Sebastian Maniscalco Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

Sebastian Maniscalco returns to The Tonight Show with jokes about his experiences eating out at restaurants with his wife and in-laws.

Sebastian Maniscalco returns to The Tonight Show with jokes about his experiences eating out at restaurants with his wife and in-laws.

Aired on September 27th 2019

-Thank you. Thank you. So, it’s been a big week for me. My wife and I celebrated at a restaurant. My wife doesn’t really know how a restaurant works. Like, I worked in restaurants. I know the back of the house, I know the front of the house. I know the nuances. [Laughter] My wife has no idea. For example, she always flags down the busboy. [Laughter]

She’s always like, “Excuse me?”

He’s like, “Yes?!”



My wife doesn’t know how to talk to foreigners. Okay? Look at how quiet it just got. [Laughter] I said “foreigners.” Everybody’s, “Hey, guy…” [Laughter] I grew up with foreigners. My father is a foreigner. My grandfather is a foreigner. They do not have the complete grasp of the English language. So you can’t talk to them like you would talk to somebody who knows English. All right? It’s always fragmented. My wife, she’s asking the busboy, “Can I have another Tito’s and soda?” I go, “Babe, the only ‘Tito’ he knows is in the back.” [Laughter] He’s gonna go and say, “Tito, they need you!” [Laughter] And he’s gonna come out with a towel over his shoulder and a can of soda. “Hey!” [Laughter]

My wife never knows what she wants to eat. She always goes, “You go first.” I said, “All right. I’ll have a New York strip and mixed vegetables. Back to you. How long did you think I was going to take?” [Laughter] And She gets it from her family. Going out with my wife’s family is a nightmare. All right? My wife comes from a Jewish family. Do we have any Jews here tonight? [Cheers] Perfect. You’ll get this. Okay? [Laughter] I love the Jews. The Jews are very sweet people. All right? My wife’s Jewish. My best friend is Jewish. They’re sweet people, all right? I got to build them up because now I’m gonna rip them to shreds, right? [Laughter and applause]

When we go out with my wife’s family, Jews, generally, are unhappy… [Laughter] …when they go out to a restaurant. Right? For example, when we go to the table, I never sit down at the table. ‘Cause I know this isn’t the table… [Laughter] …we’re gonna be dining at tonight. [Laughter] There’s a lot of whispering as we approach, particularly coming out of my mother-in-law. [Stammering] “Oh…” There’s always something wrong. There’s a draft. There’s a lot of traffic. [Laughter] The chair’s screwed up. [Laughter] The chair is always screwed up. Constantly. Food’s going back. Food’s gonna go back… for sure. [Laughter] Like, they think every ingredient should be listed on the menu. So when it comes out and they don’t — You know, they’re like, “Huh? What?” The hand goes up. [Laughter] She’s like, “What’s this?” And the waiter’s like, “That’s a little cumin.” She’s like, “Well, I didn’t see that on the menu.” And I’m thinking, “I don’t know. Maybe the chef was in the back, and he’s like, “Eh, let me give it a little cumin.” [Laughter] Maybe — [Laughter] “A little experiment tonight. I don’t know. Just because it’s not on page 2, I can’t use it?” [Laughter] Italians, we don’t send food back. We’ll talk about it. “How is it?” “It sucks, but what’d you expect? We didn’t make it. All right?” [Laughter and applause] We’ll try and fix it at the table. “Give me the pepper and the oil. Let me see what I could do. Some rosemary. There it is.”

You guys are great. Thank you. [Cheers and applause]


Come on, now! That’s insane. Sebastian Maniscalco! For more info, visit


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