WANDA SYKES: I’MA BE ME (2009) – Full Transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Ms. Wanda Sykes! ♪ ♪ I’ma be me ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ ♪ I’ma be me ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ ♪ I’ma be me ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ ♪ I’ma be me ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ ♪ Thinkin’ about the changes in my life ♪ ♪ thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you so much, D.C. Thank you, D.C. Oh, my goodness, so happy to be here. Be back in D.C. You know, the last time I was here… I caused a little trouble. President laughed, and he got in trouble. What the problem is, they don’t know that I was holding back. Not tonight, baby. Not tonight. Uh-uh, tonight… Tonight I’m gonna say some shit. I’m going for one of those beer summits. That’s what I’m doing. We love you! I love y’all too, baby. Love y’all too. I’m telling you, it’s so good–

Sister be in D.C. when the first black president— Come on. What? First black president. But I got to tell you, it’s a little bittersweet. It is. First black president, and the country is broke. What the fuck? That’s fucked up. It’s like everybody went, “mm, we broke. “Let’s give that black guy a shot. “He can’t hurt anything. What…” The fuck? Plus, you know black people, they know about being broke. Maybe he could use some of his trickery and get us out of this fix. You know, maybe put the country in his cousin’s name and hide our shit. We all get free cable. Maybe he can get another country to move in and split the bills. Jeez. That’s messed up, man. You know what, I got to tell you. I don’t care why we have a first black president. I’m just happy to have one. I am. And, boy, we got one cool black president, don’t we? Damn, he’s cool. I don’t know how the man keeps his cool. All the shit that gets thrown at him, people just fucking with him all the time. The birthers calling him a racist, comparing him to Hitler. What the hell? How does he stay so cool? Is he still smoking weed? “Hey, Nazi.” “No, that’s okay, that’s okay, that’s okay.” I love it. Every time you see him walk into that helicopter, I love seeing him take that stroll across the white house lawn, boy. It’s just beautiful. You see him, he just walking across the lawn. He didn’t do that shit during the campaign, did he? Naw, he was stiff as a motherfucker during the campaign. It’s like he was counting that shit out in his head. He was like, “okay, one, two, wave, smile. “One, two, wave, smile. “Whatever you do, do not touch your penis. “Do not… “You touch your dick, it’s all over. “Do not touch your dick. “Stop looking at Michelle’s ass. “Oh, jeez, okay. “You don’t have a dick. Don’t, don’t…” First black president.

I’m so happy ’cause now I can relax a little bit. You know, I can loosen up. Don’t have to be so black all the time. Don’t have to be so dignified. You know, ’cause we did it. Black folks, we always got to be dignified. Yeah, ’cause we know if we fuck up, we just set everybody else back a couple of years, right? Boy, we should have killed flavor flav, like, ten years ago. We would have… He has been holding us back. But we did it. Now I can relax a little bit. I can do some shit. I can–i can– I can dance on camera. I couldn’t dance on camera before. When I was growing up, my mother, she wouldn’t even let us dance in the car. You know, we sitting in the car, a good song come on the radio, we… ¶ Mm mmm mm mm ¶ mm mm mm my mother’s like, she would stop the car. “Uh, do you want to dance or do you want to ride? “‘Cause you ain’t dancing in my car. White people are looking at you.” We’re like, “huh?” “White people are looking at you.” I’m like, “what– Oh, damn.” She was right. So I had that shit in my head, couldn’t do that. Couldn’t dance, couldn’t dance on camera. But now, shit, I can dance. We got a black president. Not only can I dance, I can tap dance. You know what dignified black people hate? Tap dancing. Hate that shit. Like, “look at that damn bojangles just setting us back. How we gonna get ahead she up there looking like bojangles?” Now I can dance. I can do some other shit. I can buy whole watermelons now. I no longer have to grow them in my closet under my weed lamp. Before I would go in a grocery store and I would look at the whole watermelons. I was like, “damn, they look good. “Boy, I would like to get a whole watermelon. “Look at all these white people looking at me. “Fuck you, whitey. “I ain’t buying a whole watermelon for your enjoyment. “I’m gonna go over here to the salad bar. “Take my dignified to the salad bar “and get the sliced watermelon. “Let me camouflage this shit with some cantaloupe. Good day, sir.” Now I got a black president. You should see me. I walking out the grocery store with the watermelon on my shoulder. “Yeah. Obama, bitch.” Shit. I hope he gets a second term. Then I’m going to popeyes. You’ll see me in the popeyes drive-through dancing and eating watermelon.

We got to make some adjustments, man. You know, got to get used to having a black first lady. Got to get used to that, right? That’s why we had all those articles, you know, when he first got in office, like, “who is the real Michelle Obama?” “When will we see the real Michelle Obama?” You know what they’re saying. “When are we gonna see this?” “No, you need to take care of your baby. You need to take care of your baby.” Well, you’re not gonna see that from Michelle Obama. And we all don’t do that. And I happen to know for a fact that during the campaign, she had rods implanted in her neck so she is incapable of doing that. You see sometimes she wants to, but she can’t. She got… It’s like everybody just waiting for one of those rods to snap and for her to get pissed one night and throw all his shit out on the white house lawn. “Fuck you, Barack. “You ain’t shit. You ain’t shit.” Michelle’s mother comes to the door. “Baby, please, Michelle, “you gonna get that boy impeached. “Please, baby. “Get in the house. Get in the house. White people are looking at you.”

We got to get used to having a beautiful first lady too. First lady… First lady who likes to show some skin. I like that. Giving her some shit ’cause she went sleeveless. All right, the country is broke. Sleeves cost money, all right? Giving her shit ’cause she was wearing shorts. I like that. She should show her skin. She has beautiful skin. She has beautiful arms. Show those arms off. Right, now, some of the previous first ladies, yeah, they needed sleeves. Barbara bush should have been in a poncho her whole time. All that flapping around. Nobody wanted to see that. I’m like, at least tattoo the flag on there or something. I love that. Show your arms off, Michelle. That’s right. You got nice arms. And, plus, you let all those other little floozy girls out there, let all them little interns and shit, no, let them know, “all right, you can try some shit with my man if you want to, “but you gonna get one of these babies around your scrawny neck.” What I don’t even have– I don’t even think we have to worry about anything going on or anybody messing with him, where they’re messing around, ’cause, you know, I met them at that dinner, and you could feel the energy between them. Let me tell you, they fucking. Oh, yeah. There’s some fucking going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. They should put a sign out on the white house lawn. “If the white house is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.” There’s some good hot sex going on there. I mean, we talking ass slapping, ear pulling. “Oh, you want my stimulus package? Huh?” Pfff! “You want my stimulus package? Huh?” Pfff! “You want my stimulus package?”

I know I keep saying the first black president, and, yes, I know that he’s biracial, but I don’t care. He’s the first black president. Well… That’s unless he fucks up. And if he fucks up, I’m gonna be the first one to say, “who voted for the half white guy? “Get that mulatto out of there. He stinks.” And there’s a lot of areas where he can fuck up ’cause, good lord, the man got problems all over the place, huh? All kind of problems. And then people were fucking with him for stuff that, you know– Just, like, shit that they shouldn’t even bother him with. You know, like criticizing him about their choice of dog, what kind of dog are they gonna get. And then, you know, spca got on him about, “oh, how come he didn’t get a shelter dog? “How come the president didn’t get a rescue dog? He should have gotten a rescue dog.” I’m like, “the man has to rescue a country that’s been abused by its previous owner.” Honestly. Let him have a fresh start with a dog. Damn. And then–you know, then there were problems, like out of nowhere. Not just your normal problems, you know, like, like, you know, the economy and the two wars that are going on.

No, then he start getting all these extra problems, like swine flu. And pirates? What the fuck? Pirates? Really? Pirates? Where the fuck did pirates come from? I bet you he thought Rahm Emanuel was punking him when he came in there with that shit. “Mr. president, one of our vessels has been taken by pirates.” “That’s a good one, Rahm. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.” Pirates. I was so pissed when I saw that. I’m like, “pirates?” And then when I looked, then I was like, “these aren’t pirates. “Them motherfuckers don’t look like pirates. They look like a bunch of carjackers on water.” Why are we fucking with these little kids? It was like, “oh, well, they had machine guns.” What? Have you seen how big these cargo ships are? They’re enormous. They had machine guns. Well, only way a gun can hurt you when you on that ship is if you stick your stupid head off the side and look down at the pirates. And who are these shitty ass captains allowing these little kids to take their big ass boat? That’s a shitty captain. If I’m the captain, they say, “uh, captain, there’s some pirates, uh… “Yeah, there’s some pirates down there. “Oh, yeah, I just caught a bullet, look. See? Yeah, pirates are down there.” You the captain. All you got to do is take that wheel and do one of these. “Oh, yeah, they’re gone. They’re gone.” Fucking pirates. I was so pissed. You know, and the one that we caught, we should make an example out of him. Yeah, they should chop his leg off and stick a broom handle up there, put a hook on his hand, stick a parrot on his shoulder, slap an eye patch on him, and kick his ass back to Somalia. That’s a fucking pirate.

We’re a nation of dummies. We are. Don’t want to learn new shit. Our education system stinks. We really do need to revamp our education system. It doesn’t work. It does not work. That’s why we have shows, “are you smarter than a fifth-grader?” You know how piss poor that is? And I haven’t seen anybody win. People sitting at home, playing along. “Ooh, I think I know this one.” You’re supposed to. You’re 32, you dumb motherfucker. We need to just revamp our education system. ‘Cause you know what, we don’t learn anything. It’s never compre–you know, it’s not comprehension. It’s just retention. It’s just rote. That’s it. We never get it. We just keep it long enough to spit it back out, pass the test, then we get rid of that shit, right? It’s like the teacher gives you something, you go, “okay, okay, I got that. “Time for the test? Okay, here you go. Giving it back to you.” Done with that, it’s like our brain is a big etch a sketch. We go… “Okay. Next subject.”

Immigration— There’s another problem. That’s another problem on the president’s desk, right? Another problem, immigration. You know, it really pisses me off when people, like, call them illegal immigrants. “Oh, these illegal immigrants.” You know, there’s nothing illegal. They’re just undocumented workers, that’s it. You know, it’s nothing like– Anything, like, criminal. I mean, really. If somebody broke into my house and vacuumed… I mean, I might be a little confused, but I ain’t calling the cops. But some people get so arrogant, boy, get so arrogant and so hard on– You know, on the undocumented workers, get so hard on people who weren’t born here. You know, I’m like, get people– They just want to come here for a better life. Give them a fair shake. You know, and, plus… And, plus, there’s a few Americans I would love to trade out for a couple of undocumented workers. Shit, I’ll take two Guatemalans, a Mexican, and a boatload of Haitians for octomom any day. She’s got to go.

Change is hard. It’s hard to make changes. Hard to make changes. Look at how hard it was for us to get a first latina judge, huh? Yeah, justice… Justice Sonia Sotomayor. So happy she got on the bench. Look, they gave her so much shit, you know? Isn’t funny that the only time your race or gender is questioned is when you’re not a white man? See, I think white men, they get upset, they get nervous. Like, a minority or another race gets a little power, it makes them nervous, ’cause they scared that that race is gonna do to them what they did to that race. They get nervous. So they start screaming, “reverse racism, this is reverse racism.” I’m like, wait a minute, isn’t reverse racism– Isn’t that when a racist is nice to somebody else? Isn’t that–to other people? That’s reverse racism. What you’re afraid of is called Karma. Yeah. I’m so happy she’s on the bench. I’m so happy she’s on the bench. You know, good for her. And all the problems they gave her and talking shit– You know, ’cause, you know, she’s on there now, so once you on the bench, once you’re a justice, you’re always a justice. So if I was her, the first day I would have walked in there wearing a robe made out of the puerto rican flag. “Mira, Mira.” Every time justice John Roberts says something, she should just roll her eyes and go, “pfff, that was dumb.”

A lot of changes, man. I had a lot of personal changes going in my life, a lot of personal changes. I got married. Yep. Got married. Happily married. Got married in California. You know, then I had to publicly come out, had to do that. Had to. I had to do it, especially after prop. 8. After that prop. 8, you know, fiasco in California, I had to come out, I had to say something, ’cause I was so hurt and so fucking pissed. I had to say something, had to say something, man. ‘Cause you know what, it was like that night was crazy. Yay. Oh, prop. 8 passed. Oh, shit, now I’m a second class citizen. What the fuck? I was up here, now I’m back down here. Actually, I’m lower. I dropped lower. You know, ’cause as a black woman, at least as a black woman, I could do whatever, marry whoever. But as a gay black woman, uh-uh. Even lower. You know, and I think about it. I was like, you know what, it is harder. It’s harder. It’s harder being gay than it is being black. It is, ’cause there’s some things that I had– There’s–there’s some things that I had to do as gay that I didn’t have to do as black. I didn’t have to come out black. I didn’t have to sit my parents down and tell them about my blackness. I didn’t have to sit them down. “Mom, dad, I got to tell y’all something. “I hope you still love me. “I’m just gonna say it. “Mom, dad… I’m black.” “What? What did she just say? “Oh, lord Jesus, she didn’t say ‘black, ‘ lord. Did she say ‘black?'” “mom, I’m black.” “Oh, lord, lord Jesus. “Lord, lord, father god. “Oh, bless, bless, lord. “Anything but black, Jesus. “Give her cancer, lord. “Give her cancer. Anything but black, lord.” It’s like, “mom, yeah, I’m black. I’m–that’s just how it is.” “No. “No, you know what? You been hanging around black people.” “You been hanging around black people, “and they got you thinking you black. They twisted your mind.” It’s like, “no, mom, I’m black. That’s just how it is.” “Oh, what– What did I do? “What did I do? “I knew I shouldn’t have let you watch Soul Train. Was it Soul Train?” “No, ma, it wasn’t Soul Train, ma. “It’s just who I am. I was just born black.” “Oh, you weren’t born black. “I don’t want to hear that. “Uh-uh, you weren’t born black. The Bible says “Adam and Eve,” not “Adam and Mary j. Blige.”
I think the problem most people have with homosexuality is, you know, the religion, and also they think it’s a choice. Being gay is not a choice. It’s not a choice. It is not a choice. And so if you believe that it’s a choice, then you’re saying that straight people are straight because they chose not to be gay. Right? And I’m sure a lot of straight guys in here, you know I’m talking about them. Sure, there’s several occasions, you know, you probably think, “you know, I think I’m gonna suck a dick today. Nah, I choose not to.” That’s funny. It’s great being out. I love being publicly out and just everything out on the table. I am what I am. That’s it. Happy about it.

Now I get invited to all the big gay events too. And, boy, there’s a lot of them. Phew. Good grief. But, you know, one I got to do, I had a great time. I did a gay cruise. Yeah, gay cruise. Me and 3,200 gay men. I was the only one wearing a shirt. And you talk about party? Oh, my god, they partied they asses off, non-stop just party, party, party, party. And I can still hear that music in my head, that… ¶ Waaaah what the fuck is that? Are there pirates? Are there pirates? What is that? Party, man. The music, the lights, the laser beams, the smoke machines– And all that was just coming from the cabin next door. We partied hard, man. And also I got some free time, you know, ’cause my shows were at night, so during the day we got to hang out. You know, like, on the pool deck, I could hang out. And, you know, my friends were with me and my wife was with me. We were just hanging out, right? And the– She gets up and she starts walking towards the pool. And I’m looking, I’m like, “hey, baby, baby. Come here. Come here.” And so she walks back, she’s like, “what’s wrong?” I was like, “don’t get in that pool. “Getting in that pool is like swimming “in a bowl of dick soup. “You were out there backstroking in a bowl of ball bouillabaisse. Just…” I said, “you get in that pool, nine months later, we sitting on Maury povich trying to find a baby daddy.” And they asked me to do another one. I was like, “yeah, I’ll do another one. But this time, we gonna have a dress code.” Yeah, ’cause that jock strap look wasn’t working for everybody. They walking around, all the little kibbles and bits hanging out. Oh, and they got real dodgy around the breakfast buffet. I’m just going through the line and they just walking through. “Uh, excuse me. Uh, can–can you get your dick out my omelet, please?” “You don’t feel that? “Your dick is in my omelet, man. “No, I asked for a Denver omelet, “not a man from Denver with his dick in my omelet. No, you keep that. You keep that.”

Big changes, man, big changes. I’m a new mom, a new mom. Yes. Wife had twins, boy and a girl. Yep. Very happy. You know, I know, you know, in the past, I’ve–you know, I’ve said quite a few things about kids and about how they ruin your life and they’re awful. And I was right. I was right. They do ruin your life, but they give a new life. That’s the thing– They give you a new life. And I’m loving it. I’m loving every second of it, loving every second of it. I think I started a little late ’cause, you know, 45, so you know, started, you know, kids, 45. That’s a little late in the game. But it does–you know, it does stick in my mind about the age thing. That’s why I always, like, talk to my kids a lot, just talk to them, you know, and especially the boy, Lucas. I talk to him all the time, especially when I’m changing him, you know? And I’m like, “okay, Lucas, you see, “you see how mommy has the lights nice and low “and not too bright in your eyes, “and that’s your little lullabies playing, “the music you like. “See? Uh-huh. Okay, now, not too tight on your ankles, right? “Okay, let me get them little towelette. “And you see it’s nice and warm. “Yeah. “You like that, right? Okay. “Now, you go from front to back, okay? “Clean to dirty. “Clean to dirty. “Clean to dirty. “Now, look, I want you to remember this “so when you doing this for mama, you do it right. “Okay? Clean to dirty.” The biggest thing about being a new mom is that, you know, with kids, that you’re tired. You’re just tired all the time. I’m always tired. I’m tired now, just tired, right? And I don’t understand how people cheat, you know, especially when they have new kids and they cheat. Where the fuck do you get the energy to cheat? Shit, I told my wife, I said, “look, “if you ever catch me in another woman’s bed, you know, I’m just there for a nap.” I’ll be like, “baby, she had down pillows. I’m sorry.”

The kids are awesome, man. They are. And, you know, it’s fun trying to– You know, when you’re figuring them out because they change every day. There’s always some change, you know? And, like, the boy, Lucas, oh, boy, he is so simple. And, guys, I don’t mean anything derogatory about that, like guys are simple. But Lucas, when he cries, it’s because there’s a reason. When Lucas cries, maybe he’s hungry. Lucas cries, he’s sleepy. Or if Lucas cries, he needs his diaper changed. It’s very simple. You get it. Olivia, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with that girl. She can cry for any damn thing. Like, a leaf falls. “Ah! Ah!” One night she was crying so bad, my wife and I couldn’t figure it out. We just thought of rearranging furniture. “Maybe she wants the sofa over here. “Put–just put the damn sofa over here. “Okay, turn that lamp off. “All right, okay, yeah, open that shade. Do this.” Cries for any fucking thing. “Ah.” “Close the refrigerator. “Olivia’s crying. “Close the refrigerator door. Close the refrigerator door.” Just crying for no reason. Just, “eh, eh.” I was on a night shift, so I had her one night, right? So she would just sit there and she would not stop crying. I mean, I tried everything, and she just was, “eh, eh, “eh, eh, ehhh! “Eh! “Eh. Eh. Ehhh!” “Eh!” After 45 minutes of that shit, I was like, “what is your fucking problem? “Olivia, sweetheart, it’s just baby. “You can’t handle baby? Life is gonna kick your ass.” She would not stop crying. And I said, “Wanda, stop hollering at the baby. Don’t talk to her like that.” And I was like, “Olivia, sweetheart, “mommy is sorry, but look, I don’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t help you, but I can help me.” So I went over and made a drink. I made myself a nice Martini. I was like, “mm-hmm.” She was, “ah.” I was like, “yeah, I know, I know. “But you got to bail out the banks, baby. You just got to do it.” “Eh.” “I don’t know. I think the redskins looking good. I don’t know.” “Eh. Eh.” “Oh, wait, wait, no. “You should see my 401k. Ooh.” “Eh.”

And my wife, she, you know– She’s trying to set some rules around the house, right? Yeah, she said the babies, they’re not allowed to watch TV. The babies are three months old. How the fuck–what the– It’s just colors to them. They can’t–they ain’t watching TV, you know? Well, I’m sitting there one day, I’m feeding Olivia. You know, my wife comes– The TV’s on. She comes through, she picks up the remote control, turns the TV off. “Baby, come on. I go, “what do you mean I can’t watch TV? “The baby not watching TV. “I’m watching TV. Turn off my TV.” “Oh, baby, but TV, it’s not good, it’s not good.” I’m like, “wait a minute. TV paid for the TV.” “I think TV is pretty fucking good. We should have about 50 TVs in this motherfucker.”

My wife is French. You know, she’s French. I like to say she’s French ’cause it sounds nicer than white. But, you know, it’s so funny. Like, as a, you know, interracial couple, it’s funny that the only people that– You know, we haven’t really caught a lot of trouble, but the only group that’s kind of, like, been fucking with us, straight black women. Straight black women, they give us grief. And I’m like, “what the fuck? “You’re straight. What the hell? It’s not like you lost one.” But straight black women, they still, you know, make eyes and give, you know, my wife shit. I’m like, “what are you thinking?” When you’re straight, what are you doing, going, “mm, look at them white girls, “just taking all our good black dykes. “Just can’t keep a good black dye. I tell you.” And also our babies, our babies, they’re white. They’re white, yeah, our little white babies, you know? And, you know, and people ask me, “why didn’t you use a black donor, “you know, so the babies can look like y’all, you know, look like you?” I’m like, “what do you mean, look like us? “The babies ain’t gonna look like us. “We’re two women. We ain’t fooling nobody.” The fuck? I would have slapped the shit out of somebody if they walked up to us and pointed at me and was like, “you must be the daddy.” Get your dumb ass out of here. And, plus, you know, we talked about it. We talked about it, using a black donor. But, you know, I had to really think this thing out. I had to think it out. And I was like, “hmm, I’m ten years older than my wife, “so you know, having a baby, you know, maybe I’d be the first to go.” And then I thought, I said, “what if– What if we have a little girl, a little biracial girl?” I was like, “I can’t leave that girls hair “up to this white lady. I can’t do that to her.” I couldn’t keep– I couldn’t leave my baby’s hair in this white lady’s hands. She’d fuck her hair up. You ever seen them biracial kids, and the white mother just has no idea what to do with the hair, so they hair just all matted up, they never been combed, and lint and car keys and q-tips all in they shit. Just find a black friend. Do some… Take your child to a black beauty parlor. Just fucking drive through the hood and stick her head out the window. Do something. Change. A lot of physical changes are going on. You know, I never think about age, but just think just some changes happening to let you know that the age process is happening. You know, like, just little things. Like, now when I say I have to pee, I mean I have to pee. Before, you know, I used to carry extra panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze. What the hell? Look somebody just peed on their selves right now. Oh, I’m sitting– There’s nothing– You just got to go. And I even asked my doctor about it. I’m like, “look, what is going on?” She said, “well, you need to do more kegel exercises. “You need to exercise your kegel muscles, “do those exercises, you know, squeeze it, you know, tighten up, uh, do that.” I was like, “okay.” I got home, I did about 15 of them and caught a Charlie horse. I was like, “oh.” Sweet Jesus, oh. Ah. It was like somebody had shot me in my twat. I was like, “oh.” And I’m gonna tell you, you can’t put icy hot on that. You can’t. Shit just happens, man. And then I try to work out, you know, try to stay on top of stuff. But once you get across that 40 mark, stuff just starts relaxing and just doing whatever it wants to do. Like this area right here, I just named it. This is Esther. Esther loves cheesecake, loves cheesecake. “Ooh, I want some cheesecake.” Loves cheesecake now. I’m on my way home, we go past a cheesecake factory. Esther takes the wheel. “Oh, give me some cheese.” “Hey, Esther, let go of the wheel, Esther.” “I want some cheesecake.” “Shit. Gonna kill us, Esther.” And I try to make deals with her. You know, I’m like, “hey, look, Esther, “whenever I got to be on camera, I’m on TV,” right, I said, “I got to put you on the spanks. I got to get you into spanks.” Oh, she hates the spanks. Can’t stand the spanks. You guys, all those guys out there know what the spanks are? They’re, like, really, really tight pantyhose. They’re short and they come all the way up here. But they suck everything in. I got one on right now. They suck everything in. Yeah, I’m on TV. Shit, yeah, Esther’s in the spanks. Fuck yeah. Fuck. So I got to get Esther into spanks. But guys, they’re real tight. They’re real– You know, real– Okay, here– Have y’all ever, like, been out with a girl and you dancing with her and you doing this, right, you dancing like this, holding her like this, and then when you get home, you like that? She had on her spanks. She turned into an amoeba on your ass. You’re like… That’s what that was. So I was doing the tonight show, right? So I was like, “Esther, I’m doing the tonight show. I got to put you into spanks.” “Oh, I hate that spanks. “Oh, don’t put me in the spanks. “I hate that spanks. I want to be on TV.” “Esther, nobody wants to see your fat ass on TV. Now, get in the fucking spanks.” I’m putting Esther in the spanks and she’s just fighting me. “Oh, ooh, ee, ooh, you’re killing me. “Oh, this hurts. “Oh, I want some cheesecake. Oh.” So I got Esther into spanks, right? So I’m sitting, you know, on the tonight show, doing my interview, right? Now, things are going great. And all of a sudden, in the middle of the interview, I feel something rolling down. And I could just hear, “hoo, hmm, ha, hoo.” Esther is climbing out of the spanks on national TV. I look down. There’s Esther. “Hey, Jay.” “Fuck you, Esther. White people are looking at you.” And men, Whoo, you guys are catching hell. You probably not feeling any better, right? ‘Cause every other commercial is for broke dick. Right? Broke dick, broke dick, broke dick. Good grief, every other commercial. I’m so sick of that little whistling man, that… I say, “oh, not broke dick Bob again. I’m so sick of that broke dick bastard.” And guys, look. I’m not talking to the men with prostate problems. I’m just talking to the guys that your dick just breaks. Maybe your dick just breaks for a reason. Maybe that’s–maybe your dick has run its course. That’s it. Maybe that’s god’s way of telling you you all fucked out. Maybe the dick comes with a punch card and y’all just didn’t know about it. Maybe if you start thinking about it like that, you’ll start being a little more conservative with your dick, won’t you? Be a little more conservative if you know you’re limited on your ammo. Won’t be out there just shooting it off all Willy-nilly. You need to learn how to be more sniper-like with your dick. I feel sorry for all these little old ladies out there who been married for, like, 50, 60 years. And you know that these last two, three years, all they been doing is just waiting for that dick to break, just waiting. They just been waiting for that dick to die. They like, “I know, okay, the dick, “it don’t have much life in it. “I know that dick. “That should be dead pretty soon. “That dick gonna– And then I can go do things, “do things I want to do and go antiquing “and take my little bus trips with my lady friends “and play the penny slots for hours. “I can–i can clear out that drawer in my nightstand, “get all those lubes out of there and put in my crossword puzzles.” They can’t wait. Can’t wait. Then one day they get their wish. He tells her, “baby, I think that party’s over.” She comforts him. “It’s okay, sweetheart. “There’s more to us than that. “We have a strong companionship, love. “That’s just not who we are. It’s okay. I love you. Mwah.” Kiss his little forehead. Makes him feel better about himself. And as soon as he leaves the house, she’s like, “hallelujah, the dick is dead.” And she does her little “dick don’t work no more” dance. ¶ The dick don’t work no more ¶ the dick don’t work no more ¶ the dick don’t work no more ¶ hallelujah, the dick is dead ¶ ¶ dick is dead, dick is dead ¶ ¶ ding-dong, the dick is dead ¶ ¶ the dick is dead, the dick is dead ¶ ¶ ding-dong, the dickey dick is dead ¶ ¶ hi-ho, hi-ho, the dick don’t work no mo’ ¶ she is loving it. Loving it. And then he goes and gets that pill. You ever seen the little old ladies? You know, they’re always, like, looking down and just holding themselves. And they don’t even get dressed. They just have their house coat on. That’s the lady who’s been tricked by science. “But I saw it. The dick was dead. “I saw that… “The dick was dead, lord. I don’t–why me? Why me?” That’s who I feel sorry for. See, that’s not right. It should be mutual. She should have some say, right? So at least they should put a age limit on it, right? They should. Like, if you over 78, the doctor shouldn’t give you that pill unless you got a note from three women who want to fuck you.

I changed some things. I tried–you know, I tried to make some adjustments, tried to change some things. You know, like, I tried to get waxed. Yeah, I tried waxing for the first time. Yeah, and my friend, she has a spa she runs out of her house. And to support her, I was like, “ooh, I’m gonna get the whole spa package.” You know, and part of it was a bikini wax. Yeah, so I was like, “I’ll give it a shot, I’ll try it, you know?” And she told me, she said, “Wanda, it’s gonna hurt a little bit.” And I was like, “I’m tough. I got that shit.” So she put the wax on there and put the tape on there and… Foomp. I smacked the shit out of her. You hear me? You hear me? Phew. Pff! “What the fuck is wrong with you? “Shit. “Is this what you do? “You just sit up in your house “and snatch hair off of people all day? This is some sick shit.” And then she starts smacking it. I’m like, “ow, ow. Ow, bitch, ow. What are you doing?” She’s like, “oh, that takes the sting away.” I said, “no, that fucking hurts. “How would you like it if I stabbed you “and then stuck my finger in the hole? “Ooh. “Don’t that feel better? Soothing, huh?” Ooh, I was mad. And then I was bad ’cause I had to let her finish, you know? I had to let her– Get her to even that shit out. I couldn’t have, like, one side waxed and one side razored. That shit don’t match. It would have felt like somebody else was in my pants. You know, like… Mm. Well, how you doing? Whoo, that hurt. Boy. And then ti got worse ’cause I thought she was finished, and then she goes, “okay, now, turn over.” Yeah. I was like, “excuse me?” She said, “turn over; I got to get the back side. I got to get your butt.” I was like, “my butt?” I said, “oh, that won’t be necessary. “Nothing goes on back there. “Besides, I like it to look like that “’cause it scares people away. “You know, make them think I got a dog chained up back there “or something. “If they get close, I even growl a little bit. Grrr.” She was like, “roll over, fool, come on, come on.” She’s like, “it won’t hurt that much.” I’m like, “well, what the fuck? “All right. A little change. Why not?” So I turned over, and she put the wax in there and then put the tape in there. Whoomf. Everything went white. And a little bit of pee came out. A little bit of pee came out too. And I passed out. But I wasn’t out long, I wasn’t out long, ’cause when I woke up, she was still standing there holding the thing. And she goes, “are you okay, Wanda?” I was like, “uh… “I, uh… “I–i think you just ripped out my ass hole. “Yep, you have ripped out my ass hole. “Why would you do that? “Don’t throw that one. Give me that back. “I need that one back. Some sick shit.” I have never felt pain like that before. That kind of pain should happen out in the wild somewhere. I’m serious. It shouldn’t be happening to humans. You know, you watch those nature shows, and you see the lion stalking the wildebeest. And when he makes that initial bite, it looks so painful. That’s what it felt like. I pictured my ass hole running across the serengeti. And I was like, “run, ass hole. “Run, ass hole, run! “Come on, ass hole! “Run, ass hole! Ah!” Hot lion teeth in my ass hole. That’s what it felt like. Shit, I got a tetanus shot when I left there. I’m telling you. So I’m getting my stuff together, you know, getting ready to leave, and I’m getting dressed, and she goes, “wait a minute, you’re not finished.” I’m like, “what?” And she goes, “uh, I have to do your facial.” I was like, “my facial? “Not after you’ve been digging around in my ass. “I don’t want your assy hands touching my face. “You don’t go ass to face. You go clean to dirty.” You know, sometimes, you know, as much as you try to fight the whole change and aging process, sometimes things happen that just so strong in your face, just smacks you dead in your face, that you just have to go, “okay, it is what it is.” This is a true story. I’m coming out of the mall, right, walking out of the mall, and I’m just digging through my purse, just rifling through my bag and, you know, I’m talking to my friend, and she could tell that I was distracted. She was like, “Wanda, are you listening to me?” I was like, “girl, I’m sorry, but I think I left my cell phone in the store.” And she goes, “okay, well, call me back when you find it.” Damn. Thank you, D.C. I love y’all.