Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) – Transcript

Transcript of 'Elephant in the Room', stand up special by comedian Patrice O'Neal, released by Comedy Central. It premiered on February 19, 2011

[Light funk music] *

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to come out, “oh, hey, hello.” Henh. Meh. Meh, meh. Meh, yeah. Oh, y’all here? Yeh, huh, meh. [Growls] You look lovely, though, by the way. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Congratulations, my friend. I’m glad y’all here. It’s very good. Yo, congratulations to you, my friend. Look at that white woman you’re with. God damn! That n i g g a behind you going, “yeah, son, I’m wit’ my girl, but yo, for real?” That white woman’s amazing, isn’t she? Tell the truth! He’s wit’ his black girlfriend, like, “naw, I don’t– I don’t know.” But that, she’s high level. That’s a high level white woman right there. That white woman is– that is– man, oh, man, oh, man! Black woman get mad at that. But that is top shelf white woman right there. You know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is?

The value? You look at her, and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing.

[Laughter and applause]

Come on, take a look. Take a look. Look at this n i g g a lookin’. Look, look, look, look! Oo-ooooo. I saw you look mad, sweetie. How long, if you was missin’, how long you think they would– how long you think– exac– she don’t even– she went– you know the deal. I ain’t saying nothin’ wrong. White woman’s life is valuable. What’s his name, Joran van der Sloot? Right? We found out he was a serial kill– man, he kills women. That’s what he do. He do it well, you know what I mean? We know the girl that he– that he, you know, supposedly had, uh– what’s the girl in Aruba? Natalee Holloway. Right? But the one– he just killed a girl in Peru. What’s her name? Um… Exactly. Look how fast you said Natalee. You said Natalee! * Natalee-e-e * Hollowa-a-a-ay * that angellll y’all said that like Family Feud. A’ight, name a white girl been missing for five years in Aruba. Ff–Natalee Holloway! Survey says… Name a Peruvian girl that was killed yesterday. What is that big-head, third world Peruvian bitch’s name? Has to be Yorris or something goofy.

Don’t get mad at yourself. I gave it to you. You saw how fast she said Natalee Holloway. Diana Ross right here said Nat– she knew her name! Ha! [Hoarse feminine voice] “That white girl was Natalee Holloway!” Man, you caught yourself a whoo!

God bless you, man. That is high level, right there. Don’t be ashamed of it, gorgeous. She mad as hell. [Nasal effeminate voice] “Fuck that white bitch. Nuh, nuh, nuh.” You know–come on. Come on. Ain’t nobody lookin’ for you. I might look for ya. But the news ain’t. You– [grunts] You think Fox is reporting you missing? Let’s be honest. Nancy grace? She lead story on Nancy Grace for the next six months. Look at ‘er. Look, look, look, look. I’m lookin’ at her ’cause she mad as hell. Black woman don’t like that shit. But it is what it is. Let’s be– ain’t gotta be like that.

Let’s just– let’s be honest. That little girl that went missing, um– she was sailing? Little girl that went sailing, oh, forgot her damn name. But she went sailing and went missin’ in the Indian ocean, okay? And they spent… Good lord. Her mast broke, and she was floatin’ around. And she gave out her little signal, her beacon. They looked for her– they spent $500,000, like, tax money, to search for her. Now, if that’s my daughter, I want that to happen too. But–but… If you go sailing… Let’s be honest, how long you think– are they gonna spend five– come on.

Remember– hey, remember football players in Miami went missing? They went sailing. They looked for them for eight minutes. Maybe. They just sent somebody at the edge of the beach. “I don’t– “I don’t see ’em. “We have to call off the search “’cause there’s too much sun. “Uh, this sun, “the conditions are abnormally… difficult.” If I go sailing, I’m taking a white baby on a keychain with me. Ha, ha! If my boat go down, they gon’ find me. I’ma have it hooked right to the side of my belt. And I’ma dress the baby real white too. I’ma, uh, put sweatpants on it and a pair of Ugg boots, and I’ma take a picture. Look at this white baby. You don’t come get me, this white baby goin’ down with me.

I hate how much fun black people can have racially, man. It’s just– I can say anything I goddamn want, racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. “Yeah, oh, I am evil, yes.” See, it’s like, come on, man. I-I don’t even say it ’cause of that. I, like– I-I-I love– I love a little racial– look, man, you know. Let’s be fair. I mean– [sighs] Honesty’d be nicer with the racial game. I mean, it–it–it– I like to st–ho– you know, white people about being honest about, uh, Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. Like, “oh, yeah, I tried. I tried to– we tried to–” but you– it’s not– it’s not–it’s just f– it fell apart. It really– it really did.

And I’ma tell you something you don’t know about black folks. We would be on your side, uh, you know, talkin’ to white people. We would be on your side a lot more if you would, uh, you know, just not ever talk about how you feel about anything racial. We’ll catch up to you. Now, serious. ‘Cause black people on the edge of going, “what the fuck is Obama doing?” But it’s too many white people outwardly hating him, so we can’t. We go, “if you shut the fuck– if you shut up, I’ll be your gangsta.” I’m like, “stop– stop having rallies and all kinds of stuff.” I’m telling you, I’m this close to– I’m mad at him ’cause I thought I would have a white slave by now. I thought– I thought it was vengeance day. Thought I’d have me a white family. Big ol’ fat white girl gon’ warm my bed up. “Get upstairs, Susan. “Warm my bed up. “Feed my baby wit’ your giant white titties. “And I’m gonna go outside “and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I’m gonna sell him or not.” “Now, you know your wife’s upstairs, “warmin’ up my bed. “You know that, right? Ph–Ph–Phillip.”

That’s uncomfortable, isn’t it? That’s uncom– that’s uncomfortable. I apologize. That’s uncomfortable. Can’t we move on? We’ll move on. We’ll move on to somethin’. They don’t even like that in play. That’s uncomfortable, right? To think about that? But you know. What you gonna do? I like havin’– look, day– my days are numbered. So I just wanna have as much fun as possible, you know what I mean? I’m–I’m 40, and, uh, and that’s–that’s– that’s young in everyone else years. But, uh, in black years– I got, you know, high blood pressure. Diabetes. I am, uh– if you do the black-to-white life ratio, I’m a hundred… and seventy-seven year old. I’m old as a motherfu– I’m old.

And I wanna live, but here’s where I messed up. I messed up my young years. And I realized something. I’ma tell you, if you’re over 40, and you’re trying to better yourself, just–just sto– i–it–just–just– you’re not gonna better yourself. And when I say you’re not gonna better yourself, I mean better yourself like go back to when– you try to capture the things you used to do when you supposed to had did it, but you didn’t do it. You feel me? So the stuff that you were 18 and didn’t do, now you’re 40, and you’re going, “I’m gonna make a chan–” it’s just– it nothin’ make me sick more than somebody 40 and say they in school. Like, “what you doing?” “I’m–I’m going to school, blah.” [Geezer voice] “you’re never too young to– never too old, and never too bl-bl-bl.” Whole bunch of sayings. [Babbling incoherently] Shut the fu– the fuck up wit’ your old horse shit. ‘Cause it ain’t– you’re old. Your brain don’t work. Your body don’t work. You can’t change your ethic. There might be two of you that changed your ethic. Like these fat people shows that are on tv. Where they got people, “uugggh.” Soon as that show is over, they’re fat again. Big fat fats. Fatty, that’s what you are.

I went to exercise recently, and I tried to change my life and exercise. After I finished, I was saying to myself, “I gotta do this tomorrow?” Like, nothing changed. I still got s– a lump. I don’t care what it was. Something shoulda changed. Nothing. And I gotta keep doing this until maybe I see a change. I just can’t. I don’t have that ethic anymore. I shoulda did it when I was 18 years old.

Like, I can’t type. But I didn’t realize how important typing was till right now. I fucked up all my good typing years calling people gay who was going to typing class. It was, like, me and six other dudes, like, “what you doing, typ– “you wanna be a secretary? What the–? “What kinda pussy–? “Man, man, come on, man. Let’s go, uh, steal bread.” We used to go steal bread and lunchmeat from the supermarket and make sandwiches and sell ’em during typing class. And now I can’t type. If you can’t type, and you try to be in a world with people who can, you–you– you feel irrelevant. You stop, you know? You say hello to some woman on the internet. “Hi.” And she come back with the seven-page memo. Like, “hello,” whap! You be like, really? For real? All those words? You saw me type, “hello.” And I yelled it, evidently. I–in big letters, it was saying hello. Really, seriously, you think I said, “hello! Hiiii, bitch! Hiiiii!” Is that what you think I did, for real? Yeah, really? Just send smiley faces, that’s all I do. I know smiley emoticons. I know. I love those.

Like, I can’t spell– if I had to spell restaurant, to this day, right, to save my mama’s life, like, if– like if somebody held my mama hostage and had a gun to her head, right, and says, “n i g g a, spell restaurant. “Man, I will– I’ma shoot your mother in the head.” I’d be like– I would look at my mother like, “uh, I love you. You better look at me, ma.” She’s crying, “wahhh.” “Understand that I– I love you with all my heart.” “Stop stallin’, n i g g a!” “Okay, all right, all right. “All right!” All right, all right, all right, all right. R-e-s-t… Oh, my god. Here’s where it gets– oh, Jesus Christ. Uh… There’s a ooh– it’s a ooh–uh– rest-ooh. Stoooooh-rant. Rah-went. R-rrrruant. Is the–it’s an a or a u. “A’ight, gimme another– “gimme another word, man. “Gimme another word. One more word. “Just give my mother a chance to live. “‘Tomorrow’? Shit, shit, shit.” “Probably”? God da– “banana”? A’ight, banana, banana. B-a-n– b-a-n-n– a-n-n-n– is it– ain’t there, like, seven ns in “banana”? B-a-n-n-a-n-n… A-n-n-n-n…. A-a-n-a? N-a?

I’m, uh, irrelevant. How old are you, bro?


35, Five years. Eh. How you feeling? You feeling– you feeling a’ight? [Inaudible] you feel like these young guys of, you know– you a football fan? [Inaudible] all your– your whole life? You notice how football’s whack now? Things are changing. It seems like– look, this–this may be old thinking, okay? Now, when I came up– you a football fan? No? That’s a–like– he’s not. Like, what dude, like– that shocked me. Like, dudes are football fans. [Effeminate voice] “Oh, I don’t. It’s a little too violent.” Like– like– football… It’s not like the game it– when I came up, dude, football was a gla– it was gladiators. It was angry. It was angry. It was just– like, when we hit somebody, when I played, if you hit somebody and he didn’t get up, like, we didn’t hold hands with the– with the other team and pray. Like, hold hands and all– everyone prays for him to get up. We used to do a Indian, like, sell a hump dance circle around him, like, “man, look at you. Uh, uh.” [Barking] I be like– and our crowd’s like, [singsong] * he’s para-ly-yzed that’s right. Ho, ho, ho! We be lookin’ for his mother crying, like, “that’s right, lady. “That’s what you get for lettin’ him out here “with killers. “He can’t even wiggle his toes. “Take his socks. Take his socks.” And we would tie his socks around our helmet for the next week’s– like, the next team. They knew, “awww, that’s the team “that be tyin’ paralyzed n i g g a s’ socks around they helmets to scare ’em next week.”

And then– it ain’t like… We were thinking about harming somebo– it’s just, that’s what we did. Right? Oh, look at this guy, just– look at this fuckin’ crew right here. You guys are hilarious. You okay, guy? You all right? You late for some test you’re gonna have at 1:00 in the morning? Huh, intelligence face? Are you a big football fan? You like football? Yeah. You are? Sorta? I don’t think so. I think you saw me tease this guy.

I’m just tryin’ to get us to understand, man, that you the future, okay? I’m done. But they’re takin’ away– I’m a neanderthal, okay? They’re taking away what I used to just automatically think and feel, and now they’re just taking it away from you, so now even you look at dudes like me, like, older dudes, and go, “oh, you’re–” it’s like self-policing. Men go, “oh, that’s not– you shouldn’t– sss.” Like, “inappropriate” is a vaginal word. Like, that’s not a word. [Snooty voice] “That is inappropriate.” Like, is that coming from a man? Like, women say that. That’s women’s job, is to say, [nasal voice] “that’s just–that’s–” [babbling] like, that’s– men are supposed to do– we’re here to do foul things and have you go, “ohhh!” But now what’s– where’s the balance? See, it’s–it’s– it’s ying and yang. The balance, it– you–you gotta liven up. You gotta be a little more– is that your woman right there? See, see guys? See how comfortable you are? You shouldn’t be as comfortable as you are. You just–you can see him sittin’ up, unnngh, straight. And you’re just lookin’– he’s just like– “huh-huh, hoo-hoo, whatever you laugh at, I’ll laugh at.” It’s not a good thing, brother. I feel it. Don’t get mad at me now. He’s like, “fuck you, fat f–boy.” “Can’t type or read, huh, fat man?” I’m just sayin’, man. I don’t know how to type, but I do know what I’m telling you.

I’m just–just– it’s, uh– like, ladies, let’s discuss. I mean, look. Let’s discuss harassment. For a second. Let’s just– you feel it a little bit? Like, let’s just discuss it. Why can’t… I harass you? Sometimes. Sometimmmmes. I can never harass you? Never? And I’m not talkin’ about– [growls] arrrgh! Ooga-booga! Like, I’m talkin’ just… At the job. It’s unfair that I can’t harass you at the workplace. Like– you lookin’ how you lookin’, and I can’t just– a little somethin’ that has to do– like, you gotta be careful just to say, “hey, you look beautiful today.” That’s how messed up the game is. I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see. If you– I’m serious. What’s your name? What’s your name? Jeannie. Now, Jeannie, no disrespect. But if I work with you, I should be able to walk in and go, “oh, Jeannie, beautiful, uh, titty meat you have there.” And– ’cause I see that. But whatever the scientific term is– I’m looking at mr. F– hey, 4.9 grade point average, what’s the– what’s the science term for, uh, t–the titty meat. What’s the actual– and it’s not the cleavage. I mean, the cleavage is the space in the middle. I’m talking ’bout the meat. The meat, the titty part. And I’m not bein’ foul. Just, you know, whoa. You know what I’m saying? Just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending… That I don’t see what–what you– you–you understand what I’m saying? I mean, let’s work out a deal. Don’t get me f-fired.

Having women work with men, right, is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon. Dipped in honey. Like, so– now, you dip the salmon in the honey, right? Grizzly bears– and the salmon get to walk through, comfortable, with honey and fish, and, “good morning, grizzly bears.” [Grunts] And the grizzly bears is like, “hey.” It ain’t even– he can’t even growl. Like, “raawwwrr, what’s up, fish?” [Growls] “Oh, my god, human resources. The grizzly bear just did grizzly bear stuff.” So– so– like, I can’t even go, “hey, good morning. “Good morning, fish. Good morning. Ohhh.” I can’t touch you. Like, “ohhh, look at that. “Ooh, I’ma just get a little bit of that fish “for a little bit. “Lemme get that honey. “Oh, my god, mmmm. “Fish and honey, man. “That’s my favorite. “Usually I kill fish and eat ’em and stuff, “but I just wanted to just rub that– “rub a little bit of that. “Mm. God damn.”

That’s oppressive. Like, you shouldn’t even– and there’s cameras everywhere. You can’t do, like, weird stuff behind her back, like– why would it be disrespectful if I said– what’s your name? [Inaudible] Tyrelle. If I go, “hey, Tyrelle, we work together.” And I go, “Tyrelle, hey, do me a favor. “Let me know when you gettin’ up “to go to the bathroom so I can sniff your chair.” That’s disrespectful because it’s sexual. But that keeps me from being– like, I think–look. I think there should be a holiday. For lack of a better word, harassment day. But not– that sounds whatever. But I mean a day where I get to find out– like–because– and this is why it should be harassment day, because women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time. You get to be inappropriate. And when I say inappropriate, I mean say hello to me too close. “Hi!” Mmm-meh. Or some weird massage ’cause you think we’re friends, and you, “good morning,” a little kiss, and he’s just like, “ohhh. “Oh, boy, oh, boy. Boy, boy, boy.” And you think in your head, man, “I wonder if i– I wonder if I, you know–” but harassment day allows you to be able to ask.

All year, I say the Tuesday before thanksgiving. And it’s– and it’s a beautiful day. Flowers and everything. You buy her flowers, you just real cool. You walk up, you’re respectful. You say, “hey, how are you?” You know, good afternoon to her, happy harassment day. And you just, like, say, “listen, I was wondering all year if you would suck my dick in the broom closet.” And you just be like, “no, thank you, I’m not–” and you’d be like, “I’m–thank you. “Keep the flowers. I just thought– “I made a mistake. “I thought you was a ho all year. “I was confused. I thought you was a ho, but you’re not.”

Even animals, man. Animals smell it on us. They do. Animals smell something’s wrong. Like with the dog whisperer. He got animals. And I’m a animal–uh– let me say this, man. I-I’m a what they c– I don’t know what the term is for, uh, extreme animal lover. Like, I-I get sick when I see animals suffering. And I know that’s contrary to popular belief somehow. Somehow it’s spread out that black people, we– like, we hate animals. Like, we can’t stand dogs and cats. And I-I don’t get it. That’s the news doing that. ‘Cause they only show dudes that hate dogs. Like when the Vick stuff was happening. [Deep voice] “what do you think of Michael Vick and the dog?” They just show– every dude they show is like, “mm, dogs? Man, fuck dogs. “I don’t– “I’ll drown a dog in a bucket right now. “Gimme a dog. “Where’s a mo– where’s a dog at? “I’ll kill him. I hate dogs. I hate dogs.” And then they’ll show a white woman, like, tongue-kissing a dog in the mouth. Just to prove white people love dogs. And then they go back to him, and he’s mad, like, “look at this dirty white bitch, “tongue-kissing devil. “Devil bitch tongue-kissing a-a jackal “in the mouth. Devil licking jackals!” And then she’s, like, shining, like– there’s some weird war. They always want black people and white people to be at war, man, for some reason. How can you hate a– I don’t– people who hate animals– like, I-I don’t– I’m not gonna go, “I hate you.” But it–it would be hard. It takes away a piece of how close we might– if you go, “I hate animals.”

Like, somebody look at a baby seal, and go, “oh, I can’t wait to hit this motherfucker in the face.” “Fuckin’ hate baby seals. “All cute. The fuck you lookin’ at, baby seal?” Like– you ever see them sad animal commercials that come on, like, during– like, 4:00 in the morning, during three’s company reruns? And they catch you out of nowhere. You be watching three’s company. And then, [high-pitched voice] * ooh hooo like– and they’ll show– it be a– like, it’ll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up, and the kitten– * ooh hoo-oo-oo and it’s a– kitten got a pencil in his head. Like, somebody stuck a pencil in his face. * There’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace then they put fun facts. “15,000 kittens are stabbed in the head with pencils each year.” You be like, “who is stabbing kittens “in the face with pencils? Why?” * It’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace. Then they’ll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a-a container or a cup. * Puppies in a cup * missin’ their feet * it’s wro-o-o-ong “hi, I’m white lady. I’m here to say n i g g e r s probably did it.” Fuck you, bitch, jackal-kissing ho!

But I’m not saying that dogs should be equal citizens, either. I love my dogs, man, but I-I can’t– you know, it’s wrong to train ’em. And they’re outta control, and I’m not really a Cesar Millan understander. I try. I try with what they– but I-I got a westie, a little westie, and a poodle. And I love my dogs, man. I let–and I let ’em go to the bathroom on the wee-wee pad in the house, man. I don’t care. And everything’s good when they do that. ‘Cause they got little baby– you know, when they eatin’ right, the ba–the–the– they be nice, little– little– you know. I don’t have– they don’t have to scratch. They just, “ugh,” do they thing. And when they do they thing, everything’s beautiful. I go, “good boy, good girl, bow,” and everybody’s happy. But sometimes they just decide they gon’ try me and go– like, they have a meeting and go, “you know what? “Lemme see what happens “if I piss on this good rug that he bought. “Let’s see. “Why don’t you– wanna piss on his rug? “Who gonna do it? You in? Come on, one, two, three.” “A’ight, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” And then the other one peekin’ around the corner, like, “okay, okay.” And just, “ugggh.” It’s usually the westie. ‘Cause he got the cutest look. The westie got the– got the sad, like, “what did I do?” Face. So I be like, “what are you doing? “Oh, come on, man. Why would you do that?” And he’s just, “I’m dumb. I don’t know.” I go, “go ahead, boy. Come on, man.” Everybody’s happy.

And then, like, ’cause when I was younger, this is how you trained dogs. It was no s– it was easy. You just put ’em down when they first get in the house. And you just hide around a corner, you know. And you just wait. You wait till they go to the bathroom where they ain’t supposed to. And soon as they crunch up and go to the bathroom– you gotta wait till the first– and then you just run. “Mother fu– rraagggghh!” And you j– you shove his face in shit. “Aaaagh! “How’s that feel, shitty face? Your face stink. How’s that?” [Growling] “there, what?” He’s like, “what?” You choke ’em out, and he’s– he start tappin’, like, “oy.” You kick him. “Don’t shit on my rug, you mother–!” And he’ll never shit there again. Like, he may go there. But here? He’ll pull a cigarette out first, ‘fore he– dear god. “Whoo, somethin’ happened to me bad there. I’m scared to even get near there.” N i g  g a do heroine, he get near that spot. “I’ll kill you. That rug cost more than you, motherfucker!”

But I’m trying to save you, man, ’cause you are the future, my friend. ‘Cause I’m finished. I’m stuck. In a relationship, done. Done. This is a man in love. Here–here’s the face of a man in love. And the face of a woman in love is like, [effeminate voice] “yea, yea. I’m in love.” But the face… Of a man in like is like, “yeah, man. I like her.” And women are like, [effeminate voice] “when are you– where is this going?” Why’s it have to go somewhere? It’s just cool right now, like– Here’s the best relationship in the world, is when the woman loves you… And the man likes her. So if I like you, and you love me, that’s perfection. Because I like like. Like is like when– that’s when he’s happy to see you and happy to hear you, and you doing things that don’t disrespect the happy. You lie about liking sports, and you do all kinda things.

I know that sounds, like, ridiculous, but I’ll put it in vaginal terms for you. ‘Cause I see the faces, like, “huh?” And then guys go, “hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Like, but I-I– but guys do. I f–I speak fluent dude, man. I-I understand how we are. I’ma tell you why– okay, ladies, you– how many times has there been a guy in your life, or guys, where there’s been men in your life who want to sleep with you, but you didn’t want to sleep with him? Zillions. You can’t count it. So what that means, there’s a– there’s a philosophy there, meaning you are sexable. He wants to sleep with you. But just ’cause you are sexable don’t mean I’m sexable. Right? Same thing with love. Just ’cause I’m lovable… Doesn’t mean that you’re lovable too. You’re just likable to me. You didn’t do for me what I did for you to feel that way. You understand what I’m saying? It–it–it’s very simple. So if you just wait for me to love you, then you–you’ll be all right. You might have to wait a while. But men don’t have the option to muscle you like you muscle us. “You know, you’ve gotta either shit or get off the pot. “We’ve been together this many months, and it’s time for us to discover where–” like, but men don’t say nothin’ like that to muscle you, man. That’s–that’s, you know– I can’t go, “look, we’ve been going out “for a week now. “It’s–it’s–it’s, uh… “It’s time for you to roll these panties down ’cause… “It’s been too long I been buying you drinks, and you got to either shit or get off the pot.”

But when your woman loves you, it’s very difficult to get past that, man. A woman’s love is so beautiful, man. Men’s love is not as beautiful. It ain’t pure, ’cause it’s work. It’s job. I look at my girl laying there, I be like, “god! Ohh, man!” I want to call out sick from love. I be like, “damn.” But she’s sleeping right there. I be wantin’ to give the call-in-sick voice. [Groans] “I can’t make it to love you today. I got a…” [Groans] but when your woman love you, man, you feel weird. I try to start arguments with my girl all the time just so that she love me less, ’cause she just– the way she love me, it’s just too much. I’m like, “damn.” It ain’t– it’s not necessary. But she loves, man. And love for a woman embodies everything. It’s like… [Panting and moaning] she’s concerned about my health. Ain’t no man in here ever ask how their woman’s health is, ever.

Look at this n i g g a laughin’. How long y’all been together, by the way, bro?

Two years.

Two years. Have you ever asked her a health question? Never. It ain’t happenin’. He never–we don’t know when she, the last time she checked her titties for– for lumps. Anybody’s man ever ask if you checked your titties for fuckin’ lumps? No! If you take pills, do your man go, “have you taken your pills?” No, we don’t give a shit. Just knock your pills off the– “what’s all these pills, you sick bitch?” “Sound like maracas around here. You’re sick.”

And it’s not ’cause we don’t care about you. It’s just the way we care is not the way…you know. Men don’t care about health in general. We don’t care about being sick. I should be getting prostate checks every week. I should be at least doing my own prostate check. You can–if your prostate’s swelled up, you can put your own finger in your booty, right? To see if your prostate swelled, ’cause you can’t– but look, all of that, I’ll never know, ’cause I’m not gonna stick– I’ll let my prostate fall out my asshole first. I’ll be walkin’, it’ll fall on the ground. I’ll be like, “is that my prostate just fell out my asshole?” And I still wouldn’t go to the hospital. I’ll call one of my friends on the phone. “Hey, man, your prostate ever fall out your asshole? “What’d you do about it? Put some duct tape? All right, put some duct tape.”

It’s beautiful, the love. I’m telling you. I’m diabetic, man, and–and, you know, I’m not gonna find no woman that gives a–cares… Just off the street. ‘Cause diabetes, look– first of all, I don’t support it, all right? If I didn’t have it, I could give a– it’s just, “whatever, dude, really? Can’t eat cookies, faggot? I don’t care.” [Laughing] but I got that miserable disease. It’s just– it’s one of those– it’s deterio– it’s just a– it’s just a pain in the ass, ’cause I can’t eat and drink what I want. Like, I can eat as many vegetables as I want. “Patrice, you can have all the brussels sprouts you ever needed.” It was like, “oh.” Why can’t I eat pasta and cake? But you can’t, and it hard. It’s like being addicted. Food is, I’m telling you– food is an everyday, like… I’ll be like, “oh, my god, man, food again?” I gotta think about– every day, I gotta think. I go to sleep thinking about food. Tomorrow, like, “what am I gonna do? “A’ight, today, I had salad and fruit, “and I–I’m gonna celebrate tomorrow “by having a whole… “Lamb leg, to celebrate how good I ate yesterday.” It’s just a suffering…

And I understand being addicted. Any smokers? Smokers here? Anybody? Smoking? See, and that’s like– and you a young man, but you know. You know. It’s a–you don’t– you’re good people. You don’t want to die. Smokers are like– [inhales] you just know you’re dying, like… “Man, oh, man, dog.” [Puffs, exhales] and you gonna get cancer, like, you know you gonna get cancer, and you’re giving other people cancer. You’re like…[Blows] you’re like, “I’m not a bad person, “I just can’t keep it– “I can’t keep it, uh… Down in my system here.”

And then the pack of cigarettes, they used to say things like, “uh, cigarettes possibly “might cause you to be ill at some point in your life.” Now they say it will kill you, and you still… And then you got the cigarette boxes in Canada. You ever see Canada’s cigarette boxes? They got dead babies on the box. Like, it just be a dead baby. Can you imagine smoking and rationalizing? [Laughs] imagine you tell yourself, you say, “man, I’m glad I made it past his age. Goddamn.” “How old was he when he started smoking? “A day old? Jesus, slow down, n i g g a, use a filter.”

I saw some white chocolate-covered Oreos. Oreos dipped in chocolate, man. I wa– I could–it was– I was in tears, like, knowing I shouldn’t eat it, but I was in pain, like, going, “oh, my god.” And I’m talking to myself, “I can’t eat these cookies, man.” And they’re callin’ me, and I’m praying to god, and I’m–and I’m lactose intolerant, but, like, if I eat these cookies, I gotta drink milk too. I’ma go out like a soldier. It’s like, whatever. And then you say all kind of weird stuff to you to rationalize eating them. I’ll be like, “you know what? “I don’t need both my feet. “I’m not a… “I’m not a ballerina. All I need is one so I can drive my car.”

I’ma tell you a quick love story, man. This will sum up how much my girl love me, and it’s amazing. Um, you know, like I said, I’m diabetic, man, but, um, you know, it’s a true story. When we have sex, we’re really, uh… Really dirty, man. We’re really dirty. We pee on each other and the whole… But that’s–get past that, ’cause this is true love, so… So I’m– we’re having sex, right? About two years ago this happened. We’re having sex, and then, uh, afterwards, she’s like, “you know, that was good, “but I think we gotta go to the hospital and get you checked out.” I said, “why?” She said, “’cause you’re pee tastes like birthday cake.” And… Isn’t that love? If you can get past the pee part, that’s love, right? When she’s like, “oh, your pee is too delicious. I don’t– I don’t like that.” She didn’t go, “you peed in my mouth, you nasty–” she’s just like, “oh, my god, your pee tastes– “I done like the way it tastes. It tastes scrumptious.” What I’ma do? You see these three goofy girls’ look, they like, “if he pee in my mouth, “blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah-blah bluh.” That means you’re not gonna love me to the degree that I need to save my life, are you? No. I don’t need you. I don’t need you if you can’t taste my pee and go, “something’s wrong. You need to go check yourself.” You judge me. [Laughing] [laughs harder]

That’s your woman, bro? How long you guys been together? Ten years? Wow. Good, good. How long? 2 1/2, 3 Years? Y’all goin’– y’all goin’ raw? You stick it in raw? You do? Okay, you put it in– you put it in raw? Look it, she punched him. You know what? Let me explain, she just hit him in his arm. I’ma explain something to you. The quicker that a man goes raw, it makes him look like, you know, “go ahead, pimp. You got it in raw.” The quicker the woman goes raw, it makes you look– yeah, loose. It makes you look bad. ‘Cause safe sex is a woman’s responsibility. ‘Cause men are trying to do it the first second we meet. Look, my protection is just, I do this. And I just go… [Laughs] “just not AIDS, god.” “Please don’t let me get sick and die.” It is your responsibility. Yep.

When did y’all decide to do it? How long did it take, bro? How long did it take?

A while.

It took a while? What’s a while? What’s a while to you? Hey, did you do the old bagless trick, where you would just slowly, like, just try to put it in without… And you just, hopefully, she stop you? That old trick? Like, “okay… “All right, it’s getting close, “and I think I’m gonna… I ain’t got nothin’ on it yet.” And then it start getting real close. You be like, “no, she gonna let me– “ohh! This dirty bitch!” [Screams] “we both gonna die you let me put it in?” “Oh, we gonna die! “She just let me go raw!” [Screams] But we won’t stop, though. “Aw, come on! Stop me!” [Laughing]

And I can’t use no condom no more. It’s over– condom days. I put a trash bag on my shit, it just– * wah wah like the “wah-wah” music? * Wah-wah it’s just dead. I have to see if my balls can fit in there too. Like, “all right, how’s that, baby?” “They both in there soft, “but his balls and dick is in there. “You okay? How’s that feel? Filled up? You feel filled up?”

I’ma do–I’ma show you something, ladies, right? I’ma show you something. Here’s why you should be responsible for safe sex. All right, how many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before? [Pop pop pop] [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop pop pop pop pop] Do you know what a dental dam is? You do? No one’s ever used on before, huh? See? See what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying about the condoms? Y’all just like, “put that condom on,” but, you know, the dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, right? About as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case, you know, it’s–it’s poison. To protect us from imminent danger, but we don’t use it ’cause you’ll be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you, and I pull out a piece of a trash bag… And you go, “uh, what is that?” “Oh, I’m just gonna lay that over your vagina just in case it kills me.” “I’m sorry, what did you say?” And we see that face? “Nothin’, forget it. “Don’t even–pretend you didn’t see that. “I’d rather die than to “insult my way out of some pussy. I’d rather just get what you got.” [Laughing]

No offense, but that’s us. We are not like you. Understand that. We’re good creatures, special– we are, but we’re just not like you. We’re not like– we don’t tell the truth, and the reason is because we cannot. Truth is, uh… Here’s what truth is. Truth is a feeling that goes from your gut to your mouth instantaneously. Women get to be truthful. You get to say… And you say any kind of foul, ’cause you don’t have an editing– it just comes up. “I just– two plus two is seven.” [Squawks] just say it. [Squawks] “I don’t care.” And you be like, “it’s–it’s four.” [Squawks] “it ain’t. It’s whatever I want it to be!” [Screech] [squawks] “I’ma talk if I feel like it.” [Squawks] And…

Men don’t do that. We can’t be honest with you. Man truth is cruel. If we told you the truth all the time, that’s cruelty. Men–men go from our gut, and then it stops at the heart, where we edit it. We edit what this was. What this was was gonna be foul, so I’m not gonna say what this was. And then, it goes into the brain for further… Touch-ups. You know, analysis. Mmm, okay. All right, that sounds good. And then you say it. We don’t just spew stuff out, man, because how we really feel about you, it just–it’s not– it’s not cool like this, how we feel about you.

You said ten years? Let me ask you a question, honestly. What’s your daydream on how to kill her?

You want to get me killed?

Here’s where you’re messing up. I’ma tell you where you’re messing up. He goes–he says to me, “hey, man, you trying to get me killed?” So you see how we can’t tell the truth? The–the lie, right? That means that he thinks about it. Do you understand what I’m saying? You should say, “I don’t think about killing my woman,” but you go, “you tryin’ to get me killed? “If I tell you how I’d kill this bitch, she gonna kill me!” So you might as well get it out now. How do you kill her, man? Just so she know. How do you daydream about it? Spit it out. She’s looking at– it’s over. Just– sweetie, I’m trying to let you understand what you’re dealing with. I’m just saying the fact that you’re alive means he didn’t go through with it.

He just–and I’ma tell you why– why guys think about killing their women. It’s ’cause we love you. Because I want you out of my life, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. So I’d rather you be dead, than to break your heart. So we think about, how do we kill this– and get away– how do you do it, bro? I’ll tell you how I kill my girl. I put a pillow over her head and shoot her twice with a silencer. [Imitates silenced gunshots] And the feathers come up, and I look under the pillow, and her eyes still be open, and I close her eye– I close her eyes and shit. [Kiss] And I kiss her softly on her face, but she’s dead. You might as well spit it out, ’cause it’ll help you now, ’cause you can blame it on all– the whole situation, instead of later when she’s like, “so, you know…”

You’re Puerto Rican, right?


Cuban? Oh, lord have merc– like, whatever, she’s– whatever accent and whatever anger she does in Spanish, she’s gonna be on you, so you might as well just say it, think about it. ‘Cause she gonna be on you. What is it? What do you, you know.

And look it, I don’t condone violence against women, but I do condone thinking about it, because sometimes it’s like, “how do I get you out of my face?” It’s just like, what do you do? When a girl’s in your face, ahh! Especially black women, ’cause, you know what? This is probably more important to white women, ’cause white women, you do stuff to get killed. People kill you. Your husbands kill you. Black women do stuff to get hit. Like, they make you want to hit ’em, ’cause they be in your face, like they could whup your ass. “Blah blah blah, blah-blah.” You be like, “I’ma put this bitch through a fish tank.” Don’t get in my face, ’cause I can’t even hit you. I can’t even poke you hard. Like, don’t– don’t press me like that. “What you gonna do? I wish you was–” like, “oh, my god, man, get out of my face.”

And I’ve never hit a woman, man. I’ve never needed to. And I been–been, like, “wow, man. This would be so much easier if I could,” but I just… You just… Like, I never even mushed a woman. Anyone ever get mushed? You ever get mushed? You know what a mushing is? You don’t even know what mushing is. Do you know what mushing is? You do–yeah, see. Look at the black girl right there. Go ahead, show her. Show her. She put her whole hand over her face. It’s a–it’s– it’s a non-violent… Movement… When you’re in my face, aah! And it’s just to– it just moves you… And sometimes a twist. It’s just, “get out of my face, please.”

I don’t ever want to mush, and I’ve never done it I’ve come close, but I’m too scared. I don’t want to go to jail over nonsense, man. Jail’s– I don’t want to do that. Push–I don’t want to mush a girl. “Get out of here.” She stumble back, crack her head, and… You know, she’s laying on the ground doing the, uh… The Hulk Hogan from the ’80s, like… I’m like, “oh, my god.” I’m lifting her hand up like the referee. Like, “oh, come on, bitch. Please get up.” And she’s just… And on the third one, I’m hoping she go like this, like, “oh!” [Laughs] “I’m still livin’, brother!” And you’re like, “okay! Okay! “Oh-ho! “Oh-ho! Oh, she’s livin’!” [Laughing]

White women, though, I’ma tell you why you get killed, and this is a f– I’m from Boston, man. I got a PhD in white people, man. I grew up around them. White women, you don’t scream at your men. I never seen a white woman really go “aah!” At your man. “What? What?” But you do something different. You don’t scream, but you–you, uh… You say, like, really terrible things in his ear so only he can hear it, and it starts to, like, abrade and whittle his spirit down. Like really foul stuff, but nice, like, “you know what, your mother’s breath stinks.” You be like… “When’d you get close enough to my mo–” “I don’t have to. “It stinks from here. And I’m gonna fuck your friend Phillip.” “I’m gonna fuck Byron as soon as you go to work.”

And then, this is over years, and you just– you just– until all you got left is murder. You just kill her, ’cause you got no more spirit left. The spirit is gone. Serious, man.

If you want to understand men, ladies, look, I’m here for you. I’m just telling you what we are. What we are, you know, not who we are. What we are. Just like what we are that makes us struggle. And, really, men are perfect creatures, except for, you know, one… Like, if most women would want to be a man if you didn’t have to give up that power that you have, which is our weakness. That’s our weakness. It’s very difficult. I’m telling you, man. Like, I don’t want to want to be with other women ever. Like, I want to just walk down the street and go, “I never need to look at another woman again, ’cause I’m with the last woman I’m ever gonna be with.” And I’m like… But it ain’t real. It’s just…

Like, no guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman, man. That hurts. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second, ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go, like, find some happiness behind your back so your feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you. It’s not… It’s not for me. We don’t want to hurt you. If you gave a lie detector test to a man and a woman and asked them the same questions, man, we would pass them both up to a point where it’s like, hey, ask a woman, “you love your man? You love your family? You love your home, you love what you built?” “Yep.” “All right, you see Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington “or whatever standing there, “would you risk everything you built with your man just to sleep with him?” And women, look, they’ll go “nah, I wouldn’t.” And they’ll pass the test. They’ll be like, “eh, you know, “they look good, but I wouldn’t.”

Ask guys the same thing, you know, boom, love your woman, the kids, the hou– “yeah.” “All right, you– you see that girl passed out behind the dumpster?” “Would you risk everything for a passed-out woman behind a dumpster?” “I don’t want to, but look at her with garbage on–she looks so cute with garbage on her.”

You ever discuss threesomes, gorgeous? You never had a threesome discussion with your man after ten years? Like, just even talked to him about it. Just a talk. Like, ’cause it’ll make him– wouldn’t just a nice threesome talk make you feel like, “oh, man, just cool that she lets me get a little bit of that evil out, right?” And by the way, ladies, a threesome is two girls and a guy. The girls be thinking, “what about?” Two guys and a girl is a train. That is… Me and him. I don’t even know him. And he better not look me in the face. Like, what– “n i g g a, just get your dick sucked. Why are you staring at me?” “Let me fuck my half of the torso.” “Catch this n i g g a blinkin’ at me “while I’m trying to fuck my half of the body. “Damn! Damn, man! N i g g a don’t have train etiquette.” [Laughing]

You don’t understand that, right? Women don’t relate to that crap, ’cause you don’t understand how much, uh… To get sex for a guy, man, it’s hard. It’s harder to find– it’s harder to get sex than it is to find love. I swear to god. Women hold–you gotta be smooth to get– I’m tellin’ you, to get through that, because women are like the beefeaters from, uh, England with the big hats, and them dudes be… “Who goes there?” You trying to, like, charm your way into the palace, and you just be like… “Tickle, tickle, baby. Tickle, tickle.” And she’s just, “you’re not gonna get through!” “Oh, come on.” [Babbling] and–and that’s skill. Women, you don’t have it, ’cause you don’t need it. You don’t have to have swagger to get some tonight. You don’t. You can just point at it. You can look at a guy, right, catch his eye, and go like this, and he’ll go, “me?” And then you just point right here. And don’t be sexy. Don’t be like, “ooh.” Just– [grunts obnoxiously] and he’ll look around for a minute to make sure it ain’t a trick, like… [Grunting and yelling] monsters is giving out pussy, man. What I’ma do? What I’ma do, say no?

We’re like, uh… I’m trying to, like, make it so women just, like, understand a little bit, like, just to sympathize. It’s like we’re like sport fishermen. This is what I’m sayin’. That’s what men are. We–i mean, being with one woman… I mean, for real, ladies, if you just said thank you to your man for being faithful. You just go “thank you, man. Thank you for fighting.” He’d be like, “damn.” And if you– if you told his friends that you thanked him for fighting hard and not cheating, his friends would be like, “what?” Like, they would look at you like you was amazing. It’s simple.

Men like to fish. And sport fishing is different from catching fish for food. You just get it– you get it, you catch it, and you, you know… You show your friends. ‘Cause you want them to know that you can catch fish. You take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch, and then you release it back into the water. But a lot of women in here, you have boyfriends or husbands, you were fish that jumped back on the boat… And just was, like, flapping, looking at me, like… “Hi. “I was wondering if you’re gonna be fishing here again next week, like…” “Yeah, for other fish. Get off my boat.” “Is that how you treat all the fish?” You be like, “oh, goddamn. “No, I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re the last fish I ever wanted to be with.” Now you’re stuck. Stuck with the last fish, who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat, then she got comfortable, and now, instead of doing this, she’s like, “so… “We’ve been together for, like, a year now. Why do you still have a boat?” You be like… “So what you trying to say, I can’t catch fish no more?” “Why do you need to catch a fish?” “Because if I lose my ability to catch fish, “then you not gonna find me sexy no more, “so you gotta smell fish on me “so that you know I can catch fish so you can act right.”

That’s like, guys, you meet your girl, she was a ho. Like, had ho– like she, big ol’ booty and this and that. You gotta let her do that. Don’t start trying to frump her up and get her fat and get her foul. ‘Cause that’s why you like her. I don’t want no woman that no other guy’s trying to fuck. I don’t want a woman that I can send to the store at 2:00 in the morning, ’cause nobody’s gonna try to rape her. Like, I go, “go get some bread at 3:00 in the morning. “Hey, cut through the alley, bitch, ’cause…” “Girl, I talked to the junkies. They don’t want it. They don’t like you.” [Laughing]

And I’m just– to be fair to women, um, you know, it’s… Look, god has been very cruel to you. Being a woman as a creature, I think it’s just unfair. I wouldn’t want to be a woman. It’s just… I mean, like, your period, like, I look at that and– and see what my woman go through every month. Like, if my nose bled every month, I think I would kill myself. I would be like, “mother–oh, my god, man.” You gotta stick something in your nose with a string hanging out. Gotta take that out, what, every seven seconds or whatever. And five days before your nose bleeds, you know it’s gonna bleed, but you don’t know when, so you just sittin’ there like, “when is my nose “going to start bleeding? Oh, my god!” And then if your nose don’t bleed when it’s supposed to, you’re like, “oh, my god! “My nose is supposed to be bleeding by now!” [Crying] “I’ma go to the hospital if it’s not bleeding soon!”

And y’all get horny and… My woman gets horny on her– oh, my god. And I ain’t down with that. And I see her face, like if I would do it one time, it probably would change her life, like she would be just so grateful, but I just can’t. She’s like, “come on. “You know, come on. Just… Just lay a–come on, lay a towel or something down.” And I was gonna do it one time, but then I googled the whole cycle. There’s all kind of stuff hap–I don’t… I sharpened a mop stick. Every month, I just poke her, I go, “yah! Get back! “Yah! Back! Get in the closet! Get out of here!” Slide her some raw meat under the door. “Eat that for a week! Ha! Get back!”

It’s shocking. Like, I know, look, like I said, I’m 40. I can feel… I can feel my sex drive, right? I still love women, but I don’t feel like– I don’t feel like having sex like that. But I still love looking at ’em, like, “oh.” But here’s what god did for men. He turned my horniness into creepiness. Like, so… I can have a good time sitting at the mall watching chicks tryin’ on sneakers at the Foot Locker, with the creepy face, like… Mmm! I’m good for the day.

But women, you don’t get creepy. You get hornier as you get older. It’s weird, you want to do all your sexin’ between the ages of 30 and 50. That’s when you want it. But here’s how sad things are. The value of vagina’s only good from 18 to 29. Pussy get old like bread, not like wine. It– I don’t want the waiter to bring me a vintage glass of twat. He’d be like, “would you like a “’52 le stinky vagina from the funk-funk region?” You’d be like, “ugh! “You ain’t got a better year than that? “You ain’t got a…” [Laughs] “got a ’89 down there? Give me a ’89. “I don’t care what it is. Water, just ’89.”

I’m not saying you not sexy if you– if you 40 or whatever. I’m not– you’re beautiful, whatever. I’m just saying 20 is just… 20. 20. Who’s 20 down here? How old are you? Older than 20? I hear it in your voice. You sound like you chew cigarettes. She’s just like… As cute as you are, you can hear it. [Gravelly] “I’m older than 20.” ‘Cause women who are not 20– did you see what happened? She raised her hand fast. [High-pitched] “20! Yay!” [Gravelly] “ahem, um…” “Older than 20.” 20 Years–god. I bet you your pussy tastes like hope. [Laughing]

I’m sorry. That was just ridiculous. But that’s the difference. Difference between 40-year-old cooch and 20, it’s the amount of time I wait. That’s it. 20, I wait forever. Just wait in the corner, like, “oh, it’s gonna happen. I am going to wait for this 20-year-oldness.” 40, I– a date. Two dates. Two dates, and then you gotta start rollin’ them old drawers down. From where it is, pulled up to the bra.

I’m not saying you’re not sexy if you’re 40– I’m not. I’m just saying, it’s the time, that’s it. Like, I want it now. If I’m willing to eat some stale cracker jacks, I’ll eat some stale cracker jacks, but I want ’em right now. If I say, “hand me them stale cracker jacks right there,” and you go, “come and get ’em,” I’ll be like, “just throw ’em on the floor. “They old. The box is open “there’s no prize in it. Where the magnifying glass?” “One peanut? Get that–get out of here!” Making me crawl around for old cracker jacks.

And you will laugh at that, ladies, if it’s just not fun for you. Nothing’s fun. Sex isn’t fun. Sex is so much fun for dudes. ‘Cause we got a money shot. You don’t understand what it’s like to see– the–the–feeling. Like, we both have orgasms. Uhh! Uhh! But men have a receipt. Like, we… We see it, and it’s a payoff. You be like, “I am satisfied, ’cause that’s what it is. Look at it.” You don’t think you’d be happier, ladies, if you could just have a– if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy’s face? You just–fff! Fff!– Right on top of his forehead? You want to be happier? Get on–fff! Unh! And he’s just sitting there. Fff! “Unh!” And you go, “aw, that felt good! Go in the bathroom and wash your face.” He’s walking to the bathroom… [Spits] “ohh!” Wiping his eyes. “Why are you so aggressive?” You like, “shut up, faggot, and… Hurry up and make me a grilled cheese sandwich.” [Laughing] Call your friends on the phone, “I just egged on the top of his head.” “Don’t tell your friends our business!” “Shut up! She already knows I egg on the top of your head already.”

Hey, I gotta go, man. Y’all take care of yourself.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it.


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Sam Morril: You've Changed (2024)

Sam Morril: You’ve Changed (2024) | Transcript

Sam Morril showcases his unique laid-back style, effortlessly riffing on his experiences about the worst person he’s ever dated, the challenges of ageing, and his take on various topics from cable news to the dangers of social media.

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