Paul Reiser’s stand-up special is a humorous reflection on aging, marriage, and the absurdities of everyday life. With sharp wit and self-deprecating humor, he explores topics like memory lapses, accumulating life’s clutter, the dynamics of long-term relationships, and the unexpected challenges of getting older. He jokes about the quirks of parenting, the decline of physical abilities, and communication mishaps with his wife, all while highlighting the universal truth that life, like rice pudding, always comes with a few unwanted raisins. Through it all, Reiser maintains a warm, relatable tone, reminding us to embrace the imperfections and humor in the journey.
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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Reiser.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Well… Thank you. And let me just say, you’re not wrong. It is great to see me.
It is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So nice to be here in this beautiful theater in your beautiful city. I am so glad… I have so many things to tell you. None of which are important. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] I just want to establish that up front. Manage those expectations. Nothing said tonight will have any political, social or cultural relevance whatsoever.
Just so we’re clear.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Nothing. None of that. In fact, I’d go so far as to say no redeeming value, frankly. So, if you leave tonight going, “You know, he really got me thinking,” that’s on you, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I am very excited. We we have cameras. We’re taping a special. How about that? Isn’t that exciting?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Very exciting. Yeah, I have not done one in a while. It has been a while. You know, a lot of my friends… You see comedians, and they have a new special every 12 months, every 18 months. Not me. Last one I did, 1991, okay?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
That’s right. Yeah, I like to space them out, you know? Every 32 years, like clockwork, I send another one down the chute so as to not overstay my welcome. Yeah, every 32 years. So the next one after this, if my math is correct, I’m gonna be 97, so…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah. I don’t know how funny I’ll be at 97. So let’s enjoy tonight, shall we? See, a lot of people… A lot of people lie about their age, and they like to pretend they’re younger than they actually are. Which I don’t understand. Maybe some of you are doing it right now. I don’t get it. Because, first of all, you’re not fooling anybody, okay? But even if you do, you’re not really helping yourself because people can see you. So while you’re lying, they’re looking at you, and very often, what you’re saying doesn’t line up with what they’re seeing.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
For example… Let’s say… Let’s say I was very convincing, and I told you I was 35. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] Okay. Your next thought would have to be, “You don’t look good.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “That’s a tired-ass-looking 35-year-old. That’s…” Right. But if I told you I was 89, you’d go, “God bless. He looks great for 89.” So if you’re gonna lie, go that way. That’s what I say. But I’ve never understood. I have a friend who does this. He lies about his age to me. I grew up with the guy, okay?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
So I know how old he is. We were 10 together. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] We were 20 together and we were 30 together, and that’s the last time it lined up. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] Right around there, he just got off the clock. He likes to pretend the last three decades never happened. He just lives in a fairy… And it’s embarrassing. We go out to dinner, and he’s… He’s flirting with every cute waitress. “How are you doing, darling?” I go, “What are you doing? Jackass, what are you doing?” [AUDIENCE TITTERS] He said, “No, I’m not gonna do anything. “I just… I just want to see if I still got it.” And I tell him, “You don’t. You don’t.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Just ask me. You don’t have it. Don’t put her through that. There’s no call for that.”
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
“You don’t have it. “1982 was the last time we had it. We don’t have it.” [AUDIENCE TITTERS] “It is no longer had by us.” I said, “What do you think is gonna happen? “Let’s compare and contrast, shall we?” I said, “She’s a beautiful young woman. “Has her whole life ahead of her. “Whereas you “are overweight, pasty and knocking on death’s door. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “So what do you imagine she would find appealing about you? “The fact that you smell vaguely like her grandfather? Is that what you want?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He said, “No. I had to talk to her.” He said, “I had to talk to her because she’s so cute.” “I had to talk to her.” I said, “No, you don’t have to.” I said, “You can appreciate something “without getting personally involved. “It’s like a beautiful sunset. “I see that it’s beautiful, but I’m not trying to hump it. Do you see what I’m saying?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, the crazy thing about the aging thing, we all have older people in our lives. All right, so we see what happens to them. So we think we have a pretty good idea of what to expect when we get older. But no…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…there are surprises. Things they don’t tell you. Here’s one I didn’t see coming. Sleep. When did that become a challenge? Sleep?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Are you kidding? My whole life, I slept. I didn’t even think about it. Put my head down, I’m sleeping, that’s all. Now I’ve lost the gift. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I don’t know what’s happening. I just know, every morning, first words out of my mouth, “Yeah, I didn’t sleep so good last night.” I mean… Like, every day.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Here’s another thing that I didn’t see coming. As you get older, do you find you get hurt in ways you didn’t used to get hurt. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] I injured myself doing something stupid. Which, by the way, that is the number one cause of injury in this country, is doing something stupid. You ask anybody how they got hurt, I guarantee you the first thing they’ll tell you, “Yeah, it was so stupid.” It’s like, “Yeah, of course.” Right? Because nobody gets hurt doing anything smart. You’ve never heard of that. “I was working on algorithms for the space program, “and my brain just caved in, “and that’s why I look like this. I was so smart.” No, it’s always stupid. It’s always something stupid. “Yeah, I was climbing a ladder in flip flops.”
“Okay, well, that’s not smart.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Yeah, no, I was boiling pasta naked.”
“Okay, why? Why would you do that?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That’s the whole purpose behind pants. There’s no reason for that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My injury was stupid, but I learned something, and I’ll share it with you. Here’s what I learned, folks. At a certain age, don’t help anybody move a couch. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You just leave it or get a young person. There’s no reason for you to get involved. I didn’t even think about it. My friend said, “You wanna grab that? “We want to scooch it back.” So I lift, and just as I lift it, I heard a pop in my arm. I said, “Whoa, that’s not good.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There shouldn’t be noise in my shirt. Anybody hear that?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It really hurt. But then 10 seconds later, it didn’t hurt. So I thought, “Well, maybe I just dodged a bullet.” You know, “Maybe I tweaked it.” No. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The next morning, I look down, things have moved. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] The whole… The muscle… It’s not like a big muscle. I’m not trying to show off. I’m just saying, whatever sad, pathetic muscle I had, fell. It just fell. So instead of being like a gradual little mound, it was a puny hill gathered at the bottom. It was just… It didn’t hurt, but it looked wrong. So I said, “I’ve got to get this fixed.” So I had to find a surgeon. Orthopedic surgeon. My friend says, “I got the guy for you. “I got the guy. I got the guy. Don’t even look around.” He said, “I got the guy, my guy, I got the best guy. “My guy is the best.” Do you ever notice, all your friends always have the best guy. Nobody has the seventh best dentist. You’ve never heard that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I have the 35th best proctologist.” No, they’re all the best. They can’t all be the best. Like my regular doctor, my checkup guy, he’s not the best. I know that. He’s… And I’m fine with it. He’s okay. He’s like… He’s in the top 20 in his building, I would imagine. You know, he’s fine. He’s fine.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He’s is not a particularly great doctor, but he’s got terrific parking, and I love that. The in and out of there. But my friend said, “No, you got to go. “He’s great, he’s great. You’re gonna love him.” And he kept selling. I said, “I’m going.” He said, “No, you’ll love him.” “He’s a great guy, great guy. He’s very thorough. Great guy, great guy.” And then he says, “And he’s really handsome.” I’m like, “Okay.” It’s not something I generally look for when choosing a medical practitioner, but whatever. Okay. So I go. They put me in a little examination room, and I’m there 10 minutes by myself. Door opens, doctor walks in, Guy was really handsome. I’m not gonna lie to you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Even with my friend’s warning, I was still a little thrown. Like, “Whoa, look at you.” “Hang on, look at you. That’s a good-looking guy. “Look at this guy with a square jaw and a full head of hair. “That’s a good-looking guy.” It struck me, “That shouldn’t be.” If you’re already the top surgeon in the country, you don’t get to be good-looking, too. That’s not right.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Pick one or the other. That’s not how this works. Pick one or the other.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It’s like sometimes, you meet somebody and they’re really attractive, and then they turn out to be stupid. You go, “Fair enough. Okay.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Pick one. But this guy, he was great. He was very thorough. He did an MRI, did an X-ray. He said, “You know, well, you did some damage.” He said, he goes, “You have a little tear in your rotator cuff.” He said, “But that’s not your big problem.” He said, “Your big problem…” I said, “I know, I’m emotionally unavailable.” He said… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Perhaps it’s not my area. He said, “Your your big problem,” get ready, he said, “Your bicep is partially detached.” I said, “Hang on, Doc, I gotta throw up a little bit.”
[GAGS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I said, “Why would you say that?” He goes, “I see it all the time.” I said, “All right, so what do we do now? A little surgery?” He says, “Well, you can, “but you don’t have to.” I said, “What does that mean?” He said, “Well, the best I can do is I’m gonna bring you back “to where you were before you hurt yourself.” He said, “But you’re telling me you can do everything.” I said, “Yeah, I’ve got full range of motion.” He says, “All right, and you’re not in any pain?” I said, “No, there’s no pain.” And he says, “Yeah, so, “I would just leave it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I said is, “Is that where I’m at? “Are we already there? Is that what’s happening?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “We’re just gonna run down the clock now? “Is that what we’re doing?” [LAUGHING] “Just leave it.” Oh, my God. If I was real estate, I’m not even a fixer-upper, I’m a tear-down. Just stick it out as long as you can, but I wouldn’t put more money into it at this point.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He said, “I can hear you when you say that.” [AUDIENCE TITTERS] I said, “No, we’re gonna do the surgery, Dr. Handsome, “and I’ll tell you why.” I said, “We’re gonna do it, because if we don’t, “I think that sends the wrong message “to all the other parts that are still working.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I mean, they see a tendon float by, they go, “Look at this. He doesn’t even give a shit anymore. “The whole place is falling apart. “Why should we pump blood to his heart? “He’s not gonna be around,” you know. So I did the surgery, and I’m happy to report that after months of rehab and thousands of dollars, he was able to make me exactly as weak as I was right before.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So there you go. That’s right.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
Thank you for applauding my slow demise. But I have much to be grateful for. I have my health, such as it is, and I have my family, I have… A little bit about myself, my wife and I, we have two boys, one of whom I don’t care for. And I’m just… To be honest.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I’m just being honest with you. You know, I love him. Don’t get me wrong. I love him, but you know… You know how some kids, they just know how to push your buttons, and they just know how to say the wrong thing. So my younger son, he’s 23. Twenty-four, if we pick up the option, and I don’t know that we will.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But he’ll just come over and he’ll go, “Dad, can I say something to you, no offense?” And I go, “I doubt it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “That has not been my experience with you thus far.” Right, because nobody ever says, “No offense” unless they’re about to offend you. They just let you know it’s coming, and they don’t care. They don’t care. It’s like when people say, “You know, I don’t want to sound racist…” “Well, then stop talking. Why don’t you stop right there?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Just don’t say it. “Don’t say it, because even you have a hunch “it’s not good, don’t you? Yeah. “So maybe don’t say it. “Because if you say it, “I’ll have to think you’re a racist. No offense.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] No offence. I mean, you know… No, listen, we all want to be terrific parents. We want… We aspire to be great parents. But if we’re being honest, we’re all winging it. We don’t know what the hell we’re doing. None of us know what… But if there’s one skill… If there’s one skill that you need to be an efficient parent, you have to worry. That’s the main thing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You have to worry. I don’t judge anybody, but if you have kids and you’re not worried, I don’t think you’re doing it right. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You have to worry. I’m not saying do anything, but just worry. Start there. It’s an important skill to have. And not to brag, I’m very good at it. I’m very good at worrying. Even if there’s nothing to worry about, I’ll make something up. I don’t care. I do. I’ll lie in bed, make up lists, come up with lists like “Ways to get hurt “I had not thought of previously.” [AUDIENCE TITTERS] And by way, all the things I worry about, They never happen. They never happen. Nobody’s ever gotten their head stuck in a lawnmower. Okay, but I thought of it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It could have happened. Nobody ever reached into a dryer to pull out socks, fell in and ended up drying to death. That’s not the thing. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You know, and I’ve been around long enough to know that worrying, it doesn’t help. It doesn’t prevent anything, right? It doesn’t even… It doesn’t even prepare us for anything. But still, we prepare. I know I prepare. If I’m on a plane and we hit a little turbulence, you know, the five seconds where you think you’re going down, I prepare by doing this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because this is really all the insulation you need upon impact. This is… That way, if the plane does go down and I’m the sole survivor, I can tell everybody, “You know what kept me alive. “I had my fists balled up very, very tight. “And to be honest, my asshole was clenched shut… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “…like a bank vault on a Sunday.” That puppy was closed for business. Nobody getting in or out of there. That was closed. “So when we hit, I just bounced right up. “That’s what happened. There I was. “I’m the only one. We hit a… Pow. Bounced right up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was saved by the grace of God and just the the sheer rigidity of my own sphincter.
That’s what did it. Pow.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I told you this would not be important, didn’t I? [LAUGHING] It has been a crazy year. Well, for everybody. But let’s, let’s focus on me. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] A lot of upheaval in my family. We moved. We moved this year, and the kids found us. That was surprising. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I did not anticipate that kind of follow-through. No, we moved. It was a big deal for the kids because we had been in this house for 20 years. So their whole childhood was in this house. And here’s what I learned. You know, you cannot sell your house until you fix it up.
Did you know that?
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
Because nobody in their right minds is gonna buy your house after what you and the kids have done to the place, living like animals all these years.
No, new people deserve better, don’t they?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All the things that never bothered you enough to fix while you lived there, you’re gonna snap to it for these next imaginary people so they shouldn’t have to live like monkeys in a pile of their own filth.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
So we got to work. We steamed the furniture, cleaned the carpets, painted the walls outside, new shrubs, new hedges, new grass, new flowers. Suddenly, I looked around and went, “This place looks great.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS] “Boy, I wish we lived here. This is…” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I’ll tell you, it’s not until you move and you start opening cabinets and closets, it’s not until then that you realize just how much crap…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…you have accumulated. You shouldn’t have to move just to get rid of crap. You know, we could, theoretically, get rid of a little crap every once in a while, and whittle it down. But that’s not the way crap works.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
No, crap likes to stay out of sight where it grows in the dark. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] Just as your family has grown over the years, so has your crap. That’s kind of… If you think about it, it’s kind of the arc of life. First half of life, we’re just getting stuff, get stuff. You can’t get enough stuff. Get stuff. Get to a certain age, get rid of that stuff, get rid of that stuff, get rid… That’s the roller coaster of life. Accumulate, shed. Accumulate, and then shed. We accumulate things and people. We accumulate people. When you’re young, you can’t meet enough people. Right? You mean a nice couple, “We should get their number. I like them. “We should be friends with them. “And their other friends, I like them, too. Get their number. “We’ll all get together. The six of us, we’ll have dinner. “And if that goes well, we’ll get an RV, “I think we’ll all go cross country.
“I think… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I have a good feeling about these people.” You can’t get enough. And then you get to a certain age, you go the other way. All these people that you were so eager to meet, Now, “You know what? I don’t want to see these people anymore.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“I’m tired of these people. I can’t do it. “I’m tired of these people. Should we get new people? “No, I’m saying, no more people. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “No more people. That’s what I’m saying. “No more people. Just you and me. “That’s how it’s gonna be. Just you and me. “And frankly, some days, I would whittle that list down further. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Let’s let’s try you and me.” We all have too many friends. How many friends do you need, really? Three? I’m gonna say three. If you have three good friends, consider yourself blessed. And the others, cut ’em. Just let ’em go.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It’s just too much work. You know, everything, you have to reciprocate. “Oh, they invited us, now we gotta invite them. “They sent us a thing, “all right, we gotta send them a thing. Just cut ’em. And, by the way, they’ll thank you. They were gonna cut you, just so you understand. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] So it’s a win-win. But don’t cut them all. You need three. You definitely need three, and I’ll tell you why. Friends do serve a certain function, so you need one friend… You need one friend just to agree with you how horrible the other friends are. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] That’s one. Then you need one friend… This is really important. You need one friend whose children are more troubled than yours. That’s so important.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You’ve got to find that family. It’s not nice… I’m not saying… But it’s so important, ’cause you just feel better about yourself, don’t you? “You know what, honey? Our kids are lazy and stupid.” “Yeah, okay. But that kid’s out of his fucking mind.
“That kid’s a nut.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“That kid’s nuts. “Oh, those poor people. “Yes, we should count our blessings “with these two idiots because that’s…
“That’s no way to live.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So that’s two. And then the third, in case once in a while, you need a ride to the airport.
But that’s like…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And the rest, cut ’em. Cut ’em. You don’t need ’em. But that’s what this point in life is about. Just shed, shed. We accumulate, and then we shed. There’s a third stage. Very tiny, short, brief stage at the top of that curve, when you have just the right number of people, just the right number of things, but you don’t know it. You don’t know it till you go past it. Amazon drops off some crap you didn’t even know you ordered, and you’re going, “What is this, sweetie? An avocado pit remover. “Why? Why?” “We’ll be having difficulty removing the pits from the avocado.” You don’t want it, but you have it, so you throw it in the drawer, and that’s what breaks you. A week later, you put your house on the market.
That’s why one piece of crap too many.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And then it’s time to downsize. So now how do you get rid of your crap? I’m gonna tell you. Three piles. That’s the answer. Everything you have goes into one of three piles. Garbage pile, save pile, and then the biggest one, not sure pile.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And that’s the Holy Trinity of downsizing. Garbage, save, not sure. Now start with the garbage pile, and you’ll notice you’ve got a problem, because not everything in the garbage pile is actually garbage. Some of it still works.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Those are the two words that have kept this crap in your life year after year.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You thought about throwing it out. [EXCLAIMS] “Still works. “Maybe I’ll put it back and let it die a natural death. “I don’t want to rush it. It’s still… “You know, this Sony Walkman cassette player. This… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I know we don’t use cassettes, and we never will, “but if we did, this is REO Speedwagon. “Listen to that. It’s still going. “It’s still going.” “You know, this electric blanket, “I know the kids are grown, and this is a ratty, “disgusting, fiery death trap, “but you know what? That still… Wow. “That’s still working. Look at that.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] So what do you do? What do you do? You have something that still works, but you don’t want to… Have a garage sale, right? Have a yard sale. People enjoy it. Personally, I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It takes a certain type of balls. It takes a certain magnitude of moxie to look a stranger in the eye, and just tell him, “I don’t want this crap anymore, “but you might.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Take a look. All my crap could be your crap like that.” So I can’t do that. But you can always find somebody who can use it. You go, “Hey, you know what, the neighbor’s kid “just got his first apartment. “Give him that lamp. The lamp. “I know it’s ugly, and the base is wobbly, “and the neck is hanging by a thread, “but it still works. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Kid’s not gonna want to sit in the dark. Give him a lamp.” Here’s the problem there. Kid could get insulted. Kid go, “You giving me this? It’s a piece of crap.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you have to go, “I know. “That’s why I’m giving it to you. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I’m not gonna give you the good stuff. “I’m giving you the crap.” On the other hand, it could go the other way. Kid might go, “You’re getting rid of this?” “Oh, I love this. Thanks.” And that’s where you’ll go, “You know what? Let me have that back. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I was on the fence, to be honest, “but when I saw your enthusiasm, “I realized I was a bit hasty.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But one way or another, whether you throw it out, give it away, donate it, the garbage pile goes away. Save pile, that’s very simple. Just put everything in a box, kick it down the road, you’ll deal with it next time you move, or just wait till you’re dead, and the kids can fight over who wants it less.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then you get to the mother lode, the not sure pile. This is where a lot of marriages and mental health go to die. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Because there are a lot of decisions. And what is in there? What is it that we’re so not sure about? It’s always sentimental stuff, right? You open the closet, “Oh, look, “the kids’ finger paintings from kindergarten. [EXCLAIMING] “the diorama of the Navajo Village “from second grade that we did all the work on, “if I remember correctly.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“We can’t throw that out.” “No, throw it out. This is not what you want to take “into the next chapter of your life. “Throw it. It has no value.” The only value is in that second when you find it, you go, [WAILS] and then throw it the fuck out. You don’t want it. You don’t want it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don’t put it back. It won’t increase in value. It’s not a Picasso, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The hardest part, when I got to my crap, I could not believe what I had been dragging with me for decades.
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
I had boxes of crap… Started in my parents’ house. When I got my first apartment, I put a bunch of crap in a box, whole bunch of boxes, took ’em with me to my apartment. Never opened it. Didn’t need to. Moved from New York, moved out to California, Crap came with me. Now I have California crap. Okay. Got married, got a house. Now I got a… Crap is in the house. We got kids, needed more room, crap went into storage, now it’s back. I don’t know how that happened, but here it is. So now we’re downsizing, and we have to finally open these hermetically sealed time capsules. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And what have I been dragging around with me for 50 years? I go, “Ah, look, my Little League trophy. “‘Fifth place. Nice effort.’ Look at that, sweetie.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
Yes. “Your husband made a nice effort in 1968. “I don’t think you were aware of that. “You’re married to quite the athlete. You don’t know…” Then went, “Ah, look, my book report from 4th grade. “Huckleberry Finn. I got an A++. “Maybe the kids would enjoy reading…” No, they don’t. Let me help you. They don’t. They don’t. They never will. You don’t want your crap. Imagine how much your kids don’t want your crap. Because kids are not nostalgic, you know. Kids have not been around long enough to nostalge. They don’t have that. Kids are looking forward. Kids are all about the future, whereas you have very limited future. Let’s be honest.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, I don’t care how old you are, what kind of shape you’re in, I’m just saying, every day, less future. You understand this, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can’t be the first person explaining this to you. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Every day, less future. If you think I’m lying, tomorrow morning, look at your calendar. “He was right. One day less.” There’s less. And they’re not making more. This is it, folks. This is it. So, you know, use it wisely. For God’s sake, don’t do what I did. Don’t waste your precious remaining days going through boxes of letters from girls who broke up with you in 10th grade, that you’ve been saving in the off chance that maybe they’ll rethink it…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…and come crawling back. Like they’re gonna show up at my door now, “Why did I ever break up with you in 1973?” You can pull out the letter. “Does that ring a bell, sweetheart?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] No, that ship has sailed. You’re all… You’re married, she’s married. Plus, you’re both old. You know what? It’s not that… What you remember is not how it is. The cute girl that you remember from the high school yearbook with the tight jeans and the perky sweater, she’s now a 68-year-old grandmother of five, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She has an arthritic hip, she doesn’t hear in one ear, and you, I think we know what’s happened with you, so… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Move on. This is what I’m telling you people. Move on. Let it go. You ever bump into somebody that you haven’t seen, like since high school? That can be a jolt. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] That’s a jolt, because, you know, we only remember people the way we last saw them. We don’t extrapolate over time. So I had a… I did a show back east. I was in New York, I did a show. After the show, a woman came… Lovely woman, maybe 70, came over, she said to me, “You went to college in Binghamton, New York.” I said, “Yes, I did.” She said, “Do you remember a girl, Debbie Miller?” I said, “Oh, yeah, absolutely. Is that your daughter?”
She went, “No, it’s me.” I went…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“I don’t think so. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “That’s not how I remember it at all. “I happen to have the yearbook right here. “Let me show you. Here. You look like that. “What has happened to you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “No, me, I have mirrors in my house. “I’m not shocked anymore. But you…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“I turn my back for, what, 50 years, “and you let this happen. Why?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I don’t make fun of anybody. It’s not… Listen, I am not perfect. I-I am not perf… You know, when you pay with a credit card while it’s reading the chip, it says, “Do not remove”? Sometimes I remove. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Just being honest. [AUDIENCE TITTERS] I don’t know why they care so much. What if I remove it? Who am I hurting? I’ll put it back. It’s not a big… What? There’s no lying. I’m the only one here. I’m gonna put it in. I’ll take it out. I’ll put it back. Who cares? I don’t know why they… I’ve gotten very skeptical of any kind of… Any kind of, you know, notice, or… I got a thing on my phone the other day, those updates, “Your data storage cloud “is completely filled.” And my brain went straight to, “Is it, though? Is it, really? Is it?”
[AUDIENCE TITTERS]
“Oh, yes, it is filled. “That’s why we’re reaching out. It is totally filled.” “That’s weird, because I never put anything in the cloud.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Well, be that as it may, “it’s stuffed. It is totally stuffed. “Shit’s falling out of your cloud. “I hate to tell you, the other clouds “have been mentioning it because it’s not pretty, what’s happening.
“It’s just disgusting up there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“It’s coming out of your cloud.” “Can I see the cloud?” “No. Nobody sees the cloud. “Nobody not no-how. “But it is stuffed. “That’s why we’re… I’ll tell you what, though, “for $999, I can get you a bigger cloud. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “You’re gonna like this cloud. “You can’t see this one either, but trust me, it’s the el grande. I don’t trust these people. I don’t trust them. And by the way, they don’t trust us. They don’t trust us. How many times have you gone on a website and they don’t even believe that you’re a human being?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And they have to screen you. “Are you a robot? “We won’t be mad, just be… Honestly, are you a robot?” “Let me ask you, if I was a robot, “why would I tell you? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Doesn’t that kind of defeat the whole purpose of being a robot?” Because robots are not stupid, you know. We program robots to do a lot of smart things. I’ll bet you, with a little extra effort, we could teach them to lie. It’s not that hard. Just type it in. “If they ask, ‘Are you a robot?’ “You say, ‘No.'” You can even program a little attitude. “Do I look like a fucking robot?” You know, why couldn’t they do that?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay. Okay. But they’re expecting that. They’re ready for the lying robots. That’s why they always have that second-tier test, the little picture test with the eight pictures. “Which picture has a school bus, or a chimney, or a crosswalk, or a palm tree? You would think that’s easily within the realm of what a robot could do, right? No, they can’t. They’re stuffed, they stymied by the picture test. They get that far, and then they go… [EXCLAIMS] We don’t know what that is! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] It’s yellow and big and… Ah, we gotta go back. Can’t do it. They cannot do it. Whereas I, not to brag, am very good at these tests. I, I…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am. I get them all right every time. I’m very good at it. I can… School bus, school bus, not a school bus, not a school bus, school bus, not a school bus, not a school bus. Give me another one. Come on. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] No, I know I’m already in, but I’m enjoying myself. Keep them coming.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What have you got? All right, chimney, chimney, not a chimney, not a chimney, chimney, chimney, not a chimney. Crosswalk, crosswalk, little piece of a crosswalk. That counts. Crosswalk, little crosswalk, no crosswalk. But they’re not always easy. Sometimes, they try to trip you up. Palm tree, palm tree. Well, it could be a ficus. You know what? Hang on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don’t know how specific they want to be with the trees. You know, I figured out why I love these tests so much. I’m just so happy to be asked something I know. Because there’s so much I don’t know. Because the brain can only handle so much. There’s a certain point in life, there’s not much that can get in there. You know, all these things that I’m talking about as we age, they don’t all happen at one time, which… That would be nice. If they gave you a date, and they said, here’s your old person date, and then you can prepare, and that’s the day when everything just goes bad. But they don’t do it like that. They just eat, get out… it’s like a slow drip. Every week, I notice something new that worked better a few weeks ago. Like… the last couple of years, I was squinting a lot. My eyes were… I was squinting. Recently, I noticed I’m going the other way. Just whoa… Whoa… Opening my eyes wide. This isn’t working. That’s got to do it. I’ll throw more vision at the problem.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I’ll will it into focus. First time I noticed, I was on my computer, and I realized I was making the font a little bigger every week. First time you go from a 12 to 14, it’s like night and day. You go, “that’s fantastic.” Why didn’t I do this years ago? This is fantastic. But then it’s like crack. You can’t get enough.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You go, 18 is even better than 14. Look at that! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You know what? 24. Nothing to be embarrassed about 36. That, then, oh, that’s… 48. Pretty damn good. I mean like… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] I’m at 157, and honestly, just… You can read it from out of town. That’s how big the… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I had to get reading glasses. Never had reading glasses. Took them home, Still couldn’t really make out the computer. I called the eye doctor. I said, “These glasses are not really working. “The computer is still blurry.” He said, “Oh, did you want computer glasses?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You told me you wanted reading glasses. I said, “What?” He said, yeah, those are two different focal lengths. Reading your book is six to eight inches from the eye. A computer is generally 12 to 14 inches from the eye. I said, “Yeah, but, you could move the computer.” He said, “But you won’t.” I said, “That’s so true.” He said, “I’ll give you another pair. “Use that for six to eight, “use the other pair for 12 to 14.” I said, “Let me ask you this. “What if there’s something in the middle?” And he said, “Don’t look at it. “What do you want me to tell you?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] He said, “Nine, ten, eleven inches. “That’s going to be a dead zone. I’ll tell you right now.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I can help you up to eight or after 12. “In the middle, you’re on your own. “Nothing I can do. “If anybody approaches in that area, tell them, “move up or move back. But don’t hover.” So I got reading glasses. I have computer glasses. I have driving glasses. I have driving at night glasses. If I’m in my house, and I wanna look out the window, separate for glasses for that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I got like 14 pairs of glasses now. I’m solid. I got all the glasses I need. Problem is, my brain is fading. I don’t know where the glasses are. So… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] So they’re not helping. They’re not helping. And I had heard about that… short-term memory. They always tell you, as you get older, your short-term memory will diminish. So, I was anticipating a little hit to the short-term memory. What I didn’t understand was just how short… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] …the term is. It’s a short term.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was talking to my friend. I said, “Hey, this trip you’re going on? “Is that for business? Are you going just for fun?” He said, “Oh, the latter.” And I went… “I don’t remember what order I just said it.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
I just said it! That’s not a memory. That’s now. That’s short-term now. I’m losing my now. I don’t remember anything anymore. But I’m honest about it. I tell people right up front, as they’re talking to me, I will tell them, “Hey, just so you understand, “this is the same as if you weren’t talking to me, “okay? Just…”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
“No, I can hear you, and it’s nice to see you, “but it’s not going in. That’s what I’m saying. “If it’s important, write it down. “Wait, you know what? Tell my wife. “But I’m telling you, I can’t hold it. “I have maxed out. My cloud is totally filled. “I cannot… “It cannot go in there.” Sometimes I do remember what people tell me, but… then I don’t know who told it to me. That’s the thing. I spend a lot of my life going, “Who was I talking to? “Who was I talking to? “I was just talking about that. “Yes, the zebra that exploded in the zoo. “We were talking… Who was I talking to? “I heard… who was I talking to?” That’s why it’s great. If you’re married, if you have a… If you’re in a couple, if you’re married, you’re in a couple, you have a built-in backup system, 24-7. You just go, “Honey, who were we talking to about the zebra? “Huh? Who were… You weren’t there?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Who was I talking to? Do you have any idea?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Where have I been the last four or five days? “Any recollection?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] “Who could I have been talking to? That’s what I’m trying to get… “Throw some names at me, I’ll see if anything rings a bell.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “Are you not keeping track? “Remember, I asked you to keep a list of where I go, “and who I talked to? Yes, I did. “I asked… I didn’t ask you? I asked somebody. “Who was I talking to? “I could have sworn that was you.” And again, see, we know these things are gonna happen. We’ve seen it happen with other people. So we know it’s coming, but we don’t know when. We don’t even know in what sequence these things will happen. So, right now, at this point, I’m just on constant lookout, waiting to see which bodily function goes south next. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And I had a frightening moment. I was driving, and I accidentally, with my elbow, I hit the… little dial for the seat heater. So, the pinholes are shooting up heat. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But I didn’t know that I did anything. Do you understand? So, I’m driving, I’m minding my own business, and just all of a sudden… Hmmm…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
This is new. This is new.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
I just noticed, from the waist down, everything was hot. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] It was like a general hotness in the bottom half of me. And my first thought… I’m not proud of this… but my first thought was… I think I just shit myself. Yep. Make a note, sweetie. Today’s the day it started. I…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
Hmm? No, I don’t feel sick at all. That’s what’s surprising. No, I… No, I didn’t eat anything out of the ordinary! You were with me the whole… you saw, I was just sitting here, driving, and… dropped a load. I don’t know how to put it to you, but… We’re going to pull over, change my pants, and get a new car, because we can’t live like this. We cannot live like this. These are just some of the wonderful highlights we can look forward to on our journey. But I’ll tell you, you know, if you’re lucky enough, and you have the right partner on your journey, it makes the whole trip a lot more manageable, and a lot more entertaining. If you’re lucky enough to have the right partner, and… Right? It helps. It helps. And I have to say, I am very, very lucky. I married a wonderful woman… initially, but you know what?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, let me finish. Let me… Here’s how hard marriage is. I absolutely married the perfect woman. She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s independent, she’s successful, she’s kind-hearted, she’s a great mother, and we’re perfectly matched! We had the same values, the same taste, same sense of humor, same everything. Couldn’t be more perfectly matched for each other. And still… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] With all that, three out of five days, I’m slamming my head against a wall. So that’s how hard it is. I have a friend who’s not married. He’s like in his 50s. Not married, never been married, and he’s never going to be married. And the reason I know that, is he tells me all the time, defiantly, “I’ll never get married.” He says, “I don’t care what you say, Paul. “I will never get married.” And I tell him, “I don’t care.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I said I don’t get a commission. You understand that? I… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I don’t work for the organization. Just had the little TV show. That was the whole extent of it. I’m not involved. He said, but… He’s mystified by my… [CHUCKLING] …marriage. He said, “How do you do it? “How do you stay with one woman your whole life? “What’s the secret?” I said what do I know? I said, I don’t know a secret. I said, I’ve only been married one time to one woman. I said, and by the way, in all that time, I’ve only learned one thing, if I’m being honest, I said, and I’ll give it to you. If it helps, I’ll share it with you. This is what I told him. This is the only thing I know to be true. I said to him, I said, [HESITATES] …when you’re with a woman, sometimes, you’re going to want to say something. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] …if a little voice in your head says, “I wouldn’t say it now…”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…you want to listen to the voice. That’s all I can tell you. It’s there to help you. You may have a question, and it can be a perfectly reasonable question. But if you hear a voice say, “All right, but I wouldn’t ask it right now,” trust the voice. That’s why it’s there. You’ll never regret it. Nobody gets to the end of their life and goes, “Oh, if only I could ask more irritating shit, “I could have, I could have… “I had the opportunity, and then I didn’t do it.” No. Because by the way, even if what you want to say is sweet, and loving, and wonderful, it can come out wrong…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…as I have learnt. So, okay, this happened. The other day, I had a really, a lovely moment. I was watching my wife in the house, and I just… was watching her, and I was overcome with a really wonderful feeling of appreciation and affection and gratitude. I was just watching her, “I’m going, God, am I lucky!” I said, “What a wonderful… I’m so lucky. “I married such a wonderful woman.” And I said, “Boy, she does a thousand things a day “that we don’t even know about “that just keep the trains running, “and make our lives great. “And she does… She does everything for us. “And boy, God forbid, something ever happened to her, “I’d be lost. I wouldn’t know how to go on. “My life would be empty and hollow without her.” This is what I’m thinking. My wife sees me staring at her oddly. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] She said, ‘What?” Here’s what came out of my mouth. “Nothing. I was just picturing if you were dead…”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
[MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY] You see what I’m saying? That’s not reflective at all! Um, what I… You see that! It’s very hard to clean that one up, I’ll be honest. But you learn, you learn over time. There are certain things you can only learn in a long-term relationship. I have learned… Okay, here’s an example. So when we’re sleeping, my wife, who I adore, just so we’re clear, when we’re sleeping, she doesn’t snore, because women don’t snore. I understand. I understand. Having said that, there is a noise, uh… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] …coming out of this area of her. There is a noise that, if you didn’t know better, you’d go, “That sounds like snoring.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And I actually kind of, I don’t mind it. I find it endearing. For the first few minutes, anyway, I just marvel. I go, “Really?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Really, a face that beautiful “could make a sound that atrocious. “That doesn’t seem possible.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But after a few minutes, you want to go to sleep. So here’s what I’ve learned. Again, only over time. If you put your hand on her shoulder, and gently shove… Gently… You know what? Practice on the dog. Listen to me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The dog is sleeping on the bed, and starts snoring. Just go…”Ay!” If you hear, [IMITATES YELPING] That’s too hard. So, that’s how you know. Just… You want to dial that down. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But not too soft because then you’ve accomplished nothing. So you want… what you’re aiming for… You want to break their breathing cycle. That’s what you’re going for. And you’ll know you do it right when you hear this sound. [makes sucking sound] That’s it. It’s not pretty.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
It’s not a pretty sound. But that’s what’s… [makes sucking sound] It’s like throwing a wrench under a tractor. It’s not nice, but…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That’s your cue to turn over and go the hell to sleep. Because if you linger, her eyes will open, and she’ll just go, “Did you just shove me?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] And you have to go, “I don’t think so.” [SCOFFS] “In fact, I’m sleeping. “So I don’t even know why you’re talking to me.” See, I… I try to live by the golden rule. And we all know the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It’s a great idea in life. It’s great in life. In marriage, [CLICKS TONGUE] not so much. Uh…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It doesn’t always work in marriage, because I’ll be honest, there are many things I would happily have done unto me, that she don’t like done unto her.
And, and…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She’s very vocal about it. She goes, “I don’t like when you do that.” And it sounds like I’m talking about something dirty. No. No, I mean simple things. Simple… If she’s driving, and I’m in the passenger seat, and I politely point out that our exit is coming up, oh, she gets so insulted. “You don’t have to tell me. I know.” I said, “Well, all right. I… “You know, hey, sometimes, you point it out to me. “And I don’t get offended.” She goes, “Right, because you don’t mind.” I said, “Right! What?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] No, I’m saying I don’t mind. She goes, “Right. But I do, “because I’m not you.” And that’s when I go, “Well, then, “the golden rule is not fucking working here, is it?” Because I only know me. I don’t know who else to draw from. If the golden rule is not working, let’s try the silver or the bronze, because…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
…the silver rule, I think, “Do unto others’ best guesses of what you think they might like done unto them.” And the bronze rule is, “You know what? “Don’t do unto anybody, anything. “Just sit there, eat your chicken, “wait till the show’s over. Just don’t get involved.” And I don’t wanna give you the impression… You know, I’m talking a lot about my marriage and… It’s all good. You know, I don’t want to… It’s all good. [SOFTLY] Know what I’m saying, it’s not all good. But you know what I’m saying, it’s all good. In general, it’s all good. It’s like the world. From space, looking down, it’s all good. You zoom in close, it’s not all good. You know what I’m saying? But you have to scale back, and it’s all good. When my friend asked me, you know, what’s the secret? I said, I must have learned something. And I said “Actually, I do have something. “I have something for you.” And this, I do believe to be true. For any long-term relationship, to keep it growing and keep it moving, you have to constantly find something new to fight about. That is so important. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I cannot stress that enough. So like in my house, the current friction du jour that I’m enjoying immensely, uh, my wife who I adore, we understand… …she has come to view with displeasure, my response time. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Do you know what I mean by response time? The gap in the time continuum from when she asks me something to the microsecond that I answer, that gap is not to her liking. She…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She would prefer a snappy or brisker retort than the one I am affording. And in fairness to her, I got to be honest. A lot of times I do respond, but in my head. I just forget to talk. I… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] That’s not her fault. That’s on me. I… “Did I not speak? I thought I spoke. I…” “You know, I just ran out of steam. “At 4:30, I just ran…” So, sometimes I don’t answer because of whatever that phenomenon is. Sometimes, though, I don’t answer [CLICKS TONGUE] because, to be honest, I didn’t hear the question. I didn’t hear it. The hearing is not as crisp as it used to be. But that’s not all the time. Sometimes I don’t answer right away because I’m thinking. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] She asked me a question, I’d like to give an intelligent, thoughtful response. She doesn’t buy it. She… If I don’t answer it right away, she presumes it’s just because I’m old and deaf. So what she’ll do, is she’ll repeat what she just said, louder, and with ten times the hostility.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
It jumps. It goes from, [SOFTLY] “What do you want for supper,” Straight to, [LOUDLY] “what do you want for…” “I know, I heard you, sweetheart. I heard it. “I was thinking. Maybe I should’ve have gone, ah, do do do do do… “Would that help you? “Do-do-do-do… chicken.” And by the way, her hearing is going too. However, it’s not her fault. It’s not her fault. The way I understand it… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] If I don’t hear her, that’s because my ears are going bad. If she doesn’t hear me, that’s because I don’t speak clearly.
So…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
You see the problem. Yes. This is the problem area. Either way you come at it, here seems to be the problem. And I called her on it one day. I said, “Sweetie, it’s always me, really? “It’s always me. It’s never you?” She said, “Yeah, Now, get the car. We’re late.” I said, “What, where are we going?” She said we’re not going anywhere. I said, “Why did you say get the car, we’re late?” She said, “I said, you need to articulate.”
I said, “Okay.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] It’s not how I heard. I said, “Well, maybe you need to articulate!” And then she mumbled something about going to truck yourself. We don’t have a truck. So… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] You know, it doesn’t even make sense. You see what I’m saying. Yeah. She’s starting to lose it. This is my concern. Yeah. And all married couples go through it. My parents went through this. I remember, in their golden years, my mother called me one night. She said, “I’m worried about your father. “It’s like he doesn’t hear me. “It’s like he doesn’t hear me.” So, she got him to go to an audiologist. The guy was like the 12th best in town. He was fine. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But this guy was smart. First question he said to my father, “Mr. Reiser, let me ask you, “how long are you married?” My father said, “46 years. Why?” The doctor said, “There’s the problem.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] No, apparen… There’s a medical thing. Apparently, if you hear the same voice for that duration of time, it wears down that particular frequency… [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] …in the ear canal.
That’s what’s happening.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
That’s a scientific thing. Both ways. Him to her, her to him, him to him, them to them… Pronouns are not an issue. Any two people, over time, will over-tax that pathway. You can hear above, you can hear below. But that pathway, dead. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] My problem is a little more subtle. Like I said, I hear everything my wife says, but apparently, [CLICKS TONGUE] I hear it wrong. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I hear, “Well, if she said what I heard, we’re doing fine.” But often, it’s not what she said. We were in the kitchen the other day. She’s standing in front of the cabinet where we keep the candy, and she’s squinting. She’s looking into the candy cabinet, And she asked me… I thought… …for the name of our ophthalmologist. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Well, I saw her squinting. It didn’t seem unreasonable. So I said… “Schneiderman.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY, CLAPPING] “What?” Our ophthalmologist is Dr. Schneiderman. “Okay.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Why are you telling me that?” I said, “Did you not just ask me the name of our ophthalmologist?” She said, “No, I said what happened to all the HOT TAMALES?” I said, “All right, well… “that’s not how I heard it.” But I can see why saying “Schneiderman” wasn’t helpful there. Unless Schneiderman ate the HOT TAMALES. but how could that… No, it couldn’t be. It’s… And what makes it extra tricky? Sometimes, you’re not supposed to respond. Sometimes you’re not even supposed to be listening. Sometimes yes, sometimes no, but it’s not always clear what rules are in effect at any given moment. So my lovely wife, who… I adore… We’ve established, right? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] She will walk into the room, and she’ll very quietly go, “Meh, I can’t believe it.” I go, “What’s the matter?” She’ll go, “I was talking to myself.” I said, “Okay, sorry.” And then, at the exact same volume, she’ll go, “Where did I put my phone?” “Hello?” That was to me then? The second part? So the second part was to me. Okay, so the first one, no, but the second one was to me. You were talking to me? She said, “Do you see anybody else here?” I’m like… “Mmm, mmm.” I thought you were talking to yourself. She said, well, evidently I was. Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I said, “My beloved… “We need a system. We need a system. “Help me help you. “How do I know when you’re talking to me, “and when you’re talking to you?” She said, “It should be obvious.”
I said…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“It’s not. It’s not. “If it were obvious, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” But it’s always… it’s only the little things. Like I said, all the big things… We get along on all the big things, we agree. It’s only the little things that will come up and sort of jeopardize a perfectly good union. And I was… This was… Again, I don’t know what things… We’re sitting around, I had my phone out, and I was trying to plan my week, yeah? And I said to my wife, casually, very casually, I said, “Sweetie, are we doing anything Saturday night?” [CLICKS TONGUE] She said… “Are you kidding me?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I’m like… Whoa! And my knees buckle a little bit. I said, whoa!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“Whoa!” I think I’m forgetting something quite significant. Saturday… are we getting divorced Saturday? Is that…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I thought that was just an idle threat. But is that happening? I’m sorry, what is Saturday? She goes, we’re having dinner with Rob and Beth. I said, oh, so that’s on. We’re doing that? She said, “Are you kidding me?” She said, “You’re the one who asked us “to make it Saturday. “Remember we had a whole conversation?” She said, “We were going to do it two weeks ago, “but you couldn’t do it, and you asked me to see “if they could move it to this Sat… “Do you really not recall this whole conversation?” And I said, “Well, the first half, yes, “I remember asking you to see if they could move it, “but they never got back. I never heard back “that yes, they can do it. And yes, we’re on. She said, “Okay, well, but… I told you.” I said, how do we know that? Do you have film of you telling me?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[PAUL STUTTER] I said, “Why do you assume I forgot that you told me? “Maybe you forgot that you didn’t tell me? “That could happen.” And it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but it happened to be the third day in a row. I forgot something stupid. And that’s the one that broke her. It broke her. It was one, too many… She wasn’t angry. She went beyond anger, to a state I had never seen.
Uh…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She just looked at me differently. She looked at me with such a look of compassion and affection and just… genuine… just… it was just so angelic. She looked at me, and she said, I’m worried about you. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] “I’m… I think we have to have you checked.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I said, checked? For what? She said, “I don’t know, “dementia, or early onset, something. “Something is happening.” I said, “Sweetie, “20 years ago, it would have been early. “This is on time. This…” “This is…” Yeah. “This is on time onset. That’s what this is. “This is precisely when onset would set on.” I said, “But play it out. “How would that even help you?” Let’s say I go to a doctor. He looks in my head and goes, “Yeah, we see that he’s got a thing. “There’s something sitting on his memory. “And that’s why his memory… he is forgetting things, because there’s a thing on his memory. How would that help you? She said, “‘Cause at least then, I would know I could adapt. “I would adjust, I would write things down for you. “I’d repeat things. I’d be more patient. I’d be nicer. I said, “Why don’t we go straight to that?”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING]
If you got a perfectly good solution, why would you hold it back like that? She said, “No, I’m not gonna… “Unless you have a note from your doctor, “I’m not going to be nicer. No. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING] “No, unless you have an actual medical condition, “I’m not going to assist you. Step up your game, “and you start remembering these things “because this is not okay!” I said, “Why don’t I split the difference? “Say I got a little bit of something, and you just be a little bit nicer? “And then we’ll bump it up every year.” A little bit, little bit, little bit, till we get to the end of our lives. I said, “You’ll be the nicest person in the world, “and I won’t remember any of this.” Thank you so much, folks! Thank you, Denver. I’m going to say one thing, and then I’ll let you go. That’s how I get off the phone with my family and friends, by the way. I go, “You know, let me let you go.” Sometimes they trip you up. “We don’t have to go.” “All right, well, let me let you let me go.”
“I don’t know how…”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“I’m pulling the plug one way or the other.” Now, I just wanna say one thing. You know, at the top of the show, I said I wasn’t going to say anything important. I changed my mind. I’m gonna say something very important, and I’m gonna… Hear this… I’m gonna share with you the secret of life. I’m going to tell you the secret of life. But it came to me in a very odd way. Years ago, I got to make a movie, and I worked with… my idol, Peter Falk. Do you remember Peter Falk, Colombo? When I was a kid, I didn’t care about acting. Comedians… my idols were all comedians. I never cared about acting. But when I was like eight years old, I saw Peter Falk in a movie. I said, “What’s this guy doing? I love this guy!” So, years went by and I said, I want to… work with him. I wrote a movie where he played my father, and we got to be friends. And so one day, we’re talking about comedy. And I said, “Well, so what do you like? “What kind of comedies do you like?” So Peter Falk says, [IN RASPY VOICE] “Well, you know, uh…”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
“…to be honest, “a lot of the things that make me laugh. “They don’t make other people laugh.” I said, “Well, try me. I’d be curious.” So he tells me this story which I’m gonna share with you. And I thought it was funny. I thought it was a very funny story. But over the years, I thought about it. I said, it’s more than funny. This story has hidden inside it, the secret of life. Here’s the story. So, Peter goes to lunch at a deli, a New York-style deli, all right? Waiter, old school waiter, but waiting tables 100 years, seen it all, nothing fazes him. He comes to the table, and he says, “Would anybody like dessert?” Peter Falk says, “Do you have rice pudding?” The guy says yes. Peter goes, “Hang on. “Before you bring it, “Does it have raisins?” The guy says no. He says, “Are you sure?” He says yeah. He says, “You’re positive? Because, a lot of places, “they put raisins in their rice puddings. “And I can’t eat raisins. “If it has a raisin, I don’t want it. I’ll tell you right now, “if it has raisins, I don’t want it.” The waiter says, “Mr. Falk, “I don’t know how else to tell you no. “There’s no raisins in the rice pudding. Peter Falk says, “All right, I’ll have it.” Waiter goes to the kitchen, brings out the rice pudding. It’s a chockful of raisins. Just…
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Just covered. Top to bottom. [STUTTERS] Through the glass, dark with raisins. Peter Falk says, “Hey, I thought you said there’s no raisins!” The waiter just shrugged and said, “Here and there you’ll find a raisin.”
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I said, well, that’s what life is, isn’t it? Nothing is all good. Even the things you love have things in it you don’t love! But that’s just the cost of doing business. So that’s what I wish for you nice people. In the rice pudding of life, deal with the raisins, but don’t forget to enjoy the pudding.
Thank you so much. Good night.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
