Alfie (2004) | Transcript

A cockney womanizer learns the hard way about the dangers of his actions.
Alfie (2004)

What’s it all about *

What’s it all about *

Alfie? *

Alfie? *

What’s it all about *

When you sort it out *

Alfie? *

What’s it all about? *

(smooth blues theme playing)

ALFIE: You’re lucky, you know.

I rarely allow anyone into my flat.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

Humble digs.

Not exactly what you’d call a “panty peeler.”

Do you know what I mean?

But it suits me just fine.

To be honest, I rarely spend a night in my own bed anyway.

You see, here’s my theory.

For most women, if a guy’s a good provider and generally a nice chap, six-pack abs really aren’t a deal-breaker.

On the flip side, however, even though the PC boyfriend sat next to you with his arm slung around your shoulder will deny it–

And he will deny it. For us boys, it’s all about F.B.B.

Face. Boobs. Bum.

I’m just being honest.

It’s been said that clothes speak the international language.

And I have to admit, I’m a bit of a fashion whore.

Unfortunately, today I’ve got work and I have to tone it down a little bit, but that’s all right.

Gucci. End-of-summer sale.

Very understated. And I can easily spice it up with…

What? No, no. I know what you are thinking.

If you ooze masculinity, like some of us do, you have no reason to fear pink.


Now, in the cologne department, most men overdo it.

Americans practically spray it on with a crop-duster.

My rule: nothing above the neck, though I do like a little splash on Big Ben.

You never know where the day may take you.

Almost forgot.

New word for the day.

Ostentatious. The attempt to attract attention to oneself.”

Who? Me?

Oh, blimey. I’m so rude. I haven’t introduced myself.


WOMAN: Alfie!

There you go. Alfie.

Are you the little elf that left these mocha bonbons on my doorstep?

No, no, no.

You must have a secret admirer, Mrs. Schnitman.

You are such a doll, Alfie.

But I’m supposed to be on a diet.

Oh, on a diet?

A diet. You?


Now, I don’t mean to be forward, Lu, but you should know by now that a full-figured girl like yourself is every guy’s secret fantasy.

Stop it.

So she’s a tub of lard.

The ship’s already sailed,

so why not make her feel good about herself, right?

Oh, Lu? Yes, angel?

I’m working the night spot and my apartment is a horror show, so I’m sorry if I keep you up with the dust-busting at 2 a.m.

Oh, don’t you worry.

I’ll give it a quick straighten.

Oh, no, no, you don’t need to do that.

Nonsense. I like doing things for you, Alfie.

I’m a blessed man having you in my life.

Thank you.

Keys are in the usual spot.

ALFIE: Now, back home, you’re always hearing tales about some bloke migrating to the States and winding up with buckets of money.

So not long ago, I packed up my bucket and headed west.

Now, I must admit, I had a second motive.

I’d always been told that the most beautiful women in the world… resided in Manhattan.

And when it comes to shagging birds, it’s all about one thing: Location, location, location.

God, I love this city.

All right, girls?

Just look around.

I mean, every one of them,

unique, special, like snowflakes.


And with such a plethora–

Calendar word meaning abundance, of gorgeousness and diversity, well, how could a man ever choose to settle down with just one?

I myself subscribe more to the European philosophy of life.

My priorities leaning towards wine, women–

Well, actually, that’s about it.

Wine and women.

Although, women and women is always a fun option.

So… to live life to the fullest, I require only enough to cover my modest expenses.

I’ve no desire to be the richest stiff in the cemetery.

(woman moaning)

I think this just might be my favorite position.

I know it was President Kennedy’s.

He was such a great leader.

Of course, JFK used the old “bad back” excuse, but if you ask me, he knew it gave you maximum pleasure with minimum exertion.

What is it about the back of a limo?


(moaning, giggling)

Obligatory cuddling.

Thousand one, thousand two…

Cripes. Hey, I’ve gotta get cracking.

I’ve got a 10:00 pickup.

You better hurry up.

You don’t want to keep her waiting.

Hmm. Wow!

Ow! (laughs)


ALFIE: Quite the number, isn’t she?

Yet she tells me her old man hasn’t shagged her in six months.

Six months.

I mean, thank God there are gentlemen like me around to pick up the slack.

Just look at her. Legs like a racehorse.

Perfect yoga bum. I give her my highest grade.

A minus.

Where did we tell the old man we were going tonight?

A movie.

Treasure, please, no, no, no.

Stop messing about. You’ll ruin my presets.


What movie?

I don’t know. What’s the difference?

The difference is the more detail you give, the less interested he’ll be.

It wouldn’t matter what I said.

It would never occur to Phil that another man would ever look twice at me.

Dor, darling, you fishing for a compliment?


You should know by now they only come from me when least expected.

Now, come and have a mint so Phil doesn’t smell the Alfie on your breath.

I don’t care if he does.

There’s one thing that puts me off marriage.

It’s married women.

Dorie doesn’t know it yet, but you won’t be seeing much more of her.

I’ve got that all-too-familiar feeling.

Sooner or later, she’ll be wanting a little bit more than I’m able to give.

Wouldn’t it be great if I was going home with you tonight instead of Phil the Pill?


It’s definitely time to stage a disappearing act.

So next Tuesday, same time, same place?

Oh, I’m sorry, love, it’s Fashion Week.

I’m booked double shifts.

I’ll call you the instant things let up.


In the meantime, I left you a little souvenir to remember me by.

Oh, Dor?

Your derrière looks really rather ravishing from this vantage point.



A compliment when least expected.

What can I say? Happy as a pup with two tails.


And I think I’ve done old Phil a bit of a favor too.

Of course, he’d be the last to see it.

Never expect any thanks in this life.

You know what I mean? So Tuesday…

…10:03 p.m.

Do I drag myself home to a cold flat, empty fridge, or nip across town for a hot bath, warm body, breakfast in bed?


Decisions, decisions…

Yeah, I think I’ll pay a visit to my semi-regular, quasi, sort of girlfriend.

My sweet Julie.



JULIE: Let me guess.

Unexpected last-minute fare.

Yeah. She had me going up and down for hours.

That supposed to be funny?

Because it is so very…



I’m not kidding, Alfie!

I’m not kidding. I hate you sometimes.

You have a very ostentatious way of showing it.

Yeah, I sure do.

No, darling. Can we hit pause?

I just need a second to unwind.

Oh, I nicked half a bottle of Stoli from the limo.

How do you want yours, on the rocks?

I just want my usual, Alfie. Straight up.

No, I’m so totally knackered.

I’ll make it up to you in the morning.

Cross my heart.

But tonight, all I’m good for is a bite to eat, hot bath and a nice long sleep.

(upbeat reggae music playing over radio)

You know, this isn’t a Holiday Inn, Alfie.

What’s that again?

Where were you tonight? Really?

You’ve got to open a restaurant. That’s seriously delicious.

Thanks, Alfie. It’s just chili.


A little eye contact, please.

We have something here, or am I just a glorified booty call?



Here’s what she’s really saying.

She wants me to commit.

Translation: Become “domestified.”

Now, it doesn’t do to become dependent on anybody in this life.

Change your nature, you’re a dead man.

Chili, please.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s adorable.

Cute? Absolutely. But is it ever enough?

I told you how we men are. We want showstoppers.

And the problem is, Julie hasn’t got enough of the superficial things that really matter.

Oh, I don’t deserve you.

Yeah, that’s probably true.

Too bad I love you.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Alfie. What?


You’re giving me the “Thanks, babe.”

You’re giving me the “Thanks, baby.”

Calm down.

Don’t tell me to calm down! I know how you feel!

Wait a minute. You’re gonna wake up–

BOY: Max.

Hey, little man.

Did we wake you up?


Now, lads, learn from my mistake.

Never get involved with a single mum.

See, they come with accessories, some of which can be… unfortunately, irresistible.

Hey, half-price Tuesday!

Sights like that make you realize we all have an expiration date.

And women do have a shorter shelf life than men, don’t they?

I think that’s what Julie was banging on about yesterday.

Elegant Limousine and Chauffeur.

This is where I make my reasonably honest living.

Standards of elegance has taken quite a pounding, wouldn’t you say?

I know.

Believe me, it’s merely a stepping stone.

Currently parked on one of those stepping stones is my best mate and future business partner, Marlon.

Black. Like Lonette’s skin… which I will never again touch.


I’m afraid you’re not meeting my man on top form.

See, Marlon’s got a problem.

Cross the threshold *

I slipped and fell too far *

Now there’s no light Coming from up above *

Here I am *

ALFIE: It’s called Lonette.

And very recently, it dumped him.

Oh, dear. Come on, what was it this time?

Three a.m., begging, Uh-huh.

at her front door.

Level of inebriation? Vomiting.

Right. So let me get this straight.

You were at her front door, three a.m. in the morning, begging and vomiting?

And what, she wasn’t charmed by that?


WING: Alfie? Why is there no Stoli in car number two?

I’ve no idea.

Oi, I gotta watch this guy like a hawk.


That little chap’s name is Wing.

My boss and owner of this tragic enterprise.

Wipe that car good!

Owner, that is, till me and Marlon swing a loan and buy it out from underneath his scrawny–

Hello? You miss bird shit.

(woman speaks Chinese)


He’s barking mad.

Check out the way he talks to the little woman.

(speaking Chinese)

She’s given him her best years, cooked his chop suey, helped with the business, and I bet at one time he couldn’t wait to rip off her kimono.

And now look at him.

And I’m supposed to respect the institution of marriage?

ALFIE: That’s a great figure, man.

We swing that loan, cash your IRA, I hock my Vespa…

We’re gonna take Wing by surprise with an offer like this.

I could’ve predicted this.

See, Marlon and Lonette have reached that critical 18-month “Where are we going, what are we doing, what’s happening here?”

crisis point that rears its ugly head in every relationship.

Lonette wanted ring, home, baby.

Marlon wanted another 18 months to make sure nothing better was coming his way.

I fucked up egregiously.

I see you’re making the most of that birthday calendar.

By the time he realized he’d made a mistake and he wanted her back… it was too late.

Hey, stranger.



Carol! Hi, Carol.


ALFIE: Hiya.

You look wonderful.

So, Carol, well, it’s nice to see you again. You be well.

What’s up with that?

Put it this way, the show closed after one performance only.

Do I even wanna know why?

No. Come on, it would be less than discreet to tell you why.

Hair on the arms.

Seriously. Long, thick–

What are you talking about?

You don’t have hair on your arms?

You’re looking very lovely tonight.

Thank you.

Dude, the iron door has slammed shut, man.

Classic, isn’t it?

Now that he can’t have her, he thinks he can’t live without her.

Some people are funny.

Marlon’s predicament got me thinking about my own situation.

Maybe– Maybe it was time to stoke the home fires.

Anybody in the mood for a little Alfie, straight up?

JULIE: Uh, this isn’t a good time, Alfie.

Got a lot on my mind.

Oh, God. Yeah, I really hate when that happens.

Open up, baby.

You look seriously beautiful.

Not tonight, Alfred.

What’s the matter? Tell me.

I don’t– I’m just– Well, I guess I’m– I’m just…

I’m just seeing red.

(door slams)

(thunder crashes)

(dog barking in distance)

ALFIE: I mean, the poor guy, he’s dying.

Come on, haven’t you–? You’ve tortured him long enough.

Alfie, he should’ve thought about all that before he was screwing around with that ex-girlfriend of his.

Those fake-ass, $5 titties.

Those are fake?


Wow, I’m devastated. They’ve got, like…

Alfie, you’re supposed to be consoling my devastation, remember?

Yeah, I am. Look, he came back, didn’t he?

Begging, crawling on his knees, vomiting–

I don’t care.

I’m sorry, I’m not that easy.

I don’t forgive, and I definitely do not forget.

Is okay if I leave now, miss? Oh, sí, Felix.

Hit the lights on your way out, por favor.


I better go.

It’s really coming down out there.


And I’m wearing suede.


ALFIE: You’re telling the truth. That’s brilliant.

(Lonette laughs)

Okay. I got one.

I never swam in the Pacific Ocean.

Me neither.

Oh, shit. Okay.

(Teddy Pendergrass’ “Love T.K.O.” playing over jukebox)

Okay. I’ve never seen a James Bond movie.

You’re joking. Not even a Sean Connery?

Uh-uh. You serious?

Wow, I don’t know if that’s magic or tragic.


Okay. Five-four. My go.

I’ve never made my own bed.

Oh, bullshit. No, I repeat.

I’ve never made my own bed.

What kind of mama you got?

That’s a good question.


Let’s see. All right.

I got something for you.

All right.

I’ve never had sex… I’ve never had sex with two people in one night.

Six-five, your favor.

(laughs) Gotcha.

So, Alfie, what’s the most you’ve had in one night?

We’ve stopped playing the game, haven’t we?

Am I wrong, or is there a little innocent flirting going on here?

‘Cause you lose all thoughts, sense of time *

And have a change of mind *

Driftin’ on a memory *

Ain’t no place I’d rather be Than with you *

Yeah *

Loving you *

(Lonette laughs)

Day will make a way for night *

See, if I had that kind of talent…

And a song *

Go on, finish your sentence.

If I had that kind of talent, and I looked like you…

And a song *

…I would be strutting my stuff…

Oh, yeah?

…on a stage.

Alone with a lover *

Unlike no other *

Sad to see *

A new horizon *

Slowly coming into view *

Yeah *

I wanna be living *


ALFIE: Trust me, what happens next was the furthest thing from my mind when I dropped by tonight.

But then I thought to myself, “You know what?

“If this will help her get past her anger towards Marlon, I owe it to both of them, as a friend, right? To do whatever I can to help.”

That touches me When the morning comes *

Feels good to me, yeah *

ALFIE: I find that, lately, even lying to myself comes easily.

Smoother than a gentle breeze *

Flowin’ through my mind with ease *

Soft as can be *

Well *

When you’re lovin’ me, When you’re lovin’ me *


Love to be *

Ridin’ the waves of your love Enchanted with your touch *

And it seems to me *


We could sail together in and out of mystery *

I wanna be livin’ *

ALFIE: The next morning, and I can’t get last night out of my mind.

Try desperately to focus on something else, anything else.

Anything to get my mind off my best friend’s incredibly hot, best-ass-I’ve-ever-seen-in-my-life girlfriend.

MARLON: Alfie. Alfie.


Shall I pretend I can’t hear him?



Too late. Too late.

Dude, would you slow down?

Hey, Marly, what’s up?


Hey, listen, I gotta talk to you.

You know what? You ain’t going nowhere till you tell me what went down last night.

Down last night?

Dude, don’t mess with me.

What happened with Lonette?

Have you ever heard the word “knock”?

What went down?

What? Nothing. “What happened?”

We had a few shots.

Missus give me silent treatment.

Little she know, not hearing constant “blah, blah, blah” is gift from heaven.

You keep it up.

Keep it up, mate, it’ll work. Alfie, what happened?

Oh, fuck a duck, man. Look, I…

I drank a lot last night.


I… Well, I… I really– I don’t remember.

Dude, you did something to her.


Oh, yeah, you did.

Because she shows up at my house at 4 in the morning, saying that she wanted me back.

She even said that if I needed more time, that she understood completely.

How fucking crazy.

Chalk one up for the blokes.

Thanks to me, Marlon won the game.

Which means he’s off scot-free, and so am I.

This is a bloody miracle. That’s fantastic. Fantastic.

Come on, what did you say to her?

Look, look. It’s all good.

Come on, what did you say?

I asked her to marry me.

You know you’re my best man, right?

ALFIE: Moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.

(mellow rock theme playing)

(all cheer and applaud)

ALFIE: New word for the day?

“Resilience: The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”

Capacity to spring back.

Understand, it’s not about replacing Julie.

I just wanna get back to the simple life: women who mean nothing to me.

So I’ve struck up a friendship with a nightclub hostess called Uta.

Hello, Uta.

(N.E.R.D.’s “Don’t Worry About It” playing)

See, I know I got Those other girls *

But I wanna learn from you *

Now, as a heat-seeking bachelor, I have to live by some very simple rules.

Alfie Elkins’ credo or philosophy, which is probably best summed up by the only advice my father ever gave me.

He said, “Son, whenever you meet a beautiful woman…

“…just remember, somewhere there’s a bloke who’s sick of shagging her.”

Can I help you, man?

G and T, please.

Explain to me what everyone sees in that Eurotrash?

If you don’t wanna Give it up *

Don’t worry about it *

Worry about it *

Don’t worry about it *

Worry about it *

See *

I know I got Those other girls *

But I wanna learn from you *

I think it’s incredibly unfair that it’s acceptable for men to be sexually experimental, then with a woman, if she wants to try something, a kiss or…a three– A threesome, you know, that they’d be judged.

I wouldn’t judge them.

And I think if you two were to kiss, I would– I would just–

I would just see it as a thing of beauty.

Although I’m living every guy’s Rat Pack fantasy, something feels a bit off.

And throwing myself back into the old lifestyle isn’t going quite as smoothly as I’d hoped.


I’m sorry.

You carry on without me.

Oh, my loves, I– I don’t know what happened. This is so unlike me.

Yeah, you– You two just…

I used to think there was nothing worse than death.

Then, from out of nowhere…

…the unthinkable.

Now I really don’t get what everyone sees in you.

It just keeps on happening and happening.

Or more accurately, not happening and not happening.

This never happens, Uta. Honestly, never.


Not the word around town…


Mr. Elkins? Yes.

Miranda Kulp.


The penis doctor is a he with a little bit of she thrown in.

So I understand you’re experiencing some erectile dysfunction.

I am experiencing a little– A little–

A little bit of– What you just said.

Not to worry. That’s my area of expertise.

So have you been under any unusual emotional stress lately, Mr. Elkins?

Stress? Emotional? Me? No.


Well, unless you count that recent chat I had with Julie.

I can’t see you anymore, Alfie.

Why? You angry?

No, I’m really not angry.

Just, you know, we want different things.

And I can’t have you traipsing in and out of Max’s life.

You’ve changed your hair, haven’t you?


You have, haven’t you? No, you have.

You’ve changed your hairdo. You cut it?

It looks gorgeous.

Thanks. How come you…?

How come you never had it like that when we were together?

I really gotta go.

Well, I guess… you need these back.

Thank you.


Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah. No worries. I’m always okay.

DR. KULP: Alrighty, let’s take a gander at that penis of yours.

I see.


Whoa. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hello! Well.

It seems we have liftoff.

It seems we do.


What a relief.

Well, I mean, if he can give me a stiffy, I should have no problem keeping it up for the target demographic, shouldn’t I?

Well, there doesn’t appear to be anything physiologically wrong.


So, in short, we can be fairly certain your problem was simply stress-related.

Translation: Julie-related.

Like I always say, if they don’t get you one way, they’ll get you another.



I did feel something… a little kooky.


There is nothing to get upset about, Mr. Elkins.

I thought I felt… a lump…

…on your penis.

But with any luck, it will be nothing.

The words “lump” and “penis” in the same sentence.

There’s something you don’t hear every day.

ALFIE: And so young Alfred got an early Yuletide gift.

(melancholy rock theme playing)

A penis biopsy.

I get my test results in three days– Well, five.

Five, counting the weekend. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

How am I gonna stop myself going completely bonkers?

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

I’m a young man.


Shift focus, Alfie. Shift–

Let’s go, kids. Let’s go.

Oh! Move along, children. Look straight ahead.

Come on. Do not look at the man. Look straight ahead.

In the meantime, perhaps I’m safer hobbling on home.

(truck horn blares)


Alfie, dear, what’s wrong? You look like death warmed over.

No, I’ve– I’ve got a bit of a football injury, that’s all.

Mrs. Schnitman– Hello, Mrs. Liberman.

You two look lovely. Where you going?

Shopping. You need anything?

I’m fine.


Can I talk to you for a minute?

Ladies, this is my friend Lonette.

She’s lovely. Good for you, dating an African-American.



Hey. Hey, girl.

I missed you.

Don’t mind us. We’re not here. You kids keep talking.

Very nice to meet you.

See you, Mrs. Liberman.

Shop till you drop, girls.


So how have you been?

I’m pregnant.

ALFIE: It seems to me the problems you worry yourself sick about never seem to materialize.

It’s the ones that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that knock you sideways.

I offered to face the music with her but she wanted to go it alone.


(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart’s “The Blind Leading the Blind” playing)

When the chips are down *

And you’re blinded On your feet *

You’re standing up And walking *

But you know You are dead beat *

The sky is busting *

It’s near the break of day *

You’re running low On options *

ALFIE: We both knew that if the baby was born with any white-boy features, it would mean the end of Lonette and Marlon.

Not to mention your host for this evening.

But standing in the cold, I find myself having regrets, thinking thoughts like,

“Here’s another kid you’ll never get a chance to know. Your own.”

Like the blind *

Leading the blind *

Time after time *

Won’t let the love in *

Didn’t take long.

(whispers): Yeah.

Bloody hell, you’re freezing.

How do you feel?


That night in the bar, I thought I was getting something for nothing.

Doesn’t seem to have worked out that way, does it?

(phone ringing)

WOMAN: Good morning, Dr. Kulp’s office.

ALFIE: Oh, man.

If everything turns out okay, maybe this little brush with mortality is a sign.

I should think about making– Making some changes.


Next week.

Excuse me, did I just–? Did you just look at me?

Did I just notice you turn away?

If you know the results to my tests, and they’re telling you–

Mr. Elkins. Please. Please.

Mr. Elkins, for the millionth time, sit down.

Mr. Belson, I have a cancellation on Tuesday at 11:30.

I’m gonna be fine.

Would you like me to slot you in then?

I just feel it.

Thank you. Goodbye.

I’ll just be a minute. Or ten.


It’s all right. Take your time.

I don’t have a choice.

I used to pee. Now I trickle.

I’m Joe. What’s your name?


So how you doing, Alfie?

Hanging in. (laughs)

You? Shitty.


Yeah, me too.

Me too.

I like the bolo tie.

Oh, thanks. I have a collection.

You know, when you’re old, you learn to be patient.

Yeah. Used to be I never had time for nothing.

Go, go, go.

I know that feeling. Yeah.

My wife was always hawking me to take a little vacation: Hawaii, Reno…

I always said, “Next year, Evie, next year. I got too much on my platter.”

I always thought I’d have more time.

Then one Sunday night, she takes the pot roast out of the oven, yells, “Soup’s on,” and slumps to the kitchen floor.

Just like that.

Dead as disco.

Jesus, I’m sorry.

I tried picking up the pieces, even went to Waikiki alone on the 8-day cruise package she was always yakking about.

Couldn’t get Evie out of my mind.


There’s two things I learned in life, kid:

You find someone to love, and live every day as though it were your last.

She’s all yours, Alfie.


(water trickling)

You all right, son?


I hope so.

Look, if you ever get bored or feel like schmoozing… give me a holler.

You’ll never call.

Maybe I will.

All right, good.

We’ll go to a bar together, hit on some chicks.

Damn right. Thanks, Joe.


I’m sorry about Evie.

We…we weren’t all that fond of each other.

But we were…very close.

If you know what I mean.

I think I do.

(somber theme playing)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about God and death, and how, if what they taught me in Bible class is true,

I’m really in for it.

But I won’t be partying with Lucifer any time soon, because my test results were negative.

I’m gonna live!

I’m gonna live!

(upbeat theme playing)

I ruined my Prada lace-ups and I don’t care.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten my oath to completely change my life, because I haven’t.

(upbeat Christmas theme playing)

Carrot-apple with a dash of wheat grass.


Health is now priority number one.

Business plan moves onto the fast track.

WOMAN: If you say so.

Tonight’s preview at St. Ambrose–


No, I definitely don’t want to talk.

Okay, hold on, what else have I got?

Okay, uh-huh, yeah.

All right, if we must, we must, but–

New slate. New beginning.


What’s your name, driver? Alfie, sir.

Wait here, Alfie.

Do you know how long you’re gonna be, roughly?

You got someplace to go?

I was just gonna nip off and get a cup of tea.

Look, why don’t you just stay put?



Yea or nay?

A definite yea, I think. Really.

Stunning. Wouldn’t you say so, sir?

I’m sorry, didn’t I ask you to wait by the car?

I reckoned I should help the lady with her packages.

Definite yea?

I think.

With one minor…

May I?

You may.



Another lifetime. Don’t ask.

(whispers): Wow!

Fifty, if she’s a day.

But don’t they say 50 is the new 40, and is she not living proof?

I mean, have a look. Beautifully preserved.

And a cleavage like the Holland Tunnel.

Better? Much.

ALFIE: You are so right to trust Chanel.

A pair of hot-pink stilettos and you’re good to go.

LIZ: Well, aren’t you Mr. Full Service?

ALFIE: We try.

ALFIE: He’s getting a little pissy, isn’t he?

Oh, it’s fine. It’s good for him.

Is your husband a lot older than you?

He’s not my husband.

He’s wearing a wedding ring.

Well, I never said he wasn’t somebody else’s husband.

Grab the stuff from the trunk?

You got it. Cheers.

Ma’am, if you require my services in the future…

Happy Christmas, sir. Ma’am.

ALFIE: Now that, my friends, is a real woman.

Smart and sexy and…

You noticed the little flirt going on between us, huh?

Makes me think, if a woman like that, of that caliber should take notice of a bloke like me, then, perhaps–

Perhaps I’m selling myself a bit short.

ALFIE: In a flash, I have my New Year’s resolution.

Aim higher.

Catastrophic. Doomed.

Desolate. Cataclysmic.

Bought him a word-of-the-day calendar for Christmas.

Big mistake.

Holiday season, busiest time of the year.

I try to run a business.

What’s the problem, Mr. Wing?

Your soul brother.

He quit.

ALFIE: In the letter Marlon left me, he called me his best friend but apologized for bailing on our business scheme.

He said his whole thing now was to make Lonette happy.

They decided, on the spur of the moment, to move upstate, and I had a standing invite to drop by any time.

Somehow Lonette convinced Marlon it would be too painful to say our goodbyes in person.

And to make matters worse, it all dovetails into the second loneliest night of the year: Christmas Eve.

(Mick Jagger & Joss Stone’s “Lonely Without You” playing)

I’m gonna be lonely without you *

ALFIE: A night that brings on all those familiar festive feelings of hopelessness, anguish, despair.

Not a great time to be flying solo.

That’s why I’m of the belief couples should never split up between Thanksgiving and January 2nd.

Always have a relationship to see you through the holidays.


The downside, of course, being gifts.

A lonely, lonely Christmas *

Without you *

Personally, I’ve always suspected that everyone else is having a far merrier Christmas than I am.

Not that I’ve ever actually had a Christmas.

That’s a whole other Dickens story.

MAN: Taxi!


Excuse me.

I’m sorry, mate, it’s against the law to carry more than–

What’s coming, what’s coming *

What’s coming round *

What’s coming round *

ALFIE: Thank the Lord.

A Christmas miracle.

All right, hop in.

Thanks for saving us.

I was freezing my little tush off.

No worries. You know, it’s pretty full back there.

Why don’t you–?

Good idea.

Why don’t I?

Hey, watch the champagne.

All in.

Merry Christmas, St. Nick *

Christmas comes this time Each year *

Fuck off! Ew!


They don’t get out much.

You wanna watch out, you guys.

You’ll end up with a lump of coal in your stocking.

You’re English. Yeah.

I love English.

What’s your name?


You wanna abuse a little substance, Alfie?

No, thanks. I’m trying to quit.

All right.

One hit.

And when Santa hits the gas Man, just watch her peel *

It’s the little St. Nick *

Little St. Nick *

It’s the little St. Nick *

St. Nick *

Wa-ooh! * (laughs)

Merry Christmas, St. Nick *

Christmas comes this time Each year *

(song ends)

(Ann Peebles “I Can’t Stand the Rain” playing)

Just can’t stand *

I can’t stand the rain *

Against my window *


Bringing back sweet memories *

There’s an expression the Yanks use: “Go with the flow.”

So, yeah, I got a dose of the holiday blues.

But when a girl of this mind-blowing caliber invites you to a party, it’s time to get going and start flowing.


Maybe it’s the late hour.

Maybe it’s the heavily spiked eggnog.

I don’t see why–

Maybe it was simply a mutual desperate desire to have ourselves a merry little Christmas.

Whatever the reason, hooking up has never gone more swimmingly, and I find myself saying something highly out of character: I’m renovating my apartment on the Upper West Side.

But, say, you could…

…crash at my sublet, if you want.

See you through the holidays.

That sounds inviting.

Moonlight is shining *

Snow is falling down *

ALFIE: And so it came to pass, that after all those years, little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas.

(band playing “In the Cool, Cool, Cool of the Evening”)

In the cool, cool, cool Of the evening *

Tell them I’ll be there *

ALFIE: The 12 days of Christmas were flying by at a surrealistic pace.

Yeah, it’s been quite the ride.

(bright rock theme playing)

The package was irresistible.

A showstopper with a new-school brand of sexiness.

Who wouldn’t get off on the way she makes heads turn?

Plus, we have so much in common.

She’s sweet…

NIKKI: Adore you.

…fun, original, exciting, full of surprises.

Oh, and did I mention, she makes a cracking good bed.

I began to wonder, could this be the one…

(crowd chanting): Nine…eight…seven…six…

ALFIE:… who finally holds my attention?

CROWD:… three, two, one!

NIKKI: Happy New Year!


(music stops)

(slurring): Happy New Year!


ALFIE: In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call…


…”the uh-oh moment.”

When a certain little something happens, and you know you’ve just witnessed the beginning of the end.

And suddenly you stop and you think, “Uh-oh, iceberg ahead.”

With Nikki, that was the first of many “uh-oh” moments.

It began with petty arguments.

(Nikki screams)

Followed by random bouts of melancholia.

Major highs and manic lows.

This girl never knows when she’s had one too many.

And there had been constant displays of erratic, reckless behavior.

And thank you, no. No, I did not have insurance.

But whenever I begin to feel there’s little reason to go on, I’m reminded that we still have one very major thing in common.

If only she didn’t insist on smoking before, after… and during.

What time are you gonna be home, honey?

Hear that?

“What time are you gonna be home, honey?”

That’s dangerously close to wife-speak to me.

Because I’m making something really special for din-din.

(whispers): Din-din?

I’ll call later.

Listen, are you sure you don’t think that color’s a little bit intense?

I think you’re a little bit intense.

Careful, because you’ve got paint all over your hands.

I mean…

Plus, you’re wearing my favorite shirt to paint the house in, Nik.

Don’t– (groans)

Sorry, baby.

I gotta run.

No, I’ve gotta run.

I bet that I can make it worth your while to stay.

I’m sure you can. But you know what?

I’ve got that meeting, haven’t I?

(whispers): Yeah.

You know you’re in trouble when a sight like that can’t keep you planted.

When I was a boy at St. Alban’s Secondary School, the school took us on this cultural trip to observe art at one of the, um–

One of those big famous London museums.

Anyway, when I was there, I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble.

Aphrodi– Aphrodiddy, something like that.

Beautiful, she was.

Perfect female form.

Chiseled features.


I stood in awe of her.

Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I’m walking past it, and on the way I notice in the side of this Greek goddess, all these cracks, chips, imperfections.

Ruined her for me.

Well, that’s Nikki.

A beautiful sculpture, damaged in a way you don’t notice till you get too close.

I lost the signal for a second there.

But I don’t know.

It’s just a lot of personal stuff going on.

You know what I mean?

Oh, I know.

Welcome, Mr. Elkins. Good to see you, Elvis.

I hope you don’t mind me rambling on like this, do you?

Enjoy your evening, sir. Thank you.

Mm. As you can see, the lad’s moving up in the world.


It’s just that I’ve got this friend who’s, let’s say, outstayed his welcome.


Mmm. Absolutely right.

It’s a lot tougher getting them out than getting them in.

I like that.

You’ll never guess who I’m dropping in on now.

I wouldn’t have believed it myself a couple of weeks ago.

LIZ: Why don’t you just try being honest, and tell your friend that the hotel is under new management and that they have to vacate the premises.

You know what I mean.

That kimono does wonders for your décolletage.

Big word.

Big décolletage.



Why don’t we have a drink and you can tell me the rest of your troubles.

Instead of me listening to hers. That’s a change.

You know, for someone so very young, you’re terribly wise.

Secret admirer?

One of many.

You would never think of bringing a girl flowers, would you, Alfie?

It would only encourage them.

I’m gonna make us that drink.

What’s your poison, sweetheart?

I’ll have a spot of whiskey, please.

Midleton Rare, if you’ve got it.

I like dropping a fancy brand name in now and again, let her know she ain’t the only one been around.

Why not make this an absinthe afternoon?


No idea what she’s talking about.

You’ve had absinthe?

Not recently, no.

Remind me, what is it again?

The Green Fairy.

The French impressionists’ liquid drug of choice.

And I got you some of those little egg thingies you like so much.


Mmm! Mmm!

(“The Beat Goes On” by The Buddy Rich Big Band playing)

I mention I like something once, next thing I know, I get it on a silver platter.


La-di-da-di-da *

Charleston was once the rage Uh-huh *

Perfect, huh?

Kind of pad I plan to own myself one day.

Understated elegance with just a touch of the trendy.

She’s a regular fashionista.

You don’t have to tell this one which slingbacks go with which frock.

Owns her own cosmetics company.

Empire, actually.

Started out doing facials in a fancy salon.

Took a handful of mud, mixed it with a dash of papaya, put it on the market, and bingo:

All this.

LIZ: This stuff is so illegal.

I smuggled a whole batch of it back from Prague in Listerine bottles.

Grocery store’s the super mart Uh-huh *

Oh, I checked out your business plan.


I’m impressed.

You seem surprised. Not at all.

Because underneath all that bravado beats the heart of a guy who’s a lot smarter than he thinks he is, but not nearly as cocky as he’d like everybody else to believe.

Drums keep pounding a rhythm To the brain *

(Alfie laughs nervously)

What are we–?

What exactly are we basing this on?

This insight into my personality?

That it takes one to know one.


I was just wondering if there’s a clever little tattoo artist out there who could change “Pablo” into “Alfie.”

Here’s to clever little tattoo artists.



It made me feel all warm going down.

Mmm. That’s my job.

(whispers): You know what they say.

(whispers): What do they say?

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Oh, great.

(whispers): Check this out.


Have a look at the size of this tub.

She’s had two husbands, both croaked, and I have a feeling this was the scene of the crime.

Come on, baby, let’s get wet.

If she keeps this up, we’re gonna be updating that tattoo of hers a lot sooner than she thinks.

(distant applause, cheering)

ALFIE: Remember how little Alfred finally got what he wanted for Christmas?

Be careful what you wish for.

(syrupy orchestral music playing on TV)

MAN: Play something else.


Dozed off?


I tried waiting up for you.

Your meeting ran late, huh? Very. I’m knackered.

And wet.


…I do want us to have a little chat, Nikki.



Why don’t we talk over a midnight snack.

I made roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

That was your favorite as a young lad, right?

And check the place out, if you please.

Your little girl worked her fanny off.

I noticed. It looks brilliant.

Really smashing.

So, Nik–

Alfie, I’ve been thinking.

Will you look at these cute little potatoes?


I know I have been a real handful lately.

I don’t know,

I think it has to do a lot with me feeling displaced…

…and not totally trusting.

Sweetie, cutting to the chase.

I am gonna do better.

I promise.

I am gonna take my medication religiously from now on.

And everything, everything, is gonna be easy and breezy.

Sound good? Honey?

So come, come and sit.

A feast awaits.

I already ate, Nik.

Of course.

No worries, we’ll have leftovers.

I can whip up a little corned beef hash for brunch.

What’s the matter, Alfie?

Nothing. I just…

I’ve got a lot on my mind and…

I’m feeling a bit–


Cold? Distant? Remote? What?

Oh, Nik, this is a complete drag.

Everything happened so quickly.

I’m not the best at this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

I… don’t know exactly how to say it.

Sure you do, Alfie.

You’ve had plenty of experience dumping girls.

Don’t worry.

I’m already gone.

(tender theme playing)

ALFIE: Strange.

But even when you know it has to end… when it finally does… you always get that inevitable twinge: Have I done the right thing?

I must admit… I do miss the companionship.


Nikki was a showstopper.

But as me ugly old Aunt Gladys used to say… “Looks aren’t everything.”

I used to think that was a load of bollocks, but just lately I’ve been thinking… maybe the old bat had something.



Alfie, hi.

What a surprise.

God, I haven’t seen you since… Uh-huh. Yeah.

You look– You look amazing.

Thanks. You too. You look good too.

I’m getting over a cold.


But you’re okay otherwise? I’m fine.

I’m always fine. Yeah.

It’s good to see you.

And you.

Hey, you know, I was…

I’m sorry about what happened between us.

And I’m sorry how it all ended up. It wasn’t–

It wasn’t good.

I felt bad about not seeing Max and about not seeing you.

It’s water under the bridge.


You know… I’m wondering…

Maybe we…

You know I can never promise anything.

But if you want, if you like, maybe we could see each other again.

It would be okay by me.

It would be more than okay, it would be great.

Alfie, I–


This is Adam.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, how you doing, Adam?

Pretty good.

Adam. Yeah.

It was great running into you.

You look fantastic.


What time is it? I’ve gotta go.

I’m late for a meeting. Nice to meet you, Adam.

(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart’s “Let’s Make It Up” playing)

In your attitude And the way you move *

If you won’t change your mind *


How’s Max?

Oh, really good.

Will you say hi?


Or not.

Be well.

Just you wait and see Yeah *

Let’s make it up Let’s make it up now *

Let’s make it up Let’s make it up now *

Let’s make it up Let’s make sweet love now *

Or we’ll be sorry *

For the rest of our lives *

It’s just a little meditation *

On the future And on the past *

‘Cause you’ve always been My inspiration *




Mrs. Wing, is everything–?


(The Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody” playing)

Why are you crying?

I’m not crying. Get out.

You sure?

I’m fine. Get out, Alfie.

I’m sorry. I just wanted to see if I could borrow a car.

She leave me.


Blossom leave me.


Is that your wife’s name, Blossom?

What I do wrong, Alfie? Love her?

Look, mate. Come on, you can win her back.

Woo her. Send flowers and chocolates.

Write a poem.

That what you do?

Well, actually, no, I’ve never done that, but it may be a way to go.

What rhyme with Blossom?

I would try “awesome.”


(sweet theme playing)

LONETTE: You never cease to amaze.


Great to see you too, Lon.

I guess I should have rung.

Hey, Sam.

Well, that would have been a plan.

Well, you know, I’m sorry, it was just…

It’s nice.

Look, Lonette…

This is so uncomfortable, I know. Because–

You don’t have to whisper. Marlon’s not here.

ALFIE: I really miss you both.

And I just wondered, maybe…

Maybe me and you could put it all behind us, pretend like it never happened, and then move forward, you know?

I just–

(baby crying)

You know, Alfie…

…dropping by wasn’t a good idea.

You two didn’t have a baby.

You did have a baby.

No, you were right the first time.

ALFIE: Thinking back to that day at the clinic, I remember trying to look in Lon’s eyes to see if I could even begin to understand what she was going through, and how she wouldn’t look at me.

And I think I knew then.

I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

So classically…

…I said nothing.

I knew there was a good chance the baby…

…could be Marlon’s.

At least, I hoped.

This is a lot…

…for me to, um…

(quietly): I…

(tender theme playing)



Marlon stayed.

For now.

Is there anything I can do?

What are you gonna do, Alfie?

(melancholy theme playing)


(vehicle approaching)

(vehicle stops)


You know, I never… I never meant–

You never mean to hurt anybody.

But you do, Alfie.

(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart’s “Blind Leading the Blind” playing)

You are the sharpest knife *

You are the finest blade *

You are the shining sun *

Everybody in your shade *

So funny to you *

Drippin’ honey From your tongue *

But you’d never know What’s waiting for you *

When your day is done *

There is a sadness *

Burning in your bones *

A twisting track now *

You are forced to go *

You need the hand Of friendship *

To steady up your heart *

So hang onto me closely *

And I’ll show you Down to the bends *

Like the blind *

Leading the blind *

Asking me why *

You won’t let the love in *

Oh *

Like the blind *

Leading the blind *

Only to find *

You’re feeling like nothing *

Nothing, yeah *

ALFIE: I felt I needed a friend to talk to.

Problem was, they were suddenly in short supply.

Um, I don’t remember. I don’t remember being in the car.

I just– I just– I was stopped.

And I’m crying.

Crying for the little one? I don’t know exactly.

Maybe for him.

Mostly, I think, for me.

And Marlon.

I never had anybody look at me quite like that before.

And believe me, I’ve had some– Some looks that could kill.

He stood by Lonette. I could’ve never, ever–

You don’t know what you’ll do till you really love someone.


Well, now what?

You gonna shoehorn yourself into the situation?


You did the only thing you could do.

You behaved like a gentleman.

I’ve never been accused of that before.

Don’t get all choked up.

You also behaved like a scheming, backstabbing, so-low-you-can-look-up- a-snake’s-asshole son of a bitch.

Next time, think before unzipping.

It’s all right. You screwed up.

So, what are you gonna do, huh?

Run to the bridge?

The question is… what’s gonna happen with the rest of your life?


(melancholy theme playing)

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit the events of the past few weeks have knocked me for a bit of a loop.

(horn honking)

All right, all right, all right.

Hello, mate.

And what can we do for you this evening?

How much are one of those? Five-fifty.

And you’ll need to put them in water immediately.

Right. I’ll have that.

Second thought.

Actually, this is– This is sort of a special thing.

And what’s the occasion?

Say again?


No. No, no.

Well, I do want to extend an offer to maybe have a go at it for a bit, give us a spin, that kind of thing.

I get it. Commitment issues.

Tell me what she, or he, is like, and we’ll find the appropriate bloom.

Well, she is…

You know what, she’s…adventurous.



And very, uh, sexy.

I’m thinking Dolce Vita.

A little mischievous.

You know, cheeky?


With a touch of mio amore.

And then, under it all, she’s– She’s just–

She’s just kind of…sweet.

(brassy theme playing)


LIZ: Hello?

It’s me, my love.

Hey! Hey.

I didn’t expect to see you tonight.

I thought you were working.

I had a cancellation. Oh.

So I took the night off.

Listen, I thought we should get up early, get out of the city, go to the country and see if we can stay at that B & B you’re always on about.

Oh, honey, I’d love to, but I can’t.

I have an investors’ breakfast in the morning.

But how about on the weekend? Brilliant.

Yep? Better.

All right. I thought you may–

(gasps) (laughs)

Oh, my God.

No. Alfie. Mm.

Oh, what a sweet gesture.



They’re not out of some plastic bucket, all right?

No. I handpicked, like, every bud.

I can see that.

And apparently, I have a bit of a flair for flower arranging.

I’m impressed. Really, I– I mean, wow! Talk about being blown away. I–

Good. Mission accomplished.

I like surprising you.

Well, you certainly have done that.

All right, then.

Well, you’re up early, so I’m off.

Okay. Well, I’m gonna see you tomorrow night?


When we– When we speak, there’s some things–

Or something I really wanna talk to you about.

What, honey?

I’m gonna wait for the exact perfect moment, and… that’s all I’ll say.


I’ll ring you in the morning.

Oh, and, Alfie, thank you for the flowers, really.

They made my evening.


In that case… maybe I’ll stay.

(whispers): I don’t–

No, it’s not a good idea.

There’s a guy in there, isn’t there?



Don’t do this.

What’s he got?

Better than me?

Alfie, please.

Tell me. Please?

Really, I would like to know. What’s he got? Tell me.

I want to know what he’s got.

Please tell me.

Come on. Come on. Come on, just tell me.

Just tell me. Come on.

(yells): What’s he got better than me?

He’s younger than you.

(melancholy theme playing)

ALFIE: “He’s younger than you.”

I’ve gotta admit, I didn’t see it coming.


She caught me off-guard, all right.

You couldn’t tell, though, could you?

As you’ve learned by now, I’m rather skilled at hiding my feelings.

You see, the thing with feelings is they have this quiet way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.

You know what I mean?


Like with Liz.

Who would’ve thought, of all the women I’ve known… the one I let my guard down with delivers the knockout punch.


Calendar word.


Hi. Hello, Alfie.

I haven’t seen you in ages.

Maybe because you stopped calling.

I know.

Things were getting a bit too–

Don’t bother explaining. I’m way past needing excuses.

All right. No, you know what? I want to explain.

What? You had your fill of me?

Someone cuter came along? I don’t need to hear it, Alfie.

Look, Dorie– Really.

Look, Dorie…

What happens with me is–

I don’t know, I get–

When it gets too–

Not close but something like that,

I start to feel–

Not stifled, not trapped, but something like that.

And I– And…

You know? You know what I mean?

Did that make–?

Did that make any sense?

I think it has to make sense to you more than me at this point.

Yeah, fair enough.

I need to go. He’ll be waiting for me.


I’m sorry.

Good luck, Alfie.

I warned them all from the beginning.

I always said something along the lines of, “I must advise you, I am stamped with an invisible warning. Will not commit. Will never marry.”

Despite my best efforts, I’m beginning to feel some small cracks in my faux finish.

You know, when I look back on my little life, and all the women I’ve known… I can’t help but think about… all that they’ve done for me… and how little I’ve done for them.

How they looked after me, cared for me, and I repaid them by never returning the favor.


I used to think I had the best end of the deal.

What have I got?


Some money in my pocket.

Some nice threads.

Fancy car at my disposal.

And I’m single.


Unattached. Free as a bird.

I don’t depend on nobody.

Nobody depends on me.

My life’s my own.

But I don’t have peace of mind.

And if you don’t have that, you’ve got nothing.


So, what’s the answer?

That’s what I keep asking myself.

What’s it all about?

You know what I mean?

(Mick Jagger & Dave Stewart’s “Old Habits Die Hard” playing)

Old habits die hard *

Old soldiers Just fade away *

Old habits die hard *

Hard enough To feel the pain *

I thought I shook myself free *

You see, I bounce back Quicker than most *

But I’m half-delirious *

It’s too mysterious *

You walk through my walls Like a ghost *

And I take every day At a time *

I’m proud as a lion In its lair *

Now there’s no denying it *

And no decrying it *

You’re all tangled up In my hair *

Old habits die hard *

Old soldiers Just fade away *

Old habits die hard *

Harder than November rain *

Old habits die hard *

Old soldiers *

Just fade away *

Old habits die hard *

Hard enough to feel the pain *

We haven’t spoken in months *

You see, I’ve been Counting the days *

I dream of such inanities *

Such insanities *

I’m lost like a kid in a maze *

But I’ve never taken Your calls *

You see, I put the block On my phone *

I act like an addict *

I’ve just got to have it *

I never can leave it alone *

Yeah *

Old habits die hard *

Old soldiers Just fade away *

Old habits die hard *

Hard enough To feel the pain *

Old habits die hard *

Old soldiers Just fade away *

(Joss Stone’s “Alfie” playing)

Oooh, oooh, oooh *

Oh, yeah *

What’s it all about, Alfie? *

Is it just *

For the moment we live? *

What’s it all about *

When you sort it out, Alfie? *

Are we meant to take more *

Than we give *

Or are we meant to be kind? *

And if only fools Are kind, Alfie *

Then I guess It is wise to be cruel *

And if life belongs Only to the strong, Alfie *

What will you lend On an old golden rule? *

As sure as I believe *

There’s a heaven above, Alfie *

I know there’s something Much more *

Something even non-believers *

Can believe in *

I believe in love, Alfie *

Without true love We just exist, Alfie *

Until you find the love You’ve missed *

You’re nothing, Alfie *

Oooh, oh, oh, Alfie *

When you walk *

Let your heart lead the way *

And you’ll find love any day *

What’s it all about? *

(smooth jazz theme playing)


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