[Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Rob Schneider.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[cheering, clapping]
Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you?
[chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m as interested in cookies.
[audience laughing]
You know what I mean? You know what I mean? “What kind of cookies are those? Could you move your tits? You’re blocking the cookies. Yeah. Cookie underneath that tit. That cookie. Two of those. Thank you very much. Thank you.”
[audience laughing]
People in their 20s, 30s, they don’t get it yet. People in their 20s, 30s are like, [in hype voice] “Let’s get fucked up! You wanna get fucked up? Yeah, let’s get fucked up!” No, I don’t want to get fucked up. I don’t. No. It’s not fun. I’m in my fifties. I only feel good, like, two days a month.
[audience laughing]
Why would I want to fuck up one of those?
[audience laughing]
If I want to get fucked up at my age, I’ll eat some cheese, you know? [audience roars with laughter] [moans] [groans] What kind of cheese was that? Camembert with truffle flakes? All right, it was worth it, but fuck. I’m fucked up now.
[audience laughing]
My wife, for Christmas, got me a gym membership. “Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you.”
[audience laughing]
And I went over there, and, uh, I saw these old guys. They were working out, and, uh, they were ripped. But it looks weird, you know. So, I don’t wanna get ripped. I just don’t want to look like a complete piece of shit, you know. That’s the goal. Give me that personal trainer, the “not complete piece of shit” personal trainer. So, I’m looking at these old guys, and they’re ripped, you know. But it looked weird. Something was off. I was like, “Is it the ripped thing?” Then I figured it out. You’re not supposed to be ripped when you’re old, ’cause your skin gets stretched too thin. It’s like, “Look how ripped I am!” Yeah, but I can see your heart.
[audience roars with laughter]
Put on a shirt. You’re grossing me out.
But, um… my favorite part of being married is my wife deciding what I don’t need anymore. [in Mexican accent] “This doesn’t fit. This looks like shit. Can’t wear this.” She’s not Mexican. It’s just more fun to do that voice. [chuckles] It’s more fun. She could be Mexican. I’m not sure. I just… I have my suspicions. I’m not 100% sure. “You don’t wear this anymore. This doesn’t fit anymore.” My wife threw away all my sweatpants. Threw it away. I said, “Why’d you throw away my sweatpants?” [in Mexican accent] “Because sweatpants, they lie to you! They are liars, the sweatpants. You don’t know how fat you’re getting. You don’t know till one day, both the strings just disappear.
[audience laughing]
Then you are a fat fuck! Then it’s too late! I throw them away!” [chuckling] She’s right, though. Let me tell you. If you’re in your 50s, and you’re a guy, it’s dangerous, wearing sweatpants. It is. It’s dangerous. ‘Cause it’s way too easy to just whip out your dick. [audience laughing] [chuckles] I found myself whipping out my dick. I wasn’t even halfway to the bathroom. Like… [audience laughing] And then I get distracted by something, like… [audience laughing] Then I hear my wife yelling, “What are you doing with your dick out? You’re not even in the bathroom yet!” I was like, “Hey, I didn’t even realize the Olive Garden had a salad bar.
[audience laughing]
They’ve got a…” [chuckles] But I have my own problems. I have a three-year-old ’cause I’m a fucking idiot.
[audience laughing]
[sighs] [smacks lips] Did not think that one through. I didn’t. I thought it in. I didn’t think it… [audience laughing] I didn’t think it through. She’s super cute. We also have a, uh, seven-year-old, my wife and I, and… She’s a little tough on the [stammers] seven-year-old when she had to go through potty training. She was tough. Very… She said, [in Mexican accent] “We’re going to hold her legs down on the toilet. We’ll close the door, then she won’t be able to get out. She’ll know this is the potty. One day of screaming. We’ll hold her little legs there. Put on your earplugs, whatever the fuck you need to do. We’re screaming.” And it was awful, but she was right. It was one day, you know. But I said, “You know, for the new baby, for the accident, let’s not… [audience laughing] Let’s let the accident decide when she’s ready. Maybe a little less cruel this time. Maybe? Huh?” [chuckles] So we let her decide when it was ready. And, uh… she’s three years old, and, uh… she hasn’t decided she’s ready. She hasn’t. She said to me the other day, “Papi, cámbiame por favor.” I was like, “¿Qué? What?” “Papi, change me, please, Daddy.” I was like, “Well, Madeleine, if you’re smart enough to tell me in two different fucking languages… Um… [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
You’re smart enough to hop your little culo up on that toilet right there, do your business up there. Okay? All right? You know, uh, your diapers are a size seis, seis. Yeah. They don’t make siete. They don’t. You know why? You’re supposed to have this shit figured out by now. Yeah. Un-huh. They don’t make ’em bigger. Don’t know what what to tell you. You don’t figure this out, you’re gonna have to borrow one from Grandma. That’s all I have for you.” You know.
[audience clapping]
Now, my wife loves our kids, and, uh… so she doesn’t let me be in charge of too many things. [chuckles] So, some things, though, by default, um, come to me to make a decision. Okay, so I happen to sleep on the side of the bed right next to the door. And so, like, when my seven-year-old, she wants to come and sleep with us, I have to decide whether she really needs to sleep with us. ‘Cause she comes, you know, to stay. She’s got, like, her little pillow, her rabbit. She’s not coming to say, “Hi. How are you? I thought I’d bring everything. Muah. Go back to bed.” No, she’s there for the whole night! So she comes over, and I look at her, and I go, “What’s up?” She goes, “I need to come sleep with you.” [audience laughing] “Like, um… why? You have your own bed. Why?” “Uh… Had nightmare. So, excuse me. I need to get in. [audience laughing] I need to get in there.” “Okay, no, no. I need more information. Tell me about this nightmare.” “Dinosaurs.
[audience laughing]
Excuse me, I need to be in there.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinosaurs what?” “Chasing me. Chasing me.”
[audience laughing]
“Okay, dinosaurs chasing you. Okay. Okay. Um, not scary enough. Go back to bed now. Come on. Come on.” [audience laughing] It’s not scary enough. They’re not eating your face! Not scary enough to screw up my whole night’s sleep. That’s what it does, screws up my night’s sleep. She doesn’t sleep like an angel, like I do, like this. [hums] She sprawls out. She’s like… I don’t need that shit. [audience laughing] [chuckles]
Now, I have allergies, which means, six o’clock in the morning, I sneeze about 20 times. If I didn’t have a downstairs, I’d be divorced for sure, for sure. This is my third marriage. I don’t wanna get divorced again, okay? I live in Hollywood, so that’s, like, one, you know, but… I gotta make this marriage work… ’cause I really like my house.
[audience laughing]
Know what I’m saying? It’s a nice house. It’s got heated bathroom floors. “Fuck, that feels good. Shit. [woman whoos] I don’t wanna have to lose this. Fuck! Guess I better figure out what that crazy wife is talking about. [chuckles] What’s that, honey? Yeah! Let’s look at all the schools.” [giggling] But anyway, so I go downstairs, and I’m sneezing. I go downstairs to sneeze. I go, “Achoo, achoo, achoo…” I was like… My wife’s like, “I still fucking hear you!”
[audience laughing]
But… And I came back– I come back upstairs, and Miranda, our seven-year-old, is asleep already in my side of the bed… “I don’t wanna deal with this right now. Forget it. I’ll find someplace else to sleep, okay?” So I go to another part of the house I’ve never even been before. You know? “Fuck, there’s a room over here. I didn’t know this. There’s a whole other wing.” So… [chuckles] and so, I open up a door, you know, and my wife beat me to it. She’s already asleep in the bed. I go, “Whatever,” you know. So I get into bed with her. And, like, when you’re in your 50s, you can’t just fall back right to sleep. You know, it’s like… it takes a little while. So whenever I’m in bed with my wife, and I can’t sleep, I just start, you know, grabbing a little bit. Just a little bit. -A little grab, you know. -[man] Yeah, bud! I’m hoping one day, she might go, “Oh, you know, that’s a good idea.” [chuckles] You know? It hasn’t happened yet, but you gotta put it out there. You know what I mean? You gotta try. You put it out. Anyway, so I’m grabbing a little bit, and I noticed, it feels… a little softer than what I’m used to. A little bit. But I’m not gonna judge. Maybe she took a hot bath. I don’t know, whatever. But her breasts also felt similarly off, you know. Then I thought to myself, “You know, there’s a chance this is not my wife.”
[audience roars with laughter]
So I got out of bed, [chuckles] and I ran back to the bedroom, and I saw my wife in there, asleep in a chair. And I said, “Honey, wake up.” She goes, “What is it?” I said, “Honey, I think I may have molested your mother.”
[audience whoos, laughs]
So… [chuckles] She pushed right by me. She just went, “Mom, why didn’t you say anything?” And her mom says, “You know I don’t talk to that idiot!”
[audience laughing]
So… whatever… I’ll tell you about myself more. I’m, uh, I’m Asian. My mom’s Filipino. And, uh, that’s usually where one person, Filipino, in the crowd goes, “Whew!” [chuckles] But anyway… But not this time. I’m a mixed-race person. In this age of diversity, you know, they want to hire… “Let’s have Asian people. Let’s have Black people. Let’s have women. Diversity.” So I’m Asian, but I’m not Asian enough where it can help me these days. -[audience laughing] -It’s like, “Fuck!” I’m, like, Rob Schneider. I’m not, like, Rob Akabonaito, you know. Fuck! I’m part Asian. I know you’ve been looking at me, thinking, “I know there’s something in there. What the hell is it? What is in there, exactly?” It’s tough. I have an Asian mother. I don’t recommend it. I don’t. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They’re tough. It was very tough for me. I didn’t get that treatment when I was a kid, “You’re so good. Have a great time. You’re so smart. You’re so good. You can be anything you want.” I got A’s and B’s in school. “Mom, I got straight A’s.” She goes, “So what? That’s your job, to get straight A’s. You’re smart, not an idiot. Come on. Huh? What do you want, a cookie? You want a cookie for that? Huh? Huh? That’s your job. What’s expected of you. You want something extra, do something extra. Huh.
[audience laughing]
You do your job. You don’t hear me going, ‘I cooked and cleaned all day. What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get?’ No. You do your job, I do my job. Huh. We keep this relationship nice and cold. That’s it, okay?” [audience laughing] And it was. The thing I remember most about my childhood is my mom yelling at me. Whether it was to protect me or whatever, she was like, “See what happens, huh? You fell down. See what happens, huh? No running in the house. See what happens, huh? You hurt yourself. See what happens, huh? You broke that. See what happens? No roughhousing. See what happens? Huh? You knocked that over. See what happens?”
[audience laughing]
One time, we were playing basketball three miles away from the house. Somebody twisted an ankle. All of a sudden, “See what happens?”
[audience laughing]
“Dude, that’s your mom on a mountain over there.” “See what happens?” I grew up in San Francisco. My first job was Chang and Chow’s 76 station, gas station, yeah. They used to pay us on Saturday. This is before we had banks open on Saturday. Cash. They’d pay us cash on Saturdays. And then they’d take us out to Chinese food, give us a couple of beers, play poker. They’d win all our fucking money back. -[chuckling] -[audience laughing] I did that for two weeks, then I go, “I’m not fucking doing that again. They took all our money, Bob, for cheap fucking Chinese food!” [chuckles] Here’s the thing. Uh… the Chinese have been communist for 71 years so far and counting, but they’ve been capitalists for 2,000 fucking years. Okay? That’s right. You want to get Chinese food after the show? We’ll find a place. Even if they’re closed, it’s like… [in Chinese accent] “Oh, I sorry, we’re closed.” “I got 500 people.” “Oh, okay, we’re fucking open. Come on in. We just offer the midnight special. We have a midnight special.
[audience laughing]
That’s right. My dad was Jewish. We know we can get Chinese food on Christmas, ’cause the Chinese, they don’t give a fuck about any holiday. [in Chinese accent] “We’re open Christmas. Come! Yeah, all day long. Come on down. No, fuck Jesus! Come on down. We’re open. Oh, yeah. ‘Cause he born that day, we go broke? Fuck that, no way. No way. The fish in the tank, they don’t know what day it is. They don’t. Just another Tuesday for them. President assassinated? Two-for-one buffet today. Two-for-one, president assassination special. 9/11? Come on, you got choice. Nine different kind of meat, 11 kind of noodles. It’s a 9/11 special.
[audience laughing]
I know it’s sad. We cry. We cry. It’s sad. Then we get hungry! Then we got egg foo yung, pork fried rice, got the lo mein noodle, panfried noodle, seared noodle. And then we’ve got, of course, the wonton noodle, the wonton noodle. [Speaking Chinese] Yeah, okay. We’ve got one more order, beef with the oyster sauce. We’ve got one more order. Beef with the oyster sauce.” That’s not racist, that’s accurate. That is accurate, very. [audience cheering, clapping] No. You gotta understand. You know how hard it is for you to speak Chinese? That’s how hard it is for Chinese people to speak English. It gets stuck in the back of the throat, they gotta get it out. [in Chinese accent] “Beef with oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster!” [audience roars with laughter] You know what you never see in America? Homeless Asian people.
[audience cheering]
You don’t see that shit. [man] Let’s go! Asian people like, [in Chinese accent] “No, fuck that. No way.” We figure out something else. No, we’ll work on a part of the body nobody wants to go near, like the toenails. We do the whole toenail. We’ll do the toenail. We scrape that shit off the back. [audience laughing] No, no, no. No, we’ll wax your anus from the front. We’ll just get in there. We’ll just get in there. Get in there. [puffs in mic] We’ll bleach your asshole. Sure, why not? Come on. You’re already here. Why not bleach your asshole? Sure, another $25. We’ll massage you, jerk you off, take your white devil money somehow. Oh, come on already! Oh! Oh! When you go, go the other way. Come on. It’s humiliating for me, too. Come on. All right.” My favorite though, are the Koreans, another hard-working group of people. Koreans, hard-working. Except with the Korean barbecue. I gotta say, it’s a little lazy in there. A bit. You go to a Korean barbecue, [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome. Be very careful, hot coal. Very hot. Ow, hot. Hot coal. Hot. Careful, hot coal. Hot.” “Okay, I get it. Hot coal, I get it. So how does this shit work?” [in Korean accent] “Okay. Here’s the raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mi–” “What do I do with it?” “Oh, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.”
[audience laughing]
“Hey, I’m paying you to go out to eat. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [in Korean accent] “No, no, no, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] Seems kind of lazy, huh? I’d hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. [audience roars with laughter] [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean whorehouse. Come on in! This is the room. You suck your own dick. Yeah, yeah, you suck it! You suck it! You suck it! Then come over this room. You fuck yourself hard, this room. Oh, huh-huh! You get your money’s worth, this room. Oh! Oh! Then you come over here, you take a shower, then get the fuck out. Why you stay here so long? We have other customer.” [audience laughing] Takeru Saito, ladies and gentlemen. [audience cheering, clapping] Wanna play a little something, buddy? [soft piano playing] Well, I’m glad, as a society, men have finally had their reckoning with their horrible behavior. Some things were conveniently forgotten during this whole episode, conveniently forgotten about men and their behavior. It’s that men are… -pigs, you know. -[audience laughing] I should say men have pig potential. Pig potential. I’m a guy. I have pig potential. If my wife said to me, “Hey, you can make out with my best friend,” I wouldn’t do it, but I’d probably ask, “Which one?”
[audience laughing]
I’m not Jesus. I have pig potential. I’ve been to Starbucks. I’ve looked down at the end of the line. I’ve seen a nice-looking girl with exposed cleavage, thought to myself, “You know, probably feel pretty good to go over there and go…” Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. But I don’t do it. ‘Cause you know what in my head feels better? To be able to order a cappuccino without having to register as a fucking sex offender. [audience laughing] -“Cappuccino, Rob, sex offender.” -“Yeah, right here. Thank you.” All men have pig potential. I’m gonna sell out every guy in the room. Sorry, I’m gonna do it. Ladies, the guy you’re with now, I don’t care if you’ve been married one year, five years, ten years, 20 years. I don’t care if you got kids, grandkids. The first time the person you’re hoping to spend the rest your life with, the first time he went out with you, first time, first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That’s all he wanted, all he wanted it. If he could’ve just had sex and went home, it would’ve been the greatest fucking night ever. Sorry. Don’t get me wrong, ladies. He loves you now for you, ’cause you’re amazing. You are! You changed him. You did! You did! You’re incredible. But the first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That was it. That’s all he wanted. I’m sorry, guys are looking… for sex. And if a relationship happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it, okay?
[audience laughing]
It’s not what they want. They just end up in it, they don’t even know how it happened. [audience laughing] “What? You want to get something to eat first? Yeah, I’ll eat something, yeah. Sure. At your parents’ house, really? Oh. Hmm, okay, yeah. Are you hanging your shit up in my closet? Is that what you’re doing? Good, hang it up. I don’t want it to wrinkle. Don’t want– I think I’m in this fucking thing. What the hell happened? I thought I was just fucking her.” Conversely, women are looking for a relationship. And if sex happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it. [audience roars with laughter] “Oh, God, there it is. Oh, my God. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, my God. Hey. What’s that? What? Turn around? Oh, it’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. What? Look at you? I am looking at you. I’m looking at you. I am looking at you. I am looking… Oh, that was disgusting! Oh, my God!”
[audience laughing]
[chuckling] There are women that are the exception. “Where’s the dick?” Those are the women I’m looking for, but they’re gone early. Gotta get there by 8:00 in the morning. “Girls that like dick? Oh, they’re gone. Fuck. Shit. Missed… missed it again.” [chuckles] Un… [chuckling] But, um… very early in the relationship, guys have to do emotional math. They say, like, “Okay, I’m really crazy attracted to her. I just can’t stand not being with her. But… how much work is this really fucking gonna be? [audience laughing] Is she showing me, like, the real crazy, or is there another crazy, crazy? [high-pitched voice] “Where the fuck were you? I saw your phone! Who are you fucking in Park City?” Or wherever. When is that gonna come out? Has she been lying to me this whole fucking time? ‘Cause I’ve been lying to her this whole fucking time. I have no idea who I am.” [audience laughing] And then they jump in. They make the commitment. You know, and they do that by how crazy attracted they are to you. That’s it, you know? Guys are not complicated. They just wanna be with a woman that drives them crazy, that they just have to be with, that they’re crazy attracted to. You know, beauty has its place. People tell me all the time, “Hey, Rob, your wife’s way too beautiful for you.” It’s like, “Well, you know, [chuckles] that’s what I was going for.” [chuckles] You know. I like those. [audience laughing] Beauty has its place. It does. People like to hear that. “Oh, what a beautiful child! Beautiful.” People like to hear that. “Beautiful child! Beautiful.” They don’t like to hear, “Ooh.
[audience laughing]
What happened? Was there a fire? Are you gonna keep it? You should keep it. Keep her for a little while.” [audience laughing] And then a guy jumps in that relationship. Now, here’s an interesting thing about guys, it’s that guys work proportionately in a relationship depending on how attracted they are to you. If a guy’s with a woman that he feels is about the same level of attractiveness as he is, he’ll have a certain amount of devotion, time, effort, care in the relationship. However, weird thing is, if a guy’s with a woman that he knows is way out of his league, he will work harder. Say a guy’s going out with a Victoria’s Secret model. The guy’s like, “What’s that, honey? What? What? Tell me. You can’t find your car keys? Well! [chuckling] Let’s just go buy another car! Yeah, [chuckles] I’ll fill out all that shit! Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Seriously. I’ll get a second job to pay for it. I don’t need sleep. You married a strong guy.” [audience laughing] If it’s a guy who feels he’s the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? What? You can’t find your car keys? Well, looks like you’re gonna have to walk, bitch. I mean… [audience roars with laughter] I am helping you! Maybe on your walk home, you figure out where you left your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” If it’s a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that, honey? What? Tell me. You left the kids at the mall? -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] We can have more kids! Sure, we can. It’ll be fun!” If it’s a guy who feels the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? You left the kids at the mall? -That was fucking dumb, wasn’t it? –
[audience laughing]
Well, yeah, they’re with me right now. They’re not gonna call the parent that fucking left them there. That would make them dumb. They found your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” [audience laughing] If it was a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that? What’s that, honey? You killed my mother? Well, she’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience laughing] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] If it’s a guy who feels about the same level of attractiveness as his wife, “What’s that, honey? You what? You killed my mother? She’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience roars with laughter] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] [audience whooing, clapping] [chuckles] Thank you. Look, I’ll be honest with you. My wife’s wanted to divorce me. We’ve been together for ten years. She’s wanted to divorce me every three months for ten years.
[audience laughing]
It’s gonna happen again in two weeks. I know it. I’m used to it. I can deal with it. Hey, I’m too old to quit. I am. It’s tough when you marry somebody younger than you ’cause they still have… hope. -[audience laughing] -You know? That’s tough to squeeze out. After, uh… two years of being married, my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “It’s not getting better. You said it’s gonna get better, but it’s no mejor. No mejor. It’s no better. Why am I hanging in there for, huh? Losing more of my youth, my youth, my youth. Bye-bye, youth. Bye.” I was like, “Well, honey, you gotta get over the hump.” The hump is, like, three years. Get over the hump, then go, ‘Thank God we hung in there.’ ‘Cause you’re over the hump, huh?” After three years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we’re over the hump. But it’s no better, no mejor. Why am I hanging in there, losing more of my youth, youth, youth, youth, youth?” “Honey, I didn’t really tell you. What I really meant was, like, five years. That’s when you have a history together. Five years. [puffs] Thank God I didn’t quit, you know?” After five years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we got a history. Huh. But it’s not a good history. It’s no mejor. It’s no mejor. Why am I hanging in there? More of my youth. Bye-bye, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth.” I had to just tell her, “Look, honey, it’s easy to quit. You can quit right now. I can’t stop you. You can find another guy, easy. You’re beautiful, brilliant, incredible. You’re youthful. Your youth. You’ve got your youth. You’d find another guy like that. You’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with me, then you get bored again. ‘When’s it gonna get better? My youth! My youth! Blah, blah’ Then you leave that guy. You could find another guy, easy. You’re brilliant, beautiful, incredible. You’ll find another guy like that. Then you’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with him, that you had with me. Or you could realize that all these problems that you have have nothing to fucking do with me!
[audience laughing]
Figure it out! I can make you happier. I can’t make you happy. You’re responsible for your own feliz. Maybe you don’t realize, that I am your Prince Charming. All right? Maybe you didn’t realize Prince Charming is gonna look like me, be as old as me and as short as me, but I am your Prince Charming.” I haven’t told her that last part yet, but I’m this fucking close. Know what I’m saying? -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] When I say it’s up to each of us to find our own, to be happy, the “er” part is on us, guys. It really is. The “er” part. And don’t make them “un,” unhappy. Make them happier, you know. Read a woman, you know? Listen to what she says. Don’t do what she says, ’cause she doesn’t mean that, but figure out what the fuck she really is saying. ‘Cause women speak in code, and it’s up to us to kind of figure out… the code for what’s healthiest in the relationship. Like when my wife says to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m gonna go downstairs and get some water.” What she’s really saying is, “Go downstairs and get me some water.”
[audience laughing]
Then when I say, “Do you want me to get it for you?” What I’m really saying is, “Please don’t make me get it for you. It’s cold as shit down there. I don’t have any pants on. I’d have to put my pants on.” When my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m really tired,” what she’s saying is, “Get that dick away from me! [audience laughing] I feel it on my back!”
[woman laughing loud]
[audience laughing, clapping] [audience roars with laughter]
That looks horrible. [chuckles] I’m sorry. [audience laughing] But guys speak in code, too. Like, late at night, guys speak in code. “Honey, you mind if I turn the heat down a bit? You know, a little bit? The heat, a little bit, a little bit? Turn the heat down a little bit, a bit, a bit?” What they’re really saying is, “I think I’m fucking dying! [audience laughing] I spent the last four hours laying down on the kitchen floor. I’m already naked. I can’t take my skin off.” My wife will say to me, “I felt the weirdest thing in the middle of the night.” It’s like, “What?” “I felt this cold air blowing on me.” And I had to go, “Oh, that’s fucked up. What? Who’d want that while they’re sleeping? Nice, cool breeze gently blowing on your body. I’m gonna check those windows.” That’s what I said. That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, “It’s the fucking air conditioning!” You fell asleep, so I snuck up, and I turned the fucking air conditioning on ’cause I was melting! I weigh 50 pounds more than you! You could sleep with a sweater on.” I could make it better. You know, I could do more. Our date nights suck, to be honest with you. The woman you’re with, she’s giving you everything. Her life, [in Mexican accent] her youth. Dedicated her life. Make it special. Women need that. You gotta make them feel special, you know? I fucked up again Christmas. I’m gonna tell you this story. I waited till the end of the night, the end of the night. That’s not good, guys. My wife’s already in bed. She’s in bed, in bed, about to fall asleep. And that’s when I decided to get romantic. That’s when I decided to sneak in the bed, going, [in deeper voice] “Honey… [audience laughing] Yes, it’s you. It is you. Okay, it is you. Yes. Good, good, good. Got that part. Honey, Merry Christmas. You wanna fool around? It’s Christmas.” “Merry Christmas. No.” “But it’s Christmas.” “I don’t care.” “You don’t have to do much.” [speaking Spanish] “Gracias por la oferta. No, gracias.” “What does that mean?” “Thank you for the offer. No, thank you. But thank you. Thank you.” “Please.” [audience laughing] [in Mexican accent] “Let me tell you about my day, okay? While you were still sleeping, I got up and I finished wrapping the presents for the girls. And then, while you were on your fucking phone, I got the girls dressed for the party. And when you were still on your fucking phone, I prepared and cooked for the party. And while we were opening up the presents, and you were pretending to video tape but still secretly on your fucking phone. We opened up the presents, then we played. And then after, I gave them a nice bath read them a story, and had them go to sleep. And then… I took a shower. And now I’m ready to go to sleep. And now, after all that, you expect me to be excited to have sex with you, so I have to take another fucking shower? [audience laughing] Gracias. No, gracias.” [soft piano continues playing] “It could’ve been over by now.
[audience roars with laughter]
Seriously, could’ve easily been over. I mean, seriously. [chuckling] Before the whole part about, like, shower, I would’ve been over by that part. I swear, we didn’t have to, like…” No. It’s tu problema, no mi problema. It’s tu problema. Huh? No mi problema. Tu problema. Eh, eh, eh. Eh. Uh-eh. [audience laughing] So, I’ll be honest. Um… I was, um… a little high. But it… it was medical. Ow-huh! Ow! Ow! It was medical. I needed it. [smacks lips] But, uh… I didn’t have any pants on. -I should probably tell you that as well. -[audience laughing] And I went downstairs to the refrigerator and, uh… opened up the refrigerator, saw a half-eaten pumpkin pie from earlier in there. Saw a can of whipped cream right there. Now, uh… never done this before or since. I just took the whipped cream and went, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. -Psssh!
[audience laughing]
Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! An hour before, I took one of those blue pills. Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] I didn’t know where this was gonna go, I looked in the refrigerator and saw… some coconut flakes in there. Like, “Oh, yeah.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. And they stayed on pretty good. Not all of them, but enough of them, you know. And I was like… “There’s gotta be some chocolate chips in this motherfucker. There’s gotta be. There’s always chocolate chips.” And there was chocolate chips, right in there, right in there! I took the chocolate chips, and I put those on. The big ones fell off, but the little ones stayed on. The little ones. That’s the key to the whole thing, little ones. And I said, “If there’s some caramel in this refrigerator, I’m gonna blow my fucking brains out. That’s it. That’s it” And there was caramel in there! There was caramel! I took the caramel, and I said– I go, “Robbie! Robinator! Roberino! -Robbie! Robster! -[woman whooing] -Robbie!” -[audience clapping] And who comes around the corner? My wife. [audience laughing] “All right. I guess I’ll have to try some of that.” [audience roars with laughter] “Make your own!” [audience howls] [audience whooing] Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you. [audience cheering] Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a treat for you, but more, really, a treat for me. The one and only, my daughter, Elle King. [audience cheering, clapping] Thank you. I just wanted to tell you that I used to be Rob Schneider, and now I’m Elle King’s dad. And, uh… I love you. We’ve never sung together publicly, and I thought maybe tonight would be a nice night to try it. Okay.
[audience cheering]
This is his one. [laughing] I’ll take it.
[man] You can do it! It’s a carol.
[soft piano playing]
♪ A candy-colored clown They call the sandman ♪
♪ Tiptoes to my room every night ♪
♪ Just to sprinkle stardust ♪
♪ And to whisper ♪
♪ “Go to sleep ♪
♪ Everything is all right” ♪
♪ I close my eyes ♪
♪ And drift away ♪
♪ Into a magic night ♪
♪ I softly say ♪
♪ A silent prayer ♪
♪ Like dreamers do ♪
♪ And then I fall asleep ♪
♪ To dream sweet dreams of you ♪
♪ In dreams ♪
♪ I walk ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ In dreams ♪
♪ I talk ♪
♪ To you ♪
♪ Just before ♪
♪ The dawn ♪
♪ I awake ♪
♪ To find you gone ♪
♪ I can’t help it ♪
♪ I can’t help it ♪
♪ If I cry ♪
♪ I remember ♪
♪ That you said goodbye ♪
♪ It’s too bad ♪
♪ That all these things ♪
♪ Can only happen ♪
♪ In my dreams ♪ All you, baby. ♪ Only ♪
♪ In dreams ♪
♪ In beautiful ♪
♪ Dreams ♪
[audience cheering] [Rob] You’re beautiful. Thank you.
[audience cheering continues]
[upbeat music playing]
♪ You can do it! ♪
♪ All night long! ♪
[audience cheering]
You wanna say hi? Hi! [audience cheering] Hi. My name is… [audience laughing] Okay. I’m gonna… Hi, everyone.
[audience cheering]
Thank you so much for coming. This is my family. I love you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We love you. Thank you so much.
[audience cheering continues]
