” Right? [laughter] And then what does your wife do? Just fucking rolls her eyes. “Ah, just send him out in the yard. Let him walk it off. Throw him a beer out there. He’ll be fine,” right? Yeah. He’ll be good, right? You’re allowed to be that or fine. “How you doing, Bill?” “I’m fine.” [laughter] “You sure?” “Yeah, I’m sure. I said I was fine. Why the fuck would I say I’m fine if I’m not fucking fine?!” And you’re just right back over there, and your whole fucking life is that. [audience laughing] And what’s weird about a guy is we feel all the other emotions, right? Melancholy, being sentimental, enjoying a sunset, all of that type of shit. But all this in here is just called “gay”, right?
[laughter]
[applause, cheering]
[laughs] It’s just a giant bag of gay. You swing it over your shoulder, and you just fucking throw that in the woods. [laughter] That’s it! You do that for half a century. And, one day, you grab your fucking chest, and you go down, and then that’s it.
[laughing, applause]
It’s a fucking wrap. Yeah! So, I, you know, I’m an old dad. I gotta be here for my kids, so I-I gotta start figuring myself out here. So, yeah, I just told her. I was like, “Fuck it.” I just said, “I’m sad.” And she just went, like– She just went, “Oh-oh!” [audience/Bill laughing] She’s like, “W-Was it something I did? Did I, did I do something?” I said, “No, you and me are great. You and me are great. “This is some shit from a long time ago, “you know, that I just been thinking, it’s been coming up and all of that. It’s just been really bothering me.” And she goes, “Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry.” And then she just walked out of the room. [laughs] [audience laughing] And I couldn’t even get mad at her! I was just envious, right? I was like, “I didn’t know you could fucking do that!” [laughter] All these years of listening to you dump your day on me! [applause] Having to actively listen.
“Mandy said that to you? No, she didn’t!
[laughter] “Oh, my goodness! So, what did you say? “Oh! You said that? “No! You were totally within your right to say that! “And I feel proud to be with you, knowing that you stuck up for yourself in that fucking moment.”
Jesus Christ, right?
[applause] [cheering] Yes! I didn’t realize that I could just be like, “Oh, that’s between you and Mandy? Alright, take it easy.
[laughter]
“Good luck with that shit. “I’m gonna go watch some hockey. “That is some you and Mandy shit. Let me know how that works out. Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.”
[audience laughing]
Yeah. Yeah, that’s the thing. So, that’s, like, been an adjustment in the relationship now that I’m starting to feel feelings ’cause it’s not about the guy at all, right? Like, all of these fucking holidays. My fa– My favorite time of the year is March and April, you know what I mean? It’s just 61 glorious days, no fucking holiday where the man has to make some sort of financial gesture to the woman in his life.
You know what I mean?
[laughter] Like Valentine’s Day, it just sneaks up on you every year. It’s like, I just fucking got you something. I just paid the bill in January, and then here we fucking go again! When are you gonna feel loved, right? Jesus fucking Christ. Here you go! Here’s [laughs] something shiny! Are you happy? Oh, that’s good. I’m glad you’re happy. Don’t mind me. I’m just over here in a walking depression.
[laughter]
But as long as you’re happy, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Don’t mind me. Hey, look at me! I’m over here! I’m learning how to make a crepe! Yeah! I’m learning how to make a crepe! “Wow, Bill, you have so many interests!” No, just sad.
[audience laughing]
Just sad, you know? [applause, cheering] Just trying to quiet the voices, so I don’t put rocks in my pocket and step in the pool! Okay? Who wants a crepe?! [audience laughing] Yeah. There are a lot of sad men. I realize that, now that I know how fucked up I am. You can always– Like, I can see through the matrix. There’s so many sad guys. They don’t even know they’re sad. Yeah. Ladies, you– You-You’re married, you’re probably married to a sad guy right now.
That’s what the fucking garage is for.
[laughter] That’s what the garage is for! You tease him to your friends. “He’s always out there working on that project. He’s never gonna finish.” Yeah, ’cause he can’t see the measurement through the tears, right? [laughter, applause] I’ll give you another classic fucking sad guy. That cool uncle you got? You know, the one that never got married, right?
The one with the motorcycle?
[laughter] And you’re looking at him, “Wow, he’s so cool! He rides a motorcycle! He’s not afraid to die!” Yeah, ’cause he died years ago when whatever happened to him happened to him. [laughter] He comes over for the holidays. How long does he last, seeing a loving family? He can’t fucking handle it. He wants it, he doesn’t know how to get it. “Gotta hit the trail!” [mimics engine revving]
Rides away.
[laughter] And you’re like, “Wow, he’s so cool!” That’s ’cause you can’t see the tears streaking down his face, conditioning his ponytail… as he rides off to f… to fuck some sleeve-tattooed traumatized woman. [scattered laughter] [laughs] Is this too sad for even Seattle?
[laughter, cheering]
Alright. [applause] Alright, well, I will give you, I will give you the number-one place to see sad men.
Guitar Center.
[laughter]
Oh, my God.
[cheering] One of the saddest places on Earth! Failed, struggling musicians behind the counter. A bunch of men in loveless marriages, or divorced, just walking around, looking at the guitars. [dumb] “Is that a custom color? Is it? “Maybe if I add that to my collection, it’ll fill up whatever this void is in the center of my chest.”
[audience laughing]
[normal] I don’t know. I don’t have any fucking solutions, but…
[applause, cheering]
Yeah, um… Anyway, what’s funny– So, my home life is great. I’m getting along great with my wife. I’m getting along. You know, kids are awesome. Everything’s great at home. You know, the balance of life. If that’s gonna be good, something has to be, like, fucked up, you know, to fix it. It sucks, you know? Like, what’s– My home life is great, but what sucks is the people that raised me, it’s not a good situation. Now, you know, aunts and uncles, everybody getting older, people dying, people getting diseases, you know? Like, recently, somebody I know got diagnosed, uh, you know, with dementia, which is, you know, it-it sucks, but there’s nothing you can do, you know? What do you do when somebody has dementia? What can you really do? You just be nice to ’em, right? They repeat a story. You just act like it’s the first time they said it, you know what I mean? You don’t sit there, looking around the room like, “They’re f-fucking doing this again? Jesus Christ.
“What is this, Groundhog Day?
[audience laughing]
“You think he’s gonna change the ending? I mean, good Lord! I don’t give a fuck! He’s not gonna remember me saying this, right? Hey!” No, you don’t do that. You just act like it’s the first time they said it. They repeat a question, you just act like it’s the first time they asked it. You are nice to people with dementia, unless they’re the President of the United States, at which point…
[cheering, applause] Yeah. At which point, you can go off. Look at you guys! People applauding that somebody has dementia! How fucked up is that? Not 30 seconds ago when I said someone in my family got diagnosed, you guys were all– You could hear a pin drop. And you had empathy, like, “Oh, no.” Maybe you know, you know somebody that has it or whatever. “Oh, my God, that’s terrible. I know what you’re going through.” Second you put a blue or a red tie on it, “Fuck that old man! Fuck him! I’m glad he’s gonna die!”
[cheering, applause]
Yeah. Still applauding.
[audience laughing]
It’s fucking… What is wrong with us? [audience laughing] We’re fucking out of our minds! People aren’t gonna take the vaccine, but they’ll take Ozempic, right? “Well, Ozempic’s my choice.” No, it wasn’t! They poisoned the food supply, and you fucking ballooned up. And now, you’re jabbing that in, and then they’re gonna wheel you in. It’s not, it’s not.
You’re a money-making vehicle.
[cheering]
Anyway…
[audience laughing]
…if Joe Biden– Here’s the funny thing: if Joe Biden wasn’t a politician, if he wasn’t famous, he was just some random old guy sitting by himself in a diner, repeating himself, there’s nobody with him, you would have empathy for him, going like, “Oh, my God!
“Is there anybody with that guy? Oh!
[laughter] “I mean, that is really dangerous! Who’s gonna help him out? “How’s he gonna know he already had pie? He could eat himself to death!” Right? [laughter] Second he’s a Democrat or a Republican, you’re just like, “Fuck you, old man! You’re losing your mind! [babbling]
“You’re going crazy! [shouting]
[laughter] You already said that! You already said that! You already said that!”
I love that shit.
[audience laughing]
It’s what makes human beings hilarious. I’m one of the biggest hypocrites you’re ever gonna fucking meet in your life, and I love, I love hypocrites. I love weird rules. Like, one of my favorite things about the West Coast is on the 5 freeway, you have that, that commuter lane, you know? You gotta have two people in it, called the HOV lane. The high-occupancy, high-occupancy vehicle lane, whatever the fuck it’s called, right? Yeah. I just love the respect that it gets. [audience laughing] For the most part, 99% of people will not go in that fucking lane unless they have two people. We just sit in the other six lanes, dead stop, hating life.
[laughter] “Why did I move out here? This fucking sucks. “I can see my house! I can see it! I could walk from here!” And there’s this wide-open lane to freedom. Nobody goes in it. They’re like, [nerdy] “Oh, I can’t go in that, you know?” Don’t have enough occupancies in my vehicle!” [normal] Right? And here’s the thing. I could take a chance, right? I could go in there by myself, okay? But if there’s a cop there, I’m gonna get pulled over, I’m gonna get yelled at, I get a ticket, and my insurance goes up. I am not allowed to do that. However! I can still join the Klan. [audience/Bill laughing] I can join the Ku Klux Klan and not get in trouble, right?
[applause]
I don’t get yelled at. I don’t get a ticket. No insurance goes up. I could drive down the highway in my Klan outfit, as long as I had the mud flap up. Alright, it could say “Grand Dragon” on the front of the sheet. I could have a “White Power” bumper sticker. I could have a Hitler bobblehead right on the dashboard, just sitting there fucking going like that. I would not get pulled over unless I went into the HOV lane, right? [laughter, cheering] Yeah! And then, I wouldn’t get pulled over because I joined a terrorist organization. I would get pulled over ’cause I didn’t have another terrorist with me. [laughter] That’s what the problem would be.
[applause, cheering]
Yeah! Yeah, the cop will be coming up like, “Well, well, well, aren’t we in a hurry “to get to the cross burning this evening, huh? “Who the hell do you think you are, buddy? I’ll tell you right now, “you better have a Black guy in the trunk, or you, sir, are in a lot of trouble! Now, get your license out!” [laughter, cheering] [Bill laughing] You know what’s funny is I don’t think anybody joins the Klan anymore, you know? That’s like your great-great-great- grandfather’s hate group. You know? [scatting] ♪ I don’t like Blacks or Jews or fucking queers ♪ [scatting] I feel like they’re still on horses, you know? Just a bunch of old, ugly white guys just riding around, [hillbilly accent] “Well, God made me in his image! “Jesus Lord… [hillbilly gibberish] fucking… I’ll fucking…” [audience laughing] You know what’s hilarious about Jesus? [laughter] You know what I learned about this guy? In North America, he’s white. He’s, like, almost as white as I am. But the closer you get to the equator, the more he starts looking like Lenny Kravitz. Have you noticed that? [audience/Bill laughing] Anyway, yeah. Nobody joins the Klan anymore, you know? As a white person, you don’t wanna join the Klan, right? You wanna join a younger, hipper, white nationalist group, right? Like the Neo-Nazis or the Proud Boys. You know, with their little fades, you know, and their little okey-doke thing they stick their pee-pees through or whatever, whatever their secret handshake is. I don’t know.
I don’t pretend to know these things.
[laughter] Or maybe you just wanna be that random, “get off my lawn” racist white dude.
[laughter]
You know that guy? The-The “patriotic” guy? You know that guy? He dresses every weekend like it’s the 4th of July. Everything he has has the American flag on it. You know, has a bald eagle on his shirt, the Declaration of Independence down this sleeve, Thomas Jefferson’s nuts, Mount Rushmore right back here. “Gods, guts, guns. Freedom ain’t free! You don’t like it, go fuck yourself,” and all that. Then, you got the giant pickup truck with the huge American flag hanging off the back.
That’s my favorite.
[cheering] The giant American flag off the back, like we don’t know what country we’re in. [laughter] Like, “Just in case you forgot, you’re in America! Beep beep!” [audience laughing] You know what’s funny? Recently, I did a gig up in Canada, right? We landed in Calgary, and, uh, we’re driving to the– me and Kenny are driving to the hotel, and I saw a guy up there, he had a giant pickup truck with a giant Canadian flag hanging off the back.
[laughter]
And I was so relieved, you know? I was like, “Thank God! I thought only we had that fucking idiot in our country.” [audience laughing]
[applause]
Evidently, he’s everywhere! Which is hilarious to me because that means there’s a guy in England right now with a giant British flag hanging off the back of a scooter. Just riding around like, [mimics scooter humming] [Cockney accent] “Right, you’re in London, you silly cunt! Beep beep! Brexit, you fucking Yank!” [normal] Right? [audience laughing] I don’t know, it just blows my mind, you know? It’s, like, it’s 2024. The– All of these people got in trouble, got canceled and shit, you know what I mean? Never came around to the Klan. [audience laughing] None of those groups ever got canceled, but if you said in 1992, “Hey, nice titties!” Comes back to bite you in the ass 30 years later!
[cheering, applause]
[laughs] That’s the question I’ve been asking when I’m on the road. Like, why do– Here’s a question I have. Why do you think the Klan– It’s 2024, right? Why do you think the Klan still exists?
[audience member 1] Sons of bitches!
[audience member 2] Racists!
Racist? I’m not saying what they are.
[audience laughing]
[mockingly] “Racists!” [normal] Why do you think fat people exist?
[mockingly] They eat too much!
[laughter] Are they all gonna be this easy?
[audience laughing]
[normal] You know what the funniest answer I got? I go, “Why do you think people are still in the Klan, 2024?” And some guy yelled out, he goes, “Something to do!” [laughter] You know, we all got our things. Some people are into bowling. Some people like to draw. Some people like to blow up churches with innocent people in there. I mean, it’s, you know, it’s all, you know, whatever your trip is. [laughs] You know why they still exist! You know why, right? Some people go, “Well, you know, it’s a First Amendment issue. “It’s a freedom of speech. We have this wonderful thing in this country… “for white people only, called freedom of speech. [audience laughing] “I mean, they have to be allowed to join these groups. “They have to be allowed to march down the streets “with semi-automatic weapons, “chanting the N-word, “trying to create a race war on the internet, okay? “They have to be allowed to do this. “If they are not allowed to do this, it’s a slippery slope. “Next thing you know, there goes the town pool. “So, you really have to be careful about censorship.”
[applause] You name one other fucking race that can do that. [cheering] Yeah, no, I’m telling you. The reason why they-they-they still fucking exist is because they don’t fuck with white people. That’s basically it. If they did to, if they did to white people what the fuck they’ve done to Black people, how long do you think that stupid fucking group would’ve been around? Maybe five weeks ’cause it was the 1800s, and it took a month to get across the state to get to those idiots. And they woulda mowed ’em down with the first machine gun, that was the size of a fucking cannon. [imitates machine gun firing]
And that woulda been fucking it!
[laughter] No? You don’t believe me? Do you remember 9/11 when those brown people knocked down those two perfectly good white buildings? [laughter] My people lost their minds! “Kill all those motherfuckers! Blow up their whole side of the planet! Anybody with a brown shirt, get ’em the fuck outta here!” [gibberish]
[audience laughing]
Yeah, the exact same people, if the Klan or Proud Boys does some fucked-up shit, what is the best we have? The most liberal of my people. What’s the best we got? [effeminate voice] “Oh, my God, that’s terrible! “Can you believe that? “Oh, what is wrong with people? “I mean, I just don’t get it. God! [laughing, scattered applause] [sighs] “Are any of you guys watching Baby Reindeer? “That is fucking amazing!
[laughter]
No, you have to watch it. It is so good!” [laughs] That’s why I-I-I fucking hate liberals.
[cheering, laughing]
I do! I hate ’em! No, don’t get excited. I fucking hate conservatives, too, ’cause you’re all a bunch of fucking racists, right?
[cheering]
Now, I know that’s a blanket statement, but I’m just trying to speak your language. [laughs] What I fucking hate about liberals is you don’t do shit other than covering your own ass with your dumbass fucking signs. [laughter] I hate that shit with the f– Remember that? Uh, that was the worst. I was in Hollywood, you know, during the whole Black Lives Matter, and the-the white people putting, like, my people putting the fucking BLM signs in the window. It wasn’t even about Black people. It was about that they were doing it. They were, like, Instagramming it like, [liberal voice] “Oh, yeah.
“I just couldn’t remain silent, you know?
[laughter] I had to speak truth to power, you know?” [normal] You would think they were in the Marines or something. It’s like, you haven’t even left your fucking apartment! Right?
[laughter]
[liberal] “I had to do it! “I took one piece of Xerox paper, “that I paid for, “wrote ‘BLM’ on it, and took “two pieces of double-sided tape “I usually use to hold my titties up, “and I stuck it in the window, “and I was like, ‘There you go, Black people! “Enjoy your new freedoms!’ [audience laughing] “What? It’s just– I had to do it. “It was how I was raised, you know? “I come from a long line of progressive liberals. “In fact, my great-great-great-grandmother “was in Berlin, Germany in 1939, “and she had a ‘Knock it off, Nazis’ sign in the window. “And let me tell you something! That was the end of those shenanigans! [laughter] “A lot of people thought it was the bravery of the Allied troops! No, it was not! It was my grandmother’s persnickety sign!” [audience laughing] [applause] No, liberals, you gotta get over your fear of the gun. That’s what’s gonna turn this, this country around.
You gotta embrace guns.
[applause]
Okay? They’re not going anywhere. You’d have a better chance of getting rid of cheeseburgers than you are of getting rid of guns, alright? [laughter] I don’t know if you ever read the history of this country. It’s not what they say it was, alright? This is Gangs of New York, okay? [laughter, applause] We came here, there was other people here, and then there weren’t, right? And then, there was work to be done. We didn’t wanna do it. And then, we brought other people in and other shit happened. And then, they got let go, and now, you know? A lot of shit happened, okay? So, people are strapped because…
[audience laughing]
…you don’t know what’s gonna happen. But the liberals are like, [liberal] “Oh, my God, stop the guns. I gotta make a sign, ‘Stop the guns.’ Ha!” [normal] Right? [laughter] No, embrace ’em. Level the playing field out. That’s what’s gonna stop these hate groups, I think, anyways. ‘Cause they’re not afraid ’cause they’re armed, and you’re not. So, basically, what’s gonna turn this country around is the day a vegan beta male… [audience laughing] …with a man-bun does a drive-by in a Prius at a Klan rally and exposes them for the faggots they really are…
[cheering, applause]
…nothing’s gonna happen! [laughs] I know I said “faggots”, but, you know, I was worried I was getting too preachy, you know what I mean? I don’t, I don’t want you to feel like I’m not dirty too. [laughter] You know what’s funny? My wife got me to stop saying that word, right? Like, the 2000s, she got me to stop saying the word. I swear to God, this is a true story. I was driving back– I was in LA, and I had her on speaker phone. I had a good set and everything, so I was psyched, and I was talking to her and making her laugh and shit. You know, and I’m driving, and-and this is– The hilarious thing
is I’m driving a Prius, right?
[audience laughing] And the Prius, the 2008, had, like, this two-inch, like, like, metal on-on either side that was, like, a blind spot. If you went to take a left, and if there was somebody in the crosswalk, and they fucking lined up with the thing, okay, you wouldn’t see ’em, and they get run over by this little doorstop of a car, right? So, wouldn’t you know it, that night, I’m… [imitates air whistling] …going down the street in my Prius, and I’m making my wife laugh, and I go to make a left. Hollywood and La Brea. Never forget it. And this guy was lined up, and at the last second, I saw him, almost ran him over, and I swerved outta the way and stomped on the brakes. And the guy, of course, turned around. He goes, “You fucking asshole! Why don’t you look where the fuck you’re driving! Jesus Christ! Fucking wake up!” He’s screaming at me. And I put the window down, trying to explain to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you! There’s, like, a two-inch thing, and you were lined up!” He goes, “What the fuck? You almost ran over my fucking foot!” He’s screaming me. I’m trying to explain myself. And he kept fucking yelling at me, and he wouldn’t listen. And I finally just snapped. I was like, “Ah, with your tight pants, you fucking faggot.” Right? [laughter, applause] So, my wife flips out! She’s like, “Bill! You cannot say that anymore!” Right? And what was funny, was the guy actually laughed, right?
[laughter]
I swear to God! Like, he threw his head back, and he really, like, laughed. And, to this day, I don’t know why. Like, was he laughing because he was a little fat? Was his pants getting a little tight? Was it around the holidays? Or was it just funny to see a bald ginger in a Prius call him that word? I don’t know what it was, but he got a huge laugh out of it! And that word actually ended the argument… between the two of us, so… But my wife broke it down to me. She goes, “You can’t say that word. It’s a really hurtful word.” And I was like, alright, well, I don’t wanna be an asshole. So, I, you know, I, I– it took a while, but I stopped, and, uh, you know, but there’s, like, you know, they never gave you, like, a replacement word. Like, there’s, like, this phantom limb syndrome here. It’s like, what do you call somebody who cuts you off in traffic, and then you pull up at a red light, and they don’t have the decency to look at you as you’re fucking screaming at your window?
What do you call them?
[audience laughing] It’s the alliteration. Fucking [grunts]! It just– Oh!
[laughter]
It just, it just gets it out of you. [applause] You know what’s funny is I don’t, I don’t own a gun, but I fucking love ’em. You know what’s funny is I don’t, I don’t own a gun, but I fucking love ’em. I do. Like, if I’m walking down the street, and I see a gun store, I gotta go in and look at ’em. I do, but I’m not into, like, the semi-automatic weapon. That’s for people that suck at shooting, you know what I mean? Like, how many fucking attempts? “There he is!”
[indistinct shouting]
[audience laughing] Those should be– You should get six shots, alright? If you can’t get the fucking job done, that’s it. You’re done, right? [audience laughing] No, I like ’em. I like, I like the revolvers and all that old-school shit I saw in the cop movies when I was growing up. I like all of those guns, but, uh, guns also scare me because I feel like guns are kinda like guitars, you know? Like, almost every house has one, but not really anybody’s that good at it, you know? [laughter] Just kinda over in the corner collecting dust, you know? And I get with guitar how you get better. You play two, three hours a day. I don’t get– How do you get better at shooting? Like, how do you practice?
[audience member] Gun range.
Gun range! They always say that, “the gun range”. That’s not practicing. It’s a total controlled environment. You go down there, and you put on your little headset.
[wimpy] Gotta protect my hearing!
[laughter] I wouldn’t want my ears to go ringy-ding-ding! [normal] And then, you lay out all your, your bullets, little charcuterie board. [wimpy] I have my weapon pointed down, you fucking thing. And now it’s time for the target.
[imitates motor whirring]
[laughter] [normal] Then you sit there and you’re like… a-pew!
[audience laughing] A-pew-pew-pew! [imitates motor whirring] [dumb] “Oh, center of mass! I’m gonna hang that in my house, so everybody sees what a badass I am!” [normal] That’s not practicing. You wanna practice? Have somebody wake you up at 3:00 in the morning when you’re wearing nothing but your pajama bottoms.
[laughter]
And they throw you in the garage. There’s a baby, a rattlesnake, and a fucking bear, and your wife’s flipping the lights on and off going, “Do something, Johnny! Do something! Do something, do something!”
That, that is practicing. Yeah.
[applause, cheering] I feel like that’s how it’s gonna go down. I don’t know shit about it, but I got a good feeling that, you know, the day somebody breaks into your house, gun owners, they’re not gonna come in like this. [audience laughing] [laughs] You know? They’re not gonna be, like, peeking around the corner and then just go…
[imitates target flapping]
[audience laughing] Um… Anyway… Yeah, so, I have learned a lot about myself over the last few years, you know what I mean? I had to quit drinking, you know? I-I never thought I’d have a problem with that shit, you know? ‘Cause when I grew up, right, you know, shit was so different when we were growing up. Like, even, like, gay people. Like, the way it was thought was there was, like, three gay people in Massachusetts, and the rest of ’em were in San Francisco, right? [audience laughing] Everything was fucked up, right? Like, addiction, it was either like, “Either you have the addictive gene or you don’t!” And it’s like, no. What I’ve kinda learned is fucking everything is sort of a spectrum, right? Not just autism, you know? [laughter] I’m sick of words getting hijacked, alright? When I was a kid, like, the spectrum was the color spectrum. Dr. J and the 76ers played in an arena called The Spectrum, right? So, the first time somebody said to me, “Hey, my kid’s on the spectrum,” I’m thinking, “No, he isn’t. “They, they tore that shit down in 2010. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You need to elaborate. “Just say he has autism, so I can fucking catch up. Alright, I don’t speak the jargon here.”
[laughter] So, I-I think everything is like a spectrum, okay? Well, we’ll start with, we’ll start with my drinking, right? So, I, you know, when I was growing up, it was, [tough] “Either you are a-a fucking alky, or you aren’t.” [normal] And then it-it isn’t, okay? Th-There’s all of this. So, we’ll say this right here is full-on addiction. This is, literally, sucking dick behind a donut shop, 11:30 in the morning on a Tuesday for a fucking 12-pack. Not even a case. A 12-pack. In jean shorts and a half shirt, right? And then, this over here, this is, like, a teetotaler. Like, [wimpy] “You know, I tried alcohol. I didn’t like it. It just, you know, “I’ve always been into books, you know? “That’s been my drugs, you know? I like… “a good book, right? “And I’ll tell you, ha, when you see me reading that book, “I am not there. I am in that book,
and I am taking that journey, right?”
[laughter] [normal] But th-there’s-there’s all fucking this. Like, my drinking got, like, all the way– I-I realized I couldn’t have it in the house. That’s what it was. I just, like, consumed it, and then I fucking– I got all the way to, like, right here, right? I mean, I wasn’t sucking dick, but the donut shop was over the horizon.
[audience laughing]
The donut shop was in view. And I was like, “What am I doing?” You know what I mean? I– Like, I couldn’t fucking stop it. Then I, you know– So, then I thought I was an alcoholic, so I went to, like, an AA meeting, you know? And the people were telling their stories. And after a couple people sharing, I was just going like, alright, uh, you know, I drink, but these people, Jesus!
[audience laughing]
Jesus Christ! I mean, they were animals! Yellow fingers, still smoking, chowing down pastries. And they’re like, “Bill, would you like to go up and share some of your stories?” I was like, “I can’t fucking follow that!” [laughter] I had three tall bourbons and fell asleep to The Rockford Files. I don’t think that that’s gonna h– follow this guy, you know? [laughter] Missing teeth and selling his ass in the street. I can’t, I can’t follow that, right? [audience laughing] But there was something going on. So, I just realized, you know, like, I-I can’t have this shit in the house. It’s in the house, I’m gonna fucking consume it. Alcohol, even cookies. I tell my wife, “Get the cookies “out of the fucking house, especially Oreos. I’m gonna eat a whole fucking sleeve.” And she says, “Oh, well, well, why can’t you just eat one?” It’s like, “Do you even pay attention to who you’re married to?! “I can’t! I’ll eat the whole fucking sleeve! “And then, I won’t even brush my teeth, “so I’ll-I’ll have that sugar morphine drip, “like, coming down the back of my throat, “and I’ll have these crazy fucking Keebler Elf dreams or whatever. Get it out of the fucking house!” That’s what I need to do, right? That’s what I learned. Like, I-I have no desire to do heroin whatsoever. However, if it was in my house long enough, and the right set of circumstances came along… [laughter] maybe I talked to my dad that day on the phone, tried to get a fucking word in! Maybe that– You know what?
Maybe I’ll fucking…
[tapping] We’ll see what this is all about, you know? I’ll use one of those spoons that went down the garbage disposal. No one’ll give a shit. I’ll light it up. I’ll nod off in the living room, fall on the L-shaped couch, you know? So… Whatever. I have learned that. I’ve learned a lot of things in life. You know, like, here’s one I’ve learned. You know, there’s a very small window in life to beat the shit outta your dad, you know? [laughter] You think you got a lot more time than you do. You don’t. It’s sorta like ages 15 to about 17, you know? If you try to do it before 15, you’re not man enough to get the job done, and then you lose, and then he just psychologically has the advantage. But if you do it after 17, now you’re just beating up an old man, you know? You see his anchor tattoo. You’re like, “Ah, fuck, he was in the Navy.” Jesus Christ, I’m beating up a veteran. Oh, man, I feel like a piece of shit here, you know? [cheering, applause] Alright, here’s another one for you. I didn’t think I was homophobic, right?
[audience laughing]
I didn’t! [laughs] I’m not saying I’m not! I’m just saying I didn’t think I was. No, ’cause I didn’t have a problem. Like, I don’t have a problem with it. I didn’t have a problem, you know, them getting married or any of that shit. And I thought it was totally natural. I was just like, that’s just, like, how you’re born. And I– When people would be like, “Oh, no, it’s a choice. They’re choosing to be gay.” I love when somebody said that. I go, “Okay, let’s say it’s a choice. Then that would mean “being straight is a choice, right? “So, that would mean that you, at some point, “hypothetically, “had a dick and a pussy on the table “and had a choice to make, right? “You were sitting there, ‘Alright, which way am I gonna go? [audience laughing] “‘Well, let’s see. [laughs] “‘This one hurts more, but I get to keep my house. “‘And then this one over here feels amazing, “but everything seems to disappear down into it.’ “I mean, it’s a coin flip, as far as I’m concerned. It was a coin flip. Straight. Hey, Geronimo! Right?” [audience laughing] So, I realized– I found out I was homophobic when, uh, I fucked up my back, and I went into this massage parlor to have somebody work on me. And they said, “This is your first time here?” I said, “Yeah.” They go, “Alright, do you prefer a male or a female masseuse?” And I, like, recoiled like, “Ew!” Like, “Ugh.” [laughs]
[audience laughing]
It’s like, “I want a woman. What the fuck are you asking me? I don’t want some man!” I didn’t even picture a man. I just saw a male arm from here down to here with black hair with, like, grease on it, just coming up my back going, “Okay, just breathe, just breathe.” I’m like, “Ah! “It feels better. You fixed it! Get me the fuck outta here!” Yeah, so, like– I, like– Just the image of that, I, like, fucking recoiled. And I was, like, I was almost, like, defensive. I was like, “No, I want a woman,” right? And then, you know, the way I look, I probably, in my age, I looked like some creep that was looking for a fucking happy ending, you know? You can’t be in there like… No matter how I said it, it came off like, [creepily] “Yeah, I want a woman. I want a… [creepy gibberish] You know?”
[audience laughing]
[normal] Yeah, thinking I’m looking for a happy ending, you know, which I wasn’t, but you know. I will say, I do have issue with them calling it a “full-body massage”. [laughter] It’s like– It’s not a full-body massage. It’s “everything but”. You know what I mean? And then, it’s weird. Then you walk out of there, your whole body’s relaxed, and you’re just dragging your nuts down the fucking street. And that doesn’t feel– It feels weird. [audience laughing] And I know what you guys are thinking. You probably think, “Oh, Bill, why don’t you just rub one out before you go to the masseuse?” It’s like, “‘Cause I won’t make the appointment, alright?” I’m gonna fall asleep upright in the chair, and then my neck’s gonna be fucked up and my back.
Now, I got two problems.
[audience laughing]
It would be great if they legalized it, though, you know what I mean? It’d be fantastic. You just have, like, a regular masseuse in there, you know? You gotta have the r– the real masseuse at the beginning, right? ‘Cause whores don’t give a good back rub, you know? [laughter] A real masseuse gives an incredible back rub, but a-a terrible hand job, like most women. Terrible hand job. [audience laughing] Most women, terrible fucking hand job. Not even trying to get better at it either, by the way. Like, the skill set. Like, you ever get this one? The three fingertips?
Do you ever get this?
[laughter] It’s like, “What are we doing here? Are we waiting for the next lunar eclipse?”
Is there? What– [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I never thought I’d say this. This is just fucking annoying. You’re just, like, annoying. Why don’t you just flick the head of my fucking dick while you’re at it? What are you doing, alright? You’re supposed to be simulating penetration, alright? More pressure going down. Less pressure going up. Add a twist! Add a twist, it’ll be over in 18 seconds. No guy has ever had a woman helicoptering up and down his fucking dick. It’s gonna be over immediately, right?
[audience laughing]
Oh, it’d be fantastic. I would run a massage parlor like that, like a baseball manager. I’d have the real masseuse go in, eat up about eight innings, and then I’d take the lube. “Alright, you’re done. You did a great job.”
Then you bring in the lefty.
[knocks] “Nice. Get in here, right?” And she comes in… [audience applauding] …gives you a hand job better than 90% of the blow jobs you ever got in your life. Then, you walk outta there, your body’s loose, your balls are empty, you can hear your wife’s voice again, and everything’s good. [audience laughing] You’re more agreeable. Fantastic! I don’t know. What are, what are you gonna do? So, anyway, you know, there’s a big thing out there. I wanna let you guys know this shit where it’s just, like, you know, they try to make you feel, all these fucking apps, they make you feel bad about aging. And all of these people are getting, like, plastic surgery now. I’m telling you, you-you don’t need to do it, okay? You’re gonna fucking die, alright? [laughing, applause] That’s Generation X, my generation, in their 50s, taking testosterone and shit, posting before and after pictures on the internet. It’s hilarious. Shirtless, like, trying to attract women. [laughter] And it’s funny, they look good. They look like Rambo here. But in the neck, you see the divorce, the bad relationship with the kids, the dreams that didn’t work out, the fucking HOA that made you tear down that porch
that you didn’t have the fucking…
[laughter] the permit for, or whatever the fuck it was that you did, you know? Do you realize how much you don’t get life if you’re still trying to bang broads in your 50s? Dude, at my age, like, eight hours sleep is the new pussy. That’s it! [audience laughing]
[applause]
Yeah. Eight hours uninterrupted! There’s nothing better than that! Meaning, I wake up when I wanna wake up, you know what I mean? I don’t have somebody in my ear like, “Okay, the kids have practice today! “You need to go downstairs, make ’em some breakfast! I gotta get the car washed!”
[audience laughing] Just waking up when I wanna wake up. It’s just, it’s just– It’s-It’s-It’s-It’s fucking amazing. So, I don’t know, I-I-I might be weird, but I think the job of an older person is you’re supposed to help out younger people. You’re not supposed to try and fuck ’em, right?
[laughter]
[scattered applause] Slow applause. “Oh, you know, alright. I mean, the legal age… [babbling]”
[audience cheering]
I’m that old guy that acts like he figured everything out, you know? I’m that old guy that acts like he figured everything out, you know, so I always give young people advice. Like, I always tell women, right? I’ll be like, you know– Okay, here’s one for you. If you’re on a date with a guy, at any point during the evening, if he cracks his own neck, just get out of the relationship right then and there. [laughter] Alright? He’s a fucking meathead. And he’s gonna put meathead babies in you, and they’re gonna drive tow trucks and they’re never gonna own the company, okay? That’s what it is.
[audience laughing]
Alright? Look for the red flags, okay?
Little guy, big watch. Major red flag.
[laughter] Nothing wrong with the little guy, but that little guy with that fucking– maybe he has a rap album, fucking giant watch, walking around making all this noise. [laughter] For some reason, you find him adorable, so you agree to go out with him, and then he pulls up to the date in that giant truck, and that magic step appears so he doesn’t fall to his death. And the next thing you know, you’re in a fucking relationship with him. And one day, you have a huge fight with him, and he storms out, and you watch him waddle down the front yard. And then, you’re upstairs crying as you’re folding his little pants. [laughter] And then it finally dawns on you. “I coulda had the exact same problems with a full-size man. “For three years, I didn’t feel safe when he held me. [audience laughing] It’s like I found a hairy 8-year-old at the mall, right?” Ladies, if you have a girlfriend, and she has, like, a sweatshirt that says “namaste” on it, she’s a cunt. Like, how do you not see that?
[laughter]
How… Why would you think that she’s spiritual? I just don’t g… You shouldn’t have to advertise that you’re spiritual! I– You should sense it. [whiny] “Namaste. This is just how I choose to live my life.” [normal] You know, she’s one of those people, you know, who goes on Instagram and goes out into nature with the bathing suit up her ass and does, like, the fucking heart hands with, like, advice. [whiny] “Guys, don’t forget to take time for yourself “when you’re fucking gathering your knowledge on your journey,” [normal] you know?
[laughter] If I was a dictator, that’s one of the first groups of people that I would eliminate. Anybody that fucking did that.
[cheering]
And then, right after that, would be anybody who tried to do the heart hands, but were too stupid, so it looked like a grilled cheese sandwich. You ever see? [whiny] “Okay, Tabatha, see you later!” [grunts]
[normal] It’s just like…
[audience laughing] Alright, so I gave women some advice, alright? Here’s something for the guys. Guys, if you’re dating a woman who’s always cold… Alright, and I don’t mean here, the vitals. I mean the feet, the hands, the fingers, the extremities. Almost as if her heart isn’t strong enough…
[bumping mic]
…to fucking pump the blood out. You know those women? No matter what month of the year, they’re fucking cold. Every sleeve they have fucking hangs down to here. You just see, like, two fingernails hanging out. Any, any drink you give ’em, they gotta hold it like a toddler like…
[audience laughing]
They get in bed, they put that cadaver foot on you.
You’re like [screams]!
[audience laughing]
Yeah!
[applause]
You can’t breed with that! Alright? You’re gonna have sickly little children with allergies. Kleenex in every room. They’re gonna come out of the womb with a cold! [crying, sneezing] Few years later, they all got glasses, [nasally] “I can’t go to school today, the pollen. [sneezes, blows] Can I watch my iPad?” [sneezes] And you’re sitting there going, “What the fuck happened? “I played sports. What-What-What are these things? What happened?” What happened? You dumped one in Debbie Blue Toes. That’s what the fuck you did.
[applause, cheering]
Jesus Christ, use your head! You think she’s gonna make a strong baby? She’s not! All those flamingo-legged chicks, you know? Influencers. We used to call ’em whores.
[laughter]
Now, they’re, like– Now they’re leading, they’re leading the herd, evidently, right? [cheering, applause] Yeah! Back in the day, back in the day, women like that did not survive the winter, alright? They froze to death under a buffalo blanket or some shit. That’s not what you wanted back in the day. You ever see paintings of hot chicks back in the day? They’re like fucking fullbacks! That’s what you wanted! Something that could take some punishment, you know? Take a couple of pieces of plywood off the dome during a tornado. Something with a big ass your kids could hide behind as she fought off a bear, and you were running in from the fields! [Southern accent] “I’m coming for you Clementine,” right?
[audience applauding]
[normal] Yeah, these fucking skinny chicks. I’m telling you, they used to die right and fucking left. But over the last 100 years, you had all these fucking– all these inventions. Centralized heat, right? The C-section? It just keeps them alive. [laughter] They make all these sickly, whiny kids, you know? Next thing you know, everybody’s wearing helmets. This is what it is.
[audience laughing]
No.
[cheering, applause]
No, this is one of these nights. I don’t feel like leaving. I-I only got one more. I only got one more, but you guys were an amazing crowd. So, let’s end on this one right here. So, uh, my lovely wife has given me two beautiful children. And, uh, few months back, I was, uh, giving my son a bath. He was 3 at the time, right? So, I’m giving him a bath, right? I wash him and everything. I rinse him off, and then I– he stand– I stand him up. I go, “Alright, buddy, it’s your turn.” I hand him the washcloth, and I’m like, “Alright, buddy.” I go, “It’s your turn. You gotta wash your pee-pee, right?” ‘Cause I don’t touch that part of him ’cause I got touched as a kid, and he’s not gonna become a comedian, right?
Basically, so…
[laughing, cheering] [laughs] It ends with me, right? So, I go… I go, “Alright, buddy, it’s your turn. Here’s the washcloth. Wash your pee-pee.” Three years old, he looks right back at me, he goes,
“And my balls.” [laughs]
[audience laughing]
[applause, cheering]
Dude, my heart almost stopped! I was like, “Who-Who taught you that word? You’re not in school yet! How do you know that word?” I knew it was me. I knew it was me. I was just trying to think. I’m going, “Who taught you that word? And please don’t say that to Mom ’cause she’s gonna kill me.” And I was thinking, “How– When the fuck did I say that to him that he knew to say that?” And I realized we were potty training him, and I didn’t realize I was saying that word ’cause, you know, he’d be like, “Dad, I gotta go pee-pee. I gotta go pee-pee.” So, we’d set him down on the toilet, and he would go. I’d be, “Oh, who’s a big boy?” You know, hand him the toilet paper. I’d be like, “Alright, let’s go. Wipe your pee-pee,” right? And f-for whatever reason, he was like, reaching way down under. [laughing]
He was going way down under like that.
[laughter] So, I was going like, “No, dude. No, higher. “You gotta go– “Dude, you’re wiping your balls. Those are your balls, man. “You gotta, gotta wipe where the pee comes out. Higher, higher, higher! Dude, you’re still wiping your balls. Higher. There you go! There, right!” And I did say balls because, you know, that’s what they’re called! You know? There’s a million cute words for your dick, right? Your ding-a-ling, your ding-dong, your wing-wang, whatever the fuck you call it.
[laughter] But your balls, [stammers] they’re just your balls, right? So, that’s what I said. And this little man, he put it in the bank and just waited, like, two months for the perfect moment! “Here you go, buddy. Wash your pee-pee.” And he just, “And my balls.” [laughter, applause] Yeah, and I gotta be honest with you. I have never been so proud of him in my life. To be a father and hear your 3-year-old son go, “My balls,” you’re like, “That’s right. “You got fucking balls, buddy. You got balls. “You don’t break ’em for nobody. Come on. “Punch me in the shoulder. Punch me in the shoulder. Go Pats. Go Pats.” Alright, you guys were awesome! Thank you so much for coming out!
[cheering, applause]
I had a great time with you! I will see you next time I come through! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[applause, cheering]
[audience fades out]
[street noise]
[street noise continues]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct yelling] Do you know how good you go it, lady?!
