America: The Motion Picture (2021) – Transcript

A chainsaw-wielding George Washington teams with beer-loving bro Sam Adams to take down the Brits in a tongue-in-cheek riff on the American Revolution.
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America: The Motion Picture (2021)

In an alternative world and timeline, President George Washington and his men go to war to free their country from the British.

* * *

[man 1] We the People.

[man 2] We the People.

[man 3] We the People.

[man 4] We the People.

[man 5] We the People.

[man 6] We the People!

[man 7] We the People!

[man 8] We the People!

[man 9] We the People!

[shushes]

Wait… [breathes deeply]

We the People…

[all cheering]

Yeah!

We the People!

We the People!

Sorry, Tom, “We the People” it is.

You can use “Us rich white guys” on your Christmas card.

Mmm, at Dartmouth, we play with actual paddles.

Nobody f*cking cares how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom.

[all laughing]

Franklin, these bucktooth fun police can suck it because we’ve done it, boys!

We have declared our independence!

[all] Huzzah!

Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington, are gonna be pissed they missed this.

[chuckles]

Ooh! We should take a picture!

Say “cheese.”

Benedict Arnold?

It’s the Redcoats! Run!

[men yelling]

[screaming]

What is happ–

[yells]

[head] No, no, no!

Declarate this!

[screeches]

Now I just have to catch a show with my old chum, Abraham Lincoln.

[Abe] Four score and seven years ago, I swore an oath to never tell a lie.

To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand, which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you your prices are f*cking insane!

Wow, easy. Take it up with the King.

Something about taxation!

[colonists] Yeah, that’s right!

Dude, I just work here.

But… Uh… Something about representation!

Yeah!

You tell ’em, Abe!

[George] Abe!

This isn’t over, pal!

[colonists] Yeah!

[sighs] You don’t gotta be such a damn tyrant about it.

[George] Abe! Look at me! [laughs]

This guy dared me to climb up here.

[man] No, I didn’t.

Well, you should’ve! Whoo!

[colonists cheering]

Yeah!

George, you are a wild man.

[sighs] What can I say?

Somebody’s gotta balance out all your boring politics.

[chuckles] George, I guess that’s what makes us such a good team.

A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, in our forties.

But I do wish ya cared about more than just partying.

[gasps] Abe! I care about more than that, all right?

I also care about… how good we look!

Oh, George. You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse?

No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses.

Twinsies!

George, I wish I had a million friends like you.

Should I put it on my body?

Yeah, put it on your body.

Oh, it feels so soft on my body.

It’s like a blend. Is it a blend?

It’s a tri-blend.

Oh, it’s so soft, I’d swear it’s a quad blend.

I know. [sighs]

Oh, shit, oh!

Oh, here comes Ben.

Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben.

Benedict.

Oh, sorry. Last two.

[drums beating]

[crowd cheering]

I’m so glad you came.

Mmm, I was worried that you might have caught wind of my little surprise.

No, not at all, man.

These are boffo seats! We didn’t even see this coming at all.

What are you up to?

You hate surprises and general whimsy.

I’ve always told you, Abraham, that your revolution would be the end of you.

And I’ve always told you, Ben, that I was willing to take that chance.

That we should all be willing to take that chance.

[laughs]

Yes, you have.

The only problem is you assumed, all this time, that I’m part of your “we,” when, in fact, I’m with a different “we,” now.

Uh, I didn’t… I don’t get it.

I changed teams, assholes.

Oh, Ben, good for you!

I’m so glad that you’re embracing your true self.

No! I’m gonna be f*ckin’ rich.

Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him.

We could do a double date?

You’re misunderstanding.

I’ll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle.

Hey.

Whatever you guys do in private is your business.

That’s one of the things we’re fighting for!

Stop being so damn accepting for a minute!

I have aligned myself with the Brits.

Oh. Ohh!

[hesitating] George, are you hearing this?

Are you seeing this?

Abe, they’re using things as instruments that you’re not supposed to use.

It’s crazy!

George, f*ck!

[hesitates] You’ve sided with the fun police?

Something about taxation. Don’t you remember?

Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks.

The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben.

You’re too late to stop the revolution. Ha-ha!

Oh, am I?

[Abe gasps]

Your friends in revolution are all dead.

[Abe] What?

And as for your precious Declaration of Independence…

Oh, it’s beautiful!

A-Kelly Ripa!

[Abe] No!

But you’re Benedict “Cosby” Arnold!

You’re better than this!

You’re right.

I am.

[growls]

[screams]

[groans]

Abe, what the… Oh, my God. Your neck’s… Oh, my God!

Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show?

Look, I don’t do well with interactive theater, okay?

It kinda freaks me out.

I know. That’s great. We’re number one, I get that.

But I don’t see what that has to do with…

Arnold, behind you.

No, Abe, I’m George.

It’s George!

George, turn around.

Ben! Ben, what the f*ck, man?

[slurps]

Someday, Georgie, you’ll have to draft a document that specifically outlines the punishment for what I just did.

But for now, I bid you adieu.

Nyah!

[grunts]

Sic semper my dick, bitches!

[crowd cheers]

This is the weirdest show.

Abe. [spits]

Abe, are you okay?

No, my throat has been roadhoused.

[spitting] Ah, it’s in my mouth.

I’m dying, George.

No, you will not die! You shut your mouth!

I will shut my mouth.

[spitting]

Forever.

Stop it! [spits]

Abe, you’re gonna make it.

Yes, to the other side.

No! Back to this side! Where you belong!

George, you must free the colonies.

No! That’s your thing, Abe. It’s not mine.

It’s yours now, George. I believe in you.

[spits]

Free the colonies.

Found a new country.

Name her…

Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her.

God damn it! You son of a bitch!

Whatever you tell me to name her, that’s what I’m gonna name her, Abie!

Name her America.

[eagle screeches]

Is that your top choice?

We can spitball some options, see if we can beat it.

There is no time, George.

My death-shit is imminent.

America, okay? Just remember…

[groans and farts] America.

[eagle screeches]

[farts]

A– [gags]

Nope. [retches]

A– [retches, coughs]

Okay, hold it.

Abe!

Stand ready.

A vengeful Washington will be here in three, two…

Hey, dickhole!

It’s time to… Oh, f*ck me.

Yes. F*ck you, indeed.

Subdue him.

I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue.

[cracks neck]

Hello, guv.

[battle cries]

[Benedict] I know betrayal hurts, Georgie, and it can often rile in a man motivation he didn’t even know he had.

But face facts.

With Abe and the rest of your revolutionaries gone, on account of me having killed them all just now, your tired, party-boy antics are bound to fail.

You’ll never be the leader Abe was.

[grunts]

Because you lack Abe’s brains, his heart, and, most importantly, his soul.

Without him, the revolution is dead.

[yells] Rah!

Whoo!

[motor roars]

That cherry tree didn’t chop its f*cking self down!

Let’s go!

Ah, are you a miniboss, or what? Do something!

[screeches]

[clanking]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Jesus Christ!

Transporter, go!

Let’s get you transported.

[engine whirs]

[grunts]

I can’t believe we ever let you into the Three F*ckateers!

I’m changing our Netflix password!

Transporter, the bridge!

[thuds]

[grunts]

Ah! [groans]

F*ckin’ bridges.

Ah, Christ.

[Benedict chuckles]

[George] What now?

Oh, Georgie, I almost forgot.

I have something from your king.

This is for you.

[“Rule Brittania!” playing]

[laughing]

“This is for you.” [continues laughing]

I’m so clever!

[George] No.

This is for…

America!

[window opens]

[man] Shut the f*ck up!

[smacks lips] Yep.

[dog barks distantly]

All right.

[Martha singing] ♪ Close your eyes ♪

[strumming guitar]

♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

♪ Is this burnin’ ♪

[sobbing]

♪ An eternal flame? ♪

[humming]

[music stops]

[birds chirping]

He sewed it by hand when Trishelle came down with dengue fever last May Day.

He laid it upon her and she healed.

And now, she lays it upon him, but he will never heal.

John 3:16.

[strums electric guitar]

A gift from Mozart himself.

Silenced now, like its owner, forever.

[guitar stops playing]

You’re, uh– [clears throat] Martha Dandridge.

You were there that night, on stage.

And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter.

The same.

Abraham Lincoln’s best friend.

[whispers] Forever.

You’ve suffered a tremendous loss.

You should not be alone tonight.

Oh!

Ahh!

Yes! Yes!

Ah!

[shrieks]

[grunts]

[George shouting]

[Martha shrieking]

Uh…

What is it? You can tell me, Martha.

You can tell me anything.

Well… [breathing heavily]

I’m pregnant.

What? Just now?

Yeah.

You’re sure?

A woman knows.

[laughs]

A miracle has befallen us!

Has it?

It has! Yes.

Oh, but has it?

All I’ve ever wanted, Martha, was the one thing I never had, a loving family.

Gross, you were an orphan?

What?

Of course not! God, no. Ew.

Ugh! Phew!

No, but look, my father was a real man’s man, which is to say, like all men’s men, he disrespected my mother and punished me for his insecurities.

And see, this will be a great opportunity to break that cycle, if you will.

You know, there can be no spring without winter. John 3:16.

That’s beautiful, George.

Oh, hey, what’s this?

Oh. [chuckles]

Just [sighs] a box of misty water-colored memories.

[chuckles] Oh, look, the day we first met.

I was hiding from my father in the woods, and he had been drinking and listening to Kid Rock again.

And then, I encountered a boy, no older than me, and he smelled of possums and night soil.

We couldn’t have been any more different. And yet, he opened up his arms to me and he took me up into his tree home.

It was the first time that I understood what family was.

Aw… #Blessed.

[George chuckles] This is his seventh birthday.

I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his.

Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark?

Oh, prom! Wow!

We lost our virginities that night. [chuckles]

Together.

Oh, I get it.

I’ve been to Paris.

Oh, man, we had so many plans.

Oh, Sky Camp! Junior Templar Scouts.

[gasps] Our semi-pro rolling-circle-with-a-stick team.

What is this even… [chuckles]

[grunts]

Oh!

Oh!

[gasps]

The famed “Lincoln Log!” [laughs]

[chuckles] Yes!

Abe, [laughs] you rapscallion.

Oh. [sobbing]

You rapscallion. [sobbing]

Oh…

George.

Oh, George. George!

[George] What?

What?

You know what you must do.

Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better?

That’ll work in the short term.

[sobs] Okay, that’s a great idea.

No, no… No! George.

You must avenge Abe.

See his dream through.

I can’t! King James is more powerful than ever.

I can’t fight him alone.

No, you need partners.

Partners?

Yes!

Partners in the revolution?

Yes!

Partners whose spirit, like mine, outweigh their sense of self-preservation and sanity, even?

Yes! You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league.

I totally know him.

Hold the phone!

Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him?

What’s a phone? And no, no, no, no. [laughs]

That’s Samuel Adems, with an “E.”

This is Samuel Adams, with an “A.”

[whispers] The rabble rouser.

[rock music playing]

[chuckling]

[all cheering]

[chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!

[slurping]

[thuds]

[explosion]

[chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!

Whoo!

[explosions]

Sammy Addy from way downtown!

F*ck, yeah!

[indistinct shouting]

[George] Boffo fireworks, Mr. Adams.

Very, very boffo. I’m George Washington.

George Washington, the dinosaur rancher?

Ah, no, no, that’s George Washingten, with an “E.”

I’m George Washington, with an “O,” the future king of America.

America? What the f*ck is America, bro?

[dude-bro 1] Yeah, what is it?

[yells] F*cking tell us!

Today, but the final whispered word of a dying man.

But a year from now, with your help, the most powerful country in the world.

A country free of British rule.

Oh, f*ck, man! I hate the British.

They’re always breaking up our peaceable free assemblies.

[shouting]

Bro! Bro! Bro!

[whooping]

Our parties.

I call them “the fun police.” [chuckles]

[dude-bro 1] Who would do that?

“The fun police.”

That is exactly what Abe used to call them!

They hassle us because we like to blow shit up and get into fights with anybody who looks different than us.

[all] Yeah!

Yeah, we’re being oppressed!

Well, I mean–

Hell, we’d still be partying right now if they hadn’t shut us down last night.

It’s ’cause of my beer.

The British, they just can’t handle it.

[dude-bro 1] Yeah.

Beer?

[all] Beer!

[dude-bros laughing]

It’s made from rotten grass. Try this shit.

You’re gonna love it.

You don’t even have to put cow dick milk in it.

Cow dick milk. Right.

This guy gets it.

[slurps]

[dramatic music playing]

E Pluribus Unum, that’s good!

Right? Brits know, when this shit hits the market, their whole tea economy’s gonna f*cking implode.

They’re shitting in their pantaloons and it’s diarrhea.

So, we share an enemy. A cause.

And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude.

I’ll be honest with you, dude. I eat whatever I want.

I never work out. I’m basically jacked from f*cking.

No shit! Your arms are bigger than your f*ckin’ thighs.

Look at those things.

That is a birth defect.

Look, I have to ask. Do you have any skills?

Skills that would, maybe, help win a war?

[scoffs]

Whoo! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bingo!

[gun firing]

[dude-bros cheering]

Whoo!

Those the kind of skills you might be interested in, bruh?

Indubitably, my friend.

You pack quite the punch, Samuel Adams with an “A.”

[chuckles] You’re damn right, I do.

And I hope you got room for everybody.

‘Cause whatever I do, wherever I go, I do and go with every single one of my fraternity brothers.

Where we at, boys?

All right, pledges, circle up and grab some thumb lube.

Yeah!

[all cheering]

Thumbs up their ass!

You know what? You know what?

It’s just occurring to me now, it is hell week.

These guys are gonna be so busy.

Uh, okay.

And covered in cum.

I’m sorry, what?

I’m gonna tell them to catch up later. Where to? What’s the plan?

Well, our team is not yet complete.

To travel this great country, we’re gonna need a horseman.

The best in the colonies.

But where to find such a man?

Oh, I know a place.

[hip-hop music playing]

[neighs]

[neighs]

[crowd cheering]

So, I don’t know, how do we even know which one’s the best horseman?

Oh, you’ll know, bro.

These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time.

[rock music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[sniffs]

[grunts]

[neighs]

[whips cracking]

[grunts]

[neighs]

[man exclaiming]

[screams]

[crowd cheering]

Who is that?

Paul Revere!

[grunts] Sorry about the horse, Paul.

[George] Mr. Revere? Sir?

Sir Revere, your country needs you.

[snorts]

Hi! I won the race!

Did you see me? I’m good at horses.

Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends?

I mean, new just friends, because I have tons of human friends already, and not just horse friends. [laughs nervously]

Ooh, I see what I did here. Now, this is my bad.

[sirens blaring]

Cheese it! It’s the fun police!

[crowd clamoring]

[man] Go, man! Redcoat!

Go! Let’s get outta here! Come on, come on!

Ah, the British are such a drag.

They’re like the world’s shittiest stepdad.

[imitates a horse]

That’s what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses.

But I definitely wasn’t.

I have a human dad, just like you guys. [chuckles]

[Samuel] Yeah, great.

And that’s why we’re best friends, right?

Yeah. Sure, bud.

Listen, if we’re gonna have any shot at this at all, we need more pledges. I’m talking real heavy hitters.

Oh, you know what?

I heard they got a sorcerer in the square, lighting it up tonight.

[indistinct chatter]

[man] Wanted in all–

[Samuel] Oh, “lighting it up.” [chuckles] Okay.

Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of… creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis.

Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, you are hereby sentenced to death by fire.

[townspeople booing]

[chains jingle]

Well, shit. What are we gonna do now?

Uh… oh!

How do you feel about endurance magicians?

[bubbling, exploding]

Oh, my God!

[woman screaming]

The demon is resistant to fire– Oh!

[indistinct shouting]

[electricity buzzing]

Wow! This guy, am I right?

I vote we never piss him off.

[both] Agreed.

Vote passed.

[all] F*ckin’ democracy!

[eagle screeches]

We’re doin’ it!

Thomas Edison, you are said to be the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, eons ahead of all your contemporaries.

We seek to recruit you for a mission.

We literally cannot succeed without you!

What the–

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you expecting someone else?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It’s a chick. It’s a chick!

I’m sorry. There’s been a bit of a mix-up, I think?

Yeah, no such luck, dorks.

You’re looking for Thomas Edison, ya got her.

But Thomas is a man’s name.

I mean, my name is Thomas, so…

Impossible! I have to say the obvious.

What is wrong with your skin?

What’s wrong with my skin?

What is wrong… I’m sorry.

[yelling] What is wrong with your skin?

Whoa! Bro, take it easy.

Don’t worry, I can handle this.

There is nothing wrong with my skin. I’m Chinese.

Huh?

I’m from China.

Huh?

I’m an immigrant.

I came here from another country. Like you.

Oh, no! No, no, no.

My people have always been here.

That’s why we make the rules, baby!

[scoffs] Except you don’t, dumbass.

Ooh, you got burned!

Isn’t that why you’ve come to me?

Because you need help toppling the British?

Yes! [chuckles] Exactly! That is… Wait, how did you know that?

Word travels fast in these parts, George Washington with an “O.”

I… I don’t know. Now that I’m thinking about it, sorcerers are so 1775, am I right?

Cool, because I’m not a sorcerer.

I’m a scientist.

[laughing]

There’s no such thing as science.

Oh, my God, did you guys hear that?

Really? No such thing as science, huh?

[Samuel] Yeah.

Then what do you call this?

Science!

[exploding]

[all] Oh! Wow!

Yay!

Yeah, I call them conduction gloves.

The science is simple, really. They harness the subatomic–

Oh, wait, no, don’t tell us, dude. That’s gonna ruin the trick.

Yeah, it’s more fun not to know!

Okay, guys, let’s put our heads together here on this one.

There’s gotta be another Thomas Edison, right?

Like a man Thomas Edison.

Oh, yeah, there is. There’s Thomas Edisen with an “E,” the professional wrestler.

Ah, that’s him. Let’s go get him.

He’s cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you’re into that.

But he can’t help you defeat an entire army. I can.

You would stand with us against the British?

[inhales] Bet your ass. Those guys suck.

I’m just doing science.

And because they don’t understand it, they want to kill me?

Man, f*ck those dicks.

Science is supposed to be fun and they’re ruining it.

Yeah, right? We even call ’em the fun police.

[chuckling] Oh, man, that’s good. Can I use that?

Uh, no.

Problem. No problem.

So, Edison, you’re obviously a great thinker.

What would you have us do now?

[scoffs] James has got eyes and ears everywhere.

If we’re gonna blow up his spot, we need someone who knows this land better than James.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can’t possibly be suggesting–

[narrator] He was a tracker, best in the world, until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn’t commit.

Now, he prowls the badlands, tracking for those who can’t track for themselves.

If you have a problem and you can find him, maybe you can hire Geronimo.

[eagle screeches]

[engine revving]

[sniffs]

[growls]

All right, what do you chuds want?

Hey, you play lax, bro?

Seth-chee.

My people invented lacrosse, all right, bro?

[chuckles] Sure, man. Sure.

We come as friends, mighty Geronimo…

Nay, nay, we come as brothers.

Mmm, Just doesn’t feel right. Feels like you’re gonna try to f*ck me.

What? We wouldn’t, never!

Yeah, no, I think you might.

Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants.

I got a sixth sense for this shit.

No, our word is strong,

like your mighty Indian tribe, the, um… the…

Ch…

No.

The Chicory?

Kay yay.

Squa…

Sha… Sass… Sasquatch! Sasquatch.

Gotta be Sasquatch. There we go.

Yes.

Our word is strong, like your mighty tribe, the Sasquatch.

[groans] Fine. What do you want?

We seek to topple the British.

I’m in.

Now, hear us out–

Again, I’m in.

Not sure how much you know about them.

Uh, quite a bit.

They are really, really shitty buzzkills.

Really?

Yeah, we call them, get this, here…

Ready? The fun police.

“The fun police”?

Yeah. They all have all these rules.

No one’s allowed to have a single independent thought, and they’re always taxing the shit out of everybody!

Yeah, that sounds rough.

[sniffs] My issue is just that they took my land, poisoned my people to the brink of extinction, and murdered everyone I’ve ever cared for.

So… real buzzkill.

That is classic fun police. Those guys have no chill.

Right?

Chief Geronimo–

Just Geronimo is fine.

Just Geronimo–

Oh, God.

We can’t give you back your family.

But join us and I promise you justice will finally be served.

So, you’re telling me that if I help you, when you win this land back from King James, you’ll give it back to me and my family?

Absolutely.

[chuckles] Totally.

[clears throat]

All of it? The whole enchilada?

Well, I mean–

[chuckles] Yeah, you bet we will.

Sam, man, can I get a quick sidebar with you?

You know what? I’m probably just being paranoid.

So, what’s the plan now, and does it involve Doritos?

Nope, better.

A handkerchief.

[foghorn blaring]

[ominous music playing]

[Benedict] Greetings, Your Highness.

May I be the first to welcome you to your New World?

You may dispense with the pleasantries, Arnold.

Such as they are.

Yes, and this is, like, the nice part of town.

Well, it smells like shit, which reminds me,

I need to make room for second breakfast.

I’ve had my fill of mushy peas and blood sausage.

[Benedict] Yes, accommodations at the top of your obelisk are more well-suited, my king.

Then, I can assume everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

Yes, your plan is proceeding.

But we have had trouble with a certain colonist not falling in line.

Well, has he read the rules?

The rules should always be posted clearly in a public place where everyone can read them.

Oh, can he… can he not read?

Well, no, he has read them, Your Highness.

However, he has chosen not to follow them.

[sputtering] But they are the rules!

I know!

What is the point of being a ruler if people are not following your rules?

This is, like, King Shit 101!

I understand, my king.

Not following the…

[voice trembling] Arnold, why, do you know what this is?

I do.

It’s rebellion!

By definition.

We cannot allow anything to stop my plan, Arnold!

Crush this illiterate rebel scum!

It will be my pleasure.

Excellent.

[Samuel] Dudes, are we close yet? I’m getting hangry.

I could definitely eat.

Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings about a mile back.

What’s a mile?

And I could totally crush some B-dubs right now.

Hey, hey! Knock it off, guys.

First, we start a revolution.

Then we can have all the Boston Wild Wings that we’ve ever dreamed of, just like our forefathers prophesized, okay?

Now, Geronimo, what do you got?

Uh, tracking isn’t an exact science.

This is a handkerchief. What do you think I am? A dog?

[chuckles] Okay, I know this is a trick question, so I’m gonna go with my immediate impulse. Yes.

F*ck you, dude. [sniffs]

Yeah, he’s in there.

[redcoat 1] Ello, guv’ner.

[redcoat 2] Ello, guv’ner.

Ello, guv!

[all] Ello, guv’ner.

All right, that’s a lot of men.

And it’s a sure bet that there’s even more inside.

Wait, are we seriously thinkin’ about goin’ in there?

Look at this place! It’s a quagmire!

[all] Guv’ner!

Guys, we could be here for years and accomplish nothing.

You’re right. But we’d be accomplishing nothing… for America.

Guys, I can’t ask you to go in there with me.

Phew!

Yeah, good, because no.

Great. Good luck.

Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on.

I thought I’d be all like, “No, don’t. I can do it.”

And then you guys would be like, “No, I’ll come, don’t worry.”

I never know the right thing to say when I’m tryin’ to lead. This sucks!

So, yeah, I guess I am. I’m asking you to go in there with me.

Will you please go in there with me?

Huh, well, with a pep talk like that, how could I say no?

Pfft, whatever. Let’s just go kick some Redcoat ass!

Wait, wait, wait! At least… Just let me do an entrance thing.

[redcoat] Guv’ner? [grunts]

Ding dong! It’s America, motherf*cker!

Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised.

Oh, I’ll color you f*ckin’ dead, Ben!

[laughs] Bravo!

Did you practice that line in the car on your way here?

What the f*ck is a car?

And, no, it was a rebuttal to something that you just said!

How could I have thought of it in advance if you said it just now and I came up with the perfect rebuttal?

Oh, pardon me.

I forgot you aren’t versed in the gentlemanly art of debate, like your best friend, Abe Lincoln.

Oh, or should I say ex-best friend?

[laughs]

Because he’s dead.

Damn, he’s good.

All right, f*ck this.

[glass shatters]

[motor revs]

[yelling] For Abe!

[objects clattering]

[Samuel] Yippie-kay-yay, motherfu– Whoa!

[electrical buzzing]

[Samuel] Watch it, witch!

[Edison] You watch it, dick!

[George] Yeah. Well, that could’ve gone better.

Ya think? Edison almost got everybody killed!

Everybody almost got everybody killed!

Where’s Arnold?

And where’s Geronimo? He smells like campfire.

You carry an unusual scent for a man.

Almost like you’re not a man at all, but a–

[growls]

[grunts]

Stay and fight, you dick!

Damn it! Oh, my God! Geronimo!

That bastard bit me!

It can’t be. I thought they were just a myth.

The Navajo have a name for their kind. Skinwalker.

I won’t live with this curse.

Hand me my ax.

Are you sure?

Does my grandfather shit in the woods?

Um, I… Does he? I didn’t know him.

It’s what we call bears.

We call bears “grandfather.”

F*ck it, just give me my ax!

[breathing heavily]

[screams]

Whoa, whoa, Geronimo! What happened? Are you okay?

Go! I’ll take care of him.

She’s right, he’s not important. Arnold’s getting away!

[horse neighs]

No! No. We never leave a man behind.

Edison, dress that wound. Paul, call your horse.

Hey, Clyde!

[“Yankee And The Brave” playing]

That way!

Run, Clyde, run!

[explodes]

[neighs]

[sirens blaring]

[explodes]

[cackles]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[hooves screeching]

[neighs]

Welcome to hell… acopter?

I’m still working on it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it.

[Edison] Paul, you were amazing.

[Paul] Aw, thank you, human lady friend.

And, Sam, your propensity for murder is extraordinary.

Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick.

[gasps] The candle maker?

Yeah!

That dude is a f*ckin’ psycho! [laughs]

Yo, check it. The carriage stopped.

[George] But why would he stop here?

The road to Delaware!

Sea-Doo, bitches!

Paul, can your sizable steed clear that river?

Only one way to find out.

[neighs]

In God I trust.

[neighs]

[all] Whoa!

[Samuel] Oh, shit.

[all coughing]

He shorted it, Paul. Hey, Paul, he shorted it.

Clyde! His natural buoyancy can support us all!

[George coughing] Jesus Christ!

Did you know that your horse could swim that fast?

Oh, yeah, Clyde’s a great swimmer.

He’s great at so many things. So proud!

[gasps]

Thank you, Geronimo. Your hair looks even better wet.

Y’all a bunch of idiots.

[sighs] This feels like the end… of the first act… of my life.

All hope is lost.

What do we even do now? Where do we go from here?

[gasps] Where we go isn’t the question.

The question is, do we bring an entree or a f*cking dessert?

[Edison] Oh, guys, Gettysburg is impossibly vast.

Finding this address is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Yeah, Edison’s right. Let’s just give up.

That is not what I said.

What? Dudes, look, we tried.

One thing. We literally tried one thing.

Yeah, and it didn’t work.

[horn sounds]

We all got wet, Edison. God!

Look, this isn’t fun anymore.

Uh, I can fix that.

Let’s get hammered!

Then, f*ck it, we hit the streets mob-rules style.

Anyone we see who doesn’t look like us, they see the bottom of our boots!

Oh, my God.

Okay, fine, no Indians this time. Ooh, geez.

Oh, my God. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Sam.

This is not India.

Also, you’re a f*cking racist.

Uh, no, Paul’s the racist.

He’s the best horse racist in the colonies.

Yeah, I’m a great racist.

Holy shit.

[plucking guitar string]

[sighs]

[singing] A… A… A… A… A…

Who wants pizza rolls and purple stuff?

Oh, wow, Chief Geronimo!

Just Geronimo is fine.

You’re the famous renegade tracker.

Sure.

And [gasps] you’re Thomas Edison, the world-renowned scientist!

[scoffs] The same.

Wow, George, the team is really shaping up nicely.

Oh, no. No, we’re not a team anymore, Martha. We quit.

What?

Besides, the revolution was Abe’s thing.

I tried to avenge him, but we blew it.

Now, we’re just gonna jam a bit and slam some beers.

This is a basic blues riff, guys.

Just watch me for the changes. All right, losers, let’s party.

No! George Bon Jovi Washington, you do not get to party.

What?

Would Abe want to party right now?

Abe never wanted to party.

Because he had goals, unrealized dreams.

But you bet your ass once those dreams were realized, he would’ve snorted a line as long as the Magna Carta.

Really? No. Abe? My Abe?

Are you kidding? With that head?

[laughs] Dude was all sinus. He was made for the marching powder.

Not how cocaine works.

Now, those goals are your goals.

Those unrealized dreams are your unrealized dreams.

That’s the promise that you made, right?

So, achieve those goals.

Realize those dreams.

And then, you can party like a rich white man who will never face adversity for the rest of his glorious life!

You’re right. I have to earn it.

That is what Abe would want, that insane coke-hound! [chuckles]

Guys, I’ve thought about it.

I’m willing to give it another shot if you are.

What do you say?

Sure, man.

Um, you’re the one who quit.

If we can find Arnold, we can force the Gettysburg Address out of him.

Oh, I’m sorry, did none of you notice my f*cking arm?

Benedict Arnold is a werewolf!

In some cultures, known as a skinwalker.

He ain’t givin’ up shit unless he thinks we’re an actual threat to him.

The only way to be an actual threat to him–

Is if we have a silver bullet.

Exactly.

Wait, what are we doing again?

A silver bullet? Who could ever even make such a thing?

I know a blacksmith.

He made this armor and I’ve never taken it off.

Okay. Okay! We’ll visit this blacksmith and he will discover the secret of the impossible weapon we require.

Because our cause is just!

It is righteous!

It is His will! His and Abe’s!

And the Earth Mother’s.

Nope.

And Isaac Newton’s.

Nope. Just God’s.

I hold these truths to be self-evident.

All for one and one for all!

We will find the Gettysburg Address.

[all] Huzzah!

[Paul] Huzzah! Nope, too late.

[clanking]

[grunts]

[hisses]

Smittay!

[bell chimes]

Damn! F*ck my life.

We’re friends.

[birds chirping]

Do I even wanna know why you need a silver bullet?

Best that you not know, Mr. Smith.

Why do you keep calling me Mr. Smith?

Well, Revere called you Black Smith.

Right, because I’m a blacksmith.

Right. A Black Smith.

A blacksmith.

Black Smith.

I’m a smith who works with metal, which oxidizes during the heating process and turns black.

So, you’re a Smith.

Exactly.

Of the Baltimore Smiths?

[sighs]

Just tell me what you need it for.

It’ll be used to free the colonies. Let’s just leave it at that.

Oh, you’re talking about the Brits.

Shit, why didn’t you say so? I’m definitely down for that.

You are?

F*ck, yeah!

I mean, don’t get it twisted.

I definitely do not trust you motherf*ckers.

You three, especially.

But f*ck, man, I hate the British.

Why, what have the fun police done to you?

Look around. I’m a small business owner.

What’s a small business owner’s greatest enemy?

Large businesses?

Thin profit margins?

Rising lube costs?

White people stealing everything you own.

Having a squirrel for a friend?

No.

Staff turnover?

Tesla being a bitch?

Not getting drunk at lunch?

White people stealing everything you own.

Constant instinct to second-guess having risked your savings on unproven business acumen?

No, it’s taxes.

Taxes. Correct.

Small business taxes. And what’s the big knock against the British?

Something about taxation!

Exactly.

You’ll help us? You’ll craft the silver bullet free of charge?

What? Are you white motherf*ckers crazy?

I just told you I’m a small business owner.

You think I’m gonna give you silver for free?

Well, we don’t have silver.

The British seized it all when they got here–

Spoons. Teaspoons. I remember.

Why do you think that shit’s so expensive?

Okay. Well, how much do we need for, like, one bullet?

A metric shit-ton.

For one bullet?

Oh, I’m sorry. Are you a f*cking metallurgist like me?

That’s, like, a thousand spoons!

Three thousand.

It’s a metric shit-ton.

Where are we gonna get 3,000 spoons overnight, bro?

Well…

[ship horn sounds]

[blacksmith] May I present, the year’s biggest tea party.

You need silver spoons, you need to get aboard that ship.

Wait a minute. How did you know about this?

[Samuel] What’s up with these assholes and flyers?

Well, it’s a great way to communicate with a widespread audience, much like direct mail or the Pony Express, where my brother does not work.

[grunts] All right. Shall we?

Wait, wait, wait. Wait!

We need a plan.

Why?

Well, last time we didn’t have one and things got shitty.

Huh?

Yeah, Geronimo lost his arm.

No, he lost like three-fifths of an arm.

[scoffs] Seriously?

Oh, thoughts and prayers.

Look, good leaders like Abe have a plan for everything.

All right, His Leadership, let’s hear it.

Okay.

So, Mr. Smith, you’ll be the lookout.

[blacksmith laughs] Nope.

What?

You want me, a Black dude, to sit here in the dark, alone, to play lookout for you while you break the law?

Oh, hell no! I hate the British but I ain’t lookin’ to get killed.

So, y’all are on your own to get that silver.

But if you do get it, I’ll make your little bullet.

All right. Then… here’s the plan.

Geronimo, you’ll be the lookout. Are you cool with being the lookout?

I mean, if my choice is to be the lookout or have one of you looking out for me, yeah, I’ll be the lookout.

Great. Okay. Edison, you’ll pose as the wife of an officer already on board.

[groans] This is taking too long. Let’s just dress as those guys.

[all] Ello, guv.

Well, technically, that is a plan.

Just technically, a very bad plan.

Ha! I told you a jail would be a better use of space than lifeboats.

Hey, at least we got on board, right, guys?

I consider this mission accomplished. Ooh, we should get a banner.

Ugh, shockingly, Sam’s not wrong. We can still make this work.

I’ve taken note of how often the guards go on rounds.

If we lay low for a few hours–

No!

Enough with all of the planning!

Did Magellan have a plan when he circumnavigated the globe?

[all] No!

[Edison] Yes.

That took a lot of preparation.

We’ll set our course for freedom using only our wits as our guide.

Mr. Revere, tear down that wall.

[Paul] Whee!

What is this place?

I don’t know, but don’t touch any–

Ooh, oops.

They’re steeping the colonists in tea!

Turning them British. James, you sick bastard!

Look, as far as I can tell, this is a test run.

James is up to something bigger than crushing the revolution.

Maybe even… Oh, f*ck! I don’t even want to say it!

Just say it.

Something global.

[all gasp]

That means…

There are global stakes now.

Good God! Can you figure out what he’s planning?

Yeah, I think I can. If I can just hack the mainframe.

Great. Guys, gather as many silver spoons as you can.

In the meantime, I’ll get these hardworking Americans out of these tubes!

[Edison] George! No!

No! I had almost downloaded the plan.

Uh, guys, we gotta go.

Yep.

Totally right. Grab spoons, guys. Quick, let’s go.

[exploding]

[indistinct shouting]

[screams]

[Paul] Oh, no.

Oh, my God, the humanity.

This is bad. This is so bad.

Those poor boat people.

Look, if anybody asks, the Titanic hit an iceberg.

We were never here, baby.

[sighs]

It’s hopeless, Martha. At this rate, I’ll never avenge Abe.

And see his dream through, don’t forget.

That’s the whole second part.

I tried.

I tried to be a leader like him, Martha. It’s just not working.

Oh, George. Abe was a great leader, but you can’t copy him.

You must find your own style of leadership.

Maybe something with less planning. Something more free-spirited, like you.

I know. I just wish I realized that before we…

Before the Titanic hit that iceberg.

Yes. What a tragedy.

Right? Such a tragedy!

It feels like, for every step forward, we just take two steps back. John 3:16.

Then, let’s focus on the positive, huh? What was tonight’s step forward?

I got these spoons.

[spoons jingling]

Oh, that’s great, George. And are they, like, for something?

Yeah, but they’re still useless without the Gettysburg Address.

[sighs] The tirelessness with which you’ve pursued your quest has betrayed your confidence in it.

Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep.

Generous, but I need to earn it.

Then, for now, rest, my love.

Clear your head. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

John 3:16?

I don’t think so, champ.

For now, rest, my love. Clear your head.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

[gasps]

Where am I?

[Abe] Don’t worry, George. You’re safe.

Abe? Abe, is that you? I can’t see. Everything’s so bright.

Oh, that’s me. Sorry, I was trying to make this seem more impressive.

It’s great to see you, Abe. But what is this place?

[echoing] It’s your dream world, George.

Is it?

Can I ask a question, real quick? Why is my dream world so shitty?

[chuckles] Well, we ran out of money.

My dream ran out of money?

Sure.

Yeah. Look, I’ve been told by the, you know, “dream producers,” that we could use this money more effectively elsewhere.

Like in an epic ending battle happening sometime in the next 30 minutes or so.

Okay, well, what were you gonna do?

Oh, I had this whole idea worked out.

-You were gonna fight a dream-hydra.

Whoa, that’s cool.

I know. And it was made up of all of King James’ rules.

And for every rule you cut down, another appeared.

Rah!

[George] Ooh!

That’s a nice metaphor, dude!

Thanks, bro.

And it was all about how the revolution is about more than just breaking the king’s rules.

It’s also about your son.

What? I’m havin’ a boy?

[laughs] Yeah!

Boom! Sex, bitch! Oh, shit! Yeah!

Either way would be cool. Girls are cool.

Yeah. Yeah, it’s a son, though. He’s the future.

Him and all the sons and daughters of this great nation, no matter what they look like or where they come from.

Be a leader for them, George.

A leader for all people!

I get it. I get it, Abe.

But I would’ve got it a lot better if I was kicking an ass of a giant dream-hydra, but I’m just saying, I get it. I got it.

Agreed. But don’t worry, George.

There’s plenty of fighting left to do.

Oh, and one more thing.

What is it, old chum? You can tell me anything.

When your wife offers you a hand job, you take it.

[Martha] George!

Martha!

[groans] George!

Martha!

Oh, don’t worry about her, Georgie.

She’ll be quite not well taken care of, if you catch my drift.

I don’t. But you were on the Titanic. You should be dead.

I mean, I heard you were on the Titanic.

That’s what I heard from someone who was there, while I was here… reading… this book.

The Graps of Wreath.

Yes, well, I’m an excellent swimmer, dickhead.

You should’ve done your research.

Thanks for the tip.

When Edison invents the Internet next year, I’ll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself.

“Benedict Arnold, great swimmer and a total f*cking asswipe.”

Well, I’ll just change it back.

No, you won’t, because you’ll be dead!

[motor sputters]

Huh?

What?

Well, maybe after she invents the Internet, your friend Edison can invent chainsaws that don’t require gasoline. [laughs]

You sucked the gas out of my arm chainsaws while I was sleeping?

Jesus Christ, what kind of psychopath are you?

The worst kind.

Whatever you take that to mean.

Take her to the Gettysburg Address.

[Martha] George, no!

Martha!

Oh, my, Georgie, I just realized we woke you up.

Please allow us to recompense.

[grunts]

[Paul] Last night was bad news, human friends.

Yeah, bad news for the fun police. Eat a dick, Titanic!

[laughs]

Right! Yes! Cool, cool, cool.

And I guess the entire harbor ecosystem can just eat a dick, too, right?

I mean… Yes, 100%.

Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!

Are you okay?

George! What is it?

Arnold kidnapped Martha!

Oh, no!

It sucks when they steal your wife!

And she’s pregnant!

What?

Congratulations, that’s a beautiful gift!

Thanks! I’m sorry this is how I’m telling you, but we appreciate your support!

We’re already on waiting lists for preschool.

Hey, man. Maybe you need to take some time for yourself.

It’s a lot, emotionally. I would know.

No, that’s exactly what I don’t need.

The old George would just party these woes away.

But not me. This just adds fuel to my f*ckin’ fire.

Hell yeah, man!

Ben said he’s keeping her at the Gettysburg Address.

Which we still don’t have. George, I’m sorry to say, but we’ve tried everything to crack this code.

Code…

I don’t know what else we can do.

Code… Oh! Holy shit!

What?

[George] Not many people know this, but Abe wasn’t just America’s premier celebrity chef.

He was also its most capable cryptographer.

Plip-plopipher?

Cryptographer. You know, someone who crafts and solves codes and ciphers.

[chuckling] Yeah, a plip-plopipher.

That’s what I said. We’re saying the same thing.

Exactly. Which means that Abe’s final edict, that I name our freed country America, was itself likely a cipher.

Hidden within the words of America, my friends, is the Gettysburg Address.

I don’t know, seems like kind of a leap.

But I’ll need some time to crack the code.

In the meantime, someone must run the spoons to Black Smith.

[all at once] Not it!

All right, Chief, that’s you.

What the f*ck just happened?

Did I just lose a game that white people didn’t explain the rules to?

I can’t carry all the silver.

I only got the one arm.

[laughing] And whose fault is that?

That would be yours. For screwing up Vietnam.

What are you talking about? We won Vietnam.

[sighs] Actually, if it gives me some time away from you, yeah, I’ll do it.

You are a good man, Chief Geronimo.

[Geronimo] Just Geronimo.

The rest of you, come with me.

I know the perfect place to work on Abe’s cipher.

Ugh, come on.

[King James] You left Washington alive.

[Benedict] Uh, yes, a calculated risk, my liege.

Instead of trimming one thorn, we may soon be in position to wipe out the whole damn bush.

[King James] And kidnapping his wife?

You’re not worried that will motivate him?

Oh, I’m counting on it.

Still, we should expedite my… Your plan.

Very well. Send me the head engineer.

You wanted to see me, Your Majesty?

There’s been a slight change of plan.

We’ll need my weapon operational sooner than anticipated.

How much sooner, Your Majesty?

You tell me.

If we work around the clock, we could probably have it ready in three weeks?

[gulps]

[whistle blows]

Please, Your Majesty, Your Highness. I can do it faster.

Ah, thank God.

[gasps]

[shrieks]

My foot!

Most impressive.

[screams]

Manchester, come to Daddy.

Oh, look at the good boy.

Oh, look, you have a little engineer on your face.

Well, I guess I do, too, now.

Don’t I? Don’t I? Yes!

[kisses]

Uh, okay.

I’ll have Engineering redouble their efforts.

See that you do, Arnold.

Whether or not you succeed with your plan, and in case it wasn’t clear, I’m not holding my breath,

Washington is now marching inexorably into the gnashing maw of the most diabolical war machine the world has ever known.

And he doesn’t even see it coming.

[laughs maniacally]

Yes. They never do.

Uh, George? I thought you said you had a safe place to work.

What? This looks good to me.

Thank you, Paul.

But this isn’t the place I had in mind. That is.

[all exclaim]

[Paul] It got even better!

[George] Abe, I’m home.

[hisses]

[exclaims] Pardon me, ma’am.

Oh, my gord, horse toys! Whee!

George?

George, are you okay, buddy?

[sniffles]

Yes, I am.

But I need to be one with Abe now.

I have to get inside of his head if I hope to crack this code.

Okay.

Come on, come on!

Confirm! Please confirm!

We are cruisin’!

Oh, yeah! [chuckles]

Next and next. Next. Too easy.

No, no, don’t. No, no. Yes! Reset 30%, please!

F*ck no! I’m f*cked.

No, f*ck!

I am rusty, rusty.

Okay, at the hands of this guy is you.

Eternal destruction.

Quick, quick, quick! Thank you.

Return. Return. Yes!

Three, two, one. Go!

Come on. Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

You’ve been hacked, bro!

So, what are you going to do when this is all over, huh?

You got family somewhere?

Clyde is my family.

No, I know, but like, you know, people family, friends?

That’s why I’m doing this.

You started a war against the most powerful country on Earth to make friends?

Yes. Yes, I did. I never had people friends.

Oh, Paul. You have one now.

Thank you. Why do you wanna make war?

They’re mean to you and they disrespect you, like a mule.

Well, George means well.

Sam disrespects me, but he’s an idiot.

Listen, lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.

Well, I’m friends with a lot of sheep and, boy, are they opinionated.

Oh, I just meant–

[mimics sheep bleating]

That’s how sheep talk.

Look, I’m doing this because I want science for everyone.

Without fear of punishment or persecution or even judgment.

Problem is, the rich white assholes that run the joint keep telling everyone that science isn’t real.

So, I’m gonna show ’em.

I’m gonna show the whole damn world that science is real.

How are you gonna do that?

By using it to do something that no one can ignore.

I’m going to use science to win a war.

Oh!

I don’t know how I’m gonna do it yet.

But all it takes is one great invention deployed at the perfect time, and then, the whole world will yell at once–

[door slams open]

Eur-goddamn-reka!

…at which point, I was reminded of one of Abe’s favorite exploits.

After a reverse hash, I backdoored the root password.

A base checksum against the main data store allowed me to retrieve the salted hash, and then, from there, I was gleaming the cube.

George, this is amazing!

You haven’t even heard the kicker.

When I extrapolated through a dual node minimum spanning tree, the cipher’s definition revealed itself.

“A” is the first letter of the alphabet, which means it is letter number one. Therefore, “A” equals one.

Yeah, I understand all of this.

Oh!

And if “A” equals one, then–

You’ve got to be kidding me!

Both of us.

I am not. America equals “1 Merica.”

Now, does that word “Merica” ring a bell to any of you?

Oh! Oh! I know! F*ck, I lost it.

Ooh, no. Does it start with a one?

Maybe this will jog your memory.

This is ten times magnification.

Oh, my God.

[George] Gentlemen, lady, I give you the Gettysburg Address.

[Samuel] Oof!

Oh. I guess we… I guess we should’ve scouted the area, right, guys?

But then we wouldn’t have had George’s awesome code-cracking scene, right?

Really? You thought that was awesome?

It wasn’t, you know, too indulgent?

No way, dude. Totally realistic.

And entirely too short.

Guys, you have got to see this. Look.

Whoa!

[Samuel] What do you see?

[George] Redcoats standing around a table.

And there’s only one reason grown men would stand around a table.

To jerk off.

To plot– What?

To plot.

Exactly. The meeting’s already underway.

Then we haven’t a moment to lose.

George, wait. We don’t have the silver bullet yet.

We need it to kill Arnold.

Damn it! That’s right.

Where the hell are those guys with our silver bullet?

[hip-hop music playing]

…and then the big dumb one says, “We won Vietnam.”

[laughs]

Can you imagine being so used to winning at everything for your whole life, that even when you lose, your brain’s just like, “Yo, we must’ve won that shit, right?”

That’s the definition of privilege, right there.

Oh, I’ve tried to tell them that so many times, but they don’t even hear me.

You wanna get through to them, you’d have to put your message in like, I don’t know, the dumbest thing possible, like a cartoon or something.

Hey, so how much longer on this silver bullet?

Man, that shit been done for hours.

What?

[both laugh]

Oh, yeah.

I can’t wait any longer.

I have to rescue my wife and unborn child.

If that baby-eating bastard is in there–

Oh, my God! He threatened to eat your unborn baby?

No, no, no. I mean, not literally. But, look, he’s very evil, Edison.

I mean, come on. Are we splittin’ hairs here?

George, without that silver bullet, we’ll all be dinner.

I know, okay? Look, guys, I don’t expect you to go in there.

It’s suicide, but I have to.

George, we’re a team.

If there’s even a chance we can save your family, we have to take it. Right, guys?

Plus, I just heard he eats babies!

Oh, no!

Sam, no!

I knew it!

There’s no time to lose. Come on. Let’s get our sneak on.

[softly] Science.

Uh-huh. The door’s not locked.

It didn’t need to be. Laser beams.

Hope you boys are limbered up.

Easy. Easy, does it. Easy, Daddy. Oh, easy.

[grunts]

Uh, guys, this is just yarn.

I’m creeping very quietly.

Don’t you move, bad guy!

[laughs]

Look at him go! That’s great!

Ha-ha! What the shit?

Who f*cking drew this? This is completely unrealistic.

[man 1 over speaker] Pip-Pip, cheerio.

[man 2] Bob’s your uncle.

[man 1] Ello, guv!

[man 3] Bangers and mash.

[man 3] Enslave the Irish! [laughs]

That bastard set us up.

Martha!

Martha!

George, wait! It’s a… trap.

Yep, shit.

What did they do to your wife?

Paul, that’s not Martha.

It’s a hyper-thermobaric bomb.

My hand blasters should interrupt the current to the triggering mechanism.

[whispers] Science.

[beeping]

Oh, what?

Witch, that was your one chance and your beloved science totally f*cked us!

I don’t understand. I used science.

We’re outta time. I have to get this as far away as possible.

It’s up to you guys now.

Save Martha! Save America!

No, you save her yourself, George.

This is a job for a racist.

The fastest racist in the colonies.

Goodbye, people friends!

[neighs]

Yah!

Go, Clyde! Fast as the wind!

Hey, compadre, vamanos!

Clyde, what are you talking about?

Clyde can get a lot further away without Pablo’s added weight.

No! But Clyde is Paul’s only friend!

No, Pablo has human friends now.

But, Clyde–

Go! Git! [neighs]

Don’t you see?

Clyde doesn’t want Pablo around anymore.

What?

Git! Damn it, Pablo, git!

Clyde, no!

Get away!

Clyde, why would you say that? No!

[crying] Clyde, please!

Clyde!

Oh, I guess that big idiot really cared about us.

Yeah, he really did.

[laughing maniacally]

[George] King James, we meet at last.

Yes, yes. Kudos, Washington.

I see that you managed to evade the trap your old friend Benedict laid for you.

Evade this, butter teeth!

Sam, you’re not gonna…

[laughing]

[Thomas] It’s a hologram.

Where’s my wife, you bastard?

I believe you mean… Where is your future queen?

Never!

Oh, you’ll come round.

Martha!

If you lay even one of your sausage fingers on her, I’ll rip your f*cking dick off!

You better make it quick, George, because we’re about to become very well acquainted.

No more repartee, James.

No more games!

I want you face-to-face.

Hmm. What did you have in mind?

Tomorrow.

For all the f*cking marbles.

My squad. Your squad!

You mean, your squad and my giant f*ck-off army!

Bring me every Redcoat alive for all I care.

I’ll bring extra gas for my chainsaws.

I accept. Tomorrow morning. Attrition Field.

Eight o’clock, sharp. Don’t be late.

[Paul yelling] Clyde!

[sobbing]

Hmm. He gonna be okay?

You sacrificed Clyde… to save us?

Clyde sacrificed himself.

I love my new people friends, but I loved Clyde, too!

He was my brother!

There’s gotta be something we can do.

Well, I’m in a book club with Clara Barton.

[scoffs] The groundbreaking medical practitioner?

His name’s Clara?

[Clara] I think I can save him.

But it will require the full breadth of my cybernetic research to do so.

Meaning?

Meaning when I’m done…

He’ll be more machine than animal.

And there’s also a chance that at some point in the distant future, he’ll rise up against us and–

The horse owes me three bucks, so do what you gotta do, Doc.

It’s a long shot. My nanotechnology is advanced, but there’s really just no substitute for living tissue.

Go. I need to be alone with Clyde.

Okay, Paul. Okay.

[Paul sobs]

[munching loudly]

Say what you will about these colonists, but frying a chicken and putting it in a bucket, that’s a solid idea.

Aren’t you thirsty, my queen?

I’ll never drink your over-taxed tea, James.

You’ll feel much more agreeable after a relaxing soak.

Arnold, has milady’s bath been drawn?

Yes, my liege. Earl Grey, hot.

Excellent!

Oh! [laughing] Look at this, it’s a double-stuffed pizza crust.

Just… I mean, do the maths, Arnold. It’s impossible.

[gags]

Did you want some?

Enjoy it while you can, James.

Before my husband rips your f*cking dick off!

My dear, now that my Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete, your husband and his band of traitorous ne’er-do-wells will soon be ripping their own dicks off.

[laughs maniacally]

[scoffs] Why would they do that?

Do what?

Rip their own dicks off?

Because! That’s why! [laughs maniacally]

Is he a cookie or is he a puss?

You know what? I don’t care. He’s my new best friend, that’s who he is.

[hesitates]

Yes, my king, there is so much this bountiful new land has to offer.

Yes. And which corner of my new kingdom will you choose to rule, I wonder?

[gasps] Oh!

Why don’t you take a Dakota? Hell, take both.

Why don’t I take the whole thing? [laughs]

But why?

Because, you double-stuffed buffoon, why would I want to eat a slice…

Oh, my God!

…when I can eat the whole a-pizza pie?

[munching loudly]

Finally, freedom has a birthday. Tomorrow.

So, go home.

Go home to your friends,

to your families, to your loved ones.

And then, ready your arsenals.

Bring not the weapons you would use to topple men, but the weapons that you would use to topple armies.

The weapons you would use to topple nations.

For tomorrow, our revolution dies and America is born.

Guide me, old friend.

Show me the way.

[Abe] George, I wish I had a million friends like you!

…a million friends…

Abe, you forward-thinking son of bitch!

But we’re still gonna need a lot of firepower.

[man] Well, hey, welcome to Y’all Mart. How can I help you?

Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? I need guns.

Well, bless your heart.

And did you have any particular type in mind?

Um, whatever the firearm equivalent of a massive overreaction would be.

Like, for every bullet fired at me, I’d want to be able to fire several hundred in return.

Oh, I see. And what do you plan on using them for?

Hunting?

Perfect!

I can definitely help you with that.

Now, we do have a waiting period.

And it’s over. Let’s get you heavily armed, big fella.

Fantastic! Say, aren’t you Mr. Kinko’s boy?

Yes, sir. Frederick Xavier Kinko. Nice to meet ya.

Well, Fred X. Kinko, that’s convenient.

I’m also looking for a photocopier.

The best in the colonies.

Were you able to sleep?

Yeah.

Slept like a log.

Neither was I. No matter, we’ll all sleep soon enough… in the beds of vanquished kings.

Wow, that was beautiful phrasing. You’re gettin’ pretty good at this.

You like that? Really? Check this out.

Teamwork, it makes the dream work.

Whoa! He’s right. It does.

Okay, that, right there, that’s leadership.

Thanks, guys. Look, man, I gotta say, I’m feeling pretty confident.

Maybe things are going to work out after all.

Holy shit.

F*ck me.

[trumpets]

[clock chimes]

[mechanisms whirring]

[growls]

All right. I’m not gonna sugarcoat this.

Three against ten thousand? That’s pretty bad odds.

For us.

Well, we have the high ground.

You have more than the high ground.

Geronimo! Blacksmith! We thought you deserted.

Thought about it, like, really hard, then started going in the other direction.

Even booked an Air T&P on the opposite side of town.

But despite my better judgment, I ate the deposit and decided to come.

Because this is my land and I don’t need anybody’s permission to defend it.

And Mr. Smith, you’ll join the fight as well?

I figured, if we’re gonna end up with an old white dude in charge, we could do a hell of a lot worse than you, George Washington.

You’re one of the good-ish ones.

All that silver… for one bullet.

Yeah, so you better make it count.

We will, and we’ll do it in style.

[Samuel] Yeah.

I commissioned Betsy Ross and Tim Gunn to make these last night.

Tim Gunn? Sounds like a badass.

My dream, as silly as it seems now, was that after our victory today, this design would become a national symbol.

The first ever American flag.

A symbol of our indomitable spirit.

Of our thirst for knowledge!

Of our tireless quest to kick ass!

And, and! I’m just spitballing here, but maybe this style of blouse will become the uniform of the first ever American national pastime.

It’ll be like cricket, but with actual rules.

And you won’t even have to be athletic to participate.

Or have two arms.

And women can play, too.

You know, don’t… Let’s not get sidetracked.

Hark, the national bird!

[Geronimo] You took everything else.

You know what we need now? A national song.

I believe you mean… a national anthem.

[eagle screeches]

♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪

♪ Would you still remember me? ♪

♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪

♪ ‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now ♪

[crowd joins in] ♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪

[vocalizing]

[all] ♪ Lord help me, I can’t change ♪

[thunder rumbling]

[growling]

[Thomas] This is so beautiful, George!

[George] I know, it rocks, right? I wrote it last night.

I’m gonna request that song at every party from now until the end of time.

No. No, not the song.

The Americans!

[gasps] They came. It worked!

What worked, G-Dub?

I found an old note from Abe last night.

And he said he wished he had a million friends like me.

And that’s when I realized, I can have a million friends.

[all cheering]

Oh! Why settle for 20 bros when you could have a million, no matter how different they look.

Exactly! Sam, that’s the American way!

Hey, guys. Did ya hear?

I’m not racist anymore! I’m doin’ it!

Super.

George, how did you do this?

How did you reach this many people overnight?

I remembered something one of my friends told me about flyers.

They’re a great way to communicate with a widespread audience.

I spent all night distributing these all over this great land, from sea to shining sea.

[Thomas] That’s thousands of miles! How did you–

Oh, I had a little help from the fastest racist in the colonies!

[all] Whoa!

[Samuel] What have they done to you?

[Geronimo] Does that hurt?

[in robotic voice] The British are coming… to get their asses kicked!

Heh. Well, I am just glad that we got the band back together.

All right, everybody, come on! Grab an AR-15.

These little death machines here are gonna even the odds for us.

But once the war is over though, okay, I definitely need them back.

Yeah, man. No problem.

Yeah, they’re just way too dangerous for civilians to keep. Am I right?

That is completely reasonable.

What in God’s name are we waiting for?

Why are we not attacking?

Beggin’ your pardon, me lord, the Americans was just changing their kits into the stars and stripes, see?

Then they sang a song for a bit, yeah.

Now it looks like they’re settlin’ some personal differences.

Shan’t be long.

We don’t have to wait for them to get dressed.

Attack, you idiots!

Copy that, Command. Commencing bombardment.

Now, let’s go start a f*cking revolution!

Kick it!

Tread on them! Tread the f*ck all over them!

[rock song playing]

[yelling]

[yelps]

Oh, no.

[eagles screeching]

Me-ronimo!

Edison, give me that juice!

For America! Charge!

[Benedict] Artillery. Open fire on the front.

[soldier over speaker] But, my lord, we’ll hit our own men.

F*ck’s sake. I’m evil!

We’re the bad guys! Jesus, pay attention!

Now, open fire or I’ll eat your bones!

[clears throat] Commander.

[commander over speaker] Roger, roger. All cannon, open fire. Danger close.

We’ve gotta do something about those cannons!

Wait a minute. Is that Martha?

Oh, my God! Edison, on me!

[grunts] Paul, take out those walkers or we’re sunk!

Affirmative. Commencing attack run.

Edison, give me a lift.

I’m on it! Science, don’t fail me now.

[George] Edison, fly straight!

[Edison] My thrusters took some damage!

Just get me to that elephant!

[grunting]

[screaming]

[Martha in British accent] Ello, guv’ner!

[laughing] Oh, Martha! Thank God!

I’m just so happy that you’re… safe?

Stay on target.

Stay on target.

[bellows]

Well, Manchester, if you want something done right…

[growls]

Get some! Get some! Get some! [grunts]

What the… What are you?

[snaps]

[bellows]

[screaming]

Oi! Handball! That’s a foul, ya wanker!

Maybe that’s true in Britain.

But this is America, asshole! [grunts]

[screams]

Touchdown!

[Benedict] What is the deal with these chaps?

It’s like they have no quit in them.

No matter, I guess I’ll just skip to the end, then.

Game over, old friend.

[machinery whirring]

We’re surrounded. Why aren’t they advancing?

Because that’s not part of the plan, ya dumb twat!

Oh, f*ck!

Holy! What is that thing?

It’s a weather control device. Look at the tea bags.

It’s designed to seed the clouds… with tea!

Teabagging them? Literally? But why?

To make them rain tea.

Every man, woman and child beneath these spacious skies will be turned British instantly.

The revolution will not only be over, it will effectively have never even occurred.

Aw, f*ck! These are those global stakes you were talking about, aren’t they?

Yep. If he successfully British-izes every colonist in the New World, he won’t stop there. He’ll British-ize the entire world.

[chuckling] Okay. You know what? F*ck it.

It was fun while it lasted, boys.

Keep it.

This is your last moment as a colonist. You may as well enjoy it.

Besides, it’s sorta perfect.

I mean, beer’s the exact opposite of tea.

So, one last “f*ck you” to the Brits. Am I right?

The exact opposite. That’s it! Sam, hold this keg steady.

But it’s full of beer!

It better be.

Blacksmith, hammer this valve into place.

On it!

Geronimo, keep track of where that thing is headed.

That won’t be too hard.

And, Paul, I’m gonna need a lot of juice!

[engine revving]

Yo, Edison! What is that shit?

It is science.

The science that’s going to win this war.

Last time you tried “science,” you set off a bomb that almost killed us.

How can you be so sure that this will work?

Well, I’m not sure, Sammy, but I have a hypothesis.

So, let’s go test that hypothesis and draw some f*cking conclusions!

This is for science!

[echoing]

[screams]

[screaming]

[grunts]

No! No! Not like this! Not like this, Martha!

Drink it, George! Drink it in.

No! I won’t do it! Ah!

Fine, resist. And I’ll gain full custody of our son the moment he is born.

And you’ll be helpless to stop it.

You’ll have failed as a leader, as a husband and as a father, just like your father before you.

[laughs maniacally]

Hey, hey, it’s okay.

Even though you totally blew it and let everyone on the team down, you tried your best, witch.

I’m not a witch, Sam. I am a scientist.

And no, I did not.

The beam. It wasn’t meant to blow the Teabagger out of the sky.

Nope.

Horse sound.

What did you do, human lady friend?

I reversed the polarity of the tea.

So, if it ain’t tea no more, what the f*ck is it?

The exact opposite of tea.

[gasps] It’s beer! Beer won the war!

What? No, beer didn’t win… No, science!

[all] Bro!

I’d just like to say something, you know, as the leader of the group.

Thirty minutes ago, I dreamed of a bigger fraternity.

And now, I look around and I have it.

That’s the power of positive thinking, guys.

Believe in yourselves!

Are you kidding me?

Mmm, delicious, isn’t it?

[coughs]

[eagle screeches]

Ah!

Oh! George? What happened?

Science, Martha. Science happened.

Oh, my God! I could have… I almost…

[shushes] No, don’t you worry about that.

You’re back now and we’ve just got one thing left to do.

Have awesome sex!

Final boss battle. What?

Uh, yep. Yep. Final boss battle.

Bro!

No!

Bros. Bros everywhere!

It reeks of Ye Olde Axe body spray!

[George] Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a moment to talk about freedom?

Aren’t you surprised to see me leading the British and not King James?

What? No. You obviously pulled a Benedict Arnold.

A what?

A Benedict Arnold. You’re a thing now, bro.

Whenever you get f*cked over by a trusted friend, it’s called getting Benedict Arnolded. Right, everybody?

[all] Yeah.

It’s totally a thing.

No. You… You can’t just do that.

Oh, yeah, we can. Because we all voted on it.

And that’s called…

[all] F*cking Democracy!

We’re doin’ it!

[laughing] Oh, Georgie.

You think you’ve won.

[growls]

Mega Wolf!

Geronimo, now!

Launch winch-chain.

[grunts]

[neighs]

[growls]

Sammy, take the shot!

Here comes the boom, bitch.

[grunting]

[growling]

[grunts]

Guys, I don’t know how much more he can take!

Where’s the stupid bullet?

We’re looking!

Any last regrets, old chum?

Yeah, I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.

Yes. Well, I suppose the one will have to do.

Oh, shit! It’s right here. Guys! I found it!

What are you smiling about, you idiot? You can’t possibly kill me.

I’m not trying to kill you, Ben.

They are. With America’s favorite pastime.

No!

Tax this, motherf*cker!

[commentator] It’s going way back to right field.

The bullet is still going! High up in there!

Bugger!

He did it!

John Henry Smith did it!

[all cheer]

Welcome to America!

[cheering]

[whooping]

[George] I wanna make a monument for Abe, too.

But of course, Mr. President. Same as yours?

No, I.M. Pei.

His should be a statue of him sitting there, staring at my monument.

[Abe chuckling] Who are you, Demi Moore?

Why you gotta screw a ghost like that, George?

Abe! Ah, bro! God, it’s good to see you again, man.

Well, you’re gonna feel like a real turd after you see what I brought you. Hah!

The Declaration! You saved it!

I did.

A little of Mr. Scotch’s invisible tape and it’s as good as new.

It’s beautiful, Abe.

It is, but you’re the real national treasure here, George.

I’m proud of you, bud.

And no, there’s no treasure map drawn on the back of it.

Oh, man.

George, what are you doin’, bro?

They’re lookin’ for you out there.

Oh, Sam!

I’m glad you’re here. I have something for you.

What is it?

A gift for my son’s godfather.

Who, me?

Yep.

I need someone I can trust with my son’s life.

And I always thought it would be Abe.

But with him as a gho… a goner, I need to find someone else.

George, I’m honored!

Hey, is that my hat? Oh, it is.

But… Ugh. I don’t know how to be a caretaker.

I don’t have those instincts.

No, don’t think of it as being the caretaker.

Think of it as being family.

Like the fun, drunk, now definitely no-longer-racist uncle that America has always needed.

Uncle Sam. I like It.

Uncle f*cking Sam!

Come on, Uncle Sam, our countrymen await.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Hey, Denzel.

[giggles]

[crowd cheers]

My fellow Americans, on this day, July 4th, 1776, we are all finally free!

[all cheer]

[man 1] What about your slaves?

Oh! Um…

I said, what about your slaves?

[George] Well, see–

And what about women?

Will we be granted equality in your America?

Yes, but–

Sure, right after the Indians.

Wait a second. I was under the impression we were getting our land back.

Good point. Um…

Oh, hey, can I keep this here machine gun?

Like, if a Mexican tries to take my property or something?

What? You just took this land from the Indians–

He was coming for you. I saw it!

He just shot him! In the back!

He was making a move, man. I swear it!

We’re gonna have a fair and unbiased judicial process, right?

Everyone, just calm down!

F*ck you!

No, f*ck you!

Hey, I just wanna marry my boyfriend.

Sinner!

There’s gonna be comprehensive health care, right?

[man 1] Seriously, dude. What about your slaves?

Oh, God. We’re gonna f*ck this up, aren’t we?

Dagnabbit! I think we missed it, E’s.

[growls weakly]

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