One time my daughter asked me, “What happens when you die?” And I was like, “I don’t know.” And neither does anyone else. And anyone who tells you they know is lying to you. My wife was like, “Hey, why don’t we pull it back a little bit? Let’s pull it back.” “Oh, I’m sorry, babe. I was trying to create a core memory right now. I’m trying to parent. Trying to parent.” Could you imagine still going to church? It’s not even a joke. That’s not even a joke. That got an applause that… somebody like, I cannot imagine that. That what you’re asking me as a member of the audience is impossible. That’s crazy talk. I know, yes, there’s some people here who still go to church. I’m not asking you to imagine it. I’m asking the other people who at some point in their young adult life took a step back and they were just like, “It’s a scam, right?” Like, it’s… But you do go out of fear because when you’re a kid, they’re like, “If you don’t go, you don’t even want to fucking know.” And as a kid where you believe everything adults tell you, you’re like, “I I will go then.” They’re good. Cuz if you question it, you also get you fucked… you’re fucked. If you even question it, you’re fucked. Not worth it. Not worth you. An hour a week. An hour a week.
If you think Jesus was white, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on gun control. Also, some people in the crowd are like, “But Jesus was white and you’re doing the best.”
Remember you’re a kid, like your parents be like, “All right, we got to get ready for church, dress up.” Even as a kid, you were like, “Why does that matter?” It does. And you’ll see it when you get to heaven. You’re at the gates. God’s like, “What’d you fucking wear most of the time? Do you look like shit? Do you look like trash shit on garbage?” Also, why doesn’t God already know? “I want to hear you say it. I want to hear you say what you wore most of the time!” Second question, were you compassionate towards others? No, I’m kidding. This is Christian heaven. If that mattered, I’d be by myself up here. And Christians usually hate that part of the truth.
The Pope’s closed. That’s not a red flag. That hat. Hey y’all, hold up. I forgot to put my hat on. All right. Do I look like God’s best friend or not? All the cardinals are like, “Yay! Yes, yes you do.”
A lot of people say it’s uh Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. And I say to myself, I kind of wish it was Steve. I bet he would have been so dumb to talk to a snake. Women are dumb. It’s right there in the Bible. I mean, hell, Eve, do the other animals talk? They don’t. Something’s up, girlfriend. That’s a trap. Steve wouldn’t have fell for that. Steve would have been like, “What the hell is that? A talking snake? You can’t! you can’t! you can’t! you can’t! you can’t! you get out of my yard!” Steve’s already calling the Garden of Eden his yard. Get out of my yard.
I saw a bumper sticker on a woman’s car. It said, “First God created man. Then he had a better idea.” Oh, did he? Did he? Did he? Did he? You dumb fuck! You were so close.
And if you think God is a man, that means you think God has a dick and balls and shredded abs. Always. I don’t know why, but always. The only reason you even think that God is a man is because of all the paintings you’ve seen in history. The audacity to paint God, but also the vulnerability to paint God hot. Wow. The moment you finish that painting, like what do you think? Like, who is it? It’s God. They’re like, “Do you want to f*ck God?” Like, what? What are you talking about? Other religions don’t have that. You seen Buddha? Nobody’s fucking Buddha. All right, that’s a newer joke. Never do that at a special.
I-I’ve gone to church uh thousands of times. I’ve done mushrooms maybe 30. Which of those do you think? And if you get it wrong, you have to kill yourself. Which of those do you think I talk to God the most? And if you get it wrong, you have to kill yourself.
[audience] Mushrooms!
Yes, mushrooms. Very good. Front row. Good placement. What I love is the whole place was like, “Well, the answer is mushrooms, right?” She was like, “I actually do know it! I actually got it!” No, she you shut up, babe. You shut up. You’re rhetorical. You’re rhetorical. You are. I don’t know what it means, and I’ll never know. And that’s my promise to myself.
I’m one of those people that doesn’t believe in global warming, but I’m pretty sure Noah’s arc was a true story. You know, where the guy was warning everybody about the insane change in the weather, and everyone’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Noah! Quit hogging all the wood so you can go off and fuck those animals.” Well, that’s what it looks like. That’s what it looks like to us, dude. Looks like you’re building some kind of sex ship out there. If that’s not the case, you need to come down to the pub and you need to give a speech cuz people are talking, dude. People are fucking talking. We don’t know you. We don’t know you. You’re like a thousand. No one else is a thousand.
Have you… Have you ever met someone who’s like, “I’ve read the whole Bible.” Is your first thought, “Oh my god, we should hang out.” The whole Bible? What are you doing tonight? No, I just thought Matthew wrote such a good letter to the Ephesians. And I know there’s plenty of people in here like, “Matthew didn’t write the Ephesians.” Uh, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Also, is that even right, Matthew? Matthew. That time frame, that region. Matthew. Are we fucking dumb or is that right? Hey, what’s up? I’m Matt. Um, one of Jesus’s boys. So, uh, yeah. Me and Peter. Pete. Pety Pete, get out of here, dude. Those poor people of Aphasia. Did they ever write back to him like, “Hey, we’re good. I don’t know why you… I don’t know why you sent us this.” Every day when the mail would come, like, what’ we get? It’s a… It’s another letter from that Matt guy. Why did this start? Who here knows him? Like, knows him knows him. What’s it say? Well, it’s to us from him. It just says, “He unto the moon shall lay in the field with the wife, and then unto thee shall know that the sacrificed lamb’s blood shall fill the field, and then you shall end up sewing the wheat, and unto thee you will know that amongst them they will then go among thee…
