Ricky Gervais: Mortality (2025)
Release date: December 30, 2025 (Netflix)
Ricky Gervais arrives at sixty-four with all the trappings of comedy aristocracy—Golden Globes, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Netflix specials that shoot to number one like clockwork—and yet he walks onstage in Mortality wearing the borrowed robes of the persecuted. It’s a peculiar costume for a man who has been so lavishly rewarded for saying whatever crosses his mind. The title promises gravitas, the confrontation with that final curtain that has animated the best work of comics from George Carlin to Norm Macdonald, men who stared into the abyss and came back with something worth hearing. What Gervais delivers instead is an hour of petty grievances dressed up as philosophical inquiry, a parade of settled scores masquerading as dangerous truth-telling.
The routine opens, as his previous special did, with a victory lap about the complaints that only made him richer and more famous. The enemies are vague—”elitists,” censorious mobs, people who want to “ban it”—but never materialized. One wants to ask: where are these forces of suppression? In the Netflix executive suite that keeps writing the checks? In the awards bodies that keep handing him trophies? Gervais has built his late-career persona around defending free speech from threats that seem to exist primarily in his imagination, and it has curdled into something tiresome. The stance of the rebel loses its glamour when the rebel owns a mansion and plugs his vodka brand from the stage.
What remains, in flashes, is the genuine talent. Gervais still possesses that wonderful physical expressiveness inherited from his David Brent days—the way he’ll mime decrepitude or sexual degradation with precise, unsparing commitment. A bit about Stephen Hawking achieves something close to real wit. But these moments are islands in a sea of straw men. He wants credit for confessional honesty while confessing nothing; he proclaims this his most revelatory show while revealing only that wealth and acclaim have not made him happy, merely defensive.
“Whatever side of the political fence you’re on, we should all agree that free speech is a really good thing,” he says, and the crowd roars. But free speech is not merely the right to speak—it implies having something to say. Gervais has been given every platform, every megaphone, every opportunity to wrestle with his mortality, and what he delivers is grumbling about noisy neighbors and imaginary censors. The man who once dissected the human capacity for self-delusion with surgical precision now seems the last to recognize his own.
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Ricky Gervais: Mortality (2025) | Transcript
[audience chatters indistinctly]
[applause and cheering]
[man hoots]
[cheering increases]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Thank you very much.
[cheering continues]
Oh. [Ricky chuckles] [chuckles] Thank you. Okay. [laughs] Okay, shush. Thank you. Sh… Uh, uh, honestly, I’m overwhelmed, but shush.
Thank you so much.
[laughter]
[whooping]
Thank you. Um, welcome to the show. It’s great to be back with a brand-new special. Um, my last special only dropped on Netflix the Christmas before last. And in that special, I talked about the previous special going to number one because of all the complaints. [laughter] And the silly cunts did it again. I mean… [laughter] When will they learn? It’s like… Honestly. It’s… “Ban it. Ban it. Ban it from the…”
Number one, everywhere. I…
[laughter]
My name, like, trended for three days that Christmas. I wasn’t the only comedian who trended that Christmas.
Do you know the comedian Rosie Jones? She’s got cerebral palsy, and she was on a… a TV quiz show, and the… the trolls came out on Twitter, going, “She’s not funny.” “You’re only saying that ’cause she’s disabled.” “You’re only defending her ’cause she’s disabled.” Back and forth. But that wasn’t her biggest controversy of the year. This is a true story. Earlier that year, Rosie Jones made a documentary for Channel 4 about her condition, her plight, some of the trolling she gets, some of the insults she gets called, right? And she provocatively called the documentary, Am I a R♪tard?
[laughter]
Yeah. Great. Power to her, right. Now, the people who complained were disability campaigners. They had a go at her. They went, “You can’t use that word.” She went, “What? Why?” They said, “Because you’re physically disabled.” “That’s a derogatory term for people with mental disabilities.” “If you wanna use a derogatory term, use one that describes your condition.” So basically, Rosie Jones said, “Am I a retard?” And disability campaigners said, “No, you’re a spastic.”
[laughter]
That’s… That’s harsh, isn’t it?
[scattered clapping]
[laughter]
I mean… It’s context. She was… She was using it to empower people. She was called that. She didn’t go, “No, that’s not me.” She… she sort of embraced it and, you know, reclaimed the word. So disability campaigners are saying, “No, you gotta be very specific.” “Only people who are actually retarded can use the word ‘retard, ‘” right? But who’s gonna tell ’em? Who’s… You know what I mean? Who’s gonna… [laughter] You’re not gonna go into a room and there’s, like, Bubba sort of… [laughter] …lying on the floor, crayoning, right? And you go, “All right, Bubba?” He goes… [nasally] “Yeah?” Oh, no, don’t. Sh. Don’t, don’t, don’t.
It’s a tightrope. Let’s leave…
[laughter] [in own voice] He goes, “Yeah?” You go, “You know you can say ‘retard’?” “Why?”
“Think, you thick cunt. Just think.”
[laughter] [Ricky suppresses chuckle] Anyway, I think she should be allowed to use the word, in context. If she can’t use the word, then I… I’ve used the word now, so I’m in trouble, again. Actually, I didn’t use the word. This is a point I wanna make. People say, “Oh, he used the word so-and-so.” I didn’t use the word. Using the word would be calling someone that word. That’s using the word. I said the word in a discussion about the fucking word. That should be allowed, shouldn’t it, amongst adults? If there’s one thing we should agree on, whatever side of the political fence you’re on, we should all agree that free speech is still a really good thing.
It always has been…
[cheering and applause] [whistling] …and it always will be. But now there’s factions of people going, “No, we got it wrong. We don’t like it.” “We’ve changed our mind. We don’t like free speech anymore.” “People who want free speech, they only want free speech so they can go around saying awful things.” Which just isn’t true, and even if it was, the good thing about free speech is people can say awful things back. It’s a really good system, right? And you can’t say anything under the laws of free speech. That’s a total misconception. There are loads of caveats to free speech, all of which I agree with, actually. You can’t incite violence. Good rule. You can’t slander people. Good rule. You can’t libel people, you know? Fascinating fact about libel law. You can’t libel the dead. So I could stand here and say, “Gandhi used to take it up the arse.” [laughter] If I wanted. [laughter continues]
Which I do. I do.
[laughter] [Ricky laughs] [laughter subsides] But free speech is the most important human right, from which all other rights come. Without free speech, you couldn’t have human rights. We’ve got free speech, in theory, in this country, for a little while longer. We can criticize the government. We can criticize the police. We should give props to a country that allows us to do that. We’re the envy of some countries. In some countries, you criticize the police, you get beaten up, or worse. You criticize the government, you can be thrown in jail for life. So they flee their oppression, quite rightly. So would you. They flee and they come here. They go, “We wanna come to England.” We go, “Why?” They go, “Free speech.” We go, “Come on in. Welcome. What are you gonna do now?” “Go on a march.” “What are you gonna say?” “How shit England is.”
“Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.”
[laughter]
That is their… That is their right.
[applause and whooping] But I’m, um… I’m too old now not to say what I want. You know? I wanna say and do what I want all the time. I wanna do my favorite thing all the time. I don’t even like doing my second favorite thing if I think I could be doing my favorite thing, you know? My favorite thing is play tennis. I play every Friday. I keep Fridays free. I look forward to it. I play tennis. It sets me up for the week. So if ever on a Friday I have to do my second favorite thing, like three weeks ago, attend a neighbor’s kid’s funeral, I’m like… [laughter] “This is boring.” [laughter] But we all want respect, right? We all want respect, and we all wanna raise our status in society. We can’t help that. That’s in our evolution. That’s group selected from when gossip used to control the tribes, right? And there’s still two ways you can raise your status in society. One, be competent at something. Like, “Oh, he’s a good hunter. Go with him. He’s good for the tribe.” The other way you can raise your status is have virtue. Like, “Oh, he’s not a great hunter, but he’s… he’s wise.” Or “kind,” or whatever. You know? And then, with the advent of social media, people suddenly discovered they could just say they were virtuous. No evidence. No proof. Just loads of flags in their bio, right? [laughter] And they would raise their status by bringing other people down, catching other people out. “Look what he said. He’s not as virtuous as me.” “Look how good I am. Look how bad…” That’s where the term “virtue signaling” comes from. And I hate it when they bring their kids into it. You can believe what you want, have opinions what you want, vote how you want… Go on a march. Great. But when I see a five-year-old holding a placard, he doesn’t know what that says. That’s the adult, you know? I saw someone tweet this once. Someone tweeted, um, “My four-year-old just looked up at me and said, ‘Mummy, why does Rishi Sunak hate poor people?'” Never fucking happened, right? [laughter] But the most annoying thing about virtue signaling is it’s people being smug about having the morality of the age. You’re what you’re like ’cause of where you are and when you are. Like, it’s not brave of me to be an atheist in this country in this year. It would have been brave 200 years ago. Or mental. And it’d be brave in some other countries, or mental. Right? But people say things like, “Oh, I’m anti-racist.” “Yeah, well done. We all are.” We know that’s the way to be now, but it wouldn’t have always been. If you’d been born in a different place or time, maybe you wouldn’t have. They go, “No, I’d have been an anti-racist whenever I was born.” People say things like… They go, um, “Oh yeah, I’d have definitely hidden Anne Frank.” Would you? Would you? [laughter] Anne Frank comes to your door, in the war. You open it, right? There’s Nazis everywhere, right? She goes, “Can I hide in here?” You go, “Whoa. What…”
[splutters]
[audience laughs] Just facepalmed Anne Frank, like that. [laughter] “Whoa. Wait.” “What happens if they find you?” “Uh, they murder me, and you.” “Go next door.” [laughter] “They’ve got a lovely big attic, a typewriter. You’re gonna love it there.” [laughter] But I’m anti-racist. Of course I am. But I’m willing to admit that if I’d have been born 300 years ago, and I was white and wealthy, I’d have probably have owned slaves. Because… No, ’cause… I’d be nice to ’em, so shut up.
[laughter]
I’d be… Yeah. That’s right. I’d… I’d be the best slave owner you’ve ever fucking… No, I would. I’d look after… I’d dress mine well. I’d dress my… I’d dress my slaves… Yeah, I would. I’d dress mine in little suits. Right? I’d… I’d go… I’d go, “Throw those dungarees away.”
“Put a little suit on.”
[laughter continues] All the other slaves looking. I’d go… And I’d go… And I’d go, “Right, let’s go to the pub, boys.” Right? All the “white” people would go, “You can’t take your slaves to the pub.” I’d go, “Fuck you, fascists. They’re…” [laughter] “They’re my slaves. I’ll do what the fuck I want with ’em.” [laughs] We’d go in the pub. The barman would go, “You can’t bring them in.” I’d go, “Fuck you. We’re going to the saloon bar.” We’ve got little suits on. I’m like, “You look good in your suits, boys.” “Wear socks. We wear socks with suits.” I go… I go, “I’m buying the drinks. Put your money away.” “You haven’t got any money, but you know.” And then we’re just having a laugh, teasing each other, just bants. If one of ’em got a bit too familiar, I would have to punish him.
[laughter]
Just to keep the status quo. If he called me “gammon” or something. Which is the only racial slur allowed now. You can call a white person a gammon. It’s fine for some reason. You can even be ageist. You go, “You fucking old gammon.” And it’s totally acceptable, for some reason. But I’m gonna reclaim the word. You know like Black people have reclaimed the N-word? I’m gonna reclaim the word “gammon.” So I’m gonna be in Carluccio’s in Hampstead, right, with all my white friends, and we’d just be hanging, going, “How you doing, my gammon?” Right? And… [laughter] If our Black friend, Rupert, um… [laughter] I said it was Hampstead. If… If… [laughter] If Rupert came in and went, “My gammon,” I’d go, “You don’t fucking use that word.”
[chuckles]
[audience laughs] My point is, morality evolves. It moves with the times, like everything else. Just think of that. In a few generations, we’ve gone from owning slaves being legal and respectable in the eyes of God to a racist being the lowest of the low, isn’t he? A racist is the worst person in society these days.
Actually, a pedophile is the worst.
[laughter] It goes pedophile, then racist. A racist pedophile… [laughter] …is the worst per… If I met a racist pedophile, I’d go, “Fuck the little Black ones too, you bigot.” You know?
[raucous laughter]
[Ricky chuckles] [scattered applause]
Don’t.
[laughter continues] [chuckles] [chuckles] That’s fine. That’s fine. It’s fine. [laughter continues] They… [chuckles] They won’t cancel me for that. [laughter] They’ve been trying to cancel me for about 15 years, and they’ve always failed. And often, the people trying to cancel me have been other comedians, writing for the posh papers, doing that thing… They always say, “He’s punching down.” “Comedy should punch up. We only punch up. We punch up.” Their idea of punching up, they have a go at Boris Johnson. How the fuck is that punching up?
You know?
[laughter] The cunt is learning disabled.
He’s like…
[laughter] …this fucking waterlogged Gary Busey, fucking albino-egg-man thing. He can’t string a sentence together. Have you heard him talk? He’s like… [mumbles incoherently] He’s a fucking moron, right?
[laughter]
I… No, I punch up. I have a go at people like, I don’t know, Stephen Hawking, right? Yes, the greatest brain that’s ever lived. You can have a… He can take it. And he wouldn’t even have minded when he was alive, ’cause he’s… He’s part robot, isn’t he? I think… He’s basically a talking chair, so you can say…
[laughter]
…what you want, but… And he was on Epstein’s island, apparently, so fuck him.
I don’t…
[laughter] What was he doing there? Why did he want… “I wanna go…” “Why?”
“Why do you…” “Why?”
[laughter] He’s just there, doing fuck… I would go, “What?” [scoffs] I know pedos who’d kill for a ticket to that.
[laughter]
And he’s just taking up a space. It’s probably DEI or something, and they go, “We… we need one.” Like… I would go, “What are you doing here, Steve?” He’d go, “I’m thinking weird shit.”
Fuck off.
[laughter] That… that is probably a hate crime.
That is, isn’t it?
[laughter] It’s a big buzzword at the moment, “hate crime.” Whatever happens, someone always goes, “Was it a hate crime?” “Why?” “Makes it so much worse.” Does it? Why? If I was walking home tonight, and someone randomly jumped me, beat me up, mugged me, stabbed me, threw acid in my face, I wake up in intensive care… Beep, beep, beep. I open my eyes through the bandages. There’s a policeman. He goes, “Mr. Gervais?” I go, “Yeah.” He goes, “We just wanna let you know, it wasn’t a hate crime.”
I go, “Oh, thank God for that.”
[laughter] Pretty hateful, innit? Right? Like… But no, a hate crime is something that’s based on your race, disability, sexuality. So a guy with a gun, he wants to kill someone at random. He sees a crowd. He goes, “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” Bang. Kills someone dead. He goes to court. The judge goes, “Why did you kill that person?” He goes, “No reason.” The judge goes, “So you’re not a bigot?” He goes, “Oh no.” Judge goes, “Aw.” [laughter] “Ten years.” Some other guy’s got a gun. He goes, “I fucking hate dwarves.” All right? [laughter] He sees a little dwarf. He takes aim. Bang. Kills the dwarf dead. Right? He goes to court. The judge goes, “Why did you kill that dwarf?” He goes, “‘Cause I hate the little cunts.”
All right?
[laughter] Judge goes, “You’re a bigot. Twenty years.” Now, he shouldn’t get more for shooting a dwarf. If anything, it’s a harder shot, innit?
[laughter and applause]
He’s done a… If I was that judge, I’d go, “Wait. What? You shot a dwarf at 100 meters?” “Yeah.” “Fucking props. That is…” [laughter] “Five years.” “In the army. Get him in the army.” [laughter] I feel bad about that joke, ’cause I was reading about the… the tough time dwarves have had through history. In medieval times, they used to torture ’em and kill ’em. They used to put ’em in barrels with spikes and roll ’em down the hill for a laugh. Then in Victorian times, they’d stick ’em in the circus and make ’em do dangerous fucking things. And then, as late as the 1980s, right, I remember colleges used to have events like dwarf-throwing, where they were like darts on a thing. Or dwarf bowling. And eventually someone said, “What the fuck are we doing?” “Can we stop making dwarves do shit for our entertainment?” And it stopped. And now it’s back. Now they’re in the Special Olympics. Now they’ve got a… Yeah. They go… They’re going, “Let’s race ’em, and…”
[laughter]
Yeah. Yeah. They’re going, “Let’s throw ’em in the water and see if they can swim.” [laughter] They can. They can. So… [laughter subsides] It needs a bit of work, that one. I don’t know if…
[laughter]
[chuckles] People don’t realize how much goes into one of these tours. My last tour, I did 60 new-material nights. Then I did, like, 25 work-in-progress shows. Then I did an 85-day arena tour around the world, honing it all the time. One critic, sat at his kitchen table, said, “Lazy.” [laughter] He called me immature and vulgar. Four-eyed cunt. [laughter] I’m at that age now where everything annoys me. I say this once a day. I go, “Why don’t things just fucking work?” You know? Whatever it is. The remote control for the TV. Working fine. You go back to it. “What… what’s happened in the last fucking ten seconds? Why…” The phone signal where I live in Hampstead is shit. I walk around the mansion going, “Can you hear me now?”
[laughter]
D’you know? If you make a phone call in the cobbled streets of Hampstead, you can have five bars, having a chat, lovely. You go one step in the wrong direction… [imitates phone beeping] Do you know why the phone signal’s so shit in Hampstead? Because everyone’s posh there, and no one wants one of those pylons in their garden, ’cause they look shit and give you cancer. But I’ve said to the council, let’s find a blind person who’s already got cancer… [laughter] [scattered applause] Put it in their garden. Don’t even fucking tell ’em. Don’t even… [chuckles] [laughter] But never mind inanimate objects. People annoy me the most. Ugh. I say this once a day as well. I go, “There’s always someone who fucking ruins it.” You know? Like, we were on a flight to San Francisco a while ago, me and Jane, right? We took off, right? First class. Seatbelt signs, ding. Drinks are served. Lovely. Then this woman, about two rows back, she gets out her laptop. She starts banging out something really important. She’s wearing fucking bangles. They’re like smashing against… I… It’s driving me mad. It sounded like fucking Morris dancing.
[laughter]
It was driving me… But I know it’s not illegal. I can’t go over, “Bangle Police.” So I just have to suffer in silence and hope we crash.
That is…
[laughter] That is how I get over things now. If someone’s really annoying me, I just stare at ’em, and I just imagine us both dead one day, and it sort of… Here I was thinking… The pilot going, “We’re going down.” The plane was going down, we’re gonna die, and I look over, and she’s going, “Agh!” and I go… [cackles] [laughter] And the plane smashes into a mountain, and we’re all fucking burnt, but I live one second long enough just to look over and see her totally fucked. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Whatever gets you through, you know? [laughter subsides] So we got to San Francisco, and we went on a little day trip. We went to this place called Sausalito, this lovely little harbor town. We’re walking around, sightseeing, but about 11:00 a.m., ’cause of the jet lag, we were starving. We thought, “Oh, we need lunch.” So we found this restaurant that was open at 11:00 a.m. Empty, of course, which is my idea of a perfect restaurant. Empty. Right? We sat by the window. We were looking out over the bay. There was a sea lion bobbing round. A pelican landed. The waiter brings our food. It’s… Oh, it’s… Then suddenly, in all that peace and perfection, out of the kitchen doors comes a busboy, and he just stands in this empty restaurant, and he goes… [snorts gruffly]
[audience groaning and laughing]
I looked at him. I looked at Jane. Jane didn’t even look up. She just went, “Nothing we can do.” Like that.
[laughter]
So I’m all alone, right? And the… And the sweat starts. I just get a sweat. I go, “Okay, he’s gonna do it again.” Sure enough, he… [snorts] Like that. I bang my fork against the plate, and I just look at him. Jane goes, “He doesn’t know why you’re staring at him.” I go, “I want him to know. To go, ‘Are you okay?'” I’ll go, “Not really.” [snorts] “You keep doing that.” Jane goes, “For heaven’s sake, he’s a busboy. He’s at work.” “Let’s just eat and go.” So meal ruined, right? And I wasn’t allowed to do anything. So this is how I got through the last ten minutes of that meal. This is absolutely true. Right? I’m eating. Every time he went… [snorts] …I went, “Cunt!” [raucous laughter] [scattered applause and whistles] That is what you get. That is what you get. [applause and whooping] I did want this show to be more highbrow than this.
Joking aside, I think this is my most honest and confessional show so far. Not in an Edinburgh-fringe type way, you know what I mean? “Oh, my parents died, so I went all autistic.”
None of the…
[laughter] None of that shit, right? My parents did die, but I’m pretty sure I’m not autistic, ’cause once, someone gave me a Rubik’s Cube, and I put it straight in the fucking bin.
[laughter and applause]
[Ricky chuckles] I think that is the test.
[laughter subsides]
No, um, it’s called Mortality, but it’s a… it’s a positive show, um, I think, and it’s… I wanna tell you some of the things I’ve learned, what it’s like to be me at this age, ’cause I’m getting old now. See? That’s silence, for the first year. Up until this year, people would go, “You’re not old.” Now they go, “Go on.” Like that. It’s like… In fact, they make it worse. They say things like, “Oh yeah, but the good thing about getting old is you don’t care what people think about you.” Well, you should care a bit, because caring what people think about you is what stops you walking around with shit down your trousers. [laughter] “Oh, look at Grandad.” “Look, he…” “He doesn’t care what people think about him.” No, he’s wanking at a wedding. He doesn’t, no. [laughter] But, as I say, it’s a… it’s a positive show. It’s not all doom and gloom, getting old. There’s good and bad to getting old. There really is. There’s good and bad to getting old. For example, yes, there’s more chance now of me having a heart attack, having a stroke, getting cancer, but much less chance now of me ever being raped in prison.
[laughter]
Yeah. See? When I was a young man, I thought, “Fuck, I can never go to jail, not with this cute ass.” Right? But now, I’d be pretty confident I’d be left alone. You know, like, I’d go down the corridor, my first day, with my little towel, whistling along. They’d all come to the bars and go, “Ugh.” You know what I mean? I’d spend as much time as I wanted in the shower. [laughter] No one’s even looking. Not a sniff, nothing. The big danger for me, these days, bending over in a prison shower, would be my back going, right? And just crumpling to the floor and having to be helped to my bunk by two big, gay rapists, and they just…
[laughter]
…put me down naked and leave. I go, “Lads, before you go, I’ve done my shoulder in.” “Can you… A little tug?” All right? They go, “Nah.” I go, “What do you mean, ‘no’? You’re literally gay rapists.” They go, “We’re not monsters.” [laughter] I’d also be more confident going to jail ’cause I’ve got a bit of cash. I reckon I could buy my way out of danger. Like, the first day, I’d go, “Right, who’s in charge? Who’s Mr. Big?” And they’d go, “Chopper Harris, D-Wing.” So I go and see Chopper, and I go, “Right.” I said, “Right, I’m in for a year.” There’s a million pounds waiting for you if you make sure no one beats me up, steals my food, no one so much as fingers me. [scoffs, splutters] [laughter] I’ve never said that before. I’ve never…
[laughter]
Chopper would be like, “There’s no foreplay in jail, mate.” [laughter continues] [Ricky chuckles] [laughter subsides] I’m at that age where I’m glad we haven’t got a Harold Shipman knocking round. Do you know what I mean? Those of you too young to know who Harold Shipman is, right, he is our most prolific serial killer. Right? He killed 300 people. He killed old people. That’s my point. He’d have his eye on me. “I’ll give him a few more years.” And he was a doctor, right? But the reason you haven’t heard of him, right, is because he never appears in those lists of the worst serial killers. And he was, like, one of the worst ever. But he… he didn’t act like a serial killer. Right? He was a GP. He was old school. He had a little shirt and tie, little tweed jacket, little beard, little glasses. He’d do house visits. He’d go round to see Edna, 85. “You all right, Edna?” “Yeah.” “Cup of tea?” “Yes, please.” And he’d make Edna a lovely cup of tea. Then he’d just put in a lethal amount of opioids, right, and he’d just give Edna the tea and watch her drink it and fall asleep and die, and that was it. He didn’t even masturbate.
You know?
[laughter] Yes, it is a waste, sir. Yeah. [laughter] You… dirty bastard. That’s…
And, um…
[laughter subsides] They reckon he got the idea when he was a little lad. Harold Shipman, little Harold Shipman, he watched his mum, dying of lung cancer, being given morphine. Something triggered in him. He thought, “I’ll become a doctor, and I’ll do this.” I don’t know whether it means that he liked the way the morphine put his mum out of pain, so these were like mercy killings. Like, you know, reliving the kindness. Or the opposite. He was jealous of old people who lived longer than his mum should have. He was punishing them. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Actually, it does matter, ’cause if you can really understand why someone does something like that, you might spot the signs in the future and stop a crime before it happens. I always think that when there’s a school shooting in America. It’s usually some emo, right, who… [laughter] …goes into a kindergarten, kills about 30 toddlers, turns the gun on himself. And all the eyewitnesses always say the same thing. They go, “Oh, he was a loner.” “He sat at the back.” “He was shy.” “He was bullied.” Let’s round those cunts up now. [laughter] Do you know what I mean? It’s like, go into a school, see who the bully’s smashing up, right? Go, “I’ll take it from here, mate. Thank you.” Right? And drag that little dweeb off to Borstal or jail or something. Go to the bully, “Go and find another.” You know what I mean? He’s doing a… He’s doing a great job. We need more bullies. They’re beating up future child killers. Every…
[snickers]
[audience laughs] You get obsessed with crime and punishment as you get older. I’ve always been pretty interested. I studied philosophy at university, and a big part of that is morality. And, uh, I’ve always been against the death penalty. I was a young liberal, and I was really anti the death penalty. And now I’m an old liberal, and I’m still anti the death penalty, but now I love it when someone gets killed doing something they shouldn’t at the time. Like, you see a bloke in Brazil. A hostage video. He’s got a young girl, a gun to her head. He goes, “You won’t take me alive, copper.” And then the marksman just takes out his brain stem. Oh, I love that. Pause. Rewind. All right? [laughter] Or when a bullfighter gets gored to death. That is my favorite. Right? Particularly when the horn goes up the arse.
That…
[laughter] I call that a “hole in Juan.” [laughter and applause] Thank you. Um… No, don’t. [chuckles] [laughter subsides] Or those… those videos coming out of “lawless” New York. You see ’em on Instagram and YouTube. It’s someone with an iPhone. It’s got someone, he’s knocking over this little convenience store. He’s got a fucking hoodie and a knife, and he’s nicking all the booze. He doesn’t care he’s being filmed. He’s gonna get away with it. Then, from behind the counter, comes a little 70-year-old Korean man who batters him to death with a broom. I fucking love that. I can’t wait to be a 70-year-old vigilante. Just walking around Hampstead with a walking stick. Oh, but it’s a sword. [laughter] I’d paint it white, as well, to look even more vulnerable. Right? Wear dark glasses like that. I’d see a gang of youths. I’d go over to ’em and go, “S… Oh, s… Excuse me, guys.” “Do you know where the Nike store is?” “I wanna buy some Air Jordans with all this cash.” And as they go for it, “You little fucking cunts.” [laughter]
[applause]
[whooping] But the death penalty’s not like that, is it? It’s not in self-defense. It’s not in the heat of the moment. It’s cold justice. You know? Don’t matter what you’ve done. You could’ve murdered people. You stand trial. They find you guilty. They put you on death row, sometimes for 10, 15 years, which seems unnecessarily cruel. Then they murder you in front of witnesses. And it’s from the Bible. “An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth.” The state says, “You murdered someone, so we’re gonna murder you.” But if you rape and murder someone, you still only just get murdered.
[laughter]
That’s a loophole, innit? That’s like… That smacks of misogyny to me. That’s like the judge going, “The rape was free, but we’re gonna…” Just once, I want the judge to go, “You raped and murdered someone, so you’re gonna be taken from here to a place where you’ll be hung by the neck and raped.” “What, at the same time?” “Yes, yes.” “We’ve got loads of volunteers with dildos.” Right? So he sort of goes down like that, and he goes, “Agh! Fuck off! Fuck off!” “You cunt. You cunt.” [laughter] “Okay, he’s dead.” “Yeah, I know. I know.” [chuckles] [audience laughs and applauds] [whooping] [Ricky] Oh. [applause continues, subsides] It might work. [audience chuckles] But the longer you live, the grumpier you’ll get. It’s not just me. It’s gonna happen to all of you. ‘Cause the longer you live, the more shit you see. And you go, “Oh, fuck. This again. This again.” And the more burden you carry. The older you get, the weaker you get, so the burden gets heavier. And you go, “Oh God. This again.” You can’t die nowadays. You know what I mean? You go, “Oh, thank God. I’m dying.” Zzz! “Oh, fuck. I’m back.”
You know what I mean?
[laughter] They can transplant every organ now. Whatever’s got… Transplant every organ. Not your brain. That wouldn’t make sense. You are your brain. So that would be an everything-else transplant. Wouldn’t it? But I’d sign up for that. I don’t care about this. It’s to get this around. If I could leave a million pounds to science, so when I die… Supposing I died, my body’s crushed, killed instantly, but my head’s intact. They keep that on ice. Wait for a body donor. Some poor bloke gets his head crushed. Put my head on his body, and I’m back, aren’t I? Statistically, I will get a bigger penis as well, so… [laughter] The odds are in my favor there, trust me. I wake up in the future, I see the scar, and I go, “Ooh, that’s all right.” I go, “You’ve always wanted a big knob.” “Yeah, I’ve always wanted a big knob.” I go, “Let’s have a little bit of me time, shall we?” I start, but every time I look down, I go, “That’s not my knob.” You know what I mean? I go, “Oh, that’s not my knob.”
[laughter]
“Oh, that’s not my knob.” It’s not my hand either. Carry on. You know what I mean? [laughter and applause] [laughter subsides] I was doing an interview a while ago. I don’t think the journalist liked me. He asked me this question. I thought it was rude. So I gave a fake answer. Right? He said, um, “So, uh, what have you got planned for your funeral?” And I went, “Oh, um… Oh, I wanna be fed to the lions at London Zoo.” He went, “Really?” I went, “Yeah.” I want the… the zookeeper to take out my big, fat, dead, naked, bloated body in a wheelbarrow. Just dump it in the lion’s den, doof, like that. Loads of tourists going, “Is that the bloke from The Office?” Like that.
[laughter]
And then two big lions come out and just start eating me. And lions, they start with the soft bits of the body, to get inside to the rib cage. So they’d probably get a testicle each, ’cause that’d be the easiest available… By then, my testicles would be about a yard apart, so they’d be easy… They’d just start eating towards me, like Lady and the Tramp. Really… [laughs] …romantic. So I said that, as a joke, but he believed me. So much so that when he was writing up the article, he called London Zoo and asked them if that would be allowed. And they said, “No, of course not.” Right? So when the article came out, the headline was “London Zoo refuse Ricky’s request to be fed to lions.” Like I’m a fucking psychopath.
[laughter]
My point is, you can’t worry about what happens after you die. Live your life. Let someone else worry. You’re dead. You’ve done your bit. I know some people who really are stressed about what happens after they die, some religious people. And they believe in heaven and hell and all that. So now they’re getting a bit, “Oh, have I been good enough?” “I mean, heaven’s great, but hell? Oh my God. What if I go to hell?” And I go, “There’s no hell. It’s made up to frighten kids.” Like, my favorite horror film of all time is still the original Exorcist. Right? First time I saw it, on VHS, right, I was blown away. I watched it again straightaway. I loved it. There’s a bit in that that’s meant to be really poignant. And I laughed the first time I saw it, because it was the idea of the devil being this crass and childish. You know the bit. The little girl’s possessed by the devil. They’re doing an exorcism. And they’re throwing holy water on her. She’s hissing. They’re going, “The power of Christ compels you.” “The power of Christ compels you.” And at one point, the devil makes the girl turn her head round and he makes her say, “Your mother sucks cocks in hell.” Right?
[laughter]
And the bloke, she says… He’s devastated. He’s… He’s like… ‘Cause he’s thinking, “Oh, that’s the real devil, so he knows, so it’s true.” “My poor mother’s sucking cocks in hell.” [laughter] If scientists actually found the devil… I was wrong. There is a devil. They found the devil. They… they tested him. It was peer-reviewed. It won the Nobel Prize for fucking everything, ’cause it would be the greatest discovery of all time. And I’d look at the science. I’d be mind-blown. But I’d go, “You gotta follow the science, so, yeah, I believe in the devil.” It wouldn’t even be belief. It would be knowledge. I’d wanna meet him. If the devil actually existed, I’d wanna see it for my… As long as I was safe. I don’t know what makes you safe from the devil. But if he existed, we’d find out, wouldn’t we? We’d… Like, vampires live forever, but now we know a bit of garlic really fucks ’em up. So we’d discover something. Like if you put a devil in a cage with a sprig of parsley on top, he’s weak or something, right? And I’d meet the devil, right, and I’d go for an aud… He’d be there. I’d go, “Are you the devil?” He’d go, “Yeah.” Then he’d try to hurt my feelings. And that was his best shot? And he went, “Rick.” I’d go, “What?” He goes, “Your mother sucks cocks in hell.” I’d go, “Pfft. I don’t care. I don’t…” One, she’s dead. Two, she was heterosexual. Three, she never had her teeth in towards the end, so…
[laughter]
No. But it… But it’s hell. Think of all the terrible things that could be happening to her. Being raped by red-hot pokers. Rats eating her eyes. My mum gets cock duty. Go on, girl.
That’s gotta… That…
[laughter] That has gotta be one of the better jobs in hell. It’s like… Terrible job on earth. I’ve never sucked a cock in my life. I never will. But if I died, and I woke… “Fuck. I’m in hell.” Tortured for eternity. I’d see the first cock. I’d go, “I’m on this.” [laughter] “Not a problem. Not a problem.” I’d be looking round, seeing people skinned alive, I’d go… I’d chow down. I’d fucking… Like that. I’d… I’d be looking over at the big man, going, “I’m doing a great job. Leave me on this.”
[mutters]
[audience laughs] And then… [chuckles] There’s the devil with a clipboard, looking a bit confused, thinking, “No one’s ever gone straight for the cock, but, uh…” And he goes, “Okay. Carry on.” I’ll go… What if he then went, “I mean, I did have you down for ironing”? I’d go, “Fuck. I could…”
[chuckles]
[audience laughs] “Oh, I…” “Oh, I could have been ironing.” [laughter continues] [Ricky chuckles] Who’s getting their cock sucked in hell? That’s what I wanna know. ‘Cause we’re there for punishment, and that’s a little treat. It’s like, I’d be there, right, thinking… Feeling a bit smug. Right? I’m thinking, “This is great.” Not great, but I’d be… [laughter] But the devil’s a trickster. One day, I’d go, “I wonder whose cock this is.” I look up. “Oh, it’s fucking Hitler.”
“I’m fucking…”
[laughter] “I’m fucking sucking Hitler’s cock.” How is this all right, to do this in public? Because if I followed one of you home tonight and I shouted through your letterbox, “Sucking fucking Hitler’s cock in hell,” you’d call the police.
But you’ve paid to hear me say this shit.
[laughter]
[applause]
Fucking hell. [Ricky groans]
[applause continues]
[Ricky groans] [cheering and whistling] [applause subsides] I’ll tell you what’s very popular, um, uh, in England at the moment, and in America, particularly California. Um, mental illness. Oh, it’s taken off. It’s taken off a treat. When… when I was at school, you were either thick or clever, normal or mental, right? Now there’s, like, a thousand new mentals. Right? It used to be a stigma. People would go, “I’m not mental.” Now people go, “I’m mental.” You know? They wanna… “I’m mental.” It’s like, everyone I know in media is ADHD. They go, “I’m ADHD.” “I’m ADHD.” “Yeah, so am I. I’m ADHD.” “Take the test?” “Yeah, five times.” “Passed it on the fifth.” “Oh, well done.” Right? And it’s like… They… “I’m writing a song about it.” “I’m writing a poem.” “I’m writing a book.” “Oh, well done. Yeah.” And they brag about it. They put it in their CV and in their… It’s got “disorder” in it. When did we start bragging about having a disorder? Twenty years ago, you wouldn’t have got given a business card, and it said, “Ron Pike, anal warts.”
You know, just…
[laughter] Keep it to yourself. No one cares. I think… I think the new pandemic amongst the youth is gonna be fear and anxiety, ’cause now we’ve had a whole generation who grew up with social media. Instant gratification. Doesn’t build character. They’re not socialized properly. They can’t deal face-to-face with people ’cause they’re used to hiding behind an identity and an avatar. And now they’ve got teachers and parents enabling their mental illness, as opposed to trying to snap ’em out of it. Now they fear the thing they once loved. They’re worried about the Internet and AI. Young people are really worried about artificial intelligence. And I say this about AI. If it starts becoming a burden, switch it off, right? Like we did Nan.
And…
[laughter] Another big fear amongst the youth is climate change. They’re really worried about global warming. I looked into it, and if the polar ice caps completely melt, the sea level will go up about 60 meters around the world. So all coastal areas will be affected a bit, but the real devastation, the real loss of life, will be in places like China and India. So relax. It’s… [laughter] It’s fine. But we, um… We all suffer from a bit of mental illness. We’re all on the spectrum, aren’t we? All got a bit of OCD or anxiety. Like, I’m a hypochondriac, right? Every morning, I wake up and I think, “What’s wrong?” I go, “What’s that? That wasn’t there yesterday.” “That wasn’t… What’s that?” And I google it. I think, “What could…” And I catastrophize as well. So I google it, and the first five or six I’m fine with. Like, it goes, “Could be anxiety.” “Yeah, could be.” “Lack of sleep.” “I didn’t sleep well.” “Lack of fiber.” “I’ll have more.” “Lack of vitamin B.” “I’ll get a…” I keep pushing, and it goes, “Could be cancer.” I go, “It’s cancer. It’s cancer.” Like that. Once I came out of the bathroom and went, “Jane, I think I’ve got bowel cancer.” She went, “We had beetroot last night.” I go, “Oh yeah. Cheers.”
[audience laughs]
[snickers] [Ricky chuckles] [laughter subsides] [Ricky] I wanna end with a couple of true stories, if I may. Um… And, uh, as I said, I think this is my most honest and confessional show so far, so I wanna talk about something I haven’t talked about before, and that’s to give you a glimpse behind the curtain of the Golden Globes. And, um…
[cheering]
Thank you. I, uh… [audience whistling] I last hosted the Golden Globes in 2020. It was the fifth time over a ten-year period. I liked ’em more and more. The last one was my favorite. ‘Cause the world changed in that ten years. The first time I hosted ’em in, like, 2010, the press of America fucking… they hated me. “Who is this annoying Brit, insulting the most important people on the planet?” By the last time I hosted, they were like, “Yeah, go on, fuck ’em. Fuck ’em.” [laughter] Because ordinary people had got sick and tired of being lectured by these multi-millionaire… Nothing wrong with that. These…
[laughter]
[chuckles] …liberal-elite entertainers telling them how to vote and how to recycle, when everyone knew they were getting free jet rides to Pedo Island. So it… it really hit the zeitgeist. It was always the same deal. “Do you wanna host?” I said, “Yeah, I’ll host.” “But I’m gonna write all my own jokes,” which was unheard of. “I’m gonna write my own jokes, and I’m not gonna rehearse, so you can’t hear the jokes beforehand, and you can’t cancel any.” And they let me do that. I did have to show a lawyer the jokes about an hour before to make sure I hadn’t broken any laws. I never had. I know the law. Sometimes the lawyer would go, “Are you sure you wanna say that?” And I’d go, “Is it legal?” They’d go, “Yep, technically.” I’d go, “Let’s do it.” I’ve never had a joke stopped by the Golden Globes. That says something about them, to be fair.
So, um, anyway…
[applause] Thank you, um… [cheering and applause] This last time, they said, “Oh, you’ve gotta see the lawyer the day before now.” I went, “Okay, great.” So I was driven to the Beverly Hills Center, and they’re all setting up. The photos of the A-listers are all in their chairs. I go, “Oh, there’s Brad. There’s Leo. There’s Bob.” All this, right? And this big guard showed me to this room. He opened the door and shut it behind me. And I looked, and there were, suddenly, ten lawyers in suits. Uh… It was usually, like, this middle-aged woman in a jumper. And I thought, “What the fuck’s happened?” I think… [gasps] “Is it ’cause it’s my last time? They’re making sure I don’t say anything…” And they were… they were there, and I went, “Hi.” They went, “Hi.” I said, “Shall I do the monologue?” They went, “Please.” Tough crowd, right? [laughter] So I had the monologue. And I was going through it. It was, like, seven or eight minutes long. So I was doing the jokes, and after each joke, I sort of looked up, and they were going like that, making notes. A couple of the younger ones were going… [snickers] Like that. And, uh, I got to the end, and I went, “Uh, that’s it.” And they went, “Uh, good.” I went, “Oh, great.” They went, “Yeah.” And then the head lawyer, he was about 60 years old, he had white hair, he went, “Oh yes, there was one thing.” Now, I did this joke. I don’t know if you remember. Uh, it went, “The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy.” [laughter] “He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that.”
[laughter]
And it goes on. At one point, I go, “But Dame Judi Dench said it was the role she was born to play.” “‘Cause she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her back leg, and licking her own minge.” [laughter] So this lawyer went… He said, um… This is all true, by the way. He went, “When you say James Corden is a fat pussy, that’s just referring to his role in Cats, right?” I went, “Yeah.” [laughter] “Yeah, definitely.” Like that. And he went, “Okay, great.”
[laughter]
[snickers] I thought, “This is easy.” You know? It’s, uh… I wanted to go, “Call yourself a lawyer?” Right? And that was it. And they went, “Have a great show,” and I left. And as I was leaving, I saw one of the other lawyers lean in and show this head lawyer his iPhone. And the head lawyer went, “Oh yeah.” He went, “Sorry, Ricky. Can you come back?” So I’m there. I went, “Yeah.” So he had the phone there. They’d looked up the word “minge.”
[laughter]
I thought I’d gotten away with it. It’s now like I’m getting told off. And the head lawyer said, “It says here that the word ‘minge’ is a derogatory term for female genitalia.” I went, “Well, yeah, it’s a… a slang word for ‘vagina’ in England.” “You don’t use it here.” He went, “No, we don’t, but we go out around the world, and with due diligence, now we know it’s derogatory, we’ll have to bleep that word live.” I went, “Don’t bleep the word. People at home won’t know what I’ve said.” “It’ll ruin…” I said, “It’s literally the punchline.” He said, “If it’s derogatory, we have to.” I said, “Well, what word could I use that you wouldn’t bleep?” And he went, “Um, well, you could say ‘vagina.'” I went, “I’m not saying ‘vagina.'” Right? Nothing funny about… It’s so clinical. I was thinking of Judi Dench at home going, “Why is he talking about my actual vagina?” Right?
[laughter]
I said, “‘Minge’ isn’t like that. It’s like… It’s not so specific.” ‘Cause “vagina” is so… “Where’s your vagina?” “There.” Right? [laughter] “Where’s your minge?” “There.” It’s like… [laughter] One of the younger lawyers went, “What about ‘box’?” I went, “I’m not fucking saying ‘box.'” “Imagine her licking her own box.” I said, “‘Minge’ is perfect.” I said, “People won’t know what…” “If they’re American, they won’t know… It’s not offensive. It’s like…” I said, um, “Kids use the word in England.” [chuckles] [laughter] Right? They weren’t having it. So I went… I said, “What about ‘flange’?” Right? So they looked up the word “flange.” Right? He went, “That’d just be confusing, ’cause in America, a flange is a part of a sink unit.” I went, “Oh, well…” I said, “Please let me say ‘minge’ and don’t bleep it.” I was really rooting for “minge,” right? It was like 12 Angry Men. I was going, “No one’s leaving till I can say ‘minge.'”
[laughter]
After about ten minutes, I wore them down. Whatever they said, “That won’t work.” I was going, “Please.” I said, “I’ll write the… You won’t get any complaints.” All this. And eventually, the head lawyer went, “Okay, you can say ‘minge.'” I went, “You won’t bleep it?” He went, “No.” I went, “You promise?” He went, “Yes.” And I left. I knew they would. And they fucking did, right? So when I said “minge,” I pointed.
[laughter]
[applause]
The most frequently asked question I get about the Golden Globes is always, “Was someone so angry about what you said, they came up to you afterwards…” I always go, “Oh God, no.” I wouldn’t even say if that had happened, ’cause I don’t really… I don’t like gossip, to be honest. Right? Um… There was one guy I thought took it the wrong way, right? It wasn’t a bad… No. The cameras went to him, and I’m not in control of the cameras. He was caught in the headlights. It was Elton John, right? But, um, it wasn’t a bad joke. I was introducing Madonna, okay? And I later found out that him and Madonna were in this feud and he hated being mentioned in the same sentence as her. But I didn’t know at the time. I was confused. And it wasn’t part of the monologue, but I’m there for, like, three hours, and now and again, the stage manager would go, “You wanna introduce so-and-so?” I’d go, “Yeah.” I’d come out, and I either do it straight or I ad-lib. And this was a little ad-lib, ’cause I saw Elton in the front row. Uh, so this was the joke. I came out, and I said, “Uh, our next presenter is the Queen of Pop.” “Not you, Elton. Sit down.” Right?
[laughter]
It went to him. He went… [mimics fake laugh] And I was going, “Oh, fuck. He hated that.” And I was thinking, “Why has he… Oh God. Does he think I’m homophobic?” “I’m not homophobic.” There’s all this in my head. Then I thought, “He must have heard worse.” Right? In the 1980s, right, when Elton John was in the closet… He wasn’t out. He was married to a woman. Right? He was also chairman of Watford Football Club. And he and his then wife would go along and watch Watford play, and the entire crowd would sing, “Don’t bend down when Elton’s around or you might get a willy up your arse.” [laughter] Which puts my little quip into perspective, doesn’t it? I don’t know how football fans know how to start at the right time, in the same key. Do they hand out sheet music before a fucking… We’re doing “Willy Up The Arse” in C.
[laughter]
Jeff’s doing a solo. It’s like… And… What they do, they get a traditional tune, so everyone knows it, and change the lyrics. Some genius changes the lyrics, right, to be as offensive about someone or something or somewhere or whatever. So the tune they used to use, I remember it, it was that old Cockney knees-up song.
♪ My old man said follow the van ♪
♪ And don’t dillydally on the way ♪
Do you know that one? Remember the term “dillydally”? They use it very creatively in their version, right? So this was their lyric. It was the ’80s. It’s not politically correct. I apologize. They’re football hooligans. What are you gonna do? So let’s… let’s analyze their genius lyrics, right? This is what they used to sing.
♪ Don’t bend down when Elton’s around ♪
♪ Or you might get a willy up your arse ♪
I mean, you might.
[laughter]
I dunno. Not necessarily his. But, you know, mathematicians amongst you would have to go, “There’s a slight…” Like, if a thousand people bent down when Elton was around, one of ’em might randomly… Someone might come off a bicycle and go, “Sorry.” And they’re like, “Oh, fuck.” And the scientists would go, “One.” Do you know what I mean? There’s a slight… Also, “When Elton’s around.” That’s ambiguous. That could fit… Like, you could have two gentlemen having anal sex in a hotel room. Then, the next day, they find out that Elton John was staying in the next room. They go, “Oh, I got a willy up the arse when Elton was around.” You know? [laughter] I’ll give ’em that. Anyway. ♪ Don’t bend down when Elton’s around Or you might get a willy up your arse ♪ ♪ He has the nerve to call us “dear” ♪ ♪ We all know he’s a fucking queer… ♪
Sorry. Right?
[laughter]
Then it goes…
♪ He dallies and dillies… ♪
They’ve reversed it. Why?
♪ He dallies and dillies ♪
♪ He plays with people’s willies… ♪
[laughter]
Again, I don’t know what “play with” means in this context. It could be like… [imitates car engine] It could be anything, couldn’t it? [laughter] [imitates car engine] “I thought you were gonna suck it.” “No.”
[laughter]
♪ He dallies and dillies
He plays with people’s willies ♪
♪ He’s up every arse in town ♪
I’d stop ’em there. I’d go, “No.” That is… That is provably false. He’s not up every arse in town, is he? We can prove that. Right? Take a small town. Take Watford. 120,000 people. He is not up 120,000 arses, is he? I mean, half of them are women, so 60,000 tops. Right? I don’t think he’s been up 60,000. If he has, good luck to him. But that’s not my point. This is my point. It… What did his then wife think of that? ‘Cause he’s in the closet, right? It… He’s… You know? And she’s just married Elton John. She couldn’t be… She’s in love. She’s so proud of him. Elton John. And he’s chairman of Watford. She goes, “I’m married to Elton John, the pop star.” And then the entire crowd sing, “Don’t bend down when Elton’s around or you might get a willy up your arse.” She must have gone, “Why are they singing that, Elton?” And he goes, “I don’t fucking know. Watch the game.” You know what I mean? It must have been awkward. That’s nearly it for me, but I’ve just… I said earlier, I’ve never had a joke stopped by the Golden Globes. That is absolutely true, but I’ve just remembered a joke that I stopped myself, ’cause I bottled it a bit, and I wanna… I think I was being overcautious. I wanna share it with you. So I got the chance to introduce Jason Momoa. Do you know who Jason Momoa is? Yeah, right? So I thought the meta joke would be to show my hypocrisy and my cowardice. Like, I… I… I’m okay to slag off actors. Who’s scared of actors? But when it comes to a big dude, I’m not so brave. So I was gonna go, “I’ve got nothing bad to say about our next presenter, ’cause he’s got a cock like a baby’s arm,” right?
[laughter]
I told my mate I was gonna do that, and my mate went… [inhales] “Do you think people’ll think that’s racist?” I went, “Why is it racist?” He went, “Well, ’cause he’s a person of color, and…” I went, “It’s nothing to do with that.” “It’s to do with the fact that he’s so big that he’d probably have a cock like a baby’s arm, right?” So I didn’t do it, and I had a great follow-up. I’ll tell you the whole thing. This is what I was gonna do. Right, so I go out and go, “I’ve got nothing bad to say about our next presenter ’cause he’s got a cock like a baby’s arm.” “Unlike Peter Dinklage, who’s got an arm like a baby’s cock.”
[laughter]
[applause and cheering]
It’s great to hear this sort of laughter again. You probably don’t notice it as much as comedians, but we’ve had a really weird ten years, where we’re really second-guessing, going, “Is that okay?” Someone… People could find anything offensive. But we pushed back, and we won, so fuck ’em.
Um…
[cheering] [applause and whistling] Until the next time. They haven’t gone. They’re just licking their wounds. They’ll be back with something madder. But remember who it is next time. It’s always, like, these sort of educated, middle-class, privileged, um, elitist sort of people telling ordinary working-class people what they can and can’t do and say and laugh at, not realizing how important comedy is to ordinary people. When I was a kid growing up in Reading with nothing, humor was like a lifesaver. It was like a superpower, right? Not a real one, like flight, but you know what I mean? You ask anyone their superpower, I reckon seven out of ten will say “flight,” and three will go “super strength” or something, which is great. If you’re a superhero, flying around, being super strong, great. But sooner or later, a supervillain will go, “Look at that cunt. I’m gonna…” [laughter] “I’m gonna get him and murder him.” Right? My superpower, they wouldn’t even know it was me doing it. They wouldn’t even know there was a superpower being used. It would get you out of any situation. My superpower would be the ability to make anyone instantly shit themselves. [laughter] You’re getting mugged at knifepoint. They go, “Give me your wallet.” You just go… They go, “Fuck.” “Oh, fuck.” Game over. It’s game over. [laughter and applause] That’s another thing I’m very proud of. I can honestly say, in all my 64 years, I have never shat myself once, so, um…
[cheering and applause]
No, don’t applaud. No. [laughs] No! Right. Yeah. [exhales] “Why do you like London so much, Rick?” ‘Cause you get a round of applause for not shitting yourself.
[laughter]
[man cheers] Right. But that’s the next phase now. The next… I reckon it’s the next ten years that I will… But as of now, my arsehole has never let me down. Very underrated, the human arsehole. Everyone goes, “The human brain, the greatest computer known to man.” “Oh, the human liver can regenerate itself.” Your arsehole is working 24-7. Even when you’re asleep, it’s like that. “You’re not coming out.” “You’re not coming out. You’re not coming out.” [laughter] “No.” “You’re not coming out. And you’re not coming in.” [laughter] [cheering and applause] [chuckles] ‘Cause it’s like… it’s like a sewer in there, innit? But you’ve got a lovely little manhole cover. Think of that in real life. Walking along a pavement. If that burst… And you know what’s in a sewer, don’t you? Piss and shit and cum and… [laughter] …dead goldfish. [laughter]
Fetuses.
[groaning] In China. Just the… Just the girl ones. Relax. Just…
[chuckles]
[laughter] I’m at that age now as well, ’cause I’m in entertainment, people say, “Are you gonna have a facelift?” I go, “No.” Have you seen facelifts? They’re still just that. You know? You go to the doctor, and the doctor goes, “Do you wanna look old or Chinese?”
It’s like…
[laughter] Nothing wrong with looking Chinese, if you’re Chinese. If you’re not Chinese, it’s a bit weird. It’s offensive. Why is that allowed? You’re not allowed to black up. Why can you do that? [laughter] Maybe there are terms and conditions to make sure you’re never that racist. The doctor goes, “Right, we’ve done the eyes, but never leave the house in a little lampshade because…” [snickers] [laughter] [chuckles] Oh, so childish. It’s so childish. I hope you agree it was a positive show. It wasn’t about death. It was about life. Some people are so worried about dying, they forget to live. Some people are so scared to do stuff. They go, “No, that’s dangerous.” All the most fun things are dangerous. Roads are dangerous. Alcohol is dangerous. Alcohol is a poison. I should know. I sell it. Dutch Barn.
Right, so… Yes.
[laughter] Like, alcohol gives you brain disease, liver disease, kidney disease, heart disease, mental illness, but it does loosen you up at parties, so… [laughter] Think of all the babies born through alcohol. Yeah. Many of them deformed if the mother carried on drinking. But the good thing about being born deformed is, um, you… [chuckles]
[laughter]
Yeah. Hear me out. [chuckles] The good thing about being born deformed is you can start drinking at a much younger age and no one gives you… You know? You see a normal kid drinking, you go, “You little bastard.” You see a deformed kid drinking, you go, “Yeah, go on.” You know? You know what I mean? You’re eight or nine. You’ve had 27 painful operations. You’ve met Olly Murs. Have a drink, you know? [laughter] [chuckles] Well… [scattered clapping]
As you can see, I’ve run out of quality material, um…
[laughter]
But you’ve been absolutely amazing. Thank you and good night.
[cheering and applause]
[whistling]
[whooping]
[cheering and applause continues]
[cheering and applause subsides]
[audience chatters indistinctly]
