83rd Annual Golden Globes
Air date: January 11, 2026
The following transcript documents Nikki Glaser’s opening monologue at the 83rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, broadcast on January 11, 2026. Delivered live from Los Angeles, the monologue is a rapid-fire blend of roast, celebration, and cultural commentary, targeting Hollywood’s biggest stars, the media, the awards industry itself, and the absurdities of modern celebrity. Moving freely between affectionate praise and unapologetic provocation, Glaser uses self-deprecation, shock humor, and insider references to establish the evening’s tone: irreverent, self-aware, and deliberately unfiltered.
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Good evening and welcome to the 83rd Golden Globes. Yes, the Golden Globes. Without a doubt, the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now.
So, let’s get down to business, shall we? We’ll start the bidding for Warner Brothers at $5. Do I hear $5?
Tonight, we are celebrating the best of both TV and film right here in the heart of Los Angeles, where no TV or film has been made for the past six years. I’m Nikki Glazer, and just like Wicked, I’m back for a sequel. Just like Frankenstein, I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeon. And it’s good work. And just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts. It’s not right.
I cannot believe the amount of star power we have in this room tonight. It’s insane. There are so many A-listers. And by A-listers, I do mean people who are on an A-list that has been heavily redacted. Yes… And the Golden Globe for best editing goes to… the Justice Department. Yes. Congratulations.
And the award for most editing goes to… CBS News! Yes, CBS News: America’s newest place to see B.S. News. We needed another.
Well, there are so many Hollywood legends in this room tonight. Kathy Bates, Steven Spielberg, yes, George Clooney. Of course, George Clooney is nominated for the movie Jay Kelly tonight. Yes. Where he plays George Clooney. You were so good. Right? George, you’re amazing. I’m such a fan. I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you right now. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again. So here it goes. My espresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I’m wondering, is it like a pod issue, or do you think it might be the filter? Could you troubleshoot it for me later? Thank you so much. Grazie signore.
The Rock is here for The Smashing Machine. Yes, there he is. Yes, The Rock is nominated tonight. And luckily for him, the TV show The Paper is not. So he might win. He might win. That’s a fun one.
And Kevin Hart is here. Yes. The Rock’s plus one half. Love you, Kevin. Kevin, I love you. Kevin is obviously nominated for his hilarious stand-up special tonight. I love you so much, Kevin. You’re so funny. And you and The Rock together are like my favorite comedy duo. Such a classic comedy duo. You’re like a Steve Martin and Martin Short, but for people under 50 IQ. You know what I mean? Like, we need movies, too! Jumanji: Next Level. Was it? I’m just saying. I love you guys.
Jennifer Lawrence is here. Where is she? Hi, Jen. Wherever you are. Oh my gosh, Jen gave such a stunningly visceral performance in Die, My Love. And you look gorgeous tonight. Oh my God. True story: I once told a makeup artist, “Can you make me look like J-Law?” and he was like, “Honey, I can’t even make you look like Jude Law.” So we laughed.
The cast of White Lotus season 3 is here. Parker Posey, Walton Goggins, Amy Lou Wood. One of my favorite shows of all time. Did you guys actually know that White Lotus season 3 was the first hit show to feature incest since Property Brothers, season all of them? That’s so interesting, right?
Leonardo DiCaprio is here for one man bun after another. Hi, Leo. How good was Leo in One Battle? I mean, it’s insane. So good. So vaping good. What a career you’ve had. Countless iconic performances. You’ve worked with every great director. You’ve won three Golden Globes, an Oscar. And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean, it’s just insane! Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke. It’s cheap. You know what? I tried not to, but we don’t know anything else about you, man. There’s nothing else. Open up. I’m serious. I looked. I searched. The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was in Teen Beat magazine in 1991. Is your favorite food still pasta? Pasta and more pasta. Look it up. That’s real.
Leo’s One Battle co-stars are here tonight. Benicio del Toro, Teyana Taylor. So good. And making her film debut with a powerhouse performance, Chase Infinity. How good was she?
Sean Penn is also here, Colonel Lockshaw himself. Hi, Sean. You’re the best. One of my favorite characters of all time. I love you, Sean. You’re such an original. You know, everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger. Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like, “What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?” And I feel like that’s hot. It’s good. Sean, I love you. Not only such an amazing actor, but you’re such a devoted humanitarian. I mean, a lot of actors talk the talk, but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most, and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we don’t celebrate that. And Sean, I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends, Charlie Sheen and El Chapo. So they say hi. Blame it on that.
And of course, Hamnet is nominated tonight. Hamnet was such a masterful portrayal of loss and grief. And fun fact: Hamnet was actually the original name for Spanx. I’m wearing 30 Hamnets right now. Thank you.
Now, we can’t talk about movies this year without talking about Sinners. Yes. I mean, Sinners single-handedly saved Warner Brothers for about a month, but still. Michael B. Jordan is nominated tonight for Best Actor. So good. In Sinners, Michael played two brothers. Am I allowed to say that? It doesn’t sound right. He played twins. He played twins. And I can’t believe it. We got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that, I was like, “Nikki B.J. jerkin,” because that was awesome. I’m sorry, Michael. Why did I make that joke? I know your mom. I’m so sorry. I should not have said that to you. That should have been a DM. My mistake. I love you. You’re amazing.
Wicked is back with Wicked for Money. Oh my God. So good. Once again, Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande gave us two career-defining performances. It was so emotional. Two hours into that movie, I was in tears like, “I can’t believe there’s 45 minutes left.” It was too much. I’m kidding. A little long, but I loved it. And Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phone book. Grab the one Kevin Hart’s sitting on tonight. I’m sorry, Kevin. I can’t stop. It’s a problem. You’re the best.
And Timothée Chalamet is here for Marty Supreme. Oh my God, man. What a dedicated performance you gave. It was incredible. Not a lot of people know this, but Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. This is true. He gained over 60 ounces. It’s insane. A Chalamet protein whey.
Well, guys, before our first award tonight, I just want to tell you that I’m making jokes up here, but it is an absolute privilege to be in this room with you all. Yes, I’m your host, but I’m honestly such a massive fan. Your work this year was innovative. It felt fearless, inspiring, and in some cases, downright Zootopian. So please keep doing what you’re doing, okay? Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies. Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos, keep making wonderfully bizarre movies together and go harder. I want Emma Stone playing a piece of toast with epilepsy. You would nail it. Noah Wyle, keep being the only doctor I’ve seen regularly for the past 35 years. Paul Mescal and Jacob Elordi, keep being the same person to my mom. Hans Zimmer, keep composing film scores that sound like, “Oh, what a bop.” And Claire Danes, keep making noises that sound like… too much Botox. And lastly, Steve Martin and Martin Short, keep proving to us that in this industry, you are never, ever too old to still need money. I love you guys.
Thank you so much. We have a great show for you tonight!
