(slow, meditative music)
(audience clapping)
[Voiceover] Ladies and Gentleman, Rory Scovel!
(audience clapping and cheering)
Charleston, South Carolina, thank you so much for being here tonight. Coming out, being a part of this. Lord knows the weather’s been rough. (mumbling)
(laughs)
Charleston. History, you seen our history yet? You guys don’t shut the fuck up about the goddamned history. You seen some of our history stuff yet? Oh, we got a ton of it! You ever been to a city that has literally 4,000 horse drawn carriages? 4,000! More than regular cars! That’s how much history we can’t shut up about. Aah! Look at this cobblestone, ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Look at these houses, they got flames instead of light bulbs, those are called rich people. Who else? The irony that fire is now more expensive. I feel like some people are tense. Like, hey, I like the horse drawn… I genuinely felt a vibe right there. Someone like, hey, those are our horse drawn carriages. Talkin’ shit about our carriages. You probably do like the carriage until you’re in your car, and you have to get somewhere and you pull up to a goddamn history class.
(audience laughs)
Who the fuck is paying to do that? Hey, me and my wife are wondering, how much does it cost to learn history at a really slow pace? Now, will the horse shit into our faces? We’re really trying to get all of it. I mean 30 bucks is a little steep.
(laughs)
Why do you even pay for a horse drawn carriage? Why don’t you just… Why don’t you just fuckin’ walk next to them slowly? Can’t keep up? Uh, sir, you have to pay to take this tour. Oh, I’m not, I’m not. No, I’m just walking, I don’t even know. Well, are you, are you, telling them stuff? (chuckles) I didn’t even know, I was just walking at this pace. Well, if I’m such a nuisance, just lose me. Take off, get out of here! Go! Go. Every car behind the carriage. You’re a great citizen, dude! These stupid horses! So cold out, what a winner, what a great winner. Good change up, rip into the city a bit, and then do a little weather spritzing. Here we go. It’s been cold, right? Polar vortex. I don’t like, I don’t even like saying that. That it’s cold, when I think that it’s cold out. Because there’s always some asshole around, you know who I’m talking about, there’s someone in this room. If I’m like, oh it’s really cold outside. Someone’s initial instinct when I say that, they so badly want to be like Fuck, you think this is cold? Yeah, yeah, I do! Because it is! I don’t know what happened in High School, but let it go, let it go. Just let it go! It’s cold! I’m not saying this is the coldest I’ve very been. I’m not like, Oh my God! When do we eat each other? What is it, 58? Ah! Just saying it’s cold. Ah, this shit ain’t cold. Put a jacket on, Short Sleeves. I go short sleeves in this kinda temperature, how else can I not unverbally tell people that I’m fearless.
(audience laughs)
Fucking cold, and you know it’s cold. This isn’t cold. This ain’t cold, dude. Shoulda been here three years ago. They always reference another time. You shoulda been here three years ago. That’s when it was cold. This? I fuck on my porch, in this! Okay? I porch-fuck! In this! I can’t cum unless I’m naked on my porch. Having sex in these Hawaii-esque temperatures. Think this is cold? Yeah! Yeah, it so cold. And I bet that day, three years ago, I bet it was cold. Oh, shoulda been here three years ago. I bet that day was cold. But, you know what? On that day, somebody was like, Ah, it’s really cold out. And someone was like: Oh, you think this is cold? You should been here in 1982. I don’t know why this is the accent. But. Shoulda been here in 1982 that was fuckin’ cold. Blizzard! Blizzard! August! Very rare month for it! We didn’t know what to do. We got Dairy Queen, we got Dairy Queen-ed that year, that’s what we call it. Birds were frozen in mid-flight! Had to jump up and grab ’em like a Mario! Pull ’em outta the sky. That was the year we ate those birds. That’s the title of tonight’s show: That’s The Year We Ate Those Birds.
(dramatic music)
You guys stumbled in into a one man show. That was the year we ate those birds! Could you even stand the show if that was my delivery the whole show? Anyone else here married?
(audience laughing)
It’s such a strange thing, isn’t it? Oh, I would hate that immediately. Oh, what is this. Kinda at that age where I… I really don’t go out on Thursday anymore. I think if anyone here does still go out on a Thursday I bet you’re under the age on 29. If you’re 29 or older, you’ve had to look at Thursday and be like, look, we’re not who we used to be, okay? I had to change, okay? I had to grow up. I couldn’t live in denial forever. You’re not the weekend. I have to work tomorrow. I’ve always had to work tomorrow. I never said anything because I thought it would kill you. Think Fridays not doing that? You think Fridays not looking at Thursday like, hey Thursday, why don’t you fuck off? You’ll never be one of us. Saturday is just on the other side of Friday like, Yeah! (thump) (thump) (thump) Wednesday is on the other side of Thursday like, come on, let’s just get the fuck outta here. Come on, dude! Come on! He’s got a hump! Huh? He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump, ey, ey! That’s how deep I’m willing to write my material. I’m willing to personify the emotions of the days of the week! Tuesday, we’re doin’ ’em all, we’re in too deep. We’re in too deep. You don’t even know how to feel about Tuesday. I’m Tues…
(laughs)
I’m Tuesday! It’s like, alright, calm down, Tuesday, fuckin’, yeah, you’re goofy, you’re funny. You’re still early in the week, know your place. Monday, ya got a gun to the head. The Eeyore of the days. I can’t even spell my name. Crawlin’ to bed at 7 PM with Netflix and some pills. Don’t act like I’m wrong. (audience laughing) That leaves us with one more day, Sunday! The Lord’s Day. Let’s start this show, here we go. Heavenly Father, above us, beyond us, within us, outside of us, over here, over there, always lookin’ down on us from Heaven. Tryina tickle at us. Get out of here, Jesus! Get out of here! Get out of here! What you doin’, dude? I don’t need to be tickled, I’m happy enough. Lord help us tonight to pray for the homosexuals. Where’s this joke goin’? Is this a joke? Lord help us tonight, to pray for the homosexuals, people so bold, so brazen, they chose a rainbow flag to signify their struggles and their accomplishments. Knowing, full well, that the people who hate them have always hated colors.
(audience laughing)
Did I write that joke for everybody? Obviously, not! I’m not a fucking idiot! I’m not doing jokes like that thinkin’ I’m gonna get a 100% of the room guys. I’m willing to go to those depths. Do I have other stuff? Guys. I got the keyboard out. (keyboard plunking) I got other jokes. It’s not gonna be all that. I write for everybody. You kiddin’ me? Lotta people say it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but I say to myself, I kinda wish it was Steve. I bet he woulda been so dumb to talk to a snake. Am I right, dudes? Where my dudes at? Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! Where my dudes at tonight? Where my dudes at? Women are dumb! It’s right there in the Bible! I mean, hell, Eve. Did you even do a little bit of research? Do the other animals talk? They don’t. Something’s up, girlfriend. That’s a trap! Just one of the snakes is talking? Woah! Woah! Steve wouldn’t have fell for that. Steve would’ve been like, what the hell is that, a talkin’ snake? You git! You git! You git! You git!
(laughing)
You git! You git! You git outta my yard! Steve’s already callin’ his yard. Git outta my yard! Git! Git! You git! Git! And the snake’s not even moving at all. Git! Git! Git outta my yard! You git! Ya git! Ya git!
(laughs)
You git! You get outta my yard. (laughs) (whip sounds with mouth) Whips woulda been around sooner if it was Steven instead of Eve. You can write that down. (whip sounds with mouth) That’s truth right there. I’m just bringin’ truth in here tonight. You know a lot of people actually don’t know this about early biblical times whips. Uh… I just remembered I used the word cum earlier and you guys are still into the show. Thank you! That probably threw some people off, cool preacher! Cool preacher! I curse! Y’all are sinners, I’m tryina connect with you. I will use the language of the child. I will say fuck. I will say shit. I’ll say pussy. I do not like to say that one. But I will do it. You kinda have to say it. If you say vagina, people immediately think you are either a doctor or a huge pussy. You’re trapped. You’re actually trapped in that scenario. You’re trapped right there. Lot of people don’t know this about early biblical times whips. But they didn’t actually sound like that. (whip sounds with mouth) You see when sound is born, it also has to evolve, it doesn’t know what it’s going to sound like. And a lot of early biblical times whips they actually sound like this. (a variety of strange mouth noises) Show me physical proof that what I’m sayin’ right now is not the truth? (mouth noises) A lot of early biblical times whips sounded like grandpas that didn’t necessarily want to go on a roller coaster. (reluctant roller coaster grandpa sounds)
(audience laughing)
If I were out on the street, just on the sidewalk, smoking a joint, what would happen? Like if a cop came up, what would happen? Right? Right? Nobody answered, because the moment I gave you that scenario, everybody’s brain was like, well, I could see that goin’ one of two ways. I could see that, I could see that cop makin’ you throw that joint out and bein’ like, hey, be on your way. I could also see that same cop just pullin’ out a gun and shootin’ you. I don’t know, we’re in a gray area. It’s sorta a gray area. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what would happen. I feel like based on how a community overall feels about marijuana, is kinda a reflection of like, I think, the intellect of the people. I bet know one here is against pot. Anybody here against pot? What? What? That’s not what the news said. The news said nobody’s doing it anymore. Even if someone was about to say they were against it, they stopped the moment they realized it was just them. You know, I actually am against… Oh, oh, oh. What’s that? No, some nerds back there… Nerds about to say back there that they didn’t like doin’… I’ll do, I’ll do pot. Doesn’t even know the signal. I smoke a little bit of pot, if you know what I mean. Immediate narc give away.
You guys ever do cigarettes? Hmm? It’s always people who have never even smoked pot that are against pot. You know what I mean? People are like, oh, it’s a gateway drugs. Mmm, no it’s not. In fact, the only gateway drug I know of is shitty parenting. You can deny that all you want, that’s the truth. And I tell you what helps you deal with it. A little bit of pot. Oh, it’s an immature drug for high school kids. Yeah, it is, the cool ones, you’re right. Kids that smoke pot in high school get shit on, I think it’s unfair. Those are smart kids. Pot is for adults. And in high school, those kids were smart enough to look around and be like you know what, I think I see where this is going. I’m just go ahead and start kickin’ back now. No need to turn 30 and find out what a real panic attack is. Start pumpin’ the breaks today. The older we get, the more we realize, the world is not at all what we thought it was gonna be when we were kids. When you were a kid, do you remember, you were like, I can’t wait to grow up, I am gonna crush so much pussy. Eight years old. Eight years old I was saying cool shit like that. Yeah. And then one day you woke up as an adult and you were like, what the fuck? What is going on? Still no dragons? It’s 2014, there’s not one dragon uncovered yet. The older we get the more we realize that being an adult is just responsibilities and chores. That’s all it is. And I know some people wanna fight that, they’re like, no, there’s more to being and adult. No! There isn’t! Yes there… No! There’s nothing! It’s just chores. You can’t even call yourself an adult, until the day you accept that being an adult is just doing chores. And it’s fucking depressing. And you say to yourself, I wish there was some sort of drug out there, some kind of medicine. That I could take. That would make me think that all these chores I have to do are video games that I get to live inside of. Doing the dishes. Yes! Nobody likes doing the dishes. Get high. Two hours later you’re like, what’s that? That is a dishwasher? So you do have a dishwasher? No, I couldn’t, I thought it was a second oven, I thought you were rich, so, I just sorta did it manual, yeah, I don’t care I got high. Pretending I was a monster torturing all the dishes down in dirty town. Come here glass, I’m gonna clean you! I don’t wanna get clean! You shut the fuck up! Come here plate, get in the waterfall bath! No-o-o-o!
(laughs)
I’ll do that for two hours. I’ll get down dishes that we didn’t even use, just to keep the fun going. My wife’s coming in the kitchen, why’s the ladle down. I though it’d be a fun character! How ’bout you grow up! I’m the ladle!
(laughs)
I’m the ladle! How often do you really eat soup, you know? I’m rarely used! Take up a lot of space in the cabinet. Hey Rory, I’m the ladle. What did you guys picture? Tiny legs, kinda comin’ off the… Get high and go grocery shopping. Nobody likes grocery shopping. Nobody likes it. And you’re going to buy food that you want to eat later. That’s how lazy we’ve become as people. We’re like, I don’t even want to have to provide for myself. Can’t the food just be in my stomach? Get high and go grocery shopping, it will quickly become the most expensive scavenger hunt you ever been on in your entire…you’ve got your list of 15 items. Oh, I gotta find this list of 15 food items. Good luck finding them inside this giant room filled with tons of other food items. Oh my God, the excitement, when you’re fucking high and you’re like, Sarah, I got it! Sarah! I got this, Sarah! When you’re sober you don’t even give a shit. You’re like, oh, here’s syrup what’s next on the this? Not when you’re high. You want your friends you’re with. Rebecca! No, I tasted it, it’s syrup. I don’t know if you’re like me or not but when you…when I go grocery shopping it doesn’t matter if I’m sober or high, I always forget that there’s signs above the aisles telling me what’s in the aisles. I forget it all the time. Doesn’t matter. And I think a lot of us do that. And I think a lot of us have a similar method where you don’t just like, you just, you know, you take like two steps into the aisles, hold on, I wanna make sure that siren gets in here, that’s gonna be good b-roll. Mike, it’s me 10-4, we got another over turned horse carriage gun fight. Some people’ve taken history too far! The horses are revolting! Having to learn that much about slavery while living it out! Ah, the experience and the education simultaneously! Their heads are exploded! (laughs) Now come on, let’s get back to that grocery store bit that was kind of a B minus to start. I forget, and I do, I think all of us do. You don’t wanna fully commit to an aisle. You can’t just be running up and down the aisles. You don’t have all the time in the world. You take two steps into the aisle, so you can kinda analyze the aisle. Like a detective who’s just went into a room to look around quickly. Analyzing the food as you look down the aisle. Is the food I’m looking for, would it live next to this food? What’s that down there, jams and jellies? I don’t see rice living next to jams and jellies. Not after what happened.
You guys ever have to use the bathroom at the grocery store? Sure, why would anyone answer that question. All the time! All the time! Literally, all the time! I know you’re out there, I know you’ve had to use the bathroom. At the grocery store. We all know the deal, when you’re public, and you’re in a public place, and you need to use the restroom. We all know the deal, put ’em in the corners. I’ll find ’em. The grocery store is like, nah. We don’t really roll like that around here. We like to put our bathrooms on the other side of these kinda too heavy double doors. You don’t even know if you’re allowed to go around or not. It could say employees only, and it easily could, but they don’t. You pass it, you’re like, am I allowed to, what if…creepy meets Rocky just fuckin’… You don’t know what you’re gonna see. I’m lookin’ for the bathrooms. Hey Rock. You can’t just go back there. You gotta go up to some 16 year old kid re-stocking the soup, as an adult, and ask for permission to use the bathroom. And they always act like they don’t even know if they have bathrooms or not. Hey man, can I just go back through those doors and use the bathroom? Ooh, oh. You know what, um, let me go get Matt. Let me go get Matt, who… I have to shit, bro! I have to shit! If I have to piss I’d go outside like an adult. I have to shit! And I don’t have enough time to make it home to do it. If I did, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I would abort this mission, I would be singing to myself in the car. Any song, I don’t even have to know it. I’m just so happy to shit in my house. You think I wanna talk to you? I have three minutes til this happens! My brain just let me in on that little piece of information. Hey, pal, you’re not really interested in e-mails from your colon, but this is about to happen. So, consider a solution at some point. You’re about to shit yourself. I don’t have time for fuckin’ Matt. You’ve seen those people at the at the grocery store that realize they have to take a shit. But they have enough time to make it home. You haven’t seen them, but you have turned down the aisle at a grocery store, and saw a cart just filled with food. Nobody’s around. What do you think in those moments? Hello? Was there an abduction here? Was there some sort of an abduction that happened? Is this a bargain bin?
Never assume anything is a bargain bin. If I’ve learned anything as an adult. You don’t wanna be rifling through groceries some dude walks back up to his cart. Hey, bro, what’re you doing with my groceries? Oh, my god! OH, my God! I’m having like the laziest day today. I’m so lazy today. The one thing I love about I’ve done like limited things where there’s been a camera to shoot this. And what I learned about it, is that with the editing process, you can just take twenty minute breaks of absolute silence. This is the comic who just experience sudden paralysis. But wanted to finish the show. Ah, shit. Ah, any couples here, raise your hands. Any couples? Raise your hand. Any couples, I don’t see anybody. Let’s edit that out. This is my impression of a guy who constantly forgets that there’s a keyboard in front of him. Kidding! That’s a stupid impression. This is my impression of a guy who lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, as we’ve all done before. Very relatable material tonight. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby. Oh. Okay. That is piano. Okay, so that is a piano. Okay. Not even joking, forget it was there for a second. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, and he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby and now he’s just trying to fucking get through it. (very plucky piano music) This is a 40 minute joke. I know right now, some people are saying, there’s no way, like someone would notice this. How long are you in a fucking hotel lobby? Eight seconds? Elevator to the door. YOu’re not listening. You tell me you are certain that this isn’t a real song. (piano) You’re certain? You’re certain? Thank you. Everyone who applauded you’re exactly right. Oh, I wish I would brought my water over here. Oh, Scott, I’m gonna say I wish I brought my water over here and then I’ll go get it and then let’s just cut to it there. (laughs) Can we do that? I’m like asking for permission. Scott? Is that allowed? Ah, shit. Ah, shit! I wish I woulda brought my water over here! Ah! And then right here I wanna cut away to the making of this joke, where this happened. Ah, shit. Rory didn’t know what he was gonna do in the middle of that joke.
(audience laughing)
Oh! Oh, look at that! Oh! Oh! Let it be noted for the record I cut myself during the bit, I will continue. The show. Ah, it hurts so bad! Ah, it hurts so fuckin’ bad! Just so every woman knows, when a man even gets hurt slightly, on the outside, we’re like, yeah we’re fine, on the inside we are like Oh, God! No! No! No, God it hurts! It fuckin’ hurts! (piano pluck) I should get rid of that somehow. Does anyone have a napkin? Does anybody have a band-aide? I have to! I have to, it’s a tape-in. No! When will it get easier? I thought you liked the Adam and Eve bit? I was on mushrooms when I wrote it. You did half the work. Alright, alright. I do need a napkin though. I don’t need a band-aide I was just kiddin’. Oh, is it already ready to go? I mean, I don’t need a fuckin’ band-aide, dude. Am I some fuckin’ some kinda pussy dude? I’ll use it cause you brought it up here. I feel like this is a great way to try to discovery the biggest comedy nerd in the country. Whoever points out this continuity slip. Between tonight and tomorrow’s show. Look, no, go back. Look, no band-aide. Let us all be reminded of what I had to go through tonight. This is my Vietnam. This is my Vietnam. Do you guys know Brian Eno? Do you listen to Brian Eno music? If you don’t know who Brian Eno is he does a lot of stuff in music. But one of the things he does also… what kind of a wording is that to even… Imagine that you’re at a Brian Eno concert. Doing ambient music, he’s making ambient music. And he fucking loves it. Just really picture it. Here we go, here we go, Alright, here we go. Everybody, here we go, come on, everybody! Everybody do it! Here we go! Clap! One, two, one, two, three, four! (audience claps) He’s miming the wrong instrument. Alright, alright, alright, alright. I’m not even joking, my grandmother wrote that joke for me. I was like, I don’t have that kind of energy to run around. She was like, do it! Do the Eno bit! It’s now been, three weeks at the hotel. Nobody has said a word to the guy, and his confidence is through the roof. (piano plunking) Little kids have like circled around him like… Why do piano players have to fucking do this? Like, we get it, you’re great at piano. No, no, no, I’m actually a little better than you’re picturing. (disharmonious plunking on keyboard) I don’t know where the chords are! I do! There’s no ending to this joke. There never was. There never was. This is This is my impression of a detective who’s been following a guy. And when he sees him, he looks at him way too long.
Heads up, I’m also not that excited about this premises. Yeah, I’ve been livin’ in my fuckin’ van. I’ve been livin’ in my van. For four months lookin’ for this dude. Yeah, I’ve looked at his profile, backwards and forwards, okay? I fuckin’, I wanna put this thing to bed. I’m goin’ crazy out here. I mean shit food, I’m not sleepin’, I’m talkin’ to myself again. I wanna put this thing to sleep, man. I wanna see my family. I haven’t seen my family in four months. I have kids, do you know that? (oozing, hypnotic drone on keyboard) The guy’s just running around a track. Don’t act like I didn’t tell you exactly what was gonna happen. Don’t be like, disappointed. No! This is all it is! (hypnotic droning on keyboard) Shit!
Uhhh, 9/11. In Europe, do they say 11/9, you know, they do, and I think it’s disrespectful. Give us that one day, you know what I mean? I always like to do that one 9/11 joke to kind of gauge if it’s worth doing the others. I’ll tell you what, tonight, it is. I know some people get nervous about a 9/11 joke. You better not, you better not have a 9/11 joke. Why not? What if it’s fucking funny enough it stays in the fuckin’ final edit of this special. And a terrorist sees me doing it. Just watching TV, like, what the fuck. What is this? Are you watching this? They’re just laughing about this shit. It’s like why even do it at all. Two things about me: One, I will often times pray for the well-being of Stephen King, I will entertain no questions as to why. Another thing about me, sometimes I’ll sit around just wonder to myself what’s the next Chris Angel magic trick, what’s he up to? You know what I mean? Chris Angel, what else is there to prove, we get it, you’re the And One Tour of Magic. We get it! I do magic, but I do it in the street. Okay, Chris. Okay. What else is there to even possibly need to prove. I fantasize about it. I picture Chris Angel, just in Manhattan, every single news station for every country in the world is there. Wondering, what is the next Chris Angel magic trick? He reaches for a curtain that you didn’t even notice, pulls it down, and the World Trade Center is still there. Is it Adam, what? Kind of a weird reaction. I just gave you a scenario where 9/11 didn’t happen. I like how it ended, leave it! I’m talking about joy, happiness. People living, coming out of the woodwork, I thought you were dead! No, I was in on it. I was in on the Chris Angel magic trick. I was livin’ in the warehouse, he was feedin’ cheeseburgers. I know it’s gonna seem like a joke, and I’m just referencing back to something I said earlier, but I’m not joking. My grandmother did write that joke. Wouldn’t you love to know if that were the truth? Got a show tonight? Gonna do the 9/11 thing? I don’t like those jokes! Well I do! You guys give a round of applause for Adam McFarland for being here tonight. Now that the energy is up a little bit, let’s do that third and final 9/11 joke. I sometimes wonder to myself how our country would’ve reacted, had Mexicans flown those planes, into those buildings. I know what I fuckin’ said! Everyone… I know what I fuckin’ said! I’m not crazy. Jesus! Think about your genuine reaction. Sadness, anger, yes, you’re a human being, naturally. But then than third emotion floods in, vengeance, you didn’t even know how much you’d want vengeance. And then you look up. And you see all that candy, falling from the sky.
(dramatic piano music)
I can’t stay mad forever, Mexico! Now and Laters? C’mon! I can’t even remember the last time I had these! This is must be the Later that they’re talkin’ about. I guess this is the Later. Right? You guys give another round for Adam McFarland, thank you so much for being here tonight. Play, play your own little exit number, and as you go to leave, I’ll take over.
(audience clapping)
(disharmonious clunking on keyboard)
Fucking editing nightmare this is going to be. What’d I do for 30 minutes? Did we get anything? We got about five solid minutes? That McDonald’s thing. It is interesting, I think marijuana, I know I was talkin’ about it before, but, I just wanna leave on this note. There is a sort of kind of anxiety you can overcome with pot. Like, if you haven’t smoked it, settle down, I know that’s your thing, in you’re head you’re like, No, you smoke it? What? Then what happens? You laugh? You just laugh about stuff? You laugh about anything? Everything becomes funny? Even things that aren’t funny you just find a way to smile at it? What kind of a fuckin’ life is that? What’ll it do to my appetite? I’ll just eat vegetables? Produce? I’ll finally commit? Because I’ll just be eating a bowl of ocra thinking for a second that it might be an ice cream sundae? Because, I’m not looking at it as I eat it, as we seldom to. We seldom eat the ocra, we eat the… I don’t know what I was gonna say. I feel like I should change the title of the show. We Seldom Look at the Ocra We Eat. The Sequel to, August: Osage County. But do we even look at the ocra? There’s one situation that I haven’t been able to alleviate the stress for with pot or anything. And that’s when it’s a problem in most cities. I think it is here because of the… I know, historically, someone was like, you know what, let’s go shit-ton of one way streets! Trust me! And everyone was like, I’m voting for that dude! I like it! I like that plan! One way streets, that’s fuckin’ genius! There’s a problem in LA with the with left turn green arrows. I think, I think you know, a lot of us can relate to this. You know when there’s a, you pull up to a light, and there’s a left turn green arrow, you get excited, you don’t even have to stay in the same lane as all the fuckin’ pieces of shit who are just goin’ straight. That left turn arrow is like, hey you goin’ left? Dude, get over here. You got your own lane, man. Line it up here, little VIP room for the lefters. It feels good. It feels good if you’re at the front of that line. If you are third in that line, there is no drug that can alleviate the insanity that you go to, in that minute, or whatever it is, when you’re third, you’re looking at it, or whatever it is, Jesus Christ, does that first car know the deal? Well, you’re fourth, you definitely won’t make it.
And I say that, because those left turn green arrows, for whatever reason, they only last for point five seconds. Sir, how long should these last? I’ve seen 20 cars get through in point five, let’s make it point three. You lose it, when you’re third in line, looking at that first person, you don’t know. You’re comin’ the fuck on. You don’t go on green. You go right before green. Know the deal. Go right before you think it’s about to be green. Commit. Commit. If you hit a car, I’ll say that it was green. I’ll testify. I’ll show up in court. No, no, I’m pretty sure it was green. You sit there goin’ crazy just lookin’ and then that light turns green and that first car goes and you’re like, yes! Yes! Wave of relief. But then that second car. Just fuckin’ sitting there. And you just go insane. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Fuck, go! Jesus, Go! Go on, Go! Go! You wish you had a gun in the glove compartment just to fire off in your own car. Not to even fire at them, like, I’m crazy, go! You blackout from the anxiety. Fuckin’ wake up, you’ve already taken the left, like geez, what happened… Oh! God! I own a gun! I own a gun! What did I say? Anything racial? That’s not me! That’s the real me. Not the me I want you to know.
The worst is when you pull up to a light that doesn’t even have a left turn green arrow. It’s just…lights. It’s like the city is looking at you like, oh, you, you gotta be somewhere? Why don’t you go fuck yourself? And then there you are, stuck behind someone who doesn’t even have the balls to just get into the intersection. You’re just sitting, the light turns green, and you’re like, come on, go. Go, get it, come on, get out there. Get in that intersection, we can both just be out there. You be out there all the way I’ll be like that. Half way. That way when the light turns yellow it’s like I don’t know officer I kinda had to go! Kinda had to go. You’re inching up on their bumper, hoping they’ll look in the rearview mirror, like okay, that car is awfully close! Why do you think? Why do you think I’m this close? One reason. Let’s go! When it’s me, when I’m first in line, and that light turns green, I gun it into the intersection, and slam on my breaks. I establish myself as a person in the intersection. I go. I go, here I am! Here I am! Everybody get on my ass, we’re all makin’ this. We’re all making this! I care about other people. I care about your schedules. Get on my ass. I get so far out there, I can’t even go left, I’ve now gone through the intersection. I have to do a U-turn and make a right. I’m a born leader. Natural, born leader. Have you seen those cars? When you’re at a green light, and you’re just going straight, and someone across the intersection, the light turns green, and they just turn left. In front of everybody. Have you ever noticed. You never get upset about that? For a second, you’re like, hey! Then you’re like, oh, woah, woah! Holy shit, holy shit! The balls! That’s America! That’s America! You got get it! You go get it!
You guys thank you very much, for being here tonight, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.
(rock music)
(applause)
♫ I saw you up there, ♫ Knew you were the one ♫ Just how bad I remember ♫ When morning comes ♫ South Carolina had a baby ♫ That she threw in a microwave ♫ In California Mother Nature ♫ Likes to shake up the landscape ♫ Fly Trans-Atlantic International ♫ A meteor rising ♫ But never come home ♫ Head out the window ♫ Head made of stone ♫ Meteor, meteor, look into my eyes ♫ And see the meteor, meteor, meteor ♫ look into my eyes and see the ♫ Meteor, meteor, meteor ♫ Come home ♫
