The Roast of Kevin Hart (2026) – Transcript

 

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

It’s The Roast of Kevin Hart. And Philly is definitely in the house. Please welcome the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gillis.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[instrumental rendition of “War” playing]

[music concludes]

Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart, live in Los Angeles, where we’re… Yeah. [audience cheering, applauding]

Where we’re here to celebrate a guy we used to like in a city that was once important. [audience laughing]

[Shane] Kevin will be out in a minute.

I’m sure he’s backstage fucking shadowboxing, or doing a group prayer or whatever the fuck he does.

I’m your extremely white host, Shane Gillis.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

White hosts, yeah. [chuckles] Big applause, all right.

I’d, uh… I’d just like to thank Netflix for choosing me to host this celebration of Black excellence.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Look, I’m not saying there’s a lot of Black people here tonight, but backstage a production assistant asked me what color drank I want in my dressing room.

[audience laughing]

[Shane] Chose purple.

I’m gonna be setting the tone, but to help us with the rhythm, please welcome Philadelphia’s own, the legendary, Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Welcome, everyone, to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[“Yeah!” intro playing]

[Usher] ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ [laughs]

Kev, we about to roast your ass.

♪ Yeah, yeah, L.A. ♪

♪ The world ♪

[“Caught Up” playing] -♪ I’m the kind of brother ♪

♪ Who can do it in my way ♪

♪ Getting my bread for years In my career ♪

♪ And every lover, y’all ♪

♪ In and out my life, I’ve hit, love And left in tears without a care ♪

♪ Until I met this girl… ♪

♪ Met this girl… ♪

How you doing?

♪ Who turned the tables around ♪

♪ Tables around ♪

♪ She caught me by surprise and I ♪

♪ Never thought I’d be the one breaking down ♪

[Usher] What up, baby?

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I can’t figure it out, I’m so ♪

♪ Caught up ♪

♪ Got me feelin’ it ♪

♪ Caught up ♪

♪ I don’t know what it is But it seems she’s got me twisted ♪

♪ I’m so ♪ -♪ Caught up ♪

♪ Got me feelin’ it ♪

♪ Caught up ♪

♪ I’m losing control, this girl’s gotta… ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[Usher chuckles] ♪ Oh ♪

Let’s welcome… Let’s welcome Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart.

[chuckles] Yeah! What I’d tell you?

[song concludes] [Kevin] Yeah!

Yes!

Yeah! Yeah! [Usher] I don’t understand.

Why? [“Burn” intro playing]

See, it’s burning me to hold on to this.

I know this is somethin’ I gotta do, but I don’t know why you chose to do this.

What you about to do?

You see, your friends stand with you at your best.

What?

[Usher] But tonight, I’m gonna need you to have a seat, ’cause we gonna talk about your worst.

You gonna go with that? Okay.

[Usher] That’s right, Kevin.

It’s time to let it burn. Go ahead, go ahead.

♪ It’s gon’ burn for me to say this But it’s comin’ from my heart ♪

♪ Said I watched your last stand up And not a single funny part ♪

♪ I really hoped you’d work it out But the soul had left the plane ♪

♪ No matter the script Every role you take, it feels the same ♪

What the fuck are you doing?

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I should stay in this great friendship? ‘Cause we ain’t laughin’, Kevin ♪

♪ It keeps happenin’, Kevin ♪

♪ Plus, Netflix ain’t always Gonna take that bail shit bullshit ♪

♪ I think that you should ♪

♪ Watchin’ Kevin Ain’t the same for nobody ♪

What the fuck are you doing?

♪ When they go to commercial ♪

♪ Had to do a roast ‘Cause them jokes ain’t crackin’ ♪

♪ Like they used to Look at what money does to you ♪

Yeah! ♪ Let it burn, let it burn ♪

♪ Deep down you know you cooked And we ’bout to roast you ♪

♪ Startin’ with them baby slacks And baby shoes ♪

♪ Yeah, you know that you blowing When your movies do too ♪

♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Let it burn ♪

♪ Brake it down ♪

[Usher vocalizing]

[Kevin] You son of a bitch.

♪ Loser ♪

♪ Can you feel it burning ♪

[vocalizing]

[Kevin] Okay. All right. Okay. [chuckles]

You got some fucking balls on you, Usher.

[Usher] Hey, this just the beginning, dawg.

You got some fucking balls on you, man. Yeah.

I said, come out here and set this shit off for me.

Let’s have a good fucking time.

You come out here and do a song I’ve never heard.

You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

Come on, man. That’s it.

Let’s do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

What the fuck you going to do with those?

What the fuck you about to do with those?

I mean, you know, it’s…

Usher, if you don’t get them cherries, the fuck out my face.

Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn face, man.

Get your ass off the stage, man.

No, get off the fucking stage. Hey, hey, listen.

Congratulations. Good luck. You gonna need it, buddy.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher? Fuck you. How about that?

Fuck you, Usher.

You can take whatever friendship we had and throw it in the trash.

Y’all make sure y’all go see my guy on tour.

He’s doing a stadium tour. Go get your fucking tickets.

[audience cheering, applauding] That’s my brother.

What’s going on, Los Angeles? Make some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Kevin] Oh-ho.

I want to welcome y’all to the roast of him, of that n*gga, me.

That’s right, Kevin Hart.

We are about to have a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

And you know what I love to do? I love to fucking set the tone.

I love to make sure that the people inside the room are possessed with the energy that we need so that we can have a good fucking time.

So I’m gonna ask you again, are y’all ready to have a good fucking time tonight?

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah. Yeah.

I’m gonna tell you right now, this is gonna be way better than the Tom Brady roast.

Way better.

Way better.

The reason why is because I’m not a bitch.

[audience laughing] Tom is a bitch.

Tom sat there the whole time with the fucking white man face.

[imitating Tom Brady]

Went on radio stations after that.

[imitating Tom Brady] “Why’d they say that about me? I can’t believe…”

Shut the fuck up, Tom!

He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch?

[The Roots] Yeah.

[Kevin] Yeah, goddamn right he was.

He was a fucking bitch. [chuckles]

I ain’t no bitch! You bring whatever it is that you got, I could give two fucks. You go and say what you want to say. Say it.

I don’t give a shit at the end of the day.

I’m Kevin motherfucking Hart.

I’m the man up in this bitch. Yeah! Yeah!

Y’all know what I’m talking about?

That’s right, Los Angeles.

Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up?

[audience laughing]

Have you even left the forum?

[audience laughing]

Or have you just been here screaming into that mic the last two years waiting for Daddy to come home?

Well, unlike your real dad, I actually showed up.

Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

And I brought you a jersey.

[Kevin] Oh, you son– Gimme–

Give me that fucking jersey. That’s newborn size.

Yeah, fucking jersey. Does that fit you?

Give me the fucking jersey. All right, sit down.

Fucking hobbit.

[audience laughing]

All right, this won’t take long, ’cause as you guys know, I’m a busy man.

But I do have a few words for you before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas.

Oh, wait.

I’m talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off?

Not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas?

Think I broke another rule.

Fuck it, I talked about it.

So what was it that you were screaming at my bros?

[imitates Kevin] “Time to get comfortable being uncomfortable.”

You at that podium.

Those were your words, Kevin.

Who’s squirming in that little high chair now, bitch?

[audience laughing]

Put a pillow underneath, it’d make you look taller.

And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done to my roast?

Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23 seasons, but I’ve never seen anyone drop the ball like this.

How did the GOAT roast go from me to you? [chuckles]

I won seven Super Bowls.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies.

[audience laughing]

I’ve won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Kevin, you’re the third most famous person in Jumanji.

[audience laughing]

[Tom] That was a good movie though.

And look at this pathetic dais.

I guess it wouldn’t be a Kevin Hart project if it wasn’t a shitty sequel.

[audience laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles]

You’ve got Sheryl Underwood.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Big Jay Oakerson.

Na’im Lynn.

Who the fuck are these people?

[audience laughing]

And how did they get here? I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] That’s good, that’s good.

And what happened to Nikki Glaser? She looks like shit.

Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea.

[audience laughing]

Draymond Green is here.

[audience applauding]

[Tom] Yeah.

Draymond’s here.

For now.

He’ll probably get thrown out in the next ten minutes.

You know we’re not roasting Steve Kerr, right?

And it looks like we actually have some real Eagles fans here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah.

Not like Kevin, who only shows up at the big games when the Eagles are playing well.

You know, Kev, we actually have a name for those people.

They’re called Cowboys fans.

[audience laughing]

And when I run into Eagles fans, they always wanna bring up the Philly Special.

They love to talk about the Philly Special.

Yeah, I don’t.

And I tell them, “Hey, his name is Shane Gillis, have some respect.”

You’re special.

Kevin, you took a lot of shots at my family during my roast.

But I’m too classy to go after your beautiful wife.

Or am I?

What’s up, girl?

[audience laughing]

Ooh. Watch your fucking step, Tom!

You better stop! You’d better fucking cut it out.

I know in the past, people– you’ve been accused of being homophobic, and I really hope that’s not true because you’re about to get that teeny tiny little ass of yours reamed tonight.

And I cannot wait to watch this.

Payback’s a bitch and so are you Kevin Hart.

Let’s fucking go.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[“Rock Boys (And the Winner is…) playing]

♪ And the winner is… HOV, my man ♪

♪ Speech! ♪

[announcer 1] Welcome to the stage!

[announcer 2] In this corner…

[announcer 1, voice distorting] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Hart.

[announcer 2] The Main Event.

Kevin Hart versus…

♪ The Roc Boys in the building tonight ♪

♪ Oh, what a feeling, I’m feeling life ♪

♪ You don’t even Gotta bring your paper out ♪

♪ We the dope boys of the year Drinks is on the house ♪

♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪

♪ We in the house, hou… hou… ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Let that ride out! ♪

♪ Bring the horns back in, yeah ♪

♪ This is Black superhero music ♪

♪ Right here, baby ♪

[bell ringing]

[Jay-Z laughing]

♪ Ow! ♪

[song concludes]

Well, that was fucking annoying.

[audience laughing]

God, a lot of arrogant people here. Uh…

Now, Kevin, if you’re thinking this is just gonna be a bunch of jokes about you being short and annoying, that’s true.

We will be doing that. But we’re also gonna be talking about how you’re a shitty comedian, a star fucker, and an absentee father.

We’re all here to honor Kevin Hart.

And what a better way to do that than to take a paycheck while pretending to have fun.

[audience laughing]

You’re a whore, Kevin.

Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea. [laughs]

Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

We have Chelsea Handler, middle name Penis.

[audience laughing]

Penis Handler.

That’s gonna catch on. All right, fuck you guys.

That was my best one. [laughs]

If you guys upgrade your account from standard to premium, Chelsea turns into a male comedian.

[audience laughing]

[Shane] Oh, this is gonna be terrible.

If that was offensive, I’m fucked. All right.

[chuckles] My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here.

Give it up for Jay.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Jay’s the only guy in the Epstein files for actual pizza.

[audience laughing]

I don’t know if you can see it, but he paints his fingernails, which, you know, that’s kinda weird, huh?

He’s like a 50-year-old emo goth comedian.

[imitates Big Jay Oakerson] “You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah!” [laughs]

Anyway, Big Jay gets a new manicure every week because apparently fat girl pussy juice dissolves nail polish.

[audience laughing]

What do you mean, “Jesus?” Oh, this is gonna go so bad.

This… I know what’s gonna happen. I know how bad this is.

All right, fuck it. My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Give it up for Tony.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Tony Hinchcliffe looks like he burns things in his living room and waits for the firefighters to come rescue him.

[audience laughing]

When they asked Tony if he wanted to roast Kevin Hart, he got so excited, he spit all the cum out of his mouth.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

[Shane] Hell yeah, Kev, thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy that goes to Trump rallies just so he can dance to the village people.

[audience laughing]

Tony, uh, I’ve been to Tony’s apartment in Austin.

He has… He literally has thrones.

For real, he sits in… Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

Austin is a 19-year-old twink who lives across the street and works out without a shirt on. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Sheryl Underwood is here. Give it up for Sheryl.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Sheryl’s, uh, Sheryl’s a lifelong Republican, and, uh, she’s actually thinking about getting into politics.

She’s running for a seat in the Big Mama’s House of Representatives.

[audience laughing]

Sheryl’s husband killed himself.

Apparently, Black does crack if it’s married to Sheryl and jumps off a fucking roof. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I do it for the balcony, I do it for the upper decks.

Fuck all these people down here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Why would you put rich pussies down here? Look at these animals up here, yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Fucking right.

Regina Hall is here. I think her– Yeah.

Wherever the fuck she is. Hey. Hey, Regina, how are you?

Her husband’s doing well, so we’re just gonna move on from that.

Na’im Lynn is here, he’s one of Kevin’s best friends, openers and writers, give it up for him.

Na’im’s a really good writer, him and Kevin worked together on The Roast of Tom Brady, where Na’im came up with such classics like, “That Was crazy.”

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] And, “Oh, hell no.”

And everyone’s favorite, “Damn, she went there?”

Guy’s a fucking genius.

Pete Davidson’s here, give it up for Pete.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Pete Davidson, aka Wigger Dracula.

[audience laughing]

[imitates Pete Davidson] “I want to suck at comedy.” [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

Pete recently got all of his tattoos removed, so now you actually have to talk to him to find out he’s a complete fucking idiot.

[laughs] [audience laughing]

[laughs] That’s all I got, dude.

Draymond Green is here, give it up for Draymond.

[audience jeering, applauding]

Yeah, sick. Yeah, fuck him. Boo! [laughs]

With a name like Draymond Green, he only had a few options in life.

Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary, or wealthy cartoon duck.

[audience laughing]

[Shane chuckles]

He plays… [laughs]

He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

[audience jeering, applauding]

Golden State Warriors sounds like a nickname they had for people who died of AIDS in the 1980s.

[audience laughing]

The Golden State Warriors logo is a bridge.

Don’t show that to Sheryl’s husband. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Seriously, keep that bridge away from Sheryl’s husband.

I called her yesterday, shut up.

I was really… I felt terrible about that. I had to call her. All right.

She was crazy about it.

She was like, “You gonna make fun of my husband who fell off a bridge?”

I was like, “Yep.” [laughs]

And speaking of Black men who once made an impact years ago, Kevin Hart. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Here’s a fun fact about Kevin. Kevin has a 44-inch vertical leap.

And I know that because he can kiss his wife on the lips.

[audience laughing]

Being 5’1 sucks, but at least you can tell him apart from all the other Blacks.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, they told me to be racist. [laughs]

What am I gonna make fun of?

“Oh, you got a huge dick and you’re a billionaire?” Yeah.

When you see Kevin stand next to all his normal sized Black friends, he looks like the period at the end of a sentence.

[audience laughing]

Yes, yes, Kevin, thank you.

[Kevin] Yeah! This is where…

To really understand Kevin’s origins, you have to go back to the beginning.

Kevin’s ancestors came to America in a slave ship in a bottle.

[audience laughing]

[Kevin] Yeah.

[Shane] Yeah.

[Kevin] Yeah. Yeah.

The bottle.

He grew up in Philadelphia, where his mother worked at the University of Pennsylvania, and his father was one of the California Raisins.

[audience laughing]

I’m just joking around. He wasn’t raising anybody.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Unfortunately, that’s true.

Kevin’s dad wasn’t there for him because he was addicted to cocaine, which is a lot more respectable than not being there for your kids because you’re filming fucking Jumanji 3.

[audience laughing]

[Shane] That’s pathetic.

A lot… [laughs]

A lot of people say Kevin’s movies are formulaic.

Yeah, baby formula.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] That was the best one.

That was… We were like, “Yo, baby formula.”

And every time you put one of Kevin’s movies on, you say to yourself, “I see where this is staying.”

Now, he wasn’t always a movie star. He’s had a few setbacks.

Kevin got a DUI.

[laughs] Isn’t that funny?

Just a little tiny DUI, his feet barely reaching the pedals.

It’s a cute DUI.

It was actually, honestly, it was a pretty serious accident.

He wrapped his micro machine around a dandelion.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, things got worse for Kevin only a few years later when he got fired from the Oscars for homophobia.

They found an old tweet of his where he said if his son was gay, he would break a dollhouse over his head.

I know, that’s crazy.

He used to be funny. How about that? [laughs]

That was really funny. That was so long ago.

After that, after he got fired for being homophobic, he went on like an apology tour where he had to go around and do interviews and shit.

And in one of the interviews, he said, “I’m in love with the man I’m becoming.”

Gay. [laughs] Fucking homo, dude.

I’m gonna break a dollhouse over his head after that fucking shit.

I guess one of the reasons no one can afford a house in America these days is ’cause Kevin keeps breaking them over his son’s fucking head.

A few months ago, Kevin performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival sponsored by the Saudi government.

[audience jeering, laughing]

They actually, they offered me a ton of money to do it, but I said no.

Kevin said yes.

The reason I said no was to honor the brave police officers and firefighters who lost their lives that day.

Right, Pete? [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Kevin actually did really well in Saudi Arabia, but only because they thought he was the monkey from Aladdin.

[audience laughing]

Abu, they were thinking about Abu.

Abu.

Abu, which is actually coincidentally what Kevin hears every time he puts out one of his dog shit specials.

A boo.

Kevin didn’t just do comedy in Saudi Arabia, they actually gave him a sword and a shield and they made him fight a scorpion.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

And then at night they’d put one of those little falcon helmets on him so he could go to sleep.

[audience laughing]

[Shane] All right.

Well, look, I know this dais is full of degenerate scumbags, and they’re gonna be up here saying a lot of racist, terrible things tonight.

But, yeah, you guys like that?

[audience cheering, applauding]

But not me. I’m not gonna be doing that.

I’ve got a nice PG short joke that I’d like you guys to be a part of, okay?

Kevin is so short.

[audience] How much is he?

Kevin’s so short that they’re gonna have to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

[audience laughing]

That was three weeks of deliberation on that joke.

I was… Look, I understand how serious the word lynch is, but bonsai is so funny.

Anyway, you’re the fucking man, and I’m happy to be here, and I genuinely love you, and seriously, you’re a once-in-alifetime talent, and unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

[audience laughing]

Let’s get this fucking show started.

[audience cheering, applauding]

And now, our first roaster of the night, the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[“Beverly Hills Cop” theme music playing]

[audience cheering]

Wow!

What’s up, roast fans?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[music concludes]

Look at this place.

Everybody’s here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

John Stamos, Usher, I see you, George Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

Blackface is never okay.

[audience laughing]

Kevin Hart.

We’ve been friends a long time, but the world first fell in love with you when Michael Jackson dangled you over that balcony.

[audience laughing]

Tonight, live all over the world, we celebrate the crack baby that could.

The preemie with a dreamie.

The man who put the elf in Philadelphia. [laughs]

The great Eddie Smurphy.

You know, Kev, those mic drops aren’t as cool when you’re dropping them from two feet, right?

Yeah, tonight I dress like your idol Eddie Murphy because he’s not coming.

[audience laughing]

Your idol doesn’t give a fuck about you, Kevin.

No, Eddie, but we did get Donkey from Shrek.

Say hello to Sheryl Underwood.

[audience laughing]

[kisses]

Sheryl’s pronouns are hee-haw.

I love you, Sheryl Underwood.

By the way, Underwood is also where they found

Pete Davidson’s dad on 9/11.

[audience laughing]

[inaudible] I love you.

Pete’s dad was a firefighter that died heroically and somehow Pete gets all the pussy his dad deserves.

[audience laughing]

In honor of his dad, Pete only fucks nines and elevens.

[audience laughing]

[Jeff] Hit it!

[“Beverly Hills Cop” theme music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[music concludes] I love this! Comics roasting comics.

You don’t see a lot of guys who look like Shane Gillis in L.A., unless they’re handcuffing a Mexican toddler.

[audience laughing]

Ay, ay, ICE!

Jersey’s finest, Chelsea Handler. I love you so much, Chelsea.

I do. I do.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Chelsea told me she’s been getting into microdosing, which is what she calls fucking a white guy.

[audience laughing]

Congrats, Chels. I read you just bought your new house from RFK Jr.

[in deep voice] “Hey, do you want to see my bag of raccoon dicks?”

And then RFK was like, “No thanks, Chelsea, I have my own.”

[audience laughing]

Steph Curry couldn’t make it tonight, but he did carry Draymond Green all the way here.

[audience laughing]

Love you, buddy. I’m not going to make fun of you because you’re violent.

[audience laughing]

You’ve been ejected more times than a Kevin Hart DVD. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

Tony, I love you like a little brother…

[audience cheering]

…but I’ve had it up to here with your politics.

[audience laughing]

Everyone’s here, baby. Look at this place. Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

MGK.

[audience cheering]

Fuck.

For a guy who’s only going to need one pallbearer someday, you sure have a lot to choose from. [audience laughing]

What a story. What a story.

Your dad was a street hustler and addicted to crack cocaine.

So, I guess being dependent on the rock runs in the family.

[audience laughing]

[Jeff] Hit it.

[“Beverly Hills Cop” theme music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[music concludes] Kevin, I know your dad walked out on you and then I went to see one of your movies and then I walked out on you.

[audience laughing]

Maybe you’re spending too much time in the gym working out.

It’s arm day, it’s leg day. When is it script day?

[audience laughing]

Do you even read these pieces of shit before you say yes?

Come on, spell Jumanji.

Fuck you.

And sure… sure, Kevin went to a Diddy party. So, what?

They just locked him in a room and put Paw Patrol on his iPad.

[audience laughing]

Kevin always flies private. What a waste of leg room.

[audience laughing]

Yes, Kev, people mock you for being short. But you know who else was short? Prince.

Prince was 5’2”, we just don’t talk about it a lot

because Prince was great.

[audience laughing]

But you, Kev, you’re not just an entertainer, you’re a brand.

You’re like Martha Stewart, but without the respect of the Black community.

[audience laughing]

And I can say that because I’m dressed like Eddie Murphy.

[audience laughing] Hit it, ah, never mind.

Play something sweet.

[gentle music playing] Today’s Mother’s Day.

Shout out to the moms…

[audience cheering, applauding]

…and the motherfuckers.

Kev and I both lost our moms way too soon and I’m sorry yours isn’t here tonight to see all the love in the room.

I know how important she was in your life. She was strict.

One time you were acting up and she beat you with a Hot Wheels track, is that right?

But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted, put the track back together, got in his Hot Wheels car and drove right to Hollywood.

[audience laughing]

You always say, “Everybody wants to be famous…

[Kevin] Nobody wants to do the work. …but nobody wants to do the work.”

You do the work, you’re a motivator.

[audience cheering, applauding]

And you don’t know this, Kevin, but you motivated me.

At the last roast, you said, every time you look at me, I look sicker and sicker.

[audience laughing]

And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

But you inspired me to go and get my first colonoscopy.

And that cancer screening was more entertaining than any screening you’ve ever invited me to.

[audience laughing]

They found a stage three tumor in my colon.

But luckily, like you, Kevin, it stopped growing.

[audience laughing]

If you hadn’t made fun of me and saved me from colon cancer, I wouldn’t have been able to come up here tonight

and shit all over you. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Thank you for saving my life, little buddy.

I love you.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[inaudible]

[audience cheering]

[music concludes]

The Roastmaster General, everybody, give it up for Jeff Ross.

[audience cheering, applauding]

And how about an even bigger applause to all the Roastmaster soldiers that just wrote all those jokes for him.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

What you talking about, Gillis?

If you’re wondering why Jeff is dressed as Eddie Murphy, good, you should be.

It doesn’t make any sense, and it’s kind of embarrassing.

Jeff’s face looks like it fell out of a fucking lava lamp.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

[Jeff speaking indistinctly] [chuckles]

They could have used it on me. [chuckles]

What you talking about, Gillis? That’s good. That’s good.

Jeff’s the only guy to kiss the wailing wall and use tongue.

[audience laughing]

Lot of Jews here tonight. That’s not good.

[chuckles] Well, I meant for the jokes, not just in general.

You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.

[audience laughing]

“Oh, not us.” Shut up.

[chuckles] Our next roaster is Na’im Lynn.

Yeah, Na’im.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Na’im, that’s a dumb name. It sounds like the noises a deaf guy makes when he gets stuck trying to put on a turtleneck.

[audience laughing]

Na’im. [chuckles] Na’im.

I’d say Na’im is like family to Kevin, but they actually spend a lot of time together.

Please welcome Na’im Lynn, everybody. Give it up for Na’im.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[music concludes] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, everyone. I’m probably the most unrecognizable face up here.

I have a TV show, but it comes on BET.

[audience laughing]

I’ve been working with Kevin for 25 years, and this motherfucker said he put me in this roast because it could help my career.

You could have helped my career by putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

[audience laughing]

You about to do Ride Along 3, and I still ain’t rode along.

[audience laughing] Look at you over there, all proud, like a father that finally showed up on draft night.

[audience laughing]

You arrogant fuck. When Kevin first told me about the roast, he said, “Tom Brady did 100 million views, so I’m probably gonna do 200 million views.”

This motherfucker think he more famous than Tom Brady.

[audience laughing]

Tom has seven Super Bowl rings. That’s like seven Oscars.

You’re 46 with a Kids’ Choice Award.

[audience laughing]

You don’t have an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, or a Grammy.

The only Grammy you had died in 1985

. [audience laughing]

“Oh, no, Mama. Grammy died. Where are we gonna live now?”

[audience laughing]

The only thing you and Tom Brady got in common, you both love your career more than your wife.

[audience laughing]

[Na’im] I’m sorry, Eniko.

[audience laughing]

Kev, did you know you’re the only second Black person to be roasted in the last 30 years?

It’s just you and your brother, Flavor Flav.

[audience laughing]

This guy’s a fucking scam artist.

How the fuck you promoting fitness and tequila?

[audience laughing]

You told me all these big names are gonna be up here.

Look at this batch of bullshit up here, man.

What the fuck is Draymond Green doing here?

[audience laughing]

Stupid-ass name. What the fuck is a “Draymond?”

[audience laughing]

Your mother didn’t know who your father was, so she just combined two of the guys’ names.

[audience laughing]

“Who the daddy, girl?” “Mm-mm. It’s either Andre or Lamond.”

[audience laughing] [chuckles] “I’ma just call him Draymond.”

[audience laughing]

[cheering, applauding]

Your name sounds like a ugly paint color.

[audience laughing]

And I was thinking about making the kitchen Draymond Green.

[audience laughing]

Man, I thought The Rock would at least be here, because I got some shit to say about him.

But actually, you know, it’s good he’s not here, because I’d rather talk shit behind his back. I feel safer.

[audience laughing] Big J, you be The Rock, all right?

This is the closest you’ll get to being in shape, so savor the moment.

Rock, I’m sick of your shit.

Fucking sellout, always playing the white guy in movies.

N*gga, please.

Ain’t no White guys named Dwayne.

[audience laughing]

If you apply for a job at Target and you write Dwayne Johnson on it, that shit’s going in the trash. [audience laughing]

That’s a DEI joke, you stupid motherfucker.

[audience laughing]

Let me chill, I don’t want no smoke with rock.

That’s what almost killed Lamar Odom.

[audience laughing]

Jeff Ross is here collecting this one check for the year.

[audience laughing]

[Na’im] Yeah.

This might be Jeff’s last roast if he don’t get that kidney.

[audience laughing]

Jeff, you look like the only kid that Michael Jackson visited in the hospital that lived.

[audience laughing]

Make a wish, motherfucker.

[audience laughing]

Chelsea Handler, yeah.

[audience cheering]

Hey, Chelsea. I see you over there aging at the speed of white.

Take a picture of Chelsea now, I guarantee you won’t recognize her by the end of the night.

[audience laughing]

Over there with all that makeup on, casket ready.

[audience laughing]

[Na’im chuckles]

I can’t wait till they do a remake of Golden Girls so you can get a fucking job again, all right?

[audience laughing]

You’d be like a less fuckable Betty White.

[audience laughing]

And I’m not talking Betty in her prime. I’m talking Betty right now.

[audience laughing] Yeah, Betty’s dead.

We got one of the kings of comedy here, Sheryl Underwood.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Sheryl, they’ve been talking about doing a biopic on Kev’s life.

I think you’d be great to play his dad.

[audience laughing]

Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another former SNL cast member

that’s gonna overdose at some point.

[audience laughing]

I don’t like you, Pete.

[audience laughing]

Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man? I thought, yeah, I thought…

[audience cheering]

…I thought he’d be here stealing more money from Netflix.

[audience laughing]

I know you’re watching, Dave. I saw your last special.

Some jokes would have been nice.

[audience laughing]

Hour-long speech, 20 million.

He’s the reason the damn subscription goes up every six months.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

[audience laughing]

He hates you more than the transgender community.

[audience laughing]

I actually don’t know why the trans hate you.

You’re married to a Filipino lady boy.

[audience laughing]

Okay, they said I gotta say something nice before I go, so here it goes.

Kev, you’ve not only been an inspiration to me, but to all comics and Black people as a whole, because you didn’t stop at just being a great entertainer.

You became a mogul, a businessman, creating generational wealth for not only your family, but other employees. [audience cheering, applauding]

When slavery ended, we were promised 40 acres and a mule.

We didn’t get our 40 acres, but we got our mule.

That’s you, my boy.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[indistinct chatter]

[Shane] Keep it going for Na’im, everybody.

Yeah, he did great.

Also, Na’im, great choice there at the end to talk shit on Dave.

[audience laughing]

He’ll let that go, for sure.

[audience laughing]

[scoffs]

That was an interesting shot. [chuckles]

Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

She loves sex. Isn’t that interesting?

She talked about it for 30 years, you fuck. [chuckles]

She even released her own sex tape. Sex tape is also what she uses to keep from tripping over her own pussy lips.

[audience laughing]

You can skip that part.

Go ahead. Go ahead. There we go. Chelsea is a Zionist.

[audience laughing]

I’m not saying that’s good or bad.

Speaking of dead kids, she’s a big fan of abortions.

Chelsea’s been scraped more times than the grill at Benihana.

Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a child’s mouth, Chelsea Handler went to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein’s house in 2010.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Just a fun one. You can look it up, there’s articles.

It wasn’t like a big party, there was like seven people there.

And it was like Prince Andrew and Woody Allen were there.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering]

[music concludes]

Oh, my God, thank you Shane.

And I thought I was gonna have the best tits on this dais tonight.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Chelsea] When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Oh, my God, is that Druski in whiteface?”

[audience laughing]

Happy Mother’s Day, everybody.

What a beautiful way to spend Mother’s Day.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Shane, I feel like I could be your mother, mostly because you look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.

[audience laughing]

Hi, everybody, it’s me, your resident whore for the evening.

Guys, I just want to clarify, I’m rich, I’m famous, and I’m hot.

Obviously, I’m gonna be fucking a lot of guys, okay? [chuckles]

[audience cheering]

Let’s get the party started.

I’m just glad, I’m just glad that my whore elevator never stopped on any of your fucking floors.

[audience laughing]

And, Shane, just so you know, Judaism and Zionism are two different things.

Kind of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are two different things, but your favorite slur works in both places.

Shane has been accused of being anti-Asian, which is ironic considering he has the complexion and physique of a steamed dumpling.

[audience laughing]

Word on the street is that Shane’s a lazy lover and the only way to get him to go down on a woman is to put pussy on the buffet at Golden Corral.

[audience laughing]

The first time I met Kevin was almost 20 years ago and I remember thinking, “What is 50 Cent’s dick doing walking around all by itself?”

[audience laughing]

A lot of people think Kevin was discovered during one of The Rock’s colonoscopies.

But that’s not true.

I was actually one of the very few people, very first people, that gave Kevin a platform for his “comedy” when I gave him a weekly spot on Chelsea Lately.

And I had no idea…

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

I had no idea when I did this that we would be subjected to three Jumanjis, two Ride Alongs, two Die Harts, endless amounts of Hart to Heart, and whatever make-awish situation you have going on with the plastic fucking cup boys.

So first, I’m here to apologize.

And second, I’m here to do something we don’t see

White people do enough of in Hollywood. Take credit for a Black person’s career.

[audience laughing]

Kevin, I’m gonna circle back to you in a minute because I am really here on behalf of women in America and abroad. [chuckles]

Welcome to tonight’s episode of To Catch a Predator.

This is a real who’s who of statutory rapists.

[audience laughing]

We’re all just lucky none of you could afford an island.

[audience laughing]

Netflix assembled this panel of men to remind us that there are worse things than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of you.

Congratulations, you guys. You did it.

You helped sway the last election. Way to go.

You should be proud, boys.

Now that your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory, I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran.

Or do you tough-talking pussies only go to the Middle East

for comedy festivals?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony is what happens when women don’t have safe access to abortion care.

Tony and Shane both live in Texas where abortion is illegal, but on the upside, if you see one of them doing comedy, there’s a pretty good chance your uterus will start dry heaving on its own.

Tony is a real guy’s guy, or what’s more commonly known as a bottom.

[audience laughing]

Tony, you have the face of a school shooter and the personality of someone who gets shot first.

[audience laughing]

Look at you, you look good. You got like a little Hollywood glow up.

I didn’t know veneers came in deli mustard yellow.

[audience laughing]

But it actually looks a little bit better in person.

You must be using Crest White supremacist strips.

[audience laughing]

Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting for you guys.

Usually on Sunday nights, you just burn a cross on someone’s lawn.

And tonight, you get to roast a whole Black guy.

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] Well, a half of one, because it’s Kevin.

Tony, quick question. If you’re here tonight, who’s keeping Joe Rogan’s balls warm in their mouth?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Big Jay Oakerson is here tonight.

Let’s keep moving.

Sheryl Underwood, Regina Hall.

I’m not gonna use my time to insult two Black women when I’m dealing with this fucking group of idiots.

Draymond Green is here tonight.

I like Draymond a lot. I like what you’re putting down.

Draymond has achieved something many Black men in the NBA have never accomplished. He married a Black woman.

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] In preparation for this roast, I looked up everybody’s star signs, so I found out I’m a Pisces, I know Pete is a Scorpio, and Jeff Ross has cancer. [audience laughing]

Let’s give it up for the least problematic man on the stage tonight, Pete Davidson!

[audience cheering]

Whoever thought I would say that sentence?

Pete is our moral compass tonight.

Pete recently welcomed his first child that he knows of.

A beautiful baby girl.

Congratulations, Pete, on becoming a father.

I can see you’ve turned over a new leaf.

I’m just glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn’t have a baby and that he has a daughter now, you know?

If he had a daughter, her first words would be, “Me too.”

[audience laughing]

And now, sorry, if you had a son. [chuckles]

And now, back to Kevin.

Kevin had a DUI in 2013 and then had a little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in 2019. [laughs]

And then had the nerve to call one of his movies Ride Along.

Even Tiger Woods is like, “No thanks, I’ll walk.”

[audience laughing]

But I do want to congratulate you, Kevin, on your tequila.

Kevin’s tequila is called Gran Coramino, which is Spanish for “Eddie Murphy said fuck no.”

It’s the only tequila brand in the world where if you want to swallow a tiny shriveled up little worm, Kevin will personally drive to your house and face fuck you.

[audience laughing]

[Chelsea] I do want to say this, however, about Kevin.

Because Kevin is one of the few male comedians who’s never been gross or inappropriate around me.

He has never been disrespectful to me or any other woman in his presence.

And the only time he ever said anything sexual was when he was shit-faced at one of the Chelsea Lately wrap parties.

And you were like, he was like, “Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea.”

“Chelsea, you fucked the wrong Black guy.”

“You fucked the wrong Black guy.”

And I thought that was so cute that you thought there was only one.

[audience laughing]

Na’im is actually starting to look familiar. [chuckles]

But the worst thing about Kevin is if you do Kevin one favor, he will never stop asking you to do him more favors.

And the reason people say yes is because it’s the only way to get you to shut the fuck up.

And somehow you seem to think that you’re the greatest negotiator, “The best” is what you say.

And I would like to let everyone here know that the most recent favor Kevin asked me to do for him was to film his TV show, Funny AF, which is a very gay name, by the way.

It ended up being a great show. You’re right, it is a good show.

But I was in Majorca at the time, like any other rich white woman would be.

So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th time, Kevin chartered a private plane for me and my entire family to fly from Spain to Los Angeles.

Except here’s the truth, my family was never with me, Kevin.

I just said that to get you to leave me alone, so you chartered a 16-seat Gulfstream for me and my dog.

So I would like to correct the record from best negotiator to huge fucking idiot.

And on a nice note, since this is a roast and everyone’s so disgusting, I would just like to say, as a woman, I am proud to be friends with a male comedian who respects women, who spends time with his family, and who loves his wife, Eniko.

That makes me proud to be your friend, so I’m gonna give you that, you little fuckin’ nugget.

[audience cheering, applauding]

It takes a lot of people.

Yeah, how about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[audience cheering]

Fucking asshole.

It takes a lot of people to support the career of Kevin Hart.

Here to honor Kevin’s stand ins and body doubles, please welcome Lizzo.

[audience cheering]

[plays flute]

[upbeat music playing]

Come on. Fuck it up, baby.

Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin! Go, Kevin!

Make some noise, y’all!

[audience cheering]

Give it up for my nigglets, y’all.

We worked really hard on that. [laughs]

Well, well, well, Kevin. So this is how you’re able to make five shitty movies at the same time.

This is against union rules, you know.

They gonna kick you out the lollipop guild.

Kevin, what’s going on with this dais?

I was promised real celebrities.

Where are all your friends from the Diddy files?

You know all of them.

I feel overdressed right now. Do y’all like my outfit?

[audience cheering, applauding]

I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe’s closet.

[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.

[audience laughing]

Actually heard that Tony’s a fan of my music, but the lyric is, “blame it on the juice,”

not “blame it on the Jews.”

[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] What the fuck is wrong with you? [chuckling]

Me and Tony actually have something in common.

I played James Madison’s crystal flute and he played Donald Trump’s skin flute.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Chelsea, a flute is something you wrap your lips around

that won’t leave you after you blow it.

[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] Just want you to know that.

Shane Gillis!

Thank you for that introduction. You look good.

You been chasing your beer with milk?

[chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Shane Gillis… [laughs]

Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

I just made that one up on the spot.

Um… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Shane, I wrote you a song.

♪ In case nobody told you today You’re special ♪

[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] Thank you.

Save some chromosomes for the rest of us, boy.

[audience laughing]

Draymond Green is here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Why is everyone booing him? I’m excited to see you.

Personally, I’ve never seen Draymond Green in person.

I always thought he was just six Kevin Hart’s in a trench coat.

[audience laughing]

So, that’s fucking cool. Um, Jeff Ross.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[chuckles] Looking like my bloody tampon.

Jeff got ready for tonight by spending a week floating face down in a swimming pool.

[audience laughing]

You know, I believe that everybody is beautiful, except for you, Jeff.

You ugly as shit.

[audience laughing]

You look like a old, white, Black woman.

[audience laughing]

Okay, okay, okay, that was mean, that was mean.

There’s so much negativity here tonight and y’all know that’s not my thing.

I like to write songs that uplift and inspire women so that they don’t make bad decisions like fucking Pete Davidson.

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna– I would fuck you.

There’s more to that joke and I’m just gonna stop it right there.

[laughs] Let’s keep going.

[audience laughing]

In all seriousness… [laughs]

[audience laughing]

In all… [chuckles]

Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.

[audience laughing]

But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank you.

It’s an honor to share the stage with someone who’s opened the door for so many Black men.

Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

[audience laughing] Wakanda forever!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Chelsea, your set was incredible and your tits are even better, babe.

[audience laughing]

[Lizzo] Whoo!

Kevin and I are both mocked for our size, and we share that pain, but I can lose weight.

You can’t get taller, n*gga. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Ain’t no Ozempic for being short and greasy.

Kevin, thank you for having me here tonight.

And as a thank you, I have a new album coming out… and I actually named it after you. It’s called “Bitch.” [chuckles]

You not just a bitch, you my bitch, Kevin. I love you so much.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Give it up for Lizzo.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I’d really love to make fun of her, but I met her earlier this week and she’s actually pretty fucking cool. Who would have thought that?

But anyway, actually, I’d still like to do it. Go back.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red Lobster video game.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

People keep saying Lizzo’s washed up, but I believe the correct term is beached.

[audience laughing]

Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.

[audience laughing]

We’re having fun. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I got him Lizzo, I got him Lizzo.

No, come on, why you gotta get me? I’ve been getting a lot.

What the fuck’s your problem, Chelsea?

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] God damn.

Guys, the next guy we’re gonna talk about is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson is here to remind me that being on SNL does not make you a better comedian.

[audience laughing]

Pete showed up at the Kids Choice Awards high on ketamine.

I actually think that’s pretty fucking awesome.

At least you didn’t show up to that event on Viagra like a lot of the people in this room did.

[audience laughing]

There’s a lot of pedophiles here.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Pete, this is actually an intervention for you.

Please start doing drugs so you can be fun and interesting again.

[audience laughing]

He has a new podcast on Netflix and it fucking sucks. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I don’t– Pete’s the fucking man.

I love him. Make some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

All right. Wow.

Look at this dais. Can’t call me a star fucker anymore.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Great job hosting, Shane.

You look like you got CTE playing fantasy football.

[audience laughing]

Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you know how hard that is?

I tried for eight years and couldn’t do it.

[audience laughing]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here, looking like both a child molester and the doll they give the child to show where he touched them.

[audience laughing]

Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that he’s definitely been on camera

letting a guy unload in his throat.

[audience laughing]

Oh, you don’t know me? You don’t know me? Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah. Kill Tony.

Please, someone, fucking kill Tony.

[audience laughing]

Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt my feelings.

I was in a beef with Kanye, so I’ve taken shots from better gay Nazis.

[audience laughing] Thank you. Yeah.

What’s left of Lizzo is here.

[audience laughing]

Either that or Eddie Murphy just premiered the newest clump.

[audience laughing]

[Pete] Hercules! Hercules! No.

Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies as LGB-BQ

[audience laughing]

Chelsea Handler is here.

Thanks for saying nice things about me. That was nice.

Chelsea is so old that when she blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

Regina Hall is here. Pass.

[audience laughing]

Na’im Lynn, also pass.

Hi, Jeff. Jeff, you look like the inside of a clam.

[audience laughing]

Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow survived 9/11.

[audience laughing]

The Babadook, I mean Sheryl Underwood is here.

[audience laughing] Hello ma’am.

Sheryl has a daytime Emmy, ‘cause nobody could see her at night.

[audience laughing]

We play hide and seek later, you’re on my team.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I’m sorry. By the way, guys, Sheryl isn’t smiling.

She’s just unhinging her jaw so she can swallow Kevin whole.

[audience laughing]

Big Jay is here.

Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine. Love you.

Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear, because eventually they find out

he’s been recording them the whole time.

[audience laughing]

Draymond Green is here. Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Why do you look blacker than usual? Is it because you got burnt by the suns?

[audience laughing]

[Pete] Ooh. Ooh.

Thanks. Yeah. Yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Draymond’s so dirty, even Magic Johnson refuses to play with him.

[audience laughing]

And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

Yep. I love you too, buddy.

[audience cheering, applauding]

What can you say about Kevin that hasn’t already been yelled out

by a guy with Tourette’s at the BAFTAs?

[audience laughing]

Kevin looks like Draymond’s Funko Pop.

[audience laughing]

You know, I get lumped in a lot with Kevin because we both performed at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

But the difference is, Kevin went to Saudi Arabia for a day’s work.

Well, I’ve been owed that money since I was seven.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, that’s all I wanted to do.

[chuckles] First of all, I just want to say I love you very much.

You’ve always been super nice to me. We actually met at the Bieber roast, which is super cool that now it’s this.

You’re a very hardworking person, and when it’s all said and done, you know, in the comedy world, what’s most important is you’ll be remembered.

And I think that’s fucking something. So, thanks for having me.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah, Pete, hell yeah. Give it up for Pete, he just killed.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Fuck yeah, Pete.

Now, we’re gonna talk about Draymond Green.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah, fuck him.

Draymond Green has four NBA championships the way Ringo Starr has 11 number one albums.

[audience laughing]

Draymond’s always taking credit for the accomplishments of his more talented friends.

See, Jeff? It’s not just you.

[audience laughing]

Draymond is the first player to make four All-Star teams

for just setting picks.

[audience laughing]

Thought that would get more. Fuck you guys. You don’t know ball.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Go ahead, make some noise. Draymond Green, everybody.

Give it up for Draymond.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[rendition of “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” playing]

I think this is the part where I’m supposed to say, “Fuck all of you for booing me.”

[audience laughing, booing]

But I actually…

[audience laughing, booing]

But I actually need y’all to laugh at these jokes they wrote for me, so y’all love apologies, I’m sorry, okay?

I know I probably seem a little uncomfortable up here, but I’m in the NBA.

I’m not used to working around this many white people.

[audience laughing]

I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

Kevin, you let all these white boys talk bad about us, our culture, our beautiful Black women. You fucking sell out.

[audience laughing]

Uncle Tom ain’t got shit on you.

And I’m putting cases on all you white motherfuckers.

[audience laughing]

Shane Gillis, look at you.

Big pastry face.

That mustache. You look like a 1930s baseball card.

[audience laughing]

If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you’ll notice he has no eyebrows.

They were lost when he went through Kevin Hart’s windshield.

[audience laughing]

If Kevin Hart had a video game, they’d call it “Grand Theft– Uh-oh.”

[audience laughing]

Tony Hinchcliffe, what’s up man?

Always flexing that he grew up in the hood.

Well, yeah, that’s what you were to a fucking cross burning.

[audience laughing]

[Draymond] Pete Davidson’s here.

Pete Davidson’s here. Why?

[audience laughing]

You fucked a Kardashian.

You have those big ass lips and terrible fucking decision-making skills.

You get an N word pass.

It’s only good for an hour, and use it wisely.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

I’ll tell you who’s having a terrible Mother’s Day.

Chelsea Handler’s kids.

[audience laughing]

Chelsea’s had so many abortions, she’s killed more innocent Blacks than the LAPD.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Listen, I did not write these jokes.

Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I’m sorry.

In her defense, several of them were armed.

[audience laughing, applauding]

I should stop here. [laughs]

And no, no, go back. We’re not done. [chuckles]

Not fucking done here.

And no, I never have and never will smash Chelsea Handler.

I’m Draymond Green. I don’t hit threes.

[laughs]

[audience laughing, applauding]

[chuckles] You might have seen that three-point shootout

I did with Kevin. He was awful.

Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build your dad a new crack house.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[speaks indistinctly]

Just so Kevin didn’t look terrible, they deliberately had me miss shots.

I’m like, “Sure, anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?” [chuckles]

Like when you blew your shot at the Oscars.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

[audience laughing, applauding]

What the fuck is your issue, man?

[laughs]

[Draymond laughs]

Kevin and I are boys. We play poker together. [chuckles]

When we first started playing, he didn’t know anything.

I had to explain.

A straight flush is what you should have done with that Get Hard script.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Draymond] You should have flushed that piece of shit.

[chuckles] Kevin is terrible at cards.

He’s gotten better, but he’s still fucking terrible.

He plays poker the way he makes all his movies, bet it all on a flop.

[audience laughing, applauding]

We always clean him out, because if you pay attention, Kevin has a subtle tell.

[imitates Kevin] “Oh, shit, pocket kings.”

“I’m gonna beat all you motherfuckers.”

[audience laughing, applauding]

“Dumb bitches, it’s me, motherfuckers.” [laughs]

[chuckles] And you can always tell when Kevin’s bluffing.

Like when he says how great the next special is gonna be.

[audience laughing]

I’ve seen all of Kevin’s movies.

It’s the only time I can go to a theater, and the people sitting behind me don’t mind me blocking their view.

[audience laughing, applauding]

During Borderlands, I heard someone yell, “Up in front!”

[audience laughing, applauding]

They didn’t write a joke for Na’im.

They didn’t– The writers didn’t know who the fuck you were.

But I’m here for you, Kev, because we’re family.

People don’t know this, but my wife and your wife are cousins.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.

If I could do that, I’d be at a fucking Dave Chappelle roast.

Thank y’all.

[speaks indistinctly]

[audience laughing, applauding, cheering]

Great job, Draymond.

Way to go, Draymond.

Here we go now, Draymond.

It’s pretty good, fuck. All right.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Uh… [laughs] …next guy is, uh, Big Jay Oakerson.

Now, a lot of people, yeah, hell, yeah.

[audience cheering, applauding]

A lot of people don’t know this, but Big Jay actually got his start playing banjo with the other animatronic bears on Splash Mountain.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

Jay and Kevin were once best friends.

Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if Kevin didn’t abandon you, you would have just ended up like fucking Na’im Lynn.

[audience laughing]

All right, I thought that was pretty funny, okay.

Uh, for real, I do love you and I hope this goes well for you.

You’re the fucking man… [laughs] …make some noise, Big Jay Oakerson.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Oh, thank you. What’s up? Thank you, Roots.

Hear it for them. What, is this place falling the fuck asleep?

Let’s fucking go, everyone. What a crowd, goddamn.

T-Pain, fucking MGK, John fucking Stamos.

Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart roast?

[audience laughing]

He is? John Stamos is your friend.

[Kevin] Yes. There were no Black people on Full House.

[audience laughing]

Shane Gillis, how good is Shane Gillis doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Isn’t Shane what we all thought Schwarzenegger and the maid’s kid

was gonna look like?

[audience laughing]

A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady mustache?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is here, everybody.

[audience applauding, cheering]

[speaks indistinctly]

Jeff Ross, if you’re not a pedophile, God sure thought you were gonna be.

Because why would he make your face look like a thumbprint cookie? You…

Jeff Ross looks like he ferries people to Epstein Island in a hot air balloon.

And I wrote that without even knowing how he was gonna dress tonight.

[audience laughing, applauding]

The queen of roasting is not here tonight, Nikki Glaser, of course, because it’s Chelsea Handler’s week with the substance.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

They each get one week, you can’t cross over.

Handler, you old bag of Botox.

I feel like you’re a girl that I would call by her last name if I knew you better. “Handler.”

You know, Handler here famously had sex with 50 Cent and Asian-American comedian Jo Koy.

Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem with regular-sized dicks?

[audience laughing] Do you have to try them all out first?

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent sex. [chuckles]

What do you guys think that smells like? I bet you got some ideas.

I wrote a few down.

[audience laughing]

Lilac and corn chips. Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

Logan Berry and fired gun.

[audience laughing]

Old hands and new sneakers. You could play at home if you want.

Pumpkin spice and P Diddy rumors. #50CentHandlerSmells.

[clicks tongue]

[audience laughing]

Sheryl Underwood is here.

Sheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.

[audience applauding, cheering]

And a beautiful Black woman, with the word “Black” in bold italics.

Sheryl Underwood is as Black as the road is black.

She looks like somebody made a genie wish for a puddle of mud to come to life.

[chuckles] Sheryl Underwood is as Black as interstellar phenomenon.

If she stood against a brick wall, the roadrunner could run right through her.

[audience laughing]

Sheryl Underwood is so Black, we had to bring on Draymond Green just to color-balance the fucking cameras.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Sheryl speaks indistinctly]

We became friends earlier.

My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here! Make some noise, God damn.

[audience cheering, applauding]

A lot of people might not remember, but Tony actually got cancelled one time by his very own Asian opener for calling Tony a racist, yeah.

And then Tony hired a new Asian opener to prove that he wasn’t a racist.

which I thought was the original Asian opener

because I’m a racist.

[audience laughing, applauding]

How about Tony’s mouth, by the way? All the mouths over here.

Pete Davidson’s fucking mouth is crazy. I’ve known Pete since he was 17 years old.

I always dreamed that one day his head and body would grow

into his teeth and dick.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Between Tony, Pete, Sheryl, we don’t need chairs up here.

We need fucking stables.

Thank God we kept them all over here before they buck Handler.

You know, Lizzo, how about that? How crazy is that?

Lizzo probably doesn’t even know this.

[audience cheering, applauding]

She doesn’t even know this, but we were in a movie together.

We were in the movie Hustlers where I played a strip club DJ and Lizzo very bravely portrayed a stripper, very bravely.

In fact, it was so brave that every time she’d come on set in her stripper outfit, I would get in trouble for starting slow claps.

[audience laughs]

And finally, the reason that we’re all here, the one, the only, my boy Kevin Hart, everyone.

I’ve known Kevin for twenty-eight years now, and it’s a strange thing because I only actually knew him for the first five years, so I know pre-famous Kev.

I don’t know famous Kevin at all.

Famous Kevin is sitting on sixty-seven unanswered texts from me, up to and including, “Hey, Kev, super psyched for the roast, thanks for including me.”

I don’t know the guy farting out Fabletics ads or staring down the dick hole of General Insurance hype man Shaquille O’Neal or… shoving your fucking dumb tequila down our throats.

I know the person, Kevin Hart.

And I have a story I wanted to close on about Kev that means…

[chuckles]

This is actually emotional, this is good.

In 2012, Hurricane Sandy devastated me. I lived in Long Island, New York.

I lost– The place I was living was all fucked up and my car.

I had no money.

I was broke and with my wife and my daughter, and just a humiliating time.

And as word started to spread that I got fucked up by this hurricane so bad, I started getting phone calls after years, from Kev, and I kept seeing his number, and I wouldn’t answer.

I was too full of ego and pride and like…

[Kevin laughs]

I was too embarrassed to take his calls.

I knew he was going to try to come in and save the day and give me money or something, and I was just, I didn’t want to deal with it.

And then I got a phone call from our mentor.

Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is an amazing guy.

The guy who helped so many comics come up and probably the reason that me and you are even standing here today, the guy who taught us everything, our mentor, the late, great Keith Robinson.

[Kevin laughs] No, he’s still alive.

[audience laughs]

[Kevin] He’s still alive. He’s still alive, man.

[Jay] He’s still alive?

[Kevin] He’s still alive, Jay. Oh.

He died to me after you got famous.

[audience laughs] Hey, Keith.

Well…

Well, anyway, Keith called me.

And I answered the phone for Keith.

And Keith, in his old seventies pimp voice said, he goes, “Hey.”

“Answer the phone for Kev. He’s trying to call you.”

“He wants to help you out.”

And I said, “No, I’m not answering the phone.”

“I know he’s trying to give me money.”

“It’s going to make me feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m embarrassed. I can’t do it.”

And then Keith told me, he goes, “Come on, man, stop.”

He’s trying to give you ten thousand dollars.

And that, like, at the time, that was a gazillion dollars to me.

It was everything.

And I said, “No, I can’t take it. It’s too much.”

“I can’t pay it back.”

And he said, “He’s not trying to get you to pay it back, he wants to give it to you.” And I said, “No, I can’t do it.”

“It’s insane, it’s too much money.”

And then Keith, in his wise words, said to me, “It’s insultingly low.”

[audience laughs]

And in hindsight, he’s right. Ten thousand–

He’d already done Ride Along, five, six movies, easy already.

But whether it was low or not, what it did was, Kev, it got me back on my feet enough that I was able to get my wife and daughter back into our apartment.

And then I was able to take the rest of that money, and in true Kevin Hart fashion, immediately leave my first family.

[audience laughs]

So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my way, my man.

I love you so much.

Thank you for having me.

[cheering and applause]

Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.

Keep it going for Jay.

We asked Teyana Taylor to be here at the roast tonight, but she sent a letter explaining why she couldn’t be here.

Now to read that letter, please welcome Teyana Taylor, everybody.

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[music concludes]

Thank you, thank you.

[audience continues cheering]

Dear Kevin, first of all, what’s up, bitch?

Two plus two not knowing what the fuck it is, bitch.

Built like you asked for one adult ticket with confidence, bitch.

[audience chuckling]

How you doing?

Kevin, I’m writing you this letter from my kitchen because one of your movies is playing in my living room right now, and my five-year-old yelled out that you was built like you came with triple-A batteries in a Barbie car.

My ten-year-old asked, “Mommy if Uncle Kev is five-three and I’m four-ten, how am I still taller than him?”

And…

[audience cheering]

And honestly, Kev, I couldn’t answer that. Just couldn’t answer that.

Anyways, I couldn’t make it tonight because I didn’t want to show off the– you know, I didn’t want to throw off the balance of the dais by adding Oscar nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden Globe winner, you know, to the lineup. [audience cheering, applauding]

That just… That just wouldn’t be fair to anybody, especially you.

See, I feel like roasting you is kind of beneath me, you know?

I know it’s kind of like a foreign thing, a foreign concept, because it’s literally nothing that is beneath you, but still.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I would never say something so hateful like “I starred in One Battle After Another while Kevin’s career has been one bomb after another.”

I mean, that would just be so cruel, you know?

I would never do that, Kev. That’s Rotten Tomatoes’ job, but unlike…

[audience cheering, applauding]

But unlike those very fair and balanced critics, I actually respect you a little bit.

That’s why I asked you to present me with my award at Elle Woman in Hollywood.

But you was fake busy, talking about some, “I tried, I tried, Jumanji doing reshoots, head ass…” Shut up!

The fuck? So with that being said, why would I come to your shit?

Well, to be the bigger person, obviously.

Which honestly isn’t really hard around you.

But most importantly, Netflix paid me a lot of fucking money to write this letter.

Ain’t this a bitch?

[audience cheering, applauding]

Be my fucking friend and be here.

I’m here. I’m here. I’m here and this letter. I’m here. I’m here, here.

Because I damn sure wasn’t doing this shit for free.

I ain’t going to hold you, Kev.

But for the right price, here I am with this heartfelt letter.

Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss. Sealed it with a kiss, baby shit.

Um, you know what’s so crazy?

I remember when we first met, about 15 years ago, at a Halloween party. [Kevin] Yeah.

I was dressed as white boy Bob from Marketing, and you were dressed as Eddie Murphy. Here’s a photo.

[audience laughs]

[Kevin] Yeah. It’s a good time. We had a good time, T.

We had a good time this night, T.

I remember this night. We had a good fucking time.

Tell the people that we had a good fucking time.

Tell them that we had a good fucking time, T.

I got you. I got you.

Man, we had a great time. You know, look at us.

Just young and, you know, like, it was really a time– especially at a time where, like, everybody wanted to wear the sexy costumes.

Them bitches was kittens and shit.

You know, and then here our dumbasses just looking like Thomas Jefferson and one of his unclaimed Black kids.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah. I ain’t gonna front. We both got some audacity in that picture.

But, Kevin, you… dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian is unbelievable and is disrespectful and is inappropriate. Don’t ever do that shit again.

[audience cheering, applauding]

But in all seriousness, bro, no, real shit.

Bro, this is the serious part. I’m so serious.

I really, truly love you. You are a fucking little icon.

And like…

[audience cheering, applauding]

No, I really do. Like, you’re a fucking legend, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart, which thankfully for you is still above your head.

I’m sorry. You just said you was done.

You said you were done. Be fucking sweet. Come on.

Be nice to me. Come on. Fucking, we’re friends.

We’re real friends. Be my fucking friend. My feelings is hurt.

My letter’s over.

[Kevin] Okay. Oh, no.

Sincerely yours, T.

[Kevin] Oh, no, Teyana.

No, Teyana, don’t storm off. Teyana, don’t storm off.

Fuck.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Kevin] Make the people give some love.

Hey, keep it going for Teyana, everybody.

[Kevin] Thank you, Shane. Man.

Thank God she’s good looking, cuz boy, is that bitch not funny at all.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Also, Pete, Pete.

Pete, you’re the only one that can do it. Do it, brother.

Holy shit.

Just don’t let her read a letter again ever. Uh…

Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks to me later. [laughs]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Yes.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Tony reminds me of a prince who studies gladiators.

Look at the physique. Fuck yeah.

I’m so fucking entertained right now. Fuck yeah.

[laughs] I thought it was funny, dude.

All right, get ready to hear some real racist jokes from a guy who truly believes them and hopes JD Vance is watching.

Guys, Tony Hinchcliffe. Make some noise for Tony.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Hell yeah. One more time for Teyana Taylor, everybody.

That was amazing. This roast is so ghetto, I thought I heard a fire alarm chirp at one point during her set.

Are you still watching? One more time for Shane Gillis.

He looks like the type of slave owner that you can trick into buying Kevin Hart.

Uh, so, uh, he’ll get bigger, right? Uh…

[audience cheering, applauding]

If Kevin was a slave, his song would be, “Let My People Grow.”

This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is trying to fill Tom Brady’s shoes.

A lot of extra space.

That’s like Pete Davidson’s dick trying to fill Kim Kardashian’s vagina.

Indeed, the closest Pete has come to greatness is when his dick rubbed up against some of Kanye’s old cum.

Nobody can name a joke or a sketch you’ve ever done, Pete.

If your father could see how you turned out, he’d be rolling in his rubble.

Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit movie, One Battle After Another, which is how Lizzo describes stairs.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah.

We knew Chelsea Handler would be available today

because it’s Mother’s Day.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Chelsea is a Jew, that’s why she’s here. That’s also the best thing about her.

She once dated 50 Cent, not the first time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

Chelsea, why so serious?

[chuckles] She looks like the fucking Joker, people.

She’s aging like a vegetable in Lizzo’s fridge.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah, and she fucking sucks, and always has, by the way.

Her whole act is just talking about how it’s stupid to have kids.

We get it, your ovaries are busted.

That’s like if Kevin’s whole act was about how roller coasters

aren’t that cool anyway.

[audience cheering, applauding]

But seriously, Chelsea actually had her eggs frozen, not on purpose, they’re just inside of a cold, frigid bitch.

Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

Sheryl Underwood, more like Under A Rock, who even is this bitch?

You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that went through the dryer.

How have you been sitting next to me and playing drums the whole night?

[audience cheering, applauding]

That hair, the purple, you look like your own pussy.

She was on a show called The Talk for 13 years.

If you never saw it, here’s what you missed.

“No, no, no, hold up, let me, no, no, no, no, let me talk.”

Her husband committed suicide three years into their marriage.

I’ve been sitting next to her for two hours and I have to ask, how did he last that long?

[audience cheering, applauding]

Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has paid four million dollars in fines.

Did you name your daughter Cash because you plan on losing her anyway?

[audience cheering, applauding]

[chuckles] Cash, amazing.

She won’t even have to change her name when she gets hired at the strip club.

Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost of strawberry cheesecake.

[laughs]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yeah.

Jeff Ross beat cancer this year.

My good friend beat cancer.

[audience cheering, applauding]

But you know cancer is out there.

Cancer’s out there somewhere talking to its friends like, “You gotta see the other guy.” [audience cheering, applauding]

Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital gave him his bill, he’s like, “Can you put some of the cancer back in?”

[audience cheering, applauding]

[laughs]

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen, he was born nine months after his father spit a watermelon seed into his mother’s vagina.

[audience laughs]

Yep, I did that.

And then he was born, nine pounds, seven ounces, and he remains the same today.

Kevin is so small, people call him the lowercase N-word.

[audience cheering, applauding]

He was raised by a single mother and a stepladder.

Because of Kevin’s awful childhood and feelings of inadequacy, he became a workaholic to distract himself from the grief of who he is on the inside.

And to make matters worse, his inner child is taller than him.

But look at him now. Oh, you’re not wearing a chain.

I was gonna say nice chain, Kevin.

It would make a great bracelet for a normal-sized black man.

But you didn’t wear the normal chain that you wear to overcompensate for how small you are.

Kevin has so few Black friends that he started a vegan fast-food chain and nobody stopped him.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[laughs]

His vegan restaurant is like his movies, because you don’t have to go to know it fucking sucks.

Kevin, in a town full of successful pedophiles, it’s great to know that you are not one, but in fairness, if you ever tried, any fuckable ten-year-old would beat the living shit out of you.

[audience cheering, applauding] His audience is so ghetto that his merch table has more gunfire than Charlie Kirk’s.

[audience groans]

Kevin, if you’re here, who’s holding P Diddy’s pocket in jail?

Kevin has been so far up The Rock’s ass that he can actually smell what he’s been cooking.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Kevin– The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the size of a Black atom.

He’s won two Grammys, at least that’s what the scale says when he stands on it.

[audience cheering, applauding] Two Grammys.

Lizzo has ate… everything that’s ever been put in front of her.

[audience cheering, applauding]

But Lizzo, you look great. You really do.

People describing you no longer have to say the word “really” before saying the word “fat.”

[chuckles] She loves flutin’ as much as she loves gluten.

[audience cheering]

You know, Kevin, they told me not to mention your kids on this roast, but I must say, you did good.

They’ve gotten so big, they now buckle Kevin up in the car seat.

It’s true, he lost his gig hosting the Academy Awards because of some homophobic tweets, but you’d be homophobic too if you were eye level with everyone’s cock.

[audience cheering, applauding]

He got into a fist fight on a private plane, proof that no matter how much money Black people have, they’re still just gonna act like ninjas is fighting.

[laughs]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a Black comedian from Philadelphia.

And like Bill Cosby, women don’t know when Kevin is inside of them.

You’ve done good, though, Kevin. The Black community is so proud of you.

Right now, George Floyd is looking up at us all, laughing so hard that he can’t breathe. [audience groans]

God bless you, Kevin. God bless this room.

And God bless the United States of America.

Thank you so much.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Shane] Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Hey, a lot of people wanted him to fail and he just fucking killed.

Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Sheryl Underwood is here. Yeah, Sheryl.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Sheryl got a standing ovation once on Def Jam.

Now she’s deaf, eats jam, and has trouble standing.

Sheryl was in the Air Force, but she couldn’t fly.

And neither could her husband, who jumped off… [chuckles]

[audience cheering, applauding]

…who jumped off a building, and he died from that. [chuckles]

I swear to God, I called her before this to ask if that was okay.

I would have never done that.

But now she’s a Christian comic, so this should fucking suck. Uh…

No, she’s the best. Make some noise, Sheryl Underwood, everybody.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

[music concludes]

First of all…

Tony, you think you hurt my feelings by talking about my dead husband?

My husband only died once.

You die every night with them whack-ass jokes you be telling.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I love the fact that you white boy comics want to say all the words that Black comics get canceled for saying.

And I’m glad that y’all brought back words like “midget” and “retard.”

No, Kevin, I’m not talking about you when I say “midget.”

But yes, Shane, I’m talking about you when I say “retard.”

[audience laughs, applauds]

Now, I know it’s some shit in that motherfucking teleprompter, but I’m glad that, Shane, your motherfucking ass, stopped that wigger.

‘Cause had you said anything that sound bigger, trigger, or anything that sound like n*gga, you wouldn’t have made it out of motherfucking Inglewood alive.

[cheering and applause]

You don’t know where the fuck you are.

You will respect us in this house.

This is the fucking forum built by the Showtime Lakers.

[cheering and applause]

And I want to thank Netflix and Kevin Hart for bringing us all together.

Freedom of speech is alive today.

It shows that we can all come together and crack jokes on each other and still respect each other.

And… Hold on, hold on, I gotta say this.

[cheering and applause]

My ex-boo, John Stamos, is in the house.

And yeah, y’all brought up when I was on The Talk.

[cheering and applause]

And when I was on The Talk, I got to tongue kiss John Stamos.

Before he married that girl, I put my tongue all the way down his esophagus.

[audience laughing]

I can’t say what he said after that.

All I can say, he married a young bitch and took her to Disneyland.

[audience laughing]

Shane, you may talk some shit about me, but I know your kind.

You want to hit this Black pussy harder than you hit the windows of the Capitol on January 6th.

[audience laughing, cheering]

[Sheryl] You know who the fuck you talking to?

I know you want to fuck me.

[audience laughing]

‘Cause you’re tired of fucking your sister.

[audience laughing]

So, you want to fuck a real sister.

[audience laughing]

All this Black pussy in here.

Shane dick getting harder and harder.

I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo…

[audience laughing]

…and lose.

[audience laughing]

But none of us are gonna fuck your pasty white-boy ass.

Well, maybe… maybe I will, okay? [chuckles]

I’m on a tour called “I Need a Job Tour,” so, come on, motherfucker, let’s go.

Big Jay.

Now, you cute, I… Big Jay, listen to me. You sexy, you get that pussy.

[audience laughing]

Over there looking like Guy Fieri.

[audience laughing]

You know we like diners, drive-ins, and dicks, so, let’s go, motherfucker.

You not just a snack, you a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

Got that big football player body, and I know football players.

I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.

[audience laughing]

The offensive line, the defensive line, the offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, coaching staff, team doctor, the dudes selling the hot dogs, the motherfucker that wrote “Fly Eagle Fly.”

I fucked him too.

That was one hell of a party.

[audience laughing]

So, Draymond, I heard you was a bully.

[audience booing]

Well, come on over here and beat this pussy up then.

Come on, let’s go.

[audience laughing]

Keep rolling your teleprompter.

I would fuck you Draymond, but I’m afraid of heights.

I’m only 5’2.

but I’m still two inches taller than Kevin Hart, you mighty mouse motherfucker. They wrote that, they wrote that.

The white people wrote it. The white people…

The white people… I didn’t… The fuck is that?

I’m just saying it to get the check, motherfucker, goddamn.

[audience laughing] Pete Davison, I just wanna know, what is in your dick that’s driving these bitches crazy?

[audience laughing]

And whatever it is, can you put it in Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking Black men?

[audience laughing]

[Sheryl] I’m sorry, Chelsea, I had to say that one. They paid me, they paid me.

Question for the dais, who has had more Black dick in this town, me or Chelsea Handler?

[audience cheering]

The answer is… Tony Hinchcliffe.

[audience laughing]

[Sheryl] And for all of you who were thinking that, you’ve won a brand new car.

[audience laughing]

Now let’s talk about Kevin.

No, no, no, I gotta do it. For the check, Ted told me.

Ted at the luncheon said, “Bitch, say this shit or you’re not getting paid.”

I gotta do what Ted said.

I gotta do what I got to say, okay.

I wasn’t going to say this shit, but Kevin and I hooked up once before he got married.

[Kevin laughing]

[audience laughing]

Before he got married.

He got stuck in my pussy.

I tied a rope around his neck and pulled him out like a tampon.

Hold on. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

That’s not in the prompter. I’m sorry. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Kevin Hart is packing.

Kevin Hart is packing. He’s packing ten inches in his pants.

They’re his legs, but it’s still ten inches. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching his movies.

The first five minutes are okay…

[Kevin laughing]

…then you’re just waiting for it to be over.

[audience laughing]

[Sheryl] I don’t know, it could get rogue.

[laughs] You gotta say it.

You gotta say it.

[Sheryl] Okay, ready?

Ready? [chuckles] You gotta say it.

You think he’s loud in his movies?

When we were fucking… [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

…he was hollering and screaming and shaking.

I said, “Will you shut the fuck up… before somebody think I’m watching one of your movies?”

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

[Kevin] Yes, Sheryl! All right.

So, I want to say this with all the love.

You have done what we asked you to do in the culture.

You’ve represented us well.

You’ve been a great businessman and a great performer.

Today, we are proud to stand here to roast, ’cause we only roast who we love, and we truly love you.

[Kevin] Fuckin’ Sheryl. Good night.

[cheering and applause]

[Shane] Sheryl Underwood!

[cheering and applause]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This motherfucker hugs me and go, “Can I still get that pussy though?”

[laughs] [laughs]

Keep it going for Bernie Smack.

[audience laughing]

[Shane] Just thought of that one, let’s go.

Uh… [laughs]

But, yeah, that was honestly… That was incredible.

This is… Now, yeah. It feels good now. Now…

Earlier I was like, this isn’t as good as the Tom Brady roast.

Now it feels pretty good.

[audience laughing]

Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make some noise.

[cheering and applause]

They added her last minute, so I don’t really have anything for her, but here’s a joke we couldn’t do for Sheryl.

It’s something about Aunt Jemima. [chuckles] I don’t know, it got cut.

It was clever, you would’ve loved it.

Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody. Make some noise.

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering and applause]

Wow.

[cheering, applause]

Thank you, Kevin.

It’s very nice to be here.

It’s been tough, you know, I mean, having to sit here and watch you, and you haven’t been able to talk back.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve known Kevin for twenty years.

I’ve been to all of his shows.

Well, not all of them.

I’ve seen his movies, and despite that, I am still here tonight.

[audience laughs]

No, seriously, Kevin, I’ve been listening to all of these people, and I don’t think you deserved any of those insults.

I– I’m here actually as a true friend.

So I thought I would share something, this is honest, sacred, that only you and I know, Kevin.

Now, Kevin and I go– we go back, as I said, and there’s one special thing that only Kevin and I know about.

Kevin’s mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her soul, she communicates with me sometimes.

No, this is actually the truth.

Many, many, many, many years ago, do you remember when I called and I told you that she said don’t go to Vegas?

She said, “Kevin, don’t go in there and accidentally fuck that girl.”

She said… She said…

No, she said, “Kevin, go to 1515,” but I wrote it down wrong. Do you remember?

Because I had been drinking that night.

She knew there was a camera in that room, Kevin, and she tried.

So I want to say I’m sorry, Kevin, because that was on me.

That was my bad, but tonight, Kevin, I got it.

I’m not gonna mess up.

I’m sober.

Okay, so I wrote down some other things that your mother, that she’s expressed, and I’d like to read them tonight.

These I got right.

“Kevin, I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”

“You won best picture of the year.”

Oh, wait, no, no, that’s for me.

Hold on.

Because you didn’t win, Kevin.

But thank you, Miss Nancy.

Now, here we go. Here we go for real.

Kevin.

All right.

She misses your movies.

She says they don’t go up there in heaven because it’s heaven.

Oh, oh, but she said your dad is enjoying them all down where he is.

That was very sweet.

She says she regrets not being there for you when your father passed.

Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker die.

[Kevin] Okay. All right.

Tell Kevin that’s a quote, okay?

She says that she’s sorry that she always treated your brother better, but that’s only because she loved him more.

That’s enough, Regina.

Oh, wait, wait.

And now she’s saying I told you not to do that.

Oh, no, that’s about your failed vegan fast food chain.

Okay. All right.

No, no, she just said, n*gga, you grew up on Philly cheesesteaks.

Why you ain’t start a chain of that shit?

I’m sorry, Kevin.

No, no, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

More stuff is coming through.

It’s like I’m Oda Mae Brown out here.

Hold on.

Pete!

No, this is sweet.

I’m only here with love tonight.

No one has to worry.

She says that your dad, he misses you, and he sees your success.

He wants to know what it was like to fuck Kate Beckinsale, Emily Ratatouille, Ariana Gran–

I can’t name them all.

Ariana Grande… We’ll get to it later, Pete.

He also says you inherited your dick size from him and you’re welcome.

She says, tell Big Jay I’ll see him in about three weeks.

[Kevin] Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Regina, that’s enough.

Regi– Sorry.

She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all up there and they want to say…

Thank you.

You made the right decision.

She also said, I told you Teyana might bomb.

I’m sorry.

I’m just downloading, guys.

Last thing, finally, Miss Nancy says, thank you all for being here to celebrate my son.

I love you, Kevin Hart.

[chuckles]

Have fun on your big night.

And now– Oh.

[sighs] I have to get back to Michael Clarke Duncan, who’s been a deep green mile in this pussy

for the past three months.

[Kevin] What the fuck?

[audience laughing] Regina!

Regina!

[contestants laugh]

The fuck is that?

It’s Mother’s Day. [laughs]

Sorry.

She said they run trains in heaven.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Wait, what do you mean the other heaven?

Not your… [breathes shakily]

What? What the fuck? [breathes shakily]

Don’t! Regina, look at me. [chuckles] I’m sorry.

Don’t fucking– Don’t–

[Regina] I didn’t say it.

There’s hope for us in the afterlife, ladies.

They’re fucking up there.

All right.

[audience laughing]

In closing, I just want to share a heartfelt memory that I have.

And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

I was doing a movie and I walked on set, everyone, not knowing what I was in for.

The director told me that I needed to do an improv scene with the funniest motherfucker that he had ever worked with.

He called action and it was magic.

I was in awe watching this man work.

So quick, so funny.

His large stature was beyond his physical height.

[Kevin laughs]

[audience laughing]

I will never forget how it felt performing with him.

He was so great, and he still is.

[Katt] I’m the last person they want in this motherfucker right here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Yes, yes, Kevin.

My special gift to you.

[chuckles] It’s the other capital motherfucking K everyone, Katt Williams.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[rendition of “Shaft” theme playing]

[Roots singing indistinctly]

♪ Kevin still looks up to you ♪

♪ The type of man that kevin hart Wished he could be ♪

[music concludes]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Hello Kevin.

[audience chuckling]

Hello Katt.

I’m surprised they invited me.

[audience laughing, cheering]

That’s how little star power you have. They had to start inviting your enemies.

I said, “I hate him.”

They said, “Come anyway.” [laughs]

[audience laughing]

Very humble of me to be at your GOAT roast tonight, Kevin.

I’ve won an Emmy Award, but this is gonna be my best acting tonight, as I pretend like you are a GOAT.

[audience laughing]

For the people at home, you’re wondering, “Why is the Katt man doing this?”

For the money, bitch.

[audience laughing, applauding]

This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.

[audience laughing]

Only one with a soul.

Kevin, you’re gonna hear some things tonight that you’re not familiar with.

Those things are called punchlines.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

Is this deus the best that the industry could put together for dear old Kev?

I’m not sure if the Illuminati is real or if this is the junior varsity version, but…

[laughter]

For those of you just joining us, Kevin and I have beef.

And I’ll tell you why.

‘Cause privately, this motherfucker stole everything from me.

Before he saw my act, he was a six-foot-three white man.

[audience laughing]

I tried to tell y’all that Kevin Hart was a plant.

[audience chuckling]

‘Cause I keep burying him, he keeps springing back the fuck up.

Just like a plant.

Yes, I said some things I’d like to take back.

Some things I said were misunderstood.

I did say that Kevin was a Hollywood puppet, and I want to explain that.

Because it might not be what you think.

I meant that the head of Netflix literally has his whole hand up Kevin’s ass and can make him do anything.

[audience laughing]

Kevin only has one rule in his movies, no N-word.

And that N word is “No.”

[audience laughing]

He’s never fucking said it, never ever.

Scary Movie 3, Ride Along, Night School, Get Hard.

I turned down all of them.

Cause I was not comfortable being a coon.

[audience laughing]

Went right behind me for the same price.

If you’re gonna see a Kevin Hart movie, do yourself a favor, see it in a Black theater so you can hear words like, “I want my motherfucking money back.”

And “I want my money back too.”

Or “This is some bullshit, I want my money back.”

[laughs]

Even The Rock can’t save your ass.

[audience laughing]

Kevin and The Rock have what you call a bromance.

That’s when two actors secretly fuck the shit out of each other.

[audience laughing] [laughs]

But seriously, how can you not love Kevin?

Only two people have done that, me and his father.

[audience laughing] [laughs]

Kevin once said if his son was gay, he would take a dollhouse and hit him over the head with it, which is arguably the gayest way to abuse a child.

[audience laughing, applauding]

But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

You just can’t do it. He’s made of Teflon.

They tried to cancel him for being homophobic and I don’t get it.

I’m saying the guy who’s obsessed with shopping sprees and fitness, always surrounded by ten dudes and Chelsea Handler and oiled up half-Samoan bodybuilders, and a vegan restaurant and bought yoga pants.

You think that guy is homophobic? That guy is a fairy, bitch.

He is not.

[audience laughing]

[Katt] That’s the gayest man I ever met. You slay, queen. You do that.

[audience laughing, applauding]

They tried to cancel Kevin for the Diddy parties.

They hurled allegations at him.

But thanks to all the baby oil…

[audience laughing]

…the charges didn’t stick.

Kevin famously was at a brunch of– [scoffs] A brunch.

[audience chuckling]

Kevin was at a bunch of Diddy parties, but in his defense, it was only ’cause Diddy thought he was ten.

[audience laughing]

Kevin even hosted a record release party for P. Diddy.

There was a record number of releases on the bed, in the pool, on the floor, everywhere but the hoes.

[audience laughing]

But I want to be clear, just because Kevin went to Diddy parties does not mean he did something wrong.

The fact that he gets all quiet when you bring it up…

[audience laughing]

…that means he did something wrong.

[audience laughing, applauding] [laughs]

Yet people give him awards. [sighs]

Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where you travel back in time, and Mark Twain takes his motherfucking award back

and calls you the N-word.

[audience laughing]

Now, that’s a good movie, so I know you’ll pass on it.

All right, listen.

I could go on all night hating on Kevin Hart. I have perfected it.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Katt] But at some point… [laughs]

…you’ve got to look yourself in the mirror and say, “Do I really want to have beef with the rabbit, Snowball, from The Secret Life of Pets 2?”

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yes, I do, Kevin.

Yes, I do.

Motherfucker wouldn’t even play a Black rabbit.

Can you imagine the coonery?

[audience laughing, applauding]

I’m out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank y’all so much.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Kevin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, Katt, Katt, wait. Hold on.

Just give me, give me one fucking minute.

Me and this man have been at odds for years on years.

You coming out here, quite the fucking surprise, but Katt, I can sit and I can watch you, I can laugh, because I’m a fucking fan first, okay?

I’m a fan first.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Katt, we have an opportunity in real time, this is live television, to put our fucking beef behind us.

I am offering you an olive branch of peace.

I wanna be a brother, I wanna be a friend.

Katt, I wanna move on.

Can we move on, man? Can we move on?

[audience cheering, applauding]

Katt Williams one time, ladies and gentlemen, Katt fucking Williams.

[audience cheering, applauding]

All right, how about that? Those little tiny guys being friends.

So funny, like they’re gonna do something.

“What are you gonna do?” Shut up.

Fucking 220-pound man being like, “you wanna squash some beef or what?”

Shut up. [chuckles]

They’re so little, who cares?

[chuckles]

And now, to present Kevin with a very special gift from Compton, California, American Icons, Venus and Serena Williams.

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

[music concludes]

[cheering, applause]

Have we won a few Grand Slam titles?

Forty-eight actually between us and eight Olympic gold medals.

We have been called the GOATs in our own right.

We have also been called to do this tonight.

And we did say no three times.

But Kevin is a friend, so we’re here.

But our question remains, what are you the GOAT of?

So what awards does Kevin have? Is it an Oscar?

No, no, no. Okay, Emmy, right?

No. Grammy?

No, actually that’s our girl, Lizzo. Hey, Lizzo.

[Serena] Hey.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I thought he said he had the EGOT.

He did, but as in, he ain’t got no awards.

[both chuckle]

Okay, okay. But you don’t need to have an award to be a GOAT.

You can be a GOAT of so many things.

Well, maybe he’s a GOAT of freestyle rapping.

No, I think that’s Black Thought.

[audience cheer]

[Serena] Okay, so maybe he’s the GOAT of football?

No, it’s Tom Brady. I heard he already left.

Honestly, I don’t blame him.

I guess a G does have to stand for “great,” or it doesn’t have to stand for great.

Oh. Maybe it stands for grating?

Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

You know, you don’t have to be great. You don’t have to be great.

Maybe he’s good. Maybe he’s the goodest of all time.

[chuckles] He’s a good time.

He’s definitely a good time. Baby oil.

But seriously… [laughs] …seriously, Kevin, we got nothing but love.

We love you. We love you so much.

And as you know in tennis, love means nothing.

[audience laughing]

But since we didn’t wanna leave you with nothing again, we brought you the most coveted GOAT ring, which we give to the most honorable guest.

Here you go.

Oh my God. That’s a ring for me?

[Venus] It’s a ring for you. Come on up. Come up here.

There you go. Oh, my God.

And if you don’t want it, you can pawn it two blocks from here, you know.

Yes, okay. No, I want it.

Oh, and one more thing. Can you sit down?

Yeah, sorry. This is our moment.

[both chuckle]

Kevin Hart production wouldn’t be complete without this one man.

[“We Will Rock You” rendition playing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

[audience cheering]

Finally!

Daddy’s home.

[audience cheering]

Yes. We’re gonna put some kerosene on this bitch.

We’re gonna burn this motherfucker down.

What’s up, Inglewood?

[audience cheering]

My boy, Aaron Donald.

This is what you’re doing in retirement. That’s fucked up.

You owe me a workout.

[Dwayne] Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I know what JLo is thinking, thank fuck The Rock has arrived.

Yes, I’m here.

Finally.

I’ve been waiting my entire life for this, where I can come to a Kevin Hart roast.

I could have fun.

[audience member] Whoo!

Whoo! Thank you.

And I could just talk shit.

The franchise Viagra is in the house.

Now this roast can go hard all night long.

Buckle up, Netflix.

Tudum, motherfuckers.

Now, I know what you’re all assuming is that I’m here to carry another shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

But for once, that’s not the case.

I’m actually here tonight because someone needs to chew up Kevin’s food and spit it in his mouth.

Isn’t that right, my little chocolate baby bird?

You laugh because it’s true.

Hello, Kevin. Shut up.

Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

None of you dudes, you sons of bitches, none of you have the right to talk shit about Kevin and put him down.

None of you have the right to talk shit about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

Only me.

I know every single guy on this dais would piss themselves if I took a punch.

I know one guy who would cum if I choked him out.

Stop smiling, Jeff.

[inaudible]

Jeff Ross, my friends, good to see you.

Good to see you, I love you too. Thank you.

You know where I come from, we have a word for guys like you, fat.

How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right now in this fucking red outfit?

Jeff is so gross, he’s a sixty-year-old bachelor who’s never been married and no one has ever even suggested that he might be gay.

[inaudible]

You would fuck me?

[Jeff] Yeah.

God, well I wouldn’t fuck you, so sit down and shut up.

And what the fuck are you laughing at, Shane?

I’m gonna get him.

Shane, why? [laughs]

‘Cause I’m drunk and you’re gonna get it, that’s it.

Shane, if you’re here tonight, then who’s out in the woods ass-raping canoers until they squeal like a pig?

[The Roots playing banjo music]

Oh, shut up, The Roots.

If you’re gonna play the fucking song, play it right, from Deliverance.

[vocalizing]

I don’t know what the fuck you just played.

[chuckles] He’s like, no money.

All right, well, fuck, that ain’t my problem.

You know…

You know, Shane Gillis and I actually worked out together once.

True story. You’re smiling because it’s true.

It happened.

And he was throwing some weights around and I was impressed.

You know, he was a fit guy.

But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his mom.

No, true story. That bitch had a six pack.

Every night she was pregnant with Shane.

You drink ’cause it’s true.

And one of my favorites, hello, Chelsea.

Whoo!

You look beautiful.

Everybody, yes, yeah. Chelsea, by the way.

Don’t fuck with Chelsea.

Everyone’s been here. They come up talking shit about you.

That ain’t easy to do. You hold your own. You’re just a boss lady up here.

I wanna come out here and I wanna give Chelsea her flowers.

I just want to take a minute, yes, I want to take a minute to congratulate Chelsea because BET just gave her poontang a Lifetime Achievement Award.

It’s true, right, Kevin?

Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

Chelsea recently said, marriage is outdated.

But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is dying alone.

Chelsea also said she can’t be racist because she fucks a lot of Black guys.

Which is like Tony saying he can’t be homophobic because he fucks a lot of Black guys.

Tony, look at you, you little sassy bigot.

You look like, I’m gonna cook, you look like a plantation owner who makes his slaves perform musicals.

Draymond is in the house, my guy.

Wait a second, hey, Draymond, that’s your name, right?

That’s my boy. I was thinking about this, you know.

Of all the cool ass Black names you could have, that is the laziest fucking Black name I’ve ever heard.

Because all you did was put a D in front of Raymond.

Yeah. It’s fucking dretarded.

And on top of all that, your retarded name, your team got bounced from the playoffs.

So I’m just saying, ’cause you’re my boy and I love you, maybe it’s time to retire.

I’m sorry, to dretire.

And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky little motherfucker.

We go way back, Pete. Yes, we do.

You look like a white guy doing blackface doing whiteface.

What the fuck?

[inaudible]

[Dwayne] How the fuck, I love you too.

And somehow you’re still the best-looking guy on this dais until I showed up. It’s just me and you.

Shut up, Kevin.

And I wanna just take a moment just to give a shout out, give flowers to all the ladies up here on this dais.

You all look beautiful, magnificent, sexy.

You know who else looks sexy?

Kevin’s wife, Eniko.

[Kevin] What the fuck?

What do you mean, what the fuck? Just sit down.

I’m just giving her compliment.

Okay, no, listen. No fucking listen.

What the fuck are you doing?

It’s my fucking wife. I know, I’m just giving her compliment.

She looks beautiful and sexy.

[Kevin] That’s not how you said it.

You didn’t say it like that the first time.

How did I say it? What do you mean?

You said it different the first time.

[Dwayne] I said she’s sexy.

Don’t fucking say it like that.

Don’t do that.

Don’t fucking do that. Hold on, Chelsea.

Don’t you think it’s time for your wife to have a real man?

What?

Don’t you think it’s time for Eniko to be with somebody that is bigger than her?

[Dwayne] Yes.

I think my wife is real happy.

Let’s ask her. Let’s ask her. See if she’s happy.

She doesn’t look happy. I know my wife is fucking happy.

I don’t know if she’s happy.

[Shane] Kevin’s a little humper. That’s a genre.

Honey, are you happy with me?

One hundred percent. You know what she just said?

[Chelsea] Would you be happier with The Rock?

Or any rock?

[Kevin] Yeah, did you hear what she just said?

She just said, fuck him. That’s what she just said.

[Dwayne] She didn’t say that. She said, fuck you.

[Dwayne] Okay, well listen, I’m gonna tell you what.

Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea’s getting an award for her poontang, Lifetime Achievement Award.

Your wife, her poontang and awards, she deserves an award, an Academy Award for pretending she likes to fuck you.

That’s the thing.

[Kevin] What the fuck was that?

[Dwayne] Yes.

[Kevin] You son of a bitch. And the award goes to.

[Kevin] You fuck stick.

You fuck stick.

Okay, listen, all right, I’m not gonna do that, I won’t do that.

Hey, Eniko.

I’m just gonna say, how about later on tonight, you and I together, we’ll open up a bottle of tequila and we…

Stop squirming, Kevin, don’t look at me like that.

[Chelsea] A bottle of Grand Cormino tequila.

Grand Cormino. You and The Rock.

You’ll throw up with that, as you usually do, listen.

You want Teremana, you want the good shit, you want The Rock, the good shit. Listen, they know.

All right, but as you know, we’ll let you watch like we always do, okay?

Hey, it’s just jokes from the corner of the room, strapped tight in your cuck high chair.

Listen.

I’m not a sick fuck.

All right. Well, you guys can Google what that means later.

Listen. Here’s the thing.

I actually get why women love Kevin Hart.

I totally get it. I know. Well, I’ll tell you why.

He’s the same size and color as their favorite dildo.

And the little motherfucker is twice as loud.

You know, ladies and gentlemen… You laugh because it’s true.

But you know…

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin and I actually have, we have many things in common.

It’s why the guy’s my best friend and something else we have in common is, yeah, we do.

And I love the guy and we also have this in common is recently, both of our dads died.

[Kevin] It’s true. It’s true.

And I thought, well, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up because it’s heavy, but I thought, it is something that bonds us.

And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.

As many of you may know, my old man, he came here to the Forum back in the ’70s.

My dad, he was the “Soul Man” Rocky Johnson.

He was a bad dude in the game.

Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad.

He was tall and strong and big. And where’s he at?

No, that’s not him. Where’s he at?

Somewhere.

He’s somewhere, he looked like a superhero.

Where is my dad?

They put him out there. He’s out there, okay, good.

Can you guys see my old man?

Okay, cool, there he is, yeah.

He was a fucking tank, you know?

Now, whereas Kevin’s dad.

[laughs]

[Kevin] You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

What the fuck was that, man?

You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

There’s a better picture of my dad.

[Dwayne] Okay, okay. [laughs]

No, I just wanted to show both our dads showing their chest and what their bodies look like. Okay, look, you are right.

Come on, guys.

[audience laughing]

There’s a bitter picture of Kevin’s dad.

That’s right.

Whoever released these pictures are fired.

You’re fucking fired.

[laughs] Son of a bitch.

There he is. That is a legit mugshot of Kevin’s dad.

[laughs] And as we all know, I met Kevin’s dad.

And as we all know, you know, Kevin’s dad, Kevin’s dad, he was a crackhead.

[Kevin] Yeah. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

And he loved the crack.

And that was before he even met Kevin.

You know, Kevin realized that the only way to win his dad’s love was if he too fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

[audience laughs]

And Kevin, just like your dad, it’s wild how much you need the rock.

[audience laughs]

[Dwayne] Oh, Kevin. [laughs]

It’s good.

Ah, my little crack baby, Kevin.

My little crack baby, Kevin.

You know, your dad, true story, his dad even named Kevin after crack.

Yes, because he legitimately thought it was spelled with a K.

True story. And what’s the medical term for that?

Oh, fucking idiot. Yes. [laughs]

Now, I know, you’re sweating and crying. I know, I know you well.

I know our dads right now are looking down on us from the clouds and I hope they’re proud.

I think they are.

You know, I know your dad has to look a little harder because you’re a fucking dwarf.

But, but…

I love you brother.

[Kevin] I love you too. Thank you.

I know you love me too. I love you, yes, I do.

I really do.

[audience cheering, applauding]

And just to prove it, just last week I got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

Yeah, whoo! On my cock.

Yeah, life size too.

Kevin, I want to show you really quickly.

Get the fuck out of here. Okay, okay, okay.

Stop it, man. Okay, no problem, no.

Eniko, I’ll show you later.

[Kevin] Hey, what the fuck?

I’m sorry.

[Kevin] What the fuck are you doing, man?

[Dwayne] I’m sorry, listen.

What the fuck is that? Okay, I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

It’s my fucking wife, man.

[Dwayne] I’m kidding, she’s already seen it. Listen.

What the fuck is happening? I’m joking.

The fuck are you doing, man? It’s jokes.

It’s my fucking wife, man.

Mwah! She’s the best. I’m kidding, okay.

But in all seriousness, I would like to make a toast to you.

Can I make a toast to Kevin?

Yes. Yes. My brother?

All right. Yes.

Let’s do it, let’s do it. Here, I’ll pour myself one.

You pour yourself one. Yeah.

You pour the Grand Cormino. Yeah, I have the Grand Cormino.

Okay. I’ll pour the Teremana.

Why would you say that about my fucking wife?

I’m gonna talk to you later. [stutters]

I’ll talk to you fucking later.

But you’re the one who said, “Hey, listen, fucking say anything you want.”

No, have a good time, but what the fuck was that?

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Come on, let’s take a toast.

Okay, let’s take a toast. You know what, here, let me sit down.

Yeah, go, you sit down. Let me sit down.

No, you sit down, let me sit down.

Come on. All right.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Um… Hey, listen.

Before the toast comes, it’s only right. Yeah.

Come sit on my knee.

Yes. No, what do you mean, “Don’t”?

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Dwayne] No, what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Shut up, Shane. I’m not sitting on your fucking knee.

Sit on my knee. I’m not sitting on your fucking knee.

We’re gonna show brotherly love.

You’re gonna sit on my knee. No, no, no. I’m live on Netflix.

[Chelsea] Do it! Do it! I’m not sitting on your fucking knee.

[Chelsea] Everyone wants you to sit down. Chelsea.

I know you’re gonna fucking do it. Chelsea, shut the fuck up.

Yes, yes. No.

No. Shane. Yes.

Katt Williams would be right. Katt Williams would be right.

Shane, no.

Don’t let Katt win. Do you wanna see Kevin Hart sit on my knee?

[audience cheering, applauding] There you go.

Okay. Sit on my knee.

I got a– I got a better question.

Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves?

Because I’m not fucking doing it! [laughs]

No, man. Come on.

[Kevin] No, fuck you, man.

[Dwayne] I– I– I really mean this.

No, I mean this, man. Fuck you. Okay, well– well, get close.

All right, I’ll sit right here. I’ll sit on this.

All right, come on. Okay.

Come on. All right.

To brotherhood, to friendship. Absolutely.

And I– I am always in your corner.

Fucking love you. And I love you, man.

I love you more, man. I love you, too.

Love you more. It’s my brother, man.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

That’s not for you. That’s good shit. Let me try this.

That’s good shit, too.

Uh, this is for Daddy. This is for you.

What the fuck are you talking about? Get a good latch.

What?

My titties ain’t sucking themselves, now you get down here

and you suck on this tit. Hey, man– [laughs]

Come on, get up, get up, sit down, sit down.

Get the fuck off me, what is your fucking issue?

Do you wanna see Kevin latch onto this nipple?

Okay, all right, okay, all right, that’s it.

They do. Sit down. That’s it. Get the fuck out of here.

What do you mean– Get the fuck out of here!

They ain’t sucking themselves. That’s it. Fuck you, man.

Get d– [laughs] Fuck you!

Get d– No, I’m not doing shit.

Oh, now you don’t want to do it because it’s a live crowd?

I don’t want to do it because I’m– Oh, now you don’t want to do it.

I’ve never sucked your fucking titties.

[Dwayne] You have. What do you mean?

Fuck you, DJ.

[Dwayne] Oh, now you’ve never cradled my balls either?

You know what? Okay. All right. That’s it.

All right. That’s it. That’s it. Okay, fine, all right.

You’re done. You’re fucking done. Fuck this.

Wrap it up. Sit down.

[Kevin] Wrap it up.

[Dwayne] Sit the fuck down.

Well, fuck you. Wrap it up.

Now you don’t want to suck it.

Okay, fine. Fucking… bald–

That’s all right. Fucking piece of shit, wrap it up.

[Dwayne] That’s all right, that’s all right.

Jesus Christ.

Eniko, you know what’s coming tonight.

Okay, that’s it.

[Kevin] Okay, all right.

Just a little this, this, this, this, this, this all night.

Listen, all right.

[audience laughing]

Jesus.

You know…

This is why my jaws always hurt from hanging out with you–

What the fuck does that mean? No, no, no. No, no. I meant–

What the fuck are you saying, man? You know what I meant.

I meant ’cause I laugh so fucking hard with this guy.

That’s what I meant. All right?

[Kevin] Okay, well say that first.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

Jesus.

All right, the time has finally arrived.

Just one more thing for him to suck at.

Clearly won’t be my areola tonight, but ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce my friend, my brother, the one we are all here to celebrate here tonight and everywhere around the world watching live on Netflix.

I love you, I’m fucking proud of you, and I will always have your back.

Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Regardless, but this ain’t no Kevin I’m heartless ♪

♪ Bitch, I’m the biggest, the largest ♪

♪ Been stepping on cheese Since my mama lived in an apartment ♪

Wow.

♪ But this ain’t no Kevin, I’m heartless ♪

[Kevin] Um…

[music concludes]

[audience cheering, applauding]

You know, the– the rebuttal– the rebuttal that I have in store, I don’t think is, uh… is podium friendly.

So y’all can get the podium the fuck out the way.

Let’s– Let’s lower the fucking podium. Um…

We heard a lot of shit tonight.

We heard a lot of shit tonight and like I told everybody on this day is, I said, “I want you to go as hard as you want because I get the mic last.”

And unlike other roasts, what they’ve never had is a polished fucking comedian as such go last.

So what I wanna do, I wanna make you guys understand, like, you basically have told me you want a real n*gga tonight.

You want a real n*gga here.

So you’re gonna get a real n*gga.

A real n*gga is what you want, then a real n*gga is what you will get.

Okay?

You want a real n*gga response?

Then I’m gonna give you a real n*gga response.

At this point, I wanna take the moment just to talk to my sponsors, my business partners, my brand partnerships, and I’m gonna tell you, for the next 15 minutes, put a pause on our relationships, because what I’m about to do is not business friendly.

I’m going to be raw.

And when I say raw, I really mean raw.

I’m talking raw like the inside of Lizzo’s thighs.

Uh…

[audience laughing]

There’s no skin there. There’s no skin at all.

Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler takes.

We’re gonna go raw tonight.

Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe’s asshole when Joe Rogan finishes.

We’re gonna go raw.

In order to be raw, I need my bitch.

Give me my bitch, please.

[gun cocking] Yeah.

Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me make sure it’s loaded.

[gun cocking] One more time.

[gun cocking] Yeah, because I’m about to take shots, okay?

Boy, oh boy.

We’re going to start with Dwayne, my friend the Rock.

Fuck, man.

He shocked me. He fucking shocked me.

I didn’t know he was going to be here, he came.

And it’s crazy because that’s my friend. Like, we’re really close.

And, you know, a lot of people have said bad things about Dwayne, and I’ve taken up for them.

A lot of people have said that Dwayne is on Ozempic.

They thought he was on fucking Ozempic.

I’m the one that said he’s not on Ozempic.

That’s not Ozempic.

I’m here to tell you guys tonight that what you’re looking at… is full-blown AIDS, okay?

That’s AIDS. Hit him in the head one time.

[gunshot] Yeah, we’re gonna shoot these bitches tonight.

[audience laughing]

I’m not talking about the good stuff, not the Magic Johnson AIDS.

What you’re looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia AIDS.

The– The– Yeah, the AIDS– [laughs]

The AIDS that takes your body weight like that, that gives you a drastic change over-fucking-night.

Fuck him. Do me a favor.

Hit him in the head one more time.

[gunshot]

Yeah!

I’m gonna fucking shoot the fuck out of you all night, DJ.

[inaudible] No, it’s not enough.

No, it’s not, because you’re starting to look weird.

It’s starting to look bad. You look like a–

You look like a ninja turtle with no shell.

You look like a fucking… [laughs]

Yeah! Shoot him again!

[gunshot] Yeah!

Fuck him!

You know, I’ve been talking to Sony.

I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji 4 now because I don’t know if we have much time left with DJ. [laughs]

He could die soon.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I’m not gonna lie, I miss the old Rock.

Close friends we are, man.

We used to teach each other a lot of things.

Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do movie stunts.

I know how to do movie stunts because of him, right?

I told him things in return.

I taught him how to sound out words.

“Sound it out.”

[audience laughing]

“Sound it out.”

I taught him how to point at images of fruit so we could know what he wanted to eat on set.

[audience laughing]

“Papaya, got it. Pa-pa-ya, yes.”

That’s a caveman joke.

Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey joke, you racist fuck.

I know you did.

You know, listen to this, man.

You know, most people don’t know the things that I know about DJ, man. The Rock is half Black.

I know it was mentioned tonight.

Uh, he is. He’s half Black.

And a lot of people don’t really know that.

Nobody else knows that.

You know who else doesn’t know that?

Him. He doesn’t fucking know it.

He’s half Black and half Samoan.

You know what I wish?

I wish he would do some more Black shit.

That’s what I do.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

I’m sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

All this barefoot hula hoopin’ shit.

All this hukule, hukule, hukule, hukule shit.

Don’t nobody wanna see your big ass with no fuckin’ grass dress on, hukulein’ all fuckin’ day.

Put on some Air Force Ones, n*gga, I’m sick of seein’ it.

I’ma– I’ma take you down one by one.

Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis tonight, man, as a host.

Show him some love.

[audience applauding]

[Kevin] Seriously, what a good set.

What a good set.

I’ll be honest with you guys, Shane Gillis was one Bud Light away from calling me a “nigger” on this stage tonight.

[audience laughing]

[Kevin laughing]

One Bud Light.

“Nigger!” He wanted to say it.

Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

He is.

My Mount Rushmore of racism, like when it comes to hating Black people, Shane Gillis, Kid Rock, Hulk Hogan, Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four people…

[audience laughing]

…when it comes to hating Black people.

Shane Gillis is what happens when you let those people on Love on the Spectrum fuck.

That’s what happens.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

[Kevin] They make one of those.

Don’t let them people fuck.

You gonna get another Shane Gillis. [laughs]

Shane is what happens when you give a Down syndrome baby human growth hormone. That’s what happens.

Don’t rush the process.

Shane is autistic.

Shane is autistic, and Chelsea is a whore.

Um…

[audience laughing]

They both love trains, but for different reasons.

[laughs]

Hit him! Hit him! Yeah!

[gunshots]

Fuck!

This is a good time for me to talk to one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

Cash back with every purchase you get with us.

[audience laughing]

Uh…

Everybody’s been getting on my girl Chelsea all night for being a whore.

Everybody, stop.

Chelsea isn’t just a whore.

She’s also old. Chelsea’s old.

[audience laughing]

[Kevin] You know what you need?

You need lube to slide into Chelsea’s DMs. [chuckles]

You’re right, Rock, you’re right.

Her pussy– Her pussy was recognized.

She did get that BET award.

Um, only– You only get that award though, you only get that award if you fuck 50 Cent, and that’s a fact.

I’m sorry, I read the prompter wrong.

Nope, is if you fuck 50 n*ggas.

You get that award if you fuck 50 n*ggas. Sorry, Chelsea.

That’s my bad.

Draymond Green’s here.

Hey, Draymond.

[audience jeering]

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Draymond’s only here because he’s not in the playoffs.

That’s the only reason why he’s here.

Hit him!

[gunshot]

Yeah, head shot. Fuck you, Draymond.

Everybody attacked my fucking sisters tonight.

A lot of Black women on this stage.

Sheryl, Lizzo, Regina.

Teyana came out here.

What I’m not gonna do is be a Black man and talk about my fucking sisters on this stage live on Netflix in front of millions of fucking people, not me.

I’m not gonna give you that.

I’m not gonna give these crackers that luxury.

Y’all don’t know what these women have been through.

None of these women have a fucking man.

None of them. None of them.

[audience laughing]

None of them.

They’re home alone at night in their giant mansions, eating fucking microwavable Hot Pockets, watching TV.

I’m not gonna stand here in front of all these fucking white people and disrespect these lonely bitches. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I wanna thank my sisters for coming. I love you, Jean.

I love you. I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Sheryl.

We got a spades game every Tuesday. [laughs]

Boy, oh boy, y’all got Katt Williams to come out here, huh?

[audience cheering] Katt Williams.

Katt Williams came out here.

You know, this is the time to, like, really make everybody realize.

Everybody has said tonight that I can’t act.

“Kevin cannot act.”

What I want you to do is go back and look at that moment where I shook Katt’s hand and I looked him in the eye and I said, “I just want us to be friends.”

[audience laughing]

Some of the best fucking acting that I’ve ever did in my career.

I did not mean one word of what I said.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Fuck Katt Williams.

Katt Williams is a motherfucking liar. He’s a liar!

Y’all been believing that little n*gga’s shit for years.

Katt has lied on me about so much shit. It’s ridiculous, man.

Y’all only believe it because he uses words that you haven’t heard in a long time.

Words like “restaurant” or “amenities,” shit like that.

Katt said that I went to Diddy parties. “Kev– Kev been to Diddy parties.”

“Kev always goes to Diddy parties.” I ain’t been to no fucking Diddy parties.

I went to one party, and this is the truth, I went to one fucking party.

[audience laughing]

I went to one fucking party, okay?

And the only reason why that little n*gga know I was there is ’cause he was there. Katt was at the same fucking party.

I saw him, he saw me.

He said… [shushes] Fuck you, n*gga, tell the truth.

Tell the fucking truth, n*gga.

We was at the same fucking party.

I ain’t no snitch, I ain’t no snitch, but a lot of people was there.

Shaq was there, Usher was there.

Fucking Shannon Sharpe was there, he was DJing.

The Roots were there.

Y’all didn’t do nothing, but I saw y’all too.

He’s a fucking liar!

Stop believing this n*gga lies!

Katt told y’all he read 3,000 books a year.

He said that. He said, “I read 3,000 books a year.”

All right, well, let’s unpack it.

Let’s talk about the books that you didn’t fucking read.

That’s what I want to talk about. What are the books that you didn’t read?

I’ll tell you what it was.

He obviously didn’t read his probation paperwork.

I’ll tell you that. That n*gga didn’t read that.

He didn’t read, he didn’t… [laughs]

He didn’t read– He didn’t read the room when that little 12-year-old choked him the fuck out.

I’ll tell you that.

[audience laughing]

I don’t give a fuck how bad things get in my life.

I ain’t never been choked out by no fucking kid.

You know it’s bad when you start asking people where his parents at.

“Whose kid is this?”

I don’t know n*gga, you lost. You fucking lost.

“Why was he there?” [laughs]

Katt Williams came out here in a goddamn cape.

I’ve never seen Katt in a regular suit, not one time.

I’ve never seen it.

Only time I’ve seen him in a suit was a lawsuit.

That’s the only time I’ve seen Katt in a fucking suit.

A double-breasted lawsuit. That n*gga got a bunch of cases.

Katt said tonight that I took all his movies that he turned down.

He said that. He fucking said that.

You sat there and laughed at it. “Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!”

This must be the fucking truth. All right, well, let’s unpack it.

Let’s unpack it.

Katt said, I turned down all his roles. Okay, well, let’s talk about it, Katt.

So you’re telling me– you’re telling me that you turned down

Jumanji 1, 2, 3, Ride Along 1, 2, Central Intelligence, Think Like a Man 1, 2, The Upside, About Last Night, 40-Year-Old Virgin, High School, Night School, Me Time, Borderlands, Man from Toronto, all…

[audience cheering]

…so you could do a cameo in Norbit?

Is that what the fuck you’re telling me, Katt?

Katt, you can’t be in my fucking movies.

You think they want a fucking pimp in Jumanji?

Is that what the fuck you think we need?

[audience laughing]

Ain’t no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck is Katt doing in Jumanji?

[imitating Katt] Hey bitch, get out the tree.

[in normal voice] What the fuck? We don’t need that.

The fuck are you doing?

It’s the big leagues up here.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I gotta stop on Katt because it’s not good for all these white people to see two Black people fighting.

Two little n*ggas fighting.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

We’re too small to have the beef that we had.

So, Katt, it’s over.

The beef is over between me and Katt.

And on a serious note, I love the fact that that man showed up tonight and he showed out.

Katt showed the fuck out.

[audience cheering, applauding]

I love that. I love that he shined, man.

I love that we were able to look each other in the eyes, shake each other’s hands.

And I meant what I said. I did.

I really did. I meant what the fuck I said, man.

That beef is over.

Me and Kat are friends from today moving forward, okay?

We’re friends from today moving forward.

[audience applauding]

I just want to do a quick check. Uh…

Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

[Kevin] Are your feet swelled up? You okay?

They are, but it’s okay.

[Kevin] You want a Snickers? All right.

[laughs]

[audience laughing]

Uh, Pete Davidson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Pete Davidson is here.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Pete, the fucking thing about roasting you is bad because I like you.

Me and you actually get along, so it’s tough to roast you.

I don’t really have a roast. I just have questions.

[audience chuckling]

It’s not even a question.

It’s like, “Oh, I’m happy to see Pete outside.”

You never see Pete during the daytime. Pete is weird.

Scared of the sunlight.

[screeches, hisses]

[chuckles]

I feel like Pete wants to be Black, but he don’t want to say it.

[audience chuckling]

He does. He’s done a lot of Black shit.

Pete, let’s see, let’s break it down.

He’s got a child out of wedlock. Uh…

He dated Kim Kardashian.

He grew up without knowing his father.

I mean, Pete, if you wanna be Black so bad, just fuck Chelsea Handler and don’t call her in the morning.

[laughs]

You can– You can get away with it, Pete.

Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks. [chuckles]

You fuck, Pete. [inaudible]

[Kevin] Fuck you. That’s it. That’s enough.

Edit that out, what Pete just said.

[audience laughs]

I want to go to Jeff Ross.

Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually…

[inaudible] He went to the bathroom. Shocker. Uh…

[audience laughing]

Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder problem, that couldn’t sit through the show.

Jeff Ross actually, uh, he beat cancer.

[audience cheering] Yeah.

Yeah.

Um…

I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it.

[audience laughing]

I don’t believe that Jeff beat cancer.

I think the cancer just left. I do.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

I also– I also think Jeff looked better with cancer.

I don’t think– I think he looks worse without the cancer.

This is the one time where I would ask somebody, can you get the cancer back?

Like, can we put it back, Jeff?

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

Tony, what a set tonight.

[audience cheering, applauding]

[Kevin] Tony, you fuckin’ crushed tonight.

Everybody thinks Tony’s gay, too.

Stop it. Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony’s not gay.

Tony is not gay!

Tony just likes suckin’ dick.

[audience laughing]

[Kevin] It’s a big difference.

I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

That’s proof that Joe Rogan likes a snaggletooth blowjob. Just…

Tony’s really not gay, though, man.

Like, he just fuck– Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

Out the corner of my eye, it looked like the Kool-Aid man just came out the set.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, what the fuck was that? I love it.

The fact that you thought you were sneaking just now, Jeff.

I’ve never heard leather pants make more noise in my life.

[squelches]

Fuck.

I just don’t know where Jeff is getting the money to fucking do the things he does.

Like, I really don’t. Jeff, zip the jacket up.

Your fucking nipples out is nasty.

Je– [laughs]

Jeff looks like an insect that you study in biology.

“So what did you– So I got a what?”

“The heart is where?”

At this time, I just want to say, I’m sorry, Walmart, you’re doing amazing things, rolling back prices.

Keep it going.

[audience laughing]

You know, guys, in this night, I wanna say some people have shined.

Honestly.

Na’im, I’m so proud of you, brother.

[gentle music playing]

You came up here, you did what the fuck you was supposed to do.

And I just wanna say that I’m extremely… I’m extremely richer than everybody that you see on this stage.

And my biggest fear is waking up one day with any of these bitches’ bank accounts.

I don’t know how I would live.

I don’t know how I would survive. My kids, what would we do?

I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you have to spend it on the AIDS medicine, I just don’t know how much you’ll have left.

[audience laughing]

You guys wanted the real n*gga up here tonight, and that’s exactly what you got.

So I’m gonna leave this stage in true real n*gga fashion.

That’s by showing off.

I want to give a shout out to all my partners, all of my ecosystem, the people that make the world of Kevin Hart go around.

Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

Burn Boot Camp, I love you.

C4 Energy, I love you.

DraftKings, Fabletics, Gran Coramino Tequila, Heartbeat, JPMorgan Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar Airways, SharkNinja, SiriusXM, Sony, Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon, Vita Hustle, and of course, my partners here at Netflix.

These are words that you will never say because you guys are losers.

[audience laughing]

See, guys, I’m just a little kid from Philadelphia, and I prayed for nights like this.

And what I want you guys to know is this.

If I don’t celebrate myself, then who else will?

At the end of the day, I’m proud of myself.

And what you’ve been smelling all night is me because I’m the shit.

And at the end of the day, I’m him, and he is me, and together we make we.

Philadelphia, you should stand up.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Eniko, I love you.

And motherfucker, I’m off. Let’s go!

♪ I say, hold on, wait a minute. ♪

♪ Y’all thought I was finished? ♪

♪ When I bought that Aston Martin Y’all thought it was rented? ♪

♪ Flexin’ on these n*ggas I’m like Popeye on his… ♪

♪ Double M, yeah, that’s my team, Rozay the captain, I’m lieu– ♪

♪ I’m the type to count a million cash Then grind like I’m broke ♪

♪ That Lambo, my new bitch She don’t ride like my… ♪

♪ I’m ridin’ around my city With my hand strapped to my toes ♪

♪ ‘Cause these n*ggas want me dead And I gotta make it back ♪

♪ ‘Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some ♪

♪ These n*ggas tryna take my life They fuck around, get… ♪

♪ You fuck around, you fuck around You fuck around, get smoked ♪

♪ ‘Cause these Philly n*ggas I brought with me don’t fuck around ♪

♪ All I know is murder When it come to me ♪

♪ I got young n*ggas that’s rollin’ I got n*ggas throwin’ ♪

♪ I done did the DOA’s, I done did the KOD’s ♪

♪ Every time I’m in that bitch I get to… ♪

♪ But now I’m hangin’ out that drop head I’m ridin’ down on Collins ♪

♪ They let my n*gga Ern back home That young n*gga be wildin’ ♪

♪ We young n*ggas, we mobbin’ Like Batman and we’re… ♪

♪ In this two-door Maybach With my seat all reclinin’ ♪

♪ I say, “Real n*gga, what up? Real n*gga, what up?” ♪

♪ If you ain’t about that murder game, then pussy n*gga, shut up ♪

[raps indistinctly]

♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ ‘Cause my mama need that bill money My son need some milk ♪

♪ These n*ggas want me dead But they fuck around, get killed ♪

♪ You fuck around, you– ♪

♪ You gonna remember me ♪

♪ They gon’ remember me ♪

♪ So much money Have yo’ friends turn in yo’ enemies ♪

♪ And when there’s beef I turn my enemies to– ♪

♪ With them bricks they go for 40 Ain’t no 10 a key ♪

♪ Hold up, broke n*gga turned rich Love the game like Mitch ♪

♪ And if I leave, you think them pretty Hoes gon’ still suck my… ♪

♪ It was somethin’ about that Rollie When it first touched that… ♪

♪ Had me feelin’ like that dope boy When he first touched that brick ♪

♪ I’m gone ♪

Philadelphia.

[audience cheering]

[Kevin] Stand up!

Meek Mill! The Roots!

Shane Gillis!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!

Bitch! I’m Kevin Hart, and you will remember me. I’m gone.

[music concludes]

[audience cheering, applauding]