Paul Mooney: A Piece of My Mind – Godbless America (2014) – Transcript

This special captures the respected and controversial stand-up comic, Paul Mooney, performing a politically tinged act that deals with hot-button topics such as race relations. His venomous, no-holds-barred style is on full display. Defiant, socially relevant, and always hilarious, it's a legendary Mooney performance.
Paul Mooney: A Piece of My Mind - Godbless America

Let me see if I could go down some of these credits ’cause we’ll be here for two days if I do them all. Let’s see. Of course, he’s a writer for the great Richard Pryor, the Saturday Night Live. Also, he wrote for Red Fox, Sanford and Son, Good Times, Which Way Is Up, Bustin’ Moves, Hollywood Shuffles. He played Sam Cooke in the Buddy Holly Story. He also wrote for Fox’s In Living Color, created the character Homie Da Clown. Okay, let’s move on over to Chapelle Show. I told you we’d be here for two days.

The Godfather of Comedy, Paul Mooney, hanging out with us in the studios. He’s been in here before, so he knows how it goes down. He’s performing at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center. Mr. Mooney, it’s always an honor to see you. We appreciate you stopping by.

Aren’t you going to tell them what time, and where to get the tickets?

Yeah, we’ll get to that. We got time.

Are you sure?

So this is of course, the Godfather of Comedy, for sure, for sure, Paul Mooney. So this is going to be a historic event.

Hey, y’all! My name is Chucky Jenkins, and we’re on the red carpet at the Paul Mooney, Godfather of Comedy taping. Godfather of comedy, man. That’s the man behind a lot of the Gs. Come on, why not go and study one of the greats, man?

We got the Kings of Comedy, but we about to watch the Godfather. Paul Mooney, man. He’s definitely the greatest. He’s a legend in comedy, I mean. I just came down to show my support.

Definitely a blessing and a pleasure to be here and be apart of this event, man. Paul Mooney, is big. I love having him on the radio show, and I support him 110 percent.

So tell us what brought you out to the Paul Mooney Show?

Well you know, I’ve always been a fan of Paul Mooney. I think he’s hilarious.

We were driving by and we saw, “Hey, Paul Mooney’s going to be here!” We said we’re going to have a little date, tonight.

I’m honored to be here to see this brother do his thing and throw down. He’s a master, and I just love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, show your love, give it up for the Godfather of comedy, Paul Mooney!

That’s yours. It’s you big man. You yeah, ’cause you’re the only one that got that head big enough to wear it, like mine. No, I’m just giving that to you, so you keep that. It’ll be worth something, and I’m serious. ‘Cause I done been there. I done seen them all die. It’ll be worth something. Hold on to it.

I want to get right to it because… White folks, y’all have went crazy. Do you believe the things that come out of white people’s mouth? It’s like this exorcism, like they’re possessed. Saying wild shit. Is it Beck? What’s the white man’s name at the White House? He doesn’t want us to have Martin Luther King. “You don’t own Martin Luther King.” Did you hear him? “We didn’t own Abraham Lincoln.” We know you didn’t own him because he was black. We owned him. We know our own people. That’s why they put him on that penny. They didn’t think he was worth a god damn.

The Indians said it best. “You cannot hide your blood from your people.” Don’t want us to have nothing! We don’t try to take nothin’. White folks, we don’t try to take nothing of yours. Why do they try to take our stuff? We don’t try to take nothin’! We didn’t try to take Elvis. We didn’t try to take Joan of Arc. We didn’t try to take Helen of Troy. We don’t mess with their shit! We do not fuck with they shit. Do we fuck with they shit? Come on, be real! We don’t try to take they shit! They always trying to take our shit and recycle it, and say it’s theirs.

American Idol, it’s so English. It’s so brilliant, American Idol. American Idol is the Apollo with white judges. Keep this shit real!

But always trying to take our stuff. Ain’t that a trip? We just loved us some Tina Turner, remember? They took her. Remember Lionel Richie? We loved him! They took him! They take our shit! I ain’t bullshittin’! If I’m lying, correct me. They took James Brown. Oh, they gave him back. They took O.J. They gave him back! Anything we like, they take! Remember the Cookie man? They took them god damn cookies! Remember Essence? White folks own it. See? The Apollo, white folks own it. BET, almost black television, white folks own it. All we’ve go left is Jet. And, I’m worried about ’em.

White folks, I’m just being open with you. Don’t look crazy. I’m being open! I’m the best black friend you can have. I’m telling you the god damn truth. Stop taking our shit! Can’t we have something? They don’t want us to have a headache. “Take these aspirin!” “You can’t have no god damn headache!”

I’m just bringing it real! I’m putting it on the table. How come white folks, you got to explain this to me. How come what’s on us is ugly, but when it’s on you, it’s cute? Look at this black woman, beautiful, big, full, yours too, full, black, lips, look full on you. “You bangy b!tch.” On the white lady, “Ethnic, the look, full, sexy.” Ain’t that deep? Look at your black skin. Beautiful, black skin. On you, “Oh, black thing.” On the white lady, “Your tan is gorgeous.” Your cornrows on you. “You little pickaninny.” On Bo Derek, “A 10.” Ain’t this shit some shit? I ain’t making it up. Ugly on us and cute on them. “Your big, full, bangy, butt.” “Your big, african ass.” “Ol’ big ol’ af…” “You bangy b!tch!” “White girls, sexy, full.” That a b!tch? What if we’ve been killed on the freeway and white folks come by, “I’ll take those lips.”

It’s a damn shame. We’ve got to fight back. We’ve got to stick with our shit. We’ve got to stick with our beauty. They can’t tell us what’s pretty. We know what pretty is!

Everybody then went crazy. They taking all our folks to jail. They taking them all to jail. I say to you black people that been in jail, or going to jail, don’t be shamed. Don’t be shamed. That’s where they took Jesus. They took him straight to jail. That’s where they took Martin Luther King. They took him straight to jail. Malcom X, they took him. You’ve got good company. You get in jail, be proud! Just me and Jesus!

Taking everything from us! I’m telling y’all black folks, we got to get back. We’ve got to pray ’cause they taking everything. You know prayer is strong. We’ve got to pray! Got to pray ’cause they taking shit!

Who’s that little, skinny, white girl with big lips? She live with Brad Pitt. Angelina! Salt. That b!tch is getting ready to play Salt and Pepper. I can’t make it up! They have just picked her to play Cleopatra. She is the third white woman. First, it was Claudette Colbert. Then, it was Elizabeth Taylor. Now, it’s her. The third white woman. White folks, y’all ought to be ashamed of yourself telling that lie. Cleopatra was black. She was black as Cicely. She was black as Cicely Tyson! She was black! Cleopatra V, she was black. Egyptian. That’s in Africa. That’s not some small village in Sweden. Her daddy was nubian. You keep telling that Greek lie. “She was half Greek.” That’s a lie. She married a Greek for power. She killed him. She never even fucked him. She was a bad, black, b!tch, bad. An arrogant. Her daddy was nubian and proud. She only screwed two men. Cesar and Marc Anthony. If she done screwed anybody else, we would’ve known it ’cause they would’ve been talking about it. She was black. “Aw, that old black b!tch fucked him.” You know how they talk. She went to Egypt. Here entrance into Rome, the gold all that shit them white folks are still talking about it today. She wore them out, and she was arrogant. Cesar, she had children by Cesar. She seduced him and Marc Anthony. Cesar tried to give her a gift, and she wouldn’t accept it. When a b!tch won’t accept a gift that’s a bad b!tch! She said, “A gift?” “What could you possibly give me?” “I am the queen of Egypt.” “That Egypt has not already given me.” Now, that’s some bad shit. You can’t give her a gift? God damn. But they want a white woman to play her.

But I got one better than that. I’m getting ready to drive you all crazy. I got one better than that. Who’s this white woman they say, “She’s the greatest actress ever to step on American stage.” Meryl somebody. What’s her name?

Meryl Streep.

Meryl Streep. Guess who she getting ready to play? Who? Harriet Tubman. I can’t wait for the reviews! I can’t wait. The white reviews. “She was absolutely brilliant!” “The makeup was phenomenal!” “Some of my best friends are black.” “I felt as if she was my best friend.” “When she freed the first slaves, “I got naked in the theatre.” See, you laughing ’cause you know I’m bullshitting you, but that Hollywood so god damn crazy, it might be true.

I saw an old re-run of Bananza. Horse ordered a mail-order bride. Chinese, of course. Then when she got there, guess who she was? Marlo Thomas, I can’t make up no shit like that.

What’s that little, big lip, white actress, got big lips? She was in some movie that I hated because the movie was so offensive. The Blind Side. I was so offended by that movie. I went there, and I thought it was a Stevie Wonder story. It pissed me off. I used to hate her, then I started liking her when I found out she hid that little, black baby. She had a black baby. She hid it from the white world, and then she hid it from her husband. When a white woman can hide a black baby from her husband, that’s a hiding b!tch. I say, when they getting ready to repossess my cadillac, I’m going to let that b!tch hide it. They won’t find it. ‘Cause she could hide some shit! That’s a sneaky, white b!tch. “Sandra, what you doing with that “extra piece of chicken?” “Nothing, nothing.” “Sandra, you can’t eat those 12 watermelons.” “Oh, god.”

Guess who she getting ready to play? Guess who she getting ready to play? Who? That black woman who invented the hot comb. What’s her name? Madam Walker. And, her little, black baby going to co-star. “Here’s a comb, Mama.” “Mama, here the comb.” “It’s hot baby. It’s hot blow on it.”

I’m telling you, these white folks they went crazy. My generation, and I see it’s a bunch of you. You know, we go way back. It’s a bunch of us. Our generation, back in the day, we could’ve been signed with Motown. We were some singing folks, weren’t we? We loved to sing! Ain’t going to let nobody, turn me round, turn me round. Keep on walking, keep on talking. You remember! Come on, y’all! Talking ’bout freedom now. Motown! We shall overcome. We shall… We were some singing! And passive. You slapped us, we’d turn the other cheek. You’d put your dogs on us and we were scared. We were scared to go to jail. We were scared to die, but we could sing. And, white folks loved us ’cause we sang. And, said anything to us. We sang! And, anybody that loved us, they hated it. That’s why they hate Obama so much ’cause we got Kunta Kinte up in that motherfucker. We don’t have Toby, and that’s the problem. What goes around, comes around. I love it. I love every minute of it.

I love my black president. I love him. I love my black president! I love my black president that can walk like a pimp! I love my black president that can play basketball! I love my black president that can GQ his ass off. I like my black president that can wear their sunglasses, got that black wife, with that big, bangy, black ass, and them pretty ass black kids. I love my black president! He’s perfect for America! Perfect! He got them big, white man ears. He looks like Malcom X. He talks like Martin Luther King. Oprah loves him, and he shits apple pie! I love him!

I don’t know where you guys where when he won, but I was in Harlem. That’s where I live, with the white folks. And, we went crazy! We ran up and down them streets all night. “Obama, beat yo mama!” “Obama beat yo mama!” I went stone crazy. I went to the first public bus, and I told them white folks, “Get in the back where you fucking belong!” “Obama is president!” Then, I went to the first soulfood restaraunt ’cause I knew the price of chicken was going way down. I said, “Get me 100 wings for 10 cents b!tch!” “Obama is president!” You better get my black president. My black president can’t do no wrong with me. He’d been in there a year. He’s been Aunt Jemima and god damn Uncle Ben. Cleaning up this shit. This bullshit. “He should bring the troops home.” Bush should bring ’em home, he sent them. Just blaming him for every god damn thing, every move.

God, he got class. He got dignity. He’s smart. I couldn’t. If I was… I’m serious! If I was in that White House, the way they talk about him, if that was me, I’d walk out on that lawn at the White House early one morning, I’d pull my pants and I’d take an old-fashion country shit. I’d shit right on the lawn. Put this on YouTube! For all the news, “The president took a dump this morning.” “The dog went crazy.” Hillary can say, “I’m a woman.” “I’m running for president.” That whore in Alaska can say, “I’m running for vice president.” Obama can’t say he black ’cause if he does, it starts trouble. His blackness will get him in trouble if he says it by association. He can’t go and talk to Farrakhan. Bush could talk to however he want to talk. His whiteness protects him. He’s still the President Bush. He’s still got that white skin. He’s got that color. He’s got the complexion for the protection, for the collection.

Look at that little actress. That little, crazy, drug-addict, little white girl with the big lips. They let her out. What’s her name? Lindsay. Let her out! The jails are overcrowded. Look at this young black girl. Your little black ass wouldn’t be getting out. “We’re overcrowded. Oh, really?” “Tie that black b!tch to a tree.” “She ain’t going nowhere.” “Ain’t no room, make some room.” “The storage place is 19.99 a month.” “Lock that b!tch in one of them rooms.” “They filled up. Bring her to my house.” “I’ve got a double garage. I got one car in there.” “Nickname that b!tch cadillac.” “Put her in there!” “You ain’t going nowhere.” “Ain’t no room.” “Fire the cook, then make the b!tch cook.” “She going to work. She ain’t going nowhere.” “Black b!tch going to cook.” “She ain’t going to do nothin’.” “She going to be right here.” The lying ass, drug-addict. “Somebody stole my passport.” You lying b!tch. If she had stole the truth, “I snorted my passport.” Then I’d believe it. Make more sense. She went to school with my daughter. She went to school with my daughter, Lindsay. Did you know she was an honor student? Did you know that? “Yes, your honor. No, your honor.” If that had been Lil’ Kim, she would’ve went straight to jail the first god damn day. Lil’ Kim lied. Perjury. What the white people say? What the judge say, “Don’t lie to us black b!tch.” “You going to jail.” That was the message. “Black b!tch, don’t lie to us.” Two years. What’s the man in the O.J. trial? Mark Fuhrman, the policeman, he perjurized. He should have got five years. What he get? A book deal and fame. That skin. Complexion, for the protection, for the collection. I’ve known O.J. since he was 18. I knew O.J. when he had his black wife. I knew when the little black child drowned, all that. I met Nicole when she was 18. Cute… but a drug addict and a hoe. Keep it real, and O.J. was taking care of all of them, okay. That shit was about drugs and sex. That’s what that was fucking about, okay. That’s for real. That’s what it was about. A bunch of folks went to jail. and a bunch of folks got killed that night. They didn’t tell you about. Trust me, and Mark Fuhrman… This is just my opinion, Mark Fuhrman was fucking her. I’m sure of it. Drug-addict hoe, okay. What’s the little, white boy that’s got them a little mistake with glasses? Still talk about his family wants to sue. – Kato? Goldman? – Goldman, yeah. He ain’t brought no god damn glasses. It was about drugs. You know she made him suck that pussy. You know that. When they got up there in heaven, they was up in heaven, the both of them, you know what she told him, you know. “I told you this juice would kill ya.” Mean, mean, but funny. And, you black people stop getting this Chris Brown bullshit twisted, and this is not a joke. Stop getting it twisted! That girl beat the shit out that boy. She damn near killed him. He’s lucky to be alive. Them girls from the islands, they’re cute, but they violent and they’re jealous. She beat the shit out that boy. She almost killed him! That’s why that boy bitter. He was scared! You’ll bite when you’re scared. Mike Tyson, scared. He bit. Somebody whooping your ass, you’ll bite. That’s what you do when you’re scared. Bite this motherfucker. You bite when you’re scared. You don’t beat no woman’s ass. That’s after kill. Beat her up, then now I’m a bit you. No. You bite when you’re getting your ass whoop. That’s when you bite! When you’re scared! The girl damn near killed that boy. He’s lucky to be alive. He’s lucky to be here. He lucky she didn’t use that umbrella. You know that b!tch got an umbrella! He’d be singing with Stevie Wonder, now. She’d done put his eyes out. She tried to kill him! She called her girlfriend up. She called Naomi up. She called her. “Get over her, Naomi. Bring your cellphone.” “We whoopin’ some ass tonight.” “Hurry up, it’s a party! Hurry up, baby!” Naomi says, “I’m busy, I can’t come. I’m busy.” “I’m whooping the chauffeur’s ass. I can’t come!” Says, “I’m busy, I can’t come.” “I’m busy shining up my blood diamond.” She damn near killed him. Listen to her new song. Listen to her lyrics, listen to it. She tells on herself. “I had everything ’til I had to beat your ass.” Listen to his lyrics. He tells. The boy got brain damage, listen to him. He thinks he’s a transformer. She’s slick, she’s shroud, and the white folks love them little island girls. They’re light-skin, cute, and they have that Eartha Kitt shit going. They have an accent. They love ’em! But they some shroud b!tches. She got a big, big forehead. You’ve seen her forehead. She was forehead beating him. They don’t leave scars. It’s a damn shame. Black folks, stop getting it confused. If that girl got in the ring with Muhammad Ali’s daughter, she’d beat her ass!

Now, let’s talk about the embarrassment. The embarrassment. Tiger Woods. Embarrassing! He has embarrassed every black man on the planet. He has no game. No pimp game, no street game, no black man game. He is such a little punk. That’s a cry baby. Man up! Man up! Such a little white boy. ” I’m not the only one.” Get the fuck up out of here with that bullshit! Cabacolasian. He know what he is now. Them Asians hurried up and gave him back to us. His daddy must be turning over in his grave. His daddy was black. His daddy married a black woman before he met that Filipino woman. Tiger Woods got black brothers and sisters he don’t even talk about. Keep this shit real. Man up! You see the press conference? “Family and friends.” And he’s the only black thing standing there. Embarrassing! A little punk! He sound like that old singer. That old, I’m sorry. Brenda Lee, he sound like that old b!tch. So sorry. I apologize ’cause I didn’t know. Little sissy! All them white women that he fucked, they should get some dildos and fuck him. He’s a little punk. Man up! Kissin’ that ass. You see him kissing that white man’s ass? At the press conference. Boy, you’ve got billions and trillions of dollars! You don’t have to kiss nobody’s ass! You got money, man up! Man the fuck up! Give me a billion dollars, and press conference me tomorrow morning. Yeah, them white women sucked my dick, and you can suck my dick too! Fuck you! End of press conference! Them white folks will shut that shit down like rats ran in the room. The only thing wrong he did was screwing all them white women. He left them alive. All that money, he could get off on murder. He can get off! A dream team, a dream team. I could hear the dream team, now. “If the rubber don’t fit, you must acquit.” Now, they got him in a sex rehabilitation hospital. What the fuck does that mean? They’re going to cure him? Well, they better get rid of them white nurses ’cause he’ll fuck ’em. If they want to cure him, they better hire some black nurses. Better hire some black nurses, ’cause he says he only fucks black women the month of February and June 10th.

But he married Becky. He married Becky. He married Becky. Becky, nanny, model, slash, hoe. The b!tch was a hoe. Hoes like hoes. That’s why he got busted. You can’t trick a hoe. A hoe can’t trick another hoe! Bring your b!tch ass home, hoe. I know what you’re up to. Bring your ass home. He pissed Becky off. Becky is getting 750 million, okay. More money than ever, ever! If your black ass would’ve been married to Elvis and asked for that kind of money, them white folks would’ve arrested you. “Arrest that b!tch!” “Put her and her kids in jail.” “The b!tch is trying to steal from Elvis.” “Give the b!tch $7.50. Get that b!tch out of here.” “Food stamps and a bus pass, give it to her.” “B!tch ain’t getting no 750 million.” “Is this b!tch on drugs?” Becky’s getting 750 million, and if he brings any of them whores around the kids and ain’t married to one of them, Becky says she can fine him 10 million. I can’t make this up. She getting palimony, alimony. She getting all that shit, and she fining him. Becky, you don’t want to piss Becky off. ‘Cause that boy, let’s keep this shit real. Let’s not be scared. He got a Becky ass whoopin’. That white woman whooped his ass. He’s running around there hitting them white balls with the golf club. That b!tch said, “Give me that club.” “I’m getting ready to hit some black balls.” You know all that shit happened that night. She beat his ass. That white woman beat the black out that boy. That’s why he ran into that tree. All was left was the Asian.

Michael Jackson just had a god damn birthday. Okay, Michael Jackson, and you guys get it out of your head. Look, you tell a lie enough it becomes the truth. These white folks was lying on Michael. Michael was not no god damn pedophile. That’s a god damn lie! He wasn’t no fucking pedophile! All that shit was about money. That first boy admitted it. His parents made him tell that lie. He wan’t no pedophile. Now, he was x-files. Every time I saw him I went, Scully, Scully! Made that boy take his pants off, and look at his penis and all that bullshit. That’s what killed that boy. That’s what started it. Disgracing that boy like that. It’s a damn shame. That was the start of it. That fucking Hollywood, them bastards! I try to keep up, what they say. What they do, and what they try to make us fucking believe. Wait a minute. This what I want to know. So I know I’m not going crazy. Who is this black woman that owns Popeye’s Chicken? Where does she come from? All of a sudden, “Oh my Popeye’s Chicken.” “You buy them,.” “You going to love my biscuits! Oh, Popeye!” Where the hell does she come from? Has she been in the basement all this time? Fry b!tch, fry! Now I see she owns it. Have you seen it? Is she the Pine Sol lady’s sister? Who is she? Is she Uncle Ben’s daughter? Where she come from? Is she Aunt Jemima’s niece? Where she come from? Is she Mrs. Buttermilk’s granddaughter? Well, who is she? “Popeye’s Chicken! Oh my chicken!” Where this b!tch come from? And Aunt Jemima looks like Tyra Banks. They have changed Aunt Jemima’s image. She looks like the next top fucking model! She got a perm. Have you seen her? You wouldn’t think she knew anything about pancakes. I was on an airplane, going to Europe, in first class with some rich, rich white woman. ‘Cause you know when a white woman get rich, they start talking for reals. They some funny b!tches when they get drunk. We was talking about Aunt Jemima. She says, “I don’t give a damn “what that b!tch got on.” “She better get in that kitchen “and cook them pancakes.” “I don’t care what she got on.” “I’ll buy that b!tch a Gucci bag.” “Cook me some pancakes!” Popeye’s chicken! Thank you, you got to help me. I think I be seeing things. Now, you’ve got to help.

Guess who I saw selling furniture on television? That god damn, Magic Johnson. What is up with Magic? Selling furniture! Then I said, he owns Staples, Check Cashing Money Loan Tax, Fat Burger, the theater, those restaurants. I’m serious! God damn! He used to be the poster-child for AIDS. Now, he’s just got his hands in all the business. What kind of AIDS did he have? Financial aids? I WANT IT! I sat down at a big benefit in Hollywood, and white man on crutches hobbled up to that stage, he was pissed. He said, “I’m HIV positive.” “I was so offended.” I said, fuck you! You trouble maker. You didn’t call me when you were getting AIDS, don’t call me when you got it. Everybody going to die, you just know when. Get the fuck up on out of here. I’m not being cold! Everybody in here going to die. All of you going to kick the bucket. You going to die, just wait. Death is coming. But you into that money. You into that illusion of inclusion. You have money. Worshipping that god damn money which it ain’t about shit! Your wealth and your health is in your brain and in your health. The rich man will give you all his money for your health and your sanity. That’s where your wealth is. The one’s that are clapping you know. You other fools, you actually think that money’s something. It’s an illusion. You will never see a Brinks truck following a hearse. You won’t be seeing that. They bury people. They don’t bury money. Merv Griffin had all the money. All of it! Didn’t keep any of it. He gone. That big, titty, white lady had all the money. She’s gone. Christina Onassis had more money than all of them. Gone! You cannot take it with you. But you must give the Egyptians an A for effort. They tried to take that shit with them. My grandkids, my kids, they ain’t like us. They ain’t like us. They ain’t scared to die. They ain’t scared of no god damn dogs. White folks, tell them they can’t ride on the bus. Go tell them. You a bad motherfucker? Go tell them. Those little hip-hoppers. The ones that wear their pants… Go tell them they can’t ride on the bus. Go on tell them. Ain’t going to be no bus. Everybody going to walk to school! They will tear that god damn, shoot, kill everybody on the bus. They’ll burn that motherfucker up. Everybody have to walk. Ain’t going to be no god damn bus. No singing, they don’t give a damn! White folks, go tell them they can’t drink in the white drinking fountain. Go tell them that. You can’t drink here. Then, bring your ass up there to drink. There’ve been some bad, little motherfuckers. Those care nothing about jail. Don’t care about going to jail. That’s a plus, not a minus. They don’t care about no god damn jail. And bring your little German Shepherds, bring ’em. They got pitbulls! They’ll chase you and your German Shepherd! These two little, young white b!tches, you should see your faces, they’re like this. You know I’m telling you the god damn truth. You got them little black friends. You know how crazy they are. They crazy! Care about no god damn German Shepherds. I’m from that old school. Them white folks love them dogs. They love them dogs. They used to sick them German Shepherds on you. Just trying to get us. I’m a human being. Nobody protested that. They just back there hiding. “Sick ’em. Get ’em.” I remember them dogs, I don’t give a damn about a dog! I’ll choke the shit out of a dog! I remember them dogs. I’ll give a dog to a Chinese family. Give a damn about no puppy. I’ll run a puppy over. Back up, make sure it’s dead. ‘Cause white folks will take a baby and leave it in a garbage can in front of the fire department. “Give a damn about no baby.” “Fuck that baby. I didn’t want that baby.” But not a puppy! They just did it the other day. The man hit and ran, and hit people and ran. Hit ’em and ran! They won’t hit a puppy. They know they going to hell if they hit a puppy. They’ll leave the dog, they’ll leave the cat, all the money. Fuck the grandkids, they’ll leave the cat millions of motherfucking dollars! They taking everybody to jail. What’s the little rapper’s name? Little somebody, what’s his name? Lil’ Wayne! They took Lil’ Wayne’s ass to jail! Lil’ Wayne! Locked him up! Heavy security, trying to keep him from big Wayne. They are just on that television. These white folks, the things that come out these white folks mouth. It’s too much. That brother that went crazy. That brother that went crazy on his child ’cause they kept calling him the N word. That boy, and his little white girlfriend. She told, “Leroy, come home please.” “They’re just so racial, they so racial.” He got tired of that shit. Called his mom and told, he wish he could kill some more white folks. Won’t be calling him that no more. He went crazy. He went postal. But the only good thing about it, it’s just horrible, I don’t want nobody killing nobody. That’s horrible, but the good thing them two or three black folks that work with him, they could do whatever they want. Come late, they can do it. Ain’t going to be no problem. “Go on, take your Christmas “and your New Year, take all your vacation.” “Your job is still here. Come back when you want to.” “Your job is here.” You could get killed. “Your job is still there.”

Oh my god, brother. They are trying to pick somebody to play Elizabeth Taylor. They can forget it. Ain’t nobody pretty enough. Who’s pretty enough to play Elizabeth Taylor? They going to show that b!tches old movie. None of them white b!tches in Hollywood, with all that fake shit, they can’t play Liz. Liz wasn’t fake. That was a pretty ass white woman, and big ass titties, real titties. That we never saw, just cleavage and diamonds, and rubies. That b!tch worked them big titties. We never saw ’em. Now, them hundred men she married, they saw them big ol’ titties! Liz is too pretty. They can’t find nobody. I’m sorry, brother. There ain’t nobody that comes god damn close. She too pretty. They’ll have to show her old movies. She was a freak of nature ’cause she was English. You know the English are not attractive. Starting with that ugly ass queen. That’s an ugly b!tch. Come on, be real. That b!tch look like sheep shit in shallow ass water. She ugly, her mama was ugly, her daddy was ugly, her son is ugly, his new wife look like Dane Edna. These some ugly motherfuckers. Keep it real! Ugly! If she’s the queen, what the fuck does the witch look like? Ugly b!tch! Ain’t going to get me to say that b!tch is cute. ‘Cause she white, you want me to, she’s a… No, ugly ass, stank, look like a billy goat. She looks like Chelsea’s mama. Ooh, my ass! That’s another ugly white b!tch. She ugly. She’s ugly by white standards. Here own race say she ugly, but don’t be made at me. She ugly! I saw the wedding veils, of so many god damn veils, she don’t want no helicopters at the wedding. No cameras, b!tch! That’s don’t want to do, now. Y’all are scared. You’re scared! Master, Paul goin’ get us in trouble, Master. That b!tch is ugly! You be scared! I ain’t scared! I ain’t scared. White folks love you when you’re scared. There’s only two kinds of black people in America, today. You either running free, or you running scared. How you running? I’m not dumb. Race has nothing to do with color. I ain’t stupid. ‘Cause there’s a bunch of you black-anglo-saxons. Their skin is black, but that brain is white. When I get mad at you guess what I call you? You graham cracker motherfucker. Dr. Laura going to make me like Mel Gibson. And, you know he’s crazy as cat shit. Another one that pisses me off, that god damn prostitute over there in Alaska. That hoe ass b!tch! That tramp ass b!tch! Hoe, hoe! I’m from the streets. I was raised with pimps. I know a hoe when I see one. Hoe, slut, tramp, no respect! Don’t have no respect for Obama. Up there talking about God and all that perpetrating, little devil worshiping b!tch. She don’t fool me. A hoe. Talking about she can see Russia from her window. No, b!tch. You can see ’em in your bedroom. You’re fucking them motherfuckers! You tramp ass b!tch! A hoe, tramp, slut, hoe. Suck a dick, b!tch, and do Playboy. She don’t have no respect for my black president, and I don’t have a god damn respect for her whorish ass. The apple don’t fall far from the tree. The daughter’s a hoe too, another hoe. That white boy wasn’t going to marry that tramp. He just wanted the pussy. He was playing that b!tch. Now, that old white woman ain’t had none of them babies. That young girl had all them babies. That’s why one of them’s illy formed. Keep the shit real. Keep this shit real! I’m taking you back. You know illy formed. You know what I’m talking about. It’s dark up there nine months out the year. That’s all they do is fuck up there. Ain’t nothing up there but hoes and vampires. I see some of your black faces. Oh, master. Paul’s goin’ get us in trouble, master. Master. Is we sick, master? This oil. This oil. I didn’t know oil scared white folks. I would’ve spilt some oil along time ago. Always messing up shit and want somebody to help. That white man’s so good at tearing up shit, ruining shit, the atmosphere and everything. Just fucks up everything, then wants you to hold hands and sing, and help him, and green, and saving the polar bears, there’s only two and help. If I see a polar bear, it ain’t going to be but one, I’ll kill it. Helping that white man. I didn’t help you fuck this up. I ain’t helping you cleaning up shit. When I leave my house, I turn all the water on. Hope there ain’t no water when I get back home. I drive all day up and down that freeway, just throwing shit out. Pick this up, pick this up. All that shit you see out there on the freeway, I’m the one throwing that shit out. He want you to hold hands, and sing, and green. I’m not into all that. Fuck that. He loves to tear shit up, and then sing about he wants you to help him. ‘Cause white folks like it when it was white, that’s when they’re the most happy. That’s when they’re at their most happiest. You got to study their body language, when they were running this shit back in the day. Go back. Go back to Miss America, remember? Remember Bert Parks, remember? White people were in white heaven. Oh, there… The body language. There she is Miss America! Sing it, Bert! Oh, there she is… And she was blond, they were white white. Miss… They were so happy. They tickled just tickled pink. Miss America. Sing it, Bert! Get it, Bert! Oh, there… And, I told you God always has to intervene. God got involved in that, and made Miss America black five years, straight in a row, remember? You remember. You remember. White folks fired Bert Parks. They got mad. “There’s going to be no more singing.” “Get your ass out! We don’t need you!” Bert Parks got fired. It became verbal, and it was mean. “There she is.” “Oh, black thing. There she is.” “Officer, there she is, officer.” They were not into that. But God always gets involved. Who’s that Miss USA? The little white drug-addict, remember her? I loved her! Wasn’t she your favorite? That was my favorite Miss whatever it was. Hun, what’s your talent? My favorite, my favorite. See that little white girl. That little big lip, white girl. She was in Miss what was it? Miss something. Just recently, and she lost ’cause they asked her a question about Arizona, and she said, “Yeah, states should have its rights.” They voted against her. They got pissed off. She lost. She was cute. The little foreign girl won, but that little white girl was cute. She could have won. I wish she let me write for her. She would’ve won. All she had to say is, my Indian friend said they hope everybody goes home. She would have won! The press would’ve ate it up! Brilliant, diplomatic, but she had to be a stupid b!tch. “States should have their rights.” States do not dominate human rights. It don’t work that way. Just read history. It don’t work. I want to tell you this, I’m not dumb. I do race, and I talk about… It has nothing to do with me. I’m reacting to my environment that I’m in, all of it. It’s not a clean up. I understand it, but I’m not stupid. I know that we are all in this together, black, white, fat, skinny, whatever it is. Because trust me, we are either going to hang together or we going to hang separately. But guess what kids. We’re going to hang! Because these motherfuckers up in that politics, are crazy! They don’t give a damn about nobody. We should have a revolution every four years. We should go up in that White House and chop off heads. They’d act right then. Every four years, we go in and chop some heads off. Hurry, hurry! Put the money back! They’re coming! Put the money back! ‘Cause they thing they can just say and do whatever they want to, that we don’t count. Look at history. No outside country attacked Russia. Russia fell what? Internally. Because the way they were treating their people. This race shit is going to be our downfall. If we don’t get this shit together, we at war right now. We at war. Those people are fish bowling us. We at war! We talking democracy and freedom, and they watching our every fucking move. This racial shit, we better put it on hold. We could get back to it after the war, but we better put this shit on hold. ‘Cause I travel all over the world, all over the god damn United States, and I remember when going to the airport and all that was fun. Now, I get sick, stomach ache, cramps. I get fucked up when I got to go to the god damn airport. When I used to leave the county back in the day, before 9-11, I leave the country, I get into another country, I’d be there five minutes and I’ll have an accent. Be there in France and England, I come back with an accent in five minutes. Well, the shit has changed. Now, I leave with an accent. No English. No English. Did you get your census papers? It’s against the law if you don’t mail it back. Did you know that? What they ask you? What’s the first thing they ask you? Any Indians in the house? These white folks are still looking for Indians. I got on the phone. I called them. I said, I thought you killed them all! ‘Cause remember when we was kids? One little, two little, three little… Remember, we was killing them motherfuckers. There ain’t none now, remember? One little, two little, three… Remember? Now, you have to go. If you put down, yeah there are three Indians in my house, that next morning. Yes. We’ve come for the Indians. Them motherfuckers want some Indians. I tried to figure it out. I said, how come these white folks hate Indians so much. I figured it out. You cannot make an Indian a slave that’s why. Indians go catatonic on your ass. There not going to move until you open up that casino. Trump and the boys did not want those Indians to have casinos. They had propaganda. They had commercials. They did not want… It was okay for the white folks to have them. They didn’t want those Indians to have them. I don’t know if they came here, but in California and New York, they were on TV every 10 minutes. I can’t make this shit up. I ain’t this good. “The Indians.” “They made over 80 million dollars this year.” “They’re not paying taxes.” “I didn’t vote for that.” White folks showed that. I said, how come they can’t let the Indians make their commercial. The white man stole our land. They’re not paying rent. I didn’t vote for that. How ’bout that? How ’bout that? Indians were no joke! Indians were not punks. They rode horses bareback. That’s some macho, tough, bad motherfucker. I’m talking about, they rode them four or five years. You think you’re bad and macho. Go ride a horse bareback right now. Do it for 15 minutes. You will be in the hospital for two years, all your shit will be fucked up. You’ll have to get skin graphs, new balls. Go on! 15 minutes! You tough! Go ahead, bareback! They were no joke, and the bow and arrows were no joke either. If they had guns, we’d all be sitting here with a piece of pipe and feathers. Bow and arrows were no joke. Them white folks be on them stage coach. “Haven’t seen my family in eight months.” “I can’t wait to get home.” Don’t you black people think you the first person the white man put out there to pick cotton. You weren’t the first. There was a huge audition for that. They put the white folks out there. They b!tched, they complained about the sun. They wanted their lawyers. I’m not going to sing and pick cotton. You’re not fucking my wife. This is bullshit! They complained and complained, and they got rid of them. Chinese ran off. Mexicans kept picking oranges. No, cotton! Amigo, cotton! Here we come, picking ’em and singing. My god! They’re singing. They must like it. God knows what He’s doing. Look at the full picture. God picked us to be the slaves because we could handle it. That’s why, we could handle it. We the baddest race on the planet. If the white folks would’ve been slaves, the shit would’ve ended in 20 minutes. Chains, and it’s not gold! Call my lawyer! Get your things, Susan. We’re out of here. You know, I am the very first person to say that Clinton, President Clinton, was a black person. I did it on the Apollo. I have it on film. I did. Everybody sound bited it, and recycled, and hopped on that shit, and pretended it came from them. That was me. I had a whole list to why I thought he was black. I’ve changed it since then. He’s a pimp. He makes pimp moves. The government, everybody trying to get them Asian girls, remember? They would not give them up. He went over like a pimp. Give me my b!tches, and they gave ’em up. You know, his M.O. It was some dick sucking on that plane. You know he told them Asian girls. Let’s make this a happy ending. I love me some Madonna! I went to Vegas. I love some Madonna. That old b!tch. I love Madonna. I love her ’cause she stole that black baby from Africa. When over there, vogue, vogue, vogue. Africans were fascinated with her moves. Vogue! They looked up, and that black baby was gone. You seen her with that black baby! It looks scared! Like it’s looking for it’s real parents. I love Madonna ’cause she’s real, and she’ll change up on your ass. She was over there in England faking it for 10 years, married to an English man. Yes, of course. It’s England, and tea time. Then reality set in. Madonna said, “Wait a minute.” “Let me divorce this motherfucker.” “This tea ain’t for me.” She said, “I’m going home. I want some dick.” “I want some big dick, thick dick.” “I’m going home.” She got that ballplayer. What’s his name? Yeah! She fucking him like a virgin. Get him, Madonna. It was funny up until she was fucking that brother. Y’all got real quiet. Where in the hell are these diseases coming from? Now they got some new shit on TV. Where these diseases coming from? The flu, the swine, the this, the lyme. Where this shit come from? All of sudden, all these god damn diseases. Where was these diseases when we could’ve used them? In slavery. Master, I’s a slave? I got alzheimer’s. Master, I forgot. Where was this shit when we could use it? What’s that shit, you just say shit? Tourette? What is it called? Yeah. Whatever that shit’s called. What’s it called? – Tourette. – Fuck you, Master! Fuck you! Where is this shit when we could’ve used it? What’s the stuff you get with your hands? What is it called? Yeah! Master, I can’t. I got carpal tunnel. I can’t pick cotton, master. Master, I got Michael Jackson disease. You know white folks don’t pick cotton. Where is this shit when we could’ve used it? You know the one thing. You know the one thing… You ain’t going to even guess why. You know the one thing about white people that really pisses me off about white people? And really insults me. Their cooking shows. These motherfuckers can cook! Have you seen their shows? They cook their ass off! But back in slavery, they act like they couldn’t boil water. I can’t boil water. Let Aunt Jemima do it. She’s sick. Well, get Uncle Ben to do it. I can’t do this. They must’ve been in the bedroom making so much fun about us while we down there cooking. You motherfuckers think we can’t cook. Ain’t that a b!tch. They can cook they ass off. All that time, tricking us. Some dirty motherfuckers. Watch the shows! Every fucking channel. Am I wrong? Cooking this, cooking that. I said, look at this shit! These motherfuckers can cook! It’s dumb. Always trying to keep people fucking dumb. Why they all… This racial profiling, why they all acting shock like this is new? Shooting in the back, all this bullshit. Why is this new? When have you ever read where an off duty, black cop, has shot a white cop in the back?



It don’t happen. It doesn’t happen, but it sure happens the other way around. And, who hates who? White folks are safe in our neighborhood. They could walk around at night naked. We ain’t safe in theirs. Keep it real. Who hates who? Do you live here? That racial profiling shit. Do you live in the area? Do you? What is where I live have to do with this red light? Here’s my license, my registration, my insurance, what is all this other shit? What does it matter where I work? Where are you going? I’m driving ’til I run out of gas. I don’t have to tell you where I’m going. No, sir. We’re just curious. If I tell you where I’m going, I’m going to get in trouble. Why is that, sir? ‘Cause I’m on my way to your house, b!tch. Every minority in here, you all have got stories. You know the police, and what they talk, and the way they act, and the shit they’ve said, and the dis-refucking-respect, and the craziness. I cannot make this up. I’m not this good. I’ve been in the car with a car full of white folks. I’m riding shotgun. They pull us over. The police ask me for my license. I’m not even driving this motherfucker! Then asking the white folks, are you safe? Are they safe? I could be in a car full of white folks, help, help! Police will come by, “Shut up! You must’ve did something!” I’m in the car, two seater, Mercedes, Hollywood. The Mercedes cost 150 thousand, them bad motherfuckers. My drunk, rich, white friend, and I’m glad the police pulled us over, this motherfucker’s drunk. They take me to jail. I said, He’s drunk! “You influenced him. Come with us!” Then, you got to be double-jointed, and in the circus to pass that driving test. That drunk thing, you know. Put your leg up, touch your, go backwards, bend over, stretch over, say your ABCs in German, French, and African. Then, you get out, and the drunk test they scare you to death. “WALK A STRAIGHT LINE!” I ran. Don’t give me no head start. It’s dark too. They still standing there. “I guess he wasn’t drunk.” It’s hard being black. I’ve been black for a long time. I’m tired, I’m exhausted. I could go to the emergency hospital right now and just drop dead. What happened? He was tired of being black. It’s hard! Got to go through all kind of bullshit every fucking day of your god damn life! I’m going on an interview. You know I can’t make this up. I got a shirt and tie, you know how we do, when we trying to get something. I’m dressed up, and I got my car parked to a white woman. She dressed. This white woman sees me. I can’t make this up! Turns around and runs! I chased that b!tch for 15 blocks. She took her shoes off running! If she’d have been in the Olympics, she would’ve won all the god damn gold. We go in the store. We start a parade. They start talking in tongue, we pass by shit. I’m in New York, I’m coming to do somebody’s show at a five star hotel, and I’m getting… It’s seven in the morning, and I’m getting on the elevator. A woman, she’s about 36, latin, she’s getting off, and she says to me, “Can I help you?” I said, can you help me? Who in the fuck are you? “I’m the maid on the 5th floor.” I said, well b!tch go make up a bed, and get the fuck out my face. She was telling me, I’m not where I’m suppose to be. B!tch! It doesn’t have to be white people. It can be black people. I’m in first class up at the god damn airport. The b!tch going to tell me, “Do you know what line you’re in?” I said, b!tch do I look like Stevie Wonder? I know what line I’m in, and you can’t wait on me. Get your fucking manager! I don’t like your attitude, the way you talk. Listen, when I get a god damn first class ticket that fucking machine they all know everything. They know it before I get up there. They know. Ask me no god damn, silly ass question. I get in first class and the stewardess going to come up to me and say, “Can I see your first class ticket?” I said, yes. But I ain’t pulling it out my pocket, but I’m saying, yes. “Can I see it?” I go, yes. “Well, give it to me.” I said, I will when you ask everybody else on here to see theirs. She came back muted. ‘Cause white folks are slick with words, they’ll get you. This what they’ll say to you, “When is the first time you had syphillis?” They won’t ask you, have you ever had it? That’s a different question. I was like, I think 16, maybe not 17, and a psychiatrist was talking to me. The psychiatrist got to talking about sex and all this other stuff, right. So, I thought he was playing the dozen because he said, “Well have you ever “seen your mama naked?” Now, you know you don’t talk about my mama. I said, well motherfucker, have you ever seen your mama’s sloppy ass pussy? I started playing the dozen with this motherfucker. I said, your mama’s stinky, motherfuckin’ ass. When I left the office, I told them, there’s a freak up in that motherfucker! My mama! You know I went off! White folks can’t ask me, you’ve seen me on that tube, you can’t ask me too much. You better stay away from me when you get to asking questions. Ask somebody else ’cause I’m getting ready to off! I was on some show, The Talk Room, some shit, and white boy got in my face. “Well, what is it you want from me, Paul?” I said, I want your mama, b!tch! That’s what I want. If you’re going to declare war, declare it.

I was on CNN. CNN goes all over the world. Pigmies watch CNN. It’s about the N word. The white woman went all up in my face. “Now, Paul.” “When someone white says the N word…” No, it doesn’t bother me. She got mad. She wanted to hear some other shit. She kept coming, I said to myself, I’m going to get this b!tch. “Well, Paul. It doesn’t bother you, why?” And, she was close enough to kiss me. I said, why. ‘Cause I like a little salt on my cracker. I called that b!tch a cracker, and she dropped the mic, and all the lights went off. It was 20 cameras and 90 lights while they was saying the N word. Minute I called that b!tch a cracker, everything shut down. Then they asked me about BET. “Well, why do you go on BET, Paul?” “What do you think?” Like, they used to own us. “Thanks, Paul.” White folks are slick. Then they said this. White folks are slick. “Now, Paul. We know there’s a racial problem.” “What if you can handle it, you can control it, “how would you handle it?” Now it’s a clean up time. It’s cooning time. I’m suppose to coon now. The coon door opened. I said, how? Kill every white person on this planet. They said to end racism. That’s the only way. “Well, Paul. You couldn’t mean that?” “Your mother could be white.” I’d have to kill that b!tch too. “Well, Paul. Can’t we be friends?” Yeah, when I get even. I’m going to wear the tight shoe, and you ain’t no better than me, you going to wear the tight shoe too. ‘Cause human beings are a trip. He could be my best friend. I could go to him and say, my brother’s fucking my wife, and he’ll go, “That’s the most horrible “and saddest thing I’ve heard this year.” But if I go to him and tell him, my brother’s fucking your wife. He’ll go, “I’m going to kill that motherfucker!” See the difference? See the difference? Race means everything in America. When you have the complexion for the protection, for the collection, that white skin will protect you. That’s why when I see homeless white people I just start crying. What a waste of white skin. Everybody talks crazy when it comes to race. You black people talk real crazy. “My Indian grandmother…” Fuck you and your Indian grandmother. Always leaving Africa out the picture ’cause that’s a negative to you. Well, it should be the positive, but it’s the negative. We got to re-brainwash ourselves. We have to re-brainwash ourselves. Race. Hawaiians, we’re Samoans. Yeah, some more black people. The Filipinos, negritos. And you black people from the islands, I don’t care if you right up here. You think that you’re better than us ’cause they dropped you off first. Don’t let the Asians fool you. Rice didn’t come from them. Rice came from Africa. We introduced rice too white folks to in slavery. We threw the rice at the Asians. They were terrified. “Don’t touch it. Pick it up with sticks.” The rest is history. Race is a trip. Mexicans was thinking they was white folks. They forgotten about the Alamo. The burrito can stay. You have to go motherfucker. Vámanos, ándale, pronto! Race is deep. All my Puerto Rican friends, “I’m Spanish.” Oh, a tall Mexican. “No, I mean I’m Spanish.” I thought that was a language. What am I speaking? – English. – Couldn’t I talk crazy? – I’m English, really I am. I speak it. I rest my case. Everybody gets it twisted. If you take an African zebra to Canada, it does not make it a Canadian zebra. It makes it an African zebra living in Canada. Don’t get it twisted. Don’t get it twisted. Salsa is an African love dance. It’s not up for discussion. It’s what the fuck it is. Keep it real. Keep it fucking real. Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans, ain’t nothing but black folks that can swim. Africans, I can’t stand Africans. I don’t like Africans ’cause they have attitude. They have attitude towards us, and they act like they mad at us. You got it twisted. We are mad at you. We waited, and nobody came for us! You punk motherfuckers! Any other race would’ve declared war on America, and asked for their people back. Africans wrote us off like a bad check. Then they going to show up 400 years later with a briefcase full of watches. I don’t need no god damn watch. I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS! I don’t know if it was NBC or CBS, one of them white shows, networks, they had it on there about kids and race. Everybody went into shock. Just recycling and coping that black woman and young black girl that did the doll test.

Our little black kids, they’re brainwashed. We’ve got work to do, black folks. They think black is evil, and ugly, and bad. I saw that shit. They just asked the wrong questions. I wish I could’ve been there. Where’s the little serial killer doll? The white one. Where’s the little doll that tell lies? The white one. Where’s the little doll that steals all the money? The white one. They’d a told me to get the hell out the room. “You leave! We don’t have enough white dolls!” “Get out of here!” Where’s the little rich doll that does drugs and goes to jail? The white one. Where’s the little doll that fucks the president? The white one. The children, the children! Listen to them. They’re trying to talk to us. Listen to the children. They’re speaking. The children are speaking. They’re speaking. The children are speaking. A six-year-old girl walked into her mother’s bedroom, and mama was giving daddy head like Linda Lovelace. She was with her seven-year-old friend. She went into shock, said, “Would you believe that b!tch beat my ass for sucking my thumb?” The children, listen to them. A 12-year-old girl, sit down and write a letter with her mother, to God. She wanted a bicycle, said, “Dear, God.” “I want a motherfucking bike.” Her mother was in shock. “Are you a gang member?” “Where did you learn to talk like that?” “We’re catholic, we’re christians.” “You go to mass, you confess and you come back.” The little girl went to mass, she confessed. You’ve been up in there. She saw those statues of Jesus and Mary, she stole them both. She went home. She said, “I’m going to write a letter to God.” “Dear, God.” “I got your son, his mama, “and I want my motherfucking bike.” The children, listen to them. A 12-year-old boy walks into his daddy’s bedroom. Daddy’s giving mama, pumping her, not missing a beat, tearing it up. Little boy’s in shock. It’s his mother. Daddy looks over at his son. He don’t care. He just laughs. Keeps stroking her and winks. 12 weeks later, he goes into the little boy’s bedroom. Little boy’s got grandma spread eagle tearing it up. Daddy’s like you, in shock. Little boy looks at his daddy said, “Ain’t so funny when it’s your mama, huh?” Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

* * *

Awesome! It was wonderful.

It was incredible. I mean, Paul Mooney, he’s classic. Enlightening, absolutely enlightening.

Paul Mooney is the best, man. He keeps it real. That’s what I like about the brother. He keeps it real, and he’s a legend. Paul, what I’ve loved about you so much is that you really are just an incredible political satirist. Let’s talk about our president.

Who? Bush?

Barack Obama. They killed him the same night he won.

What do you mean? Is that a fake Barack Obama out there.

That is an android.

A who? Hit the music! That’s a robot. You haven’t seen them white folks movies? The government’s on their way, right now.

The show was off the chain. Paul Mooney’s a legend. My stomach hurts from laughter. I’m tired. He wore us out. We’re clowning in the backstage area of the legendary Paul Mooney. That’s right, legendary writer, also a legendary comedian himself. He had a lot of funny stuff. I know he had the one about if black people could fly, they’d all look like crows.

We love Paul Mooney! We love Paul Mooney!


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