Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
Release Date: December 24, 2025
Location: Filmed at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Tom Segura‘s Teacher is the comedy special equivalent of a man showing you photos from his vacation and expecting applause. For nearly an hour, Segura takes the stage in Milwaukee to deliver what can only be described as the creative exhaust of someone who stopped needing to be funny a long time ago. The title promises pedagogy; what we get is a man who has learned nothing and has nothing to teach.
The first twenty minutes are an inventory of bodily functions that would embarrass a middle-schooler. Segura ranks his favorite ways to expel waste from his body. He discusses sharting with the self-satisfaction of someone who believes he invented the concept. He recounts flying with the Blue Angels—an anecdote designed to remind us of his celebrity access—and the punchline, inevitably, involves his fear of defecating at high altitude. There is a geometry to hack comedy, and Segura has mastered it: take any subject, add excrement, wait for the laugh track.
And about that laughter. There’s something hollow in the room, a dutiful quality to the audience response that suggests people laughing because they paid for tickets, not because anything surprised them. The comedian who once had timing now has only tempo—a metronomic delivery of setups and punchlines that land with the predictability of a metronome. Nothing detonates. Everything simply arrives. The references are museum pieces. Jared from Subway. Guantanamo Bay. Material that might have been edgy during the Obama administration now feels like comedy archaeology. Segura has stopped living in the present tense. He performs as if the world froze the moment he got rich, and in a sense, for him, it did.
Because that’s the rot at the center of Teacher: Segura has become the thing comedians are supposed to mock. He’s the wealthy man performing accessibility, the trust-fund kid who once cosplayed as a struggling comic and now can’t stop telling you about his sports cars, his Italian vacations, his proximity to military aircraft. When he calls pickleball a substitute sport for soft people, you feel the irony collapse on itself—here is a man whose entire act has become a substitute for actual comedy, performed for audiences too polite to demand their money back.
The podcast industrial complex created this. Years of Your Mom’s House, hours of unfiltered conversation, have done to Segura what they do to most comedians foolish enough to expose their personalities without filter: they’ve worn away the mystique, revealed the smallness, and replaced hunger with complacency. Podcasting doesn’t sharpen comics; it domesticates them. Segura now performs like a man who has talked so much that he’s forgotten how to say anything.
There’s a moment in the special where Segura discusses wanting to kill his wife—an extended bit about pushing her off subway platforms and Hawaiian cliffs. It’s meant to be dark, intimate, the comedy of marital proximity. Instead, it plays like a man who heard that confessional material works and decided to manufacture some. The transgression is cosmetic. Nothing is at stake. He knows she’s alive, we know she’s alive, and the bit exists only to fill time between references to his digestive system.
Segura used to be different. In Completely Normal and Mostly Stories, he was hungrier, less insulated, more willing to find comedy in his own failures rather than in his privileges. That comic is gone now, replaced by a simulacrum who hits his marks and collects his check. Each special since the peak has been observably worse than the last, a declining curve that Teacher extends toward its logical conclusion: a man on stage with nothing left to prove and nothing left to say.
The special ends with a prolonged AIDS joke—Segura claiming he probably contracted HIV from unprotected sex in Tunisia decades ago, that his wife has it, his children have it, even Bill Belichick has it. It’s meant as absurdist punctuation, a shock to send the audience home buzzing. Instead, it arrives with the desperation of a comic who knows he hasn’t earned his closer and hopes volume will substitute for wit. The crowd cheers. The lights fade. And somewhere, the comedian Tom Segura used to be watches from a distance, wondering what happened.
* * *
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025) | Transcript
[street noises rise slowly]
[crowd cheering faintly]
[announcer] Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.
[crowd cheers]
[elevator dings]
[“Time 4 Sum Aksion” by Redman plays]
♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
♪ Time, time for some Time for some action… ♪
♪ Let’s get ready to rumble ♪
♪ In this corner we have The funk bodysnatcher ♪
♪ P-Funkadelic and I gat ya Hard enough that I can… ♪
All right, thank you very much!
[song fades]
[crowd whoops] Thank you. You guys are amazing, thanks. Yeah, I love you too. You’re so well-behaved.
That’s great.
[crowd laughs] It’s not always like this. You know that, right? We, uh… We had a fight in the front row last week at a show. Yeah, and you fucking notice when it’s in the front row.
[laughter]
You notice. And, um… you know, normally, we try to put that out pretty quickly, but the, uh, the guy that started the fight was just so old.
Uh…
[crowd laughs] When security descended upon him, I was just like, “Wait.” You know? Like, “Let him do it,” you know. [crowd laughs] It’s probably his last fight, you know. I’m sure it was. He was very old, and he was punching another guy, but he was… you know, he was making, like, old sounds as he was like… “Bughh…” Like, it was… [crowd laughing] Even the guy getting hit was like, “I don’t give a shit.” Like… “I don’t feel this.” And then… Then the older guy, he just kind of tuckered out, you know. He was, “Aww…” And he just… He just kind of faded. And then as security was escorting him up the aisle, I looked and I was like, “Oh, I think that’s a woman.”
Um… [chuckles]
[crowd laughing] It was the hair. You know how women will sometimes hit a certain age where they don’t want you to try to fuck them anymore, and… the hair goes first, you know. They just go… [buzzing] Then we all go, “Oh yeah. Don’t try to touch her. I got it.” This goes… [whooshes] The vagina closes, the hair goes, and we all go, “She’s off-limits.” So… Whoever it was, rest in peace.
Um…
[crowd laughs] I, uh… [chuckles] I just got back from my favorite place. I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.
[crowd cheering]
Yeah… it’s the greatest. It is the greatest. And… My phone knows that I love Italy, just like our phones know everything about us now. It was fun, I think about a decade ago, when we would like kind of debate, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if this thing was listening to everything we said?” And then now we’re like, “Oh yeah, this records everything.”
[crowd laughs]
Everything I say, text, think, it’s just there. Unless you’re one of these people who happens to believe, you’re like, “Oh yeah, you know, I was having a conversation with someone about a bread basket from Croatia in the 1700s, and then I opened my Gmail, and it was like, ‘You looking for a Croatian bread basket?'” [crowd laughs] You’re like, “Isn’t that a wild coincidence?” Well, yeah. I talk about Italy all the time, and every time I open my phone, social media is just Italy. It’s Italian landscapes, Italian recipes, Italian women’s feet, and I go “like, like, like,” right? [crowd laughs] But whenever I see landscape shots of Italy, there’s always a guy on a Vespa, you know? Those little scooters, and they’re zipping around, and they’re dreaming of marinara, or whatever they do. [crowd laughs] [vrooming] Yeah. And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa, internally to myself, I go, “That’s gay.” Right? [crowd laughing] But when you’re there and you see one, you’re like, “No one will know, right?”
[crowd laughing]
So I rented one, and… [crowd laughing] It was the single most joyful experience of my entire life, including the birth of my children. It was fucking amazing. I was making up reasons to take that thing out. I was just like, “We don’t have any butternut squash. I gotta go.” Couple days into it, I started making up a narrative in my head. I was like, “This is the same as a Harley. This is the same shit.” This is my hog. [vrooms] [crowd laughs] Another day went by, I was like, “I am getting one of these… as soon as I get back.” I started shopping online. “Do I want a blue one? Yeah.” “Do I want a basket? Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that.” And then I got back to the US of A, and within moments, I was like, “Oh, there’s not a fucking chance.” Like… [crowd laughs] “I’ll get beat to death at a red light… in one of these,” and that’s when you realize that Vespas are the pickleball of the motorbike world. They are…
[crowd laughs and applauds]
They just are.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah! It is simply a substitute for the real thing. Just say you suck at tennis, you fucking cuck. Like… Nobody wants to hear that you’re excelling at a make-believe sport. Now… “No, but it’s so social.” [mock babbling] [crowd laughs] “Anyone can do it.” That’s why you do it. You’re soft. Now… I did something very, very fun recently. I got to fly with the Blue Angels. I don’t know if you know what that is.
[cheering]
Oh, wow. Wow! For those of you that don’t know, that is the US Navy’s aerial show program. They put on shows all over our country that are unbelievable. These are elite fighter pilots that are flying in fighter jets 18 inches apart, and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts. And I went to the show, and it was amazing. Then afterwards, I met one of the organizers, and very casually, I was like, “Yeah, I wish I could go up in one of those.” They were like, “Yeah, you can.” And I go, “What the fuck, really?” [crowd laughs] They go, “Yeah, if you come to Pensacola, Florida.” And I was like, “Ugh!” [crowd laughing] “Okay.” So… I went. I went to Florida. I went to the base, and I met one of the pilots. This dude looked like he was designed in a lab, and then AI just shit him out, okay? This is one of the most beautiful men… I think about this guy every day, okay? [crowd laughs] My last thought before I go to bed at night is his jawline, and then I go, “Hmm… mm,” then I fall asleep. So I walk up to him, I go, “Hey, I’m Tom.” And he goes, “I’m Seven.” Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh…
[crowd laughing]
If you’re a seven, I’d hate to meet a ten, you know what I mean? So Seven tells me, “We’re gonna do some wild stuff up there.” “So don’t eat a lot, because if you eat a lot, you will definitely throw up.” And I go, “Oh, wow, what if I throw up?” He goes, “I’ll give you a little baggie, and you can puke in that.” I go, “Thanks, dog.” “What if I shit?” And he goes, “People don’t shit.”
[crowd laughing]
You don’t know who you’re talking to right now, do you? We went up for 45 minutes. We flew vertically, we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2, we pulled seven and a half Gs. It was the most thrilling 45 minutes of my entire life. But when I got back, I realized something. I realized that we are the only country on Earth where when you see a fleet of fighter jets approaching, you know something cool is gonna happen. [crowd laughing] It’s just us. [cheers and applause] Right? Like… Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500 to kick shit off, so that every asshole there can go… [chuckling] “Look at that.” “That’s fucking cool.” You’re like, “Yeah, here.” But if you’re in the Hindu Kush province of Afghanistan, and you see seven F-22s, you’re not like, “Oh, yeah, today’s the race.” [crowd laughing] You know, you just go… [grunts] And that’s it. That’s the last fucking sound you ever make before you hear… [puffs] And then… there goes your mom’s village. All right, so… [chants] USA… Now… [scattered whooping] Well, sure.
[cheering]
Why not? You know, I didn’t puke, and I didn’t shit, but… when I was in Houston about a month ago, I sharted. Here’s what happened. [crowd laughs] If you were gonna make a list of the best places to shart, and I don’t know why you would, but if you did, number one is the bathroom. And that’s where I was. I was in a public restroom, and I was at the urinal.
[crowd laughs]
I was just enjoying a delightful afternoon pee, you know? Like a 90-second one, you know, where your mind just kind of goes. Stream of consciousness takes over. You’re just lost, and like, “Are birds real, or are they honing devices? I don’t know.” “Jesus, how big were Aretha Franklin’s tits,” you know? You ever think about that? Everyone talks about Dolly Parton’s tits. Did you ever look at Aretha Franklin’s tits? It looked like she was nursing seal pups. It’s insane. If she couldn’t sing, she’d be serving lunch. You know what I mean? Those are some tits. So… [chuckles quietly] [crowd laughs] I’m pissing… and it’s great. My wife always gives me shit, by the way. She’s like, “You enjoy your bodily functions so much.” I’m like, “Just let me live my life.” I mean, I do like peeing. I like sneezing more. If you don’t enjoy an open-air, reckless, violent sneeze, you’re a fucking communist, okay?
[cheering]
It’s the best. Yeah, you know what I mean? No one’s around, you go… [loud babbling] One of those, and you’re like, “What the fuck?” “Don’t talk to me.” I love it. Coming’s the best, obviously. I’m not gonna argue that point. So, I go, coming, sneezing, nice pee, emergency shit, um… I really like stretching in bed right after I wake up, and then it sends you back to sleep, ’cause it feels like fentanyl. I don’t know. I like it. I like sitting on the couch on a Sunday and just a nice pinch and roll on my beanbag, you know? Just… [crowd laughs] [man whoops]
[scattered whistling]
[Tom sighs] “This is free? This is crazy.” [crowd laughing] “I wish it were Seven’s hand, but this feels good, you know?” A lot of ladies get jealous about that, and honestly, you shouldn’t. I’ve seen what you have there, and there’s plenty to pull, so you could also just… [crowd laughs] Tug on that taffy bag and see where it takes you.
[crowd laughs]
[Tom sighs] Yeah, and don’t you dare get insecure, okay? You ladies do that to each other. We never care. It could have teeth, and we try to get in there. We don’t care. All I’m saying is, ladies, I want you to leave here tonight knowing that you all have beautiful pussies, okay? Yeah, sure. [cheers rise] Oh yeah, absolutely. So I’m peeing, right? Um… And as I’m peeing, I feel something, you know, in the chamber. And I’m polite, so I do the polite thing. I… hmm… mmm… look around, and there’s nobody in there. So I tell myself, “It’s okay, buddy.” “Why don’t you give it a push?” And I did, and there was no sound. None. But there was movement. So now I have to check. Do you know how you have to check? You have to take your pants all the way down. Like a fucking toddler. I was like… So now I’m just Winnie the Pooh-ing it in a T-shirt. Like… “Hi.” “Hello.” My little dick’s hanging out. “Hello.” Then I look into my boxers, and I’m like, “Yep, I’m throwing those out.” And then I clean up, and then I leave the restroom. All my friends are waiting outside, and I tell them what happened. They’re like, “I don’t wanna know.” And I go, “I’m telling you.” And they go, “Well, stop.” I go, “I’m not. You already know now.” And in that exchange, something clicked. I put it together. I didn’t shart. I had simply shit my pants.
[crowd laughing]
Yeah. I mean… [scattered clapping] That’s an important distinction, right? A shart would imply that I had farted, and that there were some DVD extras in there. I took a shit with my pants on.
[crowd laughing]
It would be no different than if I were standing here like, “I think I’m gonna take a shit right now.” And then I just kept talking. So, it’s fucked with my confidence, but I’m back, baby. I am fucking back. Yes. [loud cheers and applause] Thank you. Also, let me tell you something. This is my sixth hour special, and I’m very, very grateful that I have this opportunity. Yeah.
[crowd cheering and whooping]
I tell people a lot, and it’s true, that I really didn’t think this was in the cards for me. I didn’t think about this ever when I started out in entertainment. I really thought the highlight of my career was many, many years ago when I booked the international campaign to be the spokesman for Subway. Now… that’s a real thing. That really happened to me. It took ten auditions. And when I got the call that I had booked this job, I had the same thought that many of you are probably having right now, which is, what about Jared, you know? [crowd laughs] Jared, the now former spokesman, was really prominent in advertising at this time. So when I got the call that I was the new spokesman, I asked them. I was like, “Wait, am I replacing Jared?” And they were like, “Fuck no.”
[crowd laughs]
See, if you don’t know this man’s story, he used to weigh 500 pounds, and he would go to his local Subway, and he would order a six-inch turkey sub, and he’d go on long walks. And over the course of several years, he lost nearly 300 pounds. Well, Subway did a one-time commercial that was so successful, they named him the permanent spokesman. But the problem was… [crowd laughs lightly] They could only use Jared to promote their healthy subs. And they needed someone… that looked like they could shit standing up, right?
[crowd laughs]
That’s where your boy came in. I was like, “Wait a minute, Jared’s gonna say, ‘Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'” “What am I gonna say?” They’re like, “You’re gonna say, ‘Don’t forget we have a meatball sub too.'” I was like, “Okay, I can do that.” But my next question was more relevant. I was like, “Wait, Jared plays himself. He’s Jared.” “Am I playing Tom, the comedian, in these commercials?” And they were like, “No, Jared will remain Jared.” “You, Tom, are gonna play his derelict brother who’s a mess and eats like a fucking raccoon.” [crowd laughs] I was like, “Okay, I can do that.” I go, “I’m a character.” They go, “Yes, you’re a character.” I go, “Great, what’s my name?” And they go, “Jerome.” I took a beat and I go, “That’s a Black guy’s name.”
[crowd laughs]
And I’ll never forget the chief marketing officer of Subway looked me dead in my face, and he goes, “Anybody can be named Jerome.” [crowd laughs] I go, “Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner.” “That’s a fucking white guy’s name, isn’t it?” He goes, “We’ll take your concerns back to the board.” Two weeks later, I am in New York City and I’m doing a wardrobe fitting to start shooting the commercials. This guy walks into my dressing room and he goes, “Hey, everybody agreed with your name issue.” And I go… [crowd laughs] “No shit.” “What’s the new name? Jeff, Jason?” He goes, “Jermaine.”
[crowd laughs]
I go, “That is way Blacker.” “Am I wearing gold fronts in these commercials?” He goes, “It’s settled.” I go, “Okay.” And then we shot commercials, you guys. We shot a bunch of commercials. Then we went on hiatus and we were gonna shoot six more commercials to launch this massive campaign. Well, the marketing guy resigned. A new guy came in, and he killed the ads. So I got the call. They go, “It’s over. These are never gonna air.” “You don’t get the contract. This is not happening.” And I got so depressed. I was like, “This was my big shot. It slipped through my fingers.” “I’m never gonna have another opportunity like this again.” I just couldn’t see the light. And then…
[light laughter rises]
About ten years went by. And one day I turned on the television, and our old buddy Jared was on TV too. Only it wasn’t a Subway commercial. It was the evening news. And they were reporting that Jared was being sentenced to 19 years in prison for child pornography. I dropped to my knees. “Thank you, Jesus.” “Thank you for taking that away. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.” “I will never do it again.” Because if that campaign had aired, it would have been ten years of us doing commercials together, being on billboards together, doing public appearances together. And the day that awful news dropped about him, all of you would have seen me on the street and been like, “Hey, Jermaine!”
[crowd laughing loudly]
I’d be like, “What? I’m Tom.” And you’d go, “Shut up, you Black piece of shit.”
[stifling chuckle]
[crowd laughing] [exclaims] And you’d go, “You fucking knew!” “You fucking knew!” I’d go, “I don’t know anything. I don’t know what to say.” “Eat fresh. I’m sorry.” So… I’m glad this worked out. This is way more fun. So thank you for being here, and…
[loud cheers and applause]
Yeah… I do still have his phone number, if you’re wondering. I did try sending him a link one time… to adult porn. Because I thought he wouldn’t like it, but… [Tom chuckling] Hey, did you guys know… did you know, that in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, at the naval prison that houses some of the most dangerous men on earth and also other people… who have never done anything. Did you know… Look it up. Did you know that the guards there are specially trained? Now, I know this because I went there. I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to do shows for fucking us. Yeah, for the troops. They weren’t like, “Here’s the 9/11 planners.” “Why don’t you give them a giggle?” That’d be insane if they’re like, “Get in there and you make Khalid Sheikh Mohammed laugh.” And I’m like, “What the fuck?”
[crowd laughing]
[pops lips] He’s like, “Ha, ha, ha. I like. He’s a funny guy.” So when you go to GITMO, you don’t just buy a ticket, right? You fly to Florida, and a military plane picks you up and they take you to the base, and you’re greeted by high-ranking naval officers, and they’re pretty formal. They go, “Thank you for coming. We’re excited for your show.” “We’ll put you in the housing unit. Let us know if you need anything.” You go, “Thanks very much.” And then they pass you off to some Marines who are a little different. And then first thing these guys said to me, they go, “You want to see some shit?” [crowd laughs] I go, “Yeah, fuck yeah, of course, yes.” So these guys put me in a Jeep, and they took me to a hilltop. They’re like, “You shouldn’t be up here. It’s classified.” I go, “You just fucking drove me here.”
[crowd laughs]
They’re like, “All right, good point.” They point to this white building. They go, “That’s level four.” “That’s what you see on the news.” I go, “Wow.” Then they tell me this fascinating insight. They tell me that the guards there are specially trained. So I assume they’re talking about Navy SEALs. They go, “No, they’re trained for their demeanor, how they carry themselves.” “What do you mean?” They said, “The prisoners often protest their imprisonment by throwing their feces and their urine in the guards’ faces.” And the guards are not allowed to retaliate. They’re only allowed to say two things back to the prisoner when that happens. They’re allowed to say, “Are you hungry?” Or, “Are you thirsty?” That’s it. And if the… [chuckles] If the guard… [stifling chuckle] It’s funny when you think about it. If the guard does retaliate, the guard can be court-martialed, meaning you can go to prison for retaliating against someone who threw shit and piss in your face. [crowd laughs] This is what it’s like to be the father of a six-year-old boy.
My son…
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, that’s called an A1 setup. That’s why I’m a big-time comedian. Sure.
[cheers and applause]
I have two sons. They’re both kind of dicks, but… The six-year-old, I walk into my house a couple weeks ago, he goes, “Hey, man.” He goes, “Pick me up.” I go, “Pick you up?” He goes, “Hold me.” He hasn’t asked me to hold him in like a year. I go, “You want me to hold you?” He goes, “Yeah, pick me up.” All right, so I pick him up. I’m looking at my baby boy. “You just want Dad to hold you?” He goes, “It feels good, man.”
[crowd laughs]
I go, “I like it too, buddy.” And then a moment later, I feel a hot, piercing, spreading sensation on my midsection. I go, “Are you peeing on me?” And he goes, “Yeah.”
[crowd laughs]
I wanted to hit him so bad.
[crowd laughs]
Like really hit him too, you know? Like… Like… knock his fucking teeth out of his mouth. But I didn’t. I dropped him.
[crowd laughs]
I go, “You hungry?” “You thirsty?” “Is that why you did that?” [loud cheers and laughter] This kid is insane. I mean, he hates his real name. And this is something that came about a few years ago. And when it first happened, I got kind of nervous. I did what you do in those situations. I asked other parents, and they were like, “It’s just a phase.” I go, “What?” “It’s a little phase.” “He’s going through a phase.” “A lot of kids don’t like their names. It’ll end in a little bit.” I was like, “It’s a phase? Do you know how long it’s been? About three years.” That isn’t so much a phase in my opinion as a new path. That’s where I think we are. His birth name is Julian. That’s what we’ve always called him. And that’s what he used to respond to because it’s his fucking name, right?
[crowd laughs]
He would also respond to variations of it. Julian, Juju, Jujito, Julian. And he’d be like, “Mm-hmm.” And then one day, about three years ago, I was like, “Hey, Julian.” He was like, “Don’t ever call me that. I hate that name.” “When you say that name, I want to die.” And I’m like, “Oh my God, okay.” So now this kid will only talk to us if we call him by his self-imposed name, which, buckle up…
[crowd laughs]
…is “Teacher.” [crowd laughing] Is there a creepier name… to use when addressing a small child? Like, “Hello, my teacher.” Is this The Shining? Because it feels like it. It feels like Jordan Peele’s next movie. Like a fucking kid from the woods that walks into town to follow Teacher and live long. And you’re like, “Okay.” You get it, right? I walk into my own house, and I go, “Is Teacher here?” And he goes, “Yes.” And I go, “Hello, sir.” And people have the balls to ask me. They’re like, “Are you worried?” Of course I’m fucking worried. [crowd laughs] The only other person I know that went by “Teacher” is Charles Manson. So yeah, I’m worried. He was a substitute teacher. Now… His older brother, he likes math. He likes video games. He’s an interesting kid. He also has the voice of somebody who gargles with butane. I don’t know what is happening. He’s nine years old. He’s like, “What’s up, bro?” I go, “Hey.” “How’s working in the mines? Is that fun?” He’s also bananas. If I say, “Let’s go out,” he’s like, “All right.” He’ll come in the living room wearing rain boots, tighty whities, and goggles. And I’m like, “Are you on shrooms right now?”
[crowd laughs]
“The only place you can wear that is a gay parade, and…” “No, it’s cool if you are, but there isn’t one today.” “So put some fucking clothes on, okay?” We took these two future subjects of America’s Most Wanted… [crowd laughs] Believe me, the Menendez brothers don’t have shit on the Segura brothers, okay? We took these little sociopaths to visit my sister last Thanksgiving in Florida. And on Thanksgiving Day, we did what a lot of families down there do. We just went on a family walk, like a nice casual stroll. And on this family walk, we ended up at a little pond. And at the pond, there were other families feeding bread to ducks. It looked like a painting. And I remember, as we approached, thinking to myself, “I wonder how my boys will ruin this.”
Right?
[crowd laughs] So we walk up, and this guy sees me. He goes, “Hey, man, you want some bread?” I go, “Yeah, thanks, dude.” And then I turn to fucking Teacher. [crowd laughing] [cheers and applause rising] I go, “Hey, Teach.” “Bread?” And he goes, “Give me that.” He’s just throwing it as hard as he can. I’m like, “All right.” Then I turned to his brother. “Here you go.” He goes, “I don’t want that.” I go, “What?” He goes, “I don’t need that.” Happy Thanksgiving.
[crowd laughs]
And then he just walks up to the edge of the water, and he grabs a duck by the neck. [crowd laughs] And he holds it up like he’s Genghis Khan, okay? He’s like… You know, the duck is like… [gruff quack] [crowd laughs] [shrill quacking] I look at Teacher, and Teacher’s like… [crowd laughs] I go, “What are you doing?” He goes, “We can cook it.” I go, “No, no.” “We’re all set today, pal.” He goes, “Can I keep it?” I go, “Of course not.” He goes, “You’re never fun.” I go, “Let it go.” And he goes, “Oh.” And then I turn and I see all the other parents who are like…
[gasps harshly]
[crowd laughing] I go, “He’s a foster kid. They’re bad, you know?” We’re trying to make him good for you guys. Yeah, well…
[cheering]
You know… [cheers and whistling] “We got him in Ukraine. He’s been a handful.” Um… [cackles] He’s blonde. They bought it. [crowd laughs] This tour has been a lot of fun. We’ve gone to a lot of fun places. You learn things sometimes when you travel. You pick up on things. A few weeks ago, we were in Augusta, Georgia, the Coke Zero of their cities.
And…
[crowd laughs] Augusta is quite famous, if you don’t know. It’s the home of Augusta National, which is a country club and golf course where they play arguably the most famous tournament in all of golf, appropriately titled, “The Masters.” It’s a curious name choice for the deep South. Now… [crowd laughing] Perhaps a different pronunciation when they named it? Mm-massa.
So…
[crowd laughs] I didn’t name it. It was built… The club was built in 1933 by what I would call top-shelf whites. The whitest whites. Whites so white, they sang white songs during their backswings. Like… I’m white…
[crowd laughs]
No rhythm or flow, more of a statement, you know? Now, the club is also notorious for having a very exclusionary past. They are not a big fan of “others.” So… we spent all day there, and I decided to look it up. I looked up, “When did they let in their first Black member?” And I’ll give you guys a hint. It’s later than you think. [crowd laughs] Are you ready? 1990. [crowd groans] Yeah, they waited.
[crowd laughs]
They were like… [in Southern accent] “Maybe things’ll go back to the way they were. I don’t know.” “You don’t want to act too fast.” “You don’t put on a raincoat just ’cause it’s drizzlin’.” “You know what I’m saying, brother?” [crowd laughs] [Tom chuckles] [no accent] Then I looked up, “When did they let in their first female member?” [blows raspberry] 2012. [crowd laughs] That’s how much women ruin a good time for men.
[crowd laughing]
[cheers and applause]
[Tom scoffs] I mean, you get it, right? They went to the most racist guys in our country. Guys who their whole lives was just about hating Black people with everything inside of them. And when those guys were presented with the question, “Whom would you rather hang out with?” [scattered laughter] [in Southern accent] “Black guys… or women?” They were like, “Mmm… Give us all the Blacks you got.” [crowd laughs] “We will learn their fancy handshakes. I don’t give a fuck.” “I don’t want some broad yapping in my ear, ruining my Sunday round.” “Uh-uh. Come on, Jermaine, let me show you how we do this.”
[crowd laughing and whooping]
“Get you a tee.” [cheers and applause] “What’s with all the dancing? You gonna do that after every hole?” “I got me a birdie.” All right, so… [no accent] Are you… [laughs] Are you fans of documentaries? Do you like watching them? Because I… [scattered cheers] I love them. I love being filled with the confidence of surface-level knowledge without the burden of reading, you know? And so I’ve lost track. I’ve seen so many now. Sometimes they’re quite informative. Other times they’re just amusing. I mean, the funniest thing I’ve seen in a year is a Netflix documentary series called Untold, which focuses on sports stories, yeah. And there’s one in particular on there. It’s about a guy named Johnny Manziel.
Now…
[scattered whooping]
If you’re in this theater and you do not know who Johnny Manziel is, I will now use my time to tell you. [crowd laughs] Johnny Manziel is the first and only redshirt freshman to win the Heisman Trophy. That’s the highest honor in college football. It goes to the nation’s best player. Redshirt freshman simply means he was 18 months removed from high school when he didn’t just play this sport, he dominated it. And when you watch this documentary, you will learn that he did this while mostly high and drunk. Like, pretty fucked up.
[crowd laughs]
The best is they interview all his former shit-kicking Texas-based coaches, who are like, “Yeah, man, he would come to practice. He’d be all shit-faced.” And we would say, “Johnny, you better not fuck this up.” “And then he didn’t. He was awesome.” And you’re like, wait, what?
[crowd laughs]
[Tom scoffing] He was playing nationally televised games every Saturday with millions of viewers, either drunk, high, or hungover, just on the sidelines. [retching] And his coaches are like, “Johnny!” And he was like, “Watch this shit, six touchdowns.” You’re like, “Holy shit!” “Give him more drugs. This is working.” He wins the Heisman. Sophomore year, he comes back, he’s trying new things, he’s sprinkling dust on his shit, you know? He’s evolving. He plays amazing. Again, he almost wins it back-to-back. Then he goes into the NFL to play professionally. And they’re like, “You need to clean up your act.” And he was like, “I don’t wanna play football anymore.” And… that’s the whole story. Now…
[crowd laughs]
To me, his story is more than that, because for me, in my personal life, I use his story as one that… where I can see I’ve evolved some. See, I used to judge him very harshly. A lot of people do. All they see is a blown opportunity. But the older I’ve gotten, I see it through a different lens. I realize that’s a lot of pressure for a young man to have. A lot of people in their thirties, forties, and fifties can’t handle that, let alone a freshman in college. You know, the celebrity, the fame, the money… And so now I do the thing that you do if you can. You put yourself in someone else’s shoes. And I can do that. I was once a freshman in college. I wasn’t dominating college football. I was going to class, and I was working part-time at a shopping cart manufacturer.
[crowd laughs]
A place that makes shopping carts. Here’s how cool that job was. I went in there once on a Monday, and I went up to my boss. I go, “I think I’m gonna quit on Friday.” And he goes, “Yeah, a lot of people do.”
[crowd laughing]
Okay. And then on Friday, he goes, “Yeah, you’re done.” I go, “Okay, great.” Then he tells me, “Hey, kid, a lot of people here like you.” “Let’s go to the bar down the street and we’ll toast you to whatever you do next.” I go, “Okay, I’m underage, but let’s do it.” So we went, you know. People from the office came. They were so nice. They gave me good luck cards, little gifts and such. And then one of them gave me a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey, which was definitely meant to be a parting gift. You know, like, “Take this with you.” And I was like, “I’ll just drink it here at the bar.”
[crowd laughs]
Bartender’s like, “You can’t do that.” I go, “I can’t hear you.” I’m just gonna do it. How can I make fun of Johnny for not being able to handle millions? I can’t handle a free fucking bottle of booze. And let me tell you something, if you don’t drink whiskey, if you start… If you tip back the bottle three or four times, your brain actually goes, “Hey, there’s too many lights on in here.” Beep, bop, boop. [crowd laughs] And you go, “I wanna do bad shit.”
[crowd laughing]
I started taking people’s change that was on the bar. I was like, “That’s my shit, fuck you.” [crowd laughs] My friends were like, “Hey, calm down.” I go, “You fucking calm down.” Then I ended up going home with a lady who had a most unfortunate face. Yeah. [crowd laughs] You think I’m being mean, but I know I’m being honest. That’s why we’re here. [scattered laughter] I blacked out, thankfully. Um… Some of you never blacked out. Congratulations on your healthy lifestyle choices. But… the rest of us know it is horrifying. I mean, I remember I woke up that next morning. I was looking out a window into a yard I didn’t recognize. And I was like, “Where am I?” “And what is this?”
[crowd laughs]
And then I turned over, and this fucking gargoyle appeared. [crowd laughs] And I audibly gasped in her face. You understand? Like, I’m here. And I went… “Ohh!”
[crowd laughs]
Ahh! And she was used to it. She was like, “I know. I know.” [crowd laughing] “You’re not the first fella to do that.” She looked like Bill Belichick, the former… Patriots coach. Picture him with shoulder-length, brown hair. Same face, same body. I was like, “Put the fucking hoodie on. I don’t want to see this.” And then I left there, you guys, feeling tremendous shame. I told you I was a freshman in college. I was taking Psychology 101. We had talked about shame. You know what they teach you about shame? They teach you that shame thrives in secret. If you feel shame about anything, you should confide it in at least one other person to help release the feeling. But if you keep it inside, it festers and grows, and it can consume you. And I remember thinking back then, “How fascinating.” “I feel shame and I know what to do.” “Tell someone.” And then I thought, “Fuck that.”
[crowd laughs]
“I will die with this secret… and bury it under pizza.” And as I was doing that, I remember getting a call from a guy who was at that bar the night before. He goes, “Hey, man, where did you go after the bar?” And I said, “I went home.” And he goes, “Did ya?”
[crowd laughs]
I go, “Yeah.” He goes, “I don’t think you did.” I go, “No, I did.” And he goes, “Mm, you didn’t.” [crowd laughs] I go, “What are you talking about?” He goes, “We can stop doing this.” “I’ll tell you what you did.” I go, “Okay, what did I do?” And he goes, “Dude, you fucked my aunt.” [crowd groaning and laughing] [crowd reactions rising] [cheers and applause] I say, “Your aunt is Bill Belichick?” [crowd laughs] He goes, “Yeah.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “I’m sorry.” He goes, “No, I’m sorry.” He goes, “I don’t wanna fuck any of my aunts, but Bill is definitely last on that list.” [chuckles] I switched to weed that day. Sometimes you watch documentaries, and it’s a whole different experience. Like, it’s just enlightening. You get information that you can’t let go of. It just sits in your mind. You tell people about it. It’s in your dreams. I mean, I watched one not long ago that if I had not watched it, I would have no idea how much cocaine Hitler did.
[crowd laughs]
No idea. Like, everybody knows the Third Reich was on meth. You know that, right? The entire German army. They were on meth during World War II. Picture that. A hundred thousand German soldiers marching through the Ardennes Forest. Supposed to take six days, and they did it in 28 minutes. That’s meth.
[crowd laughs]
Imagine you’re sitting in a cabin in Belgium just drinking fucking milk, I guess… [speaking French] And you hear… [shouts in German] And you’re like, “Holy shit.” [speaking French] I mean, that’s meth… You been around somebody on meth? I have. It’s unsettling. They never stop talking. They want to fuck everything. And those are Americans. Can you imagine what these kinky-ass Germans were like? Just…
[crowd laughs]
Mmm… “Oh… I want you to suck me dry–” “Hey!” “Gunther, back off.” Now, Hitler did meth too. It’s very well documented. A lot of people don’t know he was given cocaine in the mornings by his personal doctor. Like, you think Michael Jackson’s doctor was out of line? That was propofol to go to sleep. That’s JV shit, okay? Like, “I want to go to sleep.” “Oh, fuck.”
[crowd laughs]
Hitler would wake up, and then his doctor was like, “Good morning, my Führer.” And fucking… [snorts] And then he was like, “Ah, Jews!” [crowd laughing] Dude, to start your day with an eight ball and a heart full of hatred is wild. [crowd laughs] Here’s what I really want to know. Why am I learning about this at 46? I feel like every little kid should know this. Kindergartners should come up to all of us and be like, “You know how much cocaine Hitler did?”
[crowd laughs]
You don’t think that’s the best deterrent story for a kid? I do. When I was a kid, they’d go, “Don’t do coke.” And you’d go, “Why?” And they’re like, “That’s what rock stars do.” And you’re like, “Oh, okay.” [crowd laughs] “You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?” And they’re like, “Yes, they’re up till 6:00 a.m., and they’re shaving their bodies…” [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
“…and they’re fucking girls.” “Is that what you want to do?” And you’d be like, “Boo!” “Anybody else do coke?” “Yeah, Martin Scorsese.” You’re like, “Yeah, that fucking worked out.” “How about a bad guy?” “Uh-uh, we don’t have any.” Well, there is this one. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. His name is Adolf fucking Hitler. He was doing mountains of coke. By the way, he was having the same dumb conversations your friends have. He was just having them about war. He was like, “We should go to Stalingrad in December.”
[crowd laughing]
“Haha, and we’ll fuck them up, hahaha!” [crowd laughing] “Hey! Look at my mustache. I cut off the sides.” [crowd laughs] [cheers rising]
[cheers and applause]
“You guys want to see my art? It’s pretty good.” “It’s mostly me choking ducks. Look at this shit.” [crowd laughs] “You think Mussolini likes me?” All right, well… No, it should be said. He was a real knucklehead. [stifling chuckle] Cool accent, though. Ja! [crowd laughs] See, I’ve always had a fascination with languages. So, if you don’t know, half my family is from South America. They’re from Peru. I’ve been going there… Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
I’ve been going there my whole life. My relatives have been visiting me my whole life. Did you know that every time one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me, they always say the same sentence incorrectly, and they have for over 30 years. One of them… during their visit, one of them will come up to me and go… [in Peruvian accent] “Tommy. Um… I have to, uh… make a shit.” [crowd laughs] And I go, “I understand.” If you speak any Spanish, you realize what’s happening. It’s a literal translation. Because in Spanish, you would say, “hacer,” which is “to make,” which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers, it is exactly what you are doing. You are, in fact, making shit. I always correct them to be polite. “We don’t say that here.” “Here, we say I have to take… a shit.” And they always go, “Why?”
[crowd laughs]
“I will not take it anywhere.” [crowd laughs] I go, “Yeah, your logic is sound, but… if you keep saying, ‘I’m making shit in the toilet,’ someone’s gonna call the cops, so just follow my lead.” See, if you’re at this show, you speak the world’s language. The world’s language is English. Most of you, like me, did absolutely nothing to learn it. You were just born. And the rest of the world tries so hard just to communicate with us, just to participate with us, and then we mock them to their face for trying. [crowd laughs] Isn’t that great? The whole world goes, “Um, how do you say…” and we go… [babbling] [crowd laughs] “Listen to this fucking idiot.”
[crowd laughs]
Like you did something. “I do not know…” [babbling] “Shut up, stupid.” It’s like his eighth language. Some redneck’s like, “You don’t fucking talk good.” “Fucking don’t talk so much.” And you’re like, “Yeah.” “Yeah, what he said, for sure.” You can do that if you want. You can mock people who have not mastered what you have. It’s rude. With language, you’re gonna hurt people’s feelings. You know what everybody enjoys everywhere? I swear, everywhere. If you can do an accent well, people treat you like you’re a goddamn magician. They love it. Go try it at work. On Monday, just go to work and be like…
[in British accent] “Hello, mate.”
[crowd laughs] “Would you like a biscuit with your tea?” Someone in your office is gonna go, “No-uh.” I mean, you can do all the… Walk around… [laughing in French accent] “Would you like a croissant with your coffee?” “Would you like to mange my anus?” Whatever, say whatever you want. And you can do all the accents. Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer, because that’s the most fun one to do.
Um…
[crowd laughs] You’ll continue to do that when you’re alone, and with friends, and with family, and… in the shower, and in the car, and with lovers, because there’s nothing better, but you can’t do it, you know? You can do a little. You can do a note. It’s sort of like you can walk up to a piano and you can hit a key, right? You can be in public and go, like… [in random Asian accent] “Oh…” Like that.
[crowd laughs]
You know. People still get jumpy. They’ll be like, “What the fuck are you doing?” [crowd laughs] You can’t go the whole way. You can’t be like, “I would like to…” [babbling in random Asian accent] You can’t. I did it to show you, but you can’t do that. [crowd laughs] If you want to have fun with an Asian person speaking, and you’re not Asian, what you should do is simply learn how to say something in an Asian language. Then you’re repeating words. You’re allowed to do that. I’ve been working on this Mandarin. [scattered laughter] [Tom sighs] It’s rough, but… [chuckles] Here we go. [clears throat]
[chuckles]
[crowd laughs] [speaking Mandarin] [continues phrase] [crowd laughs] [cheers and applause] Thank you. That means, “Kill my daughter. She is worthless.” Because they prefer boys, you know what I mean? Like… Another girl, throw her against the tree. Now… I did that joke in Hong Kong, and it did not land.
So…
[crowd laughs] Yeah, they hate trees, but… [crowd laughs] I don’t know how I’d react. I have boys, but… I don’t even know whose credit that is. Is that mine? Is that my wife’s? I mean, she can take a load…
Um…
[crowd groans and laughs] Between the legs. What I’m saying is… I get blow jobs, but I get married blow jobs. Them ain’t like single-life blow jobs. Married blow jobs kind of remind me… You ever watch your dog… on a hot day get some water from its bowl? And then it looks at you between licks. You know? It’s like… [crowd laughing] You’re like, “Yeah, that feels good, that’s nice. Very nice.” “Are you done?” “Yeah, I didn’t want to come. Thanks, that was fun.” [crowd laughs] I still remember the good old days, yeah. Yeah, I have old VHS tapes back here, and they’re a little grainy, but if I close my eyes, I can still see those sweet, sweet angels from my twenties who made sounds like they were fighting for their life. You know, just… [retching] [hoarse gagging] You know those blow jobs where you almost stop to see if she’s okay? [crowd laughs] You don’t, ’cause you don’t care. [crowd laughs] You’re like, “I like that you’re suffering. This is cool.” [mimics spitting] [crowd laughs] What, you don’t have memories? Okay.
[crowd laughs]
[Tom sighs] I like a finger up the butt. [crowd laughs] Let’s be clear. I don’t want to be excavated, okay? [crowd laughs] I just like a little, you know… A little Steve Aoki. “What’s this button do?” [making DJ mixtape noises] Prime the pump, don’t frack the crack. You’re with me, right? Yeah. You like that, sir? Yes. The ‘stache gives it away. I knew you were in. You? Fuck yeah, all the culture’s up front. I polled my entire inner circle of close friends, and they were all like, “Fuck, no.” “I don’t like that. That shit is gay.” And I was like, “Well, have you ever considered trying it with a woman?”
[crowd laughs]
That’s not gay. Maybe stop having your brother do it, weirdo, and… “Hurry up before dad gets home.” [crowd laughing] This is what you learn over the course of a lifetime about sex. You learn that men and women, we both lie about sex. We just lie in opposite directions. Men exaggerate their exploits and their interests simply because they live to impress women. It’s the truth. It’s stupid, and it’s simple, and it’s true. Every woman in here, at some point, you’ll meet a guy like, “I like it all.” “Step on my nuts,” and, um… You know, “Cut my nipples open.” [crowd laughs] “Set me on fire.” And then you’re like, “Okay…” [crowd laughs] “He seems fun.”
[crowd laughs]
Then you get him in bed. What happens? He’s like, “Is that a match? I don’t feel safe. I wanna call…” “Oh, right, sure. Okay.” He’s a fucking liar. He’s a liar. Now, women do the opposite lie. Women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex, but I’ll defend you. I think you do it for a very good reason. The reason a lot of women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex is they have a very real and valid fear that some men will shame them for enjoying some of the same things that they enjoy. Isn’t that right, ladies? [women cheering and clapping] All right, so there’s like 30 whores here. That’s crazy.
[crowd laughs]
[Tom chuckles] I’m kidding. [snickering] I’m kidding. Thank you for cheering. [crowd laughs] Then, you know, I think about, like, things that happen in my own life, and I realize that these theories are true. I remember I had a roommate one time, and we both knew this beautiful girl named Nicole. And one day, my roommate goes, “Oh, I hooked up with Nicole.” And I go, “Oh, really?” And then he said something super weird and gross, and I apologize in advance, but he was like, he goes, “Yeah, man, her puss…”
[snorts, chuckles]
[crowd laughing] He made sounds, which also made it way worse, you know? He was like, “Mm.” I was like, “Oh!” He was like, “It was so snuggly warm, you know?” “I wanted to take a nap in there,” and I was like, “What?” He’s like, “Yeah, mmm! Felt so good.” He goes, “It felt like a blanket that was lined with butter.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [crowd laughs] And then I dated her for two months after that. [crowd laughs] You know why? ‘Cause I like butter too, sir.
So…
[crowd laughs] One day I’m with her. I guess I’m feeling insecure. I bring it up. I go, “It’s kind of weird you’ve hooked up with my roommate.” And she goes, “What?” I go, “Yeah.” She goes, “I’ve never touched your roommate.” I go, “Really?” She goes, “Hell no.” I go, “Okay.” So I go back to my place. I go, “Hey, man, she said you guys never hooked up.” And he goes, “Oh yeah, that’s true.” [crowd laughs] I go, “I should have known from the buttered-blanket pussy line.”
[crowd laughs]
I go, “Why would you tell me that?” He goes, “Who cares” and turned on the TV. That was our whole conversation about it. Years later, I was dating another woman and we were talking about sex, like the topic of sex. And I brought up threesomes. I go, “Have you ever had a threesome?” You know what she said? She goes… I go, “I didn’t ask, ‘Did you remember to take your Adderall today?'” “Have you had sex with two other people at the same time?” She goes, “Not really.” I go, “‘Not really’? Was one of them an amputee?” ‘Cause that still counts. [crowd laughs] And she goes, “Well, here’s the thing.” I go, “This is a ‘here’s the thing’?” She goes, “Yes, technically I was in one, but I was sunburned.” And I go, “What the fuck?”
[crowd laughs]
She goes, “I was in there, but didn’t really participate ’cause my sunburn was killing me.” I go, “This is insane women’s-only logic you got going on right now.” She goes, “How about you?” I go, “I blew four guys, but I had poison ivy, so it doesn’t count either.” [crowd laughs] Just… [cheers and applause] [people in crowd whistling] She was an absolute whore. And… she’s dead. [scattered groans and laughter] Probably. You know, I’ve been thinking about killing my wife.
Um…
[crowd laughs] I’ve been talking about it too. Mostly with my wife. [chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
It’s her fault. She started it. We were in the house one day, and she just lobs this at me. She goes, “How easily do you think you could kill me with your bare hands?” I go, “Uh, very.” [crowd laughs] She goes, “Really?” I go, “It wouldn’t even be a little bit hard.” [crowd laughs] She goes, “No!” And I go, “Yeah.” “I’m not saying I’m a badass. I’m saying I can kill you with little to no effort.” Now this shit comes up all the time. Like, whenever we’re together. We were in New York. We were waiting for the subway, just standing there. And at one point I was like, “Oh, I could fucking… [crowd laughs] …shove you off of that platform right now.” And she looks, she goes, “I would die.” I go, “No shit.” [crowd laughs] Then she goes, “You shouldn’t.” I go, “What?” She goes, “There’s cameras here, and there’s people everywhere.” “You’re gonna get caught.” [crowd laughs] I was like, “Yeah, good looking out. Okay.”
[crowd laughs]
We went to Hawaii. We were on a hike just on this cliff’s edge. And at one point I put my hands on her shoulders. I go, “You know, if I wanted to, I could… [grunts] …throw you off.” And she looks. She goes, “I would die.” I go, “You’re getting good at this. Yeah.” [crowd laughs] I go, “Of course I’m not going to. There’s rocks.” “Your body would be exposed. There’d be detectives everywhere.” “It would fuck up my day. I’m not doing it.” I go, “But if you look down there, I don’t see any rocks.” “Over there, the tide would take you out.” “And then I would have an awesome week in Hawaii.” [crowd laughs] And then we kissed.
[inhales deeply]
[crowd laughing]
I guess that’s love, right? Yeah, but she’s alive. [light laughter] Isn’t she? Yeah. You know, we’ve been together, I think 63 years now, and… You get to that point in your relationship where you’re like, “I’m riding it out with this one, right?” But you can’t help sometimes to think about who it could have been. Don’t you ever play that game? You think back and you think about one, you’re like, “Oof, Jesus, I really dodged a bullet there.” Then you think about another one, “That could have been cool.” You think about all of them.
I had one hit me the other day. I was remembering that I studied abroad. I did a semester in Madrid. I remembered one time an American classmate of mine came up to me, and he goes, “Hey, I’m going to Tunisia this weekend, North Africa.” “Do you wanna come?” And I go, “Not really, no.” Then he called me out. He goes, “When will you have the chance to see a place like that after such a short flight?” “You really should go.” And I thanked him. I said, “You’re right, I’m coming.” We went. We went to Tunisia. We checked into a hotel. We see this beautiful woman in the lobby. We approach her together, but we’re gentlemen. I go, “Hey, we’re American students. We’re studying in Spain.” “We’re here for the weekend.” She goes, “I’m French.” “I’m traveling alone. I’m looking for heroin today.”
[crowd laughs]
And my friend goes, “She’s yours.” And then he just… walked away. And I was like, “Let’s see where it goes,” you know? We rode camels, you know, we tried to score some H. [chuckles] Then we’re in her room later. And we’re making out, it’s starting to heat up. And I wanna make this very clear to everybody. I stop her, and I go, “I gotta tell you something.” “I don’t have a condom and, no offense…” [chuckling] “…I think I need one.”
[crowd laughs]
She goes, “You don’t need a condom.” I go, “Ah…” “Okay.” So… [crowd laughs] You said so, and I’m dumb. So we did what we did. And then I go back to my room, and my friend’s there. He goes, “Where have you been?” I go, “The French girl. I just hooked up with her.” And his first question, he goes, “You have a condom?” And I go, “No.” And his face dropped. And he goes, “You’re gonna die.” [crowd laughs] And I go, “I am gonna die.” I didn’t sleep one second. In the morning, I go downstairs for breakfast, for fucking Tunisian breakfast. It was like dates and hummus. I was like, “You’re gonna eat this first thing and wash it down with coffee?” “You’re gonna shit some memories out right now.” [crowd laughs] So I ate, I shat, and I saw her. She knew something was up. She’s like, “What is wrong?” I go, “Last night, we did what we did, and we didn’t use protection.” And she goes, “That’s okay.” And I go… [chuckling dryly] “No, it’s not.” And she goes, “It’s okay because I take medicine.” [softly] I go, “Why do you take medicine?”
[crowd laughs]
“Is your T cell count like 12 or something?” [crowd laughs] She goes, “I take medicine to not make babies.” I go, “The pill?” [laughing] “You think I’m worried…” [crowd laughs] “…about getting you pregnant?” “How would you even find me?” [crowd laughs] “You just gonna write a letter?” “Dear America…” [crowd laughs] “A man calling himself Big Daddy Kane fucked me…”
[crowd laughs]
“…in North Africa.” And she goes, “Calm down.” I go, “I can’t!” This woman reached into her purse and pulled out pills. I didn’t even ask what they were. I was just like… “What was that, vitamin C?” She goes, “Xanax. You just ate three Xanax.” “And now you’re gonna relax, you big baby.” And like a minute later, I go, “Mm-hmm.”
[crowd laughs]
“I am relaxed.” And then we went up to her room, and we had unprotected sex again. And that’s how I got AIDS. I don’t know. Um… [crowd laughs] I’ve never been tested. And guess what, guys? I’m not gonna be. Because it’s better not to know. At this point, I’ve got it. My wife’s got it. The boys have got it. Seven’s got it.
[crowd laughing]
Oh yeah, for sure.
[cheers and applause]
Bill Belichick definitely has it. But you know what? I feel good skinny. So thank you, AIDS, and thank you, Milwaukee. You guys were the best. Thanks very much.
[crowd cheering]
Have a great night. Thank you.
[’90s hip-hop music playing]
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop track continues]
[crowd fades]
[music continues]
[music ends]
