Phil Wang: Wang in There, Baby! (2024)
Release date: September 3, 2024 (Netflix)
[pensive atmospheric music playing]
[lively rock music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah! Yeah! [music fades] Yeah. So I think the main difference between white people and Chinese people… [audience laughs] It is a big question, you know. But from my observations, the main difference between white people and Chinese people is that white people, uh, for some reason, absolutely terrified of reheating their rice. [audience laughs] They won’t do it! White people will not reheat rice! Why? What happened? Who hurt you?
[audience laughs]
They won’t do it, man. For white people, rice has once chance to be food. And if there’s any left over after the meal, it becomes poison instantly. [audience laughs] Dad has to put on like a hazmat suit. He picks up the rice, takes it outside. [whining] Buries it in the rain. [audience laughs] “Sorry, kids, we can’t go in the garden anymore.” “Because your mother wanted a paella.” [audience laughs] They won’t do it. White people will not reheat rice. White British people, I should specify. Turns out this is a British phenomenon. I tried this joke out in America once and it did not work. [audience laughs] [laughs] Old Wang died in front of those Yanks. [audience laughs] They had no doggone clue what this pardner was talking about. Because they have a mature relationship with rice.
[audience laughs]
They don’t have a mature relationship with anything else. They’ll shoot the rice into their own mouth… [audience laughs] …with an assault rifle they bought at a pet shop. [audience laughs] But they’ll eat the damn rice. In the UK though, white British people will not reheat rice. Scared it’ll make them sick, is what they tell me. It’ll make them sick, bacteria in the rice. They don’t want to be unwell. You know British people, those health freaks. [audience laughs] Scared old rice will make them sick, is the reason. For the sake of their body and health, British people will not reheat rice. They’ll drink 15 Jägerbombs on a Wednesday.
[audience laughs]
Finger a stranger on a bin, but… [audience laughs] But they will not reheat rice. Because you can’t be too careful. I was astonished by this don’t reheat rice thing when I found out. I was taken aback. ‘Cause I’m Asian. For those of you in the back, I’m Asian. [audience laughs] And Asian people, we reheat rice all the time. [laughs] All the time. You can’t stop us. [audience laughs] I’m reheating rice right now, backstage. [audience laughs] I’ve only come out here to kill time. Chinese people especially. Chinese people have turned reheating rice into an art form. I mean, that’s what fried rice is.
I’m sorry you had to find out like this.
[audience laughs] Traditionally speaking, fried rice is not made with fresh rice. If you’ve ever had fried rice at a Chinese restaurant, that was old rice. We got you! [audience laughs] You probably left that rice there yourself the week before. [audience laughs] Fried rice is how you reheat rice and charge twice. As Confucius said.
[audience laughs]
Anyway, I looked it up for you, I went online and looked it up. And two days. You should be okay for two days on the rice. Cook it a first time, put the leftovers in the fridge, should have two days to use again. Uh, but don’t take my word for it. I don’t want to be legally responsible for anything that happens to you. I did this show the other night, and afterwards someone messaged me on Instagram, and he said, “Great show, Phil. I’m gonna do it, I’ll reheat some rice.” And I said, “Nice one, brother, live your life.”
[audience laughs]
And then I never heard from him again, so… [audience laughs] On your own heads be it. I don’t wanna play with fire here, ’cause maybe there’s something to it. Maybe the British digestive system can’t handle the reheated rice. Which, you know, tracks. ‘Cause I have noticed that British people do love to get food poisoning.
[audience laughs]
Some much food poisoning, man. British always getting food poisoning. I’ve never had food poisoning. Asian people don’t get food poisoning. It’s a white tradition. There’s no food poisoning in Asian culture. We don’t have it. We have food, and we have poison. [audience laughs] We don’t have, uh, this fusion cuisine… [audience laughs] of poisonous food that you have here. British people are always getting food poisoning. All the time, especially abroad. I don’t know what it is. You go on holiday with a British person, you have to set aside two days at least. For food poisoning. Two days on the toilet, guaranteed. Doesn’t matter where you’re going. India, Morocco, Wales. There will be food poisoning. I just went on a trip recently, I traveled around Egypt. I was filming this YouTube series. Went out with an all-white British crew in Egypt, those men had diarrhea every day.
[audience laughs]
Every day. I was fine. But these guys were on the Imodium Tour of Egypt, apparently. It was incredible. It was like an Arctic expedition. Every day, a new man was lost. [audience laughs] I’d wake up, someone would run to me, “Phil, it’s James today.” “He touched a chickpea. We have to leave him. We need to go.” “Don’t be a hero, leave him.”
[audience laughs]
It was insane, they were dropping all around me. Nothing to… [makes funny noises] “Oh no, my drink had local ice in the drink.”
[audience laughs]
[groans] “Oh no, my toast wasn’t fully toasted.” “Oh no!” [makes funny noises] [audience laughs] I was just stood in the corner, eating flies out of the air. “Mmm. Sorry to hear that, guys.” [chuckles] “Hope you get better soon. Yum.” I’ve never had food poisoning, Chinese people don’t get it.
Yellow privilege. We don’t get it.
[audience laughs] Chinese don’t get food poisoning. We got bellies of steel. Nothing will take down a Chinese person. Absolutely nothing will take down a Chinese person. Uh, except alcohol or dairy. [audience laughs] Yeah, a drop of either and we’re dead. Don’t know if you know. Not good with alcohol, Chinese. We get something called Asian flush. Don’t know if you’ve heard of Asian flush. Basically, if a Chinese person drinks a thimble of beer, our face instantly gets very red and extremely hot. It’s basically the Chinese body’s way of alerting the user that productivity has been reduced. [audience laughs] Not very good with alcohol, not very good with dairy either. A large proportion of Chinese people are actually lactose intolerant. It’s true. If my uncle drinks a glass of milk… [laughs] …he’ll shit himself. [audience laughs] Right there! In front of the whole family. On my birthday. [audience laughs] Can’t do alcohol, can’t do dairy. Don’t even talk to us about Bailey’s. [groans]
[audience laughs]
That’s how you stop the rise of China right there. China’s never invading Ireland, I’ll tell you that much. [audience laughs] My family actually have quite a lot of dietary requirements. My, um… My sister dropped a real bombshell on us recently. She gathered us around, told us she’s not eating octopus anymore. [audience laughs] I was like, “What? Who is this person I thought I knew?” [audience laughs] “What about Tentacle Tuesdays?” [audience laughs] She’s, uh… She’s not eating octopus anymore. She said they’re too clever, right? They’re too clever. Not as in they keep getting away from her, uh… [audience laughs] They’re not too cunning. Um, no, my sister says they’re too intelligent. They’ve got too much dignity. ‘Cause she watched this documentary called My Octopus Teacher. It’s this documentary about this octopus that becomes unlikely friends with this South African, uh, weirdo.
[audience laughs]
Um… In the documentary, this octopus and this white creep become friends, and… The octopus does some really clever stuff on camera. It builds a shield out of shells, and it corrects his grammar a couple of times, I think. And my sister saw this documentary, and she goes, “Oh wow.” “Octopuses are so clever. I can’t eat octopuses anymore.” “Me and octopus, done for good.” First of all, how much fucking octopus was she eating… [audience laughs] …that she had to go, “This has to stop”? “Oh my God, no. Oh no.” [fakes crying] What is she, a sea otter? Natural predator. It is a good documentary.
[audience laughs]
Second, what does it matter how clever your food used to be? [audience laughs] It’s not relevant anymore, is it? I mean, it can’t have been that smart. Look… [audience laughs] We already give the animals of the sea a very simple intelligence test. Does this big net full of your friends look safe? [audience laughs] If you flunk those finals, you pass the entry exam into my mouth. My whole life I’ve come up against this argument. People go, “How can you eat that animal? It’s so clever.” “How can you eat that? It’s so smart.” “Oh, Phil. How can you eat pork? Pigs are as smart as a two-year-old.” I’d eat a two-year-old. [audience laughs] That’s why we have laws. [audience laughs] I guess it’s never been a requirement of mine that my food be both dead and stupid. If anything, I want to eat the smartest ones. I wanna keep us in charge of this joint. What are we doing letting all these delicious geniuses wander around? Planning their takeover. I’ve read Animal Farm. No, thanks.
[audience laughs]
I’ll have the Napoleon chops, please. This philosophy of my sister’s, to only eat things that are dumb, it’s not very future-proof. She’s gonna paint herself into a corner. You know? Like, what’s my sister going to do after the nuclear apocalypse? When we all have to become cannibals. What’s she gonna do? “Oh, uh, sorry. Where did he study?” [audience laughs] “Uh, business management at Portsmouth.” [audience laughs] [audience laughing and applauding] [chuckles] Two days for the rice, all I’m saying. Two days, you should be all right. Two days for the rice. Lovely to be here. Thank you for coming. This is pretty cool, huh?
[audience whoops]
What a beautiful place. I love to be in a candlelit wooden room. That’s not tense at all. I find that naked flame and wood go together very comfortably. Thank you so much for coming to the beautiful Sam Wanamaker Playhouse here at Shakespeare’s Globe. Look at this. I finally made it. Now, I’m not originally from, uh, Sam Wanamaker Playhouse. [audience laughs] I’ve come to call it home, of course. I’m not even originally from the Globe.
Um…
[audience laughs] Not from London either. I’m from the south of England. I’m originally from the south of England. Malaysia. Really south of England. Extremely south. [audience laughs] Just past Kent. [audience laughs] I grew up in Borneo, which is East Malaysia. Anyone in from Borneo? Wow, really? There’s a surprise. [audience laughs] I grew up in Borneo, that’s where my dad is from. My dad is a Chinese Malaysian man from Borneo. And my mother is a white lady from Stoke-on-Trent. [audience laughs] In the West Midlands of England. But she left Stoke in the ’80s, she moved to Borneo, she’d heard about the running water and the electricity.
And…
[audience laughs] She moved out to build a better life. That’s where I grew up. I grew up in Borneo. Then, when I was 16, I moved to the UK. So these are the two islands of my life, Borneo and Britain. And I’ve come to realize they’re actually quite different. [audience laughs] The UK is a powerful, old nation. It has a prominent role in a lot of global events. Borneo is a floating rainforest. It’s still very early on in its development cycle, you know. The two have very different challenges. They face different challenges, Britain and Borneo. I noticed this most of all on Instagram. On Instagram I follow both BBC News and local Borneo news. And I’ll scroll through Instagram. I’ll hit BBC News, and it’ll say, “The Prime Minister is at the G7, committing Britain to providing Ukraine with more fighter jets to aid Zelensky in his battle for the soul of Europe.” Oh! Scroll a bit further and it’ll be Borneo news. And it’ll say, “Crocodiles at the shopping mall again.”
[audience laughs]
I’m like, yeah, I remember that. Some people like to say, no matter where you are in the world, all people really just want the same things out of life. It’s not true. [audience laughs] Some people just want fewer crocodiles at their shops. Not even no crocodiles, they’re being realistic, just fewer. Let’s start with fewer, work our way towards none at some point. [audience laughs] It’s a very different life in Borneo I lived. So much so, I think I’ve compartmentalized a lot of my Borneo memories. Buried them a bit. But from time to time, one will re-emerge to surprise me. This happened the other day. I remembered the other day, once, when I was a kid in Borneo, my dad gave me medicine for ghosts. [audience laughs] I’m not making this up. I got ghost medicine one day. I was really scared of the dark as a kid, I could never sleep. And instead of going, “This is a pretty common feature of childhood.” My father said, “My boy’s got the gift.”
[audience laughs]
He believed I was actually seeing ghosts, because Malaysians are quite a superstitious bunch. A lot of Asia is still very superstitious. No matter what age you are, you don’t grow out of it. People of all ages believe in demons and spirits and curses. It was terrifying. Do you have any idea how scary it is to be a child in a country where the adults also believe in ghosts? [audience laughs] You have no one to turn to for comfort. I imagine, growing up in the UK, if you said, “Mom, I think I just saw a ghost.” She’d go, “Don’t be silly, darling. Ghosts don’t exist. Go back to bed.” In Malaysia, if you say, “Dad, I think I just saw a ghost.” He’ll go, “Oh shit! Where?”
[audience laughs]
“Sorry you had to see that, kid. Thanks for the heads-up.” [audience laughs] “I’m putting you on night watch.” “Coffee’s in the kitchen. See you in the morning.”
[audience laughs]
So my dad went into town, he went to the Chinese pharmacy. ‘Cause we have traditional Chinese medicine in Malaysia. As opposed to Western medicine. We have traditional Chinese medicine. Chinese medicine is different from Western medicine in that it doesn’t, uh, work. [audience laughs] Not even a bit. It’s all nonsense. Sorry, hippies, it’s all nonsense. Chinese medicine is not so much a science as it is a collection of animal parts and hunches. [audience laughs] The main hunch being, apparently, the more endangered the animal, the better it must be for you. [audience laughs] You’ll go down to the Chinese pharmacy, and there’ll be shelves lined with jars, and in the jars will be, like, dried seahorse. And you eat the dried seahorse, and that’ll, like, increase your libido. Or powdered tiger claw. You mash up, eat the tiger claw. That’ll, like, improve your, um, libido.
[audience laughs]
Or bird’s nest soup. You drink the bird’s nest soup, and that’ll amplify your, uh, libido. It’s mostly about the libido, now that I think about it. Eighty-five percent of Chinese medicine is about giving you an erection. [audience laughs] My dad, he pushed past all that stuff, went to the Chinese pharmacist, and said, “Do you have anything for the sixth sense?” And he got it, and he came back. He came back home, and he handed me this ancient looking Chinese cup. With this mysterious dark liquid in it. And he said, “Drink.” “Drink, boy, drink! Lest the apparitions overcome you, child.” In Chinese.
[audience laughs]
I looked at this stuff. I was terrified. I had no idea what it was. I was like, “What animal is this from?” My dad was like, “It was very stupid. Don’t worry about it.” [audience laughs] So I closed my eyes and downed it all. It was bitter, it was disgusting. It was horrible. But to be fair, never seen a ghost. [audience laughs] Plus I had a cracking boner for like a month. It was… [audience laughs] …incredible. [audience applauding] I was the talk of the island. [audience laughs] Who’d have thought, a dick joke in a Shakespearean theater? [audience laughs] Anyway, two days for the rice. That’s all I’m trying to say. Two days. I just don’t want you to be walking around scared of rice. I grew up scared of ghosts, I know what fear is like. And rice is like thousands of tiny little ghosts. I get it.
[audience laughs]
There’s enough fear in this country as is, I don’t need you scared of rice. I travel this country touring, and in the eyes of the British people I see a lot of fear. I look in the eyes of the British people and I see fear. I think maybe because I look in their eyes so close. [audience laughs] People ask me, “Phil, what are the public afraid of?” “Is it immigration? Is it World War III? Is it climate change?” No. From what I can tell, the main thing that scares a British person more than anything, the thing that scares every British person to their very core, is when they say, “Touch wood.”
[audience laughs]
And then realize… [audience laughs] …there’s no wood nearby. [audience laughs] I’ve never seen fear like it in my life. Why do you think I picked this venue? So you’d feel safe. [audience laughs] It’s incredible, the speed with which the fear descends. They’ll be having a perfectly decent day, and they’ll go… [coughs then laughs] …”I don’t think it’s TB. [laughs] Touch wood.” [audience laughs] “Oh no, what have I done?” [yelling] They start getting desperate. [yells] “Let me out of the car.” [yells] “At least crash us into a tree.” [yells] They start looking for loopholes or getting cute. “Touch wood?”
[audience laughs]
“Will you accept this?” [audience laughs] Poor people. Here’s a little tip, trick, life hack I figured out, you’re free to use. Whenever I say, “Touch wood,” and there’s no wood nearby, I quickly arouse myself. [audience laughs] I touch the result. Not in a gross way. I’m not creepy about it. It’s 2024, you have to be subtle about these things. All it is, just a quick spin of the heels, a snap of the tip. [imitates whip] Back in the conversation. [audience laughs] No harm, no foul. And the wedding can continue. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Anyway, that’s me, Phil Wang. Phil Wang, your Asian man. European and Asian. Half Asian, half European. That’s why I’m taller than people expect. It’s my European genes. Made me tall. I’m 6’1″. 6’2″ after Pilates.
[audience laughs]
I’m tall. This is the main feedback I get from fans when they meet me in person for the first time. They always go, “Oh! You’re so tall! Huh?” “Why are you so tall?” “What? I didn’t think you’d be so tall.” “Oh no!” [audience laughs] “Oh no, you’re so tall. Oh shit.” “Oh fuck, no!” “Why? Why are you so tall? No! Why?” ‘Cause they’ve come to me wanting to meet an adorable Asian nerd. And instead they’re met with this fucking unit.
[audience laughs]
And… And I can see they’re disappointed. Disappointed and confused. They look at me so confused. “He’s got the face of a dweeb but the body of a bully.” [audience laughs] “He take his own lunch money at school? What’s going on here?” [audience laughs] I was tall. My mother’s genes made me tall like this. I was a freak. I was the tallest member of my Malaysian family when I was 13. Tallest guy on the island, pre-puberty, at 13. I had to make friends with buildings. [audience laughs] When my balls dropped, people had to take cover. “Get down!”
[audience laughs]
That’s me. That’s ’cause I’m mixed race. English, Malaysian, Chinese. I’m part French as well. Part French on my mom’s side. Which makes sense. I love food and not going to work. [audience laughs] I know my languages pretty well. I know some Malay, I know a little bit of Mandarin, my English is… How you say? Uh, very, uh, nice. Um, my French… I don’t know any French. I’ve given up learning French. French is too hard. French is so hard, man. It’s too hard. I swear, French is so difficult, even French people don’t fully know French. [audience laughs] Have you noticed? They always forget the words. Mid-sentence, they’ll forget a word. [speaks French] Uh… [audience laughs] Uh… [speaks French] Uh… [audience laughs] Don’t look at me, François, I don’t know. [audience laughs]
I’m new here.
[audience laughs] Still, it’s a cool country. I went on a really great holiday recently. To Paris. Nice holiday. It was a good holiday because I went with people who didn’t mind being touristy. I hate going on holiday with people who don’t want to be touristy. It’s like, get over yourself. You’re a tourist. [audience laughs] You’re here to do the touristy stuff. The touristy stuff is actually the fun part of the place. Otherwise, you’re just living there. [audience laughs] “Oh, Phil, the Eiffel Tower? It’s a bit touristy.” Let’s go to the dentist and do a big shop. Like, what do you want?
[audience laughing and applauding]
Let’s check out some local commutes. [audience laughs] These clowns. Traveling’s stressful enough without these clowns in tow. Travel can be stressful though. Flying can be really stressful. Those long-haul flights, I can’t stand those, man. I’m tall. I went to New Zealand on tour. Beautiful country, but so far. [audience laughs] When I got there, I was so tired, jet-lagged, knackered. I landed in Auckland. I got to my hotel, and I checked in. And I got on the lift. The lift was one where you have to “bloop” it with your keycard. Otherwise the lift doesn’t believe you live there. You have to “bloop” it. The lift went “bloop.” Then the lift didn’t move. I looked down, and I’d used my bank card. [audience laughs] Like, my credit card on the lift. But the lift still said “bloop.” And I was so tired, that for a second I thought, “Oh no.”
[audience laughs]
“Did I just… buy the hotel? What happened?” [audience laughs] Can you buy a hotel on contactless? That’s over the limit, surely.
[audience laughs]
Flying is stressful. I swear, flying has become more and more stressful over time. I swear, more and more of the responsibilities of air travel have, over the years, been slowly handed down to me, Phil Wang. Anyone else getting this? They got me checking myself in. They got me picking my own seats on the plane. They send me a blueprint of the plane… [audience laughs] I’m not a plane engineer, but they send me a blueprint of the plane, unannounced, and then I have to tell them where I wanna sit. I don’t know, inside. [audience laughs] I turn up, it’s no better. I got to put the suitcase onto the belt myself. There’s not even a person there anymore. I’m gonna put it onto the belt. I turn up, they give me a high-vis, I just crawl into the machinery. [audience laughs] I think next time I go, they’ll give me the keys to the plane. “It’s not hard. Just press ‘up, ‘ and when you get there, press ‘down.’ “
[audience laughs] “You ‘bloop’ the key on the plane first. You gotta ‘bloop’ the plane.” It’s not good, man. I think us customers, us passengers, we need to resist this ongoing encroachment of responsibility from service provider to passenger, right? For example, I recently flew to America. I flew to America recently to try the rice joke out. [audience laughs] And I landed in JFK Airport, in New York. And I got off the plane. And in that tunnel bit between the plane and the airport, I was instantly greeted by this big sign that said, “Always remember, keep an eye out for human trafficking.”
[audience laughs]
And I thought… [scoffs] [audience laughs] “You know what?” “No.” [audience laughs] “I’m gonna give myself a break on this one, actually.” [audience laughs] “I’ve just arrived!” [audience laughs] “I just got off an eight-hour flight.” “And already I have to perform unpaid police work?” [audience laughs] “I haven’t even got my suitcase yet.” “My magnifying glass and trench coat are in there.” [audience laughs] “I’m sorry I wasn’t planning on solving crimes immediately upon arrival.” Were they really expecting me to come off, my first time in New York, going, “Wow, here we are. New York City. The Big Apple.” “Hey, freeze!” [audience laughs] “Phil Wang. British Airways. Frequent flyer.” [audience laughs] “Bronze Level, but I’m working on it.”
[audience laughs]
“You’re going away for a long time, you sack of crap.” “Meet me after Immigration.” “I’ve got foreign passports, it might take a while. Wait for me.” [audience laughs] It was a dangerous country, America, really dangerous country. So dangerous. Even the places that are meant to be safe in America are dangerous. I went into this pharmacy in New York, I was looking for ghost medicine. [audience laughs] I thought I’d seen Elvis dancing in Times Square. I thought, “Oh, not this shit again.” [audience laughs] I went into this pharmacy. They didn’t have ghost medicine, which gave me a headache, so I started looking for some Ibuprofen. And I found the Ibuprofen. And this is how dangerous America is. The smallest number of Ibuprofen tablets I could buy in one go, the least amount of Ibuprofen I could buy in one go, was, all together now, 1,000.
[audience laughs]
A thousand! A thousand Ibuprofen just loose in a tub. Like grain. [mimics grain shaking] A… A thousand. [audience laughs] I don’t think I’ve had a thousand Ibuprofen yet. [audience laughs] In total. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Why would I want 1,000 Ibuprofen? I wanna end my headache, not it all. [audience laughs] A thousand Ibuprofen. I couldn’t believe my little peepers. ‘Cause I’m British. And as you all know, in the UK, Ibuprofen comes in adorable bags of 16. [audience laughs] Sixteen adorable little British tablets in a pack. That’s what Sweet 16 means in this country. It’s the number of Ibuprofen that comes in a bag. And you can only buy, legally, two packs at once in the UK. Thirty-two tablets, that’s your lot. You try and buy any more Ibuprofen in this country, you’ll get arrested. [audience laughs] MI6 will burst through the door and Princess Anne will chop your fucking head off herself.
[audience laughs]
Then you’ll need some Ibuprofen. [audience laughs] But in America you can buy a personal silo of Ibuprofen. No questions asked. You can start an Ibuprofen maracas band… [audience laughs] …and go home with change. This thing was $18 for 1,000 Ibuprofen. Eighteen dollars. You know, you can take it home with you. One under each arm. Sit them by the sofa while you watch TV. Throw it in your mouth like popcorn. No one cares. [audience laughs] Because that’s how much confidence America has in itself. That’s how much faith America has in its own quality of life. Every day, America gives its citizens the opportunity to top themselves. [audience laughs] At unbelievable prices, to be fair. Eighteen bucks, that’s pretty good. [audience laughs] Because they know they won’t. They know life there is too fun. They’d be missing out on too much. Super Bowl, Disney Land, meat that comes in a spray. [audience laughs] In the UK, our government is like, “Have you seen the weather and the food here?”
[audience laughs]
“If we let these people buy, I don’t know, thirty-three Ibuprofen… [audience laughs] they’re going to take them all at once.” [audience laughs] To rest us. I think that is the fundamental difference between Americans and Brits. The Brits always expect the very worst to happen. And the Americans always expect the very best to happen. I went on tour in America, and Americans would come to my shows wanting and expecting to have a good time. [audience laughs] You’re laughing at the very idea of that. [audience laughs] Do you know what is the best compliment you can hope to overhear from a British audience leaving your show? “That was quite good… [audience laughs] …actually.” [audience laughing and applauding] [audience whooping] Some of you are gonna do it after this. You’re gonna go, “It was quite good, actually.” What do you mean, “actually”? [audience laughs] You bought the ticket. You decided to come. And you’re surprised and a bit annoyed you enjoyed yourself. [audience laughs] They’re just so positive in America. Everything about it is positive. Even their English is more positive than ours. The same language, but they have more positive versions of words. You know what they call this in America? What they call these? This little guy, you know? Never seen one of these before? [audience laughs] They call this an ass. This is an “ass” in America. An ass. Do you know what we call these here in the UK?
[in dour voice] An arse.
[audience laughs] [in cheerful voice] Ass! [in dour voice] Arse. It’s not the same, is it? Doesn’t conjure the same image. How fun, how perky, how bright is “ass”? How sad, how dour, is… [in dour voice] …”arse”? [audience laughs] How sexy is “ass”? Show me your ass, I wanna fuck it. [audience laughs] [in dour voice] Show me your arse. [audience laughs] I need to search it. [audience laughs] An ass is not an arse. They don’t conjure the same image. An ass is bouncy and pert and fun. An arse… There’s shit in an arse. An arse is wrinkled and sagging and gray. Jennifer Lopez has an ass. Gordon Brown has an arse. [audience laughs] They’re so positive there in America. I mean, the name of the country is literally U-S. U-S! [chortles] Yes! [audience laughs] In Britain, everyone is depressed, all the time. Our country’s called U-K. [audience laughs] U-K? [whines] “Your arse looks particularly droopy today, U-K?” [audience laughs] You know that joke has been sitting there for 200 years. [audience laughs] Only Wang was strong enough… [audience laughs] …to draw Excalibur from its stone. [audience laughs] Crazy country, America. But amazing cultural output. You know, I can’t deny that. The films, the TV. The music. I’m a big fan of the music. I’m a big hip-hop fan. I don’t need to tell you, you’re looking right at me.
[audience laughs]
Big hip-hop fan. I went to see a really great hip-hop show recently, Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar at The O2. Yeah. Real genius, Kendrick Lamar. Really amazing musician. Um, I really loved the show. I do sometimes find it hard to relate to some of the lyrics in hip-hop. Especially Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar grew up in Compton, this really rough part of LA. A lot of his songs are about his difficult, dangerous upbringing. Uh, I did not have a difficult, dangerous upbringing at all. I’ve been a thoroughly middle-class boy since birth. Grew up in a crocodile-free neighborhood. [audience laughs] I haven’t done a day’s work in my life. [audience laughs] I have the silky soft skin of a prince. The other day, I cut my thumb on bread. [audience laughs] True story. You know bread, famously safe. [audience laughs] Not for this guy.
[audience laughs]
So I sometimes find it hard to relate the lyrics of Kendrick Lamar. I can relate to the lyrics in, I don’t know, folk music. ♪ The forest is nice There’s a river in the valley ♪ ♪ I saw a boat ♪ [audience laughs] Yeah, the forest is nice. These cats are spitting the truth.
[audience laughs]
Kendrick Lamar is like, ♪ These roads is cold Nearly froze me to death ♪ ♪ The older I grow The more I hope to forget ♪ ♪ My dad told me Respect would keep me alive ♪ ♪ Couldn’t keep me off the streets But he tried ♪
I’m there like… Hm. [audience laughs] Uh, I’ll have to take your word for it, Kendrick. Um, not ringing any bells over here. But well done turning those lemons into such fine lemonade. [audience laughs] It was a great show. Kendrick Lamar at The O2, awesome. It was really fun to sing along with all those songs, with other Kendrick Lamar fans, live, with Kendrick Lamar in the room. Now, of course, I do have the same difficulty, the same awkward issue singing along with hip-hop that all non-Black fans of hip-hop have singing along with hip-hop. I think you know what I’m talking about. [audience laughs] It’s the N-word, right? The N-word comes up a lot in hip-hop. Obviously, if you’re not Black yourself, you can’t sing that word when it comes up. Some people get annoyed. They go, “It’s just part of the song. Why can’t I sing the song?” Well, sure. But a lot of a word’s meaning is given by who is saying it and the context in which it’s said. 15,000 Black people at The O2 singing the N-word, that’s a concert. 15,000 white people [audience laughs] in an arena, screaming the N-word together, out of key, [audience laughs] that’s a rally, isn’t it? That’s a rally.
[audience laughs]
That’s the start of a war. It’s a fair distinction to make. Now, everyone at the Kendrick gig was a very good sport about this. They had different solutions. The most common one I saw was they simply didn’t sing the N-word when it came up. Right? They sing along with Kendrick Lamar song. Then the N-word would happen, and they’d go silent as the grave. [audience laughs] Wait for the word to be over. [audience laughs] And then pick up again where they left off. [audience laughs] As if nothing had happened. Perfectly reasonable. They looked a bit like they’ve had a Vietnam flashback in the middle of a song… [audience laughs] Perfectly reasonable. However, in my opinion, not an ideal solution. You do lose a bit of flow. Um, a bit of momentum, stopping and starting like that. I don’t think it’s what Kendrick would’ve wanted. I think a much better solution is to instead replace the N-word, for yourself, with a benign word that simply rhymes and scans the same rhythmically, right? Now, you can choose any word you want. I’ve gone for “slippers.”
[audience laughs]
“Slippers” works surprisingly well. It rhymes, it scans, plus it makes the songs a little comfier. [audience laughs] And suddenly, I’m singing about problems I have… [audience laughs] in my life. [audience laughs] Yo, where my slippers at? [audience laughing and applauding] Where them slippers that I came with? How many more slippers am I gonna lose in these streets? [audience laughs] So it was an amazing gig. He’s a real genius. I have so much admiration for hip-hop artists. I literally couldn’t remember all those words. That’s how basic my own ability is. You have to remember them all exactly. Doing stand-up, you forget the words, you just make it up. If you’re a rapper, you can’t be like… [scatting] Uh… Maybe if you’re a French rapper, but that’s not what I meant.
[audience laughs]
I’ve got a terrible memory. I have such a bad memory. I’ve always had a bad memory, really terrible. I’ve always had a bad memory, um… [audience laughs] I think. Uh, I’ve always had a bad memory. I’m jealous of people with good memories. Some people have amazing memories. My friend Pete has an amazing memory. Pete remembers everything. And Pete once described his memory to me as like having a filing cabinet in his head, right? Whenever he needs to remember something, he simply goes through files in his head, flicks through to the right point, pulls out the fact clear as the day he learned it. Fuck Pete.
[audience laughs]
I don’t know about you, but my memory is not like a filing cabinet at all. My memory is like a mist. [audience laughs] Just an enormous, endless mist. An infinite blank space. When I have to remember something, I just have to approach the mist like this. [audience laughs] [sobs] Please! Please, mist. Please tell me, mist. What is the name… [sobs] What is the name of this lady that I’m speaking to right now? Please. [audience laughs] [sobs] Please, mist. She told me five seconds ago. Please! [audience laughs] Then I just have to wait for the mist to respond. [sobs] Maybe, eventually, a figure will appear deep in the mist. I’ll get excited. Oh, here it is! The figure’s blurry, but it moves slowly towards me. Getting bigger and clearer. I’m like, here it comes! The figure gets closer to me, then the figure comes out of the mist, and it’s just me naked, going, “Uh…” I thought you knew. I don’t know. What’s her name? Jipa… Gepa… Gep… Geppetto? [audience laughs] Geppetto? Try it. I feel good about “Geppetto.”
[audience laughs]
My brain sucks, man. It don’t work no good no more. I’ve been reading up on psychology, trying to understand my mind better. Hasn’t helped at all. Psychology makes no sense. Like, why is it called an Oedipus Complex? There’s nothing complex about it. My mom’s hot.
[audience laughs]
Seems simple to me. I have to say, I do feel like society’s getting more and more sexualized. I feel like porn is everywhere these days. Can’t escape it, you know? It’s on the TV, it’s on my phone. It’s under my bed, it’s on my bookshelf. Arranged alphabetically. I’m like, give me a break, man. [audience laughs] [Phil laughs] Ah. I’m a bit of a perv.
[audience laughs]
I’m a bit of a perv. Um… I’m a bit… People think I’m a perv ’cause I’m tall and I use words like “endeavor,” but… I’m a perv. I’m a bit of a perv. I’m a perv. I’m an ethical perv, you know, I’m not a gross perv. I’m ethical. No one notices. It’s just a little look for me. “Oh!” Just a little something for me. Just, “Oh!” No one notices. No on sees. Just “Huh!” Just a little something for me. [audience laughs] People only get hurt if they notice. No beef if they don’t. Just, “Huh!” A little something for me. Just, “Huh!” You know? If a perv pervs in the forest, and no one sees him perv, does he perv? [audience laughs] [sighs] I’ve always been a perv. I’ve always been a perv. Hasn’t been a time in my life I wasn’t. Even as a kid. I was a pervy little kid. Creepy. Creepy little kid, I was. Creepy. Pervy little boy, I was. Pervy little fella. Creepy. Real creepy, pervy little boy, I was. Pervy, pervy. Quiet, real quiet. Shh! Real quiet, pervy little boy, I was. Creepy, quiet, pervy. People thought I was shy. I wasn’t shy, I was a perv.
[audience laughs]
Pervy little boy. Pervy, quiet little boy. Perving my little life away, I was. Little perv. [audience laughs] Just sat in the corner, perving all day, all night. My mom’s friends would come over to visit, they’d see me perving in the corner. They’d go, “Oh, Phil seems like a… thoughtful child.” I’m like, “Huh, I suppose they are thoughts, technically, Joann.” [audience laughing] Mostly about those foxes in Disney’s Robin Hood. [laughs] [audience laughs] Those are some sexy foxes in Robin Hood! They’re so sexy. The Robin Hood fox and the lady fox, so sexy. Why? Why? Why’d they make them so sexy? It was a children’s movie, but they definitely went out of their way to make those some sexy foxes. Why? Why? They’re foxes, but you also wanna fuck them. Why? How did they do that? How did they do it? How? And why? More importantly, why? Why did they do that? Sick men. It’s messed up my relationship with foxes. [audience laughs] I live in South London now. Foxes are the bane of my life.
[audience laughs]
They shit everywhere, they scream all night. Because of Robin Hood, whenever one’s around, I’m like, “Can they see me? Are they here?” [audience laughs] I’m a bit of a perv. Uh… I hope that’s okay. Thank you for accepting me. Hope you don’t cancel me for that, uh… I don’t think I’m gonna get canceled. I don’t think I’ll get canceled. I mean, touch wood. I don’t think I’ll get canceled. [audience laughing] It is something you have to consider. Now that I’m a bit of a public figure. I started getting recognized when I’m out and about. I get really excited about it, I think it’s great. If anything, I’m usually more excited about being recognized than the person who has recognized me.
[audience laughs]
You know? I’ll be around town, overhear someone whisper to their friend, “Is that Phil Wang?” I’m like, “You’re damn right it is!” [audience laughs] [laughs] “Come here!” “Hey, slow down.” [audience laughs] “Here, get in, get in, get in.” They’re like, “That was his phone. What?” [audience laughs] It is mostly really nice. People are mostly very cool. There’s a downside, of course, being slightly recognizable. And, uh, that is that I… Now I’m too scared to be an asshole in public. You know? Now I’m scared. I’m worried there’s just enough of a chance someone in the vicinity will know who I am and take a video of me doing something problematic, and put it online and ruin me. Over nothing at all. “Uh, look what Phil Wang did to this pigeon. Meh…”
[audience laughs]
Then that’s my career over. Because I whacked a pigeon with a golf club? [audience laughs] I’m just trying to keep the train station clean. [audience laughs] How are you helping? So I have to be on my best behavior at all times now when I’m out and about. I’m a walkover now, I’m an absolute pushover these days. People can do whatever they want to me. I mean, it’s embarrassing. I’m obsequious out there these days. “Oh, no, after you” “Oh, no, I’m sorry.” “Excuse me, I think you dropped your baby.” [audience laughs] Pathetic. I didn’t use to be like this back when I was anonymous. It was awesome. I’d walk around town being an asshole to people, with no consequences at all. It was fantastic. Just walk around saying mean shit to strangers in the street. “Hey, you!” [laughs] “Where’d you buy your hat?” “The bin?” [audience laughs] And he’d be like, “Hey!” And then I’d just run into the nearest Chinese restaurant. [giggles] I’d run into the kitchen. Just blend in with the cooks.
[audience laughs]
He’d run in after me, like… [growls] [groans] [audience laughs] “Where’d he go? Where’d he go?” Start spinning around random chefs. “Hey, buddy!” [speaks in Mandarin] [in English] “Oh! It’s not him.” “Hey, you!” [speaks in Mandarin] [in English] “Where is this guy?” Meanwhile, I’m in the corner, carving a carrot into the shape of a flower. [audience laughs] Hey, y’all got any rice in that fridge? I need to kill this guy.
[audience laughs]
Things are going all right. I can’t complain. Things are going all right. I finally managed to buy my own, um, sofa. Thank you. It was a big step, thank you very much. It took so long to arrive though! Oh my God. I ordered it online, and it took two months for this sofa to arrive. Two months! Why isn’t Kendrick singing about this? Two months! [audience laughs] I didn’t have anything soft to sit on in my house, at all, for two months. I watched TV sat on a dining chair like a Sim… [audience laughing] for two months. Two months living that Sim life on my own there. [speaking in Sim language] [sobs] [audience laughs] But can’t complain. Things are going all right, going well. Um, I managed to write a book. I got to write a book recently. [scattered whoops] Thank you, five people. I appreciate it.
[audience laughs]
I learned a lot about the writing process I did not previously know. For example, it turns out, when you write a book, you have to do your fact-checking yourself. I did not know that. I thought you just wrote whatever the hell you wanted and paid someone to check it out. Then they’d be like, “Yeah, it’s fine, whatever.” No, you do it all yourself. It’s not like that at all. This put me in a bit of a bind ’cause I was writing my book, my book’s about being Western and Asian, being Malaysian, Chinese, and British. I was writing this part in my book about how East Asian men are often emasculated in the West. You know? So, sexually ridiculed in popular Western culture. It’s a really funny book.
[audience laughs]
As an example of this phenomenon, I was talking about this joke in the West about East Asian guys having small dicks. People love this joke. “Chinese guys, small dicks.” [snickers] “Japanese guys, small dicks.” [snickers] “Phil Wang specifically, small dick.” [snickers] [audience laughs] I was like, “Enough of these broad generalizations!” I sat down. I was writing a response to this. I was getting all sassy in my book. “You probably heard this cruel joke, dear reader, about my dick.” [audience laughs] “Well, I’ll have you know, dear reader, that my penis is a perfectly serviceable…” And then I wrote “Six and a bit inches.” Without thinking, I wrote “Six and a bit inches.” I think I’d heard or read somewhere that was the average length of a full penis… “Full”? Is that the right word? A full penis.
[audience laughs]
…was six and a bit inches. So I wrote “Six and a bit inches” as a placeholder. Making a mental note to check that was correct, in my case, at some point. Now, as you all know, with any big project you lose track of the little jobs as new ones pop up. Eventually, a couple months down the line, I was on the phone to my publisher, and she was going, “All right, Phil, it’s your last chance to make any edits, any corrections, it’s your final draft.” “If you wanna change anything, change it now.” “Also, we’ve type-set the book on our system here, so you can’t just make the edits on your Word file and send us the whole book again.” “If you’re gonna change anything this time, you need to call us… [audience laughing] …and tell us each individual change, then we’ll do it here.” An office of predominantly beautiful, accomplished women.
[audience laughs]
And as of this point, I thought, “Aw, fuck, I haven’t checked my dick yet.” [audience laughs] You know, like an author. [audience laughs] I didn’t say that out loud, of course, I’m a gent. I just started breathing really heavily and hung up. I thought, “Crap, crap, crap, crap. What am I gonna do?” I said six and a bit inches. I don’t know if that’s correct. I have no idea if that’s correct. So what if it isn’t? They won’t find out. They’re not gonna send someone over, are they? They’re not gonna send Margaret Atwood over with a ruler, are they?
[audience laughs]
No, but I’ll know. I’ll know. I’m a comedian, an author, I deal in truth. Not lies, not fallacies. [chuckles] Well, it is phallus-y, I guess. God, I’m so clever. No, I’m getting distracted. [audience laughs] No, the post-truth era ends today. Time to check my fact. Phil will measure his wang. [audience laughs] And so I dropped my trousers, and I walked over to the tool drawer. [audience laughs] Realized I should’ve gone to the tool drawer first, [audience laughs] then dropped the trousers, ’cause the waddle added to the indignity. I got out the tape measure. Optimistic, in retrospect. [audience laughing] There was genuinely a moment I was like, “Three meters, that should be enough.” [audience laughs] I dropped my underpants, and with a tape measure in my left hand and my oldest friend in my right, I performed my due diligence. Now, like any good scientist, I made a note of my starting point. My control.
[audience laughs]
Three inches, flaccid. Oh dear. [audience laughs] Oh dear, I’ve said six and a bit. I’ve written “six and a bit” in the book. That is more than twice my starting point. But the journey of 1,000 miles begins with one stroke. Let’s go. [audience laughs] And so I got going. You know what wanking looks like.
[audience laughs]
You might think that writing a book is a sophisticated endeavor. It doesn’t feel that way when you’re wanking alone in the living room. Trying to give yourself a bit of length, to give yourself the best chance in the permanence of the printed word. It wasn’t fun, by the way. I don’t want you to think I was having a jolly in my flat. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a wank that was primarily admin, but… [audience laughs] It’s not hot, actually. Doesn’t exactly get the blood flowing to have a graph pad open at the same time. But such are the responsibilities of the author, apparently. So I kept at it. Now, after a moment, I looked down to check where I was at. Four inches. [gasps] A whole inch in no time at all. I was like, “Wow!” This is going better than expected. I’ll keep at it. Get at it. Another moment, looked down again, five inches. I was like, “Wow!” Maybe it’ll be more than six inches. Maybe it’ll be seven inches. Maybe that’s the change I have to make. I’ll happily call with that edit.
[audience laughs]
I’ll call every day with that edit. I’ll call after it’s published. But as soon as I think that, I look down again, five and a half inches, same interval of time. Oh dear. A deceleration. Diminishing returns. I start to panic. Keep going, come on. Five and 3-quarters, 5 and 4-fifths, 5 and 5-sixths. Starting to get really scared now. Don’t make me make this phone call! Come on, you piece of shit! [yells] I started getting desperate. I started trying different positions. Different rhythms. I put Robin Hood on.
[audience laughs]
But nothing… Nothing would help or work or get me to that six inches I needed. And eventually, after the best slash worst two hours of my life, [audience laughs] I had to give up. I downed tools, picked up my trousers, and made a phone call I did not think would be part of this process. [audience laughs] “Hi, Charlotte, hope you had a nice lunch. It’s Phil.” “Uh, just wanted to make… Actually, page 135, um…” “No easy way to say this, really.” “It’s seven inches, actually. It’s seven. So just put down ‘seven.'”
[audience laughs]
[audience whooping]
Bring on the Pulitzer. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Measuring your penis under duress is the worst part of writing a book. [audience laughs] I think Mark Twain said that. [audience laughs] Otherwise, it’s a really enjoyable experience. I was really glad I got to do it ’cause I got to look back on my Borneo life, I got to come to a new appreciation for the British half of my life, and look at it as a whole, and see how far I’ve come, and how well things have gone and how lucky I am. And to be here filming this special with you wonderful people. A Shakespearean theater is about as good as I could ever hope for. So thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it.
[audience cheering]
Well, actually, I got some really exciting news today. It’s really cheesy to end on it, is that okay? I’m really excited ’cause I got really exciting news. I know you’re British, ending on a positive note is gonna make you feel ill. [audience laughs] But can I share that with you? Is that weird? Is that okay? [audience cheers] Today I found out that I landed an Apple TV deal.
And… thank you so much.
[audience cheering and applauding] Three months free. Three months. That’s pretty amazing. Three months. Not a penny for three months? [audience laughs] I thought it was very good, actually. Someone’s been touching wood. [chuckles] Thank you so much for coming. I’m Phil Wang. I love you all. Thank you. Good night!
[audience cheering and whooping]
[lively rock music playing]
