Tony Hinchcliffe: Man of the People (2026) – Transcript

“Tony Hinchcliffe: Man of the People” is the stand-up comedy special by the host of Kill Tony, released globally on Netflix on June 9, 2026.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[audience cheering]

[suspenseful music playing]

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Tony Hinchcliffe!

[audience cheers and whistles]

Fuck yes!

What the fuck is up?

[audience continues cheering]

Who’s with me?

[audience cheers]

[audience cheers louder]

Let’s fucking go!

It’s good to be here, in the middle of the United States of America.

[audience cheers]

I love it. What a fucking diverse, powerful crowd we have here tonight.

Hell yeah.

That’s what I am, you know?

I’m a people person.

I love different people. That’s really what it’s all about.

I study them all, all the different races and cultures.

Sometimes you have to get out to see it, you know?

I live in the great state of Texas.

[audience cheers]

I love it. You gotta fucking visit.

It’s the best. I just got my first gun.

Fuck yeah.

[audience cheers]

Mm-hmm.

It’s like having a second dick.

[audience laughs]

I know, ’cause the first thing I did when I got it home is I put it in my mouth.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

It’s a good one.

You know, a little fun fact about that joke, and I’ll only explain this ’cause I’m guessing that if you’re here, you’re probably fans of the show Kill Tony.

[audience cheers]

Where comedians talk to comedians about comedy every single week.

A fun fact about that joke I just did is about 40% of the crowd laughs because they think it’s a gay joke.

[audience laughs]

And about 60% of the crowd laughs because to them, it registers as a suicide joke.

Well, I’m here to tell y’all, I ain’t gay.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Surprise, surprise, motherfuckers.

I’m saying it. I’m sick of it.

I’m 41, and I’ve been hearing it my whole life.

I make fun of somebody, and they get me back, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re gay.”

And everybody just cracks up. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”

And I’m sick of it. I wake up every day thinking that might be the day that I look like a real man.

I look in the mirror, and I’m still just a gay boy.

But I’m sick of it, and I’m here to tell you, if any guy in this room thinks I’m gay, guess what?

You’re gay.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. How about that?

Yeah.

[audience cheers]

I’m saying it.

I’m saying it once and for all.

You see a guy with good bone structure, a little bit of style to him, a slightly higher-pitched voice than you’re used to on your work site, and you picture that guy getting butt-fucked?

[audience laughs]

Dude.

That’s fucking gay, dude.

[audience laughs]

Any one of you, and I see you out there, the old tough guys.

Probably never been called gay a day in your life.

I see you with your scraggly beards and your fucking pouty faces and your negative outlooks on life, just shaking your head, all sad boy.

I see you, your tattoos.

I see you, tough guys.

Your arms crossed and your fucking baseball hats out on a Saturday night.

I see you, tough guys.

Any fucking one of you, you think you’re straighter than me? [chuckles]

Well, if you do, I challenge you to a suck-off.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

[audience whooping]

Uh-huh.

It’s simple.

We 69.

We start at the exact same time, and we have a little competition.

Yeah. Up and down.

One suck for you, one suck for me.

One suck for you, one suck for me.

Like a teeter-totter, or… or a seesaw, or an oil rig, or whatever you’re into.

Yeah.

Let’s find out who’s fucking gay.

‘Cause I bet you come first.

You faggot.

Yeah.

[audience cheers]

And while my soft penis bounces around in your try-hard mouth…

[laughing]

you will think to yourself, “He was right.”

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

No, it was a… It was a suicide joke.

[audience laughs]

[cackles]

I’m just misunderstood.

I study people, all different shapes and sizes and cultures and… whatever the fuck this guy is right here, exactly.

Some kind of gay magician or something like that? It’s like…

It’s like you make dildos appear out of your hat or something like that?

I love that. Is this your lady right here?

[emphatically] No! [Tony] No? All right.

Wow.

You just made your chances with her disappear real quick.

I love that. How did you two get sat next to each other?

You don’t know each other at all?

No. Just complete coincidence that this guy was sat next to, fucking, this big-tittied monster right here.

Look at those fucking Arizona shakers.

That’s incredible.

What’s your name, sweetheart? Jasmine.

Jasmine. Absolutely.

What do you do for work? Where do you…

What strip club do you work at exactly?

You are unbelievable. No, seriously.

What do you… Where do you really work?

[faintly] Oh, um, I’m a tortilla vendor.

[Tony] You’re a tortilla vendor.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh my God.

[audience cheers]

Wow.

Can you give a tortilla to this malnutrition guy sitting next to you right here?

You look hungry, sir.

You’re an angry little school shooter, ain’t ya?

Wow.

There you go. [chuckles] Yeah. Okay. I love it.

It’s good to meet a YouTube commenter out in real life.

Look at your sad existence right now.

I love it.

Hell yeah, buddy. Sure am glad you’re here in the front row.

Are you eternally furious?

Is that what’s wrong?

No, you’re a happy guy.

Okay. All right.

Whoo!

Hell yeah.

This is my kind of fucking party.

Oh my God. You guys have a…

You guys have a good view of that guy’s face.

That is fucking incredible.

Hopefully there’s metal detectors in this bitch.

My God, this party’s wild.

Clearly anything can happen tonight.

There’s a lot… a lot to cover.

[audience cheers]

Hell yeah.

It’s a real thing out there on these streets.

Believe it or not, I was born and raised in an all-Black neighborhood.

That’s where a lot of the swagger that you’re seeing right now comes from.

Yeah. I have Black friends.

That I hang out with, and they think I’m cool.

I study different cultures.

Coming from a Black neighborhood, you learn a lot.

What’s a big stereotype about Black guys?

[man shouts indistinctly]

All right, I’ll take over here.

[audience laughs]

Here’s one.

Here’s one that you’ve probably heard. Black men love eating chicken.

[audience, faintly] Yes.

That’s clearly the Black section up there.

[audience laughing]

[Tony chuckles]

Got you guys in the Rosa Parks section back there.

[chuckles] Deep in the back.

Huge applause break for chicken.

And my studies show that’s true. Black men do love eating chicken.

We all love eating chicken, but Black men fucking love eating chicken.

But what you don’t know, if you don’t have a lot of Black friends is what I know, which is that Black men do not love eating eggs.

Interesting, right?

They love eating chicken. Eggs come from a chicken.

You’d think they’d fucking love eating eggs.

Not in their top ten breakfast choices.

Because even in the chicken world, they don’t want to be around their children.

[audience laughing and groaning]

[Tony cackling]

I love it. Are you guys father and son?

This is incredible. My God.

And were you guys always together or did you meet in prison at the same time?

[Tony cackles]

You guys are a tough fucking duo. Dad looks like a serious man.

What do you do for work, sir?

Pardon me?

What’s your name? Rob.

Rob. What do you do for a living?

[faintly] Barbecue and swimming pools.

Barbecue and swimming pools.

Fuck yeah.

[audience cheers]

[Tony] Wow.

Sometimes you find out the answers to a lot of questions at once.

I just found out you’re Mexican.

Do you ever combine the two?

Do you ever do barbecues in swimming pools?

You really do?

That’s fucking unbelievable.

How many… How many kids do you have?

Three.

[Tony] Three. Wow.

That’s low for a Mexican family.

[audience laughs]

And how about you? Do you work in the pool business too?

You do? Unbelievable. Yeah.

[Tony] The apple doesn’t fall far from the…

From the landscaper’s, uh… tree.

You guys must get a ton of pussy.

You guys ever tag-team the same girl?

No?

Huh?

It’s all old people.

[Tony] It’s all old people?

Hey.

Dude.

Sometimes you gotta get in there, bro.

Would you? Would you ever fuck a girl with your dad?

No? Not at all? Never? Not an option?

You’re good?

Tonight’s the night, my friend. I’m gonna make this happen.

I’d like to introduce you to Jasmine.

Uh…

[audience laughs]

That’s right.

I want you guys to teach her the old barbecue skewer tonight.

All the while, this gay magician is gonna jerk off in the corner.

[audience laughs]

And the scariest part is that this guy is gonna be looking through the window the entire time.

It’s gonna be quite the party we have.

You gotta find something to do after a show.

You gotta keep things exciting, you know what I mean? These…

Just going to a club or a dive bar is too boring.

I like to take the audience and really start one of the world’s most [chuckles] insane orgies.

Hi, cool Black guy, how are you? What’s your name?

[man] Bobby.

What is it?

[man] Bobby.

Bobby. Fuck yeah.

What do you think… What’s your take on eggs?

[audience laughs]

Huh?

[Bobby] I need cheese.

You need cheese.

You’re goddamn right.

Eggs…

[laughs]

I’m just gonna skip over that one. Even I…

Even I found what I was about to say to be too obnoxious.

It’s a real thing.

Bobby, what do you do for work?

[Bobby] I’m retired military.

Reti… How about a hand for Bobby?

[audience cheers]

What branch of the military were you in?

Air Force.

What exactly did you do in the Air Force? Was it Air Force Ones?

Was that what you were in?

[laughs]

Fighter jets.

Holy fucking shit.

It’s unbelievable.

[audience cheers]

Did you serve overseas at all?

[Bobby] I did.

You did. Where’d you go?

[Bobby] South Korea and Italy. South Korea and Italy.

Wow, really, two of the most dangerous places.

[audience laughs]

Nothing scarier than flying over the land of meatballs marinara, you know what I mean?

Just really, really tough places.

I love it, Bobby. Thank you for your service, Bobby.

Hell yeah.

[audience cheers]

I’ve never said the N-word before.

On stage.

But if you ever stub your toe in the middle of the night… try it.

Yeah.

It’s a naughty word, I know.

And I know what you’re thinking, “I would never say that.”

But if you hurt yourself, you should try.

And I know what you guys say.

I know your go-to’s. I’ve studied this.

You go, [distressed voice] “Fuck, shit, motherfucker.”

I know all the go-to’s, ’cause it’s all naughty words.

‘Cause the naughtier the word, the more you distract yourself from the pain.

And I’m here to tell you the N-word is 98% instant pain relief.

The naughtier the word, the more relief is brought.

And the N-word is about as naughty as it gets.

So, try it.

Think of me when you do it.

But you gotta go hard, you gotta stick that landing. Hard R.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Make sure there’s none around at the time.

Yeah, make sure there’s no home invaders or anything like that.

They might get mad and try to hurt you.

By the way, Bobby, doesn’t work if you’re a Black guy.

Yeah.

Being a Black guy, stubbing your toe and yelling the N-word is like a white guy stubbing his toe and yelling, “My friend!”

[audience laughs]

Bad words are a thing.

They say you can’t do this, they say you can’t talk about that.

I find it all crazy.

People have called me a racist and a this and a that.

Meanwhile, nobody in my industry helps more people of color, Latinos or trans people.

[audience cheers]

And meanwhile, it seems like every year or two, the whole fucking world turns on me and none of you people tweet anything about it when it happens.

You just wait it out and wait for another Monday episode and I have to fucking…

[chuckles]

[audience cheers]

But I’m a people person.

I study everything.

Where’s my proud Latinos at tonight?

[audience cheers]

Hell yeah.

Not quite as loud as you used to be.

I noticed about ten months ago something changed in you.

[audience laughs]

Almost seems like y’all are on your absolute best behavior nowadays.

I don’t know what could’ve possibly have changed.

You guys used to be the “loud people.”

And now, you’re so well-behaved now.

Immigration is amongst us, people.

It’s a real thing. It hits close to home.

My own head housekeeper…

[woman laughs loudly]

Yeah. Came up to me just this week.

I was on my 2,000-square-foot terrace and… smoking a cigarette.

And she came out and she goes, [in Latin American accent] “Tony…”

[chuckles]

And I knew something was wrong.

She goes, [in Latin American accent] “My niece got picked up by immigration this week. And back in October you told me to tell everyone I know to vote for this president.”

“Do you think maybe you can help?”

And I looked her right in her eyes and I go, “Juanita.”

“The guest bedroom bathroom toilet is clogged.”

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

“And if it’s not fixed by the time you leave, I will reunite you with your niece.”

[audience laughs]

[cackles]

Look, immigration’s real.

And now our president has brought into the fold to help our government the one and only Elon Musk, a man whose fifth-most-important job is building the world’s largest rockets, flying them to outer space, and then flying them back seamlessly.

What’s my point?

Do you have any idea how fast you can get illegal immigrants back to where they came from on a fucking rocket?

I do.

Two minutes and five seconds.

From here to Tijuana, Mexico.

It’s very simple, people. Here’s what you do.

You take the rocket, you fill it with illegal immigrants.

You blast that bitch up in the sky.

You let Elon do his fancy little parallel parking thing.

You empty the illegal immigrants.

You fill the rocket with avocados.

[audience laughs]

Yes.

That’s right.

No tariffs on these avocados.

You land the avocados, you empty the avocados.

You fill it with illegal immigrants.

Adios, amigos.

You land it.

You empty the illegal immigrants.

You fill it with Cholula.

That’s right.

Now Black guys have something to put on their eggs.

[audience laughs]

These are the ideas.

[crowd cheers]

These are the ideas that I’m pitching to the top.

All the way to the top. And the president’s working.

Whether you love him or hate him, the motherfucker works.

He sleeps for four hours a night, wakes up, just starts signing shit.

Most obnoxious signature in presidential history.

Looks like Lizzo’s heart rate.

[audience laughs]

Just starts signing shit nonstop.

Women’s rights? [mock Donald Trump voice] “Goodbye.”

Takes a picture with it, on to the next one.

Giant signature. He can’t help himself.

Everyone around him is afraid to tell him to chill.

Now he’s got a Sharpie marker, by the way.

First president ever with a fucking Sharpie marker.

He’s just letting it rip.

Thousands of years from now, historians are gonna look back at all the different documents signed by all the presidents, and somebody’s gonna be like, “This guy seems more important than the other guys.”

“He’s got a thicker font.”

You never saw that with Biden.

You never saw Biden sign a goddamn thing.

If you did, there’d have to be a hand that came out from under the desk and grabbed his wrist.

[audience laughs and applauds]

This is real life, people. Shit’s going down.

It’s happening.

And look, immigration’s important.

Where’s my Mexican people at tonight? Anybody?

[audience cheers]

You guys are Mexican? I love it.

What do you think the big stereotype about Mexican people is?

[man] We work hard.

You work hard. That’s a good one.

That’s true. Hard workers, indeed.

[audience cheers]

That lady’s going nuts at hard workers. What do you do for a living, lady?

[woman] I’m a manager. At a restaurant.

What restaurant?

[woman] A Brazilian steakhouse.

A Brazilian steakhouse. You’re a traitor.

[audience laughs]

What kind of Mexican works at a Brazilian steakhouse?

This fucking guy is building barbecues inside of swimming pools.

Now, that’s Mexican.

[audience cheers]

All right.

Let me tell you this stereotype that I think about Mexican people.

White lady, how many brothers and sisters do you have? One or two?

One brother, two sisters. Wow, your mom’s a slut.

[audience laughs]

Your mom has a giant vagina.

Do you know that? Have you ever seen it?

Okay.

Uh, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

Four.

[Tony] Four. Well, that makes sense.

Also, your dad has a second family that you don’t know about.

[audience laughs]

They make big families.

That’s a true stereotype, and I love it.

All the different cultures are so different.

The Mexican culture, huge families.

And I love it.

They all take care of each other from youngest to oldest, and back around again.

They’re not like white people that throw their fucking moms into nursing homes the first chance they get and just keep throwing fucking money at the problem.

They’re not like that.

They’re not like that. They all take care of each other.

There’s no fucking…

They’re just different than white guys.

They don’t even think about it. They just make another baby.

Make another baby.

They’re not like white dudes.

[white bro voice] “I pulled out and shot it on her tits. Fuck yeah, dude.”

[chuckles]

“Fuck yeah, dude. I shot it on her tits.”

They don’t do that.

You’ve never heard of a wet front?

[audience laughs uncomfortably]

Yeah.

Uh-huh. No, you haven’t. Why?

Because they blast right in there, right down the old horchata highway.

Right in that sweet little Mijo maker.

So you remember that.

Remember that. Next time you see video of one of them crossing the border, just remember, that’s one now.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

But that one finds another one, turns into 11 real fucking quick.

These things are all real.

It’s all real.

And it’s okay.

It’s okay that we’re all different.

It’s okay, and I love that.

It’s amazing.

Do you know how many Indian people there are in the world?

2.5 many.

[audience laughs]

It’s an incredible statistic.

Look, everything has its own little quirks.

Right? I got stuck on my way here behind one of those cars with nobody driving.

Yeah. He was Asian.

[audience laughs]

That’s the Asian one.

We all know it. There’s no doubt about it.

It’s an anomaly.

Asian lady, what kind of Asian are you?

Chinese? I love it. What’s your name?

Coco?

Koto?

You say it, sir. Talk Talk.

[Tony] Tong Tong. Fuck yeah.

Talk Talk. Talk Talk?

Talk Talk?

Talk Talk?

Yeah. Talk Talk.

[Tony] Talk Talk.

Fuck yeah.

I’m pretty sure I just downloaded that app last week.

Holy shit.

Talk Talk. What do you do for a living?

You’re a teacher? Yeah.

What are you teaching?

[speaks indistinctly]

[Tony] Physics?

[woman, faintly] Um, autistic kids.

Autistic kids. Oh.

Wow. So you teach other Asians.

Amazing. That’s so special.

Amazing. How great.

Uh, Talk Talk, let me ask you a question.

What kind of car do you drive?

Um, a Honda Civic.

[Tony] A Honda Civic. Very good.

Hell yeah.

What kind of car did you have before the Honda Civic?

That’s my only car.

[Tony] That’s the only car you’ve ever had?

Wow.

How long have you had it for?

I got it in 2017.

2017 and you haven’t totaled it yet?

[audience laughs and groans]

This is unbelievable.

You’ve never… You’ve never gotten into a little accident?

Never?

I only got a speeding ticket.

[Tony] You only got a speeding ticket. Wow.

Fuck yeah.

This is amazing.

You just fucked up my joke, Talk Talk.

That’s the first time that’s happened, where I found an Asian woman that hasn’t gotten into a car accident before.

I know to you guys it’s not that impressive because you would think, “That would probably happen all the time.”

But that’s literally the first out of like the 45 times that I’ve done this material, Talk Talk.

I just wasted two and a half minutes talking, talk-talking to you.

[audience laughs]

Just to find out you’re the world’s greatest female Asian driver.

[audience laughs]

Amazing.

Let’s move on from Asians. Uh…

[cackles]

I just find it all so interesting.

All the different cultures and all the different everythings.

I’m intrigued by everything. I really am.

And in Texas, there is a good melting pot.

Everybody’s different. Everybody’s got something.

In Texas, not everything is perfect, though.

Still.

Marijuana is illegal.

[audience boos]

Yeah.

Porn is illegal.

[audience boos]

Yeah.

Abortion, illegal.

[audience boos]

Meanwhile, I had all three this week.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Abortion is illegal in Texas, but flying your girl to Colorado via Spirit Airlines is $35 right now.

It’s true.

Use the promo code KILLTONY.

Bags are extra.

Still cost extra for bags on Spirit.

But this should be the only flight that you come back with less than you left with.

It’s true. She flies Spirit and then the baby flies spirit.

[audience laughs and groans]

[mocking audience] “Oh! Oh!”

[groans]

When you make that noise, it makes me want to go deeper into that type of subject material.

[audience cheers]

Yeah.

Like you think when aborted babies get to heaven, you think they get to grow?

[audience laughs uncomfortably]

Or do they stay the same size? Right?

Get up there, and there’s just a bunch of human crawfish all over the floor.

[audience laughs uncomfortably]

Right? Like you die and you wake up in heaven, and you’re just like, “Whoa, amazing.”

Crunch. Like, “What the fuck?”

“Oh, one of the unnamed.”

[chuckles]

And I can tell there’s probably some ladies in this room right now thinking to yourselves, “You know, I’ve never thought of it that way before.”

“Maybe one day, when I pass away, I’ll get to reconnect with that little bugger that…”

“And I’ll get to explain to it why I did what I had to do at the time when I’m in heaven.”

Well, ladies, I’m here to tell you, you will be burning in hell.

[audience laughs and applauds]

[cackles]

I’m kidding!

God, this is the part where I can tell exactly which women have had abortions in the room, by the way.

Some of the ladies that were loving the Black and Latino jokes are just…

[woman whoops]

[chuckles]

Look.

Some of us, all of us, can be accidentally racist sometimes.

It happens.

It happened to me one… one time.

And now I’m the ambassador to Puerto Rico.

And…

Yeah.

[audience cheers]

Look, people come up to me on the street sometimes, and they ask me.

They go, “Tony, I’m a big fan.”

“I’m not gonna take much of your time, but I gotta know.”

“What’s your least-favorite race?”

And I tell everybody the same thing. And that’s that I love everyone equally.

Yeah, I lie.

[audience laughs]

But I don’t know what it is. I’m just in some kind of mood tonight.

I feel like I wanna do it.

Is it okay if I say my least-favorite race here tonight?

[audience cheers]

It’s the goddamn Canadians.

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

[audience cheers]

I am so sick of these border-jumping snow monkeys coming into our country, bragging about their free healthcare while looking like absolute dog shit.

And they have egos now.

These Canadians have egos. We were always their little protector.

You know, they were our fucking… little autistic cousin that we locked up in the attic and gave the pizza crust that the rest of the family didn’t want at the end of the night to.

You know? All we ever did was help them.

[man] Fuck Canada!

Yeah, fuck Canada, sir.

That’s exactly what I’m saying.

That’s what I’m saying.

That’s the president Donald Trump by the way. He’s at the show.

He’s up there being protected by the Secret Service right now.

‘Cause he’s scared of this guy right here.

Jesus Christ. Every lap you get a little bit scarier.

I come around just…

His chin keeps going farther and farther down like this.

Fuck yeah. What kind of Asian are you?

You don’t know? Perfect, that’s what I thought you’d say.

[chuckles]

This is one of your students, right, Talk Talk?

[audience laughs]

Anyway.

I always liked Canada, but they have egos now out of nowhere.

I don’t know how many COVID boosters you have to get to have an irrational ego, but they’ve got it.

A few months ago at a big hockey game, they booed our national anthem.

Yeah.

[audience boos] Uh-huh.

Yeah. You know what I think?

I think they better stop booing it, and they better start fucking learning it.

[audience cheers]

[Tony] Yeah.

Yeah. I’m sick of them.

You know, they have a program now where the government kills you.

[audience laughs]

One in twenty Canadian deaths last year were from a program where they kill themselves, but through the government.

‘Cause they have free healthcare, so you sign up for it.

And basically, the taxpayers are killing them.

So they’re all killing each other.

But they’re making it look like it’s a “compassionate act” that they’re doing instead of dying.

Like real people.

Like real Americans.

Fighting to their last breath.

Yeah.

[scattered whoops]

And they have to schedule it too.

They schedule it for a couple of months out of their original appointment visit.

Have you ever heard of anything quite that Canadian than being told to come back in a couple of months for your own suicide and being like, [Canadian accent] “Okay.”

[audience laughs]

[continues accent] “I’ll be here with bells and whistles.”

How un-American is that?

How do you kill yourself if you’re an American?

You fucking take a gun up… [grunts] It’s just over.

Like a fucking patriot.

Like a squawking eagle.

What’s my point?

My point is for the past 18 years here

I thought I was living my dreams being a stand-up comedian, and now I’ve learned that there’s a job out there where I could potentially be talking Canadians into killing themselves.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Let the bodies hit the floor.

[scattered whoops] Yeah.

I do. I just want to go door-to-door like Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds.

Just, “Hello. [friendly chuckle] It sure is cold out here.”

“And it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to get any warmer.”

Sounds like a fucking dream.

So that’s my least-favorite race.

The Canadians take the fucking cake right now.

And it’s… They’re farther ahead than anybody.

And that’s purposeful.

That’s a real thing.

But again, we can all be accidentally racist.

It happened to me one time.

Another time.

[audience laughs]

Yeah. One night, back when I lived in LA, I was walking up to my apartment building.

Nighttime.

And I saw a guy I had never seen before leaning into one of the car windows where all the cars park in front of my building.

And as I get closer, I saw this guy who I had never seen before.

He pops his head out of a window.

And, uh, it was a Black guy wearing a black hoodie.

He took off running, and he got into a silver car being driven by a chubby white chick.

That’s how I just labeled it in my head.

No big deal.

I go about my night. Everything’s fine.

I wake up the next morning, and I’m in a group text message with about ten numbers that I don’t have saved.

I scroll to the top of this group thread to see what it’s about.

And the first message says, “Hey, we all live in the same building.”

“Got your numbers from the landlord.”

“Just wanted to let you know someone broke into my car last night.”

“If anybody knows anything or saw anything, let me know.”

I jumped right into that group text message.

I go, “At about 11 p.m. last night, I saw a Black guy I’ve never seen before run out of that area.”

“He got into a silver car with a chubby white chick.”

Next message comes in underneath that.

“LOL, Tony, that’s Sean.”

“He’s our new neighbor. He’s in this group text message.”

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[extended] Fuck.

I jump back in it.

“By the way, she wasn’t chubby.”

“She was thicc.”

Smart, right?

‘Cause what’s the difference?

It’s really the same girl, just depends on your perspective.

Yeah.

I’m saying it, ladies.

If you’re chubby and you’re taking part in crimes or have a bad attitude, you’re chubby.

[audience laughs]

But if you’re chubby and you’re fun, and positive, and you can keep a secret…

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

[audience cheers]

[Tony chuckles]

…you’re thicc.

So I go, “She isn’t chubby, she’s thicc.” Next message comes in.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”

“That’s his girlfriend. She lives with him.”

“She’s in this group text message.”

I just go, “Can anyone help me move?”

[chuckles]

Everything was fine.

That was it.

Couple weeks later, the same group thread comes alive again out of nowhere when somebody goes, “Tony, you don’t have to move.”

“It turns out, it was Sean.”

[audience laughs]

“He does a thing where he moves into a new apartment complex and steals from around those buildings.”

“And then moves on to another one.”

“His girlfriend was in on it with him.”

I switch to all capital letters.

“I fucking knew it.”

[audience laughs]

“And she wasn’t thicc, she wasn’t chubby, she was fat.”

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

[audience cheers]

And then the next message came in underneath that.

It just said, “Haha, just kidding man. This is Sean.”

[laughs]

So now we’re all friends.

Another one of my cool Black friends that I hang out with.

You have Black friends?

What’s one of their names?

Sean? Wow, perfect.

DeSean?

Now I believe you.

See how easy that is?

Jasmine, what kind of guys are you into? Are you single?

You are? What’s your type?

Medium ugly with a beard.

[Tony] Medium ugly with beard?

What the fuck does that mean?

Medium ugly?

Medium ugly with a beard.

Medium ugly with a beard?

You’re kind of…

I’ve never heard anyone in my life say that they’re into someone kind of ugly.

You’re into kind of ugly guys?

With a beard? Yes.

Unbelievable, Jasmine.

When you say, “Medium ugly guys”…

What if it was a good-looking guy with a beard?

You’d be like, “Fuck that.”

You really like kind of ugly guys.

That’s fucking crazy.

The creep next to you is hard as a rock right now.

It’s unbelievable.

This guy, he doesn’t have a beard.

That fucking guy will take his pubes and glue them on his face.

He doesn’t give a fuck… [babbling]

[gruff voice] “Come on, Jasmine!” “Let me eat your pussy, Jasmine!”

Jesus fucking Christ.

Well, well, well, Jasmine.

I mean, hello. Uh…

What do we think over here?

[audience cheers]

Wow.

Oh my God.

And he’s got his cerebral palsy child with him.

This is incredible.

Quite the duo.

Have you ever been with a Black woman before, sir?

Yeah, looks like you haven’t.

[Tony cackles]

Hell yeah.

Wow.

Is there a reason why you haven’t been with a Black woman, or it’s coincidence?

[speaks indistinctly]

[Tony] Huh?

I got no game.

[Tony] You got no game?

She… That… She’s probably wet as fuck right now.

[audience laughs]

Dude, I think… I mean, I’ve never seen somebody quite as medium ugly with a beard as the guy that I’m looking at right now.

What would your first move be in the bedroom with a woman like Jasmine, other than hiding the white sheets that you have your Klan outfit made out of?

“Oh, fuck.”

“Throw it under the bed.”

This guy’s under the bed taking it, helping you for some reason.

How do you know each other?

This is one of the weirdest fucking duos I’ve ever seen.

What vape shop do you guys run together exactly?

Do you guys really run a vape store? No.

I used to sell him weed.

[Tony] You used to sell him weed?

Okay.

This is like, [white bro voice] “Fuck yeah, dude.” He’s literally…

I think I just did the thing from my joke about white guys, [white bro voice] “Oh yeah, dude.”

“I shot it on her tits, dude. I shot it on her tits.”

Jesus Christ.

What would your first move with Jasmine be?

You already said it.

[Tony] What is that? Hide the Klan hood?

You said that I already said it.

What was it? What did I say?

Suck on her tits.

You’d suck on her tits?

Wow.

[exhales] I didn’t realize I’m talking to the world’s largest seven-year-old boy, everybody.

[audience laughs]

“I’d suck on her tits, Tony.”

[laughs]

What a romantic man.

[chuckles]

“Tony, number one answer?”

“Suck on her tits.” Ding.

“Welcome to Retarded Family Feud.”

[chuckles]

“Survey said ‘Suck on her tits,’ number one answer.”

Hell yes.

This is a fucking party in here tonight.

I like it like this.

[audience cheers]

[cackles]

Look, I’m just a wild little American boy.

That’s all I am. That’s all I am.

[audience cheers]

So, what have we covered?

We’ve made fun of

Blacks, Latinos, the whites, the Indians.

[man] Asians.

Asians. Thank you.

I’d imagine if I were sitting where you are right now and I bought a ticket to a Tony Hinchcliffe show, I’d be probably thinking to myself, “Tony, where are those Jew jokes?”

[audience cheers in affirmation]

[woman shouts indistinctly]

[Tony] Well, I’m averaging about four specials a year with Netflix right now, and I’m not in the mood to make Jew jokes anymore.

[audience cheers and boos]

[Tony cackles]

But they should settle down a little bit, right?

Settle it already with Palestine.

I mean, my God, right?

Best out of three.

Rock, paper, scissors.

You know Palestine is gonna throw rock every time.

But you also know the Jews have a hard time throwing that paper.

You know what I’m saying?

Look, it’s a tricky subject.

It’s a tricky subject.

Look at this fucking bundle of cord we have here.

What have… What have I done?

[snorts]

[cackles]

This is what happens. You start making fun of the Jews, the cord starts wrapping up on itself.

[audience laughs]

“Oh, the audio gave out when you started [chuckling] talking about the Jews.”

“Yeah, it turns out the cord bundled up and, uh…”

No, I absolutely love the Jews.

Some of my best friends… A lot of my best friends, actually.

Yeah. My agent, my manager, my business manager, my favorite banker, my bagel maker, uh…

[cackles]

No, I love them.

Smart people.

Family oriented, great sense of humor, some of the best comedians of all time.

Jews. Amazing. Great people.

But I’m also a Kanye West fan, and, uh…

Of his music.

I’ve been a Kanye fan for about three decades now.

It gets a little bit harder every month, but we’re hanging in there.

I still listen to him all the time, but now I do it with my windows rolled up.

[audience laughs]

Mm-hmm.

Kanye said that the Jews run show business, and all of his bank accounts were frozen the next day, so…

He must have been wrong.

[audience laughs quietly]

When Kanye said the Jews run show business, the first thing I did, I called up my big agent.

Lives in LA, Esther Steinberg.

I called her up.

I go, “Esther, is this true that the Jews run show business?”

She’s like, “Let me call your manager Goldie Goldbaum.”

“I’ll get right back to you.”

They didn’t call me back that day, which is crazy, because they’re the best team in all of show business, and odd for them to not call back, but…

Look, I love Kanye, and I love the Jews.

I love them both.

And, in fact, I think they’re more alike than we all think.

You guys wanna play a game?

[audience cheers]

[Tony] All right.

This is a little game I invented, it’s called “Kanye or the Jews.”

This is when I say a famous line that one of them is famous for saying.

And you get to guess out loud at this part, who’s famous for saying that, is it Kanye or the Jews?

You guys want to play? [audience] Yes!

Alright, here we go, round one.

Kanye or the Jews?

“Wait till I get my money right.”

[audience] Kanye!

It’s both on that one. Uh… [scoffs]

Turns out they both love having their money exactly correct.

Let’s go round two.

Kanye or the Jews?

“That shit cray. Ain’t it, Jay?”

“What’s she order? Gefilte fish fillet?”

[audience] Jews!

Jews, very good.

The gefilte is a dead giveaway on that one.

It’s a fish in a jar that only they eat.

All right, let’s do round three.

Kanye or the Jews?

“Jesus walks to the top of that hill because we are going to crucify him.”

[audience] Jews!

Very good, yes indeed, folks, it is the Jews.

Uh, they murder Jesus and they laugh about it when we’re not around.

It’s true.

When the whites and the Blacks and the… everyone else leaves the room, and it’s just the Jews, they pick on us. They fucking…

[audience laughs]

I’m kidding.

About it all.

Goddammit.

Guys, if the Jews really ran show business, do you think they’d let me stand up here and joke about it like this?

That’s crazy.

[deep sigh]

[audience laughs and cheers]

[Tony] Fuck yeah.

Guys, I love you.

I love you so much.

[audience cheers]

You guys are the shit.

This was so much fun.

Thank you for being part of a historical night of my life.

I fucking love you guys.

God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you so much.

[crowd cheers]

I love you, truly.

Thank you.

[whimsical closing theme music playing]

[music ends]