Tim Dillon: This Is Your Country (2024)
Genre: Comedy, Stand-up
Director: N/A
Writers: N/A
Stars: Tim Dillon
Comedian Tim Dillon engages with everyday Americans, discussing topics such as cryptocurrency, OnlyFans, and other outrageous issues they face in this unscripted comedy special.
* * *
Hello, pigs. I think we can all agree that America is a rotting corpse of an empire and we live in hell. So when Netflix gave us a bunch of money to make a… whatever-the-fuck-we’re-doing about the election, we figured, why waste our time talking to politicians? Let’s talk to the food-poisoned, drug-addicted sex criminals who live here.
[crowd cheering]
Yeah!
[Tim Dillon] Come on. My name is Tim Dillon, and regrettably, This Is Your Country.
[cheering]
[1980’s-style synth theme playing]
Why is it your business if your cousin wants to pop her P for cash? Kill that Canadian bitch after the fucking show.
[chanting] USA! USA! One coffee a day, not two or three.
Okay, Hitler.
[crowd laughing] If you love her, pay her. Thank you! You know why? It’s the greatest country in the world.
[crowd applauding, cheering]
[chanting] Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
[cheering continues]
[music fades]
He massages BBLs on OnlyFans for a living, but he’s here to tell his girlfriend he also is a porn star.
[crowd whooping]
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome William to the show.
[funky synth music playing]
[crowd cheering] [indistinct chatter]
William, how are you?
[William] Yes. I’m doing amazing. You massage Brazilian butt lifts for a living. Yes, I do. And you do that on OnlyFans? I do that on OnlyFans, and I do that for my job as well. And do you do any other type of massage? I mean, I’m trained in all areas, but I focus on the… the glutes. [scattered laughing] What is it? Is it like kneading a good sourdough?
What is…
[laughs] In fact, know what, William? Why don’t you just show us?
No problem.
Bring out the BBL.
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Bring out the BBL, baby! William, I want you to stand up, and I want you to walk the audience through a BBL massage.
[William] Definitely. Definitely. Well, this… this might be pre-BBL.
[crowd laughing]
Gotta lube it up or moisturize it up, put a little bit in your hands, and then you want to just slowly caress. Is there any special technique other than what I… what we just saw, really, is you just kind of grabbing an ass.
[William] Yes. [crowd laughing] So as you’re massaging it, you want to just check in with them, you know, from time to time, ask them, “Hey, how’s it doing?” “You want more pressure?” Sometimes, you know, they’ll moan instead of saying yes, so…
[Tim] Right. You know, when they moan, they’ll probably moan like, “Oh, yes. Yes!” Does your girlfriend have any issue with you doing this specific type of massage? Unfortunately, my girlfriend does have a huge issue with it.
Yeah. [laughs]
But I try to explain to her… That’s shocking that she has a big… I’m trying to explain to her, “This is what I was born to do.”
[Tim] That’s right.
I was put on Earth to do this.
That’s right. To do this.
[crowd cheering]
He knows what he wants. Now, listen, you didn’t fly here just to show people, “Here’s how to massage an ass that we bought at the Halloween store.” [scattered chuckling] Okay? I’m kidding, this couple let us borrow it, you know? What, uh… [laughing] You’re here to confess to your girlfriend that you used to do porn. Yeah.
[boisterous cheering]
[crowd chanting] Bring her out!
William… Bring her out! Bring her out!
All right, ladies and gentlemen…
[chanting fades] please welcome Shireiny to the show.
[cheering]
Are you fucking kidding me? Yo, three years. Three years of this fucking bullshit I gotta deal with you. This shit is fucking crazy and mad embarrassing. Shireiny, what is… What is making you, uh, upset? What’s making me upset is he be around ass and titties all day. Like, do you not have enough at home? It’s a job.
All right, well, get another job!
It’s a job. Get another job! Why don’t you go fucking work at Target? Huh?
You got the outfit for it.
Target.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
[William] What a comedienne. What a jokester. Little jokester. How would you feel if I was around dick all day? Huh? Dick in my face all day? Well, William is here to tell you something. William, this is your moment of truth.
[William sighs] I used to do… I did porn. What?
[crowd gasping]
No.
It was in the past.
Y’all pranking me, right? Nah.
It was in the past. It was… It’s… Can you be more specific by “porn?” What do you mean by porn? I recorded myself having sex with women. That does sound like porn. [crowd laughing] And you brought me here to tell me that? I want to come clean, to put everything on the table. I wanna just start fresh. I’m gonna sit over here, ’cause I’m disgusted right now.
[Tim] Wow.
[crowd cheering]
William, William… Why didn’t you tell me that when we met? Because if you can’t handle… If you can’t handle me doing massages, I know for a fact you could not handle me doing porn. Come on now. If you can’t handle him at his BBL massage, you don’t deserve him at his, uh, porn.
[crowd chuckling]
There’s somebody else who’s been listening as well. It’s not just your beautiful girlfriend here.
What? He got another girl?
[Tim] No, hold on. Well, yes and no. [crowd] Ooh…
[Tim] Yes and no.
Nah. Ladies and gentlemen, William’s mother is backstage.
[crowd cheering, laughing]
And she probably has a few opinions. Please welcome Sata, everybody! [crowd cheering] Hey, Mama! [William] Yo… Well, fill her in, William, for what’s been going on. [William exhaling] Yo, this is crazy.
[Shireiny] Shit is crazy.
I, uh… Yo, what the hell? I came clean to Shireiny about me doing porn.
You knew he used to do porn?
Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Wait a second. Doing porn?
Yes. I did porn.
Not OnlyFans, porn porn.
Same thing.
Having sex? It’s not. It’s the… Yes. It was, like, three years ago.
[man] He’s still doing it!
[woman] Liar! William, when did you stop? When did you stop doing porn? -Wait a second. I’m sorry.
[Tim] Yeah. You went to school… Right. …to do film.
[crowd laughing]
I’m not understanding. I bought you all the equipment.
I bought you cameras.
I know. I bought you lights, I bought you booms, I bought you the stuff. I’m not understanding. I make a really good living. Can you tell us how much money you’re making doing this? Six figures. ‘Cause I’m not only doing the porn, I can… I shoot the porn, I edit the porn. I’m knee-deep in this porn industry.
[crowd applauding]
Yeah!
Whoo! Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. What’s your porn name? It’s “Long Willy.”
[crowd laughing]
Long… [laughs] Sata, your son is a very enterprising young man… I wanna say this. Kim Kardashian, she had a sex tape. Look…
That was a secret sex tape.
[William] Wait! She had a sex tape.
A billionaire off a sex tape.
[Tim] That’s a good point.
That’s a good point for William.
[William] Come on.
Kim Kardashian…
Thank you. …that is our most successful whore.
Yes.
[Tim] That is a very good point. Can you stand up, sir? Now, you watch porn.
Let me ask you a question.
[laughing] How do you feel about a young man doing porn and making money from it?
I think he’s an entrepreneur.
My man. If you had a child, would you mind if they did porn? I wouldn’t let them do porn.
[Shireiny] Exactly.
So you…
Do you find that a little hypocritical?
Yeah.
But you wouldn’t let your child do porn?
[laughing] No. But you watch a lot of fucking porn. I mean, if people went on your laptop right now, they wouldn’t be able to sleep, let’s be honest. And it’s not regular porn. It’s women’s heads going through glass tables, it’s bad. You can’t cum unless someone’s bleeding. Let’s be honest. The things that are on your laptop… All right, sit down before the FBI gets here. Uh… Are you massaging anyone right now on OnlyFans that you had sex with in the past? Potentially. Yeah.
What?
Shireiny.
In the past. In the past. Yes.
Are you kidding me? You should not be dealing with no girl you slept with whether it’s work or not. It does not matter. So if I was a doctor and she was dying, I can’t… “Sorry, we had sex, I can’t save your life. Gotta die.”
No! Let the bitch die.
It doesn’t work like that.
You let the bitch die.
[Tim] I do see William’s point. I do see William’s point. If you were massaging a woman’s ass to life and being paid for it on OnlyFans, I understand. How many people in this audience think they should rise above this and just stay together?
Yeah!
[scattered applause] That’s a fair amount. How many people in this audience think that Shireiny has the right to say “fuck you”? [loud cheering] William, there’s one more thing that you have to do right now. One more thing you have to say before God, before this country, before your mother, before your beautiful girlfriend, and we’re going to give you a chance to say it right now. -Oh my God. I’m scared now.
[exhaling] Shit, bro.
Let me get up. I gotta get up for this.
Where you going? [exhales] I will beat you up if you come over here and try to hug me, like… Look, look, look, look. [sighs] Look, babe, we done been through a lot, and you always been there for me at my lowest, you know? When I’m down there massaging women, my hands may be on their ass, but my eyes are always on you.
You’re full of shit.
You know?
You know?
[applause]
You’re a fool. If you go for this, you’re a fool. And you’re about to cry, you’re crazy. And I know, I know my dick is out there on the Internet. Little Willy. It’s not Little Willy. But, look, babe. This might be the craziest thing I ever did, man. [exhales]
I want to be…
What?
[crowd cheering]
I want to be…
I want to be your porn star.
No. I want to be your porn star for the rest of my life. There’s no way that she’s gonna accept that.
Close that. No way.
Will you marry me?
You’re crazy.
I wanna be your porn star. [screaming] Yeah!
[Tim] Give it up for them. Give it up for them.
That is a happy couple.
[crowd applauding]
[Tim] That is a beautiful… That is love. OnlyFans? How about OnlyFam? Come on! Come on, hug it out! Hug it out! Everybody get up. Come on, Mom, this is beautiful. You’ve got your son, your daughter-in-law. Thank you, guys, so much. Look at that. That’s love. That’s love. That’s what love is about. Love is… There’s a power in that. How you feel about that? What do you think? I thought it was gross.
‘Cause they were Black?
[crowd laughs]
No! No. Orange County is one of the most racist places in the entire world, and it’s a little disgusting to have this white bitch judge these beautiful people. It’s wrong. I don’t like it. I… I wish you would have taken another thing. And now, he immigrated to this country 35 years ago, and now he wants to get the hell out of here unless his son can convince him to stay. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Sergio.
[upbeat synth music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] There he is, Sergio.
Sergio, welcome to the show.
Thank you. Is there anything or anyone that could convince you to stay in this country? Nah. I, uh, I have decided that America is not the American Dream for me no more.
And I’m ready to get out of here.
Yeah. Yeah.
I’m out of here, you know?
Okay, now, why… why do you say that? Uh, to me, it’s not the same country anymore. You have to have a high-speed Internet, you have to pay extra gigabytes on your phone if you go over. Yes. So you’re going over on the phone. Even the American people have to pay extra. So your problem really is a data plan. [crowd laughing] So if we just bring you to Verizon, you might stay? But you sound like you want to self-deport. Uh… [laughs]
[Tim] Which is…
We might say that. I think what’s holding me to stay here is my family.
[Tim] That’s right.
But, uh, you know, my sons.
Yes. I was not made in China, I was made in Mexico. They were born in USA.
[Tim] Oh, interesting.
[giggles] [chuckles] So you said… [all laughing] So you said you were not made in China, you were made in Mexico.
I was made in Mexico.
And those kids were born in the USA. What a fucked-up song that is, you know?
[crowd laughing]
If anybody can convince you to stay, it is your son, and he’s going to tell you why he wants you to stay in America. Give it up for Luis, everybody.
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Give it up for Luis.
[crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! USA! [continues chanting]
[Tim] That’s right.
[chanting fades] Luis, what do you love about America? I mean, we have football, all the American sports. -Yeah, okay.
All the money you can make.
[Tim] That’s right.
Women.
That’s right. Okay.
[man cheering] Yeah!
That’s right. This guy. Stand up for a minute, because you agree with him. Will you stand up? Let’s stand up for a minute. The Unabomber wants to say a few words here. Now, you agreed, when Luis was talking about how much money you can make, and the women… What do you say to him? Well, honestly, I’m about women, but I’m not necessarily about America. And I mean, the ladies down South… [crowd booing] [man] I mean, I’m not anti-America.
I’m, like, I’m neutral.
Come on. Come on, let him… Hold on, let him… let him finish. Now, the ladies… What do you mean, “The ladies down South”? Muy caliente. I got you. All right.
Now, you are with this lovely man.
Yes, this is my boyfriend.
That’s your boyfriend.
Yeah. When… Stand up for a minute. When… When he says he likes these muy caliente ladies from down South, how does that make you feel? I mean, like, power to him, he’s with me right now, you know. I enjoy him and everything, but, you know, if he was ever to meet one of these ladies and he wanted to do that, I’d be, you know…
More power to him.
[scattered cheers] Look what a great country this is. Look how understanding these two homeless people are about each other’s sexual proclivities. There’s… [chuckling] There’s no other country in the world where you’ll have an unhoused couple like this crawl out of their tent, go to a Tim Dillon taping and say, “Honey, you can fuck whoever you want as long as you steal some canned food and bring it back to this tent at night.” I mean, look at these two. This is what America is about.
[crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! This is what America is about. This Orange County couple is so fucking scared right now. Knife them after the show. Run up on them and knife ’em. Take their fucking BMW and their fucking sailboat or whatever. Well, is anyone an immigrant in this audience? Okay, we want to hear from immigrants, especially this white woman who’s lying about it. [crowd laughing] She better have a real fucking Ukrainian accent when I get up to this fucking woman. Hold on, where did you come from? Canada.
[crowd jeering]
[chanting] USA! USA! USA! [chanting fades]
Kill that Canadian bitch after the fucking show, okay? You fucking… These tweakers are going to light you on fire after this fucking show. These extras from Breaking Bad, these monsters. We paid for their STD check before they came here. This free clinic where we got these people. Sir, you’re a different color. [crowd laughing] Where… Yeah, stand up. Stand up. Where do you come from? Uh, I was born here. Enough with this! That’s not what I mean. I mean in the racist way.
Like the Orange County people would say.
Oh. Where does your family come from? Mexico. Both from Mexico. And look how… And you are thriving here. I actually love it here, yeah.
What do you do for a living?
Customer support for education tech. Kill yourself. Here’s the thing… I cannot find one reason to keep this man in this shithole of a country. I cannot. I believe we have a patriot who will come out here and convince Sergio once and for all that this is the greatest country in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bandit to the show.
[applause, cheering]
[Tim] Give it up for Bandit! Give it up for Bandit! Take a seat. USA!
[crowd chanting] USA! USA! USA! What you two should do, I’m not kidding, is get with him later and do some fun home invasions. You know what I mean? Bandit, do you feel freer in America than you would be other places? [Bandit] Of course, Tim. Of course I do. I mean, there’s… sure… Okay, you have a few options, right? Mainly, at least for me, Britain and Canada. I don’t wanna go to Canada because they’re not real. That’s mooses pretending to be people. Well, you’re a person pretending to be a dog. This is true. I would get along great with them. Now, Sergio, just look at Bandit and tell him what could be possibly wrong with this country? [Bandit] What’s wrong with America? Look at this person, who I will not gender. Look at this person, Sergio. What could possibly be wrong with this country? Look, if you want to look for an apartment, you have to pay the first, the last, plus deposit. Six hundred eighty score to get the apartment.
You have that?
That is true. He’s bringing up a good point about the apartment rental process, Bandit. Which I don’t think you have been in. Uh, just a hunch. [Bandit] That’s America, baby. Money flows, dude. If you ain’t ready to pay to have an apartment, why… Don’t go to one! Luis, you seem very uncomfortable.
[crowd laughing]
[Tim] You seem incredibly uncomfortable right now. Take a look at this. This is… There it is. Sergio, yes. I think he makes more money standing at a corner with a sign. Moving it. [laughing] That’s not a bad point. Bandit, make your last plea to Sergio. You’re the one we brought on this stage because you exemplify what America is in its current moment. [Bandit] Sergio, I beg you. Stay here. We can go to Target together. We can go get a Java Chip Frappé, we can walk through the park, have a wonderful time. Maybe fall in love. I don’t know. It’s the land of opportunity. I would love for you to stay here with us and be a part of this great, beautiful nation. Give it up for Bandit, everyone, that’s a great…
[crowd applauding]
Sergio, are you gonna stay, or are you gonna go? What is it? Uh… There is, uh, nothing that make me stay. I’m leaving. And I’m leaving America. The American Dream, it’s over. [crowd booing] I’m telling you, I’m out of here. I’m out of here, you know?
[crowd chanting] Adios! Adios!
That’s… That’s the way he feels. Give it up for Sergio,
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Luis, Bandit, everybody. Thank them so much. Give it up for them. Give it up. Thank you, guys. It’d be hilarious if you remove the dog head and it was RFK. [imitating Kennedy] “I’m going to dress up like a dog on Netflix because I want to be the President of the United States.”
[crowd laughing]
Up now, she’s a body-positive feel-good fun type. Her mom is an overbearing almond witch that wants to control what goes in her body. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s meet Livi.
[crowd cheering]
[funky synth music playing] Livi, baby. How are you? Thank you for coming, Livi. How are you?
I’m good. How are you?
I’m doing good.
So your mom gets on your nerves.
Yes. What is the problem? She comments on every single thing I eat, she comments on me working out, anything I put into my body, my coffee. What do you do to your coffee? Okay, I put syrups in my coff… I do an iced vanilla latte. There’s nothing wrong… What kind of syrups do you put in your coffee? Like, just vanilla. Just vanilla? How much? How many pumps?
Like, four pumps.
[Tim] We pump it up?
[Livi] We pump it up! Yes!
Do we pump it up?
She pumps it up.
Yes! Four pumps. Pump it up. And not half pumps. You make them at Starbucks, slam on that bitch. -Full pumps. Yes. Fuck yeah.
Slam it. Full pumps. Okay. So now, your mother, what does she do for a living?
She’s a Pilates instructor.
She’s a Pilates instructor.
[Livi] Yes. Yes, she is.
[crowd] Ooh.
[Livi] Yes.
[Tim] And she…
[Livi] Yeah.
And she is on your case. And do you stand up for yourself and your rights as an American? You know what? I try my best. I do tell her to, like, fuck off. “Mom, fuck off.” “I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m an adult.” Can she hear you over the drive-thru speaker?
No, no… No. She can’t.
[Tim] That’s the problem. I have OCD, I have anxie… I’m a normal girl, I have anxiety. And she’s like, “It’s all the fucking Starbucks you drink.” “That’s what’s giving you anxiety. The vanilla syrup.” Now, what does… how does OCD manifest in your life?
Um, I like to touch things.
Okay. And, like, three times.
You touch something three times?
Yeah. And then eat it?
No, I don’t eat it. No!
[crowd laughing] My mom told you to say that. My mom told you to say that. You love your mother, but you want her to butt out. I want her to butt out. Get the fuck out of my fridge. Get the fuck out of your fridge. Because… Because there’s no room.
Now…
[Livi] No. [crowd laughing] Let’s… Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to meet Livi’s mom, everybody?
[cheering]
[chanting] Bring her out!
[Tim] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dena! [cheering] There she is.
They love you. They love you.
[Tim] Dena! Dena, Dena, Dena, how are you?
I’m good.
[Tim] Welcome to the show. So you’re… Basically, you’re asking your daughter, “I just want you to make healthier decisions.”
Absolutely.
What the fuck is wrong with you? [crowd laughing] I don’t think she’s old enough to make decisions. -Okay, what?
Okay. -[crowd booing]
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
[Dena] Wait. If I wanna eat a fucking donut, I wanna eat a fucking donut, you don’t need to tell me what to do. I’m 25. Since I was a child, I don’t know any life that’s not like this.
Oh, that’s…
Oh, shut the fuck up. You know. Yeah. [crowd] Oh! [jeering]
No, it’s so true.
[Tim] Ladies. No, imagine being five and she’s yelling at you about Oreos.
Imagine being five and that happened.
We didn’t have them. Well, you didn’t… You… You… You didn’t have Oreos?
No.
Well, she found them.
[Livi] No, I did.
[crowd laughing]
[Tim] She found them.
Yeah. You have a list of foods you don’t want her to eat?
[Dena] I do.
Take it out. Take the list out, Dena. Take the list out. Take the list out right now. [laughing] No. First one, coffee with syrups is horrible for your body. Only… Only…
No, there is no way. No way.
There we go. Only according to doctors. [laughing] But here’s Livi’s point, “Life’s short, pump it up.”
Exactly. That’s what I said.
[Tim] Oh!
[crowd cheering]
No. Life’s short and with those pumps, even shorter, but here’s the point… You can have one coffee a day, not two or three.
No syrups.
One coffee a day with no syrup. Okay, Hitler.
Go on.
Literally.
[laughing]
[Tim] Go on. I would like her to give up everything white.
[crowd booing]
[Tim] Wait a minute, hold on. Sugar, flour, pasta, bread, rice, cheese.
[Tim] Okay.
[Dena] Dairy.
[booing continues]
[Tim] What would be a happy medium? She’s not gonna give up everything white. Can you propose something slightly realistic here? She should be able to give up white for two weeks.
White for two weeks.
[Dena] Yeah. You know what’s gonna happen after two weeks? She’s gonna have a white party. She’s gonna go crazy. Do you think it’s wrong to try to micromanage your adult daughter’s diet?
[crowd] Yes! No. No. Not if I’m worried about her well-being. But are you worried about her well-being or your well-being?
[crowd applauding]
Exactly.
[Tim] Oh, Dena! [Livi] ‘Cause she’s projecting. It’s not like she is going to your house and forcing you to put vanilla in your coffee.
I’ve never done it. Never done that.
[Tim] Right? Does she show up and try to face-fuck you with sourdough bread? [laughing]
[Tim] No.
Never done that. She’s not doing that ’cause she’s not sharing her food. Now listen to me… There’s nothing… Dena, let’s trim the fat. What do you really want your daughter to… [laughing]
It’s not that funny. It’s not that funny.
[Tim] Stand up here.
Stand up.
All right. You need an almond mom.
I do.
Me and you… Let’s be honest. Me and you need Dena, we need Dena to follow us around.
Do you have a mother?
I do.
Does she butt into your life?
She does. I wish she’d fuck off. Yeah. [crowd laughing]
[crowd applauding]
Dena, let’s be honest. You heard it there, he wants you to fuck off. Sir, now, what do you think about this? Do you have children? Uh, not yet. All right, sit down. You know, I, uh… [laughing]
[Tim] Nobody gives a shit. Can you stand up? Stand up. Now, this man shot President Trump. So I want to ask you, what do you think about these people?
I did not shoot Trump.
Okay.
[laughing]
[man 2] What do I think about ’em? Do you have any opinion? You’re a young man, white, what do you think? Uh, I don’t know, I think talking shit about your mom is crazy.
[crowd agreeing]
I… [man in crowd] Yeah! Dena. Do you think it’s possible that for the sake of your daughter’s health, that you could ease up a little bit?
I will try.
[Tim] “I will try.” Well, we have some good news, Dena. You’re about to have your first test. Me and your daughter are feeling slightly frisky. And we would like to have a little snack.
It’s a healthy snack.
Okay. It’s from an organic, healthy… place. Okay?
Let’s see if you can do it.
Okay. Please bring out the healthy snack. [crowd cheering]
[Dena] Just not the cherries.
[Livi] No, you gotta eat the cherries.
The cherries are bad for you.
Now, listen… Listen to me.
She’s pissed.
Do you feel triggered right now? [laughing]
[Tim] Now…
I want you to try. Dena, get in here.
Okay.
[Tim] Get in here a little bit. Give it a shot.
Give it a shot, Dena.
Don’t want the strawberry. Is this mint or pistachio? Who the fuck knows? [crowd laughing]
Mmm.
This is mint. This is mint.
Give it up. Have a little bit!
This is mint.
Come on, Mom! Get in there!
Come on! It’s good.
Go, Mom.
[Tim yelling] Come on! [crowd cheering]
Eat the cherry! Get it. Eat the cherry!
Dena! Dena! Dena! [chanting] Dena! Dena!
[Livi] Eat the cherry!
Guys, give it up for Livi and Dena! Give it up for them, everybody! [crowd cheering] Thank you so much. That’s $10,000 of Netflix’s money. That’s… This was the last season of House of Cards they didn’t make. [laughing] I appreciate that. A round of applause again for Dena and Livi, everybody.
[crowd cheering]
That goes right to the homeless. Take that outside to the homeless encampment right now. I’m still trying to process this row. This row is a wild row, I like this row. This is a wild row. This white guy is so scared in the middle of this row right now, he has no idea what happened. You just landed in the middle of a Kamala Harris rally. You have no idea what’s going on. This white guy is terrified, but he’s also aroused, and that’s what it’s about. That’s America right now. Are we ready to meet some new, fun people? [crowd whooping, cheering] He said she’s turned her back on God and sold her soul to OnlyFans. But what he really wants is her to collaborate on YouTube with him again. Welcome to Gen Z hell. Everybody, welcome Christian.
[upbeat synth music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Christian, come out. Thank you. Sit down.
Christian, take a seat.
Thank you.
Thank you. Hello.
Take a seat, Christian. Now, you used to collaborate a lot with your cousin Bela. -Yes, I did.
On YouTube. Yes. She was like my best friend, we grew up together. I’ve known her since, you know, I was a baby.
[Tim] You’ve known her since you were a baby?
She’s on YouTube.
Yes. Disrespecting men. What is that? Can you define that? So, she’ll post a video and be like, you know, “Hey,” you know, “cuss word,” um, “give me some money,” you know. Like, disrespects them and asks for money, and then they’ll actually send it, kind of like a gold digger, but, you know, online. So you don’t think that’s a good use of her time? Um… [sighs] Honestly, I think she should do what we used to do.
Like, different types of content.
What did you used to do? We used to do just normal challenge videos, you know, a basic…
[crowd booing]
[Tim] Christian. Nobody wants you and your cousin doing fucking challenge videos. Okay, my bad, my bad. They would rather her doing findom or whatever she’s doing on YouTube.
That’s right.
[Christian] My bad.
My bad.
[crowd cheering] Should we bring her out? Should we meet her, everybody?
[cheering loudly]
[Tim] Should we meet her?
[crowd chanting] Bring her out! Bring her out! Bring her out! Let’s bring out Bela, everybody.
[crowd cheering, whooping]
Hi. He says only God, she says OnlyFans. Now, Bela, what is the beef? What is his problem? He has a different perspective on how I make my money because, you know, his parents still pay his bills.
[Tim] Whoa!
What? Wait.
[crowd jeering]
Whoa, Christian.
[Christian] Wait. [chuckles] Mommy and Daddy don’t pay my bills, so… That’s right. Men on the Internet do. Now… [scattered laughter] What do you do to, uh, get these men to pay? Bully them. My mom’s literally subscribed to my OnlyFans to keep me accountable. I don’t post anything inappropriate. Your mom is subscribed to your OnlyFans to keep you accountable? [Bela] Yeah. That should have been the title of the segment. Now… [laughing] Now, Christian, why is it your business if your cousin wants to pop her P for cash? Um… Uh, you know, I care about her and I look out for her, I love her, she’s, like, my best friend, like, I want to be involved. -I want the best for her.
If you love her, pay her. [crowd cheering] -Thank you.
All right, fine. Fine! I don’t do anything inappropriate, I don’t talk dirty, I don’t sell my body. I literally bully them.
They just like to be degraded.
Mm… How long do you plan on making money like this? I make 20K a month off these guys, so until that goes away… Whoa.
[Christian] What?
[Tim] Wow. Now, get up for a minute. Get up. Let’s be honest, both of you. Now, you’re a subscriber.
Is it…
[Christian] Wait, what? Is it weird to see her in real life? [chuckles]
No.
Yeah, now, what do you think about this? Who do you think is right here? The… You know, I don’t even know which, but, you know, what’s going on?
20K a month is good. I’d… I’d say her.
[Bela] Thank you. Okay, what do you think about this? Her too.
Okay. Thank you.
Right. Thank you. It’s the Charlottesville Riot. Thank you, guys, for coming here. This is such a weird Gen Z fucking problem.
Know what I mean? I get it.
This is normal! You don’t want her to do fucking OnlyFans, but you want her to waste time with you, do YouTube, that’s the worst argument.
Thank you.
[Tim] You know what I mean? You’re not offering her a better alternative. Okay. Um, we could play Minecraft, Fortnite…
[Tim] Oh my God.
[crowd booing]
Oh my God, dude, no.
[Christian] What? Boo!
[Tim] No Minecraft.
Where’s the money? Can you stand up, sir? Can you stand up? You got an erection when you heard the word “Minecraft.” [crowd laughing] Now, Fortnite is… Now, let me… Will you play Fortnite with this guy so he doesn’t bother this woman? He seems a bit boring.
Yeah.
Yeah. It’s crazy to ask… Are you a gamer?
Not particularly.
Really? Yeah. OnlyFans is more fun than gaming, it seems. Okay, all right. Would you subscribe?
How much is it a month?
[Bela] I’ll bully you! I don’t want to be bullied, no. You don’t wanna be bullied? He had enough of it in high school. All right. [crowd applauding] Come here, what do you think? Are you… Who do you… Are you… Will you stand up for Christian? No one will. What do you think? I will stand for my family. And them both are my family.
That’s my cousin!
Oh, this is your cousin? Really? [Bela] That’s my cousin!
So who do you… Who do you agree with?
[crowd booing]
[cousin] Listen, as family…
Pick a side! As family goes, we like to stick together, so I don’t want to choose both. But make your money. Respectfully.
All right. That’s fair.
[Bela] Thank you! That’s fair.
All right, that’s fair.
He gets it. Bela, is there anything, is there any way that you would stop doing OnlyFans? No. All right. Give it up for Bela and Christian, everybody. Clap it up for them. They should both go to jail.
[crowd booing]
[Tim] I’ve never met a more… I’ve never met a more hateable person. All right. I’ve never met a more hateable person. All right. [crowd continues booing] I hope the homeless attack them on the way out. I hope… I hope their skin is stripped off their body, one by one. I’m kidding. They’re cute. What are you gonna do? I mean… And now, he’s here to tell his wife he lost $200,000 on NFTs, but don’t worry, he’s still a true believer. Let’s meet Francesco, everybody.
[upbeat synth music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Yeah!
What’s up?
[Tim] Francesco. Francesco, you look like every friend I had who lost money on NFTs. [Tim laughs] Tell us what happened. Well, the first NFT that I invested in was a… was a picture of a 3D monkey.
Was it the Bored Ape?
It was a derivative of that.
It was a derivative?
Yes. So, it wasn’t the Bored Ape Yacht Club, it was a knockoff…
[crowd booing]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Jesus Christ. Hold on. This guy’s out here baring his soul.
[laughing]
Now, how much… do you go and lose with NFTs after it’s all said and done? So, you know, after we were buying and selling and, you know, doing all that, I was in the hole about 200 grand, you know, by the end of it [crowd] Ooh. Okay. And your wife does not know this? No, she has no clue that I lost that much money, yeah.
Yeah. [chuckles]
[crowd] Ooh. How do you think she’s gonna react when you tell her? Well, my wife actually does have a finance background, and she works for a big financial institution, and she’s been telling me that this is not a… wasn’t a good idea for a long time. You know, for sure. So, wait a minute. Your wife, with the financial background, was telling you that this was not a good idea? No. And you still dumped $200,000 of family money into the… To be fair, $200,000 was what I lost. I dumped a lot more than that into it.
[Tim] Okay, all right. All right. To be… If we’re gonna be honest, air out our dirty laundry.
[Tim] Okay, that’s fine. All right, everybody, are you guys ready?
[crowd cheering]
[chanting] Bring her out! This show is all about getting honest. Bring her out! Bring her out!
That’s right.
Bring her out! Bring her out! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lindsey!
[crowd cheering]
[Lindsey laughing]
[Tim] Lindsey, welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. Lindsey, well… Aw… [laughing] Oh, Lindsey, Lindsey, Lindsey. Welcome to the show. Congratulations. Thank you. How many months are you? Eight months. Wow. Give her a round of applause, everybody. Congratulations.
[cheering]
[Tim] Congratulations. And you’re aware that your husband got into crypto and NFTs. What’d you think about that at the time? You know, I… I feel it’s kind of bullshit.
Um, it’s…
[crowd cheering] [Lindsey laughing] Your husband brought you here because he wants to confess something.
Oh God.
To you.
Okay.
And we’re gonna let him take it away. Um… Yeah, so… [crowd laughing, jeering] You know, so, you know, we’re having, you know, another child, you know. -Yeah.
And, uh… I wanted to make sure that, you know, we came clean about everything
in our financial situation.
Uh-huh. Our financial… Uh, you know, the story of our financials, you know… [exhales sharply]
You sound like Joe Biden.
Yeah. [laughing]
I, you know… Yeah, I got out. Yeah.
[woman] Spit it out already! [crowd jeering] So… [crowd chanting] Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out!
[chanting fades]
So, you know, to come clean, um… I did lose, uh, you know, around $200,000 of our money in that. What? [crowd] Ooh! I did lose about… about that amount. However…
However…
Wait. Wait a minute. You know, there are new opportunities. You know, there are new coins. [crowd laughing] So it… it… it… So there’s these new coins called shitcoins now.
Babe.
And…
[Tim] Hold on. Hold on. Let’s… Let’s give your wife Lindsey a minute to just deal with what you just said before you start pitching her on shitcoins, you psychopath. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean… [Lindsey] Hold on. Two hundred thousand dollars?
Yep.
Are you insane?
Are you insane?
[sighing] Two hundred thousand dollars? Only when what you do… You know, when people say what you do is crazy, only then are you doing enough. That’s what I live by, that’s my…
[Lindsey] Babe.
That’s my, like… [crowd booing] Two hundred thousand dollars? Wait a minute, what Gary Vaynerchuk quote is that? Come here for a second. If this guy… If anyone will agree with you, it’s gonna be someone like this here. Come here, let me… You look pretty sympathetic to this. Do you support… This is a guy you’d do coke with in Miami. Now, what are you… When you hear this guy, what do you think? He lost $200,000, how do you feel? All right, admittedly, I did trade crypto. [crowd laughing, cheering] Wait a minute, we are… we are shocked. You could have opted into, like, a Roth IRA, you could have put your money into a trust, government bonds. Those pay out so well, in, like, 30 years. You would have been set up for retirement. [crowd booing] All right, sit down. Sit down. This guy’s cucking for JPMorgan on the show, that’s not what we want. I got him up because I thought he was going to be cool and on Molly and shit. And then he’s talking about fucking Roth IRAs. Your husband’s a lot cooler than this fucking guy.
I’m telling you right now.
He’s not. Will you… Can you… Can you please just weigh in here because you look like a scumbag. Is there any way… Can you please back this guy up? Is there any… I mean, you understand, right?
It could have gone up.
[Lindsey] Do not do it. I wish I could, I don’t think he has it. I think you got to switch turns. Let her handle the finances. You handle the children, seems you’re more capable of that.
What do you… Oh-ho-ho-ho. Wait a minute.
[crowd] Oh! Is there anyone who will support this guy?
Is there any guy who will? Or woman?
No.
Yeah.
Yeah, stand up. Thank you, guy. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so mu… You look like a character witness in a rape trial. [crowd laughing] I mean, Jesus Christ. [laughs] Hey, it was a tough year. You were trying to do something good for your family. You were trying to make an investment. This is America. And the dream can happen. Listen, Lindsey, American Psycho makes a good point. I mean, even on the way here, I see this fucking hamster, with, like, money popping off of it. And I’m like, “What is that?”
Hamster Kombat. Big crypto.
What is that?
Hamster Kombat.
That’s the shit I don’t want to see. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. Hamster Kombat? Hamster Kombat. Yes.
This sounds kinda badass.
[Francesco] It’s pretty good. Wait a minute. Hold on. What… Is it hamsters that kind of fight? No! It’s one hamster.
And all it does is…
She doesn’t understand. He just hits it and little money signs pop up. No, but I like this. Go on about this. Now… No, no, no, you judgmental cunts. Now, listen to me, this… This is a hamster and what happens? Well, the hamster, it just appears out of thin air, the more you touch it, the more you… the more you click on it, and then it becomes a CEO, -and you can buy a Lambo with the ham…
[crowd booing] Lindsey, you see this hamster on the plane, what do you think? Right. I’m like, “Okay, what the hell are you doing?” I’m like, “Turn the phone. Let me see the phone.” “Let me see the phone.” Know what it was?
It was…
A woodchuck? It was two cartoon women called, “Twerk-something,” and the more you press it, the bigger their butts grow. [crowd laughing, cheering] It’s a mini-game that’s part of Hamster Kombat. So to answer your question, to answer your question, what I would like is to not ever see any of this shit again. Francesco, will you promise to your beautiful pregnant wife right now that you will not play… Mm-hmm. …with hamsters, penguins, apes, or big-butted women? If that’s what it takes to keep you…
[crowd jeering]
If that’s what it takes… if that… If… If… If it’s my wife or the crypto, I would choose my wife. All right, give them a round of applause. Let’s give them a round of applause. Lindsey, do you accept this? I’ll believe it when I see it. All right. Well, give her a big hug. Give her a big hug and a kiss.
Come on.
[crowd applauding]
[Tim] That’s your hamster right there.
That’s your big hamster.
[Francesco] I love you. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Lindsey and Francesco, everybody.
Give them a round of applause.
[crowd cheering]
[Tim] Give ’em a round of applause. Thank you guys so much for coming on. Good luck. Francesco, I have some opportunities for you later. We’ll figure it out. We’ll talk. Well, after what we’ve seen here tonight, we can only come to one conclusion. Harvey Weinstein is innocent.
[shocked laughter]
I’m kidding. I’m kidding. The American people are very sick and there’s not much we can do about it. There’s not enough prisons to house them, and we can’t send them all to fight China. So, what can we do? We can keep feeding them and paying them for sex. Thank you for watching, and register to vote! Good night!
[cheering]
[upbeat synth music playing] Are you willing to twerk for Kamala? Twerk for Kamala right now. Twerk for Kamala. That’s not twerking. That’s not twerk. That’s horrible. -You say you’re a magician, right?
Yeah. So pull the rabbit out of the hat and follow the White Rabbit for the truth. Okay, that was terrible. But the point is this… It was absolutely terrible.
Freedom…
[crowd] Yeah. [crowd jeering] How… How fucking stupid is the entire… I mean, this is amazing. These women are treating you like a piñata, but you’re allowing it to… That’s… And it’s not because you’re Mexican. It’s not because you’re Mexican. Oh, Mom! So… your boys, you would not manage as much, but if your daughter became a fatty boom-batty, you would…
You would get involved?
I’d be pretty upset.
Maya, are you in a relationship now?
I am.
And what type of man are you with now?
A provider.
A generous man.
A generous man. Okay.
And how old is he?
He’s 84. He’s 84. [crowd cheering] He’s 84 years…
[crowd whooping]
He’s… How creepy are white people? I’m not a gold-digging whore, but I am a size queen, and the fact that you can cross your legs like that,
I don’t have the time.
[crowd] Oh! Oh! Jose! Jose! I mean… Right?
You’re saying he’s got a pussy?
Yes. Kill John McCain! Kill John McCain! [all chanting] Kill John McCain! Kill John McCain!
