Nikki Glaser: Bangin’ (2019) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser talks about sex — a lot. In fact, she talks about it almost exclusively. Her first Netflix Original special, the aptly-titled Nikki Glaser: Bangin’, discusses sex, sex, and more sex.
Nikki Glaser: Bangin'

Nikki Glaser: Bangin’” is a stand-up comedy TV special that aired on Netflix in 2019. The show features Nikki Glaser, who bares all in a blistering stand-up special about sex, sobriety and getting over her own insecurities. The special is directed by Nicholaus Goossen and written by Nikki Glaser. It has a runtime of 1 hour and 3 minutes. The show is rated TV-MA, which means it’s intended for mature audiences.

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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! How’s it going, guys? Good? Let’s get started. Girls, okay, do you remember the first time you found out about blow jobs? Do you remember that day? It should be a different day than the first day you gave a blow job. I hope those were vastly different days for you. I hope you had a lot of time to process that information. I know I needed it. I was… The day I found out about blow jobs, it was a pivotal day of my life. It was… I remember the date actually, it was September 11th, 2001, and I don’t know what else happened that day. Devastated. I… couldn’t understand it. At first, I go, “Blow job? Blow? Do you blow on it?” Remember that? Remember for a couple seconds you go, “Do you blow it? Uh!” You wish. You wish that’s all you had to do to it. Oh, that’d be a cakewalk. It’s much more invasive than that. Blowing on it! No, I didn’t… I couldn’t believe you have to like suck it. You have to like French a dick. I was like you… I thought I could, maybe like, mwah, like peck it, but you got to French it. All I knew about penises at this point in my life were that they’re these noodly things that hung between a guy’s legs, they pee from them, and you shouldn’t look at your cousin JD’s when you guys are getting changed to go swimming. Like, that’s all the information I had about penises. And now, one’s going to go in my mouth. Okay, I knew that sex was a thing, a penis would go in my vagina some day, but that was… It’s my vagina. Like, I don’t have tastebuds down there, or whatever… Like, stick whatever you want down there, I can’t taste it, okay? So, I was like, “Who cares about my vagina? But my mouth? That’s where candy goes. Like, I can’t believe you would put a dick there.” I was devastated. And you like… You kind of go, “Maybe I don’t have to do it, maybe it’s something that not every girl does.” And then you realize it’s kind of your destiny as a woman. Like, you’re gonna do it. You know when I realized you have to do it? Is when I found out it was one of the bases. ‘Cause I knew homeplate was sex, and if I ever wanted to have sex, ’cause I wanted to, I don’t know, make a family someday, I was gonna have to… You can’t skip a base, if you want kids you’re going to have to suck some dicks on the way to those kids. That’s the last thing my kids want me doing. Sex made sense ’cause it makes kids. What do blow jobs make, you know? And then you find out, careers. And it’s like, “Okay. I do want one of those. I would like to have one of those.” I got one. You accept it. You’re just like, “Okay, I’ll do that someday. Not today, but it’s going to happen. I…” I accepted it the same way I kind of accept death. I feel like, you know when you find out about dying and you’re like, “Oh, no. I don’t wanna die.” And it’s like, sorry you have to, you were born, so someday you have to suck a dick and die. Like, those are kind of like the touchstones of a woman’s life. You might get to vote and go to college somewhere in there, but then it’s back to sucking dicks and grave time.

And then more information about blow jobs trickles in. Like, okay, if you do a good job at it you’re rewarded at the end with a liquid substance. Hold on, before the liquid you will know it’s about to come because he’s going to turn into a demon for a couple seconds. Sorry. Yeah, that’s a key part of this whole thing. He’s going to shape-shift… No one warned me about that. I’m here to… If someone hasn’t had sex before, I’m here to tell you before he comes, about five seconds before he comes, he turns… Every man turns into Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in Men In Black. You know the… That’s every man is on his way to that. I don’t know. It’s just like a… Like a roach crawling out of your eye, just… It’s frightening. And you’re like, “The liquids, I didn’t know… I don’t know any liquids.” All I know about that comes out of a guy is pee at this point. I’m like, “Is it pee?” They’re like, “You wish. Oh God, again. So naive, ‘pee’.” It’s much more viscous than pee. It’s… Pee has the consistency of like a Gatorade, whereas semen, it’s more like a bum’s loogie, if… It’s what it is. I know it’s gross, but when you like… These are facts and… When you spell it out like that, aren’t you, girls, aren’t you just like… Like, we’re so strong. Like, we… can do anything. Yes. I can’t believe we do it. I couldn’t believe about that liquid. I was just like, “That is awful. Where does it come from?” And then you find out it comes from the sack that rests beneath the noodle, the grossest part of a guy’s body that’s covered in hair and every… The balls! It’s so gross. The liquid’s so gross, the male body has found a way to store it outside of the body, because it’s like, “I don’t want this in me, either.” It’s just a… Balls are just a crock pot for the liquid, that’s been on simmer all day. And then, it drains into your head. I just…

It just kept getting worse. What do you do with it? And that’s where you find out you get to exercise your right to choose as a woman. Thank God, finally. That’s… And that’s a right Congress will never take from us, ladies. Oh, they’ll try. They probably will, but… You have two choices, you can spit or you can swallow. Right, you got to register as one before November 9th. Just make sure you know what you’re gonna do. I knew what I was gonna do. I was registered as a spitter long before I ever got in that booth, you know what I’m saying? I knew I was gonna spit, because I knew about girls who spit and I knew about girls who swallowed. Girls who spit are grossed out by it, and they’re like… “Fuck off, gross.” And guys don’t appreciate it, but it’s far better than a girl who swallows, ’cause I knew girls that swallow… Oh, these sloven whores, they love it. It’s fuel for them. It’s how they survive. It’s the base of a slut’s food pyramid. It’s just a sturdy base of come. And so, I was like, “I’m not gonna be a slut. Like, I don’t wanna be that. So, when I give a blow job I’m totally gonna spit.”

So, I get in there, I give my first blow job and I swallowed immediately, ’cause I was like, “This is disgusting. Let’s get it down the hatch. Take it like a shot. Like, this… is clearly the most efficient way to dispose of this.” Immediately. I didn’t even have to think twice about it. I’ve never spit, and… Ever! If you spit, that means you have to hold it in your mouth as you like walk through his apartment and find the bathroom that he shares with his roommates, you run into them, they’re all watching Varsity Blues in the living room. You have to be like, “Hey guys, is anyone in there? Can I get in or…? Oh, so, Andrew’s in the shower. I’ll wait. It’s fine. I love this movie. What is… This is such a good movie, I forget. You forget how good it is. You’re quoting classic lines. I’m like, “I don’t want your life.” Like, and I can… It’s a better James Van Der Beek because of it. Okay, it’s one benefit of it. But you’re doing like a wine tasting, like you’re just… And don’t get it twisted, guys, a girl isn’t… She’s not swallowing ’cause she’s like, “Yummy cummy in my tummy.” No. I mean, sometimes. Turns out I’m a whore. Pretty big whore. But, it’s usually ’cause you’re just like, “This is the way to get it done.” Sometimes, if I think a load is gonna be really gross, I’m like, “Let’s deepthroat.” So it’s like a feeding tube, and I don’t have to touch it to my taste buds, so… Pro tip. You’re welcome.

Some girls love sucking dick. They like love it. And I’ve never understood it. I’m like, “What are you getting out of it?” And then I realize, it’s ’cause they’re good at it. That’s it. It’s as simple as that, truly. If you’re… If you love sucking dick, it’s ’cause you’re good at it. And if you don’t like it, if you’re like, “I hate blow jobs.” It’s ’cause you’re bad at it. It’s… You’re really bad at it. We like doing things we’re good at, and if you’re good at it you would do it all the time. If you’re just like, “It’s such a bore, it’s such a pain.” You suck at it and I’m one of you. I could have been good. All it would have taken was one guy to just like give me a compliment early on, you know. Someone to just like show me that I had a little promise or something. Just send me off in the right direction. We just want to be good. And… It’s early intervention is key. Like, I feel like true blowjob queens, girls that are like, “I love it.” It was like one of the first times they gave a blowjob, the guy was like, “You’re great,” and like believed in them. ‘Cause that’s what it takes. It takes one guy. One coach. One youth minister to lay the foundation for a girl. The first time, oh, you’re so nervous, and all you want is a guy to just take your chin and be like, “Hey, look up.” And you go, “What?” He’s like, “You’ve got spunk… in your hair, but like the way that you handled my balls is pretty cool. And I think you’re on to something.” Just anything. Little nudge. And that’s why I tell guys, lie to us. Tell us we’re good and we’ll blow you all the time. Honestly, like, you hook up with a girl and she blows you and it’s not very good, just lie and be like, “That was the best blow job ever.” ‘Cause she’ll just be like, “It was?” And then, she’ll like set off on a course to like be the best, and she’ll go out and she’ll be like, “I was good once.” You know? And I know you’re like, “Why would I encourage a bad blow job?” First of all, she’s going to blow you a bunch, ’cause this bitch has never heard she’s good. She’s going to be like, “This guy gets it.” And then, she’s going to blow you a bunch. And she’s going to get better with practice. She’s going to Malcolm Gladwell that shit, and you’re going to have an expert blowing you. Ten thousand hours later, you’ve got to work with her. It’s going to be several years. But she’ll get there. I mean, I don’t know. Just lie… Even if it’s so bad you can’t come. I swear to God, even if… You could be like, “That was so good I couldn’t come.” I’d be like, “I guess that’s a thing. I guess, cool, wow!” You could tell that to me tonight, and I just made it up, and I’d be like, “I guess that thing I made up is true, I don’t know.”

That’s how bad I want to be good. An innocuous compliment from a guy you like means everything. I don’t think you guys understand what power you wield, with just dumb compliments. I stand before you tonight, because I did stand-up comedy one time fifteen years ago on a whim, I was like, “I’ll try it,” and I was fine, but a hot guy after the show was like “You were great,” and I was like “I’ll do it forever, thank you.” I swear to God. It’s just… I just needed someone to believe in me, and then I look at the first time I gave a blow job, and I’m like, “What did that guy say?” And it was not… It actually was the same, he was like, “You should do comedy. I mean, I’m serious. This is so funny, what you think is good.”

So… I crave compliments. I love them so much. I was an ugly child. So, I like, I saw the people get them and I was like, “That looks fun to experience.” You know? I was diagnosed as an ugly child at… the age of 11, by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and… I didn’t know until then. I really didn’t, you know, and then he turned that canvas around and my dad was like, “That’s great. Oh my God, it’s uncanny.” And my whole family was like, “Woah! Nik, it’s you.” I’m like, “Really? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut… a tiny bicycle.” But then, I knew. Listen, I kind of had an idea that I wasn’t that cute, you know. ‘Cause I had a really beautiful sister growing up. Never went through an awkward phase, she was just so stunning. She literally would stop traffic, when I pushed her in front of it. I tried to get her out of the way. And I’m the second prettiest sister and then there isn’t another one, but… So, I’ve got that, but…

People would stop my mom as a child and tell my mom that my sister should be a model, like right in front of me, and be like, “This child needs to be a model.” And they wouldn’t see me at first and then I’d emerge from behind my mom’s legs like Nosferatu, like, “What should I be?” Just like, desperate to be discovered or whatever. And they’re like, “You should be… you’re going to be a model train enthusiast, probably. I think you should start collecting soon, ’cause you’re gross.” And I was like, “Cool.” Whenever I see two kids and one’s cuter than the other, I always tell the mom, “Your kids are cute.” I make an emphasis on kids and then I wink, ’cause she knows. She’ll know. And you can get away with a pretty obvious wink, ’cause usually the ugly one has like a lazy eye situation, so they’ll miss it entirely, so you can be… But just don’t single out one child as cuter than the other, ’cause we don’t need more female comics. I can’t take the competition, and that’s how you make them.

As an ugly child, boys didn’t like me. I was okay with that at first. I was just like, “Good, like, I don’t want their dicks in my head, anyway, like this is perfect.” And then I hit puberty around like 22, and I was like… And at that time, guys started to take interest ’cause I had sort of blossomed into this like blackout drunk and… they wanted in. But the problem was, the second I thought that maybe I wasn’t so ugly up here, I realized I was ugly down here. I have a vagina that resembles a hastily packed suitcase. Yeah, okay. I know there are some bitches that are late for their flights tonight in here, too. I know you’re out there. I see you at the gym locker room. I spy on you. Yes, I do. There’s a lot of hermit crabs looking for new shells. Out and about. I know. I used to feel alone. I really did, ’cause you watch porn and you’re like, “Where’s my vagina?” That’s when I realized, I was like, “Shit… That’s not… None of these look like mine. I have a…” I felt like a young black girl watching Disney movies. I’m like, “Where’s one with me in it? Do you want to make one with me?” That would have been nice. “Oh, you made one with a mermaid before making one with me. Cool. That feels great.” But I truly… I didn’t know any other vaginas. And why would I? You don’t see vaginas growing up. You know? You don’t even see your mom’s. If you do, there’s a giant bush in front of it, so you don’t know what her lip action is. I had no idea. And now, mine has to be like out, you have to have like, here it is! No hair and everything’s out, and guys make fun of vaginas like ours. Don’t they, girls? We hear it. “Roast beef, five for $5. Cold cut combo.” I know they look like meaty sandwiches. I know. We get it, and it’s just like… Dead on, dude. It’s dead on! You nailed it. That’s what it looks like and it’s funny. It’s so funny, that’s what sucks. Sometimes, as a vegan, I offend myself sometimes. I’m like, “Meat is murder.” Every time I wipe. Throw paint on myself. It’s a whole process.

But I’m just tired of caring. It’s just… And I’ve gotten over most of my insecurities. I feel like pretty good, ’cause I’ve done a lot of work up here and a little right here and… Got something on the books for this next week, but… Little snip-a-rooney. Great clips, but I… I didn’t masturbate my whole life, almost. I didn’t start masturbating till I was 28, ’cause I quit Zoloft. Yeah, I was on Zoloft for like my whole adult life, and I had orgasms, but what I thought were orgasms turned out to be like okay sneezes compared. Oh my God, I had my first real orgasm off Zoloft and I was like, “Why is everyone not doing this all the time?” And so I started, all the time. I was chronically masturbating. Like, a 28-year-old woman behaving like an 11-year-old boy, truly. You know you hear these stories from guys that are like, “I did it till I bled. I didn’t know.” I did that. It was my period but it counts, and I still count it. I was… I couldn’t stop. I did it on a plane once and got caught, and… She saw me and I was just like, “I thought you could in first class.” And she’s like, “No… Also, you’re seated in coach and you just walked up here, so that doesn’t even make sense.” And I go, “I thought if I was beyond the curtain.” Masturbating now, I just am too exhausted by all of it, you know? I’ve too many toys. I got all the toys. As soon as I started masturbating I was like, “I gotta get that rabbit. I’ve heard about this thing for a while.” So, I go to PetSmart and I get that thing, and I returned it, you know? I was just like, “This thing bit my clit off!” Felt good for a second, then… a lot of blood, but… I got too many toys. And now, when I go to masturbate, I just look at all my toys in the bucket… With a bucket? What the fuck did I just say? I do not have a bucket. I don’t want you thinking I’m having a bucket of dildos. It’s literally a ripped Victoria’s Secret bag, that I keep in my closet. So, I got to the old dick bucket. I have so many toys, too many. And every time I go to masturbate I have to like look at all of them, and I always feel bad that I’m not using all of them. I have some sort of Toy Story guilt with it all. I’m just like, “Oh, Woody, you used to be my favorite. I’ll sit on you.” And I’ll just sit on that, and I’ll put Buzz up here, and then I got something inside me that I’m working like this, and I just… It’s too much going on. I always feel like a one-man band. Eventually, I’m just like… “Come on, join in, kids.” Like, I just feel like a town square fool. There should be a monkey on my shoulder with a tambourine like collecting coins from passers-by like that is… I feel like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. That is how I feel every single time I masturbate. It’s not hot. Ironically enough, Dick Van Dyke are the three words I type in to find every porn that I look at. So, I need all those elements to really get me there. My porn searches are disgusting. Oh, man, those got gross, fast. Listen, I know what I like. I like bondage. I’m into like getting tied up. I’m into watching girls getting tied up. I don’t… I’ll sell it to you, ladies, if you’re not into it, you’re about to be. Guess what? Bondage, forced laziness. You don’t have to do anything to him if you’re tied up. “Oh, I want to jerk you off, but my hands are tied. Let me out! No, I’m just kidding it’s fine, just leave it. What are you doing?” If there’s a ball gag in your mouth, no dick in your head. It’s just very comfortable. You make it look like a struggle, like, “Oh no! Oh!” But, it’s easy breezy, man. They blindfold you, oh my God. And you go, “Oh no! I can’t see you, how am I going to come?” Easily. Thank you for the assist. It’s so good. But bondage porn, it’s always like in a cellar with like dripping walls. Or like a warehouse, and she’s just like abandoned. It’s like, can’t she be comfortable? I don’t understand why there always has to be a guy with a welder’s mask and a purpose, like with a stick. Like, can’t it be nicer? But it can’t be, they’re always mean to her. And I’m just like, “Be nice!” Like, she’s invited all these dudes over. You guys… One of you showed up late, there’s nowhere for your dick to go now. And so… I hate that guy. He’s always just like, “Where do I go?” It’s just like, “Go fill the Brita, Tony. Why were you late? Like, do something useful. We’re all going to be very dehydrated after this.” But… no. Then Tony’s just like hitting his dick on her shoulder, as if that’s doing anything for either of them. And it’s just like, “Look inside yourself, Tony. Why were you late?” God! She’s not like a bison on the Great Plains. You don’t need to use every single part of her… to honor her.

Gangbangs, like, I love gangbangs, but I’m just looking for like a respectful gangbang. Like, why not just a nice… Be nice to her. A respectful gangbang, that would just be a girl tied up, and guys doing lots of things to her down here, and then up here guys just brushing her hair and telling her she’s strong. Respectful. It’s all I want. You know what’s frustrating about masturbating when you’re a woman, is that you can’t really fuck yourself, you know? Like, you can do clit stuff or whatever, but truly, having been penetrated, it’s hard to do to yourself. Like, this is… And it is hard to come from that if you’re like doing a CrossFit sequence, as you’re like getting tennis elbow. I mean, it’s a lot of work and I always give up. And I’m just like, “This is too hard.” And that’s why I get so jealous of guys, ‘cause I’m like, “Jerking off is so easy for guys.” It’s just this… That’s so… That’s literally… That’s what you do when you think… When you say something’s easy. You’re just like, “we’ll fucking bang it out and go to Chipotle, man. I’ll just… Just get the reports done, and we’ll go to the game.” Like, that’s how easy that is. Uh, I’m jealous. ‘Cause I like a dick in me, I’m sorry. I like getting stuffed. I do. It feels good and I’m not going to apologize for it. I just like… But the problem is, and people are like, “Oh, then why don’t you just go have sex, Nikki. If you want to catch a dicking, go out and get one.” It’s like, I would and I used to when I drank, but if you’re sober you can’t just have casual sex. I don’t know if anyone here has had casual sex sober, but like, how did you do that? Having casual sex sober, it’s really… It’s a lot more intimate. It turns into an episode of Dawson’s Creek for some reason. A Counting Crows song starts playing. I’m just like, “What’s happening?” It’s like, “Round here.” I’m just like, “Where is that coming from?” This has meaning, when it shouldn’t. Sometimes you don’t want sex to mean anything, and you just want to like bang it out and live your life, but you can’t when you’re sober. When I drank, oh, that’s all I did. If I wanted to like, get dicked out, I’d just like… None of this sounds real good. If I wanted to get… I wanted to say I had had sex, but I didn’t want to experience it, and that’s what would be perfect. I would just be like “I feel like getting fucked.” And so, I would just blackout drink, hone in on a guy and then like kind of Cosby myself into this situation where… I would bepenetrated that night by a comedian, and not remember any of it. I’d wake up in the morning, I wouldn’t even know what I had done. And sometimes I’m like, “Oh dear, is that…? Did I do anal or is that bronzer?” Like, I would try and figure it out, you know those mornings? Where you’re like, “Did I have sex? I don’t know. I should know that.” I’d figure it out if the sheet was stuck inside me. I’d be like, “Okay, I probably had sex.” That’s a classic post-sex old Glase-dog move. I always do a tuck, right. ‘Cause I don’t like to go to bed with a soggy vag, so I just like tuck it up. I don’t want to be sloshing around all night. And so, I tuck and release, and I don’t get yeast infections, girls. Like, it’s a good plan if you don’t want to get a yeasty, just tuck and release, but sometimes you’re drunk and the tuck feels so good, and you just leave it, and then it dries overnight, and you gotta peel it off like a Bioré Strip in the morning, and that’s… It hurts. You leave behind a paper mache stalagmite on his duvet. It’s not a nice way to be remembered. Trying to flatten it when he’s in the bathroom. I’m just like, “Go away. Out, damn spot.” There are embarrassing moments like that, but like, you know, most of the time having drunk sex, it made it just a lot easier to just, to get it, you know? And sometimes when I’m sober, I got with a guy and I’m like, “God, I’d love to feel that way again.” So, I’ll just like take out one contact lens just to feel a little off. Just to be like, “Maybe I’ll make some mistakes and…” It takes a lot now, for me to want to have sex with a guy and it’s because sober sex, it’s risky, right? Your body, as a woman, when there’s a penis in you, and you’re sober for it, it like thinks you’re making a baby with the guy, so it like shoots off all these chemicals, that are just like… “Remember him.” You know? “Hold on to him. Wait for him. He’s going to provide for you.” And I just want to tell my dumb cavewoman brain, like, “I’m gonna do everything in my power to not get pregnant right now. I hope you know that, and by that I mean the pull-out method. Like, that’s the best I can give you, body.” And it works. It’s worked for me most the time. I’m probably barren, that’s what I’ve determined. Like, it’s not supposed to work. I’ve had one pregnancy scare. It was double scary. It was in a haunted house and I… I was alarmed. Yeah. A woman like jumped out in a bloody sheet and I was like, “I haven’t seen those in a while.” And it reminded me that I hadn’t ruined a sheet set that I love in over a month. So, I was like, “Oh, I should…” When you use the pull-out method, you sometimes need to supplement with the morning after pill, which I’ve taken a handful of times and… No, I took a handful one time, I’m sorry. And… It’s different. No, the morning after pill, let me just tell you though, you can take it up to 72 hours. I don’t think… that’s not in the name, the Morning After. They need to change the name, ’cause sometimes you have sex in the morning and you’re like, “Okay, I’ve got to wait till tomorrow morning, I guess, to take it.” And then you forget and you start a family, so… It’s three days. You have three days, and I’m trying to get it changed to the Long Weekend After the Holidays… The Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday Weekend After Pill. I think that’s… Gives you an idea of the chunk of time you have. And I’m getting a lot of pushback from his foundation, but… But you have three days, and I’ve used them all before, and it’s not ’cause I’m like, “Oh, I’m lazy.” It’s ’cause I’m just waiting till I need to get toilet paper, too. I’m like, “I’ll kill two birds or three, twins run in my family. I don’t really know how this thing works, but…” I am willing to take it, especially if the guy asks. Have you ever had the guy ask you to do it? I’ll always… I’ll do it, especially if he pays. And I’m like, “Yeah, if you give me fifty bucks.” And he does, and you go to Sephora and you pray. And that works. It might cost you a little on the back end, but what other excuse do you have to spend $49 on an eyeliner, so… Isn’t it funny when they ask you to take the morning after? I’m always just like, “Oh my God. Yeah, I’ll take it. It’s so cute that you think that I want your baby. Like, it’s so funny that… Dude, I would abort your child so soon, like you don’t even… I wouldn’t even call you, it’s so… Oh my God, huh.” I wouldn’t think twice, I’d just go to a clinic and be like, “Hey, I slept with a guy who wears tank tops that say ‘rise and grind.'” And they’d be like, “In and out, ma’am. Let’s get her in. Let’s go. Well… We need all hands on deck for this one. It’s going to be on the house for this lady.” Alabama would allow that one. That’s the one caveat they have. Only in cases of tank tops with motivational words on them. “Oh, he raped you. Never mind, you have to keep it.” I know, sorry, isn’t the truth weird? It’s so weird. But this is the problem… Is I was sleeping with tank toppy guys a lot of times… last year. ‘Cause I came up with a strategy. I kept sleeping with guys I liked, ’cause I liked them, and then I would fall for them, and I was like, “This is a pain in the ass.” ‘Cause they don’t text you back and it’s just like, uh, it’s annoying. I’m just tired of screenshotting conversations between men who will never love me and myself, and sending them to my friends to be like, “What’s he thinking?” And they’re like, “Nothing. It’s all blue, Nik. Get a hold of yourself. None of these are delivered, we kind of think he blocked you, so…” And so, I came up with a plan. I was like, “Oh, I’ll only have sex with guys who I would never want to love” Right, then I’ll never like want them to be my boyfriend. So, I pick a guy with like a necklace, right, like a dangly outer necklace. Not an inside one, ’cause you can’t ever predict those. Girls, we’ve all slept with guys with necklaces, where we didn’t know it was there until we got naked with them, and then you see it and you’re like, “Okay… I feel like I wouldn’t be doing this right now if I knew that was there. I really feel a little bit hoodwinked by you at this moment, but… our shirts are off, so… I’ve got to at least blow you or something. Great. Them’s the rules.” So, I go after a guy with like an active necklace and… Which is good, though, because during the sex it’s like hanging over you, like swaying back and forth as a reminder… that he’s not to be loved… and/or respected, right? It’s right there. And you feel good. And they always have a dumb reason for their necklace, too. It infuriates me. “It’s my grandfather’s dog tags. Hold it close.” I’m just like, “Okay, good, at least the spirit of a real man will be hovering over me tonight.” That’s a plus, I guess. Someone who actually fought for something other than a parking spot at GameStop. So, I slept with a necklace guy, and I feel good. The next day, I would feel good. I would have like a little whore’s skip in my step. Like, “I just banged, and I don’t even care if I hear from him. Like, I’m a Samantha. We do exist, right” And then I’m in line at Starbucks, and I’m just like waiting, and I let my thoughts go, I don’t know, three thoughts too far, and I’m just like… “I love his necklace. Like I… love necklaces, and I love him for wearing that stupid necklace. Like, I made fun of him for that necklace, and I think it’s the worst thing about him, I think it might be the best thing about him, because like his necklace… I made fun of reasons for necklaces, but his is actually good, like he went to Aéropostale, it was on sale and he liked it. So, like… That’s a legit good reason. Oh my God, I wonder where I’m going to store my necklace when I move in with him? Like, I wonder where… If he has like a necklace tree. Oh my God, I bet when he’s ready for me to move in with him, he’ll like clean a branch off the necklace tree. And we’ll be in bed on like a Sunday morning, and he’ll be like, ‘Go check the necklace tree.’ I’m going to be like, ‘Why? We’re in bed. I wanna cuddle.’ He’s like, ‘Just go check the tree.’ And I’m like… ‘You’re being weird.’ And then I go and there’s like a ring on one of the branches. It’s like… ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m moving to Fort Worth, like, this is insane.'” And then, I’m done. And then, I’m in love with a guy who’s not going to text me back, ’cause he knew the rules, and it’s just like… It’s not worth my time anymore, so I’ve just… No more penises in me. That’s my new rule. No more. And it sucks ’cause sex, now that that’s off the table, man, what do I have? That was the one thing I was good at. If I would hook up with the guy, I would go right from making out, and I’d be like, “Let’s fuck.” And it wasn’t cause I like, “Loved a dick in me.” I’m just like, “This is the easiest thing to do.” And I’m good at it. I like doing things I’m good at. Girls like doing things they’re good at. I am great at getting fucked. I just am, and I know that’s braggy, but I was just born with the ability to kick back and have a hole, like, I just like… lean into it. And as a whole, I think… As a whole as a hole, I think it is by far our best option to get you off, is having sex. It’s the easiest. I never understand when girls are like, “No, I didn’t have sex with him. We did everything except sex.” I’m like, “Are you exhausted? Why would you do all the hard stuff? What’s in it for you?” Sex at least, like, if you have sex it’s going to feel good. You could come, you know? You won’t, probably, like most of the time you don’t, but it’s like on the table, right? Our options to get you off, just are like… They’re not great, and we have to get you off. We do, right, girls? You have to get a guy off, ’cause we all learned about blue balls, right? I grew up in a generation of women who went through a course similar to the DARE program about blue balls, in which we learned that it is our duty to get you off, if you think you’re going to get off, you know? If you make a guy hard, it’s… You have to see it through or you’re like a selfish cunt. Like, you… Why did you make him hard then, if you didn’t want to make him come? So, do it, you know? If you build it, he must come. You know the rules. Finish what you started. Clean Plate Club You get all these… Like, “I will.” And I certainly will, because blue balls is a pain. It’s a severe pain that I could inflict on a man by not blowing him. That’s so mean. And the pain, apparently, girls, we can’t even understand it. We can’t. Physiologically our bodies are not made to understand that kind of pain, but I can guess the closest we can get is like maybe a spinal fracture, or like a gunshot wound. That’s kind of in that range. So you go, “Oh my God, I don’t want to make this guy feel that pain.” This guy that I don’t really even like that much. So, you blow him or you fuck him, ’cause you’re like, “I don’t want you to be in pain. Here’s the antidote.” And then you find out it’s not a pain and that’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s not a pain. It’s a feeling, for sure. It’s a feeling, and I will validate that. It is just like a… “I want to. Please, but I want to! Mom! It’s not fair! He got to come!” That’s it. That’s the feeling. I know, and you can’t act that way either, ’cause you’re a man, you know, or at least you’re dressed like one, so… You have to like bottle up that intense anger, and it must be annoying, and I get it, I’ve felt that way. I’ve not come before, like almost exclusively, so I understand… cranky clit or whatever it is to me. I felt that frustration and it sucks. And you feel it as a girl, if you don’t make a guy come, and you give him blue balls or whatever that is, you feel it the next day. Girls, you ever spend the night in a bed with a guy and not touch his dick? The next morning, the energy will have shifted in the room. There’s just a palpable anger, that even he is not aware of, but he’s tying his shoes kind of loud and you’re like, “Ah! Yikes!” He will have brought you to his place in an Uber black, but then you’re going home in a Lyft Share. I mean, things have taken a turn. So, you just make guys come. Like you’re just like, “I’ll make him come, ’cause I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I don’t want them to feel bad or sad, so I’ll just fucking… Here, take a come. You can have a come.” I was doling out comes all through my twenties. Gave away so many comes, and then I came up with a way to like stop giving out comes, which is I just wouldn’t touch their penises. ‘Cause if you don’t touch their penis then you don’t have to do anything about it. That’s a trick I learned, it’s like, if you touch their hard dick, it’s like inviting a vampire in your house, like you’re obligated to then do something about it, or whatever that rule is. But you can avoid touching their dick. At the end of a date, I always keep my hands up here, ’cause I’m just trying to figure out if I want to touch their dick or not. But I’m just keeping them up here and kind of keeping my space. ‘Cause I haven’t decided, maybe I do want to touch your dick. I don’t know yet. I’m trying to figure it out. I probably… It’s always between, “Oh, do I go home with him or go home and eat?” Like, that’s usually kind of the battle in a woman’s mind. Especially me, like, if I’m nervous about a date, I usually haven’t like eaten enough that day, ’cause I’m scared we’re gonna have sex and I don’t wanna fart during it, so I’ve like just been like… So, I’m starving at this point and I’m just like, “I’m just going to go home.” But sometimes, they like… They get frustrated and they’re like, “Maybe she doesn’t know I’m hard.” I think that sometimes you guys are like, “Maybe she doesn’t know.” So, they’ll take your hand and kind of Helen Keller you, “Hey, I’m hard right…” And you’re like, “Oh, thank you, papa.” Like, I just… I don’t know why ‘papa’. That doesn’t fit either scenario, but we had fun. But then you touch it, and I do like a hot stove now, I’m like, “I didn’t touch it, so I don’t have to do anything.” Cause if you don’t touch, you can just kind of go, “Goodnight.” And like, float away on a toadstool, and like, go home and eat in bed. And then… But then, if you touch it, you have to… You either have to do something to it, or you have to tell him that you don’t want to do anything with it at this point, right? And you’re just like, “I just don’t like you enough now, or I’m not comfortable.” It’s like a hard conversation to kind of have and sometimes… I’m better at sucking dick than I am at sharing my true feelings. And so, I blow a guy to avoid telling him the truth. I’ve done it so many times. But… I just… For me to make you come now, I just like… If I’m not having sex, that used to be my go-to. Now, I’m like, “I have to blow you?” And I’m still not confident in my blow jobs and I was… I’m trying to get better, but recently I gave one, and 90 seconds in, the same thing happened that always happens, the guy just kind of held my head steady and decided to fuck it himself, you know? Kind of took over and and treated my head like a bird house. That’s how I got through it, is pretending I’m a birdhouse. I just… I have no rhythm. I have no natural rhythm. And so, I actually was like, “Thank you, take the wheel. I don’t know what you want.” I just don’t have a good sense of rhythm. I may be able to show you a good time, if you’ve like a metronome on your nightstand, but it’s just not…

Most girls do not like when you grab their head and just hold it and fuck it, but I truly appreciate the gesture and… ‘Cause then I can focus on what I’m actually good at, which is going to be surviving this blow job, because my breathing is now up to you, good sir. ‘Cause you don’t seem to understand that I can’t breathe when your dick is in my head. So, I hope you let me get a couple gasps in here and there. I always feel like I’m lost at sea when I’m sucking dick, and I’m just like emerging like, “Coast guard!” And just getting sucked back under. I’ve got to time them perfectly. And I’m good at breathing during blow jobs, ’cause I didn’t know guys didn’t know we couldn’t breathe, but we can’t breathe when your dick is in our head. I have to get it through to you. I know you think we can, because of our nose. You’re like, “Your nostrils don’t have dicks in them.” Like, clearly it’s an open passage. It’s the only way to shut off a girl’s breathing. Let me tell you that it’s from within. I don’t know what’s happening, but when the dick’s your head, you can’t breathe through your nose. You can’t… It’s like an inside job. You can’t… I can’t explain, but it’s all getting clogged. It doesn’t take a big dick. It doesn’t take deepthroat. It’s just all… And it’s rarely deepthroat by the way. I just want to just briefly tell you that when you think… I don’t know… Sometime you just go, “Take it.” You know, you jam it and it’s not like drain snaking its way gently down our esophagus like… Like a boomerang of a lady going down a waterslide. Like, “Oh, so fun. Easy does it.” No, it’s jamming into the back… It’s crumpling into our soft palate. I’m like, “Does he know this is a cul-de-sac? Like, there’s no way through.” Drive like your kids live here, like, take it slow, dude. He’s punching in the… Ramming the back of your head. It hurts. It feels like you’re trying to punch through like a game on The Price is Right. It’s so aggressive and it hurts. It really does hurt. And I don’t know if you guys can’t tell ’cause you can’t see, but start to look, you’ll be able to tell just by just… It’s a little thing we do, like, the tears streaming down our face. Thick tears, just like an elephant who lost a friend. Like those, just kind of like… That could be an indication. I couldn’t be… I guess I wouldn’t have known that, you know, you can’t breath if a dick’s in your head, had I not been on the receiving end. I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have, but I’m here to tell you we can’t. And I found out guys didn’t know that we couldn’t breathe from watching a porn. Not even from my own experience. I saw this guy, and he was using this girl’s head as a fleshlight, pretty aggressively. And he did the thing where he was like, “Take it all.” And he… ‘Cause he was mad at his Mom. Clearly, it was something to do with her. She didn’t pick him up from school a couple times and she said she was going to make an effort to do so, and she was late and it was embarrassing, and so, he’s taking it out on Savannah, and she had nothing to do with it. I mean, it was in the 80s, well before she was born and so… So he’s… “Take it, bitch.” And he’s holding her there for a while, and I was holding my breath with her, ’cause I was like, “I got you, girl. I know you can’t breathe. Solidarity. Neighborhood Watch. Like, I am on it.” So, I’m watching… and it’s about a minute in and I’m like, “This girl’s a pro. This is incredible. She must deep sea dive or some shit like that. This is awesome.” And then, I saw him see her struggle. And he goes, “Oh, you think that’s bad? What about now?” And he plugged her nose to be like, “Take it to the next level.” I’m like, “This fucking idiot.” First of all, that is the most worthless, like, “What about now?” He should have been like, “What about now?” And added like a fun Mardi Gras mask flourish, that would have been a more interesting challenge. Than this, which you’re already doing. So I was like, “Oh my God, if this guy thinks she can’t breathe now.” Like, I’m about to watch her die, you know? So I came really hard, and I go back to it and I check in on her and I go… She survived. I’m happy to tell you she lived. ‘Cause she knew, and she’s smart, and she did her safe word to get out of that, which worked out before which is… And it’s so…

It’s the correct pronunciation. I don’t know how to spell it, but it is… I think it’s Yiddish, but it’s… That’s like a hot sound now, isn’t that weird? Porn has made that like a sex sound. It used to… Porn sounds used to be like… And now they’re… It’s that pervasive in porn. It’s wild. I guarantee you there are at least 14 dudes in here with blood rushing to your dicks right now. Just based on Pavlov’s dick response, of just like… “Is a girl getting choked by a dick somewhere? What’s happening?” And I know you feel bad about it. It feels weird to be turned on by that, but it’s okay, you just watch too much porn, it’s fine. It’s like, it’s not gonna be fine when a woman is actually choking at a restaurant where you’re… dining with your wife. And a woman’s at the next table like… Your wife is like, “You know Heimlich. Give it to her.” And you’re like, “I can’t, I have a boner, and I don’t want to put it in her back as I save her life, so I’d rather she just like die.” So, that’ll be weird, but until then… It’s just all these things. I’m willing to do all of this, by the way. So happy to do it. I like when guys come. It’s like, it makes me feel good when they come. I’m not… I never want to be a comedian who’s up here like, “Fucking men.” You know? I would love to be up here fucking men, that’s a different thing. That’s a… It’s a show I aspire to put on for you someday, but… Building towards that. But I just… I am willing to do all this stuff. It’s like… And I want you to come, and… ‘Cause, girls, we like when guys come. We really do. Like, it means we can get on our phones sooner, so it’s like… “Oh, good. He did that, and back on Instagram.” But I just can’t give away any more comes. I just can’t anymore. I’m 35, and I just… I don’t know, if I… I think I just know my worth more. I have value, and like for me to suck your dick, like it’s… It’s like a thousand bucks. Like, I don’t know, like you can Venmo me, or we’ll… Hooking up now is just… It’s very complicated for me, because I’m just plagued by this obligation to get you off, that I can’t even enjoy what you do to me anymore, ’cause I’m like, “What am I going to do to him.” You know? I get fingered and I’m just like, “What am I going to be willing to take after this?” It’s like when you’re in grade school and you give your friends… You’re like, “Let’s massage each other” And you’re doing back rubs. The whole time, I’m like, “I can’t even like this, ’cause I’ve got to rub this bitch next, like…” That’s what it feels like, hooking up with you. Every single one of you. And so, I think I’ve figured something out. The best hook up scenario I can imagine, and I think you guys will like this, too, is that I get fingered to completion, and then I get out of the Uber. And I feel like that… I’ll tip you. I’ll throw a tip on there the next time I pull up the app. I know how to do it. Please. I would love that to be a part of the Uber app, Uber finger. It just… It’s like you pay more, you pay double, ’cause it’s like, it’s a two-man operation. We can’t have our drivers fingering the passengers. So, there’s a guy in the back seat, it’s not even a guy, it’s maybe a girl. You don’t know, he’s wearing a mask. They don’t… They’re not allowed to talk to you. He’s maybe dressed like a minion. It’s a tie-in with Sony for a promotional stunt. I don’t know… We’re still working out the kinks. It’s in beta, but… Yeah, it’s a two-man op. It has to be a two-man op, you’re going to pay extra until there’s self-driving cars, right, and then… As soon as there are self-fingering cars, I mean, you’ll never hear from me again. Truly… I’ll be gone. I’d be a real road dog after that.

It does take a lot for me to want to do anything to a guy now, ’cause I just can’t, you know? And I would. I would love to, just, I need… And I bristle at even saying this word, but I need more foreplay. And I hate saying that, I never wanted to be a female comic who said, “More foreplay. We need more foreplay.” I like… I looked at sitcoms in the 90s. I saw housewives on those shows be like, “Well, if he had more foreplay.” I just heard foreplay and I’m like, “You should never ask for more foreplay, guys hate it.” Because I hear audience members go like, “Boo, foreplay!” And the dudes would be like… And then the girls would be like, “Tee-he, we relate.” And then they’d get beat on the car ride home, so I was like, “Okay, I’m never going to demand foreplay.” I’d never had sex, but I’m like, “This foreplay thing, I’m going to let it slide. I don’t give a shit. Stick it in dry. Pay me $0.80 on the dollar. I should just be happy this guy wants to stick his dick in my ugly head.” I truly believed that. I was like, “I’m never gonna complain about foreplay.” And then I started hooking up and I’m like, “We need more foreplay.” Hand me a fucking blazer with shoulder pads in it, and give me some high-waisted jeans, frizz-out my hair, ’cause we need more foreplay. Like, I just… I’m with those 90s bitches now. You didn’t listen. I don’t understand what to tell you. I have been fingered when I’m dry so many times this year, it is truly an act of terrorism. I am so sick of it. You should not ever finger a dry vagina. Ever! It should never happen. When you get fingered, when you’re dry, as a woman, it’s the same as if we took your limp dick, and we were just like, “Come on.” We would never do that to you. I don’t even look at a limp dick. Like, I wouldn’t touch one. I don’t look at one, ’cause I know you’re not proud of it. So, I’m like, “I won’t look at it until he’s ready for me to see it, and to meet it, okay.” So… I treat it like your wedding dress. I’m just like, “I’ll let him show it to me when he’s ready, for good luck or whatever the hell.” I never look at a limp dick, and I’m dying to play with a limp dick. I would love it. But I don’t even let myself. I don’t get to, because I respect your boundaries. But if I could, oh, I’d do this, and I’d stretch it. You can stretch it and it does… They don’t care, until they wake up and they’re like, “Hey, will you cut it out?” It’s so fun. They’re so fun. Oh my God. But I’m serious, guys, like you got to cut it out with the dry fingering. It’s truly… It’s devastating. It sucks. And I’ve tried different ways to avoid getting fingered while dry. That’s why my pants keep getting higher and higher, as I’m building in more track time for me, when you’re on your way down, to make myself wet. I’m just like, “Get wet. Get wet for the summer. Get wet.” And I never do, you always get down there, and then I hear a squeak, and I’m like, “Fuck, he thinks I’m menopausal.” I’ve gone as far as like, if I know a guy is going to be worthless, I’ll finger myself on the cab ride to dinner with him. Just to get a nice sheen going before we break bread. I don’t trust you anymore. Yeah, sometimes, guys when they spit on you, it’s like almost insulting, because sometimes I work so hard to get myself wet, and I want to like show it off, and sometimes guys will… Like, just do that and I’m like, “Umm…” Don’t salt your food before you try it. Like can you at least like… Respect the chef, like, I… Oh God.

I asked my friend the other day, I’m like, “What do you do for foreplay when you hook up with a girl?” And he’s like, “I don’t know, I really like fucking on the couch. I think that’s pretty cool.” Okay. That’s what they think. They think as long as it’s out of the bedroom, that counts. Fully penetrating a woman on a couch. Foreplay. No, foreplay is… It’s simple. It’s kissing. It’s compliments. It’s going to therapy. It’s just… Work on yourself. Whisper in my ear that you’re ready to address your anger with your dad, and I’ll fucking… You’ll get an alert on your phone about a flash flood, I’ll get wet so fast. “Evacuate caves!” Like I… I can get wet. I just… Dry humping. Man, I get turned on just thinking about dry humping. I could ride a knee into the goddamn sunset. Give me a knee. A knee clad in denim and I can just get up on it. Like Don Quixote up in this bitch. I love dry humping. I want to invent a move called The Reverse Santa, where a girl just… You get… They face you sitting down, you get on their knee. You grind it out. You tell them what you want for Christmas. They call you a good girl, and then you take a picture. And that’s… Coming to a mall near you this holiday season. That’s what I want. Just do stuff to us that isn’t our vagina. Like just keep it dry before it’s wet. I think dry humping’s great. We all are wearing jeans now, like this, that have like a seam… Right where the seams meet there’s like a bump. It’s called a clit nobbin. That’s the name that Levi Strauss gave it in his blueprints for the original 501s. But that’s good, you use that and just… That’s a huge bump there. He put it a little low, ’cause every guy thinks your clit is like where your hole is. Just like, “Oh, he thought it was where the hole is.” So, you’ve got to hike it up, but.. And it is hard to locate a clit. I don’t mean to like judge a guy for not knowing. Sometimes I look down there, “I don’t know where the fuck that thing is hiding today.” Keep a little post it on it now, it’s easy to locate but… You got to be sucking clit. Do you guys know about that? Clit stuff’s important, and sucking clit is where it’s at. I didn’t know anything about sucking clit. I would have done the same thing that you guys do when you go down on us. If I went down on a girl I would have done the same style. I would just rub my face in it until I hit something, like, that’s good. I like that. Keep that. I do enjoy it. It’s like when I play video games, I like press all the buttons and I win. I’m just like, just same logic. However, you got to be sucking clit. Let me tell you about this. I didn’t even know about sucking clit until I got sent a toy that did it for me. This woman had heard me talk a lot about how I… For me to have an orgasm, I need like a lot of pressure, peer. And so… She’s like, “You need the Womanizer.” And I was like, “Yeah, I’ve been trying to slide into John Mayer’s DMs for a while now.” And I was like, “He writes, LOL and then he just kind of peters off.” And she’s like, “No, I’m talking about a tool.” And I was like, “Yeah, so am I, but I guess he’s… I like some of his songs and…” So… we had a little back and forth, a little who’s on first. And then she sent me this toy and it blew my mind, because you put it over your clit and it sucks your clit. It has three settings, it’s low, medium, squirt and then it… I swear to you, you can squirt. I didn’t think I could and now I know I can do anything. Like… We can do anything. I never could squirt and I wanted to, ’cause I think it’s such a cool power move. Like, just to just dump a quart of water on a guy’s bed and be like, “Peace.” And just like, “Catch you on the flip, dude.” Like… Nothing cooler than that to me. No, it’s like sucking clit makes sense, dude, it really does. Because clits and penises are pretty much the same thing, like the same nerve endings. So, what you really need to treat it like, is like go down on a girl and suck her clit like you would a tiny version of your penis, okay? I know that feels weird to say and to even do, but I swear to God, if you go down there and you just treat her clit like you would your tiny little penis, and you suck that tiny little penis… you’re gay. You’re so gay! That’s the gayest shit I ever heard. Why would you do that? Dude. No, it’s fucking great. Do it. Please, do it. That’s the best. So, when you… So, next time you go down on a girl, I’m not kidding you, find her clit and you latch onto that thing like a barnacle on an old boat. I swear to you. Just latch on and don’t let go until the captain sprays you off. ‘Cause she’s gonna. Oh, she’s gonna. And then, you swallow. No, don’t do that. You’ll drown. That would be cool. And I’m like, “Take it all.” He’s like… Is that feminism? I think I just stumbled upon feminism.

Thank you guys very much. You’re fucking rad. Thank you for… Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for being here. I love you. Thank you for watching at home. Thank you. Good night. Subtitle by Matheus Modesto Perfect.


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