Bad Shabbos (2024)
Director: Daniel Robbins
Screenplay: Zack Weiner Daniel Robbins
Stars: Kyra Sedgwick, Method Man, Jon Bass, Milana Vayntrub
Plot: At a Shabbat dinner meant to introduce an engaged interfaith couple’s parents, a fatal accident throws the evening into chaos. Desperate, the dysfunctional Jewish family attempts a farcical cover-up before the conservative Catholic in-laws arrive. The night spirals into a hilarious disaster of escalating lies, makeshift rituals, and frantic attempts to conceal the body. The shared trauma ultimately binds the family closer, though not without absurd misadventures and help from their doorman.
* * *
Bad Shabbos (2024) | Transcript
[Soft music playing]
♪
Man: OK, OK.
This one is better.
Second man: Another one?
Oh, you’re killing me.
First man: Aw, come on, you don’t want to hear ’em, I won’t tell ’em.
Second man: No, no, no, tell.
First man: Oh, now you want to hear it?
Tell the joke, I’d love to hear it.
OK, all right.
So, this Rabbi and his prized student are walking in the old country, right?
And they decide to pitch their tent for the night in some pasture, and they fall asleep.
Yeah.
A few hours later, the Rabbi wakes up and-and hehe shakes, he shakes his student and says, “Avi, Avi, wake up!
Look up. What do you see?”
And he says, “I see a million stars, Rabbi.”
And he said, “But what do you learn from this?”
And he thinks, and he looks up, and says–
Oh, shit!
What?
Sheesh.
[Opening credits music begins]
♪
[Jazz music playing]
♪
We gotta pick up a challah.
So, your parents are good on Shabbos?
Yeah, they, I mean, they know what this is.
They just haven’t been to one before.
OK, I just don’t want them to freak out.
They’re not gonna freak out.
I told them to expect some prayers and to keep their phones in their pockets.
Great. Hi, Gary.
Gary: You guys ready for tonight?
H-how do you know about that?
Gary: Your dad was here earlier.
OK. you mind putting this on my tab?
You know, I’ll put on your mom’s.
That’s the one I was talking about.
Love you, Gary.
Love you.
[Man talking indistinctly]
♪
[Music fades out]
Hey!
Hey!
Oh, watch out.
The hottest couple on the Upper West Side coming through.
Oh, I don’t know about that.
Aw, come on, now.
Oh, David…
I got the menorah, brother.
David: Mmm.
You know what it’s gonna be, right?
It’s gonna be lit.
♪ It’s gonna be lit! ♪
So, you guys, uh, ready for tonight?
You talked to my Dad?
Man: Yeah we kind of talked a little bit. Y’all nervous?
No.
Very.
Well…
Well, you just seemed like
I think I’m a little
I’m, like, excited, but–
Guys it’ll be fine, come on.
I tell you what, when Cano takes over my shift, I’ll pop upstairs and I’ll smooth things out.
You good with in-laws from Wisconsin?
I am great with in-laws from Wisconsin.
Read my resume, brother.
Well, there we go.
There we go.
And, Meg, you have nothing to worry about.
Just make sure you sit next to my guy Richie.
Oh, well, I usually sit next to this guy, but maybe I won’t this time.
[Woman coughs]
Mrs. Grundwerg, good to see you.
She seems great.
Seriously, I mean David’s cool and all, but Richie?
Come on man, Richie’s the shit.
Am I right?
You are right.
She agrees with me.
I do agree with you.
Meg: Richie is the shit.
Good Shabbos, guys!
Good Shabbos!
[Elevator dings]
It’s “Good Shabbos,” right?
Yeah, that’s it.
Shabbos.
Just that your mom always corrects me, so I just-I want–
No, it’s perfect.
You said it perfectly.
Shabbos?
Yeah, you always say it perfectly.
OK.
Yeah, it’s impeccable.
All right.
You’re so good.
Good.
You look good. You are good.
Marry me.
Well, I’m going to.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
[Elevator doors open]
We should have eloped.
Yeah, I agree.
OK.
Good?
David: Yeah. What?
Meg: Just smudged a little…
Man: What about the macaroni salad?
Woman: That’s for Adam.
Man: Oh. Well, what about the marinated mushrooms?
I mean, nobody even likes them.
Woman: You eat the marinated mushrooms.
No I don’t.
I’ve seen you eat it.
Man: No, I only eat it because you buy it.
Woman: I only buy it because you eat it.
Meg: Good Shabbos!
David: Good Shabbos!
Woman: Oh, my God!
Man: Oh, they’ve arrived!
You’ve arrived!
Yeah, yeah.
And you brought the challah, too.
Couldn’t forget that.
David: Yeah, we got the fruit, too.
Oh, you got fruit, too?
They got fruit, too.
Can you believe it?
Oh, that’s so thoughtful.
Is it cut?
No, but I can cut it.
Woman: Oh, no, that’s OK.
You enjoy yourself.
Meg: It’s really, it’s fine.
It’s like the one thing I know how to do.
Oh, that’s a… milchig knife.
Oh!
David, forks!
Yeah, OK.
Right here.
David: Oh, sorry.
There you go.
Thank you. Super.
David: And it’s called the Alexander Technique?
Yeah, you know, I feel a straight spine gives you a sense of calm, you know, a sense of authority. I like that.
Uh-huh.
Hey, what did you think of the book, by the way?
About Alexander Technique?
No, no.
Non-Violent Communication, N.V.C.
Oh, yeah, N.V.C.
Um, you know… I bought it.
Oh, hey, David, it’s a game changer.
I think it’s gonna help you at the office, too.
Yeah, you know, I just, I don’t know how much it’s gonna help with negotiations, Dad.
David, it is about everything, every facet of life.
OK.
You look insane.
But I feel good.
All right.
Should I cut the other half?
Oh!
Is that OK?
I’ll take over.
No, no, I can do it.
No, no, no, it’s fine.
No, Ellen, please, I enjoy it, it’s fine.
Could you just
What?
I…I like to serve it in cubes.
Yeah. No, I-totally.
I get it.
It’s a quick fix.
It’s easy.
OK.
Yeah.
I’ll be sure to bring my melon baller next time.
So, um, the Rabbi was saying something really-really funny yesterday after class.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
He was saying how um, well, the good thing about converts is that we bring new genes to the pool so that can help with diseases like colitis and, um
I don’t have colitis.
No, I know. No, sorry.
I think that he meant in general that it’s–
Ellen: But no one in our family has that problem.
No, right.
So, I think he just-I think he meant as like a, like a joke.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, my baby! There’s my little zeeskeit!
Aw, look at the face.
Look at the face, look at the face!
David: Hey, Mom, we need some glasses.
Ellen: OK, check the dishwasher.
David: Hi, Larry. Oh, you’re making little cubes.
Ellen: Did you say hello to your brother?
David: Uh, no, I was helping Dad with the–
Ellen: Well, go say hi.
He probably heard you come in. I bet he’s already offended.
I’ll be right back.
You don’t have to be right back.
David: Uh-huh.
Richard, I was talking to Jordan downstairs.
He loves you.
Ha! Jordan’s the shit.
Ha ha.
♪
Hey, come on, you can do that on the balcony.
Man: Uh, no, thank you.
I’ve heard enough from your dad about oral fixations.
Who are you texting?
You want to check it?
We’re 20 minutes late.
Can you please just–
Tell them I’m parking the car.
What?
What!
No car. No car on Shabbos.
We don’t drive on Shabbos!
And yet…
OK, this is-this is what we’ll say.
We forgot the wine.
Here, take this.
So, you went to pick it up on 74th Street.
Great.
So can you say it?
We forgot the wine, and I got it–
On 74th Street!
On 74th.
This is mine.
I’m taking this. OK?
♪
Ellen: Richard, there won’t be anything left for dinner.
Woman: Hello!
[Sighs]
Finally she’s here.
[Both chuckle]
Ellen: Abella!
What happened?
What do you mean?
The Uber just was late.
Ellen: Well, you should have checked Lyft.
The fastest option would be driving.
What?
Hey Abb.
Hey!
Hi! Ah…
Where’s Benjamin?
Is he coming?
Yeah, he’s coming.
He’s just grabbing wine.
Oh.
Yeah.
Ellen: And things are good?
Abby: Yeah! Very good.
Good.
Abby: With your face, why are you doing that?
What? No, nothing.
You did mention that
Mom!
No, nothing, good.
I’m glad everything’s good.
Great.
OK, good, good.
I’m glad it’s great.
It’s very good.
[Loud techno music playing indistinctly]
♪
Man: Yeah.
Uh, it’s David.
Man: Alexa pause.
[Music continues]
Pause, bitch!
[Music stops]
Hey, bud!
[Man sighs]
Hey, I’d hug you, but I’m really sweaty.
That’s OK.
Are those my boxers?
No.
Why don’t you get in the shower, man?
No, I’m way too stressed right now.
That’s nice. I thought Abby was the only one who cared about making a good impression.
Man: What you talking about?
Abby only gives a shit about herself.
The way she lets her boyfriend speak to me?
It’s disgusting.
Let’s just maybe, like, cool it on Benjamin.
Benjamin?
That slimy cock-suck?
OK.
Imagine if I had a girlfriend who was rude to Abby.
Do you think I’d try to be fair?
Do you think I would giggle and say, “Be nice?” No.
No. No, no.
I’d get mad at my girlfriend, and I probably already would have dumped her by this point if she’s the type of person to denigrate my siblings.
So this has nothing to do with Meg’s parents?
I don’t know Meg’s parents.
Well, you know, they’re–
Man: I’m sure they’re fine. Meg’s really nice.
Adam, they’re coming for dinner tonight.
Oh, cool. I’m excited to meet them.
David: Yeah, so maybe don’t start any shit with Abby or–
Benjamin that philandering cock-suck?
Sure, yeah, the cock-suck. Just be quiet or be nice. Please?
He starts shit with me, man.
I know.
You know that.
I know!
But these people, they’re like…not used to families arguing.
What are they, Mormon?
No, they’re polite. OK?
So, please, I am beg
OK, OK.
Don’t worry.
I won’t strike first.
Thank you.
But…
If he provokes me, I will respond with full force.
OK.
Oh. Right back to it.
[Sighs]
[Music resumes]
♪
[Music fades out]
David!
Hey, Ben!
What’s crappening?
Any secret tips for me?
Tips?
Mergees, acquisishees?
No, only uh, well, Meg’s parents are coming tonight. So… so the merging of-of fam-families.
I’m sorry, man.
That is rough.
Well, listen, don’t worry about it, just keep playing the role of nice boyfriend and look to the bachelor party.
Bachelor party?
You know, where it’s gonna be, what we’re gonna do.
I haven’t really thought about it that much.
Oh, you know what, Meg and her friends are doing a spa day, Maybe we can hop on that train.
That’s good.
You’re in character.
All right. Yo?
Ben, just a small favor.
Could you just maybe take it easy on Adam tonight, you know, try to avoid any open conflict?
What, did he say something?
No, nothing.
It’s just, you know, last week and the week before that…
I never start it.
I know.
You know that.
I know.
Why would I pick a fight with a toddler?
That’s exactly the type of thing you shouldn’t say.
David, David, you’ll be great.
Thank you.
Not worried… about me.
Everyone, phones off and away.
It’s time to light.
Abby, come.
Richard.
Sorry.
Did you light yet?
Oh, no, no, I haven’t practiced the blessing enough yet.
It’s fine.
OK, well, now’s your chance.
Let’s go.
OK.
[Match strikes]
♪
[Singing Hebrew prayer]
[Praying continues]
You crushed that.
Thank you.
Good Shabbos.
Good Shabbos.
Good Shabbos.
Good Shabbos.
[Toilet flushes]
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
Oh, hey, Benj!
Richie.
Hey.
How you doing?
Good, yeah.
You good?
What do you-what do you got there?
A little Galina Bordeaux.
Galina?
Grapes from Israel, but the varietal’s from France.
Varietal?
Varietal.
It’s got the wax seal.
That’s how you know it’s fancy.
Oh, that’s wonderful.
Thank you.
Happy to.
Thank you for that.
But you know what?
I go for the… reserva tequila.
God, I hate it here.
Meg: I don’t think we’re gonna do it in New York.
It’s too–
Meg, I tell you, tonight is gonna be terrific.
I promise you, I have a million questions for your parents.
Here you go, Ben.
Meg: I’m so happy to hear that, Richard.
Abby: I do love that we pregame family dinner.
Yeah.
Me too.
Richard: Well, you know, Wisconsin is the number-one exporter of cheese, so one state is making all this delightful cheese for everybody to enjoy.
Cheese, yeah.
Uhhuh.
You know her parents aren’t farmers, right?
Meg: Yeah, but my Grandpa was a cheese fanatic, so my Dad loves talking cheese.
God, I miss dairy. I would murder for a slice of pizza.
Abby: Yeah, not as long as we share about bathroom.
Cheers.
Richie, what do we got?
Oh, that’s a tequila cosmo.
How long has it been?
Oh, since I’ve had pizza or dairy in general?
Ellen, it’s such a good question.
I want to say, God, I want to say college?
Maybe even earlier.
Been a while.
Mmm, that would kill me.
Abby: Where is Adam?
Probably taking a nap.
No, he’s changing, Ben.
Richard: You know, Adam’s been working out a lot.
You know, he’s really dedicated.
He’s very buff.
He’s become very buff.
Yeah, I mean, not mass, but densedenser.
Richard: Yeah, he works out in his room. You know, just simple calisthenics.
He should try going to a gym.
Well
Adam’s a homebody.
Right.
But he doesn’t, like, work, doesn’t…explore.
Richard: Well, he worked for Benjamin this summer.
For two weeks.
It was a memorable two weeks.
Ellen: He knows what he wants, and he knows what he doesn’t want.
He refused to learn PowerPoint.
Abby!
Hey, Adam!
[All greeting Adam]
Adam!
Hey, the Golden Intern.
Good thing you don’t need to use PowerPoint in the Navy SEALs.
There he is.
Meg: Does the Israeli army have a Navy SEALs, Adam?
It’s called Shayetet, IDF’s most elite combat unit.
Ellen: IDF?
You can’t go to the IDF.
What do they need you for?
I’m sure any military would welcome young men in peak physical condition.
Physical and mental condition. Don’t forget your sharp mind, Adam.
David: Um, Mom, the food smells deliciousEllen: How can you go to the IDF? You don’t even speak the language.
I know the aleph bet, the building blocks of the language.
Wow. That’s impressive.
I really don’t think you need to comment.
♪ Alef Bet Gimmel… ♪
What’s with the comments?
It’s fine.
Sing it, Adam.
I am singing it.
And then it’s Vav, right?
Yeah, Vav.
Whoa, very good Meg!
Thank you.
♪ Yud, Chaf
Lamen, Mem, Nun
♪
I think he’s ready to deploy.
What is with you?
David: You have this weird obsession. It’s strangeI’m saying nice things. You’re all acting like he’s an idiot.
Abby: We’re not saying that he’s an idiot.
David: No one’s saying he’s an idiot.
I need a Klonopin.
Ellen: Aw, Adam!
It’s not Aw.
There’s no Aw!
Yeah, but Klonopin gets you all constipated.
Mom!
David: Great, now he’s gonna be pissed all of dinner.
No, he’s about to get zonked out.
This’ll be better.
[Loud music playing]
[Man singing in native language]
♪
[Pills crush]
♪
[Loud music ends]
Hey, David, got an idea for you.
Maybe you should chill a little.
David: All the nights to do this stupid bullshit and pick a fight.
Oh, my God.
OK, so it’s not about Adam.
[Cell phone dings]
It’s just about you and your perfect night.
You’re so selfobsessed.
What’s wrong with that?
Oh, they’re running late.
Thank God.
Adam!
Meg: Adam. Hey!
Big A!
How you feeling, sweetie?
Thank you all for the concern, but I’m always one Klonopin away from total serenity.
That’s good, Adam.
It is good, Abby.
It’s very good.
Some Klonopin and a little mindfulness.
That’s the key.
Probably pretty important for the army.
It’s definitely key, Meg.
Based on my research, a good soldier has to ignore every distraction, no matter how morally debased his enemy is.
Dad, can I refill your glass?
Oh, sure!
Ellen: I think the Klonopin’s helping.
Richard: Who knows?
Hey, who wants to play Bananagrams while we’re waiting?
Oh, my God.
No one wants to play, but
I do!
You wanna play?
Well, I would
Maybe after dinner.
Richard: No, I’ll set it up.
Just a round.
No, she said after dinner.
We’ll do a warmup.
Ellen: We said no.
Richard: Look, you know, we always start playing and you love it.
I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
Nobody wants to play!
OK.
Dad!
Ellen: Agreed.
Nobody wants to play.
Richard: OK.
Just an idea.
We’ll play after dinner.
OK.
It’s never as good after dinner because people are drunk and tired.
[Water running]
[Exhales]
Beth, John, all the way from Milwaukee.
Beth, John, Big John, thanks for coming all the way fromfrom Milwaukee. I love you.
Hey, Papa John!
Don’t…say that.
You got this.
Hey, Ben, I’m really
[Stomach growling]
[Unzips zipper]
[Stomach growling]
[Grunting and groaning]
Wonderful.
[Farting]
Ohh!
[Crack!]
Abby: I’m not saying he was being nice.
Ellen: You’re saying he was trying to make conversation, and I’m saying I don’t think it was a good conversation.
I agree.
OK, well maybe if somebody asked him a question, he wouldn’t feel the need to discuss Adam.
So, you’re saying that Mom is not warm enough to Benjamin, and you’re saying that Benjamin focuses on topics that are not really helpful in terms of the family dynamic.
Why is he doing that?
Why is he saying everything we’re saying?
It’s that book. It tells him to narrate conversations.
Well, we wouldn’t need a narrator if everybody would read the book.
N.V.C. NonViolent Communication.
You should put Adam first.
Adam is family. He’s gonna be around forever.
Benjamin, we’re not so sure.
What does that mean?
David: Well, I mean, you’re the one who said that, you knowAbby: Ah! Not now.
A couple of weeks ago, you said you were gonna break up with him.
But I haven’t found the right moment.
It’s tough to find the right moment when you’re so far apart.
He lives in Williamsburg.
If you have to go over a bridge, it might as well be Jersey.
Hey, where is Benjamin?
I need to apologize to him.
For what?
Dad, please don’t.
Richard: He needs to know that I have things to say to him.
He doesn’t, and he’s probably gonna be a while.
Well, that’s because he’s hurting.
I think it’s because he has an issue.
Mmm.
What issue?
It’s like a medical thing.
What do you care?
I don’t care. I just didn’t know he had an issue.
It’s just colitis.
He’s not dying.
Yeah, what is that exactly?
It’s the reason he can’t have dairy.
Ellen: Colitis makes the linings of your intestines all puffy.
Richard: Doesn’t the Meshbesher kid have that?
What was his name?
Ellen: Going to the bathroom becomes a very dangerous thing.
Richard: Ron! Ron Meshbesher.
Ron. That’s his name.
Wait, you said that the Rabbi said something funny about colitis, right?
Oh, um, no, no, no. It wasIt was offensive, actually.
Oh. OK.
Yeah.
♪
[Whispering]
Benj…
Buddy?
How you doing in there?
[Knocking harder]
[In normal voice]
Hello?
Benj! Ha ha!
Yeah. Yeah, that’s great.
That’syeah.
No, that’s very funny.
Say nothing if you’re OK?
♪
OK.
Abby: I feel like Mom knows I drove on Shabbos.
David: If she knew, you’d know.
Abby: Yeah.
Meg: Can’t you just tell her that Benjamin drives and you’re just, like, in the car and…
Abby and David: Umm…
[Laughter]
David: You know, you could try, be like, “Hey, Mom, sometimes I get in the car on Shabbos.”
Abby: “Officer, sometimes I travel with a kilo in my carryon.”
Meg: Well, whatever.
I don’t think it could be worse than her reaction to when David told her about our engagement.
Abby: Oh, no. What’d she say?
I told you what she said.
Abby: No, you just told me that she disapproved.
Oh! No, you can tell her.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You can say.
Do it!
Fine.
Tell her.
David: All right.
It was after Grandpa died and she was sitting Shiva and
Ho ho! Perfect timing.
I don’t know. I thought now’s as good a time as any.
She’ll never be more upset than she is right now.
So I sat down next to her and I said, “Mom, I proposed to Meg and she said yes.”
You’re welcome.
Thank you.
And she turned to me and did that blank stare that she does.
Perfect.
And just goes, “I just started mourning my father.
Now I have to mourn my son.”
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, it’s been a while, though.
I’m pretty sure she loves me now.
David: I mean, she has gotten better.
She has, you know, I mean, ever since you started taking the classes.
Yeah, um…
You know I’m on your side, right?
No, I know. I’d just like my parents there, too.
Abby: What do you mean?
Well, they’re just firmly Catholic, and I kind of want them to be on board with the whole conversion thing.
And they’re just a little
Hey, yeah, that’s sweet.
That’s really sweet.
[Voice cracking]
David, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure, bud.
Is he OK?
Well, no, he’s on pills and they’re not working.
Nice.
He won’t come out.
OK.
He’s been in there for many minutes.
OK.
Benjamin, everything OK in there?
Benj!
You sure he’s in there?
Mmhmm.
[Rattles door knob]
Where’s the key?
I don’t know.
[Rattles door knob]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
There’s something I need to say.
OK.
Benjamin took my laxatives.
What do you mean?
He asked me for a laxative, so I gave him one.
Benjamin asked you for a laxative?
Did you slip him a laxative?
Shit!
Did you actually do that?
You know he has colitis!
Well, now I do!
Oh, God!
OK. OK.
So you gave him a laxative.
3.
3?
I gave him 3.
That’s so many.
I crushed it into a powder because, you know, you don’t know how much he’s gonna drink.
Right, of course.
Basic science!
This was just supposed to make him shit.
Why are you like this?
Of course you pull this shit on the one night that Meg’s parents are coming to town.
You know what?
He is such a prick to me!
This was just a goof.
I was just razzing him.
Shush!
Let’s just find the key.
[Ding]
Adam.
[Key turns in lock]
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Adam: What?
Oh, I smell it!
All right, Benj, I’m coming in!
Oh, God!
No, no, no, no, no.
Does he have a pulse?
No.
Adam, does he have a pulse!
No!
Initiating compressions.
Should Ishould I do the mouth part, or
No, that’s obsolete!
Yeah.
Don’t worry.
I never lose a man.
[Bone snaps]
He’s a goner.
OK.
OK.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What?
We have to…discuss.
There’s nothing to discuss.
Wait! Wait!
I just want to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.
Me?
OK, OK, he’s toast, OK?
There’s absolutely no chance of him surviving.
Look, I understand, and I’m here for you.
And I love you.
You’re my brother.
But right now we got to call an ambulance.
[Whispering]
No, no, no, no. David, David, David, David, David…
Look…he’s been in there for well over 8 minutes.
He’s toast.
Stop saying that.
Nobody says that.
But he is!
We’re not just gonna leave a dead body in there.
Use your head! As soon as they do the bloodwork, it’s gonna be obvious what happened to him.
Why?
Because he has a prescription laxative in his system and there’s only one person in this house who can’t take a shit!
Well, hopefully they don’t check for that.
Hopefully?!
Get out of my way.
Adam, stop!
Stop it!
This is nice.
Yes.
No, no!
That’s great, I’m gonna go to Rikers.
Rikers is closing.
A different jail then!
Yeah.
Look, this was an accident, OK?
I can handle warfare.
We both know that, but not jail.
I can’t do jail.
I won’t get a gun.
[Benjamin passes gas]
Look… make any call you want to, but he is dead.
So, if you make this decision, you are just rolling the dice with my life.
Meg, your parents know it’s for 7:00?
Yeah, yeah, they’re on their way.
Ellen: OK. It’s–
OK.
[Loud crunching]
Abby, can you wait for dinner?
Oh, no, it’s seaweed.
It’s not real food.
How come you let her eat something, but not me?
Ellen: She’s not eating the dinner.
It’s for the guests.
It’s a technical difference.
Abby?
Yeah?
Can we have a quick sibling conference?
For what?
[Whispering]
It’s a surprise.
Abby: OK.
[Whispering]
They’re very close.
I know.
So nice.
They really love each other.
Uh, uh, um…
What are you doing?
What’s a sibling conference?
What’s wrong with him?
Hello.
Before we continue, I think it’s important for you to remember you’ve been trying to find the right way to break up with BenjaminShhh! Shush it!
Adam: Don’t worry.
He can’t hear us.
How do you know?
Uh…
Abby, whispering: Is it a turd?
God, it does stink.
Is he dead?
No. No, he’s not dead.
Hey.
Hey, Beej?
OK, so he is dead, but I just really don’t want you to scream.
[Abby screams]
Shush!
Ellen: Uh, hey, is everything OK?
Everything’s good, everything’s great.
Hey!
Hi!
Dad, could I bother you for a quick chat?
Well, yeah, sure.
David, whispering: Great. Be right back.
I love you.
OK.
So, David tells me you’re going to share a d’var Torah.
Uhhuh. Yep, it’s from class.
Oh good. Good.
Yeah, it’s good.
You know, I actually, I mostly learned about the New Testament growing up, so it has been really cool reading up on the Torah.
It’s like the prequel.
Well, I don’t know if it’s the prequel.
It’s the main one.
Right, no yeah, IThat’s, that’s what I meant, um…you know, Judaism is, um… well, it’s something that I have always wanted to find out more about.
You know, like the culture and the TV shows of people just living in New York…City.
Yeah.
Look, Meg, we appreciate you taking the classes and clearly you’re very bright and kind.
I feel like there’s a “but” coming.
“And” it’s…it’s like I have this houseplant that was given to me by my mother that she got from her mother in Germany, who received it from her mother, who was given it by her mother, and so on for a hundred generations.
That’s a long time.
And now it feels like… like I’m handing this houseplant over to someone who took an online course in gardening.
The classes are in person.
[Running footsteps]
[Praying in Hebrew]
Dad, Dad, Dad!
[Praying continues]
Dad, please stop mumbling.
David: He’s not mumbling, he’s praying.
I don’t care! Stop it!
Well you stop yelling!
Oh, great.
Let’s do your thing then.
I’m gonna stop yelling if you do something about your son murdering my boyfriend!
Can we please just, please be quiet!
Richard: You know, in Korea, they respect their elders.
Then move to Korea!
Adam: Look, Abby, I told you this was a harmless accident.
Dad?
Harmless? Harmless?!
We need to do something before Meg’s parents get here.
Oh, because what could be more important than Meg’s parents?
Abby wants to betray us.
Me?!
You didn’t mean to do it, right?
No, of course not.
Stop doing that!
What?
Protecting him!
I did everything I could to get you that job!
It was an unpaid internship!
I don’t care what it was!
He was my boyfriend and now he’s dead!
Weren’t you gonna break up with him?
Maybe!
I’m definitely not gonna pretend like it didn’t happen!
Like, just some spoiled, manipulative-Benjamin cheated on you!
You think I quit because of PowerPoint?
I quit because he was gallivanting around making a cuck out of my sister with some blonde at the–
OK, that’s enough!
Oh, my God, you knew.
And you stayed with him.
I RSVP’d to a wedding.
Abby…please.
What’s Mom gonna say?
She won’t mind.
How’s that?
We won’t tell her.
What the hell is going on?
[Prayer resumes]
[Running footsteps]
[Murmured shouting]
There’s nothing really to see.
Aaah!
OK, Mom…
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Mom! It’s OK!
Shh! Shh!
Oh, that poor boy!
Mom, we need to talk about this.
Oh, my God, that poor boy.
Let’s just talk about it.
What did you do?
Do you want a Klonopin?
[Distant frantic voices]
[Texting]
[Message sent notification]
[Frantic voices continue]
Ellen: What happened exactly?
You did what?
Adam: No, exactly.
Now I do one prank and I’m the bad guy.
Yes! You literally just murdered someone.
I wasn’t trying to murder him.
There are more efficient ways of doing that.
Get out of my face.
OK, I think we just all agree that what Adam did was a freak accident.
And now we are all covering up a murder, which is against the law!
Adam: Not if you do it well.
Abby: Oh, my God, you are so creepy.
Truly, I think he has to face the consequences of his actions.
So, what, we just accept that Adam goes to jail?
Abby wants me to get rammed in the ass!
Stop saying that.
It’s homophobic!
No, it’s not!
It kinda is.
Ellen: You should care for your brothers half as much as you care about policing our speech.
Oh, are you serious right now?
[Crying]
I don’t know what I am.
Abby, I just want to say I don’t blame you at all for being upset.
I mean this is horrific.
Aw, thank you so much for understanding.
Adam: I’m really very sorry.
Ellen: OK, What he did was stupid, but it was an accident.
His life should be ruined because of an accident?
Mom, I could give a shit!
Now it’s about being practical, OK?
We got to either come up with a plan, or call this in because then we’re all screwed.
OK, then let’s come with a plan.
Fine!
OK, the plan…
I don’t have a plan, but I do know that we’re all gonna figure this out because everyone here is family.
[Gasp]
Is he dead?
My daughter!
[Glasses clink]
Uh…
Meg!
Hey, hey!
Meg!
Abby: Meg, I just, I need you to trust us!
Ellen: Just give us two minutes to explain. Please.
Abby: He’s my boyfriend, and if there’s any chance he’d be OK, I promise you, we would have already called an ambulance by now.
Ellen: Just don’t do anything sudden.
David: It was a freak accident and now Adam is implicated.
Don’t tell her that!
Well, it’s true.
Don’t do anything sudden, please.
Abby: We just need one minute to explain.
Adam: Aw, shit!
Aw, shit, shit, shit!
Say something!
David: Meg!
I love you, and this is your choice.
How could you!?
What!?
Meg, please don’t call the police.
I’m calling my parents…
[Ringing]
…to cancel.
Ellen: Oh, thank God.
[Ringing continues]
[Recording]
Hello, this is John.
Shit.
He’s not answering, but we texted earlier and they said that they were running late.
David: Right. So we should just assume that they’re coming any minute now.
Oh, yeah.
Can we think of an idea, just anything, anything that could possibly save Adam?
Thanks, Mom.
OK, so, if they find Benjamin’s body here, that’s an obvious connection to Adam.
You need to move Benjamin to his apartment, right?
You know, give him one of those New York deaths.
OK.
What is that?
You know, somebody dies in their apartment, and then they just lay there for a couple of days until somebody else smells the body, and then they call the landlord and they find him.
Ellen: Uhh!
So, we just drive Benjamin to his apartment and leave him there?
Yeah! That’s the plan.
Can you go downstairs and change out of your murder pants?
Well, what car do you plan on using?
Benjamin’s.
It’s all the way in Brooklyn!
[Ellen gasps]
You drove here?
How is this worse than murder?
Oh…
David: Mom, lock it up.
If we’re gonna do something, we need to do it immediately.
Where are his keys?
I’ll get them.
Thank you. OK. OK.
OK. OK.
[Meg gasps]
No, not OK.
We cannot move Benjamin to his car.
What? Why not?
Curry.
Hey Jordan!
Oh, shibruh!
Sorry.
Yo, are you good?
You’re looking kind of bad right now.
No, I’m fine. I’m fine.
I’m fine.
Could you maybe um, do me a fava little-it’s just a little favor?
Yeah?
It’s kind of a huge one.
OK…
Could you maybe just delete all the lobby footage for the rest of the night?
Delete the footage?
Uh-huh.
Aw shit, what’s going on?
What’s going…
Nothing.
Obviously it’s not nothing, you’re asking me to delete the foot–
It’s just something that I really can’t get into right now, so it’s really hard to explain.
Come on, you could tell me.
I really can’t.
Yes, you can.
Look at you, man.
Obviously, you need my help.
No, believe me… please.
This is something that you can’t help with.
OK, Jordan, this is um…
[Whispering]
This is as bad as it gets.
Is Richie OK?
Oh, yeah, he’s fine.
Oh, my God. Look, bro, I don’t know what this is, but I know you need my help.
I mean, you’re basically asking me to…
Don’t you think it’s suspicious if Friday’s footage just disappeared?
You should ask me to delete the whole drive.
Is that possible?
Yes.
David, you guys, the Gelfands, you’re family, bro.
Richie talks to me about real shit.
Richie talks to me about Jewish shit, bro.
You know I been here 15 years.
Mmhmm.
And there’s only one apartment I rock with…
10B.
You’ll do it?
You’ll delete the footage?
Absolutely.
Jordan, thank you so much.
No, no problem, bruh.
Thank you.
Jordan: All right, now, let me upstairs to help you fix this.
Don’t look at me like that, brother. We’re family, right?
Can’t be nothing I haven’t seen before.
Jordan–
And now that I’m involved in whatever this is, I got to make sure you don’t mess it up.
[Cell phone ringing]
Meg: They’re not picking up.
Recording: Hello, this is John.
I should go down and wait for them, right?
[Door opens]
What’s popping, 10B?
Ellen: Jordan, you’re here.
Why are you here?
David: He’s gonna help us.
That’s right.
I’m gonna help you guys.
David?
Jordan, I think we should go.
Jordan: Uh, no, we’re not going anywhere.
We’re not going anywhere.
Adam: What are you doing here?
Jordan: Adam, hi.
Skipping leg day, I see.
Meg…how’s it going so far?
Could be better.
All right.
I’m gonna get you out of this.
He’s gonna get us out.
You know “Pulp Fiction,” the guy with the suit?
David: The guy with the suit-Sam Jackson.
The white one.
John Travolta?
Nope, the one with the mustache.
Mario.
The wolf.
Bingo. The wolf.
I’m your wolf, baby.
We are so fucked.
Now… show me what’s up.
What could be the big deal?
All right.
Why is he on his back?
You gotta roll him on his side, bruh.
You gotta roll him on his side.
He’s toast.
Uh-huh. Big time.
Why didn’t anyone say he’s dead?
Well, Jordan…
I implied.
How, David?
Hmm? How?
When you said you needed help-I was very stern with how I said that we needed help.
I’m a freaking doorman.
Help to me?
Changing a light bulb.
Finding Richard’s Orthotics upstairs.
I don’t do dead body, David.
Oh, God, I just, II thought, you know, you were so insistent–
Nuuhhh.
You just–
Never imply dead.
Never imply dead.
You say dead. You don’t imply it. OK?
Yeah.
Now I’m dead.
Dead to rights.
Fingerprints everywhere, David.
I, uh…
I touched his neck, didn’t I?
You touched him all over.
Shit!
Ellen: Jordan, I’m so sorry.
You should go back downstairs.
We won’t involve you.
You better believe I’m involved.
We’re across the Red Sea, and there’s no turning back now, Ellen.
I have a soluti–oh, Jordan!
Ha ha! Richard, what’s happening?
What it do?
Oh, you know, I’m trying to be like you, pimp.
Richard: Oh, say less!
Salute!
Yeah, but things are bad.
Hey, don’t worry about it, my guy.
I’m gonna take care of this.
No, no, that’s not necessary.
I know exactly what to do.
O.F.N.R.
Meg: Is that like a medical term?
No.
It’s his stupid book.
Richard: Owe observe that there is a body.
F-we feel panic and tension.
Richard! Enough!
Jordan: OK, hold on now.
Let him finish.
Richie, go ahead.
Thank you, Jordan.
RI request…
Look, the Talmud has these laws.
Talmud’s always got something to say.
So, it’s forbidden to carry a dead body on Shabbos.
But the Talmud also says that it’s OK to carry an infant or a loaf of bread.
So, if we put a loaf of bread on the body, then it’s OK, because the body works like a platter.
Platter?
Doesn’t that make sense?
Thank you, Richard.
You’re welcome.
At this point, 911 isn’t an option.
Certainly not. We’ve already crossed the sea.
Exactly.
So does anyone have any bread?
No one’s getting any bread, Dad!
What, you got an infant?
OK, hold on. No one’s getting bread or an infant.
People, can we…
Shit.
Someone needs to go downstairs before my parents get here.
Hold on one minute, can we make a plan?
Oh, we already have one of those. Yeah.
We’re gonna take his body, we’re gonna put it in his car.
We’re gonna take him back to his apartment and we’re just going to leave it-we’re gonna leave him there.
A New York death.
Yeah, that’s plan “A,” but we need to get “B” and “C” working.
I think we should focus on “A.”
No, no, no, no. We only have time for one plan.
Jordan: OK, I’ll think as we go, all right?
But I need you all to follow my lead, no hesitation.
Are we on the same page?
1, 2, 3, all eyes on me.
Uh-huh.
Ellen, do you have any rugs?
Uh…Abby’s getting the comforter.
Comforter’s great!
I’ll go get it.
Thanks, Mom.
Jordan: Guys huddle up, let me quarterback this.
Richard, you are entirely too close.
No I’m fucking.
You know I love my guy.
Anyway, watch this. All right, when they come back, we’re gonna wrap the body in the comforter. Then… the luggage cart won’t work, obviously, because you can see right through it.
So, I’ll have to go next door and get the garbage cart.
Then, David
Yeah?
you and me are gonna put the body in and bring it to his car,
[Car alarm beeps]
After that, I can’t leave the building, so it’s gonna have to be Meg
Me.
and David who drive him back and carry him into his apartment.
Touchdown.
OK.
Yeah?
What am I supposed to do?
Close the curtains and scrub the bathroom with Lysol.
Why the curtains?
Richard, explain, please.
[Whispering]
I’m not sure.
Meg: So people can’t see in the windows.
Exactly.
And we got to hurry, my shift’s up at 8:00.
After that, we got to deal with Cano, and we don’t want to deal with Cano.
♪
Jordan: You’re pretty good at this.
Ellen: Just wrap it, like an egg roll.
Jordan: An egg roll? I hate egg rolls.
Jordan, I really think that someone needs to go downstairs and look for my parents.
That’s a good call.
Meg, that’s on you.
When you smoke blunts you gotta roll ’em tight.
I’m gonna get his legs.
OK.
Don’t ask.
[Gasps] Hi!
Mom! Dad!
Hi, sweetie!
Hey, guys!
Oh, my God!
Richard!
Dad! Dad!
Richard, don’t you dare!
Dad!
Yeah, he’s not coming back.
Meg: Dad!
John: Hi, how are you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, whoa!
[Laughter]
John: Now, that’s crazy, huh?
They’re here, right?
I mean, this is happening.
This is definitely happening.
Yep.
OK, OK! So we’re gonna go out there, We’re gonna be nice and we’re gonna be cordial, and then we’re gonna have a nice pleasant dinner, and then we’ll send them on their way!
OK?
OK.
Where is everyone?
♪ Hello! ♪
[Laughter]
They’ll be here in-in a second.
Are they not home?
Yes, they’re in the kitchen.
How did you guys get up here?
Well, there was no doorman, so we just headed on up.
Great.
Who do I give the wine to?
Um…
I’ll take that.
Hi! I’m Beth!
I don’t know who I am anymore.
Mom, eyes!
We got this!
Yeah.
Now go out there and say hi.
You go. They’re your in-laws!
Abby: This is a great start.
OK.
David: ♪ Hi! ♪
All the way from Milwaukee!
Hey!
[Laughter]
Hiya!
Hey.
Good to see ya.
Actually, we drove in from Connecticut.
Oh!
Yeah, we were visiting friends in Connecticut.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are the Packers?
Don’t remind him. He’s missing the game on Sunday.
The things we do for family.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Abby: Welcome!
Abby?
Yes!
John.
Hi.
He likes to learn everyone’s name in advance, Abby.
Well, I don’t memorize them, but I like to remember what I’m told.
Wow. That’s right.
Oh, I’m David’s sister and soon to be Meg’s sister.
Aww…
[Laughter]
[Thud in bathroom]
Cantaloupe.
Family loves cantaloupe.
Let’s go this way.
Can I help?
No, no, no, no.
We should go this way.
Can you help me in the–
We’re gonna show you–
Mom, let’s go.
…house stuff.
♪
[Horn honking]
♪
[Muttering]
[Door opens]
Ellen: Richard. Get. Up!
No.
Up!
No, I can’t, and I won’t!
I swear to God, I’ll drop this.
No, you wouldn’t!
Richard.
Your children need you.
David needs you to make a good impression and then kick them out in 18 minutes.
Look, I’m still trying to figure things out here.
Use your breathing technique.
Which one?
The Alexander Technique.
That’s for posture.
You’ll breathe on the way up.
In… Out… In…
John: Oh! We were caught in traffic for like–
Ellen: Hello, hello!
You must be John and Beth.
Now, which one is which?
[Laughter]
Richard.
No, you must be Beth.
Hi. I’m Richard.
And I guess that means you’re John?
That’s right.
Nice to meet you.
We apologize for being so late. I couldn’t believe the traffic.
You’re not late.
You’re our guests of honor.
Dinner starts when you arrive.
Mmm…
Mmhmm.
David was telling us that you’ve been married for 37 years.
On our way to 40.
Yeah, but it feels like 4 minutes…underwater.
Oh…
Ellen, softly: Richard.
Oh, John, would you like a yarmulke to wear for dinner?
Is it, uh, mandatory?
No, no, of course not.
I mean, some men like the tradition, but it’s–
Oh, that’s all right, thank you.
Oh, sure, no problem.
I’m just not much of a hat guy.
Yeah, me neither.
Mine’s always like, sliding off my head, you know?
Kind of strange…
Ellen: So… who wants to eat?
[Chairs scraping on floor]
[Clearing throat]
Ellen: Now we begin by singing a Hebrew song to welcome Shabbat, and then say a blessing before the meal.
Well, thank you.
We’re very curious.
Beth: Oh, OK, you had some.
Did you like it?
It has an “OU” on it so, you know, it’s Kosher.
Ellen: Fantastic. Thank you.
[David sings a Hebrew hymn]
[All sing Hebrew hymn]
♪
[Singing faster]
OK, that’s the end of the song.
Yes, that is it.
Good song, huh?
So, now it’s customary that we all stand before we start the meal.
It’s called Kiddush.
Oh, the Kiddush.
Oh, that’s an interesting word.
Richard: The wine-oh.
[Dripping]
Meg: It’s traditional to make the wine overflow to symbolize a good week overflowing with happiness.
Yeah.
Isn’t that right?
Right, yes, beautiful.
[Anxious laughter]
[Richard chants]
[Richard continues to chant in the dining room] Amen.
Amen.
John: Amen.
I know that one.
♪
[Richard chants]
[Richard chants]
[All]
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
OK, there you go.
Thanks, Dad.
Ooh, there you go!
Mom?
Oh.
Sorry.
Adam!
This is how we do it here.
And you?
And here you go, John.
I’ll just hand it to you.
There you go.
Thank you.
Time for soup.
Oh!
No, please.
I insist.
No, no, it’s fine.
Mom it’s fine. It’s fine.
I don’t allow guests to help.
It’s a tradition.
Oh.
Abby?
Beth: Oh, OK, please, I
No.
It’s tradition. Just…
OK.
John: You know, I have a special history with this city.
When I was 8 years old, my uncle brought me here for Christmas.
That’s such a beautiful time of the year.
It was quite magical. Just walking down Fifth Avenue, seeing all the Christmas lights and the Christmas displays
The men!
What?
The man’s chant!
It’s a tradition. We forgot–
It’s a tradition. All the men must close their eyes and chant.
Um, what do I do?
And you can do it too, Beth.
Oh, really?
Yeah, but don’t chant.
No, of course not.
OK.
OK. So…
Dad.
What? We cover our eyes,
OK.
and we chant.
OK, just cover your eyes, everyone.
OK, now keep them covered all the way.
Please don’t touch me.
Just cover-it’s part of the tradition.
OK. OK.
OK, here we go.
[Richard improvises a chant]
[Chanting continues, others join]
[All chanting, playing along]
♪ Ay, yuy, yuy, yuy! ♪
[Chanting concludes]
That’s it.
Good man chant.
Yeah.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
To what?
To the-to the-to the blessing.
That was the blessing!
I feel like I was at the Wailing Wall!
[Laughter]
Yeah, no, it’s a beautiful blessing, We do it every week.
Yeah.
Interesting, but why don’t the women participate?
David: It’s a great question, John.
It’s because Eve ate the apple, so you can’t chant.
Eve was a fool.
I’d never eat the apple.
But you still can’t chant.
You still can’t chant.
Ellen: What are your other kids doing?
Meghan’s siblings all live overseas.
For quite some time now.
And so what did you do to make them all want to leave?
Beth: Oh, you’re very funny!
Aww.
Beth: Actually, Meghan’s sister Beatrice, she lives in Milan, working as a fashion consultant.
Mmm, mmm.
That’s a lovely camisole you have on there.
Thank you.
It’s not a camisole.
But it is lovely.
I have some talent, not much, but, but Beatrice did get me 40% off.
It’s a pretty good discount, huh? Hmm?
[Silverware drops on plate]
[Beth laughs nervously]
You know, when David asked us for permission to marry Meghan, of course we said yes.
John: We love David.
Beth: But what really moved me was; I asked David and he said he would be willing to move anywhere that Meghan wanted, even back to Wisconsin.
Meg: Well, I don’t know Mom.
I really like New York.
Beth: Well, I did, too, in my twenties, but people move on.
Not always.
John! You know, my dad here is a big Cheesehead.
No, is that right? I thought you’d be rooting for the Giants.
Excuse me?
The football team, Dad.
You done?
It’s full.
Don’t want to fill up on soup.
Richard only likes baseball.
Yankees or Mets?
Richard: You know what, I actually like both.
You look done.
I guess.
[Heavy breathing]
[Muffled voices in next room]
Adam: You know, Meg knows more about Judaism than most of my friends.
Ellen: Yeah, she’s doing wonderfully in class.
Meg: I don’t know how much credit I actually deserve.
Rabbi Morgenstern is really, really great.
Yeah, and he rarely does conversions.
Well, we’ve heard all about the Rabbi.
Richard: Does anyone want some of this wine?
It’s got the wax seal on it, so it’s…it’s fancy.
I’ll take some.
Me too.
Beth: You know, Adam, the funny thing is Meghan was never really very religious.
Meg: Yeah but I always liked the stories, the Bible stories.
Beth: Right, yes, it’s all fairly similar.
It’s just not as draconian.
Draconian?
Well, not the rules, but I mean, just, you know, wewe both have family time together, Jews, Friday dinner and us Sunday brunch.
We just don’t want our kids to feel pressured about showing up.
No, of course, pressure is no good.
Meg: You know the Rabbi, he said that, well, we’ve been talking about the Talmud, and how it’s essentially just a book of arguing.
[Laughter]
John: Meghan was in debate club.
Mmhmm.
She was captain.
She always had a real… what is the word you use?
Ootzbah.
Chutzpah.
Chutzpah.
How do you say it?
Chutzpah.
Chutzpah.
No, Chutzpah.
Hootzbah?
No.
You’re a natural.
Isn’t that derogatory?
Mom! No, no, no.
It’s more like…
A certain boldness.
Gumption.
It’s more audacity.
Well, I wouldn’t call her audacious.
Oh, no.
But it’s a good audacious.
Is there such thing?
Well, that depends on who you ask.
Ellen: Why are you looking at me?
Well, you’re sitting across from me.
Where else am I supposed to look?
John: Well, that’s not the way I meant it.
I meant to say that she always had a real poise.
Beth: Yes, the rest of our children are never really into debate or argument, but Meghan always had a penchant for that.
Well, makes me feel a lot better about losing every argument.
Well, it’s fine. I’ll find a class for you.
[Laughter]
Aww…
John: Abby, um… don’t you have a boyfriend?
What’s his name?
Abby: No, I…
[Nervously stuttering]
Uh, Benjamin?
Yes, where’s Benjamin?
Is he still joining us?
What?
Benjamin, your boyfriend.
Meghan said he was gonna be joining us.
Oh, MY boyfriend. Oh…
He… he tri-you know, he wanted-he wanted to be here.
But there was…
He was going to, but he–
I think it was, there was some sort of traffic.
Meg: Right? And I was gonna say he couldn’t make it.
There was something
What happened?
David: You know, it’s one of those things.
Richard: The transportation, you know…
[Footsteps approaching]
Abby: It was the traffic…
[Spoon hits plate;
talking stops] Good Shabbos, everyone.
Sorry I’m late.
Prayer ran long, real long.
That was one slow-ass Rabbi.
And look at you two, you gorgeous people must be Meg’s parents.
Benjamin.
Uh, John.
Pleasure.
Beth!
Beth!
All right, Benjamin, Beth.
Got a little B&B going there, huh?
Yeah!
Ellen.
Richie!
Shabbat, Shalom.
Hey, buddy, what’s happening?
Darling.
[Laughs nervously]
[Kiss]
Mmm!
Well, you all look surprised.
We don’t.
We’re not.
[Laughter]
I’m just playing.
Look, I get it, OK?
People hear “Benjamin the Jew,” and it’s not what they think of, right?
I mean, not what they picture.
Ha ha ha!
Honestly, no.
I got two words for you, Big John: Ethiopian. Jews.
From Ethiopia?
Yeah, the lost tribe, baby.
Lost for thousands of years, but…we’re back.
That’s true.
II see.
Benjamin, don’t you have that thing?
Jordan: No, I’m good to chill.
Benjamin, I’d love to know–
You have questions, my love, I have answers.
Well, I haven’t, you know, read about this, but are there many in your community?
Well, yeah, I mean, we’re just not as well-known, I mean, but there’s a lot of us about, what, 200 thou, give or take a thou.
I’m so glad you’re found.
Richard: You know, many scholars believe that they descended from King Solomon and Queen Sheba and others.
Yes.
From Dan, the Lost Tribe.
Richard: That’s right.
That’s right.
So, why don’t we all know about this?
You want to know why you don’t know?
Because we control the media.
You know what we want you to know.
Richard: Now, hold on there.
And the banks.
Uh…
Yeah.
And Adam operates the space lasers that control the weather.
Yeah, I do that.
[Imitating laser gun]
Pyuu! Pyuu! Pyuu!
Pyuu! Pyuu!
[Laughter]
Oh, very funny, Benjamin.
He does this routine.
Yeah, it goes on a long time.
“We control the media.
We control the banks.”
“We’re in charge of everything.” [Laughter] Of course, I’m just playing.
Well you can say it, but I can’t.
[All laughing]
And you shouldn’t.
I mean, honestly, do you really think Richie here runs a bank?
He doesn’t even run his own house.
[Laughter]
John: That’s funny.
I’m gonna get the mains.
Let me help.
No, no, no, no, no.
Tradition.
[Instrumental music]
♪
[Somber music]
♪
[Somber music concludes]
Really? Your own special place.
And where is that?
Abby: No, no, no.
I don’t think Benjamin means it in a literal sense.
Yes, I do.
No, he doesn’t.
Yes, I do! Would you like to know where?
Nobody keeps their foreskin!
Yes, we do.
Tell them where it is.
Please don’t.
You’re gonna like this.
Jordan: Mine’s is in a snow globe.
Meg!
Yeah?
Why don’t you do your d’var Torah?
Meg: Oh, I don’t, um
Please share.
Yeah, please, d’var Torah.
I don’t think that’s actually the best
No, I think you should.
Yeah, Bible story.
You have a Bible story, darling?
It’s the best Bible story.
Oh, I got some stories.
You’ve told your stories.
But they were good stories.
All right, Meg, let’s hear it.
Meg: Um, OK.
Yes, um, hello.
So, this week’s Torah portion is the story of Joseph and his brothers, how Joseph’s brothers dipped his multicolored coat in blood to pretend that he died.
Good subject.
Thank you.
I thought so too, yesterday.
Um…
[Clears throat]
So, um, in the Torah, Mom, Dad, every detail is there for a reason.
However, in this story, there is one moment in particular that at first glance appears meaningless.
When Joseph was wandering around looking for his brothers, he asked a stranger, can you tell me where my brothers are?
And the stranger replied, “They went to Dothan.”
So, why would the Torah include such a trivial passage?
Just a stranger giving directions.
The sages say it’s because this stranger wasn’t just a normal person.
He was actually an angel who didn’t know he was an angel.
He had a vital role in this story, but he had no way of knowing at the time the significance of this small interaction.
And like this stranger, we all have the ability to change the course of someone else’s life with a small moment or kindness.
We, too, can all be angels who didn’t know that they were angels.
[Applause]
Rabbi Meg.
A lovely story.
That was great sweetie.
Wonderful.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, well, it’s time for dessert.
We have 7layer cake, and my father and Richard’s favorites, Linzer tarts.
Mmm.
[Laughter]
Dessert?
Yes, I’m so sorry. This is very embarrassing for me, but as I was walking out of the bathroom by the kitchen, I saw that the cat had knocked everything on the floor.
Oh, not the cat!
Ruined the entire meal.
Plop!
He’s done this before.
This has happened before.
He’s a terrible cat.
Garfield on cocaine.
The cat knocked over the dinner.
That sounds like what happened. I believe so.
Should we order food?
Yes.
No.
No!
No.
We can’t use phones on Shabbos.
But we can.
Just tell us the place.
No, that’s cheating. Can’t.
You know what, I think things are just not working out here tonight.
I think we should all get together tomorrow and have a great brunch.
Yes! Brunch!
Yes! Brunch!
I love brunch!
We love brunch.
You love brunch.
Yeah.
We came all the way from Wisconsin to be here.
And we appreciate you coming very much.
There’s just no predicting that things like this could happen.
But never did I think that we would be rushed out your home.
No, no, Dad, I promise it’s this cat. It’s
He’s aggressive and
Aggressive how?
You know, it’s my cat.
And I have burdened my sweet parents with it for too long.
He knocked everything on the floor, and when I say ev–
Do you expect us to believe that the entire meal just suddenly disappeared?!
Hmm!
Yeah…
Yeah…
[Clearing throat]
Let me help you clean up.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, please.
You’re our guests.
Our guests of honor.
No, I insist.
No, no, no, it’s fine.
It’s just simple manners.
I promise.
Let me help!
You’re free to leave.
Fine!
Not until it’s clean!
It’s totally unnecessary!
Let me help you, please!
Just
Oh!
John: What was that?
Did you just intentionally spill wine all over me?
It was an accident.
An accident?
John, John, he didn’t mean it.
Well, he swiped his arm right across the table!
Richard: No, I was reaching for the salt, the salt over there.
Let’s go.
That’s all right, it’s all right.
Let me just clean up and have some dessert.
Where’s your bathroom?
Ellen: Wait a minute, you’re staying?
Are you sure you want to stay?
I mean, don’t you want to go home and change?
I mean I think you’re just a real mess.
Aah!
Aah!
Ohh…
[Plate rattles]
Ohh…
So, you’re not gonna believe this, but, um, there’s this tradition.
Ugh!
Enough with the traditions, OK?
Beth: You should be ashamed.
You should all be ashamed.
John: Is this because I wouldn’t wear that little hat?
What?
That thing on your head.
What, the yarmulke?
Yes.
Would you have shown me respect if I had worn it?
Respect? No, you have my respect.
You’ve always had my respect.
Oh, yes, of course we respect you.
And we’re very happy that you came.
Yeah.
Sure you are.
Well, let’s go, honey.
No, John.
Dad, come on.
Beth!
Stop.
Meg: Dad! Mom!
[Groaning]
Dad!
[Voice breaking]
This is what you want?
Mom.
Bye, Meg.
David: Beth…
[Crying]
I love you both.
[Door closes]
Jordan: See ya at the wedding!
OK, 4 minutes until Cano’s shift. Let’s move.
Hey, Wolf!
What the hell was that?
I was playing a part.
“See you at the wedding?”
No, you won’t.
You’ll be dead!
He was just being polite.
Polite?
I thought it was smart.
What do you–
Hey, Soup Boy, don’t talk to me right now, OK? I can’t even look at you.
How am I supposed to have a relationship with them now?
Well, we’ll worry about that later.
Oh, you must be so happy.
Happy?
This must be such a wonderful silver lining for you.
Meg: David, just stop, stop.
Meg, I’m so sorry.
Meg: No, it’s fine.
Let’s just keep it moving.
All right, everyone, listen up.
Abby: Oh, we’re still listening to this guy?
Jordan: Yes, we are. Let’s get you two out on the porch, make sure your parents left, and David, help me with the body.
Fine.
OK. I’ll make snacks.
♪
Everyone looks the same from up here.
Just look for two people with a big height difference.
You OK?
No, I’m not, I…
I have had to do so much to be a part of your family, and he just gets to waltz into mine.
It is
Not fair.
Yeah, I mean, he’s literally had to do nothing.
Abby: Yeah, David is a…
[Sighs]
The thing about David is he hasn’t had to do nearly as much as he’s had to do, but when he cares about somebody and I’ve seen how much he cares about you, he would do literally anything.
I mean, look at tonight.
He’s basically conspiring murder for Adam.
He likes you way more than he likes Adam.
Well
We all do.
[Laughter]
Abby: Oh, oh! That’s them!
They’re leaving!
They’re leaving!
That’s our cue.
Hmm?
That’s our cue!
OK.
Hey, dumb ass.
Huh?
78th Street.
78th Street.
Jordan: Hey, dumbass, come on.
Get some–
Ready?
1…2…
[Grunting, groaning]
Bruh, hit the button.
Could you
You’re right there.
David: I know, I know, it’s just, in my head I made this promise with God that if he helped us get through the night, I’d keep shops for the rest of my life, and that means no electricity.
Man, for real?
Yeah.
Push the fucking button.
OK.
[Grunting, struggling]
I’m not lifting with my back at all!
[Grunting, struggling]
Mrs. Grundwerg.
Grundwerg: Do I have any mail?
Um, already dropped it off.
Here you go.
Good evening.
You wait here. I’m going to get the cart.
Try not to look so suspicious.
Jesus!
[Wheels rumbling on cement]
♪
Jordan!
Aah!
Garbage day is not until Sunday.
It’s not Sunday?
No, it is not Sunday.
Oh.
Why are you here so early?
Going to eat in the lobby.
You don’t want to chill in the park?
No.
Right, OK.
Let me get that for you.
Uh, Cano, do you think you can, uh, watch the front door while you eat?
9A called about their-their…
Yes, sure.
Oh, thank-Jordan?
[Door creaks]
Yeah?
What is that thing on your head?
It’s Shabbos, baby.
♪
[Door opens]
[Ellen and Adam gasp]
Why are you back?
They’re back?
Uh…Cano was early.
Shit.
So that’s it.
We’re screwed, right?
David, what– What do you think?
Jordan? I’m sorry.
All good, all good.
Ellen: Why are you telling Jordan you’re sorry?
He’s fine.
Adam’s the one who’s gonna be in trouble.
That’s it, prison.
I mean…
I’m gonna go to prison.
I don’t think you’re gonna be the only one.
Hey, what are you doing?
I’m calling the police.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you’re not
Stop! Stop.
I should call the cops, turn myself in, at least have a little bit of dignity.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Adam!
What!
I’m the black sheep of the family.
Everyone knows I don’t have much of a future anyway.
Stop it. That’s not true.
That is nonsense!
Richard: Yeah, there’s lots of things that you can
[Crying]
I was rejected from the IDF!
I just needed something to talk about at the table every week, so I didn’t feel like a complete loser.
Richard: But there’s lots of things you can do.
You can sing the aleph bet.
You work out with those calisthenics in your room.
Yes, yes!
Mom? Dad?
It’s true.
Dad!
Richard: What? What?
Adam: If I can’t defend Israel… then at least I can take the fall for us.
Stop it.
This is my fault.
I should have broken up with him forever ago.
I just-didn’t want to hear everyone tell me how wrong I was.
Richard: It should be me.
I should never have let things go this far.
You know, I have my readings and my conflict resolution seminars, but when the time came to act, I couldn’t find the words that you kids needed.
No!
I just-I’ll tell the police I did it.
I put in the laxatives.
I was mad at that boy for being mean to my son, so I poisoned him, and I should pay the price.
No. But Mom
Mom.
No, I deserve it anyway.
Meg… the way I’ve treated you, and then seeing you tonight, and the way that you’ve helped.
I just want you to know that no amount of conversion will change the fact that you’re already a part of this family.
Adam: Jordan?
Plan B!
What!
No, no, no, no!
Jordan! Jordan!
[All chaotically shouting]
Jordan, don’t!
No, it’s OK. I’m gonna get him in the garbage cart.
What?! Jordan!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Steph Curry!
[Thud]
[All groaning]
Ooo…
Um…
I think it’s time to call an ambulance.
What the hell is that?
We just got here.
♪
We’re all horrible.
Richard: Maybe we should all go to prison together.
Abby: We should probably start getting our story straight.
Adam: I don’t really care.
[Police sirens approaching]
[Police radio chatter]
♪
[Three knocks at the door]
I’ll get it.
♪
Mr. Gelfand?
Ah, yes. Good to see you, officers.
Um, is there a place we can talk?
Yeah, sure.
Right-right this way.
♪
Richard: As head of the household officer, I should say that–
Officer: No, hold on.
I understand this must be traumatic for all of you, but it’s protocol that we pull you each aside for questioning.
But before that happens… we found this in the victim’s pocket.
We have to keep this for evidence, but I think it’s only right that you get to hear it firsthand and not from some reporter.
That would be good.
“Every weekend for the past year, “I’ve witnessed something beautiful [Typing] 5 family members who barely get along. But no matter how much they’re fighting, “they still come together every Friday night. We stick together, whether we’re in New York or Ethiopia. I’m sorry to do this on this special night, “but all the stress finally got to me. You know what they say. Running the bank is hard work. Sincerely, Benjamin.”
[Paper pulls out]
♪
[Mouths “Plan C”]
There he goes.
♪
[Dramatic musical flourish]
Woman: I’m so sorry.
I worked with Benji, and he was so funny and such a good guy.
Hmm.
He was so sweet and always made me feel so comfortable in the office.
And he was really so funny and really just-oh, God, I’m so sorry.
Yeah.
Hi, Adam.
She was the one who slept with
I know.
Meg: You know why it’s called a Shiva?
David: Because it’s a Shiva?
Meg: No, it’s because Shiva means 7 in Hebrew and it’s supposed to last for 7 days.
You know, um, if you don’t want to take the classes, you really don’t have to.
[Kissing]
When do I get one of those?
I don’t think you can.
I’m gonna keep going till I get one.
John: Hello there.
Mom, Dad, hi!
Hi, honey.
Richard: John, Beth, what are you…
John: We just wanted to come by and offer our condolences.
Ellen: Oh, OK.
And to apologize for leaving early on Friday night.
Oh, that’s all right.
John: Look, um, we don’t remember that night too well.
Oh, it was so hectic.
Oh, yeah, it was.
John: Mmhmm.
But I definitely do not recall meeting a Caucasian Benjamin.
♪
I want Thanksgiving.
What?
I get Meg and David for Thanksgiving every year.
David: I hear Wisconsin is beautiful in the fall.
You’re gonna love it.
Yeah.
And Christmas and Easter.
But sometimes Christmas and Hanukkah overlap.
Hanukkah’s 8 days.
You’ll manage.
But we’ll lose some days for travel, especially with snow that time of year.
Ellen, Ellen, Ellen… enough.
OK? OK.
OK, OK.
Now, that’s chutzpah.
Ellen: Oh, yeah.
I think they’ll make good in-laws.
[Upbeat ending music begins]
Mom! Dad!
Oh!
Can we please go?
She’s been waiting.
She’s always yelling.
Stop.
It’s just like-can’t she just like…
[Kiss]
[Ernest Ernie and the Sincerities’ “Count on Me” playing’]
♪
♪ When there’s trouble
and there’s bound to be ♪
♪ Don’t you worry,
you can count on me ♪
♪ And when that storm
has drifted out to sea… ♪
Man: Shame about that boy.
Second man: Oh, terrible!
Terrible!
Ernie: ♪ You can count on me ♪
First man: Terrible thing.
Oh, boy.
Ernie: ♪ When that storm is
rolling in, and there’s
nowhere to hide ♪
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
First man: Oh, you-you never finished that joke you were telling me before.
What joke?
The joke about the Rabbi–
Oh, the Rabbi and the tent. Ah!
It’s not such a good joke.
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
Eddie: ♪ And there’ll be
nights when you’re fighting
for your rights ♪
♪ And all your friends
will walk away ♪
Chorus: ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
Eddie: ♪ And you’ll be strong,
as you had to be
for so, so long ♪
♪ But I’ll be there anyway ♪
♪ ‘Cause when you’re standing
on crumbling ground ♪
♪ And the sky starts
tumbling down ♪
♪ Wel-I, I will always be around ♪
♪ You can count on me ♪
♪ You count on me ♪
♪ When you got to be
discreet on your way
through town ♪
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
Eddie: ♪ And when they stop
you on the street, trying to
break you down ♪
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
Eddie: ♪ Now, ladies, they’ll
attack you till you fall,
till you come undone ♪
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
Eddie: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Then when your back’s
against the wall ♪
♪ And there’s nowhere,
and there’s nowhere ♪
♪ Nowhere to run ♪
Chorus: ♪ I will be there ♪
Eddie: ♪ Cause when you’re
standing on crumbling ground ♪
♪ Yeah, and the sky starts
tumbling down ♪
♪ Well, I will always be
around ♪
♪ You can count on me,
yeah ♪
Chorus: ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
Eddie: ♪ You can count on me,
yeah ♪
♪ You can count on me ♪
Chorus: ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ Count on me… ♪
