Sarah Silverman: PostMortem (2025)
[in deep voice] This is the lowest my voice goes.
[in normal voice] Oh my gosh, Ali Wong. Jerry. My parents?
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between.
It’s time to introduce my former lover.
Oh, Tina and Amy.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
Oops, how did that slip out? Please put your hands together for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.
[audience cheering, whistling]
Thank you. Aw.
[audience cheering, whistling]
Wow. Uh, wow! I accept.
[audience laughing]
If this doesn’t bookend with that, it’s… it will be a failure. But… I’m concerned you’re setting yourselves up for disappointment. But I’m so happy that you’re here, and I’m so happy to be here in New York City…
[audience applauding, whooping]
Ah! …at the Beacon Theatre. And I… This is actually the middle of my tour. And, uh, I’ve come to really love being on the road, especially now. You know, just, one, because I really love connecting with audiences, you know, now more than ever. And, two, because I’ve really become a, a… a real hotel slut. I, um… I just love when a hotel is really nice. You know how… You know how you can tell if a hotel is fancy? If you come back to your room and where you left off in your toilet paper has been folded in a perfect triangle. I mean, there’s just, I mean, nothing more luxurious than, um, knowing that a stranger’s fingers…
Uh…
[audience laughing]
…have handled something that you will press to your asshole at some point for sure. Mm! It really is how the other half lives. And, um… I’ve been with my boyfriend… [hesitates] …Rory, for five years. I should be able to say his name better, but it’s ridiculous. [stilted] Rory. Rory. But, you know, it’s enough time that we do things to jazz things up a little. Like, uh, lately I’ve taken to jerking him off with my non-dominant hand.
[audience laughing]
Which is great, you know, ’cause it feels like someone else is doing it. And, uh… I was actually a little bit proud of myself when I thought of that joke. And Rory was sleeping next to me, and I woke him up and told it to him. He goes, “Yeah, that’s good. You know what we call that?” [audience members] The Stranger.
“The Stranger.”
[audience laughing]
Everybody knows but me. I had never heard that before. And, you know, it’s just crazy because I always feel like, um, women, in general, are more familiar with, uh, the experience of a man. We need to see the world through a male lens in order to just survive. Men don’t need to do that, but, um… Yeah, this one got by me. “The Stranger.” I love it. He goes, “Yeah, like, uh, I’ll use my left hand, or sometimes I… I’ll sit on my hand to numb it up a little.”
[audience laughing]
I mean, swoon. And, well, I think this is normal, like… We’ll do things with sex, like we’ll start talking fantasy talk sometimes during sex, like… One time, we were fooling around, and this just came out of my mouth. I-I didn’t plan it. And I go, “You just showed up at my summer camp.”
[audience laughing]
And even he was like… [disgusted groan]
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] But he saved it. He goes, uh, “But you, like, own the camp, right?” I go, “Yeah. Yes.” “I own the camp. Yes.” Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him… What, do I go side to side? I… Whatever. The position doesn’t even matter, but we were doing it. And then he goes, he’s like, “This is so crazy. Like, I don’t even know your last name.” And, you know, I’m playing along, and I said, um, “It’s Hitler.”
And…
[audience laughing]
He came immediately, which was…
[audience applauding]
…a little disconcerting. Right here. Right between my… [audience laughing, applauding] …my upper lip and my nose bottom. Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice both died last May, nine days apart. And… Oh, that one needs work.
Um…
[audience laughing]
But they really did, and, uh, I was really close with both of them. And my dad was my best friend, and, uh, they both gave me so much. And most recently, about an hour of new material, so let’s do this. [audience whooping, applauding] Good. [audience cheering] All right, uh… Let me introduce the characters involved. Uh, first, my dad, Donald “Schleppy” Silverman. Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh…
Born in Boston, then his family moved to…
[audience members cheering]
You’ve heard of it?
[audience laughing]
You’re like, “I’m from Boston.” You’re from Quincy. But, uh… [chuckles] Uh, they moved to New Hampshire, and that’s where I was born and raised. And, uh, my dad owned a discount women’s clothing store called Crazy Sophie’s Factory Outlet. It’s funny. When I tell people I’m from New Hampshire, they’ll go, “There are Jews in New Hampshire?” Then I have to explain to them that, you know, even New Hampshire deserves retail. And, uh…
[audience laughing]
He’d do his own radio ads. He’d be like, “I’m Crazy Donny.” “When I see the prices at the mall, I just wanna vomit!” And then he’d rattle off a bunch of off-brand brands. And then at the end, he’d go, “If you care enough to buy the very best, but you’re too cheap, come to Crazy Sophie’s!” It… You know, I think he named it because… Um, Crazy Sophie’s Factory Outlet. He… He loved Crazy Eddie from New York, you know, in the ’80s?
And he wanted to do something like that.
[audience whooping] And, uh… But he needed it to be a woman’s name ’cause it’s women’s discount clothes. And then, you know, we’re Jewish, so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name, so he picked Sophie, Crazy Sophie’s Factory Outlet. And my nana, his mom, was very upset because her best friend back in Boston was Sophie Moskowitz. And she felt that he was calling her crazy. And, uh, he explained to her, “Mom, if I named the store after Sophie Moskowitz, I’d call it Ugly Sophie’s Factory Outlet.”
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
And I thought that story was so funny, so years ago, I told it on a talk show, and I didn’t realize at the time that, um, Sophie Moskowitz was still with us.
[audience laughing]
And, um… It caused much tsuris between the families. But I… I did make absolute sure, um, that she’s dead now, so…
[audience laughing]
My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday, and I almost never picked up the phone because his messages were gold. And I committed a couple of them to memory. I remember one was around the time when everybody had cell phones, like, even in New Hampshire, you know? And he calls me, and he goes, “Guess where I am?” “The car wash. Can you believe it?” “I’m talking into this hunk of plastic, and it’s bouncing off the sky and down to you.” The sky. Yeah. And then he just starts going, “Oy.” “Oy!” “Oy!” His windows were down.
[audience laughing]
And I was listening to him get soaked for several minutes. That is a very specific oy from my dad. I haven’t heard it a lot. Um… We went to exactly one movie together, uh, when I was younger. Um… It seemed like the perfect movie by the title, but it really wasn’t. It was called Boys Don’t Cry. Brilliant film, but don’t go see it with your dad. And, uh… There’s an absolutely brutal sexual assault scene. And during it, the entire theater is silent, and all you can hear is, “Oy.”
[audience laughing]
“Oy!” The other message I committed to memory was, uh… [laughs softly] I had… I had moved to Los Angeles, and I was getting jobs, like, on TV shows and stuff. And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes, “I know you’re a real Hollywood hotshot now.” “Maybe you could find time in your busy schedule to call back the guy who gave you life.”
[audience laughing]
And then it sounds like he’s hanging up, but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes, “I used to lift up your little legs and wipe the shit out of your tuchus.”
[audience laughing]
“Maybe you can find a minute for me.” He… He really loved getting old. He loved it. He, he, he knew he was adorable. He loved what he could get away with. We were at a sandwich shop in LA. And we’re eating, and these two huge muscle guys walk over to him and start, like, threatening him, like… [grunts] And he’s laughing, and they leave, and I’m like, “What was that?” He goes, “Oh, I went to refill my Coke, and then I saw those two big muscle guys.” “So I walked over there, and I go, ‘You know what?'” “I feel like kicking some ass.”
[audience laughing]
With his little nubby elbows. He had sacks of water that just hung off of both of his elbows. Uh, you know, even the doctor goes, “I can drain those.” He said, “Nah, my grandkids like it.”
[audience laughing]
Oh, I was home. Uh, I took a quick break from tour to go home for the holidays. And, uh, at that time, I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned because, of course, death creeps in through the gums. And, uh, my dad and I had the same dentist, uh, Dr. Hernandez, so it was fun to see him. And he’s cleaning my teeth, and he goes, “I miss your dad!” And I go, “I know, I miss him too.” And he goes, “No, you don’t understand. You have to look at my Yelp page.”
[audience laughing]
So this is a little addition on this half of the tour. Oh, fuck, I don’t have, um… I’m not wearing my glasses ’cause I’m shooting a special. Somebody throw me some readers. Uh… Just one of you. Some of you. Uh… You know, don’t panic. Um…
[audience laughing]
Just chuck ’em right up on stage. Readers don’t have, like, a specific… Okay! [audience applauding] [audience whooping] Was that you? Ooh. What do you clean these with, salami?
[audience laughing]
All right. I’m kidding. Be grateful. I appreciate you. This is my dad’s Yelp review. “Five stars.” “My dentist theory is, if it doesn’t hurt, don’t fix it.” “At 84, this has worked pretty good for me.” “Now, I finally find an exception to my rule.” “And that exception is James Hernandez.” “No time is wasted with Jimmy at the helm.”
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
“He has golden hands, fixing what ails your mouth promptly and efficiently.” “Get rid of your old shit dentist, and switch to the best.” “Tell him Schleppy sent you.” [audience laughing, cheering] [audience applauding] Oh my God. So funny. Uh, he called himself a reverse snob, which I tried to explain to him is really just a snob, you know, and, uh… But he hated rich people. And they would go to Florida in the winters for a while ’cause Jewish law, and…
[audience laughing]
He would, uh… He’d sit at the Starbucks and heckle people. He’s sitting there, and a guy in a Bentley pulls into one of the spots. And my dad stands at the head of it and starts going… “Good for you!” “Good for you. You got yourself a Bentley.” “That could probably feed 100,000 people in Africa.” “But you need a Bentley. Good for you.”
[audience laughing]
My stepmother, she’s like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” “Your father’s been punched in the face three winters in a row.” Like, if he saw anyone with a Rolex, he’d be like, “Oh, nice Rolex.” “My Timex was 30 bucks, and I can swim in it, but good for you.” “You need a Rolex. Now everybody knows you’re rich.” [chuckles] He really fucking hated rich people until I started making money. Then he was like, “I’m never flying coach again.”
[audience laughing]
Uh, next, my mother, my biological mother, Beth Ann O’Hara. And I know some of you are… Your wheels are spinning. She married an Irish Catholic man. She’s fully Jewish. You can still jerk off to me.
Um…
[audience laughing, applauding] Beth Ann died eight years ago. And, um… Let me describe her. She was… She was just a natural beauty, no makeup. She wore, like, overalls with paint all over them ’cause she’d paint in them, and, um, like, two different color socks. And, uh, she had a jewelry box, but it was filled with, like, political pins. And like, you know, no bra, nipples out ’cause fuck the man. And then, in contrast to that, her personality was… She… I don’t… This isn’t an original way to describe her, but she really was exactly Diane Chambers from Cheers. Like, she really said, like… [enunciates] …when and where, and… you know, grammar and diction and enunciation were her passions. We… l remember being with her as a kid. We were ordering food. And she goes, um, “I’ll have the breakfast croissant.” And, you know, we live in Manchester, New Hampshire. They say “avocaydo” there. I… I’m like, “Mom…” The girl’s like, “The what?” “The croissant, the breakfast croissant.” I’m like, “Mom, it’s a Croissan’wich.” “We’re at Burger King. Like, meet people where they’re at.”
[audience laughing]
She, um… She was a director. She directed local theater in Manchester, New Hampshire. And she was a born director. You know, little notes, little corrections for everyone she met. Never met a comment card she didn’t fill out.
Um…
[audience laughing]
She was actually the voice of our local movie theater, uh, Bedford Mall Cinemas. Um, “Where all bargain matinees are only two dollars Monday through Saturday.” And she got the job, um, because she complained.
[audience laughing]
She went right in and said, “I called to see what movies were playing, and the man on the line was indecipherable.” “He had no diction. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.” They were like, “You wanna do it?” She was like, “I… [chuckles] Well, I don’t know. I…” “Yes!” “Yes! Okay!” And, uh, a star was born. She really never lied. It would never occur to her to lie, even to, like, protect someone’s feelings. She just… She just didn’t do it, you know? Like, uh… She was directing a play, and, and one of her young actresses asked her, you know, “Beth Ann, do you think I could really make it someday?” And she said, “No!”
[audience laughing]
The only reason I know that story was I was asking my sister Susie if she had any stories about Mom, and she told that to me, and I said, “How do you know that? Were you there?” And she said, “No.” “Mom told me ’cause she couldn’t figure out why that girl was crying.”
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
That girl… Pam Sullivan. Right. You’ve never heard of her, right?
[audience laughing]
Not talented. Did not have it.
[audience laughing]
But, you know, she was my mom. I… You know, I sat with her as she was dying. And I was holding her hand, and it was a quiet moment. And it was the last thing she said to me, and she looked up, and she said, “Your hair.” [whispers] “It’s so dry.”
[audience laughing]
I really wouldn’t change it for the world, you know? I know it sounds like I’m being hard on her, but honestly, I’m so grateful. She always told me the truth, and it was a bummer a lot of the time. But sometimes it was something nice, and then I knew it was true, you know? I mean, I think we need more Beth Anns in the world, you know? Uh, if we’re lacking anything in this world right now, it’s… it’s truth, you know? [audience whooping, whistling] The cold, hard, braless nipples of truth. [audience applauding] Enter Janice, my wicked stepmother, um, as she called herself. She was just the sweetest lady you could ever meet. Um… Just to give you a, um… idea. Like, bleach-blonde hair. Face full of makeup. Nails that match the shoes. A whole outfit. She had a style. Very different from my mother. Um… And so sweet. And one time, she picked me up after work, and I got in the car, and she said, “What do you think of my makeup?” And, uh, because I am my mother’s daughter…
[audience laughing]
…I did have several notes. But because I was also Janice’s daughter, I did know to shut the fuck up and tell her it was beautiful. And honestly, thank God I did, um, because then she said, “It’s tattooed!”
[audience laughing]
Janice was very literal. What do I mean by that? I don’t even know, but she, she needed, like, specific instructions, you know? She wasn’t dumb. She was literal. She needed… She was very good at sports, for instance, ’cause she could learn each step. You know, like… You know how, like, I put my hair in a ponytail? It’s just like… [babbling] You know? I feel like she’d be like, “You pull the hair through, and then you twist.” “Then you put the hair through that.” You know what I mean? She’s very step-by… You know how you scramble an egg? You just gotta kinda have a feel for it. I feel like Janice would be like, “You put the fork in, and then you put it in a hundred little circles.”
[audience laughing]
I was in the car with her, and, uh, I go, “Janice, do you have any ChapStick?” And she looks, and she goes, [tuts] “Oh, shit.” “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, I don’t.” And I go, “It’s okay.” And then, like, a moment later, she goes, “I have something called Vaseline Lip Therapy.”
[audience laughing]
“Yeah, that’s great. I…” “You know I’m not sponsored by ChapStick, right?” [chuckles] Uh, my sister Laura is just an all-around artist. She does everything, and she had painted something, and she thought, “Oh, Janice would like this.” So she mailed it to her, and then Janice got it. And she called Laura, and she goes, “How did you know?” And Laura goes, “Know what?” And she goes, “It’s all my colors.” “Tan, bronze, and animal print.”
[audience laughing]
This woman. You know, I’ve been doing stand-up since I was 17. And when I think back at my younger years, at how absolutely cunty and judgmental I was, I’m so embarrassed. Like, I remember thinking, like, “Ugh. Women in leopard print is so lame.” Like, “It’s so tacky.” “Only old Jewish and Italian women wear leopard print.” And then I turned 50, and I realized, you know, it’s such a fun print.
[audience laughing]
Um… [scattered applause, whooping] So as Dad and Janice got older, when they would have doctor’s appointments, we would have them record on their iPhone, you know, on the voice memo app. And then they would post that on our family WhatsApp chain so we could listen to it and make sure everything was being taken care of. And… The Silverman family is so up each other’s assholes with WhatsApp chains, by the way. We, uh… We’ve got, like, Silverman United, like, everyone WhatsApp chain. And then there’s four sisters, so then we have the, like, the sisters chain with us. And then, um, like, all the sisters minus one and all the different combinations.
[audience laughing]
So Janice has this doctor’s appointment, and we know it’s gonna be bad news. We know it’s… We’re pretty sure it’s gonna be very bad news. And we have them record, and, uh… they post it on WhatsApp. And we’re listening back, and you hear the doctor say, “Janice, I’m so sorry to tell you this.” “But you have stage-four pancreatic…” And then all of a sudden, you just hear this very loud, low, rolling fart.
[audience laughing]
And it’s… it’s, like, three seconds. And I know people say three seconds to denote, like, a quick amount of time. But if you really think about it, like, with Mississippis, it’s lengthy, you know? And I… I know it’s my dad.
[audience laughing]
You’re probably like, “Oh yeah, I bet Schleppy farted all the time.” I… I’ve never heard him fart in my life. I just… I know that he did not have the tools to handle this, and so his body took over. And now I’m sitting there going, “Stage-four pancreatic what?”
[audience laughing]
But I used context clues. Their individual reactions to this news… I’m still listening, you know, and Janice is just… Her reaction is so Janice, you know? She just goes, “Well, I’ll just do everything you tell me.” “And I’ll… I’ll just do every single thing you say, and I’ll… I’ll fight it.” And… like, it was just so her. And then my dad’s reaction was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I’m not kidding. You just hear him go, “I’m alone!”
[audience laughing]
Then he goes, “I’m a widow!” I know my mother, Beth Ann, is out there somewhere going, “It’s widower,” and… But, Mom…
[audience laughing]
Um… It was so crazy. Uh… I… I’m the designated dad whisperer, and I was tasked with calling him. And I had to say, “Dad, you cannot talk that way in front of your alive wife.” “You have to pull your shit together, okay?” “This isn’t about you.” “This is about Janice. You have to take care of Janice.” “You have to focus. You can’t, like, fall down right now.” And he said, “I know, I know.” And then he started sobbing. And I’ve really never heard him do that, you know? And he goes, “I just… I don’t wanna be in a world without my Janice.” “I just don’t wanna be here without her.” And I just… I wanted to console him, and I looked for something to say, and I said, “Well, you know, statistically, you won’t.” And… I mean…
[audience laughing]
I didn’t know that was gonna come true. I… Obviously, this is not a time to say, “I told you so,” or anything. I… But we got off the phone. He promised he was gonna take care of Janice. And the next day, I did talk to Janice, and she said that she asked him for a glass of water. And he said, “Where is it?”
[audience laughing]
“Where is water?” It’s in your elbows, Dad.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding] [Sarah chuckles] Find yourself a Capri Sun straw, and pop it in there. She’ll go to town. [audience applauding, whooping] So, needless to say, uh, the four sisters and the few grandkids descended on to their apartment. And we kinda… We doula-ed them through death. And death is… is… It’s really hard for me. And that’s what makes me unique.
[audience laughing]
And, uh… No, I… I know it’s not. But it is. It’s hard for me. It’s very hard for me to even, like, kill a small bug, and, you know, almost impossible to make it look like a suicide. I, um…
[audience laughing]
They’re so little. We had flies… We had flies in the house, a lot of flies, and I won’t… I don’t wanna kill anything, and I just… I opened the door and was just kinda, like, air traffic controlling them, like, “Go! Pssh!” But in their defense, you know, I realize they are houseflies. They were in their natural habitat, so I let it go. But then, um, there were too many flies up in our bedroom, and it was too much, and I… I didn’t like it. [hesitates] I didn’t like it at all. And Rory was like, um… “Do…” Ror… I can say it if I say it fancy. [in posh voice] Rory. Rory. Rory was like, uh, “Uh, you want me to get rid of them?” And I said, “What do you mean get rid of them?” He said, “Do you want them gone?” I said, “Okay.” And I went outside the room, and I shut the door, but I… I stayed, and I listened. And all of a sudden, I heard, like, smash! Smack! Bam! And I was like… [squeals] And he must have heard me go… [squeals] And, uh, then he got quiet. And then I heard him open the window, and then he goes, “Bye, guys!” “Fly safe!”
[audience laughing]
I know. And I know he did that for me, you know? I mean, I know he murdered them, but he lied for me, you know? I think I… The reason why I have such an affinity for flies… Oh my God, we’re still talking about flies? Yes. I do have about four more minutes on flies. [clears throat] But, like, a million years ago, I learned this fun fact that, um, flies, they only live for 24 hours. Like, that’s their whole lifespan. And I don’t know, there’s something about that that’s so, uh, beautiful and heartbreaking and poetic, you know, like, a whole lifetime in a day. And, uh, I don’t know, I just think it’s so… You know, this is when I actually first learned this. I was a writer/feature performer on Saturday Night Live. [audience cheering, applauding] Thank you. I… I made an indelible impact. And, uh, it was, uh, the 1993-94 season, just to give you an idea of how good I look, and…
[audience laughing]
I had just learned that fun fact, and it was Phil Hartman’s last year.
[man] Aw.
And… Not of life, but…
[audience laughing]
…at the show. He went on, and he did that, uh, NewsRadio, you know? And, uh, he was so nice, and he said, he goes, “Hey, why don’t you write a sketch for us to do together?” And I was like, “Okay.” And I wrote a sketch, and it was about flies. You know, like, it… it starts with, uh, one of those, like, Star Wars crawls that explains it. “The average fly lives 24 hours.” Blah, blah, blah. And then he played, like, an elderly fly on his deathbed, like, twenty-three and a half hours old.
[audience laughing]
And I’m, like, a young fly, just sprouted wings, and he’s telling me the ways of the world, like, you know, “I remember noon,” or whatever. And, uh… [chuckles] And then, I don’t remember it, but at the end, like, a dog comes and takes a shit and then leaves. And then he says something to me like, “Go get it, kid.” And, uh… You’re not gonna believe this. It didn’t make the air. But, uh… I just, like… I think flies are just so cute. And I don’t understand why we kill them. I mean, we love animals when they’re small. And then they get too small, and you’re like, “Kill them.” You’re monsters. They’re so little, you know, with their, like, their little wings and their giant eyes, and they’ve got their hands going like they’re hatching a plan, you know? Like, I was brushing my teeth, and there he was, a little baby fly, just sprouted wings. And I was like, “Welcome to the world, buddy. You’re gonna have such an adventure.” And then, um, that night, I was washing my face, and there he was. He was all grizzled and old and, like, wasn’t even… He wasn’t flying anymore. He would just take, like, a stilted half-step now and then. And I said, “You did it, man.” “What a ride.”
[audience laughing]
And Rory was in the bathroom. And he said, “I don’t think that’s the same fly.”
[audience laughing]
I… I think it’s just this moment in time, in our world, in our country. I just… I don’t want a man to tell me anything. Not… Just not… And not anything at all.
And it… it’s not right…
[audience whooping] …but this is how I feel. I said, “It’s the same fly, but thank you.”
[audience laughing]
Then he has the fucking lips to go, “Are you sure flies only live 24 hours?” I’m like… [scoffs] “You know what? Maybe you should look it up.” “Because what do I know? I’m just a girl. I probably dreamt it.” And he did back down, and he’s like, “Okay, okay.” But, um… I did end up looking it up, and they live about a month, but, um… I don’t know. You know… [audience laughing, applauding] I don’t give a fuck! No. So Janice went first. Four months to the day. She loved life– Was that too fast a turn? She loved life so much. She wanted to live, you know? She did everything right. And it just sucked, and… And this seems like a good time to mention, um, I do have merch this tour.
[audience laughing]
How fun is that? You know, I’ve never really had merch before. You know, we got Schleppy hats and Postmortem T-shirts, and, like, big, gray, like, collegiate sweatshirts that say Silverman. It makes me feel like I went to college, and, uh… You know, I… I never really had merch before, but I just really feel like my parents would want me to monetize this.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
Thank you.
[audience cheering] Thank you. So, uh, like I said, Janice went first, and we knew it was coming. And, uh, I had actually gone home that night to sleep. And I got a text from my sister Susie, who’s a rabbi, around 7:00 a.m. And she said, uh… She said, “Janice passed away around 2:00 a.m.” “And she’s still here, and Dad is sleeping.” “They’re holding hands.” They were holding hands. And she said, “You know, normally, Dad would be up, but I think he, in his bones, you know, he… he knows, and he just doesn’t wanna face it.” “Um, but I’m here, I’m sitting right next to him, and I’ll be here when he wakes up.” And I said, “Okay, great.” And then all of a sudden, she remembers this joke that she and my dad always loved. And the joke is something like, uh, a brother calls his brother, and he goes, uh, “The cat died.” And then the brother goes, “Don’t just call and say the cat died.” He goes, “What do you want me to say?” He goes, “Call and say the cat’s on the roof, and we can’t get her down.” “Then call and say, ‘We’re at the vet. It’s not looking good.'” “Then call and say, ‘The cat died.'” And the brother says, “Okay, I’m sorry.” And his brother goes, “It’s all right. How’s Mom?” And… You’re ahead of it.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] He says, “She’s on the roof, and we can’t get her down.” [audience laughing, applauding] So now Rabbi Susie remembers this all in one minute, and she just… she’s hysterically laughing. And she is a rabbi, but when she starts, she can’t stop. And it’s loud, and tears are running down her face. And she just can’t stop. And she’s now terrified that Dad is gonna wake up and be like, “What’s so funny?” And she’d be like, “Janice died.”
[audience laughing]
And she texts me, and she goes, “When he wakes up, should I say that Janice is on the roof, and we can’t get her down?” And I’m like, “Yes!”
[audience laughing]
Because we are a very dark, fucked-up family, but I… I did think better of it, and I said, “No, be a rabbi.” “And later in the day, uh, I’ll tell him.” But it’s so funny. We’re… We’re only just grieving, like, now, you know, because it took… There’s just so much logistics. You don’t expect it. It’s not how it is, like, in the movies or something. It’s just… There’s so much to do, and I… I feel bad saying this. They were such responsible people, but the craziest thing is they made no death plan. And so we were left with so much to do. And I… I don’t want to blame… I mean, listen, in their defense, they were only 80 and 85. Who knew? And I guess I basically knew what they wanted. Like, my dad always said, “Throw me in a pine box and bury me.” “I’ll push up the flowers and the trees.” And… I think Janice would’ve liked a nice, you know, five-star, kind of, silk-lined… With a… maybe a string and a bell just in case.
[audience laughing]
Um… But I remember, you know, they came over every Sunday, uh, for bagels and cream cheese, and it was just my favorite day. And they were over, maybe this was two years ago, and, uh, everyone was in the backyard, and my dad and I were alone in the kitchen, and I asked him, I said, “Are you afraid of dying?” And he goes, “Not at all.” “I don’t remember before I was born. I’m not gonna remember after.” But then he goes, “But I’m just… I’m scared it will hurt.” And he… My dad was a huge pain pussy. He, um… It’s true. He was so afraid it would hurt. He once got a, you know, an EKG, where they put all the stickers on you. He would not pull those stickers off. He’s like, “I’m afraid it will pull my hair.” He goes, “I’m gonna let it wear off.” And he really did. I mean, it took, like, weeks. He was in a pool at one point with all these EKG stickers. He looked like a… like a dog that just had puppies.
[audience laughing]
So he… he really wasn’t scared, but he was, he was scared it would hurt. And his doctor called me. We’re taking care of him now, and Janice is gone. And I’m the point person, so I answer the phone, and I take it in the hallway, and his doctor, Dr. Nortman, said, um, “Listen, we just got your dad’s blood results back, and he’s dying.” “He needs to be in the hospital.” And I said, “I don’t know what to do because I…” “We promised him no more hospital.” “He fucking hates it there.” And the doctor said, “You know, look, as a doctor, I have to suggest he go to the hospital.” “As a human being, I… you know, I think that’s fine.” “If he goes to the hospital, he’ll live a few more days, but they’ll be hospital days.” “And right now, he’s home, he’s surrounded by family, and I… I actually think that’s just the ticket.” Then he said, “The way he’s gonna die is kidney failure, which just happens to be a painless death.” “You go into a fog, eventually.” “It’s almost euphoric, and you’re just gone.” And I was so excited for my dad, and I ran into his room. I probably should’ve taken a beat.
[audience laughing]
I said, “Dad, great news!”
[audience laughing]
He’s like, “Huh?” I’m like… “Mitigate your expectations. You’re dying.” But I said, “No more meds.” You know, he was on, like, 40 pills a day. He goes, “No more meds?” I go, “None. You’re done.” “And we’re all gonna live here with you forever.” [audience] Aww. And… What? He knew what I meant though. And then I told him exactly how he was gonna die and that it wasn’t gonna hurt at all. And his shoulders went down, and he was so happy. We all got into bed with him. It was a great death, you know? We… we were singing old camp songs. He loved camp. And, uh, telling funny Silverman family stories. I made a mix for him of all the biggest hits from the summer he was 17 ’cause I feel like that was his happiest summer. And he knew every word to every song. It was pretty awesome. So, you know, Janice is gone, Dad is going, and I’m back on the phone with the same mortuary where we put Janice to try to get ahead of it. And I go into Dad’s room, and I said, um, “Dad, I know you wanted to be buried, but would you mind being cremated? Only because…” And… what I’m about to say is… It’s gonna be bad for the Jews. But I… I did get a deal on Janice’s plot. I really did. I, uh…
[audience laughing]
“It’s called a ‘plus one,’ and you can be buried with her, like, three feet above, but you have to be cremated to fit.” And he goes, “I don’t give a fuck. I’ll be dead.” And I’m like, “Ah! You’re so easy.” “We’ll take it. Thank you.” [audience laughing, applauding] And the guy from the mortuary goes, “Uh, was that your father?”
[audience laughing]
[hesitates] I said, “Yeah.” And he said, uh, “We can’t schedule a cremation for someone who’s currently living.”
[audience laughing]
Like… he said it like I was the asshole.
[audience laughing]
You know, I… I’m like, “You’re a Jewish mortuary. You shouldn’t even be offering cremation.” “All of a sudden, you’re a stickler?” I… What am I supposed to do? Like, cremation takes one to two weeks. Like, in Jewish, the funeral is, like, the next day. It’s… It’s very farm-to-table. And, like… [audience laughing, applauding] Huh. Oh, and then I go, “And by the way, Janice had tattoos.”
[audience laughing]
I mean, it was her lips and her eyebrows, but still, she did. But, you know, then I realized we don’t need the ashes for the funeral. It’s, you know… He’s not really there. It’s… It’s for us. A funeral is for us. And, uh, I don’t think anyone’s gonna be like, “Yeah, where are the ashes?” You know, just… We just… We had a beautiful funeral, and a couple weeks later, we got the ashes, and the four sisters did a little something, you know, but… I don’t know, I… My therapist said, “Your parents, your loved ones, they’re not in the casket.” “They’re not in the ground.” “They’re… They’re in the car with you on the way to the cemetery.” “They’re in the car with you going home from the cemetery.” And I really believe that. I… I happen to be godless, but I do believe in science, and I know that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. I wrote that.
[audience laughing]
And… And I believe that. I… You know, our… our loved ones, they’re not in the ground or in their bodies anymore. They’re… But their energy, their… their essence, their “-ness” is out there, and I actually think that our loved ones are watching over us. You know, maybe not all the time, but in the important moments, um, like when we’re masturbating or…
[audience laughing]
Oh, Sarah. I don’t know why I would say that. I think I… Like, I need to think that in order to come, but…
[audience laughing]
I just… Because the show is so sad, and then I worry, and then I go too far the other way, but I… It’s a balance. But I… I do think… I do think that our loved ones are watching over us when we masturbate. As… [giggles] As evidenced by the faint, “Oy.” Oy! Oy! [audience applauding, whooping] Really? Huh. Thanks. So, uh, you know, now my dad is dying, and, oh my God, he’s being so funny. Like, at one point, he goes, um… He musters up all his energy, and he goes, “I changed my mind.” “I want to live.” And my sister Susie, the rabbi, goes… [gasps] And I go, “Susie, he’s fucking with you.” [chuckles] And then Susie came to the show when I was on tour a couple weeks ago. And she came backstage, and she goes, “Are you kidding me?” “You were the one that gasped, and I was the one that told you he was fucking with you.” And then, um, I had to explain to her that, like, that’s not who she is in this.
[audience laughing]
And… [chuckles] So we’re taking turns sitting with him and sleeping next to him, and, uh… at one point, Rory is, um… He’s sitting with my dad. And my dad’s phone went off. And I don’t understand how old people… They don’t know how to use a smartphone, but somehow they hack into it and make the volume 1,000.
[audience laughing]
And, um… Also, the ringtone was “The Star-Spangled Banner,” and, uh… Rory’s like, uh, “You want me to answer this?” “It’s somebody named Steve Forman.” And my dad goes, “Okay.” So he puts it on speaker, and he holds it up. And this guy Steve Forman goes, “Schleppy, say it ain’t so!” And they have a little conversation, and it’s very sweet, and they hang up. And, uh, my dad says to Rory, “You know who that was?” “You ever hear of imitation crab?”
[audience laughing]
[laughs] Hm. Rory’s like, uh, “Yeah, they, like, put it in sushi sometimes, right?” And, uh, my dad goes, “That guy invented imitation crab.” And he looked it up. He really did. “In 1970, and now he’s rich.” And so Rory goes, “That’s amazing. How’d you meet him?” And my dad goes, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”
[audience laughing]
They met at Dunkin’ Donuts, and now they’re having a conversation on his deathbed. Um, a lot of my friends came by to say goodbye to him because, uh, like, my dad played poker with us. So a lot of my friends, my comic friends, um, knew him. And, uh, Jeff Ross, you know, uh, Jeffrey Ross, the, uh, Roastmaster General.
[audience applauding, whooping]
Um… The best roaster in town. He’s been very close to my parents for a long time. And he came to sit with him, and when he walked in, he goes, “Schleppy, I got bad news.” “I don’t think you can be my emergency contact anymore.”
[audience laughing]
And, uh… He sat with him and, actually, um, Jeff introduced my dad and Janice to a friend of his, this older, uh, magician named Bernie Shine. And they all became friends, like, the last ten years or so. And they had gone… Dad and Janice had gone to see Bernie perform, like, six months earlier, you know? So Jeff is sitting with my dad, and he goes, “You want me to FaceTime Bernie so you can say goodbye?” And he said, “Okay.” And he FaceTimes him, and he holds it up. And Bernie gets on, and he says, “Donald, I’m so sorry.” And my dad said, “Bernie, your show was so bad, it killed Janice.” [audience laughing, applauding] And then he goes, “And I’m not feeling so hot either.”
[audience laughing]
He was… He was killing while dying. And he was supposed to, you know… This was supposed to be it. And, you know, it was… I think we reached this time where, like, we had really said it all, and he was, like, um… like, not dying, you know? And it was, honestly, getting uncomfortable, a little bit. It was… It was awkward, and, uh… So I’m sitting with him, and, you know, we had said it all, and… I said, um, “I dunno, you wanna watch TV?” He goes, “Okay.” And we watched, um… Oh. We watched that series Beef, you know, with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun. So fucked up, dark. We love that shit, and it was great. We watched three episodes, and then I went home to sleep. And so I came in the next morning. I go, “Schleppy, you ready for episode 4?” And he goes, “I watched it.”
[audience laughing]
“You watched it without me? What…” “All right, what episode are you on?” He goes, “I binged it all.”
[audience laughing]
“My dad binged Beef on his deathbed…”
[audience laughing]
…should be a billboard for Beef, really. He had a friend… There was a guy named Barry Tatelman. Absolute mensch. Uh, we didn’t know him until about 15 years ago. He… He searched for my dad. And, uh, he found him on Facebook, and they’ve been close the last 15 years. Why was Barry Tatelman searching for my dad? Because my dad was his camp counselor and changed his life. And, you know, ever since he died, all these old men have called into my podcast to say, you know, “Your dad was my camp counselor and… and changed my life.” Well, he molested them.
[audience laughing]
Relief laugh. So, uh, Schleppy did die, painlessly, as promised. And it’s so odd, you know, because I now have no parents. And there’s really no age where you are ready, uh, to have no parents. You know, first, my stepdad, John O’Hara, who didn’t even make this special.
[audience laughing]
So wonderful. And my mother, Beth Ann, who, you know, didn’t get away unscathed, per se. And then Janice, and now my dad, and… My experience is like, um… At first, I really… I felt rudderless, I think, you know? And, um… And then I kind of felt, like, identity crisis-y, you know? Like, who am I without them? You know? Like, who am I without them? And if you ever are wondering who you are, uh, take a look at the ads that are sent to you and only you on your phone. That’s who you are.
[audience laughing]
Everybody knows about it now. It’s not like… You know, everyone knows targeted ads. Like, Siri’s listening to you, and Alexa’s listening to you. And everything you type into your search bar gets taken into account and fed to you. But there was a time when this was happening, and we were not aware of it. And, uh, you know, like, I would look at my phone and be like, “Oh my God, I was just talking about culottes,” or whatever.
[audience laughing]
Ads would… would just pop up, and… and when I think about that time, I’m so embarrassed at how absolutely indignant I was. You know, I remember saying, “I was reading The New York Times op-ed section on my phone, and all of a sudden, an ad pops up for ilovecum.com?”
[audience laughing]
“Children could be reading this!” “Why would The New York Times sell ad space to these people?” And, of course, it’s because, um, they’re not. They… That was just my phone knowing me.
[audience laughing]
I don’t want you to think of me, like, typing in ilovecum.com. First of all, it’s a .org, but…
[audience laughing]
I didn’t even know it was a website, really. You know, I just was typing in whatever my search words were at the time, like, you know, “penises ejaculating” or whatever, and my phone was like, “Stop typing. I’ve got you.” And it would take me there, you know? It was like, my phone’s way of saying, “When there was only one set of footprints…”
[audience laughing]
“…that’s when I was carrying you.” “I got you. I got you.” I know what you were thinking. “This cum joke better have a Jesus reference, or I’m leaving.”
[audience laughing]
Well, I deliver. God’s love I deliver. I said, um, cum.com so many times, you’re gonna get ads for it.
[audience laughing]
So, like I said, we’re really just grieving now, and, uh… It’s interesting to me because, you know, three out of four of us are godless. Of the sisters, not society at large. That would be amazing. Um…
[audience laughing]
But we’re on our WhatsApp, our sisters WhatsApp, and we’re grieving. And it does occur to me that grief is a lot like religion because we’re trying to make sense of something that is beyond our comprehension. We’re trying to understand something that may not be understandable. And, like, Susie wrote, um, “You guys, two birds landed in my windowsill, and I know it was them.” And, you know, Jodyne and Laura were like, “It was them!” And I… I wanna contribute. I… I… I hearted it. And then, um…
[audience laughing]
…Laura was like, “I was at Target, and a woman walked up to me and told me I looked gorgeous in purple.” “And I know that was Janice.” And Susie and Jodyne were like, “It was Janice!” You know? And I’m like… [hesitates] Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
You know, and, um…
[audience laughing]
But it was actually what Jodyne said that got me. You know, she said, um… She said, “You guys, I farted for like four seconds.” [whispers] And I said, “It’s Dad!”
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding] [audience whooping] Um… I miss him so much. I mean, I am… I’m okay. I am okay, but I just ache for him. And the thing that surprises me so much is that I don’t find myself missing, like, young, able-bodied Dad or the Dad that took care of me and went to all my games. I don’t know why this is, but I find myself missing the… the end, like, the… the final days. The quiet times when I’m taking care of him, and, like, he would literally have to tell me, uh, when he had to pee. And then I would have to take his penis and put it in a jug, and… “Penis in a jug” sounds like a… like a dessert at TGI Fridays or something.
But… it’s not.
[audience laughing]
And, um… But in those times, even, like, wiping his ass and, like, changing his diaper, I was… At first, I was so… I was like, “Dad, are you horrified?” And he was like, “I don’t give a fuck.” And once I knew that, I could really, um… you know, not enjoy, but, uh, I felt honored to… I wanted to keep him clean, you know? And maybe you guys are thinking, like, “Ugh, I would never wanna, like, do that.” But you will. You will be able to do… You know, it’s like when someone goes, “I wanna get a dog, but I don’t wanna pick up its shit.” And then on day one, you’re like, “Good boy!” “Oh my God!” It just goes away, and you don’t care, and you wanna do it. And it’s in those moments when I get to keep him clean, you know? And I can tell him things, you know, like, “Dad, I love you,” and “Dad, thank you.” And also, you know, “Who’s wiping the shit out of whose tuchus now, asshole?”
[audience laughing]
Thank you so much.
[audience cheering, applauding] Thank you, the Beacon Theatre, and what an incredible audience, and… Oh, good. [chuckles] Thank you. [audience cheering, whistling] [“Never Burn, Never Bruise” by Psychic Friend playing] [audience whistling, cheering] ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ This town is getting smaller ♪ ♪ They’re turning off the water too ♪ ♪ No returns ♪ ♪ Never used ♪ ♪ Never used ♪ ♪ I left the party favor ♪ ♪ Forgot to sign the waiver ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ Never burn ♪ ♪ Never bruise ♪ ♪ Never bruise… ♪ [Schleppy] This is Crazy Sophie’s husband. I could just vomit when I see all the stuff the department stores pull to get you into their overpriced emporiums. Spend your time at the mall. Spend your money at Crazy Sophie’s. When you care enough to get the very best but too cheap to pay for it, the answer is Crazy Sophie’s Factory Outlet! ♪ You wear an off-the-shoulder ♪ ♪ Your feet are getting colder ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ Never burn ♪ ♪ Never bruise ♪ ♪ Never bruise ♪ ♪ I’m with you… ♪ This is my first, uh, whatever the fuck you call it. And, uh, this is one of many to come. [sing-song] And you’re gonna laugh You’re gonna cry You’re gonna stink You’re gonna sigh And this is what a feminist looks like! ♪ The kids are getting older too ♪ ♪ Never met them, have you… ♪
I have to talk to you about something.
[Schleppy] Yeah? I’ve been thinking about this.
Are you listening?
[Schleppy] Yeah. I don’t think you should be my emergency contact anymore. [laughing] I don’t know. I think I should be. All right, well, you better be there for me. [Schleppy] Yeah. [groans]
Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?
[Jeff] Oh yeah. [woman] What did he say? “Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?” You already trying to bang my girlfriend? [laughing] [keypad beeping]
[Janice] Hi, Honey.
[Schleppy] Hi, Sarah. It being Shabbas, I thought I’d give you a call. Oh, I got this new battery for my bicycle. Thank you so much for finding the guy, and I love it. Oh, I could probably go to Fargo on it, so cancel the airline tickets uh, because this has got so much power. Um, anyway, or as they say in New Hampshire, anyways, love you. Hope you’re doing well. Bye-bye. How do I hang this fucking thing up?
[call disconnects]
