Nikki Glaser: Good Girl (2026) – Transcript

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[cheering and applause]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[cheering amplifies]

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪

What’s up, Saint Louis?!

[cheering and applause intensifies]

Thank you so much.

This is such a special night. Thank you for being here.

Before we begin, I just want you to know that every single person in here means so much money to me. I am…

[audience laughing]

I am cleaning up tonight.

No, this is–

This is such a special night for you. I am…

[audience laughing]

No, it’s so special to me.

I am so happy to be doing this in St. Louis, Missouri, my hometown.

[cheering and applause]

Yep. I actually loved living in St. Louis so much because so much of my career is having to just look perfect.

A-And I just feel like here, I don’t…

[audience laughing]

…have to try, you know?

[audience member] Whoo!

I can kind of give up, you know?

Like you. It’s, um…

[audience laughing]

[Nikki chuckles]

I don’t get recognized a lot in St. Louis

’cause, uh, this is literally the best I’ve ever looked in this town.

I don’t usually look this way, so it– I get excited when it happens.

It actually happened earlier today at Starbucks.

This girl came up to me, and she was like, “Are you…”

And I was like, “Yeah.”

And she was like, “…aware there’s a Band-Aid in your hair?”

And I was like, “Oh yeah, sorry.”

She was like, “Now it’s on your Croc.”

And so…

[laughter]

The St. Louis stiletto.

[Nikki chuckles]

But I got gussied up for you tonight. I got a spray tan for you guys.

Yes. Thank you.

[audience cheering]

It is the number one way to look way hotter than you are.

You have to get a spray tan.

You look amazing.

You smell like a menstrual cup.

Now, that’s kinda the downside of the spray tan.

You smell like you’ve been free-bleeding into an old boot, but…

[laughter]

…you look good, so it’s worth it.

Get your spray tans now, though, by the way.

I think they’re gonna be taken away from us pretty soon.

Because it is insane that white people can just paint their skin a different color, and then be like, “I’m white.”

You know, like, that’s cultural appropriation, I think.

I mean, it’s, it’s not Blackface, but it is Guatemalan leg.

Like, it’s…

This isn’t my leg tone.

[audience laughing]

You gotta get one. It’s, um, it’s really easy.

You just go to a salon, you ask for the airbrush, they send you into a back room, you get totally naked, and then a teenage girl comes in…

[laughter]

…to learn about the future of her body.

I mean, yeah, I volunteer.

It’s helpful.

They have no idea what befalls them

’cause it all be fallin’.

I mean, it’s…

[audience laughing]

Oh, God.

I swear to God, every time I turn around, I hear a gasp because

I know what she’s seeing.

She’s seeing the folds of my ass cheeks just going down my leg.

You can tell how old a woman is by the folds.

It’s like the rings of a tree.

You count, and each fold is a decade.

And she’s like, “Okay, she’s 40. Huh.”

And she sprays you down with this, like, Agent Orange.

I mean, who even knows what this stuff is?

I’m breathing it in every week.

I’m definitely gonna get some kind of lung disease from it. I’m sure of it.

There’s gonna be some, like, epidemic in 20 years called like, Tan Lung.

And it’s gonna be ravaging old, hot women.

And…

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] To be honest, I’m actually really hoping for Tan Lung because, um, I’m gonna need the gig.

They’re gonna have a class action lawsuit.

And I would love to be the face of Tan Lung, ’cause my career’s going great now, but it can’t last this long.

I know eventually Hollywood is gonna kick me out

’cause I’m gonna do something horrible, like, age naturally.

[laughter]

Yeah, that’s “Me Too” for women.

That’s when they say, “Time’s up, bitch.” You know?

[laughter]

No, crow’s feet for women, are the same for men, as, uh, decades of rape. I think that’s it.

That’s where they go, “Get out! You’re a monster!”

[light laughter and cheering]

So, I gotta take the gig.

That’ll be a fun gig, to be honest with you.

It’ll be fun for you, too.

In 20 years, you turn on your TV, you’re like, “Who is that?”

And I’m like… [in grating voice] I’m Nikki Glaser.

[audience laughing]

You may remember me from The Roast of Tom Brady.

[normal voice] Just talkin’ through my trach.

You know, just…

[grating voice] Tan Lung is no laughing matter.

[normal voice] Like, just…

“Oh, my God! She’s still alive?”

[laughter]

That’s so fun. Maybe it’s me and Snooki?

Like, maybe we can get Snooki if she’s still kicking.

[audience exclaiming]

[Nikki laughing]

Just us RFK-Jr-ing out.

“Ah!”

[audience laughing]

That’s what he– He has Tan Lung, we can all agree.

He’s stage two.

It corresponds to the color he chose, I think.

But it’s all toxic.

You know, being a woman is a health hazard, it really is.

But if it works, it’s worth it, you know?

Spray tans, they work.

Shapewear, that’s another thing.

Deeply uncomfortable, but it works.

It just, like, sucks you in here like a blood pressure cuff, and it snatches your lower intestine into your asshole.

So, those two get to meet for the first time.

It gives you that hourglass shape that men love.

They love when your body looks like the timer in a game of Boggle.

They love that little hourglass.

That’s why it’s missing from all your board games.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

Go check under your teenage son’s mattress. That’s what he’s–

He’s fondling it in his room.

[laughter]

That’s why you hear him yelling “Yahtzee!” in the middle of the night. That’s it.

[audience cheering]

Your teenage son is cumming.

[cheering and applause]

The shapewear is intense, ’cause it sucks you in so hard up here, but then it’s connected at the bottom, right?

It’s like a thong.

And then throughout the night, it kinda just like weasels its way up, and just, like, bullying you up the front.

It’s crazy.

Do you ever go to the bathroom after wearing shapewear and you just lift up your skirt and it looks like you’re cutting clay?

It’s just, like, bisecting you up the…

[audience laughing]

It goes deep, dude.

Oh!

And there’s no snaps on it, so you just gotta pull it to the side.

It’s soaked in piss.

[audience laughing]

Just shooting out in 18 different directions.

One’s a perfect arc, like Calvin.

It’s horrible.

You gotta really hook it up there and pull it down.

And your pussy’s like,

[mimics breathing heavily]

And you snap it back up, it’s like,”Ooh, ah!”

I’ve got cauliflower clit.

I mean, it’s beat up, dude.

[audience laughing]

It’s horrible.

But it’s worth it.

These things are worth it, you know?

‘Cause they make you look hotter. They make you look fuckable.

And when you look fuckable, your life is great.

Like, everyone’s nicer to you.

You get things.

Being fuckable, there’s so many perks.

I think we misunderstand fuckable women.

Like, I think sometimes we see a woman with big, fake, shiny tits, and, like, Love Island lips.

And we’re like, “Whoa, she loves to get dicked down.”

And it’s like, no.

[audience laughing]

I think the worst part of a fuckable woman’s life is getting fucked.

I think that’s the worst three to six minutes of her month is when she has to be penetrated in order to even ask for the new Range Rover.

I mean, that’s what she has to do to get it.

[laughter]

No, being hot, it rules.

Being ugly? That fucking sucks, dude.

We don’t talk about that, right?

We don’t talk about ugly people.

[in patronizing voice] ‘Cause no one’s ugly.

[normal] Come on. Like, uh, there’s some people, they’re ugly.

It’s not a bad thing to say.

People go, “That’s so mean.” I’m like, “Is it?”

It just means their face isn’t symmetrical, like it’s–

I’m not saying they’re a bad person. It’s not their fault.

I mean, it’s their parents’ fault for being cousins or something, but it’s not their fault.

[laughter]

I’m sayin’ I have sympathy for ugly people.

I see you.

And I don’t want to, but I see you.

[audience laughing]

Ugly people are discriminated against.

We don’t talk about this, but there have been scientists that have done a study.

These ugly scientists got together and they were like, “Are we getting paid less?”

And it, it turns out that they are.

What they found is ugly people make 62 cents on the dollar that attractive people make.

So, what they found is, um, if you’re gross, you don’t gross.

And…

[audience laughing]

…it’s sad because ugly people can’t unionize.

There’s– Nothing will change.

What, are they gonna march with signs?

That are like, “We’re revolting!”

We’re like, “We know.”

[audience laughing]

You know, the thing is, like, we’re all a little bit ugly.

Like, I feel ugly sometimes.

And people go, “No, you’re not allowed to say that, you’re beautiful.”

And listen, I’m not a dog, but, like, I have proof I’m a goofy-looking girl, okay?

I did a roast one time on Comedy Central, and Blake Griffin got up there and he made a joke where he said that I looked like Larry Bird.

And…

[audience laughing]

…it wouldn’t have hurt unless I heard the crowd’s reaction, which was as if it was the truest thing they had ever heard.

I mean…

[audience laughing]

…it blew the roof off the place.

It, it came in waves as people were googling it and being like, “Oh, my God!” Like, it wouldn’t stop.

[audience laughing]

Devastating.

Larry Bird.

If you– If you don’t know who Larry Bird is, just picture “Larry Bird,” okay?

He looks exactly like his name.

[laughter]

I think his middle name is “the”.

I mean, no one has ever looked so much like their name since Peter Dinklage. I mean, it’s insane.

[audience laughing]

I was devastated.

[laughter continues]

I have a hard time having sympathy for hot women.

I, uh, I get jealous of hot women a lot.

It’s probably like the most disgusting part about me…

[inhales sharply]

…besides my pussy, but that’s–

We’ll get into that later.

That’s a little, uh, foreshadowing ’cause…

‘Cause it casts a shadow now. But it’s, um…

[audience laughing]

Ugh.

Get ready.

[laughter]

Yeah, I don’t know. Hot girls, do you ever feel that way about ’em?

Where you’re just like, [groaning] “Eh, eh.” Like…

Like, the worst it ever comes out in me, is like, you know, like, you hear about a woman that went missing, and then you’re like, “Oh, my God.”

And then you see a picture of her and you’re like, “Bye.” Like…

[audience laughing]

“Ta-ta, honey.”

[chuckles] “I’m not looking for you.

I’m not joining the search party.”

I’m tearing down posters like a Columbia student.

Like, I don’t want you found.

I just moved up in line, ’cause you’re laying in a creek bed somewhere.

[audience groaning]

So, I’m sorry about that, but it’s…

[chuckles] …sick.

But I do wonder sometimes, ’cause of my thoughts, I’m like, “Am I a sociopath?”

And then ChatGPT is like, “No, queen, you’re perfect.”

[audience laughing]

And I’m like, “I knew it.

“Thanks, ChatGPT.

You’re my best friend.”

[laughter]

But I’m still working on it, dude.

Like, I’m gonna get a facelift in a couple years.

[audience members] Whoo!

And– Thank you for cheering that on.

Most people are like, “Don’t! Don’t do it.”

[audience members cheering]

Thank you.

I’m– I don’t know whether to be insulted by you cheering it on or not, but I appreciate that.

What I don’t want when I get a facelift is anyone being like, [condescending voice] “That’s so sad she did that.

Why did she do that?”

[normal] And it– the answer is, it’s ’cause it’s gonna lead to a better life for me.

I’m on TV a lot.

I’m gonna look amazing. I’m gonna get better roles.

I’m gonna get paid more for those roles.

I’m gonna get fire emojis from Kristin Cavallari.

Like, it– Mm!

[audience laughing]

Do you know how good it feels to have Bowen Yang write “Diva,” with 19 A’s underneath a picture of you?

[audience cheering]

Looks like he just fell asleep on the keyboard, ’cause I was so slay.

[cheering and applause]

Oh, my God.

And so, I’m gonna get a facelift, and I just, I don’t like how we shame women who invest in their looks.

You know, we find out a girl get a facelift and we’re like, [condescending voice] “That’s really sad. “That’s really sad that you just can’t accept the face you were born with.”

[normal] And first of all, this isn’t the face I was born with. Okay?

I was born with a baby’s head. [smacks lips]

[audience laughing]

I don’t have a baby’s head on a woman’s body.

A reverse Ariana.

I don’t have that, you know?

[audience laughing]

[Nikki chuckles]

I can improve it.

You know? And, and, and it’s not sad.

[condescending voice] It’s so sad you can’t accept the face you have.

[normal] And it’s like, why is that sad?

But then when women spend, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars on, like, a sociology degree, no one’s like, [condescending] “That’s really sad “you can’t accept your dumb brain for what it is.

“Why do you have to change it?

“That’s a really bad example for your daughter and her dumb brain.

How is she supposed to feel… [babbling] about that?”

[laughter]

[normal] But it’s gonna look good. My facelift is gonna be so good.

I’m gonna spend the right amount of money. I’m gonna go to the right doctor.

Whoever Kris Jenner went to, I’m gonna find him.

[audience laughing and cheering]

We know.

You go to the right guy, and it’s amazing.

Face work is so good now, ’cause people are like, “What if they ruin your face?”

I’m like, “It doesn’t happen anymore.”

You know, shout out to the ladies of the ’80s and ’90s who underwent cosmetic procedures and sacrificed your faces so that we could have…

[laughter]

…amazing, snatched jawlines.

Thank you so much for your service. Thank you.

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God.

When I see a woman with just like a very obvious–

Like, she just walked into a haunted house kind of face, like…

[audience laughing]

I’m like, “Thank you honey.

“I feel like you should board planes before veterans.

“Like, I truly…

[laughter]

“You sacrificed so much.

[laughter and applause]

“Your face looked like it stepped on an IED.

“Like, it’s…

[laughter continues]

You’re the real wounded warriors.”

There are certain things I think that we do for beauty that I’m, like, kind of giving up on because I’m not getting the return on them.

I think nails are a waste of our time and energy.

I have a boyfriend of 15 years.

He’s never once noticed that I’ve gotten my nails done, ever.

And they go up his asshole.

So if he’s not clocking it, who cares?

[laughter]

[audience members] Whoo!

I’m like, “Babe, I got ’em bedazzled for your pleasure.

“Like, there’s rhinestones on it. Is that not…?

[audience laughing]

No?”

But I’m sick of getting my nails done.

You have to just sit there every two weeks for two hours.

You can’t be on your phone.

You can’t do anything.

This is why we make less money than men, I think.

It’s like these crucial hours during the day when you could be working.

[audience members cheering]

Those hours?

Men are on their phones, they’re doing deals, cheating on you. You’re just…

[audience laughing]

…looking around the salon, like, bored out of your mind.

The best entertainment they have is Beat Bobby Flay on mute.

You’re like…

[audience laughing]

…”Is that ricotta or Greek yogurt?

Oh, I’ll never know.”

It’s not fun.

I think men think that women like to go to nail salons, like, together, and it’s like a girls’ day, and we just chit-chat the whole time.

It’s not like that.

Like, you can go to the nail salon with a friend, but you get separated at the border, immediately.

They do not let you sit together.

[audience laughing]

They put you in the manicure station, her in the pedicure station.

You’re just like, blinking Morse code at each other, like, “Are you okay?”

You look over at her.

She’s doing the worm in the massage chair.

[audience laughing]

Trying to talk herself out of an $80 upcharge to remove her calluses that she needs to walk, like…

[audience laughing]

[Nikki chuckling]

[cheering and applause]

It’s not fun.

[cheering and applause continues]

God, it’s so isolating.

So boring. You can’t talk to the woman doing your nails, ’cause… slavery.

I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know!

[audience laughing]

She seems sad and stuck.

Is it just me?

[laughter continues]

I look at her name tag. I’m like, “Her name’s not Rebecca O’Malley.”

Like, this…

[audience laughing]

“Something’s being covered up here.”

And then at the end, you go to Venmo them and you see their real name, it looks like a license plate.

And you’re like, “Okay, well, this is, this is the truth.”

[audience laughing]

[Nikki laughs]

I don’t know that they’re slaves. This is just… This is all based on this article I read in The New York Times, like ten years ago, about New York City nail salons.

And I was living in New York at the time. So, I was like, “What’s going on?”

And it turns out they’re, like, all indentured servants.

These women have miserable lives. It was really heartbreaking. It was–

It was the kind of thing you read where you’re like, “Well, I can’t support that anymore.”

And I was really proud of myself, ’cause I, immediately, I stopped going for two weeks, ’cause that’s when my gels started peeling and I was like, “What do I do?”

And then you go back. But– But you–

If you wait two weeks, that’s fine. That’s long enough.

You wait two weeks and then you can convince yourself, like… “They fixed it.”

Like, someone got in there, shook things up.

Things are good.

And now, I go back in, I’m just a little bit nicer.

You know, I walk in kind of like, “Hi, slaves.”

Like, I don’t say it, but I like…

[audience laughing]

…try to communicate it by furrowing my brow like, “Slaves.”

Then you sit down, and you have to just stick your hands in little different bowls of cancer.

I mean, this is so toxic.

[audience laughing]

This is a solvent meant to dissolve plastic, and you’re just resting your fingers in it.

[laughter]

How can this be good?

I don’t even know what it is. I try to read the label.

There’s just like a picture of a baby’s head with an X through it,

and I’m like…

[audience laughing]

“I guess babies shouldn’t drink it?

“That’s probably what that means.

“I need a new form of birth control anyway, so this is good.

[laughter]

This is really, really good.”

And you just wait there. Sometimes they make you soak for so long, ’cause they go and they work on another client, or they give a handjob in the back, you know, just their sidework they’re getting done.

[audience laughing]

And you’re like, “Okay, I think I’m good

’cause it’s like starting to hit bone.”

And so, you’re like…

[audience laughing]

“I’m just gonna scoop my soggy phalanges out.”

[laughter]

And that’s always when they see you.

Don’t ever do anything for yourself in a nail salon.

You wait to be told.

‘Cause the second you do, they go, “No, no, no, back in!”

And they slap your hand.

And I’m like, “Oh, my God, so sorry.”

Instantly back in.

You’re the slave now.

Like, just take it.

[audience laughing]

It’s like, “So sorry.”

She takes out that Dremel drill to get the plastic off.

She goes hard on that.

[imitates grinding noise]

Just locked-eyed with you.

[imitates grinding noise]

There’s like shrapnel hitting you in the face and like…

[audience laughing]

…just a microplastic dust cloud that you’re just breathing in.

You, like, see it going in.

Ugh!

It’s horrible for you.

She’s not breathing it in, ’cause they wear masks, right? That’s why they wear masks.

I didn’t realize that. I just figured out recently that they wear masks in nail salons because it’s like toxic chemicals.

I don’t know what I thought was going on with the masks before then.

Like…

[audience laughing]

…I think my white brain was just like, “Asian.

“Like, they love masks.

“That’s their heritage. It’s their culture.

[audience laughing]

“You know, she was a surgeon in the village she came from before…

[audience laughing]

“…before she was zip-tied in a shipping container and landed on our shores.

[audience gasping]

So, it reminds her of home. It’s sweet.”

[laughter]

No. It’s toxic.

So, um, I think I’m obsessed with this because it’s just been brought to my attention that there are women, like, in the States being trafficked.

Because every time you go into a women’s restroom in a public place, there is a poster on the back of the stall asking you if you’re being trafficked.

We have these, right, ladies? Do you know what I’m talking about?

Yes. They’re in every world language.

Um, I always look for English, and it just is very small at the bottom.

And it says, “You wish,” but…

[audience laughing]

…it’s, it’s not really for us.

But, men don’t have these posters in their stalls.

That’s what I’ve learned.

I guess you guys have posters that are like, “Hey, need a slave? Text ‘traffic’ to 69-69.”

[laughter]

Is that what you have?

No. [chuckles]

No, you have signs for more pressing issues in your bathrooms.

Like, washing your hands.

You know, as soon as we–

[audience laughing]

As soon as we beat that, we’ll get to the slaves.

[laughing] It’s just…

But being, uh– Being, like, trafficked is a real fear for young girls now.

I-I have a lot of Gen Z friends who are like, “I’m scared to go out alone.

Like, what if I get trafficked?” And I’m like, “Wow, that was not a fear for me in my 20s.”

I’m 41, and when I was in my 20s, we just feared, like, good old-fashioned rape, you know, like, we didn’t…

[audience laughing]

I didn’t think it would be a career. You know, I didn’t think…

[laughter continues]

I just thought it was a temp position in that parking garage.

I didn’t think it would last forever.

But they’re really scared. It’s rubbed off on me.

Sometimes when I’m with them, I’m like, “Yeah, I’m scared we’re gonna get trafficked.”

And they’re like, “You’re fine.

“Like…

[audience laughing]

…you’ve aged out of getting trafficked.”

[laughter continues]

[Nikki chuckles]

You just try to do your part. You know, do your best.

There’s so many things in the world that need your attention, but do what you can.

I’m, uh, I’m vegan, so I know I’m better than you.

And, um…

[audience laughing]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I became vegan like, ten years ago, ’cause I saw factory farm footage, and I was just so disturbed by what I saw that I, I just couldn’t eat animals after that.

And it doesn’t work for everything, ’cause I’m now trying to take a break from porn because it’s gotten too dark.

I mean, the porn I watch looks like factory farm footage,

and so…

[audience laughing]

…it’s weird that I can’t stop watching it. It’s–

Why is it that when I see it happen to animals, I cry, but when I see it happen to women, [mumbling] I cum harder than I ever have in my life?

I can’t–

[audience laughing]

These are not cage-free whores.

They’re literally caged, sometimes. It’s–

[sighs] I watch a lot of porn.

I-I mean, I probably watch as much as the average 41-year-old plumber.

I think that’s probably…

[audience laughing]

But that’s what happens with porn.

It’s a drug. You get desensitized to the thing you’re watching, and you need something weirder, something just crazier to get you off.

You know, ’cause it’ll start off sweet. Like, I’m like, “Oh, girl on girl.”

And then it’s like, “Oh, you know what? This isn’t really hitting.

“Like, maybe I need, like, a stepmom stuck in a dryer.

“You know, like…

[audience laughing]

“…that’s my new thing.

That’s good. That’s where it’ll stop. That’s all I need.”

[laughter continues]

And then after a while, that’s fucking nothing.

You’re just like, “Nothing? I need something else?”

And then it ends up you need to watch like a MILF getting fisted in a Target bathroom on, like, a Koala changing table.

[audience laughing]

That’s where I’m at.

You know the Koala changing table?

Men have those in their bathrooms, right?

‘Cause that– You need them in case a MILF needs to get fisted.

Is that what– That’s what they’re for in a men’s room, right?

That’s where I’m at. I like fisting porn now.

I just– I can’t believe it either.

It’s disgusting.

I never thought I’d be here.

I, I, I remember the first time fisting was even suggested to me by porn.

‘Cause porn will, like, monitor your habits, and they’re like, “Hey, you know, “based on all the gangbangs you’ve been watching,

“um…

[audience laughing]

“…we don’t have any more.

So, maybe a fisting compilation.”

I was like, “What the fuck?” I was offended, I was like, “Get this off my screen. Gross!”

And they were like, “We’ll see you in a month.”

And they were right.

[audience laughing]

I love it.

I’m in my fisting era. I love it.

[laughter]

‘Cause I like seeing women doing feats of athleticism that are just out of this world, and fisting is insane.

To have a whole man’s fist and arm go in your pussy, that’s incredible.

I’m, like, blown away at these women, ’cause it seems impossible. That’s what I like about it.

It seems impossible, but you know it’s not.

A– A baby’s head is supposed to come out of there, so it can fit.

But, like, how?

It’s kinda like… You know what it’s like?

It’s like, um, when you try to put a sleeping bag back into the bag it came in.

Like, that’s…

[audience laughing]

Where you’re like, “We know it was there once.

It has to go. But how?”

That’s what I like.

[laughter and cheering]

I love it.

And I love– I love the dynamic between the fister and the fist-ee.

Like, I like…

[audience laughing]

I like when the guy is, like, kind of gruff and mean.

He’s like, “Take it, you fucking whore.”

Like, I like when he’s like, mean.

There’s something about that. I want that guy to be so mean.

But he, like, believes in her.

Like, I love that.

[audience laughing]

It’s sweet.

I love that, like, Russian gymnastics coach energy, you know, like, [with Russian accent] “You can do it, Carrie!”

[normal] And like…

[audience laughing]

…I like that.

And then the best part is when he does get it in, and then he gets it in, and then he goes, “Good girl.”

And that’s like, “Oh! Yahtzee!”

Like, that…

[audience laughing]

Close the laptop. I’m good to go.

Like, “Good girl,” every girl loves it.

Every girl is horny to be told, “Good girl.”

And it’s– I rarely generalize, but I have yet to meet a woman or a gay man– bottom– who doesn’t love to be called, “Good girl.”

We all love it.

Please say it.

[audience members cheering]

I’m telling you, we all like it.

And I know that there are men that are scared to say it, because you’re like, “It sounds like I’m her dad,” but it’s like, exactly.

[audience laughing]

Okay, just do it.

Be my dad, you know?

It is it.

We want to be good girls.

And it frees us of the shame that sex brings upon us, you know?

We live in a really puritanical Christian society, and we absorb all the shame of, like, “Oh, if I enjoy sex, “if I like cumming, there’s something wrong with me.

“I’m a bad girl and I might not get into heaven.

Jesus might be mad ’cause I’m a whore.”

[audience laughing]

Right?

We kind of feel sad about it.

But not if a guy says, “Good girl,” after you do something whorish.

[audience laughing]

Frees you of it.

‘Cause after he says, “Good girl,” you’re like, “I’m not a whore.

“I’m just an A student.

You know? That was just the assignment.”

[audience laughing]

You’re like, I could roll up on the pearly gates with a pearly face and be like, “Listen, I didn’t want this. You think I like this?

“You think I like this?

“No, I was heeding the man.

“Jebediah anointed me with his seed.

“I had nothing to do with this.

[audience laughing]

“He did it in a cross. You’ve heard of Ash Wednesday?

“Well, he told me it was Splooge Tuesday.

“Is that not a thing?

[laughter]

“Have I been tricked?

Okay, which way is Hell? Okay.”

[audience laughing]

[Nikki chuckles]

Hmm.

Cum on the face is kinda crazy. I mean…

[laughter]

…let’s talk about it for a second.

I’ve–

I’ve done it like a handful of times

this week, but it’s not–

[audience laughing]

It’s not an everyday thing.

I think it’s a nice thing to, to offer a guy that you really love.

I’m talking about like your husband. Someone you really love.

He’s seen it, girls. He’s jerked off to women getting cum on their face.

And I know it was before he met you tonight to come to the show.

But, it’s…

[audience laughing]

…it’s in his past. He’s seen it.

But he wouldn’t dream of asking you to cum on your face.

You know, you have to ask.

You have to be like, “Cum on my face.” And he’ll be like, “What?”

“Matthew Templeton-Green, cum on my face.”

You gotta get mommy about it.

They like that, too.

[laughter and applause]

And this is something he’s only seen on a screen.

So, when he gets to do it, he’s gonna be like, “The movies are real!”

[babbling]

“Whoa!” Like, the wonder.

It’s like he’s going to Universal Studios for the first time.

He’s like, “Whoa!”

You can give a Make-AWish to a middle-aged man.

How cool is that?

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

But you– But you, you have to ask ’cause he’s not gonna ask.

He wants it. But your sweet husband? He’s not gonna ask.

He’s not gonna be like, “I’m gonna cum on your fuckin’ face.”

Like, that’s…

[audience laughing]

You didn’t marry a Persian club promoter.

Like, you’re not…

[audience laughing]

Your husband isn’t Dean Cain.

So, he’s not gonna ask.

[laughter continues]

Your sweet husband who has to ask your permission to eat a second cupcake, isn’t gonna be like, “Part your bangs, Bridget!”

Like… [grunts]

[audience laughing]

Like, no, he’s a nice guy.

You gotta ask.

[laughter continues]

Ladies, can you imagine in bed if your husband asked you if you wanted something that you would have always wanted, but, like, were too afraid to ask?

It would be like the same thing as if your husband was like, “Hey, tonight, do you want me to go downstairs “and do the dishes while this Black guy comes in to fuck you?”

You’d be like…

[audience laughing]

[audience members clapping]

“The movies are real!”

[cheering and applause]

[chuckles] Same thing.

And listen, I know– I know cum in the face is a little degrading, but it’s a gift you can give that’s free.

All it costs is a little dignity. And it’s like, who cares?

It– It’s– It’s kind of fun.

It looks like you just won a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award.

That, that’s like…

[audience laughing]

…kind of like, “You got slimed, who cares?”

[laughter continues]

It’s fun.

Just don’t get it in your eye. That’s the only thing that I would recommend. Don’t get it in your eye.

I got it in my eye one time.

I, I didn’t mean to, but he did, and–

And so…

[audience laughing]

…it got in my eye, and I, I wasn’t worried at first, ’cause I was like, you know, it’s not gonna be soothing by any means, but I thought, “Oh, it’ll sting like shampoo or something,” but it stung like Sriracha.

Like, I don’t know what the Scoville rating on semen is, but we gotta get this stuff on Hot Ones.

I mean, it was acidic.

[audience laughing]

It was searing my eyehole.

I was screaming. I was like… [screams]

Like, it felt like an acid attack.

I was like, “Am I a woman in Sudan with an opinion?

“Like, what the fuck?

[audience laughing]

I promise I won’t drive!”

I was like, writhing in agony.

[laughter]

I’m like, “Does it burn coming out?”

Is that– Is that why you guys sound like that when you’re like…

[groaning loudly]

Like, is it–

[audience laughing]

Is it searing your dick hole?

What’s happening? ‘Cause…

[audience cheering]

…that honestly would make sense why you look and sound like that.

[cheering and applause]

It was horrible.

I was freaking out.

I, um, and I knew it was infecting, like, I felt an eye infection come on.

I’ve had a lot of eye infections.

I’ve– I’ve had pink eye a lot ’cause I love Skee-Ball.

And so I was like, “I know what this is.

I gotta get the drops, you know?”

‘Cause I had to be on TV the next day and I was like, “I can’t do The View with cum in my eye.

Who am I, Joy Behar?” You know?

[laughter]

So, I had to go to urgent care, and I, I, I drive over there and I’m, like, so nervous to tell the doctor, like what happened.

But I gotta tell him the truth.

So, I’m trying to dress it up in, like, doctor talk.

And so, I’m like, “Um, so, during coitus, my…

[audience laughing]

“…paramour, um, “accidentally ejaculated seminal fluid into my ocular cum hole.

“I mean…

[audience laughing]

…I mean my eye.”

I could have said “eye.”

He didn’t care.

Doctors don’t care. They’ve heard it all.

He was immediately, like, just jotting down my prescription.

And he diagnosed me as a “good girl.”

And I was like, “What?”

[audience laughing]

“What’d you say?

Really?”

[cheering and applause]

I was like, “You can get the other eye if you want.

“I got the drops. We might as well.

I can treat it.”

[audience laughing]

[Nikki chuckles]

Oh, guys, I’m 41.

I don’t have kids.

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

I’m 41. No kids.

Uh, I don’t want kids.

Um, being a mom, I look at it and I’m like, “Oh, that is so much work.”

And that’s why I would be a dad, like tonight.

Like, I…

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

I don’t…

Be a dad.

[cheering continues]

Absolutely, be a dad.

[applause continues]

First of all, if you’re a dad, and– and let’s say you don’t like it, you can leave.

[audience laughing]

Like, you can just be like, “This isn’t for me, I’m not ready.” And you can split.

We don’t love it, you know?

But it’s precedented. It’s not insane.

You know, the deadbeat dad, that’s–

That’s an American archetype.

You know, the deadbeat dad?

I think it’s the Florida State bird. I think he’s getting it changed.

Has it happened yet?

[laughter and applause]

Moms can’t leave. You know?

It’s a full-time job to be a mom.

And, and to be a dad, it’s like a paid internship at your uncle’s company.

I mean, it’s just…

[audience laughing]

It’s not– It’s not nothing to be a dad, but it’s close. I mean, it’s so close…

[audience laughing]

…to nothing.

It is. I’m not mad about it.

I’m just jealous.

I just want to be a dad.

‘Cause if you do stick around and you’re a good dad, we, like, lose our minds at anything you do.

Because the bar is so low.

You get so much credit.

[laughter]

There’s, like, a whole TikTok subgenre of dads doing their daughters’ hair for the first time, ’cause their wife is hanging herself in the basement or something.

You know, like it’s…

[audience laughing]

[laughing] She finally found a way out.

But…

[laughter continues]

…we love these videos, right?

Of dads like, just being like, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

And he’s like using a vacuum cleaner to suck up her ponytail, and like, a bread tie to tie it off.

He’s like putting a chip clip on top.

Like, “Is this good?”

We’re like, “No, it looks like shit, but we love it.”

We’re like, “It’s so funny! Hehe!”

Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Share. Share. Share.

It has millions of views.

It goes viral.

The guy’s on Good Morning America the next Monday to talk about it.

[laughter]

They’re like, “Today on our show, we’re dedicating our Mother’s Day episode “to a different kind of mom…

[audience laughing]

…a dad.”

[light applause]

What? Oh, we love it.

And he’s being interviewed and they’re like, “John, now tell us what compelled you “to do the bare minimum?

“Like, walk us through what was going through your head “when you decided to spend time with your girl child?

That’s crazy.”

[audience laughing]

We can’t believe it.

Can you imagine if someone sent you a TikTok of a mom doing her daughter’s hair?

You’d be like, “What the fuck is this?

Why am I watching this?”

[audience laughing]

You’d be like, “Is there gonna be like, a home invasion or something?

“Like, where’s the payoff? What’s…?

“Oh, does the ceiling fan fall off and chop off both their heads?

“‘Cause…

[audience laughing]

…what’s the point?”

No, we don’t– [laughing] We don’t care.

Moms could be doing their daughters’ hair perfectly, and we would still scrutinize.

The comments would be awful. They’d be like…

[in mean voice] You’re pulling too hard!

She’s a girl, not a horse!

[audience laughing]

I hope your uterus falls out!

Why haven’t you said anything about Palestine?!

[laughter continues]

We need to know where you stand!

[normal voice] Jesus Christ.

[audience laughing]

It’s too hard.

It’s too stressful to be a mom.

I’m too stressed to be an aunt, I really am.

I was staying with my sister, uh, not too long ago at her house, and at one point I was like, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

And my nephew comes running in the room and he’s like…

[high-pitched] I’m wanna take a shower with you.

I wanna take a shower with you.

[normal voice] He’s 18. I was like, “What is going on with his voice?

Why is no one talking about this?”

He’s frozen in time.

What’s happening?

[audience laughing]

No. [chuckles] He was four, and, um…

[laughter]

And it was cute, you know, he wanted to hang out with me in the shower, but I guess it’s not weird. My sister was like, “Oh, it’s fine.

We do it. He goes in with us, you can go in.”

And I was like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.

“I just don’t…

[audience laughing]

I don’t think you should do that.” And she was like, “It’s fine.”

And I go, “Well, maybe if you like, come in and watch us?

I think that’s maybe better.”

She was like, “Why?”

And I’m like, “‘Cause what if I molest him?

“I mean, I just feel like…

[audience laughing]

Do you know I won’t, you know?”

She was like, “I thought I did.”

And I’m like, “Good. You don’t know.

[audience laughing]

You don’t know.”

She doesn’t.

But she asked. She was like, “Would you?”

And I was like, “No! What the fuck? Ew!

“I would never!

But that’s what I’d say if I was gonna.”

You know? Like, I’d lie.

Pedophiles lie.

[audience laughing]

They’re not undercover cops.

They don’t gotta tell you what they’re about, you know?

You can’t trust anyone.

I mean, and I know I’m an aunt, but aunts are just female uncles, dude.

Like, come on.

[audience laughing]

Open your eyes.

And I know that I won’t if I think about it. It’s like, “Blech.”

But, like, what if it’s something you don’t know that you are until you get in there and then you’re like, “Oh, this is my thing.”

You know? Like, what if it opens up a part of my brain that’s dormant?

[laughter, groaning]

No one chooses to be a pedophile.

It just lands there.

I can’t– You don’t– Don’t mess with that. You know?

People think this is crazy, but I’m like, “How many times in my life have I looked at something and been like, ‘That is disgusting. I would never do that.'”

And now I’m like, “Pickleball is kind of fun, actually.”

So, like, I…

[audience laughing]

I don’t trust my brain.

Just don’t get, like, male babysitters.

I can’t even understand why people get male babysitters.

It’s–

If you got one tonight, I’m sure it’s fine.

But, like, what are you doing?

[audience laughing]

Oh, boy, you’re playing with fire, I’m just saying.

I’m sure you got a good one.

And I’m sure you have cameras.

And if you don’t, he does.

But what I’m saying is, don’t…

[audience laughing]

I’m not saying all male babysitters are pedophiles.

That’s not what I’m saying.

I’m just saying if I was a pedophile, I know what line of work I would look into.

I mean, they follow their dreams, you know?

It’s the easiest way in, too.

They don’t have to join the Catholic priesthood and LARP their way through that bullshit.

[audience laughing]

That’s an in.

But it’s a lot of work, you know?

They don’t have to befriend a billionaire with an island.

And, like, you don’t have to sit next to Bill Gates on a private plane.

You don’t have to help Stephen Hawking up a ramp.

I mean, that’s like a lot of stuff…

[audience laughing]

…to get to what you want.

But male babysitter, you just got to be like, “I’m free Thursday.”

It’s like your TSA PreCheck.

[audience laughing]

You’re right in.

So, don’t get ’em.

And, uh– And if you did get one tonight, uh, these are just jokes.

You don’t need to leave the show early to relieve him.

Your toddler already did, but that’s the worst–

[audience exclaiming and groaning]

Listen,

I know.

[laughter and groaning]

It’s the worst joke I’ve ever told.

It’s the worst thing I’ve ever thought.

You think I want to think that?

[whispering] What the fuck?

[light laughter]

[audience member exclaiming]

But… back to Arlo wanting to take a shower with me.

It’s…

[audience laughing]

I think I just didn’t want him to see my vagina, ’cause I remember when he asked, my first thought was like, “What does my vagina look like?”

Like, that’s…

[audience laughing]

And that’s a weird thought, ’cause that means, like–

I’m not trying to say there’s an ideal version of it for him, like, “Arlo, check it out. Like, I shaved PAW Patrol into it.”

Like, that’s…

[audience laughing]

It’s not like it’s ever good enough for him to see.

But this day, I thought it would just be too jarring for him.

I had grown out all the hair.

He would have seen it and thought it was Shel Silverstein on the back of The Giving Tree.

You know, it would just…

[audience laughing]

And believe me, it was giving tree top.

And so, it was like, I just didn’t want to ambush him with my aunt bush.

I mean, it’s like…

[audience laughing]

‘Cause he’s four, right?

And four is the age where you have your first memory.

And I feel like he would have looked at my giant bush, and then his consciousness would have been like, “And, we’re live. Start recording.”

It’s just like…

[audience laughing]

I can’t do that to him.

‘Cause that happened to me. It did.

I saw my aunt’s vagina at a really young age before I was ready.

Not that I’d ever be ready, but…

[audience laughing]

And I remember it so well.

It’s one of my most vivid memories.

We were on a speedboat in Lake Michigan.

My aunt was driving.

Okay, one hand on the wheel, cigarette in mouth, and she used her free hand to, right in front of my face, put a tampon in. Just slipped it to the side, loaded a tampon in.

It happened so fast.

She was like John Wick. It was like… [mimics loading sound]

Like loading a gun.

[audience laughing]

It was like John Wick, but with more blood.

I mean, I was like, “What am I seeing?”

I had no clue what I was watching.

I mean, she was putting this big cardboard thing–

You know, one of those old Tampax ’80s ones?

[audience laughing]

Looked like a paper towel roll.

You know, like it was–

It squeaked when it went in.

She took the remnants, threw ’em behind her.

They hit my cousin in the head, as he’s, he’s tubing.

He’s like, “What the…?”

[audience laughing]

He got tubed while tubing.

[laughter]

I learned so much.

I didn’t even know what I learned.

I just learned there’s storage up there. And I was like, “Ah…

[audience laughing]

…a place for my POGs. Fuck, yeah. Okay.”

[laughter continues]

But it’s really the only thing I remember from that trip.

And, um, my cousin drowned that day, so it’s…

[audience laughing]

Don’t remember how. I– Yeah.

So, um, I’m gonna take off my jacket ’cause, um…

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

[audience whistling, cheering and applauding]

[audience member wolf whistles]

Yeah.

This is the part of the show where I get into horrifying detail about the state of my vagina.

And…

[audience laughing]

…so, just ’cause I’m giving you graphic imagery about what’s going on down there, I just want to remind you that I have amazing tits.

So, that’s why this is off.

[laughter and cheering]

Focus on these for what you’re about to hear.

Here, Dad, take this.

[laughing]

It’s my dad.

[cheering and applause]

He’s shrouding himself in it.

Good boy.

[audience laughing]

[Nikki laughs]

So, let’s talk about it.

So, my pussy is now 41 inches long

and it’s starting…

[audience laughing]

…to fall down the sides.

Each outer lip is like getting a little Salvador Dali-esque, like the melting clocks.

It’s not good.

And I want you to know it’s gonna happen to all of you young ladies.

I know you don’t think this.

I remember being you of, like, “Not me.”

‘Cause maybe you’re one of these girls that just has, like, two lips in a line, little Dua Lipa. Mm.

[audience laughing]

Fuck you. Fuck you, if you have two lips in a line.

Oh!

I’ve always wanted two lips in a line.

I’ve never been able to get it.

I have to like stuff everything in.

Like, I can get it, but I stuff it all in.

And then I have to put some lash glue on the sides, and then I have to squeeze it together.

I sing “Happy Birthday”…

[audience laughing]

…and then I can let it go.

And it’s like, “Yeah!” It doesn’t look the same as yours.

It looks like Louis Armstrong playing the trumpet.

You know, it’s like…

[audience laughing]

It’s just drooping.

It’s like falling down.

I’m starting to grow out my bush just to give it like a chiseled jawline.

You know, like fat men do with beards?

Just cover it up.

‘Cause it falls.

No one ever told me it would fall.

Does it fall off eventually?

Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?

I don’t need it anymore.

It just, it’s changed for me.

I used to worry about camel toe.

Now I’m worried about basset hound head.

So, it’s like…

[audience laughing]

Have you ever just looked at your aging genitals after not seeing them for a while and just thought to yourself, “Oh, I guess I can’t leave my husband.”

You know? “I can’t take this out on the marketplace.

[audience laughing]

“I’ll stay with him. He doesn’t care.

He’s grandfathered in. You know, I…”

[audience laughing]

There comes a point in your life where your pussy looks so bedraggled that you’re like, “I can’t go through another vaginal reveal with someone.”

You know?

[audience laughing]

You know what I mean?

That tense moment where a guy touches your pussy for the first time and you, like, hold your breath like… [gasps]

Like you’re about to hear the winner of American Idol.

Like, you’re just like, “What’s the verdict?”

[audience laughing]

And then he has to, like, sort through your labia that you’ve kind of, like, crammed into the middle.

It’s like, clumped together, like day-old Thai food, you know?

[audience laughing]

Just like congealed Pad See Ew.

[laughter continues]

Yeah, Pad See Ew.

He pads it, he sees it.

He’s like, “Ew!” You know? It’s…

[audience laughing]

My whole life has been insecurities about my vagina.

They change all the time.

You know, I think when you first start out as a young woman, you’re hooking up with guys, you’re so scared that they’re gonna make fun of your pussy.

‘Cause you hear, “Oh, smell is a bad thing.”

[audience laughing]

So, you worry, but you don’t really know what it’s supposed to smell like.

I, I still do the smell test before I hook up.

I’ll just, like… [sniffs]

I’m like, “Ugh!”

[audience laughing]

“Perfect, okay.”

[laughter and applause]

‘Cause… it should smell bad.

It’s a wet pocket, three inches from my asshole.

Like, it’s…

[audience laughing]

It shouldn’t smell good.

[laughter continues]

[sings] ♪ Wet pocket ♪

Um…

[audience laughing]

[Nikki laughs]

[audience cheering]

So, you worry about smell.

You worry about tightness.

‘Cause you hear jokes that guys make.

Funny jokes. They’re like, “Oh, this girl was so loose, it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

You’ve heard that, right?

When I heard that, I’m like, “That sounds quite fun, actually.”

Just to, like, toss a hot dog down a hallway and watch it, like, flap around, like, that’s fun.

And also, that kinda sounds like a hot dog problem to me.

Like that’s…

[audience laughing]

Is that on us?

[cheering and applause]

Yeah.

I don’t think you can throw a redwood tree down a hallway, is all I’m saying. It’s all I’m saying.

[cheering continues]

Knock on wood.

[cheering and applause]

[chuckles] But it’s funny ’cause whenever you complain about these like vaginal insecurities, there’s like always an older woman that overhears you and she’s always like, [in gruff voice] “Ah, they don’t care as long as it’s warm and wet.”

[normal voice] And you’re like, “Thanks, Obi-Wine Kenobi. I didn’t ask.”

[audience laughing]

I don’t even have wet anymore.

I can’t be like, “Well, at least it’s wet.”

I’m 41. I don’t get wet.

The best I get is… tacky?

Like, it’s like…

[audience laughing]

[smacking lips]

Like an old man’s mouth.

It like… Mm. [smacking lips]

[audience laughing]

It smacks.

I literally hear it smack when I open my legs sometimes.

[laughter continues]

It’s humiliating.

Never wet. Ever.

Not, never. I get, like, little spurts of it.

Probably like two a month. I get a little…

[mimics squirting noise]

[audience laughing]

Just out of nowhere. Just… [mimics squirting noise]

It’s not connected to me being turned on, I don’t think.

‘Cause the last time it happened, I was at Starbucks and they were like, “We’re out of oat milk.”

And I’m like… [mimics squirting noise] Like, right, right on it.

I was like…

[audience laughing]

“Why that?

He wasn’t even mean about it. Like, why am I horny?”

[laughter continues]

He’s like, “We have coconut milk.”

I’m like, “I do, too, actually. I just brewed my own.”

[laughter]

I think my biggest insecurity about my vagina my whole life, has been the inner lips, the labia minora.

My minora are majora.

Yeah, like, they’re…

[audience laughing]

…hanging out.

And I really didn’t know this was a thing.

I was 19 when I figured out that this might be a problem.

I was a virgin. No one had ever seen my vagina.

I figured, “Oh, I have the same vagina as everyone else.”

And then one night I was listening to a Dane Cook album, one of my favorite comedians, and he had a great joke about going down on a girl with too many lips.

“Oh, too many lips.” And I was like, “What’s this?”

And he described it like, uh, he said at one point, it was like getting lost in the stage curtains of his high school.

[audience laughing]

He was like, rolling around in them.

It was hilarious.

But I was like, “What’s he talking about?”

And I looked down at mine and there was a production of Brigadoon going on down there.

I’m like…

[audience laughing]

“Dane Cook wouldn’t fuck me!”

[audience laughing]

And I was like, “Oh my God, I cannot have this kind of vagina.”

I was like, “I have to do something about it.”

So, I was like, researching into, um, labiaplasty.

I was broke, but I was saving up money for the surgery where they take off your labia, and they donate it to Lobes of Love for kids who have been afflicted with childhood earlobe cancer.

It’s a beautiful organization.

But…

[audience laughing]

But it was a race against time, right?

So I’m 19, and I desperately want to hook up.

But I can’t because I, I just imagine that if any guy even fingers me, he’d be like, “What is this?”

And he’d be like… [mimics retching]

And, like, puke on me and leave me in the woods.

And he wouldn’t be able to untangle his hand, and he’d have to 127 hours hisself out.

And…

[audience laughing]

I just had this whole story.

So, I was like, “I have to fix it.”

And then, I went to this party in college with a bunch of my friends, and it was crazy because this guy I had liked all of college, he finally broke up with his girlfriend, and my friends were like, “He wants to be with you and you’re gonna hook up finally!”

But I, I didn’t want to tell them ’cause I didn’t tell anyone.

Like, it’s ironic I’m talking about it into a microphone now, because at the time, this pussy stuff, like, I kept it inside.

Not it, but like, the idea of it…

[audience laughing]

…was in my heart.

I hadn’t told anyone.

But then my friends were like, “You’re gonna hook up with him!”

And I was like, “I can’t.” And they were like, “What do you mean?” I was like, “[sniffling] My pussy is… my pussy is wack.” And, um–

And I said “wack” because this was 2005 and we said that then, okay?

[audience laughing]

I was like, “My pussy looks like it’s saying, ‘Wuzzup!'” You know, like…

1-[audience laughing]

…they got it.

This was 2005.

I’m wearing juicy sweatpants.

Not the brand. They just were.

But, um…

[audience laughing]

But they were like, “What are you talking about, Nikki?

Wha– We’ve never heard of this.” And I was like, “Well, like, you know how most of the time “it’s just like two lips in a line, while like in that line, “there’s like a… [sighs] “it looks like there’s like a baby octopus “coming out to, like, forage for food for the first time, you know, like on a nature documentary where it’s like coming out?”

And they were like, “I think so?”

And they go, “I, I think ours are like that.”

And I was like, “What?

Show me. Show me now!”

[audience laughing]

And they were like, “Okay.” ‘Cause they’re good friends.

And so, they were like, “Let’s go in the bathroom.”

Five of us went into this bathroom at this party.

And, and everyone was like, “What are you guys doing?”

And we were like, “Coke.”

And so, we went in…

[audience laughing]

…and pulled out our pussies.

It was so helpful to me. This day changed my life, truly.

‘Cause my first two friends that showed me their vaginas, they looked exactly like mine.

And I was like, “Oh my God, we are like three Steven Tyler’s singing.”

Like, just lips and scarves.

[audience laughing]

I was like, “Yes! My lips sis’s.”

I was so happy.

And then my friend Kirsten was next.

And she’s the girl that like ha– is like perfect all the time but tries to fit in with your, like, friends who aren’t, you know?

You know this friend? Like, she pulled down her underwear.

She was like, “Is this bad?”

And it was just the most perfect little dime slot pussy, ever.

[laughter]

I was like, “You come in here with your little Uncrustable pussy?

“You can’t do that.

[audience laughing]

“We’re standing here with our lamb gyros “that look like they fell on the sidewalk.

That’s not okay. Turn around.”

[audience member] Whoo!

So mad.

But then the next girl took down her underwear.

And that was the best part.

Now, this was my fifth friend. This is the thing, girls.

If you have any lip shame, you need to do this.

You need to see normal vaginas.

So, this is what you gotta do.

You gotta get five friends.

Five is the key number.

You can do four. You can do four.

But four is risky, ’cause four…

[inhales sharply] …you might be the dangler.

And you don’t wanna be the dangler.

[audience laughing]

You don’t wanna be the worst.

You just need one girl who’s worse than you and you are good to go.

And that was my friend, Holla. My friend Holla, she pulled down her– She didn’t pull it down, she just, you know, pulled her underwear to the side and it fell out like…

[audience laughing]

It was like she had a message for the king.

It like, unfurled.

And we were like, “Whoa!”

[audience laughing]

It was like… [imitating a horn fanfare]

We were like, “Did you hear a horn?”

[audience laughing]

We’re like, “Do we salute? Or like Buckingham’s Palace?

“Or like…

I want to do the right protocol.”

We were horrified.

[laughter continues]

We weren’t even good friends about it.

Like a good friend, when you see something horrifying with your friend, you go, “Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s fine,” you know?

But we were like, “What the fuck?!

[audience laughing]

You don’t deserve love.”

Like…

[laughter continues]

She’s like, “Is it bad? Is this bad?”

[audience laughing]

We’re like, “Dude, how do you ride a bike?

Like, it looks like you’re making pasta.”

[laughter continues]

She didn’t care. Oh, my God.

She was instantly like, making jokes about it. She was like, “Seriously guys, it’s so long. It’s crazy.”

She was like, “If I stretch it out, it can like touch the ground.”

We were like, “Should it? You’re gonna get athlete’s labe, like, pick it up.”

[laughter]

She was so cool about it.

She was like, “Guys, I’m going back to the party.”

And she was like, over her shoulder, Continental soldier, like, “Bye, guys.”

You’re like…

[cheering and applause]

Just pussy’s agape, like…

[cheering and applause continues]

How do you have that much confidence?

Did your mom hug you?

Did you go to Montessori?

Why do you like yourself?

[audience laughing]

But it was just this beautiful moment where she had taken this pussy that looked like it had sat on a grenade, and she…

[audience laughing]

…she wore it like a vag of honor.

You know, she…

[audience laughing]

She made it funny.

[cheering and applause]

She was just, like, silly about it.

And it, it just, it– It made me realize that

I shouldn’t care about this stuff either.

Like, I always think about Holla’s labia whenever I’m feeling insecure or I’m at a car wash and the wet flaps are like hitting the windshield,

I’m like…

[audience laughing]

“I shouldn’t care either.”

And things turned out great for her, really.

I mean, we’re still best friends until she sees this on a special.

But she, uh…

[audience laughing]

No, she really, she turned out great.

She married, like, the hottest guy from our high school.

Um, he’s blind and has no hands, but…

[audience laughing]

But she has a great life.

We all just reunited recently at, uh, Holla’s wedding.

It was so fun. I got to hold her labia in the ceremony.

It was so beautiful.

[audience laughing]

We stretched it out.

I missed the ceremony, ’cause I was in the street, but, like, we just wanted to get the full…

[audience laughing] …breadth of it.

You know, it was beautiful.

That was a fun day.

I saw all those girls from that bathroom.

My friend Kirsten, with the perfect pussy, she was there.

But she just had a baby, and it was like a honker.

I mean, this was like a nine-pounder.

So, I was like, “Guess whose pussy is perfect now?” [chuckles]

Yeah, still hers. She had a C-section.

But…

[audience laughing]

…what are you gonna do?

Guys, you were a great crowd.

[cheering and applause]

And I hope I was a good girl.

I love you.

Good night!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

♪ Be a good, good ♪

-♪ Good girl ♪ [cheering and applause continues]

♪ Be polite and say please ♪

♪ Now get down on your knees ♪

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪ Shut your mouth, get underpaid ♪

♪ Suck it in, stay underage ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ Good girl ♪

♪ They say it’s sexy ♪

[camera shutter clicking] ♪ When a girl can just speak her mind ♪

♪ But when you let me ♪

[camera shutter clicking]

♪ The crowd goes soft ♪

♪ She sounds like a guy ♪

♪ They pull you close and whisper ♪

♪ You can have it all, dear ♪

♪ You’ll have the perfect life ♪

♪ Perfect life ♪

♪ So many options ♪

♪ Be a mom, a babe, a boss’s wife ♪

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪ You’re a slut or a tease ♪

♪ Now get down on your knees ♪

♪ Be a good, good, good girl ♪

♪ How the fuck can we persist ♪

♪ May redact it off your list ♪

♪ Good girl ♪