Sebastian Maniscalco: What’s Wrong with People? (2012) – Full Transcript

"What's Wrong with People?" asks Sebastian Maniscalco, as he hilariously tries to bridge the Italian-American Old World he grew up in with the contemporary frenetic world we all live in today.

Please welcome Sebastian Maniscalco.

So good, so good to be here, man. What a year. Guys, you should know anything about me, I gotta problem with people and how they behave, you know? I kinda grew up with like, a list of rules to kinda live by. My parents kinda gave me a book on how to live, and apparently, nobody got the book. Went to Starbucks, every day that’s all I do, is I watch people and I get upset, I can’t take it. I’m at the Starbucks, this woman ordered a scone, a muffin, I dunno what the hell it was, but they gave it to her in a brown bag and then she was eating it, she was like fingering the muffin outta the bag. Take it outta the bag! Get a plate! What the! What are you eating, crumbs?

I can’t take, everywhere I go there’s a problem. You can’t even go to the mall. I used to go to the mall all the time, it was a nice place to kinda unwind, but now they got these little, these huts in the middle of the mall, these little kiosks, what is this? I don’t buy anything out of a hut. I don’t even know if the hut’s gonna be there tomorrow if I have a problem with the product. These things are on wheels, they can be three miles down the road in no time. But we used to own that part of the mall, that’s where we made decisions, in the middle of the mall, right? We used to go with your family, used to go, “Where you going?” “I’m going to Sears. Where you going?” “JCPenney. We meet back here in one hour. ” Now you can’t do that, because you see a hut, you’ll be walking with your girl, you’ll look up there, you’re like, “Oh, come on. “What do we gotta put up with? “What is this hut?” ‘Cause these people that work in the huts are aggressive. These sales techniques are very aggressive. You ever get attacked with cream? Man, you’ll be walking, out of nowhere, “You wanna try cream? “Try cream, it’s good, it’s from Israel, it’s good cream. ” It’s hand lotion. They act like they got something that we’ve never seen before. Who’s trying the cream and going, “Oh, my God! “I’m soft, what the hell is this? “You have bottles of this back there?”
Weird stuff are happening in these huts. They’re threading eyebrows, have you seen this? A woman is laying down, and someone’s just. There’s eyebrows shrapnel flying everywhere. Landed in my Auntie Anne’s.

World is changing, man. After a while, went to Subway. Why is this a problem, getting a sandwich? It’s a sandwich. I got behind a lady, it looked like it was her first time out ever. Just a look of confusion, bewilderment. Came up to the counter. “How does this work here? “What do you do?” It says, “Step one: pick bread. ” You don’t see that? How do you make a sandwich at home? What, do you start throwing ham all over the table? Pick the bread! And she saw the condiments, her head almost popped off her body. She was sitting there looking at the condiments, telling the guy, “Not that tomato! “No, the third one underneath that one on the side. “I want that tomato. ” It’s not a puppy. Making up the, there’s rules at Subway you gotta follow. This woman’s like, “I don’t want any of those “cucumbers or olives, so double up on the turkey. ” It don’t work that way! The sandwich is $5, there’s a net profit of four cents on that! And you want double meat for no veg? And I feel for the guy working there. Gotta sit there and listen to this all day. He’s like, “I can’t do it! I can’t do it! “They got cameras, they’re looking at me! “Come on, what do you want?!” I got no patience for this. Just keep it moving. When you’re out just, just keep. I don’t hold it up. They guys asked me, “What do you want on your sandwich?” I told him, “Run it through the garden. “

It’s everywhere you go. Grocery store, that’s always a problem, right? Customer service, they gave up. They grocery store gave up on us. They put in self-express checkout lanes. They basically said, “You know what? “You do it. ” Why am I working at the grocery store now? Do you ever look over there? Nobody knows what’s going on. It’s a bundle of confusion, right? There’s always a guy sitting there with like, some artichokes going, “Hahh?” We weren’t properly trained on this machine. Those people go through a three-week training on this computer, and we’re just jumping in on that? Again, I never wanna be the problem, okay? So, my grocery store is open 24 hours a day. You know what I did? I went in at 3AM. Nobody there. I did a self-training on this machine. I got all the different screens down, I memorized some of my favorite items, four-one-six-two: bananas. I know this stuff. So on a Saturday at 3 o’clock in the afternoon when it’s packed, I’m cooking. I’m helping out other people. But I was in the human line, I’m sitting there. My line ain’t moving. Had a price check, you ever get this? They’re sitting there, they scan the steak. Price doesn’t show up. Now they have to turn and ask Timmy, the bagger, to go and find out what the t-bone steak costs. And that person’s always like, “Yes, Timmy, “could you please, please go find out for me?” And now you hear the whole line just get deflated and pissed off at this one person because they didn’t pick out the right steak. I never wanna be the problem. If they scan my steak and it doesn’t show up, you know what I tell the cashier? “Forget it, I don’t need it, keep it going. ” You think I’m gonna wait for Timmy? Timmy don’t even know he’s working. This kid leaves here, he ain’t coming back. Was there even an interview with this kid? I dunno, I’m looking at the bagger, he’s got a rainbow mohawk, right? Then he’s got this, I dunno what it is, if it’s an earring, you ever see this? It looked like somebody took a shotgun and blew a hole through his ear and then they put magnets in his earlobe. Do you know what would happen to me if I ever came home as a kid with magnets hanging outta my ear? My father would throw me against the refrigerator.
So I’m in line, I’m, I dunno, trying to be green. It’s hard, okay? I got plastic this time, right? And the whole line got upset. I could tell the whole line got upset at me with the plastic bags. I go, “Yeah, plastic. ” and the whole line’s like, “He’s not green!” ‘Cause they all brought their bag made outta wheat. You know what I do when I see that? “Double bag it. “

It’s hot, I get frustrated when I talk about this stuff. You ever see somebody leave the grocery store and the alarm go off? That alarm constantly goes off. People walk off, right? And all of a sudden they hear, And what do they always tell you? “You’re good! “Go ahead! “You’re good!” You can have nine steaks down your pants. “Go ahead, take off! “Steal it!” So you get heated, man. When you’re out. Gotta stop often to cool off. What’s with, this whole town’s going nuts with yogurt. What’s going on with yogurt? Everybody’s dying for yogurt. They see a Pinkberry, they’re like, “I wanna go get some Pinkberry. ” I’m not a yogurt guy, but I had to go look to see what the problem was. I’m sitting in line, I’m watching people eat the yogurt. First of all, everybody had a sample before they got, what is with the sampling? I don’t do samples. These two women came up, so proud of themselves, they’re like, “Excuse me, do you have pomegranate? “Can we try the pomegranate?” They were so happy they were gonna get a free lick. Now the guy’s gotta turn around, he’s gotta fill up a little Dixie lick cup. And he hands it out. Grown women, but they’re like kids when they get it. They’re like, “This is good! I like this one!” I don’t do any of this. I just got the green tea. If I don’t like it, yeah, I fucked up. You think I’m gonna hold up 12 people’s day licking, “Yeah!” Driving, that’s another thing I can’t do. You ever get behind someone, they’re not moving? They’re not moving, right? You’re like, “Come on!” Right, you’re like, you change into an animal. “Come on!” You’re just looking for the pass lane. You’re looking to pass them. And it seems like it’s days, it takes days for this to happen. But you’ll finally get it, right? You’ll finally get it. But as you pass, you can’t let this go. As you pass them, you have to turn and look to see who the hell is driving this way. You can’t go to bed at night without putting a face to that mile’s prowl. And I dunno what happens to us. As we pass, we lose it. We’re like, “What the hell are you doing?!” Sometimes you wanna just slow up so they can see the face. You pull up and you’re like, “Look at what you did to me! “I was happy a mile ago, “look at this transformation!” Sometimes you gotta go back to your house and regroup, right? I was sitting in my house, couple weeks ago, just relaxing. My doorbell rang. This is weird. It’s a different feeling when your doorbell rings today opposed to 20 years ago, right? 20 years ago, your doorbell rang, that was a happy moment in your house. It’s called company. Be sitting there on a Thursday night, watching TV, your doorbell rang, the whole family shot off the couch. “Oh, my God! “Put the lights on! “Somebody’s here! “We got people!” The whole family went to the door. The kids were in socks. They slid up to the door. Nobody looked to see who it was. You just opened up the door. You were like, “Oh, my God! “Look at that! “Look at who’s here!” And you’d ask ’em, “What the hell are you doing here?” And the person’d be like, “I was in the neighborhood. “I thought I might stop by, see how the kids are doing. ” They’re like, “Oh, come on in! “We’re gonna have some cake!” Your mother had a little Entennmann’s. Be some Sara Lee crumble cake just in case company came over. She made an announcement when she bought it. She’s like, “Listen, nobody touch this cake. “This is for company only. “Those crap muffins, those are for you people. “You better hope to God somebody “comes over so we can cut the cake. ” She put her cake in the middle of the table, proud of it, and she put it right in the middle, “Cut yourself a slice. “Want a cup of coffee? “Want some Sanka?” That’s old school. Lot of the young kids are looking at me like, “What is that, an iPhone app? “What the hell is Sanka?” Your mother had a tin, brown and orange tin of Sanka ready to go just in case the company. She put a big pot on the table. “Go ahead. ” Nobody had a cell phone back then. If your house phone did ring, your father stood up and said, “Nobody get that phone. “We got company. ” And you lost track of time. Two hours went by, you were like, “We gotta get outta here. ” “That’s okay. “Next time we’re gonna come by you. ” “Yeah, my door’s always open. ” Now your doorbell rings? It’s like, “What the fuck?” Your own mother’s crawling across the kitchen floor. “Get down, ma! Army crawl! “Army crawl! Get in the closet. “Go get the sword in the living room. “Somebody get the sword underneath the couch in the living room. “There’s a sword. ” You have to turn and ask your family, “You invite anybody over? “You invite anybody over?” There was always that person upstairs that didn’t hear the bell. They come walking down, “What the hell is going on?” “Get the hell down! “Somebody’s outside! “They’re at the door! “I think they saw movement! “Oh, God! I gotta open it! “I got no cake! I go no Sanka! “I got nothing! “I got nothing for these people!” You can’t stop by anybody’s house anymore. If you do, you have to call from the driveway. You’re like, “I’m here. “Can I approach? “It’s me and three other people. “We’re gonna walk up through the side. “Is that your mother with a sword? “Why does she have a sword?” It’s all changing, man. And if you wanna see a big change, and see what’s happening in the United States, get called in for jury duty. Last week I was at jury duty the whole week. Am I the only one going to this stuff? I call my friends, “You going?” “Nah, we shred it!” What? So I go, 7:30 in the morning, right? 300 people. You sit there in this little room. And I dunno man, we’re in trouble as a country. If you wanna get a temperature gauge on what society is looking like, go to jury duty. They say it’s a jury of your peers. The people there are one step away from being a defendant. Nobody knows how to follow instruction. The guy’s up there, it’s simple, “Name. ” “Okay, name. ” “Address. ” “Address. ” And people are like, “Hahhh?” Then he opens it up for questions. “Any questions?” Worst thing you can do to the general public is start opening up a questions session. The hands that shot, this woman’s shoulder almost popped off. People love to hear themselves speak. “I have a medical condition. ” Nobody gives a shit. Fill out the form and go to the courtroom. The guy next to me, in broken English, asks me how to put his name tag into the laminate. And I’m like, “You’re gonna determine “whether somebody goes to prison “and you’re having problems with the name badge?” You need a release, right? You need to go out. You need to do stuff like this. Friday night comes out, “Come on, we’re going out, we’re gonna do stuff. ” I went out last week to a nightclub. I can’t do this anymore. I’m getting way too old for the nightclubs. You know you’re old when you walk into a nightclub and you’re like, “Is it loud in here? “Why’s my hair vibrating?” I can’t dance anymore. I used to bounce around. I was able to dance. Used to go out in my early 20’s, I had my Cavariccis on. Mighta had that belt that shot down. Used to ask girls to dance. That’s what we did, we went out dancing. All week long we practiced at the house and then Friday night we tested it out. Guys would have confidence, man. Girls would be hanging out by the bar. Guy would have enough confidence to pick out the one he wanted and ask her to dance. Real cool, we’d come up, we’d be like, “Hey. “How you doin’? “You wanna dance with me?” And she’d turn around, she’d be like, “Yeah, “I’ll dance with you. ” She’d turn to her girlfriends, “Hold my purse, Joanne. ” And you’d go out to the dance floor. You wouldn’t touch one another. Very respectful, you’d just watch each other move. You’d be like, “Yeah. ” You had that stupid dance face. You’d lean in, “You look fantastic. ” Then you would go to the bar ’cause that song would come in that nobody could dance to, right? That song would always pop on. Like, “I can’t dance to this. “Can’t dance to Whitesnake. “Let’s go get a drink at the bar. ” So you would go to the bar. This is where you would have to have a little personality. Flirt with her, right? I grew up with a group of guys who were all funny. That’s what we’d do, make fun, goof around with girls, make ’em laugh. Girls’d be like, “Ohhh You guys are funny!” I’d be like, “Yeah, I know. ” You would go in for the kill, you would get the number, like, “Why don’t you write your number down on a napkin? “I’ll take you out for some steak next week, huh?” And you would get the number on a napkin. It was kinda damp, right? The ink would bleed a little bit. Before you left the club you had to ask her, “Excuse me, sweetheart, is this a seven? “Did you write a seven?” You give your number out now, five minutes later you get a text message, “What are you doing?” What do you mean what am I doing? I just met you. Back off! It’s weird now at these clubs. It’s embarrassing. Men look like predators. They look like predators on the dance floor. They don’t ask girls anymore. They just come right behind them. They’re like This is flirting? Somebody wanna call the authorities? These nightclubs. Go to the bathroom at a nightclub. That’s a whole different sub-culture in the bathroom. They gotta bathroom attendant in the bathroom. They put this guy in here about 15 years ago and his sole job is to give you a towel after you’re done washing your hands. From here to your hands. Now, I dunno if that was a problem for people. I dunno if people were coming outta the bathroom wet, “What do I do?! “I’m wet!” So management said, “You know, listen, “they’re not grasping the concept. “They’re coming out, they’re drenched, they’re soaked. “We need to put a guy in there to distribute towels. ” And as soon as you walk in and you see him you get pissed off that he’s even there, right? You walk in, you see him, you’re like, “Oh, God! “They got a guy!” It’s weird! Now you gotta talk to him after you’re done, you’re like, “Yeah, smells like crap in here, huh?” And you gotta tip him a dollar for the towel, for what? I could see if I took a crap in a sink, “There you go man, sorry about that. “Little screwed up tonight. “You wanna wash that out. “Maybe light a match, some Febreze, “a candle, do something! “I’ll give you a dollar. ” It’s weird man, but the world’s changing, I dunno what’s wrong with people. Go to the club, they got, everybody’s gotta tattoo now. Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! All the guys will get one, right? They’ll put one on their bicep. Now every shirt becomes a sleeveless. They gotta billboard their tattoo. They gotta show it off because there’s like an emotional meaning behind it, right? Some idiot will come up, “Excuse me. “Hi, I’m sorry. “What the significance? “Why do you have a cobra head on your bicep? “What?” Now the guy gets all emotional, he’s like, “Thanks for asking. “The reason I got the cobra, “five years ago my father, excuse me, “my father got bit by a snake. “So to remember him by, I put the snake head “on my bi, it’s not done yet. ” It’s never done, right? They always gotta go back, get shading. “2019 I’m gonna have the whole cobra “all over my body. “For now, it’s just a head, but what’s gonna happen, “it’s gonna drape across my chest, “it’s gonna cascade down my torso, “the tail’s gonna wrap around my nutbag. “Don’t laugh, it’s for my dad, you know? “It’s gonna creep around my back, “the rattle’s gonna tickle my nipple, “and on my nipple it’s gonna say ‘Dad “rest in peace’, you know?” What the hell are you doing to yourself? What, did you forget he died? What, do you look down in the shower, “Oh, yeah!” People ask me all the time, “Sebastian, why don’t you have, “why don’t you get a tattoo?” I go, “I don’t put bumper stickers on Ferraris. ” But that’s what we do, we go out as a society. That’s all we do, is go out. Go out to dinner with your friends. That always gets weird, especially if you go out with a group and you go out for anything, like a dinner or whatnot, and when the bill comes, it gets weird. ‘Cause what normally happens is the bill will travel around the table. People will then begin to pitch in what they think they owe. The problem with this is there’s always somebody last to get the bill. A look of confusion and concern comes over their face. They’re like, “One, two, three, four. ” Now, people see this and they’re like, “Need a couple extra dollars or something like that?” They’re like, “Well, I’m $687 short. “So the two bucks you’re gonna pitch in “ain’t even gonna put a dent in this. “So how ’bout this, how ’bout “the bill take another lap? “Do another lap. “I don’t think my chicken tenders were 700.” That’s one way it might work, right? Sometimes you’ll be out to dinner and somebody picks up the bill at your table. Now, there’s a game involved with this. If somebody’s nice enough to pick up a bill, you just don’t go, “Hey! “Thanks!” No, there’s a game. Somebody takes the bill off the table, you have to stand up and lunge, lunge for the bill. You lunge but you don’t touch it! ‘Cause if you touch it, you might end up with it. You’re like, “I never wanted it. “I just wanted to act like I did. ” So you stop shy, “What the!” And you act like you don’t know, you know exactly what’s going on, but you have to act like you don’t. You’re like, “Come on, what are you doing with that? “Come.. ” Now the person will go, “Please, come on. “I’m making a lotta money, you know that. “I got this tonight. ” The person doesn’t sit down. You have to come back with number two. Now, you go fish for the money. You’re like, “That’s ridiculous, it’s a lotta money. “Hold on here,” right? And you go for the money, but the money’s back here. You just shake a pocket hoping they cut you off. If that person has any class they’re like, “Please, come on on. “You’re embarrassing yourself. “I got this, get it next time. ” You have to come back with number three. “At least let me leave that tip down. “Come on, huh?” Now the person will then say, “Your money’s foreign. “I got it all. ” Now, I’ve been in situations where I go, “Let me leave the tip,” and the person’s like, “Sure, go ahead,” I’m like, “You cheap bastard. ” You might go out with a group, you might go on a date. Some people go dating, right? It’s what a lot of us doing, right? Nice couple here, hugging her, gripping onto her, “It’s my girl. ” It’s nice, it’s love all about. The first date’s the big date, though. You go on a first date, there’s a lotta flags, lotta red flags going off on that first date. I watch how a woman eats, this is a huge deal-breaker for me, okay? Took a girl out a couple months ago for Italian. She ate everything on the plate. I got no problem with that. – Yay! – Yeah I got no problem, do it all you want. The problem I had is she then took a piece of bread and did a sponge job. My father does that during the holidays. You might wanna wait ’til we fall in love until you start mopping up sauce with bread fragments. Another deal-breaker, when I go to the girl’s house for the first time. Ladies, be prepared for the come-over, okay? Have some options for me. You come to my place, I’m ready for you. I have it. It’s like a hotel. Soon as we walk in, I turn around, “Want a little Diet Coke? Apple juice? “Wine? What do you want?” I got Orangina. Nobody’s got Orangina. Throw that at a chick, “You wanna glass of Orangina?” “You have Orangina?” “Yeah, I got it. “Sit down. ” This girl had nothing. We walked in, she turned around, she’s like, “You want some water, something like that?” Water? I’ll get that outta the hose.

Little things bother me. I dunno. Another girl, she offered me some scotch. I said, “Yeah, can you put that on the rocks?” So she brought it out, I went to go take a sip, I smelled the ice cubes, the ice cubes smelled like her freezer. I’m like, “What is this, Johnnie Walker “and mixed vegetables? “Change out your cubes!” Every three days I’m breaking cubes at my house, fresh. It’s what we do, though. Dating in the beginning’s cute, though. God, everything’s adorable, isn’t it? Nobody can do any wrong. You guys been dating for a while? About a year now. – Yeah, a year, it’s cute, right? There’s no arguments, everything’s adorable. He walks into the kitchen, she’s got a little broccoli hanging off her head. It’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. He comes in, he’s still flirting, he’s like, “Baby, you gotta, “you gotta piece of broccoli hanging off your head. ” She flirts right back, she’s like, “Oh, sorry. ” You get married, you have kids. That ain’t funny anymore. Little things are pissing you off about that person. Never bothered you in the beginning, right? Now little things, just the way somebody brushes their teeth in the morning could set you off. You walk in, you look at ’em in the mirror, you’re like, “Oh, look at this shit. “I hate you. ” You might get engaged. That’s the next step. Now, most guys, I like a classic go to a knee. That’s what I think men should do. Drop to one knee. I think that’s what about 90% of the guys do, right? Soon as the guy goes to the knee, soon as he does this, the girl sees what’s happening, she gets excited, she’s like,. Guy will drop down, he’ll get a little emotional, he’s like, “Baby, “you know, we been dating for 18 years, you know? “I know you’re 48, you probably can’t have kids anymore. “I think I’m done clubbing. “I think I should maybe settle down, you know?” And you put the ring on her finger, she’s like, “Oh, yes. ” Some guys get stupid with it, right? They’ll be out at dinner, they’ll be sitting there, and the guy’ll be like, “Look in the mashed potatoes. ” “Yes. ” Now you gotta plan the wedding. I come from an Italian family. Italians do it a lot different than most people when it comes to weddings, okay? Italians don’t register at Bed Bath and Beyond. We don’t bring a toaster to a wedding. Italians bring cash, okay? We put it in an envelope, sometimes there’s not even a card, there’s just cash with a post-it note, “Congrats. ” Now, the bride and groom know they’re getting cash. They’re sitting there with a satin bag that says “Cash” in diamonds. And people walk in and, you know, they start making a deposit. Now, some people don’t give the cash right away. They hold onto it. They wait ’til dinner’s served. They go to dinner, they’ll have the dinner, they’re eating the chicken. They go, “The chicken’s kinda dry. “Take a hundred outta the envelope. “The food stinks. Take a hundred out. ” Then at the end of the wedding, the bride and groom, they go up to the room, and before they do anything, they start opening up these envelopes. Now, the groom takes out a black log book. And what they’re gonna do, they’re gonna log the amount and the name in of everybody that came to the wedding, right? So the guy will be, “What’d the Pentangelis leave?” She’s like, “$10,” like, “Cheap bastard, $10.” The reason for this book is when the Pentangelis get married you go back to the book and you look, “Pentangeli. Put 10 singles in that envelope “and tell them to screw themselves. ” That’s how I did it. My father, cash. That’s all, he had a wad of cash growing up, no wallet, just the wad, just a big knot with a broccoli band around the wad. We’d negotiate. My father would negotiate prices at Sears. It was embarrassing to go shopping with the guy. The salesman didn’t know what the hell was going on. The salesman like, “The refrigerator’s “gonna be about $1,200, here. ” My father’d be like, “No, it’s not. “We’re gonna pay cash. ” The salesman was like, “Yeah, we accept cash, sir. “$1,200.” My dad like, “Cash. “What’s the price gonna be with cash?” It’s not a flea market! We’re at Sears! I didn’t grow up in a huge family. I have a sister. But, I dunno, I dunno if I wanna have kids of my own. It’s coming to a point now where my friends all have kids. They’re always asking me, “Sebastian, when are you?” I go, “I dunno if I want kids. ” They’re like, “What? “Oh, no! “Sebastian, kids are a miracle. “It’s an amazing thing. “Once you have one of your own it’s not about you anymore. ” “It’s about them. ” Why the hell would I wanna do that? And it’s not the kids I gotta problem with, it’s the parents today. It’s a different parent than how we grew up. First of all, is everybody’s kid fantastic? Why is everybody bragging about their kids? Don’t we have any dumb kids anymore? My parents were honest with people. They never bragged about me. We went to the aunts and the uncles, as soon as we walked in, my father was like, “Yeah, we don’t know what the hell’s wrong with him. “I dunno, something’s off with this kid, something’s loose. “Look at how big his head is. “Look at the head on this kid. ” They put me in the back, “Go in the basement. “Play pong. ” Now I got my friends always coming over with their kids. Bragging, “Sebastian, she’s so advanced. “She’s reading at a fourth grade level, “she’s only in second grade. “Show Sebastian the face, show the face you make!” I don’t give a shit. If your kid could fly from my backyard to the front yard, yeah, I might wanna see that. “She’s unbelievable! “How’s it happening?!” But whatever your kid does, nobody cares! They got their kid in every sport nowadays, every activity. What are you doing? The kid’s exhausted. Pick one thing for this kid to do. But no, the father, the mother can’t fathom that the child just might not be good at something. It’s never the kid’s fault for lack of talent. It’s the coach. You ever get this family, they gotta complain to the coach? They come up to the coach, “Coach, wanna come here? Yeah. ” “Hi, we’re the Gibsons. “Just wondering why my child Tyler’s not participating “in the game with the rest of the kids?” “‘Cause he stinks. “It’s why we gotta bench. ” Not everybody’s a winner. Not everybody gets a trophy. You know who got the trophy when I was growing up? First place got the trophy, right? Yeah, that’s it. It inspires competition, right? They don’t even keep score in the games. I couldn’t believe it. I came to my buddy’s kid’s game late. I said, “George, I’m sorry I’m late, what’s the score?” He’s like, “We don’t keep score out there. “All those kids are winners out there. ” “Are you watching the same game I’m watching? “Kid’s running the wrong way. ” I didn’t grow up this way. My parents prepared me for life. Disappointment, failure. They put me in basketball. They came to the first game. At half time my father sprinted down from the stands like, “Get the hell in the car, you suck!” He’s apologizing to the coach, he’s like, “I’m sorry you had to watch that. “I dunno what the hell he was doing out there. ” Even I knew I was bad while I was doing it, I’m like, “I don’t feel good! “Get me off!” He pulled me right off the court, he’s like, “Listen, you humiliated yourself. “You embarrassed our entire family. “People took off work to watch what you just did. “Get in the truck. ” Italians, we don’t play basketball. When’s the last time you put an NBA game on and said, “Take a shot, Nunzio!” It doesn’t happen! “Put in Carmine for the three!” No! Italians, what do we do? Cement, nice cement driveway. Meatball sandwich. Give us a church, we’ll paint the whole ceiling. Certain cultures do certain things well. Italians generally do not go into the medical field, right? Have you ever went to an emergency room and like, “This is your doctor, Doctor Aquilani. ” I’m like, “Wait a minute, you got a Ginsburg back there? “A Leibowitz, a Falkenberg, somebody I knew that studied?” Come on! But it’s culture-based when it comes to raising kids. The culture that’s got it down to a science, in my personal opinion, are these Japanese people. We got any Japanese tonight? You Japanese? – Half – Half. I knew she wasn’t 100% because Japanese people are quiet. I never asked that question, a 100% Japanese, “Yeah! We’re here!” It doesn’t happen. That was her other half coming out. Japanese people, well-mannered people. You ever look at their kids at a restaurant? They’re trained. They sit there in a 90 degree angle. They’re like soldiers. They don’t move. They make one slight move, the father’s like, You ever see the white kid at the restaurant? In half a diaper? Mother just sitting there, “Ha ha, isn’t he cute? ” Look!” No, you know what’s cute? The two year old Japanese kid in a suit eating with sticks. Asking for the check. Two years old, in third grade. But you have a family, maybe. It’s hard to stay married. Peaks and valleys. Lotta men veer off the path of monogamy, right? Celebrities do it all the time and the media focuses in on these celebrities. Mostly guys, right? Probably the biggest celebrity to ever veer off the path is Tiger Woods, right? And they put the guy in a sex-addiction clinic. That’s what they do nowadays. They put people in sex-addiction clinics. There is no such thing as a sex-addict, okay? How do you know you gotta problem with sex? You hit a certain number, you’re like, “Oh, I need help. ” This whole thing is a scam. The only guys that are at the sex clinic are guys that are married and got caught. There’s no single guys at the clinic. There’s not single guys banging on the door. “What’s the problem?” “I dunno, I’m having too much sex out here! “Something’s wrong with me! “It’s awful! “My buddies are laughing at me! “I don’t know who’s coming and going. ” Anytime any of this stuff happens, it ignites conversation in house between men and women, right? A lot of women sit there and watch it on ESPN or CNN, they’re like, “Can you believe what he’s doing? “Can you believe this?” A lotta guys have to sit there and act, “What? “How many girlfriends does he have? “17? That’s disgusting! “Shut it off, I can’t even watch. ” Some women, they take it a step further. They compare the celebrity relationship with their own. You can’t do this. Two different worlds, right? Tiger Woods worth a billion dollars and women were sitting there, “Will you do this? “Would you do, look at me! “Would you do this?” You can’t ask your guy that. If you asked him, you’d have to, you know, guys would have to say, “Listen, honey, “the guy’s worth a billion. “If I was worth a billion, I wouldn’t be with you. “I’m working at Walmart. “This is the best I could do. ” Come on, do you think the guy at Walmart is dealing with the same temptations that Tiger Woods is dealing with? Do you think there’s six foot blonde Scandinavian models walking into Walmart asking the stock guy, “Hey, wanna little of that? “Tell me where your towels are, this is all yours. ” It’s getting weird, man. World is changing. And I dunno if it’s for the better. Lotta technology out there. I’m not into it. Craigslist is a big, big website. People go there. First of all, have you gone to the Craigslist website? It looks like it came out when the internet came out. Does anybody wanna put up some flash? Looks like braille. But people sale stuff on this with no problem. I dunno, I can’t do this. It’s weird, this Craigslist. You don’t know who’s coming to your house, right? It’s like an invitation to get murdered. Just put up the posting, “Area rug for sale. “Come murder me and my family. ” You don’t know what you’re getting. We used to have a garage sale. That’s how we did it. We just threw the garbage on a Saturday morning, just threw it out on the driveway. We put some signs all over town with an arrow, “Come get our garbage. ” And the weirdest people would show up to your home. You would have a table with a cash box and the garage opened, but you would just watch people mill around your yard, right? They’d come outta their cars. Some would get a little too close to the house, you’re like, “Back up! Back off! “Back off! What do you want? “Tell me right from there what you want!” “Can we use your bathroom?” “Bathroom? Get the hell off my property! “It’s not Walmart, it’s a shit sale. “Pick what you need and leave. ” And whatever we didn’t sale, we threw it out! But we broke it before we threw it in the garbage. That’s my father, he’s like, “If they’re not gonna buy it “at my sale, they’re not gonna come by later on tonight “and steal it outta my garbage. “Saw the couch in half. ” What? 12 years old, I’m sawing! He’s like, “Burn all the lamps. “Burn all these lamps. “Pop the eyeballs outta the teddy bear “and then decapitate the head. “You throw the head out on Tuesday “and then the body out on Saturday. “I know who was looking at this bear, “and when they come back and find out “there’s no eyeballs or no body, “they’re not gonna want a head. “

It’s a weird, weird culture out there, man. ‘Cause that technology’s taking over. My father wants to get involved with it. Now, my father is an immigrant, came here from Sicily when he was 15 years old. This guy’s been cutting hair his whole life. Not tech-savvy whatsoever, right? Calls me up the other night. He lives in Chicago, I live out here in Los Angeles, calls me up, he’s like, “Yeah, wanna learn internets. ” Now, I dunno if anybody’s ever taught anybody the internet over the phone. It’s virtually impossible. You can not use internet terms with someone who doesn’t know a computer. And I found that out right from the get-go. I said, “Dad, you gotta open up your window. ” He’s like, “Why? I got two feet of snow outside. “Is that for better reception? “You get better reception that way?” What? Reception? You gotta dummy it down. You gotta explain exactly what they see. I said, “Dad, there’s a blue ‘e’. “Do you see a blue ‘e’, with like a sphere? “Do you see that?” I said, “You gotta click that twice. ” He’s like, “Why twice?” And I’m like, “Yeah, why twice?” For years, I been doing two. One, you get nothing. Two, it happens. Said, “Dad, I dunno, just click it twice!” So he goes, “Is that what the foot pedal’s for?” Foot pedal? He had the mouse on the floor. It’s not a sewing machine! “What are you doing?! “Put the foot pedal on the desk! “What the hell are you looking at? Tell me!” He’s like, “I think I broke it. “I got pipes, I got pipes!” “How old is your computer “that you still have the pipe screensaver? “Is it beige? “Is it a Presario? What do you got?” I said, “Shake the foot pedal to get rid of the pipes!” I said, “Dad, come on! “On the top do you see a white bar?” I was gonna say cursor, he ain’t gonna get that. “Is there a stick blinking in whiteness? “Do you see this?” He’s like, “Yeah, I see it. ” I said, “Type in www. yahoo. com. ” He types it in, presses return, he’s like, “I got nothing. “You gotta call the internets and tell ’em “I got no website. ” I said, “Read it back. What is it?” He’s like, “I got wwwdoty-” “You spelled out ‘dot’?” I’m trying to get the guy to email, right? So I finally get him there, I said, “Dad, call me when you send it. ” He called me back, he’s like, “Yeah, I sent it. “I dunno when you’re gonna get this. “Could be five, six days depending how busy “Yahoo is, I dunno. ” I said, “Dad, I’m looking at it!” So I open up the email, the entire email is in the subject heading. I’m like, “What the… ” It’s scary, man, right? And the older I get, the worse I get. I’m a huge hypochondriac. I constantly think I’m passing away. I constantly think I’m dying. I woke up one morning, my hands were dry, I’m like, “Oh, come on, what, am I disintegrating? “What’s happening?” Now, with this use of technology, anything medically, I don’t go to the doctor. You know what I do? I go right to Google. You will admit stuff to Google that you won’t tell a soul. If Google ever comes out with a printout of what you’ve been asking it, you’re gonna have to leave California. I type in, “I got dry hands, “what does that mean?” Now a bunch of stuff comes back with Google. Google, I stay on page one, I never go to page two, I’m always on page one. I don’t even know what’s on page two. A horse is involved all the time, I dunno what it is. I’m always on page one, first three topics, right? I’m gonna try and self-diagnose what I have based on other people’s stories and anecdotes. This is the worst thing you could do to yourself. The first story I read, they guy’s like, “I had dry hands three months ago and now I got no fingers. ” What? So that’s it, I think I’m dying. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. Three and a half weeks, I lost 15 pounds. My friends were coming up to me going, “Sebastian, you look fantastic. “What the hell have you been doing?” And in my head I’m like, “I think I’m dying. ” So I went to the hospital. Go to the hospital, go to the doctor. I walk in, I go, “Take a look. “Look at this. ” He goes, “Oh, hold on, let me go take a look at something. ” I go, “Where you going, Google? “I was just there, it says I’m gonna lose my fingers. “What do you know?” He’s like, “I’m gonna write you a prescription “to get some lotion. ” Now, this is always a problem, going to your local pharmacy to get medication. I dunno why, you give your slip to the pharmacist, he always looks at it, he’s like, “Oh “It’s gonna be about another 25 minutes. “If you wanna walk around Walgreens, “about another 25 minutes. ” And I’m like, “It’s right there. “It’s right on the shelf. ” But you never question the pharmacist. You’re always like, “Oh, okay. ” I didn’t take the walk, I stood my ground. I go, “You got it, right?” He’s like, “Yeah, we got it. ” I go, “Why would I walk around?” He’s like, “There’s people ahead of you. ” I go, “No, they’re not. “I’m staring right at you. “Where are they?” He’s like, “They’re walking around Walgreens. ” What? Nobody could tell me why I’m taking this walk. For years, I swear to God, I thought people were making medication in the back room. I thought there was some guy filling up little caplets going, “Tell ’em walk around! “I can’t get the damn things on, they’re too small! “I need another 25 minutes, I got 30 caplets!” So I took the walk, I came back, there’s a person in front of me, and there’s a line, I didn’t see this the first time, there’s a line on the floor with two footprints. And it says, on the floor, “For the privacy of the person “in front of you, please stand behind the line. ” Now, the person is right here. I’m right here behind the line. You’re telling me this much I can’t hear nothing? Right here, right here, no idea what’s happening. Right here, “He’s got gonorrhea!” Every time you come outta the pharmacy there’s always a homeless guy there. I dunno why this is. I love to give to the homeless, don’t get me wrong, but I get attacked nine, 10 times a day for change, I don’t have this type of change for the demand. So I give, but I give once a day. And how, I base it on how they approach me. They guy today had an amazing approach. Beautiful posture. Made direct eye contact. Came up, asked me very nice, he’s like, “Hey, you gotta couple quarters? “I’m down on my luck. ” I said, “There you go, man. “Sorry to hear that. ” He walked his way, I walked mine. There was no problem. But sometimes they scare the crap outta you, right? They’ll fall out of a bush. They got some screwed up walk. Like, “Why am I gonna give you anything? “You took no time with your presentation. “You got 24 hours a day and this “is the best you could come up with?”

I dunno what’s wrong with people. It’s all changing, man. And I’m glad you guys came out tonight to watch some live entertainment, because I don’t even know what they’re giving you on television. American Idol, this is a huge, huge thing. What is it? It’s your neighbor. You turn it on, you’re like, “Isn’t this Kyle from Kinkos? “What the hell is he doing on televison?” No, I grew up with entertainment, man. Musicians that created something, an image, a costume. When Michael Jackson first came out I lost my mind. Oh, God! Yeah! He came on MTV, I’d stop what I was doing, it was like an event. I’m like, “Ma, look at this! He’s a.. “He’s got one glove. ” Do you know the talent you have to have to come up with one glove? Nobody gave him this outfit, the guy had to think of this. Sitting in his house after Off the Wall, he’s like, “How am I gonna top 8,000,000 sold? “Go get me one glove. ” What? “Yeah, and go dip it in diamonds. ” Do you think he stopped with the glove? He’s like, “You know what? “Go do that with my socks. ” Then he looked at himself in the mirror, he’s like, “They’re not gonna be able to see the socks. “Hem the pants eight inches off the ground. ” What? And not only did he pull it off, the whole world was doing it. I was doing it! I had the red jacket with the zippers and the cheese graters on the top. I would put Michael Jackson moves into conversations. I’d come up to my mother, I’d go, “Ma, you think I could get a popsicle?” We were all doing it. That’s talent.

Prince, remember when this guy first came out? Four foot two? Four foot two with high heels! I didn’t even question that. Purple Rain? The movie changed my life. Remember that motorcycle he had? Eight times too big for him? Remember when he pulled up to Lake Minnetonka? He’s sitting on his bike with that black jumpsuit, that mane for a hairdo, that shit around the mouth, whatever the hell that was. His little boots. Size two boots. Apollonia was this guy’s girlfriend’s name. Could you imagine meeting this couple at a party? Be like, “Hey, how you doing?” “My name’s Prince, this is Apollonia. “What’s your name?” You’re like, “Shit, I gotta go change it. ” What do you come back with? “My names John, this is Carol. “What the hell are you? “Are those mini boots, what do you? “Is that lace around your wrist? “Who are you?” I wanted to be Prince. I’d walk around my house, outta nowhere, “Dearly beloved. “Dearly beloved. ” My mother’d be like, “What the hell did you just say?” Mother, I said, “Dearly beloved. ” Now what do we got? American Idol? Some idiot from Montana singing a song in his t-shirt with his entire family in the front row telling America to vote, “Vote! “Vote for our child so we can all have a better life!” Fuck your kid. He stinks. Put him in the truck.

Thank you guys, you been fantastic. Thank you so much. Thank you


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